♪
[ Yelling in slow-motion ]
Candice: This wasn't how it was supposed to go.
I just wanted to make a little cash,
have a little fun.
But sometimes, even the best plans...
can leave a skid-mark in your shorts.
To understand how we got here,
you've gotta know the legend.
The legend...
of Sauceface.
♪
[ School bell rings ]
[ Both laughing ]
Whoa!
Imagine all the fun we could have with one of those.
Those drones make hopscotch look like foursquare.
Mom!
Can I get a drone? Please, please!
I'd fly it every day and I'd wash it and I'd feed it!
And it would get us involved in stem fields
where girls are traditionally underrepresented.
[ Sighs ]
I wish we could, sweetie,
but we don't have the money for stuff like that.
Yeah, right, Mom.
Then why do we live in a mansion with Alex and Bridgette?
Oh, jeez.
Candice, the "house" we live in is an apartment building.
And Alex and Bridgette only live with us to help us pay for it.
But you have a job, and Dad has a job.
Doesn't that make us rich?
No.
Wait, so we're...
poor?
Man, I had no idea we were poor.
Do your mom and dad have money?
No, my dad does improv.
[ Inhales sharply ] Ooh, I'm so sorry.
Let's face it, drones are for rich kids.
Attencion, everyone.
It's your friendly cafeteria conduct liaison.
Effective immediately our school's banned food list
will now include General Tso's chicken,
because it promotes militarism.
♪
And please, don't push me on this.
Stellan and I just broke up and he took the Peloton
because he technically paid for it,
even though I use it way more than he does.
So, it's a whole thing. Okay, buon appetito!
Oh, stop, stop, stop, stop!
Don't let Campbell see that.
All the food at this school is so bland.
I'll give you a quarter for your hot sauce.
Hmm, one quarter?
I'll give you two dimes.
Whoa! Now we're talking!
Maddie, I think I know how we can buy a drone.
[ The Rolling Stones' "Can't You Hear Me Knocking" plays ]
Candice: And that's how we got into the hot sauce game.
I'd harvest the product at home...
and we'd move it at school.
♪
♪ Yeah, you got satin shoes ♪
Candice: It was red gold, baby.
Red gold.
Maddie had a head for numbers, so she ran the books.
♪ ...plastic boots ♪
♪ Y'all got cocaine eyes ♪
Whoo! I got lightning in my brain!
Candice: Pretty soon, we had other kids dealing for us.
First graders, second graders,
a fourth grader we called Jimmy Two-Times
'cause once he peed himself two times in the same day.
The way we were going, we had enough for a fleet of drones.
Business was so good, it was only a matter of time
'til the cafeteria conduct liaison got wise.
♪ Help me, baby ♪
Picante!
Candice: We needed to throw Campbell off our trail.
Who do you work for?
[ Packets splat ]
♪ Ain't no stranger ♪
So, I came up with an alter ego to take the heat.
A big boss named Sauceface.
[ Whistles ]
♪ Can't you hear my knockin'? ♪
Candice: Tomorrow is the big sit-down with our sister schools.
If all goes well, we expand our operations all over the city.
I don't like it. Campbell is closing in.
We need to lie low. Please.
Mr. Campbell couldn't find a butt
on his own butt.
Candice, we have plenty of money
and we haven't even bought our drone yet.
Isn't that why we started this in the first place?
We move forward with the sit-down.
There are more dimes to be made.
Speaking of, this last payment was supposed to have 873 dimes,
which is exactly $5,000.
But we're four dimes short.
Which one of you is skimming off the top?
You don't want to confess to me?
Okay. Perhaps you'd rather tell...
Wet Willy?
♪
Why, Jade,
that's a very nice Ring Pop you're wearing.
It... It was a gift from my Nan-Nan.
Right. Nan-Nans are the best.
Yeah. Yeah, my Nan-Nan's... Gotcha. My Nan-Nan loves me so much.
[ Screams ]
Hey, cut it out!
Never cross me again, Jade.
Aah! [ Sobbing ]
Jeez, Candice.
I'm not Candice anymore.
I'm... Sauceface.
Ah, that's our time.
Remember, tomorrow is Cher Day,
so bring in a small item
that makes you believe in life after love.
Ethan, please stay behind for uno minuto.
Ooh!
Relax, Ethan, you're not in trouble.
I just wanted to offer you a little after-school snack.
Oh...
Mmm...
Red pepper, salt, garlic, Xanthan gum.
You want it, don't you, Ethan?
[ Breathing heavily ]
First, tell me everything you know.
Okay.
When mommies and daddies love each other,
they touch their butts together and a baby...
No, Ethan. Everything about Sauceface.
Like where I can find him or her or them.
I guess I did hear somebody say a thingy was gonna go down
tomorrow in that room where I eat all the paint.
[ Gasps ] The art room!
Gracias, Ethan.
You all know me, what I do.
And you know what I can do for you.
[ Snaps fingers ]
I think we could be very motivated to move this product
at Temple Beth Emet Day School.
Yeah, samesies for Mayflower Charter.
Excellent. Then let's shake on it.
Mr. Campbell: Sauceface!
I know you're in there!
And as soon as I figure out which key opens this door,
I'm coming in!
You set us up! No!
Someone ratted us out!
Why did I announce I was here before I found the key?
So stupid!
♪
Candice! [ Grunts ]
Ah!
Candice, you need to run!
But... Now!
♪
Well, well, well...
If it isn't Sauceface.
[ Gasps ] No!
This is it for me.
Campbell called in my parents.
I'm gonna be expelled.
But why didn't you tell him you're not Sauceface?
And be a rat?
Maddie, I'm so sorry!
I want to fix this, to go back to how things were before.
We knew the risks of this life.
Forget about me, Candice.
Take the money, buy the drone, make a new best friend.
Mr. Campbell: Stellan, you agreed
I could visit the Peloton on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
My calves are withering away!
♪
Thus proving she's guilty of possession
of banned goods, illegal sales,
and naming herself after an R-rated movie.
These are mostly serious charges.
Maddie, I'm stunned.
I don't want to recommend expulsion.
But I'm afraid it's the only way to close the book
on this dark chapter of... what the butt?
No!
If you're... then who is...
Mr. Campbell, it would seem
that you busted the wrong Sauceface.
Ah! I can't believe I missed my Harold audition for this!
Ted, it's been three years.
You're not getting on a house team.
Sauceface!
[ Children laughing ]
Hey!
♪
Ha! You're cornered, Sauceface!
Surprise!
What? I don't understand.
You're Sauceface?
You mean "Project Sauceface"?
That was our code name.
Maddie and I sold sauce so we could buy you a new Peloton.
We know how hard it's been with Stellan gone.
And, well, you're our favorite teacher.
That's right.
We had to keep it a surprise.
It was our plan all along.
[ Voice breaking ] This is the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.
Did we break the rules? Yes.
But it was the only way we could earn money,
and sometimes you have to break some rules
to mend a broken heart.
Mm...
Wait a second! Five minutes ago, you were gonna expel my daughter!
That was before the children gave me,
like, a $2,000 exercise bike.
So, you were able to buy this thing
just from selling hot sauce packets?
Yeah, kids really love hot sauce.
In that case, the ban is lifted.
The school is selling those packets now.
We need that money for Coach Gary's settlement.
Candice: And just like that, Sauceface was no more.
In the end I gave up my wealth, my business, my spicy empire...
for friendship.
The richest score of them all.
[ Barking ]
[ Both laugh ]
Oh, we gots to get one of those.
Have you ever heard of... shoplifting?