1
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<i>♪ A rose by any other name just as sweet</i>
<i>But what about a human, yeah ♪</i>

2
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{\an8}<i>♪ Sucks to be any kid</i>
<i>Who has a name that isn’t typical… ♪</i>

3
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<i>[host] </i>{\an8}Everybody welcome Naomi Ekperigin!

4
00:00:19,228 --> 00:00:22,023
<i>[crowd cheering enthusiastically]</i>

5
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<i>♪ …go sweat it out ♪</i>

6
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<i>♪ That's my name, don't wear it out ♪</i>

7
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<i>♪ Get your pen, you can go spell it out… ♪</i>

8
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<i>[audience continues cheering]</i>

9
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<i>Yes.</i>

10
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<i>Yes.</i>

11
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<i>Yes.</i>

12
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<i>Yes!</i>

13
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<i>This feels right.</i>

14
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<i>This feels right for all of us.</i>

15
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<i>[cheering continues]</i>

16
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<i>Quit it. Quit it!</i>

17
00:00:49,467 --> 00:00:50,301
<i>Quit it.</i>

18
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<i>Y'all are very supportive,</i>
<i>but, yes, I did bring my purse on stage.</i>

19
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<i>I did. 'Cause I said,</i>
<i>"I don't know y'all."</i>

20
00:00:57,600 --> 00:00:59,977
<i>[laughs] Okay?</i>
<i>I don't know y'all in this life.</i>

21
00:01:00,061 --> 00:01:03,689
<i>I am from Harlem and I got</i>
<i>to keep an eye on my items. Okay?</i>

22
00:01:03,773 --> 00:01:04,774
<i>[cheering]</i>

23
00:01:04,857 --> 00:01:07,985
<i>Gonna just watch it.</i>
<i>So now I can relax, I can focus.</i>

24
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<i>I am so happy to be in New York, honey.</i>

25
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<i>-Whoo!</i>
<i>-[audience cheers]</i>

26
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<i>Gorgeous. Wonderful.</i>

27
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<i>I needed it. I…</i>

28
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<i>I live in Los Angeles now,</i>
<i>and I don't recommend it.</i>

29
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<i>I really don't. I really don't.</i>

30
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<i>I know being a New Yorker</i>
<i>who doesn't like L.A. is very cliche,</i>

31
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<i>but it's my truth. Okay?</i>

32
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<i>And I'm a whistleblower, if nothing else.</i>

33
00:01:34,595 --> 00:01:38,266
<i>Um, it's just little things.</i>
<i>I'm not an outdoorsy person and…</i>

34
00:01:38,349 --> 00:01:40,560
<i>Um, look, I know how science works, okay?</i>

35
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<i>I know that there is one sun</i>
<i>for this Earth. [chuckles]</i>

36
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<i>However, the sun</i>
<i>in Los Angeles is different.</i>

37
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<i>It's different.</i>

38
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<i>It really is, honey.</i>
<i>It's brighter. It's aggressive.</i>

39
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<i>It's judgmental.</i>

40
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<i>That's just it.</i>
<i>That's a fact. It is, it is.</i>

41
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<i>I have blackout curtains</i>
<i>in my bedroom</i>

42
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<i>'cause I'm a grown woman</i>
<i>with stuff to hide, naturally. Naturally.</i>

43
00:02:03,666 --> 00:02:05,042
<i>And yet every morning,</i>

44
00:02:05,126 --> 00:02:08,838
<i>I am still awakened</i>
<i>by that one strip of sun.</i>

45
00:02:08,921 --> 00:02:13,050
<i>Okay? That one strip between</i>
<i>the curtain and the window pane,</i>

46
00:02:13,134 --> 00:02:16,095
<i>every morning</i>
<i>hits my eyeball, and is like,</i>

47
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<i>"Why aren't you hiking?"</i>

48
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<i>That's it.</i>

49
00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:21,809
<i>-[audience applauds]</i>
<i>-That's it.</i>

50
00:02:22,727 --> 00:02:24,604
<i>[audience cheers]</i>

51
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<i>That's what they want you to do.</i>
<i>They want you hiking.</i>

52
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<i>And I will not be fooled.</i>
<i>Hiking is dramatic walking.</i>

53
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<i>I won't. I won't be fooled.</i>

54
00:02:35,072 --> 00:02:37,074
<i>I know people in L.A.</i>
<i>don't like L.A. either.</i>

55
00:02:37,158 --> 00:02:38,701
<i>And I could tell because…</i>

56
00:02:38,784 --> 00:02:42,455
<i>It's true, because when I moved there</i>
<i>I was new, I was young.</i>

57
00:02:42,538 --> 00:02:45,208
<i>I was like, "I'm here. What should I do?"</i>

58
00:02:45,833 --> 00:02:48,336
<i>And people were like,</i>
<i>"Wow, you're new to Los Angeles?"</i>

59
00:02:48,419 --> 00:02:50,922
<i>"You know where you should go? San Diego."</i>

60
00:02:51,005 --> 00:02:53,132
<i>Yeah. Yeah, yeah. yeah.</i>

61
00:02:53,216 --> 00:02:57,803
<i>What about San Francisco, Santa Barbara,</i>
<i>Ojai, Big Bear, Big Sur, Palm Springs?</i>

62
00:02:57,887 --> 00:03:00,014
<i>What about here? Okay?</i>

63
00:03:00,681 --> 00:03:04,602
<i>When you come to New York City,</i>
<i>no one's like, "You been to Hoboken?" No.</i>

64
00:03:04,685 --> 00:03:07,063
<i>[audience applauds and cheers]</i>

65
00:03:07,146 --> 00:03:09,148
<i>No. No.</i>

66
00:03:12,193 --> 00:03:14,737
<i>It's all right here.</i>
<i>It's all right here, okay?</i>

67
00:03:14,820 --> 00:03:18,366
<i>Even Staten Island</i>
<i>will give you a nautical moment. You know?</i>

68
00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:23,037
<i>But in L.A. it's like,</i>
<i>"Welcome to L.A. Pack a bag."</i>

69
00:03:23,537 --> 00:03:26,874
<i>Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm.</i>
<i>You don't love it, you don't love it.</i>

70
00:03:26,958 --> 00:03:29,669
<i>Um, but I did do</i>
<i>one of these getaways everyone said.</i>

71
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<i>I went to Palm Springs.</i>

72
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<i>Okay? Which is just a desert town</i>
<i>two hours outside of L.A.</i>

73
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<i>And I didn't think I was gonna be down,</i>

74
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<i>'cause it's the desert</i>
<i>and I don't like to sweat in public,</i>

75
00:03:41,555 --> 00:03:44,183
<i>but I loved it. I loved it, it turns out.</i>

76
00:03:44,267 --> 00:03:48,354
<i>And the reason why I love</i>
<i>Palm Springs is because when I…</i>

77
00:03:48,437 --> 00:03:49,730
<i>Hmm, how do I put this?</i>

78
00:03:50,398 --> 00:03:52,566
<i>When I wanna practice</i>
<i>self-care, all right,</i>

79
00:03:52,650 --> 00:03:54,568
<i>when I want to get away from it all,</i>

80
00:03:54,652 --> 00:03:58,406
<i>I like to imagine</i>
<i>I'm a protagonist in a Nancy Meyers movie.</i>

81
00:03:58,489 --> 00:04:01,242
<i>Okay? That is.</i>
<i>It's about when I'm trying to feel good.</i>

82
00:04:01,325 --> 00:04:03,369
<i>If you've never seen</i>
<i>a Nancy Meyers joint</i>

83
00:04:03,452 --> 00:04:07,623
<i>like </i>Something's Gotta Give,
It's Complicated, The Holiday…

84
00:04:07,707 --> 00:04:09,959
<i>Whenever Diane Keaton</i>
<i>is feeling frisky. Okay?</i>

85
00:04:10,042 --> 00:04:11,127
<i>[audience cheers]</i>

86
00:04:11,210 --> 00:04:15,548
<i>If you've never seen a Nancy Meyers joint,</i>
<i>I will break it down for you very simply.</i>

87
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<i>First, imagine I'm a white woman.</i>
<i>All right?</i>

88
00:04:20,094 --> 00:04:23,097
<i>I'm in my fifties. I'm in my sixties.</i>

89
00:04:23,180 --> 00:04:25,433
<i>I'm living </i>in<i> the hot flash. Okay?</i>

90
00:04:25,516 --> 00:04:28,394
<i>I'm in a moment in time.</i>
<i>I'm in a moment in time.</i>

91
00:04:28,978 --> 00:04:30,938
<i>My name is Margot, with a T.</i>

92
00:04:33,357 --> 00:04:36,861
<i>And I'm wearing taupe.</i>
<i>I'm wearing cream. I'm wearing beige.</i>

93
00:04:38,279 --> 00:04:40,156
<i>Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.</i>

94
00:04:40,823 --> 00:04:42,033
<i>Eggshell, ecru.</i>

95
00:04:43,993 --> 00:04:47,621
<i>And whatever I'm wearing</i>
<i>is loose, but also fitted. You know?</i>

96
00:04:48,205 --> 00:04:49,248
<i>That's my vibe.</i>

97
00:04:49,332 --> 00:04:50,791
<i>And at some point in the movie,</i>

98
00:04:50,875 --> 00:04:54,754
<i>I will be sitting with my best friend</i>
<i>drinking a California white wine.</i>

99
00:04:55,504 --> 00:04:58,591
<i>And I'll say, "His new wife is how old?"</i>

100
00:04:59,342 --> 00:05:02,386
<i>And that's every Nancy Meyers movie</i>
<i>in a nutshell. Yes.</i>

101
00:05:02,470 --> 00:05:05,014
<i>-[audience cheers]</i>
<i>-Thank you. Yeah. It's true.</i>

102
00:05:06,015 --> 00:05:07,308
<i>It's very true.</i>

103
00:05:07,391 --> 00:05:10,311
<i>His new wife is always too young. Okay?</i>

104
00:05:11,354 --> 00:05:15,483
<i>And that was Palm Springs.</i>
<i>Palm Springs was Caucasian decadence.</i>

105
00:05:15,983 --> 00:05:18,819
<i>It was "his" and "hers" kitchen sinks.</i>

106
00:05:18,903 --> 00:05:20,738
<i>You know? That kind of a level.</i>

107
00:05:20,821 --> 00:05:23,616
<i>It's funny traveling while Black</i>
<i>in a place like Palm Springs,</i>

108
00:05:23,699 --> 00:05:25,117
<i>nobody knows how you got there.</i>

109
00:05:25,201 --> 00:05:27,745
<i>And you kind of start a whisper campaign.</i>

110
00:05:27,828 --> 00:05:30,664
<i>Walk into the restaurant</i>
<i>and they're like, "Is it Michelle?"</i>

111
00:05:30,748 --> 00:05:33,000
<i>And it's like, "No."</i>

112
00:05:33,084 --> 00:05:35,669
<i>-[scattered applause]</i>
<i>-"No. It's not."</i>

113
00:05:36,837 --> 00:05:39,340
<i>"But I will take a free appetizer."</i>
<i>You know?</i>

114
00:05:39,882 --> 00:05:44,053
<i>Yeah. We were staying in this hotel</i>
<i>where people could bring their dogs,</i>

115
00:05:44,136 --> 00:05:47,390
<i>which normally I wouldn't have been into,</i>
<i>but something happened to me.</i>

116
00:05:47,473 --> 00:05:49,850
<i>I moved to L.A.,</i>
<i>I felt that hot air on my face,</i>

117
00:05:49,934 --> 00:05:52,478
<i>and I was like,</i>
<i>"I want a dog and a podcast."</i>

118
00:05:52,561 --> 00:05:55,523
<i>You know? Immediately. Immediately.</i>

119
00:05:56,065 --> 00:05:59,318
<i>And there was this old, black Lab</i>
<i>sitting by the pool.</i>

120
00:05:59,402 --> 00:06:02,113
<i>And I love old dogs.</i>
<i>Old dogs are my jam.</i>

121
00:06:02,196 --> 00:06:05,616
<i>Okay? It's so true. Right?</i>
<i>I don't want a dog that hears the doorbell</i>

122
00:06:05,699 --> 00:06:07,785
<i>and starts running</i>
<i>in a circle and yapping.</i>

123
00:06:07,868 --> 00:06:10,621
<i>I want the dog</i>
<i>that hears the doorbell and is like,</i>

124
00:06:10,704 --> 00:06:11,956
<i>"You gonna get it?"</i>

125
00:06:13,541 --> 00:06:16,168
<i>You know what I mean?</i>
<i>Doesn't even lift up.</i>

126
00:06:16,252 --> 00:06:18,295
<i>Doesn't rise from the bed.</i>

127
00:06:18,379 --> 00:06:20,965
<i>And that was this black Lab.</i>
<i>Just chilling.</i>

128
00:06:21,048 --> 00:06:24,135
<i>Plus it's 100 degrees in Palm Springs,</i>
<i>so me and this black Lab</i>

129
00:06:24,218 --> 00:06:26,679
<i>are just two colored girls</i>
<i>trying to stay in the shade.</i>

130
00:06:28,764 --> 00:06:31,183
<i>We were besties. We made a life together.</i>

131
00:06:31,684 --> 00:06:34,311
<i>And after ten minutes</i>
<i>of me petting this dog,</i>

132
00:06:34,395 --> 00:06:37,273
<i>um, two older white women approach.</i>

133
00:06:37,940 --> 00:06:40,359
<i>Fresh out of a Nancy movie. Okay?</i>

134
00:06:40,443 --> 00:06:42,903
<i>They come over</i>
<i>because one of them owns the dog,</i>

135
00:06:42,987 --> 00:06:46,407
<i>and they're like, "Who are you?"</i>
<i>And they introduce themselves,</i>

136
00:06:46,490 --> 00:06:48,534
<i>and their names… [pops lips]</i>

137
00:06:48,617 --> 00:06:51,412
<i>were Susan and Jan.</i>

138
00:06:52,079 --> 00:06:53,456
<i>[screams]</i>

139
00:06:54,457 --> 00:06:56,333
<i>Oh, Palm Springs, take me away.</i>

140
00:06:56,417 --> 00:06:58,502
<i>[laughs] I love it.</i>

141
00:06:58,586 --> 00:06:59,962
<i>And we start chit-chatting,</i>

142
00:07:00,045 --> 00:07:02,673
<i>and I'm hoping</i>
<i>that Susan and Jan are a couple,</i>

143
00:07:02,756 --> 00:07:05,426
<i>but they're just friends,</i>
<i>and I'm like, "Boring, but…</i>

144
00:07:06,177 --> 00:07:07,511
<i>all right, keep talking."</i>

145
00:07:08,053 --> 00:07:11,182
<i>[chuckles] And we're chatting</i>
<i>and Susan and Jan are besties.</i>

146
00:07:11,265 --> 00:07:14,351
<i>They are on a vacay, a road trip.</i>

147
00:07:14,435 --> 00:07:17,897
<i>And Jan… stays with me.</i>

148
00:07:17,980 --> 00:07:22,860
<i>She has a place in my heart,</i>
<i>you guys, because Jan</i> lived

149
00:07:22,943 --> 00:07:24,487
<i>in Maui, Hawaii,</i>

150
00:07:24,987 --> 00:07:27,948
<i>and was on </i>vacation <i>in Palm Springs.</i>

151
00:07:28,032 --> 00:07:30,284
<i>[audience member screams]</i>

152
00:07:30,367 --> 00:07:31,577
<i>And… Yes, honey.</i>

153
00:07:31,660 --> 00:07:35,789
<i>And at one point, we're chit-chatting</i>
<i>and Jan says to me, dead serious,</i>

154
00:07:35,873 --> 00:07:38,751
<i>"Well, I know people</i>
<i>go to Maui for a vacation,</i>

155
00:07:38,834 --> 00:07:41,837
<i>but sometimes</i>
<i>I need a vacation from Maui!"</i>

156
00:07:42,630 --> 00:07:44,632
<i>What?</i>

157
00:07:44,715 --> 00:07:46,717
<i>[audience cheers and applauds]</i>

158
00:07:47,676 --> 00:07:49,136
<i>[laughs disbelievingly]</i>

159
00:07:51,430 --> 00:07:54,558
<i>Y'all, that is</i>
<i>the "Jannest" shit I ever heard.</i>

160
00:07:54,642 --> 00:07:56,685
<i>I said, "Jan, you a bad bitch."</i>

161
00:07:56,769 --> 00:07:58,354
<i>"Okay, Jan. I see you."</i>

162
00:07:58,437 --> 00:08:02,107
<i>"I see you talking to me</i>
<i>like I'm not Black in America. Go on."</i>

163
00:08:02,191 --> 00:08:03,609
<i>"Go on, Jan."</i>

164
00:08:05,194 --> 00:08:08,322
<i>And then later she goes,</i>
<i>"Well, while I'm on the mainland…"</i>

165
00:08:08,405 --> 00:08:11,283
<i>Okay. Pull it back, Jan.</i>
<i>Now it's overboard.</i>

166
00:08:11,367 --> 00:08:13,244
<i>You're probably from Indiana. Okay?</i>

167
00:08:14,203 --> 00:08:16,080
<i>She was like, "While I'm on the mainland,</i>

168
00:08:16,163 --> 00:08:18,958
<i>I was thinking of visiting my brother,</i>
<i>but I don't know."</i>

169
00:08:19,041 --> 00:08:21,585
<i>Jan don't give a fuck</i>
<i>about her brother, y'all!</i>

170
00:08:22,253 --> 00:08:24,505
<i>This is Jan's vacay.</i>

171
00:08:25,631 --> 00:08:28,551
<i>Oh, my God!</i>
<i>I'm trying to be a Jan in this life.</i>

172
00:08:29,343 --> 00:08:32,972
<i>I feel like right now, I'm a Susan.</i>
<i>I'm just along for the ride. You know?</i>

173
00:08:33,472 --> 00:08:36,058
<i>But Jan is making</i>
<i>the reservations, honey. Okay?</i>

174
00:08:36,141 --> 00:08:38,769
<i>She is setting you up for success.</i>

175
00:08:38,852 --> 00:08:41,897
<i>That is how I feel. I'm trying</i>
<i>to figure out, how do I channel Jan?</i>

176
00:08:41,981 --> 00:08:45,234
<i>How do I be the Jan</i>
<i>I want to see in the world?</i>

177
00:08:45,317 --> 00:08:48,779
<i>And so sometimes if I face</i>
<i>a minor inconvenience, like I stub my toe,</i>

178
00:08:48,862 --> 00:08:51,115
<i>I'll be like,</i>
<i>"I need a vacation from Maui."</i>

179
00:08:52,241 --> 00:08:54,660
<i>But that's not quite it.</i>
<i>That's not quite it.</i>

180
00:08:54,743 --> 00:08:58,872
<i>Jan was in her sixties,</i>
<i>she had two adult sons,</i>

181
00:08:58,956 --> 00:09:00,624
<i>and she was living her life.</i>

182
00:09:00,708 --> 00:09:02,918
<i>Jan had a </i>joie de vivre<i>, honey.</i>

183
00:09:03,002 --> 00:09:06,088
<i>Jan is taking lovers</i>
<i>and painting with watercolors.</i>

184
00:09:06,171 --> 00:09:10,134
<i>-[audience members cheer]</i>
<i>-Jan is doing it. She's doing it.</i>

185
00:09:10,217 --> 00:09:12,720
<i>Even though she's older than me,</i>
<i>she's younger in spirit</i>

186
00:09:12,803 --> 00:09:15,055
<i>because Jan is out here thriving</i>

187
00:09:15,139 --> 00:09:18,309
<i>and I like to sit in the shower. And, so…</i>

188
00:09:19,143 --> 00:09:21,854
<i>It's tough. I do recommend it.</i>
<i>Don't look like that.</i>

189
00:09:21,937 --> 00:09:23,731
<i>Sitting in the shower is perfect.</i>

190
00:09:23,814 --> 00:09:28,444
<i>Sitting in the shower is great</i>
<i>for when you want to be clean,</i>

191
00:09:29,153 --> 00:09:30,613
<i>but you want to rest.</i>

192
00:09:30,696 --> 00:09:32,114
<i>Do you know what I mean?</i>

193
00:09:32,197 --> 00:09:34,575
<i>I love it. I just sit down, honey,</i>

194
00:09:34,658 --> 00:09:36,660
<i>'cause I don't want to stew like a bath.</i>

195
00:09:36,744 --> 00:09:38,996
<i>I don't like that stewing.</i>
<i>So you just sit down.</i>

196
00:09:39,079 --> 00:09:42,374
<i>You relax and then you just have</i>
<i>this water falling on you, sort of.</i>

197
00:09:42,458 --> 00:09:45,544
<i>And it feels</i>
<i>like you're in a '90s R&amp;B video.</i>

198
00:09:46,170 --> 00:09:47,588
<i>And that's beautiful.</i>

199
00:09:47,671 --> 00:09:50,341
<i>That's romantic. That's romantic.</i>

200
00:09:50,424 --> 00:09:51,508
<i>Just for yourself.</i>

201
00:09:53,260 --> 00:09:54,178
<i>But, yeah…</i>

202
00:09:54,762 --> 00:09:56,472
<i>I'm an old soul.</i>

203
00:09:56,555 --> 00:09:59,683
<i>That's what I was called</i>
<i>as a child. Always, always.</i>

204
00:09:59,767 --> 00:10:01,935
<i>I was. Adults would call me an old soul.</i>

205
00:10:02,019 --> 00:10:05,064
<i>Basically, because</i>
<i>I'm not here to play tag. Okay?</i>

206
00:10:07,608 --> 00:10:10,069
<i>I'd be sitting in a corner,</i>
<i>reading one of my books.</i>

207
00:10:10,152 --> 00:10:12,696
<i>Probably </i>Baby-Sitters Club
<i>'cause those girls had jobs.</i>

208
00:10:12,780 --> 00:10:15,115
<i>-[cheering]</i>
<i>-Okay? They did.</i>

209
00:10:15,991 --> 00:10:18,410
<i>I was like, "Entrepreneurial. Yes."</i>

210
00:10:20,287 --> 00:10:22,206
<i>But I always wanted to be an adult.</i>

211
00:10:22,289 --> 00:10:24,375
<i>I loved being around adults</i>
<i>when I was a kid.</i>

212
00:10:24,458 --> 00:10:28,379
<i>I would just look at them and be like,</i>
<i>"Oh! Their eyes are so haunted."</i>

213
00:10:29,713 --> 00:10:31,840
<i>"What have they seen? They're husks."</i>

214
00:10:31,924 --> 00:10:33,717
<i>You know? I was obsessed.</i>

215
00:10:34,551 --> 00:10:36,929
<i>And as an only child of a single mother,</i>

216
00:10:37,012 --> 00:10:39,264
<i>sometimes I would be in the cut,</i>
<i>hanging out.</i>

217
00:10:39,348 --> 00:10:42,059
<i>Mama'd be like,</i>
<i>"We going to Pam's house. Sit down."</i>

218
00:10:42,142 --> 00:10:44,311
<i>See, the Black girls know. You get it. Um…</i>

219
00:10:44,395 --> 00:10:46,397
<i>And so I'd just be sitting there.</i>

220
00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:48,941
<i>And when you're a little kid,</i>
<i>you can kind of sneak in.</i>

221
00:10:49,024 --> 00:10:50,609
<i>The adults forget you're there.</i>

222
00:10:50,693 --> 00:10:53,487
<i>That's my favorite, honey.</i>
<i>I'd just show up with a juice box,</i>

223
00:10:53,570 --> 00:10:55,656
<i>get in the middle</i>
<i>of that kitchen conversation</i>

224
00:10:55,739 --> 00:10:58,033
<i>and be like,</i>
<i>"Gail, did the divorce go through?"</i>

225
00:10:59,868 --> 00:11:01,870
<i>[audience applauds]</i>

226
00:11:04,039 --> 00:11:05,374
<i>I needed it, honey.</i>

227
00:11:05,457 --> 00:11:08,168
<i>Drinking apple juice, getting tea.</i>
<i>That was me.</i>

228
00:11:08,252 --> 00:11:11,255
<i>-[audience cheers]</i>
<i>-That was me from an early age.</i>

229
00:11:11,755 --> 00:11:14,800
<i>And Gail would tell me. Okay?</i>
<i>She needed someone impartial.</i>

230
00:11:14,883 --> 00:11:16,468
<i>So that's why I was there.</i>

231
00:11:16,552 --> 00:11:17,928
<i>It was my favorite.</i>

232
00:11:18,011 --> 00:11:20,973
<i>So, yeah. It's like I'm old in my heart.</i>

233
00:11:21,056 --> 00:11:23,642
<i>Plus, you know why</i>
<i>I'm also kind of old in my heart?</i>

234
00:11:23,726 --> 00:11:26,854
<i>Because I have a lot of rage,</i>
<i>and rage will age you. Okay?</i>

235
00:11:26,937 --> 00:11:28,480
<i>Anger will age you, honey.</i>

236
00:11:28,564 --> 00:11:30,607
<i>All the IBS, honey. That's rage.</i>

237
00:11:30,691 --> 00:11:33,110
<i>IBS is rage. I have it.</i>

238
00:11:33,193 --> 00:11:37,781
<i>It's funny, there's things I'm mad at,</i>
<i>but I don't know what to do about 'em.</i>

239
00:11:37,865 --> 00:11:41,660
<i>So my new thing is just getting mad</i>
<i>at inconsequential shit</i>

240
00:11:41,744 --> 00:11:43,287
<i>that has nothing to do with me.</i>

241
00:11:43,370 --> 00:11:45,914
<i>Does anyone else</i>
<i>like to misplace their rage?</i>

242
00:11:45,998 --> 00:11:48,751
<i>-Because I do it all the time.</i>
<i>-[cheering]</i>

243
00:11:48,834 --> 00:11:49,918
<i>All the time.</i>

244
00:11:50,002 --> 00:11:54,089
<i>And it doesn't help that I'm very nosy</i>
<i>and I like to be in strangers' business.</i>

245
00:11:54,173 --> 00:11:58,135
<i>So that really helps me get mad</i>
<i>about shit that has nothing to do with me.</i>

246
00:11:58,218 --> 00:12:01,096
<i>If I'm in a restaurant</i>
<i>and the couple next to me is fighting,</i>

247
00:12:01,180 --> 00:12:03,098
<i>I'm not leaving 'til I know how it ends.</i>

248
00:12:03,849 --> 00:12:07,060
<i>I'm gonna say that right now.</i>
<i>I'd say, "Hold my check."</i>

249
00:12:07,728 --> 00:12:09,438
<i>"Girl, do you need a ride?"</i>

250
00:12:10,522 --> 00:12:12,649
<i>"You can come live with me</i>
<i>'cause he ain't shit."</i>

251
00:12:12,733 --> 00:12:14,193
<i>Like, that's what I would do.</i>

252
00:12:14,693 --> 00:12:16,528
<i>-[audience cheers]</i>
<i>-I would do that.</i>

253
00:12:17,029 --> 00:12:20,616
<i>I would do that at any time.</i>

254
00:12:20,699 --> 00:12:22,618
<i>And so I'm always finding stuff like…</i>

255
00:12:22,701 --> 00:12:25,704
<i>A prime example of some stuff</i>
<i>that just set me off.</i>

256
00:12:26,205 --> 00:12:29,249
<i>I saw a grown man with a full beard</i>

257
00:12:29,333 --> 00:12:31,210
<i>drinking chocolate milk.</i>

258
00:12:32,127 --> 00:12:34,546
<i>And I became livid. Ugh!</i>

259
00:12:35,214 --> 00:12:38,509
<i>I was in my head like, "What the fuck</i>
<i>you doing drinking chocolate milk?"</i>

260
00:12:39,384 --> 00:12:42,262
<i>"This ain't kindergarten!</i>
<i>Life is not a game."</i>

261
00:12:42,346 --> 00:12:45,015
<i>"The ocean is on fire. Okay?"</i>

262
00:12:45,098 --> 00:12:46,809
<i>"There is fire in the water."</i>

263
00:12:46,892 --> 00:12:49,895
<i>"What you doing drinking chocolate milk</i>
<i>when the ocean is on fire?"</i>

264
00:12:49,978 --> 00:12:52,231
<i>Okay, okay. That's what I'm mad about.</i>

265
00:12:52,314 --> 00:12:53,774
<i>That's what I'm mad about.</i>

266
00:12:54,525 --> 00:12:55,943
<i>There it is, there it is.</i>

267
00:12:56,443 --> 00:12:58,821
<i>Honey, I need</i>
<i>to let the bitch sip a Nesquik,</i>

268
00:12:58,904 --> 00:13:01,740
<i>and I need</i>
<i>to call my representatives. You know?</i>

269
00:13:01,824 --> 00:13:03,450
<i>[audience applauds]</i>

270
00:13:03,534 --> 00:13:05,369
<i>[audience cheers]</i>

271
00:13:05,452 --> 00:13:07,120
<i>You have to focus.</i>

272
00:13:07,621 --> 00:13:10,207
<i>What are you really mad about?</i>

273
00:13:10,791 --> 00:13:14,086
<i>Always. You know, it didn't help</i>
<i>that he was a Caucasian man.</i>

274
00:13:15,170 --> 00:13:19,049
<i>Whenever I see a white man thriving,</i>
<i>I'm always suspect. You know?</i>

275
00:13:19,132 --> 00:13:21,134
<i>I see him, I'm like,</i>
<i>"What are you planning?"</i>

276
00:13:21,218 --> 00:13:22,719
<i>One time I was walking</i>

277
00:13:22,803 --> 00:13:26,598
<i>and there was this young, fit white guy,</i>
<i>and he was jogging</i>

278
00:13:26,682 --> 00:13:28,851
<i>and he was waiting at the light,</i>
<i>for it to change.</i>

279
00:13:28,934 --> 00:13:31,144
<i>So he's jogging.</i>
<i>Gotta keep that heart rate up.</i>

280
00:13:31,228 --> 00:13:34,606
<i>He's not wearing a shirt.</i>
<i>I was like, "Quit bragging." And he…</i>

281
00:13:34,690 --> 00:13:38,777
<i>And he had his ear buds in</i>
<i>and he just was chuckling to himself.</i>

282
00:13:38,861 --> 00:13:40,195
<i>And I just had this vision</i>

283
00:13:40,279 --> 00:13:42,573
<i>of just grabbing</i>
<i>those AirPods out of his ears</i>

284
00:13:42,656 --> 00:13:44,616
<i>being like,</i>
<i>"What the hell you laughing at?"</i>

285
00:13:46,159 --> 00:13:49,454
<i>Why? Why was I so rude?</i>

286
00:13:49,538 --> 00:13:51,164
<i>I didn't do it, but I wanted to.</i>

287
00:13:52,416 --> 00:13:55,669
<i>I realized why though.</i>
<i>You know why, honey? You know why?</i>

288
00:13:55,752 --> 00:13:58,547
<i>The reason why I don't trust</i>
<i>that white-boy joy,</i>

289
00:13:59,089 --> 00:14:00,173
<i>it's because…</i>

290
00:14:00,257 --> 00:14:02,217
<i>It's been happening for years.</i>

291
00:14:02,301 --> 00:14:06,096
<i>And I've had this suspect…</i>
<i>It's not for the reasons you think. Okay?</i>

292
00:14:06,179 --> 00:14:07,723
<i>I don't trust white men</i>

293
00:14:07,806 --> 00:14:11,059
<i>because most white men</i>
<i>were once white boys.</i>

294
00:14:11,143 --> 00:14:14,354
<i>All right?</i>
<i>And as a child of the '80s and '90s,</i>

295
00:14:14,438 --> 00:14:16,982
<i>every movie and TV show I watched</i>

296
00:14:17,065 --> 00:14:21,612
<i>was about a little white boy getting</i>
<i>into trouble and having bad energy.</i>

297
00:14:21,695 --> 00:14:23,864
<i>Okay? These little white boys</i>

298
00:14:23,947 --> 00:14:26,533
<i>love making friends</i>
<i>with an extraterrestrial.</i>

299
00:14:26,617 --> 00:14:27,451
<i>Okay?</i>

300
00:14:28,619 --> 00:14:31,455
<i>They will go ahead</i>
<i>and find a gremlin. Okay?</i>

301
00:14:31,538 --> 00:14:35,167
<i>Little white… They're having</i>
<i>close encounters of the third kind.</i>

302
00:14:35,250 --> 00:14:36,627
<i>What are the other two?</i>

303
00:14:36,710 --> 00:14:38,921
<i>What are the other two encounters?</i>

304
00:14:39,004 --> 00:14:41,882
<i>-We don't know. We don't know!</i>
<i>-[audience applauds]</i>

305
00:14:41,965 --> 00:14:43,634
<i>Little white boys, I'll tell you.</i>

306
00:14:43,717 --> 00:14:47,471
<i>Little white boys love</i>
<i>opening a portal to another dimension.</i>

307
00:14:48,555 --> 00:14:51,683
<i>These bitches will open a portal</i>
<i>and leave you to pick up the pieces.</i>

308
00:14:51,767 --> 00:14:54,728
<i>That's a fact.</i>
<i>Have you ever seen the movie </i>The Gate<i>?</i>

309
00:14:54,811 --> 00:14:57,481
<i>This is from 1989. Very formative for me.</i>

310
00:14:57,564 --> 00:15:00,442
<i>And it's literally</i>
<i>about two little white boys</i>

311
00:15:00,525 --> 00:15:02,486
<i>home alone for a holiday weekend,</i>

312
00:15:02,569 --> 00:15:04,363
<i>and they open up a pathway to hell.</i>

313
00:15:05,489 --> 00:15:08,784
<i>Why couldn't they just order a pizza</i>
<i>like everybody else?</i>

314
00:15:10,953 --> 00:15:12,663
<i>This is why I don't trust it.</i>

315
00:15:12,746 --> 00:15:15,624
<i>It's to the point</i>
<i>where nothing scares me more,</i>

316
00:15:15,707 --> 00:15:18,460
<i>no image shakes me to my core</i>

317
00:15:18,961 --> 00:15:23,465
<i>like seeing one or more</i>
<i>white boys riding bicycles.</i>

318
00:15:23,548 --> 00:15:26,301
<i>-[audience cheers]</i>
<i>-Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm.</i>

319
00:15:26,385 --> 00:15:27,302
<i>Mm-mmm.</i>

320
00:15:27,386 --> 00:15:31,139
<i>Mm-mmm. I see a bitch on a bike,</i>
<i>I'm going in the opposite direction.</i>

321
00:15:31,223 --> 00:15:33,850
<i>'Cause it means</i>
<i>there is a poltergeist afoot.</i>

322
00:15:34,643 --> 00:15:36,687
<i>I do not wanna be caught</i>
<i>in those crosshairs.</i>

323
00:15:36,770 --> 00:15:39,481
<i>I'm gonna tell you right now.</i>
<i>I'm trying to live.</i>

324
00:15:40,607 --> 00:15:42,526
<i>I am trying to live, honey.</i>

325
00:15:42,609 --> 00:15:44,653
<i>I'm vaxxed and relaxed.</i>

326
00:15:45,487 --> 00:15:47,990
<i>-I'm so happy. Whoo! Right?</i>
<i>-[cheering]</i>

327
00:15:48,573 --> 00:15:49,533
<i>Ooh!</i>

328
00:15:50,659 --> 00:15:54,037
<i>I am so happy to be vaxxed.</i>
<i>Ooh, I was thirsty for that vax.</i>

329
00:15:55,372 --> 00:15:57,290
<i>There was that little slow roll-out.</i>

330
00:15:57,374 --> 00:16:00,252
<i>You had to wait your turn.</i>
<i>I didn't wanna wait my turn. Okay?</i>

331
00:16:00,335 --> 00:16:04,172
<i>I just kept refreshing the webpage</i>
<i>like I'm trying to get BTS tickets.</i>

332
00:16:04,256 --> 00:16:07,634
<i>I'm like, "When's it my time?</i>
<i>When's it my time?"</i>

333
00:16:07,718 --> 00:16:11,555
<i>And the Los Angeles County website</i>
<i>is like, "Bitch, it's not about you."</i>

334
00:16:12,681 --> 00:16:15,267
<i>And I refused. I refused.</i>
<i>So I had to wait a few months</i>

335
00:16:15,350 --> 00:16:17,310
<i>'til it was my turn to get that vax.</i>

336
00:16:17,811 --> 00:16:19,521
<i>And as I'm waiting for this vax,</i>

337
00:16:20,022 --> 00:16:24,234
<i>I read an article</i>
<i>about how the San Diego Zoo</i>

338
00:16:24,860 --> 00:16:29,531
<i>has vaccinated all of its orangutans</i>
<i>against COVID-19.</i>

339
00:16:30,574 --> 00:16:32,826
<i>Y'all. Y'all!</i>

340
00:16:32,909 --> 00:16:37,539
<i>I'm out here waiting for this vax,</i>
<i>and the orangutans got the vax!</i>

341
00:16:37,622 --> 00:16:40,959
<i>[scoffs] So it's like literally</i>
<i>one orangutan coughed</i>

342
00:16:41,043 --> 00:16:44,838
<i>and the zoo was like,</i>
<i>"Not on our watch. Not our citizens."</i>

343
00:16:46,089 --> 00:16:48,884
<i>I was like, "Okay.</i>
<i>Now googling, 'Can I get a habitat?'"</i>

344
00:16:48,967 --> 00:16:50,218
<i>You know what I'm saying?</i>

345
00:16:51,094 --> 00:16:53,722
<i>If they giving out the vax</i>
<i>and taking care of business,</i>

346
00:16:53,805 --> 00:16:56,224
<i>I will move to the zoo.</i>
<i>I'mma tell you that right now.</i>

347
00:16:56,308 --> 00:17:00,270
<i>If there's one thing 2020 taught me</i>
<i>it's that I can thrive in an enclosure.</i>

348
00:17:00,353 --> 00:17:03,065
<i>So why not, honey?</i>

349
00:17:03,148 --> 00:17:04,649
<i>Give a bitch a habitat.</i>

350
00:17:04,733 --> 00:17:07,027
<i>[audience cheers and applauds]</i>

351
00:17:07,110 --> 00:17:07,944
<i>It's true.</i>

352
00:17:09,029 --> 00:17:12,866
<i>And I'm telling you, I would be better</i>
<i>than those other animals at the zoo.</i>

353
00:17:12,949 --> 00:17:16,745
<i>Okay? You go to the zoo, them animals</i>
<i>hiding behind a rock the whole time.</i>

354
00:17:16,828 --> 00:17:20,499
<i>When the school group comes,</i>
<i>I am coming out. Okay?</i>

355
00:17:20,582 --> 00:17:23,418
<i>I'm doing a tight five</i>
<i>for the children. Okay?</i>

356
00:17:24,211 --> 00:17:26,088
<i>If it means I can get that vax.</i>

357
00:17:27,631 --> 00:17:30,759
<i>I couldn't believe that article came out</i>
<i>when I was waiting for a vax.</i>

358
00:17:30,842 --> 00:17:32,260
<i>I took that personally.</i>

359
00:17:32,344 --> 00:17:37,307
<i>Especially once I read</i>
<i>that one of the orangutans at the zoo</i>

360
00:17:37,390 --> 00:17:38,850
<i>was named Karen.</i>

361
00:17:38,934 --> 00:17:41,228
<i>-Come on. Come on!</i>
<i>-[audience exclaims]</i>

362
00:17:41,311 --> 00:17:43,605
<i>I was like,</i>
<i>"San Diego Zoo, you messy." Okay?</i>

363
00:17:44,106 --> 00:17:46,191
<i>"You know exactly what you're doing."</i>

364
00:17:47,192 --> 00:17:49,402
<i>Karen the orangutan had the vax.</i>

365
00:17:50,278 --> 00:17:53,448
<i>Meanwhile, I'm going to Walgreens</i>
<i>at closing every damn day,</i>

366
00:17:53,532 --> 00:17:55,200
<i>like a damn Oliver Twist.</i>

367
00:17:55,867 --> 00:17:58,662
<i>[in English accent] "Please, sir.</i>
<i>Can I have some vaccine?"</i>

368
00:17:58,745 --> 00:18:00,580
<i>[audience applauds]</i>

369
00:18:00,664 --> 00:18:03,333
<i>"Can I have some vaccine</i>
<i>before it's spoiled?"</i>

370
00:18:06,586 --> 00:18:08,296
<i>That vax was delicate, honey.</i>

371
00:18:08,380 --> 00:18:10,507
<i>You only have six hours.</i>
<i>Use it or lose it.</i>

372
00:18:10,590 --> 00:18:11,967
<i>It was like a ripe avocado.</i>

373
00:18:12,050 --> 00:18:14,344
<i>If you don't make that guac,</i>
<i>you're out of luck.</i>

374
00:18:14,928 --> 00:18:16,638
<i>It's like, "Can I get some vaccine?"</i>

375
00:18:17,264 --> 00:18:18,348
<i>I couldn't get it.</i>

376
00:18:18,431 --> 00:18:22,602
<i>What Karen the orangutan</i>
<i>need the vax for? Okay?</i>

377
00:18:22,686 --> 00:18:25,564
<i>I'm out here</i>
<i>with pre-existing conditions, honey.</i>

378
00:18:26,064 --> 00:18:28,650
<i>Asthma, Blackness. Okay?</i>

379
00:18:28,733 --> 00:18:30,652
<i>I'm out here. What Karen do all day?</i>

380
00:18:30,735 --> 00:18:33,738
<i>She sit in a tree and rub her clitoris.</i>
<i>Why you need the vax?</i>

381
00:18:35,323 --> 00:18:37,159
<i>Why you need the vax, Karen?</i>

382
00:18:38,118 --> 00:18:41,288
<i>I was so mad at Karen.</i>
<i>And I was, like, googling her.</i>

383
00:18:41,371 --> 00:18:43,498
<i>You know how when you hate somebody</i>

384
00:18:44,624 --> 00:18:48,587
<i>and so you start to research them</i>
<i>to find out more information</i>

385
00:18:48,670 --> 00:18:51,089
<i>that supports your hatred.</i>
<i>You know what I mean?</i>

386
00:18:51,798 --> 00:18:53,925
<i>That's what I did</i>
<i>with Karen the orangutan.</i>

387
00:18:54,718 --> 00:18:57,888
<i>I was googling</i>
<i>"Karen, orangutan, San Diego."</i>

388
00:18:57,971 --> 00:18:59,806
<i>A lot of other stuff came up,</i>

389
00:19:01,308 --> 00:19:04,019
<i>but then I got to Karen,</i>
<i>the orangutan in question.</i>

390
00:19:04,519 --> 00:19:05,729
<i>My mortal enemy.</i>

391
00:19:05,812 --> 00:19:09,232
<i>And I read, honey, Karen the orangutan</i>

392
00:19:10,192 --> 00:19:16,448
<i>was one of the first primates</i>
<i>to have open-heart surgery in the '90s.</i>

393
00:19:17,490 --> 00:19:19,659
<i>We're giving this bitch too many chances.</i>

394
00:19:19,743 --> 00:19:21,953
<i>What are we doing? What are we doing?</i>

395
00:19:22,037 --> 00:19:25,040
<i>Karen, you had a good run.</i>
<i>If you get the co-co, you get the co-co.</i>

396
00:19:25,123 --> 00:19:26,041
<i>Okay?</i>

397
00:19:26,583 --> 00:19:28,919
<i>You've had 25 good years, Karen.</i>

398
00:19:29,002 --> 00:19:30,962
<i>Why are we trying to hold on to you?</i>

399
00:19:31,838 --> 00:19:34,299
<i>Getting that vax before I had the vax.</i>

400
00:19:35,884 --> 00:19:37,886
<i>I am an animal lover. [laughs]</i>

401
00:19:39,679 --> 00:19:41,890
<i>Don't get me wrong. Okay? Um…</i>

402
00:19:41,973 --> 00:19:43,475
<i>I am. I'm a dog mother.</i>

403
00:19:43,558 --> 00:19:46,937
<i>-So that's beautiful. Thank you. Yes.</i>
<i>-[audience applauds]</i>

404
00:19:47,020 --> 00:19:48,271
<i>Yeah, yeah, yeah.</i>

405
00:19:48,355 --> 00:19:49,940
<i>She's gorg. She's gorg.</i>

406
00:19:50,023 --> 00:19:52,150
<i>Um, she's about eight years old.</i>

407
00:19:52,234 --> 00:19:56,029
<i>I've had her for two years.</i>
<i>So, yes, she's a rescue. You're welcome.</i>

408
00:19:56,112 --> 00:19:58,490
<i>Uh, yeah. It's important to say that.</i>

409
00:19:58,573 --> 00:20:01,117
<i>I follow a lot of animal accounts</i>
<i>on Instagram</i>

410
00:20:01,201 --> 00:20:03,870
<i>and people will post a picture</i>
<i>of their animal and be like,</i>

411
00:20:03,954 --> 00:20:05,956
<i>"#WhoRescuedWho?"</i>

412
00:20:06,790 --> 00:20:10,085
<i>It's like, "Um,</i>
<i>I rescued her ass." [scoffs]</i>

413
00:20:12,212 --> 00:20:15,131
<i>I saw her and I said,</i>
<i>"Come with me if you want to live."</i>

414
00:20:16,216 --> 00:20:18,802
<i>That's the dynamic. That's the dynamic.</i>

415
00:20:18,885 --> 00:20:20,887
<i>"Get your nose out your ass. Let's go."</i>

416
00:20:22,472 --> 00:20:24,057
<i>And she is so cute, y'all.</i>

417
00:20:24,140 --> 00:20:27,686
<i>She's this little Maltese Terrier,</i>
<i>pocket-petite angel.</i>

418
00:20:27,769 --> 00:20:29,688
<i>She's gorgeous, she's gorgeous.</i>

419
00:20:29,771 --> 00:20:32,816
<i>The thing I realized,</i>
<i>I realized a week into having this dog,</i>

420
00:20:32,899 --> 00:20:36,528
<i>I can't have a dog that's too fine.</i>
<i>'Cause when you got a fine-ass dog,</i>

421
00:20:36,611 --> 00:20:39,364
<i>people wanna engage with you</i>
<i>out in these streets. Okay?</i>

422
00:20:39,447 --> 00:20:43,326
<i>I'm a curmudgeon and she is gorgeous,</i>
<i>and they wanna get connected.</i>

423
00:20:43,410 --> 00:20:46,663
<i>You know, we walking</i>
<i>and people are like, "Is she friendly?"</i>

424
00:20:47,789 --> 00:20:49,791
<i>And I'm like, "No, I'm not!"</i>

425
00:20:49,874 --> 00:20:51,042
<i>And I walk away.</i>

426
00:20:51,126 --> 00:20:54,129
<i>[audience applauds and cheers]</i>

427
00:20:54,212 --> 00:20:55,255
<i>It's true.</i>

428
00:20:57,716 --> 00:21:00,302
<i>Especially in the morning.</i>
<i>I'm not a morning person.</i>

429
00:21:00,385 --> 00:21:02,887
<i>I really thought the dog</i>
<i>would fix that. You know?</i>

430
00:21:02,971 --> 00:21:06,933
<i>I was like,"If I have a dog, that means</i>
<i>every morning I am waking up early</i>

431
00:21:07,017 --> 00:21:09,561
<i>and starting with a brisk walk." Okay?</i>

432
00:21:09,644 --> 00:21:11,980
<i>Twenty to thirty minutes every morning.</i>

433
00:21:12,063 --> 00:21:14,566
<i>And obviously that'll start</i>
<i>a whole lot of changes.</i>

434
00:21:14,649 --> 00:21:17,694
<i>'Cause after that, I'll come home,</i>
<i>have a sensible breakfast.</i>

435
00:21:17,777 --> 00:21:21,281
<i>Something like half a cantaloupe</i>
<i>with a scoop of cottage cheese.</i>

436
00:21:21,364 --> 00:21:24,659
<i>You know? I was like, I can do that.</i>
<i>And then once I've done that,</i>

437
00:21:24,743 --> 00:21:27,579
<i>yes, finally, learn to play sudoku.</i>

438
00:21:27,662 --> 00:21:29,164
<i>Then I'm doing that.</i>

439
00:21:29,247 --> 00:21:32,584
<i>At which point,</i>
<i>the screenplays will write themselves.</i>

440
00:21:32,667 --> 00:21:35,837
<i>And then after that,</i>
<i>I'm already operating on a high level,</i>

441
00:21:35,920 --> 00:21:39,591
<i>I start to handle the world's problems.</i>
<i>I'm my best self, I'm operating up here.</i>

442
00:21:39,674 --> 00:21:41,343
<i>Now I pick up my phone and I'm like,</i>

443
00:21:41,426 --> 00:21:44,262
<i>"Israel, girl,</i>
<i>I got Palestine on the other line."</i>

444
00:21:44,346 --> 00:21:46,890
<i>-[audience cheers]</i>
<i>-"And we gonna fix this."</i>

445
00:21:48,433 --> 00:21:49,726
<i>"I have a plan."</i>

446
00:21:52,228 --> 00:21:54,147
<i>"I have been up since 8:00 a.m."</i>

447
00:21:57,484 --> 00:21:59,527
<i>[sighs] Y'all, I had big dreams…</i>

448
00:21:59,611 --> 00:22:00,820
<i>[chuckles awkwardly]</i>

449
00:22:00,904 --> 00:22:03,031
<i>But that ain't what happened.</i>

450
00:22:03,114 --> 00:22:06,701
<i>Every morning, I wake up,</i>
<i>roll over and look at this dog,</i>

451
00:22:06,785 --> 00:22:09,579
<i>and I'm like,</i>
<i>"You can pee in the bed if you want to."</i>

452
00:22:10,372 --> 00:22:13,041
<i>"You might as well.</i>
<i>I can take an extra ten minutes."</i>

453
00:22:13,124 --> 00:22:14,376
<i>"Why not? Why not?"</i>

454
00:22:15,168 --> 00:22:18,338
<i>I'm not a morning person</i>
<i>and I think real dog people,</i>

455
00:22:18,421 --> 00:22:21,132
<i>people who've had a dog</i>
<i>a long time, they're up, honey.</i>

456
00:22:21,216 --> 00:22:24,552
<i>They're up with the sun,</i>
<i>they're step-touching in the morning.</i>

457
00:22:24,636 --> 00:22:28,223
<i>They're out.</i>
<i>They expect eye contact. Okay?</i>

458
00:22:28,306 --> 00:22:30,850
<i>They wanna engage with you</i>
<i>in these streets.</i>

459
00:22:30,934 --> 00:22:34,396
<i>When I'm walking my dog</i>
<i>in the morning, I am bra-less. Okay?</i>

460
00:22:34,479 --> 00:22:35,313
<i>I'm bra-less.</i>

461
00:22:35,397 --> 00:22:37,565
<i>If there's one thing</i>
<i>you need to know about me,</i>

462
00:22:37,649 --> 00:22:40,527
<i>it is don't talk to me</i>
<i>when I'm swinging. That's that.</i>

463
00:22:41,236 --> 00:22:43,947
<i>-That's it. That's it!</i>
<i>-[audience applauds]</i>

464
00:22:44,030 --> 00:22:45,782
<i>Don't talk to me when I'm swinging!</i>

465
00:22:45,865 --> 00:22:47,283
<i>[cheering]</i>

466
00:22:48,326 --> 00:22:50,954
<i>If I ever ran for office,</i>
<i>that would be my platform.</i>

467
00:22:51,704 --> 00:22:55,542
<i>"2024. Naomi Ekperigin.</i>
<i>'Don't talk to me when I'm swinging.'"</i>

468
00:22:56,126 --> 00:22:57,794
<i>That would be it. It's true.</i>

469
00:22:58,753 --> 00:23:00,880
<i>But I love my dog. She's so perfect.</i>

470
00:23:00,964 --> 00:23:04,926
<i>It's so good 'cause she gives me</i>
<i>and Jew-boo, that's my Jewish boo,</i>

471
00:23:05,009 --> 00:23:07,971
<i>something to talk about</i>
<i>after all these years.</i>

472
00:23:08,555 --> 00:23:11,599
<i>[chuckles] We've been together</i>
<i>almost 12 years.</i>

473
00:23:11,683 --> 00:23:14,227
<i>-[cheering]</i>
<i>-Yeah. Right? Huge.</i>

474
00:23:14,310 --> 00:23:15,812
<i>Almost 12 years.</i>

475
00:23:15,895 --> 00:23:18,690
<i>And if you count 2020,</i>
<i>we've been together 38 years.</i>

476
00:23:18,773 --> 00:23:22,068
<i>And so it's been a long time.</i>
<i>It's been a long time.</i>

477
00:23:22,152 --> 00:23:25,155
<i>We love each other deeply still.</i>
<i>That's magical.</i>

478
00:23:25,238 --> 00:23:28,450
<i>Um, is anybody else here…</i>
<i>Is anyone here an interracial couple?</i>

479
00:23:28,533 --> 00:23:30,410
<i>-An IRC? Anyone?</i>
<i>-[scattered cheers]</i>

480
00:23:30,493 --> 00:23:34,247
<i>Yes, yes, yes!</i>
<i>This is the future liberals want.</i>

481
00:23:34,330 --> 00:23:35,248
<i>We love it.</i>

482
00:23:35,790 --> 00:23:37,292
<i>Now, I don't know about y'all,</i>

483
00:23:37,375 --> 00:23:39,669
<i>but when me and Jew-boo</i>
<i>are out in these streets,</i>

484
00:23:39,752 --> 00:23:41,880
<i>no one ever thinks we're together.</i>

485
00:23:41,963 --> 00:23:46,217
<i>Okay? They do not fathom</i>
<i>the connection between us two.</i>

486
00:23:46,301 --> 00:23:49,012
<i>Jew-boo thinks</i>
<i>it's because he's a bit shorter than me,</i>

487
00:23:49,095 --> 00:23:51,389
<i>and I'm like… [sighs]</i>
<i>"You're optimistic." Um…</i>

488
00:23:54,184 --> 00:23:57,937
<i>But yes, for the record,</i>
<i>I do stay in a travel-size king. Okay?</i>

489
00:23:59,022 --> 00:24:01,399
<i>You need to get you a boo</i>
<i>that is TSA compliant.</i>

490
00:24:01,483 --> 00:24:05,778
<i>Listen to me.</i>
<i>Pack him in your bag and go. Okay?</i>

491
00:24:06,488 --> 00:24:08,364
<i>But that's not it, 'cause we will be out,</i>

492
00:24:08,448 --> 00:24:11,159
<i>we will walk up</i>
<i>to the host stand at a restaurant,</i>

493
00:24:11,242 --> 00:24:13,828
<i>and the hostess will be like,</i>
<i>"Are you two together?"</i>

494
00:24:13,912 --> 00:24:15,038
<i>"Are you together?"</i>

495
00:24:15,121 --> 00:24:18,958
<i>And it's like, "We're holding hands</i>
<i>and there's no one behind us."</i>

496
00:24:19,459 --> 00:24:21,002
<i>"Yes, we're together!"</i>

497
00:24:21,085 --> 00:24:22,170
<i>She's like, "Huh?"</i>

498
00:24:22,253 --> 00:24:25,507
<i>I'm like, "No. I'm his home health aid</i>
<i>getting him settled."</i>

499
00:24:27,091 --> 00:24:29,219
<i>"We wanted to have an early-bird special."</i>

500
00:24:30,386 --> 00:24:32,639
<i>All the time. All the time.</i>

501
00:24:34,182 --> 00:24:38,478
<i>And also when we go to the grocery store.</i>
<i>Trader Joe's, my favorite place.</i>

502
00:24:38,561 --> 00:24:40,230
<i>Normally a safe space.</i>

503
00:24:40,939 --> 00:24:45,276
<i>But we're in Trader Joe's.</i>
<i>We walk up to the register. Okay?</i>

504
00:24:45,360 --> 00:24:48,613
<i>What's the situation?</i>
<i>Two lovers, one cart.</i>

505
00:24:50,198 --> 00:24:53,576
<i>And we go up</i>
<i>and the cashier looks at Jew-boo.</i>

506
00:24:53,660 --> 00:24:55,453
<i>They always look at Jew-boo first.</i>

507
00:24:55,537 --> 00:24:59,249
<i>They look and check-in with him,</i>
<i>like, "Sir, are you under duress?"</i>

508
00:24:59,332 --> 00:25:01,584
<i>"Blink twice if she's hurting you."</i>

509
00:25:01,668 --> 00:25:03,336
<i>They're very checked-in to him like,</i>

510
00:25:03,419 --> 00:25:06,673
<i>"Sir, are you two together?</i>
<i>Is this your cart?"</i>

511
00:25:06,756 --> 00:25:08,424
<i>And I was in a mood that day.</i>

512
00:25:08,508 --> 00:25:10,468
<i>So I said, "Yes, we together!"</i>

513
00:25:10,552 --> 00:25:13,346
<i>"Last time we kissed</i>
<i>I accidentally burped in his mouth."</i>

514
00:25:13,429 --> 00:25:14,847
<i>"Yes. We are together!"</i>

515
00:25:15,723 --> 00:25:18,726
<i>[audience applauds and cheers]</i>

516
00:25:23,064 --> 00:25:25,024
<i>I didn't burp in his mouth on purpose.</i>

517
00:25:26,568 --> 00:25:30,071
<i>It just happened. After 11 years,</i>
<i>like, you kissing, you feel the burp,</i>

518
00:25:30,154 --> 00:25:33,116
<i>you just don't pull away.</i>
<i>That's it. It's just what happens.</i>

519
00:25:33,199 --> 00:25:34,659
<i>You just decide it. You know?</i>

520
00:25:35,285 --> 00:25:38,621
<i>The most recent one,</i>
<i>the most egregious, was in L.A.</i>

521
00:25:38,705 --> 00:25:42,417
<i>We have a homeless neighbor on our street</i>
<i>because America's a capitalist hellscape</i>

522
00:25:42,500 --> 00:25:45,712
<i>that doesn't take care</i>
<i>of its most vulnerable citizens. And, uh…</i>

523
00:25:45,795 --> 00:25:47,797
<i>[audience cheers]</i>

524
00:25:49,132 --> 00:25:53,011
<i>And he's always on our block.</i>
<i>It's been years. He's our guy.</i>

525
00:25:53,094 --> 00:25:57,140
<i>We say, "Hi. What's up? You want a dollar?</i>
<i>You want some food?" This is the dude.</i>

526
00:25:57,223 --> 00:26:00,018
<i>And there was one day,</i>
<i>Jew-boo was walking alone</i>

527
00:26:00,101 --> 00:26:01,311
<i>and he ran into him.</i>

528
00:26:01,811 --> 00:26:03,146
<i>And this guy goes,</i>

529
00:26:03,771 --> 00:26:05,523
<i>"What happened to your roommate?"</i>

530
00:26:06,232 --> 00:26:07,650
<i>"Where's your roommate?"</i>

531
00:26:07,734 --> 00:26:10,361
<i>"You're always together.</i>
<i>Where's your roommate?"</i>

532
00:26:11,070 --> 00:26:14,866
<i>Now this man</i>
<i>has seen us embrace in the rain</i>

533
00:26:14,949 --> 00:26:18,995
<i>on the street corner</i>
<i>like we're in the end of a Brontë novel.</i>

534
00:26:20,997 --> 00:26:23,082
<i>He know we together. Okay?</i>

535
00:26:23,166 --> 00:26:25,376
<i>He know we together.</i>
<i>He was being messy.</i>

536
00:26:27,045 --> 00:26:28,671
<i>So that's what Jew-boo told him.</i>

537
00:26:28,755 --> 00:26:31,215
<i>"We are together.</i>
<i>That's my partner. We live together."</i>

538
00:26:31,299 --> 00:26:33,676
<i>Then the guy, he goes, "Oh!"</i>

539
00:26:33,760 --> 00:26:35,762
<i>"I had a Black girlfriend once,</i>

540
00:26:36,596 --> 00:26:40,058
<i>but it didn't last 'cause she kept trying</i>
<i>to make me do new stuff."</i>

541
00:26:40,600 --> 00:26:42,810
<i>I said, "Sir, this is why</i>
<i>you're unhoused. Okay?"</i>

542
00:26:43,561 --> 00:26:47,523
<i>"You should've listened</i>
<i>to your Black girlfriend,</i>

543
00:26:47,607 --> 00:26:49,984
<i>'cause, yes,</i>
<i>we will make you do new stuff."</i>

544
00:26:50,485 --> 00:26:53,071
<i>"New stuff like therapy. Okay?"</i>

545
00:26:53,154 --> 00:26:55,156
<i>[audience cheers and applauds]</i>

546
00:26:58,868 --> 00:27:02,705
<i>"New stuff like learning</i>
<i>to wash your sheets. Okay?"</i>

547
00:27:03,373 --> 00:27:06,376
<i>"New stuff like clipping</i>
<i>them toenails. Okay?"</i>

548
00:27:06,459 --> 00:27:08,211
<i>That's what Black girlfriends do.</i>

549
00:27:09,212 --> 00:27:11,798
<i>I wanna make it clear</i>
<i>I'm not mad at him for being unhoused,</i>

550
00:27:11,881 --> 00:27:13,675
<i>I'm mad at him for being a bitch.</i>

551
00:27:15,677 --> 00:27:17,303
<i>Jeremy was being very rude.</i>

552
00:27:18,179 --> 00:27:19,055
<i>His name is Jeremy.</i>

553
00:27:19,138 --> 00:27:21,265
<i>I should've said that up top.</i>
<i>Jeremy. Rude.</i>

554
00:27:21,349 --> 00:27:24,602
<i>[sighs] God, he was like,</i>
<i>"Are you together? Your roommate?"</i>

555
00:27:24,686 --> 00:27:26,062
<i>Ugh, Jer…</i>

556
00:27:26,145 --> 00:27:29,440
<i>Um, but it's crazy</i>
<i>'cause people don't think we're together.</i>

557
00:27:29,524 --> 00:27:30,483
<i>So that's one side.</i>

558
00:27:30,566 --> 00:27:33,194
<i>And the other side</i>
<i>swings totally opposite,</i>

559
00:27:33,277 --> 00:27:35,655
<i>and they're obsessed with us having kids.</i>

560
00:27:35,738 --> 00:27:38,908
<i>Whoo, they want us to have kids</i>
<i>'cause I'm Black and he's white.</i>

561
00:27:38,991 --> 00:27:40,410
<i>Ooh, everyone's so excited.</i>

562
00:27:40,910 --> 00:27:44,497
<i>They're like, "When will you have babies?</i>
<i>Your babies are gonna be gorgeous."</i>

563
00:27:44,580 --> 00:27:46,874
<i>"You've gotta have babies!</i>
<i>They'll be gorgeous."</i>

564
00:27:46,958 --> 00:27:50,086
<i>"Oh my God! When are you having babies?</i>
<i>They'll be gorgeous!"</i>

565
00:27:50,169 --> 00:27:54,090
<i>[exhales] And it's like, "Y'all,</i>
<i>why is everybody so horny for this baby</i>

566
00:27:54,173 --> 00:27:56,843
<i>just 'cause it's gonna be beige?</i>
<i>I don't understand."</i>

567
00:27:57,969 --> 00:27:59,971
<i>Why? Why?</i>

568
00:28:00,054 --> 00:28:02,765
<i>They all look like baked potatoes</i>
<i>when they come out.</i>

569
00:28:05,977 --> 00:28:09,564
<i>Plus, I'm like… I don't have</i>
<i>an impulse to have a baby.</i>

570
00:28:09,647 --> 00:28:11,399
<i>Like to… To make one.</i>

571
00:28:11,482 --> 00:28:14,819
<i>Like maybe I'd adopt a teenager,</i>
<i>you know, a kid I could put to work.</i>

572
00:28:15,611 --> 00:28:18,656
<i>But I don't feel like… I don't know.</i>

573
00:28:18,740 --> 00:28:20,658
<i>I've never had this sense of like,</i>

574
00:28:20,742 --> 00:28:24,287
<i>"We must preserve the DNA</i>
<i>in the bloodline." You know?</i>

575
00:28:24,370 --> 00:28:26,372
<i>Y'all, I have clinical depression,</i>

576
00:28:26,456 --> 00:28:29,417
<i>I am half blind,</i>
<i>and I've had braces twice.</i>

577
00:28:29,500 --> 00:28:33,045
<i>So I think it's safe to say</i>
<i>the bloodline ends here.</i>

578
00:28:33,129 --> 00:28:34,172
<i>Don't you think?</i>

579
00:28:34,922 --> 00:28:37,049
<i>It's all recessive from here on out.</i>

580
00:28:37,675 --> 00:28:39,260
<i>And you're welcome. [laughs]</i>

581
00:28:39,886 --> 00:28:41,012
<i>I don't want to.</i>

582
00:28:41,095 --> 00:28:44,140
<i>Plus, it's like, I'm old inside.</i>
<i>I can't raise a child.</i>

583
00:28:44,223 --> 00:28:45,892
<i>I don't have that kind of energy.</i>

584
00:28:46,517 --> 00:28:49,687
<i>[sighs] Okay, everybody.</i>
<i>Let me see, let me see.</i>

585
00:28:49,771 --> 00:28:52,565
<i>I was gonna ask</i>
<i>how many of you are over 30.</i>

586
00:28:52,648 --> 00:28:55,860
<i>-[cheering]</i>
<i>-Wow, wow, wow.</i>

587
00:28:55,943 --> 00:28:58,237
<i>A lot of friends, a lot of friends.</i>

588
00:28:58,738 --> 00:29:00,323
<i>Gorgeous, gorgeous.</i>

589
00:29:00,406 --> 00:29:02,158
<i>Everyone under 30, don't say a word</i>

590
00:29:02,241 --> 00:29:05,953
<i>because I can see the light</i>
<i>in your eyes reflected back at me.</i>

591
00:29:06,037 --> 00:29:09,665
<i>You don't need to. Okay, my over-thirties,</i>
<i>since I know there's a lot of you.</i>

592
00:29:09,749 --> 00:29:10,833
<i>-[cheering]</i>
<i>-Wow.</i>

593
00:29:10,917 --> 00:29:13,169
<i>You're far too excited</i>
<i>for someone over 30.</i>

594
00:29:14,629 --> 00:29:16,088
<i>But I will say this, though.</i>

595
00:29:16,172 --> 00:29:19,842
<i>My over-thirties, have you ever had</i>
<i>a moment where you heard somebody talk</i>

596
00:29:19,926 --> 00:29:22,011
<i>and you were like, "You're 22."</i>

597
00:29:23,262 --> 00:29:26,265
<i>-[audience applauds]</i>
<i>-"Yeah. Yeah, you're little."</i>

598
00:29:27,266 --> 00:29:28,726
<i>That happened to me in L.A.</i>

599
00:29:28,810 --> 00:29:32,146
<i>I was walking and I overheard</i>
<i>these two young white women. All right?</i>

600
00:29:32,230 --> 00:29:34,315
<i>I overheard them talking.</i>
<i>I didn't hear much.</i>

601
00:29:34,398 --> 00:29:36,818
<i>Two lines between them.</i>
<i>A couplet, if you will.</i>

602
00:29:37,318 --> 00:29:39,570
<i>Um, and yet it was so rich,</i>

603
00:29:39,654 --> 00:29:41,989
<i>it told me everything I needed to know.</i>

604
00:29:42,073 --> 00:29:44,325
<i>And it was legit.</i>
<i>Just one girl, real casual.</i>

605
00:29:44,408 --> 00:29:47,078
<i>She's not stressed.</i>
<i>She just goes, "Ugh, I feel fat."</i>

606
00:29:47,161 --> 00:29:50,540
<i>And her friend goes,</i>
<i>"Shut up! You're gorgeous!"</i>

607
00:29:52,208 --> 00:29:54,877
<i>Okay, baby girl. [laughs] Like…</i>

608
00:29:55,628 --> 00:29:59,090
<i>Calm down.</i>
<i>That, to me, is early-twenties shit.</i>

609
00:29:59,173 --> 00:30:02,218
<i>Okay? That's what you do</i>
<i>when you just started paying rent</i>

610
00:30:02,301 --> 00:30:03,678
<i>and are excited about it.</i>

611
00:30:03,761 --> 00:30:04,762
<i>You know?</i>

612
00:30:04,846 --> 00:30:06,848
<i>Like, "I bought this tapestry."</i>

613
00:30:06,931 --> 00:30:08,641
<i>You know? That's the energy.</i>

614
00:30:09,851 --> 00:30:12,812
<i>I'm in my thirties. Me and my friends</i>
<i>don't talk like that anymore.</i>

615
00:30:12,895 --> 00:30:14,814
<i>If someone goes, "I feel fat."</i>

616
00:30:14,897 --> 00:30:16,983
<i>The rest of us are like, "Bitch, me too."</i>

617
00:30:17,942 --> 00:30:19,443
<i>I can't lift you up.</i>

618
00:30:21,028 --> 00:30:22,905
<i>I'm out in these streets struggling.</i>

619
00:30:24,615 --> 00:30:26,617
<i>What I can do for you in my thirties</i>

620
00:30:26,701 --> 00:30:29,704
<i>is make you a sandwich. Okay?</i>
<i>I can make you a hot meal,</i>

621
00:30:29,787 --> 00:30:33,541
<i>but I cannot bring you back</i>
<i>from the brink. No, I cannot.</i>

622
00:30:34,417 --> 00:30:37,420
<i>But when you in your early twenties,</i>
<i>that love is aggressive.</i>

623
00:30:37,503 --> 00:30:40,840
<i>You be coming in hot. You be like,</i>
<i>"Shut up, girl. You're a queen!"</i>

624
00:30:42,550 --> 00:30:45,219
<i>And it's like, "No, baby.</i>
<i>You an administrative assistant."</i>

625
00:30:45,303 --> 00:30:47,305
<i>[audience cheers and applauds]</i>

626
00:30:50,057 --> 00:30:51,017
<i>You…</i>

627
00:30:52,393 --> 00:30:55,354
<i>You're not a queen until you can look</i>
<i>somebody in the eye and say,</i>

628
00:30:55,438 --> 00:30:57,148
<i>"I need a vacation from Maui."</i>

629
00:30:57,231 --> 00:30:58,900
<i>[audience cheers]</i>

630
00:30:58,983 --> 00:31:00,484
<i>Thank you.</i>

631
00:31:00,568 --> 00:31:02,111
<i>[hip-hop music playing]</i>

632
00:31:02,194 --> 00:31:04,322
<i>[cheering wildly]</i>

633
00:31:04,947 --> 00:31:06,866
<i>♪ Get your pen, you can go spell it out ♪</i>

634
00:31:06,949 --> 00:31:09,744
<i>♪ While I sip champagne</i>
<i>Kiss my bae and I fix my mane ♪</i>

635
00:31:09,827 --> 00:31:11,120
<i>♪ Then I go sweat it out ♪</i>

636
00:31:11,203 --> 00:31:13,331
<i>♪ That's my name, don't wear it out ♪</i>

637
00:31:13,414 --> 00:31:15,291
<i>♪ Get your pen, you can go spell it out ♪</i>

638
00:31:15,374 --> 00:31:18,461
<i>♪ While I sip champagne</i>
<i>Kiss my bae and I fix my mane ♪</i>

639
00:31:18,544 --> 00:31:19,837
<i>♪ And I go sweat it out ♪</i>

640
00:31:19,921 --> 00:31:21,923
<i>♪ They wanna ask us</i>
<i>What's in a name? ♪</i>

641
00:31:22,006 --> 00:31:24,091
<i>♪ It's too ethnic</i>
<i>It risks all your fame ♪</i>

642
00:31:24,175 --> 00:31:26,177
<i>♪ They don't like</i>
<i>Putting chips in the game ♪</i>

643
00:31:26,260 --> 00:31:28,137
<i>♪ But I won't crack</i>
<i>Look at Ms. Sidibe ♪</i>

644
00:31:28,220 --> 00:31:30,181
<i>♪ It ain't a RPG</i>
<i>Where you make my name up ♪</i>

645
00:31:30,264 --> 00:31:32,767
<i>♪ If it's hard to say</i>
<i>Then you should train your brain, bruh ♪</i>

646
00:31:32,850 --> 00:31:34,852
<i>♪ Don't be a weirdo</i>
<i>If you have a doubt ♪</i>

647
00:31:34,936 --> 00:31:36,938
<i>♪ Don't be a hero, sound it out ♪</i>

648
00:31:37,021 --> 00:31:39,065
<i>♪ Unless you are an idiot</i>
<i>Never, ever deviate ♪</i>

649
00:31:39,148 --> 00:31:41,400
<i>♪ Read what you see</i>
<i>On the screen with my EPK ♪</i>

650
00:31:41,484 --> 00:31:45,446
<i>♪ Never cheat or abbreviate</i>
<i>Seek to alleviate stress, just ask ♪</i>

651
00:31:45,529 --> 00:31:47,782
<i>♪ But then if I repeated it</i>
<i>And you can't repeat it back ♪</i>

652
00:31:47,865 --> 00:31:49,617
<i>♪ No offense but no mas ♪</i>

653
00:31:49,700 --> 00:31:52,286
<i>♪ But I ain't Mr. Feeny teaching</i>
<i>Reading comprehension, kid ♪</i>

654
00:31:52,370 --> 00:31:54,038
<i>♪ I want cash plus tax ♪</i>

655
00:31:54,121 --> 00:31:56,248
<i>♪ That's my name, don't wear it out ♪</i>

656
00:31:56,332 --> 00:31:57,458
<i>♪ Get your pen… ♪</i>