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‪NETFLIX 喜劇特輯

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{\an8}‪請歡迎梅麗莎維亞塞佑

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‪天啊

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‪很好，這…

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‪這真是太貼心了

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‪謝謝你們

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‪聽了感覺真好，謝謝

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‪很高興看到各位可愛的觀眾

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‪我是梅麗莎

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‪我每天會為了加強自尊而自我肯定

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‪也就是正面的自言自語

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‪例如我會說

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‪“我很好笑，我很會寫劇本”

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‪但我發現我的聲音聽起來很諷刺

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‪我並不相信自己

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‪“我很聰明”

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‪不過幸好我會模仿

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‪我會模仿桃莉巴頓

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‪她的聲音非常鼓舞人心

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‪所以我現在都模仿桃莉聲音自我肯定

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‪效果倍增

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‪“我很聰明

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‪我…

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‪我很擅長我的工作

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‪我隨時都能想出新奇創意

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‪我寫了《喬琳》

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‪喬琳…

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‪我求妳別搶走我的男人

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‪看吧”

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‪《喬琳》不是我寫的

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‪不過效果很好

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‪“我好漂亮

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‪我很可愛，我有能力

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‪我會永遠愛我

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‪我很努力，我很專心

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‪我很容易就能達成目標

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‪我工作朝九晚五，真不錯謀生辦法

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‪其實是三更半夜

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‪因為那是我付出的所有時間

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‪因為獨角喜劇都在晚上演出，懂？”

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‪我一直都在努力讓自己進步

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‪我現在有個很不滿意自己的地方

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‪就是每當必須堅定或提出要求時
‪我講話卻會變含糊

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‪例如我在餐廳，想跟服務生要東西時

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‪我不想麻煩他們，所以說話都會倒裝

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‪我會說：“米布丁你們有嗎？

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‪阿諾帕瑪這裡有嗎？

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‪帳單，我們要付錢了”

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‪我緊張時會變尤達大師，講話都倒裝

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‪像是：“米布丁你們有嗎？”

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‪等等，我很久沒模仿尤達
‪讓我先練習一下

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‪“阿諾帕瑪，你們有…你們會…”

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‪該死

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‪“帳單，你們有…我們要付錢了”

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‪算了，我不想大出來

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‪學他要很用力擠

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‪我會很多模仿，有一些對我很有幫助

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‪像是…

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‪我會模仿《模擬市民》，記得嗎？

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‪你們有可能到現在還會玩

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‪但模仿《模擬市民》
‪是我的一種防衛機制

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‪我一個人走路，覺得被跟蹤時

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‪就會裝成模擬市民，這招能嚇跑他們

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‪我會這樣

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‪不知道《模擬市民》是什麼的人
‪等會查一下，你會笑得很爽

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‪我得承認我不是非常聰明

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‪我在想…

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‪我有時候會想出
‪連自己都滿腦疑惑的想法

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‪我最近跟朋友說

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‪“聽我說

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‪我的奶子很小

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‪可能是因為我這輩子都趴著睡

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‪它們無法成長

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‪我把它們壓扁了”

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‪我朋友說：“胸部發育跟這無關”

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‪我說：“好啦，別說出去”

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‪我很幼稚

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‪我真是個小鬼頭

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‪我爸媽…

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‪我媽是會計

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‪她負責我所有的稅務、合約

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‪我什麼文書都沒看過

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‪我很感激父母

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‪他們幫我處理很多文書工作

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‪所以我決定等他們離世時
‪我也要一起走

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‪我不想處理文書工作

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‪開玩笑的啦，我會繼續活著

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‪我跟家人關係很好，我來自洛杉磯

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‪有時候我沒上《週六夜現場》時

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‪會回去借睡在爸媽家

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‪他們很喜歡

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‪我不喜歡

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‪從來沒喜歡過

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‪我最不喜歡在爸媽家過夜的情形

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‪是我獨角喜劇演出結束後很晚回家

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‪或是和朋友混到凌晨1點

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‪我媽每次都會跳下床

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‪只為了跟我聊聊、相處一下

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‪因為她愛我，我懂

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‪但我還是希望能隔天早上再聊

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‪我討厭在凌晨1點跟我媽講話

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‪她脾氣暴躁、誠實、半夢半醒

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‪眼睛一睜一閉

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‪讓我全身起雞皮疙瘩

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‪我會一邊刷著牙，一邊期待上床睡覺

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‪然後就看到她從我背後摸過來

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‪看起來像迪士尼的巫婆

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‪“妳到家了？

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‪好冷

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‪梅麗莎，妳不冷嗎？

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‪我好冷

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‪看著妳就覺得冷

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‪妳怎麼不穿襪子或拖鞋？

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‪所以妳才會每次都生病

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‪來，我的拖鞋給妳穿”

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‪“不要，我喜歡赤腳”

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‪“別擔心，我口袋裡還有一雙

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‪別用那種態度，好嗎？

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‪總之…”

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‪她的手臂會抬高

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‪“妳這什麼打扮？

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‪我不喜歡妳的穿著，妳可以更漂亮

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‪妳在上電視耶”

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‪我說：“媽，這是我的風格”

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‪“好啦

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‪真難懂

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‪妳隨時都能來問我

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‪我的巴寶莉和麥可寇斯都可以借妳”

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‪“我討厭麥可寇斯，媽”

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‪“大家都喜歡麥可寇斯

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‪人們尊敬他

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‪總之…

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‪妳的鬍鬚長出來了

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‪要處理乾淨，妳在上電視耶

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‪有看到我買的新椅子嗎？

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‪是連鎖品牌

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‪別碰，妳的手很臭

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‪總之…

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‪明天要跟我去好市多嗎？”

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‪“不要，我討厭好市多”

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‪“別這樣，我請妳吃披薩”

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‪“好喔”

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‪謝謝

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‪我喜歡跟我媽一起吃午餐

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‪那是我們倆的愛好，吃午餐

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‪但我們每次去吃飯，我都會要她開車

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‪我不想開車，因為她喜歡在旁指揮

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‪她會批評我開車

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‪她知道我聽了會不爽

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‪所以都用耳語的聲音批評

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‪這樣更糟，因為我還是能聽到

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‪而且她說的話聽起來都很下流

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‪我聽到她小小聲說：“慢一點

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‪太快了”

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‪她坐在副駕駛座，抓著扶手

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‪她在踩…

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‪那裡可能有我不知道的煞車踏板

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‪因為她不停地踩

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‪“慢一點”

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‪“車還停著耶”

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‪“慢一點

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‪停下來

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‪慢慢來

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‪慢慢來

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‪好冷

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‪我們又不趕時間

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‪我的背好痛

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‪那裡有位子，就是那裡…

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‪妳沒停到

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‪現在我們得從後面來了”

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‪“太下流了”

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‪以上都是真實發生的

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‪我爸也很有趣

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‪他跟我媽相反

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‪我媽很殘忍、誠實
‪這會傷人，但又很好笑

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‪我爸正好相反
‪他很敏感，他喜歡討人歡心

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‪他很歡樂，他想讓大家笑口常開

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‪他喜歡音樂劇

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‪我媽討厭音樂劇

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‪有次我給我爸載的時候

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‪廣播電台播起《火爆浪子》的歌

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‪但現在無處…

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‪我爸會很興奮

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‪我媽則是這個表情

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‪“我討厭《火爆浪子》

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‪我討厭那個男主角”

187
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‪有次在我很想睡的晚上
‪我媽跑來跟我說

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‪“我剛夢到妳爸出櫃了”

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‪這就像…

190
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‪她會這麼想，大概是因為她每年生日

191
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‪他都會播他最愛的電影《萬花嬉春》

192
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‪一邊播一邊跳舞

193
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‪我在雨中歌唱

194
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‪她大概會看一眼，心想：“我就知道”

195
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‪可憐的爸

196
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‪他們的互動就像電影裡的損友

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‪記得嗎？

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‪他們會像電影裡那樣鬥嘴

199
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‪我爸媽在房裡，我聽到我媽說

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‪“麥克

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‪不是每個人都需要喜歡你，好嗎？

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‪你不需要大家都喜歡你

203
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‪人們不喜歡我，我也沒怎樣

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‪我也沒有因此哭哭啼啼

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‪我不在乎”

206
00:11:04,039 --> 00:11:05,624
‪我爸說：“別這樣，露佩

207
00:11:05,708 --> 00:11:08,377
‪我是想逗孩子們笑
‪他們這週過得很辛苦”

208
00:11:09,378 --> 00:11:10,671
‪“他們不喜歡你，麥克

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‪沒人喜歡你”

210
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‪我走進去說：“爸媽，你們好嗎？”

211
00:11:15,467 --> 00:11:16,343
‪“我沒事

212
00:11:17,720 --> 00:11:18,679
‪妳爸在哭

213
00:11:19,471 --> 00:11:20,681
‪沒人喜歡他”

214
00:11:25,102 --> 00:11:26,645
‪她很愛欺負人

215
00:11:26,729 --> 00:11:28,147
‪他也有點呆頭呆腦

216
00:11:28,230 --> 00:11:30,899
‪他跳舞都這樣跳

217
00:11:32,192 --> 00:11:34,278
‪我媽有時候會看著他說

218
00:11:34,361 --> 00:11:36,238
‪“要是我在學校認識你
‪一定會痛扁你”

219
00:11:37,030 --> 00:11:38,115
‪靠

220
00:11:40,325 --> 00:11:42,035
‪我家是墨西哥人

221
00:11:42,119 --> 00:11:43,412
‪這我得跟大家分享

222
00:11:44,288 --> 00:11:46,290
‪現場有墨西哥人嗎？

223
00:11:48,208 --> 00:11:49,501
‪沒什麼人相信我

224
00:11:49,585 --> 00:11:52,379
‪確實有很多人說
‪我看起來不像墨西哥人

225
00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:54,298
‪我就會感到抱歉萬分

226
00:11:54,381 --> 00:11:57,092
‪“抱歉，我忘記戴墨西哥帽了

227
00:11:57,718 --> 00:12:01,305
‪我打舌不夠到位嗎？抱歉”

228
00:12:01,388 --> 00:12:03,182
‪然後我必須跳著騷沙離場

229
00:12:04,057 --> 00:12:05,184
‪“抱歉”

230
00:12:07,352 --> 00:12:10,522
‪但我很美國化，我是第二代移民

231
00:12:10,606 --> 00:12:14,568
‪我小時候沒學好西班牙語

232
00:12:15,194 --> 00:12:16,779
‪不過我現在正在學

233
00:12:17,696 --> 00:12:19,198
‪我現在會學是因為…

234
00:12:19,281 --> 00:12:21,825
‪有很多親戚只會說西班牙語

235
00:12:21,909 --> 00:12:24,077
‪像是我奶奶

236
00:12:24,578 --> 00:12:27,831
‪我不瞭解她，這樣不對

237
00:12:27,915 --> 00:12:30,793
‪我看到她只會點頭微笑，這樣不對

238
00:12:31,668 --> 00:12:33,378
‪“奶奶，妳好嗎？”

239
00:12:34,087 --> 00:12:36,340
‪她完全不在乎，能坐著盯著我看就好

240
00:12:36,423 --> 00:12:37,716
‪滿臉驕傲，像這樣

241
00:12:56,485 --> 00:12:58,570
‪“謝謝，妳也很波尼塔

242
00:13:00,197 --> 00:13:01,448
‪別忘了”

243
00:13:06,578 --> 00:13:08,622
‪然後她會跟其他人講西班牙語

244
00:13:25,097 --> 00:13:27,432
‪“我知道我是洛卡，妳也是嗎？”

245
00:13:27,516 --> 00:13:28,809
‪我不是

246
00:13:45,200 --> 00:13:47,160
‪“什麼？語氣改變了

247
00:13:47,244 --> 00:13:48,704
‪妳在說什麼？我不喜歡”

248
00:13:53,709 --> 00:13:55,085
‪“什麼鬼？”

249
00:14:01,008 --> 00:14:02,175
‪“好吧”

250
00:14:04,469 --> 00:14:06,096
‪那是我曾祖母的聲音

251
00:14:06,179 --> 00:14:09,933
‪我得告訴大家，別難過，她剛去世

252
00:14:10,017 --> 00:14:11,727
‪不過她活到105歲

253
00:14:11,810 --> 00:14:14,855
‪真是太屌了，她超厲害

254
00:14:17,524 --> 00:14:20,903
‪我對奶奶最美好的回憶是在…

255
00:14:22,195 --> 00:14:23,989
‪某一場平安夜派對

256
00:14:24,573 --> 00:14:26,617
‪她尿在我們的沙發上

257
00:14:27,117 --> 00:14:28,994
‪活到那個歲數，自然有尿下去個資格

258
00:14:29,077 --> 00:14:30,746
‪想在哪尿都行，那是個榮譽

259
00:14:31,246 --> 00:14:32,831
‪不過我記得那次平安夜

260
00:14:32,915 --> 00:14:34,416
‪每個人都走了，已經半夜

261
00:14:34,499 --> 00:14:36,835
‪我們在沙發坐墊看到一攤液體

262
00:14:36,919 --> 00:14:38,712
‪不知道那是酒還是尿

263
00:14:39,212 --> 00:14:40,797
‪我們在那個時間腦袋不太清楚

264
00:14:40,881 --> 00:14:43,383
‪我媽拿起坐墊，她說

265
00:14:44,009 --> 00:14:44,885
‪“聞一下”

266
00:14:46,428 --> 00:14:49,056
‪我最愛聞東西，所以就湊了過去

267
00:14:49,556 --> 00:14:51,224
‪我突然會說西班牙語

268
00:14:51,892 --> 00:14:52,726
‪我說

269
00:15:01,526 --> 00:15:05,113
‪我愛我的文化，但我小時候是屁孩
‪完全不懂得欣賞

270
00:15:05,697 --> 00:15:06,907
‪我是個小屁孩

271
00:15:06,990 --> 00:15:10,869
‪我們常吃墨西哥菜，我家吃很多豆子

272
00:15:10,953 --> 00:15:12,621
‪我會對我媽抱怨說

273
00:15:12,704 --> 00:15:14,206
‪“我不想再吃豆子了

274
00:15:14,289 --> 00:15:15,958
‪別再吃豆子了

275
00:15:16,041 --> 00:15:18,001
‪我要吃奶油寬板麵”

276
00:15:19,795 --> 00:15:21,213
‪我沒吃到奶油麵

277
00:15:21,296 --> 00:15:23,548
‪我唯一有的奶油，就是我的奶油叔叔

278
00:15:23,632 --> 00:15:25,092
‪他帶了更多豆子來我家

279
00:15:31,014 --> 00:15:34,977
‪我奶奶知道我有男友一定會很開心

280
00:15:35,060 --> 00:15:36,687
‪我有男朋友

281
00:15:41,149 --> 00:15:44,027
‪真的，不瞞你說，我非常感激

282
00:15:44,111 --> 00:15:46,279
‪我討厭約會，真的很討厭

283
00:15:46,363 --> 00:15:48,657
‪我會討厭是因為…為什麼每場約會…

284
00:15:50,075 --> 00:15:53,370
‪我討厭約會是因為我很搞笑

285
00:15:54,705 --> 00:15:55,706
‪大多數的…

286
00:15:56,456 --> 00:15:57,416
‪聽著，我…

287
00:16:01,211 --> 00:16:04,965
‪大多數的約會都是我一個人在搞笑

288
00:16:05,048 --> 00:16:06,591
‪談笑風生

289
00:16:06,675 --> 00:16:08,010
‪對面那傢伙卻完全不懂

290
00:16:08,093 --> 00:16:10,721
‪我只想趕快回家跟我自己聊個開心

291
00:16:11,513 --> 00:16:12,806
‪我好搞笑

292
00:16:15,100 --> 00:16:17,019
‪我也不喜歡調情

293
00:16:17,102 --> 00:16:19,521
‪調情不適合我

294
00:16:19,604 --> 00:16:21,690
‪用我這種聲音調情？

295
00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:26,820
‪我發現我調情時
‪聽起來像個自豪的爸爸

296
00:16:26,903 --> 00:16:28,363
‪我就是那種感覺

297
00:16:28,864 --> 00:16:30,323
‪我跟男人調情時是這樣

298
00:16:30,407 --> 00:16:32,451
‪“你今晚看起來不錯喔

299
00:16:32,534 --> 00:16:34,411
‪我喜歡你的外套

300
00:16:34,911 --> 00:16:36,371
‪你看起來很帥喔，孩子

301
00:16:37,873 --> 00:16:40,542
‪該死，請忘了我剛才叫你‘孩子’

302
00:16:41,710 --> 00:16:44,504
‪總之，記得把功課做完”

303
00:16:49,509 --> 00:16:52,721
‪我得炫耀一下，我男友是小提琴手

304
00:16:53,221 --> 00:16:55,015
‪而且他是高手，不是三流水準

305
00:16:55,098 --> 00:16:57,768
‪他真的很厲害

306
00:16:57,851 --> 00:17:00,729
‪畢竟我們能認識幾個小提琴手？

307
00:17:01,772 --> 00:17:02,898
‪不多

308
00:17:04,524 --> 00:17:06,568
‪我有時候會聽到他在拉小提琴

309
00:17:07,152 --> 00:17:08,612
‪在房間裡拉

310
00:17:12,282 --> 00:17:14,284
‪聽起來很可怕

311
00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:16,953
‪我會感到焦慮，覺得在搭鐵達尼號

312
00:17:17,037 --> 00:17:18,914
‪你知道沉船的時候小提琴手這樣拉

313
00:17:20,540 --> 00:17:22,459
‪所以我開始搶救貴重物品

314
00:17:22,542 --> 00:17:26,046
‪我說：“快拿燕麥片
‪抓好我的狗、去拿一塊木板”

315
00:17:26,546 --> 00:17:28,381
‪他說：“妳拿我的木門做什麼？”

316
00:17:28,465 --> 00:17:30,217
‪我說：“婦孺優先，賤人”

317
00:17:36,139 --> 00:17:37,140
‪他是個暖男

318
00:17:37,224 --> 00:17:40,894
‪他在我奶奶的葬禮上演奏小提琴

319
00:17:40,977 --> 00:17:42,229
‪非常暖心

320
00:17:43,772 --> 00:17:45,065
‪不過後來有點詭異

321
00:17:45,148 --> 00:17:48,944
‪做完彌撒後，好幾個姑姑過來跟他說

322
00:17:49,027 --> 00:17:50,654
‪“你一定要來我的葬禮上演奏”

323
00:17:51,404 --> 00:17:52,614
‪太黑暗了

324
00:17:52,697 --> 00:17:54,533
‪而且也很奇怪

325
00:17:54,616 --> 00:17:56,660
‪因為他拉的是《地獄公路》

326
00:18:02,541 --> 00:18:05,919
‪我在葬禮上聽到小寶寶在哭

327
00:18:06,002 --> 00:18:06,920
‪我聽到小小聲的…

328
00:18:08,672 --> 00:18:10,423
‪我知道，真的很嚇人

329
00:18:11,216 --> 00:18:12,175
‪我要再學一次

330
00:18:15,762 --> 00:18:17,472
‪我聽到寶寶的聲音

331
00:18:17,556 --> 00:18:19,307
‪寶寶每次到教堂必哭

332
00:18:19,391 --> 00:18:21,143
‪我心想

333
00:18:21,226 --> 00:18:25,147
‪我只有在教堂才會想要抱寶寶

334
00:18:25,230 --> 00:18:28,316
‪因為他們每次都會哭
‪這就形成了離開的正當理由

335
00:18:28,817 --> 00:18:31,903
‪抱著猛哭的寶寶
‪然後說：“我得走了，他要生氣了”

336
00:18:31,987 --> 00:18:33,238
‪到外面以後就會對寶寶說

337
00:18:33,321 --> 00:18:34,823
‪“太感謝你了，寶寶

338
00:18:34,906 --> 00:18:36,283
‪裡面超無聊”

339
00:18:42,998 --> 00:18:45,125
‪我男朋友是個爸爸

340
00:18:45,208 --> 00:18:46,668
‪他有兩個兒子

341
00:18:47,169 --> 00:18:49,754
‪我喜歡跟他們相處

342
00:18:49,838 --> 00:18:52,090
‪因為我發現我喜歡的東西都很幼稚

343
00:18:52,174 --> 00:18:53,550
‪所以我玩得很開心

344
00:18:54,384 --> 00:18:57,637
‪他有時候會跟孩子說話
‪但其實是在對我說

345
00:18:58,430 --> 00:19:01,266
‪他會看著孩子說
‪“誰想看《獅子王》？”

346
00:19:04,686 --> 00:19:06,771
‪“還有拉飛奇？太棒了”

347
00:19:07,939 --> 00:19:09,774
‪“誰想吃起司通心麵？”

348
00:19:13,695 --> 00:19:14,863
‪“誰尿褲子了？”

349
00:19:14,946 --> 00:19:15,906
‪“是我

350
00:19:17,616 --> 00:19:19,242
‪我是遺傳我奶奶的”

351
00:19:23,163 --> 00:19:25,081
‪我有時候會模仿給他的孩子聽

352
00:19:25,165 --> 00:19:29,127
‪大大增加了我的自尊
‪因為他們聽到什麼都會爆笑

353
00:19:29,211 --> 00:19:31,463
‪我有一次模仿米老鼠給他們聽

354
00:19:31,546 --> 00:19:33,715
‪“弟弟，你們非常特別

355
00:19:33,798 --> 00:19:34,925
‪布魯托！”

356
00:19:35,008 --> 00:19:35,926
‪他們就會笑成這樣

357
00:19:38,511 --> 00:19:41,848
‪我模仿過一次小小兵說：“香蕉”

358
00:19:43,516 --> 00:19:46,770
‪還有精靈寶可夢的小智，他會說

359
00:19:46,853 --> 00:19:49,064
‪“皮卡丘，跟這些弟弟說他們很特別”

360
00:19:57,197 --> 00:20:00,533
‪但如果他們聽了以後沒笑出來

361
00:20:00,617 --> 00:20:02,994
‪我就只能學《南方公園》的卡門了

362
00:20:03,078 --> 00:20:05,330
‪我會說：“你們不尊重我的權威

363
00:20:05,413 --> 00:20:08,333
‪吸我的蛋蛋啦，老子要回家了”

364
00:20:09,542 --> 00:20:10,585
‪他們活該

365
00:20:13,838 --> 00:20:15,632
‪有時候我跟他們在一起的時候

366
00:20:15,715 --> 00:20:19,844
‪我男友會教他們
‪我從未聽說過的趣味小知識

367
00:20:20,971 --> 00:20:23,598
‪我們在人行道上走著

368
00:20:23,682 --> 00:20:27,185
‪他指給孩子們看，然後說
‪“你們看，是蝸牛的行走痕跡

369
00:20:27,269 --> 00:20:30,146
‪蝸牛身後那條閃亮亮的痕跡”

370
00:20:30,230 --> 00:20:31,940
‪他們沒興趣，但我呢？

371
00:20:32,565 --> 00:20:35,235
‪“不會吧，那是蝸牛幹的？”

372
00:20:36,152 --> 00:20:38,613
‪我活到33歲了還不知道

373
00:20:39,364 --> 00:20:41,533
‪我好興奮，回家以後還…

374
00:20:43,034 --> 00:20:44,577
‪我上網搜尋“蝸牛痕跡”

375
00:20:44,661 --> 00:20:46,496
‪千萬不要搜尋“蝸牛痕跡”

376
00:20:47,455 --> 00:20:49,040
‪除非你喜歡下流的東西

377
00:20:49,124 --> 00:20:50,083
‪那就請便

378
00:20:51,793 --> 00:20:55,005
‪我很愛學習趣味小知識

379
00:20:55,088 --> 00:20:57,340
‪因為我喜歡跟朋友分享趣味小知識

380
00:20:57,424 --> 00:20:59,009
‪因為我想要他們覺得

381
00:20:59,092 --> 00:21:01,886
‪“梅麗莎有好多聰明哏”

382
00:21:03,596 --> 00:21:06,766
‪不過你知道我介意什麼嗎？
‪一旦有人質疑我的趣味小知識

383
00:21:06,850 --> 00:21:08,727
‪我的信心就會瞬間崩盤

384
00:21:09,394 --> 00:21:11,688
‪有一次我和男友去健行，我說

385
00:21:11,771 --> 00:21:15,025
‪“那是毒藤蔓，你知道怎麼辨認嗎？

386
00:21:15,108 --> 00:21:17,193
‪看到三片葉子，就不要去碰”

387
00:21:18,028 --> 00:21:19,654
‪他說：“真的嗎？”

388
00:21:20,822 --> 00:21:21,740
‪“我不確定

389
00:21:22,490 --> 00:21:24,617
‪“我不確定，我好像是在哪看過的

390
00:21:24,701 --> 00:21:27,662
‪我不確定，別拿去跟你朋友講

391
00:21:27,746 --> 00:21:29,080
‪天啊，我火大了

392
00:21:29,164 --> 00:21:31,291
‪你不會進去滾一滾試試看？”

393
00:21:39,382 --> 00:21:41,384
‪他很有幽默感，我真的很感激

394
00:21:41,468 --> 00:21:45,347
‪因為我以前的對象
‪有的人笑點跟我不一樣

395
00:21:45,430 --> 00:21:47,932
‪感覺差到不行

396
00:21:48,016 --> 00:21:49,559
‪會感到很孤單

397
00:21:50,060 --> 00:21:52,312
‪幾年前我有個交往對象

398
00:21:52,395 --> 00:21:53,730
‪我們去了墨西哥

399
00:21:53,813 --> 00:21:56,024
‪當時發生了某件事，我就想

400
00:21:56,107 --> 00:21:58,026
‪“沒救了，他沒跟我一起笑”

401
00:21:58,902 --> 00:22:00,695
‪我們當時在搭一艘小船

402
00:22:01,654 --> 00:22:03,615
‪他安排在日落時搭船

403
00:22:03,698 --> 00:22:05,408
‪就是墨西哥的那種彩色小船

404
00:22:05,492 --> 00:22:07,410
‪船上只有我和他兩個人

405
00:22:10,538 --> 00:22:11,706
‪我看著他的屁股

406
00:22:11,790 --> 00:22:13,958
‪我可以看，畢竟我們在交往

407
00:22:14,584 --> 00:22:17,379
‪他的褲子有點低，屁縫上緣露了出來

408
00:22:18,254 --> 00:22:20,590
‪看到屁縫的時候該怎麼辦？

409
00:22:21,091 --> 00:22:22,300
‪當然是輕輕戳一下

410
00:22:24,052 --> 00:22:27,472
‪我的腦袋立刻說：“當然要戳下去”

411
00:22:28,181 --> 00:22:30,517
‪手指別停留太久，快進快出

412
00:22:31,851 --> 00:22:34,437
‪所以我看到屁縫，準備出手

413
00:22:36,398 --> 00:22:37,273
‪我戳

414
00:22:39,109 --> 00:22:41,236
‪他說：“別這樣，我不喜歡”

415
00:22:43,863 --> 00:22:45,824
‪“真的嗎？”
‪他說：“我不喜歡”

416
00:22:47,575 --> 00:22:49,035
‪所以等我們靠岸後

417
00:22:49,953 --> 00:22:51,996
‪我心想：“慘了”

418
00:22:52,872 --> 00:22:54,249
‪有時候我們覺得好笑的事

419
00:22:54,332 --> 00:22:57,168
‪別人笑不出來時，會讓我們笑得更慘

420
00:22:57,794 --> 00:22:58,878
‪我那時候就是這樣

421
00:22:59,504 --> 00:23:02,215
‪我心想：“不要再想了，放下吧”

422
00:23:02,298 --> 00:23:04,384
‪但在我的心中卻不停迴盪

423
00:23:04,467 --> 00:23:08,138
‪我一直反覆聽到“我戳”、“別這樣”

424
00:23:08,638 --> 00:23:10,140
‪我從沒感到那麼孤單過

425
00:23:10,223 --> 00:23:11,182
‪不停笑著

426
00:23:12,892 --> 00:23:15,103
‪旅行結束後，我覺得該結束關係

427
00:23:15,186 --> 00:23:16,020
‪我打給他

428
00:23:16,104 --> 00:23:18,314
‪“我們不會有結果，我們的笑點不同

429
00:23:18,398 --> 00:23:19,399
‪那也沒關係”

430
00:23:20,358 --> 00:23:23,194
‪他說：“舉個我們笑點不同的例子”

431
00:23:27,157 --> 00:23:30,493
‪“我在船上戳你屁縫的那次

432
00:23:31,077 --> 00:23:32,579
‪在船上戳你屁縫”

433
00:23:33,121 --> 00:23:34,706
‪他說：“我不喜歡那樣

434
00:23:34,789 --> 00:23:36,207
‪我小時候都被我爸那樣對待”

435
00:23:39,252 --> 00:23:40,211
‪屢試不爽

436
00:23:41,421 --> 00:23:43,047
‪我說：“真有意思

437
00:23:43,548 --> 00:23:45,049
‪你爸聽起來很棒

438
00:23:45,967 --> 00:23:49,471
‪他還和你媽在一起嗎？
‪因為我想戳一整晚”

439
00:23:53,266 --> 00:23:55,643
‪那趟墨西哥之旅的途中，他想去教堂

440
00:23:55,727 --> 00:23:58,480
‪我有點像度假的小屁孩

441
00:23:58,563 --> 00:24:00,732
‪我當時是從《週六夜現場》告假

442
00:24:01,357 --> 00:24:03,151
‪我說：“我不想去教堂

443
00:24:03,234 --> 00:24:05,236
‪我不想去，不要”

444
00:24:05,737 --> 00:24:10,450
‪他帶我去教堂
‪教堂因為地震損壞而關閉

445
00:24:10,533 --> 00:24:12,118
‪我心想：“感謝上帝”

446
00:24:13,286 --> 00:24:14,913
‪不然我還得找個寶寶

447
00:24:18,249 --> 00:24:19,667
‪我想學西班牙語

448
00:24:19,751 --> 00:24:22,504
‪就可以在行房時對男友說了

449
00:24:23,338 --> 00:24:25,131
‪不過有一些…一定會很性感

450
00:24:25,840 --> 00:24:26,674
‪我交往過…

451
00:24:26,758 --> 00:24:28,426
‪好啦，別激動

452
00:24:28,510 --> 00:24:29,344
‪我…

453
00:24:32,597 --> 00:24:33,765
‪我最好會在床上那樣叫

454
00:24:42,607 --> 00:24:44,692
‪說不定該學一下，一定會很好笑

455
00:24:47,654 --> 00:24:50,490
‪我想在床上講西班牙語

456
00:24:50,573 --> 00:24:53,243
‪我交往過的幾個男人都說過

457
00:24:53,326 --> 00:24:56,037
‪“妳是墨西哥人
‪能用西班牙語說下流話嗎？”

458
00:24:56,120 --> 00:24:57,539
‪我說：“不行

459
00:24:59,165 --> 00:24:59,999
‪不過

460
00:25:00,667 --> 00:25:02,627
‪我可以模仿我過世的奶奶”

461
00:25:44,168 --> 00:25:45,545
‪因為她過世了

462
00:25:53,219 --> 00:25:57,640
‪我知道你們今晚
‪看到我對自己的笑話笑了不少次

463
00:25:58,224 --> 00:26:00,143
‪我每天都是這樣打算

464
00:26:00,226 --> 00:26:01,060
‪不過…

465
00:26:02,020 --> 00:26:05,148
‪我思考過了

466
00:26:05,898 --> 00:26:07,525
‪等我老了、去世了

467
00:26:07,609 --> 00:26:11,362
‪我希望我的遺言可以讓我自己笑出來

468
00:26:11,446 --> 00:26:12,739
‪我喜歡逗自己笑

469
00:26:12,822 --> 00:26:13,656
‪計畫是這樣的

470
00:26:13,740 --> 00:26:16,367
‪我希望抱著老弱身軀舒服躺在床上

471
00:26:18,077 --> 00:26:19,287
‪家人圍繞在旁

472
00:26:20,496 --> 00:26:23,750
‪“乖孫，過來這邊，過來”

473
00:26:23,833 --> 00:26:25,126
‪我也會用這個聲音講

474
00:26:25,209 --> 00:26:26,044
‪“過來

475
00:26:26,586 --> 00:26:28,838
‪我必須告訴你一件重要的事”

476
00:26:31,424 --> 00:26:32,383
‪“奶奶，什麼事？”

477
00:26:35,011 --> 00:26:36,137
‪“我…”

478
00:26:37,221 --> 00:26:38,056
‪“什麼事？”

479
00:26:39,474 --> 00:26:40,808
‪“我…”

480
00:26:42,935 --> 00:26:43,770
‪“說吧”

481
00:26:45,063 --> 00:26:46,397
‪“我…”

482
00:26:51,027 --> 00:26:53,613
‪我從來就不是聰明人

483
00:26:55,031 --> 00:26:58,076
‪又像窮人偷竊般無可自拔

484
00:26:58,159 --> 00:27:00,745
‪這首歌我只能唱到這裡

485
00:27:00,828 --> 00:27:03,498
‪因為Netflix沒買版權

486
00:27:03,581 --> 00:27:06,834
‪我只能唱到這裡

487
00:27:09,128 --> 00:27:14,342
‪五分錢合唱團的歌，我只能唱到這

488
00:27:24,644 --> 00:27:26,270
‪“是五分錢合唱團的歌嗎？”

489
00:27:26,354 --> 00:27:27,772
‪“對，一小段吧”

490
00:27:29,107 --> 00:27:30,108
‪“等等，後面還有”

491
00:27:31,150 --> 00:27:32,193
‪“不要”

492
00:27:32,276 --> 00:27:33,569
‪“要啦”

493
00:27:34,153 --> 00:27:35,446
‪“不要，奶奶，妳就走吧”

494
00:27:35,530 --> 00:27:37,490
‪“不要，妳好沒禮貌”

495
00:27:38,533 --> 00:27:39,701
‪“何時要走我說了算”

496
00:27:41,285 --> 00:27:42,161
‪“我…”

497
00:27:42,245 --> 00:27:43,746
‪“別唱了”

498
00:27:44,414 --> 00:27:45,707
‪“我…”

499
00:27:45,790 --> 00:27:48,251
‪”我不是完美的人…

500
00:27:48,334 --> 00:27:50,712
‪這是好把戲樂團，奶奶的愛團之一”

501
00:27:50,795 --> 00:27:51,629
‪“快走啦”

502
00:28:00,555 --> 00:28:01,514
‪“有我在”

503
00:28:03,099 --> 00:28:04,767
‪“醒來，快點梳妝打扮，《雜碎》”

504
00:28:05,852 --> 00:28:06,936
‪我就以此作結了

505
00:28:07,603 --> 00:28:08,688
‪謝謝大家

506
00:29:04,827 --> 00:29:06,454
‪字幕翻譯：韓仁耀