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‪NETFLIX 喜剧特辑

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{\an8}‪大家欢迎布莱恩辛普森！

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‪好的

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‪你们知道几百年来

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‪黑人一直要求奴隶制赔偿

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‪每次我提起它 人们都说：

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‪“这不现实

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‪你们占人口的13％

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‪美国负担不起给每个人发钱”

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‪然后疫情来袭了

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‪我说：“你们这些混蛋有几万亿的钱

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‪他妈的我们的钱呢？”

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‪把钱发给黑人

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‪对

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‪这不是玩笑 而是解决办法

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‪再加上免费医疗

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‪我们没准会允许你们叫“黑鬼”

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‪一切都好商量

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‪一切都好商量

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‪他们不喜欢我们抗议

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‪好像我们这群人就他妈的惹人不爽

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‪美国对待黑人
‪就像收银员对待一分钱硬币一样

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‪法律规定他们必须随处接受我们

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‪但如果一下来了四五个以上

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‪大家会说：“这他妈什么鬼啊？”

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‪这太他妈糟糕了

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‪还有警察射杀的事

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‪每次警察开枪打死手无寸铁的黑人

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‪他们会说：“我当时性命受到了威胁

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‪那黑鬼动作很快”

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‪只有警察可以这么做

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‪最高法院裁定 警察可以用致命武力

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‪如果他们的性命受到威胁

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‪如果他们害怕 他们可以开枪打你

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‪我们恐怕对此无能为力 但是没关系

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‪你如果害怕 可以开枪杀人

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‪但我觉得在让你当警察之前

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‪我们得弄清楚你究竟怕什么

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‪这很合理的

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‪我是说真的

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‪我觉得警察学院的结业考试

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‪应该在鬼屋举行 对吧？

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‪但里面不是骷髅和女巫

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‪而是做着日常琐事的黑人 你懂吗？

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‪你必须要从前院到达后院的野炊

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‪不能杀任何人 你知道吗？

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‪然后在烤架上获取你的警徽

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‪听起来很合理

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‪他们总是说：
‪“就是几颗老鼠屎坏了一锅粥”

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‪我他妈怎么知道究竟哪些人是啊？

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‪我不知道 所以我只能避而远之

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‪如果我有紧急情况 要打911

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‪我告诉他们只派消防员

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‪因为我通常不需要枪

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‪我只需要胆识 你懂吗？

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‪消防员和警察一样勇敢

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‪他们会闯进一栋着火的建筑

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‪就拿一把斧头而已

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‪但我从没听过有消防员被吓到

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‪然后砍掉黑人的头

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‪但是…

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‪“抱歉 我以为你是火 我…

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‪他像火光一样闪烁着 你们看到了的”

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‪由于我是个年轻的黑人

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‪大家以为我最怕的是种族歧视的警察

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‪我更害怕的是种族歧视的救生员

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‪没有人想到他们

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‪种族歧视的警察至少得忙活一下

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‪对吧？报一些虚假文件 对人撒谎

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‪种族歧视的救生员只需对你视而不见

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‪你就死了

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‪所以你们想一想

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‪是黑人不会游泳吗？

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‪还是我们长期受到

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‪三K党水上分会长达数十年的谋害？

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‪我有很多吐槽警察的笑话

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‪有的人认为我讨厌警察

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‪不是这样的

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‪首先 每个人都讨厌警察

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‪连警察都讨厌警察

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‪对吧？我的喜剧没有政治性的

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‪我没有戴着有色眼镜看你

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‪我不管你是保守派

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‪还是正派的人类 对吧？

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‪重要的是 我们要诚实 对吧？

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‪真的说实话 不管你给谁投的选票

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‪如果你现在开车出去 听到…

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‪你不会说：“谢天谢地 英雄来了”

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‪不 没人会这么反应

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‪每个人的反应都一样

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‪“操他妈的 该死！”

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‪大家讨厌警察是有原因的

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‪因为跟警察的每一次互动都是负面的

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‪每次你见到一个警察

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‪你就知道你要掏钱了

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‪你至少会心想：“去他妈的” 对吧？

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‪所以我觉得警察要随身携带一些奖品

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‪他们时不时地叫你停车

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‪因为你实在是太棒了 你懂吗？

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‪对 这样警笛声就会让你心存希望

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‪你会想：“是哦 我一直都很乖呢

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‪也许是有好事”

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‪“你知道我为什么叫你停车吗？”

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‪“是因为我刚才左转非常厉害吗？

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‪感觉你好像要奖励我”

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‪“是的 我跟踪你过了十个出口

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‪你三次汇入车流都非常优秀

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‪纽约市政府特此奖励你喝星巴克”

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‪“太好了！”

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‪有一点你们要知道

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‪我是美国海军陆战队的退伍军人

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‪是的

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‪不 不用了 别这样

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‪我不是英雄 我只是入了伍

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‪你懂我的意思吗？

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‪我是在2001年3月为大学学费入伍的

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‪我不知道我们会在9月遭受袭击

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‪本拉登把我的人生计划搅黄了

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‪我提起这个是因为

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‪我是我们排唯一的一个黑人

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‪有大概两年的时间

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‪我是很多白人的第一个黑人朋友

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‪对 这么一想 我的确算是英雄

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‪其实你想想的话

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‪我训练了很多你们这些混蛋

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‪那是我第一次身边全是白人

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‪我沉浸在其中 我拿到了白人学博士

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‪我知道你们的想法

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‪我知道什么能打动白人的心灵

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‪对

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‪我知道白人有两大真理

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‪你怎么辩解我都不听

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‪第一个是你可以
‪用沙包球吸引任何白种男人的注意

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‪我无法解释这种现象

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‪但女士们 这比防强奸哨更有效

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‪包里放一个沙包球

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‪如果有一群兄弟会的跟你跟得太紧

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‪你就往后把它一扔

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‪走最前面的那个人百分之百会这样

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‪他们无法抗拒

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‪就像猫薄荷一样

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‪适用于所有白人的第二个真理是

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‪就是你们都有点想说“黑鬼”这个词

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‪对 这是经过同行评审的研究

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‪我他妈不在乎你怎么想

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‪因为这是你在美国
‪唯一一件不能自由做的事情

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‪你得考虑一下 你得确保周围没人

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‪你知道吗？

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‪你看到角落里有一群黑人

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‪像玩杂耍飞刀一样说着那个词

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‪你心想：“哦 好危险啊

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‪要是我也能参加就好了”

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‪对吧？这让你感觉99％的自由

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‪没关系 我们今天坦诚相待

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‪你们都做过这件事

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‪你跟你的第一个黑人朋友混熟了

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‪对吧？你等待了时机

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‪然后见缝插针说了“黑鬼”

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‪诚实点

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‪你没有得到你想要的回应 对吧？

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‪结果你做了什么？你想装糊涂

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‪“对不起 只是个词而已 你们都有说

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‪如果是歌词呢？

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‪如果是‘a’结尾 不是‘er’呢？”

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‪各种胡扯 对吧？

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‪这样吧 我来给你做个了断

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‪逻辑上讲 这不是百分百合理的

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‪但没关系 你遵守规则就行了 黑鬼

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‪因为这种概念你是明白的

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‪有的话你就是不能对某些人说

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‪你却偏偏搞不懂“黑鬼”这个词

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‪比如说 你不会对你母亲直呼其名

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‪除非你他妈是个怪胎

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‪对吧？只有怪孩子才会做这种事

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‪对吧？先生 你母亲叫什么名字？

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‪-艾琳
‪-艾琳

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‪你当面叫她“艾琳”吗？

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‪不 完全不会

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‪没道理啊 那是她的名字 对吧？

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‪-别人叫她艾琳？
‪-是的

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‪这名字肯定歌里有唱到过

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‪对吧？

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‪我这么问不是欺负你啊 先生

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‪先生 你母亲叫什么名字？

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‪-克里斯蒂娜
‪-克里斯蒂娜 你叫她克里斯蒂娜？

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‪-他妈的没门儿
‪-他妈的没门儿

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‪对吧？

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‪没道理啊 她就叫那个名字

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‪-不 先生
‪-而且是“a”结尾 不是“er”

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‪但你他妈不会这么叫她

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‪对吧？

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‪这…

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‪好吧 最后一个
‪先生 你母亲叫什么名字？

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‪-卡罗尔
‪-卡罗尔

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‪你叫她“黑鬼”吗？

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‪不！

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‪你看 不叫别人“黑鬼”很容易吧？

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‪谢谢

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‪讽刺的是

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‪第一个叫我“黑鬼”的人

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‪是我奶奶

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‪对 我永远不会忘记 我当时七岁

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‪她在她像奴隶制大种植园一样的
‪大房子的一头叫我

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‪对吧？80年代的孩子有几个特点

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‪第一 如果家长在房子的一头叫你

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‪你得过去一趟 而不能冲他们吼

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‪比如说“布莱恩！”

208
00:12:12,566 --> 00:12:15,652
‪你不能说：“什么？”
‪那样你就完蛋了 对吧？

209
00:12:16,862 --> 00:12:18,447
‪第二件事是

210
00:12:19,114 --> 00:12:23,035
‪家庭电子游戏还是个新发明
‪没有储存功能

211
00:12:23,118 --> 00:12:24,953
‪奶奶才他妈的不管呢

212
00:12:26,622 --> 00:12:30,292
‪她不管你玩了多久的《超级玛丽》
‪闯了多少关 有多难

213
00:12:30,375 --> 00:12:32,836
‪“快给我过来” 对吧？

214
00:12:33,629 --> 00:12:36,298
‪她在房子那头叫我
‪我放下游戏控制器

215
00:12:37,925 --> 00:12:41,220
‪她只是想让我帮她打开窗户

216
00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:44,223
‪而她就坐在窗户旁边

217
00:12:45,265 --> 00:12:47,434
‪对吧？真是倚老卖老

218
00:12:50,646 --> 00:12:52,606
‪对吧？我知道我没说出口

219
00:12:52,689 --> 00:12:55,442
‪但她听到了“懒贱人”之类的 对吧？

220
00:13:00,906 --> 00:13:04,910
‪她就他妈的失去了理智

221
00:13:04,993 --> 00:13:07,663
‪突然间就没有风湿了

222
00:13:13,126 --> 00:13:15,045
‪她从椅子上跳下来

223
00:13:15,879 --> 00:13:19,174
‪她像动漫里的坏人一样突然大了一倍

224
00:13:20,384 --> 00:13:23,470
‪我永远不会忘记这一刻
‪它铭刻在了我的大脑里

225
00:13:23,971 --> 00:13:25,639
‪她说：“黑鬼！

226
00:13:27,307 --> 00:13:31,019
‪这座城市他妈的要起火了！”

227
00:13:34,481 --> 00:13:35,315
‪对

228
00:13:35,399 --> 00:13:38,861
‪你需要了解黑人老太太的一个特点是

229
00:13:38,944 --> 00:13:40,612
‪她们有一个词汇表

230
00:13:41,572 --> 00:13:42,781
‪全是威胁

231
00:13:44,283 --> 00:13:46,285
‪但同时也是谜语

232
00:13:51,915 --> 00:13:55,752
‪它们有两个目的
‪一是让对手摸不着头脑

233
00:13:57,713 --> 00:14:02,467
‪第二是让你举报虐待儿童时
‪对方会以为你疯了

234
00:14:06,972 --> 00:14:08,891
‪但我当时七岁 我不懂谜语

235
00:14:09,975 --> 00:14:12,895
‪所以我的脸上充满了困惑 我很困惑

236
00:14:14,354 --> 00:14:16,523
‪但七岁的我还有一点不知道

237
00:14:16,607 --> 00:14:18,150
‪那就是困惑的表情

238
00:14:18,233 --> 00:14:22,279
‪和“你他妈要干吗呢
‪贱人？”的表情一样

239
00:14:25,449 --> 00:14:29,369
‪她就是这样解读的 以为我在宣战

240
00:14:32,247 --> 00:14:35,959
‪她抓住我的腋窝 狠狠地用膝盖顶我

241
00:14:36,501 --> 00:14:38,253
‪再完美得把我撂翻

242
00:14:39,421 --> 00:14:43,091
‪把我扔进对面的墙上
‪我他妈的直接倒栽葱

243
00:14:43,592 --> 00:14:45,093
‪到了这个时候

244
00:14:45,177 --> 00:14:48,347
‪她在照看的所有孩子全都围了过来

245
00:14:48,430 --> 00:14:50,641
‪什么侄子侄女啊 邻居的孩子外孙啊

246
00:14:50,724 --> 00:14:53,477
‪我们都喜欢看到对方被暴揍 对吧？

247
00:14:54,561 --> 00:14:56,355
‪她想杀鸡儆猴 她说：

248
00:14:56,438 --> 00:14:58,774
‪“小黑鬼 你学到了什么？”

249
00:15:00,609 --> 00:15:02,819
‪我知道她想要什么 她想让我说：

250
00:15:02,903 --> 00:15:05,572
‪“我再也不回嘴了 也不骂你是…”

251
00:15:07,032 --> 00:15:08,825
‪对吧？这就是她想要的

252
00:15:08,909 --> 00:15:11,078
‪如果是平时 我就顺她的意了

253
00:15:13,413 --> 00:15:15,707
‪但那天我内心深处有个声音：

254
00:15:15,791 --> 00:15:18,043
‪“今天我们要反击”

255
00:15:21,880 --> 00:15:24,216
‪她说：“小黑鬼 你学到了什么？”

256
00:15:24,299 --> 00:15:26,093
‪我说：“这个嘛

257
00:15:26,176 --> 00:15:28,261
‪既然你有力气把我扔到厨房去

258
00:15:28,345 --> 00:15:30,055
‪你也可以站起来打开窗户

259
00:15:40,190 --> 00:15:41,149
‪辛西娅”

260
00:15:48,782 --> 00:15:51,118
‪我在医院住了两天

261
00:15:54,246 --> 00:15:56,748
‪第三天 我被送到了寄养家庭

262
00:15:59,918 --> 00:16:03,171
‪寄养家庭很疯狂
‪他们立刻让你接受治疗

263
00:16:03,255 --> 00:16:04,881
‪让七岁的孩子看心理治疗师

264
00:16:04,965 --> 00:16:07,968
‪你知道州政府
‪付不起昂贵的心理治疗师

265
00:16:08,051 --> 00:16:11,013
‪所以他们找来大学刚毕业的白人女孩

266
00:16:13,015 --> 00:16:15,976
‪她们只在宣传册上看到过黑人

267
00:16:16,059 --> 00:16:17,310
‪你知道吗？她们…

268
00:16:19,229 --> 00:16:21,565
‪而且她们很想当知心姐姐

269
00:16:21,648 --> 00:16:24,568
‪我来一个开除一个：
‪“我他妈去你的 贱人 去你的”

270
00:16:25,193 --> 00:16:27,070
‪因为她们总是以同样的方式开始

271
00:16:27,154 --> 00:16:30,365
‪“嘿 小家伙 上面说你受到了创伤

272
00:16:32,075 --> 00:16:35,287
‪是的 而且你不信任大人

273
00:16:35,370 --> 00:16:36,496
‪但你可以相信我

274
00:16:36,580 --> 00:16:37,873
‪我是‘信任医生’

275
00:16:39,082 --> 00:16:42,044
‪你对我说的话是完全保密的

276
00:16:42,127 --> 00:16:47,007
‪而且如果我跟别人说 那是违法的

277
00:16:47,507 --> 00:16:52,012
‪除非你告诉我 你想伤害自己或别人

278
00:16:52,095 --> 00:16:53,805
‪那我就得报告了”

279
00:16:54,306 --> 00:16:57,142
‪我说：“好吧
‪那我们无话可说了 贱人

280
00:16:57,225 --> 00:16:59,186
‪因为我脑子里想的全是这个

281
00:16:59,770 --> 00:17:00,812
‪我要复仇”

282
00:17:02,439 --> 00:17:04,524
‪我要收拾那死老太婆

283
00:17:06,485 --> 00:17:09,571
‪对 这花了我一点时间 我很晚才想通

284
00:17:09,654 --> 00:17:11,198
‪要想彻底驾驭生活

285
00:17:11,281 --> 00:17:14,242
‪你需要一个心理治疗师和一个神父

286
00:17:15,410 --> 00:17:18,080
‪你不必是天主教徒就能跟神父说话

287
00:17:18,163 --> 00:17:20,791
‪走进天主教堂就行了 他们很欢迎的

288
00:17:21,583 --> 00:17:23,001
‪你什么都可以告诉神父

289
00:17:23,085 --> 00:17:25,545
‪你可以告诉牧师你刚刚杀了人

290
00:17:25,629 --> 00:17:28,131
‪他们会说：“说两遍祈祷文

291
00:17:28,715 --> 00:17:31,051
‪然后在捐款箱里放点钱”

292
00:17:33,678 --> 00:17:36,098
‪但神父是不会开处方的

293
00:17:36,598 --> 00:17:38,642
‪所以如果你想360度全覆盖的话

294
00:17:40,143 --> 00:17:41,103
‪你两个都要 对吧？

295
00:17:41,186 --> 00:17:46,024
‪心理治疗师和神父两手抓
‪你告诉神父你想杀谁

296
00:17:46,942 --> 00:17:49,820
‪然后跟心理治疗师说谁侵犯了你

297
00:17:56,076 --> 00:17:58,745
‪是神父 各位 你们跟得上我吗？

298
00:18:00,205 --> 00:18:01,665
‪救赎不是免费的

299
00:18:02,165 --> 00:18:03,542
‪献上你的屁股蛋

300
00:18:08,547 --> 00:18:09,381
‪对

301
00:18:10,006 --> 00:18:11,341
‪所以我才会嗑药

302
00:18:13,718 --> 00:18:15,804
‪我不懂那些不嗑药的人

303
00:18:15,887 --> 00:18:17,722
‪嗑药的名声不好

304
00:18:17,806 --> 00:18:19,599
‪说是会毁掉人生之类的

305
00:18:21,768 --> 00:18:23,103
‪现实也是一样啊

306
00:18:25,814 --> 00:18:29,526
‪凭什么就因为你们个别人一塌糊涂
‪弄得大家都不能嗑药？

307
00:18:31,153 --> 00:18:32,279
‪真是胡扯

308
00:18:38,368 --> 00:18:40,120
‪这应该像驾照分数一样

309
00:18:40,203 --> 00:18:42,706
‪如果你磕了药坏了事 你就不能嗑了

310
00:18:43,999 --> 00:18:47,919
‪你每年都要去机动车局申请嗑药许可

311
00:18:49,004 --> 00:18:51,923
‪“听着 你致幻蘑菇可以用

312
00:18:52,007 --> 00:18:53,884
‪但你上次在科切拉音乐节掉链子了

313
00:18:53,967 --> 00:18:56,720
‪今年你就不要碰摇头丸了”

314
00:18:57,387 --> 00:18:59,097
‪我觉得这样很合理

315
00:19:00,599 --> 00:19:02,642
‪反对嗑药的人不想承认的是

316
00:19:02,726 --> 00:19:04,811
‪有些人磕了药会好一点

317
00:19:06,605 --> 00:19:08,773
‪对吧？有些人嗑药时的状态最好

318
00:19:08,857 --> 00:19:11,026
‪你有没有朋友戒毒了

319
00:19:11,109 --> 00:19:13,236
‪然后你发现他们弱爆了？

320
00:19:18,158 --> 00:19:21,995
‪问题是我们把药品分成药和毒品

321
00:19:22,078 --> 00:19:23,121
‪不是这样的

322
00:19:23,622 --> 00:19:26,291
‪只有适合和不适合你的药品

323
00:19:27,709 --> 00:19:29,628
‪并没有药和毒品之分

324
00:19:29,711 --> 00:19:32,672
‪那是你他妈戴着有色眼镜看人

325
00:19:32,756 --> 00:19:34,049
‪我举个例子

326
00:19:34,132 --> 00:19:37,010
‪我们都认为
‪冰毒是十恶不赦的毒品 对吧？

327
00:19:37,093 --> 00:19:39,721
‪甲基苯丙胺会毁掉一个人 对

328
00:19:39,804 --> 00:19:40,764
‪但你猜怎么着？

329
00:19:41,264 --> 00:19:45,310
‪我很爱洛杉矶的一家24小时麦当劳

330
00:19:50,523 --> 00:19:54,236
‪那里的夜班经理
‪从晚上11点工作到早上7点

331
00:19:55,612 --> 00:19:57,864
‪他总是在服冰毒

332
00:19:59,574 --> 00:20:02,160
‪每次我看到他 他都活力四射

333
00:20:04,162 --> 00:20:05,747
‪只要是他当班

334
00:20:05,830 --> 00:20:08,917
‪所有的三明治都跟图上一模一样

335
00:20:11,544 --> 00:20:12,504
‪那是艺术

336
00:20:13,588 --> 00:20:14,506
‪冰毒的艺术

337
00:20:18,468 --> 00:20:20,178
‪我个人喜欢大麻

338
00:20:20,762 --> 00:20:23,974
‪这没什么好欢呼的 这只是一种活动

339
00:20:25,767 --> 00:20:28,270
‪我很久以前就学到了一个教训

340
00:20:28,353 --> 00:20:31,398
‪嗑药不能成习惯 不能每天随时都嗨

341
00:20:31,481 --> 00:20:35,944
‪你绝不应该在不能糊涂的情况下嗑嗨

342
00:20:38,154 --> 00:20:42,200
‪因为大麻会让你恍惚 不能太过头

343
00:20:42,993 --> 00:20:44,619
‪你太嗨的话

344
00:20:44,703 --> 00:20:46,579
‪有的人会把这形容为多疑症

345
00:20:47,497 --> 00:20:48,999
‪但实际情况是

346
00:20:49,082 --> 00:20:53,461
‪你会不停地想
‪你平时不会一直想的问题

347
00:20:55,005 --> 00:20:55,880
‪对吧？

348
00:20:55,964 --> 00:20:58,550
‪你正常的思考过程是

349
00:20:58,633 --> 00:21:02,387
‪你想一件事 有结论了 你就不想了

350
00:21:03,596 --> 00:21:04,556
‪如果你太嗨了

351
00:21:04,639 --> 00:21:07,142
‪你想一件事 有结论了

352
00:21:07,225 --> 00:21:10,770
‪你再思考结论 然后再思考那个结论…

353
00:21:10,854 --> 00:21:12,063
‪等你回过神来

354
00:21:12,147 --> 00:21:14,774
‪你已经神游了十万八千里了

355
00:21:15,984 --> 00:21:18,737
‪有次我太嗨了 我对我朋友说：“嘿

356
00:21:19,529 --> 00:21:24,200
‪他们有没有想过
‪给恋童癖者看他们自己的婴儿照？

357
00:21:30,290 --> 00:21:31,958
‪这样就是没有受害者的犯罪了”

358
00:21:36,713 --> 00:21:39,424
‪他说：“这主意很棒 但是…

359
00:21:41,718 --> 00:21:43,553
‪我们说的是经济”

360
00:21:43,636 --> 00:21:46,097
‪我说：“是的
‪对不起 我他妈太嗨了 抱歉”

361
00:21:49,351 --> 00:21:50,185
‪对

362
00:21:50,727 --> 00:21:53,063
‪这时候我才知道太嗨了不好

363
00:21:53,146 --> 00:21:56,316
‪有一天我太嗨了 就看了“网医生”

364
00:21:56,941 --> 00:21:57,776
‪对吧？

365
00:21:58,276 --> 00:21:59,778
‪如果你不熟悉的话

366
00:21:59,861 --> 00:22:03,406
‪网医生就是给疑病症患者看的网站

367
00:22:03,907 --> 00:22:08,578
‪它就是一个
‪帮你自我诊断疾病的在线医生

368
00:22:08,661 --> 00:22:12,165
‪并没有医疗人员参与 这太糟糕了

369
00:22:12,749 --> 00:22:14,250
‪它的操作方法是这样的

370
00:22:14,334 --> 00:22:18,797
‪上面有一个人体画像
‪你点击你有疼痛的部位

371
00:22:19,297 --> 00:22:21,466
‪放大之后 在屏幕的左边

372
00:22:21,549 --> 00:22:25,136
‪会列给你那个部位的所有可能症状

373
00:22:25,220 --> 00:22:26,638
‪如果你点击症状

374
00:22:26,721 --> 00:22:28,431
‪屏幕的另一边会列给你

375
00:22:28,515 --> 00:22:31,726
‪5000种你可能得的疾病

376
00:22:32,227 --> 00:22:36,147
‪如果你再点击一个症状
‪5000就会降到2500

377
00:22:36,231 --> 00:22:38,525
‪再点一个症状就降到1000

378
00:22:38,608 --> 00:22:39,526
‪但很扯的一点是

379
00:22:39,609 --> 00:22:42,028
‪它永远不会降到1

380
00:22:43,488 --> 00:22:46,533
‪你可以把症状全部都点了
‪它也不会降到一种病

381
00:22:46,616 --> 00:22:49,160
‪你至少会得三种病

382
00:22:49,244 --> 00:22:50,662
‪可能有两个是你认识的

383
00:22:50,745 --> 00:22:53,206
‪但至少有一个会把你吓死

384
00:22:54,290 --> 00:22:56,126
‪如果你告诉网医生“我喉咙痛”

385
00:22:56,209 --> 00:22:59,421
‪网医生会说：“那是新冠”

386
00:22:59,504 --> 00:23:01,965
‪你说：“不 我两剂疫苗都打了”

387
00:23:02,048 --> 00:23:03,883
‪网医生说：“那是季节性流感”

388
00:23:03,967 --> 00:23:06,761
‪你说：“不
‪我打完新冠疫苗还打了流感疫苗”

389
00:23:06,845 --> 00:23:10,098
‪网医生说：
‪“好 那绝对是爱滋病 你要死了”

390
00:23:14,436 --> 00:23:15,603
‪太可怕了

391
00:23:18,273 --> 00:23:20,942
‪现在你们都知道
‪大麻的效用和网医生的操作了

392
00:23:21,025 --> 00:23:22,235
‪我的故事是这样的

393
00:23:22,318 --> 00:23:25,613
‪我太嗨了 我上了网医生 我喉咙痛

394
00:23:26,614 --> 00:23:29,576
‪我点击“脖子” 翻看脖子上的症状

395
00:23:30,535 --> 00:23:34,914
‪症状之一是“短而宽的脖子”

396
00:23:38,001 --> 00:23:38,835
‪对

397
00:23:39,335 --> 00:23:42,046
‪你可能注意到我的脖子就是短而宽

398
00:23:43,006 --> 00:23:45,633
‪我的头一直大于常人

399
00:23:46,134 --> 00:23:48,636
‪因为我奶奶把我扔到了墙上

400
00:23:50,013 --> 00:23:53,516
‪我的脖子变粗了 以保持稳定 对吧？

401
00:23:53,600 --> 00:23:55,643
‪所以我很好奇

402
00:23:55,727 --> 00:23:57,770
‪他妈的什么疾病

403
00:23:58,271 --> 00:23:59,731
‪会有这种症状？

404
00:24:00,356 --> 00:24:01,608
‪所以我就点击了

405
00:24:02,567 --> 00:24:05,111
‪这是我第一次使用网医生

406
00:24:05,195 --> 00:24:06,779
‪我点击了一个症状

407
00:24:07,739 --> 00:24:09,657
‪我得到的是一种病

408
00:24:11,367 --> 00:24:12,911
‪是唐氏综合征

409
00:24:16,915 --> 00:24:17,749
‪对

410
00:24:19,459 --> 00:24:22,086
‪就像我说的 在正常情况下

411
00:24:22,921 --> 00:24:26,090
‪我会很确定我没有唐氏综合征

412
00:24:27,842 --> 00:24:28,968
‪我当时太嗨了

413
00:24:33,223 --> 00:24:36,518
‪我的第一个想法是：
‪“布莱恩 这真是太荒谬了

414
00:24:37,560 --> 00:24:39,062
‪你没有唐氏综合征

415
00:24:39,145 --> 00:24:41,105
‪不然早有人告诉你了”

416
00:24:47,111 --> 00:24:50,198
‪但我的下一个想法是：“除非…

417
00:24:52,492 --> 00:24:54,619
‪唐氏综合征的一个特点

418
00:24:55,662 --> 00:24:58,581
‪就是你认为自己没有唐氏综合征”

419
00:25:00,917 --> 00:25:02,961
‪万一这只是幻觉呢？

420
00:25:04,003 --> 00:25:05,922
‪我只是自以为我是喜剧人

421
00:25:06,464 --> 00:25:07,757
‪在Netflix演出？

422
00:25:09,300 --> 00:25:11,553
‪但现实其实是

423
00:25:12,136 --> 00:25:15,390
‪这是许愿基金会给我办的慈善活动

424
00:25:20,270 --> 00:25:23,815
‪你们只是在鼓励我
‪因为我弱智 但是很努力

425
00:25:23,898 --> 00:25:26,651
‪“哦不 他好勇敢哦

426
00:25:27,569 --> 00:25:28,861
‪你看他

427
00:25:29,404 --> 00:25:30,780
‪多努力啊”

428
00:25:35,994 --> 00:25:40,373
‪听着 我知道你们有些人不喜欢

429
00:25:40,456 --> 00:25:43,293
‪我刚才用了“弱智”这个词

430
00:25:43,376 --> 00:25:46,087
‪我想直接说清楚

431
00:25:48,172 --> 00:25:50,341
‪我想让你知道那不是意外

432
00:25:50,425 --> 00:25:51,801
‪我是专业人士

433
00:25:53,428 --> 00:25:55,722
‪我继续用“弱智”这个词

434
00:25:56,347 --> 00:26:00,143
‪是因为我总是让弱智人士说“黑鬼”

435
00:26:02,353 --> 00:26:03,605
‪交易就是要遵守嘛

436
00:26:07,692 --> 00:26:09,110
‪不是每个人都赞成的

437
00:26:11,404 --> 00:26:12,780
‪不是每个人都赞成的

438
00:26:20,997 --> 00:26:23,166
‪我想跟你们讲一个

439
00:26:23,249 --> 00:26:27,670
‪谷歌如何救了我的命的故事

440
00:26:28,713 --> 00:26:32,300
‪对 那个公司谷歌 那个邪恶的怪物

441
00:26:32,383 --> 00:26:34,594
‪因为有它 我才能活到今天

442
00:26:35,303 --> 00:26:38,181
‪对吧？你可能不知道这个

443
00:26:38,264 --> 00:26:41,851
‪谷歌不会告诉你如何自杀

444
00:26:42,644 --> 00:26:43,811
‪你知道吗？

445
00:26:43,895 --> 00:26:46,606
‪如果你用谷歌搜索“我要怎么自杀？”

446
00:26:46,689 --> 00:26:49,150
‪谷歌会回答：“你不是一个人”

447
00:26:50,151 --> 00:26:53,112
‪他们会给你自杀救助热线的号码

448
00:26:53,613 --> 00:26:55,823
‪对 其实这挺扯淡的

449
00:26:56,824 --> 00:27:00,244
‪我们国家所有其他紧急情况都是911

450
00:27:00,328 --> 00:27:04,415
‪但如果你想饮弹自尽
‪号码是一个没人知道的800电话

451
00:27:05,166 --> 00:27:07,877
‪还不是那种单词式的好记的号码

452
00:27:07,960 --> 00:27:09,671
‪比如牙医打1-800-dentist

453
00:27:09,754 --> 00:27:12,006
‪只是随机的数字

454
00:27:13,883 --> 00:27:18,012
‪但话说回来 谷歌不告诉我怎么自杀

455
00:27:18,096 --> 00:27:21,140
‪于是我上了红迪网
‪上面说：“哦 这很简单的

456
00:27:25,561 --> 00:27:27,480
‪自杀？我们有五个”

457
00:27:28,272 --> 00:27:29,565
‪我那天学到了一点

458
00:27:29,649 --> 00:27:34,779
‪我学到你的身体在慌张之中喘不过气

459
00:27:34,862 --> 00:27:37,240
‪不是因为你的氧气不足

460
00:27:37,323 --> 00:27:40,284
‪而是因为你没有排出二氧化碳

461
00:27:40,368 --> 00:27:41,703
‪所以基本上

462
00:27:41,786 --> 00:27:45,248
‪如果你吸入惰性气体 你就会晕过去

463
00:27:45,331 --> 00:27:48,876
‪所以最好的办法就是去买辆二手车

464
00:27:50,086 --> 00:27:52,213
‪通不过烟雾测试的那种

465
00:27:52,296 --> 00:27:54,841
‪最好是2000年之前的车

466
00:27:55,425 --> 00:27:57,427
‪把车停在车库里

467
00:27:57,510 --> 00:28:01,180
‪用管子把排气管的气
‪引进开了缝隙的窗户

468
00:28:01,681 --> 00:28:03,015
‪启动车子

469
00:28:03,099 --> 00:28:04,976
‪放上你最喜欢的音乐

470
00:28:06,102 --> 00:28:07,854
‪然后等着见耶稣

471
00:28:08,938 --> 00:28:10,982
‪我心想：“那是挺简单的

472
00:28:11,065 --> 00:28:13,818
‪谷歌他妈的怎么不告诉我呢？”

473
00:28:15,653 --> 00:28:19,490
‪所以我去给我的治疗师发邮件
‪取消我未来的预约

474
00:28:21,492 --> 00:28:23,327
‪我打开我的谷歌邮箱

475
00:28:23,953 --> 00:28:27,206
‪看到一个97年款凯美瑞的谷歌广告

476
00:28:27,290 --> 00:28:29,917
‪我心想：“这些混蛋

477
00:28:32,211 --> 00:28:34,255
‪打算从后台赚钱呢”

478
00:28:38,217 --> 00:28:40,261
‪所以我是带着恨意活着的

479
00:28:41,512 --> 00:28:43,264
‪只要有谷歌

480
00:28:44,223 --> 00:28:46,017
‪就会有布莱恩辛普森

481
00:28:47,226 --> 00:28:48,478
‪你懂我的意思吗？

482
00:28:49,854 --> 00:28:51,439
‪我是布莱恩辛普森 谢谢

483
00:29:47,036 --> 00:29:48,788
‪字幕翻译：先思瑾