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<i>[New Orleans brass band music playing]</i>

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<i>[host] </i>Everybody welcome
{\an8}New Orleans's own Mark Normand!

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<i>[audience cheers and applauds]</i>

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<i>[audience cheers enthusiastically]</i>

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<i>Hey, hey.</i>

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<i>Comedy, huh?</i>

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<i>Yeah. We're really doing it, folks.</i>
<i>Thanks for coming out. Good to be here.</i>

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<i>-[woman whoops]</i>
<i>-Kooky times. Thanks, Mom.</i>

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<i>Um…</i>

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<i>Oh, yeah. We're all vaccinated.</i>

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<i>You guys got the vaccine, huh?</i>

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<i>-[audience cheers]</i>
<i>-Yeah. Right. I got mine online.</i>

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<i>We'll see what happens. Yeah.</i>

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<i>I saw a couple guys on West Side Highway</i>
<i>giving themselves a vaccine.</i>

15
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<i>I was like, "Hey. Good for them."</i>

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<i>Yeah, yeah. Must've been the second shot</i>
<i>'cause he was woozy.</i>

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<i>All right.</i>

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<i>Put on a few pounds in the quarantine.</i>

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<i>I think we all put on pandemic weight.</i>
<i>The GrubHub, the Seamless.</i>

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<i>I gotta cut back</i>
<i>'cause I was a fat kid. I was huge.</i>

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<i>I had man-boobs growing up.</i>
<i>Isn't that weird about men?</i>

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<i>When men gain weight,</i>
<i>we grow female body parts? Right?</i>

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<i>Ladies don't have to worry about that.</i>

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<i>If a woman gains weight,</i>
<i>just become a fat lady.</i>

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<i>If a guy gains weight,</i>
<i>we also become a fat lady.</i>

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<i>But you don't grow male body parts.</i>

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<i>Not like, "Yeah.</i>
<i>I saw Tammy by the river."</i>

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<i>"Whoo! She had a set of balls on her."</i>

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<i>There were perks to being a fat kid.</i>

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<i>I'd go to a sleepover, my friend's like,</i>
<i>"I wonder what it's like to touch a boob."</i>

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<i>I'm like, "You're in luck."</i>

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<i>Nobody likes man-boobs.</i>
<i>I've asked around. I've done the research.</i>

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<i>Nobody likes a hairy, milkless tit,</i>

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<i>and yet man-boobs</i>
<i>are legal all over the country.</i>

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<i>Fat guy in Cleveland,</i>
<i>take his shirt off, totally fine.</i>

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<i>Woman in Cleveland</i>
<i>takes her shirt off, indecent exposure.</i>

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<i>Those are the tits we like.</i>
<i>How'd we fuck that up?</i>

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<i>We got weird boob rules in America.</i>

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<i>Female tit exposed, illegal.</i>

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<i>Male tit exposed, legal.</i>

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<i>Female tit exposed</i>
<i>with a baby sucking on it, legal.</i>

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<i>Male tit exposed</i>
<i>with a baby sucking on it, very illegal.</i>

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<i>[audience applauds]</i>

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<i>Weird rules.</i>

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<i>This is how I look at it.</i>
<i>Female tits are like marijuana.</i>

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<i>Fun, harmless,</i>
<i>yet still mostly criminalized. Huh.</i>

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<i>Man-boobs are like cigarettes.</i>
<i>Kind of gross, off-putting.</i>

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<i>Why the fuck'd you bring</i>
<i>those to the beach?</i>

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<i>We legalized the wrong one.</i>

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<i>What shocks me, speaking of tits,</i>
<i>my girlfriend's got huge knobs</i>

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<i>and women have to walk into a store</i>

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<i>and go, "I'm a B. I'm a C. I'm a D."</i>

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<i>Guys aren't that strong.</i>

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<i>If a guy had to walk around</i>
<i>going, "I'm an A,"</i>

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<i>he'd kill himself. [chuckles]</i>

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<i>That wouldn't last 20 minutes. Right?</i>

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<i>Some guy'd jump off a building.</i>
<i>Suicide note, "A-minus, every time."</i>

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<i>"Every time."</i>

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<i>Yeah. But it's gotta be said.</i>
<i>It's gotta be said. You know?</i>

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<i>I know I'm making fat jokes in 2021.</i>
<i>Already got yelled at.</i>

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<i>Somebody came up,</i>

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<i>"Hey. Saying the word 'fat' now</i>
<i>is like saying a racial slur."</i>

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<i>I was like, "Whoa! Maybe."</i>

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<i>"But it's the only slur</i>
<i>that fluctuates." Right?</i>

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<i>You can gain and lose weight.</i>
<i>No one's ever like,</i>

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<i>"Ooh, around the holidays</i>
<i>I get real Black." [mock laughs]</i>

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<i>"Whoo! I gotta go on a diet.</i>
<i>Burn off some of this Mexican."</i>

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<i>[mock chuckles]</i>

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<i>No. We all make fat jokes.</i>

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<i>I don't know anyone</i>
<i>who actually hates fat people.</i>

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<i>"This neighborhood was great</i>
<i>'til these fucking porkers moved in."</i>

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<i>"I'll tell you that right now."</i>
<i>No. We love fat people, right?</i>

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<i>Buddha, Santa, Oprah sometimes.</i>
<i>Yeah. [chuckles]</i>

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<i>A-ha.</i>

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<i>Yeah. Good to be in New York.</i>

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<i>Beautiful women in New York.</i>
<i>I mean, none here, but, uh…</i>

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<i>I'm joking. I'll go down on you.</i>

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<i>Uh, yeah. Yeah.</i>

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<i>Ladies, you know you're very sexy.</i>
<i>Men wanna have sex with you.</i>

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<i>You make us work for it, which I get.</i>

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<i>Bunch of people were trying to put stuff</i>
<i>inside me, I'd have questions.</i>

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<i>You gotta earn it, fellas.</i>

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<i>I feel like the vagina</i>
<i>is a lot like a university.</i>

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<i>You gotta be accepted.</i>

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<i>Much like a university, easier to get in</i>
<i>if you have a lot of money.</i>

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<i>"How'd that guy get in?</i>
<i>He doesn't have any money."</i>

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<i>"Well, he's an athlete."</i>

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<i>[laughing and applauding]</i>

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<i>-[audience members cheer]</i>
<i>-Yeah.</i>

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<i>Yeah. Very similar to a university.</i>
<i>Some are very prestigious.</i>

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<i>"Wow, you got in there?</i>
<i>Impressive. Good for you."</i>

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<i>Your other friend's like,</i>
<i>"I got in there."</i>

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<i>You're like, "The whole community's</i>
<i>been there." [chuckles]</i>

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<i>"And you only got in</i>
<i>'cause your dad got in."</i>

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<i>Ladies, you're more attractive than men.</i>
<i>You can be more sexually selective.</i>

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<i>You guys pick a sexual partner,</i>
<i>it's a big deal.</i>

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<i>A lot of questions, like the NBA draft.</i>

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<i>"How old is he?</i>
<i>Where'd he go to college? How tall is he?"</i>

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<i>Men, we pick a sexual partner</i>
<i>like it's a pick-up game.</i>

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<i>"I'll take you, you, you…"</i>

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<i>"You're out of shape,</i>
<i>but I know you'll work harder."</i>

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<i>One of my friends is gorgeous,</i>
<i>she could have any guy.</i>

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<i>She's always making these big statements.</i>
<i>"I'd never have sex with a Republican."</i>

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<i>I said, "Really?"</i>
<i>She said, "Yeah. If I was naked, in bed,</i>

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<i>I found out he was a Republican,</i>
<i>I would change my mind."</i>

106
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<i>I was like, "If I was in that position,</i>
<i>I would change my political party."</i>

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<i>What do I care?</i>
<i>It's not like it'll come up.</i>

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<i>She's not gonna be on top like…</i>
<i>[moaning] "Climate change is a hoax."</i>

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<i>I will say, if I have sex</i>
<i>with a Republican lady,</i>

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<i>I'm wearing a condom.</i>

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<i>If anything happens,</i>
<i>she'll probably wanna keep it.</i>

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<i>-[scattered applause]</i>
<i>-All right.</i>

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<i>Abortion jokes coming at you.</i>

114
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<i>I don't know where you guys</i>
<i>stand on abortion, which side.</i>

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<i>I look at abortion the same way</i>
<i>as reclining my seat on an airplane.</i>

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<i>I know it pisses a lot of people off,</i>
<i>but if I got the option, I'm taking it.</i>

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<i>[audience applauds]</i>

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<i>Right? People say,</i>
<i>"Which way do you lean?"</i>

119
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<i>I say, "I lean back."</i>

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<i>Oh, yeah.</i>

121
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<i>Yeah. But men are horny.</i>
<i>We're horny, fellas.</i>

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<i>It sucks.</i>
<i>Sucks how horny we are. It's not fun.</i>

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<i>Then women always go,</i>
<i>"We're just as horny as men."</i>

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<i>Come on.</i>

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<i>Come on, ladies.</i>

126
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<i>You don't know what it's like</i>
<i>to go to a family reunion and go,</i>

127
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<i>"I would do it." [chuckles]</i>

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<i>[audience exclaims and laughs]</i>

129
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<i>It's a sickness.</i>

130
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<i>Clouds our judgment.</i>
<i>We can't think clearly.</i>

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<i>It's why every great invention from a man</i>
<i>has been thought up after an orgasm.</i>

132
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<i>It's the only time he can think straight.</i>
<i>A guy's like… [groans]</i>

133
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<i>"Air fryer."</i>

134
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<i>Yeah. I got into a fight</i>
<i>with my friend about this.</i>

135
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<i>She's like, "We're as horny as men."</i>

136
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<i>I was like, "Would you have sex with me?"</i>
<i>And she was like, "No."</i>

137
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<i>I was like, "I'd have sex with you.</i>
<i>I guess that settles it."</i>

138
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<i>She said, "That's different.</i>
<i>I'm not attracted to you."</i>

139
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<i>I'm like, "I'm not attracted</i>
<i>to you either." [chuckles]</i>

140
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<i>What does that have to do with anything?</i>

141
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<i>Obviously, ladies, you guys get horny too,</i>
<i>but you gotta hide it.</i>

142
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<i>You can't let that out.</i>
<i>You'd get tackled at a Chili's.</i>

143
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<i>You can't let that out.</i>

144
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<i>You gotta hide it,</i>
<i>but you do let out your emotions, ladies.</i>

145
00:07:18,022 --> 00:07:21,150
<i>My girlfriend said</i>
<i>she's cried every day since high school.</i>

146
00:07:21,233 --> 00:07:22,526
<i>I said, "Wow, are you okay?"</i>

147
00:07:22,610 --> 00:07:25,112
<i>She goes, "Yeah, just something I do.</i>
<i>I get all worked up,</i>

148
00:07:25,196 --> 00:07:27,031
<i>go hide, and ruin a box of tissues."</i>

149
00:07:27,114 --> 00:07:29,783
<i>I said, "Huh!</i>
<i>We actually have a similar daily thing."</i>

150
00:07:31,785 --> 00:07:34,997
<i>She was like, "Yeah. If I don't</i>
<i>knock it out, I can't function."</i>

151
00:07:35,080 --> 00:07:36,916
<i>I'm like, "You and me both, sister."</i>

152
00:07:37,583 --> 00:07:39,793
<i>She said, "Sometimes,</i>
<i>I watch a movie, I just lose it."</i>

153
00:07:39,877 --> 00:07:41,545
<i>I'm like, "I do the movie thing too."</i>

154
00:07:42,421 --> 00:07:44,507
<i>I said, "You just watch</i>
<i>30 seconds of a movie?"</i>

155
00:07:44,590 --> 00:07:46,717
<i>She's like, "What?" I'm like, "Nah!"</i>

156
00:07:48,677 --> 00:07:49,762
<i>It's how we're wired.</i>

157
00:07:49,845 --> 00:07:52,348
<i>Ladies get emotional at weird times,</i>
<i>men get horny.</i>

158
00:07:52,431 --> 00:07:55,059
<i>Every woman's been at work,</i>
<i>"I don't know why I'm crying."</i>

159
00:07:55,142 --> 00:07:58,604
<i>Every guy's been to a funeral,</i>
<i>"I don't know why I'm hard." [chuckles]</i>

160
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<i>It's that damn open casket.</i>

161
00:08:04,360 --> 00:08:06,320
<i>But thank God, ladies.</i>

162
00:08:06,403 --> 00:08:10,407
<i>Thank God, ladies! You can find things</i>
<i>sexy that have nothing to do with sex.</i>

163
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<i>Thank God. You find things sexy</i>
<i>that have nothing to do with sex.</i>

164
00:08:13,577 --> 00:08:15,496
<i>You have to</i>
<i>'cause this ain't doing it.</i>

165
00:08:15,996 --> 00:08:18,666
<i>You gotta dig deeper.</i>
<i>If a guy gets naked in front of you,</i>

166
00:08:18,749 --> 00:08:21,585
<i>you're like… [straining]</i>
<i>"Remember he's a good driver."</i>

167
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<i>You find things sexy… First time I took</i>
<i>my girlfriend out, I planned it all out.</i>

168
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<i>Dinner, drinks, movie, ice cream.</i>

169
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<i>She was like,</i>
<i>"Wow, you planned it out. That was hot."</i>

170
00:08:32,429 --> 00:08:35,683
<i>Ah? Planning. That's hot? Planning?</i>

171
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<i>Planning? Said a funny joke.</i>
<i>"Good sense of humor. That's a turn-on."</i>

172
00:08:39,812 --> 00:08:42,648
<i>Ah? Pay with cash?</i>
<i>"Got some money. That's sexy."</i>

173
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<i>But all those things</i>
<i>in the bedroom, not sexy.</i>

174
00:08:45,234 --> 00:08:48,821
<i>We were making out, I take out a condom.</i>
<i>She goes, "Whoa! Little presumptuous?"</i>

175
00:08:48,904 --> 00:08:51,031
<i>I was like,</i>
<i>"Oh, yeah. I planned all this."</i>

176
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<i>I thought you liked that? All right.</i>

177
00:08:54,577 --> 00:08:55,494
<i>Now it's weird.</i>

178
00:08:55,578 --> 00:08:57,955
<i>Oh, yeah. She likes funny.</i>
<i>I'll roast her a bit.</i>

179
00:08:58,038 --> 00:08:59,957
<i>"You call that a clit?" [mock laughs]</i>

180
00:09:02,543 --> 00:09:05,713
<i>Clearly hilarious.</i>
<i>All of a sudden, not hot. What the hell?</i>

181
00:09:06,463 --> 00:09:08,007
<i>She's getting dressed, she's leaving.</i>

182
00:09:08,090 --> 00:09:11,343
<i>I was like, "Oh! She likes money."</i>
<i>"Here. This is for your time."</i>

183
00:09:12,886 --> 00:09:15,931
<i>Fascinating, ladies. I listen to you gals.</i>

184
00:09:16,015 --> 00:09:18,976
<i>From what I can gather,</i>
<i>you like sex when it's elaborate.</i>

185
00:09:19,059 --> 00:09:21,979
<i>Anytime a woman describes</i>
<i>a sexual encounter, it's complex.</i>

186
00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:23,230
<i>"He took me to Paris."</i>

187
00:09:23,314 --> 00:09:25,733
<i>"We made love on the balcony</i>
<i>overlooking the ocean."</i>

188
00:09:25,816 --> 00:09:27,901
<i>All the girls are like… [exclaim]</i>

189
00:09:27,985 --> 00:09:30,446
<i>For a guy, the less elaborate, the hotter.</i>

190
00:09:30,529 --> 00:09:33,449
<i>Like, "We're about to go to the mall,</i>
<i>end up fucking in the hallway,</i>

191
00:09:33,532 --> 00:09:34,908
<i>didn't have to go to the mall."</i>

192
00:09:36,201 --> 00:09:38,329
<i>And all the guys are like… [exclaim]</i>

193
00:09:39,288 --> 00:09:41,707
<i>Just tell us what you want, ladies.</i>
<i>We'll do it.</i>

194
00:09:41,790 --> 00:09:44,043
<i>We wanna make you happy,</i>
<i>please you. Just tell us.</i>

195
00:09:44,126 --> 00:09:48,464
<i>"But I want you to figure it out."</i>
<i>It's not gonna happen. Just tell us. Yeah.</i>

196
00:09:48,547 --> 00:09:51,050
<i>Always amazes me</i>
<i>what gets a woman's motor running.</i>

197
00:09:51,133 --> 00:09:52,885
<i>I took my girl to a pet shop once.</i>

198
00:09:52,968 --> 00:09:54,970
<i>Holy shit. Ladies, the pet shop…</i>

199
00:09:55,054 --> 00:09:57,389
<i>[whistles] That is your strip club.</i>

200
00:09:58,432 --> 00:10:01,810
<i>My God! A woman in a pet shop</i>
<i>is like a horny guy at a strip club.</i>

201
00:10:01,894 --> 00:10:05,606
<i>You walk in, you can barely handle it.</i>
<i>"Oh, my God. I wanna touch 'em all."</i>

202
00:10:06,357 --> 00:10:09,860
<i>Had to say, "Relax. Some of these are</i>
<i>from broken homes. They might attack."</i>

203
00:10:10,778 --> 00:10:12,613
<i>She went down the line like a horny guy.</i>

204
00:10:12,696 --> 00:10:16,075
<i>"Beautiful, gorgeous, perfect.</i>
<i>That's my favorite. I like that one."</i>

205
00:10:16,158 --> 00:10:20,913
<i>The manager's like, "Yeah. That's Roxy.</i>
<i>Everybody likes Roxy. Bring over Roxy."</i>

206
00:10:20,996 --> 00:10:22,873
<i>They bring Roxy and go to a private area.</i>

207
00:10:22,956 --> 00:10:25,668
<i>Got Roxy on her lap.</i>
<i>She's like, "She's in love with me!"</i>

208
00:10:25,751 --> 00:10:28,921
<i>I'm like, "No!</i>
<i>She's looking for a better life." [laughs]</i>

209
00:10:30,798 --> 00:10:31,757
<i>Come on.</i>

210
00:10:31,840 --> 00:10:35,177
<i>-[audience applauds]</i>
<i>-Yeah. Oh, hey. There you go.</i>

211
00:10:37,888 --> 00:10:38,847
<i>All right.</i>

212
00:10:39,515 --> 00:10:41,892
<i>Yeah. Hot group.</i>
<i>But I gotta get my act together.</i>

213
00:10:41,975 --> 00:10:45,270
<i>You got your act together, sir.</i>
<i>You got glasses. Yeah.</i>

214
00:10:45,354 --> 00:10:47,106
<i>I gotta get my act together.</i>

215
00:10:47,189 --> 00:10:49,149
<i>Had a pregnancy scare last week.</i>

216
00:10:49,233 --> 00:10:51,527
<i>You remember. Yeah, yeah. You know.</i>

217
00:10:52,152 --> 00:10:54,405
<i>Got a couple pregnancy tests,</i>
<i>just to be sure.</i>

218
00:10:54,488 --> 00:10:56,782
<i>When she wasn't looking, I peed on one.</i>

219
00:10:56,865 --> 00:10:59,284
<i>Yeah. Came up positive. That's weird.</i>

220
00:10:59,368 --> 00:11:02,538
<i>So I googled it,</i>
<i>said I might have testicular cancer.</i>

221
00:11:02,621 --> 00:11:05,833
<i>I was like, "Well, shit.</i>
<i>Still better than a kid." [laughs]</i>

222
00:11:06,834 --> 00:11:09,420
<i>That's the only time</i>
<i>cancer is better than children,</i>

223
00:11:09,503 --> 00:11:11,797
<i>'cause people actually get happy</i>
<i>when you beat it.</i>

224
00:11:11,880 --> 00:11:14,299
<i>[audience groans and laughs]</i>

225
00:11:15,968 --> 00:11:18,804
<i>Yeah. My gal,</i>
<i>she's a real tomcat in the sack.</i>

226
00:11:18,887 --> 00:11:21,598
<i>She likes to use a vibrator</i>
<i>in the bedroom while I watch.</i>

227
00:11:21,682 --> 00:11:24,184
<i>Pretty hot,</i>
<i>but after a while you feel obsolete.</i>

228
00:11:25,018 --> 00:11:28,480
<i>Feels like I'm an employee at CVS</i>
<i>and she's using the self-checkout.</i>

229
00:11:30,649 --> 00:11:34,361
<i>I'm like, "You know what you're doing,</i>
<i>but if you hit a snag, I'm your man."</i>

230
00:11:35,487 --> 00:11:39,324
<i>After a half-hour, you're like,</i>
<i>"Shit. These robots are taking our job."</i>

231
00:11:42,119 --> 00:11:44,121
<i>She's fun. Likes to do stuff in public,</i>

232
00:11:44,204 --> 00:11:46,331
<i>which is sexy,</i>
<i>but it gives you weird situations.</i>

233
00:11:46,415 --> 00:11:49,626
<i>We were at a grocery store,</i>
<i>she stuck her butt out and I spanked it.</i>

234
00:11:49,710 --> 00:11:52,755
<i>This six-year-old kid runs up</i>
<i>and he goes, "What'd she do?"</i>

235
00:11:55,591 --> 00:11:57,801
<i>"What do you mean?"</i>
<i>He's like, "Is she a bad girl?"</i>

236
00:11:57,885 --> 00:11:59,887
<i>I'm like, "She's a bad girl, all right."</i>

237
00:12:00,637 --> 00:12:03,348
<i>That's when I realized</i>
<i>me and this kid are saying the same thing,</i>

238
00:12:03,432 --> 00:12:05,476
<i>but having</i>
<i>a completely different conversation.</i>

239
00:12:05,559 --> 00:12:07,728
<i>He says, "Is she naughty?"</i>
<i>I'm like, "She is."</i>

240
00:12:07,811 --> 00:12:11,273
<i>He says, "Does she have a lot of toys?"</i>
<i>I'm like, "Her bedroom's full of toys."</i>

241
00:12:11,356 --> 00:12:13,901
<i>He says, "Do what my parents do</i>
<i>to me when I'm in trouble."</i>

242
00:12:13,984 --> 00:12:16,236
<i>I'm like, "What?"</i>
<i>"Use her toys in front of her."</i>

243
00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:18,405
<i>I'm like, "Damn. Maybe I will." [laughs]</i>

244
00:12:19,031 --> 00:12:20,908
<i>Wow, this kid's filthy.</i>

245
00:12:23,118 --> 00:12:26,038
<i>Yeah. My lady's been</i>
<i>pushing marriage pretty hard.</i>

246
00:12:26,121 --> 00:12:28,832
<i>I'm getting older,</i>
<i>so maybe I'll pull the trigger</i>

247
00:12:28,916 --> 00:12:31,001
<i>and kill myself. Yeah, yeah.</i>

248
00:12:31,794 --> 00:12:34,838
<i>I don't know. Married men, huh?</i>
<i>They grow weird and quiet.</i>

249
00:12:34,922 --> 00:12:38,550
<i>Kind of sweater vest-y. You know?</i>
<i>Married men become obsessed with stuff.</i>

250
00:12:38,634 --> 00:12:42,930
<i>Have you noticed that? Cars, guitars,</i>
<i>sneakers, memorabilia, model trains.</i>

251
00:12:43,514 --> 00:12:46,016
<i>You never see a single guy</i>
<i>with a model train.</i>

252
00:12:46,099 --> 00:12:48,644
<i>You never go to your buddy</i>
<i>like, "Wanna hit the club?"</i>

253
00:12:48,727 --> 00:12:51,313
<i>He's like, "Shh!</i>
<i>It's about to go through the tunnel."</i>

254
00:12:52,523 --> 00:12:53,524
<i>No, it's never that!</i>

255
00:12:53,607 --> 00:12:58,028
<i>It's some married guy in a basement going,</i>
<i>"I'm the goddamn mayor down here." Right?</i>

256
00:12:58,111 --> 00:12:59,196
<i>"Choo-choo!"</i>

257
00:13:01,240 --> 00:13:02,658
<i>My friend's wife left him.</i>

258
00:13:02,741 --> 00:13:06,078
<i>She walked out after eight years</i>
<i>'cause he knows nothing about her.</i>

259
00:13:06,161 --> 00:13:09,164
<i>Can't say one fact, so she left.</i>
<i>Good for her, I don't blame her.</i>

260
00:13:09,248 --> 00:13:11,166
<i>He can describe a watch for 20 minutes.</i>

261
00:13:11,250 --> 00:13:14,253
<i>"This is a 1941 Submariner.</i>
<i>Super-rare. Nickel-plated."</i>

262
00:13:14,336 --> 00:13:17,464
<i>"Dude, if you knew this much</i>
<i>about your wife, she wouldn't have left."</i>

263
00:13:17,548 --> 00:13:19,007
<i>It's weird when I hear women say,</i>

264
00:13:19,091 --> 00:13:21,218
<i>"I'm a person.</i>
<i>Don't treat me like an object."</i>

265
00:13:21,301 --> 00:13:23,095
<i>I'm like, "No, that's what you want."</i>

266
00:13:23,637 --> 00:13:26,640
<i>Men with objects? They're obsessed!</i>
<i>It'd be the best he ever treated you.</i>

267
00:13:26,723 --> 00:13:29,184
<i>Most guys don't know their girl.</i>
<i>Treat you like an object,</i>

268
00:13:29,268 --> 00:13:32,104
<i>he'll know everything.</i>
<i>"This is a 1988 Connecticut Jew."</i>

269
00:13:33,856 --> 00:13:37,359
<i>"Yeah. Keep her in the basement.</i>
<i>Temperature control."</i>

270
00:13:38,443 --> 00:13:41,071
<i>At least you're not watching porn.</i>
<i>Sir, you like the porn.</i>

271
00:13:41,154 --> 00:13:43,282
<i>You've got big forearms. Yeah.</i>

272
00:13:44,449 --> 00:13:46,159
<i>Too much porn out there.</i>

273
00:13:46,827 --> 00:13:50,080
<i>Porn is too easy to get.</i>
<i>When I was a kid, porn was hard to find.</i>

274
00:13:50,163 --> 00:13:54,042
<i>Remember? You had to steal a </i>Playboy<i>,</i>
<i>go to the woods with your scoutmaster.</i>

275
00:13:56,253 --> 00:13:57,921
<i>Now porn's in your pocket.</i>

276
00:13:58,422 --> 00:14:00,340
<i>Porn's become like coffee now, for me.</i>

277
00:14:00,424 --> 00:14:03,510
<i>I do it every day, I barely feel,</i>
<i>and it's gotta be Black.</i>

278
00:14:04,344 --> 00:14:06,430
<i>[laughing and scattered applause]</i>

279
00:14:06,513 --> 00:14:07,347
<i>Yeah.</i>

280
00:14:08,181 --> 00:14:10,434
<i>Sometimes I wonder</i>
<i>why men watch so much porn.</i>

281
00:14:10,517 --> 00:14:12,895
<i>I figured out why.</i>
<i>Porn makes everything better.</i>

282
00:14:12,978 --> 00:14:15,522
<i>Look at all the porn categories.</i>
<i>It's all stuff I hate.</i>

283
00:14:15,606 --> 00:14:20,110
<i>Office, teacher, hospital, gym,</i>
<i>I hate all these things.</i>

284
00:14:20,193 --> 00:14:22,070
<i>But now that it's porn, I'm into it.</i>

285
00:14:22,571 --> 00:14:24,740
<i>Hell, before porn I hated my step-family.</i>

286
00:14:30,829 --> 00:14:34,124
<i>During this pandemic, I'm watching</i>
<i>too much porn and too much UFC.</i>

287
00:14:34,207 --> 00:14:38,378
<i>They're starting to blend together.</i>
<i>They're trading places in my mind.</i>

288
00:14:38,462 --> 00:14:41,089
<i>When I watch UFC now,</i>
<i>I'm like, "This is weirdly sexual."</i>

289
00:14:41,173 --> 00:14:43,467
<i>Then I watch porn,</i>
<i>I'm like, "This is oddly violent."</i>

290
00:14:44,051 --> 00:14:45,761
<i>Even the terms have traded places.</i>

291
00:14:45,844 --> 00:14:49,306
<i>All the sex terms sound violent</i>
<i>and all the fight terms sound sexy.</i>

292
00:14:49,389 --> 00:14:53,268
<i>Ever listen to fight terms? They're hot.</i>
<i>Full mount, rear-naked choke,</i>

293
00:14:53,810 --> 00:14:56,355
<i>ground-and-pound. [exhales]</i>

294
00:14:56,438 --> 00:14:58,398
<i>And all the sex terms now sound violent.</i>

295
00:14:58,482 --> 00:15:02,819
<i>Bang, smash, I'd hit that, beat it up.</i>
<i>"What happened to Jill?" "She got fisted."</i>

296
00:15:02,903 --> 00:15:04,821
<i>Jesus Christ!</i>

297
00:15:06,114 --> 00:15:08,742
<i>Everybody likes to trash UFC.</i>
<i>"Oh, it's so barbaric."</i>

298
00:15:08,825 --> 00:15:11,787
<i>I think it's more decent than porn.</i>
<i>At least there's a referee.</i>

299
00:15:12,496 --> 00:15:14,373
<i>We've all seen pornos and been like,</i>

300
00:15:14,456 --> 00:15:18,126
<i>"Jesus Christ, it's four-on-one.</i>
<i>Somebody gonna put a stop to this shit?"</i>

301
00:15:18,210 --> 00:15:19,753
<i>"Poor woman's in trouble."</i>

302
00:15:21,213 --> 00:15:24,216
<i>How about these female UFC fighters?</i>
<i>They're tough as hell.</i>

303
00:15:24,299 --> 00:15:26,885
<i>I dated a Puerto Rican gal</i>
<i>from the Bronx for a while.</i>

304
00:15:26,969 --> 00:15:30,305
<i>She was really scrappy. She said,</i>
<i>"I should've been a UFC fighter."</i>

305
00:15:30,389 --> 00:15:33,350
<i>I'm like, "There's no way!"</i>
<i>She's like, "You don't think I'm tough?"</i>

306
00:15:33,433 --> 00:15:36,019
<i>I'm like, "No, they just put</i>
<i>your age and weight onscreen."</i>

307
00:15:37,604 --> 00:15:40,524
<i>The two things you don't ask a woman.</i>
<i>They put it right on TV.</i>

308
00:15:40,607 --> 00:15:42,985
<i>Imagine a guy,</i>
<i>ask the two most vulnerable questions.</i>

309
00:15:43,068 --> 00:15:44,361
<i>"Wanna be a fighter?" "Yeah!"</i>

310
00:15:44,444 --> 00:15:47,114
<i>"What's your bank account and dick size?"</i>
<i>"I'm out."</i>

311
00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:51,576
<i>I've dated enough women,</i>

312
00:15:51,660 --> 00:15:53,745
<i>I'd be a good corner-man</i>
<i>for a female fighter.</i>

313
00:15:53,829 --> 00:15:56,665
<i>If she was losing the fight,</i>
<i>I would just yell, "Calm down."</i>

314
00:15:56,748 --> 00:15:57,624
<i>She's like…</i>

315
00:15:59,793 --> 00:16:01,044
<i>"You're overreacting."</i>

316
00:16:02,337 --> 00:16:03,797
<i>"You're just like your mother."</i>

317
00:16:03,880 --> 00:16:04,840
<i>[screams]</i>

318
00:16:05,507 --> 00:16:06,675
<i>Other lady's dead.</i>

319
00:16:09,386 --> 00:16:12,848
<i>All right, you guys are fun.</i>
<i>A lot of crowds, very sensitive nowadays.</i>

320
00:16:12,931 --> 00:16:15,350
<i>Look, some comedians out there</i>
<i>hate woke people.</i>

321
00:16:15,434 --> 00:16:17,269
<i>I mean, none more than Cosby.</i>

322
00:16:19,896 --> 00:16:21,898
<i>[audience applauding]</i>

323
00:16:24,609 --> 00:16:26,820
<i>That's one comic you shouldn't sleep on.</i>

324
00:16:28,822 --> 00:16:32,325
<i>At least you guys are out of the house.</i>
<i>You're living your goddamn lives.</i>

325
00:16:32,409 --> 00:16:34,327
<i>A lot of people are rotting away</i>
<i>on the Internet.</i>

326
00:16:34,411 --> 00:16:36,496
<i>Just fighting with people.</i>
<i>Bitching, moaning.</i>

327
00:16:36,580 --> 00:16:40,584
<i>I get shit all the time on Twitter.</i>
<i>"This comedian said 'queef.'"</i>

328
00:16:40,667 --> 00:16:41,710
<i>[mock exclaims]</i>

329
00:16:42,627 --> 00:16:46,131
<i>I'm like, "This is your day?</i>
<i>Go outside, get a hobby, kill yourself."</i>

330
00:16:46,214 --> 00:16:47,549
<i>"What are you doing?"</i>

331
00:16:47,632 --> 00:16:50,052
<i>"We're on Earth for a blip.</i>
<i>This is how you spend it?"</i>

332
00:16:50,135 --> 00:16:53,638
<i>"400 million sperm didn't make it,</i>
<i>you make it, spend 9 hours on Facebook?"</i>

333
00:16:53,722 --> 00:16:56,767
<i>"You could've learned the xylophone,</i>
<i>you dickbag. Hug your kids."</i>

334
00:16:58,018 --> 00:17:00,479
<i>That's why I like animals.</i>
<i>Animals don't tweet.</i>

335
00:17:00,562 --> 00:17:02,981
<i>Animals have horrible lives,</i>
<i>they never bring it up.</i>

336
00:17:03,065 --> 00:17:05,609
<i>Could you imagine</i>
<i>if an antelope in Africa could tweet?</i>

337
00:17:05,692 --> 00:17:07,694
<i>It would put</i>
<i>all our bullshit in perspective.</i>

338
00:17:07,778 --> 00:17:10,405
<i>Antelope's like, "Haven't eaten</i>
<i>in a week, finally found water,</i>

339
00:17:10,489 --> 00:17:13,700
<i>I watched a crocodile eat</i>
<i>my only child. FML." [chuckles sadly]</i>

340
00:17:15,994 --> 00:17:18,997
<i>That's the best quality about animals,</i>
<i>they don't complain.</i>

341
00:17:19,081 --> 00:17:22,459
<i>That's why I like </i>Planet Earth<i>.</i>
<i>Horrible stuff happens, they deal with it.</i>

342
00:17:22,542 --> 00:17:24,461
<i>You watch a zebra running from four lions,</i>

343
00:17:24,544 --> 00:17:26,546
<i>they bite his ass,</i>
<i>pull him down by his neck,</i>

344
00:17:26,630 --> 00:17:30,092
<i>he manages to kick one in the face,</i>
<i>he gets away, and that's just it.</i>

345
00:17:30,175 --> 00:17:33,804
<i>That's it. There's no scene later</i>
<i>where the zebra's like… [inhales]</i>

346
00:17:33,887 --> 00:17:38,100
<i>"Well, that was a fucking hate crime, huh?</i>
<i>Jesus Christ."</i>

347
00:17:38,725 --> 00:17:41,228
<i>"It's hard out here. Wow, that was wild."</i>

348
00:17:41,311 --> 00:17:45,524
<i>"They were trying to kill me. Holy hell.</i>
<i>It's hard out here for a zebra."</i>

349
00:17:45,607 --> 00:17:48,443
<i>"It's 'cause I'm biracial.</i>
<i>I'll tell you that right now."</i>

350
00:17:49,694 --> 00:17:52,697
<i>Animals are the best.</i>
<i>They won't rat you out, never complain.</i>

351
00:17:52,781 --> 00:17:55,659
<i>I say the N-word to my cat,</i>
<i>it doesn't even blink.</i>

352
00:17:57,327 --> 00:17:58,578
<i>Try it. It's fun.</i>

353
00:18:00,831 --> 00:18:01,957
<i>Good times.</i>

354
00:18:04,501 --> 00:18:08,171
<i>Yeah. And I get it. We got problems.</i>
<i>We're not perfect. Yadda, yadda.</i>

355
00:18:08,255 --> 00:18:11,091
<i>Some people just want attention.</i>
<i>They don't wanna help anybody.</i>

356
00:18:11,174 --> 00:18:15,137
<i>Saw college kids on Twitter try to get</i>
Friends <i>taken off a streaming platform.</i>

357
00:18:15,220 --> 00:18:18,682
<i>Like, </i>"Friends<i> is offensive."</i>
<i>I was like, </i>"Friends?<i> Really?"</i>

358
00:18:18,765 --> 00:18:20,183
<i>You ever read the Bible?</i>

359
00:18:21,685 --> 00:18:25,355
<i>The Bible's nothing but rape, homophobia,</i>
<i>misogyny, murder, incest, pedophilia.</i>

360
00:18:25,438 --> 00:18:29,276
<i>Like, "Yeah, but the Bible's not real."</i>
<i>All right. Well, neither is Chandler.</i>

361
00:18:30,318 --> 00:18:32,946
<i>The Bible's insane.</i>
<i>I went to Catholic school, I read it.</i>

362
00:18:33,029 --> 00:18:34,781
<i>It's weird we put our hand on it in court.</i>

363
00:18:34,865 --> 00:18:37,284
<i>"This is the book?</i>
<i>This terrifying piece of literature?"</i>

364
00:18:37,367 --> 00:18:39,161
<i>Guy's on trial for killing his brother.</i>

365
00:18:39,244 --> 00:18:42,789
<i>"You swear to tell the whole truth?"</i>
<i>He's like, "On that thing? Fuck yeah."</i>

366
00:18:43,707 --> 00:18:45,667
<i>"You kidding?</i>
<i>That's where I got the idea."</i>

367
00:18:47,085 --> 00:18:48,336
<i>What a crazy concept.</i>

368
00:18:48,420 --> 00:18:51,256
<i>To tell the truth, my hand</i>
<i>is on a book clearly based in fiction.</i>

369
00:18:51,339 --> 00:18:53,508
<i>At least put my hand</i>
<i>on like </i>The Diary of Anne Frank,

370
00:18:53,592 --> 00:18:56,261
<i>Like, "All right,</i>
<i>shit, I did it." [laughs]</i>

371
00:18:57,053 --> 00:19:00,390
<i>At least that's real.</i>
<i>I mean, not the Holocaust, but the book.</i>

372
00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:04,186
<i>Ah, the Holocaust.</i>

373
00:19:04,769 --> 00:19:06,521
<i>What a bummer that was, huh?</i>

374
00:19:08,064 --> 00:19:08,940
<i>Yeah.</i>

375
00:19:09,024 --> 00:19:12,152
<i>Man, I went to the Holocaust Museum once.</i>

376
00:19:12,235 --> 00:19:14,946
<i>Nothing more depressing</i>
<i>than a Holocaust photo.</i>

377
00:19:15,030 --> 00:19:17,032
<i>Who's that guy? The guy taking pics…</i>

378
00:19:17,115 --> 00:19:20,702
<i>"All right. Everybody, get together.</i>
<i>Come on, bring it in. Here we go."</i>

379
00:19:20,785 --> 00:19:23,079
<i>"You got it. Right there."</i>
<i>"No, we're too thin!"</i>

380
00:19:23,163 --> 00:19:25,916
<i>"Don't worry. The camera adds</i>
<i>ten pounds. I got you."</i>

381
00:19:25,999 --> 00:19:27,042
<i>"Say 'cheese.'"</i>

382
00:19:27,125 --> 00:19:30,420
<i>"Do you have any cheese?"</i>
<i>"No. It's an expression, you idiot."</i>

383
00:19:30,503 --> 00:19:33,548
<i>All right. Joking.</i>
<i>Comedian at a comedy show.</i>

384
00:19:33,632 --> 00:19:37,719
<i>All right. That guy shit his pants.</i>
<i>All right. We'll pack it up. Just jokes.</i>

385
00:19:38,303 --> 00:19:39,137
<i>Comedy.</i>

386
00:19:39,221 --> 00:19:41,723
<i>All right. Love the Jews.</i>
<i>Big fan of the Jews.</i>

387
00:19:41,806 --> 00:19:45,060
<i>Just want to get that out there.</i>
<i>I realize this is show business.</i>

388
00:19:45,143 --> 00:19:47,020
<i>Okay. Yes.</i>

389
00:19:47,103 --> 00:19:49,439
<i>-Jokes.</i>
<i>-[audience applauds]</i>

390
00:19:49,522 --> 00:19:52,025
<i>Just jokes. Love the Jews.</i>

391
00:19:52,108 --> 00:19:53,568
<i>Jewish art form.</i>

392
00:19:54,319 --> 00:19:58,031
<i>I live in New York City,</i>
<i>I'm circumcised, I'm onboard. Yeah.</i>

393
00:19:58,740 --> 00:19:59,866
<i>Any Jews here?</i>

394
00:19:59,950 --> 00:20:01,785
<i>-[cheering]</i>
<i>-Hey. All right!</i>

395
00:20:02,285 --> 00:20:03,119
<i>Get 'em!</i>

396
00:20:03,203 --> 00:20:04,913
<i>-[chuckles]</i>
<i>-[audience laughs]</i>

397
00:20:06,665 --> 00:20:07,666
<i>All right.</i>

398
00:20:08,166 --> 00:20:10,043
<i>Obviously, the Holocaust is horrible.</i>

399
00:20:10,126 --> 00:20:11,753
<i>I'm a comedian telling jokes.</i>

400
00:20:11,836 --> 00:20:13,922
<i>From horrible events</i>
<i>we get great information.</i>

401
00:20:14,005 --> 00:20:15,924
<i>Horrible events lead to great information.</i>

402
00:20:16,007 --> 00:20:17,968
<i>We learn how to never let</i>
<i>that happen again.</i>

403
00:20:18,051 --> 00:20:20,387
<i>You go to the woods,</i>
<i>your friend eats a berry and dies.</i>

404
00:20:20,470 --> 00:20:23,056
<i>That's horrible, but at least</i>
<i>you know not to eat that berry.</i>

405
00:20:23,139 --> 00:20:24,641
<i>Horrible events, great information.</i>

406
00:20:24,724 --> 00:20:27,435
<i>Ladies, you hate getting cat-called.</i>
<i>Get some good info.</i>

407
00:20:27,519 --> 00:20:31,398
<i>You walk out the house, some guy's like,</i>
<i>"Your ass looks good in those jeans."</i>

408
00:20:31,481 --> 00:20:34,651
<i>Like, "Fuck you. I'm not a piece of meat.</i>
<i>I'll wear these tomorrow."</i>

409
00:20:36,361 --> 00:20:38,446
<i>That guy's a pig, but you got some intel.</i>

410
00:20:39,698 --> 00:20:42,909
<i>But you gotta be upset about something.</i>
<i>It gives you personality.</i>

411
00:20:42,993 --> 00:20:46,246
<i>One of my friends just found out</i>
<i>he's 1/16th Native American.</i>

412
00:20:46,329 --> 00:20:48,623
<i>Found out two days ago.</i>
<i>He's already pissed.</i>

413
00:20:49,124 --> 00:20:51,960
<i>He's like, "Jeep Cherokee?</i>
<i>You believe that shit?"</i>

414
00:20:52,043 --> 00:20:54,713
<i>I said, "The car bothers you?"</i>
<i>"Yeah, it's offensive."</i>

415
00:20:54,796 --> 00:20:57,549
<i>"Really? The car?"</i>
<i>"Yeah. We gotta change that name."</i>

416
00:20:57,632 --> 00:21:00,302
<i>"I don't see Caitlyn Jenner</i>
<i>bitch about the Trans Am."</i>

417
00:21:00,385 --> 00:21:02,345
<i>-[chuckles]</i>
<i>-[audience groans]</i>

418
00:21:02,429 --> 00:21:03,763
<i>Ah, yes.</i>

419
00:21:03,847 --> 00:21:07,309
<i>Trans. Trans is the tough one now</i>
<i>to talk about. You know?</i>

420
00:21:07,392 --> 00:21:10,103
<i>Everybody gets all queefy.</i>
<i>You know? I get it.</i>

421
00:21:10,186 --> 00:21:11,021
<i>Ah…</i>

422
00:21:11,730 --> 00:21:15,275
<i>It's weird there's people that hate</i>
<i>trans people. "Argh! Trans people."</i>

423
00:21:15,358 --> 00:21:17,485
<i>I don't know. What the hell do I care?</i>

424
00:21:17,569 --> 00:21:20,488
<i>Do whatever you want.</i>
<i>Weird to hate a whole group. Yeah.</i>

425
00:21:20,572 --> 00:21:23,992
<i>Although I did get yelled at</i>
<i>by a trans woman recently, at a show.</i>

426
00:21:24,075 --> 00:21:26,453
<i>She chewed me out in the lobby.</i>
<i>She was so mean.</i>

427
00:21:26,536 --> 00:21:30,123
<i>She was like, "I hate your comedy,</i>
<i>you're not funny, and I don't like you."</i>

428
00:21:30,206 --> 00:21:31,207
<i>I was like, "Well,</i>

429
00:21:32,167 --> 00:21:33,460
<i>you look like a man."</i>

430
00:21:37,756 --> 00:21:39,716
<i>She was like, "Oh, you're transphobic?"</i>

431
00:21:39,799 --> 00:21:43,636
<i>I was like, "What? Transphobic? No.</i>
<i>I was just trying to hurt your feelings."</i>

432
00:21:45,305 --> 00:21:47,474
<i>"You said the meanest stuff</i>
<i>you could to me,</i>

433
00:21:47,557 --> 00:21:50,393
<i>so I assume</i>
<i>it's the meanest stuff I can say to you."</i>

434
00:21:50,477 --> 00:21:52,937
<i>"Why would I be transph…</i>
<i>Do you hate all comedians?"</i>

435
00:21:53,021 --> 00:21:54,356
<i>She was like, "No. Just you."</i>

436
00:21:54,439 --> 00:21:57,359
<i>I'm like, "Yeah.</i>
<i>That's how I feel." [chuckles]</i>

437
00:21:58,485 --> 00:22:01,905
<i>She was like, "You're not funny."</i>
<i>I'm like, "But I feel funny inside."</i>

438
00:22:01,988 --> 00:22:05,450
<i>"So who are you to tell me who I am?"</i>

439
00:22:05,533 --> 00:22:06,409
<i>[exclaims]</i>

440
00:22:06,493 --> 00:22:10,330
<i>So it got pretty awkward,</i>
<i>but, you know, we fucked.</i>

441
00:22:10,413 --> 00:22:11,664
<i>So, uh…</i>

442
00:22:13,083 --> 00:22:14,709
<i>all's well that ends well.</i>

443
00:22:15,794 --> 00:22:17,670
<i>No. I'm impressed with trans people.</i>

444
00:22:17,754 --> 00:22:20,715
<i>Takes a lot of courage</i>
<i>to correct someone on who you are.</i>

445
00:22:20,799 --> 00:22:23,718
<i>I don't have that shit.</i>
<i>They say, "It's not 'him', it's 'her.'"</i>

446
00:22:23,802 --> 00:22:26,388
<i>You get my name wrong,</i>
<i>I go with it. My name's Mark.</i>

447
00:22:26,471 --> 00:22:29,057
<i>You say, "What's up, Mike?"</i>
<i>I'm like, "Pretty good."</i>

448
00:22:30,809 --> 00:22:32,185
<i>I'd be the worst trans person.</i>

449
00:22:32,268 --> 00:22:34,104
<i>You get my gender wrong, I go with it.</i>

450
00:22:34,187 --> 00:22:36,439
<i>At my parents',</i>
<i>the phone rings, "Mrs. Normand?"</i>

451
00:22:36,523 --> 00:22:39,943
<i>"This is she." I just go with it.</i>
<i>I don't wanna make waves.</i>

452
00:22:40,985 --> 00:22:42,987
<i>But, I know, touchy stuff. Touchy stuff.</i>

453
00:22:43,071 --> 00:22:45,323
<i>Racial stuff, always touchy. You know?</i>

454
00:22:45,407 --> 00:22:48,868
<i>I got no hatred towards any group.</i>
<i>We're all the same color on the inside.</i>

455
00:22:48,952 --> 00:22:51,037
<i>Well, except for smokers. You know?</i>

456
00:22:51,746 --> 00:22:55,750
<i>I don't mean to pick on smokers.</i>
<i>I know you're a dying breed. But, yeah.</i>

457
00:22:55,834 --> 00:22:58,962
<i>I try to be a conscious guy.</i>
<i>I grew up in a Black neighborhood.</i>

458
00:22:59,045 --> 00:23:00,213
<i>Sometimes too conscious!</i>

459
00:23:00,296 --> 00:23:03,883
<i>On the phone with my insurance agent,</i>
<i>he's like, "What color is your car?"</i>

460
00:23:03,967 --> 00:23:06,010
<i>I said, "Geez,</i>
<i>I thought you were Progressive."</i>

461
00:23:09,180 --> 00:23:11,391
<i>But, you know, times are tense.</i>

462
00:23:11,474 --> 00:23:14,185
<i>We call a lot of shit racist now,</i>
<i>and some shit </i>is<i> racist.</i>

463
00:23:14,269 --> 00:23:15,687
<i>A lot of shit's just ignorant.</i>

464
00:23:15,770 --> 00:23:19,107
<i>I was with my nephew, he's seven.</i>
<i>Ever hang out with a seven-year-old boy?</i>

465
00:23:19,190 --> 00:23:21,651
<i>It's like hanging out</i>
<i>with a coked-up alt-right person.</i>

466
00:23:22,861 --> 00:23:25,822
<i>They just say</i>
<i>the wildest, most unfiltered stuff.</i>

467
00:23:25,905 --> 00:23:29,325
<i>He'll be like, "Why does</i>
<i>that Chinese guy have weird eyes?"</i>

468
00:23:29,409 --> 00:23:33,496
<i>I'm like, "Shut the fuck up.</i>
<i>You can't say that. Jesus Christ."</i>

469
00:23:33,580 --> 00:23:36,708
<i>He doesn't hate Chinese people.</i>
<i>He's not a racist. He's ignorant.</i>

470
00:23:36,791 --> 00:23:38,251
<i>He says horrible stuff to women.</i>

471
00:23:38,334 --> 00:23:40,628
<i>"She's fat, she's old.</i>
<i>What's with the mustache, lady?"</i>

472
00:23:40,712 --> 00:23:44,007
<i>I'm like, "He's got Down syndrome.</i>
<i>Don't worry about him."</i>

473
00:23:44,757 --> 00:23:46,759
<i>He's ignorant. I took him to a protest.</i>

474
00:23:46,843 --> 00:23:49,262
<i>I was like, "Remember, Bobby.</i>
<i>Black lives matter."</i>

475
00:23:49,345 --> 00:23:51,347
<i>"But I'm not Black.</i>
<i>Don't all lives matter?"</i>

476
00:23:51,431 --> 00:23:55,101
<i>I was like, "Shut the fuck up.</i>
<i>You're gonna get us killed."</i>

477
00:23:55,768 --> 00:23:58,688
<i>The kid's adorable,</i>
<i>but on paper, he's a Nazi.</i>

478
00:24:00,190 --> 00:24:03,151
<i>I get it. There's a lot</i>
<i>of honkies in here tonight. Hey!</i>

479
00:24:03,234 --> 00:24:05,737
<i>White people, huh?</i>
<i>Things have changed a little.</i>

480
00:24:05,820 --> 00:24:08,531
<i>We're nervous now.</i>
<i>We're scared to say the wrong thing.</i>

481
00:24:08,615 --> 00:24:11,075
<i>We're scared of getting</i>
<i>in trouble and yelled at.</i>

482
00:24:11,159 --> 00:24:12,160
<i>That's our big fear.</i>

483
00:24:12,243 --> 00:24:14,204
<i>Others are scared</i>
<i>of getting shot, deported.</i>

484
00:24:14,287 --> 00:24:16,164
<i>We're scared of getting yelled at.</i>

485
00:24:16,247 --> 00:24:19,250
<i>When I was a kid, you got yelled at</i>
<i>for what you were attracted to.</i>

486
00:24:19,334 --> 00:24:21,544
<i>"What? Are you gay? You like dudes?"</i>
<i>"I'm not gay."</i>

487
00:24:21,628 --> 00:24:23,379
<i>Now you get yelled at</i>
<i>for what you're not.</i>

488
00:24:23,463 --> 00:24:25,465
<i>"You like trans women?"</i>
<i>"Never thought about it."</i>

489
00:24:25,548 --> 00:24:26,841
<i>"Are you transphobic?"</i>

490
00:24:26,925 --> 00:24:29,135
<i>"I'll fuck her right now."</i>
<i>[chuckles nervously]</i>

491
00:24:29,219 --> 00:24:31,596
<i>"Whatever you want,</i>
<i>I'll do it. I'm sorry." Ah!</i>

492
00:24:32,138 --> 00:24:35,517
<i>White people used to be</i>
<i>laid-back, care-free, not a worry.</i>

493
00:24:35,600 --> 00:24:38,561
<i>Now every white guy is obsessed</i>
<i>with looking open-minded, progressive,</i>

494
00:24:38,645 --> 00:24:39,979
<i>it's taken over the identity.</i>

495
00:24:40,063 --> 00:24:42,607
<i>We used to have a devil and angel,</i>
<i>help us make decisions.</i>

496
00:24:42,690 --> 00:24:44,651
<i>Now we have a racist and an HR person.</i>

497
00:24:46,152 --> 00:24:49,280
<i>Like, "Black guy, African-American,</i>
<i>person of color, I love Lizzo."</i>

498
00:24:49,364 --> 00:24:51,574
<i>"Please take a photo with me.</i>
<i>Obama." [yells]</i>

499
00:24:53,868 --> 00:24:57,580
<i>It's embarrassing. Everybody thinks</i>
<i>white people have pride and supremacy.</i>

500
00:24:57,664 --> 00:24:58,498
<i>Are you kidding?</i>

501
00:24:58,581 --> 00:25:01,543
<i>Every white guy I know is on 23andMe</i>
<i>and ancestry.com going,</i>

502
00:25:01,626 --> 00:25:03,670
<i>"Come on, Native American. Come on!"</i>

503
00:25:03,753 --> 00:25:06,673
<i>"Latino, lesbian, something!" [exclaims]</i>

504
00:25:07,590 --> 00:25:10,134
<i>Have you noticed</i>
<i>how every white guy's gotta let you know</i>

505
00:25:10,218 --> 00:25:12,387
<i>he's a victim in some way?</i>
<i>A hook, an angle?</i>

506
00:25:12,470 --> 00:25:14,597
<i>You can't just be white anymore.</i>
<i>Gotta have a thing.</i>

507
00:25:14,681 --> 00:25:18,142
<i>"Sure. I'm white,</i>
<i>but I'm on the spectrum." [chuckles]</i>

508
00:25:19,102 --> 00:25:23,856
<i>"I have anxiety, I'm depressed,</i>
<i>my dad fucked me, I'm part Jew." Hey-ho!</i>

509
00:25:23,940 --> 00:25:25,984
<i>"One of the good ones." Huh? Ha!</i>

510
00:25:26,067 --> 00:25:27,026
<i>[dejectedly] Ah…</i>

511
00:25:27,777 --> 00:25:29,237
<i>We all have horrible thoughts.</i>

512
00:25:29,320 --> 00:25:32,115
<i>I don't care what color you are,</i>
<i>what race, religion.</i>

513
00:25:32,198 --> 00:25:34,200
<i>We're all trash. You know?</i>

514
00:25:34,284 --> 00:25:38,037
<i>We feel when we call someone else trash,</i>
<i>that we're better. "No, you're trash too."</i>

515
00:25:38,121 --> 00:25:40,790
<i>We all have sick, twisted thoughts.</i>
<i>We're full of shit.</i>

516
00:25:40,873 --> 00:25:43,042
<i>Nobody more full of shit</i>
<i>than the corporations.</i>

517
00:25:43,126 --> 00:25:45,253
<i>They act like they care about people now.</i>

518
00:25:45,336 --> 00:25:48,089
<i>They used to just want money,</i>
<i>now they're like, "No, we're good."</i>

519
00:25:48,172 --> 00:25:51,050
<i>Yeah. Nike's like,</i>
<i>"BLM! Keep stitching, Asian boy."</i>

520
00:25:51,134 --> 00:25:54,053
<i>Come on. Yeah!</i>
<i>They don't care about people.</i>

521
00:25:54,137 --> 00:25:57,473
<i>They'll put a rainbow sticker</i>
<i>on a Scud missile. "Inclusive."</i>

522
00:25:57,557 --> 00:25:58,600
<i>Yeah. We're good.</i>

523
00:25:59,517 --> 00:26:03,521
<i>Yeah. I saw Amazon tweeted</i>
<i>last week, "Racism is a virus."</i>

524
00:26:03,605 --> 00:26:05,982
<i>Don't say that. It gives racists an out.</i>

525
00:26:06,482 --> 00:26:09,694
<i>Right? "Sorry I said that shit, man.</i>
<i>I'm sick." Yeah.</i>

526
00:26:09,777 --> 00:26:12,864
<i>"Yeah. I've been diagnosed</i>
<i>with this virus called H1 N-word."</i>

527
00:26:12,947 --> 00:26:14,324
<i>"And, you know…"</i>

528
00:26:14,407 --> 00:26:18,703
<i>"I'll tell you, my white blood cells,</i>
<i>they are behind the times."</i>

529
00:26:20,663 --> 00:26:22,832
<i>Yeah. A lot of white guilt, you know?</i>

530
00:26:22,915 --> 00:26:25,460
<i>One of my friends, so guilty</i>
<i>he won't listen to hip-hop.</i>

531
00:26:25,543 --> 00:26:26,377
<i>Like, "Why not?"</i>

532
00:26:26,461 --> 00:26:28,921
<i>He's like, "It perpetuates</i>
<i>negative Black stereotypes."</i>

533
00:26:29,005 --> 00:26:31,549
<i>"What are you talking about?"</i>
<i>He's like, "Listen to the lyrics."</i>

534
00:26:31,633 --> 00:26:35,386
<i>"'All I care about is money. I run</i>
<i>everything. Look at all my diamonds.'"</i>

535
00:26:35,470 --> 00:26:38,514
<i>I was like, "If you ask me,</i>
<i>those sound like Jewish stereotypes."</i>

536
00:26:40,099 --> 00:26:42,769
<i>Hip-hop, surprisingly Jew-y. Right?</i>

537
00:26:42,852 --> 00:26:44,354
<i>Feels like a rapper's going,</i>

538
00:26:44,437 --> 00:26:47,190
<i>"I gotta write a new song.</i>
<i>Give me a Jewish stereotype."</i>

539
00:26:47,273 --> 00:26:50,443
<i>Uh, they control the weather.</i>
<i>"We're out here making it rain."</i>

540
00:26:50,526 --> 00:26:51,361
<i>[chuckles]</i>

541
00:26:52,111 --> 00:26:53,905
<i>-Hmm.</i>
<i>-[audience applauds]</i>

542
00:26:54,489 --> 00:26:55,406
<i>A-ha!</i>

543
00:26:56,199 --> 00:26:58,284
<i>I know. Tense stuff.</i>
<i>A Black guy yelled at me,</i>

544
00:26:58,368 --> 00:27:00,370
<i>"You're white.</i>
<i>What do you know about racism?"</i>

545
00:27:00,453 --> 00:27:02,121
<i>"I don't know if you read history books,</i>

546
00:27:02,205 --> 00:27:04,999
<i>but I think we're, like,</i>
<i>the best at it." [laughs]</i>

547
00:27:05,083 --> 00:27:07,043
<i>Pretty well-documented. You know.</i>

548
00:27:07,126 --> 00:27:08,920
<i>Monetized it. A lot of movies.</i>

549
00:27:11,964 --> 00:27:14,550
<i>I'm going dark</i>
<i>'cause we're all adults here.</i>

550
00:27:15,051 --> 00:27:18,054
<i>We're grown-ups. This is the best time</i>
<i>in history to be a grown-up.</i>

551
00:27:18,137 --> 00:27:19,430
<i>We can do whatever we want.</i>

552
00:27:19,514 --> 00:27:22,975
<i>Have you noticed grown-ups</i>
<i>are having a blast and kids are miserable?</i>

553
00:27:23,059 --> 00:27:24,477
<i>It's all completely flipped.</i>

554
00:27:24,560 --> 00:27:25,436
<i>When I was a kid,</i>

555
00:27:25,520 --> 00:27:28,690
<i>every grown-up was pissed off,</i>
<i>defeated, "Get off my lawn!"</i>

556
00:27:28,773 --> 00:27:30,024
<i>Now my friends are 42.</i>

557
00:27:30,108 --> 00:27:33,820
<i>All they do is play video games,</i>
<i>read comic books, and watch pro wrestling.</i>

558
00:27:34,404 --> 00:27:35,822
<i>And every teenager I see now</i>

559
00:27:35,905 --> 00:27:38,074
<i>is obsessed with politics</i>
<i>and on medication.</i>

560
00:27:39,367 --> 00:27:40,201
<i>We won.</i>

561
00:27:41,703 --> 00:27:43,246
<i>It's all flipped.</i>

562
00:27:43,329 --> 00:27:45,915
<i>Look, I'm 37.</i>
<i>By the time my dad was my age,</i>

563
00:27:45,998 --> 00:27:48,376
<i>he had two kids,</i>
<i>a law degree, and owned a home.</i>

564
00:27:48,459 --> 00:27:50,461
<i>I have Hulu.</i>

565
00:27:52,505 --> 00:27:53,798
<i>[scattered applause]</i>

566
00:27:55,341 --> 00:27:58,010
<i>I'll ask my friend,</i>
<i>"You're 44. You gonna start a family?"</i>

567
00:27:58,094 --> 00:28:01,889
<i>He's like, "What? I live with my mom.</i>
<i>I got a family." [laughs]</i>

568
00:28:01,973 --> 00:28:04,392
<i>"Now let's eat these edibles</i>
<i>and watch </i>The Avengers<i>."</i>

569
00:28:04,475 --> 00:28:07,895
<i>I'm like, "All right, let's do it."</i>
<i>That's adulthood now.</i>

570
00:28:08,396 --> 00:28:11,816
<i>Man, these kids are nice,</i>
<i>thoughtful, compassionate, smart,</i>

571
00:28:11,899 --> 00:28:13,317
<i>but they're not having any fun.</i>

572
00:28:13,401 --> 00:28:16,863
<i>You hand me a weed brownie when I was 15,</i>
<i>I was like, "That's a lot of weed."</i>

573
00:28:16,946 --> 00:28:20,116
<i>Hand a kid a weed brownie now,</i>
<i>he's like, "That's a lot of sugar."</i>

574
00:28:22,201 --> 00:28:24,328
<i>He's like, "I love drugs, but I'm keto."</i>

575
00:28:26,330 --> 00:28:28,833
<i>I was worried about kids.</i>
<i>Every time I turn on the news,</i>

576
00:28:28,916 --> 00:28:30,835
<i>there's a sad statistic</i>
<i>about young people.</i>

577
00:28:30,918 --> 00:28:33,671
<i>I read one that says</i>
<i>kids' penis sizes are shrinking.</i>

578
00:28:33,755 --> 00:28:36,257
<i>You're like,</i>
<i>"Well, who's doing that research?"</i>

579
00:28:38,843 --> 00:28:41,012
<i>What weirdo scientist says,</i>
<i>"Forget cancer,</i>

580
00:28:41,095 --> 00:28:44,515
<i>I'm on the baby dick project.</i>
<i>Don't you worry. I got it. I got it."</i>

581
00:28:46,601 --> 00:28:48,311
<i>I'm worried about these kids.</i>

582
00:28:48,394 --> 00:28:51,606
<i>'Cause I used to be scared of adults.</i>
<i>Remember how scary adults were?</i>

583
00:28:51,689 --> 00:28:54,025
<i>You say a curse word.</i>
<i>"Watch your mouth, young man."</i>

584
00:28:54,108 --> 00:28:54,942
<i>"Sorry, sir."</i>

585
00:28:55,443 --> 00:28:58,905
<i>Now I'm scared of teenagers.</i>
<i>I did a college gig, some kid yells out,</i>

586
00:28:58,988 --> 00:29:00,531
<i>"That's inappropriate."</i>

587
00:29:00,615 --> 00:29:03,743
<i>Dude, you're 18. You should be doing</i>
<i>whippets and fingering someone.</i>

588
00:29:03,826 --> 00:29:05,286
<i>What are we doing here?</i>

589
00:29:05,369 --> 00:29:07,705
<i>What's going on? "Inappropriate"? What?</i>

590
00:29:08,331 --> 00:29:09,832
<i>Live your life, man.</i>

591
00:29:09,916 --> 00:29:12,668
<i>These kids are bummed out,</i>
<i>depressed, suicidal.</i>

592
00:29:12,752 --> 00:29:15,213
<i>You ever seen</i>
<i>a 14-year-old come home from school?</i>

593
00:29:15,296 --> 00:29:17,006
<i>Looks like a grizzled detective.</i>

594
00:29:17,089 --> 00:29:20,176
<i>He's got the whole world</i>
<i>on his shoulders, stressed out, vaping.</i>

595
00:29:20,259 --> 00:29:22,386
<i>[breathes heavily]</i>

596
00:29:22,470 --> 00:29:25,640
<i>"Tough day out there trying to impeach</i>
<i>the president, save the planet,</i>

597
00:29:25,723 --> 00:29:29,060
<i>get a sex change, edit my OnlyFans,</i>
<i>and my crypto's down."</i>

598
00:29:31,103 --> 00:29:33,105
<i>[audience applauds]</i>

599
00:29:37,819 --> 00:29:41,113
<i>Dude, you're 14!</i>
<i>Pop a boner. Have a Skittle.</i>

600
00:29:41,197 --> 00:29:42,782
<i>[chuckles]</i>

601
00:29:42,865 --> 00:29:45,576
<i>These kids are out in the streets</i>
<i>protesting gun laws.</i>

602
00:29:45,660 --> 00:29:49,497
<i>Adults are like, "Have fun with that.</i>
<i>We're going to Comic-Con." [laughs]</i>

603
00:29:50,414 --> 00:29:51,499
<i>I'm in my thirties.</i>

604
00:29:51,582 --> 00:29:54,669
<i>I'm in a fun spot, 'cause I get</i>
<i>to watch old and young people fight.</i>

605
00:29:54,752 --> 00:29:58,256
<i>"These boomers are clueless."</i>
<i>"Gen Z's entitled." [yells] You know?</i>

606
00:29:58,339 --> 00:30:00,800
<i>I watch my grandfather</i>
<i>and my nephew go at it.</i>

607
00:30:00,883 --> 00:30:03,302
<i>They hate each other,</i>
<i>but yet they're so similar.</i>

608
00:30:03,386 --> 00:30:04,470
<i>It's fascinating.</i>

609
00:30:04,554 --> 00:30:06,389
<i>You know, my grandpa's like,</i>

610
00:30:06,472 --> 00:30:08,933
<i>"You kids are soft.</i>
<i>I was shot at in Vietnam."</i>

611
00:30:09,016 --> 00:30:11,769
<i>My nephew's like… [scoffs]</i>
<i>"I was shot at in homeroom."</i>

612
00:30:17,191 --> 00:30:20,486
<i>He's like, "Whatever. You kids</i>
<i>are pussies. You can't even eat a peanut."</i>

613
00:30:20,570 --> 00:30:23,656
<i>He's like, "Screw you, Grandpa.</i>
<i>I eat ass." [chuckles]</i>

614
00:30:23,739 --> 00:30:25,157
<i>[audience applauds]</i>

615
00:30:26,951 --> 00:30:29,912
<i>All right. Thanks a lot.</i>
<i>I'm Kevin Hart. You guys are great.</i>

616
00:30:29,996 --> 00:30:31,080
<i>Have a good night.</i>

617
00:30:31,163 --> 00:30:32,957
<i>Comedy. Thank you.</i>

618
00:30:33,040 --> 00:30:34,417
<i>[audience cheers]</i>

619
00:30:34,500 --> 00:30:36,586
<i>[New Orleans brass band music playing]</i>