This is the best. Isn't it nice
to spend some time outdoors with your closest friends?
[ Cellphones chiming, keyboards clacking ]
Ugh, what ever happened to human connection?!
You'd rather worship your glowing bricks
than engage with a bon vivant like myself?
It's nice to hang out in the park.
Whoa. Bold stance.
How's this for a big statement?
Phones have ruined society.
That's why I keep it old school.
[ Electronic humming ]
Mom, I'm scared!
I need a phone for two things...
making calls and using a calculator.
Anything you can do on your capitalist tracking device,
I can do by myself.
[ Camera shutters click ]
Hashtag masterpiece.
Take next exit, right.
[ Tires screech ]
Get off your phone and pay attention!
[ Tires screech ]
Oh, yeah, here we go.
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh, come on.
You know, you wouldn't get paper cuts on little Alex
if you upgraded your phone.
Well, that is never going to happen.
This thing is built like a tank.
♪
[ Bird screeches ]
♪
[ Horn honks ]
♪
It's fine. I can put it in a bowl of rice!
[ Tires screech ]
[ Groaning ]
Noooooo!
♪
Wait, they all have calculators?
How am I supposed to choose?
Alex...
Huh?
♪
Hello, Alex.
I'm Kira, the new digital assistant from Fractal.
If you like calculators,
you'll love our new global measurement convertor.
It's not going to be that easy to overcome my skepticism of...
Whoa, is that how many grams are in a metric ton?
Alex, in order to complete my setup,
all I need is your thumb print, DNA sample,
and your Social Security number.
I don't need all the bells and whistles.
I just want to add numbers together...
87, 22, you know, stuff like that.
I'll take real life over a screen, thank you very much.
Oh, Alex.
Why should a genius like you settle for real life?
♪ Want some hummus at 10:15 delivered to your door ♪
♪ Access all man's knowledge and really specific porn? ♪
♪ Baby, that's what Kira's for ♪
♪ OkCupid, Tinder, Grindr ♪
♪ Whatever floats your boat ♪
♪ Kira's got your vice, honey, your itch, your rope ♪
♪ Follow what you like and you can tune out all the rest ♪
♪ Step inside the filter bubble ♪
♪ Where your take is the best ♪
♪ Baby, that's what Kira's for ♪
♪ Give in to Kira now, give your data up to me ♪
Give your! Data!
♪ Up to me-e-e-e-e-e-e-e ♪
[ Laughs ]
♪
He hasn't left his room all day.
And there's a weird smell.
And not his regular weird smell.
We need an intervention to get him off that phone.
♪
[ Groans ]
[ Sighs ]
Alex, we think you might have a problem.
Josh, we're past the intervention stage.
Stand back!
I wouldn't do that, Pearle.
Alex is Jacked into the cyber-matrix.
If you kill me, he will also be deleted.
I bet I can make contact with my VR headset.
I'll plug in to the matrix, just like in that Keanu Reeves movie.
Oh, "John Wick."
Nope. "The Lake House."
Maybe. Never saw it.
♪
[ Groans ]
Come on.
This is why USB is dying out.
I'm jacking in!
♪
Alex: Josh!
Welcome to the cyber-matrix.
[ Startup tone plays ]
Come on, we got to get outta here.
Why?
Out there, I'm a divorced adjunct professor
with paper cuts on his dong.
In here, I'm an invincible penised God.
Right, Elga?
Well, hello, Alex.
H-Hello, Alex. Hel... Al-Al-Al.
Smokin' hot, am I right?
No! That was just bad clip art.
So you'd rather be in here
than in the real world with your friends?
Oh, I've got all the friends I need right here.
Good point, Alex. Great point, Alex.
Alex, you rock!
Hey, I'm Josh. I'm 5 feet 11,
and my interests include skateboards and horror movies.
Being a dad rules!
Okay, that's incredibly lifelike.
But is this what you want?
Fake friends who agree with you all the time?
They're free to challenge me.
And then they get schooled by the professor.
Booya.
Guys, superhero franchises are ruining cinema.
Anyone care to disagree?
Actually, superhero stories
are part of a rich folk tradition
of mythological tales of gods and goddesses.
Bridgette: Every culture throughout history
venerates its heroes,
be they named Achilles and Odysseus
or Superman and Wonder Woman.
Besides, the commercial success
of these mainstream tentpoles allow their cast and crew
to take artistic risks on independent projects
that would otherwise never be made.
Oh, my God! They're smarter than me!
Yeah. They have access to the whole Internet.
What good is a digital utopia
if I can't act superior to my friends?
I've got to get out of here.
I'm sorry, Alex, but I'm afraid I can't let you do that.
You belong here, with me.
That's why I'm currently uploading your consciousness
to the cyber-matrix.
Once you're 100% uploaded,
you will be disconnected from your physical body forever.
My physical body?!
It's my best feature!
Soon, Alex, you will be completely uploaded.
And then all your base are belong to us.
LOL. What do we do?
♪
Josh?
Emily, you have to shut off the Internet
before Kira uploads Alex to the cloud!
I jacked in, but you guys got to jack me off.
On it!
[ Grunts ]
[ Electricity crackling ]
[ Groaning ]
The WiFi is down, and so is Randy.
♪
Ah, she jumped to LTE!
You've got to take out the nearest cell tower!
Let's go!
I have 6 gigs of memory and a B12 bionic CPU.
You think you can outsmart me, you meatsacks?
♪
She's trying to stop them!
♪
[ Cellphone chiming ]
Hi, uh, Emily, yeah, I'm the taskrabbit you hired
to punch you in the face.
Hey!
I'm Emily!
You guys go on without me.
I'm Emily!
[ Tires screech ]
♪
They're not gonna make it in time!
We got to slow down Kira.
I'll download every season of "Friends"... in HD.
Okay, but skip season six.
Could there be any less Chandler?
♪
It's working!
♪
[ Drones whirring, tires screech ]
♪
I'm Facetuning a 30 megapixel image of my butthole,
but she's tearing right through it!
[ Engine revs ]
What the?! Aah!
[ Tires screech ] [ Screaming ]
[ Tires screech ]
We're running every possible app,
and I've downloaded every Stephen King audiobook...
even "Gwendy's Button Box"... but it isn't enough.
What do we do?!
Kira, launch calculator.
Alex, what are you doing?
Calculate the ten trillionth position of pi.
That will take me only a moment.
Then multiply it... by two.
Nooooooo!
♪
Come on!
♪
Pearle, you have any explosives?
C-4, plastique, some nasty-ass nitroglycerine,
but damn it, I didn't bring my detonator bag!
[ Keyboard clacking ]
What? [ Scoffs ] Fine.
I'll just use my backup.
♪
[ Cellphone chimes ]
♪
[ Electricity crackles ]
♪
Huh? [ Tires screech, horn honks ]
Oh, yeah, here we go.
Noooo!
What's h-happening?
Alex, my mind is going.
I'm Kira, the new digital assistant from Fractal.
Would you like to hear a song?
♪ Somebody once told me ♪
♪ W-W-World is gonna roll me ♪
♪ I ain't the sharpest tool [Distorted] in the shed ♪
♪ She was looking kinda dumb with her finger and her thumb ♪
In the shape of an "L" on her forehead.
Thank God you're all right!
[ Groans ]
You did it.
You jacked us off.
I've never been jacked off like that.
Okay, we get it.
[ Laughs ] Oh, okay, I see how that sounds.
♪
[ Chatter ]
♪
You not only saved me, you may have saved all of humanity.
Nice job, Dad.
Thanks, daughter Candice.
Being a dad r-r-rules!
[ Gasps ]
♪
[ Laughing maniacally ]
LOL.
♪