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♪♪
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Intensely Serious Announcer: And
yet, at Shivering Middle School,
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whenever a scoundrel
snaps the blind girl's bra,
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Principal Gail Alonka makes
everyone line up and pop a snap
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until the culprit can be
recognized, identified, found.
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Ow! No, that's not him.
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-Next.
-Ugh! No, not the guy.
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Announcer: The welt
that developed on her back
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represented
the price of justice,
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a gnarled and righteous cause
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the lunch lady
was happy to correct.
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Blind Girl: [ Thinking ]
Wait. It was her!
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She done it all for the meat.
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[ Echoing ]
Meat, meat, meat, meat...
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♪♪
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Announcer:
Then, there was Delmer Gibbons,
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who spent years trying to get
a job at a suicide hotline,
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but he couldn't catch a break
in such a competitive field.
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So he went freelance.
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He waited by the phone
for what felt like forever
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but was, in fact, much longer.
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[ Telephone rings ]
Delmer's Home Suicide Hotline.
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We'll talk about anything,
even sex.
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This is Delmer. To whom do I
have the pleasure of speaking?
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[ Man crying ]
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-Hello?
-I live alone.
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Two weeks ago, I turned
my oven on and stuck my head in.
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I just wanted the world
to go away.
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In the back of the oven,
I found $9,000,000 in gold.
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That money changed my life.
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I was suddenly able to afford
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the most expensive noose
on the market.
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When I got it around my neck,
the ceiling fell in
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and released
two kidnapped little girls
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being held
by a torturer upstairs.
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I was hailed a hero.
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They vowed to devote their lives
to making me happy.
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[ Crowd clamoring indistinctly ]
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The first thing I asked for
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was a cocktail of the 100
most toxic pills available.
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♪♪
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When I came to, the doctors
broke the news to me --
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I'd accidentally invented
a miracle drug
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that made me more healthy
and robust than ever.
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They told me they could use
my blood to cure cancer.
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That night, when I threw myself
off the hospital roof,
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I landed on the monster
who kidnapped those kids.
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He had escaped from prison
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and was on his way
to kill the government.
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[ Cellphone buzzing ]
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The government asked me
to keep attempting suicide
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because of all the good
my failures bring to the world.
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It makes me so happy
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to have a real government
see me as useful.
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I finally have a reason to live!
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I can't bring myself
to try again.
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[ Sirens wailing ]
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Okay, wait, so if you don't want
to kill yourself,
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then why are you
calling me?
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This isn't an "I don't
want to suicide" hotline.
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I can't really keep my line
tied up like this!
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You're right.
I'm sorry.
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I'm such an idiot
and don't deserve to live.
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Now we're talking!
Finally, I can do my job.
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Okay.
[ Crying ] Don't do it!
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Don't!
Don't do it!
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I'm so confused.
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Let me tell you
a little story.
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It's about an ordinary teenager
who wants to commit suicide.
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He decides to write
the perfect suicide note.
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He works on it day and night,
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toiling away on his masterpiece
for decades.
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After 80 years, publishers hear
what he's working on.
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There's a bidding war.
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He ends up with a huge advance
for the note rights.
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The media gets wind.
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The whole world is waiting
for this note to be finished.
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He's a major celebrity,
invited to all the parties.
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Men want to screw him.
Women want to be him.
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Jesus Christ,
goth kids want to eat him.
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They make pilgrimages
to his mansion.
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They climb his gates to peek at
him scribbling by candlelight.
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Finally, when he's 97,
he finishes.
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It's time to off himself,
but he wants to wait
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until the reviews come in,
see what the critics think.
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Well, it's a hit,
universally praised
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as the finest work of literature
ever produced.
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But the public is so furious
he didn't go through with it,
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they drag him
into the street and --
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Stick their willies
in his mouth?
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No. They just leave.
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Willies dry.
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Everyone went soft,
lost interest.
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The public was captivated
by the promise, the process.
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Now that it's just
another consumer product
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with a UPC code,
it loses its mystique.
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They start to resent him.
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So, to get back at the world,
the guy refuses to ever die.
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He just goes on living
for hundreds of years.
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But still, no one cares.
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And that's my message to you --
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No one cares.
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Hello? Hello?
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[ Gunshot ]
Hello?
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[ Inhales deeply, sighs ]
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♪♪
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Announcer: After that,
the calls came rolling in.
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[ Gunshot ]
Every day was Christmas.
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But Delmer never did figure out
how to monetize the business.
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[ Typewriter clacking,
telephone ringing ]
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And yet, we know
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that when a butterfly
flaps it wing in Sheboygan,
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it can set into motion
a chain of escalating gusts
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that eventually results
in a hurricane in Bali.
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♪♪
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Scientists claim this proves the
chaotic nature of our universe.
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But Dr. Derrick Highbury
has just discovered
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it is actually because
all butterflies hate Bali.
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His research has revealed
that the Balinese
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use crushed butterfly skulls
as a table seasoning,
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and a common beverage in Bali
is butterfly tears,
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traditionally guzzled
listening to Balinese disco
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made from the screams
of butterflies
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whose genitals are being
rhythmically electrocuted.
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[ Electricity buzzing,
quiet squeaking ]
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When asked to comment,
the entire population of Bali
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pretended to be asleep
for six years
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to avoid discussing the issue.
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The war between butterflies
and Bali
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dates back to prehistoric times,
when Cave Balinese
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would eat the beating hearts
of cave butterflies
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for good luck in their primitive
butterfly insulting contests.
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♪♪
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The world's butterflies
are merely fighting back
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against those who seek
to harm their kind
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by using their natural ability
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to bend the force of chaos
to deliver fierce justice.
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[ Whip cracks ]
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Dr. Highbury decrypted
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how the butterflies managed
to so precisely hone
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the long-term effects
of their wing flaps.
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After much practice, he was able
to manipulate a butterfly wing
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to cause any result
he wished for --
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if he became hungry...
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if he fancied company
for the evening...
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or even the entire weekend.
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[ Mule brays ]
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Dr. Highbury grew accustomed
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to having anything
his heart desired.
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[ Siren wailing ]
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♪♪
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...and God is watching
over you,
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and God is smiling at you,
and God is loving on you.
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Let us now turn
to Corinthians...
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Announcer:
He felt obliged to test
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the outer limits of his power.
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Hang on. One moment.
I'm being handed a note.
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I have breaking news.
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I hate to be the one
to report this,
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but according
to many verified sources,
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it appears that God is dead.
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Yes.
He was placed in a choke hold
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by police as he slept.
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♪♪
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[ Highbury moaning, screaming ]
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Announcer:
After months of having
his every twisted whim sated
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just to feel anything at all,
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Highbury required increasingly
exotic pleasures,
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a sickness culminating
in the most perverse craving
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of all time --
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the desire to experience
true love.
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[ Crying ]
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But by now, the butterflies knew
he had grown dependent
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and refused to cooperate
until Highbury helped them
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with the secret mission they'd
been planning for him all along.
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He had no choice
but to do as they commanded.
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♪♪
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They needed Highbury
to create a Butterfly Man --
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a human puppet secretly
controlled by butterflies,
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sent to ingratiate himself
to the Balinese
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and then slowly
take over the country
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until he was in a position
to crush it from within.
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The Butterfly Man was accepted
by the people of Bali
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and quickly fit in...
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too well, in fact,
as he began to discover
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he had feelings
for the simple Balinese maiden
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who brought him his supper
in the evenings.
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He found in their easy rapport
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an inner serenity
he never thought possible
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and decided to abandon his plan
for Balinese destruction
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and run away with his beloved.
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He even began to enjoy seasoning
his food with butterfly skulls
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and dance to the disco forged
from the screams of his kind.
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Electricity buzzing,
]
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Naturally,
his butterfly brethren
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were devastated by the betrayal.
[ Gun cocks ]
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And Highbury, he never was able
to find the love
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that seemed to come
so effortlessly to others.
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[ Screams ]
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Announcer: On the eve
of their 50th anniversary,
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the simple Balinese maiden
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revealed her deepest shame
to her husband --
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that she was a corpse herself,
filled with bees,
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who sent her there on a mission
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to prove to butterflies
once and for all
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that the true nature
of the universe is chaos
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and is beautiful
and must never be defiled again.
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♪♪
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♪ Blood in the kitchen,
there's blood in the hall ♪
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♪ There's blood in the parlor
where my lady did fall ♪
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♪ Long Lankin was hanged
on a gibbet so high ♪
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♪ And the false nurse was burned
on a fire close by ♪