1
00:00:02,377 --> 00:00:03,398
[ Horn blows ]
2
00:00:03,400 --> 00:00:06,381
[ Indistinct shouting ]
3
00:00:06,383 --> 00:00:08,379
[ Door banging ]
4
00:00:08,381 --> 00:00:10,387
♪
5
00:00:10,389 --> 00:00:12,380
[ Gasps ] Oh!
6
00:00:12,382 --> 00:00:15,385
♪
7
00:00:15,387 --> 00:00:16,400
Oooh!
8
00:00:17,378 --> 00:00:21,399
Lady Saveria, I am Rothgar
of the Northern clans.
9
00:00:22,377 --> 00:00:25,396
Legend of your beauty
hath traveled cross the sea.
10
00:00:25,398 --> 00:00:27,383
And legend of your...
11
00:00:27,385 --> 00:00:30,389
longsword hath traveled here.
12
00:00:30,391 --> 00:00:32,397
Lady, thy boldness...
13
00:00:32,399 --> 00:00:34,391
Shusheth!
14
00:00:34,393 --> 00:00:36,395
[ Both moaning ]
15
00:00:36,397 --> 00:00:42,377
♪
16
00:00:42,379 --> 00:00:45,384
Rothgar of the Northern clans...
17
00:00:45,386 --> 00:00:47,391
...plunder me with your massive
Viking c...
18
00:00:47,393 --> 00:00:49,384
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Alex!
19
00:00:49,386 --> 00:00:51,384
You didn't tell us
your new book was dirty!
20
00:00:51,386 --> 00:00:52,396
Uh, 'cause it's not?
21
00:00:52,398 --> 00:00:54,393
"The Rigid Helmet"
is historically
22
00:00:54,395 --> 00:00:57,377
accurate Viking erotica.
23
00:00:57,379 --> 00:01:00,380
[ Murmuring ]
24
00:01:00,382 --> 00:01:02,400
What? You wanna tell me
I'm a pervert or something?
25
00:01:03,378 --> 00:01:05,393
No, I want you to keep reading.
26
00:01:05,395 --> 00:01:07,388
Really?
You think it's good?
27
00:01:07,390 --> 00:01:10,400
Good? I think you reversed
my menopause.
28
00:01:11,378 --> 00:01:14,391
Now I believe you left off
at Rothgar's big ol' ding dong.
29
00:01:14,393 --> 00:01:19,399
♪
30
00:01:20,377 --> 00:01:27,397
♪
31
00:01:27,399 --> 00:01:30,389
Pearle: Thanks for letting me
tag along to your big meeting.
32
00:01:30,391 --> 00:01:33,395
Harlot House publishes
all my favorite sexy books.
33
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It's the least I can do.
34
00:01:34,398 --> 00:01:36,380
If you hadn't supported me,
35
00:01:36,382 --> 00:01:37,398
I never would've submitted
my manuscript.
36
00:01:37,400 --> 00:01:39,386
Trust me.
37
00:01:39,388 --> 00:01:42,396
"The Rigid Helmet" will be an
Ophira Book Club pick for sure.
38
00:01:42,398 --> 00:01:46,391
The world's gonna know the name
Alex Dunkleburg.
39
00:01:46,393 --> 00:01:47,396
It's Dorpenberger.
40
00:01:47,398 --> 00:01:49,381
No shit?
41
00:01:50,394 --> 00:01:53,397
Wow...
The house that horny built.
42
00:01:53,399 --> 00:01:57,381
The Waif and the Whip,
Sir Colton the Hung.
43
00:01:57,383 --> 00:01:58,386
Queen stud.
44
00:01:58,388 --> 00:02:00,384
God no! I wouldn't touch
that deal
45
00:02:00,386 --> 00:02:02,377
with a dollar-store dildo.
46
00:02:02,379 --> 00:02:04,392
Okay.
Eat shit, Jason.
47
00:02:06,400 --> 00:02:08,377
Alex!
48
00:02:08,379 --> 00:02:09,385
Brienne Bishop.
49
00:02:09,387 --> 00:02:11,393
I loved your book.
50
00:02:11,395 --> 00:02:14,384
Um, hi, actually I'm Alex.
51
00:02:14,386 --> 00:02:17,386
[ Retches ]
52
00:02:17,388 --> 00:02:20,385
Sorry.
I assumed "Alex" was a woman.
53
00:02:20,387 --> 00:02:23,378
The description of love-making
was so tender and feminine.
54
00:02:23,380 --> 00:02:24,396
But you said you loved the book.
55
00:02:24,398 --> 00:02:27,377
Here's The Deal:
there's no market
56
00:02:27,379 --> 00:02:28,390
for an erotic novel
written by a man.
57
00:02:28,392 --> 00:02:30,398
Let alone one who looks
like a werewolf
58
00:02:30,400 --> 00:02:33,378
that didn't finish transforming.
59
00:02:33,380 --> 00:02:35,387
Our female audience wants
erotica from someone
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00:02:35,389 --> 00:02:36,393
who makes them feel safe.
61
00:02:36,395 --> 00:02:39,381
An E.L. James,
a J.Q. Guintel,
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00:02:39,383 --> 00:02:41,386
anyone, anyone with two initials
63
00:02:41,388 --> 00:02:43,384
who doesn't immediately
make them vomit.
64
00:02:43,386 --> 00:02:45,378
That's how you get on
Ophira's Book Club.
65
00:02:45,380 --> 00:02:48,394
Wait a second! What if we put
your face on the book.
66
00:02:48,396 --> 00:02:50,387
But I didn't write this book.
67
00:02:50,389 --> 00:02:52,398
But you encouraged me.
Think about it.
68
00:02:52,400 --> 00:02:55,395
You could go to fancy
literary parties.
69
00:02:55,397 --> 00:02:57,399
You could meet Ophira!
70
00:02:58,377 --> 00:02:59,382
Oh, now!
71
00:02:59,384 --> 00:03:02,388
You had me at "you could
meet Ophira."
72
00:03:02,390 --> 00:03:04,384
Perfect.
We can call you...
73
00:03:04,386 --> 00:03:07,382
A... P... LaPearle!
74
00:03:07,384 --> 00:03:10,380
Stop.
A novel of hot Viking erotica
75
00:03:10,382 --> 00:03:14,378
by an older black lady named
A.P. LaPearle?
76
00:03:14,380 --> 00:03:16,399
Now that I could sell.
77
00:03:17,377 --> 00:03:19,396
[ Applause ]
78
00:03:19,398 --> 00:03:25,379
[ Clears throat ]
The "Rigid Helmet..."
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00:03:25,381 --> 00:03:26,391
chapter four.
80
00:03:26,393 --> 00:03:30,377
"The journey across
the frozen highlands
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00:03:30,379 --> 00:03:31,396
had been treacherous..."
82
00:03:31,398 --> 00:03:33,388
[ Groans ]
83
00:03:33,390 --> 00:03:37,390
With no fire,
I fear we shall freeze.
84
00:03:37,392 --> 00:03:42,397
The only fire we need...
is the fire in our loins.
85
00:03:42,399 --> 00:03:45,379
Oh my!
We know what that means!
86
00:03:45,381 --> 00:03:46,388
[ Laughter ]
87
00:03:46,390 --> 00:03:49,391
"Saveria guided Rothgar
to her glowing embers.
88
00:03:49,393 --> 00:03:50,400
[ Horse whinnies ]
89
00:03:51,378 --> 00:03:55,388
Closer, closer, 'til her body
quaked in ecstasy
90
00:03:55,390 --> 00:03:57,382
and she screamed..."
91
00:03:57,384 --> 00:04:04,384
"Valhallaaaaaaa!"
92
00:04:04,386 --> 00:04:05,394
They loved you!
93
00:04:05,396 --> 00:04:06,397
Oh, please.
94
00:04:06,399 --> 00:04:08,398
You're the book,
I'm just the jacket.
95
00:04:08,400 --> 00:04:11,393
You practically got
that crowd pregnant!
96
00:04:11,395 --> 00:04:14,390
Alex, you sex pig, start typing.
97
00:04:14,392 --> 00:04:17,389
I want five more of these
disgusting, beautiful books.
98
00:04:17,391 --> 00:04:20,377
And I want you on a book tour.
99
00:04:20,379 --> 00:04:22,391
Ooh!
But I can't go without Alex.
100
00:04:22,393 --> 00:04:25,382
Sure, Alex can be
your "assistant." Whatever.
101
00:04:25,384 --> 00:04:30,392
A.P. LaPearle is about to become
the Stephen King of books.
102
00:04:30,394 --> 00:05:04,383
♪
103
00:05:04,385 --> 00:05:05,391
[ Sighs ]
104
00:05:05,393 --> 00:05:09,380
For the next reading,
should I do one scarf or two?
105
00:05:09,382 --> 00:05:10,390
[ Knock on door ]
106
00:05:10,392 --> 00:05:11,392
Oh, my goodness.
107
00:05:11,394 --> 00:05:13,386
Thank you. everybody!
108
00:05:13,388 --> 00:05:16,379
It's from Brienne!
"Great news, perverts!
109
00:05:16,381 --> 00:05:19,391
Ophira read "The Rigid Helmet"
and slid off her chair!
110
00:05:19,393 --> 00:05:22,382
We're talking book club,
you freaks!"
111
00:05:22,384 --> 00:05:24,381
Oooh, it's happening for me!
112
00:05:24,383 --> 00:05:26,378
Technically,
it's happening for me.
113
00:05:26,380 --> 00:05:28,378
Mm-hmm. Sure, sure.
We need that book.
114
00:05:28,380 --> 00:05:32,384
You keep typing.
I'll care of this.
115
00:05:32,386 --> 00:05:33,390
[ Grunts ]
116
00:05:33,392 --> 00:05:36,383
Ooh, it's from Washington State.
117
00:05:36,385 --> 00:05:38,382
[ Grunts ]
118
00:05:40,381 --> 00:05:43,379
Honestly, the pages
just come to me.
119
00:05:43,381 --> 00:05:45,397
It doesn't even
feel like work. [ Laughs ]
120
00:05:45,399 --> 00:05:47,394
I love how humble she is.
121
00:05:47,396 --> 00:05:48,399
Ooh, ooh, tell them!
122
00:05:49,377 --> 00:05:50,387
You know what,
I'm gonna tell them...
123
00:05:50,389 --> 00:05:52,378
She's going to be
on Ophira tomorrow!
124
00:05:52,380 --> 00:05:53,390
Reading from her new work.
125
00:05:53,392 --> 00:05:55,387
[ Crowd gasps ]
126
00:05:55,389 --> 00:05:59,398
Oh, I'd give up my stepson's
Yale admission to get on Ophira.
127
00:05:59,400 --> 00:06:02,378
My stepson got into Yale.
128
00:06:02,380 --> 00:06:03,384
What's the new book about?
129
00:06:03,386 --> 00:06:05,378
This one's about
the eternal schism
130
00:06:05,380 --> 00:06:07,379
between the carnal
and the divine,
131
00:06:07,381 --> 00:06:12,392
set against the Jute conquest
of the sixth century.
132
00:06:12,394 --> 00:06:15,382
A.P., who is this werewolf
and why
133
00:06:15,384 --> 00:06:17,396
is he answering questions
about your next book?
134
00:06:17,398 --> 00:06:19,378
[ Stammers ]
135
00:06:19,380 --> 00:06:21,388
They can not know
he wrote this book!
136
00:06:21,390 --> 00:06:23,400
Because he's my nosy assistant.
137
00:06:24,378 --> 00:06:25,397
Carry on assisting, assistant.
138
00:06:25,399 --> 00:06:27,391
The writers are talking.
139
00:06:27,393 --> 00:06:30,391
[ Laughter ]
140
00:06:30,393 --> 00:06:33,390
And get me a pomegranate
La Croix!
141
00:06:35,386 --> 00:06:37,380
And pull your pants up!
142
00:06:37,382 --> 00:06:39,388
[ Laughter ]
143
00:06:41,382 --> 00:06:44,384
♪
144
00:06:44,386 --> 00:06:48,380
Today we've got
A.P. LaPearle!
145
00:06:48,382 --> 00:06:50,383
She's going to read
from her new book,
146
00:06:50,385 --> 00:06:52,394
"The Throbbing Speeeeear!"
147
00:06:52,396 --> 00:06:55,394
[ Cheers and applause ]
148
00:06:55,396 --> 00:06:58,386
Hey, where the hell
is your assistant?
149
00:06:58,388 --> 00:07:00,398
I think I may have gone
too far last night.
150
00:07:00,400 --> 00:07:02,378
[ Door opens ]
151
00:07:02,380 --> 00:07:04,378
Finally!
She's about to go on.
152
00:07:04,380 --> 00:07:05,382
Give her the new pages.
153
00:07:05,384 --> 00:07:06,397
No.
I'm gonna read them.
154
00:07:06,399 --> 00:07:08,394
Oh, the frig you are, buddy!
155
00:07:08,396 --> 00:07:10,381
I'm doing all of the work,
156
00:07:10,383 --> 00:07:12,387
it's time I got
some of the recognition.
157
00:07:12,389 --> 00:07:14,377
Alex, what's the matter?
158
00:07:14,379 --> 00:07:16,385
You're the book
and I'm the jacket, remember?
159
00:07:16,387 --> 00:07:17,393
Not anymore.
160
00:07:17,395 --> 00:07:20,385
Either I read these pages,
or the pages and I walk.
161
00:07:20,387 --> 00:07:22,396
Okay, bye.
Uh, wait, I di...
162
00:07:22,398 --> 00:07:24,385
You don't think
I have a backup plan?
163
00:07:24,387 --> 00:07:27,382
Harlot House designed an A.I.
that analyzed your novel
164
00:07:27,384 --> 00:07:29,385
and every Wikipedia page
about Vikings,
165
00:07:29,387 --> 00:07:33,397
and it generated a sequel that
is absolutely thigh-quaking.
166
00:07:33,399 --> 00:07:36,397
And you are fired.
167
00:07:36,399 --> 00:07:41,397
♪
168
00:07:45,384 --> 00:07:49,385
Who's ready for some
Viking roooomaaance?
169
00:07:49,387 --> 00:07:54,377
Please give a warm welcome
to my new best friend,
170
00:07:54,379 --> 00:07:56,389
A.P. LaaaPeeeearle!
171
00:07:56,391 --> 00:08:01,378
[ Cheers and applause ]
172
00:08:01,380 --> 00:08:02,397
Come on, Ma, where are you?
173
00:08:02,399 --> 00:08:05,398
I don't know, this doesn't feel
right without Alex.
174
00:08:05,400 --> 00:08:08,384
Pearle, your idol Ophira
is out there,
175
00:08:08,386 --> 00:08:09,390
waiting to talk to you.
176
00:08:09,392 --> 00:08:11,388
You're the magic behind
A.P. LaPearle,
177
00:08:11,390 --> 00:08:14,377
not Alex Dunkleberg.
178
00:08:14,379 --> 00:08:15,393
It's Dorpenberger.
179
00:08:15,395 --> 00:08:19,396
[ Cheers and applause ]
180
00:08:19,398 --> 00:08:22,384
Who wants to get hooooorny?
181
00:08:22,386 --> 00:08:25,377
[ Cheers and applause ]
182
00:08:26,393 --> 00:08:27,399
Ahem.
183
00:08:28,377 --> 00:08:30,396
"The Throbbing Spear,"
chapter one.
184
00:08:30,398 --> 00:08:33,399
[ Cheers and applause ]
185
00:08:34,377 --> 00:08:35,391
"Rothgar and Saveria
186
00:08:35,393 --> 00:08:37,397
leaned against
the mast of their ship..."
187
00:08:37,399 --> 00:08:42,398
Ooh. I was afraid I'd never feel
your longsword again.
188
00:08:42,400 --> 00:08:45,398
There is no sea
that can keep us apart.
189
00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:49,383
For we Vikings are a seafaring
people who during the 8th
190
00:08:49,385 --> 00:08:51,397
to 11th century
explored wide areas of Europe
191
00:08:51,399 --> 00:08:54,379
and sailed as far West
as Newfoundland.
192
00:08:54,381 --> 00:08:56,390
"'Oh my God, '
Rothgar whispered,
193
00:08:56,392 --> 00:08:59,379
referring to Odin,
the Norse God.
194
00:08:59,381 --> 00:09:02,391
Then 4.92 milliliters
of his seed flowed,
195
00:09:02,393 --> 00:09:04,633
and Saveria savored it like
a typical Viking meal of meat
196
00:09:05,377 --> 00:09:07,381
and vegetables stewed
in a soapstone pot."
197
00:09:07,383 --> 00:09:10,400
No! These are not the words
of A.P. LaPearle!
198
00:09:11,378 --> 00:09:14,391
Get this lunatic out of here!
199
00:09:14,393 --> 00:09:15,400
This isn't right.
200
00:09:16,378 --> 00:09:17,386
Ophira, I'm sorry.
201
00:09:17,388 --> 00:09:19,395
A.P. LaPearle didn't
write this book
202
00:09:19,397 --> 00:09:25,380
because A.P. LaPearle
doesn't exist!
203
00:09:25,382 --> 00:09:26,398
Alex, get up here!
204
00:09:26,400 --> 00:09:28,398
What is happennnnnning?
205
00:09:28,400 --> 00:09:30,396
[ Grunts ]
206
00:09:30,398 --> 00:09:32,377
I'm sorry.
207
00:09:32,379 --> 00:09:33,384
Go on and show 'em.
208
00:09:33,386 --> 00:09:36,388
Be the book and the jacket.
209
00:09:36,390 --> 00:09:38,377
Thank you.
210
00:09:38,379 --> 00:09:40,384
He wrote it.
211
00:09:41,382 --> 00:09:42,392
[ Retches ]
212
00:09:42,394 --> 00:09:45,386
[ Audience retching ]
213
00:09:45,388 --> 00:09:47,383
[ All retching ]
214
00:09:47,385 --> 00:09:51,380
You lied to my viewers.
215
00:09:51,382 --> 00:09:52,388
I... require...
216
00:09:52,390 --> 00:09:55,388
vengeaaaaance!
217
00:09:55,390 --> 00:09:57,377
They're in a horny rage!
218
00:09:57,379 --> 00:10:06,383
♪
219
00:10:06,385 --> 00:10:07,391
Say something sexual!
220
00:10:07,393 --> 00:10:10,396
Um, supple flesh?
221
00:10:10,398 --> 00:10:11,395
Dewey thighs!
222
00:10:11,397 --> 00:10:12,399
Engorged member.
223
00:10:13,377 --> 00:10:14,392
Insistent thrusting!
224
00:10:14,394 --> 00:10:15,399
Nipple!
225
00:10:16,377 --> 00:10:17,391
♪
226
00:10:17,393 --> 00:10:19,382
[ Alarm ringing ]
227
00:10:19,384 --> 00:10:29,390
♪
228
00:10:29,392 --> 00:10:32,390
From beneath the pile
of bodies a hand shot out!
229
00:10:32,392 --> 00:10:33,394
Saveria gasped.
230
00:10:33,396 --> 00:10:35,398
The Gods had answered her cries.
231
00:10:35,400 --> 00:10:38,394
Rothgar was alive.
232
00:10:38,396 --> 00:10:42,386
And rock hard.
The end."
233
00:10:42,388 --> 00:10:46,383
Oooh! Alex, that gave me
the ol' gooseflesh!
234
00:10:46,385 --> 00:10:48,393
Thanks for sharing
your sequel with me.
235
00:10:48,395 --> 00:10:51,400
Turns out the only fan
I needed was you, Pearle.
236
00:10:52,378 --> 00:10:56,382
Yeah. We chose friendship over
money, like a couple idiots.
237
00:10:56,384 --> 00:10:57,398
Okay, up top.
238
00:10:57,400 --> 00:10:59,386
[ Glass shatters ]
Alright, that's enough.
239
00:10:59,388 --> 00:11:48,400
♪