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[The Lumineers "Cleopatra" playing]
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♪ And I left the footprints ♪
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♪ The mud stained on the carpet ♪
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[car horn]
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♪ And it hardened like my heart did
when you left town ♪
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♪ But I must... ♪
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-How was it?
-Fun.
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Have a good time.
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♪ Damn your wife, I'd be your mistress
just to have you around ♪
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{\an8}♪ While the church discouraged
any lust that burned within me... ♪
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{\an8}[cheering getting louder]
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♪ So I drive a taxi
and the traffic.... ♪
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[applause]
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[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
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please give a warm welcome
to Nate Bargatze!
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[cheering, applause]
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[The Lumineers "Cleopatra"
still playing in background]
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[applause and cheering continue]
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We're doing it.
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I mean it's un...
It's unbelievable.
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[chuckles with the crowd]
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It's very exciting to be here.
Not all shows are like this.
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I did a show in a prison once.
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[laughter]
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All the way in it.
We went in there.
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There were a few more people than this.
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We go in... Let's say you guys
are like the inmates,
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so I'm like sitting here, doing
my dumb jokes, none of them work.
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Every joke I have involves
being outside in the past 30 years...
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[laughter]
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Nothing's relatable.
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I'm like, "Traffic's crazy, do you guys
remember... Who remembers traffic?"
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[laughter]
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An inmate gets up
and starts walking towards me,
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I'm like, "Oh boy, here we go.
I've seen movies.
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He's going to use me to break out."
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So...
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[laughter]
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I don't want to point at him.
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But I'm trying to draw... I'm like,
"The weather's been pretty crazy.
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Should he be walking up like that?
Uh..."
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[laughter]
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Turns out he's just going
to the bathroom, right behind me.
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He's a good guy. I judged him on
what he was wearing and where we were at.
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It was my fault.
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The bathrooms are not...
They're like, open.
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So I'm against this brick wall
and it was like half way up,
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so it's me, a brick wall,
and then the urinals.
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And he just comes out
and then comes and pees,
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and picks the one right behind me.
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And so it's just me and him,
just standing there.
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He's peeing, I'm like trying to talk.
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And he just pees,
without even kind of a problem.
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It was the most confidence I've ever
seen in my entire life, I mean, I...
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I thought, "Whatever you think
this guy did, this guy did it."
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[laughter]
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"An innocent man doesn't pee like that.
That's a... He's not getting out!"
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[laughter]
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I took social media off my phone.
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I have Instagram still on there.
I feel like it's still OK.
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It's like, you know... It's safe.
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Twitter's like...
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I feel like it's just like celebrities
telling you you're the worst.
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That's all it is. All day.
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When it's the presidential election,
everybody's furious
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and then there was a big pipeline thing,
remember that?
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"We've got to stop this pipeline."
I'm like, "Yeah, we do."
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I don't even know...
I don't even know where this is at.
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[laughter]
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I couldn't find it.
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Right now, I don't know
what was in the pipe,
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I don't know if the pipe
was above ground,
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but it was like, "We've got to stop...
People have stuff there,
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you can't be throwing pipes..."
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[laughter]
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"You can't just throw pipes everywhere
you want to throw pipes, you know?"
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Just...
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[laughter]
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I follow Leonardo DiCaprio, you know,
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I'm a big fan, just want to see
what that guy's life is like.
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He tweets nothing fun out.
I've learned that.
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[laughter]
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He tweeted out, "100 million sharks
get killed a year by people."
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Just threw that out. No solution.
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[laughter, applause]
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I'm just at home in Tennessee,
nowhere near an ocean.
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[laughter]
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It's so many sharks.
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I don't even... If you told me to guess
how many sharks were alive,
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I would never have guessed 100 million.
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[laughter]
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Uh... A million, I don't know.
Who knows how many sharks there are?
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I tweeted back, "All right dude,
I won't kill any sharks."
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I don't know.
Is that what you wanted out of this?
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[laughter]
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I won't do it. I've never even been
near a situation where I've thought,
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"I might have to kill this shark."
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[laughter]
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Never even met a guy
that's petted a shark,
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but I'm not...
I'm not getting involved now.
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[laughter]
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Facebook is more... That's your friends
telling you you're the worst.
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It's more local.
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No one has a good day on Facebook.
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It's everybody's
worst days of their lives.
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[laughter]
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And the first thing you look at...
You wake up, cut it on,
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and then just be like,
"Do you want to see a murder video?"
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You're like,
"I don't at all. I just woke up.
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I'm just trying to see
whose birthday it is."
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And...
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[laughter]
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They're like, "Well we already
started playing it, so..."
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And you're like, "All right,
I guess I'll watch that."
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My wife gets mad because
I don't like any of her photos.
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She's like, "Why don't you
like any of my photos?"
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And it's like, "Is this not enough,
us living together and stuff?"
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[laughter]
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"I don't..." And I did like it!
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"When we took it, I said,
'I like it.' I told you I liked it."
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[laughter, applause]
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"I looked at it, I'm in it.
I'm in the photo.
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There's not much more I can do
with this photo."
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[laughter]
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We've been together my entire life.
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We started dating when I was like, 21.
I'm 37 now.
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Like, I went from like, my mom to her.
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So I don't even know what it feels like
to not have some lady be like,
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"I don't know
if I would do that," you know.
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[laughter]
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[chuckles]
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And now we have a daughter,
so I'll never know.
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I'll never know.
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We get in fights, you know, still.
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And when you're married for a long time,
fighting is... It can happen...
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It's open 24 hours, basically.
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At any time.
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We got in a fight recently, at 3 a.m.
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We woke up to get in this fight.
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[laughter]
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We have a dog, and our dog like,
freaks out when it thunders.
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And so we have sedatives to give her,
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because there's only so many times
you can tell a dog it's just thunder,
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before you're like,
"She's not getting it."
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You're like, "Just take this."
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So I woke up, I had to wake my wife up,
and I was like, "Where are the sedatives?"
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She was like, "In the cabinet."
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So I go get them, I looked at the bottle
and the bottle said they were expired.
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I had to wake her back up and
I was like, "These say they're expired."
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She was annoyed and like,
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"They're not expired,
they're new pills in an old pill bottle."
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I was like, "I should have
thought of that. That's my fault."
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[laughter]
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"People come to our house, they get
milk and they ask 'Is this milk expired?'
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and I have to go, 'That's new milk
in an old milk jug.
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Are you the stupidest person
I've ever met?
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Why would you not assume
that's what it is?'"
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[laughter]
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That's roughly what I told her.
It wasn't as fun as that.
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And then she goes all in
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and tells me it doesn't matter
because dog medicine can't even expire.
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I was like, "You've never even heard
a rumor about that. You don't know that."
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We don't know any dog medicine people.
I know who she knows.
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We don't know one dog medicine maker
that's texting her,
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"We're doing some big things
at the dog medicine factory.
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I wanted to let you know first,
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but we've invented medicine
that can't expire.
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Feel free
to tell your husband at 3 a.m."
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[laughter]
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We do have a daughter as well.
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We took her to Disneyland
when she was two.
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People told us that was a mistake.
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We didn't ask anybody,
but they were happy to tell us.
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There were like, "You're wasting money,
she won't remember it."
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I was like, "She believes in Minnie Mouse.
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Minnie Mouse is like real to her.
It's like fun to see her get excited.
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Should I just lock her in a closet
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and be like,
'Do you remember yesterday? No?'"
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[laughter]
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"Until you start remembering things,
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I'm not going to waste
any of my money on you, all right?"
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[laughter]
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We're trying to discipline her too,
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and it's hard
to discipline kids nowadays.
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You can't do it, you can't spank them,
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you can't talk about it
in a microphone for sure so...
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[laughter]
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So what do you do?
You've got to hope it works out.
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Spanking got blown out of proportion.
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You would see a video of a lady fighting
her kid in a Wal-Mart parking lot.
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They're like,
"You're not supposed to spank."
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You're like, "That was a regular fight."
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[laughter]
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"That's not what we're talking about."
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I was spanked, my generation was.
It was fine.
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If you talk to really old generations,
they act like they were beat with bats.
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[laughter]
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They say stuff, you're like,
"That doesn't sound
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like that should have been happening.
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You should have called
the police or something."
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They're like, "The police would hit us
as well, everybody was hitting us!"
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[laughter]
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It's fun to be back home. I've got my
20-year high school reunion this year,
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and I'm pretty excited,
I'm pretty invested.
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00:10:01,602 --> 00:10:05,314
I didn't go to college, so this is like
the last group of people I met,
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so I--
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[laughter]
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I mean, I cannot wait. I love it.
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I went to the ten-year. Loved it.
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Suggested a 15. No one wanted it.
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[laughter]
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Finally, the 20 this year.
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My buddy told me, "I'm going to
lose weight for our 20-year reunion."
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00:10:24,249 --> 00:10:27,252
And that always feels...
You know, "Why don't you lose it
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for the people that were in your life
every day for the past 20 years?"
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[laughter]
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"You've made your wife stare
at your moose body for 15 years."
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[laughter]
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00:10:37,054 --> 00:10:38,681
"Why don't you tone it up for her?"
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He's like, "No, I'll just save it
for the people I hate."
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I'm going as is. Just, you know...
This is what happened.
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[whistling, applause]
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I don't know what to tell you.
Yeah. I...
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[applause continues]
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I didn't work out then,
I didn't start when I left,
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so I'm just seeing
how it's going to go.
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[laughter]
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00:11:01,245 --> 00:11:02,996
I do zero working out.
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00:11:03,747 --> 00:11:07,543
Not even... I mean, it's not like
you're like, "Whoa, wow."
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00:11:07,626 --> 00:11:11,004
Like, it's like "Yeah, we figured that."
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00:11:11,088 --> 00:11:12,464
[laughter]
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Every hotel I go to,
I ask if they have a gym.
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I don't even have clothes
that I could work out in.
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There's no way...
I'm like, "Is it 24 hours?
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00:11:20,681 --> 00:11:25,144
I was going to start tonight at midnight.
I was wondering if that's..."
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00:11:25,227 --> 00:11:27,646
What I've learned,
what's easier than working out
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is just tell people that
you used to weigh 300 pounds.
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That's a lot.
They don't know, you know? So...
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I've never weighed 300 pounds,
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00:11:36,864 --> 00:11:39,992
but I look pretty amazing for a guy
that used to weigh 300 pounds.
241
00:11:40,659 --> 00:11:43,620
You're like, "Yeah, I got tired
of being tired, all right?
242
00:11:44,329 --> 00:11:48,333
Today's my cheat day obviously,
but normally I'm pretty strict."
243
00:11:48,417 --> 00:11:49,835
[laughter, cheering]
244
00:11:51,086 --> 00:11:52,921
I just don't eat anything healthy.
245
00:11:53,005 --> 00:11:53,881
I eat, like...
246
00:11:53,964 --> 00:11:57,301
I like apples,
but I only like pre-cut apples.
247
00:11:57,384 --> 00:11:58,260
[laughter]
248
00:11:58,343 --> 00:12:02,890
I won't eat a whole one.
You know, I'm not a horse, all right?
249
00:12:02,973 --> 00:12:03,849
[laughter]
250
00:12:03,932 --> 00:12:07,394
Could you guys do some work
over there at the apple factory?
251
00:12:07,478 --> 00:12:09,521
However apples get here.
252
00:12:11,857 --> 00:12:15,277
I've watched a lot of documentaries
that try to make you eat better.
253
00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:19,156
I watched Fed Up and it's just about
all the food that I eat every day.
254
00:12:19,239 --> 00:12:22,242
There was nothing in it
that I haven't had recently.
255
00:12:22,326 --> 00:12:23,494
[laughter]
256
00:12:23,577 --> 00:12:26,246
You know that saying,
"I haven't had that in forever"?
257
00:12:26,330 --> 00:12:29,958
I haven't said that in forever.
There's nothing I haven't had.
258
00:12:30,042 --> 00:12:32,628
Airheads, that's like,
"Are they still doing good?"
259
00:12:32,711 --> 00:12:33,921
"Yah, they're doing great."
260
00:12:34,004 --> 00:12:34,922
[laughter]
261
00:12:35,005 --> 00:12:37,633
"They've got more colors now,
it's pretty fun."
262
00:12:39,468 --> 00:12:42,346
I go to too much chain stuff. That's...
263
00:12:42,429 --> 00:12:45,224
I can't think outside of like,
going to like a chain place.
264
00:12:45,307 --> 00:12:49,061
And they mess up all the time
and I still just go back.
265
00:12:49,144 --> 00:12:52,981
I go to McDonald's, and I don't have
the nerve to be in the Drive Thru
266
00:12:53,065 --> 00:12:55,859
and be like, "Hey guys, I said
no onions, this has onions."
267
00:12:55,943 --> 00:12:58,654
They just look at me like,
"You're too old to be here, man.
268
00:12:58,737 --> 00:13:01,657
Don't come here.
This is not a real restaurant, all right?
269
00:13:01,740 --> 00:13:03,742
I'm 11 years-old. That guy's 90.
270
00:13:04,660 --> 00:13:07,913
Go to like a reg... You live near here.
Go to a regular place."
271
00:13:07,996 --> 00:13:09,289
[laughter]
272
00:13:10,457 --> 00:13:14,962
I had a whole issue at a Starbucks.
273
00:13:15,045 --> 00:13:17,965
I went into Starbucks,
ordered an ice coffee with milk,
274
00:13:18,048 --> 00:13:19,633
nothing crazy, you know.
275
00:13:19,716 --> 00:13:21,301
And the guy looked at me weird.
276
00:13:21,385 --> 00:13:23,679
You know when you get something
in your head?
277
00:13:23,762 --> 00:13:26,765
You're like, "I'm pretty sure
he doesn't know what I said."
278
00:13:26,848 --> 00:13:29,935
But you're like too far in and you're
both touching the credit card, so...
279
00:13:30,018 --> 00:13:31,019
[laughter]
280
00:13:31,103 --> 00:13:34,898
You've just got to go, "All right,
let's see what he thinks he heard."
281
00:13:34,982 --> 00:13:36,149
[laughter]
282
00:13:37,609 --> 00:13:42,072
And I go to the end of the counter
and he gives me milk with ice in it.
283
00:13:42,155 --> 00:13:44,241
[laughter]
284
00:13:45,409 --> 00:13:47,244
I had to ask him.
I go, "What is that?"
285
00:13:47,327 --> 00:13:48,787
He goes, "Milk with ice in it."
286
00:13:48,870 --> 00:13:50,038
[laughter]
287
00:13:50,122 --> 00:13:53,458
I was like, "What did you think...
Do I look like a psycho to you, dude?
288
00:13:55,210 --> 00:13:59,381
I don't... I've never ordered milk
publicly in the history of my life.
289
00:13:59,464 --> 00:14:02,718
I've never once in my life
been out and thought,
290
00:14:02,801 --> 00:14:06,221
'You know what I could go for right now?
A cup of milk. I'd love to do that.
291
00:14:06,305 --> 00:14:07,347
I'd love a cup of milk.
292
00:14:07,431 --> 00:14:10,767
I'd like to drink it out of a straw,'
something else I've never done.
293
00:14:10,851 --> 00:14:13,061
Let's do that,
and then, let's put ice in it.
294
00:14:13,145 --> 00:14:15,856
Let's do something
I didn't even know you could do.
295
00:14:15,939 --> 00:14:19,693
Let's do all that in front of
all these people I don't know."
296
00:14:19,776 --> 00:14:23,030
And it was a Starbucks in a Target.
It wasn't even its own Starbucks.
297
00:14:23,113 --> 00:14:26,074
It was a Starbucks that's like,
"We don't really do everything,"
298
00:14:26,158 --> 00:14:28,452
I was like, "Do you do
milk with ice in it by any chance?"
299
00:14:28,535 --> 00:14:29,369
[laughter]
300
00:14:29,453 --> 00:14:30,746
"Is that something?"
301
00:14:30,829 --> 00:14:32,122
[applause]
302
00:14:34,958 --> 00:14:36,126
I just go to all of them,
303
00:14:36,209 --> 00:14:38,670
and I still go and everybody messes up.
304
00:14:38,754 --> 00:14:40,839
I want them to do so much better.
305
00:14:41,924 --> 00:14:45,469
I went to Wal-Mart. I go there.
I'm fine with them, you know.
306
00:14:45,552 --> 00:14:48,388
I'm a Wal-Mart guy.
I'm like, "That's where I'm at."
307
00:14:50,641 --> 00:14:53,810
I went into one,
and Wal-Mart's getting a little like...
308
00:14:53,894 --> 00:14:57,105
Sometimes when you go in there,
some of the people that work there,
309
00:14:57,189 --> 00:15:00,817
you'll be talking to them and I'm like
"I don't know if you work here,
310
00:15:00,901 --> 00:15:03,278
or if you're a customer,
like, it's 50/50."
311
00:15:03,362 --> 00:15:05,155
[laughter]
312
00:15:05,238 --> 00:15:07,574
But they're willing to help,
which is nice.
313
00:15:07,658 --> 00:15:10,702
I went into one,
I was trying to buy a hammock.
314
00:15:10,786 --> 00:15:13,830
So I go in, I go to
where I imagine hammocks live,
315
00:15:13,914 --> 00:15:15,791
and I went up to this guy
316
00:15:15,874 --> 00:15:18,210
and I was like, "Hey man,
do you guys sell hammocks?"
317
00:15:18,293 --> 00:15:20,045
And he was like, "What's a hammock?"
318
00:15:20,128 --> 00:15:22,214
[laughter]
319
00:15:22,297 --> 00:15:27,302
And it threw me off enough
that I was like, "Am I saying it wrong?"
320
00:15:27,386 --> 00:15:29,471
[laughter]
321
00:15:30,639 --> 00:15:33,976
I was like, "I think I'm saying it
wrong, because you know what it is."
322
00:15:34,059 --> 00:15:35,519
[laughter]
323
00:15:35,602 --> 00:15:38,689
And I was like, "Is it 'hammot'
with a T, does that sound right?
324
00:15:38,772 --> 00:15:40,440
Do you guys sell 'hammots'?"
325
00:15:41,733 --> 00:15:44,653
And he was like, "We're out
of 'hammots', we're out of them."
326
00:15:44,736 --> 00:15:45,988
[laughter]
327
00:15:46,071 --> 00:15:47,155
"It's hammot season."
328
00:15:48,031 --> 00:15:51,243
And I left, went to my car,
googled where to buy a 'hammot'...
329
00:15:52,577 --> 00:15:55,288
...and Google was like,
"Do you mean 'hammock'?"
330
00:15:55,372 --> 00:15:57,082
[laughter]
331
00:15:57,165 --> 00:16:00,502
I sure do, Google.
Where were you at during all of this?
332
00:16:00,585 --> 00:16:04,256
The other embarrassing part of that
is so it happened,
333
00:16:04,339 --> 00:16:07,551
and then I called a comic buddy of mine
to tell him the story.
334
00:16:07,634 --> 00:16:09,344
I was like, "This is funny, right?"
335
00:16:09,428 --> 00:16:10,470
But then I asked him,
336
00:16:10,554 --> 00:16:13,098
"Hey, do you think if I tell people
I was buying a hammock,
337
00:16:13,181 --> 00:16:15,392
is that going to come off
like I'm bragging?"
338
00:16:15,475 --> 00:16:19,980
For some reason, in my head
that's just like a wealthy purchase.
339
00:16:20,063 --> 00:16:22,315
Like, that's... A hammock in Wal-Mart.
340
00:16:22,399 --> 00:16:25,235
An audience would be like,
"Whoa, I didn't know we were..."
341
00:16:25,318 --> 00:16:26,403
[laughter]
342
00:16:26,486 --> 00:16:29,072
"...just hearing about
how good you're doing.
343
00:16:29,865 --> 00:16:32,701
Man, what's it like to have two trees
that close together?"
344
00:16:32,784 --> 00:16:34,286
[laughter]
345
00:16:34,369 --> 00:16:37,539
"Is it nice? I heard... It looks nice.
I've seen pictures."
346
00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:42,919
I've had my one fancy purchase.
347
00:16:43,003 --> 00:16:45,964
I had LASIK surgery.
348
00:16:46,048 --> 00:16:49,634
And we were living in New York,
so I had it, it was in Manhattan.
349
00:16:49,718 --> 00:16:52,596
Got a deal on it,
so that helps knock it down.
350
00:16:54,097 --> 00:16:56,725
It worked. You know, I can't see
this side of the room,
351
00:16:56,808 --> 00:16:59,728
but besides that,
this side I see almost too good.
352
00:16:59,811 --> 00:17:01,480
[laughter]
353
00:17:02,564 --> 00:17:03,440
No, it was fine.
354
00:17:03,523 --> 00:17:05,942
And they did a couple of things
that were weird.
355
00:17:06,026 --> 00:17:07,903
Besides the deal I got.
356
00:17:07,986 --> 00:17:11,865
They want to show you the video.
357
00:17:11,948 --> 00:17:14,951
Before you have it, they're like,
"Here, watch eye surgery."
358
00:17:15,035 --> 00:17:17,370
You're like, "Just do it.
I don't want to watch."
359
00:17:17,954 --> 00:17:20,874
I trust... We're in a building,
this seems like a real thing,
360
00:17:20,957 --> 00:17:22,709
so just...
361
00:17:22,793 --> 00:17:26,129
If I was doing it out of some guy's van,
I might ask that guy for a video,
362
00:17:26,213 --> 00:17:29,174
but you, you know, be normal.
363
00:17:29,257 --> 00:17:32,094
And the other thing,
they didn't make me bring anybody.
364
00:17:32,177 --> 00:17:35,138
I was like, "Should I bring
someone to take me home?"
365
00:17:35,222 --> 00:17:36,723
"No, most people can see..."
366
00:17:36,807 --> 00:17:38,391
I was like,
"You said 'most'. You sure?
367
00:17:38,475 --> 00:17:40,852
It's not a big deal,
I'll tell someone where I'm at."
368
00:17:40,936 --> 00:17:44,272
They're like, "No, don't. Did you tell
anybody where you're at?"
369
00:17:44,356 --> 00:17:46,441
[laughter]
370
00:17:48,485 --> 00:17:51,279
So I go in, they give you a Valium.
371
00:17:51,363 --> 00:17:54,574
You go back and you do it,
and when you get done,
372
00:17:54,658 --> 00:17:58,078
they give you those big sunglasses,
and then I'm on a Valium.
373
00:17:58,161 --> 00:17:59,246
They're like, "You good?"
374
00:17:59,329 --> 00:18:02,749
You're like, "Yeah, this is like
the funnest surgery I've ever...
375
00:18:02,833 --> 00:18:04,584
This has been a fun day to be honest."
376
00:18:04,668 --> 00:18:06,753
[laughter]
377
00:18:06,837 --> 00:18:09,798
They're like, "Can you see?"
And I was like, "Yeah, I'm fine."
378
00:18:09,881 --> 00:18:11,925
So I go down, I'm in Manhattan,
379
00:18:12,008 --> 00:18:15,679
we get out and I start walking
to go to the subway a few blocks away.
380
00:18:15,762 --> 00:18:19,182
Then my eyes start hurting so bad
and I just want to keep them shut.
381
00:18:19,266 --> 00:18:21,017
You don't want to open them.
382
00:18:21,101 --> 00:18:22,936
And so I'm like, "I can't get home."
383
00:18:23,019 --> 00:18:27,023
So I get my phone and I'm like blinking
and I get to my wife and I call her,
384
00:18:27,107 --> 00:18:29,526
and I was like, "You've got to
come get me. I can't see."
385
00:18:29,609 --> 00:18:31,820
I was like, "You should
have come too, by the way."
386
00:18:31,903 --> 00:18:32,988
[laughter]
387
00:18:33,071 --> 00:18:35,448
"Why are you not here?"
388
00:18:35,532 --> 00:18:36,992
[laughter]
389
00:18:39,119 --> 00:18:41,121
So I was like,
"You've got to come find me,
390
00:18:41,204 --> 00:18:43,915
I don't know where I'm at,
I've made turns."
391
00:18:44,583 --> 00:18:46,501
I was like, "Just go back to that place
392
00:18:46,585 --> 00:18:50,964
and then just expand your search
around buildings until you find me."
393
00:18:51,047 --> 00:18:54,843
And I just stood... I put my hand
on a building and I just stood...
394
00:18:54,926 --> 00:18:57,512
Because I was afraid I would
drift out into the street
395
00:18:57,596 --> 00:18:59,472
and just be, like just shuffling
396
00:18:59,556 --> 00:19:03,268
and the next thing I know I'm in the
middle of the road, just big sunglasses,
397
00:19:03,351 --> 00:19:06,813
which is not... wouldn't be
that different for New York, but...
398
00:19:06,897 --> 00:19:11,109
And so I'm just stood with my hand
like this, for like 30 minutes.
399
00:19:11,193 --> 00:19:15,280
I mean, we're up to the point where,
if anybody confidently just walked up,
400
00:19:15,363 --> 00:19:17,240
they could have taken me home.
401
00:19:17,324 --> 00:19:18,950
[laughter]
402
00:19:19,034 --> 00:19:20,744
Next person that goes, "Let's go,"
403
00:19:20,827 --> 00:19:23,163
I was living with them
for the rest of my life.
404
00:19:25,498 --> 00:19:28,293
It's fun doing comedy
because you get to travel so much.
405
00:19:28,376 --> 00:19:32,839
I fly a bunch
and it never gets easy when you fly.
406
00:19:32,923 --> 00:19:36,843
You just think, like, every plane
you're on is going to go down.
407
00:19:36,927 --> 00:19:40,972
It's not... I know, dark, you know.
You just... It's never relaxing.
408
00:19:41,598 --> 00:19:43,058
I had like...
409
00:19:43,141 --> 00:19:44,684
I've got on a plane once, and...
410
00:19:44,768 --> 00:19:46,811
Do you ever get on,
look at everybody on it
411
00:19:46,895 --> 00:19:50,065
and it just looks like a group
that would go down in a plane crash?
412
00:19:50,148 --> 00:19:51,650
[laughter, applause]
413
00:19:51,733 --> 00:19:54,277
You're like, "I feel like
I've seen all of us before."
414
00:19:54,361 --> 00:19:56,696
[laughter]
415
00:19:56,780 --> 00:19:58,907
I had a pilot tell us
right before we took off
416
00:19:58,990 --> 00:20:01,493
that he was retiring
and this was his last flight.
417
00:20:01,576 --> 00:20:03,245
[audience] Oh!
418
00:20:04,412 --> 00:20:07,165
You're like, "Why don't you just
say that when we land, dude?"
419
00:20:07,249 --> 00:20:08,083
[laughter]
420
00:20:08,166 --> 00:20:10,502
"It's not like we're going to be
different people.
421
00:20:10,585 --> 00:20:11,878
We're the same people."
422
00:20:12,629 --> 00:20:16,007
He's basically just like,
"Either way, this is my last flight."
423
00:20:16,800 --> 00:20:20,011
All I can tell you
is I'm not flying again.
424
00:20:20,095 --> 00:20:22,180
[laughter]
425
00:20:23,848 --> 00:20:25,058
I'm trying to get better.
426
00:20:25,141 --> 00:20:28,061
When you travel now,
you go to different cities
427
00:20:28,144 --> 00:20:32,399
to actually go explore the town
and see stuff.
428
00:20:32,482 --> 00:20:35,151
I went to
Wilmington, North Carolina, and...
429
00:20:35,235 --> 00:20:36,069
[cheering]
430
00:20:36,152 --> 00:20:37,612
Yeah a couple of us? All right.
431
00:20:37,696 --> 00:20:39,906
They have a big battleship there,
432
00:20:39,990 --> 00:20:43,201
and it's in like a river,
because you can see across.
433
00:20:43,285 --> 00:20:46,454
It doesn't look big,
but it's probably part of the ocean.
434
00:20:46,538 --> 00:20:47,539
[laughter]
435
00:20:47,622 --> 00:20:51,418
It's like one of those where you're like,
"Could I drink that water, or not?"
436
00:20:51,501 --> 00:20:54,671
But you can't ask someone
how water works, so...
437
00:20:54,754 --> 00:20:56,256
[laughter]
438
00:20:56,339 --> 00:20:58,091
I didn't even go on it but it's there.
439
00:20:58,174 --> 00:21:00,802
I just wanted you to not think
I didn't see it, if you go.
440
00:21:00,885 --> 00:21:02,470
[laughter]
441
00:21:02,554 --> 00:21:04,347
But I looked up some other stuff to do.
442
00:21:04,431 --> 00:21:06,850
They have a thing called
Cape Fear Serpentarium,
443
00:21:06,933 --> 00:21:08,977
and it's just a guy's house
444
00:21:09,060 --> 00:21:11,813
and he has a bunch of snakes,
lizards and a crocodile,
445
00:21:11,896 --> 00:21:13,857
just in his house.
446
00:21:13,940 --> 00:21:18,778
He has the world record for being bitten
by a viper snake. It's seven times.
447
00:21:18,862 --> 00:21:21,698
Which is a record
no one is trying to get.
448
00:21:21,781 --> 00:21:23,742
[laughter]
449
00:21:23,825 --> 00:21:25,285
It's so many times.
450
00:21:25,952 --> 00:21:29,831
He was bitten three times,
and then four more times after that.
451
00:21:29,914 --> 00:21:31,708
That's how many times he was bitten.
452
00:21:32,542 --> 00:21:36,546
Three's a ton, and four more after
is just too many.
453
00:21:36,629 --> 00:21:39,632
But I was like, "I've got to
go see this, this will be amazing."
454
00:21:39,716 --> 00:21:43,970
So I go, I walk over, I walk in.
When you walk in, he's got a lobby set up.
455
00:21:44,054 --> 00:21:46,139
And in the lobby, he has two parrots
456
00:21:46,222 --> 00:21:48,516
and then a bunch of
anti-government posters.
457
00:21:48,600 --> 00:21:49,559
[audience:] Oh!
458
00:21:49,642 --> 00:21:51,728
That's like real.
He just has those things.
459
00:21:51,811 --> 00:21:52,645
[laughter]
460
00:21:52,729 --> 00:21:55,815
It's like two parrots
and like a lot of stuff on chemtrails.
461
00:21:55,899 --> 00:21:59,277
He's basically like, "This is what
I would love to talk to you about."
462
00:21:59,361 --> 00:22:00,362
[laughter]
463
00:22:00,445 --> 00:22:02,322
You're like, "I just want to see snakes."
464
00:22:02,405 --> 00:22:05,283
He's like, "But maybe later, can I
corner you and talk to you about it?"
465
00:22:05,367 --> 00:22:07,744
You're like, "I don't know,
let's see how the snakes go."
466
00:22:07,827 --> 00:22:08,870
[laughter]
467
00:22:08,953 --> 00:22:10,789
So I went and I paid. It was nine bucks.
468
00:22:10,872 --> 00:22:13,083
Obviously cash only
in a place like that.
469
00:22:13,166 --> 00:22:15,752
And so I give him my nine bucks.
470
00:22:15,835 --> 00:22:19,589
The first snake I see is a Gaboon viper,
it's a crazy venomous snake,
471
00:22:19,672 --> 00:22:21,925
and there's a story written
about how venomous it is.
472
00:22:22,008 --> 00:22:25,095
And the story was these two kids broke
into the Washington National Zoo.
473
00:22:25,178 --> 00:22:28,681
In the early '80s, there's still a
Gaboon viper, for whatever reason...
474
00:22:28,765 --> 00:22:31,142
So they get it,
they put it in a trash bag.
475
00:22:31,226 --> 00:22:33,937
They're walking out,
the trash bag over their shoulder,
476
00:22:34,020 --> 00:22:35,647
as if they forgot what they just did.
477
00:22:35,730 --> 00:22:36,564
[laughter]
478
00:22:36,648 --> 00:22:40,151
The snake bites through the trash bag
because it's a 1980s trash...
479
00:22:40,235 --> 00:22:42,529
It's not like a Glad one now, you know.
480
00:22:42,612 --> 00:22:45,281
This was like when trash bags
were not doing good.
481
00:22:45,365 --> 00:22:49,786
So it bit the kid, the kid
went into a coma for four days
482
00:22:49,869 --> 00:22:52,664
then it was like, "That's all we know.
We don't know what happened."
483
00:22:52,747 --> 00:22:56,292
And you're like, "That's the whole reason
I'm even reading this. To see what...
484
00:22:56,376 --> 00:22:58,378
Did he die? Is he stronger? Are you him?"
485
00:22:58,461 --> 00:23:00,255
Like, "What's the rest of the story?"
486
00:23:00,338 --> 00:23:02,423
[laughter, applause]
487
00:23:05,510 --> 00:23:07,679
So if you ever go,
and you should go,
488
00:23:07,762 --> 00:23:12,267
if you ever go, 3 p.m. Saturday
and Sunday he feeds these things.
489
00:23:12,350 --> 00:23:14,477
So I looked at my watch,
it was like 3 p.m.,
490
00:23:14,561 --> 00:23:16,521
I was like,
"We'll go watch these things eat."
491
00:23:16,604 --> 00:23:19,190
So the first snake they go to feed
is a black mamba.
492
00:23:19,274 --> 00:23:20,942
It's another crazy venomous snake
493
00:23:21,025 --> 00:23:23,736
that should not be in America
outside of a zoo,
494
00:23:23,820 --> 00:23:26,406
especially not at a guy's house
that hates America.
495
00:23:26,489 --> 00:23:28,700
[laughter]
496
00:23:28,783 --> 00:23:31,244
So we're like,
"Right, we're going to go see this."
497
00:23:31,327 --> 00:23:34,706
So we get down there and he puts
a chicken wire fence around him,
498
00:23:34,789 --> 00:23:38,042
so if the snake gets out,
it should scale that fence pretty quick.
499
00:23:38,126 --> 00:23:39,127
[laughter]
500
00:23:39,711 --> 00:23:40,962
The fence has holes in it
501
00:23:41,045 --> 00:23:44,132
that I would describe as
a little bit bigger than a black mamba.
502
00:23:44,215 --> 00:23:45,842
[laughter]
503
00:23:45,925 --> 00:23:49,721
And... I mean, we're leaning on it,
we're getting kids up against it,
504
00:23:49,804 --> 00:23:53,183
we're like, "No, you get up here,"
the kids' faces are against it.
505
00:23:54,434 --> 00:23:57,770
So we all stand around,
and he has a bucket of dead mice.
506
00:23:57,854 --> 00:24:01,149
He grabs a mouse, he throws it in there,
he eats it, we all cheer
507
00:24:01,232 --> 00:24:02,650
and then we move on.
508
00:24:02,734 --> 00:24:05,361
Next one we come to
is a 12-foot anaconda.
509
00:24:05,445 --> 00:24:07,405
This snake is huge.
510
00:24:07,488 --> 00:24:11,492
He props open the glass cage with
a two by four, that's how big it is.
511
00:24:11,576 --> 00:24:14,245
Props it open, no chicken wire,
it's not venomous.
512
00:24:14,329 --> 00:24:17,040
Worst case scenario:
we will all wrestle this snake.
513
00:24:17,123 --> 00:24:19,417
[laughter]
514
00:24:19,500 --> 00:24:23,254
So we're all standing there,
he gets his bucket back out.
515
00:24:23,338 --> 00:24:25,256
But this time it's got dead rabbits in it
516
00:24:25,340 --> 00:24:27,634
and they're the biggest rabbits
I've ever seen in my...
517
00:24:27,717 --> 00:24:31,137
I would have paid nine dollars
to see what that rabbit's life was like.
518
00:24:31,221 --> 00:24:33,348
Just to see that rabbit
drive up that day.
519
00:24:33,431 --> 00:24:34,682
[laughter]
520
00:24:34,766 --> 00:24:38,978
He gets these giant, two-handed tongs.
They look like they're for this.
521
00:24:39,062 --> 00:24:42,607
So he grabs a rabbit,
he kind of steps back,
522
00:24:42,690 --> 00:24:45,902
he's going to make the snake
come out and get it, like he's hunting.
523
00:24:45,985 --> 00:24:49,072
So it's the rabbit, it's him,
children and then us.
524
00:24:49,155 --> 00:24:50,114
[laughter]
525
00:24:50,198 --> 00:24:52,909
I mean, he's the only employee there.
526
00:24:52,992 --> 00:24:57,997
So we stand there, luckily the snake
comes out and he gets the rabbit.
527
00:24:58,081 --> 00:25:00,291
He like constricts it,
it falls to the ground,
528
00:25:00,375 --> 00:25:03,878
he lifts it, he puts it back in,
and he goes "Well, Easter bunny's dead."
529
00:25:03,962 --> 00:25:05,755
Makes that joke for the kids.
530
00:25:05,838 --> 00:25:07,590
[audience] Aww!
531
00:25:07,674 --> 00:25:09,759
[laughter]
532
00:25:09,842 --> 00:25:12,595
And we waited for him to say
he was joking. He did not.
533
00:25:12,679 --> 00:25:14,180
[laughter]
534
00:25:14,264 --> 00:25:18,643
Yeah, he stared at the kids harder,
almost to assure it.
535
00:25:18,726 --> 00:25:20,603
That's what it is.
536
00:25:20,687 --> 00:25:24,190
Then he goes, "All right, you have
permission to touch the snake."
537
00:25:24,274 --> 00:25:26,442
No one's asking. We're walking away.
538
00:25:26,526 --> 00:25:29,153
No one's like, "I bet this is
where you can pet them."
539
00:25:29,237 --> 00:25:31,906
They're leaving
and he makes the kids pet him
540
00:25:31,990 --> 00:25:33,866
and most don't want to touch the snake.
541
00:25:33,950 --> 00:25:35,660
Most are petting
the rabbit he was eating.
542
00:25:35,743 --> 00:25:36,577
[laughter]
543
00:25:36,661 --> 00:25:39,998
It was like the '30s.
There's no rules in this place.
544
00:25:40,081 --> 00:25:41,416
It's like riding a ski lift.
545
00:25:41,499 --> 00:25:45,128
Ever been on a ski lift and half-way up
you're like, "Hey my bar didn't lock,
546
00:25:45,211 --> 00:25:46,379
should it have locked?"
547
00:25:46,462 --> 00:25:48,172
I don't do this, ever.
548
00:25:48,256 --> 00:25:49,299
[laughter]
549
00:25:50,049 --> 00:25:52,927
So the last one was the crocodile.
10-foot crocodile.
550
00:25:53,011 --> 00:25:55,930
This crocodile has been staring
out of his cage at everybody
551
00:25:56,014 --> 00:25:58,474
like he's trying to remember you
for supporting this guy.
552
00:25:58,558 --> 00:25:59,392
[laughter]
553
00:25:59,475 --> 00:26:01,728
He was like, "I'll find you one day."
554
00:26:01,811 --> 00:26:05,356
I mean, if he was in here right now
with a hat on, I wouldn't be surprised.
555
00:26:05,440 --> 00:26:08,443
That's how nervous I am
when I go out.
556
00:26:08,526 --> 00:26:10,111
[laughter]
557
00:26:10,194 --> 00:26:12,488
So we all stand around,
the crocodile's there,
558
00:26:12,572 --> 00:26:15,783
he unlocks the door, door's unlocked,
he gets his rabbit bucket
559
00:26:15,867 --> 00:26:16,951
and he grabs a rabbit,
560
00:26:17,035 --> 00:26:19,787
and he's going to throw it in there
and we'll watch.
561
00:26:19,871 --> 00:26:22,540
He grabs the rabbit,
the crocodile sees the rabbit
562
00:26:22,623 --> 00:26:25,376
and comes forward, hitting the door,
which is unlocked,
563
00:26:25,460 --> 00:26:27,253
and, we learn, also broken.
564
00:26:27,337 --> 00:26:28,588
[laughter]
565
00:26:28,671 --> 00:26:33,593
He hits the door, the crocodile
just takes him out into the carpet,
566
00:26:33,676 --> 00:26:35,386
like, with us.
567
00:26:35,470 --> 00:26:38,431
The kids... There's a 10-foot crocodile
just on the floor.
568
00:26:38,514 --> 00:26:40,308
So everybody just starts losing it.
569
00:26:40,391 --> 00:26:41,726
It's like a Godzilla movie.
570
00:26:41,809 --> 00:26:43,936
People are just running,
everybody's crying,
571
00:26:44,020 --> 00:26:46,939
people are crying real hard,
like just bawling.
572
00:26:47,023 --> 00:26:50,860
Everybody's dead behind.
You just assume it. You don't even look.
573
00:26:50,943 --> 00:26:54,781
Some lady was like, "My husband..."
I was like, "Your husband's gone, lady!
574
00:26:54,864 --> 00:26:56,366
We shouldn't be here!
575
00:26:56,449 --> 00:26:59,077
There are so many signs
that say we shouldn't be here."
576
00:26:59,160 --> 00:26:59,994
[laughter]
577
00:27:00,078 --> 00:27:01,037
And we just leave.
578
00:27:01,120 --> 00:27:04,832
'Cause the cobra was next. You're like,
"I don't know if the cobra's in a cage.
579
00:27:04,916 --> 00:27:07,251
He might have been
watching this with us."
580
00:27:07,335 --> 00:27:09,420
[laughter]
581
00:27:10,254 --> 00:27:13,591
This is a real story,
and here's my proof.
582
00:27:13,674 --> 00:27:15,301
I have proof to this story.
583
00:27:15,385 --> 00:27:17,929
There's a Trip Advisor review
from that day.
584
00:27:18,012 --> 00:27:19,263
[laughter]
585
00:27:19,347 --> 00:27:22,183
It's not my review,
I'm not a review guy.
586
00:27:22,266 --> 00:27:24,602
But someone reviewed it.
And you can look at it.
587
00:27:24,685 --> 00:27:28,314
Go to Trip Advisor, type in
"Wilmington, North Carolina,
588
00:27:28,398 --> 00:27:29,857
Cape Fear Serpentarium."
589
00:27:29,941 --> 00:27:33,069
When you get there, go to the reviews.
They have four stars to one star.
590
00:27:33,152 --> 00:27:35,113
If you want to see
what I'm talking about,
591
00:27:35,196 --> 00:27:36,364
start at the one-stars.
592
00:27:36,447 --> 00:27:38,574
[laughter]
593
00:27:38,658 --> 00:27:41,160
They're all pretty fun to read though.
594
00:27:41,244 --> 00:27:43,996
Four-stars love it,
they think the place is great.
595
00:27:44,080 --> 00:27:47,708
Three and two-stars, are usually hung up
on the propaganda in the lobby.
596
00:27:47,792 --> 00:27:49,210
They can't get past that.
597
00:27:49,293 --> 00:27:50,128
[laughter]
598
00:27:50,211 --> 00:27:53,840
And then just go to the one star that
says, "Crocodile got out of the cage."
599
00:27:53,923 --> 00:27:54,757
[laughter]
600
00:27:54,841 --> 00:27:57,427
It's the best one-star review
I've ever heard in my life.
601
00:27:57,510 --> 00:28:00,513
Like just the most...
"Oh did that poster hurt your feelings?
602
00:28:00,596 --> 00:28:02,723
Did a crocodile get out
when you were there?
603
00:28:02,807 --> 00:28:03,975
'Cause he got out with us
604
00:28:04,058 --> 00:28:07,395
and we didn't think he should have
been out with us, so one star."
605
00:28:07,478 --> 00:28:08,771
Thank you guys, so much.
606
00:28:08,855 --> 00:28:11,941
[cheering, applause]
607
00:28:12,024 --> 00:28:14,902
You guys are the best, it means a lot.
Thank you guys so much.
608
00:28:14,986 --> 00:28:17,071
[The Lumineers "Cleopatra" playing]
609
00:28:18,948 --> 00:28:21,159
[announcer] Nate Bargatze, everybody!
610
00:28:23,453 --> 00:28:25,329
♪ But I was late for this ♪
611
00:28:25,413 --> 00:28:26,914
♪ Late for that ♪
612
00:28:26,998 --> 00:28:29,584
♪ Late for the love of my life... ♪
613
00:28:29,667 --> 00:28:32,753
[cheering and applause continue]