[ T-Rex roars ]
Teller: Next customer, please.
You excited to open your very first savings account?
Yeah! Coin purses are for kids.
[ Explosion ]
[ Crowd screaming ]
[ Metal shinks ] [ Screaming ]
[ Roaring ] [ Screaming continues ]
[ Screaming ]
[ Bones rattle ]
- [ Growls ] - [ Screams ]
What do I do?
Run!
Josh?
♪
Here at First Bank of Hollywood,
our interest rates are out-of-this-world!
[ Camera shutter clicking ]
♪
Wow, ha, guess you, uh, would expect high-production values
from Bank of Hollywood, huh?
You know what we didn't expect?
For you to bail on your family!
Hey, Earthling. Here's a free coin purse.
We also have super-low interest rates on our divorce loans.
Here's my card.
[ Gagging ]
♪
Of course I want to be the kind of guy
who'll protect his family if shit goes down.
You wanna be John McClane. Exactly.
But when it comes to "fight or flight,"
my body just always picks flight.
So... More of a John McLame?
- Nailed it. - Haha, points!
You hush up, Randy!
Not everyone's born brave.
Shoot, at the police academy, we'd have recruits
come in all jumpy as hell, scared of their own peckers.
Oh, we called handguns "peckers."
Penises we called "shotguns,"
and shotguns we called "long dongs."
Anyway, with my training
I'd built 'em up into tough-ass L.A. cops.
Wait, Pearle, could you do that for me?
Train me to be brave when my family's in danger?
Pearle? [ Both shout ]
[ Thuds ] We've already begun.
[ Chuckling ] Oh, man. This is gonna be so sweet.
[ Dog growling, barking ]
[ Screaming ] Oh! Oh, nooo!
Randy? Woof, woof!
[ Panting ]
Tastes like fear!
Lesson Number One: Danger's gonna come at you
from every direction.
Now, Alex made a scale replica of Candice
out of eggs that you have to protect at all times.
[ Button clicks ] Daddy! Help me!
I made an Emily, too.
That's so many eggs.
Your coward gut is gonna tell you to run,
so you've gotta listen to your brain and fight!
[ Groans ] Ha!
Your dong's telling you "owww!"
Your environment is your weapon!
[ Grunting ]
[ Shouting ]
[ Both grunt ]
They can't get you if they can't see you.
[ Chuckling ]
But don't ever apply fence varnish to your face.
And finally, when you expect danger,
danger can't expect you!
[ Straining ]
[ Grunts ] [ Shouts ]
Now your dong's telling you ow.
[ Screaming ] Oww! Yes!
I'm brave!
Simmer down, Thin Diesel. This backyard stuff
was just phase one of the training.
Phase two's gonna come at you in the real world
when you least expect it.
And boy is it gonna blow... your... mind.
Bring it on.
[ Grunting ]
[ Eggs squishing ]
[ Saxophone playing ]
♪ Deck the halls with Q4 profits ♪
Up 13% year after year.
[ Saxophone continues ]
[ Glasses shatter ]
[ Crowd exclaiming ]
Whoa...
Hey folks, it's been a heckuva year for Food Corps!
But next year'll be even better when we unveil...
the Barbecue-Cumber!
Narrator: We took a pig and a cucumber
and combined them. [ Pig squeals ]
The Barbecue-Cumber.
Cool.
Hot as a cucumber.
I mean a cucumber that tastes like pulled pork?
Ka-ching!
[ Grunting ] Hoo, ha! Hyah! Ha!
And that, my friends, is how you disarm
somebody who's holding a churro.
[ Chomps ] Yeah, real awesome, Josh.
Tell me, did Pearle teach you how to disarm a fake alien?
Oh, ha ha ha.
I can take your sarcasm
'cause I am a changed man, Em.
[ Pops ] [ Screams ] Gun!
[ Groaning ]
[ Breaks squeaking ]
♪
Ha, wow, could you be any more terrorist-y?
Huh, wow.
Could you be any more dying now?
[ Water slamming ]
Damn it, Josh. All that training and for what?
Ah man, my best white slip-ons!
[ Gunshot, glass shattering ]
Geez, they really like champagne.
Jan: Now punch that one over there! [ Punches ]
Wait, That's not the sound of people enjoying sparkling wine. [ People screaming ]
[ Gasps deeply ]
♪
Phase two's gonna come at you in the real world
when you least expect it.
Phase two!
Pearle's simulating a terrorist takeover
just like in "Die Hard 2," except in a building!
Alright, Josh, let's do this.
[ Sleigh bells ringing ]
♪
[ German accent ] Hey! Where you think you're going?
[ Chuckles ] To save my family.
[ Growling ] Whoa, you're really going for it.
Love the commitment. What are you babbling about?
[ Chuckles ] So good.
Hoo! Ha! Hyah! [ Shouts ]
[ Grunting loudly ]
Oh, my God...
Pearle hired professional stunt men!
You want the Barbecue-Cumber?
But it's not even available yet.
Exactly, Mr. "Shark Tank" CEO.
That is why you will be opening your vault
to be giving us the genetic sequence.
What are you, some kind of environmental activists?
Capitalists. A vegetable
that is tasting like smokey barbecue?
[ Chuckles ] We will be selling to highest bidder.
Probably Whole Foods.
You'll have to kill me for it!
No, no, don't, don't. I was just kidding.
We're insured for this sort of thing.
Okee-dokee, let's get that vault open before the killing.
Emily, what's my password? I don't know, Mr. Salt.
That's okay. We've got a protocol
for this type of situation.
"Who was your best friend in grade school?"
Oh, geez, how could I choose just one?
Are you even to be kidding me right now?!
Josh, remember,
your environment is your weapon.
[ Squashes ]
They can't get you if they can't see you.
Jan: Juergen, we might needing start blowing ze up the vault.
Juergen, comings in.
Juergen!
Josh: Sorry, pal. Juergen just got creamed.
Who is this?
Your worst nightmare.
Oh, man, that was so badass!
Oh, gotta unsqueeze the button... [ Static ]
Daddy?
[ Josh grunting ]
Who is this Green Day American idiot?!
I-I honestly don't know.
Just some super-sexy hero type?
I just remembered it!
"My name is Mr. Salt,"
and the "E" is a three.
[ Vault chiming, beeping ]
♪
[ Sniffs deeply ]
[ Exhales deeply ]
The Barbecue-Cumber.
Soon I am being a billionaire.
[ Hose clanking ]
[ Punching ]
Final boss time!
Not another step, Mr. George W. Cowboy.
Daddy! It's okay, sweetie.
Daddy's crushing this simulation.
What simulation?! You know, this.
Pearle was training me to be brave.
These guys are all a part of it.
Josh, no, this is real.
These guys are real bad guys.
Suuure, Em.
And I bet this paintball gun shoots real bullets, too, huh?
This is real!
[ Sizzling ] And it was Karl's first day on job.
Well, internship.
Oh, man. Oh, man.
Josh! Keep it together!
So pathetic.
And now, Mr. Chocolate Chip Coward,
it is being time for you to die.
[ Slo-mo laughter ]
[ Slo-mo panting ]
Run! Let's get outta here!
No, we fight! Right?
Don't look at me, I'm just your dong.
I vote we run!
Well, if we have to run,
at least run in the right direction!
[ Electricity crackling ]
[ Panting ]
[ Slo-mo laughter continues ]
[ Slo-mo panting continues ]
[ Squishes ] No! I wanted no part of this.
[ Straining ]
[ Slo-mo ] Nooo!
[ Grunts ]
[ Popcorn popping ]
[ Electric guitar "Jingle Bells" plays ]
Oh my, God, Josh! You're shot!
Where's... There's... There's no blood.
Whoooaaa...
Saved by out-of-this-world savings.
Man, if this is what they do for Christmas,
I've gotta be here for New Year's.
Hey, wait a minute.
I wonder what phase two really was.
[ Chuckling ] Oh, man. He's gonna shit!
♪