1
00:00:07,341 --> 00:00:08,760
<i>[indie rock music playing]</i>

2
00:00:13,639 --> 00:00:19,145
<i>[host] </i>Everybody welcome
{\an8}Melissa Villaseñor!

3
00:00:19,228 --> 00:00:21,022
<i>[audience cheers wildly]</i>

4
00:00:21,105 --> 00:00:23,107
<i>♪ Bad decisions ♪</i>

5
00:00:23,191 --> 00:00:26,027
<i>♪ I'm making bad decisions ♪</i>

6
00:00:26,110 --> 00:00:28,404
<i>♪ I'm making bad decisions… ♪</i>

7
00:00:30,615 --> 00:00:32,575
<i>Whoo-hoo!</i>

8
00:00:32,658 --> 00:00:34,035
<i>Oh, my gosh.</i>

9
00:00:34,702 --> 00:00:35,536
<i>Ah!</i>

10
00:00:37,038 --> 00:00:39,082
<i>-[cheering continues]</i>
<i>-All right. That's…</i>

11
00:00:42,001 --> 00:00:43,920
<i>That's really, really sweet.</i>

12
00:00:44,003 --> 00:00:45,213
<i>Thank you, guys.</i>

13
00:00:45,296 --> 00:00:49,175
<i>Oh, man. That made me feel good.</i>
<i>Thank you. Oh!</i>

14
00:00:49,258 --> 00:00:51,427
<i>So good to see your lovely faces.</i>

15
00:00:51,511 --> 00:00:53,221
<i>[cheering]</i>

16
00:00:53,304 --> 00:00:56,140
<i>[sighs] So I'm Melissa.</i>

17
00:00:56,224 --> 00:00:58,184
<i>-Um…</i>
<i>-[cheering]</i>

18
00:00:58,267 --> 00:01:02,480
<i>I am someone that does affirmations</i>
<i>every day for my self-esteem.</i>

19
00:01:02,563 --> 00:01:04,565
<i>It's, uh, positive self-talk.</i>

20
00:01:04,649 --> 00:01:06,275
<i>I say things like, uh,</i>

21
00:01:06,359 --> 00:01:09,403
<i>"I am funny. I am a great writer."</i>

22
00:01:10,029 --> 00:01:12,698
<i>But I realize my voice</i>
<i>sounds so sarcastic,</i>

23
00:01:12,782 --> 00:01:14,200
<i>I don't believe me.</i>

24
00:01:15,785 --> 00:01:17,328
<i>"I am very smart."</i>

25
00:01:17,954 --> 00:01:18,788
<i>Uh.</i>

26
00:01:19,747 --> 00:01:24,168
<i>But, thankfully, I do impressions.</i>
<i>So I have a Dolly Parton impression, and…</i>

27
00:01:24,252 --> 00:01:25,920
<i>-[audience cheers]</i>
<i>-That…</i>

28
00:01:26,003 --> 00:01:28,756
<i>It's the most uplifting voice there is.</i>
<i>You know?</i>

29
00:01:28,840 --> 00:01:32,760
<i>So now I've been saying my affirmations</i>
<i>as Dolly, and it just works way better.</i>

30
00:01:33,261 --> 00:01:35,680
<i>[as Dolly Parton] "I am so smart. I am…"</i>

31
00:01:35,763 --> 00:01:37,473
<i>-[audience cheers]</i>
<i>-[laughs]</i>

32
00:01:37,557 --> 00:01:39,725
<i>"I am great at what I do."</i>

33
00:01:39,809 --> 00:01:42,937
<i>"I come up with creative ideas</i>
<i>all of the time."</i>

34
00:01:43,980 --> 00:01:45,982
<i>[audience cheers]</i>

35
00:01:47,567 --> 00:01:48,734
<i>"I wrote…"</i>

36
00:01:48,818 --> 00:01:50,444
<i>"I wrote 'Jolene.'"</i>

37
00:01:51,404 --> 00:01:55,950
<i>♪ Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene ♪</i>

38
00:01:56,033 --> 00:01:59,287
<i>♪ I'm begging of you</i>
<i>Please don't take my man ♪</i>

39
00:01:59,370 --> 00:02:00,204
<i>"See?"</i>

40
00:02:00,288 --> 00:02:01,831
<i>[audience cheers]</i>

41
00:02:02,999 --> 00:02:04,917
<i>[in normal voice] I didn't write "Jolene."</i>

42
00:02:05,001 --> 00:02:05,960
<i>[chuckles]</i>

43
00:02:06,627 --> 00:02:07,879
<i>But it just works great.</i>

44
00:02:07,962 --> 00:02:12,133
<i>[as Dolly] "I am so beautiful.</i>
<i>I am lovable. I am capable."</i>

45
00:02:12,216 --> 00:02:16,429
<i>♪ I will always love me ♪</i>

46
00:02:17,180 --> 00:02:18,431
<i>[audience cheers]</i>

47
00:02:19,682 --> 00:02:21,726
<i>"I work hard. I am focused."</i>

48
00:02:21,809 --> 00:02:24,228
<i>"I complete my goals easily."</i>

49
00:02:24,312 --> 00:02:28,900
<i>♪ I work nine to five</i>
<i>What a way to make a living ♪</i>

50
00:02:28,983 --> 00:02:33,571
<i>♪ More like 10 to 12 a.m.</i>
<i>'Cause that's all the time I'm given ♪</i>

51
00:02:34,405 --> 00:02:36,741
<i>"'Cause standup's at night. Get it?"</i>

52
00:02:38,451 --> 00:02:39,410
<i>[chuckles]</i>

53
00:02:40,578 --> 00:02:43,581
<i>[in normal voice] I'm always trying</i>
<i>to be a better Melissa. Okay?</i>

54
00:02:43,664 --> 00:02:46,250
<i>Right now, something</i>
<i>that gets on my nerves about me</i>

55
00:02:46,334 --> 00:02:50,546
<i>is I mumble when I need to be assertive</i>
<i>or I need to ask for something.</i>

56
00:02:50,630 --> 00:02:53,883
<i>If I'm at a restaurant and I want</i>
<i>to ask the waiter for something,</i>

57
00:02:53,966 --> 00:02:56,886
<i>I never wanna bother them,</i>
<i>so my sentences are always backwards.</i>

58
00:02:56,969 --> 00:03:00,223
<i>I'll say, "Uh, rice pudding,</i>
<i>do you have it?"</i>

59
00:03:01,641 --> 00:03:04,393
<i>"Arnold Palmer? Do you make those here?"</i>

60
00:03:05,519 --> 00:03:08,022
<i>"Check. We're ready for it." [laughs]</i>

61
00:03:08,105 --> 00:03:11,275
<i>It's always Yoda when I'm nervous.</i>
<i>It's backwards.</i>

62
00:03:11,359 --> 00:03:15,279
<i>It's just… [as Yoda]</i>
<i>"Rice pudding. Do you have it?"</i>

63
00:03:15,363 --> 00:03:19,116
<i>[in normal voice] Hold on. I haven't done</i>
<i>Yoda in a while. Let me practice.</i>

64
00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:20,117
<i>[warms up]</i>

65
00:03:20,201 --> 00:03:23,371
<i>"Arnold Palmer.</i>
<i>Do you have… Do you make it?"</i>

66
00:03:23,454 --> 00:03:24,830
<i>Hold… Ah, shit.</i>

67
00:03:24,914 --> 00:03:27,208
<i>[breathes heavily]</i>

68
00:03:27,291 --> 00:03:28,876
<i>[gurgling and straining]</i>

69
00:03:28,960 --> 00:03:32,255
<i>"Check. Do you have…</i>
<i>We are ready for it."</i>

70
00:03:34,257 --> 00:03:36,050
<i>Forget it. I don't wanna poop.</i>

71
00:03:36,133 --> 00:03:38,469
<i>-[audience applauds]</i>
<i>-[chuckles]</i>

72
00:03:40,012 --> 00:03:41,472
<i>That one, you gotta push.</i>

73
00:03:42,682 --> 00:03:46,185
<i>A lot of impressions that I do,</i>
<i>some really help me out.</i>

74
00:03:46,269 --> 00:03:49,689
<i>I was thinking… I do a </i>Sims<i> impression.</i>
<i>You know? Remember </i>The<i> </i>Sims?

75
00:03:49,772 --> 00:03:52,650
<i>-[audience cheers]</i>
<i>-All… Or maybe you still play it today.</i>

76
00:03:52,733 --> 00:03:55,778
<i>But I do an impression of a sim</i>
<i>as a defense mechanism.</i>

77
00:03:55,861 --> 00:03:58,281
<i>If I'm walking alone</i>
<i>and feel someone's following me,</i>

78
00:03:58,364 --> 00:04:00,950
<i>I just pretend I'm a sim.</i>
<i>That scares them away. I just go…</i>

79
00:04:01,033 --> 00:04:04,453
<i>-[babbles in Simlish]</i>
<i>-[audience applauds]</i>

80
00:04:04,537 --> 00:04:05,371
<i>"Hi."</i>

81
00:04:07,707 --> 00:04:08,916
<i>"Hey."</i>

82
00:04:09,500 --> 00:04:11,210
<i>[continues babbling]</i>

83
00:04:17,049 --> 00:04:20,428
<i>If you don't know </i>Sims<i>, look it up later</i>
<i>and then you'll have a good laugh.</i>

84
00:04:24,765 --> 00:04:28,644
<i>Look, I gotta say,</i>
<i>I'm not the smartest one out there.</i>

85
00:04:28,728 --> 00:04:30,438
<i>Okay? I was thinking… [laughs]</i>

86
00:04:30,521 --> 00:04:34,108
<i>Sometimes I come up with things,</i>
<i>I'm like, "No. Why did I think that?"</i>

87
00:04:34,608 --> 00:04:38,321
<i>Recently, I told my friend this.</i>
<i>I was like, "Hey. Hear me out."</i>

88
00:04:38,404 --> 00:04:41,282
<i>"I think my boobs are small</i>

89
00:04:41,365 --> 00:04:44,660
<i>because my whole life</i>
<i>I've been sleeping on my belly."</i>

90
00:04:45,578 --> 00:04:46,829
<i>"They couldn't grow."</i>

91
00:04:47,330 --> 00:04:48,581
<i>"I squished 'em."</i>

92
00:04:49,415 --> 00:04:51,375
<i>My friend said,</i>
<i>"That's not how that works."</i>

93
00:04:51,459 --> 00:04:53,002
<i>I go, "Okay. Don't tell anyone."</i>

94
00:04:54,337 --> 00:04:55,588
<i>[chuckles and scoffs]</i>

95
00:04:56,339 --> 00:04:58,049
<i>I'm very childlike. Okay?</i>

96
00:04:58,132 --> 00:05:01,218
<i>I was thinking about it.</i>
<i>Man, I'm such a kid. I…</i>

97
00:05:01,302 --> 00:05:03,179
<i>Look, my parents…</i>

98
00:05:03,262 --> 00:05:04,847
<i>My mom is my bookkeeper. Okay?</i>

99
00:05:04,930 --> 00:05:07,933
<i>She does all my taxes, contracts.</i>
<i>I don't read anything.</i>

100
00:05:08,017 --> 00:05:10,102
<i>I'm so grateful for my parents.</i>

101
00:05:10,186 --> 00:05:12,563
<i>They help me out so much with paperwork.</i>

102
00:05:12,646 --> 00:05:16,317
<i>That's why I've decided,</i>
<i>when they go, I wanna go.</i>

103
00:05:17,151 --> 00:05:19,195
<i>I don't wanna deal with the paperwork.</i>

104
00:05:19,278 --> 00:05:20,905
<i>I'm kidding. I'll stick around.</i>

105
00:05:22,823 --> 00:05:25,743
<i>I'm really close to my family.</i>
<i>I'm from LA. Okay?</i>

106
00:05:25,826 --> 00:05:28,412
<i>Sometimes, just on my breaks from </i>SNL,

107
00:05:28,496 --> 00:05:31,290
<i>I'll go home</i>
<i>and I'll crash at my parents' house.</i>

108
00:05:31,374 --> 00:05:33,376
<i>They love it. I don't…</i>

109
00:05:33,876 --> 00:05:35,294
<i>all the time. [laughs]</i>

110
00:05:35,378 --> 00:05:37,922
<i>The nights I don't like</i>
<i>spending the night at my parents</i>

111
00:05:38,005 --> 00:05:40,257
<i>is when I come home late from stand-up</i>

112
00:05:40,341 --> 00:05:42,843
<i>or hanging out with my friends.</i>
<i>It's like 1:00 a.m.</i>

113
00:05:42,927 --> 00:05:47,348
<i>My mom will always jump out of her bed</i>
<i>just to talk and hang out.</i>

114
00:05:47,848 --> 00:05:49,475
<i>'Cause she loves me. I get it.</i>

115
00:05:49,558 --> 00:05:53,104
<i>But it's like, "Not now, Mom.</i>
<i>We'll talk tomorrow morning."</i>

116
00:05:53,187 --> 00:05:55,106
<i>I hate talking to my mom at 1:00 a.m.</i>

117
00:05:55,189 --> 00:05:58,359
<i>She's grumpy,</i>
<i>she's so honest, she's half-asleep.</i>

118
00:05:58,442 --> 00:06:01,195
<i>One eye's open. Gives me the spooks.</i>

119
00:06:02,822 --> 00:06:04,156
<i>I'll be brushing my teeth,</i>

120
00:06:04,240 --> 00:06:06,659
<i>I'm like, "Oh, I can't wait</i>
<i>to hit the pillow."</i>

121
00:06:07,201 --> 00:06:09,286
<i>Then I see her</i>
<i>in the mirror coming behind me.</i>

122
00:06:09,370 --> 00:06:11,872
<i>Just looking like</i>
<i>a little Disney witch. Just…</i>

123
00:06:11,956 --> 00:06:13,541
<i>[inhales sharply]</i>

124
00:06:16,210 --> 00:06:18,129
<i>[shivers] "Are you home?"</i>

125
00:06:20,131 --> 00:06:22,299
<i>[shivers] "It's so cold."</i>

126
00:06:23,259 --> 00:06:24,885
<i>"Aren't you cold, Melissa?"</i>

127
00:06:25,386 --> 00:06:26,220
<i>"I'm cold."</i>

128
00:06:26,303 --> 00:06:28,264
<i>"I'm cold looking at you."</i>

129
00:06:30,307 --> 00:06:32,810
<i>"Why aren't you wearing</i>
<i>any socks or slippers?"</i>

130
00:06:32,893 --> 00:06:34,728
<i>"That's why you always get sick."</i>

131
00:06:34,812 --> 00:06:36,647
<i>"Here. Take my slippers."</i>

132
00:06:36,730 --> 00:06:38,441
<i>"No, Mom. I like being barefoot."</i>

133
00:06:38,524 --> 00:06:41,026
<i>"Don't worry. I got spares in my pockets."</i>

134
00:06:42,570 --> 00:06:44,738
<i>"Don't give me that attitude. Okay?"</i>

135
00:06:46,073 --> 00:06:47,199
<i>"Anyway…"</i>

136
00:06:47,283 --> 00:06:49,076
<i>And her arms get higher.</i>

137
00:06:53,038 --> 00:06:54,415
<i>"What are you wearing?"</i>

138
00:06:55,249 --> 00:06:58,919
<i>"I don't like how you dress.</i>
<i>You can look nicer. You're on a show now."</i>

139
00:06:59,795 --> 00:07:02,423
<i>I'm like, "Mom, this is my style."</i>
<i>"All right."</i>

140
00:07:03,382 --> 00:07:04,508
<i>"I don't get it."</i>

141
00:07:05,759 --> 00:07:07,219
<i>"You can always ask me."</i>

142
00:07:07,303 --> 00:07:10,681
<i>"You could borrow my Burberry stuff,</i>
<i>or my Michael Kors."</i>

143
00:07:10,764 --> 00:07:12,141
<i>"I hate Michael Kors, Mom."</i>

144
00:07:12,224 --> 00:07:14,226
<i>"Everyone likes Michael Kors."</i>

145
00:07:14,935 --> 00:07:16,312
<i>"They respect him."</i>

146
00:07:17,897 --> 00:07:18,898
<i>"Anyway…"</i>

147
00:07:22,860 --> 00:07:24,904
<i>"Your mustache is coming in."</i>

148
00:07:24,987 --> 00:07:27,490
<i>"Take care of that. You're on a show now!"</i>

149
00:07:29,575 --> 00:07:31,494
<i>"You see my new chair I bought?"</i>

150
00:07:31,994 --> 00:07:32,912
<i>"HomeGoods."</i>

151
00:07:33,454 --> 00:07:36,165
<i>"Don't touch it.</i>
<i>Your hands are stinky."</i>

152
00:07:36,248 --> 00:07:37,249
<i>[laughs]</i>

153
00:07:38,250 --> 00:07:39,376
<i>"Anyway…"</i>

154
00:07:41,128 --> 00:07:43,172
<i>"You wanna go with me to Costco tomorrow?"</i>

155
00:07:43,255 --> 00:07:44,632
<i>"No. I hate Costco."</i>

156
00:07:44,715 --> 00:07:47,551
<i>"God. I'll buy you a pizza."</i>

157
00:07:47,635 --> 00:07:48,469
<i>"Okay."</i>

158
00:07:49,803 --> 00:07:51,055
<i>[chuckles]</i>

159
00:07:51,138 --> 00:07:53,224
<i>[audience cheers and applauds]</i>

160
00:07:53,307 --> 00:07:54,391
<i>Thank you.</i>

161
00:07:56,602 --> 00:07:58,187
<i>I like going to lunch with my mom.</i>

162
00:07:58,270 --> 00:08:00,773
<i>That's our thing when he hang out.</i>
<i>Okay? Lunch.</i>

163
00:08:00,856 --> 00:08:04,777
<i>But when we do go,</i>
<i>I make her drive the car every time.</i>

164
00:08:04,860 --> 00:08:08,113
<i>I don't wanna drive</i>
<i>because my mom is a backseat driver.</i>

165
00:08:08,197 --> 00:08:11,200
<i>She comments on my driving</i>
<i>and she knows it pisses me off.</i>

166
00:08:11,283 --> 00:08:13,410
<i>So she whispers everything</i>
<i>about my driving.</i>

167
00:08:13,494 --> 00:08:16,288
<i>Which is just worse</i>
<i>'cause I could still hear her,</i>

168
00:08:16,372 --> 00:08:19,750
<i>and everything she's saying</i>
<i>sounds so dirty to my innocent ears.</i>

169
00:08:20,584 --> 00:08:22,503
<i>With the whispers,</i>
<i>I hear her just go…</i>

170
00:08:22,586 --> 00:08:24,046
<i>[inhales] "Slow down."</i>

171
00:08:26,173 --> 00:08:28,384
<i>"Too fast." Ugh!</i>

172
00:08:28,467 --> 00:08:31,095
<i>She's in the passenger's seat</i>
<i>holding on to that rail.</i>

173
00:08:31,679 --> 00:08:36,475
<i>And she's, like, pressing the…</i>
<i>I guess there's a brake pedal on that side</i>

174
00:08:36,559 --> 00:08:39,853
<i>I didn't know about 'cause she's pressing.</i>
<i>She's just… [grunts softly]</i>

175
00:08:41,105 --> 00:08:43,107
<i>[moans] "Slow!"</i>

176
00:08:43,190 --> 00:08:44,358
<i>"We're still parked."</i>

177
00:08:44,441 --> 00:08:45,276
<i>"Ay!"</i>

178
00:08:46,151 --> 00:08:47,695
<i>[inhales sharply]</i>

179
00:08:47,778 --> 00:08:49,530
<i>"Slow down."</i>

180
00:08:49,613 --> 00:08:52,658
<i>"Stop it."</i>

181
00:08:53,158 --> 00:08:54,326
<i>"Ay!"</i>

182
00:08:55,077 --> 00:08:56,662
<i>"Take it easy."</i>

183
00:08:57,329 --> 00:08:58,664
<i>"Take it easy."</i>

184
00:08:58,747 --> 00:09:00,624
<i>[scoffs] "It's so cold."</i>

185
00:09:02,459 --> 00:09:04,837
<i>[inhales sharply] "Ay!"</i>

186
00:09:05,421 --> 00:09:07,006
<i>"We're not in a rush."</i>

187
00:09:09,258 --> 00:09:10,467
<i>"Oh, my back!"</i>

188
00:09:12,428 --> 00:09:13,470
<i>[laughs]</i>

189
00:09:14,430 --> 00:09:17,725
<i>"Ooh! There's a spot.</i>
<i>Right there, right there, right there!"</i>

190
00:09:17,808 --> 00:09:18,809
<i>"Ah!"</i>

191
00:09:19,435 --> 00:09:20,811
<i>"You missed it."</i>

192
00:09:21,729 --> 00:09:24,148
<i>"Now we gotta park in the rear." "Nasty!"</i>

193
00:09:24,231 --> 00:09:25,649
<i>[imitates brakes screeching]</i>

194
00:09:25,733 --> 00:09:27,860
<i>[laughs]</i>

195
00:09:28,861 --> 00:09:31,030
<i>-[audience cheers]</i>
<i>-It's all true.</i>

196
00:09:35,576 --> 00:09:37,620
<i>My dad is a funny guy too.</i>

197
00:09:37,703 --> 00:09:39,163
<i>He's opposite as my mom.</i>

198
00:09:39,246 --> 00:09:43,459
<i>My mom is so brutal, so honest.</i>
<i>It hurts, but it's funny.</i>

199
00:09:43,542 --> 00:09:47,129
<i>Um, my dad is the opposite.</i>
<i>He's so sensitive. He's a people pleaser.</i>

200
00:09:47,212 --> 00:09:50,132
<i>He's jolly.</i>
<i>He wants to make everyone smile.</i>

201
00:09:50,215 --> 00:09:52,092
<i>He loves musicals.</i>

202
00:09:52,176 --> 00:09:54,261
<i>My mom hates musicals.</i>

203
00:09:54,345 --> 00:09:56,388
<i>I've been in my dad's truck</i>
<i>when he's driving</i>

204
00:09:56,472 --> 00:09:58,432
<i>and the song from </i>Grease
<i>comes on the radio.</i>

205
00:09:58,515 --> 00:10:00,684
<i>♪ But now there's nowhere… ♪</i>

206
00:10:00,768 --> 00:10:02,686
<i>And my dad's like, "Oh, yeah."</i>

207
00:10:03,437 --> 00:10:05,022
<i>My mom's just over here like…</i>

208
00:10:05,105 --> 00:10:06,023
<i>"I…</i>

209
00:10:06,899 --> 00:10:08,275
<i>I hate </i>Grease<i>."</i>

210
00:10:08,942 --> 00:10:10,569
<i>"I hate Danny Zuko."</i>

211
00:10:13,030 --> 00:10:16,450
<i>One of those sleepy nights, too,</i>
<i>my mom came up to me and said,</i>

212
00:10:16,533 --> 00:10:19,953
<i>"I just had a dream</i>
<i>that your dad turned gay on me."</i>

213
00:10:20,037 --> 00:10:22,498
<i>-[audience exclaims]</i>
<i>-Which is like… [laughs]</i>

214
00:10:22,581 --> 00:10:26,126
<i>I guess she thinks that 'cause every year</i>
<i>on his birthday in September,</i>

215
00:10:26,210 --> 00:10:29,380
<i>he'll put on </i>Singing in the Rain.
<i>That's his favorite movie. Okay?</i>

216
00:10:29,463 --> 00:10:31,173
<i>He'll put it on and dance like…</i>

217
00:10:31,256 --> 00:10:33,467
<i>♪ I'm singing in the rain ♪</i>

218
00:10:33,550 --> 00:10:36,637
<i>And she probably looks over</i>
<i>and is just like, "I knew it."</i>

219
00:10:39,139 --> 00:10:39,973
<i>Poor Dad.</i>

220
00:10:41,392 --> 00:10:45,020
<i>Their dynamic</i>
<i>is just like John Candy and Steve Martin's</i>

221
00:10:45,104 --> 00:10:47,690
<i>in </i>Planes, Trains &amp; Automobiles.
<i>Remember that?</i>

222
00:10:48,190 --> 00:10:50,192
<i>They argue like in that movie.</i>

223
00:10:50,275 --> 00:10:52,861
<i>I hear my parents in the room.</i>
<i>I hear my mom go,</i>

224
00:10:52,945 --> 00:10:54,446
<i>"Hey, Mike. Mike."</i>

225
00:10:54,530 --> 00:10:57,282
<i>"Not everyone needs to like you. Okay?"</i>

226
00:10:57,366 --> 00:11:00,994
<i>"You don't need everybody to like you.</i>
<i>People don't like me. I'm okay."</i>

227
00:11:01,078 --> 00:11:03,956
<i>"You don't see me crying. I don't care."</i>

228
00:11:04,039 --> 00:11:05,624
<i>My dad's like, "Stop it, Lupe."</i>

229
00:11:05,708 --> 00:11:08,794
<i>"I was trying to make the kids laugh.</i>
<i>They had a rough week."</i>

230
00:11:09,378 --> 00:11:12,673
<i>"They don't like you, Mike.</i>
<i>Nobody likes you."</i>

231
00:11:13,465 --> 00:11:15,509
<i>I walk in like,</i>
<i>"Mom, Dad, are you guys okay?"</i>

232
00:11:15,592 --> 00:11:18,595
<i>"I'm okay. Your dad's crying."</i>

233
00:11:19,471 --> 00:11:20,848
<i>"Nobody likes him."</i>

234
00:11:21,932 --> 00:11:22,933
<i>[laughs]</i>

235
00:11:25,102 --> 00:11:28,147
<i>She's a bully.</i>
<i>He's also a little dorky too.</i>

236
00:11:28,230 --> 00:11:32,109
<i>When he dances, he dances like this.</i>
<i>Okay? [laughs]</i>

237
00:11:32,192 --> 00:11:34,278
<i>Sometimes my mom</i>
<i>will look at him and be like,</i>

238
00:11:34,361 --> 00:11:37,531
<i>"If I knew you at school,</i>
<i>I'd beat you up." Damn!</i>

239
00:11:40,242 --> 00:11:42,035
<i>I come from a Mexican family.</i>

240
00:11:42,119 --> 00:11:44,204
<i>-I gotta share that.</i>
<i>-[audience cheers]</i>

241
00:11:44,288 --> 00:11:46,290
<i>Any Mexicans? Yeah.</i>

242
00:11:47,583 --> 00:11:49,543
<i>[sighs] Not a lot of people believe me.</i>

243
00:11:49,626 --> 00:11:52,796
<i>I do get a lot of people saying,</i>
<i>"Oh, you don't look Mexican."</i>

244
00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:54,298
<i>And I get so apologetic.</i>

245
00:11:54,381 --> 00:11:57,009
<i>I'm like, "Oh, I'm so sorry!</i>
<i>I forgot my sombrero."</i>

246
00:11:57,092 --> 00:12:00,053
<i>"Oh! Did I not roll my R's enough?"</i>

247
00:12:00,137 --> 00:12:03,182
<i>"Sorrrry." And I have to just salsa away.</i>

248
00:12:04,057 --> 00:12:05,184
<i>"Sorrrry."</i>

249
00:12:07,311 --> 00:12:10,522
<i>But I am very Americanized.</i>
<i>Okay? Second-generation.</i>

250
00:12:10,606 --> 00:12:14,568
<i>[laughs] I didn't keep up</i>
<i>with my Spanish as a kid.</i>

251
00:12:14,651 --> 00:12:17,738
<i>-Um, but I'm learning it now. Okay?</i>
<i>-[audience cheers]</i>

252
00:12:17,821 --> 00:12:19,072
<i>I'm learning it 'cause I…</i>

253
00:12:19,156 --> 00:12:21,867
<i>Yeah. A lot of relatives of mine</i>
<i>only speak in Spanish.</i>

254
00:12:21,950 --> 00:12:24,369
<i>Okay? Like my grandma, my </i>abuelita<i>.</i>

255
00:12:24,453 --> 00:12:27,748
<i>I don't know who she is,</i>
<i>and that's not right. You know?</i>

256
00:12:27,831 --> 00:12:31,084
<i>It's not right that when I see her</i>
<i>I just nod and smile.</i>

257
00:12:31,585 --> 00:12:33,504
<i>"Hey, </i>Abuelita<i>. How's it going?"</i>

258
00:12:34,004 --> 00:12:37,716
<i>She doesn't care. She could sit there,</i>
<i>stare at me. She's so proud. Just…</i>

259
00:12:43,347 --> 00:12:44,348
<i>"Ay."</i>

260
00:12:45,516 --> 00:12:47,184
<i>[imitating in Spanish]</i>

261
00:12:55,567 --> 00:12:58,487
<i>[laughs] "Thanks. You're </i>bonita<i> too."</i>

262
00:13:00,155 --> 00:13:01,448
<i>"Don't forget."</i>

263
00:13:02,491 --> 00:13:05,202
<i>"Ay. Sí, sí."</i>

264
00:13:06,495 --> 00:13:08,622
<i>Then she'll talk to other ones in Spanish.</i>

265
00:13:08,705 --> 00:13:10,707
<i>[imitating in Spanish]</i>

266
00:13:14,753 --> 00:13:16,296
<i>[imitates laughing]</i>

267
00:13:18,966 --> 00:13:21,468
<i>[imitates in Spanish]</i>

268
00:13:25,013 --> 00:13:27,432
<i>"I know I'm </i>loca<i>. You too, huh?"</i>

269
00:13:27,516 --> 00:13:28,809
<i>"No. Me, no."</i>

270
00:13:33,146 --> 00:13:35,691
<i>[continues speaking Spanish]</i>

271
00:13:36,233 --> 00:13:37,234
<i>[kisses teeth]</i>

272
00:13:37,985 --> 00:13:39,027
<i>[sadly] </i>"<i>Ay."</i>

273
00:13:45,200 --> 00:13:48,704
<i>"What? The tone changed. What are you</i>
<i>saying over there? I don't like this."</i>

274
00:13:49,413 --> 00:13:51,790
<i>[continues imitating sadly]</i>

275
00:13:53,709 --> 00:13:55,085
<i>"What the hell?"</i>

276
00:13:55,168 --> 00:13:56,211
<i>"Ay."</i>

277
00:13:56,795 --> 00:13:59,298
<i>"</i>Estúpida gringa, no hablas español."

278
00:14:01,008 --> 00:14:02,259
<i>"Fair enough."</i>

279
00:14:04,469 --> 00:14:06,096
<i>So that's my great-grandma's voice.</i>

280
00:14:06,179 --> 00:14:09,933
<i>I gotta share. Don't get sad.</i>
<i>She recently passed away. Okay?</i>

281
00:14:10,017 --> 00:14:11,727
<i>But she was 105.</i>

282
00:14:11,810 --> 00:14:14,855
<i>-Just what a badass. She was the best.</i>
<i>-[audience applauds]</i>

283
00:14:17,399 --> 00:14:21,111
<i>I was thinking, one of my favorite</i>
<i>memories of my </i>abuelita <i>was when…</i>

284
00:14:21,194 --> 00:14:23,989
<i>[laughs] …one Christmas Eve bash,</i>

285
00:14:24,072 --> 00:14:26,533
<i>uh, she peed on our couch, and…</i>

286
00:14:26,617 --> 00:14:28,994
<i>Look. At that point,</i>
<i>you've earned it in life.</i>

287
00:14:29,077 --> 00:14:31,163
<i>Go everywhere. It's an honor.</i>

288
00:14:31,246 --> 00:14:34,416
<i>But I remember that Christmas Eve.</i>
<i>Everyone left. It was midnight.</i>

289
00:14:34,499 --> 00:14:36,793
<i>We saw a little puddle</i>
<i>on the cushion, the couch.</i>

290
00:14:36,877 --> 00:14:39,004
<i>We didn't know if it was wine or piss.</i>

291
00:14:39,087 --> 00:14:40,797
<i>And we're being silly at that hour.</i>

292
00:14:40,881 --> 00:14:43,383
<i>My mom grabbed the cushion, she was like,</i>

293
00:14:44,009 --> 00:14:44,885
<i>"Smell it."</i>

294
00:14:46,428 --> 00:14:49,389
<i>And I love sniffing things.</i>
<i>So I went in there. [sniffs]</i>

295
00:14:49,473 --> 00:14:51,183
<i>And now I speak Spanish.</i>

296
00:14:51,892 --> 00:14:54,311
<i>I said… [speaks Spanish]</i>

297
00:14:57,397 --> 00:14:59,024
<i>[laughs]</i>

298
00:15:01,401 --> 00:15:05,489
<i>I love my culture, but as a kid,</i>
<i>I was a brat. I didn't appreciate it.</i>

299
00:15:05,572 --> 00:15:06,823
<i>I was a little brat.</i>

300
00:15:06,907 --> 00:15:10,869
<i>We would have Mexican food all the time.</i>
<i>A lot of beans in our house. Okay?</i>

301
00:15:10,953 --> 00:15:14,206
<i>And I'd complain to my mom. I'd be like,</i>
<i>"I don't want any more beans."</i>

302
00:15:14,289 --> 00:15:15,916
<i>"No more beans!"</i>

303
00:15:15,999 --> 00:15:18,001
<i>"I want fettuccine alfredo."</i>

304
00:15:19,711 --> 00:15:21,213
<i>I didn't get any alfredo.</i>

305
00:15:21,296 --> 00:15:23,548
<i>The only alfredo I got</i>
<i>was just my </i>tío<i> Alfredo,</i>

306
00:15:23,632 --> 00:15:25,217
<i>and he just brought more beans.</i>

307
00:15:26,051 --> 00:15:27,386
<i>[laughs]</i>

308
00:15:30,931 --> 00:15:34,935
<i>I think my grandma would be really happy</i>
<i>to know that I do have a </i>novio.

309
00:15:35,018 --> 00:15:36,561
<i>Okay? I have a boyfriend.</i>

310
00:15:36,645 --> 00:15:38,480
<i>[audience cheers]</i>

311
00:15:41,066 --> 00:15:44,027
<i>I do. And you know what?</i>
<i>I'm really grateful. Okay?</i>

312
00:15:44,111 --> 00:15:46,279
<i>I hate dating. I really do.</i>

313
00:15:46,363 --> 00:15:48,657
<i>I hate it because…</i>
<i>Why, every date… [groans]</i>

314
00:15:49,533 --> 00:15:53,161
<i>[sighs] I hate dating</i>
<i>because I'm hilarious.</i>

315
00:15:54,705 --> 00:15:57,416
<i>-And most of the… Look. I--</i>
<i>-[audience cheers]</i>

316
00:16:01,044 --> 00:16:04,965
<i>Most of the dates I've gone on,</i>
<i>I'm just there cracking up alone.</i>

317
00:16:05,048 --> 00:16:07,884
<i>Just killing it. You know?</i>
<i>And the guy doesn't get me.</i>

318
00:16:07,968 --> 00:16:11,013
<i>I'm like, "Man, I can't wait</i>
<i>to get home to hang out with me."</i>

319
00:16:11,513 --> 00:16:12,806
<i>"I'm hilarious."</i>

320
00:16:12,889 --> 00:16:14,057
<i>[chuckles]</i>

321
00:16:15,058 --> 00:16:17,019
<i>Also, I don't like flirting.</i>

322
00:16:17,102 --> 00:16:19,521
<i>It's not… It doesn't work for me.</i>

323
00:16:19,604 --> 00:16:21,690
<i>With my voice? Flirting?</i>

324
00:16:23,316 --> 00:16:26,820
<i>I realized when I flirt</i>
<i>I sound like a proud dad.</i>

325
00:16:26,903 --> 00:16:30,115
<i>That's my energy.</i>
<i>When I flirt with guys in the past,</i>

326
00:16:30,198 --> 00:16:32,451
<i>I'm like, "Hey.</i>
<i>You look really nice tonight."</i>

327
00:16:32,534 --> 00:16:34,327
<i>"Man, I like your jacket."</i>

328
00:16:34,411 --> 00:16:37,080
<i>"Yeah. You look really sharp,</i>
<i>my boy." [groans]</i>

329
00:16:37,873 --> 00:16:40,709
<i>"Damn it. Forget that I said 'my boy.'"</i>

330
00:16:41,668 --> 00:16:44,504
<i>"Well, anyway, finish your homework."</i>

331
00:16:45,172 --> 00:16:46,214
<i>[laughs]</i>

332
00:16:49,509 --> 00:16:53,096
<i>My boyfriend,</i>
<i>I gotta brag, he is a violinist.</i>

333
00:16:53,180 --> 00:16:55,015
<i>-[audience cheers]</i>
<i>-A good one. Not a bad one.</i>

334
00:16:55,098 --> 00:16:57,726
<i>Yeah. [chuckles] He really is.</i>

335
00:16:57,809 --> 00:17:01,063
<i>I mean, how many violinists do you meet?</i>
<i>How many violins do you meet?</i>

336
00:17:01,730 --> 00:17:04,357
<i>Not many. Um… [clears throat]</i>

337
00:17:04,441 --> 00:17:06,568
<i>Sometimes I'll hear him</i>
<i>playing the violin.</i>

338
00:17:07,152 --> 00:17:08,487
<i>In a room, just…</i>

339
00:17:08,570 --> 00:17:11,448
<i>[mimics violin]</i>

340
00:17:12,240 --> 00:17:14,284
<i>And it's spooky. You know?</i>

341
00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:16,953
<i>I get anxiety.</i>
<i>I start feeling like I'm on the Titanic.</i>

342
00:17:17,037 --> 00:17:19,372
<i>You know when it's sinking,</i>
<i>the violin people come out…</i>

343
00:17:19,456 --> 00:17:22,459
<i>[mimics violin]</i>
<i>So I just start grabbing all my valuables.</i>

344
00:17:22,542 --> 00:17:26,296
<i>I'm like, "Quick. Get some oatmeal.</i>
<i>Get my dog. Get a slab of wood."</i>

345
00:17:26,379 --> 00:17:28,465
<i>He's like, "What are you doing</i>
<i>with my wood door?"</i>

346
00:17:28,548 --> 00:17:30,717
<i>I'm like,</i>
<i>"Women and children first, bitch."</i>

347
00:17:32,052 --> 00:17:33,303
<i>[laughs]</i>

348
00:17:36,056 --> 00:17:37,140
<i>He's a sweetheart.</i>

349
00:17:37,224 --> 00:17:40,894
<i>I mean, he played the violin</i>
<i>at my </i>abuelita's<i> funeral.</i>

350
00:17:40,977 --> 00:17:42,979
<i>-[audience] Aw.</i>
<i>-Which was really sweet.</i>

351
00:17:43,730 --> 00:17:45,065
<i>But then it was weird.</i>

352
00:17:45,148 --> 00:17:48,777
<i>After Mass, a lot of my aunts</i>
<i>came up after and they told him,</i>

353
00:17:48,860 --> 00:17:50,695
<i>"You gotta play at my funeral too."</i>

354
00:17:50,779 --> 00:17:52,614
<i>-[audience exclaims]</i>
<i>-That's so dark.</i>

355
00:17:52,697 --> 00:17:56,076
<i>Also, that's very weird</i>
<i>'cause he played "Highway to Hell."</i>

356
00:17:56,159 --> 00:17:57,869
<i>You know? [laughs]</i>

357
00:18:02,541 --> 00:18:05,919
<i>At the funeral,</i>
<i>I did hear a little baby cry.</i>

358
00:18:06,002 --> 00:18:07,629
<i>I heard a little… [mimics baby]</i>

359
00:18:08,130 --> 00:18:10,423
<i>-[audience exclaims]</i>
<i>-I know, that's spooky.</i>

360
00:18:11,091 --> 00:18:12,175
<i>I'm gonna do it again.</i>

361
00:18:12,843 --> 00:18:14,845
<i>-[mimics baby]</i>
<i>-[audience exclaims]</i>

362
00:18:15,679 --> 00:18:19,307
<i>I heard the baby and I…</i>
<i>You know, babies always cry in church.</i>

363
00:18:19,391 --> 00:18:21,226
<i>And I thought, you know what?</i>

364
00:18:21,309 --> 00:18:25,147
<i>That's the only time I actually want</i>
<i>to hold a baby, is in church.</i>

365
00:18:25,230 --> 00:18:28,525
<i>Okay? 'Cause they always cry</i>
<i>and that's your ticket out of there.</i>

366
00:18:28,608 --> 00:18:30,193
<i>You hold the baby… [mimics crying]</i>

367
00:18:30,277 --> 00:18:32,112
<i>You're like, "I gotta go.</i>
<i>He's having a fit."</i>

368
00:18:32,195 --> 00:18:33,738
<i>You get outside, you're like,</i>

369
00:18:33,822 --> 00:18:36,700
<i>"Thank you so much, baby.</i>
<i>That was so boring in there."</i>

370
00:18:37,325 --> 00:18:38,243
<i>[chuckles]</i>

371
00:18:40,704 --> 00:18:41,538
<i>[laughs]</i>

372
00:18:42,998 --> 00:18:45,041
<i>My boyfriend is a dad. Okay?</i>

373
00:18:45,125 --> 00:18:47,711
<i>-He has two little boys. And…</i>
<i>-[audience cheers]</i>

374
00:18:47,794 --> 00:18:49,754
<i>You know, I like hanging out with them,</i>

375
00:18:49,838 --> 00:18:52,174
<i>'cause I realized</i>
<i>everything I like is childlike.</i>

376
00:18:52,257 --> 00:18:53,550
<i>So I have a blast.</i>

377
00:18:54,384 --> 00:18:57,888
<i>Sometimes he'll be talking to his kids,</i>
<i>when really he's talking to me.</i>

378
00:18:58,388 --> 00:19:01,266
<i>He'll look at his kids and go,</i>
<i>"Who wants to watch </i>Lion King?"

379
00:19:01,349 --> 00:19:03,685
<i>[yells]</i>

380
00:19:04,686 --> 00:19:06,688
<i>"And Rafiki? Yes!"</i>

381
00:19:07,939 --> 00:19:10,734
<i>"All right. Who wants</i>
<i>mac and cheese over here?" Yeah!</i>

382
00:19:12,277 --> 00:19:13,111
<i>"Me!"</i>

383
00:19:13,195 --> 00:19:14,905
<i>"All right. Who peed their pants?"</i>

384
00:19:14,988 --> 00:19:15,906
<i>"I did."</i>

385
00:19:17,532 --> 00:19:19,242
<i>"I get it after my grandma."</i>

386
00:19:23,163 --> 00:19:25,040
<i>Sometimes I do voices for his kids,</i>

387
00:19:25,123 --> 00:19:29,002
<i>and it boosts my esteem</i>
<i>'cause they crack up at any voice.</i>

388
00:19:29,085 --> 00:19:31,463
<i>I did a Mickey Mouse for them once,</i>
<i>I was like…</i>

389
00:19:31,546 --> 00:19:34,424
<i>[as Mickey] "Hey, boys.</i>
<i>Boy, you're very special. Pluto!"</i>

390
00:19:34,507 --> 00:19:36,593
<i>And they're just like… [laughs]</i>

391
00:19:38,386 --> 00:19:42,557
<i>I did a Minion for them once.</i>
<i>I was like, "Ooh, banana." [laughs]</i>

392
00:19:43,516 --> 00:19:46,603
<i>Ash Ketchum from </i>Pokémon<i>.</i>
<i>The little boy, he goes…</i>

393
00:19:46,686 --> 00:19:49,064
<i>[as Ash] "Hey, Pikachu.</i>
<i>Tell these boys they're special."</i>

394
00:19:49,147 --> 00:19:50,899
<i>[as Pikachu] "Pika, Pikachu!"</i>

395
00:19:51,858 --> 00:19:55,320
<i>[audience cheers and applauds]</i>

396
00:19:57,113 --> 00:20:00,533
<i>But if</i> <i>these kids</i>
<i>don't laugh at my voices,</i>

397
00:20:00,617 --> 00:20:02,953
<i>I have no choice</i>
<i>but to go full Cartman on 'em.</i>

398
00:20:03,036 --> 00:20:05,455
<i>Like… [as Cartman]</i>
<i>"You don't respect my authority!"</i>

399
00:20:05,538 --> 00:20:08,333
<i>"You could just suck my balls.</i>
<i>I'm going home."</i>

400
00:20:09,542 --> 00:20:10,585
<i>They deserve it.</i>

401
00:20:10,669 --> 00:20:11,836
<i>[laughs]</i>

402
00:20:13,755 --> 00:20:15,632
<i>Sometimes when I'm hanging out with them,</i>

403
00:20:15,715 --> 00:20:20,136
<i>my boyfriend will teach them fun facts</i>
<i>that I'm learning for the first time.</i>

404
00:20:20,220 --> 00:20:23,515
<i>Yeah. Like, we went walking</i>
<i>on the sidewalk. Okay?</i>

405
00:20:23,598 --> 00:20:27,227
<i>And he pointed out to them, he was like,</i>
<i>"Kids, look. It's a snail trail."</i>

406
00:20:27,310 --> 00:20:30,146
<i>The little glistening trail</i>
<i>behind the snail.</i>

407
00:20:30,230 --> 00:20:31,106
<i>They didn't care.</i>

408
00:20:31,189 --> 00:20:35,235
<i>But me? I was like, "Oh!</i>
<i>Are you serious? The snail's doing that?"</i>

409
00:20:36,152 --> 00:20:38,613
<i>I didn't know. 33,</i>
<i>I'm like, "I didn't know!"</i>

410
00:20:39,364 --> 00:20:42,117
<i>I got so excited,</i>
<i>I went home and was like, "Oh!"</i>

411
00:20:42,951 --> 00:20:44,577
<i>I googled "snail trail."</i>

412
00:20:44,661 --> 00:20:46,496
<i>Don't google "snail trail."</i>

413
00:20:47,414 --> 00:20:50,292
<i>Unless you like nasty stuff. Go for it.</i>

414
00:20:51,710 --> 00:20:54,963
<i>Look, I love learning fun facts. Okay?</i>

415
00:20:55,046 --> 00:20:57,424
<i>'Cause I like sharing</i>
<i>fun facts with my friends,</i>

416
00:20:57,507 --> 00:20:59,509
<i>'cause I just want them to think,</i>

417
00:20:59,592 --> 00:21:02,178
<i>"Man, Melissa has</i>
<i>some smart things up her sleeve."</i>

418
00:21:03,596 --> 00:21:06,808
<i>But you know what bugs me?</i>
<i>The minute someone questions my fun fact,</i>

419
00:21:06,891 --> 00:21:08,893
<i>that's when I lose all confidence.</i>

420
00:21:09,394 --> 00:21:11,688
<i>I was hiking with my boyfriend</i>
<i>and I was like,</i>

421
00:21:11,771 --> 00:21:14,983
<i>"Hey. That's poison ivy over there.</i>
<i>And you know how you know?"</i>

422
00:21:15,066 --> 00:21:17,193
<i>"Leaves of three, let them be."</i>

423
00:21:18,028 --> 00:21:19,654
<i>And he goes, "Oh, really?"</i>

424
00:21:20,780 --> 00:21:21,698
<i>"I don't know."</i>

425
00:21:22,490 --> 00:21:24,617
<i>"I don't know.</i>
<i>I think I read it somewhere."</i>

426
00:21:24,701 --> 00:21:27,579
<i>"I don't know. Don't quote me!</i>
<i>Don't go tell all your friends."</i>

427
00:21:27,662 --> 00:21:28,997
<i>"God! Now I'm pissed."</i>

428
00:21:29,080 --> 00:21:31,624
<i>"How about</i>
<i>you roll around in there and find out."</i>

429
00:21:37,505 --> 00:21:38,465
<i>[laughs]</i>

430
00:21:39,257 --> 00:21:42,010
<i>He's got a good sense of humor.</i>
<i>I'm really grateful for that.</i>

431
00:21:42,093 --> 00:21:45,513
<i>'Cause I've gone out with guys</i>
<i>that don't laugh at the same things as me,</i>

432
00:21:45,597 --> 00:21:47,807
<i>and it's like, that's the worst.</i>

433
00:21:47,891 --> 00:21:49,559
<i>You're just alone. You know?</i>

434
00:21:50,060 --> 00:21:52,312
<i>I was seeing a guy a few years ago.</i>

435
00:21:52,395 --> 00:21:53,563
<i>We went to Mexico,</i>

436
00:21:53,646 --> 00:21:56,066
<i>and something happened</i>
<i>in Mexico where I was like,</i>

437
00:21:56,149 --> 00:21:58,360
<i>"It's not gonna work.</i>
<i>He didn't laugh at me."</i>

438
00:21:58,860 --> 00:22:01,529
<i>We were on a little boat.</i>
<i>Okay? </i>Pobrecito.

439
00:22:01,613 --> 00:22:03,531
<i>He set it up at sunset.</i>

440
00:22:03,615 --> 00:22:05,825
<i>One of those</i>
<i>little colorful boats in Mexico.</i>

441
00:22:05,909 --> 00:22:07,827
<i>It's just me and him on the boat. Just…</i>

442
00:22:10,455 --> 00:22:14,084
<i>And I look at his ass.</i>
<i>I'm allowed to. I was dating him. Okay?</i>

443
00:22:14,584 --> 00:22:17,670
<i>I see his pants are a little low.</i>
<i>Top of the crack is showing.</i>

444
00:22:18,171 --> 00:22:20,924
<i>Now what do you do</i>
<i>if you see a little bit of the crack?</i>

445
00:22:21,007 --> 00:22:22,550
<i>You give it a little boop.</i>

446
00:22:23,968 --> 00:22:27,472
<i>That's… My brain immediately was,</i>
<i>"Yeah. You boop it of course."</i>

447
00:22:28,139 --> 00:22:30,934
<i>Don't keep your finger in there long.</i>
<i>Just a quick…</i>

448
00:22:31,643 --> 00:22:34,979
<i>So I saw the crack and I was like…</i>
<i>[chuckles] "Cool. I'm going in."</i>

449
00:22:36,314 --> 00:22:38,942
<i>Boop. [laughs]</i>

450
00:22:39,025 --> 00:22:41,444
<i>He goes, "Don't do that.</i>
<i>I don't like that."</i>

451
00:22:43,863 --> 00:22:46,199
<i>"Really?" He's like, "I don't like it."</i>

452
00:22:47,492 --> 00:22:49,035
<i>So we get to the land.</i>

453
00:22:49,869 --> 00:22:51,996
<i>And I'm just like, "Oh, my gosh."</i>

454
00:22:52,747 --> 00:22:54,499
<i>You know when something's funny to you</i>

455
00:22:54,582 --> 00:22:57,710
<i>but the other person's not having it,</i>
<i>it just makes you laugh harder?</i>

456
00:22:57,794 --> 00:22:59,462
<i>That's what was happening to me.</i>

457
00:22:59,546 --> 00:23:02,173
<i>I was like, "Don't think about it anymore.</i>
<i>Let it go."</i>

458
00:23:02,257 --> 00:23:04,384
<i>But no. I kept hearing it</i>
<i>in my mind on a loop.</i>

459
00:23:04,467 --> 00:23:08,471
<i>I kept hearing, "Boop, 'Don't do that.'</i>
<i>Boop, 'Don't do that.'"</i>

460
00:23:08,555 --> 00:23:11,182
<i>And I never felt more alone,</i>
<i>just laughing.</i>

461
00:23:12,892 --> 00:23:15,103
<i>The trip ended</i>
<i>and I was like, "I gotta end it."</i>

462
00:23:15,186 --> 00:23:16,020
<i>I called him.</i>

463
00:23:16,104 --> 00:23:20,191
<i>"It's not gonna work out. We don't laugh</i>
<i>at the same things, and that's okay."</i>

464
00:23:20,275 --> 00:23:23,611
<i>He goes, "Give me an example of when</i>
<i>we didn't laugh at the same thing."</i>

465
00:23:24,112 --> 00:23:25,572
<i>Ay-ay-ay.</i>

466
00:23:27,157 --> 00:23:30,493
<i>"Well, that time</i>
<i>on the boat when I booped you."</i>

467
00:23:31,077 --> 00:23:32,912
<i>"Booped you on the boat."</i>

468
00:23:32,996 --> 00:23:36,166
<i>He goes, "Well, I don't like that.</i>
<i>Growing up, my dad did that."</i>

469
00:23:36,249 --> 00:23:38,293
<i>-[audience members] Aw!</i>
<i>-[laughs]</i>

470
00:23:39,169 --> 00:23:40,211
<i>Every time.</i>

471
00:23:41,379 --> 00:23:43,047
<i>And I said, "Oh, interesting."</i>

472
00:23:43,548 --> 00:23:45,216
<i>[seductively] "Your dad sounds great."</i>

473
00:23:45,967 --> 00:23:49,679
<i>"Is he still with your mom?</i>
<i>'Cause I wanna boop all night long."</i>

474
00:23:50,555 --> 00:23:51,473
<i>Pobrecito.</i>

475
00:23:53,224 --> 00:23:55,643
<i>On that trip in Mexico</i>
<i>he wanted to go to church,</i>

476
00:23:55,727 --> 00:23:58,480
<i>and I'm kind of a little brat</i>
<i>on vacations,</i>

477
00:23:58,563 --> 00:24:01,232
<i>and I was on a break from </i>SNL,
<i>and I was like,</i>

478
00:24:01,316 --> 00:24:03,151
<i>"I don't wanna go to church."</i>

479
00:24:03,234 --> 00:24:05,236
<i>"I don't wanna go. No!"</i>

480
00:24:05,737 --> 00:24:10,366
<i>He takes me to a church, and he was like,</i>
<i>"It's closed 'cause of earthquake damage."</i>

481
00:24:10,450 --> 00:24:12,368
<i>And I just thought, "Oh, thank God."</i>

482
00:24:13,203 --> 00:24:14,913
<i>I'd have to find a baby.</i>

483
00:24:15,997 --> 00:24:17,040
<i>[laughs]</i>

484
00:24:18,208 --> 00:24:19,667
<i>I wanna learn Spanish</i>

485
00:24:19,751 --> 00:24:22,545
<i>so I can bring it in the bedroom</i>
<i>for my boyfriend. Okay?</i>

486
00:24:22,629 --> 00:24:25,256
<i>-[woman whoops]</i>
<i>-But some-- Yeah, it'd be hot.</i>

487
00:24:25,340 --> 00:24:28,343
<i>-[woman trills tongue]</i>
<i>-I've dated guys-- Okay. Take it easy.</i>

488
00:24:28,426 --> 00:24:30,220
<i>I… [laughs]</i>

489
00:24:32,597 --> 00:24:35,308
<i>Like I would do that in bed.</i>
<i>[trills tongue]</i>

490
00:24:36,059 --> 00:24:37,268
<i>[laughs]</i>

491
00:24:41,773 --> 00:24:44,609
<i>[sighs] Maybe I should do that.</i>
<i>That'd be funny.</i>

492
00:24:45,902 --> 00:24:47,153
<i>[laughs]</i>

493
00:24:47,654 --> 00:24:49,906
<i>No. But I wanna learn Spanish</i>
<i>in the bedroom.</i>

494
00:24:49,989 --> 00:24:51,783
<i>Like my… I did date a guy and he…</i>

495
00:24:51,866 --> 00:24:54,035
<i>A few guys have said,</i>
<i>"Hey, you're Mexican."</i>

496
00:24:54,118 --> 00:24:57,539
<i>"So you can do some dirty talk</i>
<i>in Spanish?" And I'm like, "No."</i>

497
00:24:59,082 --> 00:24:59,916
<i>"But…</i>

498
00:25:00,625 --> 00:25:02,752
<i>I could imitate my dead grandma."</i>

499
00:25:04,462 --> 00:25:05,588
<i>"Ay."</i>

500
00:25:07,006 --> 00:25:08,132
<i>"Ay."</i>

501
00:25:09,259 --> 00:25:11,594
<i>[imitating in Spanish]</i>

502
00:25:16,182 --> 00:25:17,141
<i>"Ay."</i>

503
00:25:20,645 --> 00:25:21,646
<i>"Ay."</i>

504
00:25:23,064 --> 00:25:24,566
<i>[imitates laughing]</i>

505
00:25:25,900 --> 00:25:27,819
<i>[imitates in Spanish]</i>

506
00:25:32,824 --> 00:25:33,866
<i>"Ay."</i>

507
00:25:34,576 --> 00:25:35,577
<i>"Ay."</i>

508
00:25:36,286 --> 00:25:37,745
<i>"Ay."</i>

509
00:25:38,246 --> 00:25:40,790
<i>"Ay."</i>

510
00:25:40,873 --> 00:25:42,333
<i>[in English] "In heaven."</i>

511
00:25:42,417 --> 00:25:44,043
<i>-[audience exclaims]</i>
<i>-[laughs]</i>

512
00:25:44,127 --> 00:25:45,545
<i>'Cause she's dead.</i>

513
00:25:46,129 --> 00:25:48,089
<i>-[audience groans]</i>
<i>-[laughs]</i>

514
00:25:48,172 --> 00:25:49,966
<i>[audience members cheering]</i>

515
00:25:51,009 --> 00:25:52,302
<i>[continues laughing]</i>

516
00:25:53,136 --> 00:25:57,640
<i>Look, I know tonight you guys see me</i>
<i>cracking up a lot at my jokes. Okay?</i>

517
00:25:57,724 --> 00:26:00,727
<i>That's my plan every day of my life. But…</i>

518
00:26:02,020 --> 00:26:05,148
<i>[chuckles] So I've thought about it.</i>

519
00:26:05,857 --> 00:26:07,400
<i>When I get old and pass on,</i>

520
00:26:07,483 --> 00:26:11,321
<i>I want my final words</i>
<i>to be words that crack me up. Okay?</i>

521
00:26:11,404 --> 00:26:12,947
<i>I love cracking myself up.</i>

522
00:26:13,031 --> 00:26:16,284
<i>So this is the plan.</i>
<i>I hope to be old, fragile, cozy in a bed.</i>

523
00:26:18,077 --> 00:26:19,370
<i>Family all around.</i>

524
00:26:20,496 --> 00:26:23,750
<i>[in elderly voice] "Grandchildren,</i>
<i>come here. Come."</i>

525
00:26:23,833 --> 00:26:25,710
<i>I'll do that voice too. "Come here."</i>

526
00:26:26,502 --> 00:26:28,838
<i>"There's something important</i>
<i>I must tell you."</i>

527
00:26:31,257 --> 00:26:32,967
<i>[in child's voice] "Yeah, Grandma?"</i>

528
00:26:34,969 --> 00:26:36,137
<i>"I…"</i>

529
00:26:37,180 --> 00:26:38,014
<i>"Yeah?"</i>

530
00:26:39,432 --> 00:26:40,808
<i>"I…"</i>

531
00:26:42,894 --> 00:26:43,728
<i>"Say it."</i>

532
00:26:45,021 --> 00:26:46,397
<i>"I…"</i>

533
00:26:50,943 --> 00:26:53,613
<i>♪ I never made it as a wise man ♪</i>

534
00:26:54,947 --> 00:26:58,076
<i>♪ I couldn't cut it</i>
<i>As a poor man stealing ♪</i>

535
00:26:58,159 --> 00:27:00,745
<i>♪ And that's all I can sing of this song ♪</i>

536
00:27:00,828 --> 00:27:03,623
<i>♪ 'Cause Netflix doesn't have</i>
<i>The rights to this song ♪</i>

537
00:27:03,706 --> 00:27:06,834
<i>♪ And this is all I can sing ♪</i>

538
00:27:06,918 --> 00:27:09,003
<i>[mimics drum solo]</i>

539
00:27:09,087 --> 00:27:14,217
<i>♪ This is all I can bring</i>
<i>Of the Nickelback song ♪</i>

540
00:27:14,300 --> 00:27:15,134
<i>[groans]</i>

541
00:27:16,260 --> 00:27:19,389
<i>[audience cheers and applauds]</i>

542
00:27:24,560 --> 00:27:27,772
<i>[as children] "Was that Nickelback?"</i>
<i>"Yeah. Some of it. Yeah."</i>

543
00:27:28,981 --> 00:27:30,108
<i>"Wait. There's more."</i>

544
00:27:31,150 --> 00:27:32,193
<i>"No."</i>

545
00:27:32,276 --> 00:27:33,569
<i>"Yes."</i>

546
00:27:34,070 --> 00:27:35,446
<i>"No, Grandma. Just go."</i>

547
00:27:35,530 --> 00:27:37,490
<i>"No. How rude. No."</i>

548
00:27:38,449 --> 00:27:39,617
<i>"I say when."</i>

549
00:27:41,202 --> 00:27:42,078
<i>"I…"</i>

550
00:27:42,161 --> 00:27:43,746
<i>"Stop it."</i>

551
00:27:44,288 --> 00:27:45,665
<i>"I…"</i>

552
00:27:45,748 --> 00:27:48,126
<i>♪ I'm not a perfect person</i>… ♪

553
00:27:48,209 --> 00:27:50,712
<i>"Hoobastank. Don't forget.</i>
<i>One of Grandma's favorites."</i>

554
00:27:50,795 --> 00:27:51,629
<i>"Go."</i>

555
00:27:54,674 --> 00:27:57,009
<i>[audience cheers and applauds]</i>

556
00:28:00,513 --> 00:28:01,514
<i>"I gotcha!"</i>

557
00:28:03,057 --> 00:28:05,351
<i>♪ Wake up, put a little bit of makeup</i>
<i>Chop Suey ♪</i>

558
00:28:05,852 --> 00:28:07,520
<i>End it on that. [laughs]</i>

559
00:28:07,603 --> 00:28:09,355
<i>Thank you, guys. [laughs]</i>

560
00:28:09,439 --> 00:28:11,149
<i>[audience cheers]</i>

561
00:28:11,232 --> 00:28:12,608
<i>[indie rock music playing]</i>

562
00:28:14,360 --> 00:28:16,863
<i>[audience cheers enthusiastically]</i>

563
00:28:22,577 --> 00:28:26,664
<i>♪ Dropped down the lights</i>
<i>I'm sitting with you ♪</i>

564
00:28:28,916 --> 00:28:32,962
<i>♪ Moscow, 1972 ♪</i>

565
00:28:35,631 --> 00:28:39,635
<i>♪ Always singing in my sleep ♪</i>

566
00:28:41,888 --> 00:28:46,350
<i>♪ I will leave it in my dreams ♪</i>

567
00:28:47,059 --> 00:28:50,062
<i>♪ Oh, making bad decisions ♪</i>

568
00:28:50,146 --> 00:28:53,483
<i>♪ Oh, I'm making bad decisions ♪</i>

569
00:28:53,566 --> 00:28:58,613
<i>♪ Making bad decisions for you ♪</i>

570
00:28:59,697 --> 00:29:02,617
<i>♪ Oh, making bad decisions ♪</i>

571
00:29:02,700 --> 00:29:06,454
<i>♪ Oh, making bad decisions… ♪</i>