♪ CHELSEA JANE: Flexin'
(SINGS SILENTLY)
(URINATES)
- I need carbs. - Oh, fuck!
- Stevie! - Hmm?
I'm not used to this arrangement.
Do you sit down to pee?
I don't want to turn my back to possible intruders.
(STEVIE GROANS)
Alcohol is a poison.
We can kid ourselves all we like,
but we're poisoning ourselves.
I requested a high-def image just to slow down the process.
Yeah, a few more of these
and Henry's gonna have to go to court.
I am pretty proud of myself, to be honest.
What you're doing is not healthy.
All I'm trying to do is throw his finances out a bit, OK?
And if he happens to lose his licence,
well, that's that motherfucker's fault.
Please, AJ. Please, honey.
I have been poisoned and the only cure is chips.
This is vomit.
Liv is not in the passenger seat!
Can you take me to chips?
Alright.
- Chippy time. - Chippy time now?
But I need to do a number two first.
You're gonna use that for a while, hey?
Yeah.
OK, I'll just take my bag again.
(MUSIC RESUMES)
(SINGS)
STEVIE: You've never met her before?
AJ: No. She just slid into my DM, said she wants to meet up
and pretend like we're strangers.
She's a freak!
But, like, she knows what she wants.
I respect that.
- She's clearly joking. - No, no, she's not.
She wants a stranger fantasy. You give her a stranger fantasy.
What? I failed drama in Year 12.
I can't just act like a stranger in front of someone I never met.
Oh, too much talk, mate, and not enough action.
That's your problem.
What's your fantasy?
- You know what I'd really like? - What?
Normal sex.
Eugh! That is really gross.
That's, like, the grossest thing you've ever said.
My fantasy...
My fantasy is that, like, I find out I'm actually a supermodel
but I've got this condition where I can't see it.
- Oh. - (THUD!)
Sorry.
OK, you've got to take that back.
No, no, no! No, I love this!
If I get off this scooter, I will... I'll actually die.
Is that what you want?
No, I can already hear the screams
of the kid you're about to run over.
Just take it back.
I'll get whatever you need from the chemist.
- Oh, no! - What?
- Not again, Stevie! - Don't be so presumptuous.
No.
But yes.
There was an accident last night.
Yeah, it's not an accident
if it happens every second weekend, OK?
I'm pretty sure when the Titanic sank,
they had a good hard look at their safety procedures.
(CLEARS THROAT) Hey.
- Hi. - Oh.
You look really familiar.
- Oh. - Have we...?
I think I have that sort of face.
I kind of look like everyone.
Even your face is 10% mine.
- Huh. - Maybe I've served you before.
Oh, no, I don't think so.
I normally go to that big warehouse on King Street.
It's just, like, heaps cheaper.
And also, the make-up's in more of a discreet location
so I can test all the products
without getting judgement from you guys.
We don't judge.
Look, quick gear change - the morning-after pill.
Oh, right. Just wait here a moment - I'll be right back.
(UPBEAT MUSIC APPROACHES)
Gee, you're boring.
(LAUGHS) Poor fella.
So, uh, have you taken this before?
Oh...
Just... once. Once or twice, I think.
I mean...
Yep. And, uh, when was the intercourse?
This morning.
And my best guess, maybe some last night.
Could have just been a blow job.
And when was your last period?
- Two weeks ago. - OK.
So, just so you know, your next bleed might be a little...
- Heavy, yep. - ..heavier or lighter...
..just depending on how that goes.
If you take this on a full stomach,
might experience a bit of cramping,
bit of nausea, that sort of thing.
Yeah, cool.
I always experience nausea after eating.
It's the only thing that's like, "Stop!"
(BOTH GIGGLE NERVOUSLY)
- Thank you. - Thank you.
Hey, uh...
Do you think it'd be OK with you...
..maybe if I got your phone number?
- Oh. - I'd love to hang out sometime.
Get some dinner, feel nauseous together?
(LAUGHS)
I could give you mine.
I'm sorry.
I've completely misread this situation, haven't I?
I don't know.
How did you see this playing out? It's...
Would it have been better or worse
if I'd put my number on the box?
Better! It would have been much better.
- Better. - Just pop it on the bag.
I'm Stevie.
It's Tim.
Tim.
- There you go, Stevie. - Yeah, cool.
Cool.
Oh, he's a freak.
Please, AJ, can I have that back? I can't walk.
Guarantee he does this to every girl
who asks for the morning-after pill.
He's thinking, "Oh, here's a young woman
"who's had a one-night stand,
"who's been left to figure it out all alone. Boo-hoo."
Please. I actually enjoy buying the pill by myself.
It's just that the guy has to pay for it.
Wait, does the guy pay for it?
What?! Yes, you loser!
You cannot just jizz in a girl
and then expect her to pay for it.
You have to at least pay half.
Oh, you are so lucky to have me.
I told the guy this morning that this thing costs 70 bucks.
70 bucks. I literally just made money.
You're a little entrepreneur.
You keep getting jizzed in,
you might be able to pay rent this week.
Yeah, alright, mate.
Can you imagine the kind of drugs, though,
that a pharmacist has access to?
I can imagine one of the drugs that freak has access to, yes.
Don't deflect the focus from your freak
by pointing the finger at my freak.
At least he's putting himself out there
and he's taking some risks.
Hey, hey! I take risks.
I live with you.
Later, sucker.
AJ: So I've recently encountered someone with a stranger fantasy.
SAM: Like, when you meet up with someone
but pretend you're strangers?
AJ: Yes. OK, so I want you to text in what gets you off.
SAM: Uh, we're gonna regret this.
Well, Sam, I don't know what you get up to, my friend,
but if we're talking sexual fantasies, I'll find out yours.
I reckon you got cactuses in your bedside table and shit.
It's cacti.
But look, anyway, it's time for some music here on Fade FM.
You're with Sam and AJ.
- Oh. - (MUSIC PLAYS)
Nooo!
Don't send us your feet! Eugh!
Feet are the grossest part of the body.
I will lick a hundred buttholes before I even look at a toe.
Hey... what would you wear on a date, Sammy boy?
You're actually nervous about this date!
Listen.
Liv and I got fucked up on boxed wine and that was it.
So you've never been on a date, then?
Bro, I'm 31 years old.
Our listeners are gonna flip over this.
- They're gonna be like... - No!
..31-year-old AJ Amon
- No! - ..has never been on a date.
We'll make a Tinder profile of it.
No, and we'll get marketing to do it all up
- so if they match with you... - No.
..then they can win a chance to...
- OK. - ..break your date virginity!
Oh, yeah, alright. That sounds like a great idea.
Or what if I tell everyone
how much you love sucking on stanky-ass toes
and we can watch those photos roll on in all morning
- for the rest of the week. - Blargh!
You've changed, you know? You used to do anything for ratings.
- Now you're just... - I have. I've changed.
- Oh, boy. - By the way, before we start...
..what is your actual fantasy? Come on.
I don't have a fantasy, AJ. I've got a child.
(BICYCLE BELL RINGS)
If that's not the new Amy Wade album,
I'm going to be very disappointed.
Sorry. I'm not normally in the studio this late.
I thought this place did dinner,
but I think we're gonna have to head to your side.
Do I know you?
What, is my profile pic really that old?
Oh, my god.
Please tell me I haven't just approached the wrong brown guy.
AJ! From Fade FM!
I don't know what he's talking about.
AJ!
I'm not AJ.
Uh, you're AJ.
I am NOT AJ.
I'm just waiting for a friend.
Yeah... I'm that friend.
I don't know... who... you... are.
That's... what... dates... are... for.
It's fuckin' AJ!
You're a snobby cunt.
I get it.
Yeah, I've been stood up before but this is really harsh.
No! You're not getting it.
We... we're strangers.
Strangers!
- I don't know you! Strangers. - Oh, that!
- Yes! - No, I was just joking.
Oh.
Hang on, are you really into clown sex?
Oh, you would be, you sick fuck.
I'm telling all the boys at work.
No, don't...
Jesus Christ! Quickly, quickly, come... come with me!
- (SHE LAUGHS) - Fuck!
Down, down, down. Get down!
This is, um... hot!
Did he see me?
- Oh. - Shh!
Yeah, I actually know that guy.
- Henry? - Yeah... yeah.
Henry.
- He's, um... he's my boyfriend. - No, no, no.
Listen to me, OK? He's my... We used to be best friends.
He fucked my girlfriend... ex-girlfriend.
- Yeah. - Fuck!
He must have finally quit the old place to work here.
Fucking wanker.
WOMAN: God, you're really getting into this.
- I'm gonna call him over. - No, no! Don't.
- God, no. Please. - Oh, come on!
Please, please, please, Odessa! I'm begging you, please.
Whoops.
You just said my name.
Fantasy over.
What are we gonna do? Tacos? Thai food?
- What? - We need to get out of here.
- LIV: Oh, he's a cute prick. - STEVIE: Totally.
Ask for the morning-after pill and see what happens, OK?
Got it?
Oh, wait.
What if he asks for my number?
Oh, just go for it, babe.
Oh... what if he doesn't?
Um, like, just buy the pill anyway.
I'll probably just... I'll use it another time.
OK.
OK, Terry.
Now, you need to take this once a day on an empty stomach...
- Hey. - ..at least 30 minutes...
Be with you in a second.
TIM: If you forget to take one of these,
you have to take it immediately.
I've written those instructions on there for you.
Some people do experience a little bit of diarrhoea
and vomiting, nausea, that kind of thing.
If you experience any of those things, just because of your age
I think you should see Dr Barry immediately.
Similarly if you're getting swelling of the hands and feet.
- No luck from me. - (GASPS) Really?
I knew it! Suck shit, AJ.
I might fly home the other way -
stop in New York, eat a real Reuben.
Is it crazy to fly across the world for a sandwich?
No.
Girl I know from work - she flew to Thailand
just for a healing crystal.
Now she's dating this guy who has, like, no mates
so he gives her heaps of attention.
What's the opposite of a crystal?
Like, an old nanna ball of rubber bands?
I'll have me one of those, thanks.
God. OK, that's it.
Tonight we're gonna go to the movies,
but, like, pre-drinks at mine.
And we can talk about all the people we hate.
- Ooh, is AJ not at home? - Nah, he's on a d...
Um, he's just out with friends.
No. Oh, my god.
Just the thought of going on a date
makes me want to do a beer bong.
AJ must be absolutely trashed.
AJ: So, is teaching the goal?
ODESSA: No. Teaching pays.
But, you know, if I could choreograph for Broadway
or, I don't know, Melbourne Ballet Company,
that's the dream.
But I work with an amazing group of students
who make it all worthwhile.
I reckon dancing is my worst fear.
Like, people think I can dance 'cause I'm black,
and then I can't and everyone just gets disappointed.
I'm just super suspicious of anyone who doesn't love dancing.
I am the same about people who don't drink.
Mmm.
You don't drink?
- Don't drink. - At all?
Hmm.
OK.
No, no, no, go ahead. I know you like it.
Nah, it's an act for radio.
Oh.
So every time you dance, you're sober?
That's...
Wow. Wow.
Yeah. It's kind of wow.
STEVIE: Hey, they're yours, babe.
- Hmm? - The mail.
I know, I know. I'm not supposed to be here.
I've literally been in her ear for hours
about missing the previews.
- Where'd you get those? - That's her mail, you freak.
Well, I'm... Can I... Can I please just have a look?
- No, seriously. - Oh, oh, oh!
(SNIFFS) Why do you smell of food?
Can I just have a look at the letters, please?
Oh, my god. Did you just go out and not drink?
- (DOOR CLOSES) - Sorry, had to take that.
AJ: No, um...
Odessa, this is my flatmate Stevie.
- Hi. - Hi.
And Stevie's friend... Olivia.
Hi!
Olivia. Yes.
Yes. We were just gonna...
..camp out here and watch all seven Police Academy films.
Fun! (LAUGHS)
Uh, we're going. Come on, we're going.
Nice to meet you.
- Bye. - Bye!
- Perfect timing. - Yeah.
Yeah.
There was a lot of onion in that pho.
In the... pho?
- Yeah. Yeah. - Yeah, but...
There was a lot and I'm paranoid.
- I need to brush my teeth. - I don't care.
Uh... I do.
Yeah, but if you brush and I don't brush,
then you're all minty fresh and my breath is doomed.
Let's brush.
- This is weirdly relaxing. - Yeah?
(CHUCKLES)
Oh, busted.
How much?
Oh, uh... that is... That's not mine.
Oh, Henry?
- Don't worry about it. - OK.
You mean, like, Henry from today?
- Take... take this off. - OK.
Hang on, was all that stuff true?
Don't... worry about it.
Oh, my god. Doing this sober is fucking awesome.
Fuck! I'm even gonna remember it.
- (THUD!) - Ow!
- Fuck! - Oh, my god.
- Are you OK? - Um...
- Oh, my god, I'm so sorry. - No, no, no, it's alright.
I think it sounded worse than it was.
Fuck! I'm so sorry. I was just trying to...
I wanted to have normal sex.
Just shut up and put your mouth on my face.
- Oh, do you know what? - What?
- That's blood. - What?!
Yeah, that's blood.
- Oh, fuck. - Oh, Jesus.
Oh, god. Yeah, yeah. Fuck.
- I'm so sorry. - It's OK.
Fuck!
Here. I-I didn't mean to do that.
Yeah. That would be pretty elaborate.
- Fuck. Are you OK? - Yeah. Um...
Can we just chill here for 10 minutes?
- Yeah... - We'll see how it goes.
No, look, you know, I think I'm gonna go.
Let's call it a night. I'm sorry.
No! I'm... I'm fucking sorry.
Jesus, you've been amazing and I'm an idiot.
Unless...
What if...
What if...?
..you just stand there, and I...
..jerk off?
You're the freak!
Pharmacist Tim looks pretty normal now.
Liv killed me last night.
There was mail for Henry in those letters, right?
So? She'll learn his bank balance. Big deal.
No!
She's gonna do the right thing and give them back to him.
No, she'll return to sender or something. Calm down.
No, she's gonna take the letters to his cafe
and then he's gonna make her a soy flattie with one
and then it's gonna be on all night, boom-boom.
I was about to have my first sober night in two months
till I started freaking out about that.
You can talk! Imagine how Liv felt
with you waltzing on in here with some Facebook lunatic.
It's my house, Stevie! I can waltz wherever I want.
- Oh, do you have a sore head? - Yes.
Can I just stand here and jerk off for a while?
Is that alright?
Is that OK, if I just stand here
and jerk off for a - pfffft! - While?
Creep.
And do not even think about going to that cafe
and waiting for Liv, you fucking stalker!
(DOOR SLAMS)
Medically speaking, I'm actually... I'm pretty healthy.
Although my mum did think that I had this thyroid disease
that a lot of women in our family have,
and she told me some of the symptoms.
It was, like, weight fluctuation and irritability
and rudeness.
Anyway, went to the doctor.
Turns out I'm fine.
I'm just a bit of a cunt who eats too much.
(LAUGHS)
I think you seem great.
Oh!
Thank you.
Oh, sorry.
So, um, do you go out much?
If my friends are in town.
I haven't met many people, except from work.
So, like, do you and your pharmacist buddies,
when you go out,
do you, like, whip up any of your own kind of...
..cocktails?
I mainly drink beer.
Mmm.
Gimme the drugs!
(LAUGHS DRUNKENLY)
Well, I studied four years at university, so I...
No. Never.
Oh. Pfft.
You don't have to...
..like, act all holier than... holier than thou.
You know, when you point the finger like that,
there's one finger pointing forward and three pointing back.
Is that right? Yeah, one, two, three. Pow!
There was something about you that I really liked.
A lack of pretension, I thought.
And I don't take many chances in life, so...
Oh, you're sad.
No, no, no. I'm not a bad person.
I'm not. It's prob...
It's probably just the thyroid.
It's not the thyroid.
Boo!
Hi.
Did you just say "Boo"?
Oh, am I actually a ghost?
Oh, did I actually die that night?
- Yeah... - Yeah.
Fuck, that was, like...
- I'm an idiot. - Mmm.
Did you end up, um...
..you know, jerking off?
What? Oh, no! No.
Well, not straightaway, anyway.
Uh, listen.
I really want to make it up to you -
prove that I'm kind of normal.
Uh...
I think we should just be friends, AJ.
I want to dance.
What?
I need to dance.
♪ WIZARDZ OF OZ: Million Dollar Life
What type of black are you?
Gerry, that's not the best way
to ask someone where they're from, mate.
Scram, Gerry. Kind of busy here.
You're not very good at dancing.
I've just got a bit too much soul for you to handle, man.
Alright?
Whoa.
(MUSIC STOPS)
Too much soul?
Really?
No, no...
So, guys, not sure if you know
but our special guest AJ here is from the radio,
so he's really into music.
And he wants to do a solo performance for us.
- Oh... no! - Yeah.
No, I don't want to interrupt this!
My... my stomach is a bit sore.
Oh. 'Cause my head's a bit sore.
- Who wants to see AJ dance? - STUDENTS: Yeah!
- ALL: Dance! Dance! - No!
No.
Don't waste my time, AJ.
Either dance or get out of the class.
OK! OK.
I'll do it. I'll dance.
(MUSIC RESUMES)
Hurry up.
Just give me a minute, Gerry.
Yes!
Yeeeesss!
Hey, guys, it's been real.
But I have an early morning. You know how it is.
- We'll talk? - Absolutely not.
OK.
Your dancing sucks, AJ.
Oh. Oh, yeah?
Yeah? What about this move?
Fuck you, Gerry.
Ha!
ALL: Ehhh!
Yeah, fair enough.