♪ A rose by any other name just as sweet But what about a human, yeah ♪
♪ Sucks to be any kid Who has a name that isn’t typical… ♪
[host] Everybody welcome Naomi Ekperigin!
[crowd cheering enthusiastically]
♪ …go sweat it out ♪
♪ That's my name, don't wear it out ♪
♪ Get your pen, you can go spell it out… ♪
[audience continues cheering]
Yes.
Yes!
This feels right.
This feels right for all of us.
[cheering continues]
Quit it. Quit it!
Quit it.
Y'all are very supportive, but, yes, I did bring my purse on stage.
I did. 'Cause I said, "I don't know y'all."
[laughs] Okay? I don't know y'all in this life.
I am from Harlem and I got to keep an eye on my items. Okay?
[cheering]
Gonna just watch it. So now I can relax, I can focus.
I am so happy to be in New York, honey.
-Whoo! -[audience cheers]
Gorgeous. Wonderful.
I needed it. I…
I live in Los Angeles now, and I don't recommend it.
I really don't. I really don't.
I know being a New Yorker who doesn't like L.A. is very cliche,
but it's my truth. Okay?
And I'm a whistleblower, if nothing else.
Um, it's just little things. I'm not an outdoorsy person and…
Um, look, I know how science works, okay?
I know that there is one sun for this Earth. [chuckles]
However, the sun in Los Angeles is different.
It's different.
It really is, honey. It's brighter. It's aggressive.
It's judgmental.
That's just it. That's a fact. It is, it is.
I have blackout curtains in my bedroom
'cause I'm a grown woman with stuff to hide, naturally. Naturally.
And yet every morning,
I am still awakened by that one strip of sun.
Okay? That one strip between the curtain and the window pane,
every morning hits my eyeball, and is like,
"Why aren't you hiking?"
That's it.
-[audience applauds] -That's it.
[audience cheers]
That's what they want you to do. They want you hiking.
And I will not be fooled. Hiking is dramatic walking.
I won't. I won't be fooled.
I know people in L.A. don't like L.A. either.
And I could tell because…
It's true, because when I moved there I was new, I was young.
I was like, "I'm here. What should I do?"
And people were like, "Wow, you're new to Los Angeles?"
"You know where you should go? San Diego."
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. yeah.
What about San Francisco, Santa Barbara, Ojai, Big Bear, Big Sur, Palm Springs?
What about here? Okay?
When you come to New York City, no one's like, "You been to Hoboken?" No.
[audience applauds and cheers]
No. No.
It's all right here. It's all right here, okay?
Even Staten Island will give you a nautical moment. You know?
But in L.A. it's like, "Welcome to L.A. Pack a bag."
Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm. You don't love it, you don't love it.
Um, but I did do one of these getaways everyone said.
I went to Palm Springs.
Okay? Which is just a desert town two hours outside of L.A.
And I didn't think I was gonna be down,
'cause it's the desert and I don't like to sweat in public,
but I loved it. I loved it, it turns out.
And the reason why I love Palm Springs is because when I…
Hmm, how do I put this?
When I wanna practice self-care, all right,
when I want to get away from it all,
I like to imagine I'm a protagonist in a Nancy Meyers movie.
Okay? That is. It's about when I'm trying to feel good.
If you've never seen a Nancy Meyers joint
like Something's Gotta Give, It's Complicated, The Holiday…
Whenever Diane Keaton is feeling frisky. Okay?
[audience cheers]
If you've never seen a Nancy Meyers joint, I will break it down for you very simply.
First, imagine I'm a white woman. All right?
I'm in my fifties. I'm in my sixties.
I'm living in the hot flash. Okay?
I'm in a moment in time. I'm in a moment in time.
My name is Margot, with a T.
And I'm wearing taupe. I'm wearing cream. I'm wearing beige.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Eggshell, ecru.
And whatever I'm wearing is loose, but also fitted. You know?
That's my vibe.
And at some point in the movie,
I will be sitting with my best friend drinking a California white wine.
And I'll say, "His new wife is how old?"
And that's every Nancy Meyers movie in a nutshell. Yes.
-[audience cheers] -Thank you. Yeah. It's true.
It's very true.
His new wife is always too young. Okay?
And that was Palm Springs. Palm Springs was Caucasian decadence.
It was "his" and "hers" kitchen sinks.
You know? That kind of a level.
It's funny traveling while Black in a place like Palm Springs,
nobody knows how you got there.
And you kind of start a whisper campaign.
Walk into the restaurant and they're like, "Is it Michelle?"
And it's like, "No."
-[scattered applause] -"No. It's not."
"But I will take a free appetizer." You know?
Yeah. We were staying in this hotel where people could bring their dogs,
which normally I wouldn't have been into, but something happened to me.
I moved to L.A., I felt that hot air on my face,
and I was like, "I want a dog and a podcast."
You know? Immediately. Immediately.
And there was this old, black Lab sitting by the pool.
And I love old dogs. Old dogs are my jam.
Okay? It's so true. Right? I don't want a dog that hears the doorbell
and starts running in a circle and yapping.
I want the dog that hears the doorbell and is like,
"You gonna get it?"
You know what I mean? Doesn't even lift up.
Doesn't rise from the bed.
And that was this black Lab. Just chilling.
Plus it's 100 degrees in Palm Springs, so me and this black Lab
are just two colored girls trying to stay in the shade.
We were besties. We made a life together.
And after ten minutes of me petting this dog,
um, two older white women approach.
Fresh out of a Nancy movie. Okay?
They come over because one of them owns the dog,
and they're like, "Who are you?" And they introduce themselves,
and their names… [pops lips]
were Susan and Jan.
[screams]
Oh, Palm Springs, take me away.
[laughs] I love it.
And we start chit-chatting,
and I'm hoping that Susan and Jan are a couple,
but they're just friends, and I'm like, "Boring, but…
all right, keep talking."
[chuckles] And we're chatting and Susan and Jan are besties.
They are on a vacay, a road trip.
And Jan… stays with me.
She has a place in my heart, you guys, because Jan lived
in Maui, Hawaii,
and was on vacation in Palm Springs.
[audience member screams]
And… Yes, honey.
And at one point, we're chit-chatting and Jan says to me, dead serious,
"Well, I know people go to Maui for a vacation,
but sometimes I need a vacation from Maui!"
What?
[audience cheers and applauds]
[laughs disbelievingly]
Y'all, that is the "Jannest" shit I ever heard.
I said, "Jan, you a bad bitch."
"Okay, Jan. I see you."
"I see you talking to me like I'm not Black in America. Go on."
"Go on, Jan."
And then later she goes, "Well, while I'm on the mainland…"
Okay. Pull it back, Jan. Now it's overboard.
You're probably from Indiana. Okay?
She was like, "While I'm on the mainland,
I was thinking of visiting my brother, but I don't know."
Jan don't give a fuck about her brother, y'all!
This is Jan's vacay.
Oh, my God! I'm trying to be a Jan in this life.
I feel like right now, I'm a Susan. I'm just along for the ride. You know?
But Jan is making the reservations, honey. Okay?
She is setting you up for success.
That is how I feel. I'm trying to figure out, how do I channel Jan?
How do I be the Jan I want to see in the world?
And so sometimes if I face a minor inconvenience, like I stub my toe,
I'll be like, "I need a vacation from Maui."
But that's not quite it. That's not quite it.
Jan was in her sixties, she had two adult sons,
and she was living her life.
Jan had a joie de vivre, honey.
Jan is taking lovers and painting with watercolors.
-[audience members cheer] -Jan is doing it. She's doing it.
Even though she's older than me, she's younger in spirit
because Jan is out here thriving
and I like to sit in the shower. And, so…
It's tough. I do recommend it. Don't look like that.
Sitting in the shower is perfect.
Sitting in the shower is great for when you want to be clean,
but you want to rest.
Do you know what I mean?
I love it. I just sit down, honey,
'cause I don't want to stew like a bath.
I don't like that stewing. So you just sit down.
You relax and then you just have this water falling on you, sort of.
And it feels like you're in a '90s R&B video.
And that's beautiful.
That's romantic. That's romantic.
Just for yourself.
But, yeah…
I'm an old soul.
That's what I was called as a child. Always, always.
I was. Adults would call me an old soul.
Basically, because I'm not here to play tag. Okay?
I'd be sitting in a corner, reading one of my books.
Probably Baby-Sitters Club 'cause those girls had jobs.
-[cheering] -Okay? They did.
I was like, "Entrepreneurial. Yes."
But I always wanted to be an adult.
I loved being around adults when I was a kid.
I would just look at them and be like, "Oh! Their eyes are so haunted."
"What have they seen? They're husks."
You know? I was obsessed.
And as an only child of a single mother,
sometimes I would be in the cut, hanging out.
Mama'd be like, "We going to Pam's house. Sit down."
See, the Black girls know. You get it. Um…
And so I'd just be sitting there.
And when you're a little kid, you can kind of sneak in.
The adults forget you're there.
That's my favorite, honey. I'd just show up with a juice box,
get in the middle of that kitchen conversation
and be like, "Gail, did the divorce go through?"
[audience applauds]
I needed it, honey.
Drinking apple juice, getting tea. That was me.
-[audience cheers] -That was me from an early age.
And Gail would tell me. Okay? She needed someone impartial.
So that's why I was there.
It was my favorite.
So, yeah. It's like I'm old in my heart.
Plus, you know why I'm also kind of old in my heart?
Because I have a lot of rage, and rage will age you. Okay?
Anger will age you, honey.
All the IBS, honey. That's rage.
IBS is rage. I have it.
It's funny, there's things I'm mad at, but I don't know what to do about 'em.
So my new thing is just getting mad at inconsequential shit
that has nothing to do with me.
Does anyone else like to misplace their rage?
-Because I do it all the time. -[cheering]
All the time.
And it doesn't help that I'm very nosy and I like to be in strangers' business.
So that really helps me get mad about shit that has nothing to do with me.
If I'm in a restaurant and the couple next to me is fighting,
I'm not leaving 'til I know how it ends.
I'm gonna say that right now. I'd say, "Hold my check."
"Girl, do you need a ride?"
"You can come live with me 'cause he ain't shit."
Like, that's what I would do.
-[audience cheers] -I would do that.
I would do that at any time.
And so I'm always finding stuff like…
A prime example of some stuff that just set me off.
I saw a grown man with a full beard
drinking chocolate milk.
And I became livid. Ugh!
I was in my head like, "What the fuck you doing drinking chocolate milk?"
"This ain't kindergarten! Life is not a game."
"The ocean is on fire. Okay?"
"There is fire in the water."
"What you doing drinking chocolate milk when the ocean is on fire?"
Okay, okay. That's what I'm mad about.
That's what I'm mad about.
There it is, there it is.
Honey, I need to let the bitch sip a Nesquik,
and I need to call my representatives. You know?
[audience applauds]
[audience cheers]
You have to focus.
What are you really mad about?
Always. You know, it didn't help that he was a Caucasian man.
Whenever I see a white man thriving, I'm always suspect. You know?
I see him, I'm like, "What are you planning?"
One time I was walking
and there was this young, fit white guy, and he was jogging
and he was waiting at the light, for it to change.
So he's jogging. Gotta keep that heart rate up.
He's not wearing a shirt. I was like, "Quit bragging." And he…
And he had his ear buds in and he just was chuckling to himself.
And I just had this vision
of just grabbing those AirPods out of his ears
being like, "What the hell you laughing at?"
Why? Why was I so rude?
I didn't do it, but I wanted to.
I realized why though. You know why, honey? You know why?
The reason why I don't trust that white-boy joy,
it's because…
It's been happening for years.
And I've had this suspect… It's not for the reasons you think. Okay?
I don't trust white men
because most white men were once white boys.
All right? And as a child of the '80s and '90s,
every movie and TV show I watched
was about a little white boy getting into trouble and having bad energy.
Okay? These little white boys
love making friends with an extraterrestrial.
Okay?
They will go ahead and find a gremlin. Okay?
Little white… They're having close encounters of the third kind.
What are the other two?
What are the other two encounters?
-We don't know. We don't know! -[audience applauds]
Little white boys, I'll tell you.
Little white boys love opening a portal to another dimension.
These bitches will open a portal and leave you to pick up the pieces.
That's a fact. Have you ever seen the movie The Gate?
This is from 1989. Very formative for me.
And it's literally about two little white boys
home alone for a holiday weekend,
and they open up a pathway to hell.
Why couldn't they just order a pizza like everybody else?
This is why I don't trust it.
It's to the point where nothing scares me more,
no image shakes me to my core
like seeing one or more white boys riding bicycles.
-[audience cheers] -Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm.
Mm-mmm.
Mm-mmm. I see a bitch on a bike, I'm going in the opposite direction.
'Cause it means there is a poltergeist afoot.
I do not wanna be caught in those crosshairs.
I'm gonna tell you right now. I'm trying to live.
I am trying to live, honey.
I'm vaxxed and relaxed.
-I'm so happy. Whoo! Right? -[cheering]
Ooh!
I am so happy to be vaxxed. Ooh, I was thirsty for that vax.
There was that little slow roll-out.
You had to wait your turn. I didn't wanna wait my turn. Okay?
I just kept refreshing the webpage like I'm trying to get BTS tickets.
I'm like, "When's it my time? When's it my time?"
And the Los Angeles County website is like, "Bitch, it's not about you."
And I refused. I refused. So I had to wait a few months
'til it was my turn to get that vax.
And as I'm waiting for this vax,
I read an article about how the San Diego Zoo
has vaccinated all of its orangutans against COVID-19.
Y'all. Y'all!
I'm out here waiting for this vax, and the orangutans got the vax!
[scoffs] So it's like literally one orangutan coughed
and the zoo was like, "Not on our watch. Not our citizens."
I was like, "Okay. Now googling, 'Can I get a habitat?'"
You know what I'm saying?
If they giving out the vax and taking care of business,
I will move to the zoo. I'mma tell you that right now.
If there's one thing 2020 taught me it's that I can thrive in an enclosure.
So why not, honey?
Give a bitch a habitat.
[audience cheers and applauds]
It's true.
And I'm telling you, I would be better than those other animals at the zoo.
Okay? You go to the zoo, them animals hiding behind a rock the whole time.
When the school group comes, I am coming out. Okay?
I'm doing a tight five for the children. Okay?
If it means I can get that vax.
I couldn't believe that article came out when I was waiting for a vax.
I took that personally.
Especially once I read that one of the orangutans at the zoo
was named Karen.
-Come on. Come on! -[audience exclaims]
I was like, "San Diego Zoo, you messy." Okay?
"You know exactly what you're doing."
Karen the orangutan had the vax.
Meanwhile, I'm going to Walgreens at closing every damn day,
like a damn Oliver Twist.
[in English accent] "Please, sir. Can I have some vaccine?"
[audience applauds]
"Can I have some vaccine before it's spoiled?"
That vax was delicate, honey.
You only have six hours. Use it or lose it.
It was like a ripe avocado.
If you don't make that guac, you're out of luck.
It's like, "Can I get some vaccine?"
I couldn't get it.
What Karen the orangutan need the vax for? Okay?
I'm out here with pre-existing conditions, honey.
Asthma, Blackness. Okay?
I'm out here. What Karen do all day?
She sit in a tree and rub her clitoris. Why you need the vax?
Why you need the vax, Karen?
I was so mad at Karen. And I was, like, googling her.
You know how when you hate somebody
and so you start to research them to find out more information
that supports your hatred. You know what I mean?
That's what I did with Karen the orangutan.
I was googling "Karen, orangutan, San Diego."
A lot of other stuff came up,
but then I got to Karen, the orangutan in question.
My mortal enemy.
And I read, honey, Karen the orangutan
was one of the first primates to have open-heart surgery in the '90s.
We're giving this bitch too many chances.
What are we doing? What are we doing?
Karen, you had a good run. If you get the co-co, you get the co-co.
Okay?
You've had 25 good years, Karen.
Why are we trying to hold on to you?
Getting that vax before I had the vax.
I am an animal lover. [laughs]
Don't get me wrong. Okay? Um…
I am. I'm a dog mother.
-So that's beautiful. Thank you. Yes. -[audience applauds]
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
She's gorg. She's gorg.
Um, she's about eight years old.
I've had her for two years. So, yes, she's a rescue. You're welcome.
Uh, yeah. It's important to say that.
I follow a lot of animal accounts on Instagram
and people will post a picture of their animal and be like,
"#WhoRescuedWho?"
It's like, "Um, I rescued her ass." [scoffs]
I saw her and I said, "Come with me if you want to live."
That's the dynamic. That's the dynamic.
"Get your nose out your ass. Let's go."
And she is so cute, y'all.
She's this little Maltese Terrier, pocket-petite angel.
She's gorgeous, she's gorgeous.
The thing I realized, I realized a week into having this dog,
I can't have a dog that's too fine. 'Cause when you got a fine-ass dog,
people wanna engage with you out in these streets. Okay?
I'm a curmudgeon and she is gorgeous, and they wanna get connected.
You know, we walking and people are like, "Is she friendly?"
And I'm like, "No, I'm not!"
And I walk away.
[audience applauds and cheers]
It's true.
Especially in the morning. I'm not a morning person.
I really thought the dog would fix that. You know?
I was like,"If I have a dog, that means every morning I am waking up early
and starting with a brisk walk." Okay?
Twenty to thirty minutes every morning.
And obviously that'll start a whole lot of changes.
'Cause after that, I'll come home, have a sensible breakfast.
Something like half a cantaloupe with a scoop of cottage cheese.
You know? I was like, I can do that. And then once I've done that,
yes, finally, learn to play sudoku.
Then I'm doing that.
At which point, the screenplays will write themselves.
And then after that, I'm already operating on a high level,
I start to handle the world's problems. I'm my best self, I'm operating up here.
Now I pick up my phone and I'm like,
"Israel, girl, I got Palestine on the other line."
-[audience cheers] -"And we gonna fix this."
"I have a plan."
"I have been up since 8:00 a.m."
[sighs] Y'all, I had big dreams…
[chuckles awkwardly]
But that ain't what happened.
Every morning, I wake up, roll over and look at this dog,
and I'm like, "You can pee in the bed if you want to."
"You might as well. I can take an extra ten minutes."
"Why not? Why not?"
I'm not a morning person and I think real dog people,
people who've had a dog a long time, they're up, honey.
They're up with the sun, they're step-touching in the morning.
They're out. They expect eye contact. Okay?
They wanna engage with you in these streets.
When I'm walking my dog in the morning, I am bra-less. Okay?
I'm bra-less.
If there's one thing you need to know about me,
it is don't talk to me when I'm swinging. That's that.
-That's it. That's it! -[audience applauds]
Don't talk to me when I'm swinging!
[cheering]
If I ever ran for office, that would be my platform.
"2024. Naomi Ekperigin. 'Don't talk to me when I'm swinging.'"
That would be it. It's true.
But I love my dog. She's so perfect.
It's so good 'cause she gives me and Jew-boo, that's my Jewish boo,
something to talk about after all these years.
[chuckles] We've been together almost 12 years.
-[cheering] -Yeah. Right? Huge.
Almost 12 years.
And if you count 2020, we've been together 38 years.
And so it's been a long time. It's been a long time.
We love each other deeply still. That's magical.
Um, is anybody else here… Is anyone here an interracial couple?
-An IRC? Anyone? -[scattered cheers]
Yes, yes, yes! This is the future liberals want.
We love it.
Now, I don't know about y'all,
but when me and Jew-boo are out in these streets,
no one ever thinks we're together.
Okay? They do not fathom the connection between us two.
Jew-boo thinks it's because he's a bit shorter than me,
and I'm like… [sighs] "You're optimistic." Um…
But yes, for the record, I do stay in a travel-size king. Okay?
You need to get you a boo that is TSA compliant.
Listen to me. Pack him in your bag and go. Okay?
But that's not it, 'cause we will be out,
we will walk up to the host stand at a restaurant,
and the hostess will be like, "Are you two together?"
"Are you together?"
And it's like, "We're holding hands and there's no one behind us."
"Yes, we're together!"
She's like, "Huh?"
I'm like, "No. I'm his home health aid getting him settled."
"We wanted to have an early-bird special."
All the time. All the time.
And also when we go to the grocery store. Trader Joe's, my favorite place.
Normally a safe space.
But we're in Trader Joe's. We walk up to the register. Okay?
What's the situation? Two lovers, one cart.
And we go up and the cashier looks at Jew-boo.
They always look at Jew-boo first.
They look and check-in with him, like, "Sir, are you under duress?"
"Blink twice if she's hurting you."
They're very checked-in to him like,
"Sir, are you two together? Is this your cart?"
And I was in a mood that day.
So I said, "Yes, we together!"
"Last time we kissed I accidentally burped in his mouth."
"Yes. We are together!"
[audience applauds and cheers]
I didn't burp in his mouth on purpose.
It just happened. After 11 years, like, you kissing, you feel the burp,
you just don't pull away. That's it. It's just what happens.
You just decide it. You know?
The most recent one, the most egregious, was in L.A.
We have a homeless neighbor on our street because America's a capitalist hellscape
that doesn't take care of its most vulnerable citizens. And, uh…
[audience cheers]
And he's always on our block. It's been years. He's our guy.
We say, "Hi. What's up? You want a dollar? You want some food?" This is the dude.
And there was one day, Jew-boo was walking alone
and he ran into him.
And this guy goes,
"What happened to your roommate?"
"Where's your roommate?"
"You're always together. Where's your roommate?"
Now this man has seen us embrace in the rain
on the street corner like we're in the end of a Brontë novel.
He know we together. Okay?
He know we together. He was being messy.
So that's what Jew-boo told him.
"We are together. That's my partner. We live together."
Then the guy, he goes, "Oh!"
"I had a Black girlfriend once,
but it didn't last 'cause she kept trying to make me do new stuff."
I said, "Sir, this is why you're unhoused. Okay?"
"You should've listened to your Black girlfriend,
'cause, yes, we will make you do new stuff."
"New stuff like therapy. Okay?"
[audience cheers and applauds]
"New stuff like learning to wash your sheets. Okay?"
"New stuff like clipping them toenails. Okay?"
That's what Black girlfriends do.
I wanna make it clear I'm not mad at him for being unhoused,
I'm mad at him for being a bitch.
Jeremy was being very rude.
His name is Jeremy.
I should've said that up top. Jeremy. Rude.
[sighs] God, he was like, "Are you together? Your roommate?"
Ugh, Jer…
Um, but it's crazy 'cause people don't think we're together.
So that's one side.
And the other side swings totally opposite,
and they're obsessed with us having kids.
Whoo, they want us to have kids 'cause I'm Black and he's white.
Ooh, everyone's so excited.
They're like, "When will you have babies? Your babies are gonna be gorgeous."
"You've gotta have babies! They'll be gorgeous."
"Oh my God! When are you having babies? They'll be gorgeous!"
[exhales] And it's like, "Y'all, why is everybody so horny for this baby
just 'cause it's gonna be beige? I don't understand."
Why? Why?
They all look like baked potatoes when they come out.
Plus, I'm like… I don't have an impulse to have a baby.
Like to… To make one.
Like maybe I'd adopt a teenager, you know, a kid I could put to work.
But I don't feel like… I don't know.
I've never had this sense of like,
"We must preserve the DNA in the bloodline." You know?
Y'all, I have clinical depression,
I am half blind, and I've had braces twice.
So I think it's safe to say the bloodline ends here.
Don't you think?
It's all recessive from here on out.
And you're welcome. [laughs]
I don't want to.
Plus, it's like, I'm old inside. I can't raise a child.
I don't have that kind of energy.
[sighs] Okay, everybody. Let me see, let me see.
I was gonna ask how many of you are over 30.
-[cheering] -Wow, wow, wow.
A lot of friends, a lot of friends.
Gorgeous, gorgeous.
Everyone under 30, don't say a word
because I can see the light in your eyes reflected back at me.
You don't need to. Okay, my over-thirties, since I know there's a lot of you.
-[cheering] -Wow.
You're far too excited for someone over 30.
But I will say this, though.
My over-thirties, have you ever had a moment where you heard somebody talk
and you were like, "You're 22."
-[audience applauds] -"Yeah. Yeah, you're little."
That happened to me in L.A.
I was walking and I overheard these two young white women. All right?
I overheard them talking. I didn't hear much.
Two lines between them. A couplet, if you will.
Um, and yet it was so rich,
it told me everything I needed to know.
And it was legit. Just one girl, real casual.
She's not stressed. She just goes, "Ugh, I feel fat."
And her friend goes, "Shut up! You're gorgeous!"
Okay, baby girl. [laughs] Like…
Calm down. That, to me, is early-twenties shit.
Okay? That's what you do when you just started paying rent
and are excited about it.
You know?
Like, "I bought this tapestry."
You know? That's the energy.
I'm in my thirties. Me and my friends don't talk like that anymore.
If someone goes, "I feel fat."
The rest of us are like, "Bitch, me too."
I can't lift you up.
I'm out in these streets struggling.
What I can do for you in my thirties
is make you a sandwich. Okay? I can make you a hot meal,
but I cannot bring you back from the brink. No, I cannot.
But when you in your early twenties, that love is aggressive.
You be coming in hot. You be like, "Shut up, girl. You're a queen!"
And it's like, "No, baby. You an administrative assistant."
[audience cheers and applauds]
You…
You're not a queen until you can look somebody in the eye and say,
"I need a vacation from Maui."
[audience cheers]
Thank you.
[hip-hop music playing]
[cheering wildly]
♪ Get your pen, you can go spell it out ♪
♪ While I sip champagne Kiss my bae and I fix my mane ♪
♪ Then I go sweat it out ♪
♪ That's my name, don't wear it out ♪
♪ Get your pen, you can go spell it out ♪
♪ While I sip champagne Kiss my bae and I fix my mane ♪
♪ And I go sweat it out ♪
♪ They wanna ask us What's in a name? ♪
♪ It's too ethnic It risks all your fame ♪
♪ They don't like Putting chips in the game ♪
♪ But I won't crack Look at Ms. Sidibe ♪
♪ It ain't a RPG Where you make my name up ♪
♪ If it's hard to say Then you should train your brain, bruh ♪
♪ Don't be a weirdo If you have a doubt ♪
♪ Don't be a hero, sound it out ♪
♪ Unless you are an idiot Never, ever deviate ♪
♪ Read what you see On the screen with my EPK ♪
♪ Never cheat or abbreviate Seek to alleviate stress, just ask ♪
♪ But then if I repeated it And you can't repeat it back ♪
♪ No offense but no mas ♪
♪ But I ain't Mr. Feeny teaching Reading comprehension, kid ♪
♪ I want cash plus tax ♪
♪ That's my name, don't wear it out ♪
♪ Get your pen… ♪