[ Horn blows ]
[ Indistinct shouting ]
[ Door banging ]
♪
[ Gasps ] Oh!
♪
Oooh!
Lady Saveria, I am Rothgar of the Northern clans.
Legend of your beauty hath traveled cross the sea.
And legend of your...
longsword hath traveled here.
Lady, thy boldness...
Shusheth!
[ Both moaning ]
♪
Rothgar of the Northern clans...
...plunder me with your massive Viking c...
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Alex!
You didn't tell us your new book was dirty!
Uh, 'cause it's not?
"The Rigid Helmet" is historically
accurate Viking erotica.
[ Murmuring ]
What? You wanna tell me I'm a pervert or something?
No, I want you to keep reading.
Really? You think it's good?
Good? I think you reversed my menopause.
Now I believe you left off at Rothgar's big ol' ding dong.
♪
Pearle: Thanks for letting me tag along to your big meeting.
Harlot House publishes all my favorite sexy books.
It's the least I can do.
If you hadn't supported me,
I never would've submitted my manuscript.
Trust me.
"The Rigid Helmet" will be an Ophira Book Club pick for sure.
The world's gonna know the name Alex Dunkleburg.
It's Dorpenberger.
No shit?
Wow... The house that horny built.
The Waif and the Whip, Sir Colton the Hung.
Queen stud.
God no! I wouldn't touch that deal
with a dollar-store dildo.
Okay. Eat shit, Jason.
Alex!
Brienne Bishop.
I loved your book.
Um, hi, actually I'm Alex.
[ Retches ]
Sorry. I assumed "Alex" was a woman.
The description of love-making was so tender and feminine.
But you said you loved the book.
Here's The Deal: there's no market
for an erotic novel written by a man.
Let alone one who looks like a werewolf
that didn't finish transforming.
Our female audience wants erotica from someone
who makes them feel safe.
An E.L. James, a J.Q. Guintel,
anyone, anyone with two initials
who doesn't immediately make them vomit.
That's how you get on Ophira's Book Club.
Wait a second! What if we put your face on the book.
But I didn't write this book.
But you encouraged me. Think about it.
You could go to fancy literary parties.
You could meet Ophira!
Oh, now!
You had me at "you could meet Ophira."
Perfect. We can call you...
A... P... LaPearle!
Stop. A novel of hot Viking erotica
by an older black lady named A.P. LaPearle?
Now that I could sell.
[ Applause ]
[ Clears throat ] The "Rigid Helmet..."
chapter four.
"The journey across the frozen highlands
had been treacherous..."
[ Groans ]
With no fire, I fear we shall freeze.
The only fire we need... is the fire in our loins.
Oh my! We know what that means!
[ Laughter ]
"Saveria guided Rothgar to her glowing embers.
[ Horse whinnies ]
Closer, closer, 'til her body quaked in ecstasy
and she screamed..."
"Valhallaaaaaaa!"
They loved you!
Oh, please.
You're the book, I'm just the jacket.
You practically got that crowd pregnant!
Alex, you sex pig, start typing.
I want five more of these disgusting, beautiful books.
And I want you on a book tour.
Ooh! But I can't go without Alex.
Sure, Alex can be your "assistant." Whatever.
A.P. LaPearle is about to become the Stephen King of books.
♪
[ Sighs ]
For the next reading, should I do one scarf or two?
[ Knock on door ]
Oh, my goodness.
Thank you. everybody!
It's from Brienne! "Great news, perverts!
Ophira read "The Rigid Helmet" and slid off her chair!
We're talking book club, you freaks!"
Oooh, it's happening for me!
Technically, it's happening for me.
Mm-hmm. Sure, sure. We need that book.
You keep typing. I'll care of this.
[ Grunts ]
Ooh, it's from Washington State.
[ Grunts ]
Honestly, the pages just come to me.
It doesn't even feel like work. [ Laughs ]
I love how humble she is.
Ooh, ooh, tell them!
You know what, I'm gonna tell them...
She's going to be on Ophira tomorrow!
Reading from her new work.
[ Crowd gasps ]
Oh, I'd give up my stepson's Yale admission to get on Ophira.
My stepson got into Yale.
What's the new book about?
This one's about the eternal schism
between the carnal and the divine,
set against the Jute conquest of the sixth century.
A.P., who is this werewolf and why
is he answering questions about your next book?
[ Stammers ]
They can not know he wrote this book!
Because he's my nosy assistant.
Carry on assisting, assistant.
The writers are talking.
[ Laughter ]
And get me a pomegranate La Croix!
And pull your pants up!
[ Laughter ]
♪
Today we've got A.P. LaPearle!
She's going to read from her new book,
"The Throbbing Speeeeear!"
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hey, where the hell is your assistant?
I think I may have gone too far last night.
[ Door opens ]
Finally! She's about to go on.
Give her the new pages.
No. I'm gonna read them.
Oh, the frig you are, buddy!
I'm doing all of the work,
it's time I got some of the recognition.
Alex, what's the matter?
You're the book and I'm the jacket, remember?
Not anymore.
Either I read these pages, or the pages and I walk.
Okay, bye. Uh, wait, I di...
You don't think I have a backup plan?
Harlot House designed an A.I. that analyzed your novel
and every Wikipedia page about Vikings,
and it generated a sequel that is absolutely thigh-quaking.
And you are fired.
♪
Who's ready for some Viking roooomaaance?
Please give a warm welcome to my new best friend,
A.P. LaaaPeeeearle!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Come on, Ma, where are you?
I don't know, this doesn't feel right without Alex.
Pearle, your idol Ophira is out there,
waiting to talk to you.
You're the magic behind A.P. LaPearle,
not Alex Dunkleberg.
It's Dorpenberger.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Who wants to get hooooorny?
[ Cheers and applause ]
Ahem.
"The Throbbing Spear," chapter one.
[ Cheers and applause ]
"Rothgar and Saveria
leaned against the mast of their ship..."
Ooh. I was afraid I'd never feel your longsword again.
There is no sea that can keep us apart.
For we Vikings are a seafaring people who during the 8th
to 11th century explored wide areas of Europe
and sailed as far West as Newfoundland.
"'Oh my God, ' Rothgar whispered,
referring to Odin, the Norse God.
Then 4.92 milliliters of his seed flowed,
and Saveria savored it like a typical Viking meal of meat
and vegetables stewed in a soapstone pot."
No! These are not the words of A.P. LaPearle!
Get this lunatic out of here!
This isn't right.
Ophira, I'm sorry.
A.P. LaPearle didn't write this book
because A.P. LaPearle doesn't exist!
Alex, get up here!
What is happennnnnning?
[ Grunts ]
I'm sorry.
Go on and show 'em.
Be the book and the jacket.
Thank you.
He wrote it.
[ Retches ]
[ Audience retching ]
[ All retching ]
You lied to my viewers.
I... require...
vengeaaaaance!
They're in a horny rage!
♪
Say something sexual!
Um, supple flesh?
Dewey thighs!
Engorged member.
Insistent thrusting!
Nipple!
♪
[ Alarm ringing ]
♪
From beneath the pile of bodies a hand shot out!
Saveria gasped.
The Gods had answered her cries.
Rothgar was alive.
And rock hard. The end."
Oooh! Alex, that gave me the ol' gooseflesh!
Thanks for sharing your sequel with me.
Turns out the only fan I needed was you, Pearle.
Yeah. We chose friendship over money, like a couple idiots.
Okay, up top.
[ Glass shatters ] Alright, that's enough.
♪