Lance Armstrong, Martha Stewart, Tiger Woods,
and yours truly, Zoey Johnson.
What did all of us perfectly coiffed human beings
have in common besides our unprecedented good looks
and killer smiles?
We were all cheaters.
And as with most cheaters,
there comes a time when we all must face
the consequences of our actions...
And me?
Well, my consequences
had yet to be revealed,
but in less than 24 hours,
I would learn what big red stamp
would be slapped across my image
after cheating on my Chemistry final.
I'm so sorry.
Would you mind grabbing it for me?
But you know what? It was gonna be okay.
I mean, it's not like I'm facing...
Expulsion? Holy sh...
No.
And to make matters worse, it was Parents' Weekend.
And my dad, who was totally clueless,
wouldn't stop calling to plan our itinerary.
No.
I said no-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!
♪ Watch out, world, I'm grown now ♪
♪ I'm grown ♪
♪ Learn something new every day ♪
♪ I don't know, so I'm-a feel my way ♪
♪ Got the weight of the world on me ♪
♪ But no regrets, this is what I say ♪
♪ Watch out, world, I'm grown now ♪
- ♪ I'm grown ♪ - ♪ You can tell me ♪
♪ My heart beating so loud ♪
♪ Mama, look, I'm grown now ♪
♪ I'm grown ♪
I mean, I don't know what to say.
I'm screwed. Like, I may as well pack my bags,
look for a single in Pacoima,
and a full-time job at, like, Pinkberry-type screwed.
Honey, you're not that screwed.
She's also not getting hired at Pinkberry.
Do you know how hard it is to get a job there?
Our whole family tried to work there for three straight years.
Bitch thinks she can just walk in
- and be a fro-yo ambassador. - No.
- What? - Anyways, I meet with the board
in less than 24 hours.
I mean, I could be gone.
- Great. - Oh.
It's your dad... Throwing up the "W."
No.
If there's anyone who deserves to be shushed, it's that man.
Cold. She just shushed her own father.
He won't stop harassing me about Parents' Weekend.
So shouldn't you just answer and tell him not to come?
Yes, Sky, I should.
Tone.
Sorry.
Um, that's a good idea.
I should, but I can't, because he's gonna hear my voice
and immediately know that something's wrong,
and then I will be extra screwed.
I just have to pull myself together first.
So, on that, I need a drink.
- We all need drinks. - Yeah.
You know, Zo, you actually might want to tell him
not to come this weekend just for his own personal safety
because it's about to go down.
What are you talking about?
All right, you guys know how I've been going
to Professor Hewson for some guidance and mentoring?
- Yeah. - Mm-hmm.
Okay, so, thanks to her,
I think I'm finally ready to tell my parents
that I'm bi this weekend.
- Oh, my goodness. - That... That's huge.
And they probably won't take it that hard
- 'cause you're only kinda gay. - Mm-hmm.
Okay, not how that works.
- We're drinking? - Yeah. Mm-hmm.
Thank you.
To Nomi's big moment... and to my last day at Cal U.
- What? - Oh, don't say that.
Honestly, you are all the best friends
I could've ever asked for.
Like you.
I never thought that a woman
with such a cynical attitude would be the Clyde to my Bonnie.
Jazz and Sky, y'all are my sisters,
and just like my real sister,
you are cute and independent and, um... really scary.
- Aww. - Aww.
And you.
We have come so far.
You know, you're my literal "ride or die."
I'd trust you with my life.
Bring it in. Come on.
Bring it in.
That's so sweet.
All right, enough with, like, the "Army Wives" monologue. Let's...
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Mm.
And, look, you're not getting kicked out anyway.
All you have to do is go in there
and answer every single question the same...
"I do not recall."
It worked for, um, Bill Clinton, Jeff Sessions...
- Justin Bieber. - Lil Wayne.
Those hot-ass Menendez brothers.
- Hmm? - Hmm?
- What? - Oh.
You know what? All right.
I think I am ready to call my dad.
- You got it. - Yeah, it'll be fine.
- Yeah, just breathe. - Hey, Dad.
- She's screwed. - Mm-hmm.
No. No, no, no, no.
Nothing is wrong, Dad. I promise.
It's just that, I mean, Parents' Weekend feels a bit triggering.
See? The way that you're crying right now,
that's the way I'm crying...
on the inside.
So how about we just skip the weekend of heartache
and remember each other how we are?
You know what? You'll get there. Love you, Dad. Bye.
First I cheated on my Chem final,
and now I'm lying to my emo-ass dad.
Who am I?
Who are you?
Great. Everybody's out here enjoying Parents' Weekend,
and we're sitting here abandoned like a car
on Cousin Speedy's front lawn.
Y-Your pops isn't coming? Dude comes to everything.
Not since Jazz's deep dive into Thot-land on the 'gram
and I've been disowned by association.
Relax. Daddy and I will resolve our issues eventually.
Eh, spoken like a true future stripper.
Guys, if it's any consolation,
Parents' Weekend is totally overrated, okay?
My parents never come.
You think that's because maybe they don't love you?
What? No. Correction. My parents adore me.
It's just, freshman year, they had this little Ensenada cruise
they booked the day I left home.
Then sophomore year, the family dog got sick.
You know Steve. Gotta take care of Steve.
You know Steve. You've seen pictures.
Um, and then this year, they, uh...
you know... pbht...
I got to make a quick call.
Okay. Do you.
Your parents abandon you, too?
Nah. I didn't even tell them about it.
Parents' Weekend is big business for me.
Lots of stressed-out students
and a lot of dads with erectile dysfunction.
Oh, my God!
What did Tyrese do now?
No! Somebody hacked my IG account!
Before we begin, I feel it's only right
that I recuse myself from this matter.
The defendant and I are actually blood relatives
who share the same exact genetic makeup.
And as such, I find it impossible for me
to remain impartial in this matter.
Really?
The one time this moron could actually help me,
and he's bouncing.
Apologies for my attire.
Me and some buddies took an impromptu trip
down to Lake Havasu last night,
where my boy Deante took a lighter to my work pants.
Now... if you'll recuse me.
You did this, Laura.
You voted him dean.
You know, actually, on second thought,
he should just leave and never, ever come back.
Ms. Johnson,
you're being accused of cheating on your final exam.
As I sat there watching the board,
all I could see were the faces...
the faces of those who I knew I'd disappoint
if I couldn't fix this.
What the [bleep] she doing?
And the faces of the people I would miss if I got expelled.
And then, suddenly, I remembered Nomi's advice.
Remember, "I do not recall."
"I do not recall."
Is there anything you would like to say on your behalf?
Ms. Johnson?
Uh... mm-hmm?
Is there anything you'd like to say on your behalf?
I do not re...
There isn't.
I-I cheated.
So that afternoon, I discovered what my consequence was
after all, and it wasn't facing that ethics board.
It was facing myself.
And the truth was, I didn't like the person I was becoming.
- Ms. Johnson? - Yeah?
- We're ready for you. - Okay.
Wow. This really is nice.
Sure. It's no Yale, but at least it's just as expensive.
Mm-hmm.
Ooh, there are so many attractive young men here...
- Mom. - Calm down, Sue.
We've talked about this at counseling.
Fine.
So... have you met anyone special?
Actually, um, I have.
Please tell me he's Jewish.
I don't know what she is, Mom.
I cannot believe this. All my posts are gone.
I can't even sign in.
Here, give me the phone. I've dealt with this before.
The haters are constantly hacking V-dig.
- What's your password? - eatthebootylikegroceries_1.
What?
It gets weird when she's on the phone with the bank
and has to verify.
You know what else is weird now that I think of it?
My parents didn't even help me move into college.
Like, no care packages, no Costco runs, nothing...
You.
It was probably his hatin' ass who did it.
- Excuse me? - Her Instagram page.
Somebody hacked it.
I ain't looked at your ratchet-ass page
since we broke up.
I don't even follow you no more.
You unfollowed me?
I understand how you feel, 'cause my parents unfollowed me
in real life, so...
Damn it.
Wow. You have taken pettiness to a whole other level.
I did not hack you, but whoever did did you a favor
- by taking down them thirsty-ass posts. - You see right there?
That's the type of pettiness
that really makes me think you did it.
Yo, I said I didn't do it.
But now you're making me feel like I should've.
- Oh, really? - Yes.
- I did not hack your page. - Yes, you did.
Why you lying?
- Hey. - Hey, quick question.
Um, have your parents come to every Parents' Weekend?
It's not like a-a thing, is it?
Yeah, my parents come to everything.
Ugh, my mother brought me enough lechón
to feed me for a month.
They love me.
Right, right.
Is this what you called me about?
No. Yeah, I was just calling to ask about Zoey.
How'd that go? Like, did you tell her yet?
Not yet.
But I will do it tonight.
Okay, well, let me know how that goes,
and congratulations on your parents loving you, too.
Uh, thank you?
Guess what. I did it, babe.
- I beat the system. - Nice. What happened?
Life is good for both you and me.
Like, okay, sure, I'm on academic probation,
and, you know, I will have to take Chemistry again,
but you know what?
I am still a Cal U Titan.
Congrats. Okay, Titan.
That is probably Postmates
because I ordered us some celebratory pho.
Coming, coming, coming.
Hey. Hey, hey.
You want to tell me what the hell is going on?
What the pho...
Why after Charlie called me
to tell me about his Lake Havasu trip
did he also tell me that you are on academic probation?!
Wow. This how the young college kids living these days?
- Damn. - What the hell?
Make me want to re-enroll, pull a black Rodney Dangerfield.
Where do you keep your ice?
Right down there, and, Dad, honestly everything is fine.
They put me on academic probation
instead of expelling me because I came clean
and told them I was cheating on my Chem final...
What?
Holy crap.
Did I just Fredo Corleone myself?
Zoey, who are you? Huh?
Oh, calm down, Dre.
I can remember a time when I got a call from Howard
about a young, dumb freshman who had just got caught
buying a term paper from some white kid.
First off, Gary grew up in a black neighborhood,
and secondly, he seemed to have a grasp
of the Harlem Renaissance.
Whatever it was, cheating is a necessary life skill.
I mean, how do you think most successful people get ahead anyway?
But if you're gonna cheat, Zoey, don't get caught.
- That's bush league. - Pops.
- Yeah? - You're not helping the situation.
I'm sorry, Dre. I just don't think it's as big
a "situation" as you do.
Hey, baby. Are these the Postmates guys?
Oh, now we got a "situation."
- Hey. - Hi.
- Guess what? - What?
Came out to my parents.
- Yep. Can you believe it? - Wow.
I mean, my dad thinks it's just a phase.
My mom, like, keeps asking me if I'm gonna leave school
to go to Broadway, but whatever 'cause I feel, like, amazing.
Thank you so much.
You have no reason to thank me.
I didn't even do it, by the way, because I felt like I had to.
I did it because you made me realize that I wanted to.
I mean, like, the events that you took me to,
all the talks that we had, I mean, the connection between us.
I'm happy for you, Nomi.
Thanks.
Would you mind if I... if I gave you a call tomorrow?
Yeah, totally. For sure. Call me whenever you're free.
Oh.
Sorry. Did, I, um... Did I interrupt something?
Yeah.
Hey, hey, Nomi. Nomi, come here.
No, you know what? It's fine.
I obviously misinterpreted your feelings,
seeing as there's another woman in there
with her legs kicked up, drinking what appears to be
a very light Pinot Noir.
You didn't misinterpret anything.
I thought you understood the reality of this.
I understand that we're both adults.
And we can do whatever we want.
Absolutely. In the real world, yes.
But our situation, it's not realistic.
People find out, I get fired,
and how am I supposed to defend myself?
Uh, yeah, I don't know.
I don't know.
Shit.
Yeah, I guess you couldn't.
Back in the day when I went to college,
men were not allowed in ladies' rooms past sundown.
Winters were hard.
You didn't go to college, Pops.
That's 'cause I was out there risking my life in 'Nam.
You also didn't go to 'Nam.
Man, [bleep] you. Listen here.
This young bohemian is up in here
living his best life with my granddaughter.
- Mm-hmm. - Um...
Well, with all due respect,
I don't live here.
- I have my own spot. - He does.
And when was the last time you slept at your "spot"?
- Like, what was it, yesterday? - Pfft. Like, September.
- Yesterday, yesterday. - Yesterday.
What's that behind your ear, dawg?
Is that a cigarette?
Oh, pfft, nah, it's nothing.
It's actually, um, a-a-a hearing aid
because Luca happens to be hearing-impaired.
See, they know about your hearing...
Zoey!
Come on.
Look at me.
Who are you?
- Dad, I'm so sorry about this whole... - Stop.
Your mother and I have worked hard
to make sure you have everything that you need.
- I know. - Hell, we've given you tons of stuff
that you don't need.
And looking around at all this,
I realize... that I've made your life too easy for you.
What? I... I'm gonna get better and do better, Dad.
- You'll see. Next semester, I'll be... - No, I won't.
I've seen enough, Zoey,
and I'm done.
W-What does that mean?
It means that if you want to stay at Cal U, great.
But this lifestyle, I can't bankroll anymore.
I'm cutting you off, Zoey.
No, if you came here to accuse...
I-I know who hacked my account.
If your nasty ass came to this page to stalk my daughter,
well, you in the wrong damn place.
But if you came to inquire about some delectable
South Korean BBQ and collard greens,
you exactly where you should be.
Mmm.
That was your pops?
- Yeah. - Dude is wild.
I like his style, though.
- So... - So... Uh, you.
Uh... I'm sorry for accusing you of hacking my page.
I guess I'm sorry, too.
Unfollowing you was kind of petty.
Speaking of which, if you unfollowed me,
how did you know my "thirsty-ass posts" were taken down?
A-A dude might've made a little burner account
- to check your page from time to time. - Oh. Okay.
But I still think your dad did you a favor.
Yo, you're too smart and talented.
You're doper than that.
- Thank you. - Yeah.
So, um... see you around.
- Hope so. - Yeah, see you.
- Hey. - Uh, hey.
I got your text about academic probation.
That's great. Oh, wait. Wait, wait, wait.
Where are you going? I was hoping to talk to you.
I'm so sorry. I really can't right now.
Today's been, um, a really tough day,
so I'm just gonna...
You know, I'll catch you. I'll catch you.
Oh.
I'm sleeping with Aaron.
So, I was only halfway through my sophomore year,
and it felt like my life was unraveling.
My dad was disappointed in me,
I barely managed to stay in school,
and now after being cut off,
I had no idea how I was even going to pay for it.
I had hit rock bottom.
- Hey. - Hi.
You okay?
No, Aaron, I'm not,
because I feel like I've just had this major bomb dropped on me.
Shit.
Uh... I'm so sorry.
I don't know. I just feel like I'm on
the verge of a nervous breakdown.
I've never felt more blindsided.
Look, Zoey, we didn't mean to hurt you, okay?
It's just, Ana's cool, right?
And then things just kind of... they happened.
Okay, what are you talking about?
What happened with you and Ana?
W-Wait. Did Ana not talk to you?
Talk to me about what?
Um...
Stop it. Stop it. And sit down.
So, um, how long you and my granddaughter been an item?
About six months.
We basically started as friends.
Yeah, that's usually how it starts...
Mm-hmm.
No. I won't.
Um, oh, been meaning to tell you, I...
I like this linen joint you got going.
It's fire.
Thank you.
No doubt.
I'm not mad at that kimono.
Do you wanna try it on?
Is that...
Okay, sure. Why not?
Ooh.
Looks fire.
You know you're not getting this back, right?
Hmm?
What size shoe do you wear?
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