[ Children laughing ]
Ugh, how is it that every kid
seems to have their birthday party in the same six weeks?
Aw, they're not that bad.
[ Grunts, chuckles weakly ]
We've got three more this weekend.
Only three? Lucky.
We've got five.
See you guys...
[ Children laughing, shouting ]
♪
This party rules!
I can't wait for my party next weekend.
[ Chuckling nervously ] Us, too...
Can't wait... [ Chuckles weakly ]
I can't take any more forced fun.
Just kill me now. [ Shouts ]
[ Groans ] Thank you.
♪
Okay, I've booked the magician for Candice's party,
ordered the cake, I bought the decorations,
and scored some Xanax to get us through it.
When did birthday parties become so not fun?
Yeah, I feel like the parents deserve a party
just for going to all these parties.
Wait, can we do that? Do what?
Throw a party for the parents at the same time as Candice's party.
Can we do that?
I'll get Pearle to watch the kids! I'm ordering a keg.
Oh, my God, we could do weed delivery.
Siri, how do you make peyote?
Let's buy cocaine!
Too far? Too far.
[ Children laughing, screaming ]
Hey! [ Blows whistle ]
Put that snot back in your nose!
[ Gasps ] That cake is ginormous.
Here comes the cavalry! Mom, Dad!
Come into the bounce house with me!
It's so fun!
We have to bring this to the garage, sweetie.
You go have fun with your friends.
Hmm...
[ Electronic dance music plays ]
This is how you celebrate a kid's birthday.
No kid shit, just booze.
Wow! Cookies you can eat?
My favorite!
We're the best parents.
[ Clears throat ] Candice... [ Chuckles ]
You're not supposed to be in here. But you are.
Uh, let's get off the big metal juice box, sweetie.
Everybody, we'll be right back. Drink up!
[ Cheering ]
Hey, look, the magician's here!
You can set up over there and start whenever you're ready.
The Amazing Sardini is always ready!
But where are the parents?
Well, we had this idea that the parents
could have their own party.
Cool, right? We got tired of the standard
kids birthday party thing.
But magic is an all-ages entertainment.
Don't you want to see the look on your children's faces
when I create... illusions?
Yeah... We had this awesome idea
that the parents could have a party.
So...
Uhh...
[ Panting ]
[ Cheering ]
Oh, yeah, whippin' out the six pack!
- Whoo-hoo! - Oh, my God.
Wouldn't it be funny if we all made out?
Ha, let's get naked and fight!
- [ Grunts ] - Ow! I'm down.
What the butt?! We were gone for five minutes!
What'd you expect?
You gave a bunch of parents a keg.
Everyone knows once you have kids you can't hold your liquor.
Whoo! I just had a Corona!
- [ Groans ] - [ Gasps ]
[ Moaning ]
And what's the first rule of Naked Fight Club?
Hey, some nerd is doing magic.
Let's go make fun of him.
What seems like an ordinary handkerchief
is actually a magic handkerchief. [ Dove cooing ]
[ Parents shouting indistinctly ] Okay, guys. Let's get back into the garage.
- Fake thumb! - Magic sucks!
Suck your own [bleep]! [ Gasps ]
Ma'am! There are children here!
[ Cheering ]
Hey kids, watch me make this beer disappear.
[ Children eww ] Shut up!
It's a stout, and it's my second!
Ladies and gentlemen, if everyone could please respect
the art of magic for a moment.
[ Booing and jeering ]
Enough! You wanted a party
without children, did you not?
[ Indistinct chatter ]
Exite cerimonia!
[ Pops ]
[ Cheering ]
Now that's a good trick.
I took a class at the Magic Castle, so...
Uh... What just happened?
Did he just... actually...
What did you do?! Where are the kids?!
I sent them somewhere they can enjoy a real birthday party,
which you clearly cannot provide.
If you want them, put on the hats and go get them.
[ Snaps finger ]
Alex, Bridgette!
Keep the parents distracted.
Hey, I think there's some artisanal pizzas
in the garage...
Ready? Let's do this.
[ Pops ]
[ Both gasp ]
Where the hell are we?
Gifty: Birthday World, ya silly bean!
A land of nonstop fun where the currency is laughs
and it's illegal to frown!
Just kidding, we don't have government here.
O-kay... Where are the kids?
They're atop Mount Cake in Castle Joy!
Yay, Castle Joy!
[ Children screaming ]
And what's happens in Castle Joy?
A never-ending birthday party! It's like Chuck E. Cheese,
except soon your children will forget they even have parents...
[distorted ] and choose to stay here for all eternity.
[ Normal voice ] Yaaaaay!
[ Dings ] This place is a nightmare.
Come on!
[ Growling ]
♪
[ Screaming ]
[ Chomping ]
♪
[ Both gasp ]
[ Balloons squeaking ]
♪
[ Children screaming ]
Candice? We're coming!
[ Screaming continues ]
[ Children cheering ]
Candice?
Are you okay? Candice?
[ Laughs ] Gotcha! [ Both gasp ]
Together: Sardini!
[ Children groaning ]
Give us back our daughter, Sardini.
We survived all your challenges.
[ Laughs ] But the most important challenges
are yet to come. [ Grunts ]
[ Both shout ]
First, you must select all images
with traffic lights on them!
Really?
Sorry, it's part of the procedure.
We need to make sure you're not a bot.
[ Window blipping ]
[ Window chimes ]
Nice, Em!
Next, a test of how well you know your daughter.
[ Ominous organ plays ]
What is her favorite kind of birthday cake?
Easy, she likes strawberries.
No! [ Organ blares ]
[ Screams ] No!
It's a trick question!
Candice loves all cake.
Her favorite is going to be the biggest one.
Oh, yeah!
Very good.
Now, what is her favorite birthday activity?
Well, she did say she wanted to bounce with us.
But remember how hard she laughed
when we played musical chairs and I fell on my face?
She also loves it when I swing the piñata.
Don't worry, children! If they get it wrong,
you'll spend the rest of your days
living off of nutritious Necco Wafers!
Yaaay!
[ Roaring ]
It could be any of these things.
That's the answer. It's all of these.
Her favorite activity is the one she does with us.
You are correct!
But for your final test,
answer the question of a special guest.
Mom, Dad?
Candice! [ Breathing heavily ]
Ah-ah-ah, first you answer the question.
Uh...
Why'd you guys want to spend time in the garage
instead of with me?
We blew it, honey. We didn't mean to ignore you.
We just wanted to do something nice for the parents,
and we got wrapped up in it.
Sometimes parents want to have grown-up fun,
but we were selfish. Today should've been about you.
And to show me how sorry you are you'll get me an iPad Pro?
Well... [ Both chuckling nervously ]
Great. Amazing Sardini, this place is cool,
but I'd like to finish my party at home.
Very well.
-Candice!
Congratulations, parents.
You learned the true meaning of birthdays.
Hooray!
[ Hacking ]
You are free to go.
Candice, I must admit I was hoping
you would choose to stay here with me.
You see, I have no children of my own.
I can't have them.
Skateboarding accident when I was a teen.
I was doing a trick on a handrail.
I think you can imagine how that went. [ Inaudible ]
The one thing that gives my life purpose
is letting children d... d...
Guess it's just you and me again.
There, there, Sardini.
[ Slurping ] Both moaning ]
Unwrap me... Oh, yes, mmm...
Oh, Gifty...
[ Parents snoring ] And the 12th thing only a true '90s kid will remember...
is Tamagotchis.
[ Snoring ]
Hey, I thought they'd never fall asleep.
Aww... they look so peaceful.
[ Cheering and laughter ] I-I'm awake!
I was watching them the whole time. [ Breathes deeply ]
[ Whispering ] Shhh! We just got them down!
Can I go in the bouncy house?
- With you guys? - Let's get in that bounce house.
As a family!
[ Laughter ]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, tell me more about this
universal basic income.
[ Electronic dance music plays ]
Hey, man, you do you.
♪