[rap music playing]
♪ Heavy metal in my bezel Heavy sweat all in my sheets ♪
♪ Every level got a devil… ♪
[host] Everybody welcome the hilarious Janelle James!
[crowd cheering wildly]
Hey!
Aw!
Aw! For me?
Thank you.
How y'all get so much energy? I'm exhausted.
Outside is exhausting, and y'all so fucking… No, I appreciate it.
We outside, y'all.
[cheering]
It's a little… You know?
Right? Outside? Eh.
We built it up.
Built it up in our heads while we were inside, didn't we a bit?
A little overrated.
A little exhausting, like I said. You know?
[chuckles]
They built it up. They lied.
They said it was gonna be a bacchanal! That's what they was telling us.
Gonna be the Roaring '20s out this bitch. That's what they said.
It's just variants and people fighting on planes and shit.
There's bus people on planes now.
That's what's happening. There's bus people.
The airlines was hurting during the quarantine.
They said, "Yo, y'all wanna go to Cabo for $20 round-trip?"
Bus people heeded the call, packed up they fucking camo duffel bags,
and hit the skies. You know what I mean?
We all know what happens on Greyhound, so…
Now it's happening at 30,000 feet.
[audience applauds]
It's happening now. It's a drag.
Everybody was getting on Bezos
for getting his rocket, but he knows we gotta get above the bus people.
That's what's coming next.
Fucking "Amazon Air" is what he's doing.
Smart.
[chuckles]
He ain't go to space.
Right? He didn't go to space.
I don't like this thing where rich people just say shit
and we supposed to just believe it's true because they got money.
He did not go to space.
Correct me if I'm wrong. Like, space is…
[screams] That's space. Right?
That's going to space. Right?
[screams]
This nigga was like…
[laughs]
"A bird!" He didn't go to space.
That's not…
I don't like it. He's a liar.
[laughs]
I ain't do shit in quarantine. I ain't do nothing.
I ain't better myself, I ain't read a book,
learn an instrument. None of that.
I thought I was gonna die. Why would I do anything?
People was like, "I bet you wrote so many jokes."
"Nah. I was auditioning for Jesus. Ain't nobody…"
Freaking out reading the Bible and shit. What are you talking about?
Anybody that came out of quarantine a better person is a sociopath. Like…
If your brain wasn't screaming for months, like mine, you… Yeah!
Okay?
I was. I…
You ever try to trick God with your brain
and act like you've been doing it the whole time? Reading about him?
"Oh!" [chuckles]
"Whoo! Whenever you ready, Lord." That was me.
That was me in quarantine. Like, "Shit. Ready to go, man."
This shit was terrifying. [sighs]
I used to love Jesus. You know?
Right? I used to love Jesus. Like…
The brown-haired, blue-eyed Jesus. You know what I'm talking about?
You know? With the abs?
CrossFit Jesus.
Y'all know what I'm talking about. I used to love Jesus. Whoo!
I'm from the islands, so we're steeped in white Jesus. You know?
And my grandmother,
she had a picture of white Jesus on every wall of the house.
If you was taking a shit he was looking right at you.
It was weird.
But I remember she had a big picture of Jesus in the living room.
One day I was sitting, staring at it, she came up behind me.
She said, "That's right. Never forget."
"Jesus is always watching you."
And I was like… [flirtatiously] "Oh, my God."
"Stop it, Jesus."
[crowd laughs and cheers]
"Oh, my God."
What a fucked-up religion.
Why was Jesus so fine? What was the point of that?
I don't understand. They tell you not to think about sex
and now you gotta stare at this sexy deity every Sunday.
It's, like, crazy.
"Get on your knees and worship me."
"Don't mind if I do, motherfucker." What are you talking about? Like…
Abs after 30? That's a god…
worthy of praise.
[laughs]
I enjoyed quarantine. I liked everything.
I liked being in the house.
I liked the masks. I don't know why people were so…
in a rush to get rid of the masks.
I like the anonymity of the masks.
I ain't famous, but I still don't wanna talk to nobody.
I love it. You put the mask on, you put dark sunglasses on,
you a goddamn Avenger in the streets. Why would you be mad at that?
Nobody knows what crimes you about to go solve.
It's sexy.
I'm gonna miss men trying to figure out if I'm pretty or not just by my forehead.
You know?
That was cool.
Trying to calculate the forehead-to-eyebrow ratio.
You know what I mean? That was…
I'm gonna miss passing my best friends on the street
and not saying shit.
[laughs]
"Was that you over by the Target?" "No…" [mutters]
Small talk was dead. Right?
Finally, small talk was dead,
along with 500,000 of our closest loved ones,
but we made it.
-[audience groans] -We made-- Ah, now, don't…
It's too late to care now. We fucked up.
[scattered applause]
It's too late to care. Don't, "Aw."
Don't, "Aw."
We fucked up. If COVID was a test for humanity,
uh, pretty much failed.
Did we not? Any essential workers in here? Teachers? Nurses?
[scattered cheering]
I don't know how you not just stabbing necks in this shit.
We did essential workers so…
[laughs] …poorly. They say all heroes don't wear capes.
Apparently, they don't wear PPE either, right?
We had these niggas in trash bags and paper masks.
It was… It was a trip.
And so if you start stabbing… It's okay if you came just to stab.
You know? If this was Game of Thrones, essential workers would be the people
out front of the war, just… [groans] Getting hit by the arrows.
We just kicked y'all out there, like, "Y'all go out and see what's going on."
"Bring me back some Thai food."
[laughs]
Kept the economy going all by myself.
You're welcome.
Buying everything. I bought so much shit.
I've never bought more clothes to go less places in my life.
Where the fuck did I think I was going?
Everybody was shopping for who they thought they'd be
when quarantine was over.
-[woman whoops] -Right? The new me.
Right?
I think the new me is a whore.
[laughs]
Bralettes. I got 'em.
Bralettes, coochie cutters, all 2021.
We out here.
[chuckles]
I got to spend time with my kids. That was cool.
I didn't do that much in the before times.
I didn't. I was in the streets. You know?
Slinging these yuk-yuks, and, uh…
So it was good to spend time with them. That was my favorite part of quarantine.
Y'all remember beginning of quarantine, seeing all the celebrities
meet their kids for the first time?
Remember?
Peop… [laughs] People you didn't even know had kids
was on TikTok dancing with them all of a sudden.
The kid is like, "Who the fuck is this?" You know?
[laughs]
"Where is Consuela?"
I have two teenage boys.
So I feel really bad for them. You know?
Prime jerk-off time. You know?
And all of a sudden, I'm in the house 24/7
trying to be fun mom. Make up for lost time and shit.
So, uh, they hate my guts. You know?
Constantly kicking in the door, like, "Boom! Movie night!"
"What y'all doing? Wrap it up."
"We about to go watch Soul in the basement."
That's me.
[laughs]
"Guess who bought a puzzle?" That's me now.
[scattered applause]
They hate my guts.
[laughs]
Found out a lot about them. My youngest son got a dick now.
I didn't know that.
I didn't know he had a dick.
They say you blink and you miss it. It's true. I didn't know he had a dick.
I was sitting on the edge of my bed
and he ran by from the bathroom to… I guess he forgot his towel or whatever.
And I was like, "What the fuck was that?" Like…
It blew my mind.
"That's a dick. What?"
What?
That's a dick that need a job.
Okay?
Can't be walking around with all that dick and no income. That's disrespectful.
[scattered applause]
[laughs]
He used to have a "pee-pee."
You know? Last time I saw it, it was a pee-pee.
You change the diaper. You play rhythm guitar on the pee-pee.
♪ Ding, ding-a-ding, ding-a-ding ♪
[woman laughs loudly]
No other parents in here?
That's the best part about having a baby boy.
♪ Ding, ding-a-ding ♪
On the pee-pee. Sometimes you do the doorstopper.
[imitates coil springing]
[laughs]
I'm proud of him, is all I'm saying. He out here.
Proud of him.
Big ole' dick, like his mama.
[audience laughs and applauds]
He out here. That's my baby!
[cheering]
That's my baby.
[laughs]
Caught my oldest son watching porn, which…
I was like… This is why I was never around.
Who the fuck wants to deal… Anyway, point is…
he's watching porn. And, like I said, he's a teenager, so…
I didn't wanna weird him out about it. Give him a complex.
-I'm sex positive. You know? -[cheering]
It's not just for white women. You know what I mean?
-[laughing] -It's not, it's not.
I freed a nipple or two in my day. You know?
So I didn't wanna weird him out.
I think I handled it well.
What I did was, I was walking through and I said,
"I saw that." And I kept it moving.
Cool mom. That's how I played it. Cool mom, right?
"I saw that."
Kept it moving. Right?
And then I came back and I said,
"Could you watch Black people? Like, what the fuck are you doing?"
I wouldn't even have known he was watching porn
if not for the alabaster skin gleaming off the fucking iPad.
If he was watching niggas, he wouldn't be in trouble.
"What are you doing? Matter of fact, let me airdrop you
some suggestions 'cause this is a Black porn household."
"You are fucking up my legacy right now."
"What are you doing?"
[applauding]
"The fuck you think this is?"
When I think about my kids and their…
sex… sexuality… [mimics vomiting] Uh…
I don't care if they're gay or straight. I don't care about that stuff.
I just don't want no weirdo, you know?
I don't want no weirdo, and that's what happens
when kids get on the Internet and they see things too early,
and when their brain… The synapses is synapsing.
And then you got a weirdo.
Like, God forbid he becomes some kind of foot dude.
Like, what?
I ain't trying to kink-shame, but that's the worst one.
Have you ever been with a foot dude?
"Let me get in them toes."
"Sir!"
"If you don't go under a bridge…"
"Can you stop it? Oh, my God."
You don't even… I let them suck it,
but I judge the whole time, is all I'm saying.
[sighs]
[laughs]
Not my son.
I don't want no foot niggas in my family.
[laughs]
Or he could become one
of those socially awkward kids they have now,
they're scared to talk to girls,
and now they fucking robot pussies and shit.
I seen it! I seen a documentary.
I've seen all the documentaries. I was in a house for a year and a half.
The robots are coming.
C-U-M. Anyway, point is…
Ah, hey!
[laughs]
The robots are coming,
they're advanced, they look just like women,
they don't gain weight 'cause they don't eat bagels.
They're supposedly perfect, which is fine. Let 'em come.
But my problem with them is,
every time there's some kind of sex advancement for men
there's always this tone of, like,
"Women better watch out."
"Y'all better get y'all shit together. You'll get replaced."
"Men ain't gonna need you." And I'm like, "When? Hurry up. Like, go!"
"Go! Go fuck the robots."
"Leave us alone. When is it gonna happen?"
"Stop threatening me with a good time. Go away."
"The fuck are you talking about? Go fuck your robot." Men are so weird.
Men are so weird. I have a dildo, but I don't put a face on it.
What's wrong with you?
My kids handled quarantine very well.
Very proud of 'em.
My oldest son is an athlete
and he didn't get to do his sports.
He didn't get to talk to his friends, touch bitches.
All the shit that teenage boys wanna do, he ain't do any of it.
They handled it well. They wore their mask. Not only them.
Everybody in their peer groups, their friends. They social distanced.
Wore their mask, did what needed to be done. Right?
So it was really crazy to see grown-ass adults
lose they shit 'cause they couldn't go to Chili's for a couple months.
And everybody's trying to act like that was so long ago,
and it wasn't.
I know there's probably some fucking blooming onion aficionados in here, but…
I know that's not the right restaurant, but they are also complicit. The point is…
The point is, we don't know how to sacrifice, and it sucks.
This whole experience was disheartening.
Not that I had any faith in us anyway,
but it was even worse than I thought.
We don't know how to… How to, uh, sacrifice.
Y'all remember when we were mad at France?
I'm saying "we" but I mean white people, but we were mad at France.
Remember when we were mad? It was like, "Fuck France!"
"Fuck french fries." Remember that? Did we stop eating french fries?
No. They just changed the name to "freedom fries."
They couldn't even give up potatoes for a couple months. What is happening?
There's gay people at Chick-fil-A every week, like, "But the nuggets…"
[sighs]
"The Polynesian sauce."
"It's like you're there."
Fucking losers, man. Weird.
[flaps lips]
So much shit has happened in a short amount of time.
Why y'all not freaking out, man? I'm freaking out.
Can y'all tell I have the post-quarantine energy up here? I'm manic with it.
It's a lot of shit. So much shit happened, the government was like,
"Go ahead tell them about the aliens real quick." Like, that happened!
[audience applauds]
That happened.
[cheering]
They just slipped that shit right in there.
"By the way, they're real." [mimics bullet] That's how they did it.
And it sucks, 'cause I'm… The aliens is my shit!
And I missed it 'cause I was too busy disinfecting my fucking disinfectants.
It was… It's too much, it's too much.
Ugh.
[voice breaks] I lost my brother during quarantine.
Not to COVID.
He's a conspiracy theorist now, and, uh…
That nigga is gone.
Uh…
He might as well have died. I don't know who the fuck that dude is.
It's a drag to talk to him.
I don't know what he wants.
What do conspiracy theorists want? Uh… I don't know how to deal with him.
Anything he says, I say, "You right." I think that's what they want.
They just wanna be right, I guess?
It's such a drag to talk to him. Any QAnon in here?
[audience laughs]
That's impossible. But here's my favorite…
[laughs] 'Cause they everywhere.
Here's my favorite QAnon conspiracy that I'm following right now,
and I follow all of them because it's hilarious. Uh…
Apparently, it's Trump in the White House right now.
It's Joe Biden who has switched faces…
with Trump, and it's actually Trump in the White House in a Biden mask,
or some shit like that. This…
And it's not raving lunatics on the sidewalk that believe this.
These are teachers and lawyers.
Motherfuckers behind you in Trader Joes believing this shit
with their whole heart, and…
I don't know if y'all remember that lady
that got her face snatched off by the monkey. Anybody?
The recipient of the first face transplant.
Where did they unveil it? On a show called Oprah Winfrey.
I don't know if you remember.
When they unveiled that shit…
Do you remember? They unveiled it.
The claps didn't even connect. People didn't know…
They were like, "Is it finished?"
"Is there another reveal underneath that shit?"
She looked fucked up.
And people believe we got the technology to… Uh-uh.
They think it's some fucking John Travolta, Nic Cage shit going on
with all their heart.
I can't take it, but anyway…
My brother is a drag is the point. You know what I mean?
He walking around, "There's pedophiles in a pizza place in Pennsylvania."
Which… Vague.
What are you talking about? What does that mean?
"Pizza--" They wanna just transfer the shit into your head.
Now you walking around, "Pedophiles in…" Now you the crazy person.
That's what they wanna do.
"Pedophiles in a pizza place in Pennsylvania."
I'm like, "All right. Well, let me get my shoes on."
"Let's pull up. Let's go save the kids!"
You know? Some follow-through. Some plan of action.
You know what I mean? That's all I want. That's all I want.
He's still sitting there. I don't know what to do with this dude.
I don't know.
That's why I admire those Capitol stormers.
[audience laughs nervously]
Right? Talk about follow-through, right?
They did the damn thing.
They had their ideas. You know?
And they fucking followed through. Kudos to them, kudos to them.
[laughs]
Five thousand people, they said, stormed the Capitol.
Five thousand white people…
[audience applauds]
…stormed the Capitol.
What? That's crazy.
You know how hard it is to get 5,000 people together to do anything?
Group reservations.
Carpools and shit. Like… I can't vacation with three of my friends
without coming back with a mortal enemy. Are you fucking kidding me? 5,000 people?
5,000 people?
I'm like, "Bitch, I said I wanna go to the beach, get fucked up,
land on a dick every once in a while. Why am I on a zip line?"
"Like, I fucking hate you."
"What are you…? What is this?"
[audience applauds]
Not those patriots.
Right?
They did the damn thing.
Everybody had a job. Y'all remember?
Another thing they tryna act like was so long ago.
I remember just yesterday.
Everybody had a job.
"You fart on Pelosi's desk."
Right? "I'm gonna shit on the flag,
and then we meet back at Chili's." They did the damn thing!
Kudos to them. Kudos to them!
[laughs and grunts]
That was a crazy day for Black people, watching that shit. Right?
Smattering of Black people in here, right?
It was a crazy day, watching that shit.
Black people are in an abusive relationship with America.
Something happens, and then they tell us the opposite happened.
Right now the story for the Capitol stormers is,
this was just an adult field trip…
for 5,000 people who wanted to learn about our forefathers
and spend some time in downtown D.C.
That's what they telling us
even though we seen that shit with our googlies.
You know? What do you…?
We was wildin' watching that shit on TV.
Went through all the emotions, Black people. Right?
-[man] Yes. -[woman] Yup.
First emotion. [scoffs] "They about to get shot."
[audience applauds]
Whoo!
Second emotion, "Shoot them niggas."
"Shoot 'em!"
"And right-fucking-now."
Third emotion, "They ain't gonna shoot these niggas. I swear!"
Fourth emotion, "If that was me? If that was you? If that was us?"
[laughs and groans]
They be fucking with us, man.
They be fucking with us.
We asked for reparations. What'd they do? Got rid of Aunt Jemima.
Who the fuck…
asked for that?
Nobody thinking about Aunt Jemima. Black people moved on from high-fructose.
I don't know if… We up in maple now. We up in maple syrup. The As, the Bs.
Everybody talking about cancel culture,
Aunt Jemima's the only person who truly got canceled.
Like, they totally took her away.
She was just minding her business, representing for the thick bitches. Like…
Nobody asked for that shit. [laughs]
What a drag.
A lot of things have changed,
but not the audacity of men.
I…
did not miss
talking, hearing, interacting with men at all.
Uh, I'm not a man-hater. Let me just say that.
I know that's the wave. I'm not a man-hater.
But I just… I always give them the benefit of the doubt. You know?
I have to believe that they don't know
how fucking weird and creepy they're being all the goddamn time.
I have to believe that or I won't go outside. You know?
I feel like that's how most women operate.
We like, "I know there are some good ones out there."
Right? That's how we think so we can go about our life. You know?
"I heard my sister married one. She…"
"Her brother, he was a good man."
That's how we do it. You know?
"I heard one time… Now he dead, but I know…"
[laughs]
I'm a comedian.
I ride in Ubers.
I come home late, 3:00 a.m. sometimes. How dare me? I know,
but these drivers, they pull up to the house, it's 3:00 a.m.
They say shit like, "You live here alone?"
Like, why would you say that? Why don't you know that's creepy?
That's happened to me multiple times. "You live here alone?" Like…
Twenty minutes of silence, this is what you choose to say
and when you choose to say it?
What is happening right now? They turn you into a liar.
You gotta be like, "No. It's just me and my two husbands."
"And our pit bulls." You know?
"We run a pit bull academy if you want to come by."
[laughs]
It sucks 'cause I love Ubers.
That's how I pretend that I'm rich. I get in and I'm like, "Drive."
That's my shit, and they fuck it up for me.
I wanna take naps and shit in the Uber, but you can't nap in the Ubers.
Right? Not with a male driver. Ladies, we know that.
Can't sleep. Can't even catch a wink.
Once in a while I get a female driver.
That little thing pops up. I see the woman face.
I'm like, "Ah!" Just light a joint. "I'm about to relax." I love it.
[grunts happily]
Not with a male driver. Can't do that.
You gotta… You know?
Gotta let 'em see the whites. You know?
You gotta not only be awake, but make sure they know it.
So that's posture and… [exclaims] You know?
I like to roll the window up and down. [mimics power window]
Am I cold? Am I hot?
What I am is awake.
[mimics power window]
Gotta fart, every once… [mimics fart] "That was me."
"Whoo! That was me. I would not touch me if I were you, sir."
[mimics fart] "Oh, that's a wet one. Ooh!"
"I am so unrapeable. I can't even…"
[sighs]
[laughs] Gotta stay alive.
I've only fallen asleep one time with a male driver. I remember…
It only happened once. That's why I remember it so clearly.
I was sleeping and…
You ever hear the Law & Order… [mimics sound effect] …in your head?
I thought it was on the radio, it was so clear.
It was just my brain, my alert, like, "What the fuck you doing?"
You know?
And sure enough, that weirdo was staring at me dead in my eyeballs,
and he didn't look away. That's a murderer.
Right? That's a murderer.
Sane people know, if you get caught staring,
"Hey. Sorry." You know? They're embarrassed.
No. He was… You know? I live in New York, so I'm like, "Hey!"
You know what I mean? But he didn't look away.
That was ten minutes of extended eye contact on that ride.
I'm farting for my life in the back. It was crazy.
[laughs]
-Thank you, guys, so much. -[audience cheers wildly]
[rap music plays on speakers]
♪ Heavy metal in my bezel Heavy sweat all in my sheets ♪
♪ Every level got a devil Man, somebody pray for me ♪
♪ I'm a rock star Money make my cock hard ♪
♪ Baby, I'm a rock star Money make my cock hard, yeah ♪
♪ I'll drop the strap on a nigga ♪
♪ He sending me Quality pics of his bootyhole ♪
♪ I can't even sweat the lil' nigga ♪
♪ I look in his eye when I suck it And steal his soul ♪
♪ Almost hit Disney To sue 'em 'bout Elsa ♪
♪ We been knew That mutha who really cold ♪
♪ Bitches be feelin' theyself on the net ♪
♪ These Helvetica hoochies Ain't really bold ♪
♪ I never needed approval I know I'm that bitch ♪
♪ I'm so groovy I got 'em shook ♪
♪ I'm so remarkable I bring out anger in bitches ♪
♪ That don't even know how I look ♪
♪ They see the truth When they look at me ♪
♪ They see they aunts And they mama and granny, G… ♪