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<i>[rap music playing]</i>

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<i>♪ Heavy metal in my bezel</i>
<i>Heavy sweat all in my sheets ♪</i>

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{\an8}<i>♪ Every level got a devil… ♪</i>

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<i>[host] </i>Everybody welcome
{\an8}the hilarious Janelle James!

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<i>[crowd cheering wildly]</i>

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<i>Hey!</i>

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<i>Hey!</i>

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<i>Aw!</i>

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<i>Aw! For me?</i>

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<i>Thank you.</i>

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<i>How y'all get so much energy?</i>
<i>I'm exhausted.</i>

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<i>Outside is exhausting,</i>
<i>and y'all so fucking… No, I appreciate it.</i>

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<i>We outside, y'all.</i>

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<i>[cheering]</i>

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<i>It's a little… You know?</i>

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<i>Right? Outside? Eh.</i>

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<i>We built it up.</i>

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<i>Built it up in our heads</i>
<i>while we were inside, didn't we a bit?</i>

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<i>A little overrated.</i>

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<i>A little exhausting, like I said.</i>
<i>You know?</i>

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<i>[chuckles]</i>

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<i>They built it up. They lied.</i>

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<i>They said it was gonna be a bacchanal!</i>
<i>That's what they was telling us.</i>

24
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<i>Gonna be the Roaring '20s out this bitch.</i>
<i>That's what they said.</i>

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<i>It's just variants</i>
<i>and people fighting on planes and shit.</i>

26
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<i>There's bus people on planes now.</i>

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<i>That's what's happening.</i>
<i>There's bus people.</i>

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<i>The airlines was hurting</i>
<i>during the quarantine.</i>

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<i>They said, "Yo, y'all wanna</i>
<i>go to Cabo for $20 round-trip?"</i>

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<i>Bus people heeded the call,</i>
<i>packed up they fucking camo duffel bags,</i>

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<i>and hit the skies. You know what I mean?</i>

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<i>We all know what happens on Greyhound, so…</i>

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<i>Now it's happening at 30,000 feet.</i>

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<i>[audience applauds]</i>

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<i>It's happening now. It's a drag.</i>

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<i>Everybody was getting on Bezos</i>

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<i>for getting his rocket, but he knows</i>
<i>we gotta get above the bus people.</i>

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<i>That's what's coming next.</i>

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<i>Fucking "Amazon Air" is what he's doing.</i>

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<i>Smart.</i>

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<i>[chuckles]</i>

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<i>He ain't go to space.</i>

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<i>Right? He didn't go to space.</i>

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<i>I don't like this thing</i>
<i>where rich people just say shit</i>

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<i>and we supposed to just believe</i>
<i>it's true because they got money.</i>

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<i>He did not go to space.</i>

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<i>Correct me if I'm wrong. Like, space is…</i>

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<i>[screams] That's space. Right?</i>

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<i>That's going to space. Right?</i>

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<i>[screams]</i>

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<i>This nigga was like…</i>

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<i>[laughs]</i>

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<i>"A bird!" He didn't go to space.</i>

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<i>That's not…</i>

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<i>I don't like it. He's a liar.</i>

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<i>[laughs]</i>

57
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<i>I ain't do shit in quarantine.</i>
<i>I ain't do nothing.</i>

58
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<i>I ain't better myself,</i>
<i>I ain't read a book,</i>

59
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<i>learn an instrument. None of that.</i>

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<i>I thought I was gonna die.</i>
<i>Why would I do anything?</i>

61
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<i>Why would I do anything?</i>

62
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<i>People was like,</i>
<i>"I bet you wrote so many jokes."</i>

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<i>"Nah. I was auditioning for Jesus.</i>
<i>Ain't nobody…"</i>

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<i>Freaking out reading the Bible and shit.</i>
<i>What are you talking about?</i>

65
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<i>Anybody that came out of quarantine</i>
<i>a better person is a sociopath. Like…</i>

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<i>If your brain wasn't screaming</i>
<i>for months, like mine, you… Yeah!</i>

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<i>Okay?</i>

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<i>I was. I…</i>

69
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<i>You ever try to trick God with your brain</i>

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<i>and act like you've been doing it</i>
<i>the whole time? Reading about him?</i>

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<i>"Oh!" [chuckles]</i>

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<i>"Whoo! Whenever you ready, Lord."</i>
<i>That was me.</i>

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<i>That was me in quarantine.</i>
<i>Like, "Shit. Ready to go, man."</i>

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<i>This shit was terrifying. [sighs]</i>

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<i>I used to love Jesus. You know?</i>

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<i>Right? I used to love Jesus. Like…</i>

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<i>The brown-haired, blue-eyed Jesus.</i>
<i>You know what I'm talking about?</i>

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<i>You know? With the abs?</i>

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<i>CrossFit Jesus.</i>

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<i>Y'all know what I'm talking about.</i>
<i>I used to </i>love<i> Jesus. Whoo!</i>

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<i>I'm from the islands,</i>
<i>so we're steeped in white Jesus. You know?</i>

82
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<i>And my grandmother,</i>

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<i>she had a picture of white Jesus</i>
<i>on every wall of the house.</i>

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<i>If you was taking a shit</i>
<i>he was looking right at you.</i>

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<i>It was weird.</i>

86
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<i>But I remember she had</i>
<i>a big picture of Jesus in the living room.</i>

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<i>One day I was sitting, staring at it,</i>
<i>she came up behind me.</i>

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<i>She said, "That's right. Never forget."</i>

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<i>"Jesus is always watching you."</i>

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<i>And I was like…</i>
<i>[flirtatiously] "Oh, my God."</i>

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<i>"Stop it, Jesus."</i>

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<i>[crowd laughs and cheers]</i>

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<i>"Oh, my God."</i>

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<i>What a fucked-up religion.</i>

95
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<i>Why was Jesus so fine?</i>
<i>What was the point of that?</i>

96
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<i>I don't understand.</i>
<i>They tell you not to think about sex</i>

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<i>and now you gotta stare</i>
<i>at this sexy deity every Sunday.</i>

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<i>It's, like, crazy.</i>

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<i>"Get on your knees and worship me."</i>

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<i>"Don't mind if I do, motherfucker."</i>
<i>What are you talking about? Like…</i>

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<i>Abs after 30? That's a god…</i>

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<i>worthy of praise.</i>

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<i>[laughs]</i>

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<i>I enjoyed quarantine. I liked everything.</i>

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<i>I liked being in the house.</i>

106
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<i>I liked the masks.</i>
<i>I don't know why people were so…</i>

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<i>in a rush to get rid of the masks.</i>

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<i>I like the anonymity of the masks.</i>

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<i>I ain't famous,</i>
<i>but I still don't wanna talk to nobody.</i>

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<i>I love it. You put the mask on,</i>
<i>you put dark sunglasses on,</i>

111
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<i>you a goddamn Avenger in the streets.</i>
<i>Why would you be mad at that?</i>

112
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<i>Nobody knows</i>
<i>what crimes you about to go solve.</i>

113
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<i>It's sexy.</i>

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<i>I'm gonna miss men trying to figure out</i>
<i>if I'm pretty or not just by my forehead.</i>

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<i>You know?</i>

116
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<i>That was cool.</i>

117
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<i>Trying to calculate</i>
<i>the forehead-to-eyebrow ratio.</i>

118
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<i>You know what I mean? That was…</i>

119
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<i>I'm gonna miss passing</i>
<i>my best friends on the street</i>

120
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<i>and not saying shit.</i>

121
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<i>[laughs]</i>

122
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<i>"Was that you over by the Target?"</i>
<i>"No…" [mutters]</i>

123
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<i>Small talk was dead. Right?</i>

124
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<i>Finally, small talk was dead,</i>

125
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<i>along with 500,000</i>
<i>of our closest loved ones,</i>

126
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<i>but we made it.</i>

127
00:06:29,640 --> 00:06:31,892
<i>-[audience groans]</i>
<i>-We made-- Ah, now, don't…</i>

128
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<i>It's too late to care now. We fucked up.</i>

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<i>[scattered applause]</i>

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<i>It's too late to care. Don't, "Aw."</i>

131
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<i>Don't, "Aw."</i>

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<i>We fucked up.</i>
<i>If COVID was a test for humanity,</i>

133
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<i>uh, pretty much failed.</i>

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<i>Did we not? Any essential workers in here?</i>
<i>Teachers? Nurses?</i>

135
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<i>[scattered cheering]</i>

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<i>I don't know how you not</i>
<i>just stabbing necks in this shit.</i>

137
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<i>We did essential workers so…</i>

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<i>[laughs] …poorly.</i>
<i>They say all heroes don't wear capes.</i>

139
00:07:02,506 --> 00:07:04,842
<i>Apparently, they don't wear</i>
<i>PPE either, right?</i>

140
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<i>We had these niggas</i>
<i>in trash bags and paper masks.</i>

141
00:07:08,345 --> 00:07:09,597
<i>It was… It was a trip.</i>

142
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<i>And so if you start stabbing…</i>
<i>It's okay if you came just to stab.</i>

143
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<i>You know? If this was </i>Game of Thrones<i>,</i>
<i>essential workers would be the people</i>

144
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<i>out front of the war, just…</i>
<i>[groans] Getting hit by the arrows.</i>

145
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<i>We just kicked y'all out there, like,</i>
<i>"Y'all go out and see what's going on."</i>

146
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<i>"Bring me back some Thai food."</i>

147
00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:35,372
<i>[laughs]</i>

148
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<i>Kept the economy going all by myself.</i>

149
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<i>You're welcome.</i>

150
00:07:41,795 --> 00:07:44,006
<i>Buying everything. I bought so much shit.</i>

151
00:07:44,089 --> 00:07:47,092
<i>I've never bought more clothes</i>
<i>to go less places in my life.</i>

152
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<i>Where the fuck did I think I was going?</i>

153
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<i>Everybody was shopping</i>
<i>for who they thought they'd be</i>

154
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<i>when quarantine was over.</i>

155
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<i>-[woman whoops]</i>
<i>-Right? The new me.</i>

156
00:07:56,769 --> 00:07:57,603
<i>Right?</i>

157
00:07:57,686 --> 00:07:59,188
<i>I think the new me is a whore.</i>

158
00:08:00,523 --> 00:08:02,650
<i>[laughs]</i>

159
00:08:02,733 --> 00:08:04,193
<i>Bralettes. I got 'em.</i>

160
00:08:05,736 --> 00:08:08,155
<i>Bralettes, coochie cutters, all 2021.</i>

161
00:08:08,864 --> 00:08:09,949
<i>We out here.</i>

162
00:08:10,908 --> 00:08:11,825
<i>[chuckles]</i>

163
00:08:12,785 --> 00:08:15,579
<i>I got to spend time with my kids.</i>
<i>That was cool.</i>

164
00:08:15,663 --> 00:08:17,998
<i>I didn't do that much in the before times.</i>

165
00:08:19,542 --> 00:08:21,961
<i>I didn't. I was in the streets. You know?</i>

166
00:08:22,461 --> 00:08:24,922
<i>Slinging these yuk-yuks, and, uh…</i>

167
00:08:25,881 --> 00:08:30,970
<i>So it was good to spend time with them.</i>
<i>That was my favorite part of quarantine.</i>

168
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<i>Y'all remember beginning of quarantine,</i>
<i>seeing all the celebrities</i>

169
00:08:34,807 --> 00:08:36,642
<i>meet their kids for the first time?</i>

170
00:08:38,602 --> 00:08:39,562
<i>Remember?</i>

171
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<i>Peop… [laughs]</i>
<i>People you didn't even know had kids</i>

172
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<i>was on TikTok</i>
<i>dancing with them all of a sudden.</i>

173
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<i>The kid is like,</i>
<i>"Who the fuck is this?" You know?</i>

174
00:08:50,155 --> 00:08:51,740
<i>[laughs]</i>

175
00:08:52,366 --> 00:08:53,826
<i>"Where is Consuela?"</i>

176
00:08:58,539 --> 00:09:00,207
<i>I have two teenage boys.</i>

177
00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:04,211
<i>So I feel really bad for them. You know?</i>

178
00:09:04,295 --> 00:09:06,130
<i>Prime jerk-off time. You know?</i>

179
00:09:07,548 --> 00:09:10,134
<i>And all of a sudden,</i>
<i>I'm in the house 24/7</i>

180
00:09:10,968 --> 00:09:13,429
<i>trying to be fun mom.</i>
<i>Make up for lost time and shit.</i>

181
00:09:13,512 --> 00:09:15,848
<i>So, uh, they hate my guts. You know?</i>

182
00:09:15,931 --> 00:09:19,059
<i>Constantly kicking in the door,</i>
<i>like, "Boom! Movie night!"</i>

183
00:09:20,394 --> 00:09:21,770
<i>"What y'all doing? Wrap it up."</i>

184
00:09:21,854 --> 00:09:24,023
<i>"We about to go</i>
<i>watch </i>Soul<i> in the basement."</i>

185
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<i>That's me.</i>

186
00:09:25,941 --> 00:09:27,401
<i>[laughs]</i>

187
00:09:27,484 --> 00:09:29,653
<i>"Guess who bought a puzzle?"</i>
<i>That's me now.</i>

188
00:09:31,614 --> 00:09:33,032
<i>[scattered applause]</i>

189
00:09:34,241 --> 00:09:35,868
<i>They hate my guts.</i>

190
00:09:35,951 --> 00:09:37,745
<i>[laughs]</i>

191
00:09:39,246 --> 00:09:42,249
<i>Found out a lot about them.</i>
<i>My youngest son got a dick now.</i>

192
00:09:42,333 --> 00:09:43,459
<i>I didn't know that.</i>

193
00:09:44,918 --> 00:09:46,503
<i>I didn't know he had a dick.</i>

194
00:09:46,587 --> 00:09:49,965
<i>They say you blink and you miss it.</i>
<i>It's true. I didn't know he had a dick.</i>

195
00:09:50,049 --> 00:09:51,967
<i>I was sitting on the edge of my bed</i>

196
00:09:52,051 --> 00:09:57,222
<i>and he ran by from the bathroom to…</i>
<i>I guess he forgot his towel or whatever.</i>

197
00:09:57,306 --> 00:10:00,768
<i>And I was like,</i>
<i>"What the fuck was that?" Like…</i>

198
00:10:01,268 --> 00:10:02,936
<i>It blew my mind.</i>

199
00:10:03,020 --> 00:10:05,397
<i>"That's a dick. What?"</i>

200
00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:07,816
<i>What?</i>

201
00:10:08,901 --> 00:10:10,694
<i>That's a dick that need a job.</i>

202
00:10:11,987 --> 00:10:12,988
<i>Okay?</i>

203
00:10:14,156 --> 00:10:18,786
<i>Can't be walking around with all that dick</i>
<i>and no income. That's disrespectful.</i>

204
00:10:19,787 --> 00:10:21,664
<i>[scattered applause]</i>

205
00:10:21,747 --> 00:10:23,582
<i>[laughs]</i>

206
00:10:26,210 --> 00:10:27,628
<i>He used to have a "pee-pee."</i>

207
00:10:29,630 --> 00:10:32,424
<i>You know? Last time I saw it,</i>
<i>it was a pee-pee.</i>

208
00:10:33,801 --> 00:10:36,595
<i>You change the diaper.</i>
<i>You play rhythm guitar on the pee-pee.</i>

209
00:10:36,679 --> 00:10:38,514
<i>♪ Ding, ding-a-ding, ding-a-ding ♪</i>

210
00:10:38,597 --> 00:10:39,848
<i>[woman laughs loudly]</i>

211
00:10:42,768 --> 00:10:43,936
<i>No other parents in here?</i>

212
00:10:44,019 --> 00:10:46,063
<i>That's the best part</i>
<i>about having a baby boy.</i>

213
00:10:46,146 --> 00:10:47,523
<i>♪ Ding, ding-a-ding ♪</i>

214
00:10:47,606 --> 00:10:49,858
<i>On the pee-pee.</i>
<i>Sometimes you do the doorstopper.</i>

215
00:10:49,942 --> 00:10:51,485
<i>[imitates coil springing]</i>

216
00:10:52,695 --> 00:10:54,697
<i>[laughs]</i>

217
00:10:58,992 --> 00:11:01,412
<i>I'm proud of him, is all I'm saying.</i>
<i>He out here.</i>

218
00:11:02,454 --> 00:11:03,455
<i>Proud of him.</i>

219
00:11:04,998 --> 00:11:06,834
<i>Big ole' dick, like his mama.</i>

220
00:11:06,917 --> 00:11:09,712
<i>[audience laughs and applauds]</i>

221
00:11:09,795 --> 00:11:11,880
<i>He out here. That's my baby!</i>

222
00:11:11,964 --> 00:11:13,507
<i>[cheering]</i>

223
00:11:13,590 --> 00:11:14,800
<i>That's my baby.</i>

224
00:11:15,342 --> 00:11:17,094
<i>[laughs]</i>

225
00:11:18,512 --> 00:11:21,598
<i>Caught my oldest son watching porn, which…</i>

226
00:11:22,307 --> 00:11:24,184
<i>I was like…</i>
<i>This is why I was never around.</i>

227
00:11:24,268 --> 00:11:26,478
<i>Who the fuck wants to deal…</i>
<i>Anyway, point is…</i>

228
00:11:27,521 --> 00:11:30,899
<i>he's watching porn.</i>
<i>And, like I said, he's a teenager, so…</i>

229
00:11:31,650 --> 00:11:34,528
<i>I didn't wanna weird him out about it.</i>
<i>Give him a complex.</i>

230
00:11:34,611 --> 00:11:36,613
<i>-I'm sex positive. You know?</i>
<i>-[cheering]</i>

231
00:11:36,697 --> 00:11:39,241
<i>It's not just for white women.</i>
<i>You know what I mean?</i>

232
00:11:39,324 --> 00:11:41,577
<i>-[laughing]</i>
<i>-It's not, it's not.</i>

233
00:11:41,660 --> 00:11:44,163
<i>I freed a nipple or two in my day.</i>
<i>You know?</i>

234
00:11:44,246 --> 00:11:46,749
<i>So I didn't wanna weird him out.</i>

235
00:11:46,832 --> 00:11:48,041
<i>I think I handled it well.</i>

236
00:11:48,125 --> 00:11:51,795
<i>What I did was,</i>
<i>I was walking through and I said,</i>

237
00:11:51,879 --> 00:11:53,839
<i>"I saw that." And I kept it moving.</i>

238
00:11:56,216 --> 00:11:59,052
<i>Cool mom. That's how I played it.</i>
<i>Cool mom, right?</i>

239
00:11:59,136 --> 00:12:00,137
<i>"I saw that."</i>

240
00:12:01,597 --> 00:12:02,931
<i>Kept it moving. Right?</i>

241
00:12:03,432 --> 00:12:05,100
<i>And then I came back and I said,</i>

242
00:12:05,184 --> 00:12:08,896
<i>"Could you watch Black people?</i>
<i>Like, what the fuck are you doing?"</i>

243
00:12:08,979 --> 00:12:12,816
<i>I wouldn't even have known</i>
<i>he was watching porn</i>

244
00:12:12,900 --> 00:12:16,904
<i>if not for the alabaster skin</i>
<i>gleaming off the fucking iPad.</i>

245
00:12:16,987 --> 00:12:19,615
<i>If he was watching niggas,</i>
<i>he wouldn't be in trouble.</i>

246
00:12:19,698 --> 00:12:22,534
<i>"What are you doing?</i>
<i>Matter of fact, let me airdrop you</i>

247
00:12:22,618 --> 00:12:25,370
<i>some suggestions</i>
<i>'cause this is a Black porn household."</i>

248
00:12:25,454 --> 00:12:28,248
<i>"You are fucking up my legacy right now."</i>

249
00:12:28,332 --> 00:12:29,583
<i>"What are you doing?"</i>

250
00:12:29,666 --> 00:12:31,168
<i>[applauding]</i>

251
00:12:31,877 --> 00:12:33,587
<i>"The fuck you think this is?"</i>

252
00:12:35,714 --> 00:12:37,758
<i>When I think about my kids</i>
<i>and their…</i>

253
00:12:38,258 --> 00:12:41,261
<i>sex… sexuality… [mimics vomiting] Uh…</i>

254
00:12:42,763 --> 00:12:46,433
<i>I don't care if they're gay or straight.</i>
<i>I don't care about that stuff.</i>

255
00:12:46,517 --> 00:12:48,477
<i>I just don't want no weirdo, you know?</i>

256
00:12:48,977 --> 00:12:51,313
<i>I don't want no weirdo,</i>
<i>and that's what happens</i>

257
00:12:51,396 --> 00:12:55,442
<i>when kids get on the Internet</i>
<i>and they see things too early,</i>

258
00:12:55,526 --> 00:12:59,738
<i>and when their brain…</i>
<i>The synapses is synapsing.</i>

259
00:13:01,448 --> 00:13:03,367
<i>And then you got a weirdo.</i>

260
00:13:03,450 --> 00:13:05,953
<i>Like, God forbid he becomes</i>
<i>some kind of foot dude.</i>

261
00:13:06,036 --> 00:13:07,162
<i>Like, what?</i>

262
00:13:07,246 --> 00:13:09,957
<i>I ain't trying to kink-shame,</i>
<i>but that's the worst one.</i>

263
00:13:10,040 --> 00:13:12,334
<i>Have you ever been with a foot dude?</i>

264
00:13:12,417 --> 00:13:13,961
<i>"Let me get in them toes."</i>

265
00:13:14,044 --> 00:13:14,878
<i>"Sir!"</i>

266
00:13:18,715 --> 00:13:20,551
<i>"If you don't go under a bridge…"</i>

267
00:13:20,634 --> 00:13:22,594
<i>"Can you stop it? Oh, my God."</i>

268
00:13:23,470 --> 00:13:25,222
<i>You don't even… I let them suck it,</i>

269
00:13:25,305 --> 00:13:27,683
<i>but I judge the whole time,</i>
<i>is all I'm saying.</i>

270
00:13:31,186 --> 00:13:32,145
<i>[sighs]</i>

271
00:13:32,688 --> 00:13:35,190
<i>[laughs]</i>

272
00:13:35,274 --> 00:13:36,316
<i>Not my son.</i>

273
00:13:38,026 --> 00:13:40,153
<i>I don't want no foot niggas in my family.</i>

274
00:13:41,071 --> 00:13:42,364
<i>[laughs]</i>

275
00:13:48,620 --> 00:13:50,163
<i>Or he could become one</i>

276
00:13:50,247 --> 00:13:52,541
<i>of those socially awkward kids</i>
<i>they have now,</i>

277
00:13:52,624 --> 00:13:54,251
<i>they're scared to talk to girls,</i>

278
00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:56,920
<i>and now they fucking</i>
<i>robot pussies and shit.</i>

279
00:13:57,004 --> 00:13:58,922
<i>I seen it! I seen a documentary.</i>

280
00:13:59,006 --> 00:14:02,593
<i>I've seen all the documentaries.</i>
<i>I was in a house for a year and a half.</i>

281
00:14:02,676 --> 00:14:04,344
<i>The robots are coming.</i>

282
00:14:06,471 --> 00:14:07,931
<i>C-U-M. Anyway, point is…</i>

283
00:14:08,015 --> 00:14:10,267
<i>Ah, hey!</i>

284
00:14:11,977 --> 00:14:13,520
<i>[laughs]</i>

285
00:14:13,604 --> 00:14:14,980
<i>The robots are coming,</i>

286
00:14:15,063 --> 00:14:17,316
<i>they're advanced,</i>
<i>they look just like women,</i>

287
00:14:17,399 --> 00:14:19,985
<i>they don't gain weight</i>
<i>'cause they don't eat bagels.</i>

288
00:14:20,068 --> 00:14:22,905
<i>They're supposedly perfect,</i>
<i>which is fine. Let 'em come.</i>

289
00:14:22,988 --> 00:14:25,991
<i>But my problem with them is,</i>

290
00:14:26,074 --> 00:14:29,453
<i>every time there's some kind</i>
<i>of sex advancement for men</i>

291
00:14:29,536 --> 00:14:32,205
<i>there's always this tone of, like,</i>

292
00:14:32,289 --> 00:14:33,790
<i>"Women better watch out."</i>

293
00:14:34,416 --> 00:14:37,294
<i>"Y'all better get y'all shit together.</i>
<i>You'll get replaced."</i>

294
00:14:37,377 --> 00:14:41,340
<i>"Men ain't gonna need you."</i>
<i>And I'm like, "When? Hurry up. Like, go!"</i>

295
00:14:42,257 --> 00:14:44,051
<i>"Go! Go fuck the robots."</i>

296
00:14:44,134 --> 00:14:46,803
<i>"Leave us alone. When is it gonna happen?"</i>

297
00:14:46,887 --> 00:14:49,264
<i>"Stop threatening me</i>
<i>with a good time. Go away."</i>

298
00:14:49,348 --> 00:14:53,018
<i>"The fuck are you talking about?</i>
<i>Go fuck your robot." Men are so weird.</i>

299
00:14:54,061 --> 00:14:56,897
<i>Men are so weird. I have a dildo,</i>
<i>but I don't put a face on it.</i>

300
00:14:56,980 --> 00:14:58,398
<i>What's wrong with you?</i>

301
00:15:05,906 --> 00:15:08,575
<i>My kids handled quarantine very well.</i>

302
00:15:09,159 --> 00:15:10,452
<i>Very proud of 'em.</i>

303
00:15:10,535 --> 00:15:12,287
<i>My oldest son is an athlete</i>

304
00:15:12,371 --> 00:15:15,248
<i>and he didn't get to do his sports.</i>

305
00:15:15,332 --> 00:15:17,834
<i>He didn't get to talk to his friends,</i>
<i>touch bitches.</i>

306
00:15:17,918 --> 00:15:20,754
<i>All the shit that teenage boys wanna do,</i>
<i>he ain't do any of it.</i>

307
00:15:20,837 --> 00:15:23,507
<i>They handled it well.</i>
<i>They wore their mask. Not only them.</i>

308
00:15:23,590 --> 00:15:26,885
<i>Everybody in their peer groups,</i>
<i>their friends. They social distanced.</i>

309
00:15:26,969 --> 00:15:29,221
<i>Wore their mask,</i>
<i>did what needed to be done. Right?</i>

310
00:15:29,304 --> 00:15:33,976
<i>So it was really crazy</i>
<i>to see grown-ass adults</i>

311
00:15:34,059 --> 00:15:37,521
<i>lose they shit 'cause they couldn't go</i>
<i>to Chili's for a couple months.</i>

312
00:15:37,604 --> 00:15:40,774
<i>And everybody's trying to act</i>
<i>like that was so long ago,</i>

313
00:15:40,857 --> 00:15:42,067
<i>and it wasn't.</i>

314
00:15:42,150 --> 00:15:46,530
<i>I know there's probably some fucking</i>
<i>blooming onion aficionados in here, but…</i>

315
00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:51,368
<i>I know that's not the right restaurant,</i>
<i>but they are also complicit. The point is…</i>

316
00:15:54,746 --> 00:15:57,958
<i>The point is, we don't know</i>
<i>how to sacrifice, and it sucks.</i>

317
00:15:58,041 --> 00:16:00,961
<i>This whole experience was disheartening.</i>

318
00:16:01,044 --> 00:16:03,630
<i>Not that I had any faith in us anyway,</i>

319
00:16:03,714 --> 00:16:06,216
<i>but it was even worse than I thought.</i>

320
00:16:06,299 --> 00:16:09,594
<i>We don't know how to…</i>
<i>How to, uh, sacrifice.</i>

321
00:16:09,678 --> 00:16:12,222
<i>Y'all remember when we were mad at France?</i>

322
00:16:12,305 --> 00:16:16,226
<i>I'm saying "we" but I mean white people,</i>
<i>but we were mad at France.</i>

323
00:16:16,309 --> 00:16:19,146
<i>Remember when we were mad?</i>
<i>It was like, "Fuck France!"</i>

324
00:16:19,229 --> 00:16:23,191
<i>"Fuck french fries." Remember that?</i>
<i>Did we stop eating french fries?</i>

325
00:16:23,275 --> 00:16:26,737
<i>No. They just changed</i>
<i>the name to "freedom fries."</i>

326
00:16:26,820 --> 00:16:31,199
<i>They couldn't even give up potatoes</i>
<i>for a couple months. What is happening?</i>

327
00:16:32,909 --> 00:16:36,538
<i>There's gay people at Chick-fil-A</i>
<i>every week, like, "But the nuggets…"</i>

328
00:16:36,621 --> 00:16:37,789
<i>[sighs]</i>

329
00:16:37,873 --> 00:16:40,459
<i>"The Polynesian sauce."</i>

330
00:16:41,084 --> 00:16:42,878
<i>"It's like you're there."</i>

331
00:16:45,047 --> 00:16:47,299
<i>Fucking losers, man. Weird.</i>

332
00:16:48,592 --> 00:16:49,968
<i>[flaps lips]</i>

333
00:16:51,928 --> 00:16:54,681
<i>So much shit has happened</i>
<i>in a short amount of time.</i>

334
00:16:55,390 --> 00:16:57,642
<i>Why y'all not freaking out, man?</i>
<i>I'm freaking out.</i>

335
00:16:57,726 --> 00:17:01,480
<i>Can y'all tell I have the post-quarantine</i>
<i>energy up here? I'm manic with it.</i>

336
00:17:02,064 --> 00:17:05,734
<i>It's a lot of shit. So much shit happened,</i>
<i>the government was like,</i>

337
00:17:05,817 --> 00:17:09,488
<i>"Go ahead tell them about the aliens</i>
<i>real quick." Like, that happened!</i>

338
00:17:09,571 --> 00:17:11,490
<i>[audience applauds]</i>

339
00:17:11,573 --> 00:17:12,949
<i>That happened.</i>

340
00:17:13,033 --> 00:17:13,950
<i>[cheering]</i>

341
00:17:14,034 --> 00:17:16,244
<i>They just slipped</i>
<i>that shit right in there.</i>

342
00:17:17,454 --> 00:17:20,791
<i>"By the way, they're real."</i>
<i>[mimics bullet] That's how they did it.</i>

343
00:17:20,874 --> 00:17:23,376
<i>And it sucks, 'cause I'm…</i>
<i>The aliens is my shit!</i>

344
00:17:23,460 --> 00:17:27,422
<i>And I missed it 'cause I was too busy</i>
<i>disinfecting my fucking disinfectants.</i>

345
00:17:27,506 --> 00:17:30,008
<i>It was… It's too much, it's too much.</i>

346
00:17:31,927 --> 00:17:32,803
<i>Ugh.</i>

347
00:17:35,305 --> 00:17:38,475
<i>[voice breaks] I lost my brother</i>
<i>during quarantine.</i>

348
00:17:39,601 --> 00:17:40,435
<i>Not to COVID.</i>

349
00:17:40,519 --> 00:17:43,063
<i>He's a conspiracy theorist now, and, uh…</i>

350
00:17:43,980 --> 00:17:45,524
<i>That nigga is gone.</i>

351
00:17:45,607 --> 00:17:46,733
<i>Uh…</i>

352
00:17:47,984 --> 00:17:50,987
<i>He might as well have died.</i>
<i>I don't know who the fuck that dude is.</i>

353
00:17:51,071 --> 00:17:53,031
<i>It's a drag to talk to him.</i>

354
00:17:53,115 --> 00:17:55,117
<i>I don't know what he wants.</i>

355
00:17:55,992 --> 00:18:00,330
<i>What do conspiracy theorists want?</i>
<i>Uh… I don't know how to deal with him.</i>

356
00:18:00,413 --> 00:18:03,708
<i>Anything he says, I say, "You right."</i>
<i>I think that's what they want.</i>

357
00:18:03,792 --> 00:18:05,377
<i>They just wanna be right, I guess?</i>

358
00:18:05,460 --> 00:18:08,088
<i>It's such a drag to talk to him.</i>
<i>Any QAnon in here?</i>

359
00:18:09,798 --> 00:18:11,591
<i>[audience laughs]</i>

360
00:18:11,675 --> 00:18:14,177
<i>That's impossible. But here's my favorite…</i>

361
00:18:15,095 --> 00:18:16,680
<i>[laughs] 'Cause they everywhere.</i>

362
00:18:16,763 --> 00:18:20,183
<i>Here's my favorite QAnon conspiracy</i>
<i>that I'm following right now,</i>

363
00:18:20,267 --> 00:18:23,353
<i>and I follow all of them</i>
<i>because it's hilarious. Uh…</i>

364
00:18:24,062 --> 00:18:27,816
<i>Apparently, it's Trump</i>
<i>in the White House right now.</i>

365
00:18:27,899 --> 00:18:32,445
<i>It's Joe Biden who has switched faces…</i>

366
00:18:34,281 --> 00:18:39,202
<i>with Trump, and it's actually</i> <i>Trump</i>
<i>in the White House in a Biden mask,</i>

367
00:18:39,286 --> 00:18:40,829
<i>or some shit like that. This…</i>

368
00:18:40,912 --> 00:18:43,957
<i>And it's not raving lunatics</i>
<i>on the sidewalk that believe this.</i>

369
00:18:44,040 --> 00:18:45,709
<i>These are teachers and lawyers.</i>

370
00:18:45,792 --> 00:18:48,628
<i>Motherfuckers behind you</i>
<i>in Trader Joes believing this shit</i>

371
00:18:48,712 --> 00:18:51,006
<i>with their whole heart, and…</i>

372
00:18:51,089 --> 00:18:53,175
<i>I don't know if y'all remember that lady</i>

373
00:18:53,258 --> 00:18:56,261
<i>that got her face snatched off</i>
<i>by the monkey. Anybody?</i>

374
00:18:57,554 --> 00:19:00,932
<i>The recipient</i>
<i>of the first face transplant.</i>

375
00:19:01,683 --> 00:19:04,686
<i>Where did they unveil it?</i>
<i>On a show called </i>Oprah Winfrey.

376
00:19:05,187 --> 00:19:06,521
<i>I don't know if you remember.</i>

377
00:19:06,605 --> 00:19:08,440
<i>When they unveiled that shit…</i>

378
00:19:08,523 --> 00:19:10,233
<i>Do you remember? They unveiled it.</i>

379
00:19:10,317 --> 00:19:13,320
<i>The claps didn't even connect.</i>
<i>People didn't know…</i>

380
00:19:16,198 --> 00:19:18,033
<i>They were like, "Is it finished?"</i>

381
00:19:18,116 --> 00:19:20,702
<i>"Is there another reveal</i>
<i>underneath that shit?"</i>

382
00:19:20,785 --> 00:19:22,579
<i>She looked fucked up.</i>

383
00:19:24,664 --> 00:19:28,001
<i>And people believe</i>
<i>we got the technology to… Uh-uh.</i>

384
00:19:28,084 --> 00:19:31,338
<i>They think it's some fucking</i>
<i>John Travolta, Nic Cage shit going on</i>

385
00:19:31,421 --> 00:19:32,714
<i>with all their heart.</i>

386
00:19:32,797 --> 00:19:34,591
<i>I can't take it, but anyway…</i>

387
00:19:37,302 --> 00:19:39,888
<i>My brother is a drag is the point.</i>
<i>You know what I mean?</i>

388
00:19:40,388 --> 00:19:44,226
<i>He walking around, "There's pedophiles</i>
<i>in a pizza place in Pennsylvania."</i>

389
00:19:44,309 --> 00:19:45,602
<i>Which… Vague.</i>

390
00:19:47,604 --> 00:19:49,773
<i>What are you talking about?</i>
<i>What does that mean?</i>

391
00:19:49,856 --> 00:19:53,193
<i>"Pizza--" They wanna</i>
<i>just transfer the shit into your head.</i>

392
00:19:53,276 --> 00:19:56,529
<i>Now you walking around, "Pedophiles in…"</i>
<i>Now you the crazy person.</i>

393
00:19:56,613 --> 00:19:57,948
<i>That's what they wanna do.</i>

394
00:19:59,282 --> 00:20:02,077
<i>"Pedophiles in a pizza place</i>
<i>in Pennsylvania."</i>

395
00:20:04,162 --> 00:20:06,831
<i>I'm like, "All right.</i>
<i>Well, let me get my shoes on."</i>

396
00:20:06,915 --> 00:20:09,626
<i>"Let's pull up. Let's go save the kids!"</i>

397
00:20:09,709 --> 00:20:12,504
<i>You know? Some follow-through.</i>
<i>Some plan of action.</i>

398
00:20:12,587 --> 00:20:15,507
<i>You know what I mean?</i>
<i>That's all I want. That's all I want.</i>

399
00:20:16,883 --> 00:20:20,011
<i>He's still sitting there.</i>
<i>I don't know what to do with this dude.</i>

400
00:20:20,512 --> 00:20:21,388
<i>I don't know.</i>

401
00:20:22,389 --> 00:20:24,641
<i>That's why I admire</i>
<i>those Capitol stormers.</i>

402
00:20:25,517 --> 00:20:27,310
<i>[audience laughs nervously]</i>

403
00:20:28,520 --> 00:20:30,730
<i>Right? Talk about follow-through, right?</i>

404
00:20:32,816 --> 00:20:34,067
<i>They did the damn thing.</i>

405
00:20:35,068 --> 00:20:37,070
<i>They had their ideas. You know?</i>

406
00:20:37,696 --> 00:20:40,991
<i>And they fucking followed through.</i>
<i>Kudos to them, kudos to them.</i>

407
00:20:41,574 --> 00:20:42,575
<i>[laughs]</i>

408
00:20:44,577 --> 00:20:47,789
<i>Five thousand people,</i>
<i>they said, stormed the Capitol.</i>

409
00:20:48,999 --> 00:20:50,875
<i>Five thousand </i>white<i> people…</i>

410
00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:53,962
<i>[audience applauds]</i>

411
00:20:55,213 --> 00:20:56,464
<i>…stormed the Capitol.</i>

412
00:20:56,548 --> 00:20:57,549
<i>What? That's crazy.</i>

413
00:20:57,632 --> 00:21:01,052
<i>You know how hard it is to get</i>
<i>5,000 people together to do anything?</i>

414
00:21:02,178 --> 00:21:03,430
<i>Group reservations.</i>

415
00:21:04,764 --> 00:21:07,934
<i>Carpools and shit. Like…</i>
<i>I can't vacation with three of my friends</i>

416
00:21:08,018 --> 00:21:12,105
<i>without coming back with a mortal enemy.</i>
<i>Are you fucking kidding me? 5,000 people?</i>

417
00:21:12,647 --> 00:21:13,481
<i>5,000 people?</i>

418
00:21:13,565 --> 00:21:16,526
<i>I'm like, "Bitch, I said I wanna go</i>
<i>to the beach, get fucked up,</i>

419
00:21:16,609 --> 00:21:19,446
<i>land on a dick every once in a while.</i>
<i>Why am I on a zip line?"</i>

420
00:21:19,529 --> 00:21:20,905
<i>"Like, I fucking hate you."</i>

421
00:21:21,531 --> 00:21:23,366
<i>"What are you…? What is this?"</i>

422
00:21:23,450 --> 00:21:24,534
<i>[audience applauds]</i>

423
00:21:30,123 --> 00:21:31,249
<i>Not those patriots.</i>

424
00:21:31,875 --> 00:21:32,709
<i>Right?</i>

425
00:21:33,752 --> 00:21:35,170
<i>They did the damn thing.</i>

426
00:21:35,837 --> 00:21:37,672
<i>Everybody had a job. Y'all remember?</i>

427
00:21:38,173 --> 00:21:40,258
<i>Another thing they tryna act</i>
<i>like was so long ago.</i>

428
00:21:40,342 --> 00:21:41,926
<i>I remember just yesterday.</i>

429
00:21:43,470 --> 00:21:44,679
<i>Everybody had a job.</i>

430
00:21:45,180 --> 00:21:46,890
<i>"You fart on Pelosi's desk."</i>

431
00:21:47,515 --> 00:21:49,768
<i>Right? "I'm gonna shit on the flag,</i>

432
00:21:51,895 --> 00:21:55,148
<i>and then we meet back at Chili's."</i>
<i>They did the damn thing!</i>

433
00:21:55,732 --> 00:21:59,569
<i>Kudos to them. Kudos to them!</i>

434
00:22:00,070 --> 00:22:01,905
<i>[laughs and grunts]</i>

435
00:22:02,572 --> 00:22:06,284
<i>That was a crazy day for Black people,</i>
<i>watching that shit. Right?</i>

436
00:22:06,368 --> 00:22:08,495
<i>Smattering of Black people in here, right?</i>

437
00:22:09,245 --> 00:22:11,164
<i>It was a crazy day, watching that shit.</i>

438
00:22:11,247 --> 00:22:14,125
<i>Black people are in</i>
<i>an abusive relationship with America.</i>

439
00:22:15,168 --> 00:22:18,838
<i>Something happens, and then</i>
<i>they tell us the opposite happened.</i>

440
00:22:18,922 --> 00:22:21,716
<i>Right now the story</i>
<i>for the Capitol stormers is,</i>

441
00:22:21,800 --> 00:22:24,260
<i>this was just an adult field trip…</i>

442
00:22:25,887 --> 00:22:29,265
<i>for 5,000 people who wanted</i>
<i>to learn about our forefathers</i>

443
00:22:29,349 --> 00:22:31,976
<i>and spend some time in downtown D.C.</i>

444
00:22:32,060 --> 00:22:33,895
<i>That's what they telling us</i>

445
00:22:33,978 --> 00:22:36,439
<i>even though we seen</i>
<i>that shit with our googlies.</i>

446
00:22:36,523 --> 00:22:38,233
<i>You know? What do you…?</i>

447
00:22:42,070 --> 00:22:44,864
<i>We was wildin' watching that shit on TV.</i>

448
00:22:45,657 --> 00:22:49,035
<i>Went through all the emotions,</i>
<i>Black people. Right?</i>

449
00:22:49,119 --> 00:22:50,370
<i>-[man] Yes.</i>
<i>-[woman] Yup.</i>

450
00:22:50,453 --> 00:22:52,956
<i>First emotion. [scoffs]</i>
<i>"They about to get shot."</i>

451
00:22:53,665 --> 00:22:54,749
<i>[audience applauds]</i>

452
00:22:54,833 --> 00:22:55,917
<i>Whoo!</i>

453
00:22:59,421 --> 00:23:01,548
<i>Second emotion, "Shoot them niggas."</i>

454
00:23:02,882 --> 00:23:03,967
<i>"Shoot 'em!"</i>

455
00:23:04,551 --> 00:23:06,553
<i>"And right-fucking-now."</i>

456
00:23:09,681 --> 00:23:12,767
<i>Third emotion, "They ain't</i>
<i>gonna shoot these niggas. I swear!"</i>

457
00:23:21,151 --> 00:23:25,113
<i>Fourth emotion, "If that was me?</i>
<i>If that was you? If that was us?"</i>

458
00:23:25,196 --> 00:23:27,657
<i>[laughs and groans]</i>

459
00:23:30,118 --> 00:23:31,911
<i>They be fucking with us, man.</i>

460
00:23:32,829 --> 00:23:34,247
<i>They be fucking with us.</i>

461
00:23:34,789 --> 00:23:38,418
<i>We asked for reparations.</i>
<i>What'd they do? Got rid of Aunt Jemima.</i>

462
00:23:38,501 --> 00:23:39,419
<i>Who the fuck…</i>

463
00:23:41,463 --> 00:23:42,797
<i>asked for that?</i>

464
00:23:43,715 --> 00:23:47,093
<i>Nobody thinking about Aunt Jemima.</i>
<i>Black people moved on from high-fructose.</i>

465
00:23:47,177 --> 00:23:51,181
<i>I don't know if… We up in maple now.</i>
<i>We up in maple syrup. The As, the Bs.</i>

466
00:23:53,141 --> 00:23:54,767
<i>Everybody talking about cancel culture,</i>

467
00:23:54,851 --> 00:23:57,353
<i>Aunt Jemima's the only person</i>
<i>who truly got canceled.</i>

468
00:23:57,437 --> 00:24:00,899
<i>Like, they totally took her away.</i>

469
00:24:00,982 --> 00:24:04,694
<i>She was just minding her business,</i>
<i>representing for the thick bitches. Like…</i>

470
00:24:07,864 --> 00:24:10,200
<i>Nobody asked for that shit. [laughs]</i>

471
00:24:10,909 --> 00:24:12,243
<i>What a drag.</i>

472
00:24:13,703 --> 00:24:14,787
<i>What a drag.</i>

473
00:24:16,247 --> 00:24:17,957
<i>A lot of things have changed,</i>

474
00:24:18,583 --> 00:24:20,001
<i>but not the audacity of men.</i>

475
00:24:20,084 --> 00:24:21,002
<i>I…</i>

476
00:24:22,212 --> 00:24:23,671
<i>did not miss</i>

477
00:24:24,255 --> 00:24:27,091
<i>talking, hearing,</i>
<i>interacting with men at all.</i>

478
00:24:27,175 --> 00:24:30,345
<i>Uh, I'm not a man-hater.</i>
<i>Let me just say that.</i>

479
00:24:30,428 --> 00:24:32,639
<i>I know that's the wave.</i>
<i>I'm not a man-hater.</i>

480
00:24:32,722 --> 00:24:36,684
<i>But I just… I always give them</i>
<i>the benefit of the doubt. You know?</i>

481
00:24:37,227 --> 00:24:40,396
<i>I have to believe that they don't know</i>

482
00:24:40,480 --> 00:24:44,484
<i>how fucking weird and creepy</i>
<i>they're being all the goddamn time.</i>

483
00:24:44,567 --> 00:24:47,278
<i>I have to believe that</i>
<i>or I won't go outside. You know?</i>

484
00:24:47,362 --> 00:24:49,781
<i>I feel like that's how most women operate.</i>

485
00:24:49,864 --> 00:24:52,534
<i>We like, "I know there are</i>
<i>some good ones out there."</i>

486
00:24:52,617 --> 00:24:56,287
<i>Right? That's how we think</i>
<i>so we can go about our life. You know?</i>

487
00:24:56,788 --> 00:25:00,667
<i>"I heard my sister married one. She…"</i>

488
00:25:00,750 --> 00:25:03,002
<i>"Her brother, he was a good man."</i>

489
00:25:03,086 --> 00:25:04,879
<i>That's how we do it. You know?</i>

490
00:25:04,963 --> 00:25:08,341
<i>"I heard one time…</i>
<i>Now he dead, but I know…"</i>

491
00:25:10,969 --> 00:25:12,845
<i>[laughs]</i>

492
00:25:13,555 --> 00:25:14,472
<i>I'm a comedian.</i>

493
00:25:15,139 --> 00:25:16,140
<i>I ride in Ubers.</i>

494
00:25:17,517 --> 00:25:20,186
<i>I come home late, 3:00 a.m. sometimes.</i>
<i>How dare me? I know,</i>

495
00:25:20,770 --> 00:25:24,774
<i>but these drivers, they pull up</i>
<i>to the house, it's 3:00 a.m.</i>

496
00:25:24,857 --> 00:25:27,026
<i>They say shit like, "You live here alone?"</i>

497
00:25:27,110 --> 00:25:30,863
<i>Like, why would you say that?</i>
<i>Why don't you know that's creepy?</i>

498
00:25:30,947 --> 00:25:34,158
<i>That's happened to me multiple times.</i>
<i>"You live here alone?" Like…</i>

499
00:25:34,242 --> 00:25:37,078
<i>Twenty minutes of silence,</i>
<i>this is what you choose to say</i>

500
00:25:37,620 --> 00:25:39,122
<i>and when you choose to say it?</i>

501
00:25:39,205 --> 00:25:42,041
<i>What is happening right now?</i>
<i>They turn you into a liar.</i>

502
00:25:42,125 --> 00:25:44,794
<i>You gotta be like,</i>
<i>"No. It's just me and my two husbands."</i>

503
00:25:46,379 --> 00:25:48,339
<i>"And our pit bulls." You know?</i>

504
00:25:48,423 --> 00:25:51,009
<i>"We run a pit bull academy</i>
<i>if you want to come by."</i>

505
00:25:51,092 --> 00:25:54,053
<i>[laughs]</i>

506
00:25:57,515 --> 00:25:59,058
<i>It sucks 'cause I love Ubers.</i>

507
00:25:59,142 --> 00:26:02,228
<i>That's how I pretend that I'm rich.</i>
<i>I get in and I'm like, "Drive."</i>

508
00:26:03,396 --> 00:26:05,815
<i>That's my shit,</i>
<i>and they fuck it up for me.</i>

509
00:26:05,898 --> 00:26:09,402
<i>I wanna take naps and shit in the Uber,</i>
<i>but you can't nap in the Ubers.</i>

510
00:26:09,485 --> 00:26:12,196
<i>Right? Not with a male driver.</i>
<i>Ladies, we know that.</i>

511
00:26:12,280 --> 00:26:15,283
<i>Can't sleep. Can't even catch a wink.</i>

512
00:26:15,366 --> 00:26:17,118
<i>Once in a while I get a female driver.</i>

513
00:26:17,201 --> 00:26:19,370
<i>That little thing pops up.</i>
<i>I see the woman face.</i>

514
00:26:19,454 --> 00:26:23,124
<i>I'm like, "Ah!" Just light a joint.</i>
<i>"I'm about to relax." I love it.</i>

515
00:26:23,207 --> 00:26:24,292
<i>[grunts happily]</i>

516
00:26:25,168 --> 00:26:27,462
<i>Not with a male driver. Can't do that.</i>

517
00:26:28,004 --> 00:26:29,505
<i>You gotta… You know?</i>

518
00:26:32,634 --> 00:26:34,844
<i>Gotta let 'em see the whites. You know?</i>

519
00:26:37,221 --> 00:26:39,724
<i>You gotta not only be awake,</i>
<i>but make sure they know it.</i>

520
00:26:39,807 --> 00:26:42,185
<i>So that's posture and…</i>
<i>[exclaims] You know?</i>

521
00:26:43,603 --> 00:26:46,939
<i>I like to roll the window up and down.</i>
<i>[mimics power window]</i>

522
00:26:48,274 --> 00:26:50,443
<i>[mimics power window]</i>

523
00:26:50,985 --> 00:26:52,570
<i>Am I cold? Am I hot?</i>

524
00:26:53,279 --> 00:26:54,530
<i>What I am is awake.</i>

525
00:26:56,074 --> 00:26:58,076
<i>[mimics power window]</i>

526
00:26:59,577 --> 00:27:00,703
<i>[mimics power window]</i>

527
00:27:01,371 --> 00:27:03,915
<i>Gotta fart, every once…</i>
<i>[mimics fart] "That was me."</i>

528
00:27:04,874 --> 00:27:08,169
<i>"Whoo! That was me.</i>
<i>I would not touch me if I were you, sir."</i>

529
00:27:10,421 --> 00:27:12,548
<i>[mimics fart] "Oh, that's a wet one. Ooh!"</i>

530
00:27:13,341 --> 00:27:15,551
<i>"I am so unrapeable. I can't even…"</i>

531
00:27:16,552 --> 00:27:17,637
<i>[sighs]</i>

532
00:27:17,720 --> 00:27:19,764
<i>[laughs] Gotta stay alive.</i>

533
00:27:21,891 --> 00:27:25,603
<i>I've only fallen asleep one time</i>
<i>with a male driver. I remember…</i>

534
00:27:25,687 --> 00:27:28,773
<i>It only happened once.</i>
<i>That's why I remember it so clearly.</i>

535
00:27:28,856 --> 00:27:30,775
<i>I was sleeping and…</i>

536
00:27:31,359 --> 00:27:36,072
<i>You ever hear the </i>Law &amp; Order<i>…</i>
<i>[mimics sound effect] …in your head?</i>

537
00:27:38,408 --> 00:27:40,785
<i>I thought it was on the radio,</i>
<i>it was so clear.</i>

538
00:27:40,868 --> 00:27:44,080
<i>It was just my brain, my alert,</i>
<i>like, "What the fuck you doing?"</i>

539
00:27:44,163 --> 00:27:44,997
<i>You know?</i>

540
00:27:45,957 --> 00:27:49,168
<i>And sure enough, that weirdo</i>
<i>was staring at me dead in my eyeballs,</i>

541
00:27:49,252 --> 00:27:51,212
<i>and he didn't look away.</i>
<i>That's a murderer.</i>

542
00:27:52,130 --> 00:27:53,715
<i>Right? That's a murderer.</i>

543
00:27:53,798 --> 00:27:56,926
<i>Sane people know,</i>
<i>if you get caught staring,</i>

544
00:27:57,635 --> 00:27:59,804
<i>"Hey. Sorry." You know?</i>
<i>They're embarrassed.</i>

545
00:27:59,887 --> 00:28:03,141
<i>No. He was… You know?</i>
<i>I live in New York, so I'm like, "Hey!"</i>

546
00:28:03,224 --> 00:28:06,018
<i>You know what I mean?</i>
<i>But he didn't look away.</i>

547
00:28:06,102 --> 00:28:09,522
<i>That was ten minutes</i>
<i>of extended eye contact on that ride.</i>

548
00:28:09,605 --> 00:28:11,941
<i>I'm farting for my life in the back.</i>
<i>It was crazy.</i>

549
00:28:13,526 --> 00:28:15,278
<i>[laughs]</i>

550
00:28:15,361 --> 00:28:18,072
<i>-Thank you, guys, so much.</i>
<i>-[audience cheers wildly]</i>

551
00:28:18,156 --> 00:28:20,116
<i>[rap music plays on speakers]</i>

552
00:28:31,836 --> 00:28:35,214
<i>♪ Heavy metal in my bezel</i>
<i>Heavy sweat all in my sheets ♪</i>

553
00:28:35,298 --> 00:28:38,926
<i>♪ Every level got a devil</i>
<i>Man, somebody pray for me ♪</i>

554
00:28:39,010 --> 00:28:42,138
<i>♪ I'm a rock star</i>
<i>Money make my cock hard ♪</i>

555
00:28:42,221 --> 00:28:46,142
<i>♪ Baby, I'm a rock star</i>
<i>Money make my cock hard, yeah ♪</i>

556
00:28:46,225 --> 00:28:47,727
<i>♪ I'll drop the strap on a nigga ♪</i>

557
00:28:47,810 --> 00:28:49,896
<i>♪ He sending me</i>
<i>Quality pics of his bootyhole ♪</i>

558
00:28:49,979 --> 00:28:51,481
<i>♪ I can't even sweat the lil' nigga ♪</i>

559
00:28:51,564 --> 00:28:53,775
<i>♪ I look in his eye when I suck it</i>
<i>And steal his soul ♪</i>

560
00:28:53,858 --> 00:28:55,526
<i>♪ Almost hit Disney</i>
<i>To sue 'em 'bout Elsa ♪</i>

561
00:28:55,610 --> 00:28:57,445
<i>♪ We been knew</i>
<i>That mutha who really cold ♪</i>

562
00:28:57,528 --> 00:28:59,155
<i>♪ Bitches be feelin' theyself on the net ♪</i>

563
00:28:59,238 --> 00:29:01,157
<i>♪ These Helvetica hoochies</i>
<i>Ain't really bold ♪</i>

564
00:29:01,240 --> 00:29:03,242
<i>♪ I never needed approval</i>
<i>I know I'm that bitch ♪</i>

565
00:29:03,326 --> 00:29:04,827
<i>♪ I'm so groovy I got 'em shook ♪</i>

566
00:29:04,911 --> 00:29:07,038
<i>♪ I'm so remarkable</i>
<i>I bring out anger in bitches ♪</i>

567
00:29:07,121 --> 00:29:08,498
<i>♪ That don't even know how I look ♪</i>

568
00:29:08,581 --> 00:29:10,249
<i>♪ They see the truth</i>
<i>When they look at me ♪</i>

569
00:29:10,333 --> 00:29:12,627
<i>♪ They see they aunts</i>
<i>And they mama and granny, G… ♪</i>