[announcer] Please welcome the very funny Aparna Nancherla.
["She's Out of Her Mind" by blink-182 plays]
♪ She's a-a-a-antisocial ♪
♪ A-a-a-antisocial ♪
♪ A-a-and she's an angel, yeah ♪
Thank you!
How are you guys doing?
Great! Oh, man!
Thank you!
I feel pretty good.
I recently celebrated a one-year anniversary of a relationship.
Thank you for not clapping.
No. I noticed the hesitation. Go with it.
A year is too soon.
People are like, "I've been in a longer relationship
with my Brita filter, you know?
I haven't changed mine in 7, but...
I am, what you would call, a rescue. Like...
My boyfriend did find me at a kill shelter, so...
It was really only a matter of time, but it's fine.
It's fine 'cause he's always like, "She saved me."
You know? So...
feels like everyone knows their role in the relationship.
I am kinda surprised I met someone.
I am... what I would consider, a socially awkward person,
expresses itself in a lot of different ways.
Like, I wear my coat a lot indoors.
Mostly 'cause I'm cold, but it always sends the wrong message.
Like, if you keep your coat on too long at, like, a party or something?
Someone is always like, "You gotta take your coat off.
You seem uncomfortable and like you want to leave."
I'm always like, "That is accurate."
I try to be more outgoing.
Like, sometimes I'll read women's magazines.
Anyone read ladies' mags?
Okay. Everyone? Okay, great.
Everyone's reading one right now... Some of them are doing great work.
Like, I feel like Teen Vogue has been killing it.
Yeah. I think they're our new Economist, but...
I'd say, the weirdest tip I've ever read in one was very short and disturbing.
This is all it said. It was just like...
"To look more confident when you're walking around,
look like you have a sexy secret."
Apparently, some women's magazines are now just like,
"Print this. See if it's words.
You know? We don't know.
We don't know anymore. We're tired."
That's fair.
Yeah, walk around like you have a sexy secret.
Don't get me wrong. Like, I urged everyone to try it regardless of your gender.
Like, it's a valuable thought experiment.
It's like, when a beautiful actress plays an ugly character.
You're like, "Oh, I bet she grew a lot. You know? Like, I bet...
bet she learned a lot about herself."
I'll always think of it in the middle of the street
and then sorta derail from there?
I'll just be walking around, I'll just be like,
"Oh, oh yeah. Sexy-- Okay, sexy secret... You got a sexy secret...
I don't know. My underwear's...
got a hole in it.
But...
but not in a good place." You know? Like, it always...
sort of deflates at the end?
Sometimes I'm like, forget the sexy part, that's advanced. Don't worry about that.
Like, work on, the secret will build. You know, life is a journey,
you got to start small?
So it'll be, "Okay. Secrets, secrets. What are my secrets?
I don't know... My...
email password...
isn't strong enough."
Got to work on my secrets.
I actually had a body language analyst evaluate me recently and she said,
"I don't generally like to give negative feedback...
so I'm not sure what to say to you."
Yeah, you know. So, I cried, walked out of the room.
I was like...
"Feels like this interaction is over, if I'm reading it right.
Just like me and the girl from The Grudge against the world.
A very... very misunderstood pair."
Yeah. I don't know,
I kind of feel like we're misunderstood as a country right now.
I've been traveling a lot for comedy this year.
And a lot of international travel. It is a weird time to leave the States.
'Cause every time you leave now, it sort of automatically feels
like an apology tour.
You have to be like, "I'm so sorry. I know. I'm sorry.
Technically, he's not related to us.
You know, we're working on it. We got a team going.
I'm retweeting, so...
It's gonna be okay."
I was in Canada for a while and that was kinda nice 'cause I was like,
"I'm sorry," and they're like, "No, we're sorry."
"Sorry. Sorry." "Sorry. Sorry."
So, that was kind of healing.
I was, like, actually healing 'cause then we all got free physicals,
so it was a good week.
It was a good week. But... Yeah, I've been flying a lot.
My flight landed recently and something kind of strange happened.
I was coming down the aisle, the pilot was standing at the front...
I never know what to say to them after. You know, it's always like, "Thank you.
Good game. Whatever."
And then, I muttered something incoherent, I kinda shuffled by.
And then, I heard the woman behind me, and she just leans into him and she goes,
"I really enjoyed what you did with the flight."
Which I thought was strange, but also kind of beautiful
because what I had just thought was, like, a standard take-off, journey, landing...
She treated him like he was some kind of experimental performance artist...
of the air. Where she's just like,
"Honestly, what you did up there was groundbreaking work.
Like, that safety video is just such a subversive meta-commentary
on obedience.
And...
you made me rethink clouds."
But, like, I can imagine her not always being as nice.
Like, she gets off a different flight and she's like...
"Okay. Wow...
That was...
derivative.
It was a lot of the same old, same old.
Ending... You know, super predictable.
Like, I hate to say it, but felt like you were on autopilot the whole time."
I know. Nope.
Sick pilot burn. Not nice.
Not nice.
I went through airport security the other day.
I went through that big cylinder, where it has to make sure, like...
each of your cells gets cancer.
And...
You know, it like, scans you and then any part of you
that's suspicious, like, lights up on the agent's screen.
And the agent, without even looking up from the screen, he just goes,
kinda to himself, he just goes,
"Whoa! Right in the hoo-hah!"
And I was like, "Why did that section go off?"
I was like, "Did all my coins fall down there?"
I was like, "Is it frowny? Like, is it making
that angry face it makes sometimes,
when you could be perceived as a threat?"
And then I was like, "Oh, no. I remember. I replaced mine with a gun
'cause those are less regulated.
Oh!
Oh, no!
I made a statement.
I think it was something I ate. But...
I don't know, it's a weird time in the world, I think it's fair to say.
Like, you kind of know you live in a weird period in history
when you go to therapy and your therapist is like,
"Do you want to go first or should I?" "You know, I maybe...
maybe we should just talk at the same time.
Maximize on the session."
Yeah, I am someone who has a lot of anxiety,
and it is weird that anxiety is finally on message.
Like, if you're an anxious person, it's kind of like,
"Well, you know, this is what we trained for.
This is... This is our Olympics."
It's like, all those nights awake, like, "It's showtime." You know?
All the scenarios at once.
Yeah, I am-- I have some anxiety. I also have some depression.
I kind of like to do--
You know, anxiety for the week, depression on the weekends.
Like, they both have custody.
But, I recently started a new medication, and it's working, but has a side effect
I didn't know about: I get terrible dry mouth,
which, you know, perfect for this line of work, but...
it did make me realize that a lot of medications are like Greek myths.
Like you, the mortal, you get what you want,
but there's always, like, a cost you're not being told about.
It's always like...
"Oh, yeah. You'll be more fun to hang out with...
but whenever you try to talk to people...
dust will fly out of your mouth!
You're welcome."
It's always like, "Ah, you'll get what you want.
You'll get what you want."
And you're like, "Why did you say it again, Doctor?
In a weird tone that felt unnecessary."
I don't know. As someone who lives a lot in my head, I do...
You know, I do take a lot of naps. Fear naps, I call them.
I love napping. Like, my one problem with it is the waking up part.
That's where you lose me a little bit, only because it is
the most disorienting feeling every time.
Like, no one ever takes a nap and then is just, like,
"That was a great idea, and now I feel great!"
You know? Waking up from a nap is always some version of this,
where you're like...
[yowls]
Like you're always in a murder mystery, where you play all the characters.
You have to, like, piece things back together based on clues around you.
You're just like, "Who... who was I?
Pizza crust.
[blows on mic]
Pizza crust.
It's all crust, damn it.
Suspect seemed pretty cool."
Like, the only feeling I would compare waking up from a nap to is, like,
if you stopped to check your reflection in a parked car on the street,
and then, you suddenly realize there's someone sitting in the car.
It's like, "No! Why is this happening?
Is my family okay?
What is hair?" Like, none of the questions make sense.
How do you even get out at that point? Are you just like, "I was never here...
This was all a dream...
No, you're weird.
You were sitting in your car, parked on the street.
I was just making sure I still had a face.
I win."
Yeah, I also tend to spend a lot of time on the internet distracting myself,
and I'd wager to say, the internet is not the friendliest it's been right now.
You know, not a lot of people know this about me,
but I was not allowed to watch slideshows as a child,
so I developed a real adult need to make PowerPoints, and...
So, I think we have our tech people coming out...
You know, I travel with this thing and, honestly, it's a burden at this point.
It's like, who's the show really about? You know?
Okay, so we're just going to jump right into it.
This is just called, "You Had Me at YOLO."
Enjoy the pun if you want to. If you don't, you know,
keep it to yourself, but...
this is just going to be "a tenuous exploration
of how digital language exists in an ever-evolving landscape,"
which of course is a title I got from a random TED Talk title generator.
But...
I feel like it did the trick, but... in more casual terms, that is,
"AKA ponderings such as.
Why do all the family emojis only come in one skin tone?
But the blonde man emoji comes in all of them?"
Of course, it's nothing without the proof, so here we have our various families...
Beautiful, different combinations.
Heartwarming, but also if you'll notice,
little bit of an Aryan Nation starter kit.
"Versus..."
Why?
Why...
Why does Emoji Corp think it's so much more important
to represent, like, a multicultural boy band...
than a beautiful, diverse family? And, you know, I don't have the answers,
but I do know who can help us figure it out.
These guys.
And, you know, since I first made this, they did put out more emojis.
I guess the people spoke and they listened because now we also have...
these ladies.
Thank goodness for equal representation.
And of course, they're on the case.
So...
before I really deep-dive into stuff,
I just wanted to give you a little background on myself.
Anytime you present your ideas in this kind of forum,
people should know something about you, so...
I am a "comedian, writer, have a website."
Those all hold up in court.
I am a "daughter, sister, friend, frenemy, enemy, Emmy, Oscar."
Kind of lost my train of thought at the end of that one.
Turned into more of a word association.
I'm an "anxious depressive," as you heard, "therapy regular, PMS enthusiast."
Trying to reclaim that last one. Bring it back strong.
"Introvert, at times, violently quiet."
That's honest.
"Feminist, internet troll collector," hope to get them all. I'm very close.
"Heterosexual, emphasis on rose."
Now, I wasn't sure,
which part of the word to go with, in terms of being the least problematic,
but I feel like I did okay and...
some people might not get that one, and it's not that good, so you're fine.
"Cis-woman, barely confident in explaining what 'cis' means."
That is my privilege.
I'm a "person of color, will round out a college brochure photo."
Happy to do that for you.
"Closeted rascal."
Still coming to terms with that one. Please support my journey.
And then, of course, "Someone who uses quotes incorrectly."
So, that is me at a glance.
Thank you.
I am mainly going to be talking about language throughout this,
but I assume there's some number heads in the audience. Some data fiends.
I just want to assure you the research is there
to back up everything I'm saying.
You know, it's all there, so don't get caught up in that, you know?
As we're going along.
So, I wanted to start with emojis. Something I feel close to.
These are a few I had questions about, though.
Clown face emoji. I'm like, who requested this emoji?
Who's like, "You know what my conversations are missing?
More nightmares."
So, you're not...
Not so sure about that one. This one...
I don't know if that's "hang low" or "call me."
All I know is, if I show up somewhere and someone does this at me,
especially, like, a white guy. I gotta leave.
This one croissant emoji... Now, my main problem with this one,
is there's no bagel emoji, and how dare you have a croissant,
but not a bagel.
That being said, I'm okay with croissants on the whole.
And also, I realize, the "call me" of bread if you think about it.
These are a little more sinister.
Third place medal. Why is this an emoji?
I was, like, even if you actually won third place,
it feels like it would be rude to send you this.
This one. Raised back of hand.
It was fine until you said what side of the hand it is,
and now everyone's calling their lawyer, you know?
And then this one. Lying face.
I was like, someone at Apple has an axe to grind,
but I did realize these three together would make a great break up text,
if you think about it.
It's like, "You had three chances to put a ring on it, you liar, goodbye."
It was kind of nice poetry that emerged.
And then, there's an even more recent set of emojis that are out.
This one, man with beard, is so nice that if you see a Mumford or a son
on the street, you can finally...
have the right symbol to express it.
Black elf.
I was like, why don't we work on representing black women in real life,
and then we can work on elves.
Would be good.
That would be good.
And then this one... I'm not sure what this is adding
to the conversation...
that this was not already addressing.
But apparently, that eye had a lot to say.
You know?
So, I find emojis kind of uplifting. Another thing.
If you spend enough time on the internet, occasionally you come across an opinion,
and now anyone can express themselves.
Facebook has a whole set of reactions, just to comment on someone else's post.
What I like about Facebook reactions is that is actually a timeline
of me logging on to Facebook.
Start out in a good mood. Share some love, have a laugh, start to get concerned.
Then I'm like, "What am I doing with my life?"
And then by the end, I'm enraged at my friend's new bangs for some reason.
Don't know why.
Yelp one-star reviews.
They seem negative, but I find them, like, a very untapped source of literature.
This is a favorite.
"Awful service. Was offered crack on my way to the restaurant.
House ferments tasted like soft garbage."
I was like, I think this lady was actually just in an alley,
and she was like, "This restaurant is terrible."
Coffee drinkers are always good for an angry review.
"No! Not good! Please train your barista! Cappuccino waaaaay too hot!
No milk integration!"
I didn't know what milk integration was before I read this review,
but afterwords, even I was enraged, you know? I was like,
"Why are you segregating your liquids?
This is wrong."
This one. "Came to get coffee and wait for a show
at Seattle immersive theater to start.
The place was closed, so we figured we'd go down the street
to Seattle Grind and come back to wait here (near the theater).
We get coffee and come back and the place is open...
What the hell kind of business is this?"
Now, I like this one because, clearly, this woman has never experienced
any actual hardship in her life...
that a small business turning its sign from closed to open,
just rocks the foundations of everything she's ever known.
And then this one is my all-time, running favorite.
"The main reason I'm writing this review is to warn others
about the trio of purees."
I'm already deeply invested.
"While the pesto-y member of the trio is okay,
the smoked hummus dip literally tasted like cigarettes.
I would not recommend this to my worst enemy..."
Though, I love the idea of someone recommending dips to their enemies.
"Definitely in the top 5 worst things I've put in my mouth ever.
Also, it was so... thick."
Now, I don't know what happened with this one,
but it definitely took an erotic turn about halfway through,
and just slowly degenerated into some kind of puree erotica.
I don't know if they were wearing a robe when they wrote it and it fell open
at some point, and they're like, "I'm going in a different direction."
Yeah, Yelp one-star reviews. Check 'em out.
Another thing...
You know, as a comedian, you get a lot of feedback online.
Sometimes people are nice, but other times they're like,
"Instead of doing comedy, I wish you were made of bees."
You know? Or whatever it is.
This is one of the meanest comments I've gotten.
"Jesus Christ. You're perhaps the ugliest human on the planet,
but then again, I haven't left the planet."
Again. I enjoy this one because there's an introspective shift.
Where he's like, "You're ugly," but then, "What have I done with my life?"
And I do love a troll that's not afraid to self-reflect.
This next one is an Instagram comment that continues to haunt me.
I still have no answers.
She just writes, "That's so true, Doug."
Who's Doug?
Who is Doug, Carol?
We need answers, and we're never gonna get them.
Then that leaves me to my favorite type of communicating online,
which is one-on-one. Does anyone text with their parents?
Okay. Did anyone teach their parents how to text?
All right. Seems like it's going good, based on the two people who clapped.
I taught my mom how to text. I feel like she made very quick progress,
which I just wanted to detail in brief.
She started out writing texts like emails.
My nickname, "apps," would be the subject in bold.
Then she'd start a message.
"Hope Nashville was fun. When we got married, Dad would--"
And then she would just get tired and walk away from the phone.
This is all we ever got of this one.
"When we got married, Dad would--"
I'm like, "Oh, it sounds like Dad. It's classic...
Classic Dad move."
Then she started using it more practically.
This is when we were in the museum.
She wrote, "Tell me before you go to next floor.
I'm with Picasso."
So I write, "Should we meet at the exit in seven minutes?"
And then, within seconds, she responds,
"Already on ground floor and hungry please."
Apparently, my mom moves through art museums at raptor-like speeds.
With an insatiable need to feed.
I think food just makes her very antsy. One time, I got these back-to-back...
"Apps, I bought you a sandwich at Blossom.
Did you get my message about sandwich?"
She needs to move the product.
Then she got really advanced.
One day, she just...
straight-up, sent a blurry photo of the moon...
with no context.
Except, an hour later, this came in,
"Bigger and brighter moon today, lovelies."
Now, I don't know if this means my mom is now amateur weather reporting,
or this is the first sign she's becoming a witch, but either way...
I'm here for it.
She also was author of this:
"Remember, I told you about the man with the funny first name?
Please don't share with anyone."
Like, "That's not fair.
You know what I do.
This is sabotage to the first degree."
I don't know how many people are familiar with the iPhone handwriting function?
Definitely wasn't made with her in mind, but one day this line just comes in...
to my sister and I. And my sister is not going to let it go,
so she just writes, "What is that line for?"
Definitely a reasonable question.
And I guess my mom took an improv class at some point 'cause she was ready.
She just responded, "That is life, however you want to interpret it,
it keeps going."
I was like, "Oh, man. Game, set, and match.
You win that one."
And you know, you're like,
"Your mom's pretty advanced. Where does your dad fall in this?"
He's a little more limited.
Started out writing texts like this... That was sort of a classic from him.
And you know, he's not a man of many words, so that was a lot for him.
Then he sort of evolved into, like, a mild interrogation.
"Like what,"
is sort of phase two. And now he can write a full message.
"Hey Apps, what time can we expect to have the fun of your company?
Will help plan our day better."
Unfortunately, the emojis don't always match the tone of the message.
This is some kind of fear, love combination.
I guess you could argue most love comes from fear, so,
really, he's quite deep.
And that leads me to my last favorite thing, which is...
online dating.
And, you know, I said I'm in a relationship now.
I did serve several sentences online.
I was on a lot of sites: Match, OkCupid, Yelp, as I said earlier.
And, you know, I didn't click with anyone, but I was, like, there were several men--
I don't want their voices to be lost.
Where else are they going to be represented in society?
So, these are just some up-and-comers you should look out for.
This guy just wrote, "Come smoke weed."
Sent on Christmas.
I was like, "Jesus, is that you?"
That's very generous.
This was a bio that left me reeling.
"I'm a man looking for more than most men are,
which is someone who wants the same, but wants to have fun getting there."
Which makes no sense. Just definitely a riddle
from a bridge troll.
And then he continues, "I am a work alcoholic."
Okay, well, that's a lot to share right away.
I'm not sure we're there yet...
but thank you for being vulnerable.
I got a lot that were puzzling. I got this,
"A time may come when I can't smile anymore,
but don't worry about me, I know what to do."
I was like, "Okay. Then you seem good without me.
I don't think you need me at all in this equation."
Some of them are not as nice.
I got this, "Do you work out in the gym? If no, please don't reply."
Probably good either way.
This one. "Do you sweat a lot?"
Sent before 9:00 A.M. I was like, "This guy is ready to meet the one."
Some of them are whimsical.
One time, I just got a cat, landed on a keyboard.
But what I liked was that he kept messaging me,
and then eventually shared his name.
"Justin."
I was like, "Get at me, Justin. I like your style."
And then, of course, you can't leave out the creeps.
This is one of the more terrifying ones I've gotten.
"Hi. I am intrigued by your unique, wholesome sensuality.
Your sexy mouth, adorable smile, perfect cinnamon skin, and petite figure
culminate in a singular, stunning beauty."
I know. It's like, "This robot learned how to write."
He then continues,
"I'm looking for someone sweet, cute, sexy, and smart for brunch dates..."
Get ready.
"And to cuddle and fuck."
"To cuddle and fuck."
It's like, "If I lost you with the cuddle, don't worry there's more." I'm like...
Still worried. And then how do you end such a masterpiece?
Very simply.
"I'm Jerry. Let's chat."
I love that after writing all that, he's like, "Bring it home strong.
Who can resist a Jerry?"
Apparently, most of the women on the site.
That one's horrible, but this is, by far, the most disturbing one I've ever gotten.
He just writes, "I'm picturing you on the edge of the bed in front of me,
getting certain points on you to radiate slight pain and heat
as you see me before you."
Yeah. So, let that wash over you.
But, in his defense, I was using this as my profile photo.
Which probably also explains, "Do you sweat a lot."
And I believe that brings us to our last slide.
I just wanted to end with a quote.
"When it comes to digital communication,
never be afraid to ask the tough questions.
As a wise man once said, "Like what?"
Thank you, guys, so much! Thanks for being so nice!
Thank you!
["She's Out of Her Mind" by blink-182 plays]
♪ She's a-a-a-antisocial ♪
♪ A-a-a-antisocial ♪
♪ A-a-and she's an angel, yeah ♪
♪ I'm in deep with this girl But she's out of her mind ♪
♪ She said, "Babe, I'm sorry, but I'm crazy tonight" ♪
♪ She got a black shirt, Black skirt ♪
♪ And Bauhaus stuck in her head ♪
♪ I'm in deep with this girl But she's out of her mind ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ We all need something to live for ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ We all need something to live for ♪
♪ She said I let her down, let her down I no longer dream ♪
♪ Of anything anymore ♪