1 00:00:01,397 --> 00:00:03,392 [ T-Rex roars ] 2 00:00:03,394 --> 00:00:05,394 Teller: Next customer, please. 3 00:00:05,396 --> 00:00:07,436 You excited to open your very first savings account? 4 00:00:08,378 --> 00:00:10,394 Yeah! Coin purses are for kids. 5 00:00:10,396 --> 00:00:12,383 [ Explosion ] 6 00:00:12,385 --> 00:00:14,394 [ Crowd screaming ] 7 00:00:14,396 --> 00:00:17,377 [ Metal shinks ] [ Screaming ] 8 00:00:17,379 --> 00:00:19,388 [ Roaring ] [ Screaming continues ] 9 00:00:19,390 --> 00:00:25,385 [ Screaming ] 10 00:00:25,387 --> 00:00:27,377 [ Bones rattle ] 11 00:00:27,379 --> 00:00:28,394 - [ Growls ] - [ Screams ] 12 00:00:28,396 --> 00:00:30,393 What do I do? 13 00:00:30,395 --> 00:00:32,395 Run! 14 00:00:32,397 --> 00:00:34,390 Josh? 15 00:00:35,392 --> 00:00:38,391 ♪ 16 00:00:38,393 --> 00:00:40,387 Here at First Bank of Hollywood, 17 00:00:40,389 --> 00:00:44,377 our interest rates are out-of-this-world! 18 00:00:46,384 --> 00:00:47,397 [ Camera shutter clicking ] 19 00:00:47,399 --> 00:00:53,385 ♪ 20 00:00:53,387 --> 00:00:56,395 Wow, ha, guess you, uh, would expect high-production values 21 00:00:56,397 --> 00:00:57,517 from Bank of Hollywood, huh? 22 00:00:58,378 --> 00:00:59,394 You know what we didn't expect? 23 00:00:59,396 --> 00:01:02,379 For you to bail on your family! 24 00:01:05,385 --> 00:01:07,399 Hey, Earthling. Here's a free coin purse. 25 00:01:09,388 --> 00:01:12,384 We also have super-low interest rates on our divorce loans. 26 00:01:12,386 --> 00:01:13,390 Here's my card. 27 00:01:13,392 --> 00:01:15,400 [ Gagging ] 28 00:01:16,378 --> 00:01:29,381 ♪ 29 00:01:29,383 --> 00:01:30,394 Of course I want to be the kind of guy 30 00:01:30,396 --> 00:01:33,384 who'll protect his family if shit goes down. 31 00:01:33,386 --> 00:01:35,387 You wanna be John McClane. Exactly. 32 00:01:35,389 --> 00:01:36,395 But when it comes to "fight or flight," 33 00:01:36,397 --> 00:01:38,390 my body just always picks flight. 34 00:01:38,392 --> 00:01:41,386 So... More of a John McLame? 35 00:01:41,388 --> 00:01:43,390 - Nailed it. - Haha, points! 36 00:01:43,392 --> 00:01:44,399 You hush up, Randy! 37 00:01:45,377 --> 00:01:46,393 Not everyone's born brave. 38 00:01:46,395 --> 00:01:49,382 Shoot, at the police academy, we'd have recruits 39 00:01:49,384 --> 00:01:52,392 come in all jumpy as hell, scared of their own peckers. 40 00:01:53,395 --> 00:01:56,381 Oh, we called handguns "peckers." 41 00:01:56,383 --> 00:01:58,378 Penises we called "shotguns," 42 00:01:58,380 --> 00:02:00,391 and shotguns we called "long dongs." 43 00:02:00,393 --> 00:02:02,381 Anyway, with my training 44 00:02:02,383 --> 00:02:06,382 I'd built 'em up into tough-ass L.A. cops. 45 00:02:06,384 --> 00:02:08,388 Wait, Pearle, could you do that for me? 46 00:02:08,390 --> 00:02:12,379 Train me to be brave when my family's in danger? 47 00:02:12,381 --> 00:02:14,379 Pearle? [ Both shout ] 48 00:02:14,381 --> 00:02:16,397 [ Thuds ] We've already begun. 49 00:02:16,399 --> 00:02:19,398 [ Chuckling ] Oh, man. This is gonna be so sweet. 50 00:02:19,400 --> 00:02:22,386 [ Dog growling, barking ] 51 00:02:22,388 --> 00:02:25,396 [ Screaming ] Oh! Oh, nooo! 52 00:02:25,398 --> 00:02:27,394 Randy? Woof, woof! 53 00:02:27,396 --> 00:02:29,394 [ Panting ] 54 00:02:29,396 --> 00:02:31,389 Tastes like fear! 55 00:02:31,391 --> 00:02:34,386 Lesson Number One: Danger's gonna come at you 56 00:02:34,388 --> 00:02:35,393 from every direction. 57 00:02:35,395 --> 00:02:38,378 Now, Alex made a scale replica of Candice 58 00:02:38,380 --> 00:02:40,397 out of eggs that you have to protect at all times. 59 00:02:40,399 --> 00:02:43,386 [ Button clicks ] Daddy! Help me! 60 00:02:43,388 --> 00:02:45,384 I made an Emily, too. 61 00:02:47,383 --> 00:02:48,396 That's so many eggs. 62 00:02:48,398 --> 00:02:51,387 Your coward gut is gonna tell you to run, 63 00:02:51,389 --> 00:02:55,379 so you've gotta listen to your brain and fight! 64 00:02:55,381 --> 00:02:56,387 [ Groans ] Ha! 65 00:02:56,389 --> 00:02:59,384 Your dong's telling you "owww!" 66 00:03:03,381 --> 00:03:06,382 Your environment is your weapon! 67 00:03:06,384 --> 00:03:08,390 [ Grunting ] 68 00:03:08,392 --> 00:03:10,390 [ Shouting ] 69 00:03:10,392 --> 00:03:11,399 [ Both grunt ] 70 00:03:12,377 --> 00:03:15,395 They can't get you if they can't see you. 71 00:03:18,395 --> 00:03:21,381 [ Chuckling ] 72 00:03:21,383 --> 00:03:24,386 But don't ever apply fence varnish to your face. 73 00:03:24,388 --> 00:03:27,386 And finally, when you expect danger, 74 00:03:27,388 --> 00:03:29,393 danger can't expect you! 75 00:03:32,379 --> 00:03:33,383 [ Straining ] 76 00:03:33,385 --> 00:03:35,387 [ Grunts ] [ Shouts ] 77 00:03:35,389 --> 00:03:38,383 Now your dong's telling you ow. 78 00:03:38,385 --> 00:03:40,400 [ Screaming ] Oww! Yes! 79 00:03:41,378 --> 00:03:42,396 I'm brave! 80 00:03:42,398 --> 00:03:45,396 Simmer down, Thin Diesel. This backyard stuff 81 00:03:45,398 --> 00:03:47,394 was just phase one of the training. 82 00:03:47,396 --> 00:03:50,385 Phase two's gonna come at you in the real world 83 00:03:50,387 --> 00:03:51,393 when you least expect it. 84 00:03:51,395 --> 00:03:56,384 And boy is it gonna blow... your... mind. 85 00:03:56,386 --> 00:03:58,382 Bring it on. 86 00:03:58,384 --> 00:04:00,379 [ Grunting ] 87 00:04:00,381 --> 00:04:01,397 [ Eggs squishing ] 88 00:04:01,399 --> 00:04:05,382 [ Saxophone playing ] 89 00:04:05,384 --> 00:04:08,393 ♪ Deck the halls with Q4 profits ♪ 90 00:04:08,395 --> 00:04:12,382 Up 13% year after year. 91 00:04:12,384 --> 00:04:14,378 [ Saxophone continues ] 92 00:04:14,380 --> 00:04:15,395 [ Glasses shatter ] 93 00:04:15,397 --> 00:04:17,398 [ Crowd exclaiming ] 94 00:04:17,400 --> 00:04:19,392 Whoa... 95 00:04:19,394 --> 00:04:23,377 Hey folks, it's been a heckuva year for Food Corps! 96 00:04:23,379 --> 00:04:27,377 But next year'll be even better when we unveil... 97 00:04:27,379 --> 00:04:29,394 the Barbecue-Cumber! 98 00:04:31,397 --> 00:04:34,389 Narrator: We took a pig and a cucumber 99 00:04:34,391 --> 00:04:37,381 and combined them. [ Pig squeals ] 100 00:04:37,383 --> 00:04:39,381 The Barbecue-Cumber. 101 00:04:39,383 --> 00:04:40,397 Cool. 102 00:04:40,399 --> 00:04:44,382 Hot as a cucumber. 103 00:04:44,384 --> 00:04:48,377 I mean a cucumber that tastes like pulled pork? 104 00:04:48,379 --> 00:04:49,381 Ka-ching! 105 00:04:49,383 --> 00:04:52,381 [ Grunting ] Hoo, ha! Hyah! Ha! 106 00:04:52,383 --> 00:04:53,394 And that, my friends, is how you disarm 107 00:04:53,396 --> 00:04:55,390 somebody who's holding a churro. 108 00:04:55,392 --> 00:04:58,386 [ Chomps ] Yeah, real awesome, Josh. 109 00:04:58,388 --> 00:05:02,378 Tell me, did Pearle teach you how to disarm a fake alien? 110 00:05:02,380 --> 00:05:03,388 Oh, ha ha ha. 111 00:05:03,390 --> 00:05:04,397 I can take your sarcasm 112 00:05:04,399 --> 00:05:07,384 'cause I am a changed man, Em. 113 00:05:07,386 --> 00:05:10,391 [ Pops ] [ Screams ] Gun! 114 00:05:10,393 --> 00:05:13,386 [ Groaning ] 115 00:05:13,388 --> 00:05:15,377 [ Breaks squeaking ] 116 00:05:15,379 --> 00:05:20,385 ♪ 117 00:05:20,387 --> 00:05:24,384 Ha, wow, could you be any more terrorist-y? 118 00:05:24,386 --> 00:05:25,397 Huh, wow. 119 00:05:25,399 --> 00:05:29,382 Could you be any more dying now? 120 00:05:29,384 --> 00:05:32,384 [ Water slamming ] 121 00:05:32,386 --> 00:05:35,391 Damn it, Josh. All that training and for what? 122 00:05:35,393 --> 00:05:39,384 Ah man, my best white slip-ons! 123 00:05:39,386 --> 00:05:40,392 [ Gunshot, glass shattering ] 124 00:05:40,394 --> 00:05:42,387 Geez, they really like champagne. 125 00:05:42,389 --> 00:05:44,392 Jan: Now punch that one over there! [ Punches ] 126 00:05:44,394 --> 00:05:49,380 Wait, That's not the sound of people enjoying sparkling wine. [ People screaming ] 127 00:05:51,378 --> 00:05:52,386 [ Gasps deeply ] 128 00:05:52,388 --> 00:05:57,383 ♪ 129 00:05:57,385 --> 00:05:59,397 Phase two's gonna come at you in the real world 130 00:05:59,399 --> 00:06:01,393 when you least expect it. 131 00:06:01,395 --> 00:06:02,399 Phase two! 132 00:06:03,377 --> 00:06:05,385 Pearle's simulating a terrorist takeover 133 00:06:05,387 --> 00:06:08,391 just like in "Die Hard 2," except in a building! 134 00:06:08,393 --> 00:06:10,399 Alright, Josh, let's do this. 135 00:06:11,377 --> 00:06:12,394 [ Sleigh bells ringing ] 136 00:06:12,396 --> 00:06:17,391 ♪ 137 00:06:17,393 --> 00:06:20,377 [ German accent ] Hey! Where you think you're going? 138 00:06:20,379 --> 00:06:22,385 [ Chuckles ] To save my family. 139 00:06:22,387 --> 00:06:24,400 [ Growling ] Whoa, you're really going for it. 140 00:06:25,378 --> 00:06:28,389 Love the commitment. What are you babbling about? 141 00:06:28,391 --> 00:06:30,388 [ Chuckles ] So good. 142 00:06:30,390 --> 00:06:32,400 Hoo! Ha! Hyah! [ Shouts ] 143 00:06:33,378 --> 00:06:36,398 [ Grunting loudly ] 144 00:06:36,400 --> 00:06:38,392 Oh, my God... 145 00:06:38,394 --> 00:06:41,387 Pearle hired professional stunt men! 146 00:06:41,389 --> 00:06:42,394 You want the Barbecue-Cumber? 147 00:06:42,396 --> 00:06:44,400 But it's not even available yet. 148 00:06:45,378 --> 00:06:48,396 Exactly, Mr. "Shark Tank" CEO. 149 00:06:48,398 --> 00:06:51,392 That is why you will be opening your vault 150 00:06:51,394 --> 00:06:53,400 to be giving us the genetic sequence. 151 00:06:54,378 --> 00:06:56,387 What are you, some kind of environmental activists? 152 00:06:56,389 --> 00:06:58,388 Capitalists. A vegetable 153 00:06:58,390 --> 00:07:01,377 that is tasting like smokey barbecue? 154 00:07:01,379 --> 00:07:04,387 [ Chuckles ] We will be selling to highest bidder. 155 00:07:04,389 --> 00:07:05,399 Probably Whole Foods. 156 00:07:06,377 --> 00:07:08,378 You'll have to kill me for it! 157 00:07:08,380 --> 00:07:09,397 No, no, don't, don't. I was just kidding. 158 00:07:09,399 --> 00:07:11,396 We're insured for this sort of thing. 159 00:07:11,398 --> 00:07:16,381 Okee-dokee, let's get that vault open before the killing. 160 00:07:16,383 --> 00:07:19,382 Emily, what's my password? I don't know, Mr. Salt. 161 00:07:19,384 --> 00:07:21,381 That's okay. We've got a protocol 162 00:07:21,383 --> 00:07:23,389 for this type of situation. 163 00:07:23,391 --> 00:07:26,377 "Who was your best friend in grade school?" 164 00:07:26,379 --> 00:07:28,389 Oh, geez, how could I choose just one? 165 00:07:28,391 --> 00:07:34,396 Are you even to be kidding me right now?! 166 00:07:34,398 --> 00:07:36,382 Josh, remember, 167 00:07:36,384 --> 00:07:38,399 your environment is your weapon. 168 00:07:42,382 --> 00:07:44,395 [ Squashes ] 169 00:07:44,397 --> 00:07:48,381 They can't get you if they can't see you. 170 00:07:48,383 --> 00:07:53,393 Jan: Juergen, we might needing start blowing ze up the vault. 171 00:07:55,392 --> 00:07:57,391 Juergen, comings in. 172 00:07:57,393 --> 00:07:58,400 Juergen! 173 00:07:59,378 --> 00:08:02,383 Josh: Sorry, pal. Juergen just got creamed. 174 00:08:02,385 --> 00:08:03,396 Who is this? 175 00:08:03,398 --> 00:08:06,385 Your worst nightmare. 176 00:08:06,387 --> 00:08:08,381 Oh, man, that was so badass! 177 00:08:08,383 --> 00:08:10,392 Oh, gotta unsqueeze the button... [ Static ] 178 00:08:10,394 --> 00:08:11,396 Daddy? 179 00:08:11,398 --> 00:08:16,380 [ Josh grunting ] 180 00:08:18,384 --> 00:08:22,387 Who is this Green Day American idiot?! 181 00:08:22,389 --> 00:08:23,396 I-I honestly don't know. 182 00:08:23,398 --> 00:08:26,384 Just some super-sexy hero type? 183 00:08:26,386 --> 00:08:28,392 I just remembered it! 184 00:08:28,394 --> 00:08:30,385 "My name is Mr. Salt," 185 00:08:30,387 --> 00:08:32,387 and the "E" is a three. 186 00:08:32,389 --> 00:08:34,399 [ Vault chiming, beeping ] 187 00:08:35,377 --> 00:08:41,384 ♪ 188 00:08:41,386 --> 00:08:42,390 [ Sniffs deeply ] 189 00:08:42,392 --> 00:08:43,400 [ Exhales deeply ] 190 00:08:44,378 --> 00:08:46,379 The Barbecue-Cumber. 191 00:08:46,381 --> 00:08:50,379 Soon I am being a billionaire. 192 00:08:50,381 --> 00:08:51,395 [ Hose clanking ] 193 00:08:54,377 --> 00:08:57,397 [ Punching ] 194 00:08:57,399 --> 00:09:00,385 Final boss time! 195 00:09:00,387 --> 00:09:04,389 Not another step, Mr. George W. Cowboy. 196 00:09:04,391 --> 00:09:06,388 Daddy! It's okay, sweetie. 197 00:09:06,390 --> 00:09:08,389 Daddy's crushing this simulation. 198 00:09:08,391 --> 00:09:11,377 What simulation?! You know, this. 199 00:09:11,379 --> 00:09:12,388 Pearle was training me to be brave. 200 00:09:12,390 --> 00:09:14,378 These guys are all a part of it. 201 00:09:14,380 --> 00:09:15,396 Josh, no, this is real. 202 00:09:15,398 --> 00:09:17,381 These guys are real bad guys. 203 00:09:17,383 --> 00:09:18,393 Suuure, Em. 204 00:09:18,395 --> 00:09:22,381 And I bet this paintball gun shoots real bullets, too, huh? 205 00:09:24,387 --> 00:09:25,399 This is real! 206 00:09:28,393 --> 00:09:32,391 [ Sizzling ] And it was Karl's first day on job. 207 00:09:32,393 --> 00:09:34,395 Well, internship. 208 00:09:34,397 --> 00:09:36,382 Oh, man. Oh, man. 209 00:09:36,384 --> 00:09:38,379 Josh! Keep it together! 210 00:09:38,381 --> 00:09:40,398 So pathetic. 211 00:09:40,400 --> 00:09:43,400 And now, Mr. Chocolate Chip Coward, 212 00:09:44,378 --> 00:09:47,385 it is being time for you to die. 213 00:09:47,387 --> 00:09:51,390 [ Slo-mo laughter ] 214 00:09:51,392 --> 00:09:54,394 [ Slo-mo panting ] 215 00:09:54,396 --> 00:09:56,393 Run! Let's get outta here! 216 00:09:56,395 --> 00:09:58,385 No, we fight! Right? 217 00:09:58,387 --> 00:10:00,383 Don't look at me, I'm just your dong. 218 00:10:00,385 --> 00:10:01,398 I vote we run! 219 00:10:01,400 --> 00:10:03,389 Well, if we have to run, 220 00:10:03,391 --> 00:10:06,378 at least run in the right direction! 221 00:10:06,380 --> 00:10:09,379 [ Electricity crackling ] 222 00:10:09,381 --> 00:10:10,383 [ Panting ] 223 00:10:10,385 --> 00:10:12,390 [ Slo-mo laughter continues ] 224 00:10:12,392 --> 00:10:16,393 [ Slo-mo panting continues ] 225 00:10:16,395 --> 00:10:19,399 [ Squishes ] No! I wanted no part of this. 226 00:10:20,377 --> 00:10:24,385 [ Straining ] 227 00:10:24,387 --> 00:10:27,382 [ Slo-mo ] Nooo! 228 00:10:27,384 --> 00:10:30,378 [ Grunts ] 229 00:10:30,380 --> 00:10:31,398 [ Popcorn popping ] 230 00:10:31,400 --> 00:10:35,382 [ Electric guitar "Jingle Bells" plays ] 231 00:10:35,384 --> 00:10:38,386 Oh my, God, Josh! You're shot! 232 00:10:38,388 --> 00:10:41,383 Where's... There's... There's no blood. 233 00:10:43,381 --> 00:10:44,386 Whoooaaa... 234 00:10:44,388 --> 00:10:46,398 Saved by out-of-this-world savings. 235 00:10:46,400 --> 00:10:49,378 Man, if this is what they do for Christmas, 236 00:10:49,380 --> 00:10:51,391 I've gotta be here for New Year's. 237 00:10:51,393 --> 00:10:52,398 Hey, wait a minute. 238 00:10:52,400 --> 00:10:55,394 I wonder what phase two really was. 239 00:10:55,396 --> 00:10:59,390 [ Chuckling ] Oh, man. He's gonna shit! 240 00:10:59,392 --> 00:11:49,392 ♪