Zoey: Baby milestones.
When everything you do is a wonder
and you're considered the most amazing, talented,
precious human being ever,
for doing pretty much nothing.
[ Toy rattles ]
Nomi: Come on.
Roll over, baby girl. You got it.
But as a mother, Nomi realized that when it's your baby,
those nothing moments are absolutely everything.
At 2 months, Luna laughed for the first time.
At 3 months, Luna got her first tooth.
At 4 months, Luna surpassed Vivek
in both real-world and Instagram popularity.
♪ You came just in time ♪
[ Ding! ]
Roll over, baby girl.
Come on, roll over. You got it.
[ Cellphone chimes ]
♪
But the one milestone Nomi never expected
came at 5 months...
[ Coos ]
...when Nomi heard from Luna's father,
who didn't even know his baby existed.
[ Cooing ]
♪
♪ Watch out, world, I'm grown now ♪
♪ I'm grown ♪
♪ Learn something new every day ♪
♪ I don't know, so I'mma feel my way ♪
♪ Got the weight of the world ♪
♪ On me ♪
♪ But no regrets, this is what I say ♪
♪ Watch out, world, I'm grown now ♪
♪ I'm grown ♪ ♪ You can tell me ♪
♪ My heart beating so loud ♪
♪ Mama, look, I'm grown now ♪
♪ I'm grown ♪
♪
Oh!
Daddy's back in town,
and he wants to take Mommy on a date.
So?
Have you responded yet?
Clearly, you know.
No, I have not.
So, um, why don't I just respond for you?
[ Chuckles ] Ana, knock it off, though. Really.
You know I'm not gonna go, I know I'm not gonna go.
But Phil's gonna be less than 2 miles away at Titanium.
Nomi, God is offering him up to you
on a greasy silver platter.
Yep, and I'm just gonna
send that platter right back into the kitchen.
Nomi, come on.
You need to know what type of person he is.
I mean, is he --
is he kind, is he lazy, hygienic?
Come on, aren't you just a little bit curious?
Frankly, never been less curious about anything.
Yeah, well, I think these details
are really important to know
about the father of your baby.
And I think you're making a huge mistake.
Okay, and I think you're driving me crazy, okay?
Look [Chuckles] if you want to go and, like,
get some closure or validation
or really what just seems to be pure entertainment,
you should go on a date with him.
Why would I do that?
Because you seem to think that knowing a few details about him
is more important than what I'm telling you
I know is best for my daughter.
Okay?
So, you know, go find out if he likes to floss
or share a beer with his dad, okay?
'Cause, after today,
we're never talking about Phil ever again.
♪
Okay. Great.
I'll go.
Great. Have fun.
Okay, you know what? Just so we're clear... Hmm.
...this isn't for my validation
or my entertainment.
This is for your daughter,
because whether or not you want to know,
someday she will.
And it would be nice if someone had those answers,
and that someone should be you --
the person who claims to be
putting her best interests first.
'Cause right now,
it -- it doesn't seem like you are.
♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Check me out ♪
♪
[ Cellphone swishes ]
♪ Unh, I space out like an Astro ♪
♪ And buss flows in both holes ♪
♪ Till it leak out your nose slow ♪
♪ Just consider me a natural ♪
♪ If you react slow ♪
Joey: What's up, Zo?
Look like you lost your best friend or somethin'.
No, uh, actually,
two of my friends are trying out for the Olympics,
and one of them is meeting the other one's baby-father,
but that one wants nothing to do with it.
I guess, long story short,
I'm here missing all of it, so...
Hmm.
You're just homesick. Yeah, a little bit.
Yeah, I get that.
Look, I miss a lot of big events,
being on the road.
I mean, I guess, you know,
the grass is greener wherever you at.
Like, when I'm home, I miss the road.
When I'm on the road, I miss my superstar daughter
who's outshining all of her talentless,
flatfooted friends in ballet class.
You know?
I mean, I guess what I'm really trying to say is,
the only thing you could really do
is pour yourself a drink and, you know,
just purge your feelings out to these guys,
your tour family.
[ Laughter ]
Well, then pour me a drink, fam-o,
'cause I have some purging to do.
Yeah? Mm-hmm.
[ Laughs ]
♪ And when mama see 'em in the lineup ♪
♪ When she point 'em out, she say, "Him and him" ♪
[ Indistinct conversations ]
♪
Ana: Hey!
Hey.
Are you, by chance, Phil?
Yeah. And you are?
Hi. I'm Ana [Chuckles] Nomi's roommate.
Oh, did she not tell you that my boyfriend and I
were supposed to be joining you guys here?
No, uh, I never heard from her,
so I figured she wasn't showing up at all.
Classic Nomi --
never tells you anything, just always keeps you guessing.
[ Giggles ] It's fun, right?
I don't know --
Well, guess it's just you and me
[Sighs] till these crazy kids show up.
♪
Vivek: Yo, why did you say you're ordering
red, white, and blue string lights and American flags?
Are we going to war?
Read the news, man.
Yo, I was actually trying to decorate your joint
for when we watch the Olympic trials tomorrow.
Yo, is Rochelle coming or not?
I have not gotten an RSVP from her yet.
Yeah, no, I would count her out for sure.
She's still a little hot that I told Zoey
about the whole Cal U loan stuff first, so...
What?! Yeah.
Well, you know how sensitive girls are.
Look, I just started smashing on the reg --
I'm getting pretty good -- but even I know that. Damn.
I did nothing wrong in the situation.
I-I-I saw Zoey a few hours after I got the offer.
It was on my mind,
and it just -- it came out.
Bro, regardless,
you took the biggest thing that was happening in your life
and shared it with someone who was not your girl first.
[ Sighs ] Not only not your girl,
but someone everyone knows you wanted to be your girl.
Desperately.
I mean, it was sad.
Pathetic. But hey, you do you, player.
As Phil patiently waited for Nomi to show up,
Ana dove in with her in-person interrogation technique.
How are you with money? Any debt?
Home foreclosures? Auto repos?
Do you have a criminal history? Arson? Manslaughter?
Public urination?
You know, it's been a while.
Are you sure that Nomi's still coming?
How do you register? Democrat?
Republican? Sex offender?
♪ I don't wanna waste no more time ♪
♪ I don't think you understand ♪
♪ I'm caviar ♪
♪ You don't get to dine and dash ♪
♪ I'm tired of ya ♪
♪ Show up at my door, like, who invited ya? ♪
♪ Miss me with that ego, 'cause I'm caviar ♪
Nomi!
What are you doing here?
I thought about what you said,
and you're absolutely right.
I should know more about Phil, for Luna's sake.
So, where is he?
Not here.
Did he stand me up?
No, no, no, he was here...
Uh-huh. ...and he was game
for answering a lot of real personal questions.
Great.
But then, um, I think there was, like,
a bit of a -- a tonnage issue,
so...he left.
Right.
I'm so, so sorry, Nomi. Hmm.
Well, way to have Luna's best interests at heart, Tía Ana.
♪
Hey.
Thanks for coming back.
I...think I owe you an apology.
If you didn't want to hang out,
you could've just hit me back and said so.
Instead of siccing some psycho friend on me.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, I don't know -- I don't know what to say.
Then why'd you ask me to come back?
Okay, to be honest, it took me a minute
to even get the courage to meet you here,
and she scared you off before I even got here, so...
Why would you need courage?
The last time we hung out, we had an amazing night.
Wait, "amazing night"?
I thought it was too many tequila shots
and your penis.
Well, I had no idea that you were that drunk.
I mean, sure,
that was the beginning and the end of the night,
but there was a lot of cool stuff
that happened there in between.
♪
So, just out of curiosity, um, what was the in-between?
♪
Hey.
♪
Um, thanks for meeting up.
Look, I know things have been a little icy between us
as of late, right?
So there's a few things
that I-I want to share with you, okay?
Just bear with me here.
Um...
"Sometimes I enjoy sitting down when I pee.
My favorite movie is 'Beaches.'
I never told my dad I love him.
I call my rattail Avery."
Or Dragontail, however I'm feeling on the day.
Um, there's also
some other embarrassing stuff in there, so...
I'm sorry, what is -- what is all this?
That is a list of things I have never told anyone.
You are now the first to know all of it.
♪
Thank you.
That's a really sweet gesture.
Yeah, look, I-I was giving the Zoey thing a lot of thought,
and clearly our friendship makes you uncomfortable,
and I-I just -- I never want to put you in a situation
that makes you feel like that.
You're my priority, okay?
And I-I...
From this point on, I won't...
let it happen...
again.
♪
[ Indistinct conversations ]
[ Spray can hisses ]
♪
[ Chuckles ] Hey.
Ooh, there she is.
Okay, what is up today?
Why is everyone saying that to me?
Because we all know you gave Joey's ding-a-ling
the full Zoey Johnson Styling Experience last night.
I gave his what the full what?
People saw you come out of his bus at 3:00 a.m.
Don't act like that's not peak ding-a-ling hours.
Um, not for me it's not.
I don't know how other people choose to allocate their time,
but first of all, he is my boss,
and those are his private parts!
That's insane.
No, what's insane is for you to be up at his bus all night
and expect no one to assume y'all were [bleep]
What are we supposed to think?
Y'all are bingeing reruns of "Family Matters"?
Everyone is always all up on his bus at 3:00 a.m.
Matter of fact,
you're always on his bus at 3:00, so...
Yeah, 'cause I'm [bleep] him!
So, now our entire tour family
thinks that I am, too?
Zoey, wake up. These people are not your family.
And walking off your boss' bus in the middle of the night
is a bad look, period.
You're a professional woman in the real world,
and you need to handle yourself like one.
[ Sighs ] So, what do I do now?
Oh, my God, this is too much.
You grow the [bleep] up or you get the [bleep] out.
♪
Got it.
Phil?
Are you still here?
Please tell me you didn't leave me to die in your aunt's house.
Okay, you can open your eyes.
Is this "Sixteen Candles"?
Yes.
This is exactly what you begged me to do last year.
I did? Yeah.
We were talking about our favorite movies,
and you said "Sixteen Candles" was yours,
and then you cried about --
Never had my dining-room table moment.
Hmm. Mm.
Well, then the crying ended up becoming
this really messy, like, snot-filled sob...
Oh. ...about breaking up with some old lady.
And so then we came in here,
and I gave you your dining-room table moment.
That is the most romantic thing anyone's ever done for me
that I don't remember.
[ Chuckles ]
It's okay.
What do you say?
You want to make a wish
and blow out the candles like you did last year?
♪
♪ Hope I ♪
♪ Wish I ♪
♪ Knew how ♪
♪ To start up time ♪
♪ Before we ♪
♪ Realize we're a scene from a movie... ♪
Phil, there's something I have to tell you.
♪ It's like we're swimming in the deep end ♪
♪ Breath away from drowning ♪
♪ No way we ain't going down ♪
So, after Nomi returned home
to relieve Luca of his babysitting duties
and detail the events of her evening,
he was left with only one question.
You smashed?
I know, I know. It's really, really, really bad,
but also, it was really, really, really, really good.
No, that's just all the way bad.
You had a one-night stand with your one-night stand
not telling him you birthed his child
from your first one-night stand.
I mean, it's poetic, but also very dark.
Like a haiku of mistakes.
So, are you saying that I shouldn't respond to the text
that he already sent me about hanging out tomorrow?
Out of the question.
If he finds out you've been
withholding this information from him
while continuing to date him,
he's gonna hate you.
You're right.
I can't see him again,
and I can't tell him about Luna.
I mean, he has his whole life ahead of him, you know?
Something about WWOOFing in New Zealand.
Who am I to take away that from him?
Exactly.
And I mean, Paul not knowing --
Phil. Agree to disagree.
Him not knowing is what's best for him,
and it's what's best for Luna.
And honestly...
it's what's best for me.
I mean, three parents
are way too many cooks in the kitchen.
And when we get into sleep training,
I don't want to start having a clash of philosophies.
♪
Indigo's words were a real gut punch.
I knew working in the real world was hard,
but I never questioned if I was ready for it.
In my time working for Joey...
[ Ding! ]
...I learned that the real world
is a tough and unforgiving place.
In that moment, I had to retun to my Cal U bubble
and the people I loved and needed more than anything.
Joey: Are you sure I can't get you to change your mind?
Yeah, I'm sure.
I just think I got in a bit over my head,
and apparently I have a little growing up to do.
And, you know, I really just can't stop thinking about
how much greener the grass is at home.
So...
Well, then that's where you need to be.
You know, I never grew up around grass for real.
Oh.
Just know you can always come back when you're ready.
Proud of you.
Thanks, boss.
No doubt.
Ah!
So, while I was returning home
from my difficult milestone of quitting my dream job,
the Twins were hoping to achieve their own milestone --
qualifying for the freaking Olympics!
This is what I always imagined for my man cave.
Just a bunch of dudes hanging out, drinking beers,
watching sports, shooting the shit, you know?
[ Chuckles ]
Right.
Female announcer: She is stuck in lane 1,
but this is her best race.
All right, good talk.
♪
[ Knock on door ]
Hey.
Uh, I was just about to head downstairs.
I'm trying to finish unpacking.
Oh, no, I'm -- I'm not staying.
I just came to help Doug set up his, uh, war decorations.
But I heard you were back in town
and I wanted to talk to you about something.
Okay. Uh, yeah, what's up?
Okay, so, uh, Rochelle.
You know Rochelle. I do know her.
Turns out that she has a bit of an issue with our friendship.
Which I totally get, totally fair.
So I think out of respect for her,
it's best that I, um...
you know, that I just -- I-I step back --
well, fall back a bit from you.
[ Scoffs ] Uh...
Yeah, the whole "fall back" thing.
Um...
No, I-I totally get it.
She talked to you, too? [ Chuckles ]
"Too"? Rochelle talked to you?
Me? W--
But it's just not -- not that big of a deal.
It was all good. It's -- It's all good. It's --
No, no, no, it's not "all good" that she said that to you,
and it's not "all good" that you didn't tell me.
Okay, dude, what was I supposed to say?
"Hey, Aaron, you know your girlfriend?
Well, she doesn't trust us to hang out with each other.
Aah!" Yeah.
Why couldn't you have said that?
It's not like there's anything going on between us.
Are you serious?
Are we gonna play this game?
Because at the beginning of the semester,
I told you I wanted to be with you to your face.
And so you know I actually kind of get it,
because if I was your girl, the last thing I'd want
is someone who's in love with my man sniffing around.
You're in what?
Ana: Everyone quiet down!
Quiet, quiet, quiet! The Twins' race is starting!
Quiet. Here, give me this.
All right, this is gonna be a good one.
-Let's go. -Okay.
[ All cheering ]
Why would you wait until I am in the middle of a relationship
to say something like that?
Well, God, how was I supposed to know
that literally one month after, uh, you kissed me,
that you were already gonna be with someone else?
Oh, as opposed to me sitting around waiting for you
for another three years? [ Sighs ]
Yeah, I could see how that would've thrown you off, Zoey.
Well, I'm here now.
♪ Don't say another word ♪
♪ Please be my everything ♪
♪ I want you to see ♪
[ Sighs ]
♪ Show me everything you want, what you need ♪
[ All shouting, cheering ]
♪ Moving way too fast, get close to me ♪
Zoey: As baby Luna would come to learn,
even after our first words, first steps,
and first days of school,
we never stop reaching milestones.
♪ I'm here to stay ♪
Male announcer: Just now for the final standings...
Zoey: Sometimes, they're the ones
we've worked towards our whole lives, side by side,
but only one of us achieves.
Sometimes they're the ones that catch us by surprise
and absolutely take our breath away.
♪ Unraveled 'fore your eyes ♪
♪ But you won't see the disconnect ♪
♪ Has me discontent ♪
♪
♪ Wishing our past could be our present ♪
♪ Got me talking to myself ♪
And sometimes, the most significant milestones,
the ones we use to right a wrong,
will alter the course of our lives forever.
I'm glad you changed your mind about hanging out.
Mm.
Okay, look, Phil,
there's something that I didn't tell you last night
because I was scared, but I should've told you,
and then I saw this note from my dad,
and that made me realize that --
Y-You know what?
The details actually don't really matter, I -- Yeah.
Nomi, what are you trying to say?
Um...
[ Smacks lips ]
I'm saying that I don't want to be the reason
that you miss out on
what could be your favorite part of every day.
I am beyond confused.
Um...Hmm.
This is your daughter, Luna.
♪
Oh.
So, not exactly what I imagined
for the first event in my man cave,
but hey, you know, we're still a bunch of dudes,
hanging out, eating chips, drinking beers.
But we can still shoot the shit.
Congrats, your girl made the cut.
She did. Yeah.
Sorry your girl didn't.
She did not.
Your girl made some fire guac.
She did.
Oh, so good, though.
Facts, bro. Every time.
It slaps.
So, you really kissed a dude?
I did.
I really did.
Huh.
All right, good talk.