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<i>[rap music playing]</i>

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<i>♪ Yuh, yuh, yuh, hey ♪</i>

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{\an8}<i>♪ Yuh, yuh, yuh, hey… ♪</i>

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<i>[host] </i>{\an8}Everybody welcome Brian Simpson!

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<i>[crowd cheering]</i>

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<i>-[audience whooping]</i>
<i>-Yeah.</i>

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<i>Y'all know for hundreds of years</i>

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<i>Black people been asking for reparations.</i>

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<i>And every time I brought it up,</i>
<i>it was always like,</i>

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<i>"That's not realistic."</i>

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<i>"Y'all are 13% of the population."</i>

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<i>"America can't afford</i>
<i>to just give everybody money."</i>

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<i>And then the pandemic hit.</i>

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<i>I'm like, "Oh, you motherfuckers</i>
<i>got trillions and trillions of…"</i>

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<i>"Where the fuck is our money at?"</i>

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<i>Give Black people money.</i>

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<i>[audience cheers and applauds]</i>

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<i>Yeah.</i>

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<i>It's not really a joke.</i>
<i>That's just a solution.</i>

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<i>Throw in free healthcare,</i>

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<i>we might let y'all say "nigga,"</i>
<i>I don't know.</i>

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<i>Everything's on the table.</i>

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<i>Everything's on the table.</i>

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<i>And they don't like it when we protest.</i>
<i>Groups of us just fucking piss people off.</i>

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<i>America treats Black people</i>
<i>the way cashiers treat pennies.</i>

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<i>Legally, they have</i>
<i>to accept us everywhere…</i>

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<i>but if you walk in</i>
<i>with more than four or five,</i>

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<i>everybody's like,</i>
<i>"What the fuck is this bullshit?"</i>

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<i>[audience cheers and applauds]</i>

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<i>And it feels fucked up.</i>

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<i>And the police shooting…</i>

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<i>Every time the cops shoot</i>
<i>an unarmed Black man,</i>

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<i>they always be like,</i>
<i>"I was afraid for my life."</i>

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<i>"Niggas was fast."</i>

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<i>It's the only job you get to do that.</i>

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<i>The Supreme Court decided</i>
<i>a policeman is allowed to use deadly force</i>

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<i>if they're in fear for their life.</i>

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<i>If they're afraid, they can shoot you.</i>

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<i>I don't think we can ever do</i>
<i>anything about that. But I say, fine.</i>

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<i>You can kill a motherfucker</i>
<i>when you afraid,</i>

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<i>but I think before we let you be a cop,</i>

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<i>we should find out</i>
<i>what you afraid of first.</i>

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<i>[audience applauds]</i>

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<i>That's reasonable.</i>

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<i>I mean that literally.</i>

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<i>I think the final exam at Police Academy</i>

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<i>should just be a haunted house. Right?</i>

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<i>[audience laughing]</i>

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<i>But instead of skeletons</i>
<i>and witches and stuff,</i>

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<i>it's just Black people</i>
<i>doing everyday activities. You know?</i>

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<i>You gotta make it from the front yard</i>
<i>to the cookout in the backyard,</i>

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<i>without killing nobody. You know?</i>

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<i>You get your badge at the grill.</i>

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<i>Sounds reasonable.</i>

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<i>And they always be like,</i>
<i>"Oh, it's just a few bad apples."</i>

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<i>How the fuck am I supposed to know</i>
<i>who the bad apples are?</i>

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<i>I don't. So what I do is I just avoid it.</i>

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<i>If I have an emergency</i>
<i>and I gotta call 911,</i>

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<i>I tell them only send firefighters.</i>

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<i>'Cause I usually don't need the guns.</i>

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<i>I just need the bravery. See?</i>

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<i>Firefighters are just as brave as police.</i>

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<i>They will run</i>
<i>into a building that is on fire</i>

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<i>with nothing but an axe.</i>

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<i>But I've never heard any reports</i>
<i>of a firefighter being startled</i>

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<i>and chopping a nigga's head off.</i>

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<i>[audience applauds]</i>

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<i>But…</i>

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<i>It's like, "I'm sorry.</i>
<i>I thought you was fire. I, uh…"</i>

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<i>"He was flickering.</i>
<i>Y'all seen him flicker."</i>

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<i>Since I'm a young Black man,</i>

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<i>everybody thinks</i>
<i>that my biggest fear is racist cops.</i>

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<i>I'm way more afraid of racist lifeguards.</i>

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<i>Nobody thinks about them.</i>

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<i>'Cause a racist cop</i>
<i>has to at least break a sweat.</i>

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<i>Right? File some false paperwork.</i>
<i>Lie to somebody.</i>

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<i>A racist lifeguard</i>
<i>just has to not notice you out there.</i>

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<i>[scattered applause]</i>

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<i>And you're dead.</i>

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<i>So ask yourselves,</i>

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<i>is it that Black people can't swim?</i>

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<i>Or have we been the victims</i>

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<i>of a decades-long conspiracy</i>

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<i>by the aquatic wing of the Ku Klux Klan?</i>

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<i>[audience applauds]</i>

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<i>I have a lot of jokes shitting on cops</i>

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<i>and some people take that</i>
<i>to mean that I hate police.</i>

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<i>And that's not true.</i>

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<i>Right? I mean, first of all,</i>
<i>everybody hates police.</i>

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<i>Even police hate police.</i>

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<i>Right? And listen…</i>

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<i>Look, my comedy is not political.</i>
<i>I don't… I'm not judging you.</i>

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<i>Right? I don't care</i>
<i>if you're a conservative</i>

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<i>or a decent human being. Right? What…</i>

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<i>[scattered applause]</i>

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<i>What matters here</i>
<i>is that we're honest. Right?</i>

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<i>And the honest-to-God truth is,</i>
<i>regardless of who you voted for,</i>

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<i>if you pull out your driveway right now</i>
<i>and you hear that, "Whoop-whoop,"</i>

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<i>you're not gonna be like,</i>
<i>"Oh, thank God. A hero."</i>

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<i>No. No one reacts that way.</i>

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<i>Everyone has the same reaction.</i>

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<i>"Fuck him. Fuck!"</i>

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<i>There's a reason everybody hates cops.</i>

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<i>It's because every interaction</i>
<i>with a cop is negative.</i>

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<i>Every time you see a cop,</i>

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<i>you know it's gonna cost you money.</i>

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<i>So you like, "Fuck him,"</i>
<i>at the very least. Right?</i>

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<i>So I think cops</i>
<i>should carry around little prizes.</i>

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<i>Every now and then</i>
<i>they just pull you over</i>

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<i>'cause you was kicking ass</i>
<i>out there. You know?</i>

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<i>[audience applauds]</i>

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<i>Yeah. That way,</i>
<i>you see them sirens and there's hope.</i>

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<i>You're like, "You know what?</i>
<i>I've been good this whole time."</i>

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<i>"Maybe this is something."</i>

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<i>Like, "Do you know why I stopped you?"</i>

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<i>"Was it that awesome left turn</i>
<i>I made back there?"</i>

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<i>"I think I'm feeling something." You know?</i>

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<i>Like, "Yeah, man,</i>
<i>I followed you for ten exits."</i>

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<i>"That was three outstanding merges."</i>

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<i>"Enjoy your Starbucks</i>
<i>on the city of New York."</i>

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<i>"Yes!"</i>

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<i>[audience applauds]</i>

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<i>Uh, y'all should know this about me.</i>

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<i>I am a veteran</i>
<i>of the United States Marine Corps.</i>

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<i>-[cheering]</i>
<i>-Yeah.</i>

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<i>No. Please. No. No, no, no.</i>

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<i>I'm not a hero. I was just there.</i>

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<i>You know what I mean?</i>

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<i>I joined for the college money</i>
<i>in March of 2001.</i>

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<i>I didn't know we was getting attacked</i>
<i>in September. You know?</i>

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<i>Bin Laden fucked up my whole life plan.</i>

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<i>I only bring it up because I was</i>
<i>the only Black person in my platoon</i>

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<i>for about two years. You know?</i>

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<i>I was a lot</i>
<i>of white people's first Black friend.</i>

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<i>Yeah. Which, I guess,</i>
<i>does make me a hero of sorts. You know?</i>

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<i>-If you think about it.</i>
<i>-[audience applauds]</i>

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<i>I trained a lot of you motherfuckers.</i>

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<i>It was my first time</i>
<i>being around white people.</i>

139
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<i>I was immersed.</i>
<i>I got my PhD in white folks.</i>

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<i>I know how y'all think.</i>
<i>I know what moves your white spirit.</i>

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<i>Yeah. I know two things are true</i>

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<i>about every white person,</i>
<i>and you can't convince me otherwise.</i>

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<i>One is that you can distract</i>
<i>any group of white men with a hacky sack.</i>

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<i>I can't explain this phenomenon.</i>

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<i>But, ladies,</i>
<i>it's more effective than a rape whistle.</i>

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<i>Keep one in your purse.</i>

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<i>If there's a group of frat boys</i>
<i>following too close,</i>

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<i>just toss it over your shoulder.</i>

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<i>100% of the time, the dude in the front</i>
<i>will be like, "Whoa! Hey, hey!"</i>

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<i>Like, they can't resist.</i>

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<i>It's like catnip.</i>

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<i>Yeah. And the second thing</i>
<i>I know is true about all white folks</i>

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<i>is that all of y'all</i>
<i>wanna say "nigga" a little bit.</i>

154
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<i>Yeah. This is peer-reviewed research.</i>
<i>I don't give a fuck how you feel about it.</i>

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<i>Right? 'Cause it's the only thing</i>
<i>in America you can't just freely do.</i>

156
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<i>You gotta think about it.</i>
<i>You gotta make sure the coast is clear.</i>

157
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<i>You know?</i>

158
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<i>You see a group</i>
<i>of Black people in the corner.</i>

159
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<i>They tossing N-words around</i>
<i>like they juggling knives.</i>

160
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<i>You think to yourself, "Ooh, dangerous!"</i>

161
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<i>"I wish I could participate."</i>

162
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<i>Right? It makes you feel 99% free.</i>

163
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<i>It's okay. We being honest here.</i>
<i>Right? All of you have done it.</i>

164
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<i>You got comfortable</i>
<i>with your first Black person.</i>

165
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<i>Right? You waited for your moment.</i>

166
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<i>You try to slip a "nigga"</i>
<i>into the situation.</i>

167
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<i>Be honest.</i>

168
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<i>And you didn't get the response</i>
<i>you was looking for. Did you?</i>

169
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<i>Then, what did you do?</i>
<i>You try to act confused.</i>

170
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<i>[nervously] "I'm sorry. It's just a word.</i>
<i>Y'all be saying it, and…"</i>

171
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<i>"What if it's in a song?"</i>

172
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<i>"What if it ends with an 'A'</i>
<i>and not an 'ER'?"</i>

173
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<i>All that bullshit. Right?</i>

174
00:10:00,059 --> 00:10:01,935
<i>Here's the thing. I'll give it to you.</i>

175
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<i>Logically speaking,</i>
<i>it don't make 100% sense.</i>

176
00:10:06,607 --> 00:10:09,109
<i>But it don't have to.</i>
<i>Just follow the rules, nigga.</i>

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<i>[scattered applause]</i>

178
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<i>Because you do understand the concept</i>

179
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<i>that there's certain shit</i>
<i>you just can't say to certain people.</i>

180
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<i>You only get confused</i>
<i>with the word "nigga."</i>

181
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<i>For example, you don't call</i>
<i>your mother by her first name.</i>

182
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<i>Unless you a fucking weirdo.</i>

183
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<i>Right? Only the weird kids</i>
<i>did that where I'm from.</i>

184
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<i>Right? Sir, what is your mother's name?</i>

185
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<i>-[man] Eileen.</i>
<i>-Eileen.</i>

186
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<i>-Do you call her Eileen to her face?</i>
<i>-No.</i>

187
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<i>No. Not at all.</i>

188
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<i>That doesn't make sense.</i>
<i>That's her name, is it not?</i>

189
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<i>-Other people call her Eileen?</i>
<i>-Yes.</i>

190
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<i>It's definitely in a few songs.</i>

191
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<i>[all applaud]</i>

192
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<i>Right?</i>

193
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<i>I don't mean</i>
<i>for you to feel picked on, sir.</i>

194
00:11:00,828 --> 00:11:02,746
<i>Sir, what is your mother's name?</i>

195
00:11:02,830 --> 00:11:05,749
<i>-[man] Christina.</i>
<i>-Christina. You call her Christina?</i>

196
00:11:05,833 --> 00:11:07,501
<i>-Fucking no.</i>
<i>-Fucking no.</i>

197
00:11:07,584 --> 00:11:09,211
<i>-[audience laughs]</i>
<i>-Right?</i>

198
00:11:09,712 --> 00:11:11,547
<i>That doesn't make sense.</i>
<i>That's her name.</i>

199
00:11:11,630 --> 00:11:14,174
<i>-No, sir.</i>
<i>-It ends with an "A," not an "ER."</i>

200
00:11:16,719 --> 00:11:19,346
<i>But you don't fucking call her that.</i>

201
00:11:19,430 --> 00:11:21,098
<i>-[audience applauds]</i>
<i>-Right?</i>

202
00:11:22,182 --> 00:11:23,058
<i>That's…</i>

203
00:11:23,142 --> 00:11:25,894
<i>Okay. One last one.</i>
<i>Sir, what is your mother's first name?</i>

204
00:11:25,978 --> 00:11:26,979
<i>-[man] Carol.</i>
<i>-Carol.</i>

205
00:11:27,062 --> 00:11:28,981
<i>Do you call her nigga, ever?</i>

206
00:11:30,107 --> 00:11:30,941
<i>No!</i>

207
00:11:31,525 --> 00:11:34,069
<i>See how easy it is</i>
<i>not to say "nigga" to people?</i>

208
00:11:34,153 --> 00:11:36,155
<i>[audience applauding]</i>

209
00:11:37,614 --> 00:11:38,449
<i>Thank you.</i>

210
00:11:44,913 --> 00:11:46,039
<i>Now here's the irony.</i>

211
00:11:46,123 --> 00:11:50,210
<i>The first person that ever called me</i>
<i>a nigga was my grandmother.</i>

212
00:11:51,295 --> 00:11:53,630
<i>Yeah. I'll never forget.</i>
<i>I was seven years old.</i>

213
00:11:53,714 --> 00:11:58,260
<i>She called me from all the way across</i>
<i>her big-ass slave plantation of a house.</i>

214
00:12:00,095 --> 00:12:03,891
<i>Right? Something y'all need to understand</i>
<i>about being a child in the '80s,</i>

215
00:12:03,974 --> 00:12:07,227
<i>is one, when your parents</i>
<i>called you from across the house,</i>

216
00:12:07,311 --> 00:12:10,230
<i>you had to go see what they wanted.</i>
<i>You couldn't yell back.</i>

217
00:12:11,106 --> 00:12:12,566
<i>Right? You couldn't… "Brian!"</i>

218
00:12:12,649 --> 00:12:15,694
<i>You couldn't be like, "What?"</i>
<i>That'd get you fucked up. Right?</i>

219
00:12:16,862 --> 00:12:18,447
<i>And the second thing is,</i>

220
00:12:19,114 --> 00:12:23,035
<i>home video games was new</i>
<i>and there wasn't no saves, nigga. So…</i>

221
00:12:23,118 --> 00:12:24,953
<i>And grandma didn't give a fuck…</i>

222
00:12:26,622 --> 00:12:30,375
<i>how long you was playing </i>Mario Bros.,
<i>how far you got, how difficult it was.</i>

223
00:12:30,459 --> 00:12:32,419
<i>"Get your ass up here." Right?</i>

224
00:12:33,629 --> 00:12:36,298
<i>She called me from across the house.</i>
<i>I passed the sticks.</i>

225
00:12:37,925 --> 00:12:41,220
<i>And </i>all<i> she wanted</i>
<i>was for me to open the window</i>

226
00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:44,223
<i>that she was sitting right beside.</i>

227
00:12:45,265 --> 00:12:47,434
<i>Right? Straight power play.</i>

228
00:12:50,646 --> 00:12:52,648
<i>Right? And I know</i>
<i>I didn't say it out loud,</i>

229
00:12:52,731 --> 00:12:55,442
<i>but she heard "lazy bitch"</i>
<i>or whatever. Right?</i>

230
00:13:00,906 --> 00:13:04,910
<i>She lost her fucking mind, son.</i>

231
00:13:04,993 --> 00:13:07,412
<i>All of a sudden, no arthritis.</i>

232
00:13:09,206 --> 00:13:11,208
<i>[scattered applause]</i>

233
00:13:13,126 --> 00:13:15,045
<i>She hopped up out of this chair.</i>

234
00:13:15,879 --> 00:13:19,174
<i>She doubled in size</i>
<i>like an anime villain. Right?</i>

235
00:13:20,384 --> 00:13:23,470
<i>And I'll never forget this moment.</i>
<i>It's burned into my brain.</i>

236
00:13:23,971 --> 00:13:25,639
<i>She goes, "Nigga,</i>

237
00:13:27,307 --> 00:13:30,811
<i>it's about to be some smoke</i>
<i>in the motherfucking city!"</i>

238
00:13:34,481 --> 00:13:35,315
<i>Yeah.</i>

239
00:13:35,399 --> 00:13:38,861
<i>Something else you need to understand</i>
<i>is that all older Black women,</i>

240
00:13:38,944 --> 00:13:40,362
<i>they have a glossary</i>

241
00:13:41,572 --> 00:13:42,781
<i>of threats</i>

242
00:13:44,283 --> 00:13:46,285
<i>that are also riddles.</i>

243
00:13:51,915 --> 00:13:55,752
<i>They serve two purposes.</i>
<i>One is to confuse the opponent…</i>

244
00:13:57,713 --> 00:14:00,424
<i>and the second</i>
<i>is to make you sound crazy</i>

245
00:14:00,507 --> 00:14:02,426
<i>if you call Child Protective Services.</i>

246
00:14:02,509 --> 00:14:03,385
<i>Right?</i>

247
00:14:06,972 --> 00:14:09,099
<i>But I'm seven. I don't know riddles.</i>

248
00:14:09,975 --> 00:14:13,353
<i>So I just have this look</i>
<i>of confusion on my face. I'm confused.</i>

249
00:14:14,354 --> 00:14:16,523
<i>But something else I didn't know,</i>
<i>'cause I was seven,</i>

250
00:14:16,607 --> 00:14:19,276
<i>is that the look of confusion</i>
<i>is the same look</i>

251
00:14:19,902 --> 00:14:22,029
<i>as, "Fuck you trying to do, bitch?"</i>

252
00:14:25,449 --> 00:14:29,369
<i>And that's how she interpreted it.</i>
<i>You know? As a direct challenge.</i>

253
00:14:32,247 --> 00:14:35,834
<i>She grabbed me under my armpit,</i>
<i>hit me with a vicious knee. Boom!</i>

254
00:14:36,501 --> 00:14:38,253
<i>Did a perfect hip toss.</i>

255
00:14:39,421 --> 00:14:43,091
<i>Threw me into the opposite wall.</i>
<i>I fucking landed upside down on my head.</i>

256
00:14:43,592 --> 00:14:46,470
<i>Now, by this time,</i>
<i>all the other kids she was babysitting</i>

257
00:14:46,553 --> 00:14:48,347
<i>in the house, they gathered around.</i>

258
00:14:48,430 --> 00:14:50,641
<i>Nieces, nephews,</i>
<i>neighbors' kids, grandbabies.</i>

259
00:14:50,724 --> 00:14:53,477
<i>We liked to see each other</i>
<i>get fucked up back then. Right?</i>

260
00:14:54,561 --> 00:14:56,355
<i>She wanted to set an example.</i>
<i>She goes,</i>

261
00:14:56,438 --> 00:14:58,440
<i>"Now what did you learn, little nigga?"</i>

262
00:15:00,525 --> 00:15:02,945
<i>I know what she wanted.</i>
<i>She wanted me to be like,</i>

263
00:15:03,028 --> 00:15:06,949
<i>"Don't ever talk back to you</i>
<i>or call you…" [blubbering]</i>

264
00:15:07,032 --> 00:15:08,825
<i>Right? That's what she wanted.</i>

265
00:15:08,909 --> 00:15:11,453
<i>And if it was any other day,</i>
<i>I would've gave her that.</i>

266
00:15:13,413 --> 00:15:18,210
<i>But something deep down in me</i>
<i>that day was like, "Today, we fight back."</i>

267
00:15:21,880 --> 00:15:24,216
<i>And she goes,</i>
<i>"What did you learn, little nigga?"</i>

268
00:15:24,299 --> 00:15:28,136
<i>I was like, "Well, you had the energy</i>
<i>to throw me across the kitchen."</i>

269
00:15:28,220 --> 00:15:30,555
<i>"You could've just got up</i>
<i>and opened the window…"</i>

270
00:15:30,639 --> 00:15:32,891
<i>[audience cheers and applauds]</i>

271
00:15:40,190 --> 00:15:41,149
<i>"…Cynthia."</i>

272
00:15:41,858 --> 00:15:43,819
<i>[audience exclaims in shock]</i>

273
00:15:48,782 --> 00:15:51,118
<i>I was in the hospital for two days.</i>

274
00:15:54,246 --> 00:15:56,540
<i>And on the third day,</i>
<i>I was in foster care.</i>

275
00:15:59,918 --> 00:16:03,046
<i>The wild shit about foster care,</i>
<i>they send you to therapy right away.</i>

276
00:16:03,130 --> 00:16:04,881
<i>Seven years old talking to a therapist.</i>

277
00:16:04,965 --> 00:16:08,051
<i>And you know the state</i>
<i>can't afford the expensive therapists.</i>

278
00:16:08,135 --> 00:16:10,804
<i>So they get these white girls</i>
<i>fresh out of college.</i>

279
00:16:13,015 --> 00:16:15,976
<i>Right? They only seen Black people</i>
<i>in pamphlets and shit.</i>

280
00:16:16,059 --> 00:16:17,310
<i>You know? They don't…</i>

281
00:16:19,229 --> 00:16:21,565
<i>And they try to be relatable and shit.</i>

282
00:16:21,648 --> 00:16:24,568
<i>I would fire 'em all the time.</i>
<i>"Fuck you, bitch. Fuck you."</i>

283
00:16:25,193 --> 00:16:27,070
<i>Because they'd always start the same way.</i>

284
00:16:27,154 --> 00:16:30,282
<i>"Hey. Listen, little man.</i>
<i>Says here you've been traumatized."</i>

285
00:16:32,075 --> 00:16:36,496
<i>"Yeah, and you having trouble</i>
<i>trusting adults, but you can trust me."</i>

286
00:16:36,580 --> 00:16:37,873
<i>"I'm Dr. Trust."</i>

287
00:16:39,082 --> 00:16:42,044
<i>"Anything you say to me</i>
<i>is just between you and I."</i>

288
00:16:42,127 --> 00:16:47,007
<i>"In fact, it's against the law</i>
<i>for me to share it with anybody else."</i>

289
00:16:47,507 --> 00:16:52,012
<i>"Unless you tell me that you're thinking</i>
<i>about harming yourself or someone else."</i>

290
00:16:52,095 --> 00:16:53,805
<i>"Then I have to report that."</i>

291
00:16:54,306 --> 00:16:57,142
<i>I be like, "Okay.</i>
<i>Well, I guess we're done here, bitch."</i>

292
00:16:57,225 --> 00:16:58,935
<i>"'Cause that's all I think about…</i>

293
00:16:59,770 --> 00:17:01,521
<i>is revenge." [laughs]</i>

294
00:17:02,439 --> 00:17:04,274
<i>Right? I'm gonna get that old bitch.</i>

295
00:17:06,485 --> 00:17:09,571
<i>Yeah. So it took me a while,</i>
<i>but I figured it out late. Okay?</i>

296
00:17:09,654 --> 00:17:11,198
<i>To get the full life hack,</i>

297
00:17:11,281 --> 00:17:14,242
<i>you need a therapist </i>and<i> a priest.</i>

298
00:17:15,410 --> 00:17:18,080
<i>Right. You don't have</i>
<i>to be Catholic to talk to a priest.</i>

299
00:17:18,163 --> 00:17:21,041
<i>Just walk into a Catholic church.</i>
<i>They welcome. You know?</i>

300
00:17:21,583 --> 00:17:23,001
<i>You can tell a priest anything.</i>

301
00:17:23,085 --> 00:17:25,545
<i>You could tell a priest</i>
<i>you just killed somebody</i>

302
00:17:25,629 --> 00:17:27,756
<i>and they'll be like,</i>
<i>"Say two 'Our Fathers'</i>

303
00:17:28,715 --> 00:17:31,051
<i>and drop something in the collections."</i>
<i>You know?</i>

304
00:17:33,678 --> 00:17:36,098
<i>But priests don't write prescriptions.</i>
<i>You know?</i>

305
00:17:36,598 --> 00:17:38,642
<i>So if you want 360 coverage…</i>

306
00:17:40,102 --> 00:17:42,562
<i>you need both. Right?</i>
<i>You get a therapist and a priest.</i>

307
00:17:42,646 --> 00:17:46,024
<i>You use the priest,</i>
<i>tell him who you want to kill,</i>

308
00:17:46,942 --> 00:17:49,820
<i>and you tell the therapist</i>
<i>who molested you.</i>

309
00:17:50,737 --> 00:17:53,698
<i>-[audience members exclaim]</i>
<i>-[scattered applause]</i>

310
00:17:56,076 --> 00:17:58,745
<i>It was the priest, guys.</i>
<i>Are y'all keeping up with me?</i>

311
00:18:00,205 --> 00:18:02,082
<i>Salvation ain't free.</i>

312
00:18:02,165 --> 00:18:03,375
<i>Give up them cheeks.</i>

313
00:18:03,458 --> 00:18:05,460
<i>[audience members groaning]</i>

314
00:18:08,547 --> 00:18:09,381
<i>Yeah.</i>

315
00:18:10,006 --> 00:18:11,341
<i>That's why I do drugs.</i>

316
00:18:13,718 --> 00:18:15,804
<i>Yeah, man.</i>
<i>I don't get these drug-free people.</i>

317
00:18:15,887 --> 00:18:16,888
<i>Drugs get a bad rep</i>

318
00:18:16,972 --> 00:18:19,558
<i>'cause they ruin</i>
<i>people's lives or whatever, but…</i>

319
00:18:21,768 --> 00:18:23,103
<i>so does reality.</i>

320
00:18:25,814 --> 00:18:27,440
<i>Why are drugs illegal for everybody</i>

321
00:18:27,524 --> 00:18:30,193
<i>just because some of y'all</i>
<i>can't keep your shit together?</i>

322
00:18:31,153 --> 00:18:32,279
<i>This is bullshit.</i>

323
00:18:32,362 --> 00:18:34,531
<i>[audience cheers and applauds]</i>

324
00:18:38,326 --> 00:18:40,120
<i>It should be like points on your license.</i>

325
00:18:40,203 --> 00:18:43,206
<i>If you keep fucking up on drugs,</i>
you <i>can't do drugs.</i>

326
00:18:43,999 --> 00:18:47,919
<i>You gotta go to the DMV and get approved</i>
<i>for your drugs every year.</i>

327
00:18:49,004 --> 00:18:51,923
<i>Like, "Hey. Look.</i>
<i>You good for the mushrooms,</i>

328
00:18:52,007 --> 00:18:53,884
<i>but you fucked up at the last Coachella."</i>

329
00:18:53,967 --> 00:18:56,720
<i>"No molly for you</i>
<i>for the rest of the year."</i>

330
00:18:57,387 --> 00:18:59,097
<i>That seems reasonable to me.</i>

331
00:19:00,599 --> 00:19:01,766
<i>These anti-drug people,</i>

332
00:19:01,850 --> 00:19:04,769
<i>what they won't admit</i>
<i>is some people are better on drugs.</i>

333
00:19:06,605 --> 00:19:08,773
<i>Right? Some people at they best on drugs.</i>

334
00:19:08,857 --> 00:19:11,026
<i>You ever have a friend get sober</i>

335
00:19:11,109 --> 00:19:13,236
<i>and then you realize they lame as fuck?</i>

336
00:19:18,158 --> 00:19:21,995
<i>The problem is, we look at drugs</i>
<i>like there are good drugs and bad drugs.</i>

337
00:19:22,078 --> 00:19:23,121
<i>That's not true.</i>

338
00:19:23,622 --> 00:19:26,666
<i>There's just the right drugs</i>
<i>and the wrong drugs for you.</i>

339
00:19:27,709 --> 00:19:29,628
<i>There's no good drug, bad drug.</i>

340
00:19:29,711 --> 00:19:32,672
<i>Okay? That's just your way</i>
<i>to fucking judge people.</i>

341
00:19:32,756 --> 00:19:34,216
<i>I'll give you a perfect example.</i>

342
00:19:34,299 --> 00:19:37,010
<i>We all agree meth</i>
<i>is a dirty, ugly, nasty drug. Right?</i>

343
00:19:37,093 --> 00:19:39,721
<i>Methamphetamines destroys people. Yeah.</i>

344
00:19:39,804 --> 00:19:40,764
<i>But guess what?</i>

345
00:19:41,264 --> 00:19:45,101
<i>There's a 24-hour McDonald's</i>
<i>in Los Angeles that I love.</i>

346
00:19:50,523 --> 00:19:54,236
<i>And the night manager,</i>
<i>the guy that work 11:00 to 7:00,</i>

347
00:19:55,612 --> 00:19:57,656
<i>he is always on meth.</i>

348
00:19:59,115 --> 00:20:01,910
<i>Every time I see this guy,</i>
<i>he's on 11, son.</i>

349
00:20:04,162 --> 00:20:05,747
<i>But whenever he's in the building,</i>

350
00:20:05,830 --> 00:20:08,959
<i>all the sandwiches come out</i>
<i>looking just like the pictures.</i>

351
00:20:09,709 --> 00:20:11,461
<i>[audience cheers]</i>

352
00:20:11,544 --> 00:20:12,504
<i>That's art</i>

353
00:20:13,588 --> 00:20:14,464
<i>from meth.</i>

354
00:20:14,547 --> 00:20:16,383
<i>[audience applauds]</i>

355
00:20:17,759 --> 00:20:20,679
<i>-Yeah. My personal drug is weed.</i>
<i>-[audience member cheers]</i>

356
00:20:20,762 --> 00:20:24,140
<i>I… It's not really something to cheer.</i>
<i>It's just an activity. Um…</i>

357
00:20:25,767 --> 00:20:29,187
<i>I learned the hard way a long time ago</i>
<i>that it's not good to be a stoner.</i>

358
00:20:29,271 --> 00:20:31,398
<i>Just high all day every day.</i>
<i>You can't do that.</i>

359
00:20:31,481 --> 00:20:35,777
<i>You should never be high in a situation</i>
<i>where you can't risk being confused.</i>

360
00:20:38,154 --> 00:20:42,200
<i>Okay? 'Cause weed can fuck you up.</i>
<i>There is a such thing as "too high."</i>

361
00:20:42,993 --> 00:20:44,703
<i>Right? And when you get too high,</i>

362
00:20:44,786 --> 00:20:46,621
<i>some people describe it as paranoia.</i>

363
00:20:47,497 --> 00:20:48,999
<i>But what it really is,</i>

364
00:20:49,082 --> 00:20:53,295
<i>is that you just keep thinking when you</i>
<i>normally would've stopped thinking.</i>

365
00:20:55,005 --> 00:20:55,880
<i>Right?</i>

366
00:20:55,964 --> 00:20:58,550
<i>Your normal thought process is,</i>

367
00:20:58,633 --> 00:21:02,137
<i>you ponder something,</i>
<i>you reach a conclusion, you're finished.</i>

368
00:21:03,596 --> 00:21:04,639
<i>When you're too high,</i>

369
00:21:04,723 --> 00:21:07,142
<i>you ponder something,</i>
<i>you reach a conclusion,</i>

370
00:21:07,225 --> 00:21:10,770
<i>then you ponder the conclusion,</i>
<i>then you ponder that conclusion…</i>

371
00:21:10,854 --> 00:21:12,063
<i>Next thing you know,</i>

372
00:21:12,147 --> 00:21:15,025
<i>you way the fuck out on left field</i>
<i>from when you started. Right?</i>

373
00:21:15,984 --> 00:21:19,529
<i>Last time I got way too high,</i>
<i>I turned to my friend and said, "Hey, uh,</i>

374
00:21:19,612 --> 00:21:24,200
<i>have they ever thought about just giving</i>
<i>pedophiles their own baby pictures?"</i>

375
00:21:24,284 --> 00:21:26,286
<i>[audience groans and laughs]</i>

376
00:21:30,290 --> 00:21:31,708
<i>"That's a victimless crime."</i>

377
00:21:36,713 --> 00:21:39,424
<i>And he's like,</i>
<i>"Man, that's brilliant, but, uh…</i>

378
00:21:41,718 --> 00:21:43,470
<i>we were talking about the economy."</i>

379
00:21:43,553 --> 00:21:46,097
<i>I was like, "Yeah. I'm sorry.</i>
<i>I'm fucking high. Sorry."</i>

380
00:21:46,181 --> 00:21:48,183
<i>[scattered applause]</i>

381
00:21:49,351 --> 00:21:50,185
<i>Yeah.</i>

382
00:21:50,727 --> 00:21:53,813
<i>This is when I really learned</i>
<i>the lesson you can't be too high. So…</i>

383
00:21:53,897 --> 00:21:56,316
<i>I was too high one day</i>
<i>and I was on WebMD.</i>

384
00:21:56,941 --> 00:21:58,193
<i>-[audience groans]</i>
<i>-Right?</i>

385
00:21:58,276 --> 00:21:59,778
<i>Yeah. And if you not familiar,</i>

386
00:21:59,861 --> 00:22:03,156
<i>WebMD is just a website</i>
<i>for hypochondriacs.</i>

387
00:22:03,907 --> 00:22:08,578
<i>It's just an online doctor to help you</i>
<i>diagnose yourself with diseases,</i>

388
00:22:08,661 --> 00:22:12,165
<i>with no medical professionals present.</i>
<i>Right? It's a horrible idea.</i>

389
00:22:12,749 --> 00:22:14,793
<i>And the way it works is, you go there,</i>

390
00:22:14,876 --> 00:22:18,797
<i>there's a drawing of a human,</i>
<i>you click on whatever part of you hurts.</i>

391
00:22:19,297 --> 00:22:21,466
<i>They zoom in,</i>
<i>and on the left side of the screen</i>

392
00:22:21,549 --> 00:22:25,136
<i>they give you a list of all the symptoms</i>
<i>that part of you could possibly have.</i>

393
00:22:25,220 --> 00:22:26,638
<i>If you click on a symptom,</i>

394
00:22:26,721 --> 00:22:30,433
<i>on other side of the screen</i>
<i>they'll give you 5,000 diseases</i>

395
00:22:30,517 --> 00:22:31,726
<i>that you might have.</i>

396
00:22:32,227 --> 00:22:36,147
<i>And if you click on another symptom,</i>
<i>that 5,000 goes down to 2,500.</i>

397
00:22:36,231 --> 00:22:38,525
<i>Another symptom,</i>
<i>it goes down to 1,000. Right?</i>

398
00:22:38,608 --> 00:22:42,028
<i>But here's the bullshit.</i>
<i>You will never get it down to one.</i>

399
00:22:43,446 --> 00:22:46,658
<i>You can click every symptom in that list,</i>
<i>and you'll never get it down to one.</i>

400
00:22:46,741 --> 00:22:49,160
<i>You'll end up</i>
<i>with at least three diseases.</i>

401
00:22:49,244 --> 00:22:50,745
<i>Maybe you familiar with a couple,</i>

402
00:22:50,829 --> 00:22:53,206
<i>but at least one of 'em</i>
<i>will scare the shit out of you.</i>

403
00:22:53,790 --> 00:22:56,126
<i>If you tell WebMD,</i>
<i>"Oh, I have a sore throat,"</i>

404
00:22:56,209 --> 00:22:58,294
<i>WebMD will be like, "Oh, that's the…</i>

405
00:22:58,378 --> 00:22:59,504
<i>That's that COVID."</i>

406
00:22:59,587 --> 00:23:01,923
<i>You like, "No, man. I'm double vaxxed."</i>

407
00:23:02,006 --> 00:23:03,883
<i>They're like, "That's the seasonal flu."</i>

408
00:23:03,967 --> 00:23:06,761
<i>You're like, "No, man.</i>
<i>I got my flu vaccine after the COVID."</i>

409
00:23:06,845 --> 00:23:10,098
<i>Like, "Okay. Well, that's full-blown AIDS.</i>
<i>You're gonna die."</i>

410
00:23:10,640 --> 00:23:11,474
<i>Um…</i>

411
00:23:14,436 --> 00:23:15,603
<i>It's terrifying.</i>

412
00:23:18,273 --> 00:23:22,235
<i>So everybody knows what weed does,</i>
<i>knows what WebMD is. Here's my story.</i>

413
00:23:22,318 --> 00:23:25,613
<i>I'm too high.</i>
<i>I'm on this website. My throat hurts.</i>

414
00:23:26,614 --> 00:23:29,659
<i>I click on "neck."</i>
<i>I'm scrolling through the neck symptoms.</i>

415
00:23:30,535 --> 00:23:34,914
<i>And one of the symptoms</i>
<i>is "short, wide neck."</i>

416
00:23:38,001 --> 00:23:38,835
<i>Yeah.</i>

417
00:23:39,335 --> 00:23:41,838
<i>You may have noticed</i>
<i>I have a short, wide neck.</i>

418
00:23:42,589 --> 00:23:45,633
<i>Um, I've always had</i>
<i>a bigger-than-usual head</i>

419
00:23:46,134 --> 00:23:48,303
<i>since my grandma</i>
<i>threw me against the wall.</i>

420
00:23:50,013 --> 00:23:53,516
<i>And my neck has just grown thicker</i>
<i>to keep it stable. Right?</i>

421
00:23:53,600 --> 00:23:55,643
<i>So, I'm just curious,</i>

422
00:23:55,727 --> 00:23:57,770
<i>what the fuck disease</i>

423
00:23:58,271 --> 00:23:59,731
<i>is that a symptom for?</i>

424
00:24:00,356 --> 00:24:01,608
<i>So I clicked on it.</i>

425
00:24:02,567 --> 00:24:05,111
<i>And this was my first time</i>
<i>ever using WebMD.</i>

426
00:24:05,195 --> 00:24:06,779
<i>I clicked on one symptom.</i>

427
00:24:07,739 --> 00:24:09,657
<i>I got one disease.</i>

428
00:24:11,367 --> 00:24:12,911
<i>It was Down syndrome.</i>

429
00:24:12,994 --> 00:24:15,121
<i>[audience exclaims and laughs]</i>

430
00:24:16,915 --> 00:24:17,749
<i>Yeah.</i>

431
00:24:19,459 --> 00:24:21,920
<i>And like I said,</i>
<i>under normal circumstances,</i>

432
00:24:22,921 --> 00:24:26,299
<i>I'd be fairly certain</i>
<i>that I don't have Down syndrome, right?</i>

433
00:24:27,842 --> 00:24:28,968
<i>I was very high.</i>

434
00:24:33,223 --> 00:24:36,518
<i>And so my first thought was,</i>
<i>"Brian, that is ridiculous."</i>

435
00:24:37,519 --> 00:24:41,105
<i>"You don't have Down syndrome.</i>
<i>Someone would've said something by now."</i>

436
00:24:47,111 --> 00:24:50,031
<i>But my next thought was, "Unless…</i>

437
00:24:52,492 --> 00:24:54,619
<i>part of having Down syndrome</i>

438
00:24:55,662 --> 00:24:58,581
<i>is believing you don't</i>
<i>have Down syndrome." Right? Like…</i>

439
00:25:00,917 --> 00:25:02,961
<i>What if this is just a delusion</i>

440
00:25:04,003 --> 00:25:06,381
<i>that I'm a real comedian, uh,</i>

441
00:25:06,464 --> 00:25:07,757
<i>on Netflix?</i>

442
00:25:09,300 --> 00:25:11,553
<i>But what's happening in reality is,</i>

443
00:25:12,136 --> 00:25:15,390
<i>I'm just standing on the table</i>
<i>at my Make-a-Wish benefit, and…</i>

444
00:25:15,473 --> 00:25:17,475
<i>[audience applauds]</i>

445
00:25:20,270 --> 00:25:23,815
<i>Y'all are just cheering for me 'cause</i>
<i>I'm retarded and I'm trying my hardest.</i>

446
00:25:23,898 --> 00:25:26,359
<i>Like, "Oh, no. He is so brave."</i>

447
00:25:27,569 --> 00:25:28,861
<i>"Look at him."</i>

448
00:25:29,404 --> 00:25:30,780
<i>"Going after it."</i>

449
00:25:35,994 --> 00:25:40,373
<i>Listen. I know some of you</i>
<i>are, uh, judging me</i>

450
00:25:40,456 --> 00:25:43,293
<i>for my use of the word "retarded."</i>

451
00:25:43,376 --> 00:25:46,087
<i>I wanna address that directly, head-on.</i>

452
00:25:48,172 --> 00:25:50,383
<i>Okay. I want you to know</i>
<i>it was not an accident.</i>

453
00:25:50,466 --> 00:25:51,801
<i>I'm a professional.</i>

454
00:25:52,927 --> 00:25:55,555
<i>I continue to use the word "retarded"</i>

455
00:25:56,347 --> 00:26:00,143
<i>because I always</i>
<i>let retarded people say "nigga."</i>

456
00:26:00,893 --> 00:26:02,270
<i>[audience applauds]</i>

457
00:26:02,353 --> 00:26:03,605
<i>A deal's a deal.</i>

458
00:26:07,692 --> 00:26:09,110
<i>It's not for everybody.</i>

459
00:26:11,404 --> 00:26:12,780
<i>It's not for everybody.</i>

460
00:26:20,997 --> 00:26:23,166
<i>I wanna tell y'all, uh,</i>

461
00:26:23,249 --> 00:26:27,420
<i>the story of how Google saved my life.</i>

462
00:26:28,713 --> 00:26:32,300
<i>Yeah. Google the corporation,</i>
<i>the evil fucking monster.</i>

463
00:26:32,383 --> 00:26:34,594
<i>They're the reason I'm alive today.</i>

464
00:26:35,303 --> 00:26:38,181
<i>Right? And if you don't know this,</i>

465
00:26:38,264 --> 00:26:41,726
<i>Google will not tell you</i>
<i>how to kill yourself.</i>

466
00:26:42,644 --> 00:26:43,811
<i>Did you know that?</i>

467
00:26:43,895 --> 00:26:46,606
<i>If you Google, "How do I kill myself?"</i>

468
00:26:46,689 --> 00:26:49,150
<i>Google will respond, "You're not alone."</i>

469
00:26:50,151 --> 00:26:53,112
<i>And they'll give you</i>
<i>the number to the suicide hotline.</i>

470
00:26:53,613 --> 00:26:56,282
<i>Right. Which is kind of bullshit,</i>
<i>'cause, like…</i>

471
00:26:56,824 --> 00:27:00,119
<i>I mean, we live in a country</i>
<i>where every other emergency is 911,</i>

472
00:27:00,203 --> 00:27:02,205
<i>but if you about to blow</i>
<i>your fucking brains out,</i>

473
00:27:02,288 --> 00:27:04,207
<i>it's a 1-800 number that nobody knows.</i>

474
00:27:05,166 --> 00:27:07,960
<i>And it's not even one of the catchy ones</i>
<i>that spells a word,</i>

475
00:27:08,044 --> 00:27:09,754
<i>like "1-800-dentist" or something.</i>

476
00:27:09,837 --> 00:27:12,006
<i>It's just random digits.</i>

477
00:27:13,883 --> 00:27:18,012
<i>But anyway, Google would not</i>
<i>tell me how to kill myself.</i>

478
00:27:18,096 --> 00:27:21,432
<i>So I had to go to Reddit,</i>
<i>and Reddit was like, "Oh, that's easy."</i>

479
00:27:21,516 --> 00:27:24,060
<i>[audience laughs and applauds]</i>

480
00:27:25,561 --> 00:27:27,480
<i>"Suicide? We got five of those."</i>

481
00:27:28,272 --> 00:27:31,734
<i>And I learned a lesson that day.</i>
<i>I learned that, uh,</i>

482
00:27:31,818 --> 00:27:34,779
<i>your body's panic response to breathe,</i>

483
00:27:34,862 --> 00:27:37,240
<i>that doesn't come</i>
<i>from you not getting oxygen,</i>

484
00:27:37,323 --> 00:27:40,284
<i>it comes from you not expelling CO2.</i>

485
00:27:40,368 --> 00:27:41,703
<i>Right? So basically,</i>

486
00:27:41,786 --> 00:27:45,248
<i>if you just breathe in an inert gas,</i>
<i>you'll just pass out. Right?</i>

487
00:27:45,331 --> 00:27:48,876
<i>So the best thing to do</i>
<i>is go get a used car.</i>

488
00:27:50,086 --> 00:27:52,213
<i>Right? One that won't pass the smog.</i>

489
00:27:52,296 --> 00:27:54,632
<i>Preferably something before the year 2000.</i>

490
00:27:55,425 --> 00:27:57,427
<i>Right? Park it in the garage,</i>

491
00:27:57,510 --> 00:28:01,055
<i>run a hose from the tailpipe</i>
<i>to a cracked window,</i>

492
00:28:01,681 --> 00:28:03,015
<i>start it up,</i>

493
00:28:03,099 --> 00:28:04,976
<i>put on your favorite jam,</i>

494
00:28:06,102 --> 00:28:07,854
<i>and then wait to meet Jesus.</i>

495
00:28:08,938 --> 00:28:10,982
<i>I was like, "Oh, that is easy."</i>

496
00:28:11,065 --> 00:28:13,818
<i>"How come Google</i>
<i>wouldn't just fucking tell me that?"</i>

497
00:28:15,653 --> 00:28:19,782
<i>So I went to go e-mail my therapist</i>
<i>to cancel my future appointments. Right?</i>

498
00:28:21,492 --> 00:28:23,327
<i>And I open up my Gmail</i>

499
00:28:23,953 --> 00:28:27,206
<i>and there's a Google ad for a '97 Camry.</i>

500
00:28:27,290 --> 00:28:29,625
<i>And I was like, "Oh, these motherfuckers."</i>

501
00:28:32,211 --> 00:28:34,255
<i>"Trying to profit off the back-end."</i>

502
00:28:34,338 --> 00:28:36,007
<i>[audience applauds]</i>

503
00:28:38,217 --> 00:28:40,261
<i>So I'm staying alive out of spite.</i>

504
00:28:41,512 --> 00:28:43,264
<i>As long as there's a Google,</i>

505
00:28:44,223 --> 00:28:45,892
<i>there'll be a Brian Simpson.</i>

506
00:28:45,975 --> 00:28:48,478
<i>-[audience cheers]</i>
<i>-You know what I mean?</i>

507
00:28:49,771 --> 00:28:52,023
<i>I'm Brian Simpson, everybody.</i>
<i>Thank you very much.</i>

508
00:28:52,106 --> 00:28:54,984
<i>[audience cheers enthusiastically]</i>

509
00:28:55,067 --> 00:28:56,736
<i>[rap music plays on speakers]</i>

510
00:29:04,035 --> 00:29:05,620
{\an8}<i>♪ …okay, hey ♪</i>

511
00:29:05,703 --> 00:29:07,538
<i>♪ In my zone, yuh ♪</i>

512
00:29:07,622 --> 00:29:10,750
<i>♪ Keep these pussy-ass niggas</i>
<i>On they toes, yuh ♪</i>

513
00:29:10,833 --> 00:29:14,295
<i>♪ Keep some gas on me</i>
<i>You know I'm smoking strong, yuh ♪</i>

514
00:29:14,378 --> 00:29:17,840
<i>♪ Got up off my ass</i>
<i>And got it on my own, yuh ♪</i>

515
00:29:17,924 --> 00:29:19,550
<i>♪ Hunnids long, yuh ♪</i>

516
00:29:19,634 --> 00:29:21,135
<i>♪ In my zone, yuh ♪</i>

517
00:29:21,219 --> 00:29:24,639
<i>♪ Keep these pussy-ass niggas</i>
<i>On they toes, yuh ♪</i>

518
00:29:24,722 --> 00:29:27,975
<i>♪ Keep some gas on me</i>
<i>You know I'm smoking strong, yuh ♪</i>

519
00:29:28,059 --> 00:29:31,187
<i>♪ Got up off my ass</i>
<i>And got it on my own, yuh ♪</i>

520
00:29:31,270 --> 00:29:33,189
<i>♪ Hunnids long, yuh ♪</i>

521
00:29:33,272 --> 00:29:36,651
<i>♪ On the profit, Capital One</i>
<i>What's in your wallet? Talking deposit ♪</i>

522
00:29:36,734 --> 00:29:38,444
<i>♪ Nigga be garbage, flexing and popular ♪</i>

523
00:29:38,528 --> 00:29:41,656
<i>♪ Little nigga, stop it</i>
<i>Baby, don't pop it, yuh, hey, huh, yuh ♪</i>

524
00:29:41,739 --> 00:29:43,449
<i>♪ Shorty gon' drop it for me, yuh ♪</i>

525
00:29:43,533 --> 00:29:47,078
<i>♪ Suck it up, slop it for me, yuh</i>
<i>Set up your partner for me, ooh… ♪</i>