[rap music playing]
♪ Yuh, yuh, yuh, hey ♪
♪ Yuh, yuh, yuh, hey… ♪
[host] Everybody welcome Brian Simpson!
[crowd cheering]
-[audience whooping] -Yeah.
Y'all know for hundreds of years
Black people been asking for reparations.
And every time I brought it up, it was always like,
"That's not realistic."
"Y'all are 13% of the population."
"America can't afford to just give everybody money."
And then the pandemic hit.
I'm like, "Oh, you motherfuckers got trillions and trillions of…"
"Where the fuck is our money at?"
Give Black people money.
[audience cheers and applauds]
Yeah.
It's not really a joke. That's just a solution.
Throw in free healthcare,
we might let y'all say "nigga," I don't know.
Everything's on the table.
And they don't like it when we protest. Groups of us just fucking piss people off.
America treats Black people the way cashiers treat pennies.
Legally, they have to accept us everywhere…
but if you walk in with more than four or five,
everybody's like, "What the fuck is this bullshit?"
[audience cheers and applauds]
And it feels fucked up.
And the police shooting…
Every time the cops shoot an unarmed Black man,
they always be like, "I was afraid for my life."
"Niggas was fast."
It's the only job you get to do that.
The Supreme Court decided a policeman is allowed to use deadly force
if they're in fear for their life.
If they're afraid, they can shoot you.
I don't think we can ever do anything about that. But I say, fine.
You can kill a motherfucker when you afraid,
but I think before we let you be a cop,
we should find out what you afraid of first.
[audience applauds]
That's reasonable.
I mean that literally.
I think the final exam at Police Academy
should just be a haunted house. Right?
[audience laughing]
But instead of skeletons and witches and stuff,
it's just Black people doing everyday activities. You know?
You gotta make it from the front yard to the cookout in the backyard,
without killing nobody. You know?
You get your badge at the grill.
Sounds reasonable.
And they always be like, "Oh, it's just a few bad apples."
How the fuck am I supposed to know who the bad apples are?
I don't. So what I do is I just avoid it.
If I have an emergency and I gotta call 911,
I tell them only send firefighters.
'Cause I usually don't need the guns.
I just need the bravery. See?
Firefighters are just as brave as police.
They will run into a building that is on fire
with nothing but an axe.
But I've never heard any reports of a firefighter being startled
and chopping a nigga's head off.
[audience applauds]
But…
It's like, "I'm sorry. I thought you was fire. I, uh…"
"He was flickering. Y'all seen him flicker."
Since I'm a young Black man,
everybody thinks that my biggest fear is racist cops.
I'm way more afraid of racist lifeguards.
Nobody thinks about them.
'Cause a racist cop has to at least break a sweat.
Right? File some false paperwork. Lie to somebody.
A racist lifeguard just has to not notice you out there.
[scattered applause]
And you're dead.
So ask yourselves,
is it that Black people can't swim?
Or have we been the victims
of a decades-long conspiracy
by the aquatic wing of the Ku Klux Klan?
[audience applauds]
I have a lot of jokes shitting on cops
and some people take that to mean that I hate police.
And that's not true.
Right? I mean, first of all, everybody hates police.
Even police hate police.
Right? And listen…
Look, my comedy is not political. I don't… I'm not judging you.
Right? I don't care if you're a conservative
or a decent human being. Right? What…
[scattered applause]
What matters here is that we're honest. Right?
And the honest-to-God truth is, regardless of who you voted for,
if you pull out your driveway right now and you hear that, "Whoop-whoop,"
you're not gonna be like, "Oh, thank God. A hero."
No. No one reacts that way.
Everyone has the same reaction.
"Fuck him. Fuck!"
There's a reason everybody hates cops.
It's because every interaction with a cop is negative.
Every time you see a cop,
you know it's gonna cost you money.
So you like, "Fuck him," at the very least. Right?
So I think cops should carry around little prizes.
Every now and then they just pull you over
'cause you was kicking ass out there. You know?
[audience applauds]
Yeah. That way, you see them sirens and there's hope.
You're like, "You know what? I've been good this whole time."
"Maybe this is something."
Like, "Do you know why I stopped you?"
"Was it that awesome left turn I made back there?"
"I think I'm feeling something." You know?
Like, "Yeah, man, I followed you for ten exits."
"That was three outstanding merges."
"Enjoy your Starbucks on the city of New York."
"Yes!"
[audience applauds]
Uh, y'all should know this about me.
I am a veteran of the United States Marine Corps.
-[cheering] -Yeah.
No. Please. No. No, no, no.
I'm not a hero. I was just there.
You know what I mean?
I joined for the college money in March of 2001.
I didn't know we was getting attacked in September. You know?
Bin Laden fucked up my whole life plan.
I only bring it up because I was the only Black person in my platoon
for about two years. You know?
I was a lot of white people's first Black friend.
Yeah. Which, I guess, does make me a hero of sorts. You know?
-If you think about it. -[audience applauds]
I trained a lot of you motherfuckers.
It was my first time being around white people.
I was immersed. I got my PhD in white folks.
I know how y'all think. I know what moves your white spirit.
Yeah. I know two things are true
about every white person, and you can't convince me otherwise.
One is that you can distract any group of white men with a hacky sack.
I can't explain this phenomenon.
But, ladies, it's more effective than a rape whistle.
Keep one in your purse.
If there's a group of frat boys following too close,
just toss it over your shoulder.
100% of the time, the dude in the front will be like, "Whoa! Hey, hey!"
Like, they can't resist.
It's like catnip.
Yeah. And the second thing I know is true about all white folks
is that all of y'all wanna say "nigga" a little bit.
Yeah. This is peer-reviewed research. I don't give a fuck how you feel about it.
Right? 'Cause it's the only thing in America you can't just freely do.
You gotta think about it. You gotta make sure the coast is clear.
You know?
You see a group of Black people in the corner.
They tossing N-words around like they juggling knives.
You think to yourself, "Ooh, dangerous!"
"I wish I could participate."
Right? It makes you feel 99% free.
It's okay. We being honest here. Right? All of you have done it.
You got comfortable with your first Black person.
Right? You waited for your moment.
You try to slip a "nigga" into the situation.
Be honest.
And you didn't get the response you was looking for. Did you?
Then, what did you do? You try to act confused.
[nervously] "I'm sorry. It's just a word. Y'all be saying it, and…"
"What if it's in a song?"
"What if it ends with an 'A' and not an 'ER'?"
All that bullshit. Right?
Here's the thing. I'll give it to you.
Logically speaking, it don't make 100% sense.
But it don't have to. Just follow the rules, nigga.
[scattered applause]
Because you do understand the concept
that there's certain shit you just can't say to certain people.
You only get confused with the word "nigga."
For example, you don't call your mother by her first name.
Unless you a fucking weirdo.
Right? Only the weird kids did that where I'm from.
Right? Sir, what is your mother's name?
-[man] Eileen. -Eileen.
-Do you call her Eileen to her face? -No.
No. Not at all.
That doesn't make sense. That's her name, is it not?
-Other people call her Eileen? -Yes.
It's definitely in a few songs.
[all applaud]
Right?
I don't mean for you to feel picked on, sir.
Sir, what is your mother's name?
-[man] Christina. -Christina. You call her Christina?
-Fucking no. -Fucking no.
-[audience laughs] -Right?
That doesn't make sense. That's her name.
-No, sir. -It ends with an "A," not an "ER."
But you don't fucking call her that.
-[audience applauds] -Right?
That's…
Okay. One last one. Sir, what is your mother's first name?
-[man] Carol. -Carol.
Do you call her nigga, ever?
No!
See how easy it is not to say "nigga" to people?
[audience applauding]
Thank you.
Now here's the irony.
The first person that ever called me a nigga was my grandmother.
Yeah. I'll never forget. I was seven years old.
She called me from all the way across her big-ass slave plantation of a house.
Right? Something y'all need to understand about being a child in the '80s,
is one, when your parents called you from across the house,
you had to go see what they wanted. You couldn't yell back.
Right? You couldn't… "Brian!"
You couldn't be like, "What?" That'd get you fucked up. Right?
And the second thing is,
home video games was new and there wasn't no saves, nigga. So…
And grandma didn't give a fuck…
how long you was playing Mario Bros., how far you got, how difficult it was.
"Get your ass up here." Right?
She called me from across the house. I passed the sticks.
And all she wanted was for me to open the window
that she was sitting right beside.
Right? Straight power play.
Right? And I know I didn't say it out loud,
but she heard "lazy bitch" or whatever. Right?
She lost her fucking mind, son.
All of a sudden, no arthritis.
[scattered applause]
She hopped up out of this chair.
She doubled in size like an anime villain. Right?
And I'll never forget this moment. It's burned into my brain.
She goes, "Nigga,
it's about to be some smoke in the motherfucking city!"
Yeah.
Something else you need to understand is that all older Black women,
they have a glossary
of threats
that are also riddles.
They serve two purposes. One is to confuse the opponent…
and the second is to make you sound crazy
if you call Child Protective Services.
Right?
But I'm seven. I don't know riddles.
So I just have this look of confusion on my face. I'm confused.
But something else I didn't know, 'cause I was seven,
is that the look of confusion is the same look
as, "Fuck you trying to do, bitch?"
And that's how she interpreted it. You know? As a direct challenge.
She grabbed me under my armpit, hit me with a vicious knee. Boom!
Did a perfect hip toss.
Threw me into the opposite wall. I fucking landed upside down on my head.
Now, by this time, all the other kids she was babysitting
in the house, they gathered around.
Nieces, nephews, neighbors' kids, grandbabies.
We liked to see each other get fucked up back then. Right?
She wanted to set an example. She goes,
"Now what did you learn, little nigga?"
I know what she wanted. She wanted me to be like,
"Don't ever talk back to you or call you…" [blubbering]
Right? That's what she wanted.
And if it was any other day, I would've gave her that.
But something deep down in me that day was like, "Today, we fight back."
And she goes, "What did you learn, little nigga?"
I was like, "Well, you had the energy to throw me across the kitchen."
"You could've just got up and opened the window…"
[audience cheers and applauds]
"…Cynthia."
[audience exclaims in shock]
I was in the hospital for two days.
And on the third day, I was in foster care.
The wild shit about foster care, they send you to therapy right away.
Seven years old talking to a therapist.
And you know the state can't afford the expensive therapists.
So they get these white girls fresh out of college.
Right? They only seen Black people in pamphlets and shit.
You know? They don't…
And they try to be relatable and shit.
I would fire 'em all the time. "Fuck you, bitch. Fuck you."
Because they'd always start the same way.
"Hey. Listen, little man. Says here you've been traumatized."
"Yeah, and you having trouble trusting adults, but you can trust me."
"I'm Dr. Trust."
"Anything you say to me is just between you and I."
"In fact, it's against the law for me to share it with anybody else."
"Unless you tell me that you're thinking about harming yourself or someone else."
"Then I have to report that."
I be like, "Okay. Well, I guess we're done here, bitch."
"'Cause that's all I think about…
is revenge." [laughs]
Right? I'm gonna get that old bitch.
Yeah. So it took me a while, but I figured it out late. Okay?
To get the full life hack,
you need a therapist and a priest.
Right. You don't have to be Catholic to talk to a priest.
Just walk into a Catholic church. They welcome. You know?
You can tell a priest anything.
You could tell a priest you just killed somebody
and they'll be like, "Say two 'Our Fathers'
and drop something in the collections." You know?
But priests don't write prescriptions. You know?
So if you want 360 coverage…
you need both. Right? You get a therapist and a priest.
You use the priest, tell him who you want to kill,
and you tell the therapist who molested you.
-[audience members exclaim] -[scattered applause]
It was the priest, guys. Are y'all keeping up with me?
Salvation ain't free.
Give up them cheeks.
[audience members groaning]
Yeah.
That's why I do drugs.
Yeah, man. I don't get these drug-free people.
Drugs get a bad rep
'cause they ruin people's lives or whatever, but…
so does reality.
Why are drugs illegal for everybody
just because some of y'all can't keep your shit together?
This is bullshit.
[audience cheers and applauds]
It should be like points on your license.
If you keep fucking up on drugs, you can't do drugs.
You gotta go to the DMV and get approved for your drugs every year.
Like, "Hey. Look. You good for the mushrooms,
but you fucked up at the last Coachella."
"No molly for you for the rest of the year."
That seems reasonable to me.
These anti-drug people,
what they won't admit is some people are better on drugs.
Right? Some people at they best on drugs.
You ever have a friend get sober
and then you realize they lame as fuck?
The problem is, we look at drugs like there are good drugs and bad drugs.
That's not true.
There's just the right drugs and the wrong drugs for you.
There's no good drug, bad drug.
Okay? That's just your way to fucking judge people.
I'll give you a perfect example.
We all agree meth is a dirty, ugly, nasty drug. Right?
Methamphetamines destroys people. Yeah.
But guess what?
There's a 24-hour McDonald's in Los Angeles that I love.
And the night manager, the guy that work 11:00 to 7:00,
he is always on meth.
Every time I see this guy, he's on 11, son.
But whenever he's in the building,
all the sandwiches come out looking just like the pictures.
[audience cheers]
That's art
from meth.
[audience applauds]
-Yeah. My personal drug is weed. -[audience member cheers]
I… It's not really something to cheer. It's just an activity. Um…
I learned the hard way a long time ago that it's not good to be a stoner.
Just high all day every day. You can't do that.
You should never be high in a situation where you can't risk being confused.
Okay? 'Cause weed can fuck you up. There is a such thing as "too high."
Right? And when you get too high,
some people describe it as paranoia.
But what it really is,
is that you just keep thinking when you normally would've stopped thinking.
Right?
Your normal thought process is,
you ponder something, you reach a conclusion, you're finished.
When you're too high,
you ponder something, you reach a conclusion,
then you ponder the conclusion, then you ponder that conclusion…
Next thing you know,
you way the fuck out on left field from when you started. Right?
Last time I got way too high, I turned to my friend and said, "Hey, uh,
have they ever thought about just giving pedophiles their own baby pictures?"
[audience groans and laughs]
"That's a victimless crime."
And he's like, "Man, that's brilliant, but, uh…
we were talking about the economy."
I was like, "Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm fucking high. Sorry."
[scattered applause]
Yeah.
This is when I really learned the lesson you can't be too high. So…
I was too high one day and I was on WebMD.
-[audience groans] -Right?
Yeah. And if you not familiar,
WebMD is just a website for hypochondriacs.
It's just an online doctor to help you diagnose yourself with diseases,
with no medical professionals present. Right? It's a horrible idea.
And the way it works is, you go there,
there's a drawing of a human, you click on whatever part of you hurts.
They zoom in, and on the left side of the screen
they give you a list of all the symptoms that part of you could possibly have.
If you click on a symptom,
on other side of the screen they'll give you 5,000 diseases
that you might have.
And if you click on another symptom, that 5,000 goes down to 2,500.
Another symptom, it goes down to 1,000. Right?
But here's the bullshit. You will never get it down to one.
You can click every symptom in that list, and you'll never get it down to one.
You'll end up with at least three diseases.
Maybe you familiar with a couple,
but at least one of 'em will scare the shit out of you.
If you tell WebMD, "Oh, I have a sore throat,"
WebMD will be like, "Oh, that's the…
That's that COVID."
You like, "No, man. I'm double vaxxed."
They're like, "That's the seasonal flu."
You're like, "No, man. I got my flu vaccine after the COVID."
Like, "Okay. Well, that's full-blown AIDS. You're gonna die."
Um…
It's terrifying.
So everybody knows what weed does, knows what WebMD is. Here's my story.
I'm too high. I'm on this website. My throat hurts.
I click on "neck." I'm scrolling through the neck symptoms.
And one of the symptoms is "short, wide neck."
Yeah.
You may have noticed I have a short, wide neck.
Um, I've always had a bigger-than-usual head
since my grandma threw me against the wall.
And my neck has just grown thicker to keep it stable. Right?
So, I'm just curious,
what the fuck disease
is that a symptom for?
So I clicked on it.
And this was my first time ever using WebMD.
I clicked on one symptom.
I got one disease.
It was Down syndrome.
[audience exclaims and laughs]
Yeah.
And like I said, under normal circumstances,
I'd be fairly certain that I don't have Down syndrome, right?
I was very high.
And so my first thought was, "Brian, that is ridiculous."
"You don't have Down syndrome. Someone would've said something by now."
But my next thought was, "Unless…
part of having Down syndrome
is believing you don't have Down syndrome." Right? Like…
What if this is just a delusion
that I'm a real comedian, uh,
on Netflix?
But what's happening in reality is,
I'm just standing on the table at my Make-a-Wish benefit, and…
[audience applauds]
Y'all are just cheering for me 'cause I'm retarded and I'm trying my hardest.
Like, "Oh, no. He is so brave."
"Look at him."
"Going after it."
Listen. I know some of you are, uh, judging me
for my use of the word "retarded."
I wanna address that directly, head-on.
Okay. I want you to know it was not an accident.
I'm a professional.
I continue to use the word "retarded"
because I always let retarded people say "nigga."
[audience applauds]
A deal's a deal.
It's not for everybody.
I wanna tell y'all, uh,
the story of how Google saved my life.
Yeah. Google the corporation, the evil fucking monster.
They're the reason I'm alive today.
Right? And if you don't know this,
Google will not tell you how to kill yourself.
Did you know that?
If you Google, "How do I kill myself?"
Google will respond, "You're not alone."
And they'll give you the number to the suicide hotline.
Right. Which is kind of bullshit, 'cause, like…
I mean, we live in a country where every other emergency is 911,
but if you about to blow your fucking brains out,
it's a 1-800 number that nobody knows.
And it's not even one of the catchy ones that spells a word,
like "1-800-dentist" or something.
It's just random digits.
But anyway, Google would not tell me how to kill myself.
So I had to go to Reddit, and Reddit was like, "Oh, that's easy."
[audience laughs and applauds]
"Suicide? We got five of those."
And I learned a lesson that day. I learned that, uh,
your body's panic response to breathe,
that doesn't come from you not getting oxygen,
it comes from you not expelling CO2.
Right? So basically,
if you just breathe in an inert gas, you'll just pass out. Right?
So the best thing to do is go get a used car.
Right? One that won't pass the smog.
Preferably something before the year 2000.
Right? Park it in the garage,
run a hose from the tailpipe to a cracked window,
start it up,
put on your favorite jam,
and then wait to meet Jesus.
I was like, "Oh, that is easy."
"How come Google wouldn't just fucking tell me that?"
So I went to go e-mail my therapist to cancel my future appointments. Right?
And I open up my Gmail
and there's a Google ad for a '97 Camry.
And I was like, "Oh, these motherfuckers."
"Trying to profit off the back-end."
[audience applauds]
So I'm staying alive out of spite.
As long as there's a Google,
there'll be a Brian Simpson.
-[audience cheers] -You know what I mean?
I'm Brian Simpson, everybody. Thank you very much.
[audience cheers enthusiastically]
[rap music plays on speakers]
♪ …okay, hey ♪
♪ In my zone, yuh ♪
♪ Keep these pussy-ass niggas On they toes, yuh ♪
♪ Keep some gas on me You know I'm smoking strong, yuh ♪
♪ Got up off my ass And got it on my own, yuh ♪
♪ Hunnids long, yuh ♪
♪ In my zone, yuh ♪
♪ Keep these pussy-ass niggas On they toes, yuh ♪
♪ Keep some gas on me You know I'm smoking strong, yuh ♪
♪ Got up off my ass And got it on my own, yuh ♪
♪ Hunnids long, yuh ♪
♪ On the profit, Capital One What's in your wallet? Talking deposit ♪
♪ Nigga be garbage, flexing and popular ♪
♪ Little nigga, stop it Baby, don't pop it, yuh, hey, huh, yuh ♪
♪ Shorty gon' drop it for me, yuh ♪
♪ Suck it up, slop it for me, yuh Set up your partner for me, ooh… ♪