♪♪
Wow. Today ruled.
Best wedding I've ever been to!
Unh! Yeah! Unh! Yeah!
Ahh.
I'm sorry we couldn't afford a real honeymoon.
Are you kidding? This is great!
We can watch the traffic on the 405!
I know, but one day we'll have the ultimate honeymoon.
I promise.
Just gotta save up that sweet kaish!
[ Coins clinking ]
To our dream honeymoon!
Mmm!
[ Coins clinking ]
♪♪
Holy crap! It's full!
It's full?!
[ Engine starts ]
[ Tires screech ]
[ Coins clinking ]
♪ After years of hoarding money like an oil tycoon ♪
♪ They can finally afford a dream honeymoon! ♪
♪ They saved tons of money, oh, the funds, how they've grown ♪
♪ They'll take a sexy trip, and they'll totally bone ♪
-♪ Totally bone! ♪ -♪ Totally bone! ♪
♪ They're gonna take a fancy trip and totally bone ♪
♪ Fiji, Bermuda, Hawaii, Rome ♪
[ Beep ]
♪ Expensive honeymoon ♪
♪ Go big or go hoooooooooome! ♪
Four hundred dollars?!
♪ How does a father, husband, a roommate of four ♪
♪ Finance a honeymoon for only four hundred -- ♪ [ Record needle scratches ] ♪ Finance a honeymoon for only four hundred -- ♪ [ Record needle scratches ]
Only one musical number per scene, please.
♪♪
Man, this sucks.
What kind of honeymoon are we supposed to take with this?
[ Gasps ] You could go to Beverly Hills
and park there overnight.
You could pay some guy to fight you!
I know! Let's go to Disneyland!
Oh, um, sorry Candice.
Honeymoons are kind of a "no kids" situation.
After all I've done for you?
Don't worry, Candice. We'll have all weekend
to play with whatever toy kids are addicted to this week.
Super noisy cube!
Oof. I guess.
Uh, guys, allow me to blow your mind.
-Catalina island? -Ooh!
It's the Palm Springs of the sea!
I don't know. This is supposed to be
the most romantic trip of our lives.
Isn't Catalina a little blah?
Em, I think this can work.
This place has five out of five stars.
Not a single bad review!
Huh. "A magical getaway."
"A throwback to a bygone era."
Don't forget "Dirt cheap!!"
You know what? Let's do it!
Welp, looks like Dorpenberger saves the day again.
Up top!
♪♪
[ Ship horn blows ]
♪♪
This place is great!
[ Gasps ] Look!
Hey! Shoo! Get outta here!
Sick!
We're gonna crush this honeymoon.
Hope you're ready to make memories
we'll cherish for the rest of our friggin' lives!
[ Both grunting ]
[ Harmonica sting ]
[ Ding ] Welcome, travelers! [ Ding ] Welcome, travelers!
[ Both scream ] Checking in?
Yep. We're in the honeymoon suite.
Ohh! Newlyweds! I'm honored!
You've chosen one of our beds
on which to consummate your nuptials.
Oh, no, we've already consummated our...stuff.
We've been married for seven years
and are only now just taking our honeymoon
like a couple of maniacs.
Yeah, so we gotta make it count.
Well, you've certainly come to the right place.
Here on Catalina, we have over nine things to do!
We're excited! We saw all the great reviews online.
Oh, by the way, what's with the buffalo?
They're actually bison.
They were brought to Catalina
for a silent-film shoot in the twenties,
but the director never returned them to the mainland
because, well, he went insane.
Noice. That's terrible. Noice. That's terrible.
Oh, they're completely docile!
Anyhoo, I'm afraid the honeymoon suite is still being aired out.
Okaaay.
But, on Catalina, no guest is allowed to leave
without having a perfect trip!
So, for your inconvenience,
we're offering you a complimentary tour!
Oh! Wow!
Honeymooning in Catalina?
Why not try our Romantic Canoe Ride?
Self-guided.
Both: Best honeymoon ever!
Josh: Whoa!
[ Both gasp ]
Or Lover's Leap.
Both: Best honeymoon ever!
[ Josh grunts ]
[ Bodies thud ]
Frederica: Or our Unlimited Pasta Bar.
♪♪
[ Slurping ]
[ Bison groans ]
Unh!
Both: [Nervously] Best honeymoon ever.
Frederica: Sunsets? We got 'em!
♪♪
[ Camera shutter clicks, bison growl ]
[ Horses neigh ]
[ Both screaming ]
Both: Best honeymoon ever?
Emily: Aah!
[ Both groan ]
The horses destroyed my crotch.
I feel like Mike Tyson punched my junk off.
But we're having fun.
On the only honeymoon we'll ever have.
Of course! Dream honeymoon.
I mean...the view.
Love the view.
Great view.
And not too many bison.
Not infested at all.
And we have two whole days left!
Two more days?! Wow! That's just --
[ Chuckles ] I mean, yay.
Anyway...
I need to go get some ice for every part of my body,
but when I get back, it's lovin' time.
Ohh! Oh, no. Oh, why?
[ Door opens and closes ] [ Beep ] [ Door opens and closes ] [ Beep ]
[ Manic laughter ]
How'd they get it so noisy?!
[ Candice and Randy laughing ]
Hey, chica. How's the 'moon?
Catalina's a nightmare!
Every time we find an ounce of romance,
a frickin' buffalo shows up!
[ Chuckles ] Been there.
Josh is so desperate, but maybe we should just give up on it.
I know it's hard, but if you're miserable,
the best thing you can do is call the whole thing off.
-Hang on! Who's that? -Emily.
Catalina sucks, so she's thinking of ending it.
Ending it?!
Yeah, you're probably right.
I hope this doesn't break his heart.
Eh. It might.
But I think the best thing now is for you to divorce.
Not on my watch!
What was that about? Who knows.
Anyway, I was gonna say
"Divorce yourself from this trip."
Weird choice of words, I guess.
I like it! Non-traditional usage!
Aah! Pick up, pick up, pick up!
Josh: Hey. It's Josh. Leave a message.
Josh! [ Tires screech, horn honks ]
Don't move! I'll be there soon!
And whatever you do,
don't accept any papers Emily serves you!
Aah!
♪♪
[ Engine revs ]
I'm coming, Josh!
Waaah!
[ Cellphone buzzing ]
Ohh!
20 minutes of this, and I'll totally be ready to bone.
Yeah. I'm very much "in the mood."
Actually, Josh I know how much this trip means to us
because we waited forever to take it
and we're getting older and we probably
won't take another romantic trip until Candice goes to college,
so I've been pretending to have a great time,
but in reality, I hate it
and I hate the bison and I wanna go home!
Holy crap. I didn't want to say anything
because I thought maybe if I just kept shouting
"best honeymoon ever," it would become the best honeymoon ever,
but it's actually the worst honeymoon ever
and it makes me sad!
Ohh! I'm so relieved!
The last ferry off this rock leaves in an hour.
The sexiest, most romantic thing we could do is get on it.
Let's do it!
[ Dinging ]
Oh, no! Checking out early?
Yeah, gonna catch the last ferry.
Hm. Did you already make a baby?
No. We just want to get home.
I think Catalina kinda wasn't for us.
Kinda...wasn't for you?
The view is nice, but the buffalo are a bit much.
They...are...
silent-film era... bison!
Places!
I'm afraid we can't allow you to leave.
[ Bison growling ]
For you have discovered the island's darkest secret.
[ Gasps ] What secret?
Catalina...
sucks.
Aha! I knew it!
We simply can't have you leave a -- ugh --
a four-star review.
Lady, you're about to get three.
Prepare for attack scene!
[ Bison growl ]
Annnd...action!
[ Dramatic piano music plays ]
♪♪
[ Ship horn blows ] Oh, no! The ferry!
♪♪
Oh, I would like to apologize for any inconvenience
you may have experienced during your stay.
As an apology, please accept these two tickets...
to hell!
Alex: Josh! Emily!
-Unh! -Alex?!
You saved our lives!
I think you mean... your marriage.
-Ugh! -Holy shit! Who's that?
[Meekly] Hospitality is my passion.
Yeah. Don't worry about it.
Let's get off this shithole!
[ Engine revs ]
[ Josh and Alex scream ]
Cut! That's a wrap!
[ Boink! ]
Alex: Ha ha! Whoo-hoo!
Unh!
[ Crash ]
[ All groan ]
[ Slow clapping ]
[ Chuckles ] We did it right the first time, didn't we?
Yeah. We did.
Both: Mmm.
Well, Alex, you did it, buddy.
You saved the day again.
[ Ominous music plays ]
[ Bison laughs evilly ]
[ Both grunting ]
[ Hard-rock music plays ]
♪♪
Pearle: Unh! Ha ha!
Sun's out, bun's out!
Oh, man! I can't wait to sink my teeth into some --
Both: Hinano's world famous burgers!
We better hit it. You know the line's gonna be long.
While we're on the boardwalk, you and Pearle have fun, okay?
No doy! Sandcastles rule!
Y'all do your thing. Candice is safe here with me.
Ooh! This could be the chimney!
Man: Ow! What the hell?!
Ha ha! Classic Venice!
♪♪
Come on, Pearle! Get in here!
Sandcastles are so much fun!
Sometimes.
Castling can make your day.
Or break your spirit.
[ Ominous music plays ]
So... you in or out?
[ Up-tempo music plays ]
♪♪
Whoa! How'd you do that?!
Heh. Maybe I still got it.
[ Hard-rock music plays ] [ Gasps ]
Well, well, well.
Hello, Pearle.
Didn't think you'd show your face back here
since I humiliated you 63 years ago.
Sam "The Sandman" Sanders!
Don't you know there's no trash allowed on the beach?
If you're here for the sandcastle competition,
forget about it!
My grandson, Little Sandy, and I are taking home the gold!
Come at me, bro!
Nothing's getting in the way of an undefeated Sanders legacy!
I didn't even know there was a competition.
I only build for fun now.
"Fun"? What do we say about fun, Little Sandy?
It's for losers, and that's why I'm not allowed to have any!
[ Grunting ]
[ Both laughing ]
-[ Grumbles ] -I have so many questions.
There was a time in my life when I castled, Candice.
And I castled hard.
♪♪
Pearle: It was the height of the sandcastle craze.
And I was a star of the circuit!
I was the best of the best.
I built my most ambitious creation yet.
But competitive castling brought out my worst
Wow! Mom! Wow! Mom!
You're ruining everything!
But, honey, I'm just trying to help.
I became a monster.
Get out of here, Mom!
Okay, okay, okay.
Further.
Further!
But, honey, I'm just trying...
[Muffled] to help! Ugh!
♪♪
[ Slow-motion laughter ]
[ Onlookers scream ]
[ Laughing ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Nooooo!!
[ Tires screech ]
♪♪
I would have won if I could have just kept myself under control.
The stress was just too much.
I only build for fun now,
and I've made my peace with that.
Or you could make peace with crushing
those jerks in the competition!
That would fill an Eiffel Tower-shaped hole in my heart!
Not literally. My heart's surprisingly healthy.
Okay! I'm in!
Kicking their butts is gonna be so much fun!
Both: Ha!
[ Indistinct conversations ]
Let's show these newbies how you really wait in line.
[ Both sigh ]
[ Both grunt ]
Line's moving. Oh. Right.
So here's the plan. You start doing stuff,
and I'll go collect the shells.
Stuff?! This isn't amateur hour, Candice!
This is the real deal!
But I thought -- I came out of retirement
for one reason and one reason only --
to beat Sanders once and for all!
So, the whole high five, "so much fun" thing...?
There'll be time for fun when we beat 'em to a pulp.
Ladies and gentleman...
uh-let's get ready to shove-e-e-e-l!
[ Whistle blows ]
Bob: Here comes the first round of competitors.
[ Smooches ]
Yeah. Real fun.
And now the King of the Beach
will fire the ceremonial starter pistol.
[ Pistol fires, whistle blows ]
[ Crowd cheering ]
♪♪
[ Crowd gasps ]
[ Whistle blows ]
[ Monitor beeping ]
[ Crowd gasps ]
[ Paddles charge, electricity zaps ]
[ Whistle blows ]
[ Crowd cheering ]
♪♪
Oh, yeah. Here we go.
[ Sniffs ]
Oh! These burgz are gonna be so friggin' juice-ay!
It's 'cause they use that beer and apple-fed Wagyu meat, man.
The Kobe of Kobe beef.
Oh, thweet! You got burgerth.
You got your tongue pierced?
What are you -- 16 and mad at your dad?
No! [ Chuckles ]
But acthually, pleathe don't tell my dad.
Aw, man! They forgot the ketchup!
[ Seagull cries ] Aah!
Everybody stay calm.
Okay, okay. Stay cool. Everybody be cool.
No reason to fly off, you little trash bird.
[ Seagull chirps ]
[ Both grunt ]
Get back here with my burgers!
Hey!
[ Alex grunting ]
Whoa-oa-oa!
[ Both groaning ]
Oh, my God, guys! Are you okay?!
[ Scribbling ]
[ Camera shutter clicks ]
[ Whistle blows ]
[ Rasta horn blares ]
So typical, with your
"international landmarks" and "perfect lines."
But don't forget -- once a hot head...
Always a hot head! Yeah!
[ Sighs ] I don't know how much more of this I can take.
There's no quittin' in castlin'!
Now pick up that barber's brush and start smoothin'!
[ Clock ticking, whistle blows ]
[ Pearle panting ]
[ Crowd cheering ]
Quentin: Well, I don't know about you, Bob,
but I'm having a Taj Ma-ball over here!
You can say that again, Quentin!
Pearle nails those chamfered edges with precision.
Sand dunk! Heh.
And look at the way she rounds the edges of that dome tower!
Pearle's Girls take the lead!
[ Steel drum playing ] What? Huh...
Shucky ducky, baby! Ho-oh, alright!
Wah!
Whoa!
[ Grunting ]
Unh!
Oh! Heh! Alright!
Bah! Never send a hippie to do a beach bum's job!
Bring it on, you sundried potato!
[ Grunts ]
♪♪
Bob: Uh-oh! Looks like these old rivals
are having a heated conversation...
with their fists!
Which is entirely allowed.
Competitive sandcastling has surprisingly few rules.
♪♪
Keep on building, Candice!
-Hyah! -Wah!
[ Grunts ] Hah!
♪♪
Bob: You know, I gotta tell you, Q.
Nothing I like more than senior-citizen combat.
Without it, these sandcastle competitions
would be unwatchable.
Candice! You're doing it all wrong!
You're gonna make us lose!
[ Grunts ] Wah! Give me that!
The melon baller is for positive carving,
and the teaspoon is for negative carving!
This isn't fun anymore!
It looks like there's trouble in paradise!
I will not lose!
Pearle: Noooooooo!
♪♪
[ Rasta horn blares ]
And today's "Oh No!" moment of the game
is brought to you by Las Vegas's all-new Children's Casino
where, even if you're little, you can win big!
[ Rasta horn blares ]
What have I done?
Candice, I've made a terrible mistake.
I got so swept up in the competition again
that I forgot to have fun!
And I'm sorry.
Will you help me rebuild?
There's not enough time. There's no way we can win.
Screw winning.
Just build what your heart tells you to build!
Quentin: Pearle's Girls have radically shifted tactics.
[ Gasps ] But will it be enough?
♪♪
[ Zap ]
♪♪
Oh ho!
[ Zapping ] [ Screams ] [ Zapping ] [ Screams ]
[ Crowd gasps ]
-Come to daddy! -Hell yeah! [ Laughs ]
Uh... Whoooaaa. Uh... Whoooaaa.
No. No!
Ahh! Come on!
Eat meat!
Sun's out, buns out!
I just wanted to win.
Unh!
[ Seagulls crying ]
Owwwwww!
That was the guy who took our burgers!
Wow. Guess he needed a little...
meat on his bones? Ha ha!
♪♪
[ Whistle blows, Rasta horn blares ]
Bob: Pearle's Girls win it! Whoo-hoo!
Candice: Yeah!
[ Cheers and applause ] Yeah!
Candice, thank you for reminding me
why I loved building sandcastles in the first place.
And thank you for teaching me
that winning's cool and everything, but...
Both: If it ain't fun, it ain't worth it!
♪♪
Emily: [ Laughs ] Yes!
Yeah, Candy Cane! You did it!
[ Randy screaming ]
♪♪
Hinano's burgers!
[ Chomping ]
This was worth the concussion. Heh.
Oh, no. Are you trying to put it in your ear?
Uh... Oh, no. Your mouth is in the front, guy.
You're right. Heh. Yeah, you're right.
♪♪
[ Both grunting ]