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‪NETFLIX 喜劇特輯

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{\an8}‪請大家歡迎布萊恩辛普森

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‪嗯

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‪大家都知道幾百年來

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‪黑人一直在求償

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‪我每次提到的時候對方都會說

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‪“這並非現實的做法”

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‪“你們佔人口的13%”

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‪“美國負擔不起派錢給所有人”

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‪然後肺炎來襲

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‪我心想：“你們這些王八蛋
‪有上萬億的…”

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‪“我們的錢又在哪裡？”

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‪給黑人錢啊

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‪對

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‪這不是一個段子，這是一個解決方案

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‪加上免費醫保的話

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‪我或者會讓你們講“尼哥”

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‪一切好商量

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‪一切好商量

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‪還有他們不喜歡黑人示威抗議

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‪一群黑人到處走會惹人生氣

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‪美國對待黑人的方式
‪就如收銀員對上零錢

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‪法律上，他們必須接納

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‪但如果數量是四、五以上

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‪大家會覺得說：“這是在搞三小？”

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‪讓我很難受

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‪還有警察槍殺案

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‪每次有警察槍殺一名毫無防備的黑人

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‪他們總是說：“我怕自己有生命危險”

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‪“尼哥速度很快嘛”

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‪只有當警察才能這麼做

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‪因為高等法院裁定了
‪警察在受到生命威脅時

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‪能夠使用致命武力

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‪警察一怕，就可以開槍

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‪我們對此也無能為力，但沒關係

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‪你怕的話就隨便殺

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‪但我認為成為警察之前

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‪我們應該要先查出你會怕甚麼

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‪很合理吧

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‪說真的

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‪我認為警察學院的最後一場考試

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‪應該要是一間鬼屋，對吧？

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‪但裡面不是有骷髏骨和女巫

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‪而是安排黑人在裡面做日常活動

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‪你要由前院走到後院的露天燒烤

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‪途中不能殺死任何人

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‪你的警徽就在烤架上

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‪聽起來蠻合理的

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‪他們總是說：“樹大必有枯枝”

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‪我要怎麼知道誰是“枯枝”？

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‪我不知道，所以我只能避開他們

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‪如果我遇到緊急狀況
‪要打去911的話

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‪我會叫他們派消防員來就好

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‪因為我不需要你用到槍

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‪我只需要你有勇氣

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‪消防員跟警察一樣英勇

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‪他們會跑進火場

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‪手上只拿著一把斧頭

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‪但我從沒聽過記者說
‪有消防員因為被嚇到

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‪所以把黑人的頭砍掉

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‪可是…

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‪“抱歉，我以為你是火，我…”

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‪“他像火花一樣在閃爍嘛
‪大家都看到吧”

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‪我從小開始

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‪大家都以為我最怕種族歧視的警察

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‪但其實我更怕種族歧視的救生員

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‪沒有人會想到他們

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‪因為種族歧視的警察
‪至少會惹上麻煩

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‪對吧？要做虛假文書，對人撒謊

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‪種族歧視的救生員
‪只需要假裝看不見你

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‪你就死定了

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‪所以你們要撫心自問

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‪是那個黑人不會游泳嗎？

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‪還是我們已經中了

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‪白人至上的三K黨

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‪長達數十年的陰謀？

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‪我有很多噴警察的段子

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‪有些人會認為我是仇警人士

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‪但其實不是

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‪首先，大家都仇警吧

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‪就連警察都仇警

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‪對吧？我的單口喜劇不談政治

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‪我不會對你評頭論足

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‪不論你是保守派

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‪還是正常人

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‪最重要是誠實待人

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‪老實說，不管你支持甚麼政黨

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‪你從車道開出去，然後聽到警車聲

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‪你不會說：“謝天謝地，是人民英雄”

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‪不會，沒有人會這樣說

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‪大家都會說

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‪“去你的，操！”

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‪大家仇警是有原因的

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‪因為大家跟警察的
‪每一個互動也是負面的

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‪每次你看到警察

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‪你就知道要丟錢了

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‪你至少會暗地裡說一句“去你的

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‪所以我認為警察
‪應該隨身攜帶小禮物

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‪偶爾截停一些人

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‪獎勵他們的良好表現

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‪對，這樣你看到警笛的時候
‪還有一絲希望嘛

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‪你會想：“我一直都循規蹈矩”

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‪“或者是要給我獎勵”

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‪“知道我為何把你截停嗎？”

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‪“因為我剛才的左轉技術高超嗎？”

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‪“有獎勵給我對不對？”

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‪然後他說
‪“我跟你走了十個公路出口”

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‪“有三次合併行車非常妙”

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‪“好好在紐約享受星巴克吧”

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‪“太棒了！”

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‪我要告訴大家

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‪我是美國海軍陸戰隊的退伍軍人

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‪對

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‪不必鼓掌

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‪我不是英雄，我只是去參軍

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‪懂嗎？

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‪我為賺錢念大學去參軍

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‪當時2001年3月

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‪我可不知道9月就被襲了

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‪賓拉登把我的人生計劃都搞砸了

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‪我會提起這件事
‪因為我是軍隊排中唯一的黑人

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‪這個情況大概維持了兩年

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‪我是許多白人的第一位黑人朋友

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‪對，所以我也算是一個英雄吧

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‪換個角度想的話

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‪我訓練過不少白人如果與黑人相處

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‪當年是我第一次與白人相處

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‪我沉浸在其中，可以說是白人專家了

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‪我知道你們的想法、技倆和精神

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‪對

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‪白人有兩件事情是無可否認的

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‪不管你怎麼說都一樣

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‪一，只要用一個毽球
‪就可以讓一群白人男性分心

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‪我無法解釋這個現象

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‪但女士們，這比防狼哨子更有用

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‪在包包裡放一個吧

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‪如果有一群兄弟會的人跟在妳身後

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‪妳把毽球往後丟就對了

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‪最前的那個傢伙百分百會接

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‪他們抗拒不了

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‪像貓穗草一樣

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‪對，第二個無可否認的事實

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‪就是所有白人暗地裡也想說“尼哥”

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‪對，這是經同行評審的研究
‪我才不管你們怎麼想

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‪對吧？因為這是在美國
‪唯一不能隨便說的話

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‪講之前要三思，也要確保四下無人

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‪懂嗎？

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‪你看到角落有一群黑人

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‪他們互叫“尼…”，像在雜耍拋刀一樣

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‪你會覺得說：“噢，很危險呢”

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‪“我也想一起玩”

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‪讓你覺得自己還不夠自由

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‪沒關係，大家開誠佈公吧

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‪大家都試過

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‪你和第一位黑人朋友相處得很好

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‪對吧？你在靜候時機

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‪嘗試偷偷講“尼哥”這個詞

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‪老實說

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‪你收到的回應不如預期吧，是不是？

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‪然後你會怎麼樣？裝瘋賣傻嘛

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‪“對不起，只是一個詞
‪你們也在講…”

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‪“歌詞裡也有”

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‪“如果是叫‘劣哥’
‪而不是‘尼哥’呢？

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‪講一堆廢話，是不是？

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‪實情是這樣，我不介意的

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‪邏輯上來說，這也不是很合邏輯

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‪但講甚麼邏輯
‪你不要講就對了，尼哥

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‪因為你明白有些東西

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00:10:15,949 --> 00:10:19,036
‪你就是不能對某些人說

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‪你只會對“尼哥”這個詞感到困惑

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‪例如說，你不會叫你媽媽的名字

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‪除非你是怪胎吧

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‪對吧？從小到大
‪只有怪胎才會這麼做

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‪對吧？先生，你媽媽叫甚麼名字？

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‪-艾琳
‪-艾琳

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‪你會當面叫她艾琳嗎？

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‪不會嘛

178
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‪但這不合邏輯啊
‪那是她的名字，對不對？

179
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‪-其他人也會叫她艾琳嗎？
‪-對

180
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‪這個名字也肯定有被寫進歌詞

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‪對吧？

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‪我不想讓你覺得我故意找你麻煩

183
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‪先生，你媽媽叫甚麼名字？

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‪-克莉絲汀尼
‪-克莉絲汀尼，你會這樣叫她嗎？

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‪-當然不會
‪-當然不會

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‪是吧？

187
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‪那就不合邏輯了，那是她的名字

188
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‪-不，先生
‪-是“尼”，不是“劣”吧

189
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‪但你還是不會這樣叫她

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‪對吧？

191
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‪那是…

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‪好，最後一個
‪先生，你媽媽叫甚麼名字？

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‪-卡蘿
‪-卡蘿

194
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‪你會叫她尼哥嗎？

195
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‪不會

196
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‪看不叫對方“尼哥”是多麼容易？

197
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‪謝謝

198
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‪諷刺的地方來了

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‪第一個叫我尼哥的人，是我外婆

200
00:11:51,295 --> 00:11:53,547
‪對，我永遠不會忘記，我當年七歲

201
00:11:53,630 --> 00:11:58,260
‪她從奴隸農園大宅
‪叫過來房子的另一邊

202
00:12:00,095 --> 00:12:03,891
‪大家要明白
‪在1980年代，身為一個孩子

203
00:12:03,974 --> 00:12:07,311
‪第一點，父母從房子的另一邊叫你

204
00:12:07,394 --> 00:12:10,230
‪你必須過去，不能吼回去

205
00:12:11,106 --> 00:12:12,483
‪可能是叫：“布萊恩！”

206
00:12:12,566 --> 00:12:15,652
‪你不能說：“怎麼了？”
‪這樣子回答就死定了，懂嗎？

207
00:12:16,862 --> 00:12:18,447
‪第二點

208
00:12:19,114 --> 00:12:23,035
‪當時的電子遊戲機
‪沒辦法儲存，尼哥，所以…

209
00:12:23,118 --> 00:12:24,953
‪外婆才不管你

210
00:12:26,622 --> 00:12:30,292
‪不管你的瑪利歐玩了多久
‪玩到第幾關，難度有多高

211
00:12:30,375 --> 00:12:32,419
‪“總之就給我過來”，懂嗎？

212
00:12:33,629 --> 00:12:36,298
‪她從房子的另一邊叫我
‪我把遊戲手把放下

213
00:12:37,925 --> 00:12:41,220
‪她就只想我過去幫忙打開

214
00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:44,223
‪她身旁的那一個窗戶

215
00:12:45,265 --> 00:12:47,434
‪這是真正的權力遊戲啊

216
00:12:50,646 --> 00:12:52,606
‪懂嗎？我雖然沒有說出來

217
00:12:52,689 --> 00:12:55,442
‪但她聽到“懶婊子”

218
00:13:00,906 --> 00:13:04,910
‪她的理智線就斷掉了

219
00:13:04,993 --> 00:13:07,663
‪突然之間，關節炎不再

220
00:13:13,126 --> 00:13:15,045
‪她從椅子站起來

221
00:13:15,879 --> 00:13:19,174
‪像動畫反派一樣，身型馬上翻倍

222
00:13:20,384 --> 00:13:23,470
‪我永遠不會忘記那一刻
‪已經揮之不去了

223
00:13:23,971 --> 00:13:25,639
‪她說：“尼哥

224
00:13:27,307 --> 00:13:31,019
‪他媽的城市馬上要冒煙了”

225
00:13:34,481 --> 00:13:35,315
‪對

226
00:13:35,399 --> 00:13:38,861
‪大家要知道，所有年長的黑人女性

227
00:13:38,944 --> 00:13:40,612
‪也有一張清單

228
00:13:41,572 --> 00:13:42,781
‪寫滿對別人的威脅

229
00:13:44,283 --> 00:13:46,285
‪而且那些都是謎語

230
00:13:51,915 --> 00:13:55,752
‪目的有兩個，第一，讓對方困惑

231
00:13:57,713 --> 00:14:00,424
‪第二，讓她聽上去瘋瘋癲癲

232
00:14:00,507 --> 00:14:02,759
‪叫兒童保護服務也沒用

233
00:14:06,972 --> 00:14:09,099
‪但我才七歲，我不懂謎語

234
00:14:09,975 --> 00:14:13,353
‪我只好一臉困惑，我困惑嘛

235
00:14:14,354 --> 00:14:18,150
‪但我不知道，七歲一臉困惑的我

236
00:14:18,233 --> 00:14:22,279
‪那個表情猶如在說
‪“臭婊子，妳是想幹三小？”

237
00:14:25,449 --> 00:14:29,369
‪她就是這麼理解，認為我在挑戰強權

238
00:14:32,247 --> 00:14:35,834
‪她抓住我的手臂
‪用膝蓋狠狠地踢過來

239
00:14:36,501 --> 00:14:38,253
‪做了一個完美的轉身摔

240
00:14:39,421 --> 00:14:43,091
‪把我拋到另一堵牆，頭落地

241
00:14:43,592 --> 00:14:45,093
‪這個時候

242
00:14:45,177 --> 00:14:48,347
‪她在看顧的其他小孩都走過來看戲

243
00:14:48,430 --> 00:14:50,641
‪外甥、外甥女、鄰居的孩子和孫子

244
00:14:50,724 --> 00:14:53,477
‪我們以前很喜歡看別人被打

245
00:14:54,561 --> 00:14:56,355
‪她想殺雞儆猴，她說

246
00:14:56,438 --> 00:14:58,774
‪“小尼哥，你學到了甚麼？”

247
00:15:00,609 --> 00:15:02,819
‪我知道她想怎麼樣，她想我說

248
00:15:02,903 --> 00:15:05,572
‪“不要駁斥，不要叫妳…”

249
00:15:07,032 --> 00:15:08,825
‪對吧？她想我這樣說

250
00:15:08,909 --> 00:15:11,453
‪平常的我，確實會滿足她

251
00:15:13,413 --> 00:15:18,210
‪但當天我的內心跟我說
‪“今天，我們要反抗”

252
00:15:21,880 --> 00:15:24,216
‪她說：“小尼哥，你學到了甚麼？”

253
00:15:24,299 --> 00:15:28,261
‪我說：“妳有力氣把我拋到廚房

254
00:15:28,345 --> 00:15:30,555
‪自己去開窗也行吧

255
00:15:40,190 --> 00:15:41,149
‪辛迪婭”

256
00:15:48,782 --> 00:15:51,118
‪然後我就住院兩天了

257
00:15:54,246 --> 00:15:56,748
‪第三天，我就被送到寄養家庭了

258
00:15:59,918 --> 00:16:03,171
‪寄養家庭最誇張的事情
‪是他們會立馬帶你去見心理醫生

259
00:16:03,255 --> 00:16:04,881
‪七歲孩子去見心理醫生

260
00:16:04,965 --> 00:16:07,968
‪政府負擔不起價格高昂的心理醫生

261
00:16:08,051 --> 00:16:11,013
‪只能找剛大學畢業的白人女生

262
00:16:13,015 --> 00:16:15,976
‪她們只會在小冊子上才見過黑人

263
00:16:16,059 --> 00:16:17,310
‪她們不…

264
00:16:19,229 --> 00:16:21,565
‪她們還試圖了解我們

265
00:16:21,648 --> 00:16:24,568
‪我會直接開噴
‪“去妳的，臭婊子，去妳的”

266
00:16:25,193 --> 00:16:27,070
‪因為她們的開場白都一樣

267
00:16:27,154 --> 00:16:30,699
‪“小朋友，報告寫說你受到創傷了

268
00:16:32,075 --> 00:16:36,496
‪嗯，你沒辦法相信大人嘛
‪但你可以相信我喔

269
00:16:36,580 --> 00:16:37,873
‪我是可信醫生

270
00:16:39,082 --> 00:16:42,044
‪不管你跟我說甚麼
‪我也不會告訴其他人

271
00:16:42,127 --> 00:16:47,007
‪事實上，我把事情說出去的話
‪是違法的行為喔

272
00:16:47,507 --> 00:16:52,012
‪除非你是跟我說
‪要自殘之類的事情吧

273
00:16:52,095 --> 00:16:53,805
‪這些事情我就必須上報”

274
00:16:54,306 --> 00:16:57,142
‪我說：“我們沒甚麼好說了，臭婊子

275
00:16:57,225 --> 00:16:59,186
‪因為我就一直想…

276
00:16:59,770 --> 00:17:00,812
‪報仇”

277
00:17:02,439 --> 00:17:04,524
‪對吧？我要搞死那個老太婆

278
00:17:06,485 --> 00:17:09,571
‪我花了一段時間，但我還是想通了

279
00:17:09,654 --> 00:17:11,198
‪要過美好的人生

280
00:17:11,281 --> 00:17:14,242
‪你要有一個心理醫生和一個神父

281
00:17:15,410 --> 00:17:18,080
‪即使不是天主教也可以向神父告解

282
00:17:18,163 --> 00:17:21,041
‪走進天主教的教堂就可以了
‪他們很歡迎的

283
00:17:21,583 --> 00:17:23,001
‪你跟神父講甚麼都可以

284
00:17:23,085 --> 00:17:25,545
‪你向神父說你殺了人

285
00:17:25,629 --> 00:17:28,131
‪他們也只會說：“神會原諒你的

286
00:17:28,715 --> 00:17:31,051
‪記得奉獻”

287
00:17:33,678 --> 00:17:36,098
‪但神父不會寫處方藥

288
00:17:36,598 --> 00:17:38,642
‪如果你想各方面妥當

289
00:17:40,143 --> 00:17:41,103
‪就兩個都必須有

290
00:17:41,186 --> 00:17:46,024
‪心理醫生和神父
‪你可以告訴神父想殺死誰

291
00:17:46,942 --> 00:17:49,820
‪再告訴心理醫生，誰把你污辱了

292
00:17:56,076 --> 00:17:58,745
‪就是那個神父，大家都有聽懂嗎？

293
00:18:00,205 --> 00:18:02,082
‪世上沒有免費的救贖

294
00:18:02,165 --> 00:18:03,542
‪只好賣屁股吧

295
00:18:08,547 --> 00:18:09,381
‪對

296
00:18:10,006 --> 00:18:11,341
‪所以我都吸毒

297
00:18:13,718 --> 00:18:15,804
‪天啊，我都搞不懂那些反對吸毒的人

298
00:18:15,887 --> 00:18:19,599
‪毒品臭名昭著，說會把人生搞砸

299
00:18:21,768 --> 00:18:23,103
‪現實也會啊

300
00:18:25,814 --> 00:18:27,440
‪為何有些人一蹶不振

301
00:18:27,524 --> 00:18:30,193
‪就要把毒品列為違禁品？

302
00:18:31,153 --> 00:18:32,279
‪太扯了

303
00:18:38,368 --> 00:18:40,120
‪應該要像駕照一樣算分數

304
00:18:40,203 --> 00:18:43,206
‪你再吸毒後生事，就不能再吸毒

305
00:18:43,999 --> 00:18:47,919
‪你要每年去車輛管理局獲許吸毒

306
00:18:49,004 --> 00:18:51,923
‪像這樣：“你吃迷幻蘑菇沒有問題

307
00:18:52,007 --> 00:18:53,884
‪但你之前的音樂節吸毒後生事

308
00:18:53,967 --> 00:18:56,720
‪你今年剩下的日子
‪都不能吃搖頭丸”

309
00:18:57,387 --> 00:18:59,097
‪這樣才合理吧

310
00:19:00,599 --> 00:19:01,766
‪那些反毒品的人

311
00:19:01,850 --> 00:19:05,145
‪總不承認，有些人吸毒後狀態大勇

312
00:19:06,605 --> 00:19:08,773
‪對吧？有些人吸毒後更加棒

313
00:19:08,857 --> 00:19:11,026
‪有沒有人身邊的朋友戒毒

314
00:19:11,109 --> 00:19:13,236
‪然後你發現他們都遜到爆？

315
00:19:18,158 --> 00:19:21,995
‪問題是我們總是把毒品
‪歸類為好與壞

316
00:19:22,078 --> 00:19:23,121
‪但其實不能這樣

317
00:19:23,622 --> 00:19:26,666
‪毒品只有適不適合

318
00:19:27,709 --> 00:19:29,628
‪沒有好與壞

319
00:19:29,711 --> 00:19:32,672
‪那只是你們用來對人評頭論足的方法

320
00:19:32,756 --> 00:19:34,049
‪我舉個例子

321
00:19:34,132 --> 00:19:37,010
‪大家都同意冰毒
‪是最髒、最不該碰的毒品吧？

322
00:19:37,093 --> 00:19:39,721
‪甲基安非他命會摧毀一個人吧

323
00:19:39,804 --> 00:19:40,764
‪但我告訴大家

324
00:19:41,264 --> 00:19:45,310
‪洛杉磯有一間24小時營業的麥當勞
‪我超喜歡吃

325
00:19:50,523 --> 00:19:54,236
‪那裡的晚間經理
‪工作時間是晚上11點到早上7點

326
00:19:55,612 --> 00:19:57,864
‪他總是在吸冰毒

327
00:19:59,574 --> 00:20:02,160
‪我每次看到他，他都超級嗨

328
00:20:04,162 --> 00:20:05,747
‪但每次有他值班

329
00:20:05,830 --> 00:20:09,209
‪那裡賣的漢堡
‪都長得跟圖片裡一模一樣

330
00:20:11,544 --> 00:20:12,504
‪那是藝術啊

331
00:20:13,588 --> 00:20:14,506
‪冰毒的藝術

332
00:20:18,468 --> 00:20:20,178
‪我個人最喜歡的毒品是大麻

333
00:20:20,762 --> 00:20:23,848
‪那沒有甚麼好歡呼的，就個人喜好

334
00:20:25,767 --> 00:20:29,187
‪我以前受過慘痛的教訓
‪長期吸大麻不好

335
00:20:29,271 --> 00:20:31,398
‪每天都嗨著過活，可不行的

336
00:20:31,481 --> 00:20:35,944
‪你在一個不能困惑的情況下
‪絕對不能嗨著

337
00:20:38,154 --> 00:20:42,200
‪懂嗎？因為大麻會把你搞死
‪有一種狀況叫“太嗨”

338
00:20:42,993 --> 00:20:44,619
‪知道嗎？你太嗨的話

339
00:20:44,703 --> 00:20:46,830
‪有些人會說是“偏執”

340
00:20:47,497 --> 00:20:48,999
‪但實情是

341
00:20:49,082 --> 00:20:53,461
‪你會在本該停止思考時，繼續思考

342
00:20:55,005 --> 00:20:55,880
‪懂嗎？

343
00:20:55,964 --> 00:20:58,550
‪你正常的思考迴路是

344
00:20:58,633 --> 00:21:02,387
‪沉思、結論、結束

345
00:21:03,596 --> 00:21:04,556
‪太嗨的時候

346
00:21:04,639 --> 00:21:07,142
‪沉思、結論

347
00:21:07,225 --> 00:21:10,770
‪沉思結論，再沉思結論

348
00:21:10,854 --> 00:21:12,063
‪回個神來

349
00:21:12,147 --> 00:21:15,025
‪你就離原點超級遠了

350
00:21:15,984 --> 00:21:18,737
‪我上次太嗨的時候
‪我跟朋友說：“喂…

351
00:21:19,529 --> 00:21:24,200
‪他們有沒有想過要
‪給那些戀童癖專屬的孩子照？”

352
00:21:30,290 --> 00:21:31,958
‪“這樣就不會有人受害了”

353
00:21:36,713 --> 00:21:39,424
‪他說：“天啊，這點子太棒了，可是…

354
00:21:41,718 --> 00:21:43,553
‪我們在談經濟”

355
00:21:43,636 --> 00:21:46,097
‪我說：“對，抱歉，我太嗨了”

356
00:21:49,351 --> 00:21:50,185
‪嗯

357
00:21:50,727 --> 00:21:53,063
‪所以我就學到不要太嗨

358
00:21:53,146 --> 00:21:56,316
‪我之前有一次太嗨
‪在瀏覽網路醫生網站

359
00:21:56,941 --> 00:21:57,776
‪對吧？

360
00:21:58,276 --> 00:21:59,778
‪對，有人不知道的話

361
00:21:59,861 --> 00:22:03,156
‪網路醫生網站是給多疑的人去的

362
00:22:03,907 --> 00:22:08,578
‪就一個網路醫生幫你診斷自己

363
00:22:08,661 --> 00:22:12,165
‪不去尋求專業醫生的意見
‪簡直是一個糟透的主意

364
00:22:12,749 --> 00:22:14,250
‪它要怎麼用呢？

365
00:22:14,334 --> 00:22:18,797
‪網站上有一張人體圖
‪你哪裡痛就按哪裡

366
00:22:19,297 --> 00:22:21,466
‪網站會放大，螢幕的左半邊

367
00:22:21,549 --> 00:22:25,136
‪就會列出你可能有的症狀

368
00:22:25,220 --> 00:22:26,638
‪你按其中一個症狀的話

369
00:22:26,721 --> 00:22:31,726
‪網站會列出五千種
‪你有可能患上的疾病

370
00:22:32,227 --> 00:22:36,147
‪再按一個症狀
‪五千種疾病就變為兩千種

371
00:22:36,231 --> 00:22:38,525
‪再選一個症狀，就縮減到一千種

372
00:22:38,608 --> 00:22:42,028
‪最扯的地方來了
‪你永遠也不會縮減至一種疾病

373
00:22:43,488 --> 00:22:46,533
‪即使你按下選單中每一個症狀
‪也不可能縮減至一種疾病

374
00:22:46,616 --> 00:22:49,160
‪最後至少會有三種疾病

375
00:22:49,244 --> 00:22:50,662
‪當中一、兩個是為人熟知

376
00:22:50,745 --> 00:22:53,206
‪但至少會有一個會把你嚇到半死

377
00:22:53,790 --> 00:22:56,126
‪你上網路醫生網站說自己喉嚨痛

378
00:22:56,209 --> 00:22:59,421
‪網路醫生網站會說：“那是新冠肺炎”

379
00:22:59,504 --> 00:23:01,965
‪你會說：“不可能
‪我兩劑疫苗打完了”

380
00:23:02,048 --> 00:23:03,883
‪然後就會說：“那就是季節性流感”

381
00:23:03,967 --> 00:23:06,761
‪你說：“不可能，自新冠肺炎後
‪我連流感疫苗都打了”

382
00:23:06,845 --> 00:23:10,098
‪然後網站就會說
‪“好吧，那是艾滋病，你死定了”

383
00:23:14,436 --> 00:23:15,603
‪嚇死人了

384
00:23:18,273 --> 00:23:20,942
‪現在大家都知道
‪大麻和網路醫生網站是甚麼了

385
00:23:21,025 --> 00:23:22,235
‪以下是我的故事

386
00:23:22,318 --> 00:23:25,613
‪我當時太嗨，上這個網站，喉嚨痛嘛

387
00:23:26,614 --> 00:23:30,034
‪我按進“脖子”，找症狀

388
00:23:30,535 --> 00:23:34,914
‪其中一個症狀是“短肥脖”

389
00:23:38,001 --> 00:23:38,835
‪對

390
00:23:39,335 --> 00:23:42,046
‪大家可以也留意到
‪我這就是“短肥脖”

391
00:23:43,006 --> 00:23:45,633
‪我的頭總是比平常人大

392
00:23:46,134 --> 00:23:48,636
‪因為我外婆把我拋到牆壁上嘛

393
00:23:50,013 --> 00:23:53,516
‪為了穩固頭部，我的脖子就越長越粗

394
00:23:53,600 --> 00:23:55,643
‪所以我很好奇

395
00:23:55,727 --> 00:23:57,770
‪這個症狀…

396
00:23:58,271 --> 00:23:59,731
‪到底會有甚麼疾病？

397
00:24:00,356 --> 00:24:01,608
‪於是我就按進去

398
00:24:02,567 --> 00:24:05,111
‪這次是我第一次使用網路醫生網站

399
00:24:05,195 --> 00:24:06,779
‪我就按了一個症狀

400
00:24:07,739 --> 00:24:09,657
‪我有一種疾病

401
00:24:11,367 --> 00:24:12,911
‪是唐氏綜合症

402
00:24:16,915 --> 00:24:17,749
‪對

403
00:24:19,459 --> 00:24:22,086
‪如我所說，在正常情況下

404
00:24:22,921 --> 00:24:26,090
‪我會很確定自己沒有唐氏綜合症

405
00:24:27,842 --> 00:24:28,968
‪我當時很嗨

406
00:24:33,223 --> 00:24:36,518
‪我第一個想法就是
‪“布萊恩，那太荒謬了”

407
00:24:37,519 --> 00:24:41,105
‪“你才沒有唐氏綜合症
‪否則早就有人跟你說過了”

408
00:24:47,111 --> 00:24:50,198
‪但我想了又想，“除非…

409
00:24:52,492 --> 00:24:54,619
‪唐氏綜合症的症狀

410
00:24:55,662 --> 00:24:58,581
‪就是認為自己沒有唐氏綜合症”

411
00:25:00,917 --> 00:25:02,961
‪會不會一切只是妄想

412
00:25:04,003 --> 00:25:05,922
‪我並非真正的喜劇演員

413
00:25:06,005 --> 00:25:07,757
‪並沒有在Netflix上表演？

414
00:25:09,300 --> 00:25:11,553
‪而現實是…

415
00:25:12,136 --> 00:25:15,390
‪我站在願意成真基金的舞台上…

416
00:25:20,270 --> 00:25:23,815
‪你們會歡呼是因為
‪我是一個努力表演的智障兒

417
00:25:23,898 --> 00:25:26,651
‪說著：“不，他太勇敢了”

418
00:25:27,569 --> 00:25:28,861
‪“看看他”

419
00:25:29,404 --> 00:25:30,780
‪“加油”

420
00:25:35,994 --> 00:25:40,373
‪我知道在場有些會不滿我…

421
00:25:40,456 --> 00:25:43,293
‪使用“智障兒”這個詞

422
00:25:43,376 --> 00:25:46,087
‪我想跟大家講清楚

423
00:25:48,172 --> 00:25:50,341
‪好，大家要知道這不是脫口而出

424
00:25:50,425 --> 00:25:51,801
‪我可是專業人士

425
00:25:53,428 --> 00:25:55,722
‪我會繼續使用“智障兒”這個詞

426
00:25:56,347 --> 00:26:00,143
‪因為我永遠也會讓智障兒
‪說“尼哥”這個詞

427
00:26:02,353 --> 00:26:03,605
‪一言為定

428
00:26:07,692 --> 00:26:09,110
‪不是人人可以用

429
00:26:11,404 --> 00:26:12,780
‪不是人人可以用

430
00:26:20,997 --> 00:26:22,290
‪我想告訴大家

431
00:26:23,249 --> 00:26:27,670
‪Google是怎麼救了我一命

432
00:26:28,713 --> 00:26:32,300
‪對，大企業Google，他媽邪惡的怪物

433
00:26:32,383 --> 00:26:34,594
‪全靠他們，我今天才會活著

434
00:26:35,303 --> 00:26:38,181
‪如果大家不知道的話

435
00:26:38,264 --> 00:26:41,851
‪Google是不會教人自殺的

436
00:26:42,644 --> 00:26:43,811
‪大家知道嗎？

437
00:26:43,895 --> 00:26:46,606
‪如果你在Google上找“如何自殺？”

438
00:26:46,689 --> 00:26:49,150
‪Google會回應說：“你並不孤單”

439
00:26:50,151 --> 00:26:53,112
‪然後他們會給一個
‪防止自殺會的熱線電話

440
00:26:53,613 --> 00:26:55,823
‪對，其實蠻扯的

441
00:26:56,824 --> 00:27:00,244
‪我們這個國家
‪所有緊急狀況也是打去911

442
00:27:00,328 --> 00:27:04,415
‪但如果你想吞槍自殺的話
‪號碼就不是人人知道

443
00:27:05,166 --> 00:27:07,877
‪況且那號碼不是很好記的那種

444
00:27:07,960 --> 00:27:09,671
‪不是能唱出歌來那些號碼

445
00:27:09,754 --> 00:27:12,006
‪而是隨機數字

446
00:27:13,883 --> 00:27:18,012
‪無論如何，Google不願意教我自殺

447
00:27:18,096 --> 00:27:21,641
‪我只好去Reddit，那裡就簡單多了

448
00:27:25,561 --> 00:27:27,480
‪“自殺？有五個分類耶”

449
00:27:28,272 --> 00:27:29,565
‪我那天學到一件事情

450
00:27:29,649 --> 00:27:34,779
‪我學到身體驚慌時會喘氣

451
00:27:34,862 --> 00:27:37,240
‪並非因為你氧氣不足

452
00:27:37,323 --> 00:27:40,284
‪而是因為你沒有排出二氧化碳

453
00:27:40,368 --> 00:27:41,703
‪基本上

454
00:27:41,786 --> 00:27:45,248
‪你吸入惰性氣體的話就會暈倒

455
00:27:45,331 --> 00:27:48,876
‪所以最好就是找一台二手車

456
00:27:50,086 --> 00:27:52,213
‪懂嗎？懸浮微粒超標那種

457
00:27:52,296 --> 00:27:54,841
‪最好是2000年之前的車款

458
00:27:55,425 --> 00:27:57,427
‪把車停在車庫

459
00:27:57,510 --> 00:28:01,055
‪排氣管至微開的車窗之間用水管連接

460
00:28:01,681 --> 00:28:03,015
‪開引擎

461
00:28:03,099 --> 00:28:04,976
‪播自己喜歡的歌

462
00:28:06,102 --> 00:28:07,854
‪然後等著見耶穌

463
00:28:08,938 --> 00:28:10,982
‪我想：“蠻簡單的”

464
00:28:11,065 --> 00:28:13,818
‪“Google怎麼不直接說啊？”

465
00:28:15,653 --> 00:28:20,116
‪所以我就發電郵給心理醫生
‪取消日後的預約安排

466
00:28:21,492 --> 00:28:23,327
‪我一打開電子郵箱

467
00:28:23,953 --> 00:28:27,206
‪就有一個Google的廣告
‪顯示著1997年製的豐田Camry

468
00:28:27,290 --> 00:28:29,917
‪我心想：“這些王八蛋

469
00:28:32,211 --> 00:28:34,255
‪還想從中獲利”

470
00:28:38,217 --> 00:28:40,261
‪所以我帶著憎恨存活至今

471
00:28:41,512 --> 00:28:43,264
‪只要有Google

472
00:28:44,223 --> 00:28:46,017
‪就有我，布萊恩辛普森

473
00:28:47,226 --> 00:28:48,478
‪懂我意思嗎？

474
00:28:49,854 --> 00:28:51,439
‪我是布萊恩辛普森，謝謝大家

475
00:29:47,036 --> 00:29:48,788
‪字幕翻譯：李瑋樂