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‪NETFLIX 喜劇特輯

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{\an8}‪歡迎紐奧良之子，馬克諾曼德

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‪大家好

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‪喜劇，是吧？

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‪我們是來真的，各位

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‪謝謝大家光臨，很高興來到這裡

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‪怪胎，謝了，媽

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‪好耶，我們都打疫苗了

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‪你們都打疫苗沒？

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‪很好

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‪我打網路買到的，看效果如何

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‪我在西側公路看到幾個人
‪自己在打疫苗

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‪我心想：“他們真棒”

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‪對，沒錯

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‪一定是第二劑，因為他看來有點暈眩

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‪好的

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‪隔離期間胖了一點

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‪我想我們都因為疫情胖了些

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‪什麼吳柏毅、富胖達

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‪我得節制才行，因為我是個胖小孩

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‪我真的很胖，從小就長了胸部

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‪不覺得怪嗎？
‪男人一胖就長出女人的器官

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‪女士們完全不必擔心這個

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‪女人變胖只是變成胖女人

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‪如果男人變胖也變成胖女人

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‪我們不會長出男人的器官

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‪不會像說
‪“那天，我在河邊看到譚美”

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‪“媽呀，她胖到長出一對蛋蛋”

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‪當個胖小孩也有些好處

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‪去朋友家過夜的時候

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‪朋友說：“不知道
‪胸部摸起來是什麼感覺？”

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‪我心想：“算你好運”

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‪沒人喜歡男人胸部
‪我到處問過，我做過研究

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‪沒人喜歡有毛又擠不出奶的奶子

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‪但男人胸部在這個國家是合法的

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‪克里夫蘭的胖男人光著上身，沒問題

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‪克里夫蘭的女人光著上身，不當裸露

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‪那才是大家喜歡的奶子
‪是哪裡有毛病？

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‪我們美國有怪異的胸部規範

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‪女性露出乳頭，違法

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‪男性露出乳頭，合法

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‪女性露出乳頭給嬰兒吸，合法

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‪男性露出乳頭給嬰兒吸

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‪嚴重違法

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‪怪異的規範

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‪這是我的看法

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‪女性乳頭就像大麻

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‪有趣、無害，但仍舊多半違法

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‪男人胸部就像香菸
‪有點噁心，沒人喜歡

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‪你幹嘛帶到海邊來？

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‪我們合法錯東西了

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‪說到奶子，讓我震驚的是
‪我女友是波霸

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‪女人走進店裡

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‪會說：“我是B、我是C、我是D”

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‪男人可沒那麼堅強

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‪要是叫男人在大庭廣眾下說
‪“我是A”

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‪還不如叫他去死

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‪絕對撐不到20分鐘吧？

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‪某個男人跳樓
‪遺書寫著：“每次都是A-”

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‪不過，這一定要說清楚，是吧？

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‪我知道我2021年還用肥胖當笑料
‪早就被罵爆了

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‪有人對我說

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‪“老兄，現在說人家‘胖’
‪和種族歧視貶詞沒兩樣”

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‪我說：“好，也許吧”

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‪“但這是唯一有高低波動的貶詞”

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‪對吧？

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‪你的體重能高低起伏

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‪總不會有人說
‪“在過節期間，我整個人變得很黑”

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‪“我得節食，把這身墨西哥味減一點”

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‪我們難免會拿肥胖開玩笑

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‪應該沒人真的痛恨胖子

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‪不會有人說：“那社區原本很好
‪後來搬來一群死胖子”

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‪“現在不用我說你也知道”

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‪不會的，我們都愛胖子，對吧？

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‪佛祖、聖誕老公公
‪某些時期的歐普拉

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‪是的，很高興到紐約來

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‪紐約多美女

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‪這裡沒有，不過…

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‪我開玩笑的，我願意屈身為妳獻舌

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‪是的

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‪女士們，妳們非常性感
‪男人想和妳們上床

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‪妳們不輕易就範，這個我懂

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‪要是有人要把東西放進我身體
‪我一定會問清楚

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‪兄弟們，你們要努力爭取才行

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‪我覺得陰道就像大學

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‪你要先被接受

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‪和大學一樣，有錢要進去很容易

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‪“那個人是怎麼進去的？
‪他又沒什麼錢”

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‪“沒辦法，他是運動員”

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‪是的

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‪沒錯，和大學很像

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‪有些富有盛名
‪“你進了那裡？了不起”

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‪你另一個朋友說：“我進了那裡”

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‪你說：“整個社區都進了那裡”

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‪“你進得去是因為你老爸去過”

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‪女士們，妳們比男人迷人多了

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‪妳們在性方面可以多挑剔些

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‪妳們挑選性伴侶可不是開玩笑的

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‪要問很多問題，像NBA選秀一樣

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‪“他幾歲？上哪間大學？
‪他有多高？”

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‪男士們，我們挑選性伴侶
‪像臨時湊合的

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‪“我選妳…”

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‪“妳身材走樣，但我知道妳會更努力”

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‪我有個朋友很漂亮
‪她要找男人完全沒問題

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‪她老是說得義正辭嚴

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‪我有一次聽她說
‪“我絕不會和共和黨員上床”

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‪我說：“真的？”

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‪她說：“對，如果我脫光了躺在床上

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‪發現他是共和黨員，我會改變主意”

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‪我心想
‪“要是我在當下，我會馬上換黨”

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‪關我什麼事？又不是真的會討論議題

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‪總不會她趴在我身上
‪我還在說：“氣候變遷是假議題”

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‪如果我和共和黨女士上床
‪我會戴保險套

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‪因為萬一有了什麼，她都想留著

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‪好的

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‪墮胎哏來了

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‪我不知道各位對墮胎的立場如何

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‪我對墮胎的看法
‪和調整飛機座位椅背一樣

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‪我知道會惹人厭，但如果我有得選擇

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‪我就不客氣了

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‪對吧？

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‪人家問我：“你靠哪邊？”
‪我說：“我靠背”

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‪是的

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‪但男人都好色
‪兄弟們，我們都很好色，真討厭

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‪我們這麼好色真討厭，真不好玩

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‪然後女人常說
‪“我們和男人一樣好色”

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‪拜託

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‪拜託，女士們，妳們根本不懂

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‪妳們不懂每次家族團聚時

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‪說：“交給我辦”

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‪那是病態

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‪我們的判斷失準，無法清楚思考

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‪所以史上每一個男人的偉大發明
‪都是在高潮之後想到的

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‪他那時腦袋才是清楚的

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‪他想到…

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‪“氣炸鍋”

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‪對，我有一次為了這個和朋友吵架

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‪她說：“我們和男人一樣好色”

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‪我說：“妳要跟我上床嗎？”
‪她說：“才不要”

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‪我說：“我會跟妳上床
‪我想這下結案了”

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‪“那不一樣，我對你沒感覺”

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‪我說：“我對妳也沒感覺”

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‪那到底有什麼關係？

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‪女士們，妳們當然也好色
‪但妳們要藏起來

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‪妳們不能漏餡
‪否則會在奇利斯餐廳被撲倒

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‪妳們要藏起來
‪不過妳們會把情緒顯露出來

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‪我女友說她從高中以來每天哭

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‪我說：“妳還好嗎？”

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‪她說：“沒事
‪我就是這樣，我情緒一來

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‪就躲起來，用光一包衛生紙”

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‪我說：“我們的日常還蠻類似的”

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‪她說：“如果我不這樣發洩
‪就沒辦法正常運作”

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‪我說：“我們倆都是”

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‪她說：“我看電影會感動到不行”

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‪我說：“我看電影也很有感”

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‪我說：“妳那部電影才看了30秒？”

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‪她說：“什麼？”，我說：“沒事”

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‪這是天生的

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‪女士們的情緒來得很怪
‪和男人好色一樣

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‪每個女人上班時都說過
‪“我也不知道我為什麼會哭”

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‪每個男人在葬禮上都說過
‪“我也不知道為什麼我會硬”

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‪都怪那個開棺瞻仰

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‪不過謝天謝地，女士們

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‪謝天謝地，女士們

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‪妳們會發現
‪和性完全無關的東西很性感

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‪真是謝天謝地

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‪妳們會發現
‪和性完全無關的東西很性感

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‪看來也是，因為這裡根本沒感覺

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‪要再深入一點才行

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‪有個脫光的男人在妳面前

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‪妳想到：“記得他開車技術很好”

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‪妳們會發現和性完全無關…

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‪我第一次約女友出去，計畫得很周全

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‪晚餐、酒、電影、冰淇淋

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‪結果她說
‪“你計畫得好周全，好帥”

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‪做計畫很帥？

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‪那樣很帥？做計畫？

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‪說個好笑的笑話
‪“有幽默感，讓人慾火焚身”

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‪用現金付帳？“你有錢，好性感”

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‪但臥室裡的那些事，不性感

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‪在卿卿我我之際，我拿出保險套

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‪她說：“你想太多了吧？”

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‪我說：“我都計畫好了”

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‪我以為妳會喜歡？好吧

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‪現在尷尬了

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‪對了，她喜歡搞笑
‪我來吐槽她好了

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‪“妳那個也叫陰蒂？”

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‪顯然很好笑
‪突然間又不帥了，搞什麼？

189
00:09:06,463 --> 00:09:07,840
‪她穿好衣服要走了

190
00:09:07,923 --> 00:09:10,259
‪我想到：“對了，她喜歡錢
‪來，謝謝妳撥冗前來”

191
00:09:12,886 --> 00:09:14,722
‪太奇妙了，女士們

192
00:09:14,805 --> 00:09:15,931
‪我會聽妳們女生說話

193
00:09:16,015 --> 00:09:18,976
‪以我的理解，妳們喜歡大費周章的性

194
00:09:19,059 --> 00:09:21,937
‪女人描述性體驗時總是很繁複

195
00:09:22,021 --> 00:09:23,063
‪“他帶我去巴黎”

196
00:09:23,147 --> 00:09:25,733
‪“我們在俯瞰大海的陽台上做愛”

197
00:09:25,816 --> 00:09:27,192
‪所有女生都沸騰了

198
00:09:27,985 --> 00:09:30,487
‪對男人而言，越簡單越辣

199
00:09:30,571 --> 00:09:33,282
‪男人說：“我們本來要去購物中心
‪結果在走廊上就做了

200
00:09:33,365 --> 00:09:34,491
‪不用去購物中心了”

201
00:09:36,201 --> 00:09:37,745
‪所有男人都沸騰了

202
00:09:39,413 --> 00:09:41,498
‪告訴我們妳想要什麼，我們都照做

203
00:09:41,582 --> 00:09:43,959
‪我們要妳們開心，想取悅妳們
‪妳們直說就好

204
00:09:44,043 --> 00:09:44,918
‪“我要你去想”

205
00:09:45,586 --> 00:09:48,464
‪不可能，直說就好

206
00:09:48,547 --> 00:09:51,008
‪能打動女人的東西總是讓我驚訝不已

207
00:09:51,091 --> 00:09:52,801
‪我帶女友去寵物店

208
00:09:52,885 --> 00:09:54,970
‪我的媽呀，女生一進到寵物店

209
00:09:55,888 --> 00:09:57,556
‪那裡就是妳們的脫衣舞廳

210
00:09:58,432 --> 00:10:01,810
‪女人一走進寵物店
‪就像好色男人進了脫衣舞廳

211
00:10:01,894 --> 00:10:03,228
‪妳們一進去馬上失控

212
00:10:03,312 --> 00:10:05,022
‪“天啊！每個我都想摸”

213
00:10:06,357 --> 00:10:09,401
‪我說：“冷靜點
‪有些經歷過破碎家庭，會攻擊妳”

214
00:10:10,778 --> 00:10:12,613
‪她一路走過去和好色男人沒兩樣

215
00:10:12,696 --> 00:10:15,991
‪“這隻漂亮、這隻好美、那隻好完美
‪我最喜歡這隻”

216
00:10:16,075 --> 00:10:20,913
‪店經理說：“那是蘿西
‪大家都喜歡蘿西，把蘿西帶過來”

217
00:10:20,996 --> 00:10:23,832
‪他們把蘿西帶過來
‪去了隱密空間，蘿西坐在她腿上

218
00:10:23,916 --> 00:10:25,542
‪她說：“我發誓，牠愛上我了“

219
00:10:25,626 --> 00:10:27,461
‪我說：“不，牠在追求更好的生活”

220
00:10:30,798 --> 00:10:32,007
‪拜託

221
00:10:32,549 --> 00:10:35,177
‪這就對了！

222
00:10:37,888 --> 00:10:38,847
‪好耶

223
00:10:39,515 --> 00:10:40,474
‪好熱情的觀眾

224
00:10:40,557 --> 00:10:41,892
‪但我要振作起來

225
00:10:41,975 --> 00:10:45,270
‪你已經萬事俱備了，先生
‪你戴了眼睛，沒錯

226
00:10:45,354 --> 00:10:47,106
‪我要振作起來

227
00:10:47,189 --> 00:10:49,149
‪上週被懷孕的事虛驚一場

228
00:10:49,233 --> 00:10:51,527
‪你記得，是的…

229
00:10:52,152 --> 00:10:54,405
‪為了確認，驗了好幾次

230
00:10:54,488 --> 00:10:56,782
‪我趁她沒注意，尿在其中一個

231
00:10:56,865 --> 00:10:58,575
‪結果是陽性

232
00:10:59,368 --> 00:11:02,204
‪這怪了，我上網去查
‪說我可能得了睪丸癌

233
00:11:02,705 --> 00:11:05,290
‪我心想：“靠，還是比有小孩好”

234
00:11:06,834 --> 00:11:09,420
‪這是唯一癌症勝過小孩的機會

235
00:11:09,503 --> 00:11:11,213
‪因為你把它打趴，大家都替你高興

236
00:11:15,968 --> 00:11:18,804
‪我女友對床笫之事很熱衷

237
00:11:18,887 --> 00:11:20,764
‪她喜歡在臥室用按摩棒
‪讓我在旁邊看

238
00:11:21,682 --> 00:11:23,726
‪挺辣的，但你會漸漸覺得自己過氣了

239
00:11:25,018 --> 00:11:28,981
‪感覺自己像連鎖藥局的店員
‪而她在用自助結帳

240
00:11:30,649 --> 00:11:32,443
‪我心想：“看來妳都知道該怎麼做

241
00:11:32,526 --> 00:11:34,153
‪不過如果妳卡住了，找我就對了”

242
00:11:35,487 --> 00:11:37,156
‪過了半小時，你心想

243
00:11:37,239 --> 00:11:39,241
‪“靠，這些機器人
‪把我們的活搶走了”

244
00:11:42,161 --> 00:11:43,912
‪她很愛玩，會在外面做這些事

245
00:11:43,996 --> 00:11:46,206
‪很性感，但會讓你陷入尷尬情境

246
00:11:46,290 --> 00:11:49,585
‪有次我們去雜貨店
‪她把屁股翹起來讓我打個幾下

247
00:11:49,668 --> 00:11:52,296
‪有個六歲小孩跑過來
‪他說：“她做錯什麼了？”

248
00:11:55,591 --> 00:11:57,801
‪我說：“什麼？”
‪他說：“她是壞女孩嗎？”

249
00:11:57,885 --> 00:11:59,845
‪我說：“她的確很壞”

250
00:12:00,637 --> 00:12:03,307
‪我這才驚覺
‪我和那孩子說了同樣的話

251
00:12:03,390 --> 00:12:05,476
‪但完全是兩回事

252
00:12:05,559 --> 00:12:07,728
‪他說：“她很調皮嗎？”
‪我說：“她很調皮”

253
00:12:07,811 --> 00:12:10,898
‪他說：“他有很多玩具嗎？”
‪我說：“她臥室裡堆滿的玩具”

254
00:12:11,648 --> 00:12:13,901
‪他說：“你應該學我爸媽怎麼教訓我”

255
00:12:13,984 --> 00:12:16,236
‪我說：“怎麼教訓法？”
‪“在她面前玩她的玩具”

256
00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:18,155
‪我心想：“靠，也許我就這麼做”

257
00:12:19,031 --> 00:12:20,699
‪這小孩真髒

258
00:12:23,118 --> 00:12:25,788
‪我女友一直在逼婚

259
00:12:25,871 --> 00:12:26,997
‪我年紀也大了

260
00:12:27,873 --> 00:12:29,958
‪我乾脆拔槍自盡算了

261
00:12:30,042 --> 00:12:31,001
‪是的

262
00:12:31,794 --> 00:12:34,922
‪怎麼說？已婚男人變得怪異又沉默

263
00:12:35,005 --> 00:12:36,673
‪變得很土，懂嗎？

264
00:12:36,757 --> 00:12:38,550
‪已婚男人會對東西很痴迷

265
00:12:38,634 --> 00:12:42,930
‪有注意到嗎？車子、吉他
‪球鞋、紀念品、模型火車

266
00:12:43,514 --> 00:12:45,349
‪你不會看到單身男子玩模型火車

267
00:12:46,141 --> 00:12:48,560
‪你去哥兒們家約他
‪“要不要去夜店？”

268
00:12:48,644 --> 00:12:51,313
‪他說：“噓，火車正要過山洞”

269
00:12:52,564 --> 00:12:53,524
‪不可能有種事

270
00:12:53,607 --> 00:12:55,067
‪一定是已婚男子在地下室

271
00:12:55,150 --> 00:12:57,110
‪說：“我他媽的是這裡的市長”

272
00:13:01,240 --> 00:13:02,574
‪我朋友的太太離開他了

273
00:13:02,658 --> 00:13:03,909
‪結婚八年，她說走就走

274
00:13:03,992 --> 00:13:05,994
‪因為八年下來他對她一無所知

275
00:13:06,078 --> 00:13:07,996
‪一件事也說不出來，她就走了

276
00:13:08,080 --> 00:13:09,164
‪走得好，不怪她

277
00:13:09,248 --> 00:13:11,166
‪他可以花20分鐘描述一隻手錶

278
00:13:11,250 --> 00:13:14,336
‪“這是1941年的潛水錶，超稀有的”

279
00:13:14,419 --> 00:13:17,339
‪“要是你也這麼瞭解你老婆
‪她就不會離開了”

280
00:13:17,422 --> 00:13:18,966
‪所以我聽女人這麼說都覺得怪

281
00:13:19,049 --> 00:13:21,260
‪“我是人，別把我當成東西”

282
00:13:21,343 --> 00:13:22,803
‪我心想：“不，那才是妳要的”

283
00:13:23,679 --> 00:13:26,640
‪妳不知道男人對東西會多痴迷
‪他這樣對待妳是妳賺到

284
00:13:26,723 --> 00:13:28,183
‪大部分男人對女友一無所知

285
00:13:28,267 --> 00:13:29,685
‪把妳當成東西，鉅細靡遺

286
00:13:29,768 --> 00:13:31,895
‪“這是1988年康乃狄克的猶太人”

287
00:13:33,856 --> 00:13:37,484
‪"沒錯，把她放在地下室
‪有恆溫控制”

288
00:13:38,443 --> 00:13:40,028
‪至少你不是在看謎片

289
00:13:40,112 --> 00:13:42,072
‪先生，你喜歡看謎片，前臂很壯

290
00:13:44,449 --> 00:13:46,159
‪現在太多謎片了

291
00:13:46,827 --> 00:13:48,287
‪要找謎片太容易了

292
00:13:48,370 --> 00:13:50,038
‪我小時候色情的東西太難找了

293
00:13:50,122 --> 00:13:51,790
‪記得當年？要偷一本《花花公子》

294
00:13:51,874 --> 00:13:53,542
‪和童軍服務員躲進樹林裡

295
00:13:56,253 --> 00:13:57,588
‪現在謎片就在你口袋裡

296
00:13:58,422 --> 00:14:00,340
‪現在謎片對我而言和咖啡沒兩樣

297
00:14:00,424 --> 00:14:03,010
‪我每天都要，根本沒什麼感覺
‪一定要黑的

298
00:14:06,513 --> 00:14:07,347
‪沒錯

299
00:14:08,307 --> 00:14:10,392
‪我有時候會想
‪男人為何要看那麼多謎片

300
00:14:10,475 --> 00:14:11,435
‪我想我知道原因

301
00:14:11,518 --> 00:14:12,978
‪謎片讓一切變得更美好

302
00:14:13,061 --> 00:14:15,522
‪看看謎片的分類，都是我討厭的

303
00:14:15,606 --> 00:14:19,192
‪辦公室、教師、醫院、健身房

304
00:14:19,276 --> 00:14:21,612
‪這些都是我討厭的
‪現在成了謎片，我無法自拔

305
00:14:22,571 --> 00:14:24,573
‪在看謎片之前，我痛恨我的繼親家庭

306
00:14:30,829 --> 00:14:31,872
‪在疫情期間

307
00:14:31,955 --> 00:14:33,999
‪我看了太多謎片
‪和太多終極格鬥冠軍賽

308
00:14:34,082 --> 00:14:35,709
‪兩個開始混在一起了

309
00:14:36,501 --> 00:14:38,337
‪開始在我腦裡交換了

310
00:14:38,420 --> 00:14:41,006
‪我現在看終極格鬥冠軍賽
‪會想：“這怎麼有點色情？”

311
00:14:41,089 --> 00:14:43,467
‪等我看謎片時又覺得
‪“怎麼搞得這麼暴力？”

312
00:14:44,551 --> 00:14:45,761
‪連用詞都交換了

313
00:14:45,844 --> 00:14:49,348
‪所有色情用語變得暴力
‪而武術名詞變得性感

314
00:14:49,431 --> 00:14:51,266
‪有沒有聽過武術名詞？很性感的

315
00:14:51,350 --> 00:14:54,895
‪騎乘、後背位裸絞、地面打擊

316
00:14:56,438 --> 00:14:58,398
‪所有色情用語變得暴力了

317
00:14:58,482 --> 00:15:00,817
‪碰、撞、我要用力、打起來

318
00:15:00,901 --> 00:15:02,819
‪“吉兒怎麼了？” ，“她中拳了”

319
00:15:02,903 --> 00:15:04,821
‪我的天啊！

320
00:15:06,114 --> 00:15:08,742
‪大家很愛批評終極格鬥冠軍賽
‪“那太野蠻了”

321
00:15:08,825 --> 00:15:11,787
‪我覺得比謎片有格調多了
‪至少有裁判

322
00:15:12,537 --> 00:15:14,373
‪我們都看過那種謎片

323
00:15:14,456 --> 00:15:16,083
‪“天啊！一打四”

324
00:15:16,166 --> 00:15:18,126
‪“要有人出手阻止才行”

325
00:15:18,210 --> 00:15:19,753
‪“那可憐的女人完蛋了”

326
00:15:21,088 --> 00:15:23,048
‪女子終極格鬥冠軍賽如何？

327
00:15:23,131 --> 00:15:24,216
‪她們也太悍了

328
00:15:24,299 --> 00:15:26,885
‪我曾和一個布隆克斯的
‪波多黎各女人交往了一陣子

329
00:15:26,969 --> 00:15:28,637
‪她很好勝，真的

330
00:15:28,720 --> 00:15:30,389
‪她常說：“我可以去當格鬥選手”

331
00:15:30,472 --> 00:15:33,266
‪我說：“妳怎麼可能？“
‪她說：“你覺得我不夠悍嗎？”

332
00:15:33,350 --> 00:15:35,394
‪我說：“他們會把
‪妳的年齡、體重播出來”

333
00:15:37,604 --> 00:15:40,524
‪這兩個不該問女人的東西
‪直接在電視上播出來

334
00:15:40,607 --> 00:15:42,985
‪想像對一個男人
‪問兩個最敏感的問題

335
00:15:43,068 --> 00:15:44,403
‪“想當格鬥士嗎？”，“想”

336
00:15:44,486 --> 00:15:46,571
‪“你的銀行帳戶和老二尺寸？”
‪“我不幹了”

337
00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:51,576
‪以我豐富的情場經驗

338
00:15:51,660 --> 00:15:53,745
‪我應該很適合
‪當女子格鬥士的場邊教練

339
00:15:53,829 --> 00:15:56,540
‪要是她快輸了，我只要喊：“冷靜”

340
00:15:56,623 --> 00:15:57,457
‪她就會…

341
00:15:59,793 --> 00:16:01,169
‪“妳反應過度了”

342
00:16:02,337 --> 00:16:03,797
‪“妳和妳媽沒兩樣”

343
00:16:05,507 --> 00:16:06,425
‪對手就死了

344
00:16:09,469 --> 00:16:10,679
‪你們很上道

345
00:16:10,762 --> 00:16:12,848
‪現在很多人很敏感

346
00:16:12,931 --> 00:16:15,350
‪有些喜劇演員不喜歡把人叫醒

347
00:16:15,434 --> 00:16:17,144
‪但都比不上寇斯比

348
00:16:24,609 --> 00:16:26,319
‪那個你絕對不能睡

349
00:16:28,822 --> 00:16:31,783
‪至少你們都走出門，過正常生活

350
00:16:32,492 --> 00:16:34,327
‪有些人沉淪在網路裡

351
00:16:34,411 --> 00:16:36,413
‪整天和人吵架、抱怨這、抱怨那

352
00:16:36,496 --> 00:16:37,914
‪我一天到晚在推特上被罵

353
00:16:37,998 --> 00:16:40,500
‪“這喜劇演員說了‘陰吹’”

354
00:16:42,669 --> 00:16:46,131
‪我心想：“這是你一天的感想？
‪去外面走走、找個興趣、去死吧”

355
00:16:46,214 --> 00:16:47,549
‪“你在搞什麼？”

356
00:16:47,632 --> 00:16:50,052
‪“我們到地球短暫走一遭
‪你要這樣過日子？”

357
00:16:50,135 --> 00:16:53,638
‪“四億個精子都輸給你
‪結果你花九個小時逛臉書？”

358
00:16:53,722 --> 00:16:56,266
‪“也許你早學會敲木琴了
‪你這廢渣，去抱你的孩子”

359
00:16:58,018 --> 00:17:00,562
‪所以我喜歡動物，動物不會發推特

360
00:17:00,645 --> 00:17:02,981
‪動物們日子過得很苦
‪但牠們毫無怨言

361
00:17:03,065 --> 00:17:05,609
‪你能想像非洲羚羊發推特嗎？

362
00:17:05,692 --> 00:17:07,611
‪我們抱怨根本不夠看

363
00:17:07,694 --> 00:17:10,322
‪一頭羚羊說
‪“餓了一個禮拜，終於找到水

364
00:17:10,405 --> 00:17:13,075
‪我看著鱷魚吃了我唯一的孩子
‪我真命苦”

365
00:17:15,994 --> 00:17:18,997
‪動物的優點就在這裡，牠們從不抱怨

366
00:17:19,081 --> 00:17:22,459
‪所以我愛看《動物星球》
‪發生各種慘劇，牠們就是有辦法面對

367
00:17:22,542 --> 00:17:24,461
‪你看著一匹斑馬被四頭獅子追著跑

368
00:17:24,544 --> 00:17:26,546
‪牠們咬了牠的屁股
‪咬住牠的脖子不讓牠跑

369
00:17:26,630 --> 00:17:28,840
‪牠還有辦法一腳
‪踢中其中一頭的臉逃走

370
00:17:28,924 --> 00:17:30,092
‪就這樣，沒事了

371
00:17:30,175 --> 00:17:31,134
‪沒事了

372
00:17:31,218 --> 00:17:32,552
‪你不會接著看到斑馬感嘆說

373
00:17:35,472 --> 00:17:38,100
‪“真他媽的是仇恨犯罪，我的天”

374
00:17:38,725 --> 00:17:41,228
‪“在外面混真不容易，剛才也太猛了”

375
00:17:41,311 --> 00:17:44,064
‪“牠們想把我殺了，我的老天爺

376
00:17:44,147 --> 00:17:45,565
‪斑馬要在這裡混真不容易”

377
00:17:45,649 --> 00:17:47,442
‪“因為我是雙種族，不說你不知道”

378
00:17:49,694 --> 00:17:52,697
‪動物最棒了
‪牠們不會背叛你，從不抱怨

379
00:17:52,781 --> 00:17:55,659
‪我對我家的貓說牠是黑鬼
‪牠一點反應也沒有

380
00:17:57,327 --> 00:17:58,578
‪試試看，很有意思的

381
00:18:00,831 --> 00:18:01,957
‪真開心

382
00:18:04,501 --> 00:18:07,462
‪我知道，我們都有問題
‪我們不是完美的

383
00:18:08,630 --> 00:18:11,091
‪有些人只是想引起注意
‪他們才不是真心想幫助人

384
00:18:11,174 --> 00:18:14,886
‪我看到推特上有一群大學生
‪連署要串流平台將《六人行》下架

385
00:18:14,970 --> 00:18:17,848
‪他們說：“《六人行》有冒犯性內容”
‪我心想：“有嗎？”

386
00:18:18,765 --> 00:18:19,891
‪你們讀過聖經嗎？

387
00:18:21,685 --> 00:18:25,355
‪聖經裡充斥著強暴、恐同、厭女
‪謀殺、亂倫、戀童

388
00:18:25,438 --> 00:18:28,692
‪你說：“對，可是聖經不是真的”
‪是啊，錢德勒也不是

389
00:18:30,318 --> 00:18:32,946
‪聖經真的太狂了
‪我上天主教學校，我有讀過

390
00:18:33,029 --> 00:18:34,614
‪法庭裡放聖經不奇怪嗎？

391
00:18:34,698 --> 00:18:37,284
‪“我們真的要用這本書？
‪這可怕的文學作品”

392
00:18:37,367 --> 00:18:39,161
‪有人因殺害親生兄弟受審

393
00:18:39,244 --> 00:18:40,245
‪“你發誓句句屬實？”

394
00:18:40,328 --> 00:18:42,122
‪他心想：“對這東西？好喔”

395
00:18:43,707 --> 00:18:45,667
‪“開什麼玩笑？我就是跟聖經學的”

396
00:18:47,085 --> 00:18:48,336
‪這是什麼瘋狂的概念

397
00:18:48,420 --> 00:18:51,256
‪發誓說實話
‪把手放在一本完全虛構的書上

398
00:18:51,339 --> 00:18:53,508
‪至少叫我把手放在
‪《安妮法蘭克日記》上

399
00:18:53,592 --> 00:18:55,343
‪我會說：“靠，是我幹的”

400
00:18:57,053 --> 00:18:58,096
‪至少那是真的

401
00:18:58,180 --> 00:19:00,390
‪不是納粹大屠殺，是那本書

402
00:19:02,392 --> 00:19:03,894
‪納粹大屠殺

403
00:19:04,769 --> 00:19:06,521
‪真是搞砸了，對吧？

404
00:19:08,064 --> 00:19:08,940
‪是啊

405
00:19:09,024 --> 00:19:12,485
‪我有次去納粹大屠殺博物館

406
00:19:12,569 --> 00:19:14,946
‪那些納粹大屠殺照片太讓人沉痛了

407
00:19:15,030 --> 00:19:17,032
‪那些照片到底是誰拍的？

408
00:19:17,115 --> 00:19:20,827
‪“好，大家集合，快點，拍照了”

409
00:19:20,911 --> 00:19:23,079
‪“很好，就是這樣”
‪“不要，我們太瘦了”

410
00:19:23,163 --> 00:19:25,916
‪“別擔心，鏡頭會讓人胖五公斤”

411
00:19:25,999 --> 00:19:27,918
‪“來，說‘西瓜甜不甜’”

412
00:19:28,001 --> 00:19:30,420
‪“只是一個比喻，你們這群笨蛋”

413
00:19:30,503 --> 00:19:33,548
‪我開玩笑的，喜劇演員的喜劇節目

414
00:19:33,632 --> 00:19:35,258
‪好了，那傢伙挫屎了

415
00:19:35,342 --> 00:19:37,719
‪好，不說了，只是開玩笑

416
00:19:38,303 --> 00:19:39,137
‪搏君一笑

417
00:19:39,221 --> 00:19:41,723
‪我愛猶太人，最愛猶太人了

418
00:19:41,806 --> 00:19:45,060
‪要把話說清楚，我懂這是演藝圈

419
00:19:45,143 --> 00:19:47,020
‪好的

420
00:19:47,604 --> 00:19:48,438
‪開玩笑的

421
00:19:49,522 --> 00:19:52,025
‪只是笑話，我愛猶太人

422
00:19:52,108 --> 00:19:53,568
‪猶太藝術

423
00:19:54,861 --> 00:19:58,031
‪我住在紐約市
‪我有割包皮，我完全認同

424
00:19:58,740 --> 00:19:59,866
‪有猶太人在現場嗎？

425
00:20:00,408 --> 00:20:01,785
‪太好了！

426
00:20:02,285 --> 00:20:03,119
‪抓他！

427
00:20:06,665 --> 00:20:07,666
‪好的

428
00:20:08,166 --> 00:20:09,960
‪納粹大屠殺真的很糟糕

429
00:20:10,043 --> 00:20:11,753
‪我只是喜劇演員說笑話而已

430
00:20:11,836 --> 00:20:13,922
‪從各種可怕事件，我們得到重要訊息

431
00:20:14,005 --> 00:20:15,924
‪可怕的事件能帶來重要訊息

432
00:20:16,007 --> 00:20:17,968
‪我們知道絕不能重蹈覆轍

433
00:20:18,051 --> 00:20:20,262
‪在樹林裡，你的朋友吃了莓果死了

434
00:20:20,345 --> 00:20:23,139
‪是很可怕
‪但至少你知道別吃那種莓果

435
00:20:23,223 --> 00:20:24,641
‪可怕，但有重要訊息

436
00:20:24,724 --> 00:20:27,435
‪女士們，妳們最痛恨被吹口哨
‪但裡面有很棒的訊息

437
00:20:27,519 --> 00:20:29,145
‪妳走出家門，有個可怕的男人說

438
00:20:29,229 --> 00:20:31,398
‪“靠，妳穿牛仔褲的屁股真好看”

439
00:20:31,481 --> 00:20:32,941
‪妳說：“去你的，別把我物化”

440
00:20:33,024 --> 00:20:34,067
‪“我明天還要穿這件”

441
00:20:36,361 --> 00:20:38,780
‪那傢伙是豬，但妳得到寶貴情報

442
00:20:39,698 --> 00:20:42,909
‪人難免會為某些事火大
‪這樣才有個性

443
00:20:42,993 --> 00:20:46,246
‪我有個朋友發現
‪他有十六分之一的美國原著民血統

444
00:20:46,329 --> 00:20:48,623
‪兩天前才發現，他看什麼都不順眼了

445
00:20:49,124 --> 00:20:52,127
‪他說：“切諾基吉普車
‪開什麼玩笑？”

446
00:20:52,210 --> 00:20:54,629
‪我說：“你有意見嗎？”
‪“太冒犯人了”

447
00:20:54,713 --> 00:20:57,549
‪“真的？那款車？”
‪“對，我們非把名字改掉不可”

448
00:20:57,632 --> 00:21:00,051
‪“我怎麼沒聽凱特琳詹納
‪對泛美房車賽有意見”

449
00:21:02,929 --> 00:21:03,763
‪是的

450
00:21:03,847 --> 00:21:07,309
‪跨性別是很棘手的話題，是吧

451
00:21:07,392 --> 00:21:09,311
‪大家都變得很孬

452
00:21:09,394 --> 00:21:10,270
‪我懂

453
00:21:11,730 --> 00:21:15,150
‪我不懂為何有人會討厭跨性別者
‪“你們這些跨性別的！”

454
00:21:15,233 --> 00:21:17,485
‪我不懂，但這關我什麼事？

455
00:21:17,569 --> 00:21:20,030
‪你們想怎樣都好
‪討厭整個族群真的很奇怪

456
00:21:20,113 --> 00:21:24,034
‪我最近在一場表演裡
‪被一位跨性別女性罵了

457
00:21:24,117 --> 00:21:26,369
‪她在大廳罵我，好兇

458
00:21:26,453 --> 00:21:29,998
‪她說：“我討厭你的表演
‪你不好笑，我不喜歡你”

459
00:21:30,081 --> 00:21:31,207
‪我說：“這…

460
00:21:32,167 --> 00:21:33,168
‪妳看起來像男人”

461
00:21:37,630 --> 00:21:39,716
‪她說：“你是恐跨性別嗎？”

462
00:21:39,799 --> 00:21:42,969
‪我說：“什麼？才不是恐跨性別
‪我只是想欺負妳”

463
00:21:45,388 --> 00:21:47,223
‪“妳對我說了很傷人的話

464
00:21:47,307 --> 00:21:49,684
‪所以我想說這個對妳傷害最大”

465
00:21:50,477 --> 00:21:52,854
‪“怎麼會恐跨性別？
‪妳討厭所有喜劇演員嗎？“

466
00:21:52,937 --> 00:21:55,732
‪她說：“不，只有你“
‪我說：“對，那我們有共識”

467
00:21:58,485 --> 00:22:01,738
‪她說：“你又不好笑”
‪我說：“可是我感覺我的內在很好笑”

468
00:22:01,821 --> 00:22:05,408
‪“所以妳憑什麼這樣評斷我？”

469
00:22:07,035 --> 00:22:08,828
‪後來變得很尷尬，結果…

470
00:22:09,454 --> 00:22:10,330
‪我們做了

471
00:22:13,083 --> 00:22:14,376
‪有了完美收場

472
00:22:15,877 --> 00:22:17,670
‪我很敬佩跨性別人士

473
00:22:17,754 --> 00:22:20,799
‪找回真正的自己
‪需要很大的勇氣和自尊

474
00:22:20,882 --> 00:22:22,300
‪我完全做不來

475
00:22:22,384 --> 00:22:23,718
‪他們說：“不是他，是她”

476
00:22:23,802 --> 00:22:25,470
‪你把我名字講錯，我就認了

477
00:22:25,553 --> 00:22:28,348
‪我叫馬克，你說：“麥克，你好嗎？”
‪我說：“還不賴”

478
00:22:30,809 --> 00:22:32,185
‪我會是最沒用的跨性別人士

479
00:22:32,268 --> 00:22:34,104
‪你把我的性別搞錯，我就認了

480
00:22:34,187 --> 00:22:36,439
‪我在老家，電話響了
‪“諾曼德太太，是妳嗎？”

481
00:22:36,523 --> 00:22:37,565
‪“就是我”

482
00:22:37,649 --> 00:22:39,943
‪我順水推舟，不興風作浪

483
00:22:40,985 --> 00:22:42,904
‪但我知道有些事很敏感

484
00:22:42,987 --> 00:22:44,864
‪種族問題一直都很敏感

485
00:22:45,490 --> 00:22:48,284
‪我不仇恨任何族群
‪我們的內在都是同樣顏色

486
00:22:48,785 --> 00:22:50,161
‪不過，抽菸族除外

487
00:22:51,746 --> 00:22:54,082
‪我不是故意要找抽菸族麻煩
‪我知道你們都快死了

488
00:22:55,834 --> 00:22:57,794
‪我對事物保持敏感度

489
00:22:57,877 --> 00:22:59,045
‪我在黑人區長大

490
00:22:59,129 --> 00:23:00,213
‪有時我又太敏感了

491
00:23:00,296 --> 00:23:02,090
‪我和我的保險專員通電話

492
00:23:02,173 --> 00:23:03,716
‪他說：“你的車是什麼顏色？”

493
00:23:03,800 --> 00:23:05,343
‪我說：“你不是‘前進’的？”

494
00:23:09,180 --> 00:23:11,391
‪有時真的很棘手

495
00:23:11,474 --> 00:23:14,185
‪我們把很多事歸類為種族歧視
‪有些的確是種族歧視

496
00:23:14,269 --> 00:23:15,270
‪大多都是無知

497
00:23:15,770 --> 00:23:17,522
‪我上週和我姪子出去玩，他七歲

498
00:23:17,605 --> 00:23:19,107
‪你們跟七歲男孩出去過嗎？

499
00:23:19,190 --> 00:23:21,067
‪像是和一個嗑藥的另類右派出去

500
00:23:22,861 --> 00:23:25,822
‪他們真是口不遮攔到極點

501
00:23:25,905 --> 00:23:29,325
‪他會說：“為什麼那個中國人
‪眼睛長得那麼怪？”

502
00:23:29,409 --> 00:23:33,496
‪我說：“快閉嘴
‪你不能這麼說，拜託”

503
00:23:33,580 --> 00:23:36,708
‪他不恨中國人
‪他不是種族歧視，是無知

504
00:23:36,791 --> 00:23:38,251
‪他對女人毫不留情

505
00:23:38,334 --> 00:23:40,462
‪“她好胖，她好老
‪怎麼長鬍子了？女士”

506
00:23:40,545 --> 00:23:44,007
‪我說：“他有唐氏症，別理他”

507
00:23:44,757 --> 00:23:45,717
‪他是無知

508
00:23:45,800 --> 00:23:49,262
‪我帶他去參加示威
‪我說：“巴比記住，黑人的命也是命”

509
00:23:49,345 --> 00:23:51,347
‪“但我不是黑人
‪不是所有生命都重要嗎？”

510
00:23:51,431 --> 00:23:55,101
‪我說：“你快給我閉嘴
‪你會害我們沒命”

511
00:23:55,768 --> 00:23:58,062
‪這孩子很可愛，但外表看來他是納粹

512
00:24:00,190 --> 00:24:03,151
‪我知道，今晚有很多白鬼子來

513
00:24:03,234 --> 00:24:05,737
‪白人，世事變了

514
00:24:05,820 --> 00:24:08,406
‪我們過得戰戰兢兢，就怕說錯什麼

515
00:24:08,490 --> 00:24:11,075
‪我們怕惹麻煩，怕被罵

516
00:24:11,159 --> 00:24:12,160
‪我們就怕那個

517
00:24:12,243 --> 00:24:14,204
‪其他族群怕被槍殺、被遣送

518
00:24:14,287 --> 00:24:16,164
‪我們怕被罵

519
00:24:16,247 --> 00:24:19,000
‪我小時候會因為自己喜歡的東西被罵

520
00:24:19,083 --> 00:24:21,503
‪“你是同性戀嗎？你愛男人？”
‪“我不是同志”

521
00:24:21,586 --> 00:24:23,379
‪現在你因為不喜歡什麼被罵

522
00:24:23,463 --> 00:24:25,340
‪“你喜歡跨性別女人嗎？”
‪“從沒想過”

523
00:24:25,423 --> 00:24:26,257
‪“你恐跨性別？”

524
00:24:26,925 --> 00:24:28,218
‪“我馬上上她”

525
00:24:29,093 --> 00:24:31,012
‪“妳想要什麼我都配合，對不起”

526
00:24:32,138 --> 00:24:35,517
‪白人原本過得很悠閒，無憂無慮

527
00:24:35,600 --> 00:24:38,561
‪現在每個白人都忙著變得開放前進

528
00:24:38,645 --> 00:24:39,979
‪簡直是全方面的改頭換面

529
00:24:40,063 --> 00:24:42,482
‪我們以前肩膀上有惡魔和天使
‪幫助我們做決定

530
00:24:42,565 --> 00:24:44,651
‪現在成了種族歧視者和人資主管

531
00:24:46,236 --> 00:24:49,280
‪“黑人、非裔美籍
‪有色人種，我愛麗珠”

532
00:24:49,364 --> 00:24:51,574
‪“拜託跟我合照，歐巴馬”

533
00:24:54,077 --> 00:24:55,078
‪真丟臉

534
00:24:55,161 --> 00:24:57,580
‪大家以為白人驕傲又自命不凡

535
00:24:57,664 --> 00:24:58,498
‪開什麼玩笑？

536
00:24:58,581 --> 00:25:01,543
‪每個找上“23與我”
‪和上族譜平台的白人都在想

537
00:25:01,626 --> 00:25:03,670
‪“拜託，美國原著民”

538
00:25:03,753 --> 00:25:05,755
‪“拉丁裔、女同志，什麼都好…”

539
00:25:07,590 --> 00:25:12,220
‪有沒有注意到白人男人
‪都說自己是某些事的受害者？

540
00:25:12,303 --> 00:25:14,597
‪你不能光是個白人，要有個什麼才行

541
00:25:14,681 --> 00:25:16,975
‪“我是白人沒錯，但我有自閉症”

542
00:25:19,102 --> 00:25:22,313
‪“我有躁鬱症、我爸性侵我
‪我有猶太人血統”

543
00:25:23,940 --> 00:25:25,191
‪“我算是好的”

544
00:25:27,777 --> 00:25:29,237
‪我們都有可怕的想法

545
00:25:29,320 --> 00:25:31,614
‪管你是什麼顏色、種族或宗教

546
00:25:31,698 --> 00:25:34,284
‪我們都是垃圾，你懂嗎？

547
00:25:34,367 --> 00:25:38,037
‪我們覺得叫別人垃圾，自己就比較好
‪不，你也是垃圾

548
00:25:38,121 --> 00:25:40,790
‪我們都有病態扭曲的想法
‪滿口胡說八道

549
00:25:40,873 --> 00:25:43,042
‪沒什麼比大企業更亂七八糟

550
00:25:43,126 --> 00:25:45,253
‪他們一副關懷社會的樣子

551
00:25:45,336 --> 00:25:48,089
‪他們以前只想賺錢
‪現在他們一副：“我們這樣就夠”

552
00:25:48,172 --> 00:25:51,050
‪像耐吉：“黑命貴！
‪繼續縫，亞洲小孩”

553
00:25:51,134 --> 00:25:52,260
‪是不是？

554
00:25:53,219 --> 00:25:54,637
‪他們才不在乎人

555
00:25:54,721 --> 00:25:57,473
‪他們在飛毛腿飛彈
‪貼了張彩虹貼紙，“包容”

556
00:25:57,557 --> 00:25:58,600
‪很好，沒事了

557
00:25:59,517 --> 00:26:00,351
‪對

558
00:26:00,435 --> 00:26:02,061
‪我上禮拜看到亞馬遜的推文

559
00:26:02,145 --> 00:26:03,521
‪“種族歧視是病毒”

560
00:26:03,605 --> 00:26:05,565
‪別這麼說，讓種族歧視的人有了藉口

561
00:26:06,482 --> 00:26:09,694
‪是不是？
‪“對不起，我不該那麼說，我病了”

562
00:26:09,777 --> 00:26:12,739
‪“對，我被診斷出
‪得了一種病毒叫黑鬼流感”

563
00:26:12,822 --> 00:26:14,324
‪“還有，你知道…”

564
00:26:14,407 --> 00:26:18,703
‪“我告訴你，我的白血球
‪早就派不上用場了”

565
00:26:20,663 --> 00:26:21,581
‪對

566
00:26:21,664 --> 00:26:22,915
‪很多白人罪惡感

567
00:26:22,999 --> 00:26:25,460
‪我的朋友罪惡感大到不聽嘻哈

568
00:26:25,543 --> 00:26:26,377
‪“為什麼？”

569
00:26:26,461 --> 00:26:28,921
‪他說：“凸顯黑人負面刻板印象”

570
00:26:29,005 --> 00:26:30,340
‪“你在胡說些什麼？”

571
00:26:30,423 --> 00:26:32,759
‪“你聽那歌詞‘我只在乎錢’”

572
00:26:32,842 --> 00:26:35,386
‪“‘我包山包海，看看我的鑽石’”

573
00:26:35,470 --> 00:26:38,514
‪我說：“你問我的話
‪我倒覺得那是猶太人的刻板印象”

574
00:26:40,099 --> 00:26:42,101
‪嘻哈，沒想到這麼猶太，是吧？

575
00:26:42,852 --> 00:26:44,354
‪像是饒舌歌手說

576
00:26:44,437 --> 00:26:46,898
‪“我要寫一首新歌
‪告訴我一個猶太人的刻板印象”

577
00:26:47,482 --> 00:26:50,318
‪“他們控制天氣
‪‘我們在這裡，讓天下雨吧’”

578
00:26:56,199 --> 00:26:57,116
‪我知道，很麻煩

579
00:26:57,200 --> 00:26:58,284
‪有個黑人對我大喊

580
00:26:58,368 --> 00:27:00,161
‪“你是白人，懂什麼種族歧視？”

581
00:27:00,244 --> 00:27:03,414
‪“不知道你有沒有讀過歷史
‪我想現在是最好的時候”

582
00:27:05,083 --> 00:27:07,043
‪有完整的文獻記載

583
00:27:07,126 --> 00:27:08,336
‪貨幣化，拍了很多電影

584
00:27:11,964 --> 00:27:14,300
‪我要說點掃興的，我們都是成人了

585
00:27:15,051 --> 00:27:18,054
‪我們都長大了
‪現在是史上對成人最好的時刻

586
00:27:18,137 --> 00:27:19,013
‪想做什麼都可以

587
00:27:19,514 --> 00:27:22,350
‪有沒有注意到現在
‪大人過得很開心，小孩痛苦得要命

588
00:27:22,975 --> 00:27:24,477
‪完全反過來了

589
00:27:24,560 --> 00:27:27,188
‪我小時候，所有大人都氣急敗壞

590
00:27:27,271 --> 00:27:28,690
‪“離開我的草坪”

591
00:27:28,773 --> 00:27:30,108
‪現在我的朋友42歲了

592
00:27:30,191 --> 00:27:33,820
‪他們整天玩電玩、看漫畫
‪還有看職業摔角

593
00:27:34,404 --> 00:27:35,738
‪我現在看到的青少年

594
00:27:35,822 --> 00:27:37,865
‪個個熱衷政治，都有吃藥

595
00:27:39,367 --> 00:27:40,201
‪我們贏了

596
00:27:41,703 --> 00:27:43,246
‪全反過來了

597
00:27:43,329 --> 00:27:44,539
‪我37歲了

598
00:27:44,622 --> 00:27:45,998
‪我爸在我這年紀時

599
00:27:46,082 --> 00:27:48,376
‪他有兩個孩子，法律系畢業
‪還買了房子

600
00:27:48,459 --> 00:27:50,628
‪我只有Hulu頻道

601
00:27:55,341 --> 00:27:57,969
‪我問我朋友
‪“你44歲了，不想成家嗎？”

602
00:27:58,052 --> 00:28:01,180
‪他說：“什麼？
‪我和我媽住，我有家了”

603
00:28:01,973 --> 00:28:04,392
‪“我們吃點食用大麻
‪一起看《復仇者聯盟》”

604
00:28:04,475 --> 00:28:05,935
‪我說：“就這麼辦”

605
00:28:06,436 --> 00:28:07,895
‪現在的大人就是這樣

606
00:28:08,396 --> 00:28:11,816
‪這些孩子善良、善解人意
‪有同情心又聰明

607
00:28:11,899 --> 00:28:13,317
‪但他們的生活毫無樂趣

608
00:28:13,401 --> 00:28:16,863
‪我15歲時拿大麻布朗尼給我
‪我會說：“這大麻太多了”

609
00:28:16,946 --> 00:28:20,116
‪現在拿大麻布朗尼給孩子
‪他會說：“這太多糖了”

610
00:28:22,201 --> 00:28:24,036
‪他說：“我嗑藥，可是我在生酮”

611
00:28:26,330 --> 00:28:28,833
‪我很擔心小孩子，每次看到新聞

612
00:28:28,916 --> 00:28:30,835
‪總有關於年輕人可憐的統計數字

613
00:28:30,918 --> 00:28:33,671
‪我前幾天讀到一篇報導說
‪孩子們的老二縮小了

614
00:28:33,755 --> 00:28:35,757
‪你心想：“首先，是誰做的研究？”

615
00:28:38,843 --> 00:28:42,138
‪某個搞怪科學家說
‪“不管癌症了，我要做嬰兒老二研究”

616
00:28:42,221 --> 00:28:44,515
‪“別擔心，有我在”

617
00:28:46,601 --> 00:28:48,311
‪我很擔心這些孩子

618
00:28:48,394 --> 00:28:49,479
‪因為我以前很怕大人

619
00:28:49,562 --> 00:28:51,606
‪記得以前大人有多可怕嗎？

620
00:28:51,689 --> 00:28:54,025
‪你說了一句髒話
‪“嘴巴乾淨點，年輕人”

621
00:28:54,108 --> 00:28:54,942
‪“抱歉，先生”

622
00:28:55,443 --> 00:28:58,905
‪現在我很怕青少年
‪我上週去大學表演，有個孩子大喊

623
00:28:58,988 --> 00:29:00,406
‪“那不恰當”

624
00:29:00,490 --> 00:29:03,659
‪老弟，你才18歲
‪你應該去吸笑氣，找人指交

625
00:29:03,743 --> 00:29:05,286
‪現在是什麼狀況？

626
00:29:05,369 --> 00:29:07,705
‪怎麼回事？說我“不恰當”搞什麼？

627
00:29:08,331 --> 00:29:09,415
‪享受生活吧，老弟

628
00:29:09,916 --> 00:29:12,794
‪這些孩子沮喪、憂鬱、想自殺

629
00:29:12,877 --> 00:29:15,129
‪最近看過14歲孩子放學回家的樣子？

630
00:29:15,213 --> 00:29:17,006
‪簡直像精疲力竭的刑警

631
00:29:17,089 --> 00:29:20,176
‪背負整個世界、壓力山大、抽電子菸

632
00:29:22,470 --> 00:29:25,640
‪“今天忙著彈劾總統、拯救地球

633
00:29:25,723 --> 00:29:29,060
‪更改性別、編輯社群網站
‪我的加密貨幣崩跌”

634
00:29:37,819 --> 00:29:41,113
‪老弟，你才14歲
‪讓老二硬起來，吃個彩虹糖

635
00:29:42,865 --> 00:29:45,576
‪孩子們上街抗議槍枝法

636
00:29:45,660 --> 00:29:48,538
‪大人則是：“你們好好玩
‪我們要去國際漫畫展”

637
00:29:50,414 --> 00:29:51,499
‪我現在30幾歲

638
00:29:51,582 --> 00:29:54,669
‪我處於有趣的位置
‪因為我可以看年輕人和老人吵架

639
00:29:54,752 --> 00:29:56,087
‪“嬰兒潮世代什麼都不懂”

640
00:29:56,170 --> 00:29:58,256
‪“Z世代自以為是”什麼的

641
00:29:58,339 --> 00:30:00,383
‪我看到我祖父和我姪子衝突

642
00:30:00,925 --> 00:30:03,177
‪他們痛恨彼此，但他們太像了

643
00:30:03,261 --> 00:30:04,470
‪很有意思

644
00:30:04,554 --> 00:30:08,933
‪我祖父會說：“你們小孩太弱了
‪我在越南中過槍”

645
00:30:09,016 --> 00:30:11,769
‪我姪子則說：“我在教室裡中槍”

646
00:30:17,191 --> 00:30:20,486
‪他說：“反正你們小孩就是孬
‪連花生也不敢吃”

647
00:30:20,570 --> 00:30:22,446
‪他說：“去你的，爺爺，我吃屁股”

648
00:30:26,951 --> 00:30:29,912
‪謝謝大家，我是凱文哈特
‪你們很棒

649
00:30:29,996 --> 00:30:31,080
‪大家晚安

650
00:30:31,163 --> 00:30:32,957
‪喜劇，謝謝

651
00:31:28,512 --> 00:31:30,306
‪字幕翻譯：蔡宛玲