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[audience applauds]
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[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, please
give a warm welcome to Fortune Feimster!
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{\an8}["(You Can Still) Rock in America"
by Night Ranger plays]
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{\an8}♪ Ah yeah, s'alright ♪
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♪ You can still rock in America ♪
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♪ Ah yeah, s'alright ♪
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♪ You can still rock in America ♪
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♪ You can still rock in America ♪
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♪ You can still rock in America ♪
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Yeah!
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[music fades]
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Man!
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[sporadic cheering]
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Thank you!
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Thank you!
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I just want to start off and say,
for those of you who don't know me,
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I am a woman.
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[audience whoops]
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I am a woman, so do not
kick me out of the bathroom, please.
20
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I have a tiny bladder
and that's just cruel.
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I'm from North Carolina,
where they are very particular
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about who uses which bathroom.
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So I get super nervous every time I go
home and I have to use a public restroom.
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I just go into the bathroom like this.
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[audience laughs]
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Check it out. And I have to be like,
"I am a woman!
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It's fine!
28
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Everything's cool!
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Sure, I pee standing up,
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but that's my choice."
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[audience applauds]
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Yeah.
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I am just a beautiful snowflake,
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trying not to melt.
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Namaste.
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[audience whoops]
37
00:02:01,330 --> 00:02:03,958
I did a yoga class once. Just once.
38
00:02:04,959 --> 00:02:07,795
And I didn't know
that they were saying namaste,
39
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because I'm from the South,
40
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and we just put words together.
41
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I thought they were saying, "I must stay."
42
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[audience laughs]
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00:02:18,389 --> 00:02:22,018
Like, "I like this class. I must stay.
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I must stay. I must stay.
45
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I must stay."
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I am a lesbian.
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[mimics explosion]
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"What?"
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[audience cheers]
50
00:02:41,871 --> 00:02:42,914
Yeah.
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I know you thought
this was a very feminine jacket.
52
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Yeah, I'm a lesbian.
53
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I love being a lesbian.
54
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I love it.
55
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I'm good at it.
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00:02:56,761 --> 00:02:58,095
[audience cheers]
57
00:02:58,679 --> 00:03:02,141
I am like a freaking supermodel
in the Midwest.
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There has only been one time in my entire
life where it was difficult to be gay.
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Only one time.
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And that was when the gay community
declared war against Chick-fil-A.
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[groans]
62
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Oh, my God!
63
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Oh, that was a dark day, you guys.
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Because here's the deal, people,
I'm fat first, lesbian second.
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That's the order.
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And the gay community,
they sent out a Bat-Signal.
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They said we couldn't eat
at Chick-fil-A any more
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because there were anti-gay people
at the top, and I was like,
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[as though in pain] "No!
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No! Please, God, no!
71
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Come on! No! Their...
72
00:03:58,656 --> 00:04:02,368
Their chicken doesn't taste
like it hates gay people.
73
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Their chicken tastes very gay-friendly.
74
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Come on! Pick Subway!"
75
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I mean, just the name, "Chick-fil-A,"
76
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it sounds like a French lesbian bar.
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[audience laughs]
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Why would I not want to go there?
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You guys, come on. I mean,
don't ruin these restaurants for me.
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What are you going to tell me next,
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that Cracker Barrel is full of racists?
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Come on!
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"You can take away my rights,
don't take away my biscuits!"
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Because it is a long road to equality.
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I don't want to be hungry
on the way, guys.
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[audience applauds]
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00:04:49,540 --> 00:04:50,583
I don't.
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Oh, I love food.
89
00:04:55,379 --> 00:04:56,839
You're like, "Wait. What?
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I'm shocked. You look like someone
who likes to ride a bike a lot."
91
00:05:01,802 --> 00:05:02,928
No.
92
00:05:03,012 --> 00:05:05,014
No, I want to be healthier.
93
00:05:05,097 --> 00:05:06,932
My friend gave me a Fitbit,
94
00:05:07,016 --> 00:05:09,518
and I don't have the energy
to put it on, so...
95
00:05:11,187 --> 00:05:13,814
I just keep thinking a lot
about tater tots.
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I love tater tots.
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-[woman] Yeah!
-Right?
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[audience whoops]
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Yeah, I love tater tots.
100
00:05:20,905 --> 00:05:25,451
I am just so grateful that restaurants
are serving tater tots now.
101
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It used to be, in order to get tater tots,
102
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you had to go to an elementary school.
103
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Which is, like, so awkward when...
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when you're in your 30s,
105
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in line behind a bunch of eight-year-olds,
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just holding a tray.
107
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They are like,
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"Ma'am, you are going to need to stand
30 feet away from the school."
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I'm like, "But do I get those tots?"
110
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Which only makes me sound creepier.
111
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To be in an elementary school, yelling,
112
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"I want them tots!"
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[audience laughs]
114
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I worked around it.
Now I date a kindergarten teacher.
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So, ha-ha!
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Ha!
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Got you!
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I got you, tater tots.
119
00:06:14,416 --> 00:06:16,836
People in LA, they eat sweet potato fries.
120
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But you know what? Yeah, boo!
121
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Sweet potato fries can go fuck themselves!
122
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I'm taking a stand.
123
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They can go fuck themselves, sir!
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Trying to pass themselves off
as a French fry?
125
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No!
126
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You are a burned sweet potato
with nutrients.
127
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Get out of here!
128
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I'm a gold star.
129
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[women cheer]
130
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The lesbians know what that means.
131
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A gold star, that's lingo for,
"I ain't never slept with no man."
132
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That is what "gold star" means.
133
00:06:54,582 --> 00:06:58,544
I've actually only touched a penis
once in my lifetime,
134
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and it was not that guy.
135
00:07:01,547 --> 00:07:02,715
Not that guy.
136
00:07:03,424 --> 00:07:05,342
Yeah, I have only touched a penis once.
137
00:07:05,426 --> 00:07:08,304
I was in high school, and it was...
138
00:07:08,387 --> 00:07:09,722
it was with a neighbor.
139
00:07:11,098 --> 00:07:13,476
Oh, it's not like a creepy neighbor.
140
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No, no, no.
141
00:07:15,311 --> 00:07:17,730
No, we were the same age in high school.
142
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We played Nintendo every day after school.
It was true love.
143
00:07:22,735 --> 00:07:24,570
We would play Super Mario Brothers
144
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and I was Mario, he was Luigi.
145
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And because of him,
146
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I was able to get through
the Mushroom Kingdom.
147
00:07:36,123 --> 00:07:38,667
Then, one day,
he asked me to touch his mushroom.
148
00:07:40,044 --> 00:07:43,797
Yeah, he wanted me to put the controller
down and give him a handy-J.
149
00:07:45,049 --> 00:07:48,135
And I thought,
"Well, he scratched my back.
150
00:07:50,262 --> 00:07:51,514
I'll give him a hand job."
151
00:07:51,597 --> 00:07:52,890
That's how life works.
152
00:07:52,973 --> 00:07:54,725
You get, you give. You get, you give.
153
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[audience laughs]
154
00:07:58,395 --> 00:08:02,024
But I thought we were going to work up
to it. You know what I mean?
155
00:08:02,107 --> 00:08:06,237
I thought we were going to start
with a handshake, or a high five.
156
00:08:07,112 --> 00:08:09,281
A hug. I don't know,
braid each other's hair.
157
00:08:09,365 --> 00:08:10,866
That's what I'm used to.
158
00:08:10,950 --> 00:08:14,495
But he just whipped it out.
He just whipped it out, and I was like...
159
00:08:14,578 --> 00:08:16,247
[retches]
160
00:08:17,331 --> 00:08:19,625
[groans in disgust]
161
00:08:19,708 --> 00:08:20,876
It was so gross!
162
00:08:20,960 --> 00:08:22,878
Like, purple. Just, like...
163
00:08:22,962 --> 00:08:24,171
[retches]
164
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It was just, like, hanging there.
165
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Just hanging there.
166
00:08:29,468 --> 00:08:31,512
And I didn't know what to do with it.
167
00:08:31,595 --> 00:08:34,723
It's like an elevator
that you're supposed to make go up,
168
00:08:34,807 --> 00:08:38,185
and so I'm poking it
like an elevator button.
169
00:08:38,269 --> 00:08:40,229
I'm poking it and nothing is happening.
170
00:08:40,312 --> 00:08:42,648
He was like,
"You've got to put it in your hand."
171
00:08:42,731 --> 00:08:45,526
So I took that very literally
and I just grabbed it.
172
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I just grabbed it.
173
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I was, like, in a trance.
174
00:08:53,909 --> 00:08:56,328
I just grabbed it
like it was a hot clarinet.
175
00:08:56,412 --> 00:08:57,871
[audience laughs]
176
00:08:57,955 --> 00:08:59,331
[frustrated groan]
177
00:09:00,499 --> 00:09:02,126
Like a hot clarinet.
178
00:09:03,002 --> 00:09:05,004
This guy looks very uncomfortable.
179
00:09:06,672 --> 00:09:07,840
[frustrated groan]
180
00:09:09,800 --> 00:09:11,176
Yeah, he was mortified.
181
00:09:11,260 --> 00:09:13,554
That was when I realized I was a lesbian.
182
00:09:14,138 --> 00:09:15,472
I went to school the next day
183
00:09:15,556 --> 00:09:20,519
and he had told everybody that I had given
him a very aggressive and tense hand job.
184
00:09:20,603 --> 00:09:22,855
I'm like,
"That's a very specific review.
185
00:09:22,938 --> 00:09:24,273
What is this, Yelp?"
186
00:09:25,649 --> 00:09:26,650
I was embarrassed.
187
00:09:26,734 --> 00:09:30,946
I was like, "You should be embarrassed!
It is your penis that turned me gay!
188
00:09:32,156 --> 00:09:33,490
You did that!
189
00:09:36,076 --> 00:09:37,578
That's on you."
190
00:09:39,121 --> 00:09:40,331
I live in Los Angeles.
191
00:09:40,414 --> 00:09:42,082
I am a resident of LA,
192
00:09:42,166 --> 00:09:43,500
as you can tell.
193
00:09:44,126 --> 00:09:45,669
[sings some notes]
194
00:09:45,753 --> 00:09:47,880
This is how people in LA act, right?
195
00:09:50,674 --> 00:09:51,800
Yeah, I love it here.
196
00:09:51,884 --> 00:09:54,637
I think it gets a bad rep,
but I think it's great.
197
00:09:54,720 --> 00:09:56,013
There are opportunities.
198
00:09:56,096 --> 00:09:57,514
I got to do a cool opportunity
199
00:09:57,598 --> 00:10:01,518
where I filmed a thing
with Chelsea Handler for Netflix.
200
00:10:02,227 --> 00:10:03,187
Yeah.
201
00:10:03,270 --> 00:10:04,271
[audience cheers]
202
00:10:05,022 --> 00:10:08,400
She asked me to eat a five-course meal
203
00:10:08,484 --> 00:10:10,778
that was cooked with marijuana.
204
00:10:10,861 --> 00:10:11,904
[sighs]
205
00:10:11,987 --> 00:10:13,155
Yeah.
206
00:10:13,238 --> 00:10:15,991
Now, I am not a big weed person,
207
00:10:16,075 --> 00:10:18,077
I just look like a weed person.
208
00:10:18,160 --> 00:10:22,498
I have never done edibles before
because I don't eat green stuff.
209
00:10:24,291 --> 00:10:26,210
So she asked me to eat this meal,
210
00:10:26,293 --> 00:10:29,713
and I was like, "I don't like weed,
but I like food, so, OK, I'll do it."
211
00:10:30,297 --> 00:10:33,342
So we were eating this meal.
I had never had a full joint before.
212
00:10:33,425 --> 00:10:36,970
I'm just lapping it up. It tastes so
good, I keep forgetting weed is in it.
213
00:10:37,054 --> 00:10:38,180
I'm like...
214
00:10:38,263 --> 00:10:39,640
It is so good, and I'm like,
215
00:10:39,723 --> 00:10:42,810
"I don't know what will happen,
but let go, let God. Let's see.
216
00:10:44,311 --> 00:10:45,437
Let's see."
217
00:10:46,105 --> 00:10:47,898
I am just like... eating it.
218
00:10:48,482 --> 00:10:50,734
They are eating, like,
half their portions.
219
00:10:50,818 --> 00:10:52,820
I'm like, "You guys are losers! Come on!"
220
00:10:52,903 --> 00:10:53,904
Eating it.
221
00:10:53,987 --> 00:10:56,448
By the fourth course,
I look over at my friend Josh,
222
00:10:56,532 --> 00:11:00,160
who eats edibles all the time, and he is
sweating bullets, his eyes are red.
223
00:11:00,244 --> 00:11:03,497
He's like, "I have never been
this high in my life."
224
00:11:03,914 --> 00:11:05,374
And I'm like...
225
00:11:05,457 --> 00:11:06,709
"Shit!
226
00:11:08,127 --> 00:11:09,753
Shit!"
227
00:11:10,796 --> 00:11:12,381
[moans]
228
00:11:13,006 --> 00:11:17,261
"Oh, God! What is going to happen to me?
229
00:11:18,178 --> 00:11:21,306
Oh, what is going to happen?"
230
00:11:22,057 --> 00:11:25,060
That, of course, does not keep me
from eating dessert.
231
00:11:26,478 --> 00:11:29,273
They bring out the fifth course,
it's bread pudding.
232
00:11:29,356 --> 00:11:32,776
Those are literally my two favorite foods,
bread and pudding.
233
00:11:33,402 --> 00:11:35,362
Of course I'm going to eat that.
234
00:11:35,446 --> 00:11:37,489
So I eat all of that.
The waiter comes over.
235
00:11:37,573 --> 00:11:39,575
I was like, "Hey, man, can I ask,
236
00:11:39,658 --> 00:11:44,037
like, how much weed do you think
I have consumed in this meal?
237
00:11:44,121 --> 00:11:49,334
Like... Like, on a scale of Michael Phelps
to Snoop Dogg, how high am I?"
238
00:11:50,794 --> 00:11:54,214
And he was like, "Well,
let's just say you ate everything."
239
00:11:54,298 --> 00:11:55,299
I was like...
240
00:11:56,758 --> 00:11:58,552
"Let's just say I did."
241
00:11:59,052 --> 00:12:00,262
[audience laughs]
242
00:12:01,472 --> 00:12:04,016
He's like,
"Then you've had about five joints."
243
00:12:07,394 --> 00:12:10,230
Five joints!
People, I have never had a full joint.
244
00:12:10,314 --> 00:12:14,485
I have just consumed
five joints in one meal.
245
00:12:14,568 --> 00:12:16,320
And it hasn't hit me yet, so I'm like,
246
00:12:16,403 --> 00:12:18,363
"OK. OK. Maybe I'm...
247
00:12:18,447 --> 00:12:20,240
Maybe I'm indestructible.
248
00:12:21,450 --> 00:12:23,243
Maybe that's my superpower."
249
00:12:23,327 --> 00:12:24,828
And then, all of a sudden,
250
00:12:24,912 --> 00:12:27,539
my right eyelid just slammed shut.
251
00:12:29,333 --> 00:12:31,418
I was like, "Oh, my God!
252
00:12:32,294 --> 00:12:34,880
Oh, my God! I have one eye!
253
00:12:34,963 --> 00:12:36,757
Oh, my God! I have one eye!"
254
00:12:36,840 --> 00:12:39,009
Chelsea's dying laughing.
255
00:12:39,092 --> 00:12:40,511
She's trying to pry it open.
256
00:12:40,594 --> 00:12:42,429
It will not come open.
257
00:12:42,930 --> 00:12:45,224
I'm convinced
I'm going to be like a pirate.
258
00:12:45,307 --> 00:12:47,184
I'm like, "I don't want to be a pirate!
259
00:12:47,768 --> 00:12:50,062
I don't have a patch!
I don't have a cool story!
260
00:12:50,145 --> 00:12:52,272
I just have no self-control!"
261
00:12:52,814 --> 00:12:56,360
I'm trying to open it up.
I don't have access to my hand.
262
00:12:56,443 --> 00:12:58,570
It won't reach up there.
263
00:12:58,654 --> 00:13:01,657
She tells me to get...
She's like, "Get up and get some water."
264
00:13:01,740 --> 00:13:04,701
So I try to stand up and I can't walk.
265
00:13:04,785 --> 00:13:09,373
For some reason, I think the best way to
help with gravity is to walk like a pony.
266
00:13:09,957 --> 00:13:11,041
So I start...
267
00:13:11,124 --> 00:13:12,417
[audience laughs]
268
00:13:13,335 --> 00:13:15,796
Like a calf just being born,
269
00:13:15,879 --> 00:13:17,756
walking like a pony.
270
00:13:17,839 --> 00:13:22,553
I look like... like one of those sad dogs
in those Sarah McLachlan commercials.
271
00:13:24,096 --> 00:13:26,473
"Adopt me!
272
00:13:26,557 --> 00:13:30,227
Please adopt me!"
273
00:13:30,894 --> 00:13:33,272
I lost all control of my body.
274
00:13:33,355 --> 00:13:35,649
I was like a senior citizen
all of a sudden.
275
00:13:35,732 --> 00:13:38,527
Chelsea's so embarrassed,
she's like, "Get her out."
276
00:13:38,610 --> 00:13:40,737
I'm like, "You did this!
You did this to me!
277
00:13:40,821 --> 00:13:42,698
You created this monster!"
278
00:13:43,865 --> 00:13:46,535
I get in the car, we go home.
It's a 30-minute drive.
279
00:13:46,618 --> 00:13:47,828
I think I'm passed out.
280
00:13:47,911 --> 00:13:50,664
I can't hear anything,
so clearly, I'm not talking.
281
00:13:50,747 --> 00:13:53,792
I get home and I pass out
because I can't function.
282
00:13:54,293 --> 00:13:55,586
I called Josh the next day.
283
00:13:55,669 --> 00:14:00,215
I was like, "Dude, what happened
in the car ride home? Did I even talk?"
284
00:14:00,299 --> 00:14:03,093
He was like, "Literally for 30 minutes,
285
00:14:03,176 --> 00:14:05,137
every single house we passed by,
286
00:14:05,220 --> 00:14:07,764
you told us what year
that house was built...
287
00:14:08,390 --> 00:14:11,059
how many bedrooms it had,
288
00:14:11,143 --> 00:14:13,353
what the square footage was."
289
00:14:14,021 --> 00:14:15,856
Out of nowhere,
290
00:14:15,939 --> 00:14:18,191
I became a real estate agent.
291
00:14:18,275 --> 00:14:19,192
[audience laughs]
292
00:14:20,611 --> 00:14:23,030
Do you know what the best part was?
293
00:14:23,113 --> 00:14:25,616
I sold three houses.
294
00:14:26,116 --> 00:14:27,534
[audience applauds]
295
00:14:29,578 --> 00:14:30,537
So awesome.
296
00:14:30,621 --> 00:14:33,332
I thought I would be a real estate agent
until I found out
297
00:14:33,415 --> 00:14:34,875
you have to dress up every day.
298
00:14:34,958 --> 00:14:37,961
Apparently shoulder pads
are out of style, so...
299
00:14:39,463 --> 00:14:41,048
I am a comedian, y'all.
300
00:14:41,131 --> 00:14:44,176
I'm going to stick with being a comedian.
So that's who I am.
301
00:14:44,259 --> 00:14:47,554
I wanted to tell you guys a little bit
about what I have been through,
302
00:14:47,638 --> 00:14:49,139
because we're all friends now.
303
00:14:49,222 --> 00:14:50,223
We're digging deep.
304
00:14:51,224 --> 00:14:53,352
Even though
I'm a big old lesbian right now,
305
00:14:53,435 --> 00:14:55,771
I was in the closet for a long time.
306
00:14:55,854 --> 00:14:58,315
I did not come out
until I was 25 years old,
307
00:14:58,398 --> 00:15:01,526
which was not super weird
because I'm from the Bible Belt,
308
00:15:01,610 --> 00:15:03,070
and that was what you did.
309
00:15:03,987 --> 00:15:06,531
I moved in with a man
when I was in college,
310
00:15:06,615 --> 00:15:10,202
and my mom, being the good Christian woman
that she was, was not having it.
311
00:15:10,285 --> 00:15:14,331
"I cannot believe that you moved in
with a man and you are not even married.
312
00:15:14,414 --> 00:15:16,291
You're going to be living in sin."
313
00:15:16,375 --> 00:15:20,420
I was like, "Then you're not going to like
the next thing I have to tell you."
314
00:15:21,588 --> 00:15:24,716
"Buckle up!
We're about to get on that gay train!"
315
00:15:24,800 --> 00:15:26,551
[whoops]
316
00:15:26,635 --> 00:15:29,513
[groans of desire]
317
00:15:29,596 --> 00:15:31,556
That's the gay train. It's like...
318
00:15:31,640 --> 00:15:33,475
[moans of desire]
319
00:15:34,184 --> 00:15:36,353
The gay-guy train is like this.
It's like...
320
00:15:36,436 --> 00:15:40,148
[deeper moans of desire]
321
00:15:40,232 --> 00:15:41,525
Because they like to...
322
00:15:41,608 --> 00:15:43,443
[clicks tongue]
323
00:15:43,527 --> 00:15:44,611
Boop!
324
00:15:45,570 --> 00:15:47,823
I'm talking about anal, ma'am.
325
00:15:47,906 --> 00:15:49,157
[audience laughs]
326
00:15:49,241 --> 00:15:51,159
Sorry, Mom. Talking about anal.
327
00:15:52,452 --> 00:15:54,538
Yeah, that train is all caboose.
328
00:15:55,789 --> 00:16:00,669
Listen, I don't think gay guys or straight
girls get enough credit for doing that.
329
00:16:00,752 --> 00:16:04,506
If anyone tried to put anything
in my butt hole,
330
00:16:04,589 --> 00:16:06,883
I would be like, "Ow! No!"
331
00:16:08,677 --> 00:16:10,345
Listen, I'm telling you, ladies,
332
00:16:10,429 --> 00:16:13,223
if you ever want to get out of doing anal,
333
00:16:13,306 --> 00:16:15,809
there is no bigger boner killer
than going,
334
00:16:15,892 --> 00:16:17,310
"Ow! No!
335
00:16:17,394 --> 00:16:19,980
Ow! No! Ow! No! Ow! No!"
336
00:16:21,481 --> 00:16:24,026
He will never try again.
337
00:16:24,109 --> 00:16:26,486
He will be so freaked out.
338
00:16:28,196 --> 00:16:31,950
I actually was a virgin
for a long time as well.
339
00:16:32,034 --> 00:16:33,869
Virgin! Any virgins in here tonight?
340
00:16:33,952 --> 00:16:34,911
[man cheers]
341
00:16:34,995 --> 00:16:37,789
Oh, one brave guy! Yes!
342
00:16:38,457 --> 00:16:40,625
Somebody, hook him up!
343
00:16:40,709 --> 00:16:42,085
[audience applauds]
344
00:16:42,169 --> 00:16:45,297
Yeah, that... Yeah, clap for you. Yes.
345
00:16:47,257 --> 00:16:48,258
Brave virgin.
346
00:16:48,341 --> 00:16:51,261
Listen, I'm from the South.
You can use the same reason I did.
347
00:16:51,344 --> 00:16:53,388
I would tell people
when I was in college,
348
00:16:53,472 --> 00:16:55,390
because I was still a virgin in college,
349
00:16:55,474 --> 00:16:57,893
"I am a virgin for Jesus.
350
00:16:58,894 --> 00:17:00,896
I am doing this for Jesus."
351
00:17:00,979 --> 00:17:03,899
And Jesus was like,
"I don't think you are, though.
352
00:17:06,026 --> 00:17:07,736
No, that's on you.
353
00:17:08,570 --> 00:17:10,822
You might want to wear that Fitbit."
354
00:17:11,865 --> 00:17:13,825
[shocked] "Jesus!
355
00:17:15,660 --> 00:17:18,955
Yeah, thou shalt not judge, Jesus!"
356
00:17:20,707 --> 00:17:23,085
I went to college with a lot of virgins,
357
00:17:23,168 --> 00:17:26,004
because I went
to a conservative Christian school,
358
00:17:26,088 --> 00:17:28,632
and they would freak us out
about sex all the time,
359
00:17:28,715 --> 00:17:32,260
and they were constantly warning us
about roofies.
360
00:17:32,803 --> 00:17:34,179
And there was always, like,
361
00:17:34,262 --> 00:17:37,682
some closeted lesbian
on the staff named Linda,
362
00:17:37,766 --> 00:17:39,684
who was just very intense.
363
00:17:40,227 --> 00:17:42,604
Very intense about parties.
364
00:17:43,105 --> 00:17:45,398
[in deep voice]
"Come on, bring it in, ladies!
365
00:17:45,482 --> 00:17:48,985
Ladies! Come on, I want you
to take a knee! Come on, ladies!"
366
00:17:49,069 --> 00:17:51,696
Like we're on a softball team.
367
00:17:51,780 --> 00:17:54,324
"Ladies, come on! Take a knee!
I need to talk to you.
368
00:17:54,407 --> 00:17:56,493
Sheila. Sheila, are you listening?
369
00:17:56,576 --> 00:17:59,037
Come on over here.
I need you to take a knee, Sheila.
370
00:17:59,121 --> 00:18:01,915
I've got a lot to tell you, OK?
Are you going to that party?
371
00:18:01,998 --> 00:18:04,042
Sheila, are you listening?
372
00:18:04,793 --> 00:18:07,170
Sheila, this is very important.
373
00:18:07,254 --> 00:18:08,839
If you go to a party
374
00:18:08,922 --> 00:18:10,966
and there is a bunch of men around,
375
00:18:11,049 --> 00:18:14,094
if you have got a drink in your hand,
I need you to take that hand,
376
00:18:14,177 --> 00:18:17,806
put it over that drink,
look that guy in the eye and say, 'No!'
377
00:18:21,893 --> 00:18:23,019
'No!'"
378
00:18:24,896 --> 00:18:27,274
We never got laid, you guys.
379
00:18:27,983 --> 00:18:30,735
We never got laid
because we listened to Linda.
380
00:18:33,196 --> 00:18:36,575
But there were some girls at our school
that liked to go out and party,
381
00:18:36,658 --> 00:18:38,243
and we would have a girls' night.
382
00:18:38,326 --> 00:18:39,744
Any girls' nights tonight?
383
00:18:39,828 --> 00:18:40,745
[a few cheers]
384
00:18:40,829 --> 00:18:42,956
Hey, there's a virgin back there.
385
00:18:44,040 --> 00:18:45,167
Yeah, we had a girl...
386
00:18:45,250 --> 00:18:48,044
Girls get crazy
when they get in big groups together.
387
00:18:48,128 --> 00:18:50,130
I don't know what it is. They go nuts.
388
00:18:50,213 --> 00:18:53,717
They walk into a bar and are like,
"It is fucking girls' night!"
389
00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:55,844
[yells]
390
00:18:56,428 --> 00:19:00,682
Like, crazy. They're like Gremlins
that got wet after midnight.
391
00:19:01,850 --> 00:19:03,476
"Fucking girls' night!"
392
00:19:05,353 --> 00:19:08,648
And there's always one girl
in every girls' night group
393
00:19:08,732 --> 00:19:11,234
who is the responsible one.
394
00:19:11,318 --> 00:19:14,404
If she's not getting laid,
her friends are not getting laid.
395
00:19:14,946 --> 00:19:18,450
She's basically the bouncer
for her friends' vaginas.
396
00:19:19,492 --> 00:19:23,663
And just so you know, you don't choose
to be the responsible one, it chooses you.
397
00:19:25,498 --> 00:19:27,334
And I was the responsible one.
398
00:19:27,417 --> 00:19:29,961
I got chosen to be the responsible one.
399
00:19:30,045 --> 00:19:31,504
So I would just walk into a club
400
00:19:31,588 --> 00:19:34,132
and just start
swatting dicks away, like...
401
00:19:34,216 --> 00:19:35,217
[mimics a thump]
402
00:19:35,300 --> 00:19:38,053
"She's going to grad school,
don't distract her!"
403
00:19:39,763 --> 00:19:42,057
"She has got a 3.8 GPA!"
404
00:19:43,350 --> 00:19:45,352
Just swatting dicks away.
405
00:19:45,769 --> 00:19:50,023
And the thing is, guys have not learned
you have to distract the responsible one,
406
00:19:50,106 --> 00:19:53,193
otherwise none of you
are getting laid, OK?
407
00:19:53,276 --> 00:19:57,197
You've got to distract her.
Either you send a dude in to hit on her...
408
00:19:57,280 --> 00:19:59,699
But if someone had just, I don't know,
409
00:19:59,783 --> 00:20:01,368
given me a cheese plate...
410
00:20:01,451 --> 00:20:02,869
[audience laughs]
411
00:20:03,578 --> 00:20:04,579
You know?
412
00:20:04,663 --> 00:20:07,624
I'd have been like,
"You go on and do what you need to do.
413
00:20:07,707 --> 00:20:09,251
I'm going to eat this Gouda.
414
00:20:09,334 --> 00:20:10,669
Go on, get.
415
00:20:12,087 --> 00:20:14,381
Go on, get.
416
00:20:14,464 --> 00:20:16,925
Me and this Gouda."
417
00:20:18,677 --> 00:20:22,389
But they didn't do that, so I would watch
my friends like a hawk all night.
418
00:20:23,014 --> 00:20:26,476
These guys are giving them alcohol,
thought they were getting lucky.
419
00:20:26,559 --> 00:20:29,854
2:00 a.m. would hit and I would be like,
"You guys, let's go.
420
00:20:30,647 --> 00:20:33,483
Christina, you're better than this.
421
00:20:33,566 --> 00:20:34,985
Let's go.
422
00:20:36,152 --> 00:20:38,738
Jessica, you need to respect yourself.
423
00:20:38,822 --> 00:20:40,198
Let's go.
424
00:20:41,074 --> 00:20:45,287
Do you remember what happened to Rebecca?
Neither does she. Let's go.
425
00:20:46,997 --> 00:20:50,500
You said we were going to go to IHOP
at the end of the night.
426
00:20:51,126 --> 00:20:55,672
We promised the only thing we were putting
in our mouths tonight is pancakes.
427
00:20:55,755 --> 00:20:58,300
Let's go!"
428
00:20:59,843 --> 00:21:01,094
[groans]
429
00:21:01,511 --> 00:21:03,888
I was the worst.
430
00:21:03,972 --> 00:21:06,725
I don't know why anyone
took me out anywhere.
431
00:21:07,809 --> 00:21:10,395
But it turns out
I was so uptight about my friends
432
00:21:10,478 --> 00:21:12,772
because I was gay and nobody told me.
433
00:21:14,232 --> 00:21:15,233
I had no idea.
434
00:21:15,317 --> 00:21:17,819
The hardest thing
about realizing that you are gay
435
00:21:17,902 --> 00:21:20,613
is that then you have to come out
to all these people.
436
00:21:20,697 --> 00:21:22,449
And my parents were divorced,
437
00:21:22,532 --> 00:21:25,577
so I couldn't just have one big talk.
438
00:21:25,660 --> 00:21:27,704
I had to have, like, a coming out tour.
439
00:21:29,581 --> 00:21:32,083
"Coming out to a city near you,
440
00:21:32,167 --> 00:21:35,211
one dyke only!
441
00:21:36,338 --> 00:21:37,547
Fortune."
442
00:21:37,881 --> 00:21:40,175
First stop on that tour was my dad.
443
00:21:40,258 --> 00:21:43,595
Like, southern men in general
don't like to talk about feelings,
444
00:21:43,678 --> 00:21:45,138
especially my dad.
445
00:21:45,221 --> 00:21:47,474
I was like, "Dad, I'm gay,"
and he was like...
446
00:21:48,975 --> 00:21:50,060
"OK."
447
00:21:52,020 --> 00:21:53,563
[masculine grunting]
448
00:21:55,065 --> 00:21:56,399
"OK. OK.
449
00:21:58,026 --> 00:21:59,235
OK.
450
00:22:00,070 --> 00:22:01,404
Well...
451
00:22:03,490 --> 00:22:07,035
Do you want us to go and buy you,
like, a men's blazer?
452
00:22:11,915 --> 00:22:13,541
Throw in some beef jerky.
453
00:22:14,501 --> 00:22:16,336
Do you want us to buy you a top hat?
454
00:22:18,046 --> 00:22:18,963
You want a top hat?"
455
00:22:19,047 --> 00:22:20,924
I'm like, "What?
456
00:22:21,007 --> 00:22:23,176
You think lesbians wear top hats?
457
00:22:24,511 --> 00:22:26,846
What lesbian bar did you just, like,
458
00:22:26,930 --> 00:22:29,015
wander into one night,
459
00:22:29,099 --> 00:22:32,393
where a bunch of lesbians
were wearing top hats?
460
00:22:32,894 --> 00:22:36,356
Just looking like
they're on the cover of The New Yorker,
461
00:22:36,439 --> 00:22:37,816
being all uppity, like,
462
00:22:37,899 --> 00:22:41,069
[in posh voice] 'I will have
some of your finest vagina.'"
463
00:22:44,114 --> 00:22:46,491
Some uppity lesbian bar.
464
00:22:48,076 --> 00:22:49,369
Probably French.
465
00:22:52,122 --> 00:22:53,748
Called Chick-fil-A.
466
00:22:53,832 --> 00:22:55,291
[audience laughs]
467
00:23:00,171 --> 00:23:01,923
I told my brothers that I was gay,
468
00:23:02,006 --> 00:23:03,675
and we were standing outside,
469
00:23:03,758 --> 00:23:08,471
and they were like, "You're never going
to believe what is behind you right now."
470
00:23:08,555 --> 00:23:09,973
And I looked behind me,
471
00:23:10,056 --> 00:23:16,187
and it was the biggest rainbow
I had ever seen in my entire life,
472
00:23:16,271 --> 00:23:19,107
just directly behind me,
473
00:23:19,190 --> 00:23:24,737
as if I had, like, ordered
some sort of VIP coming out package...
474
00:23:25,780 --> 00:23:26,990
where it's like,
475
00:23:27,073 --> 00:23:30,034
"I'm gay! Cue the rainbow!"
476
00:23:32,203 --> 00:23:33,872
[audience applauds]
477
00:23:39,627 --> 00:23:41,546
It's the best... I recommend it.
478
00:23:41,629 --> 00:23:44,799
You cannot argue with somebody
when they're going full rainbow.
479
00:23:46,718 --> 00:23:47,927
Yeah, I love my family.
480
00:23:48,011 --> 00:23:51,931
I was very close
to my grandmother in particular.
481
00:23:52,015 --> 00:23:54,309
And grandmas from the South
are just crazy.
482
00:23:54,392 --> 00:23:57,979
They have their own home remedies
because they don't believe in doctors.
483
00:23:58,062 --> 00:24:00,648
Southern people
are weird about science, anyway.
484
00:24:02,275 --> 00:24:03,276
And she...
485
00:24:03,359 --> 00:24:06,654
If we had anything wrong with us,
she didn't want us to go to a doctor.
486
00:24:06,738 --> 00:24:09,699
She was like, "I can fix it,"
and she would give you food.
487
00:24:09,782 --> 00:24:11,701
She thought food cured everything.
488
00:24:12,076 --> 00:24:14,245
It cures everything but diabetes.
489
00:24:14,329 --> 00:24:15,788
[audience laughs]
490
00:24:16,372 --> 00:24:18,124
I'm, like, this close.
491
00:24:19,334 --> 00:24:21,544
I guess that's why
her next remedy made sense.
492
00:24:21,628 --> 00:24:23,922
No matter what was wrong,
when I was growing up,
493
00:24:24,005 --> 00:24:27,675
her number-one remedy
was to give you a suppository.
494
00:24:28,718 --> 00:24:29,761
Yeah.
495
00:24:29,844 --> 00:24:31,471
More like her number-two remedy.
496
00:24:31,554 --> 00:24:32,847
Hiyo!
497
00:24:33,264 --> 00:24:34,849
Hey!
498
00:24:35,600 --> 00:24:37,602
It didn't matter what was wrong with you.
499
00:24:37,685 --> 00:24:39,646
If you had a headache, suppository.
500
00:24:40,438 --> 00:24:43,107
If you had a sore throat, suppository.
501
00:24:43,191 --> 00:24:45,360
If you had a stomach ache, Coca-Cola
502
00:24:45,443 --> 00:24:46,778
and a suppository.
503
00:24:49,489 --> 00:24:53,368
So that is why I skipped Grandma
on my coming out tour, y'all.
504
00:24:54,953 --> 00:24:57,830
I made somebody else tell her,
because I knew...
505
00:24:57,914 --> 00:25:00,792
I knew she would have been like,
"I know how to fix this."
506
00:25:01,834 --> 00:25:04,587
And I would have to be like, "Ow! No!"
507
00:25:06,172 --> 00:25:07,590
[audience applauds]
508
00:25:10,260 --> 00:25:11,261
No.
509
00:25:11,344 --> 00:25:13,554
You guys, I'm kidding.
510
00:25:14,138 --> 00:25:17,392
My grandmother
didn't think she could cure gayness.
511
00:25:18,226 --> 00:25:20,603
Who do you think she is,
the vice president?
512
00:25:20,687 --> 00:25:22,272
[shocked laughter]
513
00:25:22,355 --> 00:25:24,274
Oh, what?
514
00:25:24,899 --> 00:25:26,025
[mimics explosion]
515
00:25:26,109 --> 00:25:28,111
[audience applauds loudly]
516
00:25:30,571 --> 00:25:32,407
My one political joke.
517
00:25:34,409 --> 00:25:36,744
But it finally happened, you guys.
518
00:25:36,828 --> 00:25:40,039
Finally, I got hit on by a guy.
519
00:25:40,123 --> 00:25:43,960
Legitimately hit on by a dude. Not him.
520
00:25:45,753 --> 00:25:47,672
Although we have a lot of chemistry.
521
00:25:49,590 --> 00:25:51,217
Yeah, I got hit on by a dude.
522
00:25:51,301 --> 00:25:53,678
This one night, I was in a bar,
523
00:25:53,761 --> 00:25:55,638
like, a very dark bar...
524
00:25:58,016 --> 00:26:02,603
and this guy comes up to me, like,
out of nowhere, and he singles me out.
525
00:26:02,687 --> 00:26:04,689
He was like, "Hey.
526
00:26:04,772 --> 00:26:06,983
You... You look nice."
527
00:26:07,942 --> 00:26:10,945
He was like, "Do you want to go back
to my... to my place?"
528
00:26:14,657 --> 00:26:16,701
I was like, "Dude!
529
00:26:17,869 --> 00:26:19,579
I'm wearing a top hat.
530
00:26:24,751 --> 00:26:28,504
That's your first clue
that this is not going to work out,
531
00:26:29,088 --> 00:26:31,257
unless you bring me Chick-fil-A,
532
00:26:31,341 --> 00:26:33,801
and then I will hot-clarinet it
533
00:26:33,885 --> 00:26:38,181
all night long!"
534
00:26:38,264 --> 00:26:41,768
That's my time. Thank you, guys, so much.
535
00:26:41,851 --> 00:26:44,187
[rapturous applause]
536
00:26:45,146 --> 00:26:47,982
["(You Can Still) Rock in America"
by Night Ranger plays]
537
00:26:48,066 --> 00:26:51,027
♪ You can still rock in America ♪
538
00:26:51,110 --> 00:26:53,654
♪ Ah yeah, s'alright ♪
539
00:26:53,738 --> 00:26:56,074
♪ You can still rock in America ♪
540
00:26:56,157 --> 00:26:59,077
[announcer] Give it up
for Fortune Feimster, everyone!
541
00:26:59,744 --> 00:27:05,249
♪ You can still rock in America ♪