♪♪
Intensely Serious Announcer: And yet, at Shivering Middle School,
whenever a scoundrel snaps the blind girl's bra,
Principal Gail Alonka makes everyone line up and pop a snap
until the culprit can be recognized, identified, found.
Ow! No, that's not him.
-Next. -Ugh! No, not the guy.
Announcer: The welt that developed on her back
represented the price of justice,
a gnarled and righteous cause
the lunch lady was happy to correct.
Blind Girl: [ Thinking ] Wait. It was her!
She done it all for the meat.
[ Echoing ] Meat, meat, meat, meat...
♪♪
Announcer: Then, there was Delmer Gibbons,
who spent years trying to get a job at a suicide hotline,
but he couldn't catch a break in such a competitive field.
So he went freelance.
He waited by the phone for what felt like forever
but was, in fact, much longer.
[ Telephone rings ] Delmer's Home Suicide Hotline.
We'll talk about anything, even sex.
This is Delmer. To whom do I have the pleasure of speaking?
[ Man crying ]
-Hello? -I live alone.
Two weeks ago, I turned my oven on and stuck my head in.
I just wanted the world to go away.
In the back of the oven, I found $9,000,000 in gold.
That money changed my life.
I was suddenly able to afford
the most expensive noose on the market.
When I got it around my neck, the ceiling fell in
and released two kidnapped little girls
being held by a torturer upstairs.
I was hailed a hero.
They vowed to devote their lives to making me happy.
[ Crowd clamoring indistinctly ]
The first thing I asked for
was a cocktail of the 100 most toxic pills available.
♪♪
When I came to, the doctors broke the news to me --
I'd accidentally invented a miracle drug
that made me more healthy and robust than ever.
They told me they could use my blood to cure cancer.
That night, when I threw myself off the hospital roof,
I landed on the monster who kidnapped those kids.
He had escaped from prison
and was on his way to kill the government.
[ Cellphone buzzing ]
The government asked me to keep attempting suicide
because of all the good my failures bring to the world.
It makes me so happy
to have a real government see me as useful.
I finally have a reason to live!
I can't bring myself to try again.
[ Sirens wailing ]
Okay, wait, so if you don't want to kill yourself,
then why are you calling me?
This isn't an "I don't want to suicide" hotline.
I can't really keep my line tied up like this!
You're right. I'm sorry.
I'm such an idiot and don't deserve to live.
Now we're talking! Finally, I can do my job.
Okay. [ Crying ] Don't do it!
Don't! Don't do it!
I'm so confused.
Let me tell you a little story.
It's about an ordinary teenager who wants to commit suicide.
He decides to write the perfect suicide note.
He works on it day and night,
toiling away on his masterpiece for decades.
After 80 years, publishers hear what he's working on.
There's a bidding war.
He ends up with a huge advance for the note rights.
The media gets wind.
The whole world is waiting for this note to be finished.
He's a major celebrity, invited to all the parties.
Men want to screw him. Women want to be him.
Jesus Christ, goth kids want to eat him.
They make pilgrimages to his mansion.
They climb his gates to peek at him scribbling by candlelight.
Finally, when he's 97, he finishes.
It's time to off himself, but he wants to wait
until the reviews come in, see what the critics think.
Well, it's a hit, universally praised
as the finest work of literature ever produced.
But the public is so furious he didn't go through with it,
they drag him into the street and --
Stick their willies in his mouth?
No. They just leave.
Willies dry.
Everyone went soft, lost interest.
The public was captivated by the promise, the process.
Now that it's just another consumer product
with a UPC code, it loses its mystique.
They start to resent him.
So, to get back at the world, the guy refuses to ever die.
He just goes on living for hundreds of years.
But still, no one cares.
And that's my message to you --
No one cares.
Hello? Hello?
[ Gunshot ] Hello?
[ Inhales deeply, sighs ]
♪♪
Announcer: After that, the calls came rolling in.
[ Gunshot ] Every day was Christmas.
But Delmer never did figure out how to monetize the business.
[ Typewriter clacking, telephone ringing ]
And yet, we know
that when a butterfly flaps it wing in Sheboygan,
it can set into motion a chain of escalating gusts
that eventually results in a hurricane in Bali.
♪♪
Scientists claim this proves the chaotic nature of our universe.
But Dr. Derrick Highbury has just discovered
it is actually because all butterflies hate Bali.
His research has revealed that the Balinese
use crushed butterfly skulls as a table seasoning,
and a common beverage in Bali is butterfly tears,
traditionally guzzled listening to Balinese disco
made from the screams of butterflies
whose genitals are being rhythmically electrocuted.
[ Electricity buzzing, quiet squeaking ]
When asked to comment, the entire population of Bali
pretended to be asleep for six years
to avoid discussing the issue.
The war between butterflies and Bali
dates back to prehistoric times, when Cave Balinese
would eat the beating hearts of cave butterflies
for good luck in their primitive butterfly insulting contests.
♪♪
The world's butterflies are merely fighting back
against those who seek to harm their kind
by using their natural ability
to bend the force of chaos to deliver fierce justice.
[ Whip cracks ]
Dr. Highbury decrypted
how the butterflies managed to so precisely hone
the long-term effects of their wing flaps.
After much practice, he was able to manipulate a butterfly wing
to cause any result he wished for --
if he became hungry...
if he fancied company for the evening...
or even the entire weekend.
[ Mule brays ]
Dr. Highbury grew accustomed
to having anything his heart desired.
[ Siren wailing ]
♪♪
...and God is watching over you,
and God is smiling at you, and God is loving on you.
Let us now turn to Corinthians...
Announcer: He felt obliged to test
the outer limits of his power.
Hang on. One moment. I'm being handed a note.
I have breaking news.
I hate to be the one to report this,
but according to many verified sources,
it appears that God is dead.
Yes. He was placed in a choke hold
by police as he slept.
♪♪
[ Highbury moaning, screaming ]
Announcer: After months of having his every twisted whim sated
just to feel anything at all,
Highbury required increasingly exotic pleasures,
a sickness culminating in the most perverse craving
of all time --
the desire to experience true love.
[ Crying ]
But by now, the butterflies knew he had grown dependent
and refused to cooperate until Highbury helped them
with the secret mission they'd been planning for him all along.
He had no choice but to do as they commanded.
♪♪
They needed Highbury to create a Butterfly Man --
a human puppet secretly controlled by butterflies,
sent to ingratiate himself to the Balinese
and then slowly take over the country
until he was in a position to crush it from within.
The Butterfly Man was accepted by the people of Bali
and quickly fit in...
too well, in fact, as he began to discover
he had feelings for the simple Balinese maiden
who brought him his supper in the evenings.
He found in their easy rapport
an inner serenity he never thought possible
and decided to abandon his plan for Balinese destruction
and run away with his beloved.
He even began to enjoy seasoning his food with butterfly skulls
and dance to the disco forged from the screams of his kind.
Electricity buzzing, ]
Naturally, his butterfly brethren
were devastated by the betrayal. [ Gun cocks ]
And Highbury, he never was able to find the love
that seemed to come so effortlessly to others.
[ Screams ]
Announcer: On the eve of their 50th anniversary,
the simple Balinese maiden
revealed her deepest shame to her husband --
that she was a corpse herself, filled with bees,
who sent her there on a mission
to prove to butterflies once and for all
that the true nature of the universe is chaos
and is beautiful and must never be defiled again.
♪♪
♪ Blood in the kitchen, there's blood in the hall ♪
♪ There's blood in the parlor where my lady did fall ♪
♪ Long Lankin was hanged on a gibbet so high ♪
♪ And the false nurse was burned on a fire close by ♪