[New Orleans brass band music playing]
[host] Everybody welcome New Orleans's own Mark Normand!
[audience cheers and applauds]
[audience cheers enthusiastically]
Hey, hey.
Comedy, huh?
Yeah. We're really doing it, folks. Thanks for coming out. Good to be here.
-[woman whoops] -Kooky times. Thanks, Mom.
Um…
Oh, yeah. We're all vaccinated.
You guys got the vaccine, huh?
-[audience cheers] -Yeah. Right. I got mine online.
We'll see what happens. Yeah.
I saw a couple guys on West Side Highway giving themselves a vaccine.
I was like, "Hey. Good for them."
Yeah, yeah. Must've been the second shot 'cause he was woozy.
All right.
Put on a few pounds in the quarantine.
I think we all put on pandemic weight. The GrubHub, the Seamless.
I gotta cut back 'cause I was a fat kid. I was huge.
I had man-boobs growing up. Isn't that weird about men?
When men gain weight, we grow female body parts? Right?
Ladies don't have to worry about that.
If a woman gains weight, just become a fat lady.
If a guy gains weight, we also become a fat lady.
But you don't grow male body parts.
Not like, "Yeah. I saw Tammy by the river."
"Whoo! She had a set of balls on her."
There were perks to being a fat kid.
I'd go to a sleepover, my friend's like, "I wonder what it's like to touch a boob."
I'm like, "You're in luck."
Nobody likes man-boobs. I've asked around. I've done the research.
Nobody likes a hairy, milkless tit,
and yet man-boobs are legal all over the country.
Fat guy in Cleveland, take his shirt off, totally fine.
Woman in Cleveland takes her shirt off, indecent exposure.
Those are the tits we like. How'd we fuck that up?
We got weird boob rules in America.
Female tit exposed, illegal.
Male tit exposed, legal.
Female tit exposed with a baby sucking on it, legal.
Male tit exposed with a baby sucking on it, very illegal.
[audience applauds]
Weird rules.
This is how I look at it. Female tits are like marijuana.
Fun, harmless, yet still mostly criminalized. Huh.
Man-boobs are like cigarettes. Kind of gross, off-putting.
Why the fuck'd you bring those to the beach?
We legalized the wrong one.
What shocks me, speaking of tits, my girlfriend's got huge knobs
and women have to walk into a store
and go, "I'm a B. I'm a C. I'm a D."
Guys aren't that strong.
If a guy had to walk around going, "I'm an A,"
he'd kill himself. [chuckles]
That wouldn't last 20 minutes. Right?
Some guy'd jump off a building. Suicide note, "A-minus, every time."
"Every time."
Yeah. But it's gotta be said. It's gotta be said. You know?
I know I'm making fat jokes in 2021. Already got yelled at.
Somebody came up,
"Hey. Saying the word 'fat' now is like saying a racial slur."
I was like, "Whoa! Maybe."
"But it's the only slur that fluctuates." Right?
You can gain and lose weight. No one's ever like,
"Ooh, around the holidays I get real Black." [mock laughs]
"Whoo! I gotta go on a diet. Burn off some of this Mexican."
[mock chuckles]
No. We all make fat jokes.
I don't know anyone who actually hates fat people.
"This neighborhood was great 'til these fucking porkers moved in."
"I'll tell you that right now." No. We love fat people, right?
Buddha, Santa, Oprah sometimes. Yeah. [chuckles]
A-ha.
Yeah. Good to be in New York.
Beautiful women in New York. I mean, none here, but, uh…
I'm joking. I'll go down on you.
Uh, yeah. Yeah.
Ladies, you know you're very sexy. Men wanna have sex with you.
You make us work for it, which I get.
Bunch of people were trying to put stuff inside me, I'd have questions.
You gotta earn it, fellas.
I feel like the vagina is a lot like a university.
You gotta be accepted.
Much like a university, easier to get in if you have a lot of money.
"How'd that guy get in? He doesn't have any money."
"Well, he's an athlete."
[laughing and applauding]
-[audience members cheer] -Yeah.
Yeah. Very similar to a university. Some are very prestigious.
"Wow, you got in there? Impressive. Good for you."
Your other friend's like, "I got in there."
You're like, "The whole community's been there." [chuckles]
"And you only got in 'cause your dad got in."
Ladies, you're more attractive than men. You can be more sexually selective.
You guys pick a sexual partner, it's a big deal.
A lot of questions, like the NBA draft.
"How old is he? Where'd he go to college? How tall is he?"
Men, we pick a sexual partner like it's a pick-up game.
"I'll take you, you, you…"
"You're out of shape, but I know you'll work harder."
One of my friends is gorgeous, she could have any guy.
She's always making these big statements. "I'd never have sex with a Republican."
I said, "Really?" She said, "Yeah. If I was naked, in bed,
I found out he was a Republican, I would change my mind."
I was like, "If I was in that position, I would change my political party."
What do I care? It's not like it'll come up.
She's not gonna be on top like… [moaning] "Climate change is a hoax."
I will say, if I have sex with a Republican lady,
I'm wearing a condom.
If anything happens, she'll probably wanna keep it.
-[scattered applause] -All right.
Abortion jokes coming at you.
I don't know where you guys stand on abortion, which side.
I look at abortion the same way as reclining my seat on an airplane.
I know it pisses a lot of people off, but if I got the option, I'm taking it.
[audience applauds]
Right? People say, "Which way do you lean?"
I say, "I lean back."
Oh, yeah.
Yeah. But men are horny. We're horny, fellas.
It sucks. Sucks how horny we are. It's not fun.
Then women always go, "We're just as horny as men."
Come on.
Come on, ladies.
You don't know what it's like to go to a family reunion and go,
"I would do it." [chuckles]
[audience exclaims and laughs]
It's a sickness.
Clouds our judgment. We can't think clearly.
It's why every great invention from a man has been thought up after an orgasm.
It's the only time he can think straight. A guy's like… [groans]
"Air fryer."
Yeah. I got into a fight with my friend about this.
She's like, "We're as horny as men."
I was like, "Would you have sex with me?" And she was like, "No."
I was like, "I'd have sex with you. I guess that settles it."
She said, "That's different. I'm not attracted to you."
I'm like, "I'm not attracted to you either." [chuckles]
What does that have to do with anything?
Obviously, ladies, you guys get horny too, but you gotta hide it.
You can't let that out. You'd get tackled at a Chili's.
You can't let that out.
You gotta hide it, but you do let out your emotions, ladies.
My girlfriend said she's cried every day since high school.
I said, "Wow, are you okay?"
She goes, "Yeah, just something I do. I get all worked up,
go hide, and ruin a box of tissues."
I said, "Huh! We actually have a similar daily thing."
She was like, "Yeah. If I don't knock it out, I can't function."
I'm like, "You and me both, sister."
She said, "Sometimes, I watch a movie, I just lose it."
I'm like, "I do the movie thing too."
I said, "You just watch 30 seconds of a movie?"
She's like, "What?" I'm like, "Nah!"
It's how we're wired.
Ladies get emotional at weird times, men get horny.
Every woman's been at work, "I don't know why I'm crying."
Every guy's been to a funeral, "I don't know why I'm hard." [chuckles]
It's that damn open casket.
But thank God, ladies.
Thank God, ladies! You can find things sexy that have nothing to do with sex.
Thank God. You find things sexy that have nothing to do with sex.
You have to 'cause this ain't doing it.
You gotta dig deeper. If a guy gets naked in front of you,
you're like… [straining] "Remember he's a good driver."
You find things sexy… First time I took my girlfriend out, I planned it all out.
Dinner, drinks, movie, ice cream.
She was like, "Wow, you planned it out. That was hot."
Ah? Planning. That's hot? Planning?
Planning? Said a funny joke. "Good sense of humor. That's a turn-on."
Ah? Pay with cash? "Got some money. That's sexy."
But all those things in the bedroom, not sexy.
We were making out, I take out a condom. She goes, "Whoa! Little presumptuous?"
I was like, "Oh, yeah. I planned all this."
I thought you liked that? All right.
Now it's weird.
Oh, yeah. She likes funny. I'll roast her a bit.
"You call that a clit?" [mock laughs]
Clearly hilarious. All of a sudden, not hot. What the hell?
She's getting dressed, she's leaving.
I was like, "Oh! She likes money." "Here. This is for your time."
Fascinating, ladies. I listen to you gals.
From what I can gather, you like sex when it's elaborate.
Anytime a woman describes a sexual encounter, it's complex.
"He took me to Paris."
"We made love on the balcony overlooking the ocean."
All the girls are like… [exclaim]
For a guy, the less elaborate, the hotter.
Like, "We're about to go to the mall, end up fucking in the hallway,
didn't have to go to the mall."
And all the guys are like… [exclaim]
Just tell us what you want, ladies. We'll do it.
We wanna make you happy, please you. Just tell us.
"But I want you to figure it out." It's not gonna happen. Just tell us. Yeah.
Always amazes me what gets a woman's motor running.
I took my girl to a pet shop once.
Holy shit. Ladies, the pet shop…
[whistles] That is your strip club.
My God! A woman in a pet shop is like a horny guy at a strip club.
You walk in, you can barely handle it. "Oh, my God. I wanna touch 'em all."
Had to say, "Relax. Some of these are from broken homes. They might attack."
She went down the line like a horny guy.
"Beautiful, gorgeous, perfect. That's my favorite. I like that one."
The manager's like, "Yeah. That's Roxy. Everybody likes Roxy. Bring over Roxy."
They bring Roxy and go to a private area.
Got Roxy on her lap. She's like, "She's in love with me!"
I'm like, "No! She's looking for a better life." [laughs]
Come on.
-[audience applauds] -Yeah. Oh, hey. There you go.
All right.
Yeah. Hot group. But I gotta get my act together.
You got your act together, sir. You got glasses. Yeah.
I gotta get my act together.
Had a pregnancy scare last week.
You remember. Yeah, yeah. You know.
Got a couple pregnancy tests, just to be sure.
When she wasn't looking, I peed on one.
Yeah. Came up positive. That's weird.
So I googled it, said I might have testicular cancer.
I was like, "Well, shit. Still better than a kid." [laughs]
That's the only time cancer is better than children,
'cause people actually get happy when you beat it.
[audience groans and laughs]
Yeah. My gal, she's a real tomcat in the sack.
She likes to use a vibrator in the bedroom while I watch.
Pretty hot, but after a while you feel obsolete.
Feels like I'm an employee at CVS and she's using the self-checkout.
I'm like, "You know what you're doing, but if you hit a snag, I'm your man."
After a half-hour, you're like, "Shit. These robots are taking our job."
She's fun. Likes to do stuff in public,
which is sexy, but it gives you weird situations.
We were at a grocery store, she stuck her butt out and I spanked it.
This six-year-old kid runs up and he goes, "What'd she do?"
"What do you mean?" He's like, "Is she a bad girl?"
I'm like, "She's a bad girl, all right."
That's when I realized me and this kid are saying the same thing,
but having a completely different conversation.
He says, "Is she naughty?" I'm like, "She is."
He says, "Does she have a lot of toys?" I'm like, "Her bedroom's full of toys."
He says, "Do what my parents do to me when I'm in trouble."
I'm like, "What?" "Use her toys in front of her."
I'm like, "Damn. Maybe I will." [laughs]
Wow, this kid's filthy.
Yeah. My lady's been pushing marriage pretty hard.
I'm getting older, so maybe I'll pull the trigger
and kill myself. Yeah, yeah.
I don't know. Married men, huh? They grow weird and quiet.
Kind of sweater vest-y. You know? Married men become obsessed with stuff.
Have you noticed that? Cars, guitars, sneakers, memorabilia, model trains.
You never see a single guy with a model train.
You never go to your buddy like, "Wanna hit the club?"
He's like, "Shh! It's about to go through the tunnel."
No, it's never that!
It's some married guy in a basement going, "I'm the goddamn mayor down here." Right?
"Choo-choo!"
My friend's wife left him.
She walked out after eight years 'cause he knows nothing about her.
Can't say one fact, so she left. Good for her, I don't blame her.
He can describe a watch for 20 minutes.
"This is a 1941 Submariner. Super-rare. Nickel-plated."
"Dude, if you knew this much about your wife, she wouldn't have left."
It's weird when I hear women say,
"I'm a person. Don't treat me like an object."
I'm like, "No, that's what you want."
Men with objects? They're obsessed! It'd be the best he ever treated you.
Most guys don't know their girl. Treat you like an object,
he'll know everything. "This is a 1988 Connecticut Jew."
"Yeah. Keep her in the basement. Temperature control."
At least you're not watching porn. Sir, you like the porn.
You've got big forearms. Yeah.
Too much porn out there.
Porn is too easy to get. When I was a kid, porn was hard to find.
Remember? You had to steal a Playboy, go to the woods with your scoutmaster.
Now porn's in your pocket.
Porn's become like coffee now, for me.
I do it every day, I barely feel, and it's gotta be Black.
[laughing and scattered applause]
Yeah.
Sometimes I wonder why men watch so much porn.
I figured out why. Porn makes everything better.
Look at all the porn categories. It's all stuff I hate.
Office, teacher, hospital, gym, I hate all these things.
But now that it's porn, I'm into it.
Hell, before porn I hated my step-family.
During this pandemic, I'm watching too much porn and too much UFC.
They're starting to blend together. They're trading places in my mind.
When I watch UFC now, I'm like, "This is weirdly sexual."
Then I watch porn, I'm like, "This is oddly violent."
Even the terms have traded places.
All the sex terms sound violent and all the fight terms sound sexy.
Ever listen to fight terms? They're hot. Full mount, rear-naked choke,
ground-and-pound. [exhales]
And all the sex terms now sound violent.
Bang, smash, I'd hit that, beat it up. "What happened to Jill?" "She got fisted."
Jesus Christ!
Everybody likes to trash UFC. "Oh, it's so barbaric."
I think it's more decent than porn. At least there's a referee.
We've all seen pornos and been like,
"Jesus Christ, it's four-on-one. Somebody gonna put a stop to this shit?"
"Poor woman's in trouble."
How about these female UFC fighters? They're tough as hell.
I dated a Puerto Rican gal from the Bronx for a while.
She was really scrappy. She said, "I should've been a UFC fighter."
I'm like, "There's no way!" She's like, "You don't think I'm tough?"
I'm like, "No, they just put your age and weight onscreen."
The two things you don't ask a woman. They put it right on TV.
Imagine a guy, ask the two most vulnerable questions.
"Wanna be a fighter?" "Yeah!"
"What's your bank account and dick size?" "I'm out."
I've dated enough women,
I'd be a good corner-man for a female fighter.
If she was losing the fight, I would just yell, "Calm down."
She's like…
"You're overreacting."
"You're just like your mother."
[screams]
Other lady's dead.
All right, you guys are fun. A lot of crowds, very sensitive nowadays.
Look, some comedians out there hate woke people.
I mean, none more than Cosby.
[audience applauding]
That's one comic you shouldn't sleep on.
At least you guys are out of the house. You're living your goddamn lives.
A lot of people are rotting away on the Internet.
Just fighting with people. Bitching, moaning.
I get shit all the time on Twitter. "This comedian said 'queef.'"
[mock exclaims]
I'm like, "This is your day? Go outside, get a hobby, kill yourself."
"What are you doing?"
"We're on Earth for a blip. This is how you spend it?"
"400 million sperm didn't make it, you make it, spend 9 hours on Facebook?"
"You could've learned the xylophone, you dickbag. Hug your kids."
That's why I like animals. Animals don't tweet.
Animals have horrible lives, they never bring it up.
Could you imagine if an antelope in Africa could tweet?
It would put all our bullshit in perspective.
Antelope's like, "Haven't eaten in a week, finally found water,
I watched a crocodile eat my only child. FML." [chuckles sadly]
That's the best quality about animals, they don't complain.
That's why I like Planet Earth. Horrible stuff happens, they deal with it.
You watch a zebra running from four lions,
they bite his ass, pull him down by his neck,
he manages to kick one in the face, he gets away, and that's just it.
That's it. There's no scene later where the zebra's like… [inhales]
"Well, that was a fucking hate crime, huh? Jesus Christ."
"It's hard out here. Wow, that was wild."
"They were trying to kill me. Holy hell. It's hard out here for a zebra."
"It's 'cause I'm biracial. I'll tell you that right now."
Animals are the best. They won't rat you out, never complain.
I say the N-word to my cat, it doesn't even blink.
Try it. It's fun.
Good times.
Yeah. And I get it. We got problems. We're not perfect. Yadda, yadda.
Some people just want attention. They don't wanna help anybody.
Saw college kids on Twitter try to get Friends taken off a streaming platform.
Like, "Friends is offensive." I was like, "Friends? Really?"
You ever read the Bible?
The Bible's nothing but rape, homophobia, misogyny, murder, incest, pedophilia.
Like, "Yeah, but the Bible's not real." All right. Well, neither is Chandler.
The Bible's insane. I went to Catholic school, I read it.
It's weird we put our hand on it in court.
"This is the book? This terrifying piece of literature?"
Guy's on trial for killing his brother.
"You swear to tell the whole truth?" He's like, "On that thing? Fuck yeah."
"You kidding? That's where I got the idea."
What a crazy concept.
To tell the truth, my hand is on a book clearly based in fiction.
At least put my hand on like The Diary of Anne Frank,
Like, "All right, shit, I did it." [laughs]
At least that's real. I mean, not the Holocaust, but the book.
Ah, the Holocaust.
What a bummer that was, huh?
Yeah.
Man, I went to the Holocaust Museum once.
Nothing more depressing than a Holocaust photo.
Who's that guy? The guy taking pics…
"All right. Everybody, get together. Come on, bring it in. Here we go."
"You got it. Right there." "No, we're too thin!"
"Don't worry. The camera adds ten pounds. I got you."
"Say 'cheese.'"
"Do you have any cheese?" "No. It's an expression, you idiot."
All right. Joking. Comedian at a comedy show.
All right. That guy shit his pants. All right. We'll pack it up. Just jokes.
Comedy.
All right. Love the Jews. Big fan of the Jews.
Just want to get that out there. I realize this is show business.
Okay. Yes.
-Jokes. -[audience applauds]
Just jokes. Love the Jews.
Jewish art form.
I live in New York City, I'm circumcised, I'm onboard. Yeah.
Any Jews here?
-[cheering] -Hey. All right!
Get 'em!
-[chuckles] -[audience laughs]
All right.
Obviously, the Holocaust is horrible.
I'm a comedian telling jokes.
From horrible events we get great information.
Horrible events lead to great information.
We learn how to never let that happen again.
You go to the woods, your friend eats a berry and dies.
That's horrible, but at least you know not to eat that berry.
Horrible events, great information.
Ladies, you hate getting cat-called. Get some good info.
You walk out the house, some guy's like, "Your ass looks good in those jeans."
Like, "Fuck you. I'm not a piece of meat. I'll wear these tomorrow."
That guy's a pig, but you got some intel.
But you gotta be upset about something. It gives you personality.
One of my friends just found out he's 1/16th Native American.
Found out two days ago. He's already pissed.
He's like, "Jeep Cherokee? You believe that shit?"
I said, "The car bothers you?" "Yeah, it's offensive."
"Really? The car?" "Yeah. We gotta change that name."
"I don't see Caitlyn Jenner bitch about the Trans Am."
-[chuckles] -[audience groans]
Ah, yes.
Trans. Trans is the tough one now to talk about. You know?
Everybody gets all queefy. You know? I get it.
Ah…
It's weird there's people that hate trans people. "Argh! Trans people."
I don't know. What the hell do I care?
Do whatever you want. Weird to hate a whole group. Yeah.
Although I did get yelled at by a trans woman recently, at a show.
She chewed me out in the lobby. She was so mean.
She was like, "I hate your comedy, you're not funny, and I don't like you."
I was like, "Well,
you look like a man."
She was like, "Oh, you're transphobic?"
I was like, "What? Transphobic? No. I was just trying to hurt your feelings."
"You said the meanest stuff you could to me,
so I assume it's the meanest stuff I can say to you."
"Why would I be transph… Do you hate all comedians?"
She was like, "No. Just you."
I'm like, "Yeah. That's how I feel." [chuckles]
She was like, "You're not funny." I'm like, "But I feel funny inside."
"So who are you to tell me who I am?"
[exclaims]
So it got pretty awkward, but, you know, we fucked.
So, uh…
all's well that ends well.
No. I'm impressed with trans people.
Takes a lot of courage to correct someone on who you are.
I don't have that shit. They say, "It's not 'him', it's 'her.'"
You get my name wrong, I go with it. My name's Mark.
You say, "What's up, Mike?" I'm like, "Pretty good."
I'd be the worst trans person.
You get my gender wrong, I go with it.
At my parents', the phone rings, "Mrs. Normand?"
"This is she." I just go with it. I don't wanna make waves.
But, I know, touchy stuff. Touchy stuff.
Racial stuff, always touchy. You know?
I got no hatred towards any group. We're all the same color on the inside.
Well, except for smokers. You know?
I don't mean to pick on smokers. I know you're a dying breed. But, yeah.
I try to be a conscious guy. I grew up in a Black neighborhood.
Sometimes too conscious!
On the phone with my insurance agent, he's like, "What color is your car?"
I said, "Geez, I thought you were Progressive."
But, you know, times are tense.
We call a lot of shit racist now, and some shit is racist.
A lot of shit's just ignorant.
I was with my nephew, he's seven. Ever hang out with a seven-year-old boy?
It's like hanging out with a coked-up alt-right person.
They just say the wildest, most unfiltered stuff.
He'll be like, "Why does that Chinese guy have weird eyes?"
I'm like, "Shut the fuck up. You can't say that. Jesus Christ."
He doesn't hate Chinese people. He's not a racist. He's ignorant.
He says horrible stuff to women.
"She's fat, she's old. What's with the mustache, lady?"
I'm like, "He's got Down syndrome. Don't worry about him."
He's ignorant. I took him to a protest.
I was like, "Remember, Bobby. Black lives matter."
"But I'm not Black. Don't all lives matter?"
I was like, "Shut the fuck up. You're gonna get us killed."
The kid's adorable, but on paper, he's a Nazi.
I get it. There's a lot of honkies in here tonight. Hey!
White people, huh? Things have changed a little.
We're nervous now. We're scared to say the wrong thing.
We're scared of getting in trouble and yelled at.
That's our big fear.
Others are scared of getting shot, deported.
We're scared of getting yelled at.
When I was a kid, you got yelled at for what you were attracted to.
"What? Are you gay? You like dudes?" "I'm not gay."
Now you get yelled at for what you're not.
"You like trans women?" "Never thought about it."
"Are you transphobic?"
"I'll fuck her right now." [chuckles nervously]
"Whatever you want, I'll do it. I'm sorry." Ah!
White people used to be laid-back, care-free, not a worry.
Now every white guy is obsessed with looking open-minded, progressive,
it's taken over the identity.
We used to have a devil and angel, help us make decisions.
Now we have a racist and an HR person.
Like, "Black guy, African-American, person of color, I love Lizzo."
"Please take a photo with me. Obama." [yells]
It's embarrassing. Everybody thinks white people have pride and supremacy.
Are you kidding?
Every white guy I know is on 23andMe and ancestry.com going,
"Come on, Native American. Come on!"
"Latino, lesbian, something!" [exclaims]
Have you noticed how every white guy's gotta let you know
he's a victim in some way? A hook, an angle?
You can't just be white anymore. Gotta have a thing.
"Sure. I'm white, but I'm on the spectrum." [chuckles]
"I have anxiety, I'm depressed, my dad fucked me, I'm part Jew." Hey-ho!
"One of the good ones." Huh? Ha!
[dejectedly] Ah…
We all have horrible thoughts.
I don't care what color you are, what race, religion.
We're all trash. You know?
We feel when we call someone else trash, that we're better. "No, you're trash too."
We all have sick, twisted thoughts. We're full of shit.
Nobody more full of shit than the corporations.
They act like they care about people now.
They used to just want money, now they're like, "No, we're good."
Yeah. Nike's like, "BLM! Keep stitching, Asian boy."
Come on. Yeah! They don't care about people.
They'll put a rainbow sticker on a Scud missile. "Inclusive."
Yeah. We're good.
Yeah. I saw Amazon tweeted last week, "Racism is a virus."
Don't say that. It gives racists an out.
Right? "Sorry I said that shit, man. I'm sick." Yeah.
"Yeah. I've been diagnosed with this virus called H1 N-word."
"And, you know…"
"I'll tell you, my white blood cells, they are behind the times."
Yeah. A lot of white guilt, you know?
One of my friends, so guilty he won't listen to hip-hop.
Like, "Why not?"
He's like, "It perpetuates negative Black stereotypes."
"What are you talking about?" He's like, "Listen to the lyrics."
"'All I care about is money. I run everything. Look at all my diamonds.'"
I was like, "If you ask me, those sound like Jewish stereotypes."
Hip-hop, surprisingly Jew-y. Right?
Feels like a rapper's going,
"I gotta write a new song. Give me a Jewish stereotype."
Uh, they control the weather. "We're out here making it rain."
[chuckles]
-Hmm. -[audience applauds]
A-ha!
I know. Tense stuff. A Black guy yelled at me,
"You're white. What do you know about racism?"
"I don't know if you read history books,
but I think we're, like, the best at it." [laughs]
Pretty well-documented. You know.
Monetized it. A lot of movies.
I'm going dark 'cause we're all adults here.
We're grown-ups. This is the best time in history to be a grown-up.
We can do whatever we want.
Have you noticed grown-ups are having a blast and kids are miserable?
It's all completely flipped.
When I was a kid,
every grown-up was pissed off, defeated, "Get off my lawn!"
Now my friends are 42.
All they do is play video games, read comic books, and watch pro wrestling.
And every teenager I see now
is obsessed with politics and on medication.
We won.
It's all flipped.
Look, I'm 37. By the time my dad was my age,
he had two kids, a law degree, and owned a home.
I have Hulu.
[scattered applause]
I'll ask my friend, "You're 44. You gonna start a family?"
He's like, "What? I live with my mom. I got a family." [laughs]
"Now let's eat these edibles and watch The Avengers."
I'm like, "All right, let's do it." That's adulthood now.
Man, these kids are nice, thoughtful, compassionate, smart,
but they're not having any fun.
You hand me a weed brownie when I was 15, I was like, "That's a lot of weed."
Hand a kid a weed brownie now, he's like, "That's a lot of sugar."
He's like, "I love drugs, but I'm keto."
I was worried about kids. Every time I turn on the news,
there's a sad statistic about young people.
I read one that says kids' penis sizes are shrinking.
You're like, "Well, who's doing that research?"
What weirdo scientist says, "Forget cancer,
I'm on the baby dick project. Don't you worry. I got it. I got it."
I'm worried about these kids.
'Cause I used to be scared of adults. Remember how scary adults were?
You say a curse word. "Watch your mouth, young man."
"Sorry, sir."
Now I'm scared of teenagers. I did a college gig, some kid yells out,
"That's inappropriate."
Dude, you're 18. You should be doing whippets and fingering someone.
What are we doing here?
What's going on? "Inappropriate"? What?
Live your life, man.
These kids are bummed out, depressed, suicidal.
You ever seen a 14-year-old come home from school?
Looks like a grizzled detective.
He's got the whole world on his shoulders, stressed out, vaping.
[breathes heavily]
"Tough day out there trying to impeach the president, save the planet,
get a sex change, edit my OnlyFans, and my crypto's down."
[audience applauds]
Dude, you're 14! Pop a boner. Have a Skittle.
[chuckles]
These kids are out in the streets protesting gun laws.
Adults are like, "Have fun with that. We're going to Comic-Con." [laughs]
I'm in my thirties.
I'm in a fun spot, 'cause I get to watch old and young people fight.
"These boomers are clueless." "Gen Z's entitled." [yells] You know?
I watch my grandfather and my nephew go at it.
They hate each other, but yet they're so similar.
It's fascinating.
You know, my grandpa's like,
"You kids are soft. I was shot at in Vietnam."
My nephew's like… [scoffs] "I was shot at in homeroom."
He's like, "Whatever. You kids are pussies. You can't even eat a peanut."
He's like, "Screw you, Grandpa. I eat ass." [chuckles]
[audience applauds]
All right. Thanks a lot. I'm Kevin Hart. You guys are great.
Have a good night.
Comedy. Thank you.
[audience cheers]
[New Orleans brass band music playing]