[indie rock music playing]
[host] Everybody welcome Melissa Villaseñor!
[audience cheers wildly]
♪ Bad decisions ♪
♪ I'm making bad decisions ♪
♪ I'm making bad decisions… ♪
Whoo-hoo!
Oh, my gosh.
Ah!
-[cheering continues] -All right. That's…
That's really, really sweet.
Thank you, guys.
Oh, man. That made me feel good. Thank you. Oh!
So good to see your lovely faces.
[cheering]
[sighs] So I'm Melissa.
-Um… -[cheering]
I am someone that does affirmations every day for my self-esteem.
It's, uh, positive self-talk.
I say things like, uh,
"I am funny. I am a great writer."
But I realize my voice sounds so sarcastic,
I don't believe me.
"I am very smart."
Uh.
But, thankfully, I do impressions. So I have a Dolly Parton impression, and…
-[audience cheers] -That…
It's the most uplifting voice there is. You know?
So now I've been saying my affirmations as Dolly, and it just works way better.
[as Dolly Parton] "I am so smart. I am…"
-[audience cheers] -[laughs]
"I am great at what I do."
"I come up with creative ideas all of the time."
[audience cheers]
"I wrote…"
"I wrote 'Jolene.'"
♪ Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene ♪
♪ I'm begging of you Please don't take my man ♪
"See?"
[audience cheers]
[in normal voice] I didn't write "Jolene."
[chuckles]
But it just works great.
[as Dolly] "I am so beautiful. I am lovable. I am capable."
♪ I will always love me ♪
[audience cheers]
"I work hard. I am focused."
"I complete my goals easily."
♪ I work nine to five What a way to make a living ♪
♪ More like 10 to 12 a.m. 'Cause that's all the time I'm given ♪
"'Cause standup's at night. Get it?"
[chuckles]
[in normal voice] I'm always trying to be a better Melissa. Okay?
Right now, something that gets on my nerves about me
is I mumble when I need to be assertive or I need to ask for something.
If I'm at a restaurant and I want to ask the waiter for something,
I never wanna bother them, so my sentences are always backwards.
I'll say, "Uh, rice pudding, do you have it?"
"Arnold Palmer? Do you make those here?"
"Check. We're ready for it." [laughs]
It's always Yoda when I'm nervous. It's backwards.
It's just… [as Yoda] "Rice pudding. Do you have it?"
[in normal voice] Hold on. I haven't done Yoda in a while. Let me practice.
[warms up]
"Arnold Palmer. Do you have… Do you make it?"
Hold… Ah, shit.
[breathes heavily]
[gurgling and straining]
"Check. Do you have… We are ready for it."
Forget it. I don't wanna poop.
-[audience applauds] -[chuckles]
That one, you gotta push.
A lot of impressions that I do, some really help me out.
I was thinking… I do a Sims impression. You know? Remember The Sims?
-[audience cheers] -All… Or maybe you still play it today.
But I do an impression of a sim as a defense mechanism.
If I'm walking alone and feel someone's following me,
I just pretend I'm a sim. That scares them away. I just go…
-[babbles in Simlish] -[audience applauds]
"Hi."
"Hey."
[continues babbling]
If you don't know Sims, look it up later and then you'll have a good laugh.
Look, I gotta say, I'm not the smartest one out there.
Okay? I was thinking… [laughs]
Sometimes I come up with things, I'm like, "No. Why did I think that?"
Recently, I told my friend this. I was like, "Hey. Hear me out."
"I think my boobs are small
because my whole life I've been sleeping on my belly."
"They couldn't grow."
"I squished 'em."
My friend said, "That's not how that works."
I go, "Okay. Don't tell anyone."
[chuckles and scoffs]
I'm very childlike. Okay?
I was thinking about it. Man, I'm such a kid. I…
Look, my parents…
My mom is my bookkeeper. Okay?
She does all my taxes, contracts. I don't read anything.
I'm so grateful for my parents.
They help me out so much with paperwork.
That's why I've decided, when they go, I wanna go.
I don't wanna deal with the paperwork.
I'm kidding. I'll stick around.
I'm really close to my family. I'm from LA. Okay?
Sometimes, just on my breaks from SNL,
I'll go home and I'll crash at my parents' house.
They love it. I don't…
all the time. [laughs]
The nights I don't like spending the night at my parents
is when I come home late from stand-up
or hanging out with my friends. It's like 1:00 a.m.
My mom will always jump out of her bed just to talk and hang out.
'Cause she loves me. I get it.
But it's like, "Not now, Mom. We'll talk tomorrow morning."
I hate talking to my mom at 1:00 a.m.
She's grumpy, she's so honest, she's half-asleep.
One eye's open. Gives me the spooks.
I'll be brushing my teeth,
I'm like, "Oh, I can't wait to hit the pillow."
Then I see her in the mirror coming behind me.
Just looking like a little Disney witch. Just…
[inhales sharply]
[shivers] "Are you home?"
[shivers] "It's so cold."
"Aren't you cold, Melissa?"
"I'm cold."
"I'm cold looking at you."
"Why aren't you wearing any socks or slippers?"
"That's why you always get sick."
"Here. Take my slippers."
"No, Mom. I like being barefoot."
"Don't worry. I got spares in my pockets."
"Don't give me that attitude. Okay?"
"Anyway…"
And her arms get higher.
"What are you wearing?"
"I don't like how you dress. You can look nicer. You're on a show now."
I'm like, "Mom, this is my style." "All right."
"I don't get it."
"You can always ask me."
"You could borrow my Burberry stuff, or my Michael Kors."
"I hate Michael Kors, Mom."
"Everyone likes Michael Kors."
"They respect him."
"Anyway…"
"Your mustache is coming in."
"Take care of that. You're on a show now!"
"You see my new chair I bought?"
"HomeGoods."
"Don't touch it. Your hands are stinky."
[laughs]
"Anyway…"
"You wanna go with me to Costco tomorrow?"
"No. I hate Costco."
"God. I'll buy you a pizza."
"Okay."
[chuckles]
[audience cheers and applauds]
Thank you.
I like going to lunch with my mom.
That's our thing when he hang out. Okay? Lunch.
But when we do go, I make her drive the car every time.
I don't wanna drive because my mom is a backseat driver.
She comments on my driving and she knows it pisses me off.
So she whispers everything about my driving.
Which is just worse 'cause I could still hear her,
and everything she's saying sounds so dirty to my innocent ears.
With the whispers, I hear her just go…
[inhales] "Slow down."
"Too fast." Ugh!
She's in the passenger's seat holding on to that rail.
And she's, like, pressing the… I guess there's a brake pedal on that side
I didn't know about 'cause she's pressing. She's just… [grunts softly]
[moans] "Slow!"
"We're still parked."
"Ay!"
[inhales sharply]
"Slow down."
"Stop it."
"Ay!"
"Take it easy."
[scoffs] "It's so cold."
[inhales sharply] "Ay!"
"We're not in a rush."
"Oh, my back!"
[laughs]
"Ooh! There's a spot. Right there, right there, right there!"
"Ah!"
"You missed it."
"Now we gotta park in the rear." "Nasty!"
[imitates brakes screeching]
[laughs]
-[audience cheers] -It's all true.
My dad is a funny guy too.
He's opposite as my mom.
My mom is so brutal, so honest. It hurts, but it's funny.
Um, my dad is the opposite. He's so sensitive. He's a people pleaser.
He's jolly. He wants to make everyone smile.
He loves musicals.
My mom hates musicals.
I've been in my dad's truck when he's driving
and the song from Grease comes on the radio.
♪ But now there's nowhere… ♪
And my dad's like, "Oh, yeah."
My mom's just over here like…
"I…
I hate Grease."
"I hate Danny Zuko."
One of those sleepy nights, too, my mom came up to me and said,
"I just had a dream that your dad turned gay on me."
-[audience exclaims] -Which is like… [laughs]
I guess she thinks that 'cause every year on his birthday in September,
he'll put on Singing in the Rain. That's his favorite movie. Okay?
He'll put it on and dance like…
♪ I'm singing in the rain ♪
And she probably looks over and is just like, "I knew it."
Poor Dad.
Their dynamic is just like John Candy and Steve Martin's
in Planes, Trains & Automobiles. Remember that?
They argue like in that movie.
I hear my parents in the room. I hear my mom go,
"Hey, Mike. Mike."
"Not everyone needs to like you. Okay?"
"You don't need everybody to like you. People don't like me. I'm okay."
"You don't see me crying. I don't care."
My dad's like, "Stop it, Lupe."
"I was trying to make the kids laugh. They had a rough week."
"They don't like you, Mike. Nobody likes you."
I walk in like, "Mom, Dad, are you guys okay?"
"I'm okay. Your dad's crying."
"Nobody likes him."
[laughs]
She's a bully. He's also a little dorky too.
When he dances, he dances like this. Okay? [laughs]
Sometimes my mom will look at him and be like,
"If I knew you at school, I'd beat you up." Damn!
I come from a Mexican family.
-I gotta share that. -[audience cheers]
Any Mexicans? Yeah.
[sighs] Not a lot of people believe me.
I do get a lot of people saying, "Oh, you don't look Mexican."
And I get so apologetic.
I'm like, "Oh, I'm so sorry! I forgot my sombrero."
"Oh! Did I not roll my R's enough?"
"Sorrrry." And I have to just salsa away.
"Sorrrry."
But I am very Americanized. Okay? Second-generation.
[laughs] I didn't keep up with my Spanish as a kid.
-Um, but I'm learning it now. Okay? -[audience cheers]
I'm learning it 'cause I…
Yeah. A lot of relatives of mine only speak in Spanish.
Okay? Like my grandma, my abuelita.
I don't know who she is, and that's not right. You know?
It's not right that when I see her I just nod and smile.
"Hey, Abuelita. How's it going?"
She doesn't care. She could sit there, stare at me. She's so proud. Just…
"Ay."
[imitating in Spanish]
[laughs] "Thanks. You're bonita too."
"Don't forget."
"Ay. Sí, sí."
Then she'll talk to other ones in Spanish.
[imitating in Spanish]
[imitates laughing]
[imitates in Spanish]
"I know I'm loca. You too, huh?"
"No. Me, no."
[continues speaking Spanish]
[kisses teeth]
[sadly] "Ay."
"What? The tone changed. What are you saying over there? I don't like this."
[continues imitating sadly]
"What the hell?"
"Ay."
"Estúpida gringa, no hablas español."
"Fair enough."
So that's my great-grandma's voice.
I gotta share. Don't get sad. She recently passed away. Okay?
But she was 105.
-Just what a badass. She was the best. -[audience applauds]
I was thinking, one of my favorite memories of my abuelita was when…
[laughs] …one Christmas Eve bash,
uh, she peed on our couch, and…
Look. At that point, you've earned it in life.
Go everywhere. It's an honor.
But I remember that Christmas Eve. Everyone left. It was midnight.
We saw a little puddle on the cushion, the couch.
We didn't know if it was wine or piss.
And we're being silly at that hour.
My mom grabbed the cushion, she was like,
"Smell it."
And I love sniffing things. So I went in there. [sniffs]
And now I speak Spanish.
I said… [speaks Spanish]
[laughs]
I love my culture, but as a kid, I was a brat. I didn't appreciate it.
I was a little brat.
We would have Mexican food all the time. A lot of beans in our house. Okay?
And I'd complain to my mom. I'd be like, "I don't want any more beans."
"No more beans!"
"I want fettuccine alfredo."
I didn't get any alfredo.
The only alfredo I got was just my tío Alfredo,
and he just brought more beans.
[laughs]
I think my grandma would be really happy to know that I do have a novio.
Okay? I have a boyfriend.
[audience cheers]
I do. And you know what? I'm really grateful. Okay?
I hate dating. I really do.
I hate it because… Why, every date… [groans]
[sighs] I hate dating because I'm hilarious.
-And most of the… Look. I-- -[audience cheers]
Most of the dates I've gone on, I'm just there cracking up alone.
Just killing it. You know? And the guy doesn't get me.
I'm like, "Man, I can't wait to get home to hang out with me."
"I'm hilarious."
[chuckles]
Also, I don't like flirting.
It's not… It doesn't work for me.
With my voice? Flirting?
I realized when I flirt I sound like a proud dad.
That's my energy. When I flirt with guys in the past,
I'm like, "Hey. You look really nice tonight."
"Man, I like your jacket."
"Yeah. You look really sharp, my boy." [groans]
"Damn it. Forget that I said 'my boy.'"
"Well, anyway, finish your homework."
[laughs]
My boyfriend, I gotta brag, he is a violinist.
-[audience cheers] -A good one. Not a bad one.
Yeah. [chuckles] He really is.
I mean, how many violinists do you meet? How many violins do you meet?
Not many. Um… [clears throat]
Sometimes I'll hear him playing the violin.
In a room, just…
[mimics violin]
And it's spooky. You know?
I get anxiety. I start feeling like I'm on the Titanic.
You know when it's sinking, the violin people come out…
[mimics violin] So I just start grabbing all my valuables.
I'm like, "Quick. Get some oatmeal. Get my dog. Get a slab of wood."
He's like, "What are you doing with my wood door?"
I'm like, "Women and children first, bitch."
[laughs]
He's a sweetheart.
I mean, he played the violin at my abuelita's funeral.
-[audience] Aw. -Which was really sweet.
But then it was weird.
After Mass, a lot of my aunts came up after and they told him,
"You gotta play at my funeral too."
-[audience exclaims] -That's so dark.
Also, that's very weird 'cause he played "Highway to Hell."
You know? [laughs]
At the funeral, I did hear a little baby cry.
I heard a little… [mimics baby]
-[audience exclaims] -I know, that's spooky.
I'm gonna do it again.
-[mimics baby] -[audience exclaims]
I heard the baby and I… You know, babies always cry in church.
And I thought, you know what?
That's the only time I actually want to hold a baby, is in church.
Okay? 'Cause they always cry and that's your ticket out of there.
You hold the baby… [mimics crying]
You're like, "I gotta go. He's having a fit."
You get outside, you're like,
"Thank you so much, baby. That was so boring in there."
[chuckles]
[laughs]
My boyfriend is a dad. Okay?
-He has two little boys. And… -[audience cheers]
You know, I like hanging out with them,
'cause I realized everything I like is childlike.
So I have a blast.
Sometimes he'll be talking to his kids, when really he's talking to me.
He'll look at his kids and go, "Who wants to watch Lion King?"
[yells]
"And Rafiki? Yes!"
"All right. Who wants mac and cheese over here?" Yeah!
"Me!"
"All right. Who peed their pants?"
"I did."
"I get it after my grandma."
Sometimes I do voices for his kids,
and it boosts my esteem 'cause they crack up at any voice.
I did a Mickey Mouse for them once, I was like…
[as Mickey] "Hey, boys. Boy, you're very special. Pluto!"
And they're just like… [laughs]
I did a Minion for them once. I was like, "Ooh, banana." [laughs]
Ash Ketchum from Pokémon. The little boy, he goes…
[as Ash] "Hey, Pikachu. Tell these boys they're special."
[as Pikachu] "Pika, Pikachu!"
[audience cheers and applauds]
But if these kids don't laugh at my voices,
I have no choice but to go full Cartman on 'em.
Like… [as Cartman] "You don't respect my authority!"
"You could just suck my balls. I'm going home."
They deserve it.
[laughs]
Sometimes when I'm hanging out with them,
my boyfriend will teach them fun facts that I'm learning for the first time.
Yeah. Like, we went walking on the sidewalk. Okay?
And he pointed out to them, he was like, "Kids, look. It's a snail trail."
The little glistening trail behind the snail.
They didn't care.
But me? I was like, "Oh! Are you serious? The snail's doing that?"
I didn't know. 33, I'm like, "I didn't know!"
I got so excited, I went home and was like, "Oh!"
I googled "snail trail."
Don't google "snail trail."
Unless you like nasty stuff. Go for it.
Look, I love learning fun facts. Okay?
'Cause I like sharing fun facts with my friends,
'cause I just want them to think,
"Man, Melissa has some smart things up her sleeve."
But you know what bugs me? The minute someone questions my fun fact,
that's when I lose all confidence.
I was hiking with my boyfriend and I was like,
"Hey. That's poison ivy over there. And you know how you know?"
"Leaves of three, let them be."
And he goes, "Oh, really?"
"I don't know."
"I don't know. I think I read it somewhere."
"I don't know. Don't quote me! Don't go tell all your friends."
"God! Now I'm pissed."
"How about you roll around in there and find out."
[laughs]
He's got a good sense of humor. I'm really grateful for that.
'Cause I've gone out with guys that don't laugh at the same things as me,
and it's like, that's the worst.
You're just alone. You know?
I was seeing a guy a few years ago.
We went to Mexico,
and something happened in Mexico where I was like,
"It's not gonna work. He didn't laugh at me."
We were on a little boat. Okay? Pobrecito.
He set it up at sunset.
One of those little colorful boats in Mexico.
It's just me and him on the boat. Just…
And I look at his ass. I'm allowed to. I was dating him. Okay?
I see his pants are a little low. Top of the crack is showing.
Now what do you do if you see a little bit of the crack?
You give it a little boop.
That's… My brain immediately was, "Yeah. You boop it of course."
Don't keep your finger in there long. Just a quick…
So I saw the crack and I was like… [chuckles] "Cool. I'm going in."
Boop. [laughs]
He goes, "Don't do that. I don't like that."
"Really?" He's like, "I don't like it."
So we get to the land.
And I'm just like, "Oh, my gosh."
You know when something's funny to you
but the other person's not having it, it just makes you laugh harder?
That's what was happening to me.
I was like, "Don't think about it anymore. Let it go."
But no. I kept hearing it in my mind on a loop.
I kept hearing, "Boop, 'Don't do that.' Boop, 'Don't do that.'"
And I never felt more alone, just laughing.
The trip ended and I was like, "I gotta end it."
I called him.
"It's not gonna work out. We don't laugh at the same things, and that's okay."
He goes, "Give me an example of when we didn't laugh at the same thing."
Ay-ay-ay.
"Well, that time on the boat when I booped you."
"Booped you on the boat."
He goes, "Well, I don't like that. Growing up, my dad did that."
-[audience members] Aw! -[laughs]
Every time.
And I said, "Oh, interesting."
[seductively] "Your dad sounds great."
"Is he still with your mom? 'Cause I wanna boop all night long."
Pobrecito.
On that trip in Mexico he wanted to go to church,
and I'm kind of a little brat on vacations,
and I was on a break from SNL, and I was like,
"I don't wanna go to church."
"I don't wanna go. No!"
He takes me to a church, and he was like, "It's closed 'cause of earthquake damage."
And I just thought, "Oh, thank God."
I'd have to find a baby.
[laughs]
I wanna learn Spanish
so I can bring it in the bedroom for my boyfriend. Okay?
-[woman whoops] -But some-- Yeah, it'd be hot.
-[woman trills tongue] -I've dated guys-- Okay. Take it easy.
I… [laughs]
Like I would do that in bed. [trills tongue]
[laughs]
[sighs] Maybe I should do that. That'd be funny.
[laughs]
No. But I wanna learn Spanish in the bedroom.
Like my… I did date a guy and he…
A few guys have said, "Hey, you're Mexican."
"So you can do some dirty talk in Spanish?" And I'm like, "No."
"But…
I could imitate my dead grandma."
"Ay."
[imitating in Spanish]
"Ay."
[imitates laughing]
[imitates in Spanish]
"Ay."
[in English] "In heaven."
-[audience exclaims] -[laughs]
'Cause she's dead.
-[audience groans] -[laughs]
[audience members cheering]
[continues laughing]
Look, I know tonight you guys see me cracking up a lot at my jokes. Okay?
That's my plan every day of my life. But…
[chuckles] So I've thought about it.
When I get old and pass on,
I want my final words to be words that crack me up. Okay?
I love cracking myself up.
So this is the plan. I hope to be old, fragile, cozy in a bed.
Family all around.
[in elderly voice] "Grandchildren, come here. Come."
I'll do that voice too. "Come here."
"There's something important I must tell you."
[in child's voice] "Yeah, Grandma?"
"I…"
"Yeah?"
"I…"
"Say it."
"I…"
♪ I never made it as a wise man ♪
♪ I couldn't cut it As a poor man stealing ♪
♪ And that's all I can sing of this song ♪
♪ 'Cause Netflix doesn't have The rights to this song ♪
♪ And this is all I can sing ♪
[mimics drum solo]
♪ This is all I can bring Of the Nickelback song ♪
[groans]
[audience cheers and applauds]
[as children] "Was that Nickelback?" "Yeah. Some of it. Yeah."
"Wait. There's more."
"No."
"Yes."
"No, Grandma. Just go."
"No. How rude. No."
"I say when."
"I…"
"Stop it."
"I…"
♪ I'm not a perfect person… ♪
"Hoobastank. Don't forget. One of Grandma's favorites."
"Go."
[audience cheers and applauds]
"I gotcha!"
♪ Wake up, put a little bit of makeup Chop Suey ♪
End it on that. [laughs]
Thank you, guys. [laughs]
[audience cheers]
[indie rock music playing]
[audience cheers enthusiastically]
♪ Dropped down the lights I'm sitting with you ♪
♪ Moscow, 1972 ♪
♪ Always singing in my sleep ♪
♪ I will leave it in my dreams ♪
♪ Oh, making bad decisions ♪
♪ Oh, I'm making bad decisions ♪
♪ Making bad decisions for you ♪
♪ Oh, making bad decisions ♪
♪ Oh, making bad decisions… ♪