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‪NETFLIX 喜剧特辑

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{\an8}‪大家欢迎梅丽莎维娅塞诺！

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‪天啊！

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‪好了 你们…

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‪你们太暖了

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‪谢谢你们

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‪天啊 这让我太开心了 谢谢

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‪真高兴看到你们可爱的脸庞

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‪我是梅丽莎

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‪我为了提升自尊心 每天会念肯定句

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‪这是一种积极的自我对话

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‪比如我会说：

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‪“我很搞笑 我是个超棒的写手”

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‪但我发现我的声音太讽刺了

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‪我不相信我自己

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‪“我很聪明”

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‪但幸好我会模仿
‪所以我会模仿多莉帕顿

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‪她拥有世界上最激励人心的声音

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‪所以现在我用多莉的声音说肯定句

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‪效果好多了

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‪“我很聪明

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‪我…

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‪我很擅长我的工作

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‪我随时都有创意涌现

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‪我写了《乔琳》”

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‪乔琳

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‪我求求你不要抢我的男人

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‪“看见没？”

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‪我没有写《乔琳》

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‪但效果很好

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‪“我好美

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‪我很可爱 我很能干”

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‪我会永远爱我

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‪“我很努力 我很专注

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‪我能轻易实现我的目标”

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‪我朝九晚五 为生活拼搏

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‪准确的说是晚10点到午夜

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‪因为这是我的上场时间

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‪“因为喜剧是晚上演的 懂吗？”

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‪我一直尽力成为更好的自己

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‪现在我很困扰的一个问题是

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‪我在需要坚定的时候 会嘟嘟囔囔的

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‪比如我在餐厅 想找服务员要点什么

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‪我不想麻烦他们 所以总是用倒装句

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‪我会说：“米布丁 你们有吗？”

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‪“阿诺德帕尔默鸡尾酒 你们有吗？”

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‪“账单 我们准备好了”

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‪我一紧张就变成尤达大师 说倒装句

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‪比如“米布丁 你们有吗？”

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‪等等 我好久没模仿尤达了 练习一下

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‪“阿诺德帕尔默鸡尾酒 你们有…”

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‪等一下 该死

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‪“账单 你有…我们准备好了”

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‪算了 我不想拉出大便来

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‪那个要下面使劲的

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‪我做的很多模仿有时还挺有用的

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‪我会做《模拟人生》的模仿
‪还记得《模拟人生》吗？

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‪也许你今天还在玩

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‪但我的《模拟人生》模仿
‪是一种防御机制

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‪如果我一个人走路 感觉有人跟踪我

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‪我就假装成游戏人物吓他们

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‪像这样

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‪“嗨”

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‪“嘿”

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‪如果你不知道《模拟人生》
‪一会儿查查 你会乐的

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‪我得说 我并不是最聪明的

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‪好吧？我在想…

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‪有时我会突发奇想
‪我自己都不知道是怎么搞的

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‪最近我跟我朋友说：“喂 听我说

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‪我觉得我的胸部小

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‪是因为我这辈子都趴着睡觉

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‪它们无法生长

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‪我把它们压扁了”

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‪我朋友说：“不是这样的”

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‪我说：“好吧 别跟别人说”

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‪我很像小孩子 好吧？

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‪我会想：“天啊 我真是个小孩子”

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‪是这样 我爸妈…

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‪我妈帮我管账

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‪她负责我所有的报税和合同
‪我什么都没读过

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‪我很感谢我爸妈

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‪他们在文件方面帮了我很多忙

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‪所以我决定 当他们离开人世时

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‪我也要离开

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‪我不想处理文件

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‪我开玩笑的 我会留下来

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‪我跟家人关系很好 我来自洛杉矶

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‪有时候我从《周六夜现场》休息时

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‪我会回家 住在我父母家

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‪他们很喜欢

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‪我倒不是每次都喜欢

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‪我不喜欢住父母家是因为有时候

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‪我表演完之后很晚才回家

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‪或者是和朋友玩到凌晨1点什么的

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‪我妈总是会从床上跳下来

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‪就为了找我说话聊天

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‪因为她爱我 我懂

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‪但我会说：“现在不行 妈
‪我们明天早上再谈”

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‪我不喜欢凌晨1点跟我妈说话

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‪她不耐烦 说法又直 还半昏睡着

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‪一只眼睛睁着 吓死我了

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‪我刷着牙 迫不及待想上床睡觉了

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‪然后我在镜子里看到她在我身后

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‪看起来像个迪士尼小女巫

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‪“你回来啦？

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‪好冷啊

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‪你不冷吗 梅丽莎？

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‪我好冷

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‪我看着你都冷

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‪你为什么不穿袜子拖鞋什么的？

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‪所以说你才总是生病

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‪来 穿我的拖鞋”

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‪“不 妈 我喜欢打光脚”

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‪“别担心 我口袋里有备用拖鞋

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‪别用这种态度跟我说话 好吗？

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‪话说回来…”

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‪然后她的手臂会抬高一点

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‪“你穿的是什么呢？

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‪我不喜欢你的打扮
‪你可以更体面一点

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‪你都上节目了”

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‪我说：“妈 这是我的风格”
‪她说：“好吧

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‪我欣赏不了

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‪你随时可以找我的

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‪你可以借我的巴宝莉 或者迈克高仕

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‪“我讨厌迈克高仕 妈”

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‪“大家都喜欢迈克高仕

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‪他们尊重他

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‪话说回来…”

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‪“你的胡子要长出来了

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‪快点刮一刮 你现在上节目了

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‪你看到我新买的椅子了吗？

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‪在HomeGoods买的

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‪别碰它 你的手很臭

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‪话说回来…

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‪你明天想跟我去好市多吗？”

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‪“不 我讨厌好市多”

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‪“天啊 我给你买披萨吃”

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‪“好吧”

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‪谢谢

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‪我喜欢和我妈一起吃午餐
‪那是我们的保留节目

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‪一起吃午餐

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‪但每次我们去吃午餐 我都让她开车

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‪我不想开车 因为我妈喜欢指挥我

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‪她会评论我的车技

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‪她知道这很让我火大

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‪所以她会低声地评论我的车技

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‪这样更糟糕 因为我还是能听见

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‪她的每句悄悄话
‪在单纯的我听来都很黄色

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‪她会悄声对我说：“慢点

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‪太快了”

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‪她坐在副驾驶座上拉着把手

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‪而且还踩着…

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‪可能那边有一个我不知道的刹车吧

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‪她会用脚踩

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‪“慢点！”

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‪“车还停着呢”

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‪“慢点

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‪快停下

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‪不要太猛

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‪不要太猛

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‪好冷

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‪你着什么急呢？

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‪我的腰！

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‪就是那里 就在那里

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‪你错过了

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‪现在我们得从后面进去了”
‪“好下流！”

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‪这都是真的

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‪我爸也很搞笑

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‪他和我妈相反

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‪我妈是刀子嘴 说话直

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‪很伤人但很好笑

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‪我爸正好相反
‪他很敏感 他是讨好型人格

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‪他性格很开朗 想让大家都开心

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‪他喜欢音乐剧

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‪我妈可讨厌音乐剧了

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‪我坐我爸的车时

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‪电台会放《火爆浪子》的歌

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‪可是现在没有地方…

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‪我爸会说：“好耶”

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‪我妈则是这样

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‪“我讨厌《火爆浪子》

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‪我讨厌丹尼祖科”

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‪有一次我睡得迷迷糊糊的
‪我妈突然对我说：

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‪“我刚刚梦到你爸是同性恋”

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‪这简直…

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‪她这么想可能是因为
‪每年9月我爸生日的时候

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‪他会放《雨中曲》 他最喜欢的电影

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‪他会在客厅里跟着跳

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‪唱着：“我在雨中唱歌”

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‪她可能看到这一幕说：“我就知道”

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‪可怜的爸爸

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‪他们的关系就像
‪约翰坎迪和史蒂夫马丁

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‪在《一路顺疯》里那样

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‪记得吗？

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‪他们吵架的方式都一样

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‪我听到我父母在房间里

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‪我妈说：“喂 迈克

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‪不是每个人都必须喜欢你 好吗？

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‪你不需要所有人都喜欢你

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‪人们不喜欢我 我没事啊

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‪你没看到我哭哭啼啼的

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‪我不在乎”

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‪我爸说：“行了 露贝

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‪我是想让孩子们笑 他们这周不顺心”

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‪“他们不喜欢你 迈克

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‪没人喜欢你”

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‪我走进去说：“爸 妈 你们还好吗？”

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‪“我没事

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‪你爸在哭

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‪没人喜欢他”

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‪她是个恶霸 他也有点木讷

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‪他跳舞的时候会这样跳 好吧？

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‪有时候我妈会看着他说：

214
00:11:34,361 --> 00:11:36,780
‪“要是我上学时认识你 我会暴揍你”

215
00:11:36,864 --> 00:11:37,698
‪妈呀

216
00:11:40,242 --> 00:11:42,035
‪我来自一个墨西哥家庭

217
00:11:42,119 --> 00:11:43,412
‪这个我一定得说说

218
00:11:44,288 --> 00:11:46,290
‪有墨西哥的吗？好的

219
00:11:48,083 --> 00:11:49,334
‪很多人不相信我

220
00:11:49,418 --> 00:11:52,796
‪很多人会说：
‪“你看起来不像墨西哥人”

221
00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:54,298
‪我会觉得很抱歉

222
00:11:54,381 --> 00:11:57,092
‪“哦 很抱歉 我忘了戴宽边帽了

223
00:11:57,176 --> 00:12:00,053
‪哦 我的弹舌音不够明显吗？

224
00:12:00,137 --> 00:12:01,346
‪抱歉”

225
00:12:01,430 --> 00:12:03,307
‪然后我得跳着萨尔萨舞离开

226
00:12:04,057 --> 00:12:05,184
‪“抱歉”

227
00:12:07,311 --> 00:12:10,522
‪但我确实很美国化 我是第二代

228
00:12:10,606 --> 00:12:14,568
‪我小时候没有好好学西班牙语

229
00:12:15,152 --> 00:12:16,945
‪但我现在正在学习 好吧？

230
00:12:17,571 --> 00:12:19,072
‪我学习西班牙语是因为

231
00:12:19,156 --> 00:12:21,825
‪我有很多亲戚只说西班牙语

232
00:12:21,909 --> 00:12:24,369
‪比如我的奶奶

233
00:12:24,453 --> 00:12:27,748
‪我都不了解她 这是不对的 你懂吗？

234
00:12:27,831 --> 00:12:31,084
‪我不想当我看到她时 只能点头微笑

235
00:12:31,585 --> 00:12:33,504
‪“嘿 奶奶 你好吗？”

236
00:12:34,004 --> 00:12:36,340
‪她不在乎 她就坐在那里看着我

237
00:12:36,423 --> 00:12:37,716
‪她很傲气 就这样

238
00:12:56,401 --> 00:12:58,695
‪“谢谢 你也很漂亮

239
00:13:00,155 --> 00:13:01,448
‪别忘了”

240
00:13:06,495 --> 00:13:08,622
‪然后她会用西班牙语跟其他人说话

241
00:13:25,013 --> 00:13:27,432
‪“我知道我是疯子 你也是吗？”

242
00:13:27,516 --> 00:13:28,809
‪“不 我不是”

243
00:13:45,200 --> 00:13:48,704
‪“什么？语气变了
‪你在说什么？我不喜欢这样”

244
00:13:53,709 --> 00:13:55,085
‪“搞什么？”

245
00:14:01,008 --> 00:14:02,259
‪“好吧”

246
00:14:04,469 --> 00:14:06,096
‪那就是我曾祖母的声音

247
00:14:06,179 --> 00:14:07,890
‪我要分享一件事 你们别难过

248
00:14:07,973 --> 00:14:09,933
‪她最近去世了 好吧？

249
00:14:10,017 --> 00:14:11,727
‪但她活到了105岁

250
00:14:11,810 --> 00:14:14,855
‪真是太牛了 她是最棒的

251
00:14:17,399 --> 00:14:20,903
‪我和她最美好的回忆之一就是

252
00:14:22,112 --> 00:14:23,989
‪有一次平安夜聚会

253
00:14:24,573 --> 00:14:26,533
‪她在我们的沙发上尿尿了

254
00:14:26,617 --> 00:14:28,994
‪听着 你活到那个岁数 这是你应得的

255
00:14:29,077 --> 00:14:31,163
‪尿在哪儿都行 这是一种荣幸

256
00:14:31,246 --> 00:14:32,831
‪我记得在那个平安夜

257
00:14:32,915 --> 00:14:34,416
‪大家都走了 已经午夜了

258
00:14:34,499 --> 00:14:36,793
‪我们在沙发垫子上看到一小滩水

259
00:14:36,877 --> 00:14:39,004
‪我们不知道是酒还是尿

260
00:14:39,087 --> 00:14:40,797
‪那时候我们都在打闹说笑

261
00:14:40,881 --> 00:14:43,383
‪我妈拿起垫子说：

262
00:14:44,009 --> 00:14:44,885
‪“闻闻”

263
00:14:46,428 --> 00:14:49,389
‪我喜欢闻东西 所以我大闻了一口

264
00:14:49,473 --> 00:14:51,391
‪突然我会说西班牙语了

265
00:14:51,892 --> 00:14:52,726
‪我说：

266
00:15:01,401 --> 00:15:05,489
‪我喜欢我的文化
‪但我小时候是个混蛋 不知道珍惜

267
00:15:05,572 --> 00:15:06,823
‪我是个小混蛋

268
00:15:06,907 --> 00:15:10,869
‪我们总是吃墨西哥食物
‪我们家吃很多豆子

269
00:15:10,953 --> 00:15:12,621
‪我会向我妈抱怨说：

270
00:15:12,704 --> 00:15:15,916
‪“我不想再吃豆子了 不要豆子

271
00:15:15,999 --> 00:15:18,210
‪我要阿尔弗雷多白酱意大利面”

272
00:15:19,711 --> 00:15:21,213
‪我没吃上阿尔弗雷多

273
00:15:21,296 --> 00:15:23,548
‪我唯一的阿尔弗雷多
‪是我的阿尔弗雷多叔叔

274
00:15:23,632 --> 00:15:25,467
‪他带了更多的豆子来

275
00:15:30,889 --> 00:15:34,977
‪我想我奶奶会很开心我有“诺唯欧”了

276
00:15:35,060 --> 00:15:36,687
‪我有男朋友了

277
00:15:41,066 --> 00:15:44,027
‪是的 你知道吗？我真的很感恩

278
00:15:44,111 --> 00:15:46,279
‪我讨厌约会 真的

279
00:15:46,363 --> 00:15:48,782
‪因为…为什么每场约会…

280
00:15:50,033 --> 00:15:51,702
‪我讨厌约会是因为

281
00:15:51,785 --> 00:15:53,328
‪我太搞笑了

282
00:15:54,705 --> 00:15:55,706
‪大多…

283
00:15:56,456 --> 00:15:57,416
‪听着 我…

284
00:16:01,044 --> 00:16:04,965
‪我去过的大部分约会 我都一个人乐

285
00:16:05,048 --> 00:16:06,591
‪各种搞笑 你知道吗？

286
00:16:06,675 --> 00:16:08,093
‪对方却不懂我

287
00:16:08,176 --> 00:16:11,013
‪我心想：“我等不及回家跟我玩了

288
00:16:11,513 --> 00:16:12,806
‪我好搞笑”

289
00:16:15,058 --> 00:16:17,019
‪我不喜欢调情

290
00:16:17,102 --> 00:16:19,521
‪我没办法

291
00:16:19,604 --> 00:16:21,690
‪用我的声音？调情？

292
00:16:23,316 --> 00:16:26,820
‪我意识到当我调情时
‪我听起来像个骄傲的爸爸

293
00:16:26,903 --> 00:16:28,363
‪那就是我的气场

294
00:16:28,864 --> 00:16:32,451
‪我过去和男人调情时
‪我会说：“嘿 你今晚真帅气

295
00:16:32,534 --> 00:16:34,411
‪这外套好好看

296
00:16:34,911 --> 00:16:36,747
‪你看着很精神 我的好儿子

297
00:16:37,873 --> 00:16:40,709
‪该死 当我没有说‘我的好儿子’

298
00:16:41,668 --> 00:16:43,295
‪哦 话说回来

299
00:16:43,378 --> 00:16:44,504
‪把功课做完哦”

300
00:16:49,509 --> 00:16:53,096
‪我的男朋友
‪我得炫耀一下 他是小提琴手

301
00:16:53,180 --> 00:16:55,015
‪是很棒的小提琴手 不是那种差的

302
00:16:55,098 --> 00:16:57,768
‪对 没错

303
00:16:57,851 --> 00:17:01,063
‪你认识多少小提琴家？
‪你遇到过多少小提琴？

304
00:17:01,730 --> 00:17:02,898
‪不多的

305
00:17:04,483 --> 00:17:06,568
‪有时候我会听到他拉小提琴

306
00:17:07,152 --> 00:17:08,612
‪在一个房间 像这样

307
00:17:12,240 --> 00:17:14,284
‪这很恐怖的 你知道吗？

308
00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:16,953
‪我会焦虑 觉得自己在泰坦尼克号上

309
00:17:17,037 --> 00:17:19,498
‪你知道沉船的时候拉小提琴那一幕

310
00:17:20,499 --> 00:17:22,459
‪于是我就把贵重物品拿上

311
00:17:22,542 --> 00:17:26,296
‪我说：“快 拿点麦片
‪抱上我的狗 拿一块木头”

312
00:17:26,379 --> 00:17:28,381
‪他说：“你干吗把我的门拆了？”

313
00:17:28,465 --> 00:17:30,634
‪我说：“女人和孩子优先 贱人”

314
00:17:36,056 --> 00:17:37,766
‪他是个大暖男

315
00:17:37,849 --> 00:17:40,894
‪他在我奶奶的葬礼上拉了小提琴

316
00:17:40,977 --> 00:17:42,395
‪非常暖心

317
00:17:43,730 --> 00:17:46,233
‪但弥撒过后情况有点奇怪

318
00:17:46,316 --> 00:17:48,902
‪我很多姨妈过来对他说：

319
00:17:48,985 --> 00:17:50,904
‪“你也要在我的葬礼上演奏”

320
00:17:51,404 --> 00:17:52,614
‪这太阴郁了

321
00:17:52,697 --> 00:17:56,076
‪而且这很奇怪
‪因为他演奏的是《通向地狱的公路》

322
00:17:56,159 --> 00:17:56,993
‪你知道吗？

323
00:18:03,041 --> 00:18:05,919
‪我在葬礼上听到了一个小婴儿的哭声

324
00:18:06,002 --> 00:18:07,045
‪我听到了一点…

325
00:18:09,172 --> 00:18:10,423
‪我知道 这很可怕

326
00:18:11,091 --> 00:18:12,175
‪我要再来一次

327
00:18:15,679 --> 00:18:19,307
‪我听到宝宝的声音
‪你知道宝宝总会在教堂里哭

328
00:18:19,391 --> 00:18:21,143
‪我转念一想

329
00:18:21,226 --> 00:18:24,062
‪那是我唯一想抱一个婴儿的时候

330
00:18:24,146 --> 00:18:25,147
‪就是在教堂里

331
00:18:25,230 --> 00:18:28,608
‪因为他们总是哭 你就可以借机离开

332
00:18:28,692 --> 00:18:29,901
‪你抱着孩子

333
00:18:30,402 --> 00:18:31,903
‪你说：“我得走了 他在发脾气”

334
00:18:31,987 --> 00:18:34,823
‪然后你到外面说：“太感谢了 宝贝

335
00:18:34,906 --> 00:18:36,700
‪里面太无聊了”

336
00:18:42,998 --> 00:18:45,125
‪我男朋友已经当爸爸了

337
00:18:45,208 --> 00:18:47,085
‪他有两个小男孩

338
00:18:47,169 --> 00:18:49,754
‪我喜欢和他们一起玩

339
00:18:49,838 --> 00:18:52,090
‪因为我和他儿子的喜好是一样的

340
00:18:52,174 --> 00:18:53,550
‪所以我很开心

341
00:18:54,384 --> 00:18:57,888
‪有时他在跟他孩子说话
‪但他其实是在跟我说话

342
00:18:58,388 --> 00:19:01,266
‪他对孩子说：“谁想看《狮子王》？”

343
00:19:04,686 --> 00:19:06,688
‪“还有拉飞奇吗？太好了！”

344
00:19:07,939 --> 00:19:10,275
‪“好吧 谁想吃奶酪通心粉？”

345
00:19:13,195 --> 00:19:14,863
‪“好吧 谁尿裤子了？”

346
00:19:14,946 --> 00:19:15,906
‪“我

347
00:19:17,532 --> 00:19:19,242
‪我奶奶遗传的”

348
00:19:23,163 --> 00:19:25,040
‪有时候我会为他的孩子模仿声音

349
00:19:25,123 --> 00:19:27,083
‪这让我自尊心大增

350
00:19:27,167 --> 00:19:29,002
‪因为他们觉得每个声音都很好笑

351
00:19:29,085 --> 00:19:31,379
‪我给他们用米老鼠的声音说：

352
00:19:31,463 --> 00:19:34,424
‪“嘿 孩子们
‪天啊 你真特别 布鲁托！”

353
00:19:34,507 --> 00:19:35,842
‪然后他们就这样

354
00:19:38,386 --> 00:19:41,848
‪有一次我用小黄人的声音说：“香蕉”

355
00:19:43,516 --> 00:19:46,686
‪我用《神奇宝贝》的小智
‪就是那个小男孩的声音说：

356
00:19:46,770 --> 00:19:48,939
‪“皮卡丘
‪跟这两个小朋友说他们很特别”

357
00:19:49,022 --> 00:19:51,024
‪“皮卡 皮卡丘”

358
00:19:57,113 --> 00:20:00,533
‪但如果这两个孩子不被我的声音逗笑

359
00:20:00,617 --> 00:20:02,953
‪我就只能动用卡特曼的声音了

360
00:20:03,036 --> 00:20:05,330
‪我说：“你们不尊重我的权威

361
00:20:05,413 --> 00:20:08,333
‪你们吸我的蛋蛋吧 我要回家了”

362
00:20:09,542 --> 00:20:10,585
‪他们活该

363
00:20:13,755 --> 00:20:15,632
‪有时候我和他们在一起的时候

364
00:20:15,715 --> 00:20:18,009
‪我男朋友会教他们有趣的知识

365
00:20:18,093 --> 00:20:20,887
‪而我也是第一次学到 对

366
00:20:20,971 --> 00:20:23,556
‪有天我们走在人行道上

367
00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:27,102
‪他指着地面说：
‪“孩子们 看 这是蜗牛留下的痕迹

368
00:20:27,185 --> 00:20:30,146
‪蜗牛爬过的地方会有一条闪光的线”

369
00:20:30,230 --> 00:20:32,482
‪他们不在乎 但我呢？我说：

370
00:20:32,565 --> 00:20:35,235
‪“你是认真的吗？蜗牛会这样吗？”

371
00:20:36,152 --> 00:20:38,613
‪我不知道 我33岁了 但我不知道

372
00:20:39,364 --> 00:20:41,533
‪我兴奋极了 我回到家后

373
00:20:42,951 --> 00:20:44,577
‪谷歌搜索了“蜗牛痕迹”

374
00:20:44,661 --> 00:20:46,496
‪别在谷歌上搜索“蜗牛痕迹”

375
00:20:47,414 --> 00:20:50,292
‪除非你喜欢恶心的东西 那就去吧

376
00:20:51,710 --> 00:20:55,005
‪听着 我喜欢学习冷知识 好吧？

377
00:20:55,088 --> 00:20:57,257
‪因为我喜欢和朋友分享冷知识

378
00:20:57,340 --> 00:20:59,009
‪因为我想让他们觉得：

379
00:20:59,092 --> 00:21:02,178
‪“哇 梅丽莎还是有点脑子的呢”

380
00:21:03,596 --> 00:21:06,725
‪但让我不爽的是
‪有人质疑我的冷知识的时候

381
00:21:06,808 --> 00:21:08,893
‪我就失去了所有自信

382
00:21:09,394 --> 00:21:11,688
‪我和男朋友一起去远足时 我说：

383
00:21:11,771 --> 00:21:14,983
‪“那是毒藤 你知道怎么判断吗？

384
00:21:15,066 --> 00:21:17,193
‪有三片叶子的东西就不要碰”

385
00:21:18,028 --> 00:21:19,654
‪然后他说：“真的吗？”

386
00:21:20,780 --> 00:21:21,698
‪“我不知道

387
00:21:22,490 --> 00:21:24,617
‪我不知道 我好像在哪里读到过

388
00:21:24,701 --> 00:21:27,579
‪我不知道 不要说是我说的
‪别到处跟你的朋友讲

389
00:21:27,662 --> 00:21:28,997
‪天啊 现在我好火大

390
00:21:29,080 --> 00:21:31,624
‪那你去滚一圈 看有没有毒吧”

391
00:21:39,257 --> 00:21:42,010
‪他很有幽默感 我真的很感恩

392
00:21:42,093 --> 00:21:45,513
‪因为我跟和我笑点不一样的人交往过

393
00:21:45,597 --> 00:21:47,807
‪那感觉糟糕极了

394
00:21:47,891 --> 00:21:49,559
‪你一个人孤零零的 你知道吗？

395
00:21:50,060 --> 00:21:52,312
‪我几年前和一个男的约会

396
00:21:52,395 --> 00:21:53,646
‪我们去了墨西哥

397
00:21:53,730 --> 00:21:55,523
‪然后在墨西哥发生了一件事

398
00:21:55,607 --> 00:21:58,360
‪让我感觉我们成不了
‪因为他没和我一起笑

399
00:21:58,860 --> 00:22:00,695
‪我们当时在一条小船上

400
00:22:01,613 --> 00:22:03,615
‪他安排我们在日落时泛舟

401
00:22:03,698 --> 00:22:05,825
‪就是墨西哥那种五颜六色的小船

402
00:22:05,909 --> 00:22:07,827
‪船上只有我和他

403
00:22:10,455 --> 00:22:14,084
‪我看着他的屁股
‪我可以这样 我们在约会 好吧？

404
00:22:14,584 --> 00:22:17,670
‪我看到他的裤子有点低
‪露出了一点屁股缝儿

405
00:22:18,171 --> 00:22:20,507
‪如果你看到会怎么办？

406
00:22:21,007 --> 00:22:22,550
‪你会去戳一下

407
00:22:23,968 --> 00:22:27,472
‪我的大脑立刻说：“对 当然要戳啊”

408
00:22:28,139 --> 00:22:30,600
‪手指不要逗留太久 就很快的一下

409
00:22:31,643 --> 00:22:34,896
‪我看到他的屁股缝儿
‪我想：“好 我要进去了”

410
00:22:36,314 --> 00:22:37,273
‪啵

411
00:22:39,025 --> 00:22:41,611
‪他说：“别这样 我不喜欢”

412
00:22:43,863 --> 00:22:46,199
‪“真的吗？” 他说：“我不喜欢”

413
00:22:47,492 --> 00:22:49,035
‪然后我们到达了陆地

414
00:22:49,869 --> 00:22:51,996
‪我心想：“天啊”

415
00:22:52,747 --> 00:22:54,499
‪你知道当你觉得一件事很好笑

416
00:22:54,582 --> 00:22:57,710
‪但对方不喜欢的时候
‪你反而会笑得更厉害

417
00:22:57,794 --> 00:22:59,462
‪我当时就是这样的

418
00:22:59,546 --> 00:23:02,173
‪我告诉自己：“不要再想了 忘了吧”

419
00:23:02,257 --> 00:23:04,384
‪但没用 它一直在我脑海里循环

420
00:23:04,467 --> 00:23:08,471
‪我一直听到“啵” “别这样”

421
00:23:08,555 --> 00:23:11,182
‪我从没觉得如此孤独 一直在笑

422
00:23:12,892 --> 00:23:15,103
‪旅程结束了 我想：“我必须做了断”

423
00:23:15,186 --> 00:23:16,020
‪我打给了他

424
00:23:16,104 --> 00:23:20,191
‪“我们成不了
‪我们笑点不一样 但是没关系”

425
00:23:20,275 --> 00:23:23,611
‪他说：“举个例子呢
‪我什么时候和你笑点不一样了？”

426
00:23:27,157 --> 00:23:30,493
‪“那次我在船上戳你的时候

427
00:23:31,077 --> 00:23:32,912
‪我在船上戳了你”

428
00:23:32,996 --> 00:23:34,706
‪他说：“我不喜欢那样

429
00:23:34,789 --> 00:23:36,583
‪我爸在我小时候经常那么做”

430
00:23:39,169 --> 00:23:40,211
‪每次都是这个反应

431
00:23:41,379 --> 00:23:43,047
‪我说：“真有趣

432
00:23:43,548 --> 00:23:45,216
‪你爸听起来很棒

433
00:23:45,967 --> 00:23:49,679
‪他还和你妈在一起吗？
‪因为我想戳一整晚”

434
00:23:53,224 --> 00:23:55,643
‪在墨西哥旅行时 他想去教堂

435
00:23:55,727 --> 00:23:58,480
‪我在度假时会有点难搞

436
00:23:58,563 --> 00:24:00,064
‪我正从《周六夜现场》放假

437
00:24:00,148 --> 00:24:03,151
‪我说：“我不想去教堂

438
00:24:03,234 --> 00:24:05,236
‪我不要去 不要”

439
00:24:05,737 --> 00:24:10,366
‪他带我去教堂说：
‪“这里因为地震的破坏关闭了”

440
00:24:10,450 --> 00:24:12,368
‪我心想：“谢谢上帝”

441
00:24:13,203 --> 00:24:14,913
‪不然我得去找个婴儿

442
00:24:18,208 --> 00:24:19,667
‪我想学西班牙文

443
00:24:19,751 --> 00:24:22,754
‪这样就能在床上取悦我男朋友

444
00:24:23,338 --> 00:24:25,131
‪但有的…是吧？超性感的

445
00:24:25,840 --> 00:24:28,343
‪我交往过…好了啦 冷静

446
00:24:28,426 --> 00:24:29,260
‪我…

447
00:24:32,514 --> 00:24:33,765
‪我才不会在床上这样

448
00:24:42,482 --> 00:24:44,859
‪也许我应该这么做 太好笑了

449
00:24:47,654 --> 00:24:49,906
‪不 我想要学
‪可以在床上用的西班牙语

450
00:24:49,989 --> 00:24:53,243
‪我交往过的好几个男生说：

451
00:24:53,326 --> 00:24:56,037
‪“你是墨西哥的
‪你可以用西班牙语说点骚话吗？”

452
00:24:56,120 --> 00:24:57,539
‪我说：“我不会

453
00:24:59,082 --> 00:24:59,916
‪但是

454
00:25:00,625 --> 00:25:02,752
‪我可以模仿我死去的奶奶”

455
00:25:44,127 --> 00:25:45,545
‪因为她死了

456
00:25:53,136 --> 00:25:57,640
‪听着 我知道今晚
‪我经常被自己的笑话逗笑

457
00:25:57,724 --> 00:26:00,727
‪我人生的每一天都打算这样 但是

458
00:26:02,020 --> 00:26:05,148
‪我想过了

459
00:26:05,857 --> 00:26:07,400
‪等我老了 离开这个世界了

460
00:26:07,483 --> 00:26:11,321
‪我希望我能被我的最后一句话逗笑

461
00:26:11,404 --> 00:26:12,947
‪我喜欢自己把自己逗笑

462
00:26:13,031 --> 00:26:16,326
‪我打算这样
‪孱弱的我舒服地躺在床上

463
00:26:18,077 --> 00:26:19,370
‪全家人围绕着我

464
00:26:20,496 --> 00:26:23,750
‪“孙子们 过来 来吧”

465
00:26:23,833 --> 00:26:25,126
‪我会用这个声音

466
00:26:25,209 --> 00:26:28,838
‪“来 我有重要的事要告诉你们”

467
00:26:31,341 --> 00:26:32,383
‪“什么事 奶奶？”

468
00:26:34,969 --> 00:26:36,137
‪“我…”

469
00:26:37,180 --> 00:26:38,014
‪“嗯？”

470
00:26:39,432 --> 00:26:40,808
‪“我…”

471
00:26:42,894 --> 00:26:43,728
‪“说吧”

472
00:26:45,021 --> 00:26:46,397
‪“我…”

473
00:26:50,943 --> 00:26:53,613
‪我从来没有做过聪明人

474
00:26:54,947 --> 00:26:58,076
‪偷窃的穷人也谈不上

475
00:26:58,159 --> 00:27:00,745
‪这首歌我只能唱这么多

476
00:27:00,828 --> 00:27:03,498
‪因为Netflix没有这首歌的版权

477
00:27:03,581 --> 00:27:06,834
‪我只能唱这么多

478
00:27:09,087 --> 00:27:14,342
‪这首五分钱乐队的歌
‪我只能唱这么多

479
00:27:24,560 --> 00:27:26,145
‪“那是五分钱乐队吗？”

480
00:27:26,229 --> 00:27:27,772
‪“一部分是 对”

481
00:27:28,981 --> 00:27:30,108
‪“等等 还有”

482
00:27:31,150 --> 00:27:32,193
‪“不”

483
00:27:32,276 --> 00:27:33,569
‪“有的”

484
00:27:34,070 --> 00:27:35,446
‪“不 奶奶 走吧”

485
00:27:35,530 --> 00:27:37,490
‪“不 真没礼貌 不行

486
00:27:38,449 --> 00:27:39,617
‪时间我来定

487
00:27:41,202 --> 00:27:42,078
‪我…”

488
00:27:42,161 --> 00:27:43,746
‪“打住吧”

489
00:27:44,288 --> 00:27:45,665
‪“我…”

490
00:27:45,748 --> 00:27:48,251
‪我不是完美的人…

491
00:27:48,334 --> 00:27:50,712
‪“好把戏乐队 别忘了 奶奶超爱的”

492
00:27:50,795 --> 00:27:51,629
‪“快走吧”

493
00:28:00,513 --> 00:28:01,514
‪“我骗到你们了”

494
00:28:03,057 --> 00:28:04,767
‪醒醒 化点妆 杂碎！

495
00:28:05,852 --> 00:28:06,936
‪就用这个结束

496
00:28:07,603 --> 00:28:08,688
‪谢谢你们

497
00:29:04,702 --> 00:29:06,454
‪字幕翻译：先思瑾