[ Guitar strums ]
♪ Good morning ♪
- ♪ How are you? - ♪ Just fine ♪
♪ It's so wonderful to be with you today ♪
Wow, am I Mr. Adam Levine?
Because you kids have the voice.
[ Laughter ]
Good morning, children.
Mr. Campbell, can I have a moment?
Certainly, Principal Becket.
I'd like you to meet River Lake,
our school's new music teacher.
Well, enchanté!
Bienvenue to chamomile.
Oh! Thank you!
Everyone says she's the best.
She'll visit your class every Tuesday and Thursday.
These kids can be a bit shy with strangers.
But don't worry, I'll warm them up for you.
- [ Slurps ] - Mm.
What an empowering mug.
Oh, this? It was a gift from the children.
Attención, class.
I'd like you to meet our new music teacher.
- Her name is Ms. Lake, and... - Hello, kindergarten!
I'm River Lake. If you know this one, let me hear you sing along!
♪ The more we say good morning, good morning, good morning ♪
♪ The more we say good morning, the awesomer we'll be ♪
[ Chimes ring ]
♪ With Dashiell and Emma and Candice and Winnie ♪
She knows our names!
[ Drumming ]
When I say "good," you say "morning."
- Good! - Morning!
[ Guitar playing ]
Children: Yeah!
Oh, fu-u-u-u-n.
♪
- Good morning, Mr. Campbell. - Good morning!
What do you say, Candice? Are you ready to carpe that diem?
- [ Bicycle bell dings ] - Mom! That's her! That's her!
So that's the Ms. Lake?
She has us just call her "River."
Isn't that cool, Emily?
Nope, we don't do that. She's just been going on and on
about River these last few days.
Hmm, yeah? That's neat.
[ Drumming ]
Rhythm is a language, and you guys are speakin' it!
Tell me somethin', Esme!
What's the good word, Candice?
Uh, yes! You guys, feel that groove!
Oh, I feel it! Dr. Jam in da house!
And Dr. Jam says y'all need to floss!
Gotta floss err'y day!
This feels racist.
Come on, class, keep the beat!
- You go, Mr. Campbell! - Thanks.
Oh, and it's Dr. Jam.
[ Laughs ]
Whoa! [ Children scream ]
It's all right! Myrtle is okay!
See guys? [ All screaming ]
Oh, God, blood.
Mm. [ Clears throat ]
What?
Oh, look, he's awake!
How are you feeling, Mr. Campbell?
Um, I'm okay. I just, um...
It's 2:30?!
You've been with them the whole day?
- [ Gasps ] - Oh, I stitched you up.
Don't you worry, we've been having so much fun together.
River taught us how to read!
[ Chuckles ] Very funny, Candice.
What?
Even Ethan?
Shh! Yo, I got to find out if that dude eats the ham.
Okay, class, that's it for today.
All: Ohh!
Oh, it's all right. I'll see you again on Thursday.
Aw!
Girl: We love you, River.
- Oh, God. - You're pathetic.
- Who said that? - Over here.
- [ Gasps ] - Look at you, Campbell.
These kids used to love you. Now?
You're the world's greatest nothing!
That's not true!
Th-That's not true? Oh, cut the shit!
This River Lake has made a fool out of you.
Well, what was I supposed to do?
She has perfect pitch
and this casual retro-chic style that just...
- [ Spits ] - Ow!
Shut up and listen, you little bitch!
Do you want to get back to being everyone's
- favorite teacher or not? - Yes, of course I do!
Then you have to crush her.
♪
Ha.
Yes. Sip of me.
Sip my ass!
Okay, who's ready for a musical parade?
All: Me!
All right! I'll give you each an instrument and...
[ Gasping ]
Oh, my God! What happened?
The instruments, they're all broken.
What? Oh, no!
You know what? I bet those punk fifth-graders did this.
Well, I guess music class will have to be canceled today.
Oh, no. No, no, no.
The only instrument we need is right here.
[ Beatboxing ]
[ Vocalizing ]
[ All vocalizing ]
[ Vocalizing continues ]
I think we've got a front-runner for teacher of the year!
[ Chuckles ]
Oh, see you all next time!
Thank you so much for sharing your heart songs with me.
[ Sighs ] Was that all you got, you man-bunned little bitch?
E-Excuse me?
Busting up my instruments?
I ought to rip your dick off.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Oh, please, Campbell.
You think you're the first teacher
who tried to Nancy Kerrigan me?
I've got dual masters degrees
in music and early childhood education.
I can drum circles around your Montessori bullshit.
Big talk from someone who only teaches two days a week.
Oh, I'm gonna be full-time.
In fact, maybe I'll take your job.
You... frickin'... Crap!
[ School bell rings ]
Um, River, we're hosting a barbecue tomorrow
in honor of my losing my first tooth.
Would you like to come and sing,
since you're the best singer in the whole world?
Sweetie, I'm sure Ms. Lake is really busy on the weekends.
Candice, I would love to sing at your rite of passage.
Yeah-ha-ha! She said yes!
[ All cheering ]
♪
[ Hums ]
[ Chuckles ] [ Bicycle bell rings ]
Unh!
[ Sobbing ]
Ow!
You don't deserve to drink piss out of me!
You've never been invited to a kid's house.
Now she's gonna sing at one.
She... She's a fake! A phony!
It's time to strap on your dick and end this!
♪
[ Vehicle approaches, brakes squeal ]
♪
Okay.
[ Laughs maniacally ]
Neighbor: Hey! Cut those brake lines quieter!
I'd like to try that.
So, how do you know Candice?
What?
Mom, where's River?
She promised she'd come and sing.
I don't know, sweetie.
But if you want, I could get my guitar and sing.
Ew. I promised my friends something cool... a teacher.
Ding-dong! [ Chuckles ]
Mr. Campbell? Uh, hi. What are you...
I was just in the neighborhood and thought Ms. Lake
might need this for her big performance.
She didn't come.
Wait, what?
She blew off your barbecue?
I guess there's some teachers in this world you just can't trust!
Wait a second. I just happen to have my karaoke machine.
Candice, how would you like it if I sang?
- Uh, no tha... - Yay, this worked out for everyone!
Children, gather round!
Criss-cross applesauce, por favor.
♪
Grace and greetings. I'm Mr. Camp...
- River! You came! - [ Gasps ] - Hi!
Oh, Candice, I am so sorry I'm late.
I just came from the hospital.
- Oh, God, are you okay? - I'm fine.
I loaned my bike to my neighbor this morning,
and he got into a terrible accident.
He's gonna be okay, though. And even better,
he and his doctor fell in love!
All: Aw!
Mr. Campbell,
thank you so much for warming them up.
♪
Finish her!
Okay, kids, whoever sings better gets to stay as your teacher,
and the other has to drive out to the desert to die.
Bring it.
It's a teacher sing-off!
♪ I believe the children are our future ♪
No, I do!
♪ Teach them well, and let them lead the way ♪
♪ Show them all the beauty they possess inside ♪
♪ G-G-G-G-Give them a sense of pride ♪
♪ A lonely place to be ♪
♪ And so I learned to depend on me ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yow ♪
♪ N-N-N-N-N-N-N-No, no, no, no, no, no ♪
I can't believe this. ♪ Eeeeeeeh ♪
♪ Caw, caw, c-c-caw ♪
Both: ♪ Can't take away my dignity-y-y-y ♪
Yeah! That was so great!
Maybe we do work better together.
I'm sorry I tried to steal your job.
And I'm sorry I tried to kill you by cutting your brakes.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Only if you're thinking what I'm thinking.
Let's sing the 1987 hit "I Knew You Were Waiting"
by Aretha Franklin and George Michael,
abridged karaoke version!
♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
- Ooh, that's my favorite. - I'd like to try that.
[ Chuckles ] Um, did we just agree to become best frenemies?
Bitch, you know we did.
No!
No friends! Only enemies!
You don't own me!
- [ Panting ] - Oh, everything okay?
Yeah, I'm just hot off a psychotic break.
[ Laughs ]
Anyway, did you hear the goss about Ethan's dad?
Ooh, spill the tea!
Word is he's getting indicted.
♪