[audience applauds]
[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, please give a warm welcome to Fortune Feimster!
["(You Can Still) Rock in America" by Night Ranger plays]
♪ Ah yeah, s'alright ♪
♪ You can still rock in America ♪
♪ Ah yeah, s'alright ♪
♪ You can still rock in America ♪
Yeah!
[music fades]
Man!
[sporadic cheering]
Thank you!
I just want to start off and say, for those of you who don't know me,
I am a woman.
[audience whoops]
I am a woman, so do not kick me out of the bathroom, please.
I have a tiny bladder and that's just cruel.
I'm from North Carolina, where they are very particular
about who uses which bathroom.
So I get super nervous every time I go home and I have to use a public restroom.
I just go into the bathroom like this.
[audience laughs]
Check it out. And I have to be like, "I am a woman!
It's fine!
Everything's cool!
Sure, I pee standing up,
but that's my choice."
[audience applauds]
Yeah.
I am just a beautiful snowflake,
trying not to melt.
Namaste.
[audience whoops]
I did a yoga class once. Just once.
And I didn't know that they were saying namaste,
because I'm from the South,
and we just put words together.
I thought they were saying, "I must stay."
[audience laughs]
Like, "I like this class. I must stay.
I must stay. I must stay.
I must stay."
I am a lesbian.
[mimics explosion]
"What?"
[audience cheers]
Yeah.
I know you thought this was a very feminine jacket.
Yeah, I'm a lesbian.
I love being a lesbian.
I love it.
I'm good at it.
[audience cheers]
I am like a freaking supermodel in the Midwest.
There has only been one time in my entire life where it was difficult to be gay.
Only one time.
And that was when the gay community declared war against Chick-fil-A.
[groans]
Oh, my God!
Oh, that was a dark day, you guys.
Because here's the deal, people, I'm fat first, lesbian second.
That's the order.
And the gay community, they sent out a Bat-Signal.
They said we couldn't eat at Chick-fil-A any more
because there were anti-gay people at the top, and I was like,
[as though in pain] "No!
No! Please, God, no!
Come on! No! Their...
Their chicken doesn't taste like it hates gay people.
Their chicken tastes very gay-friendly.
Come on! Pick Subway!"
I mean, just the name, "Chick-fil-A,"
it sounds like a French lesbian bar.
[audience laughs]
Why would I not want to go there?
You guys, come on. I mean, don't ruin these restaurants for me.
What are you going to tell me next,
that Cracker Barrel is full of racists?
Come on!
"You can take away my rights, don't take away my biscuits!"
Because it is a long road to equality.
I don't want to be hungry on the way, guys.
[audience applauds]
I don't.
Oh, I love food.
You're like, "Wait. What?
I'm shocked. You look like someone who likes to ride a bike a lot."
No.
No, I want to be healthier.
My friend gave me a Fitbit,
and I don't have the energy to put it on, so...
I just keep thinking a lot about tater tots.
I love tater tots.
-[woman] Yeah! -Right?
[audience whoops]
Yeah, I love tater tots.
I am just so grateful that restaurants are serving tater tots now.
It used to be, in order to get tater tots,
you had to go to an elementary school.
Which is, like, so awkward when...
when you're in your 30s,
in line behind a bunch of eight-year-olds,
just holding a tray.
They are like,
"Ma'am, you are going to need to stand 30 feet away from the school."
I'm like, "But do I get those tots?"
Which only makes me sound creepier.
To be in an elementary school, yelling,
"I want them tots!"
[audience laughs]
I worked around it. Now I date a kindergarten teacher.
So, ha-ha!
Ha!
Got you!
I got you, tater tots.
People in LA, they eat sweet potato fries.
But you know what? Yeah, boo!
Sweet potato fries can go fuck themselves!
I'm taking a stand.
They can go fuck themselves, sir!
Trying to pass themselves off as a French fry?
No!
You are a burned sweet potato with nutrients.
Get out of here!
I'm a gold star.
[women cheer]
The lesbians know what that means.
A gold star, that's lingo for, "I ain't never slept with no man."
That is what "gold star" means.
I've actually only touched a penis once in my lifetime,
and it was not that guy.
Not that guy.
Yeah, I have only touched a penis once.
I was in high school, and it was...
it was with a neighbor.
Oh, it's not like a creepy neighbor.
No, no, no.
No, we were the same age in high school.
We played Nintendo every day after school. It was true love.
We would play Super Mario Brothers
and I was Mario, he was Luigi.
And because of him,
I was able to get through the Mushroom Kingdom.
Then, one day, he asked me to touch his mushroom.
Yeah, he wanted me to put the controller down and give him a handy-J.
And I thought, "Well, he scratched my back.
I'll give him a hand job."
That's how life works.
You get, you give. You get, you give.
[audience laughs]
But I thought we were going to work up to it. You know what I mean?
I thought we were going to start with a handshake, or a high five.
A hug. I don't know, braid each other's hair.
That's what I'm used to.
But he just whipped it out. He just whipped it out, and I was like...
[retches]
[groans in disgust]
It was so gross!
Like, purple. Just, like...
[retches]
It was just, like, hanging there.
Just hanging there.
And I didn't know what to do with it.
It's like an elevator that you're supposed to make go up,
and so I'm poking it like an elevator button.
I'm poking it and nothing is happening.
He was like, "You've got to put it in your hand."
So I took that very literally and I just grabbed it.
I just grabbed it.
I was, like, in a trance.
I just grabbed it like it was a hot clarinet.
[audience laughs]
[frustrated groan]
Like a hot clarinet.
This guy looks very uncomfortable.
[frustrated groan]
Yeah, he was mortified.
That was when I realized I was a lesbian.
I went to school the next day
and he had told everybody that I had given him a very aggressive and tense hand job.
I'm like, "That's a very specific review.
What is this, Yelp?"
I was embarrassed.
I was like, "You should be embarrassed! It is your penis that turned me gay!
You did that!
That's on you."
I live in Los Angeles.
I am a resident of LA,
as you can tell.
[sings some notes]
This is how people in LA act, right?
Yeah, I love it here.
I think it gets a bad rep, but I think it's great.
There are opportunities.
I got to do a cool opportunity
where I filmed a thing with Chelsea Handler for Netflix.
Yeah.
[audience cheers]
She asked me to eat a five-course meal
that was cooked with marijuana.
[sighs]
Yeah.
Now, I am not a big weed person,
I just look like a weed person.
I have never done edibles before because I don't eat green stuff.
So she asked me to eat this meal,
and I was like, "I don't like weed, but I like food, so, OK, I'll do it."
So we were eating this meal. I had never had a full joint before.
I'm just lapping it up. It tastes so good, I keep forgetting weed is in it.
I'm like...
It is so good, and I'm like,
"I don't know what will happen, but let go, let God. Let's see.
Let's see."
I am just like... eating it.
They are eating, like, half their portions.
I'm like, "You guys are losers! Come on!"
Eating it.
By the fourth course, I look over at my friend Josh,
who eats edibles all the time, and he is sweating bullets, his eyes are red.
He's like, "I have never been this high in my life."
And I'm like...
"Shit!
Shit!"
[moans]
"Oh, God! What is going to happen to me?
Oh, what is going to happen?"
That, of course, does not keep me from eating dessert.
They bring out the fifth course, it's bread pudding.
Those are literally my two favorite foods, bread and pudding.
Of course I'm going to eat that.
So I eat all of that. The waiter comes over.
I was like, "Hey, man, can I ask,
like, how much weed do you think I have consumed in this meal?
Like... Like, on a scale of Michael Phelps to Snoop Dogg, how high am I?"
And he was like, "Well, let's just say you ate everything."
I was like...
"Let's just say I did."
[audience laughs]
He's like, "Then you've had about five joints."
Five joints! People, I have never had a full joint.
I have just consumed five joints in one meal.
And it hasn't hit me yet, so I'm like,
"OK. OK. Maybe I'm...
Maybe I'm indestructible.
Maybe that's my superpower."
And then, all of a sudden,
my right eyelid just slammed shut.
I was like, "Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! I have one eye!
Oh, my God! I have one eye!"
Chelsea's dying laughing.
She's trying to pry it open.
It will not come open.
I'm convinced I'm going to be like a pirate.
I'm like, "I don't want to be a pirate!
I don't have a patch! I don't have a cool story!
I just have no self-control!"
I'm trying to open it up. I don't have access to my hand.
It won't reach up there.
She tells me to get... She's like, "Get up and get some water."
So I try to stand up and I can't walk.
For some reason, I think the best way to help with gravity is to walk like a pony.
So I start...
[audience laughs]
Like a calf just being born,
walking like a pony.
I look like... like one of those sad dogs in those Sarah McLachlan commercials.
"Adopt me!
Please adopt me!"
I lost all control of my body.
I was like a senior citizen all of a sudden.
Chelsea's so embarrassed, she's like, "Get her out."
I'm like, "You did this! You did this to me!
You created this monster!"
I get in the car, we go home. It's a 30-minute drive.
I think I'm passed out.
I can't hear anything, so clearly, I'm not talking.
I get home and I pass out because I can't function.
I called Josh the next day.
I was like, "Dude, what happened in the car ride home? Did I even talk?"
He was like, "Literally for 30 minutes,
every single house we passed by,
you told us what year that house was built...
how many bedrooms it had,
what the square footage was."
Out of nowhere,
I became a real estate agent.
[audience laughs]
Do you know what the best part was?
I sold three houses.
[audience applauds]
So awesome.
I thought I would be a real estate agent until I found out
you have to dress up every day.
Apparently shoulder pads are out of style, so...
I am a comedian, y'all.
I'm going to stick with being a comedian. So that's who I am.
I wanted to tell you guys a little bit about what I have been through,
because we're all friends now.
We're digging deep.
Even though I'm a big old lesbian right now,
I was in the closet for a long time.
I did not come out until I was 25 years old,
which was not super weird because I'm from the Bible Belt,
and that was what you did.
I moved in with a man when I was in college,
and my mom, being the good Christian woman that she was, was not having it.
"I cannot believe that you moved in with a man and you are not even married.
You're going to be living in sin."
I was like, "Then you're not going to like the next thing I have to tell you."
"Buckle up! We're about to get on that gay train!"
[whoops]
[groans of desire]
That's the gay train. It's like...
[moans of desire]
The gay-guy train is like this. It's like...
[deeper moans of desire]
Because they like to...
[clicks tongue]
Boop!
I'm talking about anal, ma'am.
[audience laughs]
Sorry, Mom. Talking about anal.
Yeah, that train is all caboose.
Listen, I don't think gay guys or straight girls get enough credit for doing that.
If anyone tried to put anything in my butt hole,
I would be like, "Ow! No!"
Listen, I'm telling you, ladies,
if you ever want to get out of doing anal,
there is no bigger boner killer than going,
"Ow! No!
Ow! No! Ow! No! Ow! No!"
He will never try again.
He will be so freaked out.
I actually was a virgin for a long time as well.
Virgin! Any virgins in here tonight?
[man cheers]
Oh, one brave guy! Yes!
Somebody, hook him up!
[audience applauds]
Yeah, that... Yeah, clap for you. Yes.
Brave virgin.
Listen, I'm from the South. You can use the same reason I did.
I would tell people when I was in college,
because I was still a virgin in college,
"I am a virgin for Jesus.
I am doing this for Jesus."
And Jesus was like, "I don't think you are, though.
No, that's on you.
You might want to wear that Fitbit."
[shocked] "Jesus!
Yeah, thou shalt not judge, Jesus!"
I went to college with a lot of virgins,
because I went to a conservative Christian school,
and they would freak us out about sex all the time,
and they were constantly warning us about roofies.
And there was always, like,
some closeted lesbian on the staff named Linda,
who was just very intense.
Very intense about parties.
[in deep voice] "Come on, bring it in, ladies!
Ladies! Come on, I want you to take a knee! Come on, ladies!"
Like we're on a softball team.
"Ladies, come on! Take a knee! I need to talk to you.
Sheila. Sheila, are you listening?
Come on over here. I need you to take a knee, Sheila.
I've got a lot to tell you, OK? Are you going to that party?
Sheila, are you listening?
Sheila, this is very important.
If you go to a party
and there is a bunch of men around,
if you have got a drink in your hand, I need you to take that hand,
put it over that drink, look that guy in the eye and say, 'No!'
'No!'"
We never got laid, you guys.
We never got laid because we listened to Linda.
But there were some girls at our school that liked to go out and party,
and we would have a girls' night.
Any girls' nights tonight?
[a few cheers]
Hey, there's a virgin back there.
Yeah, we had a girl...
Girls get crazy when they get in big groups together.
I don't know what it is. They go nuts.
They walk into a bar and are like, "It is fucking girls' night!"
[yells]
Like, crazy. They're like Gremlins that got wet after midnight.
"Fucking girls' night!"
And there's always one girl in every girls' night group
who is the responsible one.
If she's not getting laid, her friends are not getting laid.
She's basically the bouncer for her friends' vaginas.
And just so you know, you don't choose to be the responsible one, it chooses you.
And I was the responsible one.
I got chosen to be the responsible one.
So I would just walk into a club
and just start swatting dicks away, like...
[mimics a thump]
"She's going to grad school, don't distract her!"
"She has got a 3.8 GPA!"
Just swatting dicks away.
And the thing is, guys have not learned you have to distract the responsible one,
otherwise none of you are getting laid, OK?
You've got to distract her. Either you send a dude in to hit on her...
But if someone had just, I don't know,
given me a cheese plate...
[audience laughs]
You know?
I'd have been like, "You go on and do what you need to do.
I'm going to eat this Gouda.
Go on, get.
Me and this Gouda."
But they didn't do that, so I would watch my friends like a hawk all night.
These guys are giving them alcohol, thought they were getting lucky.
2:00 a.m. would hit and I would be like, "You guys, let's go.
Christina, you're better than this.
Let's go.
Jessica, you need to respect yourself.
Let's go.
Do you remember what happened to Rebecca? Neither does she. Let's go.
You said we were going to go to IHOP at the end of the night.
We promised the only thing we were putting in our mouths tonight is pancakes.
Let's go!"
[groans]
I was the worst.
I don't know why anyone took me out anywhere.
But it turns out I was so uptight about my friends
because I was gay and nobody told me.
I had no idea.
The hardest thing about realizing that you are gay
is that then you have to come out to all these people.
And my parents were divorced,
so I couldn't just have one big talk.
I had to have, like, a coming out tour.
"Coming out to a city near you,
one dyke only!
Fortune."
First stop on that tour was my dad.
Like, southern men in general don't like to talk about feelings,
especially my dad.
I was like, "Dad, I'm gay," and he was like...
"OK."
[masculine grunting]
"OK. OK.
OK.
Well...
Do you want us to go and buy you, like, a men's blazer?
Throw in some beef jerky.
Do you want us to buy you a top hat?
You want a top hat?"
I'm like, "What?
You think lesbians wear top hats?
What lesbian bar did you just, like,
wander into one night,
where a bunch of lesbians were wearing top hats?
Just looking like they're on the cover of The New Yorker,
being all uppity, like,
[in posh voice] 'I will have some of your finest vagina.'"
Some uppity lesbian bar.
Probably French.
Called Chick-fil-A.
[audience laughs]
I told my brothers that I was gay,
and we were standing outside,
and they were like, "You're never going to believe what is behind you right now."
And I looked behind me,
and it was the biggest rainbow I had ever seen in my entire life,
just directly behind me,
as if I had, like, ordered some sort of VIP coming out package...
where it's like,
"I'm gay! Cue the rainbow!"
[audience applauds]
It's the best... I recommend it.
You cannot argue with somebody when they're going full rainbow.
Yeah, I love my family.
I was very close to my grandmother in particular.
And grandmas from the South are just crazy.
They have their own home remedies because they don't believe in doctors.
Southern people are weird about science, anyway.
And she...
If we had anything wrong with us, she didn't want us to go to a doctor.
She was like, "I can fix it," and she would give you food.
She thought food cured everything.
It cures everything but diabetes.
[audience laughs]
I'm, like, this close.
I guess that's why her next remedy made sense.
No matter what was wrong, when I was growing up,
her number-one remedy was to give you a suppository.
Yeah.
More like her number-two remedy.
Hiyo!
Hey!
It didn't matter what was wrong with you.
If you had a headache, suppository.
If you had a sore throat, suppository.
If you had a stomach ache, Coca-Cola
and a suppository.
So that is why I skipped Grandma on my coming out tour, y'all.
I made somebody else tell her, because I knew...
I knew she would have been like, "I know how to fix this."
And I would have to be like, "Ow! No!"
[audience applauds]
No.
You guys, I'm kidding.
My grandmother didn't think she could cure gayness.
Who do you think she is, the vice president?
[shocked laughter]
Oh, what?
[mimics explosion]
[audience applauds loudly]
My one political joke.
But it finally happened, you guys.
Finally, I got hit on by a guy.
Legitimately hit on by a dude. Not him.
Although we have a lot of chemistry.
Yeah, I got hit on by a dude.
This one night, I was in a bar,
like, a very dark bar...
and this guy comes up to me, like, out of nowhere, and he singles me out.
He was like, "Hey.
You... You look nice."
He was like, "Do you want to go back to my... to my place?"
I was like, "Dude!
I'm wearing a top hat.
That's your first clue that this is not going to work out,
unless you bring me Chick-fil-A,
and then I will hot-clarinet it
all night long!"
That's my time. Thank you, guys, so much.
[rapturous applause]
["(You Can Still) Rock in America" by Night Ranger plays]
♪ You can still rock in America ♪
♪ Ah yeah, s'alright ♪
♪ You can still rock in America ♪
[announcer] Give it up for Fortune Feimster, everyone!
♪ You can still rock in America ♪