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(COW MOOS)
(SEAGULLS SQUAWK)
These two apiarists were talking to one another,
and one bloke said to the other, he said,
"How's your bee business going?"
And he said, "Oh, yeah, it's going on quite nicely."
And the other fella said,
"How many bees do you reckon you'd have?"
And he said, "Oh, roughly 250,000, 300,000."
He said, "Oh, that's a good number."
He said, "What about the hives?"
He said, "Well, I've just put in another one,"
he said, "so that makes it seven."
He said, "Oh, that's great."
The other fella said, "What about you?"
And he said, "Well, as you know," he said,
"I've been doing it for a long time,
"and Dad was an apiarist before me."
And he said, "At the last count,
"I reckon I've got about 2.5 million to 3 million bees."
He said, "3 million?!" the other bloke said,
and he said, "Yeah."
He said, "How many hives you got?"
He said, "Oh, just the one."
He said, "3 million bees and just the one hive?"
He said, "Yeah. Yeah.
"Fuck 'em."
Now, what's this party all about anyhow, son?
Oh, it's just a party, Dad.
Yeah, I'm told they're gonna bring some jokes along.
Is that right?
Yeah, that's right.
Yeah, well, I've got a couple of jokes.
Yeah, I know you do, Dad.
Yeah. There's this bloke and his missus and 14 kids,
and they're standing at a bus stop.
They've got a blind bloke with them.
The bus pulls up and the 14 kids get on
and the woman gets on and the husband goes to get on
and the bus driver said, "Hey. Whoa. Stop.
"Too many on the bus. You're gonna have to walk."
So he's left with the blind bloke.
And the blind bloke said,
"Do you mind if I walk with you, mate?"
And he said, "Oh, no. Nothing else can go right.
"You may as well walk with me."
And as the blind bloke's going along,
he's tapping the ground with his cane, and the fella said,
"Must you tap that bloody thing on the ground?
"It's driving me mad."
And he said, "Well, I'm a blind man.
"It's the way I find my way along."
And he said, "Well, yeah.
"Couldn't you put some rubber on your stick?"
The blind man said,
"If you'd have put some rubber on YOUR stick,
"we'd have both got on the fuckin' bus."
Remember the first limerick you told me,
when I was about eight?
"Mary had a little dress with a slit right up one side.
"Every time she bent over, the boys could see her thighs.
"Mary had another dress, with a slit right up the front.
"She didn't wear that much."
You weren't eight.
He was fuckin' seven.
So, the invite said don't bring food and don't bring booze -
just bring your three favourite jokes.
LEHMO: So, did you hear the one about
the, um...the three lesbian hitchhikers
walk into a Shane Jacobson party?
- (OTHERS EXCLAIM AND LAUGH) - What?!
I'm looking forward to this. Thanks for the lift, darling.
Yeah.
CHRISTIE: This is like Driving Miss Daisy.
(STEVE CHUCKLES)
Are you, um...have you got a gag worked out?
I'm nervous about telling it.
- Can I try it out on you? - Yep.
Hey, we're not far. We're looking for Clarkefield.
I wanna beat you this time.
Well, you got your bike licence?
No.
Hey, Craigs. How are you, mate?
Jaco. How are you, brother?
- Good, mate. Yourself? - Bloody well.
(CHUCKLES)
Might need a bit more than that.
- Come on, mate. I also brought the ute.
Ute?
Yeah, I reckon that should do it.
Newly married couple just home from their honeymoon.
Yeah?
First time in their marital home together,
and he goes up to the bathroom,
and he comes down and he says,
"There's a dead horse in the bath."
And she says, "Well, I never said I was neat."
(LAUGHS)
LEHMO: A pie walks into a bar.
- A pie? - A pie.
Well, see, that doesn't make sense. A pie wouldn't walk.
HUNG: I've got a joke for you.
- You wanna hear it? - Yes.
This guy goes to a supermarket, right,
and he gets up to the checkout line.
Gets a half a loaf of bread, half a pint of milk
and half a dozen eggs,
and a Playboy magazine.
And the checkout chick goes,
"Hey, you're single, aren't you?"
And he goes, "Well, how did you know?"
She goes, "Well, you're pretty fuckin' ugly."
A pie walks into a bar and the barman says,
"Sorry, we don't serve food here."
(OTHERS LAUGH)
So, there's this elderly couple.
They're driving home, and this cop pulls them over, see?
Puts down his window, and goes around
and the cop says to the bloke,
"Were you aware that you're doing 80 in a 60 zone?"
And the wife says, "What'd he say?"
He says, "He says I was doing 80 in a 60 zone."
Says, "Can I have your licence, please?"
"What did he say?"
He said, "He wants to see my licence."
So the cop looks at the licence
and says, "Oh, you're from Ballarat.
He says, "Christ, I had the worst sex in my life
"in Ballarat."
She says, "What did he say?"
He says, "He thinks he knows you."
(BOTH LAUGH)
Dad, did I tell you about
the blonde girl that walks into a library
and said, "Can I have a hamburger, please?"
He said, "Darling, this is a library."
She said, "Oh, I am sorry."
(WHISPERS) "Can I have a hamburger, please?"
(LAUGHS)
Well, Dad, I reckon we're just about right to go.
(BAND PLAYS ROCK MUSIC)
♪ Well, strap yourself in
♪ Hang on for the ride
♪ Dirt's gonna fly
♪ And the ground's gonna shake tonight
♪ Well, you don't have to look far
♪ 'Cause it's right here in your backyard
♪ There's a hundred tracks across our land
♪ They call home
♪ This fearless band of dirt track
♪ Dirt track cowboys
♪ Mudslinging outlaws
♪ This ain't no Hollywood star wars
♪ It's the real deal, open wheel
♪ Dirt track cowboys
♪ Well... ♪
- How are you, mate? - Good.
Alright, well, I've got one for you.
There's three old blokes, having a drink in a pub,
which they do semi-regularly,
and they're getting on a bit, and one of them said,
"What do you reckon is the most dangerous thing
"that ever happened in your life, Trev?
"When was the moment you thought you were gonna die?"
And he said, "Oh," he said, "well, for me,"
he said, "as you know, I'm 90 now, and I feel blessed,"
he said, "but I had an old car," he said. "Model-T."
And he said, "Couldn't afford to put tyres on the bastard,"
he said, "so every time it went round a corner,
"after a while you were kinda more trying
"to keep the thing from crashing into a tree
"than drive the thing.
"Anyway, one day it went off the side of the road
"and it did what I always thought it might do - rolled,
"and it rolled about three or four times.
"We didn't have belts then."
He said, "Pretty lucky to get out of that alive.
"I thought I was gonna die."
And I said, "Oh, fair enough. Fair enough."
With that, old Richo says, "Well, I'll be honest."
He said, "As you know, for a while," he said,
"I used to work making bridges, and we're in a country town,
"building a pretty decent bridge, to be honest."
He said, "It was a rail bridge."
And he said, "We got to the point
"where both sides almost met."
And he said, "But, you know,
"we made a few mistakes here and there.
"Can happen. Human error."
And he said, "The bridge started to go down.
"I had to ride the thing down. A fair way - 20, 30 metres."
He said, "I thought I was a goner."
He said, "So, that was the day I thought I'd die."
And he said, "But, hey, still here. We're still here, mate."
And with that, they said, "Oh, Morrie.
"What about you, Morrie?"
He said, "Oh," he said, "as you know," he said,
"I'm the oldest out of the group.
"At 96, I'm going alright," he said.
"But," he said, "when we were fighting in the Congo..."
He said, "We were there once."
He said...and he said, "A whole bunch of reeds.
"Pretty...pretty thick, dense stuff, it was.
"Everything looked green. We were wearing green.
"Couldn't tell each other from a plant."
And he said, "Anyway, there was this noise, and we all froze,"
and he said, "and we're staring inside this grass,"
and he said, "and there's a massive tiger!"
"Came out and went 'Raaah'!"
"Just shit myself."
And they said, "Oh, mate, that's alright. I understand.
"If a tiger jumped out at me, I would've shat myself."
He said, "No, not then in the Congo -
"just then when I went 'Raaah'."
- I just..." - (OTHERS LAUGH)
"..shat myself."
♪ Don't need to hurry
♪ Or worry about tomorrow, baby
♪ It's gonna be OK... ♪
A guy goes into a hardware shop
and he goes, "A bottle of turps,"
and the guy goes, "No. No, no.
"You're a dero. You'll be drinking that. I can see it."
And he said, "No, I'm...you know,
"decorating the house, you know?"
He said, "No, no. Look at your face.
"You're all bloodshot. You'll be drinking that."
He said, "I'm telling you, I'm decorating the house.
"I'm stripping the door. I need a bottle of turps.
"Give me a bottle of turps, alright?"
Guy reaches round to get a bottle of turps
and he goes, "Oh, couldn't get one from the fridge, could I?"
(OTHERS LAUGH)
♪ It's gonna be OK, OK... ♪
So this guy goes to the confessional, OK,
and the priest says...
- Are we gonna go him? - Yeah, yeah.
- (LAUGHS) - The priest says... (LAUGHS)
He says, "Father, I have sinned."
And the priest says, "Oh, tell me your sins, son."
Although he's 90 years old, this guy.
And he said, "Well, Father, I have been...
"I have sex with 19-year-old."
Oh.
And the priest said, "Hell, that IS a sin."
And he tells him to say five Hail Marys.
And before he left, he said, "I don't recognise your voice.
"Are you from this parish?"
And the guy says, "No, Father.
"I'm actually from...I'm Jewish. I'm from synagogue."
And he said, "Have you told anyone else about this?"
He said, "I'm telling everybody."'
(ALL LAUGH)
That's nice. That's nice.
♪ It's gonna be OK, OK Yeah... ♪
- A moth... - Yeah?
Alright?
..walks into a podiatrist's office.
Alright? This actually happened.
This is a true story. This is not a made-up one.
Alright?
A moth walks into a podiatrist's office,
and the podiatrist says, "Yeah, come in and take a seat.
"Uh...what seems to be the problem?"
And the moth says, "What's NOT the problem, Doctor?
"What is NOT the problem?
"Every morning I wake up
"next to a woman who I have fallen out of love with.
"I don't love her anymore.
"I don't even know her anymore, Doc."
"Help me."
"I've got my youngest, who is just so...
"I hate him so much, because every time I look in his eyes,
"I see the same cowardice that I see
"when I look in my own eyes."
"I've lost my job. I've lost my marriage.
"I lost my child in the winter."
"It was a very cold time. Moths don't handle cold well."
What purpose does he have?
"What purpose do I have, Doc?"
Doctor looks at him and says...
"Just...
"You need help. You need to see a psychiatrist.
"But I've got to ask - why did you come and see me?"
And the moth says, "The light was on."
(OTHERS LAUGH)
- The light was on. - You bastard!
- (LAUGHS) - The light was on.
- He's a moth. - Yeah, we get it, we get it.
I bought a thesaurus today.
Not only was it terrible, it was also terrible.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke said, "Describe yourself in three words."
I said, "Not good with numbers."
(LAUGHS)
I can't stand Russian dolls.
They're so full of themselves.
(LAUGHS)
I joined a club for people with Tourette's syndrome.
Took four hours to get sworn in.
(LAUGHS)
♪ Here's to the people that I'd like to thank
♪ You drink to me and I'll drink to you
♪ Let's drink together but before we do
♪ If we die tonight
♪ That'd be alright
♪ 'Cause we had one hell of a ride... ♪
MICHALA: I've got an animal one. I've got an animal one.
We're in a theme of animals, so... (LAUGHS)
This penguin decides to take himself
for a drive to the seaside.
And just as he approaches the water, his car conks out.
So, he knows there's a mechanic's around the corner
and he pushes his car to the mechanic's and says,
"Could you find out... I don't know what's happened.
"It's just conked out. I don't know what's going on."
The mechanic's like, "I'm a bit busy.
"If you can go for a walk for half an hour, come back,
"I'll have a look and let you know what's going on."
So the penguin takes himself for a little waddle.
Gets down by the water, paddles about in the sun.
Looks at his watch - it's almost been half an hour.
Makes his way back to the mechanic's
and gets himself a nice little vanilla ice-cream on the walk.
He's having a lovely time. This is the whole point of the trip.
And he gets back
and the mechanic's having a look under his bonnet,
and the penguin rocks up and says to him,
"Oh, so what's wrong with my car? What's going on?"
And the mechanic pops his head out from under the bonnet,
looks at him and goes, "Oh, you've blown a seal."
And the penguin goes, "Oh, no, no - just had an ice-cream."
(OTHERS LAUGH)
Haaaa!
♪ Na, na, na, na, na
♪ Na, na-na-na, na-na-na, na-na-na, na
♪ Na-na, na-na-na, na-na-na, na-na, na-na. ♪
Well, I've got a good one too.
Well, there's a pub in Sydney called the Harbour View,
and it's a wharfies' pub,
and there's a regular group that hits there Friday nights.
I used to too sometimes.
Anyway, there's a guy - Tommy was his name.
He was a wharfie, and he was a regular,
and he just suddenly stopped coming in, you know?
Sort of talked about him for a while,
and about six months later, he turns up in a Ferrari.
A brand-spanking-new Ferrari.
And strolls into the pub,
done up like, you know, a million dollars.
Struttin' diamonds and all sorts of things.
So, I say, "What...what the hell happened, Tommy?
He said, "You wouldn't believe this."
He said, "I bought one of them sheds,"
he said, "that you buy for...prefabricated."
He said, "You know, about 120 bucks."
He said, "I put it up in the backyard.
"And I spend a bit of time in it, in my tool shed,
"so I put a window in it."
He said, "I put this vinyl stuff," he said,
"It's like off a caravan."
"But I put the window in it,"
and he said, "My neighbour next door looked over
"and saw the shed and he said, 'That's a beauty,' he said.
"'Where'd you get it?'
"And I said, you know, 'I put it together myself.'"
"And he said, 'I'd love to have a shed like that.'
"He said, 'How much do you want for it?'
"And I...I didn't want to sell it, you know?
"120...Cost me about 150."
"And he said, 'Oh, you know, 300 bucks.'
"And he said, 'Sold.'"
And he grabs the shed off him for 300 bucks, you know?
And thought, "Oh, good."
"So I went and bought another bigger, better shed
"and I put two windows in it, you know?
"And I sort of...and the...
"..the guy that lived at the back looked over the fence
"and said, 'Gee, that's terrific. Where did you get that?"
"And I said, 'Oh, I built it. It's a prefab thing.'
"He said, 'How much do you want for it?'
"I said, 'You can't buy them, you know? I made it.'
"He said, 'I've wanted something like that
'all my life.'
"He said, 'Oh...I'll give you 500 for it.'
"Sold. You know? 'Cause it cost me about 220.
"And so I thought, 'I'm onto something here,'
"so I buy the big... the $420 one.
"You know, I'm starting to put a window in it," and he said,
"then I get a call, and, um... my favourite uncle died.
"He left me nine million quid.
"And I said, 'Oh, fuck the sheds.'"
(OTHERS LAUGH)
♪ And my baby is waitin' for me... ♪
(ALL CHAT AND LAUGH)
Shit's dripping out of me collar!
(OTHERS LAUGH)
(PLAYS COUNTRY ROCK MUSIC)
♪ Harley and Rose were reunited
♪ This time they said it was
♪ It was for real
♪ Take it all back to where it started
♪ He would melt her heart
♪ Her heart of steel
♪ Life is a bitter disappointment
♪ You would hear young Harley say
♪ If you find something that's more important
♪ I will not stand in your way
♪ Static on a dial
♪ A look comes back in style
♪ Harley and Rose, they just lost it for a while
♪ Harley claimed there was no lover
♪ Nothing in bloom... ♪
Alright, I've got...I've got one for you, right?
CHRISTIE: Hit us.
OK. So there's...there's this inflatable boy, right?
And, uh...he leaves home one day.
Leaves his inflatable house, his inflatable family,
and he goes to his inflatable school.
And he's in class one day,
and it's all the inflatable students,
and the inflatable teacher.
But he's a bit of a ratbag, this kid.
He's a bit of a ratbag.
And during lunchtime, he's in the inflatable playground,
and he sneaks off for a smoke.
Right?
And one of the inflatable teachers catches him.
Says, "Right! You're busted. You can't smoke at school.
"You're getting detention."
And the inflatable boy loses it.
He's a loose cannon, this kid. He loses it.
Pulls a knife out of his pocket, right?
And he stabs the bloody teacher.
- No. - The inflatable teacher,
and the teacher goes, pfff-pfft, like this.
And then the headmaster comes out to nab him,
and goes more crazy and he stabs the school.
And the school goes pfft-pfft like this.
And he runs off home.
And his parents go, "What are you doing here?
"You should be at school.
"You've been misbehaving your whole life.
"This is a disgrace."
And he stabs his mum and stabs his dad,
the inflatable mum and dad, and they both pfft-pfft like that.
And then the police come to arrest him, right?
And the police are coming to arrest him.
And then he stabs himself, and he goes pfft-pfft,
and the police grab him and rush him to hospital.
And he's laying in his hospital bed,
and they stitch him up at the hospital
and eventually he comes to, and he goes, "Oh, what's happened?"
And the police are there and they go, "Son...
"..you've let your school down, you've let your parents down,
"you've let yourself down... "
(LAUGHTER)
Rob can relate to that,
because he's met a lot of inflatable women in his life.
- (LAUGHTER) - And I let 'em all down.
ED: Didn't you?
- Here's one. Here's one. - (LEHMO LAUGHS)
(ROB SIGHS)
Young woman, and she's going to the doctor.
It's time for her first pap smear,
and she's understandably nervous.
(LAUGHS) How would you know?
Well, I'm just a sensitive guy and I understand these things.
Rob pretended to be a doctor for years.
(CHRISTIE LAUGHS)
So there's this young woman and she's off to the doctor's.
It's her first pap smear. She's very nervous.
Um... and so she's lying down the bed
and she got her trousers down, her pants down, her legs open.
And for the doctor, he's a professional
and he can sense that she's nervous.
And he looks over and very sensitively he says,
"Would you like me to numb it for you?"
And she says, "Yes, please."
So he goes, "Ah, num, num, num.
- "Ah, num, num, num." - (LAUGHS)
- My doctor does that too. - (LAUGHS)
Is it Doctor... Do you see Doctor Rob?
♪ This is my time...
Yeah! Yeah!
♪ Whoa-oh
♪ Whoa-oh-oh
♪ Uh-huh
♪ Whoa-oh-oh-oh
♪ Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh
One more time!
You know, I could count
the amount of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand.
Seven.
I asked my North Korean friend how it was over there.
- He said he couldn't complain. - (CHUCKLES)
You know that cyclist, Lance Armstrong?
Wasn't bad enough he was taking drugs,
but he was also pedalling.
(LAUGHS)
(SIGHS)
The difference between a hippo and a Zippo
is that one's very heavy...
..and the other one's a little lighter.
(LAUGHS)
Speaking of Lance Armstrong... Saw an interview with him.
He was lying that much
I'm starting to doubt if he ever did land on the moon.
(LAUGHS) Hmm.
(CLEARS THROAT)
(SIGHS)
You have to hand it to blind prostitutes.
♪ You can't get enough Too many mouths to feed
♪ Ain't life tough
♪ Call this survival
♪ Don't pray for a sign... ♪
Irish guy goes to a job at a building site.
The foreman says, "I'll do an IQ test.
"What's black and leather and got five fingers?"
He said, "Black leather, five fingers... Ooh, I don't know."
He says, "A glove, Paddy."
He says, "Oh, of course. Jeez, I'm stupid."
"OK, what's black leather, got 10 fingers?"
He says, "Black leather...10 fingers.
"Black... Ooh, I wouldn't have a clue."
"Two gloves, Paddy. "
He goes, "For God's sake, of course.
"I'm an idiot, total idiot."
He says, " Come on, let's try something else.
"Who's the President of the United States of America?"
He goes, "President of the United States...
"President..."
He says, "It wouldn't be three gloves, Benny?"
(LAUGHTER)
There's these three people who are in training to be CIA.
Yeah?
And they got to their final test,
to see who's gonna go through and become CIA.
First guy...
The CIA say to him...they give him a handgun and say,
"We wanna see how committed you are.
"Want you to go into that room, shoot your wife."
And he..."Are you committed?" "Yeah, I'm committed."
He goes in, there's no noise for a while...
Then he comes back out
and he has tears down his face, you know?
He goes, "I can't kill her. I cannot.
"I can't be in the CIA."
You know? "Good." He goes.
Next guy comes up.
Say, "We need to check how committed you are
"about being in the CIA.
"Want you to go in there. Here's a handgun.
"You're gonna shoot your son."
Goes, "Yep, alright. I'm committed."
Goes in there, can hear a bit of talking, bit of whimpering,
and then he comes out, "I can't. He's me son!
"He's me life! He's me fucking life.
"Nothing's more important."
"Yeah, alright, mate. OK."
(LAUGHTER)
Next one's a woman.
They said, "We need to know how committed you are to the CIA.
"Here's a handgun.
"You're gonna go into that room -
"you're gonna shoot your husband.
"You know, are you committed?"
She's like, "I'm committed."
She goes in, shut the door.
Hear... (MIMICS RAPID GUNFIRE)
And then a lot of bang! Bang!
It's just bang, bang, noise...
Until it's quiet.
She comes in.
She says, "I didn't know you had fucking blanks in the gun.
"I had to finish him off with a chair!"
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah.
♪ Seen them tumble it down
♪ I've seen red rivers, fire and steel
♪ I feel the thunder chained to the wheel
♪ I heard the legend, I watched skies... ♪
This mate of mine, he's a bit of a stoner.
- Right. - So I was with him in the car,
and we got kind of pulled over by the cops,
and he'd done, like, 10 bongs before we got in the car.
He didn't think he was gonna get drug tested, or whatever.
So the cop kind of, you know, looks in at him
and he's like that, you know?
And the cop says, "Have you been taking any drugs?"
He smiles.
He knocks on the window again and he goes,
"How high are you?"
And my mate goes, "Ah, you fucked that up, mate.
"You're supposed to say, 'Hi. How are you?'"
(LAUGHTER)
♪ Oh, man
♪ Chained to the wheel
♪ You know you'll find me, baby
♪ Ow! ♪
(INSTRUMENTAL BREAK)
This guy's soon to be married.
Dearly loves his partner...fiancee.
Wants to do nothing wrong by her.
Lived a very decent life, as has she.
But his mates wanna throw a bucks' night.
So they throw a bucks' night, and they get this girl...
They've paid her the top dollar.
They booked the platinum package. He's unaware of it.
Anyway, he's never been with a woman.
The night happens, they bring her out, they strip him naked.
She's doing a dance. Everyone's having a great time.
She's up on the table. He's getting excited.
He doesn't know what to do.
And she gets up on the table,
and all his friends pick up the table, they're having a ball.
But they lose grip of the table. Leg snaps, it goes off sideways.
She comes off and breaks the erectile tissue in his penis.
- Ah! - GENEVIEVE: Ooh...
SHANE: Bad night out for Trev.
So...next morning, the day of the wedding,
he goes to the doctor and says "I've...
"I don't know what to do. It's got a bend in it.
"I didn't even know if it has a bone."
He goes, "It doesn't have a bone. It's erectile tissue."
He goes, "It's crooked. What can you do?
"I can't have my wife see this. I didn't want this.
"They made me drink... "
He said, "Look, all I can do... There's nothing else I can do,
but we've gotta get on to this -
"otherwise it will be at right angles
"for the rest of your life."
He said, "Unless you wanna have sex around corners,
"or you lay on the floor and she stays on the bed
"and around it goes."
He said, "We're gonna have to...
"All I can do is traditional - put it in a splint."
So they get a few bits of wood,
he puts it either side and he straps it up.
He said, "That's all I can do,
"and it's gonna have to stay like that for about 48 hours."
He doesn't know what to do.
So the wedding happens - it's great.
The reception, fantastic.
Back they go to the room.
It's time for the...what happens, you know. First night.
Finish the marriage off properly.
She goes in. She's in there getting ready.
And he's thinking, "What am I gonna do? What I gonna do?"
He's down to his underpants,
but he's got the two splints
and the bit of bandaging around it.
And she comes out with a robe, walks out,
and she looks beautiful.
Takes the robe off and drops it and says,
"Darling, as you know, I've been with you for 10 years,
"and I've saved myself for you, and you alone.
"No-one ever has been near my private... It's for you."
He thinks, "Here's my chance."
He goes, "You reckon that's good?" Bang!
"This isn't even out of the crate yet!"
(LAUGHTER)
The old broken wang story.
JOE: ♪ All I really need to know
♪ Is you and me are good to go
♪ Riding down a summer road
♪ Oh-oh-oh... ♪
This guy's up north, and he walking past.
- He's in Darwin, right. - KHALED: Yep, yep, yep.
He's walking past, and he sees this sign, and it says,
"Convention" - "Ghost Convention".
So he says, "Oh, ghost convention?"
So he's gone in to check it out.
There's a guy up on stage, all serious.
He goes, "Right!
"Anyone out there that's ever seen a ghost in their life,
"put up your hand!"
About 800 people put up their hand, going, "Yeah, we have."
"Be quiet. We got a lot to get through."
"Anyone out there that's never seen a ghost, say no."
About 500 people put up their hand.
They're all going like this.
He says, "Be quiet - we got a lot to get through."
"Anyone ever seen a naked ghost?"
About 200 of them probably put up their hand.
Going, "Oh, yeah, we have."
He said, "Be quiet - we got a lot to get through."
"Anyone ever had sex with a ghost?"
Place goes dead quiet.
All of a sudden, one bloke up the back puts up his hand
and says, "Yeah, I have."
He says, "What's your name?" He says, "Barry."
He says, "Barry, come up on the stage.
"Now, tell me, and tell the crowd -
"what's it like to have sex with a ghost?"
He said, "Ghost? I thought you said 'goat'."
(LAUGHTER)
The head of the Japanese air force comes out
and addresses all of the Japanese pilots
towards the end of the Second World War, and he says,
"Men...you must go now to your Zero aeroplanes...
"..and you must get in the planes,
"which have been loaded with TNT.
"You must fly out, over the Pacific,
"and smash your aeroplanes into the American fleet,
"sinking the ships and saving Japan.
"You will be known as... the kamikaze.
"Now, before you go... are there any questions?"
And one little pilot at the back shouts...
"Are there any fucking questions?!"
(LAUGHTER)
So there's a blonde standing on one side of the river,
and another blonde
standing way over the other side of the river.
And the first blonde shouts out,
"Hey! How do I get to the other side?"
And the other blonde shouts back...
.."You are on the other side!"
- (LAUGHTER) - That's nice.
(BAND WARMS UP)
(UPBEAT ROCK WITH SYNTHS)
♪ I spent the summer with my North Coast girlfriend
♪ The aftermath of a psychotic reaction
♪ I split the city and my soul called good friends
♪ I've been afflicted by a coastal attraction
♪ We stopped in craft markets looking for potions
♪ We take our leather jackets down to the ocean
♪ 'Cause things are sweeter with a side of emotions
♪ A million backpackers slapping on the lotion
- ♪ Everything's amazing - ♪ Everything's amazing
♪ Oh, everything's incredible
♪ Everything's incredible... ♪
There was these four nuns, right?
And they're driving a car, and they crash and they die,
and they get up to Heaven,
they start walking through Heaven's gate.
And St Peter's there going,
"Oh, hey...what are you doing? What are you doing?"
They go, "We're nuns. We're members."
And St Peter's going, "No, no, no, no.
"You have to answer a question first."
So the first nun comes up - St Peter goes,
"Have you ever touched a man's penis?
And the first nun goes, "Nah, nah. Never, never."
And St Peter goes, "Look, you can't lie to me.
"I know everything.
And the first nun goes, "Well...with this finger once."
"I sort of gave one a bit of a prod...once, right?"
St Peter's, "Oh, fuck!
"Tell you what - wash it in holy water.
"You can come through."
The second nun comes up.
St Peter goes, "Have you ever touched a man's penis?"
And the second nun goes, "Well, with this hand once.
"I sort of gave one a bit of a... (WHISTLES) ..you know?"
(LAUGHTER)
St Peter goes, "Fuck!
"Tell you what - wash it in holy water,
"and you can come through."
And the fourth nun jumps the queue,
pushes the third nun out of the way,
and St Peter's going, "What are you doing? What are doing?"
And the fourth nun goes, "Listen, mate -
"if you think I'm gonna wash my mouth in that
"after she's washed her arse in it,
"you got another thing coming."
(LAUGHTER)
♪ Everything's incredible... ♪
St Peter says fuck.
♪ The pleasure's indescribable
♪ I'm pinning my survival on you... ♪
(INSTRUMENTAL BREAK)
So a guy...he finds himself...
He's been sailing.
..washed up on a deserted island.
And he gets captured by a tribe.
And the chief is there. He's not happy.
And he says to his captive,
(GRAVELLY VOICE) "You have...two choices!
"One..."
(NORMAL VOICE) This is a good accent too.
I was gonna say. Yeah, so far.
(GRAVELLY VOICE) "One...is death.
"Or two...is bunga-bunga!"
(LAUGHS)
(NORMAL VOICE) He's like, "Whoa. Death?
"I certainly don't want death.
"Well, what's bunga-bunga?"
(GRAVELLY VOICE) He said, "Oh, bunga-bunga...
"..is when we all...ALL...all of us fuck you up the arse."
(LAUGHS)
He's like, "Oh. Well, the other one's death.
"I guess I'll go with bunga-bunga."
And so the chief addresses his tribe
and he says, "OK!
"It is death by bunga-bunga!"
(LAUGHTER)
♪ ..good times and your betrayals, and for what?
♪ We'll never stop the rot We'll never stop the rot
♪ Hey
♪ We went to northern New South Wales
♪ We booked a cabin, saw the whales
♪ Thanks a lot
♪ We'll never stop the rot
♪ Can't tell you what we got
♪ My confidence is shot... ♪
This guy and his wife, they've got a pet skunk, right?
And, like, every day they walk this skunk.
They love the skunk, right?
But they decide one day...
They're walking the skunk,
and they want to go to this pub for a drink.
But there's this big sign up - 'no pets allowed'.
So the guy says to his wife,
"Just put it down your pants. No-one will know."
And she turns to her husband and says,
"But what about the smell?"
And he says, "Look, if it dies, it fucking dies."
(LAUGHTER)
♪ I try so hard to pin you down...
(LAUGHTER)
♪ We'll never stop the rot. ♪
(ALL CONTINUE LAUGHING)
- Uh...you enjoy a good joke? - Yeah.
Yeah, I got one for you.
Just one I've had for a while now.
This rather slow-thinking fella
hadn't been to the toilet for a week,
and, uh...he goes to see the local doctor,
and tells the doctor, and the doctor says,
"Look, I'll prescribe these capsules.
"I want you to go home
"and put one in your back passage each day,
"and come and see me in a week's time."
OK.
Bloke goes back in a week's time.
He's all swollen up in the face and bloated in the stomach,
and the doctor said, "How'd you go?"
He said...he said, "No good."
He said, "I haven't had a shit for another week."
The doctor says, "That's strange."
He said, "Did you put those capsules in your back passage?"
- Mm-hm. - He says, "Yeah.
"I put 'em in the back passage, the front passage,
"the lounge room..."
He said, "I even put one on the veranda,
"and for all the good they've done me,
"I may as well have shoved 'em up me arse!"
(LAUGHS)
(INSTRUMENTAL BREAK)
- OK. - OK.
Young lady goes into a pet shop. Another pet shop.
She goes in and the pet shop owner comes up and goes,
"Are you OK?"
She goes, "Oh, I'm kind of a bit lonely and I want...
"I'm looking for a dog, little puppies, kinda cute.
"Looking for kittens. I'm not sure."
And he goes, "I've got just the thing for you
"if you are, in fact, lonely."
And he brings out this little frog.
She goes, "Oh. Frog. I'm not sure..."
And he goes, "No, no, I'll just tell you.
"This frog gives the best oral sex in the world."
And she goes, "Oh. Does it?"
And he goes, "But of course if you want to get the puppy dog,
"if you want to get a kitten..."
"No, no, no, I might take the frog. Thank you very much."
So she purchases the frog, she takes it home,
she strips off, she gets on the bed, straight into it.
And puts the frog down, front and centre, between the legs,
and waits.
Nothing happens.
She waits and waits. Still nothing happens.
She gets on the phone, she rings up the pet shop,
she goes, "Ah, I got the frog. I did all the thing.
"I got it ready. And it's not doing a thing."
The pet shop says, "Where do you live?
"I'll come straight over."
He's there within 10 minutes.
"Alright," and he comes in and he goes,
"OK. Show me exactly what you tried to do."
So the woman strips naked, down on the bed, spreads the legs,
puts the frog down between the legs, and goes, "See?
"Absolutely nothing is happening."
Pet shop owner goes over, leans into the frog and goes, "OK!
"I'll show you this one more time."
(LAUGHTER)
Ah, there's a guy, he brings his dog in
and he says to the barman, he says,
"I'll bet you that my dog can talk
"but you have to shout me the night.
"I get to drink for free all night
"if I can prove my dog can talk."
Says, "Right."
Says to the dog, he says,
"Who won the 1927 World Series for the Mets with...
"Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"
He says, "Rowf!" "Yes! Babe Ruth! Babe Ruth! See? See?"
And the barman goes,
"No, no, no. You've got to do better than that."
And he says to the dog, he says, "Hey, dog. What's that?
"What's that above us right there?"
And the dog goes, "Rowf!"
And then the barman goes, "No, this is bullshit.
"You're trying... This is a scam."
Throws them both out on the street.
And the dog turns to the owner and says,
"Jeez, he was a bit nasty."
(LAUGHTER)
So a sexy woman comes out of the bathroom in a bar
and she walks up the bar and she says to the bartender...
(SEDUCTIVELY) .."Can I speak to the manager?"
In a really sexy voice.
And he's like, "Manager's not here tonight."
And she goes, "Can you give him a message for me?"
He goes, "OK." He's thinking, "Alright.
"What's she got to say?"
She grabs him by the scruff and pulls him closer
and she says, "Can you tell him,"
as she runs her hands around his face
and she gently brushes his lips and his tongue...
She just catches his tongue with her finger.
"Can you tell him
"that there's no toilet paper, soap or hand towel
"in the bathroom?"
(LAUGHTER)
- Sorry, Johnny.
- No, I was very happy... Happy to be part of that act.
- Well played, John. - Yes, thank you.
Good bar manager. Good bar manager.
Saw a sign, "Welcome to Autopsy Club.
"It's Wednesday night, which is Open Mike night."
(LAUGHS)
(SIGHS)
I just finished reading this book on anti-gravity.
I couldn't put it down.
I got in a water fight with the local kids outside my house.
I won.
Completely misunderestimated me and my kettle.
(LAUGHS)
(GUITAR PLAYS)
♪ From outer mountains strawberry city
♪ They were outrageously unstoppable
♪ Selling out
♪ They got a right to be
♪ Owning all the highway towns on the way
♪ I was in love with the singer
♪ She could turn shit into sunshine
♪ They are the crème de la crème de la crème
♪ Killing a pig from the start to the end
♪ They're the crème de la crème...
This guy's reading through the local rag
and comes across this article in the paper
that says there's a talking dog for sale for $25.
And of course he thinks it's a load of shit
but it's, like, 23 Johnson Street.
He's thinking, "This is just round the corner."
So he's like, "I've got to find out what the scam is.
"It's worth a two-block walk."
So walks around, knocks on this guy's door.
He said, "Read an article in the paper
"you got a talking dog for $25."
He said, "Yeah. It's around the back.
"Go and see if you like it."
So he goes round the back. "He won't bite you. He's fine."
The guy goes round the side, opens the side gate.
There's a dog there. He walks in and goes, "Right.
"You're the talking dog, are you?"
The dog goes, "Yep.
"Yeah, no, I'm the talking dog."
The guy said, "You're talking." He said, "Yeah.
"The boss put that in the article, didn't he?"
He said, "Well, yeah, he did
"but I didn't believe it's true."
He said, "Oh, there you go. I'm a talking dog."
He said, "What do you wanna know?"
He said, "Oh, well, I thought it was a joke
"so I don't want to know anything, really.
"But if you're a talking dog
"I'd be interested in having you come and live with me.
"I could do with some company." He said, "Alright."
He said, "Are you a man of the world?"
The guy said, "What do you mean?"
He said, "Well, have you travelled? Have you been to Germany?"
The guy said, "Ah, no, I haven't."
He said, "Fantastic place, Germany."
He said, "Seriously, great beer, as you probably know,
"and, yeah, there's the sausages and all that."
"But it's just an amazing place." Have you been to Switzerland?"
The guy said, "Look, to be honest, I haven't travelled much at all."
He said, "Switzerland is amazing.
"Look, we can talk about that
"but honestly the scenery is second to none."
He said, "Have you been through Asia at all?"
And he said, "Not really."
He said, "Anyway, we got plenty we can talk about.
"No need to waste it all now."
He said, "Go and do the deal with the boss
"and I guess we're going to be mates.
"I'm looking forward to it."
And he said, "OK. Fantastic."
Goes round the front and he says to the guy, "25 bucks?"
The guy goes, "Yep, 25 bucks." He goes, "Alright."
He said, "I gotta ask, it's a talking dog.
"Why on earth would you sell it for 25 bucks?" He said, "Ahhh."
He said, "I'm sick of the lies, mate."
He said, "He's never been out of the fucking backyard."
(LAUGHTER)
♪ They are the crème de la crème de la crème
♪ I was running away from the side to the end
♪ For the crème de la crème de la crème. ♪
Went for a job as an echo.
Still waiting to hear back from 'em.
(LAUGHS)
I wonder if the Wright Brothers knew
how much their invention would take off.
(CHUCKLES)
This weightlifting woman went into the doctor.
She said "I've taken that many steroids I've grown a dick."
He said, "Anabolic?" She said, "No, just a dick."
(LAUGHS)
My friends tell me I'm too condescending.
That means I talk down to people.
My wife said, "Sex is better on holidays."
Worst postcard ever.
(LAUGHS)
(GUITAR RIFF)
♪ All I want is a brand-new pair of shoes
♪ 'Cause the ones that I've got
♪ They've got holes about as big as the moon
♪ Feel like a dog all covered in fleas
♪ The more I scratch the less I ease
♪ People keep telling me money don't grow on trees...
There's this jumbo jet,
Aer Lingus, Irish airline,
flying into the new landing runway...
- Sure. - ..at Dublin Airport.
They come out of the cloud bank.
Real low. Close to the ground.
They realise, "Oh, no. Oh, no.
"We're so close and it's such a short runway.
"The runway is too short. It'll never work."
But they land, they hit the tarmac. (SQUEALS)
And they're putting on the brakes
and the flaps and the engines in reverse
and the passengers in the back, they're going,
"Oh, no! To be sure! To be sure!
"We'll never survive! We'll never survive!"
And the aeroplane stops one millimetre away
from the end of the runway.
And the captain says, "Those fools!
"This runway is way too short."
And the co-pilot says, "Yeah.
"But look how wide it is."
(LAUGHS)
The circus comes to town
and a man goes up to the circus manager's office
and he says, "I'd like to apply for the position
"you had advertised as a contortionist."
And the circus manager says,
"OK, well, how flexible are you?"
He says, "Well, I can't do Thursdays."
(LAUGHTER)
(BAND PLAYS BLUESY ROCK MUSIC)
So there's this old guy, he's dying and his wife's with him.
He's really old.
And he goes, "Martha," to his wife.
"Martha.
"I remember we came out from the old country, Martha.
"And we crossed the border. We had nothing, Martha.
"We crossed the border. I got shot in the shoulder.
"Martha, you were with me.
"And then we created a new life here.
"We built up a company from nothing. The factory.
"And then it burns to the ground.
"You remember that, Martha? You were with me.
"And then I get the polio, Martha.
"I'm in an iron lung for four years, Martha,
"but you were with me.
"Now I'm dying, Martha.
"I just want to tell you one thing, Martha.
"Martha, you're a fucking jinx!"
(LAUGHTER)
♪ I'm gonna see...
- This is a true story. - (LAUGHS)
The guy got busted up in Byron Bay.
Got caught barbecuing a platypus.
And, you know, the locals were outraged.
He went to court, got fined and the judge called him over.
Said to him...
.."What did it taste like?"
And the guy said...
.."Halfway between a dolphin and a koala."
(LAUGHS)
MAN: Oh, God no.
♪ But I can only give you the best that I can do, yeah...
So it's Monday morning and the teacher's there and she said,
"Have a think about your weekend
"and come back with a story with a moral.
"Who's got one?"
So little Lucy, dependable little Lucy, first hand up.
And she says,
"Well, I took my old dog Rover for a walk on the weekend.
"And I tried to teach him to roll over.
"And you know what, miss? I couldn't teach him.
"You can't teach an old dog new tricks, miss."
She goes, "Oh, Lucy, every time you get it right. Every time."
Course there was Steven. He's got his hand up too.
He wants to be part of it.
"Steven, what's your story?"
He says, "Well, I had a race against my next-door neighbour
"and he took off real fast
"but he tripped in a pothole and he sprained his ankle.
"But I was just going slowly. I was taking care.
"I didn't fall down any holes and I won that race, miss.
"Slow and steady wins the race, doesn't it, miss?"
And she goes... (CLAPS) Really there's a connection going on.
She's really teaching the kids.
And of course little Johnny's up the back.
"I got one. I got one." She's like, "Ohhh...
"OK, Johnny, what's your story?"
He said, "I spent the weekend with my uncle Kev,
"the Vietnam vet.
"Uncle Ken, he was in Vietnam
"and he got separated from his battalion.
"It was bloody horrible.
"Anyway, Uncle Kev, he jumps in the bush,
"he pulls out some Saigon spirits, right?
"Sculls half the bottle."
"Gets out his gun, jumps out. Bang, bang, bang, bang!
"Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang!
"And there's blood everywhere. Takes about 30 of 'em out.
"He jumps back into the bush.
"He sculls the second half of that bottle of Saigon spirits,
"just smashes it back.
"Miss, you should've seen him.
"He jumps out, gets his other gun.
"Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.
"All of a sudden he's out of bullets
"and there's still five of 'em left.
"Don't worry about that.
"He gets that bottle, smashes it against his head.
"Hack! Hack! Hack! Hack!
"He doesn't stop
"till every single one of them buggers is dead, miss.
Kids are crying in the class, you know, and the teacher says,
""What could the moral of that story possibly be?"
And he says,
"Well, you don't fuck with Uncle Kev
"when he's on the piss."
(LAUGHTER)
Oh, that's lovely. What a heart-warming story.
♪ Sweet, sweet love
♪ It will last, it will last
♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah
♪ Sweet, sweet love
♪ It will last, it will last
♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah
♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah...
I got one. Bloke goes into a pub and says,
"Give us a beer before the trouble starts."
Publican pours him a beer.
He goes, "Alright. Give us another beer before the trouble starts."
Pours another beer and drinks that.
Then his mate walks in.
He goes, "Oh, me mate's here.
"Give me mate a beer before the trouble starts."
He said, "Oh, by the way.
"Give me another beer before the trouble starts."
And the publican says, "Hey. That'll be $15.80."
Said, "Look out. The trouble's started."
(LAUGHTER)
♪ It burns much inside
♪ As I want you till the day I'm done
(HUMS)
This guy hadn't been laid in quite some time.
He said, "I'm going to go out tonight. I'm going to hook up."
You know. So he goes to a bar.
He looks over in the corner
and there's an older woman, mature-looking woman.
He thinks, "Fuck it!" You know.
And then he has this thought of, like,
"She could really have a really hot daughter
"and then, you know, maybe a threesome."
He's just... He's getting ahead of himself.
They have a few drinks and then he sort of reveals
his mother/daughter fantasy to her, you know?
She's had a few drinks and then she sort of stops
and just says, "Really? That's interesting.
"Let's go back to my place."
And he's just going, "Fuck!" You know?
Get in the cab, get to her place, open the front door.
She goes, "Mum, are you awake?"
(LAUGHTER)
Two comedians talking to each other.
He says, "I haven't seen you. Where have you been?"
He says, "I'm in America. I'm in a sitcom. It's massive.
"Do you not..."
He goes, "Really? I... I haven't heard what it is."
He goes, "Yeah, yeah.
"I do these big stadiums all over in America.
"They're all sold out in advance."
He goes, "I haven't heard any of this."
He goes, "Yeah. They get it here now. It's syndicated here.
"You know... It's a big hit here."
And he goes, "I haven't heard any of this."
He goes, "Yeah, I'm doing a big stadium tour
"on the back of the sitcom being a big hit.
"And the whole thing's sold out in advance.
He goes, "I haven't heard any of this."
He goes, "Yeah, I just...I popped up
"at a local comedy club the other night
"just to try out some new material,
"just to see how it'll go down.
"And died me arse."
He goes, "Oh, yeah, I heard about THAT."
(LAUGHTER)
I went over and visited my aunty and uncle.
She made dinner. Beautiful, right?
And because they're old school,
I was left there at the table with my uncle
and she's taken the plates out to the kitchen to wash up.
And I said, "I'll come help." "No, no, stay there."
So I'm sitting there at the table with me uncle, right?
And I said, "Jeez, that was good food, hey?"
He said, "Oh, yeah, bloody marvellous, hey?"
He said, "We went out to dinner the other night.
"It was a grouse night too. Bloody beautiful food."
And I said, "Fair dinkum. Where was it?
"What was the name of the joint?"
"Oh, jeez, I knew you were going to ask me that. Hang on.
"Now, was it bloody...ah...oh, you know, um... You know...
(SPLUTTERS)
"What's the name? You know, that flower.
"It's like a flower. You know?
"And you give it to sheilas on Valentines Day. You know?
"And it's got the thorns." I said, "Oh, rose!"
He says, "Yeah!
"Hey, Rose! What's the name of that bloody restaurant?"
(LAUGHTER)
A woman gets into an elevator and there's a man there
and he goes, "Oh. Hello. What floor are you going to?"
She says, "Oh, three, please."
He says, "Where are you heading to today?"
She says, "I'm going to give blood." He said, "Oh, really?
"How much do you get for giving blood?" She says, "£20."
He says, "Oh, wow!
"I'm just about to donate some sperm, you know,
"and the sperm bank gives £100."
And she's like, "Really?"
She gets off. Next day, he's there again in the lift.
"Fancy meeting you.
"Where are you off to?"
(AS IF WITH MOUTH FULL) "Sperm bank."
(LAUGHTER)
Oh, man.
STEVE: There's this show. There's a concert on.
And there's this ventriloquist and he's got his dummy out
and he's doing this fantastic routine
but he's offending everyone.
He's offended... He's offended the Ukrainians.
He's offended the Scots. He's offended everyone.
And finally he says, "And tell me, Jerry,
"What do you think about the Irish?"
And before he can get a word out,
this huge Irish bloke stands up in the audience
and he says,
"If you're going to do any Irish jokes,
"I'm gonna come up there,
"I'm going to belt your bloody head in."
And the ventriloquist says, "Look.
"This isn't meant in bad taste. We're just covering everybody."
And he said, "I'm not talking to you.
"I'm talking to that cheeky little bastard
"sitting on your knee."
(LAUGHTER)
♪ I might get home next to never
♪ You won't see me round
♪ 'Cause if I never get on up
♪ Why, I can never get let down... ♪
An Irishman walks into his local pub,
and the bartender says, "What can I get for you, Sean?"
He said, "I'll have a pint of stout, Patrick."
And he says, "As a matter of fact,
"it's the last drink I'm ever gonna buy in this pub."
And the bartender said, "What are you talking about?!
"We didn't have a fight, did we?"
He said, "Oh, no, no, no."
He said, "It's nothing personal, Patrick,"
he said, "but I just found out that down at the Royal,
"you walk in, you buy your first drink,
"after that, you drink for nothing all night,
"and at the end of the night, you get a free fuck!"
(ALL CHUCKLE)
He said, "Who told you that?!" He said, "Me daughter."
(ALL LAUGH)
A guy goes to a psychiatrist, and, um...
..the psychiatrist said to him, "Oh, what can I do for you?"
He said, "Oh, it's not me, it's my brother."
He said, "Oh, what's wrong with your brother?"
He said, "He thinks he's an orange."
He said, "Oh, you should bring him in."
He said, "Oh, I did. I've got him here in my pocket."
My Uncle Jaime has been...
..has been going to the same restaurant for 20 years.
- The same restaurant! - 20 years. Every Monday night.
The same order - one bowl of chicken noodle soup.
But just last week, something went terribly wrong.
"Waiter? Waiter?
"Try the soup."
"What, is something wrong? Is it not hot enough?"
"Just...just try the soup."
"What, is it too salty? Not salty enough?
"Is the noodle-to-liquid ratio not what you had anticipated?"
"Solly, Solly, my old friend, I want you should try the soup."
"OK! OK, I'll try the soup!
"Now, where's the spoon?"
"Aha!"
(ALL LAUGH)
You know, if you want a job in the moisturiser industry,
the best advice I can give you is apply daily.
(LAUGHS)
You know, the people of Dubai don't like The Flintstones,
but the people of Abu-Dhabi-do.
(LAUGHS)
Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends?
- I don't know. - 'Cause he's married.
(LAUGHS)
I wasn't expecting that. (LAUGHS)
I went to an auction
and I bought the DeLorean from Back To The Future.
I'm only gonna drive it from time to time.
- (LAUGHTER) - Ohh! Nice!
A blonde and a redhead sitting at a bar.
The blonde looks out the window and she sees this guy
with these really long-stemmed flowers.
And the redhead looks and goes, "Ugh! It's my husband.
"All that means is that I'm gonna spend the entire week
"on my back with my legs open."
And the blonde goes, "Don't you have a vase?"
- Yes! - (ALL LAUGH)
There's this guy, right, and he goes...
..he goes in and he just grabs a pint
and he just smashes it against the wall.
The bartender goes, "What are you doing?"
He goes, "Oh, it's a problem I have.
"I'm sorry. I'm very ashamed of it."
He goes, "You've got to get that checked out.
"You've got to go speak to someone about it."
And he goes, "OK."
So, he goes away for three months, comes back,
drinks a pint and just chucks it at the wall
and then it just smashes.
He goes, "What are you doing?
"I thought you said you were gonna get help for it."
He's like, "Yep. I did. I'm not ashamed of it anymore."
(BOTH LAUGH)
Another true... Listen. It's a true story.
Some... It can't be all jokes.
- It can't be. - Some of it has to be true.
A true story. We're listening. We're listening.
- (SIGHS) - Go on.
A frog goes into a bank...
- (LAUGHTER) - ..to get a loan...
These two drunks have just left the pub
and they're pretty pissed,
and they're walking down the road,
and in the gutter, there's a dog there licking its balls.
And one drunk said to the other, he said, "Jesus."
He said, "I'd love to be able to do that."
And his mate said, "I think I'd fuckin' pat him first."
(LAUGHS)
JIMEOIN: How many body builders
does it take to change a light bulb?
- How many? - Two.
One to change the light bulb
and another one to go, "Look at you, man! You're huge!"
(ALL LAUGH)
♪ Well, I'm looking out on an overcast sky in the morning
♪ I can't hear the warning as it calls to you
♪ As the birds migrate and the wind is raised
♪ I see the eagle soaring
♪ Although I'm just a pawn in nature's game, like you
♪ Wa-hoo
♪ Wa-hoo-ah
♪ On the wings of an eagle
♪ I find myself lifted through the skies
♪ Lifted up above the world to see
♪ On the wings of an eagle
♪ I find myself lifted through the skies
♪ Lifted up above the world to see
♪ Can you see me? Can you see me?
♪ As the days roll on and the nights get long
♪ The changing of the seasons
♪ The falling autumn... ♪
Hi, Dad.
- Hey, mate. - How are you going?
Yeah, not bad.
♪ They bring me down
♪ They bring me down... ♪
Yeah, so, um...
..what's the guts of this party?
What's it really all about?
Well, uh...to tell the truth, I threw it for you.
Me?
Well...you've spent my whole life making me laugh,
so I thought it...might be nice to try and return the favour.
So...thought I'd bring some mates round
to give me a chop out.
And, you know, let's be honest, you're not getting any younger
and I'm not getting any funnier, so...
No.
Yeah, this, uh...this gig looks like it might go for a while.
I don't know whether I'll see it right to the end.
I'll probably have another couple of quiet ones,
then I might just drift off.
If I'm missing, you'll know that I've hit the sack
and called it a day.
Done.
But it's been terrific, you know?
And thanks...thanks, boy.
Pleasure, Dad.
One more for the road?
Ooh, why not? Why not?
(CLEARS THROAT) So, uh...this primary school,
it's St Patrick's Day, and they decide
they should invite one of the kids' grandparents along,
'cause he served during the war.
So he comes into the classroom and he explains, he said...
(IRISH ACCENT) .. "Well, children, I fought in the war.
"War's a terrible thing.
"People fighting other people because of other people."
He said, "Hope you never have to be a part of it," he said.
"Anyway, I worked on an airfield,"
and he said, "and this day, I'm on the airfield
"and this fucker comes swooping in, shooting at me."
And the teacher rushes in and says,
"Just before he goes any further,
"children, just so you know,
"a Fokker was an aeroplane that they used during the war."
And he said, "That is right.
"But THIS fucker was flying a Messerschmitt."
(BOTH LAUGH)
- The Irish. (CHUCKLES) - See you later.
God bless 'em. Yeah, see you, boy.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Good lad.
SHANE: OK, everyone, last round.
(BAND PLAYS)
♪ This might come back to bite us
♪ I know you think so too
♪ But when it come to it, babe
♪ What have we got to lose?
♪ Holding back feeling
♪ Can't stop a waterfall
♪ No good at pretending, oh
♪ When my back's against the wall
♪ I've had you on my mind
♪ Tonight, oh
♪ All I need is a sign
♪ Don't think twice... ♪
So, the Lone Ranger got caught by Sitting Bull.
It was horrifying. This great hero of the American people.
And out of respect, Sitting Bull says to the Lone Ranger,
"You're an amazing man.
"So...I'm gonna kill you in three days,
"but I'll give you, you know,
"three little moments, three requests,
"you know, try and ease the pain."
So, the Lone Ranger says,
"No problems at all. I'd like to talk to my horse."
So, they bring Silver in,
and the Lone Ranger whispers in that beautiful horse's ear,
and all of a sudden... (MIMICS HOOF BEATS)
..out over the horizon, Silver gallops.
Comes back a couple of hours later
with the most beautiful lady riding on his back.
Beautiful, lovely blonde lady.
And she goes into the tent with the Lone Ranger,
and they spend the night.
She comes out,
and Sitting Bull is, of course, very impressed with this -
this connection between man and beast he's not seen before.
So he says, "You're an amazing guy, Lone Ranger.
"I'm gonna kill you in two days, but, still, um..."
(ALL LAUGH)
"So, I...do you want another little request or something?"
And the Lone Ranger says,
"I'll do that. I'd like to talk to my horse again."
So Silver comes in. He whispers in Silver's ear.
Same thing - boom! - gallops over the horizon.
In two hours, comes back -
this time, another lovely lady, a brunette this time,
and more intelligent and voluptuous and quite a stunner.
And in she goes into the tent,
and who knows what happens betwixt the sheets that night?
MICHALA: (LAUGHS) "Betwixt"!
And they come out in the morning
and the Lone Ranger's looking around again.
Sitting Bull says, "This is quite something.
"That is quite a special horse.
"I will kill you tomorrow, still,
"because I hate everything about you."
(ALL LAUGH)
"But I'll give you one more request,
"since you're so amazing."
And this time, the Lone Ranger says, "No problems at all.
"This time, could I just have
"a quiet word with the horse in private?"
"Yeah, no problems at all."
So the horse goes into the tent, and finally, he's alone,
and the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by the ears,
he looks into his eyes, he says,
"I will tell you clearly - bring POSSE!"
(ALL LAUGH)
♪ Don't you think twice, babe
♪ Don't think twice
♪ Don't think twice... ♪
OK, so, there's this, um, army captain
and he goes out to visit the troops
in the middle of the desert, and he hasn't...
They've been out there for months and months and months
on their own.
So, he's like, "OK, guys, are you gonna show me around?"
And they go, "Well...yeah, alright."
So, it's like, "There's a tent, and there's another tent,
"and there's another tent.
"That's...pretty much it.
"Yep."
And he goes, "Well, what's that?"
There's, like, this really sad-looking camel.
And they went, "Oh.
"Yeah, that's, uh... that's the camel."
And he goes, "Why is it so sad?"
And he goes, "Well, it's really...
"..been a while out here in the desert,
"and there's no women, and...
"..so sometimes we... take the camel and...
"..you know."
And he goes, "Oh. OK."
Anyway, so, a few days go past
and the captain sort of looks at the camel and goes...
.."Nah. No, I'll be alright."
And then a couple of weeks go past and he's like...
(INHALES SHARPLY) "OK, well...
"Nah, I'll be right. No, it's OK."
And then a month later, he's like, "Guys, grab that camel.
"Get it in the tent. Get it in the tent now."
So, they take the camel in the tent
and he's, like...gets his pants down and he roots the camel
and he comes out and he goes,
"So, that's what we do in the desert, is it?"
And the guys go, "We usually just ride it into town
"and get a girl, but..."
(ALL LAUGH)
"..good on you."
♪ Let's go driving on this highway
♪ Let me wander
♪ Far and wide
♪ Got my arm out of the window
♪ With my baggage on fire by my side
♪ All I see is this orange colour
♪ I see it glowing
♪ A burning blaze... ♪
SHANE: This old bloke lives just down the road from us,
and he's getting on a bit, he lost his wife a few years ago,
and I kind of help him out,
just taking the bins out and a few things,
and just recently, we went through daylight saving time
and it was the day after,
and I went in there, and he leaves the front door open.
I said, "Are you there, Harold? Are you there?"
And I couldn't hear anything, and I walked in,
and when I walked in, he was sitting on the couch
with some boot polish
and rubbing black boot polish on his dick.
And I had to go, "No, no, Harold!
"Harold, what I said was,
"'Don't forget to turn your CLOCK BACK!'"
(ALL LAUGH)
- ♪ Better days - ♪ Better days
♪ I can't keep going this way
♪ Something's gotta help me stay
♪ With this world... ♪
TIM: There is a guy at this pub and he is smashed.
He's never been this drunk before, and he's a big drinker,
but he's completely, apoplectically smashed.
And he says, "Righto, can't drink any more.
"I'm going home!"
And all his mates are shouting at him.
He's, "No, no, bugger off! I'm going home!"
And he falls out of his chair and drags himself to the door.
(GRUNTS)
Pushes the door open.
"No, no, shut up! I'm not coming back in!"
And they're all shouting.
And he drags himself all the way down to the highway.
And then, "Nneeeooowww!" (GRUNTS)
"Nneeeooowww!" He makes it across the highway.
He goes up the street, down the street,
over a hill and back down the hill,
finally gets to his... to his place.
Pushes the door open and then... (GRUNTS)
..drags himself up the stairs, gets to his bed
and drags himself into the bed,
then goes, "Ohhh, man!"
And he falls back and says to his wife,
"Oh! I'm so drunk! I've never been this drunk!"
And she sits up and says,
"Yes, and you've left your wheelchair at the pub again!"
(ALL LAUGH)
It's a wheelchair joke!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Don't leave the pub without it!
♪ If you only would
- ♪ Better days - ♪ Better days
♪ I ain't got a dime to call you... ♪
The hunchback of Notre Dame goes to a party.
(LAUGHTER)
That's not it! That's not it...
It's very dark, it's very late
and he turns up to the party a little bit late,
everyone's having a ball
and he sees a really lovely-looking lady
across the room.
And he has a few drinks and gets enough courage
and makes his way over, right?
(LAUGHTER)
This is my hunchback impersonation. It's terrible.
Taps her on the shoulder. (SLURS) "'Scuse me?!"
"Can I...? Can I take you for a dance?"
And she's like, "Oh! Oh, um, yep.
"Uh, yes! I'd love to dance! Lovely!"
So, they dance throughout...
And he's a really good dancer.
Like, he's doing the worm, the full bit.
(LAUGHTER)
And he says, "Can I get you a drink? I can make you a drink?"
And she's like, "That would be lovely."
She can barely see this guy but she's like,
"Yeah, great. Sounds great."
He makes her a drink. The night progresses.
He's made her many drinks, they've had many dances,
and he's had a few drinks himself
and thinks, "Alright, I'm gonna...see if I can...
"I think I might be in here."
So, he goes, "Would you consider coming home with me?"
And she's like...
She's a bit tanked, so she's like, "Well... Yeah, alright.
"That sounds kind of fun. Great. Yeah."
And, so, he wanders out the front
and there's a hansom cab waiting, naturally,
and he gets over to the hansom cab and, um...
(BLOWS) ..tries to blow out the candle. (BLOWS)
And "Sss! Sss!" Blows out the candles, so she can't...
'Cause he's very conscious,
if she sees him, she's not gonna come home.
So, they get in the hansom cab, get back to Notre Dame.
She's like, "Oh, this is enormous! Is this your place?"
He's like, "Yeah, it's not bad!"
"I'm very sorry about all the stairs."
She's like, "Oh, no, that's OK."
So, they go up the stairs and as they're going up the stairs,
he's... (BLOWS) .. trying to blow out the candles...
"Sss! Sss!" Doing all the candles on the way up.
They get to the top - the view's spectacular.
She's like, "This is amazing."
He's like, "Yeah, it's not bad.
"Would you consider having sex with me?"
And she's pretty tanked
and she's looking at the view, she's in a great pad,
and she's like, "Yeah, OK. Why not?
"Yeah, alright. Sounds good."
And, so, they go to bed and they have really great sex.
Great...great sex. All night.
And they fall asleep in each other's arms.
It's beautiful, very romantic.
The next morning, the sun is coming through the window
and she is awoken by the sunlight
and sort of sits up and looks across
and discovers the hunchback
and what she's spent the evening with...
..and... (RETCHES AND VOMITS)
She vomits everywhere. Everywhere.
All over the doona, the pillow, everywhere.
She's vomited everywhere.
He, of course, wakes up to the sound of this woman vomiting,
turns over and goes, "Oh...
"Are you alright?"
And she says, "Oh..." She's very polite.
"Oh, yes. I'm so sorry.
"I had a lot to drink. The...the altitude...
"I've just...I've just thrown up everywhere.
"I'm so sorry. Just thrown up everywhere."
And he says, "Oh, that's OK. Thank God.
"For a second I thought my back had burst."
(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)
(THE MELTDOWN PLAYS 'HOW FUNNY IS ANOTHER MAN'S PAIN?')
♪ I've seen blood on your horizon
♪ I see hope in your eyes... ♪
This guy's waiting at a bar
and he's supposed to be meeting a girl
and he's been waiting for about an hour - a bit of a no-show.
And he's kind of used to this happening
and he kind of thought, "Oh, it's happened again."
And down the end of the bar, there's another lady waiting
and he's noticed she's been there for about the same time.
In the end, he's said, "Can I buy the lady there a drink?
"I don't want to chat her up or anything.
"It's just if she's going through what I am,
"I know what it feels like," and just say,
"'From a man at the other end of the bar. Nothing in it.'"
So, he buys her a drink and the barman explains to her,
"It's from the guy at the end of the bar."
And he doesn't go to her. Another hour goes past.
And she thinks, "God, he meant that."
Anyway, and they get chatting
and she kind of thinks, "This is a nice guy."
So, she ends up drinking too much
and she says, "Gosh, I was supposed to drive home.
"I was only gonna have a couple."
And he says, "If you want, I live just round the corner."
"You're more than welcome to stay the night."
So, he says, "Look, I'm gonna be gone
"pretty early in the morning.
"You can stay in my room. I'm gonna sleep on the couch."
And she thinks, "This is a bit of a con."
But sure enough, he's putting a doona on the couch
and, so, he leads her into the room, opens the room,
and it's this beautiful room,
everything's neat as you could ever imagine.
He goes back and just gets on the couch
and puts the doona over.
And she's sitting there, thinking, "Is this a con?"
Nup. Time goes by, she looks in the room
and not only is it perfect, but he's got all these shelves
and he's got, like, teddy bears and they're arranged.
Everything is so neat. They're arranged.
Like, the biggest teddies on the top
and medium-sized one on the middle
and little ones down the bottom.
And she's like, "Oh, my God, this is the nicest guy..."
She said, "I'm just gonna go and ask him
"if he'd like to stay in the room with me."
So, "If you would like to have sex,
"I think you're the right sort of person I should do it with."
Well, to her surprise, it goes for an hour and a half.
It is the best sex she has ever had in her life,
and she is exhausted.
At the end, she's collapsed.
She's sweated all she can sweat.
There's no more swear words.
She cannot lay her tongue to another swear word.
It's been so amazing.
And she goes, "Oh! That was amazing!"
"How good was that?!"
And he said, "Yeah, yeah, it was pretty good.
"Anything from the bottom shelf."
(LAUGHTER)
A bit of a carny joke there. Sorry, folks.
- ♪ Funny - ♪ Funny
♪ Ooh-hoo
♪ Is another man's pain?
♪ Oh, another man's pain
One of the richest guys in Australia. He's met everybody.
He's been invited to everything!
But he hasn't met the Pope.
So, first-class, over to the Vatican he goes.
And he, uh, decks himself out.
He's got the best suit, the best haircut,
the best shoes, the works - he's gonna meet the Pope.
And he gets to the front of the line outside of the Vatican,
where everyone waits for the Pope to come out.
And there's a guy next to him - he's homeless, filthy, stank!
And the Popemobile comes out into the, um...
..Pope area...
(LAUGHTER)
- The Potpourri. - The Potpourri.
And he gets out of the Popemobile and he heads over,
but he goes to the filthy homeless man.
And he whispers to him, and the homeless man says...
And he pisses off, the Pope.
(LAUGHTER)
And the next morning, tries again
but this time, he finds the homeless guy
and he gives him 50 bucks
and he says, "Give me all your clothes and...piss off."
And, so, he wears the homeless guy's clothes
and...puts dirt all over himself
and the Popemobile comes out
and, sure enough, the Pope gets out of the Popemobile
and he comes over to this guy
who's dressed up as a homeless man
and he grabs him by the...
..just touches him on the back of the head so beautifully
and he says,
"I thought I told you to fuck off yesterday."
(LAUGHTER)
('HOW FUNNY IS ANOTHER MAN'S PAIN?' CONTINUES)
♪ Well, the man... ♪
This bloke runs a business.
Been running it 20 years. Goes alright.
And one day, he's standing behind the counter
and he hears this voice from the heavens.
"Sell the business for $3 million."
"What?"
"Sell the business for $3 million."
Don't know where the voice is coming from.
Thinks he's half-pissed. Doesn't listen.
Next day, he's back at work. The voice is back.
"Sell the business for $3 million."
He said, "Who the bloody hell is...?"
"Don't worry who it is. Sell the business for $3 million."
So, he ignores it again.
Three weeks have gone by, every day, the bloody voice is back.
"Sell the business for $3 million."
So, on the third week, he goes, "Alright, bugger it.
"I'll sell it." Rings up the real estate agent.
"I want to sell my business." "No worries.
"How much you want?" "$3 million." "Beautiful."
They got him the cash. And he said, "What now?"
The voice said, "Go to the casino."
"Go to the casino? I'm not a gambling man."
He said, "Go to the casino and take the $3 million."
So, he goes to the casino with the $3 million
and he lobs there, and the voice says,
"Now, go to the roulette wheel in the corner.
"The one over there." He's gone over there.
He said, "Take the $3 million to the cash desk."
Listening to this voice, walking around the joint.
"What now?" "Go to the cash desk with the $3 million."
He's gone with the $3 million to the cash desk.
They've given it to him in chips.
He's gone back over to the roulette wheel. "What now?"
The voice said, "Trust me.
"Put it on 22 black. Everything. $3 million.
"On 22 black."
He said, "Alright, I've come this far. Bugger it."
And he's whacked it all on 22 black.
Bloke's spun the wheel.
1 red.
And the voice said...
"Shit!"
(LAUGHTER)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
(CHEERING FADES)
(JAZZ PIANO INTRO)
♪ Look for
♪ The silver lining
♪ Whenever a cloud
♪ Appears in the blue
♪ Just remember, somewhere
♪ The sun is shining
♪ And so the right thing
♪ To do
♪ Is make it shine for you
♪ A heart full
♪ Of joy and gladness
♪ Will always banish
♪ Sadness and strife
♪ So, always look for
♪ The silver lining
♪ And try to find
♪ The sunny side of life... ♪
The Queen, uh...
Remember the guy who breaks into the Queen's bedroom?
Years ago, this guy broke in through the Queen's window.
He's sitting at the end of her bed
and he says to the Queen, uh,
"Go on, show me your tits."
And the Queen goes, "No, I will not.
"I shouldn't even be doing this."
(LAUGHTER)
(JAZZ MUSIC CONTINUES)
♪ Oh, look for
♪ The silver lining
♪ Whenever a cloud
♪ Appears in the blue
♪ Just remember, somewhere
♪ The sun is shining
♪ And so the right thing
♪ To do
♪ Is make it shine for you
♪ A heart full
♪ Of joy and gladness
♪ Will always banish
♪ Sadness and strife
♪ So, always look for
♪ The silver lining
♪ And try to find
♪ The sunny side of life
♪ Oh, just try to find
♪ The sunny side of life. ♪
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
(BLUES ROCK MUSIC)
♪ Baby
♪ I know
♪ I got nothing good
♪ To show
♪ I'm hoping you call
♪ My name
♪ I got what you want all the same
♪ 'Cause I've been searching for the answers
♪ And I've been looking all night long
♪ Yeah, I've been searching for the answers
♪ But I'm right where I belong... ♪
I was in a restaurant the other night with me missus,
and she knocked her drink over.
I called the waiter over and I said,
"My wife just knocked her drink over."
He said, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll get you another one."
I said, "Beauty. Make sure the next one likes footy."
(LAUGHS) Oh, my...
(SIGHS)
This morning, I accidentally swallowed
a bunch of Scrabble tiles.
My next trip to the bathroom
could spell disaster.
(LAUGHS)
I had bad sunburn, so I started taking Viagra.
Didn't help, but it kept the sheets off me legs at night.
(LAUGHS)
♪ Down by the river
♪ Today
♪ I saw my old friends
♪ As they washed away
♪ I listened to the wind
♪ Carry your name
♪ I got what you want all the same
♪ 'Cause I've been searching for the answers
♪ I've been looking all night long
♪ Yeah, I've been searching for the answers
♪ But I'm right where I belong
(HARMONICA SOLO)
♪ 'Cause I've been searching
♪ For the answers
♪ I've been looking
♪ All night long
♪ Yeah, I've been searching
♪ For the answers
♪ 'Cause I'm right
♪ Where I belong
♪ Oh-oh
♪ 'Cause I'm searching
♪ For the answers
♪ Yeah, I'm looking all night long
♪ Yeah, I am searching
♪ For the answers
♪ 'Cause I'm right
♪ Where I belong. ♪