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‪NETFLIX 喜劇特輯

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{\an8}‪請大家歡迎笑爆全場的賈奈兒詹姆斯

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‪嗨！

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‪嗨！

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‪這麼賞面？

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‪謝謝

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‪大家怎麼這麼精神？我都累死了

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‪外出都很累，你們又那麼…謝謝賞面

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‪我們出門了，各位

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‪有點…那個

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‪是不是？外出？

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‪我們期望太高

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‪隔離時把外出幻想得太美好
‪是不是？

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‪有點名過其實了

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‪像我說的那樣，外出很累人

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‪讓我們期望過高，他們撒謊了
‪明明還說將會是酒神節狂歡！

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‪他們當初是這麼說的

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‪當初明明說會是咆哮的1920年代

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‪他們是這麼說的

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‪結果只有變種肺炎
‪和有人在飛機上打架

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‪平常坐公車的人都改去搭飛機了

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‪這是事實，有平常坐公車的人

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‪航空公司在隔離時期大受打擊

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‪於是就想出：“喲
‪想不想用20塊往返卡波聖盧卡斯？”

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‪平常坐公車的人聽到呼召

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‪趕緊收拾好迷彩行李袋

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‪往天空出發

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‪大家都知道灰狗公車公司
‪被糟塌得如何吧…

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‪現在在高空三萬呎重演

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‪現在肯定亂七八糟

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‪大家都一直找貝索斯麻煩
‪因為他研發火箭

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‪但他很清楚，我們要飛得比公車人高

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‪這就是未來

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‪該死的“亞馬遜航空”

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‪真有才

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‪他才不會上太空

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‪是吧？他沒有去過太空

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‪我不喜歡無論有錢人說甚麼

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‪我們也要照單全收的樣子

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‪他就沒去過太空

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‪有錯請指出，太空應該…

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‪這才是太空，對吧？

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‪那才叫去太空吧？

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‪這位仁兄是這樣…

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‪“有小鳥！”，他才沒有去過太空

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‪那不是…

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‪我不喜歡他，他是個騙子

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‪我在隔離期間甚麼都沒做過

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‪我沒有變得更好，沒有看書

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‪沒有學樂器，通通都沒有

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‪我還以為自己要死了
‪搞東搞西又何苦呢？

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‪何苦呢？

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‪大家都說
‪“妳肯定在隔離期間寫了很多段子”

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‪“沒有，我都準備上天堂了…”

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‪慌張地讀《聖經》啊
‪還寫甚麼段子？

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‪隔離過後變得更好的那些人
‪都是神經病

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‪要是你的腦袋沒有像我一樣
‪幾個月來都亂七八糟

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‪你一定是神經病，好嗎？

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‪真的

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‪有沒有試過用腦子騙上帝說

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‪一直以來都很虔誠
‪每天有讀《聖經》

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‪“上帝，準備好就來吧”，我就是這樣

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‪我隔離的時候就是這樣
‪準備好隨時上天堂

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‪疫情太可怕了

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‪我以前很愛耶穌的

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‪知道嗎？我以前超愛耶穌

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‪棕髮藍眼的耶穌，懂嗎？

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‪懂嗎？自帶腹肌

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‪混合健身的耶穌

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‪大家都懂吧，我以前超愛耶穌

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‪我是維京群島人
‪我們都相信耶穌是白人

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‪而我外婆

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‪她在家裡每一堵牆
‪都擺有白人耶穌的圖片

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‪就連拉屎，祂也會直直盯著你

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‪超奇怪

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‪但我記得她在客廳有一張特大的圖片

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‪有天我坐在客廳，盯著圖片
‪然後她在我身後說

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‪“沒錯，永遠不要忘記

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‪耶穌永遠都在看著妳”

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‪我當時想：“天啊

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‪別看了，耶穌

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‪天啊

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‪這個宗教真糟糕

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‪耶穌為何這麼性感啊？

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‪這有甚麼意義？我不懂啊
‪《聖經》叫人不要胡思亂想

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‪但每個禮拜天也得看著性感的耶穌

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‪太誇張了

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‪“跪下來崇拜我”，“我可是不介意啊”

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‪30歲後還能滿身肌肉，簡直是神啊

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‪值得敬拜

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‪我很享受隔離，非常享受

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‪我喜歡待在家裡

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‪我喜歡戴口罩
‪我不懂大家為何如此…

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‪急著把口罩脫掉

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‪我喜歡口罩帶來的隱密性

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‪我雖然不出名
‪但我還是不想跟人交談

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‪我超愛戴的
‪戴上口罩和黑色太陽眼鏡

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‪你就成為街頭上的復仇者了
‪幹嘛這麼反感呢？

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‪沒有人知道你要去解決甚麼罪案

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‪很性感

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‪我會想念男人只能看我額頭
‪來判定我是不是美女的日子

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‪懂嗎？

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‪那些男人會這樣…

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‪嘗試計算額頭與眉毛的比例

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‪懂嗎？那…

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‪我會想念在街上遇到好朋友

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‪也不用說一句話

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‪“超級市場那個是妳嗎？”，“不是…”

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‪不用再閒聊，對吧？

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‪終於不用再閒聊了

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‪連同五十萬個死去的親朋好友

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‪但我們沒死

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‪我們沒死…不…

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‪現在來關心太遲了，我們已經搞砸了

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‪現在來關心太遲了，不要嘆氣

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‪不要嘆氣

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‪我們搞砸了
‪如果新冠肺炎是一個人性測試

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‪我們基本上是被當了

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‪不是嗎？這裡有重點工作者嗎？
‪教師？護士？

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‪我不知道你們是怎麼忍住不自殺的

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‪我們對重點工作者的待遇超級差

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‪大家都說英雄是不穿披風
‪顯然他們也不會穿個人防護設備

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‪有些人只穿垃圾袋和紙口罩就算了

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‪簡直難以置信

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‪如果你想自殺的話，我也不會介意

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‪如果這是《權力遊戲》

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‪重點工作者就是在戰爭前線

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‪在前面當擋箭牌

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‪我們一腳把他們踢出去說
‪“你們出去看看戰況吧”

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‪“順便給我帶一點泰國菜回來”

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‪獨力維持經濟發展

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‪不客氣

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‪甚麼都買，我買了超多東西

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‪我從沒試過在同一個地方
‪買這麼多衣服

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‪我到底在想甚麼？

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‪大家購物應該也是等隔離結束後

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‪可以外出時穿新衣

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‪是吧？新我

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‪對吧？

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‪我覺得新我是個臭婊子

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‪無鋼圈內衣，我買

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‪無鋼圈內衣，緊身短褲
‪都是2021年的風潮

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‪活在當下

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‪我可以花點時間陪孩子，蠻好的

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‪我之前沒有怎麼陪他們

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‪是的，因為我要工作嘛

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‪在外講段子

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‪所以能夠陪他們也是蠻好的

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‪那是隔離期間我最享受的部分
‪大家還記得一開始

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‪名人們與自己孩子
‪第一次見面的畫面嗎？

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‪記得嗎？

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‪有些你根本不知道有生孩子的名人
‪突然在抖音上和孩子跳舞

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‪孩子一臉困惑想著
‪“你他媽是誰啊？”

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‪特維拉在哪裡？

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‪我有兩個青少年兒子

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‪我覺得他們很可憐

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‪打飛機的高峰期嘛

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‪突然之間，我全天候在家了

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‪想當個趣味老媽
‪彌補我們失去的時光

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‪所以他們對我可以說是恨之入骨

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‪我經常踢門進去他們房間
‪說：“電影之夜！”

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‪你在幹嘛？收一收吧
‪今晚要在地下室看《靈魂奇遇記》

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‪我就是這樣

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‪“看誰買了拼圖？”，我現在就是這樣

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‪他們恨死我了

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‪我知道了很多關於他們的事
‪我的幼子也有大老二了

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‪我之前可不知道呢

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‪我可不知道他有大老二

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‪孩子真的眨眼間就長大了
‪我真不知道他有大老二

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‪我當天坐在床邊

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‪他從浴室跑出來，經過我房門…

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‪他應該是忘了拿毛巾，我看到後心想

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‪“那是三小？”

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‪我完全大吃一驚

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‪那是成熟的大老二啊

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‪甚麼？

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‪那是一根需要工作的大老二

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‪好嗎？

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‪這麼大根怎麼可以沒有收入
‪太不尊重了

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‪他以前那根叫“小雞雞”

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‪我上次看的時候，還是小雞雞

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‪幫他換尿布
‪把他的小雞雞當吉他來彈

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‪沒有其他父母是這樣？

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‪那是生男孩子最好玩的地方

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‪玩小雞雞，有時候把它搖來搖去

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‪我只是想說我以他為榮

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‪我以他為榮

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‪像他媽媽一樣有根大老二

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‪他是我的孩子

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‪我的孩子

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‪我抓到長子看A片，那…

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‪所以我才經常不在家啊
‪誰會想處理這種…

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‪總之，重點是…

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‪他在看A片，他是青少年嘛

195
00:11:31,650 --> 00:11:34,403
‪我不想讓他尷尬，對他說教之類

196
00:11:34,486 --> 00:11:35,529
‪我是性積極女性

197
00:11:35,612 --> 00:11:39,241
‪不只有白人女性才能性積極，懂嗎？

198
00:11:39,908 --> 00:11:41,577
‪真的

199
00:11:41,660 --> 00:11:44,163
‪我還參加過解放乳頭運動

200
00:11:44,246 --> 00:11:46,749
‪我不想讓他尷尬

201
00:11:46,832 --> 00:11:48,041
‪我應該處理得蠻好的

202
00:11:48,125 --> 00:11:51,795
‪我就走過的時候說

203
00:11:51,879 --> 00:11:53,839
‪“我看到囉”，然後繼續走

204
00:11:56,216 --> 00:11:59,052
‪酷老媽，就是這樣，是吧？

205
00:11:59,136 --> 00:12:00,137
‪“我看到囉”

206
00:12:01,597 --> 00:12:02,931
‪繼續走，對吧？

207
00:12:03,432 --> 00:12:06,894
‪然後我走回頭說
‪“你可以看黑人的嗎？”

208
00:12:06,977 --> 00:12:08,896
‪“你到底在幹嘛？”

209
00:12:08,979 --> 00:12:12,816
‪你看黑人的話
‪我根本不會知道你在看A片

210
00:12:12,900 --> 00:12:16,945
‪白人那些雪白的皮膚
‪從iPad中閃閃發亮

211
00:12:17,029 --> 00:12:19,573
‪要是你看黑人的話，就不會惹麻煩了

212
00:12:19,656 --> 00:12:21,492
‪“看白人幹嘛啊？”

213
00:12:21,575 --> 00:12:23,285
‪“我用電話傳一些好康給你吧

214
00:12:23,368 --> 00:12:25,162
‪這是黑人A片的集中地”

215
00:12:25,245 --> 00:12:28,248
‪“你這樣是搞砸我的遺志”

216
00:12:28,332 --> 00:12:29,583
‪“你幹嘛啊”

217
00:12:31,877 --> 00:12:33,587
‪“你以為這是甚麼？”

218
00:12:35,714 --> 00:12:39,676
‪當我想到自己孩子，還有他們的性慾

219
00:12:42,763 --> 00:12:45,682
‪他們是同性戀或異性戀都沒關係

220
00:12:45,766 --> 00:12:48,477
‪我都沒差，只要孩子不是怪胎就行了

221
00:12:48,977 --> 00:12:50,312
‪我不想要怪胎

222
00:12:50,395 --> 00:12:55,442
‪我認為現在的孩子可以上網
‪看一些對他們來說言之過早的事物

223
00:12:55,526 --> 00:12:59,738
‪他們的腦袋的…突觸受到刺激

224
00:13:01,448 --> 00:13:03,367
‪之後就變成怪胎了

225
00:13:03,450 --> 00:13:06,161
‪我只希望孩子不會成為那種戀腳的人

226
00:13:06,245 --> 00:13:07,162
‪甚麼？

227
00:13:07,246 --> 00:13:09,957
‪我不想批評戀腳癖
‪但那真是最糟糕的

228
00:13:10,040 --> 00:13:12,334
‪你有試過跟戀腳的人交往嗎？

229
00:13:12,417 --> 00:13:13,961
‪“讓我吮腳趾吧”

230
00:13:14,044 --> 00:13:14,878
‪“先生！”

231
00:13:18,715 --> 00:13:20,551
‪“你這樣有夠奇怪的”

232
00:13:20,634 --> 00:13:22,594
‪“可以不要這樣嗎？天啊”

233
00:13:24,137 --> 00:13:25,097
‪我會讓他吮

234
00:13:25,180 --> 00:13:27,683
‪但我會一直暗中對他評頭論足

235
00:13:35,274 --> 00:13:36,316
‪不是我兒子就行了

236
00:13:38,026 --> 00:13:40,153
‪我家不准有戀腳狂魔

237
00:13:48,620 --> 00:13:52,624
‪或者他可以當那種有社交恐懼的孩子

238
00:13:52,708 --> 00:13:56,920
‪害怕跟女生交談，操機器飛機杯

239
00:13:57,004 --> 00:13:58,964
‪我在紀錄片裡看過的

240
00:13:59,047 --> 00:14:02,467
‪我把所有紀錄片都看過了
‪我可是在家待了一年半啊

241
00:14:02,551 --> 00:14:04,344
‪機器人世代的高潮要來了

242
00:14:06,471 --> 00:14:07,931
‪射精那種，總之，重點是…

243
00:14:13,604 --> 00:14:14,980
‪機器人世代要來了

244
00:14:15,063 --> 00:14:17,441
‪它們很先進，看起來跟女人一模一樣

245
00:14:17,524 --> 00:14:19,860
‪它們不會長肉，因為它們不會吃貝果

246
00:14:19,943 --> 00:14:22,905
‪它們理論上是完美無疵的
‪沒關係，要來就來嘛

247
00:14:22,988 --> 00:14:25,991
‪但我最不滿它們的地方在於

248
00:14:26,074 --> 00:14:29,453
‪每次有先進的男用性愛玩具推出

249
00:14:29,536 --> 00:14:32,205
‪也會有人說

250
00:14:32,289 --> 00:14:33,790
‪“女人要小心囉”

251
00:14:34,416 --> 00:14:37,127
‪“妳們要振作，否則很快會被取代囉”

252
00:14:37,210 --> 00:14:41,340
‪“男人不再需要女人了”
‪我就覺得說：“何時？快啊！走啊！”

253
00:14:42,257 --> 00:14:44,051
‪“走啊！投進機器人的懷抱嘛”

254
00:14:44,134 --> 00:14:46,803
‪“不要煩我們了，何時才能成真？”

255
00:14:46,887 --> 00:14:49,264
‪“不要阻我享受人生”

256
00:14:49,348 --> 00:14:51,600
‪“你說甚麼？去操你的機器人吧”

257
00:14:51,683 --> 00:14:53,018
‪男人真奇怪

258
00:14:54,061 --> 00:14:56,897
‪男人真奇怪，我有一根假屌
‪但我不會給它一張臉啊

259
00:14:56,980 --> 00:14:58,398
‪你是有甚麼問題？

260
00:15:05,906 --> 00:15:08,575
‪我的孩子蠻適應隔離後的生活

261
00:15:09,159 --> 00:15:10,452
‪我以他們為榮

262
00:15:10,535 --> 00:15:12,287
‪我的大兒子是運動員

263
00:15:12,371 --> 00:15:15,248
‪他沒辦法去玩運動

264
00:15:15,332 --> 00:15:17,834
‪沒辦法跟朋友聊天，摸女生

265
00:15:17,918 --> 00:15:20,754
‪青少年想做的事情，他都沒辦法做

266
00:15:20,837 --> 00:15:22,798
‪他們也適應得很好，出門會戴口罩

267
00:15:22,881 --> 00:15:25,467
‪不只他們，他們的朋友也一樣

268
00:15:25,550 --> 00:15:29,221
‪他們有保持社交距離，甚麼都有做齊

269
00:15:29,304 --> 00:15:31,890
‪很誇張的是

270
00:15:31,974 --> 00:15:35,727
‪某些大人幾個月去不了奇利斯餐廳

271
00:15:35,811 --> 00:15:37,437
‪就像瘋子一樣

272
00:15:37,521 --> 00:15:40,774
‪大家都想假裝那是很久之前的事

273
00:15:40,857 --> 00:15:42,067
‪但其實不然

274
00:15:42,150 --> 00:15:46,530
‪我知道他們餐廳
‪賣的炸洋蔥花很好吃，可是…

275
00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:51,159
‪我知道奇利斯餐廳沒有賣
‪但他們肯定是串通的

276
00:15:54,746 --> 00:15:57,958
‪重點是…我們不懂得犧牲，糟透了

277
00:15:58,041 --> 00:16:00,961
‪這段時間令人非常沮喪

278
00:16:01,044 --> 00:16:03,630
‪雖然我也不是對人性有信心

279
00:16:03,714 --> 00:16:06,216
‪但我沒想過會這麼糟糕

280
00:16:06,299 --> 00:16:09,594
‪我們不懂得犧牲

281
00:16:09,678 --> 00:16:12,222
‪大家還記得我們對法國生氣嗎？

282
00:16:12,305 --> 00:16:16,226
‪我雖然說“我們”，但其實我指白人
‪我們對法國生氣

283
00:16:16,309 --> 00:16:19,146
‪我們對法國生氣的時候
‪他們都說：“去你的法國！”

284
00:16:19,229 --> 00:16:23,191
‪“去你的炸薯條”，記得嗎？
‪我們有停止吃炸薯條嗎？

285
00:16:23,275 --> 00:16:26,737
‪沒有，他們單純把名字改成“自由條”

286
00:16:26,820 --> 00:16:31,199
‪他們連罷吃幾個月馬鈴薯都辦不到

287
00:16:32,909 --> 00:16:36,538
‪每個禮拜都會有同志在福來雞說
‪“想吃麥克雞塊…”

288
00:16:37,873 --> 00:16:40,459
‪“玻里尼西亞醬”

289
00:16:41,084 --> 00:16:42,878
‪“如置身當地一樣”

290
00:16:45,047 --> 00:16:47,299
‪該死的廢物，奇怪

291
00:16:51,928 --> 00:16:54,681
‪短時間內發生太多事情了

292
00:16:55,390 --> 00:16:57,601
‪你們怎麼都沒有驚慌？我可驚慌了

293
00:16:57,684 --> 00:17:01,480
‪你們看得出我隔離後很神經質嗎？
‪我都要瘋了，可是…

294
00:17:02,064 --> 00:17:04,566
‪很多破事，發生很多破事

295
00:17:04,649 --> 00:17:07,861
‪破得政府要說
‪“趕快跟他們說外星人存在”

296
00:17:07,944 --> 00:17:09,362
‪真的！

297
00:17:11,573 --> 00:17:12,949
‪真的！

298
00:17:14,034 --> 00:17:16,536
‪他們假裝在無意間說出來

299
00:17:17,496 --> 00:17:20,290
‪像這樣：“對了，外星人真的存在”

300
00:17:20,874 --> 00:17:23,376
‪糟透了，因為我最愛外星人了

301
00:17:23,460 --> 00:17:27,422
‪但我卻沒能親眼去看
‪因為我忙著消毒除菌

302
00:17:27,506 --> 00:17:30,008
‪太多事了

303
00:17:35,305 --> 00:17:38,475
‪我在隔離期間失去了哥哥

304
00:17:39,601 --> 00:17:42,562
‪不是因為新冠肺炎
‪他現在專搞陰謀論了

305
00:17:43,980 --> 00:17:45,524
‪他消失得無影無蹤

306
00:17:47,984 --> 00:17:50,904
‪他還是死一死比較好，我跟他都不熟

307
00:17:50,987 --> 00:17:53,031
‪跟他講話超麻煩的

308
00:17:53,115 --> 00:17:55,117
‪我不知道他是想怎樣

309
00:17:55,992 --> 00:18:00,413
‪搞陰謀論的人會想怎樣？
‪我不知道要怎麼應付他

310
00:18:00,497 --> 00:18:03,708
‪不管他說甚麼，我都說：“你對”
‪他們應該只想對方附和他

311
00:18:03,792 --> 00:18:05,377
‪他們只想被說是對吧？

312
00:18:05,460 --> 00:18:08,421
‪跟他講話都超麻煩的
‪這裡有匿名者Q嗎？

313
00:18:11,675 --> 00:18:14,177
‪不可能有，但我最愛的部分是…

314
00:18:15,637 --> 00:18:16,680
‪他們無處不在

315
00:18:16,763 --> 00:18:20,183
‪以下是我目前
‪最喜歡的匿名者Q陰謀論

316
00:18:20,267 --> 00:18:22,811
‪我全部都有看，因為真的超級好笑

317
00:18:24,062 --> 00:18:27,816
‪顯然川普目前是在白宮

318
00:18:27,899 --> 00:18:32,445
‪而喬拜登和他換臉了

319
00:18:34,281 --> 00:18:39,202
‪所以白宮裡的人
‪是戴著拜登臉的川普

320
00:18:39,286 --> 00:18:40,829
‪類似吧

321
00:18:40,912 --> 00:18:43,957
‪而且不只行人路上的瘋子會相信

322
00:18:44,040 --> 00:18:45,709
‪連教師和律師都相信

323
00:18:45,792 --> 00:18:48,628
‪連走在超市路上，身後的人也相信

324
00:18:48,712 --> 00:18:51,006
‪全心全意地相信

325
00:18:51,089 --> 00:18:55,010
‪我不知道有沒有人記得
‪臉蛋被猴子抓傷那位女士

326
00:18:55,093 --> 00:18:56,261
‪有人記得嗎？

327
00:18:57,554 --> 00:19:00,932
‪第一位接受臉部移植手術的人

328
00:19:01,683 --> 00:19:04,686
‪在哪裡公開的呢？
‪名為《歐普拉溫芙蕾》的節目上

329
00:19:05,187 --> 00:19:06,521
‪不知道大家記不記得

330
00:19:06,605 --> 00:19:08,440
‪他們公諸於眾的時候

331
00:19:08,523 --> 00:19:10,233
‪記得嗎？他們公諸於眾

332
00:19:10,317 --> 00:19:13,320
‪大家連要不要拍手也很猶疑
‪他們不知道…

333
00:19:16,198 --> 00:19:19,910
‪他們心想：“這是完成後嗎？
‪還是之後還有驚喜？”

334
00:19:19,993 --> 00:19:22,579
‪臉皮底下，她的臉完全不堪入目

335
00:19:24,706 --> 00:19:28,001
‪而居然有人會相信
‪我們的科技先進得…

336
00:19:28,084 --> 00:19:31,213
‪他們全心全意地認為

337
00:19:31,296 --> 00:19:32,714
‪政府在玩《變臉》

338
00:19:32,797 --> 00:19:34,591
‪真受不了，算了

339
00:19:37,302 --> 00:19:39,888
‪重點是我哥很麻煩，懂嗎？

340
00:19:40,388 --> 00:19:44,226
‪他走在路上會說
‪“賓州的披薩店有戀童癖者”

341
00:19:44,309 --> 00:19:45,602
‪說實話…有夠含糊

342
00:19:47,604 --> 00:19:49,773
‪你到底在說甚麼？那是甚麼意思？

343
00:19:49,856 --> 00:19:53,276
‪“披薩…”，他們只想把你洗腦

344
00:19:53,360 --> 00:19:56,488
‪現在到你會說：“賓州的…”
‪現在你也變成瘋子了

345
00:19:56,571 --> 00:19:58,114
‪他們就是想把你洗腦

346
00:19:59,282 --> 00:20:02,077
‪“賓州的披薩店有戀童癖者”

347
00:20:04,162 --> 00:20:06,831
‪我會說：“好，我去穿上鞋子”

348
00:20:06,915 --> 00:20:07,874
‪“我們過去”

349
00:20:07,958 --> 00:20:10,710
‪“過去拯救孩子”

350
00:20:10,794 --> 00:20:12,921
‪有始有終，要有實際行動

351
00:20:13,004 --> 00:20:15,423
‪我想要的就這麼簡單

352
00:20:16,883 --> 00:20:20,011
‪他還坐在那裡
‪我真的不知道要怎麼應付他

353
00:20:20,512 --> 00:20:21,388
‪真不知道

354
00:20:22,389 --> 00:20:24,641
‪所以我很佩服那些去國會抗議的人

355
00:20:28,520 --> 00:20:30,730
‪對吧？這才叫有始有終

356
00:20:32,816 --> 00:20:34,317
‪他們有實際行動

357
00:20:35,068 --> 00:20:37,070
‪他們有念頭

358
00:20:37,696 --> 00:20:40,991
‪然後貫徹始終地行動了，欣賞他們

359
00:20:44,577 --> 00:20:48,164
‪他們聲稱有五千人衝進國會了

360
00:20:48,999 --> 00:20:51,042
‪五千個白人…

361
00:20:55,213 --> 00:20:56,464
‪衝進國會了

362
00:20:56,548 --> 00:20:57,549
‪甚麼？誇張

363
00:20:57,632 --> 00:21:01,052
‪你知道集合五千人是多麼困難嗎？

364
00:21:02,178 --> 00:21:03,430
‪團體預約

365
00:21:04,764 --> 00:21:06,474
‪拼車之類

366
00:21:06,558 --> 00:21:09,811
‪我和三個朋友去度假
‪結果回來後大家都反目成仇了

367
00:21:09,894 --> 00:21:11,980
‪你認真嗎？五千人？

368
00:21:12,647 --> 00:21:13,481
‪五千人？

369
00:21:13,565 --> 00:21:16,526
‪我說：“姊妹，我想去海灘，泡帥哥

370
00:21:16,609 --> 00:21:19,446
‪偶爾玩玩一夜情
‪幹嘛變成玩空中飛索了？”

371
00:21:19,529 --> 00:21:20,905
‪“我恨死妳了”

372
00:21:21,531 --> 00:21:23,366
‪“妳到底…這是搞甚麼？”

373
00:21:30,123 --> 00:21:31,249
‪那些愛國者就不會

374
00:21:31,875 --> 00:21:32,709
‪對吧？

375
00:21:33,752 --> 00:21:35,170
‪他們做了該死的事情

376
00:21:35,837 --> 00:21:37,630
‪每個人都有自己的職責

377
00:21:38,173 --> 00:21:40,258
‪他們一直以來都假裝有善盡職責

378
00:21:40,342 --> 00:21:41,926
‪就昨天

379
00:21:43,470 --> 00:21:44,679
‪大家都有自己的職責

380
00:21:45,180 --> 00:21:46,890
‪“你去到佩洛西的辦工桌放屁”

381
00:21:47,515 --> 00:21:50,018
‪知道嗎？“我去拉屎到國旗上

382
00:21:51,895 --> 00:21:53,396
‪然後我們在奇利斯餐廳會合”

383
00:21:53,480 --> 00:21:54,939
‪他們就是做這些該死的事情

384
00:21:55,732 --> 00:21:59,569
‪欣賞他們

385
00:22:02,572 --> 00:22:05,200
‪對黑人來看，看著他們這麼做真誇張

386
00:22:05,867 --> 00:22:08,411
‪對吧？這裡的黑人不多吧？

387
00:22:09,329 --> 00:22:10,997
‪看著他們真瘋狂

388
00:22:11,081 --> 00:22:14,376
‪黑人與美國的關係非常複雜

389
00:22:15,168 --> 00:22:18,838
‪事情發生後
‪他們會說些有的沒的來粉飾太平

390
00:22:18,922 --> 00:22:21,716
‪國會抗議的事只會被說成

391
00:22:21,800 --> 00:22:24,260
‪成年人實地考察…

392
00:22:25,887 --> 00:22:29,265
‪那裡是五千名想認識祖先的人

393
00:22:29,349 --> 00:22:31,976
‪在華盛頓特區旅遊

394
00:22:32,060 --> 00:22:33,895
‪他們是這樣跟我們說的

395
00:22:33,978 --> 00:22:36,439
‪即使我們親眼看見了也要繼續騙

396
00:22:36,523 --> 00:22:38,233
‪懂嗎？你到底騙甚麼？

397
00:22:42,070 --> 00:22:44,864
‪我們在電視上看得一清二楚

398
00:22:45,657 --> 00:22:49,077
‪黑人也經歷了各種情緒

399
00:22:49,160 --> 00:22:50,370
‪-對
‪-對

400
00:22:50,453 --> 00:22:52,956
‪第一種情緒：“警察要開槍打他們了”

401
00:22:59,421 --> 00:23:01,548
‪第二種情緒：“開槍打他們啊”

402
00:23:02,882 --> 00:23:03,967
‪“開槍啊！”

403
00:23:04,551 --> 00:23:06,553
‪“馬上開槍啊”

404
00:23:09,681 --> 00:23:12,183
‪第三種情緒
‪“肯定不會開槍打他們啦”

405
00:23:21,151 --> 00:23:25,113
‪第四種情緒：“如果那個是我？
‪如果那個是你？如果是我們？”

406
00:23:30,118 --> 00:23:31,911
‪他們肯定亂槍掃射

407
00:23:32,829 --> 00:23:34,247
‪肯定亂槍掃射

408
00:23:34,789 --> 00:23:38,418
‪我們求償，然後呢？
‪他們把糖漿包裝上的黑人阿姨換走了

409
00:23:38,501 --> 00:23:39,419
‪到底是誰…

410
00:23:41,463 --> 00:23:42,797
‪有這樣要求過？

411
00:23:43,715 --> 00:23:47,010
‪沒有人關心糖漿包裝上的黑人阿姨
‪黑人根本不在乎這件事情

412
00:23:47,093 --> 00:23:49,512
‪我不知道…我們現在都用楓糖醬

413
00:23:49,596 --> 00:23:50,680
‪不論是A級還是B級

414
00:23:53,183 --> 00:23:57,353
‪大家都講取消文化
‪真正被取消的是包裝上的黑人阿姨吧

415
00:23:57,437 --> 00:24:00,982
‪商家完全把她換走了

416
00:24:01,065 --> 00:24:04,694
‪她明明沒有做錯任何事
‪一直代表著肉感女性

417
00:24:07,864 --> 00:24:09,282
‪沒有人要求取消她啊

418
00:24:10,909 --> 00:24:12,243
‪真是的

419
00:24:13,703 --> 00:24:14,787
‪真是的

420
00:24:16,247 --> 00:24:17,957
‪很多事情改變了

421
00:24:18,583 --> 00:24:20,251
‪可惜男人還是一樣厚顏無恥

422
00:24:22,212 --> 00:24:23,671
‪我一點都不想念

423
00:24:24,255 --> 00:24:27,258
‪跟男人溝通、交流、聊天

424
00:24:28,593 --> 00:24:30,345
‪我先說，我不是討厭男性

425
00:24:30,428 --> 00:24:32,639
‪我知道時興討厭男性，但我不是

426
00:24:32,722 --> 00:24:36,684
‪但我永遠都會選擇相信男性

427
00:24:37,227 --> 00:24:40,396
‪我會選擇相信他們不知道

428
00:24:40,480 --> 00:24:44,484
‪自己的行為是多麼奇怪和詭異

429
00:24:44,567 --> 00:24:47,195
‪我必須相信他們
‪否則我肯定不會踏出家門

430
00:24:47,278 --> 00:24:49,781
‪大部分女性應該都這樣想

431
00:24:49,864 --> 00:24:52,408
‪我們會說：“世上肯定會有好男人”

432
00:24:52,492 --> 00:24:56,287
‪對吧？我們都這樣想
‪好讓我們能正常過活

433
00:24:56,788 --> 00:25:00,083
‪“聽說我姊妹嫁了給一個好男人”

434
00:25:00,750 --> 00:25:03,002
‪“她兄弟…是個好男人”

435
00:25:03,086 --> 00:25:04,879
‪女生都是這樣，懂嗎？

436
00:25:04,963 --> 00:25:08,341
‪“我曾經聽說…
‪他已經死了，但我知道…”

437
00:25:13,555 --> 00:25:14,472
‪我是個喜劇演員

438
00:25:15,139 --> 00:25:16,140
‪會坐Uber

439
00:25:17,517 --> 00:25:21,271
‪我有時候凌晨3點才回家
‪很大膽，我知道

440
00:25:22,480 --> 00:25:24,941
‪但有些司機
‪他們凌晨3點把我載到家之後

441
00:25:25,024 --> 00:25:26,985
‪他們會問：“妳自己一個人住？”

442
00:25:27,068 --> 00:25:30,863
‪你幹嘛會這樣問？
‪你不知道這樣問很變態嗎？

443
00:25:30,947 --> 00:25:34,075
‪我被問過好幾次了
‪“妳自己一個人住嗎？”

444
00:25:34,158 --> 00:25:36,953
‪沉默20分鐘，結果一開口就這樣說

445
00:25:37,579 --> 00:25:39,038
‪時機這麼不恰當

446
00:25:39,122 --> 00:25:42,041
‪你到底怎麼回事？
‪我逼於無奈只好撒謊

447
00:25:42,125 --> 00:25:44,794
‪我只好說：“不是
‪我和兩位丈夫一起住”

448
00:25:46,379 --> 00:25:48,339
‪“還有我們的比特犬呢”

449
00:25:48,423 --> 00:25:51,009
‪“我們有開比特犬學院
‪有空來參觀吧”

450
00:25:57,515 --> 00:25:59,058
‪糟透了，因為我很愛搭Uber

451
00:25:59,142 --> 00:26:02,228
‪我都這樣裝有錢人的
‪上車大吼一句：“開車”

452
00:26:03,396 --> 00:26:05,898
‪我明明很喜歡叫車，現在都不敢了

453
00:26:05,982 --> 00:26:10,278
‪我想在Uber裡小睡一會
‪現在都不敢了，懂嗎？

454
00:26:10,361 --> 00:26:12,196
‪只要是男司機就不敢了，女士們懂吧

455
00:26:12,280 --> 00:26:15,283
‪不能睡，眨眼也不敢

456
00:26:15,366 --> 00:26:17,118
‪我偶爾會遇到女司機

457
00:26:17,201 --> 00:26:19,370
‪視窗彈出來，看到是女司機

458
00:26:19,454 --> 00:26:23,124
‪我就馬上很高興
‪因為有機會可以放鬆，太棒了

459
00:26:25,168 --> 00:26:27,462
‪男司機就不敢了，真的不行

460
00:26:28,004 --> 00:26:29,505
‪妳要全神貫注

461
00:26:32,634 --> 00:26:34,844
‪一定要讓他們看到妳的眼白

462
00:26:37,221 --> 00:26:39,724
‪妳不但要清醒
‪還要讓對方知道妳是清醒的

463
00:26:39,807 --> 00:26:42,185
‪還要擺姿勢

464
00:26:43,603 --> 00:26:45,688
‪我喜歡一直把車窗開開關關

465
00:26:50,985 --> 00:26:52,570
‪我是冷還是熱？

466
00:26:53,279 --> 00:26:54,530
‪總之老娘就是很清醒

467
00:27:01,371 --> 00:27:03,706
‪偶爾還要放屁…“我放的”

468
00:27:05,166 --> 00:27:08,378
‪“我放的，你最好不要碰我了”

469
00:27:11,005 --> 00:27:12,215
‪“放水屁了”

470
00:27:13,341 --> 00:27:15,551
‪“完全不值得強姦，我真的…”

471
00:27:18,513 --> 00:27:19,764
‪掙扎求存啊

472
00:27:21,891 --> 00:27:25,061
‪我只試過一次
‪在男司機開車的情況下睡著

473
00:27:25,144 --> 00:27:28,022
‪只試過一次，所以我記得很清楚

474
00:27:28,106 --> 00:27:31,275
‪我當時在睡的時候…

475
00:27:31,359 --> 00:27:36,072
‪你們有聽過《法網遊龍》
‪在你腦內發出巨響

476
00:27:38,408 --> 00:27:40,785
‪大聲得我以為是收音機的聲音

477
00:27:40,868 --> 00:27:43,996
‪原來只是我的腦袋大吼
‪“妳幹嘛睡覺？”

478
00:27:44,080 --> 00:27:44,914
‪懂嗎？

479
00:27:45,957 --> 00:27:49,168
‪沒錯，那個怪人就盯著我看

480
00:27:49,252 --> 00:27:51,212
‪死死盯著我，他肯定是個殺人犯

481
00:27:52,130 --> 00:27:53,715
‪對吧？肯定是個殺人犯

482
00:27:53,798 --> 00:27:56,926
‪有常理的人都知道
‪被發現自己盯著對方時

483
00:27:57,635 --> 00:27:58,553
‪“抱歉”

484
00:27:58,636 --> 00:28:00,555
‪他們會尷尬，沒有，他卻死死盯著

485
00:28:00,638 --> 00:28:03,141
‪懂嗎？我活在紐約，所以我就兇他…

486
00:28:03,224 --> 00:28:06,018
‪懂嗎？但他還是目不轉睛

487
00:28:06,102 --> 00:28:09,522
‪我們總共進行了十分鐘的眼神接觸

488
00:28:09,605 --> 00:28:11,941
‪我在車上一直放屁保命，超誇張

489
00:28:15,361 --> 00:28:16,863
‪謝謝各位

490
00:29:12,376 --> 00:29:14,170
‪字幕翻譯：李瑋樂