♪♪
Friday night!
Who's ready for the DTLA Hot and Hard Festival?
Yeah!
I am not overpaying for pills
from a dude in a porta-potty again.
[ Laughs ] We've got uppers, downers, laughers, screamers,
tampons soaked in vodka, and your favorite --
[ Gasps ] Cherry MDMA bites!
And for me -- I stole this from UCLA before I got fired.
Uh, you got anything more Dad speed?
A glow stick, maybe?
[ Laughs ] Yeah, a glow stick.
Josh! W-W-Wait, you're drinking it?
Uhhh...yeah.
I thought you guys were telling me about a life hack.
That's awesome!
All [ chanting ]: Hot and Hard! Hot and Hard!
Thanks for letting me pretend like
I have enough free time to go to a concert.
What a rush.
[ Gags ]
♪♪
Man [on video ]: Hmm, what do we have here?
Oh. It looks like a piece of plastic?
It's a similar shape as the toy...
Ahh!
Morning, Candice. May I present to you...
Ta-da! Eggs Bunny-dict!
[ Munches ] [ Burps ]
Hmm. Hey, you watching
an unboxing video, Candice?
Man [ on video ]: We have this sort of, uh, spinner toy.
Let's see what this is all about.
Candice, why don't you just unbox this one?
This is better.
Hey, I got an idea.
Let's do something we can both enjoy?
All right Candice, this guy right here is Teddy Ruxpin.
Hi. Can you and I be frieeeeennnnn...
[ Screams ] Oh, dude!
[ Beeping ]
Magic Eight Ball, are we having a great time right now?
Huh? Man [ on video ]: Yes, another twist tie!
Interesting choice they made on that one.
Teddy, how am I gonna bond with my daughter?
Let me die.
Hey, let's get rid of this evil robot.
Might as well.
Candice doesn't want to do anything I liked as a kid.
[ Gasps ] Whoa! My old skateboard!
I used to love skating.
Whoa! A body rollerskate!
Look, look! I'm a foot! Hwuh, hwuh, hwuh, hwuh.
I haven't seen her this happy since that coyote bit her
and she thought she was gonna turn into a werewolf.
Candice, you want me to teach you how to skate?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
[ Gasps ]
Skate Dad.
Big day, Candice!
I remember when my dad took me to my first skate shop.
Sure, they're a little grungy, a little cluttered,
but I'll be there to guide you the whole way,
Wooooow. -What up, what up, what up!
This guy knows what time it is!
Oh my God, Dad, that's Bob Jonesworth! Dad?
[ Horn honks ]
[ Horn blares ]
All right, Candice, you ready to go in?
Yeah!
Dad, why did you take me to the Apple Store?
What the... Oh, check this out.
Bob Jonesworth bombing Baxter Street.
[ Yelling ]
What a legend.
Someday, you'll be bombing hills just like your dad used to.
Bob Jonesworth is my dad?
No. I'm your dad. That's... never mind.
What up, what up, what up!
This dude knows what time it is!
Oh, can I help you with some watches?
What? We're here to shred.
I'm looking for some righteous decks!
Uh, righteous dicks?
No, man, a deck. I want a skateboard.
Oh. You're gonna want The Goosh.
Yo, Goosh!
Be right with ya, folks!
-Ohh! -Oh, my God, wow.
I could do that.
Hey, I'm The Goosh. Can I help you?
No doubt. No doubt, no doubt, no doubt, no doubt.
Pardon me, sir?
Uh, we're looking for a skateboard for our daughter.
Nice! What's your name, shorty?
Candice. Why do they call you "The Goosh"?
Because when I skate it sounds like...
Goooooosh! [ Laughs ]
[ Frustrated groan ]
So, can I help you pick a deck, here?
No! We're good. We'll do the picking.
You can just do the selling or ringing up or whatever.
No help needed.
All right, Candice. Choose wisely.
Mmmm... That one!
[ Ominous satanic voice mumbling ]
Oh my God, Josh, that board is $100.
Well, this one's on sale.
Is that you?
Yeah! Well, no, it's a picture of me.
The real me is right here!
Oh, hello, Goosh!
That's a little inappropriate for children.
We'll take the Satan board.
[ Laughs ]
Daddy, can you teach me how to ollie like "The Goosh?"
The cashier? Nah. He doesn't know what he's doing.
-Can you Ollie? -Oh, I dunno.
Both: Show us! Show us! Show us!
Okay, fine.
Watch and learn.
[ Screams ]
[ Siren wailing ]
Taking notes, Tony Hawk?
that dude just got ass knifed!
I'm fine. I'm not done shredding yet.
Daddy, what's an ass knife?
Uhh, that's a different lesson!
Emily: Dang, Josh. I can't believe they put a metal plate on your taint.
[ Sighs ] Skate Dad is skate sad.
At least I'm trying my best, unlike my dad.
All he ever did was point at his watch angrily.
I know it means a lot to Candice that you're trying so hard.
"This guy got ass-knifed.
We have to take him to the hospital."
[ Imitates siren ]
I'm gonna go show her how to roll down that ramp.
Haha! You know what? Your metal plate is kind of cool.
Does it hurt, though? The only thing that's hurting is my heart,
because I can't be out there
helping Candice realize her skate potential.
Now, let me be. These pain pills should be kicking in any min--
[ Snores ]
Skate Dad.
♪ La La La La La La La La La ♪
♪ La La La La La La La La LA LA LA LA ♪
♪ La La La La La ♪
♪ La La La La ♪
♪ La La La ♪
♪ La La La La La ♪
♪ La La La La ♪
♪ La La La ♪
You suck.
Hey, what's going on?
Where are we right now?
Hey, Dad! Check it out!
Wait, you taught Candice to skate?
Nooo...
Yo, Skate Dad! Your kid's a natural!
[ Echoing ] Natural.
Josh! What?
I knew how bad you wanted Candice to learn to skate,
so I went back to the skate shop
and I signed her up for a lesson.
You shred, Candy!
We'll have you ollyin' in no time!
Thanks, Papa Goosh!
[ Echoing ] Papa Goosh.
The Goosh: Yeah! great job, guys! Whooo!
So stupid. Pff. Hmph.
[ Cheering ]
Pfft. I could do that.
Wah! Oof!
Candice!
You okay, Candy Cane?
I scraped my knee!
I got it.
[ Ominously ] Now, I'm Skate Dad.
[ Laughs evilly ]
Josh: That's it!
Come on, Emily.
[ Breathing heavily ]
We're leaving.
Whoa, Sir-groiny Weaver, where's this coming from?
I've had enough.
It's one thing that this guy is teaching Candice to skate,
but now he's trying to out-Skate-Dad me, too?
Aw, come on.
Hey, I can teach you, too. It's a free class.
You know what, The Goosh, you're full of it!
Enough with the nice-guy act.
Act? I'm nice. I'm a nice guy.
We're gonna settle this old-school.
Let's bomb the gnarliest hill in LA --
Baxter Street.
♪♪
No doubt.
No doubt. No doubt, no doubt. Josh, this is insane!
Uh, excuse me, sir. Obviously, you're a little agitated.
Skate Dad is not too old to bomb Baxter Street!
Josh! What is wrong with you?
Why are you doing this?
Skate or die! Whooo!
-Candice! -Whoa!
I'm coming for you, baby!
Wait! I haven't taught you about street bombing yet!
If anyone's gonna teach her, it should be me, Skate Dad!
-Hang on, Candice! -Ma'am!
What you're gonna want to do is lean with the wind.
I'm scared, Goosh!
Don't tell The Goosh you're scared. Tell me.
I'm your Dad!
Why are you doing this?
Why am I doing this?
This was supposed to be my fun thing
that I get to do with my daughter.
And this evil Goosh-bag
is trying to take that away from me!
I don't need your help 'cause I know what time it is.
Huh?
Dude, listen.
My dad never took me skating,
and I'm trying to be a different type of dad for Candice.
Goosh, thanks for your help, but I have to do this myself.
Whoa, gnarly!
My old man never took me skating.
I just took it up to reject him.
Respect, dude. -No doubt.
No doubt. Goosh out!
Okay, I'll admit that was pretty cool.
Daddy!
Candice, you have to stand up!
Okay.
I'm doing it!
[ Cheering ]
Whoa!
Jump back! I got you!
What?! Just do it!
Come on, baby. Hold together.
Oh, shi...
Oh, no.
Josh, look out!
-[ Gasps ] -[ Gasps ] -[ Laughs ]
Go under! Go under!
[ Gasping ]
[ Yelling ]
Over there!
[ Yelling ]
[ Cheering ]
[ Gasping ]
[ Both laugh ]
Yeah, Skate Dad! Yeah!
That man's no Skate Dad.
He's a Skate Father.
[ Both grunting ]
Well, all the tests came back.
And I hate to say it, but there's nothing wrong with you.
Then how do you explain this? Aah!
Or this? Whaa!
I have seen this before
from patients under a lot of pressure.
Have you been stressed? -Me?
[ Paper rustling ]
[ Clicking ]
[ Explosion ]
Sweet cashmere Jesus!
Hey, have you seen my vibrator?
-No. [ High-pitched humming ]
Whoa!
Whoa! Whaa!
Nope. All good in the 'hood.
♪♪
I'd like to thank you guys for givin' up part of your Saturday
to help me beta test my new game.
Welcome to Ladder World!
[ Clanking ]
[ Screeching ]
So we just climb the ladders?
Yeah.
[ Laughing ]
It's working! It's working!
[ Screams ] Help! [ Gasps ]
Why would you put this in the game, Josh?
Son of a glitch.
Oh, no! Kevin Costner's head from "Waterworld"!
[ Growls ]
Get me out of here!
[ Growling ] [ All grunt ]
[ Growls ]
I loved you in "Draft Day"!
[ All scream ]
[ All groan ]
So, any feedback?
Great news. There's nothing wrong with me.
Uh, you sure about that, Pacquiao?
Dr. Glandz mentioned some nonsense about stress,
but little does she know I'm immune to it.
[ Glass shatters ]
Ooh. Immune feels like too strong of a word.
It's fine! I'm just gonna make my to-do list
a ta-dow done list. Where's my list?!
Um, maybe eating something might make you feel better?
Uh...
Oh, great! We don't even have any food!
Hey, hey, hey. It's okay.
We always have the earthquake ham.
[ Freezer humming ]
[ Echoing ] Someone stole the friggin' ham!
-It's gonna be okay. -Is it, Josh?
If an earthquake hits today, guess what we're eating?
Each other! -I don't know.
You're all too bony for my taste.
Ha! Found it!
-I'll take care of that! -What? No!
You need a break.
Let me give you a stress-free day.
This is a bad idea.
No, I promise I'll put 100% of my mind to it.
[ Electricity crackles ]
My last fortune cookie did tell me to "Trust Josh more."
Come with me. It's time for you to loosen up.
No Stress is my middle name.
I had it legally changed.
I was high.
Man! Em is gonna be so stoked
that we're breezing through this list.
Last thing. "Earthquake ham."
Next!
I'll take your finest $10 worth of ham, my good man.
Pft, you busting my balls, man?
Haven't you heard about the SoCal ham shortage?
This local meat artisan runs the only business in town
that still has ham.
How are you still hamming it up?
Oh, we always keep some around in case of a shortage.
But then uh-oh! We have to jack up our prices!
"Not stolen hams"?
Uh, no, it's Notschstolen.
Uh, from -- from Germany. [ Laughs ]
Those guys are ripping everybody off!
We're gonna go to that factory, and we're gonna get a ham.
[ Horn squeaks ]
[ Suspenseful music plays ]
They found me!
I don't know how, but they found me!
Who? The clowns!
Alex: Okay, so the circus was in town last week,
and I met some clowns who never back down from a bet.
So, I told them,
"I bet you can't make a giraffe."
[ Balloon squeaks ]
I was like, "Ha! That's just a dog."
And he said, "Wait for it."
Long story short...
I owe them 3 grand. Dude!
[ Horn squeaks ] [ Gasps ]
Meat factory it is.
I have all my coupons organized,
so check-out should be fast.
[ Inhales deeply, exhales sharply ]
[ Laughs ]
100% no-stress day.
[ Inhales deeply ]
[ Coughs ]
Holy sh--
[ Coughing continues ]
How long till this hits? Soon-ish?
It all depends on your... [slow motion] tolerance.
[ Slow-motion laughter ]
♪ We gotta stay ♪
♪ High, Ah-ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah, ah ♪
♪ Till I die ♪
♪ Ah-ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah, ah ♪
♪ I gotta stay ♪
♪ High, ah-ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah, ah ♪
♪ Till I die ♪
♪ Ah-ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah, ah ♪
♪ I gotta stay ♪
♪ High, ah-ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah, ah ♪
♪ Till I die ♪
♪ Ah-ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah, ah ♪
♪ I gotta stay ♪
♪ High, ah-ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah, ah ♪
[ Bear roars ]
[ All screaming ] [ Gasps ] Bridgette!
-[ Growls ] -Aah!
[ Breathing shallowly ]
Whoops, Emily.
Aah! Me daughter teacher?
♪♪
Aw, sick!
Look at what they're putting in the meat.
That is...so gross.
Dude, look up there.
I bet there's hams in there.
[ Both grunt ]
Factory tour's on Thursdays.
Hello, sweetie.
I have the perfect place for you.
[ Both groan ]
Wha-- W-where's Candice? Where is she?!
Lil' Missy? She's in a better place now.
[ Both gasp ] Our Michelin-rated daycare center.
So you're the ones behind the SoCal ham shortage.
You freakin' hipster hamburglers.
Um, hamburglers are an entirely different
and, frankly, rather cartoonish kind of meat thief, okay?
This is a professional operation.
[ Soft music plays ]
[ Crashes, glass shatters ]
Man: Get the ham! Get the ham!
[ Laughter ]
Our next scam -- buttholes!
And we're not even trying to make them look like hot dogs.
And guess whose buttholes
are going in the next batch?
Two nosey nerds!
Ah, come on, man! Nerd?
That word means enthusiast,
and it's not derogatory! -Aah!
[ Both grunt ]
[ Whirring ]
Aw, man.
There was only one item left on the list.
Damn you, ham!
Aah! Aah!
[ Heartbeat, zapping ]
[ Computer sound plays ]
♪♪
Thank you, brain.
[ Grunting ]
I'm limitless!
♪♪
[ Exhales sharply ] Let's roll, bitch.
Who are you?
[ Jazz music plays ]
Uh...I can't believe we ran into Candice's teacher.
He totally knows I'm high.
Relax. He has no idea.
[ Music continues ]
Wine? No, thanks.
Please.
[ Lighter clicks ] [ Inhales sharply ]
[ Gasps ] Weed?
I didn't do it! Huh?
[ Stammering ]
[ Gasping ]
♪♪
Ohh! Bitch, use your words!
[ Panting ] Dude, the ham!
Holy shoat.
♪♪
[ Both laugh ]
Hey, how'd you know "shoat" meant pig?
Josh: I don't know, I just did.
No, I told you guys, I deleted my Facebook.
You want to get in touch with me,
you write a letter.
Hey, they're getting away!
No, no, no. They got our hams!
After them!
♪♪
[ Soft jazz music plays ]
So, I work too, which I want to,
'cause, you know, feminism.
I'm just trying so hard to do a good job.
And you are!
But it won't feel like it
till you start doing things for yourself.
I don't even know what I like.
Find out, before you stab a bitch.
You're right.
I've got to find my thing!
Go find it, girl.
Go find it.
-Whoa! -Whoa!
[ Slow motion laughing ]
Josh: [ Grunts ]
Watch your freakin' driving!
[ Panting ]
Hyah!
Aw, damn it!
[ Grunts ] [ Tires squeal ]
Red light, red light!
[ Both scream, tires squeal ]
[ Breathing heavily ]
Good, good, good.
Yeah, this is what 200 degrees feels like.
Feel the Fahrenheit.
♪♪
Red light, red light, red light!
♪♪
[ Tires screech ]
Move!
♪♪
I think we lost them.
Yes! [ Laughs ]
♪♪
[ Grunting, shouting ]
♪♪
Oh, God.
[ Breathing sharply ]
♪♪
Dog!
[ Tires screech ]
That's no dog.
[ Horn squeaks ]
♪♪
Head Thug: No way out now, Jabronis!
Oh, geez! Oh, geez!
Aah!
[ Heartbeat, zapping ]
[ Computer sound plays ]
♪♪
Okay, so the circus was in town last week,
and I met some clowns who never back down from a bet.
[ Gasps ]
Stripper clowns, hamburglers,
we bet our lives...
[ All gasping ]
...that you can't beat us in Ladder World!
[ All grunting ]
[ Coughing ]
[ Weakly ] Emily. What's happening?
You have to take my place in Ladder World.
We bet our lives.
They'll kill us all.
How do I even play?
Just...climb...ladders.
[ All grunting ]
♪♪
Wait, this is actually kind of fun.
[ Laughs ]
[ Grunts ]
Gotcha! Aah!
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Whoo-hoo!
♪♪
That was on purpose!
[ Beeping ]
I won? [ Laughs ]
Yes!
[ Laughs ] [ Laughs ] Amazing!
I feel incredible!
[ Both smooch ]
Can't we just kill them?
Respect the bet!
Whoa. Is this my thing? Video games?
Guess who's zero-percent stressed?
-Yeah! -Yahoo!
Whoo! [ Laughs ]
Bridgette, where were you?
I've actually been outside
talking to the hottest guy right now.
Anybody want to see me make a Brontosaurus?
Yeah!
-Do not let him do that! -No, no, no, no, no.
♪♪
[ Both grunting ]