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<i>[announcer] </i>Please welcome
the very funny Aparna Nancherla.

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{\an8}<i>["She's Out of Her Mind"</i>
<i>by blink-182 plays]</i>

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<i>♪ She's a-a-a-antisocial ♪</i>

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{\an8}<i>♪ A-a-a-antisocial ♪</i>

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{\an8}<i>♪ A-a-and she's an angel, yeah ♪</i>

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<i>Thank you!</i>

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<i>How are you guys doing?</i>

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<i>Great! Oh, man!</i>

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<i>Thank you!</i>

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<i>I feel pretty good.</i>

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<i>I recently celebrated</i>
<i>a one-year anniversary of a relationship.</i>

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<i>Thank you for not clapping.</i>

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<i>No. I noticed the hesitation. Go with it.</i>

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<i>A year is too soon.</i>

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<i>People are like,</i>
<i>"I've been in a longer relationship</i>

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<i>with my Brita filter, you know?</i>

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<i>I haven't changed mine in 7, but...</i>

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<i>I am, what you would call,</i>
<i>a rescue. Like...</i>

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<i>My boyfriend did find me</i>
<i>at a kill shelter, so...</i>

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<i>It was really only a matter of time,</i>
<i>but it's fine.</i>

21
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<i>It's fine 'cause he's always like,</i>
<i>"She saved me."</i>

22
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<i>You know? So...</i>

23
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<i>feels like everyone knows their role</i>
<i>in the relationship.</i>

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<i>I am kinda surprised I met someone.</i>

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<i>I am... what I would consider,</i>
<i>a socially awkward person,</i>

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<i>expresses itself</i>
<i>in a lot of different ways.</i>

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<i>Like, I wear my coat a lot indoors.</i>

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<i>Mostly 'cause I'm cold,</i>
<i>but it always sends the wrong message.</i>

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<i>Like, if you keep your coat on too long</i>
<i>at, like, a party or something?</i>

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<i>Someone is always like,</i>
<i>"You gotta take your coat off.</i>

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<i>You seem uncomfortable</i>
<i>and like you want to leave."</i>

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<i>I'm always like, "That is accurate."</i>

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<i>I try to be more outgoing.</i>

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<i>Like, sometimes I'll read</i>
<i>women's magazines.</i>

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<i>Anyone read ladies' mags?</i>

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<i>Okay. Everyone? Okay, great.</i>

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<i>Everyone's reading one right now...</i>
<i>Some of them are doing great work.</i>

38
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<i>Like, I feel like </i>Teen Vogue
<i>has been killing it.</i>

39
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<i>Yeah. I think they're our</i>
<i>new </i>Economist<i>, but...</i>

40
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<i>I'd say, the weirdest tip I've ever read</i>
<i>in one was very short and disturbing.</i>

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<i>This is all it said. It was just like...</i>

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<i>"To look more confident</i>
<i>when you're walking around,</i>

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<i>look like you have a sexy secret."</i>

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<i>Apparently,</i>
<i>some women's magazines are now just like,</i>

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<i>"Print this. See if it's words.</i>

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<i>You know? We don't know.</i>

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<i>We don't know anymore. We're tired."</i>

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<i>That's fair.</i>

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<i>Yeah, walk around</i>
<i>like you have a sexy secret.</i>

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<i>Don't get me wrong. Like, I urged everyone</i>
<i>to try it regardless of your gender.</i>

51
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<i>Like, it's a valuable thought experiment.</i>

52
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<i>It's like, when a beautiful actress plays</i>
<i>an ugly character.</i>

53
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<i>You're like, "Oh, I bet she grew a lot.</i>
<i>You know? Like, I bet...</i>

54
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<i>bet she learned a lot about herself."</i>

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<i>I'll always think of it</i>
<i>in the middle of the street</i>

56
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<i>and then sorta derail from there?</i>

57
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<i>I'll just be walking around,</i>
<i>I'll just be like,</i>

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<i>"Oh, oh yeah. Sexy-- Okay, sexy secret...</i>
<i>You got a sexy secret...</i>

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<i>I don't know. My underwear's...</i>

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<i>got a hole in it.</i>

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<i>But...</i>

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<i>but not in a good place."</i>
<i>You know? Like, it always...</i>

63
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<i>sort of deflates at the end?</i>

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<i>Sometimes I'm like, forget the sexy part,</i>
<i>that's advanced. Don't worry about that.</i>

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<i>Like, work on, the secret will build.</i>
<i>You know, life is a journey,</i>

66
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<i>you got to start small?</i>

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<i>So it'll be, "Okay. Secrets, secrets.</i>
<i>What are my secrets?</i>

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<i>I don't know... My...</i>

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<i>email password...</i>

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<i>isn't strong enough."</i>

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<i>Got to work on my secrets.</i>

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<i>I actually had a body language analyst</i>
<i>evaluate me recently and she said,</i>

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<i>"I don't generally like</i>
<i>to give negative feedback...</i>

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<i>so I'm not sure what to say to you."</i>

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<i>Yeah, you know.</i>
<i>So, I cried, walked out of the room.</i>

76
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<i>I was like...</i>

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<i>"Feels like this interaction is over,</i>
<i>if I'm reading it right.</i>

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<i>Just like me and the girl</i>
<i>from </i>The Grudge<i> against the world.</i>

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<i>A very... very misunderstood pair."</i>

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<i>Yeah. I don't know,</i>

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<i>I kind of feel like we're misunderstood</i>
<i>as a country right now.</i>

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<i>I've been traveling a lot</i>
<i>for comedy this year.</i>

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<i>And a lot of international travel.</i>
<i>It is a weird time to leave the States.</i>

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<i>'Cause every time you leave now,</i>
<i>it sort of automatically feels</i>

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<i>like an apology tour.</i>

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<i>You have to be like, "I'm so sorry.</i>
<i>I know. I'm sorry.</i>

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<i>Technically, he's not related to us.</i>

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<i>You know, we're working on it.</i>
<i>We got a team going.</i>

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<i>I'm retweeting, so...</i>

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<i>It's gonna be okay."</i>

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<i>I was in Canada for a while and</i>
<i>that was kinda nice 'cause I was like,</i>

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<i>"I'm sorry," and they're like,</i>
<i>"No, we're sorry."</i>

93
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<i>"Sorry. Sorry."</i>
<i>"Sorry. Sorry."</i>

94
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<i>So, that was kind of healing.</i>

95
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<i>I was, like, actually healing 'cause</i>
<i>then we all got free physicals,</i>

96
00:05:09,894 --> 00:05:11,479
<i>so it was a good week.</i>

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<i>It was a good week.</i>
<i>But... Yeah, I've been flying a lot.</i>

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<i>My flight landed recently</i>
<i>and something kind of strange happened.</i>

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<i>I was coming down the aisle,</i>
<i>the pilot was standing at the front...</i>

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<i>I never know what to say to them after.</i>
<i>You know, it's always like, "Thank you.</i>

101
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<i>Good game. Whatever."</i>

102
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<i>And then, I muttered something incoherent,</i>
<i>I kinda shuffled by.</i>

103
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<i>And then, I heard the woman behind me,</i>
<i>and she just leans into him and she goes,</i>

104
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<i>"I really enjoyed what you did</i>
<i>with the flight."</i>

105
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<i>Which I thought was strange,</i>
<i>but also kind of beautiful</i>

106
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<i>because what I had just thought was, like,</i>
<i>a standard take-off, journey, landing...</i>

107
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<i>She treated him like he was some kind</i>
<i>of experimental performance artist...</i>

108
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<i>of the air.</i>
<i>Where she's just like,</i>

109
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<i>"Honestly, what you did</i>
<i>up there was groundbreaking work.</i>

110
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<i>Like, that safety video is just</i>
<i>such a subversive meta-commentary</i>

111
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<i>on obedience.</i>

112
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<i>And...</i>

113
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<i>you made me rethink clouds."</i>

114
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<i>But, like, I can imagine her</i>
<i>not always being as nice.</i>

115
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<i>Like, she gets off a different flight</i>
<i>and she's like...</i>

116
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<i>"Okay. Wow...</i>

117
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<i>That was...</i>

118
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<i>derivative.</i>

119
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<i>It was a lot of the same old, same old.</i>

120
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<i>Ending... You know, super predictable.</i>

121
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<i>Like, I hate to say it, but felt like you</i>
<i>were on autopilot the whole time."</i>

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<i>I know. Nope.</i>

123
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<i>Sick pilot burn. Not nice.</i>

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<i>Not nice.</i>

125
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<i>I went through airport security</i>
<i>the other day.</i>

126
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<i>I went through that big cylinder,</i>
<i>where it has to make sure, like...</i>

127
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<i>each of your cells gets cancer.</i>

128
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<i>And...</i>

129
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<i>You know, it like, scans you</i>
<i>and then any part of you</i>

130
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<i>that's suspicious, like, lights up</i>
<i>on the agent's screen.</i>

131
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<i>And the agent, without even looking up</i>
<i>from the screen, he just goes,</i>

132
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<i>kinda to himself, he just goes,</i>

133
00:07:06,677 --> 00:07:08,471
<i>"Whoa! Right in the hoo-hah!"</i>

134
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<i>And I was like,</i>
<i>"Why did that section go off?"</i>

135
00:07:13,767 --> 00:07:16,312
<i>I was like,</i>
<i>"Did all my coins fall down there?"</i>

136
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<i>I was like, "Is it frowny?</i>
<i>Like, is it making</i>

137
00:07:19,773 --> 00:07:21,734
<i>that angry face it makes sometimes,</i>

138
00:07:21,817 --> 00:07:23,903
<i>when you could be perceived as a threat?"</i>

139
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<i>And then I was like, "Oh, no. I remember.</i>
<i>I replaced mine with a gun</i>

140
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<i>'cause those are less regulated.</i>

141
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<i>Oh!</i>

142
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<i>Oh, no!</i>

143
00:07:36,624 --> 00:07:37,791
<i>I made a statement.</i>

144
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<i>I think it was something I ate. But...</i>

145
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<i>I don't know, it's a weird time</i>
<i>in the world, I think it's fair to say.</i>

146
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<i>Like, you kind of know you live</i>
<i>in a weird period in history</i>

147
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<i>when you go to therapy</i>
<i>and your therapist is like,</i>

148
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<i>"Do you want to go first or should I?"</i>
<i>"You know, I maybe...</i>

149
00:07:54,183 --> 00:07:56,352
<i>maybe we should just talk</i>
<i>at the same time.</i>

150
00:07:57,895 --> 00:07:59,688
<i>Maximize on the session."</i>

151
00:07:59,772 --> 00:08:01,982
<i>Yeah, I am someone who has a lot</i>
<i>of anxiety,</i>

152
00:08:02,066 --> 00:08:05,402
<i>and it is weird</i>
<i>that anxiety is finally on message.</i>

153
00:08:05,486 --> 00:08:07,905
<i>Like, if you're an anxious person,</i>
<i>it's kind of like,</i>

154
00:08:07,988 --> 00:08:10,658
<i>"Well, you know,</i>
<i>this is what we trained for.</i>

155
00:08:10,741 --> 00:08:13,160
<i>This is... This is our Olympics."</i>

156
00:08:14,828 --> 00:08:18,624
<i>It's like, all those nights awake, like,</i>
<i>"It's showtime." You know?</i>

157
00:08:18,874 --> 00:08:20,584
<i>All the scenarios at once.</i>

158
00:08:22,836 --> 00:08:25,673
<i>Yeah, I am-- I have some anxiety.</i>
<i>I also have some depression.</i>

159
00:08:25,756 --> 00:08:27,091
<i>I kind of like to do--</i>

160
00:08:27,174 --> 00:08:29,885
<i>You know, anxiety for the week,</i>
<i>depression on the weekends.</i>

161
00:08:29,969 --> 00:08:31,637
<i>Like, they both have custody.</i>

162
00:08:33,514 --> 00:08:38,727
<i>But, I recently started a new medication,</i>
<i>and it's working, but has a side effect</i>

163
00:08:38,811 --> 00:08:41,146
<i>I didn't know about:</i>
<i>I get terrible dry mouth,</i>

164
00:08:41,230 --> 00:08:43,857
<i>which, you know, perfect</i>
<i>for this line of work, but...</i>

165
00:08:44,942 --> 00:08:49,113
<i>it did make me realize that a lot</i>
<i>of medications are like Greek myths.</i>

166
00:08:49,196 --> 00:08:51,282
<i>Like you, the mortal,</i>
<i>you get what you want,</i>

167
00:08:51,365 --> 00:08:54,577
<i>but there's always, like,</i>
<i>a cost you're not being told about.</i>

168
00:08:54,660 --> 00:08:55,786
<i>It's always like...</i>

169
00:08:55,869 --> 00:08:58,872
<i>"Oh, yeah. You'll be more fun</i>
<i>to hang out with...</i>

170
00:08:59,665 --> 00:09:02,084
<i>but whenever you try to talk to people...</i>

171
00:09:02,751 --> 00:09:05,004
<i>dust will fly out of your mouth!</i>

172
00:09:07,089 --> 00:09:09,466
<i>You're welcome."</i>

173
00:09:10,342 --> 00:09:12,803
<i>It's always like,</i>
<i>"Ah, you'll get what you want.</i>

174
00:09:13,762 --> 00:09:15,806
<i>You'll get what you want."</i>

175
00:09:16,765 --> 00:09:19,184
<i>And you're like,</i>
<i>"Why did you say it again, Doctor?</i>

176
00:09:21,395 --> 00:09:24,565
<i>In a weird tone that felt unnecessary."</i>

177
00:09:26,275 --> 00:09:29,612
<i>I don't know. As someone who lives a lot</i>
<i>in my head, I do...</i>

178
00:09:29,695 --> 00:09:32,656
<i>You know, I do take a lot of naps.</i>
<i>Fear naps, I call them.</i>

179
00:09:34,158 --> 00:09:37,536
<i>I love napping. Like, my one problem</i>
<i>with it is the waking up part.</i>

180
00:09:37,620 --> 00:09:40,289
<i>That's where you lose me a little bit,</i>
<i>only because it is</i>

181
00:09:40,372 --> 00:09:43,083
<i>the most disorienting feeling every time.</i>

182
00:09:43,167 --> 00:09:45,586
<i>Like, no one ever takes a nap</i>
<i>and then is just, like,</i>

183
00:09:45,669 --> 00:09:47,963
<i>"That was a great idea,</i>
<i>and now I feel great!"</i>

184
00:09:48,047 --> 00:09:51,008
<i>You know? Waking up from a nap</i>
<i>is always some version of this,</i>

185
00:09:51,091 --> 00:09:52,009
<i>where you're like...</i>

186
00:09:52,092 --> 00:09:54,094
<i>[yowls]</i>

187
00:09:58,432 --> 00:10:02,853
<i>Like you're always in a murder mystery,</i>
<i>where you play all the characters.</i>

188
00:10:04,146 --> 00:10:08,192
<i>You have to, like, piece things</i>
<i>back together based on clues around you.</i>

189
00:10:09,234 --> 00:10:11,403
<i>You're just like, "Who... who was I?</i>

190
00:10:14,740 --> 00:10:16,283
<i>Pizza crust.</i>

191
00:10:21,288 --> 00:10:22,289
<i>[blows on mic]</i>

192
00:10:22,790 --> 00:10:24,375
<i>Pizza crust.</i>

193
00:10:26,669 --> 00:10:28,379
<i>It's all crust, damn it.</i>

194
00:10:29,421 --> 00:10:32,216
<i>Suspect seemed pretty cool."</i>

195
00:10:33,258 --> 00:10:36,553
<i>Like, the only feeling I would compare</i>
<i>waking up from a nap to is, like,</i>

196
00:10:36,637 --> 00:10:40,391
<i>if you stopped to check your reflection</i>
<i>in a parked car on the street,</i>

197
00:10:40,849 --> 00:10:44,853
<i>and then, you suddenly realize</i>
<i>there's someone sitting in the car.</i>

198
00:10:45,521 --> 00:10:48,565
<i>It's like, "No! Why is this happening?</i>

199
00:10:49,692 --> 00:10:51,610
<i>Is my family okay?</i>

200
00:10:52,653 --> 00:10:55,864
<i>What is hair?" Like, none</i>
<i>of the questions make sense.</i>

201
00:10:57,199 --> 00:11:01,829
<i>How do you even get out at that point?</i>
<i>Are you just like, "I was never here...</i>

202
00:11:02,413 --> 00:11:04,581
<i>This was all a dream...</i>

203
00:11:06,250 --> 00:11:07,334
<i>No, you're weird.</i>

204
00:11:07,418 --> 00:11:10,045
<i>You were sitting in your car,</i>
<i>parked on the street.</i>

205
00:11:11,046 --> 00:11:13,549
<i>I was just making sure I still had a face.</i>

206
00:11:15,342 --> 00:11:16,260
<i>I win."</i>

207
00:11:18,178 --> 00:11:21,974
<i>Yeah, I also tend to spend a lot of time</i>
<i>on the internet distracting myself,</i>

208
00:11:22,057 --> 00:11:26,270
<i>and I'd wager to say, the internet is not</i>
<i>the friendliest it's been right now.</i>

209
00:11:26,520 --> 00:11:28,772
<i>You know, not a lot</i>
<i>of people know this about me,</i>

210
00:11:28,856 --> 00:11:31,942
<i>but I was not allowed</i>
<i>to watch slideshows as a child,</i>

211
00:11:32,025 --> 00:11:36,029
<i>so I developed a real adult need</i>
<i>to make PowerPoints, and...</i>

212
00:11:36,613 --> 00:11:40,701
<i>So, I think we have</i>
<i>our tech people coming out...</i>

213
00:11:41,577 --> 00:11:45,706
<i>You know, I travel with this thing and,</i>
<i>honestly, it's a burden at this point.</i>

214
00:11:46,582 --> 00:11:49,877
<i>It's like, who's the show really about?</i>
<i>You know?</i>

215
00:11:50,461 --> 00:11:53,046
<i>Okay, so we're just going</i>
<i>to jump right into it.</i>

216
00:11:53,172 --> 00:11:55,507
<i>This is just called, "You Had Me at YOLO."</i>

217
00:11:56,633 --> 00:11:59,094
<i>Enjoy the pun if you want to.</i>
<i>If you don't, you know,</i>

218
00:11:59,178 --> 00:12:00,888
<i>keep it to yourself, but...</i>

219
00:12:01,180 --> 00:12:03,807
<i>this is just going to be</i>
<i>"a tenuous exploration</i>

220
00:12:03,891 --> 00:12:07,686
<i>of how digital language exists</i>
<i>in an ever-evolving landscape,"</i>

221
00:12:08,103 --> 00:12:12,691
<i>which of course is a title I got</i>
<i>from a random TED Talk title generator.</i>

222
00:12:12,775 --> 00:12:13,650
<i>But...</i>

223
00:12:14,943 --> 00:12:18,906
<i>I feel like it did the trick, but...</i>
<i>in more casual terms, that is,</i>

224
00:12:18,989 --> 00:12:21,116
<i>"AKA ponderings such as.</i>

225
00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:25,037
{\an8}<i>Why do all the family emojis only come</i>
<i>in one skin tone?</i>

226
00:12:25,120 --> 00:12:28,081
{\an8}<i>But the blonde man emoji comes</i>
<i>in all of them?"</i>

227
00:12:28,165 --> 00:12:33,295
<i>Of course, it's nothing without the proof,</i>
<i>so here we have our various families...</i>

228
00:12:33,378 --> 00:12:36,256
<i>Beautiful, different combinations.</i>

229
00:12:37,049 --> 00:12:39,343
<i>Heartwarming, but also if you'll notice,</i>

230
00:12:39,426 --> 00:12:42,221
<i>little bit of an Aryan Nation starter kit.</i>

231
00:12:44,598 --> 00:12:45,516
<i>"Versus..."</i>

232
00:12:46,141 --> 00:12:47,142
<i>Why?</i>

233
00:12:49,144 --> 00:12:50,020
<i>Why?</i>

234
00:12:51,230 --> 00:12:52,231
<i>Why?</i>

235
00:12:53,565 --> 00:12:54,483
<i>Why?</i>

236
00:12:57,361 --> 00:12:58,695
<i>Why...</i>

237
00:13:00,531 --> 00:13:03,116
<i>Why does Emoji Corp think it's</i>
<i>so much more important</i>

238
00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:05,702
<i>to represent, like,</i>
<i>a multicultural boy band...</i>

239
00:13:07,246 --> 00:13:10,624
<i>than a beautiful, diverse family?</i>
<i>And, you know, I don't have the answers,</i>

240
00:13:10,707 --> 00:13:12,751
<i>but I do know who</i>
<i>can help us figure it out.</i>

241
00:13:12,835 --> 00:13:14,461
<i>These guys.</i>

242
00:13:16,463 --> 00:13:19,716
<i>And, you know, since I first made this,</i>
<i>they did put out more emojis.</i>

243
00:13:19,800 --> 00:13:23,345
<i>I guess the people spoke and they listened</i>
<i>because now we also have...</i>

244
00:13:23,428 --> 00:13:25,264
<i>these ladies.</i>

245
00:13:26,265 --> 00:13:30,602
<i>Thank goodness for equal representation.</i>

246
00:13:30,686 --> 00:13:32,521
<i>And of course, they're on the case.</i>

247
00:13:32,604 --> 00:13:33,564
<i>So...</i>

248
00:13:34,064 --> 00:13:36,149
<i>before I really deep-dive into stuff,</i>

249
00:13:36,233 --> 00:13:38,777
<i>I just wanted to give you</i>
<i>a little background on myself.</i>

250
00:13:39,152 --> 00:13:41,572
<i>Anytime you present your ideas</i>
<i>in this kind of forum,</i>

251
00:13:41,655 --> 00:13:43,657
<i>people should know something</i>
<i>about you, so...</i>

252
00:13:44,199 --> 00:13:47,244
<i>I am a "comedian, writer, have a website."</i>

253
00:13:47,327 --> 00:13:49,788
<i>Those all hold up in court.</i>

254
00:13:49,872 --> 00:13:54,501
<i>I am a "daughter, sister, friend, frenemy,</i>
<i>enemy, Emmy, Oscar."</i>

255
00:13:54,585 --> 00:13:57,170
<i>Kind of lost my train of thought</i>
<i>at the end of that one.</i>

256
00:13:57,254 --> 00:14:00,215
<i>Turned into more of a word association.</i>

257
00:14:00,757 --> 00:14:05,762
<i>I'm an "anxious depressive," as you heard,</i>
<i>"therapy regular, PMS enthusiast."</i>

258
00:14:05,846 --> 00:14:09,933
<i>Trying to reclaim that last one.</i>
<i>Bring it back strong.</i>

259
00:14:10,309 --> 00:14:13,061
<i>"Introvert, at times, violently quiet."</i>

260
00:14:13,145 --> 00:14:14,646
<i>That's honest.</i>

261
00:14:15,856 --> 00:14:20,277
<i>"Feminist, internet troll collector,"</i>
<i>hope to get them all. I'm very close.</i>

262
00:14:21,737 --> 00:14:24,239
<i>"Heterosexual, emphasis on rose."</i>

263
00:14:24,323 --> 00:14:26,700
<i>Now, I wasn't sure,</i>

264
00:14:26,783 --> 00:14:31,496
<i>which part of the word to go with,</i>
<i>in terms of being the least problematic,</i>

265
00:14:31,580 --> 00:14:34,541
<i>but I feel like I did okay and...</i>

266
00:14:34,625 --> 00:14:38,337
<i>some people might not get that one,</i>
<i>and it's not that good, so you're fine.</i>

267
00:14:40,631 --> 00:14:44,009
<i>"Cis-woman, barely confident</i>
<i>in explaining what 'cis' means."</i>

268
00:14:44,092 --> 00:14:45,886
<i>That is my privilege.</i>

269
00:14:48,138 --> 00:14:51,725
<i>I'm a "person of color, will round out</i>
<i>a college brochure photo."</i>

270
00:14:51,808 --> 00:14:54,102
<i>Happy to do that for you.</i>

271
00:14:54,811 --> 00:14:56,688
<i>"Closeted rascal."</i>

272
00:14:56,772 --> 00:15:00,359
<i>Still coming to terms with that one.</i>
<i>Please support my journey.</i>

273
00:15:01,026 --> 00:15:03,737
<i>And then, of course,</i>
<i>"Someone who uses quotes incorrectly."</i>

274
00:15:03,820 --> 00:15:06,782
<i>So, that is me at a glance.</i>

275
00:15:08,951 --> 00:15:09,952
<i>Thank you.</i>

276
00:15:12,579 --> 00:15:15,540
<i>I am mainly going to be talking</i>
<i>about language throughout this,</i>

277
00:15:15,624 --> 00:15:19,086
<i>but I assume there's some number heads</i>
<i>in the audience. Some data fiends.</i>

278
00:15:19,169 --> 00:15:21,922
<i>I just want to assure you</i>
<i>the research is there</i>

279
00:15:22,005 --> 00:15:23,966
<i>to back up everything I'm saying.</i>

280
00:15:24,049 --> 00:15:27,844
<i>You know, it's all there,</i>
<i>so don't get caught up in that, you know?</i>

281
00:15:27,928 --> 00:15:29,137
<i>As we're going along.</i>

282
00:15:29,221 --> 00:15:32,224
<i>So, I wanted to start with emojis.</i>
<i>Something I feel close to.</i>

283
00:15:32,307 --> 00:15:34,434
<i>These are a few I had questions</i>
<i>about, though.</i>

284
00:15:34,518 --> 00:15:37,813
<i>Clown face emoji.</i>
<i>I'm like, who requested this emoji?</i>

285
00:15:37,896 --> 00:15:40,190
<i>Who's like, "You know what my</i>
<i>conversations are missing?</i>

286
00:15:40,273 --> 00:15:41,733
<i>More nightmares."</i>

287
00:15:41,817 --> 00:15:42,651
<i>So, you're not...</i>

288
00:15:43,360 --> 00:15:45,445
<i>Not so sure about that one.</i>
<i>This one...</i>

289
00:15:45,529 --> 00:15:48,573
<i>I don't know if that's "hang low"</i>
<i>or "call me."</i>

290
00:15:48,657 --> 00:15:51,660
<i>All I know is, if I show up somewhere</i>
<i>and someone does this at me,</i>

291
00:15:51,743 --> 00:15:54,079
<i>especially, like, a white guy.</i>
<i>I gotta leave.</i>

292
00:15:57,165 --> 00:16:00,127
<i>This one croissant emoji...</i>
<i>Now, my main problem with this one,</i>

293
00:16:00,210 --> 00:16:03,213
<i>is there's no bagel emoji,</i>
<i>and how dare you have a croissant,</i>

294
00:16:03,296 --> 00:16:04,464
<i>but not a bagel.</i>

295
00:16:04,548 --> 00:16:07,300
<i>That being said, I'm okay</i>
<i>with croissants on the whole.</i>

296
00:16:07,384 --> 00:16:11,388
<i>And also, I realize, the "call me"</i>
<i>of bread if you think about it.</i>

297
00:16:13,098 --> 00:16:14,808
<i>These are a little more sinister.</i>

298
00:16:14,891 --> 00:16:17,978
<i>Third place medal. Why is this an emoji?</i>

299
00:16:19,688 --> 00:16:22,232
<i>I was, like, even</i>
<i>if you actually won third place,</i>

300
00:16:22,315 --> 00:16:24,818
<i>it feels like it would be rude</i>
<i>to send you this.</i>

301
00:16:26,236 --> 00:16:28,321
<i>This one. Raised back of hand.</i>

302
00:16:28,405 --> 00:16:31,575
<i>It was fine until you said what side</i>
<i>of the hand it is,</i>

303
00:16:31,658 --> 00:16:34,453
<i>and now everyone's calling their lawyer,</i>
<i>you know?</i>

304
00:16:34,536 --> 00:16:36,913
<i>And then this one. Lying face.</i>

305
00:16:36,997 --> 00:16:39,374
<i>I was like, someone</i>
<i>at Apple has an axe to grind,</i>

306
00:16:39,458 --> 00:16:43,712
<i>but I did realize these three together</i>
<i>would make a great break up text,</i>

307
00:16:43,795 --> 00:16:45,130
<i>if you think about it.</i>

308
00:16:45,672 --> 00:16:49,760
<i>It's like, "You had three chances</i>
<i>to put a ring on it, you liar, goodbye."</i>

309
00:16:50,677 --> 00:16:53,430
<i>It was kind of nice poetry that emerged.</i>

310
00:16:53,513 --> 00:16:57,017
<i>And then, there's an even more recent set</i>
<i>of emojis that are out.</i>

311
00:16:57,100 --> 00:17:00,812
<i>This one, man with beard, is so nice</i>
<i>that if you see a Mumford or a son</i>

312
00:17:00,896 --> 00:17:02,856
<i>on the street, you can finally...</i>

313
00:17:03,023 --> 00:17:05,275
<i>have the right symbol to express it.</i>

314
00:17:05,734 --> 00:17:06,735
<i>Black elf.</i>

315
00:17:06,818 --> 00:17:10,781
<i>I was like, why don't we work</i>
<i>on representing black women in real life,</i>

316
00:17:10,864 --> 00:17:12,657
<i>and then we can work on elves.</i>

317
00:17:13,366 --> 00:17:14,201
<i>Would be good.</i>

318
00:17:14,701 --> 00:17:15,994
<i>That would be good.</i>

319
00:17:16,870 --> 00:17:20,999
<i>And then this one...</i>
<i>I'm not sure what this is adding</i>

320
00:17:21,083 --> 00:17:22,793
<i>to the conversation...</i>

321
00:17:23,502 --> 00:17:26,088
<i>that this was not already addressing.</i>

322
00:17:28,548 --> 00:17:31,885
<i>But apparently, that eye had a lot to say.</i>

323
00:17:31,968 --> 00:17:32,803
<i>You know?</i>

324
00:17:33,970 --> 00:17:37,182
<i>So, I find emojis kind of uplifting.</i>
<i>Another thing.</i>

325
00:17:37,265 --> 00:17:40,769
<i>If you spend enough time on the internet,</i>
<i>occasionally you come across an opinion,</i>

326
00:17:40,852 --> 00:17:43,313
<i>and now anyone can express themselves.</i>

327
00:17:43,396 --> 00:17:48,026
<i>Facebook has a whole set of reactions,</i>
<i>just to comment on someone else's post.</i>

328
00:17:48,110 --> 00:17:51,446
<i>What I like about Facebook reactions</i>
<i>is that is actually a timeline</i>

329
00:17:51,530 --> 00:17:53,532
<i>of me logging on to Facebook.</i>

330
00:17:54,616 --> 00:18:00,038
<i>Start out in a good mood. Share some love,</i>
<i>have a laugh, start to get concerned.</i>

331
00:18:00,122 --> 00:18:02,499
<i>Then I'm like,</i>
<i>"What am I doing with my life?"</i>

332
00:18:02,582 --> 00:18:06,711
<i>And then by the end, I'm enraged</i>
<i>at my friend's new bangs for some reason.</i>

333
00:18:06,795 --> 00:18:07,963
<i>Don't know why.</i>

334
00:18:08,964 --> 00:18:10,715
<i>Yelp one-star reviews.</i>

335
00:18:10,799 --> 00:18:15,345
<i>They seem negative, but I find them, like,</i>
<i>a very untapped source of literature.</i>

336
00:18:15,428 --> 00:18:16,596
<i>This is a favorite.</i>

337
00:18:16,680 --> 00:18:20,350
<i>"Awful service. Was offered crack</i>
<i>on my way to the restaurant.</i>

338
00:18:20,433 --> 00:18:23,562
<i>House ferments tasted like soft garbage."</i>

339
00:18:24,729 --> 00:18:27,899
<i>I was like, I think this lady was actually</i>
<i>just in an alley,</i>

340
00:18:27,983 --> 00:18:30,819
<i>and she was like,</i>
<i>"This restaurant is terrible."</i>

341
00:18:33,572 --> 00:18:36,867
<i>Coffee drinkers are always good</i>
<i>for an angry review.</i>

342
00:18:36,950 --> 00:18:43,039
<i>"No! Not good! Please train your barista!</i>
<i>Cappuccino waaaaay too hot!</i>

343
00:18:43,123 --> 00:18:45,208
<i>No milk integration!"</i>

344
00:18:46,835 --> 00:18:50,255
<i>I didn't know what milk integration was</i>
<i>before I read this review,</i>

345
00:18:50,338 --> 00:18:53,091
<i>but afterwords, even I was enraged,</i>
<i>you know? I was like,</i>

346
00:18:53,175 --> 00:18:54,968
<i>"Why are you segregating your liquids?</i>

347
00:18:55,051 --> 00:18:56,136
<i>This is wrong."</i>

348
00:18:57,470 --> 00:18:59,973
{\an8}<i>This one. "Came to get coffee</i>
<i>and wait for a show</i>

349
00:19:00,056 --> 00:19:02,017
{\an8}<i>at Seattle immersive theater to start.</i>

350
00:19:02,100 --> 00:19:04,978
{\an8}<i>The place was closed,</i>
<i>so we figured we'd go down the street</i>

351
00:19:05,061 --> 00:19:08,398
{\an8}<i>to Seattle Grind and come back</i>
<i>to wait here (near the theater).</i>

352
00:19:08,481 --> 00:19:12,277
{\an8}<i>We get coffee and come back</i>
<i>and the place is open...</i>

353
00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:16,323
<i>What the hell kind of business is this?"</i>

354
00:19:19,075 --> 00:19:22,829
<i>Now, I like this one because, clearly,</i>
<i>this woman has never experienced</i>

355
00:19:22,913 --> 00:19:25,123
<i>any actual hardship in her life...</i>

356
00:19:26,249 --> 00:19:29,920
<i>that a small business turning its sign</i>
<i>from closed to open,</i>

357
00:19:30,003 --> 00:19:33,548
<i>just rocks the foundations</i>
<i>of everything she's ever known.</i>

358
00:19:34,758 --> 00:19:37,928
<i>And then this one is my all-time,</i>
<i>running favorite.</i>

359
00:19:38,011 --> 00:19:41,223
<i>"The main reason I'm writing this review</i>
<i>is to warn others</i>

360
00:19:41,306 --> 00:19:43,516
<i>about the trio of purees."</i>

361
00:19:43,600 --> 00:19:45,644
<i>I'm already deeply invested.</i>

362
00:19:46,561 --> 00:19:49,981
<i>"While the pesto-y member</i>
<i>of the trio is okay,</i>

363
00:19:50,065 --> 00:19:53,985
<i>the smoked hummus dip</i>
<i>literally tasted like cigarettes.</i>

364
00:19:54,069 --> 00:19:56,738
<i>I would not recommend this</i>
<i>to my worst enemy..."</i>

365
00:19:56,821 --> 00:20:00,158
<i>Though, I love the idea of someone</i>
<i>recommending dips to their enemies.</i>

366
00:20:01,743 --> 00:20:06,873
<i>"Definitely in the top 5 worst things</i>
<i>I've put in my mouth ever.</i>

367
00:20:07,624 --> 00:20:10,502
<i>Also, it was so... thick."</i>

368
00:20:13,171 --> 00:20:15,674
<i>Now, I don't know what happened</i>
<i>with this one,</i>

369
00:20:15,757 --> 00:20:20,720
<i>but it definitely took an erotic turn</i>
<i>about halfway through,</i>

370
00:20:21,137 --> 00:20:25,976
<i>and just slowly degenerated</i>
<i>into some kind of puree erotica.</i>

371
00:20:27,310 --> 00:20:30,397
<i>I don't know if they were wearing a robe</i>
<i>when they wrote it and it fell open</i>

372
00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:33,900
<i>at some point, and they're like,</i>
<i>"I'm going in a different direction."</i>

373
00:20:35,068 --> 00:20:37,195
<i>Yeah, Yelp one-star reviews.</i>
<i>Check 'em out.</i>

374
00:20:37,445 --> 00:20:38,280
<i>Another thing...</i>

375
00:20:38,363 --> 00:20:41,157
<i>You know, as a comedian, you get a lot</i>
<i>of feedback online.</i>

376
00:20:41,241 --> 00:20:43,743
<i>Sometimes people are nice,</i>
<i>but other times they're like,</i>

377
00:20:43,827 --> 00:20:46,371
<i>"Instead of doing comedy,</i>
<i>I wish you were made of bees."</i>

378
00:20:46,454 --> 00:20:47,747
<i>You know? Or whatever it is.</i>

379
00:20:48,331 --> 00:20:50,792
<i>This is one</i>
<i>of the meanest comments I've gotten.</i>

380
00:20:50,875 --> 00:20:54,546
<i>"Jesus Christ. You're perhaps</i>
<i>the ugliest human on the planet,</i>

381
00:20:54,629 --> 00:20:57,549
<i>but then again,</i>
<i>I haven't left the planet."</i>

382
00:20:57,632 --> 00:21:02,137
<i>Again. I enjoy this one</i>
<i>because there's an introspective shift.</i>

383
00:21:03,763 --> 00:21:08,143
<i>Where he's like, "You're ugly," but then,</i>
<i>"What have I done with my life?"</i>

384
00:21:09,894 --> 00:21:13,189
<i>And I do love a troll</i>
<i>that's not afraid to self-reflect.</i>

385
00:21:14,274 --> 00:21:17,736
<i>This next one is an Instagram comment</i>
<i>that continues to haunt me.</i>

386
00:21:17,819 --> 00:21:19,237
<i>I still have no answers.</i>

387
00:21:19,487 --> 00:21:22,157
<i>She just writes, "That's so true, Doug."</i>

388
00:21:22,240 --> 00:21:24,034
<i>Who's Doug?</i>

389
00:21:25,785 --> 00:21:28,747
<i>Who is Doug, Carol?</i>

390
00:21:28,830 --> 00:21:31,958
<i>We need answers,</i>
<i>and we're never gonna get them.</i>

391
00:21:33,043 --> 00:21:36,755
<i>Then that leaves me to my favorite type</i>
<i>of communicating online,</i>

392
00:21:36,838 --> 00:21:39,632
<i>which is one-on-one.</i>
<i>Does anyone text with their parents?</i>

393
00:21:40,383 --> 00:21:44,012
<i>Okay. Did anyone teach</i>
<i>their parents how to text?</i>

394
00:21:44,429 --> 00:21:49,351
<i>All right. Seems like it's going good,</i>
<i>based on the two people who clapped.</i>

395
00:21:49,976 --> 00:21:53,271
<i>I taught my mom how to text.</i>
<i>I feel like she made very quick progress,</i>

396
00:21:53,355 --> 00:21:55,857
<i>which I just wanted to detail in brief.</i>

397
00:21:55,940 --> 00:21:58,109
<i>She started out writing texts like emails.</i>

398
00:21:58,193 --> 00:22:01,404
<i>My nickname, "apps,"</i>
<i>would be the subject in bold.</i>

399
00:22:01,488 --> 00:22:02,822
<i>Then she'd start a message.</i>

400
00:22:02,906 --> 00:22:06,159
<i>"Hope Nashville was fun.</i>
<i>When we got married, Dad would--"</i>

401
00:22:06,242 --> 00:22:09,788
<i>And then she would just get tired</i>
<i>and walk away from the phone.</i>

402
00:22:10,497 --> 00:22:12,540
<i>This is all we ever got of this one.</i>

403
00:22:12,624 --> 00:22:14,459
<i>"When we got married, Dad would--"</i>

404
00:22:14,542 --> 00:22:17,253
<i>I'm like, "Oh, it sounds like Dad.</i>
<i>It's classic...</i>

405
00:22:17,796 --> 00:22:19,297
<i>Classic Dad move."</i>

406
00:22:20,131 --> 00:22:22,133
<i>Then she started using it</i>
<i>more practically.</i>

407
00:22:22,217 --> 00:22:23,927
<i>This is when we were in the museum.</i>

408
00:22:24,010 --> 00:22:26,262
<i>She wrote, "Tell me before you go</i>
<i>to next floor.</i>

409
00:22:26,346 --> 00:22:27,847
<i>I'm with Picasso."</i>

410
00:22:27,931 --> 00:22:30,558
<i>So I write, "Should we meet</i>
<i>at the exit in seven minutes?"</i>

411
00:22:30,642 --> 00:22:32,852
<i>And then, within seconds, she responds,</i>

412
00:22:32,936 --> 00:22:36,731
<i>"Already on ground floor</i>
<i>and hungry please."</i>

413
00:22:38,483 --> 00:22:43,279
<i>Apparently, my mom moves through</i>
<i>art museums at raptor-like speeds.</i>

414
00:22:43,947 --> 00:22:46,366
<i>With an insatiable need to feed.</i>

415
00:22:47,742 --> 00:22:51,413
<i>I think food just makes her very antsy.</i>
<i>One time, I got these back-to-back...</i>

416
00:22:51,496 --> 00:22:53,540
<i>"Apps, I bought you a sandwich</i>
<i>at Blossom.</i>

417
00:22:53,623 --> 00:22:56,626
<i>Did you get my message about sandwich?"</i>

418
00:22:58,128 --> 00:23:00,755
<i>She needs to move the product.</i>

419
00:23:02,882 --> 00:23:04,592
<i>Then she got really advanced.</i>

420
00:23:04,676 --> 00:23:06,469
<i>One day, she just...</i>

421
00:23:06,553 --> 00:23:09,764
<i>straight-up, sent a blurry photo</i>
<i>of the moon...</i>

422
00:23:11,349 --> 00:23:12,934
<i>with no context.</i>

423
00:23:14,727 --> 00:23:17,230
<i>Except, an hour later, this came in,</i>

424
00:23:17,313 --> 00:23:20,233
<i>"Bigger and brighter moon today,</i>
<i>lovelies."</i>

425
00:23:22,485 --> 00:23:26,406
<i>Now, I don't know if this means</i>
<i>my mom is now amateur weather reporting,</i>

426
00:23:26,489 --> 00:23:30,452
<i>or this is the first sign</i>
<i>she's becoming a witch, but either way...</i>

427
00:23:30,535 --> 00:23:32,078
<i>I'm here for it.</i>

428
00:23:32,912 --> 00:23:34,998
<i>She also was author of this:</i>

429
00:23:35,081 --> 00:23:37,834
<i>"Remember, I told you about the man</i>
<i>with the funny first name?</i>

430
00:23:37,917 --> 00:23:39,377
<i>Please don't share with anyone."</i>

431
00:23:40,545 --> 00:23:42,130
<i>Like, "That's not fair.</i>

432
00:23:42,589 --> 00:23:43,923
<i>You know what I do.</i>

433
00:23:44,007 --> 00:23:47,302
<i>This is sabotage to the first degree."</i>

434
00:23:48,052 --> 00:23:51,681
<i>I don't know how many people are familiar</i>
<i>with the iPhone handwriting function?</i>

435
00:23:51,764 --> 00:23:56,978
<i>Definitely wasn't made with her in mind,</i>
<i>but one day this line just comes in...</i>

436
00:23:57,687 --> 00:24:01,441
<i>to my sister and I.</i>
<i>And my sister is not going to let it go,</i>

437
00:24:01,524 --> 00:24:03,985
<i>so she just writes,</i>
<i>"What is that line for?"</i>

438
00:24:04,819 --> 00:24:06,446
<i>Definitely a reasonable question.</i>

439
00:24:06,529 --> 00:24:10,450
<i>And I guess my mom took an improv class</i>
<i>at some point 'cause she was ready.</i>

440
00:24:10,533 --> 00:24:14,496
<i>She just responded, "That is life,</i>
<i>however you want to interpret it,</i>

441
00:24:14,579 --> 00:24:15,914
<i>it keeps going."</i>

442
00:24:18,583 --> 00:24:21,586
<i>I was like, "Oh, man.</i>
<i>Game, set, and match.</i>

443
00:24:21,669 --> 00:24:23,087
<i>You win that one."</i>

444
00:24:23,880 --> 00:24:25,006
<i>And you know, you're like,</i>

445
00:24:25,089 --> 00:24:27,592
<i>"Your mom's pretty advanced.</i>
<i>Where does your dad fall in this?"</i>

446
00:24:27,675 --> 00:24:28,843
<i>He's a little more limited.</i>

447
00:24:29,844 --> 00:24:34,474
{\an8}<i>Started out writing texts like this...</i>
<i>That was sort of a classic from him.</i>

448
00:24:34,557 --> 00:24:38,436
<i>And you know, he's not a man</i>
<i>of many words, so that was a lot for him.</i>

449
00:24:38,520 --> 00:24:42,106
<i>Then he sort of evolved</i>
<i>into, like, a mild interrogation.</i>

450
00:24:42,190 --> 00:24:43,316
<i>"Like what,"</i>

451
00:24:43,399 --> 00:24:46,819
<i>is sort of phase two.</i>
<i>And now he can write a full message.</i>

452
00:24:46,903 --> 00:24:49,614
{\an8}<i>"Hey Apps, what time can we expect</i>
<i>to have the fun of your company?</i>

453
00:24:49,697 --> 00:24:51,449
{\an8}<i>Will help plan our day better."</i>

454
00:24:51,533 --> 00:24:55,954
{\an8}<i>Unfortunately, the emojis don't always</i>
<i>match the tone of the message.</i>

455
00:24:56,454 --> 00:24:59,290
{\an8}<i>This is some kind of fear,</i>
<i>love combination.</i>

456
00:25:00,124 --> 00:25:02,794
<i>I guess you could argue</i>
<i>most love comes from fear, so,</i>

457
00:25:02,877 --> 00:25:04,712
<i>really, he's quite deep.</i>

458
00:25:04,796 --> 00:25:08,883
<i>And that leads me</i>
<i>to my last favorite thing, which is...</i>

459
00:25:08,967 --> 00:25:10,093
<i>online dating.</i>

460
00:25:10,176 --> 00:25:12,470
<i>And, you know,</i>
<i>I said I'm in a relationship now.</i>

461
00:25:12,554 --> 00:25:15,890
<i>I did serve several sentences online.</i>

462
00:25:16,558 --> 00:25:22,063
<i>I was on a lot of sites:</i>
<i>Match, OkCupid, Yelp, as I said earlier.</i>

463
00:25:23,481 --> 00:25:27,485
<i>And, you know, I didn't click with anyone,</i>
<i>but I was, like, there were several men--</i>

464
00:25:27,569 --> 00:25:29,279
<i>I don't want their voices to be lost.</i>

465
00:25:29,362 --> 00:25:31,489
<i>Where else are they going</i>
<i>to be represented in society?</i>

466
00:25:31,573 --> 00:25:34,909
<i>So, these are just some up-and-comers</i>
<i>you should look out for.</i>

467
00:25:35,493 --> 00:25:38,204
<i>This guy just wrote, "Come smoke weed."</i>

468
00:25:39,205 --> 00:25:41,416
<i>Sent on Christmas.</i>

469
00:25:44,586 --> 00:25:47,005
<i>I was like, "Jesus, is that you?"</i>

470
00:25:47,839 --> 00:25:48,965
<i>That's very generous.</i>

471
00:25:50,216 --> 00:25:52,176
<i>This was a bio that left me reeling.</i>

472
00:25:52,260 --> 00:25:54,429
{\an8}<i>"I'm a man looking</i>
<i>for more than most men are,</i>

473
00:25:54,512 --> 00:25:57,890
{\an8}<i>which is someone who wants the same,</i>
<i>but wants to have fun getting there."</i>

474
00:25:57,974 --> 00:26:00,393
<i>Which makes no sense.</i>
<i>Just definitely a riddle</i>

475
00:26:00,476 --> 00:26:01,853
<i>from a bridge troll.</i>

476
00:26:03,271 --> 00:26:05,732
<i>And then he continues,</i>
<i>"I am a work alcoholic."</i>

477
00:26:05,815 --> 00:26:08,943
<i>Okay, well, that's a lot</i>
<i>to share right away.</i>

478
00:26:09,360 --> 00:26:10,945
<i>I'm not sure we're there yet...</i>

479
00:26:12,113 --> 00:26:13,781
<i>but thank you for being vulnerable.</i>

480
00:26:14,490 --> 00:26:16,701
<i>I got a lot that were puzzling.</i>
<i>I got this,</i>

481
00:26:16,784 --> 00:26:19,037
<i>"A time may come</i>
<i>when I can't smile anymore,</i>

482
00:26:19,120 --> 00:26:21,331
<i>but don't worry about me,</i>
<i>I know what to do."</i>

483
00:26:21,414 --> 00:26:24,250
<i>I was like, "Okay.</i>
<i>Then you seem good without me.</i>

484
00:26:25,418 --> 00:26:27,837
<i>I don't think you need me at all</i>
<i>in this equation."</i>

485
00:26:28,254 --> 00:26:29,797
<i>Some of them are not as nice.</i>

486
00:26:29,881 --> 00:26:33,760
<i>I got this, "Do you work out in the gym?</i>
<i>If no, please don't reply."</i>

487
00:26:35,011 --> 00:26:36,179
<i>Probably good either way.</i>

488
00:26:36,721 --> 00:26:38,806
{\an8}<i>This one. "Do you sweat a lot?"</i>

489
00:26:39,307 --> 00:26:43,728
{\an8}<i>Sent before 9:00 A.M. I was like,</i>
<i>"This guy is ready to meet the one."</i>

490
00:26:45,521 --> 00:26:47,231
<i>Some of them are whimsical.</i>

491
00:26:47,315 --> 00:26:49,942
<i>One time, I just got a cat,</i>
<i>landed on a keyboard.</i>

492
00:26:50,902 --> 00:26:53,738
<i>But what I liked was</i>
<i>that he kept messaging me,</i>

493
00:26:54,030 --> 00:26:55,823
<i>and then eventually shared his name.</i>

494
00:26:55,907 --> 00:26:57,283
<i>"Justin."</i>

495
00:26:57,450 --> 00:27:00,495
<i>I was like, "Get at me, Justin.</i>
<i>I like your style."</i>

496
00:27:01,245 --> 00:27:03,665
<i>And then, of course,</i>
<i>you can't leave out the creeps.</i>

497
00:27:03,748 --> 00:27:07,001
<i>This is one</i>
<i>of the more terrifying ones I've gotten.</i>

498
00:27:07,085 --> 00:27:11,172
<i>"Hi. I am intrigued by your unique,</i>
<i>wholesome sensuality.</i>

499
00:27:11,255 --> 00:27:16,928
<i>Your sexy mouth, adorable smile,</i>
<i>perfect cinnamon skin, and petite figure</i>

500
00:27:17,011 --> 00:27:20,848
<i>culminate in a singular, stunning beauty."</i>

501
00:27:21,182 --> 00:27:24,060
<i>I know. It's like,</i>
<i>"This robot learned how to write."</i>

502
00:27:25,937 --> 00:27:26,896
<i>He then continues,</i>

503
00:27:26,979 --> 00:27:32,443
<i>"I'm looking for someone sweet, cute,</i>
<i>sexy, and smart for brunch dates..."</i>

504
00:27:32,527 --> 00:27:33,486
<i>Get ready.</i>

505
00:27:33,569 --> 00:27:36,447
<i>"And to cuddle and fuck."</i>

506
00:27:39,200 --> 00:27:41,369
<i>"To cuddle and fuck."</i>

507
00:27:42,704 --> 00:27:46,374
<i>It's like, "If I lost you with the cuddle,</i>
<i>don't worry there's more." I'm like...</i>

508
00:27:47,041 --> 00:27:49,877
<i>Still worried. And then</i>
<i>how do you end such a masterpiece?</i>

509
00:27:49,961 --> 00:27:50,795
<i>Very simply.</i>

510
00:27:50,878 --> 00:27:53,214
<i>"I'm Jerry. Let's chat."</i>

511
00:27:54,048 --> 00:27:57,176
<i>I love that after writing all that,</i>
<i>he's like, "Bring it home strong.</i>

512
00:27:57,260 --> 00:27:58,928
<i>Who can resist a Jerry?"</i>

513
00:27:59,011 --> 00:28:01,931
<i>Apparently, most of the women on the site.</i>

514
00:28:02,974 --> 00:28:06,561
<i>That one's horrible, but this is, by far,</i>
<i>the most disturbing one I've ever gotten.</i>

515
00:28:06,644 --> 00:28:10,022
{\an8}<i>He just writes, "I'm picturing you</i>
<i>on the edge of the bed in front of me,</i>

516
00:28:10,106 --> 00:28:13,609
{\an8}<i>getting certain points on you</i>
<i>to radiate slight pain and heat</i>

517
00:28:13,693 --> 00:28:15,570
{\an8}<i>as you see me before you."</i>

518
00:28:16,362 --> 00:28:19,365
<i>Yeah. So, let that wash over you.</i>

519
00:28:20,908 --> 00:28:25,204
<i>But, in his defense,</i>
<i>I was using this as my profile photo.</i>

520
00:28:27,206 --> 00:28:30,042
<i>Which probably also explains,</i>
<i>"Do you sweat a lot."</i>

521
00:28:31,377 --> 00:28:34,172
<i>And I believe that brings us</i>
<i>to our last slide.</i>

522
00:28:34,255 --> 00:28:35,631
<i>I just wanted to end with a quote.</i>

523
00:28:35,715 --> 00:28:37,717
<i>"When it comes to digital communication,</i>

524
00:28:37,800 --> 00:28:40,178
<i>never be afraid</i>
<i>to ask the tough questions.</i>

525
00:28:40,261 --> 00:28:43,306
<i>As a wise man once said, "Like what?"</i>

526
00:28:43,723 --> 00:28:46,350
<i>Thank you, guys, so much!</i>
<i>Thanks for being so nice!</i>

527
00:28:46,434 --> 00:28:47,518
<i>Thank you!</i>

528
00:28:47,602 --> 00:28:49,979
<i>["She's Out of Her Mind"</i>
<i>by blink-182 plays]</i>

529
00:28:50,646 --> 00:28:53,483
<i>♪ She's a-a-a-antisocial ♪</i>

530
00:28:53,566 --> 00:28:56,277
<i>♪ A-a-a-antisocial ♪</i>

531
00:28:56,360 --> 00:29:00,698
<i>♪ A-a-and she's an angel, yeah ♪</i>

532
00:29:01,574 --> 00:29:04,660
<i>♪ I'm in deep with this girl</i>
<i>But she's out of her mind ♪</i>

533
00:29:06,913 --> 00:29:10,166
<i>♪ She said, "Babe, I'm sorry,</i>
<i>but I'm crazy tonight" ♪</i>

534
00:29:11,751 --> 00:29:14,712
<i>♪ She got a black shirt,</i>
<i>Black skirt ♪</i>

535
00:29:14,796 --> 00:29:16,798
<i>♪ And Bauhaus stuck in her head ♪</i>

536
00:29:17,632 --> 00:29:20,676
<i>♪ I'm in deep with this girl</i>
<i>But she's out of her mind ♪</i>

537
00:29:22,678 --> 00:29:25,598
<i>♪ Oh, yeah ♪</i>

538
00:29:25,681 --> 00:29:28,267
<i>♪ We all need something to live for ♪</i>

539
00:29:28,351 --> 00:29:30,812
<i>♪ Oh, yeah ♪</i>

540
00:29:30,895 --> 00:29:33,105
<i>♪ We all need something to live for ♪</i>

541
00:29:33,189 --> 00:29:36,192
<i>♪ She said I let her down, let her down</i>
<i>I no longer dream ♪</i>

542
00:29:36,275 --> 00:29:38,277
<i>♪ Of anything anymore ♪</i>