[The Lumineers "Cleopatra" playing]
♪ And I left the footprints ♪
♪ The mud stained on the carpet ♪
[car horn]
♪ And it hardened like my heart did when you left town ♪
♪ But I must... ♪
-How was it? -Fun.
Have a good time.
♪ Damn your wife, I'd be your mistress just to have you around ♪
♪ While the church discouraged any lust that burned within me... ♪
[cheering getting louder]
♪ So I drive a taxi and the traffic.... ♪
[applause]
[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
please give a warm welcome to Nate Bargatze!
[cheering, applause]
[The Lumineers "Cleopatra" still playing in background]
[applause and cheering continue]
We're doing it.
I mean it's un... It's unbelievable.
[chuckles with the crowd]
It's very exciting to be here. Not all shows are like this.
I did a show in a prison once.
[laughter]
All the way in it. We went in there.
There were a few more people than this.
We go in... Let's say you guys are like the inmates,
so I'm like sitting here, doing my dumb jokes, none of them work.
Every joke I have involves being outside in the past 30 years...
[laughter]
Nothing's relatable.
I'm like, "Traffic's crazy, do you guys remember... Who remembers traffic?"
[laughter]
An inmate gets up and starts walking towards me,
I'm like, "Oh boy, here we go. I've seen movies.
He's going to use me to break out."
So...
[laughter]
I don't want to point at him.
But I'm trying to draw... I'm like, "The weather's been pretty crazy.
Should he be walking up like that? Uh..."
[laughter]
Turns out he's just going to the bathroom, right behind me.
He's a good guy. I judged him on what he was wearing and where we were at.
It was my fault.
The bathrooms are not... They're like, open.
So I'm against this brick wall and it was like half way up,
so it's me, a brick wall, and then the urinals.
And he just comes out and then comes and pees,
and picks the one right behind me.
And so it's just me and him, just standing there.
He's peeing, I'm like trying to talk.
And he just pees, without even kind of a problem.
It was the most confidence I've ever seen in my entire life, I mean, I...
I thought, "Whatever you think this guy did, this guy did it."
[laughter]
"An innocent man doesn't pee like that. That's a... He's not getting out!"
[laughter]
I took social media off my phone.
I have Instagram still on there. I feel like it's still OK.
It's like, you know... It's safe.
Twitter's like...
I feel like it's just like celebrities telling you you're the worst.
That's all it is. All day.
When it's the presidential election, everybody's furious
and then there was a big pipeline thing, remember that?
"We've got to stop this pipeline." I'm like, "Yeah, we do."
I don't even know... I don't even know where this is at.
[laughter]
I couldn't find it.
Right now, I don't know what was in the pipe,
I don't know if the pipe was above ground,
but it was like, "We've got to stop... People have stuff there,
you can't be throwing pipes..."
[laughter]
"You can't just throw pipes everywhere you want to throw pipes, you know?"
Just...
[laughter]
I follow Leonardo DiCaprio, you know,
I'm a big fan, just want to see what that guy's life is like.
He tweets nothing fun out. I've learned that.
[laughter]
He tweeted out, "100 million sharks get killed a year by people."
Just threw that out. No solution.
[laughter, applause]
I'm just at home in Tennessee, nowhere near an ocean.
[laughter]
It's so many sharks.
I don't even... If you told me to guess how many sharks were alive,
I would never have guessed 100 million.
[laughter]
Uh... A million, I don't know. Who knows how many sharks there are?
I tweeted back, "All right dude, I won't kill any sharks."
I don't know. Is that what you wanted out of this?
[laughter]
I won't do it. I've never even been near a situation where I've thought,
"I might have to kill this shark."
[laughter]
Never even met a guy that's petted a shark,
but I'm not... I'm not getting involved now.
[laughter]
Facebook is more... That's your friends telling you you're the worst.
It's more local.
No one has a good day on Facebook.
It's everybody's worst days of their lives.
[laughter]
And the first thing you look at... You wake up, cut it on,
and then just be like, "Do you want to see a murder video?"
You're like, "I don't at all. I just woke up.
I'm just trying to see whose birthday it is."
And...
[laughter]
They're like, "Well we already started playing it, so..."
And you're like, "All right, I guess I'll watch that."
My wife gets mad because I don't like any of her photos.
She's like, "Why don't you like any of my photos?"
And it's like, "Is this not enough, us living together and stuff?"
[laughter]
"I don't..." And I did like it!
"When we took it, I said, 'I like it.' I told you I liked it."
[laughter, applause]
"I looked at it, I'm in it. I'm in the photo.
There's not much more I can do with this photo."
[laughter]
We've been together my entire life.
We started dating when I was like, 21. I'm 37 now.
Like, I went from like, my mom to her.
So I don't even know what it feels like to not have some lady be like,
"I don't know if I would do that," you know.
[laughter]
[chuckles]
And now we have a daughter, so I'll never know.
I'll never know.
We get in fights, you know, still.
And when you're married for a long time, fighting is... It can happen...
It's open 24 hours, basically.
At any time.
We got in a fight recently, at 3 a.m.
We woke up to get in this fight.
[laughter]
We have a dog, and our dog like, freaks out when it thunders.
And so we have sedatives to give her,
because there's only so many times you can tell a dog it's just thunder,
before you're like, "She's not getting it."
You're like, "Just take this."
So I woke up, I had to wake my wife up, and I was like, "Where are the sedatives?"
She was like, "In the cabinet."
So I go get them, I looked at the bottle and the bottle said they were expired.
I had to wake her back up and I was like, "These say they're expired."
She was annoyed and like,
"They're not expired, they're new pills in an old pill bottle."
I was like, "I should have thought of that. That's my fault."
[laughter]
"People come to our house, they get milk and they ask 'Is this milk expired?'
and I have to go, 'That's new milk in an old milk jug.
Are you the stupidest person I've ever met?
Why would you not assume that's what it is?'"
[laughter]
That's roughly what I told her. It wasn't as fun as that.
And then she goes all in
and tells me it doesn't matter because dog medicine can't even expire.
I was like, "You've never even heard a rumor about that. You don't know that."
We don't know any dog medicine people. I know who she knows.
We don't know one dog medicine maker that's texting her,
"We're doing some big things at the dog medicine factory.
I wanted to let you know first,
but we've invented medicine that can't expire.
Feel free to tell your husband at 3 a.m."
[laughter]
We do have a daughter as well.
We took her to Disneyland when she was two.
People told us that was a mistake.
We didn't ask anybody, but they were happy to tell us.
There were like, "You're wasting money, she won't remember it."
I was like, "She believes in Minnie Mouse.
Minnie Mouse is like real to her. It's like fun to see her get excited.
Should I just lock her in a closet
and be like, 'Do you remember yesterday? No?'"
[laughter]
"Until you start remembering things,
I'm not going to waste any of my money on you, all right?"
[laughter]
We're trying to discipline her too,
and it's hard to discipline kids nowadays.
You can't do it, you can't spank them,
you can't talk about it in a microphone for sure so...
[laughter]
So what do you do? You've got to hope it works out.
Spanking got blown out of proportion.
You would see a video of a lady fighting her kid in a Wal-Mart parking lot.
They're like, "You're not supposed to spank."
You're like, "That was a regular fight."
[laughter]
"That's not what we're talking about."
I was spanked, my generation was. It was fine.
If you talk to really old generations, they act like they were beat with bats.
[laughter]
They say stuff, you're like, "That doesn't sound
like that should have been happening.
You should have called the police or something."
They're like, "The police would hit us as well, everybody was hitting us!"
[laughter]
It's fun to be back home. I've got my 20-year high school reunion this year,
and I'm pretty excited, I'm pretty invested.
I didn't go to college, so this is like the last group of people I met,
so I--
[laughter]
I mean, I cannot wait. I love it.
I went to the ten-year. Loved it.
Suggested a 15. No one wanted it.
[laughter]
Finally, the 20 this year.
My buddy told me, "I'm going to lose weight for our 20-year reunion."
And that always feels... You know, "Why don't you lose it
for the people that were in your life every day for the past 20 years?"
[laughter]
"You've made your wife stare at your moose body for 15 years."
[laughter]
"Why don't you tone it up for her?"
He's like, "No, I'll just save it for the people I hate."
I'm going as is. Just, you know... This is what happened.
[whistling, applause]
I don't know what to tell you. Yeah. I...
[applause continues]
I didn't work out then, I didn't start when I left,
so I'm just seeing how it's going to go.
[laughter]
I do zero working out.
Not even... I mean, it's not like you're like, "Whoa, wow."
Like, it's like "Yeah, we figured that."
[laughter]
Every hotel I go to, I ask if they have a gym.
I don't even have clothes that I could work out in.
There's no way... I'm like, "Is it 24 hours?
I was going to start tonight at midnight. I was wondering if that's..."
What I've learned, what's easier than working out
is just tell people that you used to weigh 300 pounds.
That's a lot. They don't know, you know? So...
I've never weighed 300 pounds,
but I look pretty amazing for a guy that used to weigh 300 pounds.
You're like, "Yeah, I got tired of being tired, all right?
Today's my cheat day obviously, but normally I'm pretty strict."
[laughter, cheering]
I just don't eat anything healthy.
I eat, like...
I like apples, but I only like pre-cut apples.
[laughter]
I won't eat a whole one. You know, I'm not a horse, all right?
[laughter]
Could you guys do some work over there at the apple factory?
However apples get here.
I've watched a lot of documentaries that try to make you eat better.
I watched Fed Up and it's just about all the food that I eat every day.
There was nothing in it that I haven't had recently.
[laughter]
You know that saying, "I haven't had that in forever"?
I haven't said that in forever. There's nothing I haven't had.
Airheads, that's like, "Are they still doing good?"
"Yah, they're doing great."
[laughter]
"They've got more colors now, it's pretty fun."
I go to too much chain stuff. That's...
I can't think outside of like, going to like a chain place.
And they mess up all the time and I still just go back.
I go to McDonald's, and I don't have the nerve to be in the Drive Thru
and be like, "Hey guys, I said no onions, this has onions."
They just look at me like, "You're too old to be here, man.
Don't come here. This is not a real restaurant, all right?
I'm 11 years-old. That guy's 90.
Go to like a reg... You live near here. Go to a regular place."
[laughter]
I had a whole issue at a Starbucks.
I went into Starbucks, ordered an ice coffee with milk,
nothing crazy, you know.
And the guy looked at me weird.
You know when you get something in your head?
You're like, "I'm pretty sure he doesn't know what I said."
But you're like too far in and you're both touching the credit card, so...
[laughter]
You've just got to go, "All right, let's see what he thinks he heard."
[laughter]
And I go to the end of the counter and he gives me milk with ice in it.
[laughter]
I had to ask him. I go, "What is that?"
He goes, "Milk with ice in it."
[laughter]
I was like, "What did you think... Do I look like a psycho to you, dude?
I don't... I've never ordered milk publicly in the history of my life.
I've never once in my life been out and thought,
'You know what I could go for right now? A cup of milk. I'd love to do that.
I'd love a cup of milk.
I'd like to drink it out of a straw,' something else I've never done.
Let's do that, and then, let's put ice in it.
Let's do something I didn't even know you could do.
Let's do all that in front of all these people I don't know."
And it was a Starbucks in a Target. It wasn't even its own Starbucks.
It was a Starbucks that's like, "We don't really do everything,"
I was like, "Do you do milk with ice in it by any chance?"
[laughter]
"Is that something?"
[applause]
I just go to all of them,
and I still go and everybody messes up.
I want them to do so much better.
I went to Wal-Mart. I go there. I'm fine with them, you know.
I'm a Wal-Mart guy. I'm like, "That's where I'm at."
I went into one, and Wal-Mart's getting a little like...
Sometimes when you go in there, some of the people that work there,
you'll be talking to them and I'm like "I don't know if you work here,
or if you're a customer, like, it's 50/50."
[laughter]
But they're willing to help, which is nice.
I went into one, I was trying to buy a hammock.
So I go in, I go to where I imagine hammocks live,
and I went up to this guy
and I was like, "Hey man, do you guys sell hammocks?"
And he was like, "What's a hammock?"
[laughter]
And it threw me off enough that I was like, "Am I saying it wrong?"
[laughter]
I was like, "I think I'm saying it wrong, because you know what it is."
[laughter]
And I was like, "Is it 'hammot' with a T, does that sound right?
Do you guys sell 'hammots'?"
And he was like, "We're out of 'hammots', we're out of them."
[laughter]
"It's hammot season."
And I left, went to my car, googled where to buy a 'hammot'...
...and Google was like, "Do you mean 'hammock'?"
[laughter]
I sure do, Google. Where were you at during all of this?
The other embarrassing part of that is so it happened,
and then I called a comic buddy of mine to tell him the story.
I was like, "This is funny, right?"
But then I asked him,
"Hey, do you think if I tell people I was buying a hammock,
is that going to come off like I'm bragging?"
For some reason, in my head that's just like a wealthy purchase.
Like, that's... A hammock in Wal-Mart.
An audience would be like, "Whoa, I didn't know we were..."
[laughter]
"...just hearing about how good you're doing.
Man, what's it like to have two trees that close together?"
[laughter]
"Is it nice? I heard... It looks nice. I've seen pictures."
I've had my one fancy purchase.
I had LASIK surgery.
And we were living in New York, so I had it, it was in Manhattan.
Got a deal on it, so that helps knock it down.
It worked. You know, I can't see this side of the room,
but besides that, this side I see almost too good.
[laughter]
No, it was fine.
And they did a couple of things that were weird.
Besides the deal I got.
They want to show you the video.
Before you have it, they're like, "Here, watch eye surgery."
You're like, "Just do it. I don't want to watch."
I trust... We're in a building, this seems like a real thing,
so just...
If I was doing it out of some guy's van, I might ask that guy for a video,
but you, you know, be normal.
And the other thing, they didn't make me bring anybody.
I was like, "Should I bring someone to take me home?"
"No, most people can see..."
I was like, "You said 'most'. You sure?
It's not a big deal, I'll tell someone where I'm at."
They're like, "No, don't. Did you tell anybody where you're at?"
[laughter]
So I go in, they give you a Valium.
You go back and you do it, and when you get done,
they give you those big sunglasses, and then I'm on a Valium.
They're like, "You good?"
You're like, "Yeah, this is like the funnest surgery I've ever...
This has been a fun day to be honest."
[laughter]
They're like, "Can you see?" And I was like, "Yeah, I'm fine."
So I go down, I'm in Manhattan,
we get out and I start walking to go to the subway a few blocks away.
Then my eyes start hurting so bad and I just want to keep them shut.
You don't want to open them.
And so I'm like, "I can't get home."
So I get my phone and I'm like blinking and I get to my wife and I call her,
and I was like, "You've got to come get me. I can't see."
I was like, "You should have come too, by the way."
[laughter]
"Why are you not here?"
[laughter]
So I was like, "You've got to come find me,
I don't know where I'm at, I've made turns."
I was like, "Just go back to that place
and then just expand your search around buildings until you find me."
And I just stood... I put my hand on a building and I just stood...
Because I was afraid I would drift out into the street
and just be, like just shuffling
and the next thing I know I'm in the middle of the road, just big sunglasses,
which is not... wouldn't be that different for New York, but...
And so I'm just stood with my hand like this, for like 30 minutes.
I mean, we're up to the point where, if anybody confidently just walked up,
they could have taken me home.
[laughter]
Next person that goes, "Let's go,"
I was living with them for the rest of my life.
It's fun doing comedy because you get to travel so much.
I fly a bunch and it never gets easy when you fly.
You just think, like, every plane you're on is going to go down.
It's not... I know, dark, you know. You just... It's never relaxing.
I had like...
I've got on a plane once, and...
Do you ever get on, look at everybody on it
and it just looks like a group that would go down in a plane crash?
[laughter, applause]
You're like, "I feel like I've seen all of us before."
[laughter]
I had a pilot tell us right before we took off
that he was retiring and this was his last flight.
[audience] Oh!
You're like, "Why don't you just say that when we land, dude?"
[laughter]
"It's not like we're going to be different people.
We're the same people."
He's basically just like, "Either way, this is my last flight."
All I can tell you is I'm not flying again.
[laughter]
I'm trying to get better.
When you travel now, you go to different cities
to actually go explore the town and see stuff.
I went to Wilmington, North Carolina, and...
[cheering]
Yeah a couple of us? All right.
They have a big battleship there,
and it's in like a river, because you can see across.
It doesn't look big, but it's probably part of the ocean.
[laughter]
It's like one of those where you're like, "Could I drink that water, or not?"
But you can't ask someone how water works, so...
[laughter]
I didn't even go on it but it's there.
I just wanted you to not think I didn't see it, if you go.
[laughter]
But I looked up some other stuff to do.
They have a thing called Cape Fear Serpentarium,
and it's just a guy's house
and he has a bunch of snakes, lizards and a crocodile,
just in his house.
He has the world record for being bitten by a viper snake. It's seven times.
Which is a record no one is trying to get.
[laughter]
It's so many times.
He was bitten three times, and then four more times after that.
That's how many times he was bitten.
Three's a ton, and four more after is just too many.
But I was like, "I've got to go see this, this will be amazing."
So I go, I walk over, I walk in. When you walk in, he's got a lobby set up.
And in the lobby, he has two parrots
and then a bunch of anti-government posters.
[audience:] Oh!
That's like real. He just has those things.
[laughter]
It's like two parrots and like a lot of stuff on chemtrails.
He's basically like, "This is what I would love to talk to you about."
[laughter]
You're like, "I just want to see snakes."
He's like, "But maybe later, can I corner you and talk to you about it?"
You're like, "I don't know, let's see how the snakes go."
[laughter]
So I went and I paid. It was nine bucks.
Obviously cash only in a place like that.
And so I give him my nine bucks.
The first snake I see is a Gaboon viper, it's a crazy venomous snake,
and there's a story written about how venomous it is.
And the story was these two kids broke into the Washington National Zoo.
In the early '80s, there's still a Gaboon viper, for whatever reason...
So they get it, they put it in a trash bag.
They're walking out, the trash bag over their shoulder,
as if they forgot what they just did.
[laughter]
The snake bites through the trash bag because it's a 1980s trash...
It's not like a Glad one now, you know.
This was like when trash bags were not doing good.
So it bit the kid, the kid went into a coma for four days
then it was like, "That's all we know. We don't know what happened."
And you're like, "That's the whole reason I'm even reading this. To see what...
Did he die? Is he stronger? Are you him?"
Like, "What's the rest of the story?"
[laughter, applause]
So if you ever go, and you should go,
if you ever go, 3 p.m. Saturday and Sunday he feeds these things.
So I looked at my watch, it was like 3 p.m.,
I was like, "We'll go watch these things eat."
So the first snake they go to feed is a black mamba.
It's another crazy venomous snake
that should not be in America outside of a zoo,
especially not at a guy's house that hates America.
[laughter]
So we're like, "Right, we're going to go see this."
So we get down there and he puts a chicken wire fence around him,
so if the snake gets out, it should scale that fence pretty quick.
[laughter]
The fence has holes in it
that I would describe as a little bit bigger than a black mamba.
[laughter]
And... I mean, we're leaning on it, we're getting kids up against it,
we're like, "No, you get up here," the kids' faces are against it.
So we all stand around, and he has a bucket of dead mice.
He grabs a mouse, he throws it in there, he eats it, we all cheer
and then we move on.
Next one we come to is a 12-foot anaconda.
This snake is huge.
He props open the glass cage with a two by four, that's how big it is.
Props it open, no chicken wire, it's not venomous.
Worst case scenario: we will all wrestle this snake.
[laughter]
So we're all standing there, he gets his bucket back out.
But this time it's got dead rabbits in it
and they're the biggest rabbits I've ever seen in my...
I would have paid nine dollars to see what that rabbit's life was like.
Just to see that rabbit drive up that day.
[laughter]
He gets these giant, two-handed tongs. They look like they're for this.
So he grabs a rabbit, he kind of steps back,
he's going to make the snake come out and get it, like he's hunting.
So it's the rabbit, it's him, children and then us.
[laughter]
I mean, he's the only employee there.
So we stand there, luckily the snake comes out and he gets the rabbit.
He like constricts it, it falls to the ground,
he lifts it, he puts it back in, and he goes "Well, Easter bunny's dead."
Makes that joke for the kids.
[audience] Aww!
[laughter]
And we waited for him to say he was joking. He did not.
[laughter]
Yeah, he stared at the kids harder, almost to assure it.
That's what it is.
Then he goes, "All right, you have permission to touch the snake."
No one's asking. We're walking away.
No one's like, "I bet this is where you can pet them."
They're leaving and he makes the kids pet him
and most don't want to touch the snake.
Most are petting the rabbit he was eating.
[laughter]
It was like the '30s. There's no rules in this place.
It's like riding a ski lift.
Ever been on a ski lift and half-way up you're like, "Hey my bar didn't lock,
should it have locked?"
I don't do this, ever.
[laughter]
So the last one was the crocodile. 10-foot crocodile.
This crocodile has been staring out of his cage at everybody
like he's trying to remember you for supporting this guy.
[laughter]
He was like, "I'll find you one day."
I mean, if he was in here right now with a hat on, I wouldn't be surprised.
That's how nervous I am when I go out.
[laughter]
So we all stand around, the crocodile's there,
he unlocks the door, door's unlocked, he gets his rabbit bucket
and he grabs a rabbit,
and he's going to throw it in there and we'll watch.
He grabs the rabbit, the crocodile sees the rabbit
and comes forward, hitting the door, which is unlocked,
and, we learn, also broken.
[laughter]
He hits the door, the crocodile just takes him out into the carpet,
like, with us.
The kids... There's a 10-foot crocodile just on the floor.
So everybody just starts losing it.
It's like a Godzilla movie.
People are just running, everybody's crying,
people are crying real hard, like just bawling.
Everybody's dead behind. You just assume it. You don't even look.
Some lady was like, "My husband..." I was like, "Your husband's gone, lady!
We shouldn't be here!
There are so many signs that say we shouldn't be here."
[laughter]
And we just leave.
'Cause the cobra was next. You're like, "I don't know if the cobra's in a cage.
He might have been watching this with us."
[laughter]
This is a real story, and here's my proof.
I have proof to this story.
There's a Trip Advisor review from that day.
[laughter]
It's not my review, I'm not a review guy.
But someone reviewed it. And you can look at it.
Go to Trip Advisor, type in "Wilmington, North Carolina,
Cape Fear Serpentarium."
When you get there, go to the reviews. They have four stars to one star.
If you want to see what I'm talking about,
start at the one-stars.
[laughter]
They're all pretty fun to read though.
Four-stars love it, they think the place is great.
Three and two-stars, are usually hung up on the propaganda in the lobby.
They can't get past that.
[laughter]
And then just go to the one star that says, "Crocodile got out of the cage."
[laughter]
It's the best one-star review I've ever heard in my life.
Like just the most... "Oh did that poster hurt your feelings?
Did a crocodile get out when you were there?
'Cause he got out with us
and we didn't think he should have been out with us, so one star."
Thank you guys, so much.
[cheering, applause]
You guys are the best, it means a lot. Thank you guys so much.
[The Lumineers "Cleopatra" playing]
[announcer] Nate Bargatze, everybody!
♪ But I was late for this ♪
♪ Late for that ♪
♪ Late for the love of my life... ♪
[cheering and applause continue]