♪
Oh, man. Look at her.
I can't wait for us to play.
We're gonna have so much fun together.
[ Baby laughing ] Blue 42! Hut hut! Hike!
Stiff arm! Spin move!
He passes! He scores!
Josh, support the neck!
Oh, I'm gonna getcha! I'm gonna getcha!
Hey, look at this little baby! Is she ticklish?
[ Laughing ] Ha ha!
Pbht!
Daddy, Daddy, picky up!
Prepare for lift off! [ Laughs ]
Dad!
We saw this really old movie at school today
called "King Kong"!
It had Jack Black in it!
Classic!
Let's play "King Kong"!
[ Both laughing ]
[ Bones crack ] [ Grunts ]
[ Distorted laughter ]
Hmm.
[ Laughter continues ]
[ Snapping ]
Uh, Dad?
Aaah!
♪
Well, Mr. Singleton, no wonder you threw your back out
lifting your daughter.
You have literally zero core strength.
Oh, my God.
Will I ever be able to pick her up again?
Only if you start exercising.
So there's nothing I can do?
Look, you need to work on your core
if you want to get better.
I would like a second opinion.
Start exercising
or you will never lift your daughter again.
♪
[ Sighs ]
Let's do this. For Candice.
[ Grunting ]
[ Groaning, vomiting ]
[ Coughs ]
Jim: You know what they say...
if you ain't pukin', it ain't workin'.
Jim Crunch.
Thank you, strong sir.
You ever get tired of playin' with the pups
and want to run with the big dogs,
I'm right next door.
I want to run with the big dogs.
What we do here isn't just exercise, Josh.
It's a church
where we max out greatness...
annihilate weakness...
and discover unrealized swole-tential.
[ Grunts ]
Weights are my angels, and gains are my God.
We're not just blastin' bodies, we're blastin' lives.
Whoa.
You make it sound like a cult. Thanks!
If you do everything I say and devote yourself
to the swoletown system of WODs...
"workouts of the day"...
you will get the massive gains you deserve.
I just want to be able to lift up my daughter.
When I'm done with you,
you'll be able to kill your daughter.
First, here's you right now, string bean.
But next, you'll get swole.
Then cut.
After that, ripped, yoked, jacked,
and finally, shredded, which is what I am.
[ Grunting ]
Wow. What's that?
Oh, no one has ever achieved absolute unit.
You have to complete the impossible WOD,
which could literally kill you.
Let's focus on getting you swole first, okay?
Well, these don't look so...
[ Groans ]
Daddy, come play with me!
Sorry, Candice.
A few more WODs and a couple of protein shakes,
and I should be able to lift you as high as the ceiling.
Yay!
Jim Crunch says that pain is just weakness leaving the body.
And if you ain't achin', it ain't workin'.
Know your limits and defy them daily.
Because you don't stop when you're tired...
you stop when you're done.
And if you...
[ Bones crack ]
♪
[ Camera shutter clicks ]
[ Watch beeping ]
♪ Come on now ♪
♪
♪ Come on now ♪
♪
♪ Come on now ♪
♪
Yeah!
♪
[ Camera shutter clicks ]
♪
Sorry.
Bridgette, I'm scared.
[ Grunts ]
Yeah, you're married to a monster.
No, I'm scared of how hot Josh is.
I always thought I was attracted to string-bean beta males,
but apparently, I love big, ham-hock hunks.
Em, check this out...
I got that "V" thing like the dudes from "300."
"I. Am. Sparta!"
[ Chuckles ]
Uh...
Daddy, can we go play "King Kong"?
You bet! Uhp! [ Watch beeping ]
Sorry, I gotta get to Swoletown.
If I miss even one workout or meal,
I could lose my massive gains.
Hell, yeah! Sorry.
But we were playing.
[ Sighs ] I know, sweetie.
But it's important we support him now that he's hot.
99.
100!
Congrats, Josh. You're officially shredded.
[ Camera shutter clicks ]
[ Cheers and applause ] Thanks, guys. But I need more.
I want to become an absolute unit.
[ All gasp ]
It's too dangerous.
The last guy who attempted the impossible WOD
died after his hammies exploded.
[ Scoffs ] You know what they say...
If you ain't dyin', it ain't workin'.
Bro, listen. This is me, Jim Crunch, talking.
Even if your hammies survive the 'splozh,
we don't know what all that muscle could do to your mind.
My dude, I appreciate you.
But would you tell the sun
not to rise and grind each morning?
Would you tell the moon
not to blast its quads into the night sky?
Oh, I love your energy right now, brah.
If anyone can become an absolute unit,
it's you, brah.
I'm gonna start a gratitude journal
and just write your name in it, brah.
You're the wind beneath my traps, brah.
You're the reason I got so good at kegels, brah!
Words fail me, bro!
Bro!
[ Both howling ]
Daddy, look at my drawing!
Not now, Candice, I'm making a chicken smoothie.
[ Blender whirring ]
Be firm.
[ Gasps ]
♪
God, he's so freakin' hot.
[ Clears throat ] Josh, we need to talk.
I'm horny... happy you've gotten so healthy.
What I'm trying to sex is... shit, hold on.
[ Sighs ]
Josh? You're neglecting Candice.
You haven't played with her all week.
We just made this chicken smoothie together.
She's fine.
Oh...
Maybe I have been a little preoccupied.
[ Watch beeping ] Damn.
I got to get back to the gym.
I'll play with Candice tomorrow...
the best "King Kong" ever.
Because once I do the impossible WOD,
I'll be an absolute unit.
I don't know what that is,
but somehow I know I need it.
Just promise you'll spend time with Candice, okay?
I promise.
[ Sighs ] It's like warm marble.
♪
Jim: The impossible WOD.
10 reps of every exercise at one 100% of your max.
♪
You've only got 10 minutes.
Ready?
[ Stopwatch beeps ] Go!
♪
He's doing it, Tony.
He's really doing it.
Just one more rep, Josh!
[ Distorted grunting ]
♪
It's happening!
[ Grunts ]
You're the king.
King ...ng?
Candice!
I coming to play!
Hang on, you gotta take a victory selfie for the wall!
[ Camera shutter clicks ]
Worth it, bro.
Check the passport of your heart.
Anything to declare?
Yes. Inner peace.
[ Grunts ]
Play. With. Candice!
Dad?
I know perfect place play "King Kong."
[ Grunts ]
[ Screaming ]
[ Car alarm blaring ]
Going up!
Daddy go higher!
[ Sirens wail, tires screech ]
Mom! It's okay, Candice!
Josh, you look incredible.
Please put our daughter down.
Candice ready to play "King Kong"?
Uh, this is pretty freaky,
but I'll take what I can get?
[ Laughs ] [ Watch beeping ]
Huh? Workout time.
Me go back gym.
But we didn't play!
Strong Daddy need gains!
You care more about your stupid gains than me.
I wish you never got strong.
Oh!
What if me no able pick you up?
You getting so big.
I don't care if you can't pick me up to play.
Just as long as we play.
Really?
Of course.
Oh, forget the gym.
Let's play.
Oh!
[ Laughing ] I love you, Dad!
I love you, t...
Bullseye.
[ Groans ]
[ Siren wailing ]
[ Groans ]
That's my husband.
Hunk, right?
[ Gasps ] Huh?
How long have I been out? Three hours.
[ Gasps ] That's five meals, four smoothies, and two workouts!
I lost all my gains.
That's okay.
I liked strong Dad, but I love Dad Dad.
Yeah, no, it's... it's good that you're normal again.
Was I feeling passion I've never felt before?
Yes. "But..."?
No, that's it.
Well, there is one final workout I need to do.
♪
[ All grunting ]
♪
[ All sobbing ]
♪
Jim Crunch!