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[ Ominous music plays ]
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[ Swing music plays ]
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♪♪
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[ Buzzing ]
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♪♪
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Excuse me.
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Would anybody like
to purchase a hand?
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I have a human hand
for sale.
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Is -- Is anyone interested in --
in a buying a man's hand?
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[ Sighs ]
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How much
for just two fingers?
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Oh.
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Buy me a whiskey,
and we'll call it even.
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So, what do you plan to do
with all them fingers, anyway?
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[ Ominous music plays ]
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[ Swing music plays ]
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♪♪
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[ Clapping ]
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♪♪
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[ Applause ]
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[ Cheers and applause ]
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♪♪
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Announcer: And then
there was Violet Galuhwaye,
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whose insecurity
climbed in through her window
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on the night
of her 19th birthday.
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♪♪
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From that day forth,
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it controlled her every move
with its steady man hands.
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♪♪
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She was so grateful
for all the attention,
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even the air around her
learned how to vomit.
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[ Hisses ]
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[ Swing music plays ]
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And just when the world looks
most bleak, love rears its face.
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It rears and rears
and rears and rears...
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[ Twinkle! ]
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♪♪
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[ Squeaks ]
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♪♪
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[ Door closes ]
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Announcer: Once all alone,
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Violet swore if her Insecurity
would only return,
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she'd never take it
for granted again.
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It is often said that witnessing
the warmth of true love,
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even from a distance,
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can transform
the loneliest heart
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into a burning pile
of garbage.
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♪♪
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Thankfully, the local hospital
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was well versed
in modern medicalia.
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Scalpel.
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Bone saw.
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[ Saw whirring ]
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Slam poet.
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Oh, say can you scream,
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by the con's burly plight?
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In God we thrust,
in butts we nut.
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Uncle Sambo
and Agent Orenje Julieass
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used mustard gas
and ketchup gas
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to relish truth, justice,
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and the American't waste.
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Oh, that was lovely.
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Did you write it?
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Nurse, tape her up, please.
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Announcer:
Once her mouth was taped up,
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people began to see
Violet's beauty.
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And after others
see your beauty,
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you may actually
become beautiful.
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Possibly even blond.
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Violet became so beautiful,
she grew beauty marks.
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So many that soon you could
no longer see her face --
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just the beautiful
beauty marks.
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[ Pop! ]
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Now everyone who gazed upon her
was captivated
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by her comeliness.
[ Wolf-whistle ]
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But there was only one
she wanted.
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♪♪
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[ Twinkle! ]
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[ Dial tone, dialing ]
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Woman: Hello? 911?
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God, please come quick!
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He's choking!
He's choking!
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This beautiful monster came in,
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flaunting
her ravishing good looks...
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[ Choking ]
...and her exquisite allure
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murdered the only man
she'll ever love!
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He's dead!
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Announcer: Beauty got blood
on its hands that night,
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which revealed one thing.
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Man: When I ponder the infinite
expanse of the universe,
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I realize just how insignificant
we humans truly are.
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I don't like feeling
insignificant, see?!
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How do you like it?!
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Huh?
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Yeah, bitch, get in there!
Yeah, get!
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[ Sucking ]
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[ Grunting ]
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Announcer: That we drink
to drown the darkness
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that's been punishing us
ever since that mysterious day
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when all the stars packed up
and left the sky.
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[ Swing music plays ]
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♪♪
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Like how, after 35 years,
even the healthiest couples
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must find ways to keep
the love fresh and exciting.
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Gloria!
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Gloria, go get me a beer!
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♪♪
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What's takin' you
so long in there?!
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I don't see
no beer in my hand.
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Do you see a beer
in my hand?
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My hand wants that beer,
Glor!
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It's gettin' antsy.
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My hand's itchin' for
that beer we discussed, Glor.
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Look at it!
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The hell?
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It's makin' sauce, Glor.
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Here's your damn beer.
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Don't bring me a beer
right now, woman!
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My hand's making sauce.
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The hell's
comin' outta there?
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My mom's famous
boogigabatch sauce.
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You're makin' a mess
all over the floor, Harry.
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Glor, you know
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how good my mom's secret
goojedubatchi sauce is?
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We're gonna be rich.
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Ah, geez. Is another
money-grubbin' scheme?
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Just taste it.
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Oh, my God.
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It's the most incredible thing
I've ever known.
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It can't be comin' from you.
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It's better than you.
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Do you see it
coming out of there?
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Yeah.
From your hand there.
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So I am makin' it, see?
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Now go get
the money bucket.
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You gonna let me touch
the money bucket?
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Ooh la la!
Chu-cha-cha!
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You catch it in the bucket,
sell it in town,
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we're in the gravy, baby.
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You married right,
I tell ya.
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I'm gonna call my mother
an' tell her.
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She always said
you'd never amount to nothing.
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Don't call her now!
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Handle it first.
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This is my chance to patch
things up with my ma.
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Now that I'm finally
proud of ya.
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Glor, all this sauce is
gettin' wasted, ya ding-dong!
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You know what?
Mother was right about you.
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All ya ever do
is sit on yer ass
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gushin' sauce out of ya hand.
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Glor, the bucket.
Please.
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Hello? Yeah.
Hey, Ma.
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I was just callin' to say
you were right about the bum.
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Come on, Gloria.
Get it yourself.
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I'm on the phone, Harry.
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You know I don't like
to get outta my chair.
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Money's dumpin' here.
C'mon.
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You don't have control
over me no more, Harry.
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I'm a wealthy woman now.
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I'm through with you.
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Please tell me
you're gettin' the bucket.
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Or at least a beer?
-I'm leavin' you, Harry.
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I'm gonna travel the world
with my big riches.
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And where'd
you get them riches?
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I happen to be partner
in a very lucrative
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new sauce organization
of some kind.
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So long!
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[ Rug rips ]
Aah!
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Gloria! Baby!
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Are you okay?
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Harry, Harry...
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I'm not gonna make it.
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Oh, God!
I wish I could save you,
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but I-I don't like
to get outta my chair.
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At least I'm gonna die
a wealthy woman.
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Finally, I can afford
to be sorry, Harry.
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Sorry I got so selfish
after I got rich.
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Maybe that's the secret
that the secret sauce
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was trying to teach us --
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that love is a...
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[ Choking ]
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Noooooooooo!
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Noooo!
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Announcer: The secret to love
was lost forever that day,
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but Harry hung on for weeks,
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refusing to eat
any of the murderous sauce
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that took his lady wife.
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Tragically, he didn't like
to get out of his chair,
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so he began to waste,
to starve,
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to die to death.
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♪♪
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[ Women vocalizing ]
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♪♪
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[ Glimmer! ]
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♪♪
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And as his old friend and
sudden savior reared her face,
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Harry's gaze glimmered
and glormed with the realization
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that beauty glistens in the eye
of the beholder.
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[ Echoing ]
Beholder, beholder.
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[ Glimmer! ]
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[ Sucking ]
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Man: [ Thinking ] I'm beholding.
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I'm beholding.
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I'm beholding.
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00:10:04,186 --> 00:10:07,315
Announcer:
So whoever beholds the hardest
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00:10:07,315 --> 00:10:10,985
can make the sky insecure
once again...
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[ Angelic choir vocalizing ]
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00:10:13,195 --> 00:10:16,574
...make it break out
in a disgusting rash of zits
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00:10:16,574 --> 00:10:21,370
across the greasy face
of the endless night.
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♪♪
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00:10:23,164 --> 00:10:26,000
[ Harry groaning ]
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00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:30,963
♪♪
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00:10:30,963 --> 00:10:34,216
♪ There's blood in the kitchen
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00:10:34,216 --> 00:10:37,053
♪ There's blood in the hall
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00:10:37,053 --> 00:10:44,060
♪ There's blood in the parlor
where my lady falls ♪
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00:10:44,060 --> 00:10:47,188
♪ "Oh, master, oh, master
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00:10:47,188 --> 00:10:50,149
♪ Don't lay the blame on me
218
00:10:50,149 --> 00:10:53,611
♪ 'Twas the false nurse
and Lankin ♪
219
00:10:53,611 --> 00:10:57,156
♪ That killed your lady"
220
00:10:57,156 --> 00:11:00,242
♪ Long Lankin was hanged
221
00:11:00,242 --> 00:11:03,412
♪ On a gibbet so high
222
00:11:03,412 --> 00:11:09,627
♪ And the false nurse was burned
in a fire close by ♪
223
00:11:09,627 --> 00:11:11,921
♪ La-da-da, dum
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00:11:11,921 --> 00:11:15,883
♪ Mmmm