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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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(COW MOOS)

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(SEAGULLS SQUAWK)

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These two apiarists
were talking to one another,

6
00:00:45,938 --> 00:00:47,381
and one bloke said
to the other, he said,

7
00:00:47,481 --> 00:00:49,342
"How's your bee business
going?"

8
00:00:49,442 --> 00:00:52,094
And he said, "Oh, yeah,
it's going on quite nicely."

9
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And the other fella said,

10
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"How many bees
do you reckon you'd have?"

11
00:00:54,905 --> 00:00:58,475
And he said,
"Oh, roughly 250,000, 300,000."

12
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He said,
"Oh, that's a good number."

13
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He said,
"What about the hives?"

14
00:01:01,411 --> 00:01:02,813
He said, "Well,
I've just put in another one,"

15
00:01:02,913 --> 00:01:04,523
he said,
"so that makes it seven."

16
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He said, "Oh, that's great."

17
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The other fella said,
"What about you?"

18
00:01:07,167 --> 00:01:08,652
And he said, "Well,
as you know," he said,

19
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"I've been doing it
for a long time,

20
00:01:10,420 --> 00:01:12,197
"and Dad was an apiarist
before me."

21
00:01:12,297 --> 00:01:14,241
And he said,
"At the last count,

22
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"I reckon I've got about
2.5 million to 3 million bees."

23
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He said, "3 million?!"
the other bloke said,

24
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and he said, "Yeah."

25
00:01:20,471 --> 00:01:21,956
He said,
"How many hives you got?"

26
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He said, "Oh, just the one."

27
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He said, "3 million bees
and just the one hive?"

28
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He said, "Yeah. Yeah.

29
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"Fuck 'em."

30
00:01:44,620 --> 00:01:46,897
Now, what's this party
all about anyhow, son?

31
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Oh, it's just a party, Dad.

32
00:01:49,124 --> 00:01:51,443
Yeah, I'm told they're gonna
bring some jokes along.

33
00:01:51,543 --> 00:01:52,861
Is that right?

34
00:01:52,961 --> 00:01:54,529
Yeah, that's right.

35
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Yeah, well,
I've got a couple of jokes.

36
00:01:57,549 --> 00:01:59,200
Yeah, I know you do, Dad.

37
00:01:59,300 --> 00:02:02,370
Yeah. There's this bloke
and his missus and 14 kids,

38
00:02:02,470 --> 00:02:03,788
and they're standing
at a bus stop.

39
00:02:03,888 --> 00:02:05,707
They've got a blind bloke
with them.

40
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The bus pulls up
and the 14 kids get on

41
00:02:08,393 --> 00:02:10,837
and the woman gets on
and the husband goes to get on

42
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and the bus driver said,
"Hey. Whoa. Stop.

43
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"Too many on the bus.
You're gonna have to walk."

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So he's left
with the blind bloke.

45
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And the blind bloke said,

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"Do you mind
if I walk with you, mate?"

47
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And he said, "Oh, no.
Nothing else can go right.

48
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"You may as well walk with me."

49
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And as the blind bloke's
going along,

50
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he's tapping the ground with
his cane, and the fella said,

51
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"Must you tap that bloody thing
on the ground?

52
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"It's driving me mad."

53
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And he said,
"Well, I'm a blind man.

54
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"It's the way
I find my way along."

55
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And he said, "Well, yeah.

56
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"Couldn't you put some rubber
on your stick?"

57
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The blind man said,

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"If you'd have put some rubber
on YOUR stick,

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"we'd have both
got on the fuckin' bus."

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Remember the first limerick
you told me,

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when I was about eight?

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"Mary had a little dress
with a slit right up one side.

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"Every time she bent over,
the boys could see her thighs.

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"Mary had another dress,
with a slit right up the front.

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"She didn't wear that much."

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You weren't eight.

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He was fuckin' seven.

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So, the invite said don't bring
food and don't bring booze -

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just bring
your three favourite jokes.

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LEHMO: So,
did you hear the one about

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the, um...the three
lesbian hitchhikers

72
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walk into a Shane Jacobson
party?

73
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- (OTHERS EXCLAIM AND LAUGH)
- What?!

74
00:03:30,096 --> 00:03:31,873
I'm looking forward to this.
Thanks for the lift, darling.

75
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Yeah.

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CHRISTIE: This is like
Driving Miss Daisy.

77
00:03:35,643 --> 00:03:36,919
(STEVE CHUCKLES)

78
00:03:37,019 --> 00:03:39,797
Are you, um...have you got
a gag worked out?

79
00:03:39,897 --> 00:03:41,883
I'm nervous about telling it.

80
00:03:41,983 --> 00:03:44,068
- Can I try it out on you?
- Yep.

81
00:03:46,946 --> 00:03:50,199
Hey, we're not far.
We're looking for Clarkefield.

82
00:03:51,575 --> 00:03:53,185
I wanna beat you this time.

83
00:03:53,285 --> 00:03:54,853
Well, you got
your bike licence?

84
00:03:54,953 --> 00:03:57,039
No.

85
00:04:00,459 --> 00:04:01,526
Hey, Craigs. How are you, mate?

86
00:04:01,626 --> 00:04:02,736
Jaco. How are you, brother?

87
00:04:02,836 --> 00:04:04,988
- Good, mate. Yourself?
- Bloody well.

88
00:04:05,088 --> 00:04:06,448
(CHUCKLES)

89
00:04:06,548 --> 00:04:07,991
Might need
a bit more than that.

90
00:04:08,091 --> 00:04:09,951
- Come on, mate.
I also brought the ute.

91
00:04:10,051 --> 00:04:12,137
Ute?

92
00:04:19,894 --> 00:04:21,979
Yeah, I reckon
that should do it.

93
00:04:23,731 --> 00:04:26,259
Newly married couple just
home from their honeymoon.

94
00:04:26,359 --> 00:04:27,551
Yeah?

95
00:04:27,651 --> 00:04:28,886
First time in their
marital home together,

96
00:04:28,986 --> 00:04:31,514
and he goes up to the bathroom,

97
00:04:31,614 --> 00:04:33,057
and he comes down and he says,

98
00:04:33,157 --> 00:04:35,768
"There's a dead horse
in the bath."

99
00:04:35,868 --> 00:04:39,062
And she says, "Well,
I never said I was neat."

100
00:04:39,162 --> 00:04:41,248
(LAUGHS)

101
00:04:42,916 --> 00:04:44,151
LEHMO: A pie walks into a bar.

102
00:04:44,251 --> 00:04:45,944
- A pie?
- A pie.

103
00:04:46,044 --> 00:04:49,030
Well, see, that doesn't make
sense. A pie wouldn't walk.

104
00:04:49,130 --> 00:04:50,198
HUNG: I've got a joke for you.

105
00:04:50,298 --> 00:04:51,241
- You wanna hear it?
- Yes.

106
00:04:51,341 --> 00:04:52,784
This guy goes to a supermarket,
right,

107
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and he gets up to
the checkout line.

108
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Gets a half a loaf of bread,
half a pint of milk

109
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and half a dozen eggs,

110
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and a Playboy magazine.

111
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And the checkout chick goes,

112
00:05:01,893 --> 00:05:03,086
"Hey, you're single,
aren't you?"

113
00:05:03,186 --> 00:05:04,587
And he goes, "Well,
how did you know?"

114
00:05:04,687 --> 00:05:07,089
She goes, "Well,
you're pretty fuckin' ugly."

115
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A pie walks into a bar
and the barman says,

116
00:05:09,108 --> 00:05:10,635
"Sorry,
we don't serve food here."

117
00:05:10,735 --> 00:05:12,820
(OTHERS LAUGH)

118
00:05:13,904 --> 00:05:15,598
So,
there's this elderly couple.

119
00:05:15,698 --> 00:05:19,435
They're driving home, and this
cop pulls them over, see?

120
00:05:19,535 --> 00:05:21,603
Puts down his window,
and goes around

121
00:05:21,703 --> 00:05:23,188
and the cop says to the bloke,

122
00:05:23,288 --> 00:05:25,607
"Were you aware that you're
doing 80 in a 60 zone?"

123
00:05:25,707 --> 00:05:28,068
And the wife says,
"What'd he say?"

124
00:05:28,168 --> 00:05:31,988
He says, "He says
I was doing 80 in a 60 zone."

125
00:05:32,088 --> 00:05:33,406
Says, "Can I have your licence,
please?"

126
00:05:33,506 --> 00:05:34,908
"What did he say?"

127
00:05:35,008 --> 00:05:37,452
He said,
"He wants to see my licence."

128
00:05:37,552 --> 00:05:38,703
So the cop looks at the licence

129
00:05:38,803 --> 00:05:39,996
and says,
"Oh, you're from Ballarat.

130
00:05:40,096 --> 00:05:42,874
He says, "Christ, I had
the worst sex in my life

131
00:05:42,974 --> 00:05:43,917
"in Ballarat."

132
00:05:44,017 --> 00:05:45,126
She says, "What did he say?"

133
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He says,
"He thinks he knows you."

134
00:05:46,727 --> 00:05:48,045
(BOTH LAUGH)

135
00:05:48,145 --> 00:05:49,213
Dad, did I tell you about

136
00:05:49,313 --> 00:05:50,840
the blonde girl
that walks into a library

137
00:05:50,940 --> 00:05:52,466
and said, "Can I have
a hamburger, please?"

138
00:05:52,566 --> 00:05:54,051
He said,
"Darling, this is a library."

139
00:05:54,151 --> 00:05:55,469
She said, "Oh, I am sorry."

140
00:05:55,569 --> 00:05:57,221
(WHISPERS) "Can I have
a hamburger, please?"

141
00:05:57,321 --> 00:05:59,406
(LAUGHS)

142
00:06:00,282 --> 00:06:02,451
Well, Dad, I reckon
we're just about right to go.

143
00:06:10,459 --> 00:06:12,961
(BAND PLAYS ROCK MUSIC)

144
00:06:21,511 --> 00:06:24,164
♪ Well, strap yourself in

145
00:06:24,264 --> 00:06:26,749
♪ Hang on for the ride

146
00:06:26,849 --> 00:06:28,668
♪ Dirt's gonna fly

147
00:06:28,768 --> 00:06:31,062
♪ And the ground's gonna shake
tonight

148
00:06:32,730 --> 00:06:35,341
♪ Well,
you don't have to look far

149
00:06:35,441 --> 00:06:38,094
♪ 'Cause it's right here
in your backyard

150
00:06:38,194 --> 00:06:41,388
♪ There's a hundred tracks
across our land

151
00:06:41,488 --> 00:06:42,932
♪ They call home

152
00:06:43,032 --> 00:06:45,617
♪ This fearless band
of dirt track

153
00:06:46,743 --> 00:06:48,829
♪ Dirt track cowboys

154
00:06:49,955 --> 00:06:52,608
♪ Dirt track cowboys

155
00:06:52,708 --> 00:06:55,277
♪ Mudslinging outlaws

156
00:06:55,377 --> 00:06:57,946
♪ This ain't no
Hollywood star wars

157
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♪ It's the real deal,
open wheel

158
00:07:00,465 --> 00:07:02,550
♪ Dirt track cowboys

159
00:07:06,262 --> 00:07:07,288
♪ Well... ♪

160
00:07:07,388 --> 00:07:08,373
- How are you, mate?
- Good.

161
00:07:08,473 --> 00:07:09,999
Alright, well,
I've got one for you.

162
00:07:10,099 --> 00:07:12,460
There's three old blokes,
having a drink in a pub,

163
00:07:12,560 --> 00:07:13,836
which they do semi-regularly,

164
00:07:13,936 --> 00:07:16,005
and they're getting on a bit,
and one of them said,

165
00:07:16,105 --> 00:07:18,090
"What do you reckon
is the most dangerous thing

166
00:07:18,190 --> 00:07:19,675
"that ever happened
in your life, Trev?

167
00:07:19,775 --> 00:07:22,094
"When was the moment you
thought you were gonna die?"

168
00:07:22,194 --> 00:07:24,472
And he said, "Oh,"
he said, "well, for me,"

169
00:07:24,572 --> 00:07:26,640
he said, "as you know, I'm 90
now, and I feel blessed,"

170
00:07:26,740 --> 00:07:29,810
he said, "but I had an old
car," he said. "Model-T."

171
00:07:29,910 --> 00:07:31,937
And he said, "Couldn't afford
to put tyres on the bastard,"

172
00:07:32,037 --> 00:07:33,856
he said, "so every time
it went round a corner,

173
00:07:33,956 --> 00:07:35,399
"after a while
you were kinda more trying

174
00:07:35,499 --> 00:07:36,942
"to keep the thing
from crashing into a tree

175
00:07:37,042 --> 00:07:38,068
"than drive the thing.

176
00:07:38,168 --> 00:07:39,528
"Anyway, one day it went
off the side of the road

177
00:07:39,628 --> 00:07:41,363
"and it did what I always
thought it might do - rolled,

178
00:07:41,463 --> 00:07:42,948
"and it rolled
about three or four times.

179
00:07:43,048 --> 00:07:43,990
"We didn't have belts then."

180
00:07:44,090 --> 00:07:45,950
He said, "Pretty lucky
to get out of that alive.

181
00:07:46,050 --> 00:07:47,035
"I thought I was gonna die."

182
00:07:47,135 --> 00:07:48,787
And I said, "Oh, fair enough.
Fair enough."

183
00:07:48,887 --> 00:07:50,955
With that, old Richo says,
"Well, I'll be honest."

184
00:07:51,055 --> 00:07:52,707
He said, "As you know,
for a while," he said,

185
00:07:52,807 --> 00:07:55,335
"I used to work making bridges,
and we're in a country town,

186
00:07:55,435 --> 00:07:56,919
"building a pretty decent
bridge, to be honest."

187
00:07:57,019 --> 00:07:58,421
He said,
"It was a rail bridge."

188
00:07:58,521 --> 00:07:59,672
And he said,
"We got to the point

189
00:07:59,772 --> 00:08:01,549
"where both sides almost met."

190
00:08:01,649 --> 00:08:03,300
And he said, "But, you know,

191
00:08:03,400 --> 00:08:04,635
"we made a few mistakes
here and there.

192
00:08:04,735 --> 00:08:05,678
"Can happen. Human error."

193
00:08:05,778 --> 00:08:07,471
And he said,
"The bridge started to go down.

194
00:08:07,571 --> 00:08:09,765
"I had to ride the thing down.
A fair way - 20, 30 metres."

195
00:08:09,865 --> 00:08:11,058
He said,
"I thought I was a goner."

196
00:08:11,158 --> 00:08:13,143
He said, "So, that was the day
I thought I'd die."

197
00:08:13,243 --> 00:08:15,729
And he said, "But, hey, still
here. We're still here, mate."

198
00:08:15,829 --> 00:08:17,731
And with that, they said,
"Oh, Morrie.

199
00:08:17,831 --> 00:08:19,107
"What about you, Morrie?"

200
00:08:19,207 --> 00:08:20,734
He said, "Oh," he said,
"as you know," he said,

201
00:08:20,834 --> 00:08:21,943
"I'm the oldest
out of the group.

202
00:08:22,043 --> 00:08:23,487
"At 96, I'm going alright,"
he said.

203
00:08:23,587 --> 00:08:26,239
"But," he said, "when we were
fighting in the Congo..."

204
00:08:26,339 --> 00:08:27,616
He said, "We were there once."

205
00:08:27,716 --> 00:08:29,951
He said...and he said,
"A whole bunch of reeds.

206
00:08:30,051 --> 00:08:31,870
"Pretty...pretty thick,
dense stuff, it was.

207
00:08:31,970 --> 00:08:33,746
"Everything looked green.
We were wearing green.

208
00:08:33,846 --> 00:08:35,164
"Couldn't tell each other
from a plant."

209
00:08:35,264 --> 00:08:37,250
And he said, "Anyway, there was
this noise, and we all froze,"

210
00:08:37,350 --> 00:08:39,752
and he said, "and we're
staring inside this grass,"

211
00:08:39,852 --> 00:08:42,004
and he said,
"and there's a massive tiger!"

212
00:08:42,104 --> 00:08:44,340
"Came out and went 'Raaah'!"

213
00:08:44,440 --> 00:08:46,175
"Just shit myself."

214
00:08:46,275 --> 00:08:48,844
And they said, "Oh, mate,
that's alright. I understand.

215
00:08:48,944 --> 00:08:50,804
"If a tiger jumped out at me,
I would've shat myself."

216
00:08:50,904 --> 00:08:52,640
He said, "No,
not then in the Congo -

217
00:08:52,740 --> 00:08:54,183
"just then
when I went 'Raaah'."

218
00:08:54,283 --> 00:08:55,392
- I just..."
- (OTHERS LAUGH)

219
00:08:55,492 --> 00:08:57,578
"..shat myself."

220
00:08:57,995 --> 00:08:59,855
♪ Don't need to hurry

221
00:08:59,955 --> 00:09:02,566
♪ Or worry about tomorrow, baby

222
00:09:02,666 --> 00:09:04,860
♪ It's gonna be OK... ♪

223
00:09:04,960 --> 00:09:06,695
A guy goes into a hardware shop

224
00:09:06,795 --> 00:09:09,823
and he goes,
"A bottle of turps,"

225
00:09:09,923 --> 00:09:11,825
and the guy goes, "No. No, no.

226
00:09:11,925 --> 00:09:14,744
"You're a dero. You'll be
drinking that. I can see it."

227
00:09:14,844 --> 00:09:16,371
And he said, "No,
I'm...you know,

228
00:09:16,471 --> 00:09:18,081
"decorating the house,
you know?"

229
00:09:18,181 --> 00:09:19,457
He said, "No, no.
Look at your face.

230
00:09:19,557 --> 00:09:21,584
"You're all bloodshot.
You'll be drinking that."

231
00:09:21,684 --> 00:09:23,461
He said, "I'm telling you,
I'm decorating the house.

232
00:09:23,561 --> 00:09:25,171
"I'm stripping the door.
I need a bottle of turps.

233
00:09:25,271 --> 00:09:27,006
"Give me a bottle of turps,
alright?"

234
00:09:27,106 --> 00:09:28,591
Guy reaches round
to get a bottle of turps

235
00:09:28,691 --> 00:09:30,843
and he goes, "Oh, couldn't get
one from the fridge, could I?"

236
00:09:30,943 --> 00:09:32,094
(OTHERS LAUGH)

237
00:09:32,194 --> 00:09:34,847
♪ It's gonna be OK, OK... ♪

238
00:09:34,947 --> 00:09:36,890
So this guy goes to
the confessional, OK,

239
00:09:36,990 --> 00:09:38,434
and the priest says...

240
00:09:38,534 --> 00:09:40,144
- Are we gonna go him?
- Yeah, yeah.

241
00:09:40,244 --> 00:09:41,812
- (LAUGHS)
- The priest says... (LAUGHS)

242
00:09:41,912 --> 00:09:43,855
He says,
"Father, I have sinned."

243
00:09:43,955 --> 00:09:46,525
And the priest says,
"Oh, tell me your sins, son."

244
00:09:46,625 --> 00:09:48,985
Although he's 90 years old,
this guy.

245
00:09:49,085 --> 00:09:51,446
And he said, "Well, Father,
I have been...

246
00:09:51,546 --> 00:09:53,907
"I have sex with 19-year-old."

247
00:09:54,007 --> 00:09:55,033
Oh.

248
00:09:55,133 --> 00:09:56,910
And the priest said,
"Hell, that IS a sin."

249
00:09:57,010 --> 00:09:59,037
And he tells him
to say five Hail Marys.

250
00:09:59,137 --> 00:10:02,165
And before he left, he said,
"I don't recognise your voice.

251
00:10:02,265 --> 00:10:03,499
"Are you from this parish?"

252
00:10:03,599 --> 00:10:06,085
And the guy says, "No, Father.

253
00:10:06,185 --> 00:10:10,798
"I'm actually from...I'm
Jewish. I'm from synagogue."

254
00:10:10,898 --> 00:10:14,468
And he said, "Have you told
anyone else about this?"

255
00:10:14,568 --> 00:10:16,762
He said,
"I'm telling everybody."'

256
00:10:16,862 --> 00:10:19,640
(ALL LAUGH)

257
00:10:19,740 --> 00:10:22,184
That's nice. That's nice.

258
00:10:22,284 --> 00:10:26,330
♪ It's gonna be OK, OK
Yeah... ♪

259
00:10:28,457 --> 00:10:30,025
- A moth...
- Yeah?

260
00:10:30,125 --> 00:10:31,485
Alright?

261
00:10:31,585 --> 00:10:33,987
..walks into
a podiatrist's office.

262
00:10:34,087 --> 00:10:36,823
Alright?
This actually happened.

263
00:10:36,923 --> 00:10:40,201
This is a true story.
This is not a made-up one.

264
00:10:40,301 --> 00:10:41,578
Alright?

265
00:10:41,678 --> 00:10:43,413
A moth walks
into a podiatrist's office,

266
00:10:43,513 --> 00:10:47,250
and the podiatrist says,
"Yeah, come in and take a seat.

267
00:10:47,350 --> 00:10:49,627
"Uh...what seems to be
the problem?"

268
00:10:49,727 --> 00:10:52,964
And the moth says, "What's NOT
the problem, Doctor?

269
00:10:53,064 --> 00:10:55,966
"What is NOT the problem?

270
00:10:56,066 --> 00:10:58,177
"Every morning I wake up

271
00:10:58,277 --> 00:11:05,017
"next to a woman who
I have fallen out of love with.

272
00:11:05,117 --> 00:11:06,685
"I don't love her anymore.

273
00:11:06,785 --> 00:11:09,855
"I don't even
know her anymore, Doc."

274
00:11:09,955 --> 00:11:11,440
"Help me."

275
00:11:11,540 --> 00:11:16,278
"I've got my youngest,
who is just so...

276
00:11:16,378 --> 00:11:21,157
"I hate him so much, because
every time I look in his eyes,

277
00:11:21,257 --> 00:11:24,744
"I see the same cowardice
that I see

278
00:11:24,844 --> 00:11:26,412
"when I look in my own eyes."

279
00:11:26,512 --> 00:11:30,166
"I've lost my job.
I've lost my marriage.

280
00:11:30,266 --> 00:11:34,795
"I lost my child
in the winter."

281
00:11:34,895 --> 00:11:39,383
"It was a very cold time.
Moths don't handle cold well."

282
00:11:39,483 --> 00:11:41,552
What purpose does he have?

283
00:11:41,652 --> 00:11:44,154
"What purpose do I have, Doc?"

284
00:11:46,281 --> 00:11:48,367
Doctor looks at him and says...

285
00:11:48,909 --> 00:11:50,994
"Just...

286
00:11:51,620 --> 00:11:55,148
"You need help.
You need to see a psychiatrist.

287
00:11:55,248 --> 00:11:59,361
"But I've got to ask -
why did you come and see me?"

288
00:11:59,461 --> 00:12:02,864
And the moth says,
"The light was on."

289
00:12:02,964 --> 00:12:05,341
(OTHERS LAUGH)

290
00:12:07,468 --> 00:12:09,537
- The light was on.
- You bastard!

291
00:12:09,637 --> 00:12:11,247
- (LAUGHS)
- The light was on.

292
00:12:11,347 --> 00:12:14,016
- He's a moth.
- Yeah, we get it, we get it.

293
00:12:15,518 --> 00:12:17,170
I bought a thesaurus today.

294
00:12:17,270 --> 00:12:20,731
Not only was it terrible,
it was also terrible.

295
00:12:23,150 --> 00:12:25,052
I went for a job interview.

296
00:12:25,152 --> 00:12:27,680
The bloke said, "Describe
yourself in three words."

297
00:12:27,780 --> 00:12:30,265
I said,
"Not good with numbers."

298
00:12:30,365 --> 00:12:32,451
(LAUGHS)

299
00:12:33,202 --> 00:12:35,646
I can't stand Russian dolls.

300
00:12:35,746 --> 00:12:37,356
They're so full of themselves.

301
00:12:37,456 --> 00:12:39,483
(LAUGHS)

302
00:12:39,583 --> 00:12:42,444
I joined a club for people
with Tourette's syndrome.

303
00:12:42,544 --> 00:12:44,571
Took four hours
to get sworn in.

304
00:12:44,671 --> 00:12:46,072
(LAUGHS)

305
00:12:46,172 --> 00:12:50,243
♪ Here's to the people
that I'd like to thank

306
00:12:50,343 --> 00:12:54,163
♪ You drink to me
and I'll drink to you

307
00:12:54,263 --> 00:12:57,709
♪ Let's drink together
but before we do

308
00:12:57,809 --> 00:13:00,102
♪ If we die tonight

309
00:13:01,562 --> 00:13:03,898
♪ That'd be alright

310
00:13:05,649 --> 00:13:10,679
♪ 'Cause we had
one hell of a ride... ♪

311
00:13:10,779 --> 00:13:13,432
MICHALA: I've got an animal
one. I've got an animal one.

312
00:13:13,532 --> 00:13:16,894
We're in a theme of animals,
so... (LAUGHS)

313
00:13:16,994 --> 00:13:19,271
This penguin
decides to take himself

314
00:13:19,371 --> 00:13:21,231
for a drive to the seaside.

315
00:13:21,331 --> 00:13:24,401
And just as he approaches
the water, his car conks out.

316
00:13:24,501 --> 00:13:27,195
So, he knows there's
a mechanic's around the corner

317
00:13:27,295 --> 00:13:29,739
and he pushes his car to
the mechanic's and says,

318
00:13:29,839 --> 00:13:31,741
"Could you find out...
I don't know what's happened.

319
00:13:31,841 --> 00:13:33,535
"It's just conked out.
I don't know what's going on."

320
00:13:33,635 --> 00:13:34,828
The mechanic's like,
"I'm a bit busy.

321
00:13:34,928 --> 00:13:37,080
"If you can go for a walk
for half an hour, come back,

322
00:13:37,180 --> 00:13:39,874
"I'll have a look and let you
know what's going on."

323
00:13:39,974 --> 00:13:42,376
So the penguin takes
himself for a little waddle.

324
00:13:42,476 --> 00:13:45,504
Gets down by the water,
paddles about in the sun.

325
00:13:45,604 --> 00:13:47,590
Looks at his watch -
it's almost been half an hour.

326
00:13:47,690 --> 00:13:49,508
Makes his way
back to the mechanic's

327
00:13:49,608 --> 00:13:52,052
and gets himself a nice little
vanilla ice-cream on the walk.

328
00:13:52,152 --> 00:13:54,471
He's having a lovely time. This
is the whole point of the trip.

329
00:13:54,571 --> 00:13:55,806
And he gets back

330
00:13:55,906 --> 00:13:58,350
and the mechanic's
having a look under his bonnet,

331
00:13:58,450 --> 00:14:00,602
and the penguin rocks up
and says to him,

332
00:14:00,702 --> 00:14:04,606
"Oh, so what's wrong
with my car? What's going on?"

333
00:14:04,706 --> 00:14:07,359
And the mechanic pops his head
out from under the bonnet,

334
00:14:07,459 --> 00:14:10,487
looks at him and goes,
"Oh, you've blown a seal."

335
00:14:10,587 --> 00:14:13,740
And the penguin goes, "Oh, no,
no - just had an ice-cream."

336
00:14:13,840 --> 00:14:15,742
(OTHERS LAUGH)

337
00:14:15,842 --> 00:14:17,660
Haaaa!

338
00:14:17,760 --> 00:14:19,846
♪ Na, na, na, na, na

339
00:14:21,055 --> 00:14:24,559
♪ Na, na-na-na, na-na-na,
na-na-na, na

340
00:14:26,727 --> 00:14:30,673
♪ Na-na, na-na-na, na-na-na,
na-na, na-na. ♪

341
00:14:30,773 --> 00:14:32,717
Well, I've got a good one too.

342
00:14:32,817 --> 00:14:37,096
Well, there's a pub in Sydney
called the Harbour View,

343
00:14:37,196 --> 00:14:38,347
and it's a wharfies' pub,

344
00:14:38,447 --> 00:14:42,101
and there's a regular group
that hits there Friday nights.

345
00:14:42,201 --> 00:14:43,519
I used to too sometimes.

346
00:14:43,619 --> 00:14:45,896
Anyway, there's a guy -
Tommy was his name.

347
00:14:45,996 --> 00:14:48,815
He was a wharfie,
and he was a regular,

348
00:14:48,915 --> 00:14:51,026
and he just suddenly stopped
coming in, you know?

349
00:14:51,126 --> 00:14:52,569
Sort of talked about him
for a while,

350
00:14:52,669 --> 00:14:56,823
and about six months later,
he turns up in a Ferrari.

351
00:14:56,923 --> 00:14:58,992
A brand-spanking-new Ferrari.

352
00:14:59,092 --> 00:15:00,785
And strolls into the pub,

353
00:15:00,885 --> 00:15:02,787
done up like, you know,
a million dollars.

354
00:15:02,887 --> 00:15:05,290
Struttin' diamonds
and all sorts of things.

355
00:15:05,390 --> 00:15:08,960
So, I say, "What...what
the hell happened, Tommy?

356
00:15:09,060 --> 00:15:10,837
He said,
"You wouldn't believe this."

357
00:15:10,937 --> 00:15:12,630
He said,
"I bought one of them sheds,"

358
00:15:12,730 --> 00:15:14,882
he said, "that you buy
for...prefabricated."

359
00:15:14,982 --> 00:15:17,343
He said,
"You know, about 120 bucks."

360
00:15:17,443 --> 00:15:19,553
He said, "I put it up
in the backyard.

361
00:15:19,653 --> 00:15:22,264
"And I spend a bit of time
in it, in my tool shed,

362
00:15:22,364 --> 00:15:23,974
"so I put a window in it."

363
00:15:24,074 --> 00:15:26,435
He said, "I put this
vinyl stuff," he said,

364
00:15:26,535 --> 00:15:27,686
"It's like off a caravan."

365
00:15:27,786 --> 00:15:28,770
"But I put the window in it,"

366
00:15:28,870 --> 00:15:31,023
and he said, "My neighbour
next door looked over

367
00:15:31,123 --> 00:15:32,774
"and saw the shed and he said,
'That's a beauty,' he said.

368
00:15:32,874 --> 00:15:33,817
"'Where'd you get it?'

369
00:15:33,917 --> 00:15:36,111
"And I said, you know,
'I put it together myself.'"

370
00:15:36,211 --> 00:15:38,321
"And he said, 'I'd love
to have a shed like that.'

371
00:15:38,421 --> 00:15:40,740
"He said,
'How much do you want for it?'

372
00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:43,034
"And I...I didn't want
to sell it, you know?

373
00:15:43,134 --> 00:15:45,411
"120...Cost me about 150."

374
00:15:45,511 --> 00:15:48,247
"And he said, 'Oh, you know,
300 bucks.'

375
00:15:48,347 --> 00:15:49,832
"And he said, 'Sold.'"

376
00:15:49,932 --> 00:15:52,293
And he grabs the shed off him
for 300 bucks, you know?

377
00:15:52,393 --> 00:15:53,336
And thought, "Oh, good."

378
00:15:53,436 --> 00:15:55,588
"So I went and bought another
bigger, better shed

379
00:15:55,688 --> 00:15:57,965
"and I put two windows in it,
you know?

380
00:15:58,065 --> 00:15:59,467
"And I sort of...and the...

381
00:15:59,567 --> 00:16:02,094
"..the guy that lived at the
back looked over the fence

382
00:16:02,194 --> 00:16:04,305
"and said, 'Gee, that's terrific.
Where did you get that?"

383
00:16:04,405 --> 00:16:06,390
"And I said, 'Oh, I built it.
It's a prefab thing.'

384
00:16:06,490 --> 00:16:08,976
"He said,
'How much do you want for it?'

385
00:16:09,076 --> 00:16:11,478
"I said, 'You can't buy them,
you know? I made it.'

386
00:16:11,578 --> 00:16:13,480
"He said, 'I've wanted
something like that

387
00:16:13,580 --> 00:16:14,523
'all my life.'

388
00:16:14,623 --> 00:16:17,150
"He said, 'Oh...I'll
give you 500 for it.'

389
00:16:17,250 --> 00:16:20,528
"Sold. You know?
'Cause it cost me about 220.

390
00:16:20,628 --> 00:16:23,323
"And so I thought,
'I'm onto something here,'

391
00:16:23,423 --> 00:16:26,576
"so I buy the big...
the $420 one.

392
00:16:26,676 --> 00:16:28,578
"You know, I'm starting to put
a window in it," and he said,

393
00:16:28,678 --> 00:16:32,540
"then I get a call, and, um...
my favourite uncle died.

394
00:16:32,640 --> 00:16:34,125
"He left me nine million quid.

395
00:16:34,225 --> 00:16:35,626
"And I said,
'Oh, fuck the sheds.'"

396
00:16:35,726 --> 00:16:37,545
(OTHERS LAUGH)

397
00:16:37,645 --> 00:16:40,131
♪ And my baby
is waitin' for me... ♪

398
00:16:40,231 --> 00:16:44,844
(ALL CHAT AND LAUGH)

399
00:16:44,944 --> 00:16:46,554
Shit's dripping
out of me collar!

400
00:16:46,654 --> 00:16:48,739
(OTHERS LAUGH)

401
00:16:50,616 --> 00:16:54,244
(PLAYS COUNTRY ROCK MUSIC)

402
00:17:10,093 --> 00:17:13,079
♪ Harley and Rose were reunited

403
00:17:13,179 --> 00:17:15,873
♪ This time they said it was

404
00:17:15,973 --> 00:17:18,100
♪ It was for real

405
00:17:19,810 --> 00:17:23,047
♪ Take it all back
to where it started

406
00:17:23,147 --> 00:17:26,050
♪ He would melt her heart

407
00:17:26,150 --> 00:17:28,235
♪ Her heart of steel

408
00:17:29,820 --> 00:17:33,557
♪ Life is
a bitter disappointment

409
00:17:33,657 --> 00:17:37,853
♪ You would hear
young Harley say

410
00:17:37,953 --> 00:17:42,441
♪ If you find something
that's more important

411
00:17:42,541 --> 00:17:46,711
♪ I will not stand in your way

412
00:17:49,297 --> 00:17:50,824
♪ Static on a dial

413
00:17:50,924 --> 00:17:54,035
♪ A look comes back in style

414
00:17:54,135 --> 00:17:57,805
♪ Harley and Rose,
they just lost it for a while

415
00:18:00,349 --> 00:18:03,336
♪ Harley claimed
there was no lover

416
00:18:03,436 --> 00:18:04,921
♪ Nothing in bloom... ♪

417
00:18:05,021 --> 00:18:06,922
Alright, I've got...I've got
one for you, right?

418
00:18:07,022 --> 00:18:07,965
CHRISTIE: Hit us.

419
00:18:08,065 --> 00:18:11,635
OK. So there's...there's this
inflatable boy, right?

420
00:18:11,735 --> 00:18:14,430
And, uh...he leaves home
one day.

421
00:18:14,530 --> 00:18:17,641
Leaves his inflatable house,
his inflatable family,

422
00:18:17,741 --> 00:18:20,352
and he goes to
his inflatable school.

423
00:18:20,452 --> 00:18:21,478
And he's in class one day,

424
00:18:21,578 --> 00:18:23,480
and it's all
the inflatable students,

425
00:18:23,580 --> 00:18:25,665
and the inflatable teacher.

426
00:18:26,458 --> 00:18:27,734
But he's a bit of a ratbag,
this kid.

427
00:18:27,834 --> 00:18:29,027
He's a bit of a ratbag.

428
00:18:29,127 --> 00:18:31,488
And during lunchtime, he's
in the inflatable playground,

429
00:18:31,588 --> 00:18:33,114
and he sneaks off for a smoke.

430
00:18:33,214 --> 00:18:34,365
Right?

431
00:18:34,465 --> 00:18:37,076
And one of the inflatable
teachers catches him.

432
00:18:37,176 --> 00:18:39,412
Says, "Right! You're busted.
You can't smoke at school.

433
00:18:39,512 --> 00:18:40,663
"You're getting detention."

434
00:18:40,763 --> 00:18:43,416
And the inflatable boy
loses it.

435
00:18:43,516 --> 00:18:45,585
He's a loose cannon, this kid.
He loses it.

436
00:18:45,685 --> 00:18:48,337
Pulls a knife
out of his pocket, right?

437
00:18:48,437 --> 00:18:50,923
And he stabs
the bloody teacher.

438
00:18:51,023 --> 00:18:52,925
- No.
- The inflatable teacher,

439
00:18:53,025 --> 00:18:54,468
and the teacher
goes, pfff-pfft, like this.

440
00:18:54,568 --> 00:18:57,263
And then the headmaster
comes out to nab him,

441
00:18:57,363 --> 00:19:00,432
and goes more crazy
and he stabs the school.

442
00:19:00,532 --> 00:19:02,935
And the school goes
pfft-pfft like this.

443
00:19:03,035 --> 00:19:04,186
And he runs off home.

444
00:19:04,286 --> 00:19:05,938
And his parents go,
"What are you doing here?

445
00:19:06,038 --> 00:19:07,064
"You should be at school.

446
00:19:07,164 --> 00:19:08,940
"You've been misbehaving
your whole life.

447
00:19:09,040 --> 00:19:10,025
"This is a disgrace."

448
00:19:10,125 --> 00:19:11,943
And he stabs his mum
and stabs his dad,

449
00:19:12,043 --> 00:19:14,821
the inflatable mum and dad, and
they both pfft-pfft like that.

450
00:19:14,921 --> 00:19:17,365
And then the police
come to arrest him, right?

451
00:19:17,465 --> 00:19:19,159
And the police
are coming to arrest him.

452
00:19:19,259 --> 00:19:22,078
And then he stabs himself,
and he goes pfft-pfft,

453
00:19:22,178 --> 00:19:23,955
and the police grab him
and rush him to hospital.

454
00:19:24,055 --> 00:19:25,957
And he's laying
in his hospital bed,

455
00:19:26,057 --> 00:19:27,875
and they stitch him up
at the hospital

456
00:19:27,975 --> 00:19:31,254
and eventually he comes to, and
he goes, "Oh, what's happened?"

457
00:19:31,354 --> 00:19:34,190
And the police are there
and they go, "Son...

458
00:19:35,357 --> 00:19:38,093
"..you've let your school down,
you've let your parents down,

459
00:19:38,193 --> 00:19:39,762
"you've let yourself down... "

460
00:19:39,862 --> 00:19:41,764
(LAUGHTER)

461
00:19:41,864 --> 00:19:43,182
Rob can relate to that,

462
00:19:43,282 --> 00:19:45,434
because he's met a lot of
inflatable women in his life.

463
00:19:45,534 --> 00:19:47,394
- (LAUGHTER)
- And I let 'em all down.

464
00:19:47,494 --> 00:19:49,579
ED: Didn't you?

465
00:19:52,541 --> 00:19:54,860
- Here's one. Here's one.
- (LEHMO LAUGHS)

466
00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:56,111
(ROB SIGHS)

467
00:19:56,211 --> 00:19:58,613
Young woman,
and she's going to the doctor.

468
00:19:58,713 --> 00:20:00,073
It's time for her first
pap smear,

469
00:20:00,173 --> 00:20:01,825
and she's understandably
nervous.

470
00:20:01,925 --> 00:20:04,160
(LAUGHS) How would you know?

471
00:20:04,260 --> 00:20:06,913
Well, I'm just a sensitive guy
and I understand these things.

472
00:20:07,013 --> 00:20:09,332
Rob pretended to be
a doctor for years.

473
00:20:09,432 --> 00:20:10,792
(CHRISTIE LAUGHS)

474
00:20:10,892 --> 00:20:13,502
So there's this young woman
and she's off to the doctor's.

475
00:20:13,602 --> 00:20:15,087
It's her first pap smear.
She's very nervous.

476
00:20:15,187 --> 00:20:18,340
Um...
and so she's lying down the bed

477
00:20:18,440 --> 00:20:20,926
and she got her trousers down,
her pants down, her legs open.

478
00:20:21,026 --> 00:20:22,636
And for the doctor,
he's a professional

479
00:20:22,736 --> 00:20:24,346
and he can sense
that she's nervous.

480
00:20:24,446 --> 00:20:26,598
And he looks over
and very sensitively he says,

481
00:20:26,698 --> 00:20:27,850
"Would you like me
to numb it for you?"

482
00:20:27,950 --> 00:20:29,351
And she says, "Yes, please."

483
00:20:29,451 --> 00:20:31,311
So he goes, "Ah, num, num, num.

484
00:20:31,411 --> 00:20:33,747
- "Ah, num, num, num."
- (LAUGHS)

485
00:20:37,167 --> 00:20:40,278
- My doctor does that too.
- (LAUGHS)

486
00:20:40,378 --> 00:20:42,464
Is it Doctor...
Do you see Doctor Rob?

487
00:20:49,220 --> 00:20:52,056
♪ This is my time...

488
00:20:55,184 --> 00:20:57,878
Yeah! Yeah!

489
00:20:57,978 --> 00:21:00,381
♪ Whoa-oh

490
00:21:00,481 --> 00:21:02,942
♪ Whoa-oh-oh

491
00:21:04,151 --> 00:21:06,236
♪ Uh-huh

492
00:21:06,820 --> 00:21:09,431
♪ Whoa-oh-oh-oh

493
00:21:09,531 --> 00:21:11,141
♪ Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh

494
00:21:11,241 --> 00:21:12,476
One more time!

495
00:21:12,576 --> 00:21:13,685
You know, I could count

496
00:21:13,785 --> 00:21:16,747
the amount of times I've been
to Chernobyl on one hand.

497
00:21:17,998 --> 00:21:20,083
Seven.

498
00:21:23,461 --> 00:21:25,655
I asked my North Korean friend
how it was over there.

499
00:21:25,755 --> 00:21:29,008
- He said he couldn't complain.
- (CHUCKLES)

500
00:21:30,343 --> 00:21:32,428
You know that cyclist,
Lance Armstrong?

501
00:21:33,137 --> 00:21:34,747
Wasn't bad enough
he was taking drugs,

502
00:21:34,847 --> 00:21:36,249
but he was also pedalling.

503
00:21:36,349 --> 00:21:38,434
(LAUGHS)

504
00:21:39,226 --> 00:21:40,962
(SIGHS)

505
00:21:41,062 --> 00:21:45,174
The difference between
a hippo and a Zippo

506
00:21:45,274 --> 00:21:46,842
is that one's very heavy...

507
00:21:46,942 --> 00:21:48,677
..and the other one's
a little lighter.

508
00:21:48,777 --> 00:21:51,013
(LAUGHS)

509
00:21:51,113 --> 00:21:53,282
Speaking of Lance Armstrong...
Saw an interview with him.

510
00:21:54,616 --> 00:21:55,893
He was lying that much

511
00:21:55,993 --> 00:21:58,020
I'm starting to doubt if he
ever did land on the moon.

512
00:21:58,120 --> 00:22:00,897
(LAUGHS) Hmm.

513
00:22:00,997 --> 00:22:03,150
(CLEARS THROAT)

514
00:22:03,250 --> 00:22:05,335
(SIGHS)

515
00:22:06,252 --> 00:22:08,655
You have to hand it
to blind prostitutes.

516
00:22:08,755 --> 00:22:11,466
♪ You can't get enough
Too many mouths to feed

517
00:22:12,508 --> 00:22:13,618
♪ Ain't life tough

518
00:22:13,718 --> 00:22:15,803
♪ Call this survival

519
00:22:16,345 --> 00:22:18,681
♪ Don't pray for a sign... ♪

520
00:22:20,099 --> 00:22:22,293
Irish guy goes to
a job at a building site.

521
00:22:22,393 --> 00:22:23,836
The foreman says,
"I'll do an IQ test.

522
00:22:23,936 --> 00:22:26,297
"What's black and leather
and got five fingers?"

523
00:22:26,397 --> 00:22:29,467
He said, "Black leather, five
fingers... Ooh, I don't know."

524
00:22:29,567 --> 00:22:31,093
He says, "A glove, Paddy."

525
00:22:31,193 --> 00:22:33,487
He says, "Oh, of course.
Jeez, I'm stupid."

526
00:22:34,571 --> 00:22:36,515
"OK, what's black leather,
got 10 fingers?"

527
00:22:36,615 --> 00:22:38,559
He says,
"Black leather...10 fingers.

528
00:22:38,659 --> 00:22:40,852
"Black...
Ooh, I wouldn't have a clue."

529
00:22:40,952 --> 00:22:42,521
"Two gloves, Paddy. "

530
00:22:42,621 --> 00:22:44,147
He goes,
"For God's sake, of course.

531
00:22:44,247 --> 00:22:45,816
"I'm an idiot, total idiot."

532
00:22:45,916 --> 00:22:47,943
He says, " Come on,
let's try something else.

533
00:22:48,043 --> 00:22:50,070
"Who's the President of
the United States of America?"

534
00:22:50,170 --> 00:22:52,614
He goes, "President
of the United States...

535
00:22:52,714 --> 00:22:53,656
"President..."

536
00:22:53,756 --> 00:22:55,116
He says, "It wouldn't be
three gloves, Benny?"

537
00:22:55,216 --> 00:22:57,302
(LAUGHTER)

538
00:22:59,887 --> 00:23:03,624
There's these three people
who are in training to be CIA.

539
00:23:03,724 --> 00:23:04,667
Yeah?

540
00:23:04,767 --> 00:23:06,711
And they got to
their final test,

541
00:23:06,811 --> 00:23:10,172
to see who's gonna go through
and become CIA.

542
00:23:10,272 --> 00:23:11,715
First guy...

543
00:23:11,815 --> 00:23:15,511
The CIA say to him...they
give him a handgun and say,

544
00:23:15,611 --> 00:23:17,846
"We wanna see
how committed you are.

545
00:23:17,946 --> 00:23:20,908
"Want you to go into that room,
shoot your wife."

546
00:23:22,242 --> 00:23:24,686
And he..."Are you committed?"
"Yeah, I'm committed."

547
00:23:24,786 --> 00:23:27,064
He goes in,
there's no noise for a while...

548
00:23:27,164 --> 00:23:28,815
Then he comes back out

549
00:23:28,915 --> 00:23:31,026
and he has tears down his face,
you know?

550
00:23:31,126 --> 00:23:33,445
He goes,
"I can't kill her. I cannot.

551
00:23:33,545 --> 00:23:36,072
"I can't be in the CIA."

552
00:23:36,172 --> 00:23:39,133
You know? "Good." He goes.

553
00:23:40,134 --> 00:23:41,327
Next guy comes up.

554
00:23:41,427 --> 00:23:43,496
Say, "We need to check how
committed you are

555
00:23:43,596 --> 00:23:44,872
"about being in the CIA.

556
00:23:44,972 --> 00:23:48,000
"Want you to go in there.
Here's a handgun.

557
00:23:48,100 --> 00:23:50,186
"You're gonna shoot your son."

558
00:23:51,062 --> 00:23:53,214
Goes, "Yep, alright.
I'm committed."

559
00:23:53,314 --> 00:23:58,135
Goes in there, can hear a bit
of talking, bit of whimpering,

560
00:23:58,235 --> 00:24:01,055
and then he comes out,
"I can't. He's me son!

561
00:24:01,155 --> 00:24:03,432
"He's me life!
He's me fucking life.

562
00:24:03,532 --> 00:24:04,766
"Nothing's more important."

563
00:24:04,866 --> 00:24:06,685
"Yeah, alright, mate. OK."

564
00:24:06,785 --> 00:24:08,979
(LAUGHTER)

565
00:24:09,079 --> 00:24:10,480
Next one's a woman.

566
00:24:10,580 --> 00:24:13,316
They said, "We need to know how
committed you are to the CIA.

567
00:24:13,416 --> 00:24:14,484
"Here's a handgun.

568
00:24:14,584 --> 00:24:15,652
"You're gonna
go into that room -

569
00:24:15,752 --> 00:24:16,903
"you're gonna shoot
your husband.

570
00:24:17,003 --> 00:24:18,363
"You know, are you committed?"

571
00:24:18,463 --> 00:24:19,614
She's like, "I'm committed."

572
00:24:19,714 --> 00:24:21,866
She goes in, shut the door.

573
00:24:21,966 --> 00:24:26,037
Hear... (MIMICS RAPID GUNFIRE)

574
00:24:26,137 --> 00:24:28,539
And then a lot of bang! Bang!

575
00:24:28,639 --> 00:24:30,958
It's just bang, bang, noise...

576
00:24:31,058 --> 00:24:32,543
Until it's quiet.

577
00:24:32,643 --> 00:24:33,628
She comes in.

578
00:24:33,728 --> 00:24:36,172
She says, "I didn't know you
had fucking blanks in the gun.

579
00:24:36,272 --> 00:24:38,340
"I had to finish him off
with a chair!"

580
00:24:38,440 --> 00:24:40,526
(LAUGHTER)

581
00:24:42,778 --> 00:24:44,863
Yeah.

582
00:24:46,240 --> 00:24:48,325
♪ Seen them tumble it down

583
00:24:50,619 --> 00:24:54,147
♪ I've seen red rivers,
fire and steel

584
00:24:54,247 --> 00:24:57,751
♪ I feel the thunder
chained to the wheel

585
00:24:58,918 --> 00:25:01,946
♪ I heard the legend,
I watched skies... ♪

586
00:25:02,046 --> 00:25:03,364
This mate of mine,
he's a bit of a stoner.

587
00:25:03,464 --> 00:25:05,283
- Right.
- So I was with him in the car,

588
00:25:05,383 --> 00:25:06,951
and we got kind of pulled
over by the cops,

589
00:25:07,051 --> 00:25:08,911
and he'd done, like, 10 bongs
before we got in the car.

590
00:25:09,011 --> 00:25:11,456
He didn't think he was gonna
get drug tested, or whatever.

591
00:25:11,556 --> 00:25:13,541
So the cop kind of, you know,
looks in at him

592
00:25:13,641 --> 00:25:15,376
and he's like that, you know?

593
00:25:15,476 --> 00:25:18,129
And the cop says, "Have you
been taking any drugs?"

594
00:25:18,229 --> 00:25:19,505
He smiles.

595
00:25:19,605 --> 00:25:22,132
He knocks on the window again
and he goes,

596
00:25:22,232 --> 00:25:24,301
"How high are you?"

597
00:25:24,401 --> 00:25:26,887
And my mate goes,
"Ah, you fucked that up, mate.

598
00:25:26,987 --> 00:25:29,765
"You're supposed to say,
'Hi. How are you?'"

599
00:25:29,865 --> 00:25:31,950
(LAUGHTER)

600
00:25:34,578 --> 00:25:36,104
♪ Oh, man

601
00:25:36,204 --> 00:25:38,290
♪ Chained to the wheel

602
00:25:40,792 --> 00:25:42,877
♪ You know you'll find me, baby

603
00:25:43,878 --> 00:25:47,282
♪ Ow! ♪

604
00:25:47,382 --> 00:25:50,218
(INSTRUMENTAL BREAK)

605
00:26:04,148 --> 00:26:06,258
This guy's soon to be married.

606
00:26:06,358 --> 00:26:09,845
Dearly loves
his partner...fiancee.

607
00:26:09,945 --> 00:26:11,346
Wants to do nothing wrong
by her.

608
00:26:11,446 --> 00:26:13,932
Lived a very decent life,
as has she.

609
00:26:14,032 --> 00:26:15,767
But his mates wanna throw
a bucks' night.

610
00:26:15,867 --> 00:26:18,103
So they throw a bucks' night,
and they get this girl...

611
00:26:18,203 --> 00:26:19,855
They've paid her
the top dollar.

612
00:26:19,955 --> 00:26:21,857
They booked the platinum
package. He's unaware of it.

613
00:26:21,957 --> 00:26:24,067
Anyway,
he's never been with a woman.

614
00:26:24,167 --> 00:26:26,653
The night happens, they bring
her out, they strip him naked.

615
00:26:26,753 --> 00:26:28,530
She's doing a dance.
Everyone's having a great time.

616
00:26:28,630 --> 00:26:30,740
She's up on the table.
He's getting excited.

617
00:26:30,840 --> 00:26:31,783
He doesn't know what to do.

618
00:26:31,883 --> 00:26:32,992
And she gets up on the table,

619
00:26:33,092 --> 00:26:35,078
and all his friends pick up the
table, they're having a ball.

620
00:26:35,178 --> 00:26:37,413
But they lose grip of the table.
Leg snaps, it goes off sideways.

621
00:26:37,513 --> 00:26:40,374
She comes off and breaks the
erectile tissue in his penis.

622
00:26:40,474 --> 00:26:41,667
- Ah!
- GENEVIEVE: Ooh...

623
00:26:41,767 --> 00:26:42,877
SHANE: Bad night out for Trev.

624
00:26:42,977 --> 00:26:45,421
So...next morning,
the day of the wedding,

625
00:26:45,521 --> 00:26:47,256
he goes to the doctor
and says "I've...

626
00:26:47,356 --> 00:26:49,216
"I don't know what to do.
It's got a bend in it.

627
00:26:49,316 --> 00:26:51,385
"I didn't even know
if it has a bone."

628
00:26:51,485 --> 00:26:53,429
He goes, "It doesn't have
a bone. It's erectile tissue."

629
00:26:53,529 --> 00:26:55,472
He goes, "It's crooked.
What can you do?

630
00:26:55,572 --> 00:26:58,517
"I can't have my wife see this.
I didn't want this.

631
00:26:58,617 --> 00:26:59,643
"They made me drink... "

632
00:26:59,743 --> 00:27:01,728
He said, "Look, all I can do...
There's nothing else I can do,

633
00:27:01,828 --> 00:27:02,979
but we've gotta
get on to this -

634
00:27:03,079 --> 00:27:04,189
"otherwise it will be
at right angles

635
00:27:04,289 --> 00:27:05,232
"for the rest of your life."

636
00:27:05,332 --> 00:27:06,900
He said, "Unless you wanna have
sex around corners,

637
00:27:07,000 --> 00:27:08,360
"or you lay on the floor
and she stays on the bed

638
00:27:08,460 --> 00:27:09,402
"and around it goes."

639
00:27:09,502 --> 00:27:10,612
He said,
"We're gonna have to...

640
00:27:10,712 --> 00:27:12,238
"All I can do is traditional -
put it in a splint."

641
00:27:12,338 --> 00:27:14,199
So they get a few bits of wood,

642
00:27:14,299 --> 00:27:16,075
he puts it either side
and he straps it up.

643
00:27:16,175 --> 00:27:17,118
He said, "That's all I can do,

644
00:27:17,218 --> 00:27:19,787
"and it's gonna have to stay
like that for about 48 hours."

645
00:27:19,887 --> 00:27:21,205
He doesn't know what to do.

646
00:27:21,305 --> 00:27:22,874
So the wedding happens -
it's great.

647
00:27:22,974 --> 00:27:24,458
The reception, fantastic.

648
00:27:24,558 --> 00:27:25,918
Back they go to the room.

649
00:27:26,018 --> 00:27:28,212
It's time for the...what
happens, you know. First night.

650
00:27:28,312 --> 00:27:30,422
Finish the marriage off
properly.

651
00:27:30,522 --> 00:27:32,091
She goes in.
She's in there getting ready.

652
00:27:32,191 --> 00:27:34,051
And he's thinking, "What am I
gonna do? What I gonna do?"

653
00:27:34,151 --> 00:27:35,636
He's down to his underpants,

654
00:27:35,736 --> 00:27:36,845
but he's got the two splints

655
00:27:36,945 --> 00:27:38,055
and the bit of bandaging
around it.

656
00:27:38,155 --> 00:27:40,307
And she comes out with a robe,
walks out,

657
00:27:40,407 --> 00:27:41,558
and she looks beautiful.

658
00:27:41,658 --> 00:27:43,435
Takes the robe off
and drops it and says,

659
00:27:43,535 --> 00:27:45,937
"Darling, as you know, I've
been with you for 10 years,

660
00:27:46,037 --> 00:27:48,315
"and I've saved myself for you,
and you alone.

661
00:27:48,415 --> 00:27:51,901
"No-one ever has been near
my private... It's for you."

662
00:27:52,001 --> 00:27:53,403
He thinks, "Here's my chance."

663
00:27:53,503 --> 00:27:55,905
He goes,
"You reckon that's good?" Bang!

664
00:27:56,005 --> 00:27:58,283
"This isn't even out of the
crate yet!"

665
00:27:58,383 --> 00:28:00,760
(LAUGHTER)

666
00:28:03,262 --> 00:28:05,348
The old broken wang story.

667
00:28:06,390 --> 00:28:07,959
JOE:
♪ All I really need to know

668
00:28:08,059 --> 00:28:09,669
♪ Is you and me are good to go

669
00:28:09,769 --> 00:28:11,629
♪ Riding down a summer road

670
00:28:11,729 --> 00:28:13,881
♪ Oh-oh-oh... ♪

671
00:28:13,981 --> 00:28:16,008
This guy's up north,
and he walking past.

672
00:28:16,108 --> 00:28:17,760
- He's in Darwin, right.
- KHALED: Yep, yep, yep.

673
00:28:17,860 --> 00:28:19,595
He's walking past, and
he sees this sign, and it says,

674
00:28:19,695 --> 00:28:21,638
"Convention" -
"Ghost Convention".

675
00:28:21,738 --> 00:28:23,307
So he says,
"Oh, ghost convention?"

676
00:28:23,407 --> 00:28:24,558
So he's gone in
to check it out.

677
00:28:24,658 --> 00:28:26,143
There's a guy up on stage,
all serious.

678
00:28:26,243 --> 00:28:27,185
He goes, "Right!

679
00:28:27,285 --> 00:28:28,979
"Anyone out there that's ever
seen a ghost in their life,

680
00:28:29,079 --> 00:28:30,021
"put up your hand!"

681
00:28:30,121 --> 00:28:32,190
About 800 people put up their
hand, going, "Yeah, we have."

682
00:28:32,290 --> 00:28:34,709
"Be quiet.
We got a lot to get through."

683
00:28:35,752 --> 00:28:37,695
"Anyone out there that's
never seen a ghost, say no."

684
00:28:37,795 --> 00:28:39,447
About 500 people
put up their hand.

685
00:28:39,547 --> 00:28:40,907
They're all going like this.

686
00:28:41,007 --> 00:28:42,784
He says, "Be quiet -
we got a lot to get through."

687
00:28:42,884 --> 00:28:44,619
"Anyone ever seen
a naked ghost?"

688
00:28:44,719 --> 00:28:46,704
About 200 of them
probably put up their hand.

689
00:28:46,804 --> 00:28:48,414
Going, "Oh, yeah, we have."

690
00:28:48,514 --> 00:28:50,541
He said, "Be quiet -
we got a lot to get through."

691
00:28:50,641 --> 00:28:52,543
"Anyone ever had sex
with a ghost?"

692
00:28:52,643 --> 00:28:54,045
Place goes dead quiet.

693
00:28:54,145 --> 00:28:55,963
All of a sudden, one bloke up
the back puts up his hand

694
00:28:56,063 --> 00:28:57,214
and says, "Yeah, I have."

695
00:28:57,314 --> 00:28:59,008
He says, "What's your name?"
He says, "Barry."

696
00:28:59,108 --> 00:29:00,676
He says,
"Barry, come up on the stage.

697
00:29:00,776 --> 00:29:02,511
"Now, tell me,
and tell the crowd -

698
00:29:02,611 --> 00:29:04,304
"what's it like
to have sex with a ghost?"

699
00:29:04,404 --> 00:29:06,598
He said, "Ghost?
I thought you said 'goat'."

700
00:29:06,698 --> 00:29:10,243
(LAUGHTER)

701
00:29:13,997 --> 00:29:16,441
The head of the Japanese
air force comes out

702
00:29:16,541 --> 00:29:19,402
and addresses
all of the Japanese pilots

703
00:29:19,502 --> 00:29:22,280
towards the end of the
Second World War, and he says,

704
00:29:22,380 --> 00:29:25,842
"Men...you must go now
to your Zero aeroplanes...

705
00:29:27,051 --> 00:29:28,453
"..and you must
get in the planes,

706
00:29:28,553 --> 00:29:30,788
"which have been loaded
with TNT.

707
00:29:30,888 --> 00:29:33,457
"You must fly out,
over the Pacific,

708
00:29:33,557 --> 00:29:37,420
"and smash your aeroplanes
into the American fleet,

709
00:29:37,520 --> 00:29:40,506
"sinking the ships
and saving Japan.

710
00:29:40,606 --> 00:29:43,717
"You will be known as...
the kamikaze.

711
00:29:43,817 --> 00:29:47,012
"Now, before you go...
are there any questions?"

712
00:29:47,112 --> 00:29:49,515
And one little pilot
at the back shouts...

713
00:29:49,615 --> 00:29:53,101
"Are there
any fucking questions?!"

714
00:29:53,201 --> 00:29:56,496
(LAUGHTER)

715
00:29:58,456 --> 00:30:01,067
So there's a blonde standing
on one side of the river,

716
00:30:01,167 --> 00:30:02,569
and another blonde

717
00:30:02,669 --> 00:30:04,571
standing way over
the other side of the river.

718
00:30:04,671 --> 00:30:06,197
And the first blonde
shouts out,

719
00:30:06,297 --> 00:30:09,617
"Hey! How do I get
to the other side?"

720
00:30:09,717 --> 00:30:12,136
And the other blonde shouts
back...

721
00:30:13,179 --> 00:30:14,956
.."You are on the other side!"

722
00:30:15,056 --> 00:30:17,683
- (LAUGHTER)
- That's nice.

723
00:30:28,694 --> 00:30:32,072
(BAND WARMS UP)

724
00:30:34,533 --> 00:30:37,661
(UPBEAT ROCK WITH SYNTHS)

725
00:30:56,846 --> 00:31:00,875
♪ I spent the summer
with my North Coast girlfriend

726
00:31:00,975 --> 00:31:04,670
♪ The aftermath
of a psychotic reaction

727
00:31:04,770 --> 00:31:08,883
♪ I split the city
and my soul called good friends

728
00:31:08,983 --> 00:31:12,886
♪ I've been afflicted
by a coastal attraction

729
00:31:12,986 --> 00:31:16,974
♪ We stopped in craft markets
looking for potions

730
00:31:17,074 --> 00:31:21,019
♪ We take our leather jackets
down to the ocean

731
00:31:21,119 --> 00:31:25,649
♪ 'Cause things are sweeter
with a side of emotions

732
00:31:25,749 --> 00:31:29,402
♪ A million backpackers
slapping on the lotion

733
00:31:29,502 --> 00:31:34,073
- ♪ Everything's amazing
- ♪ Everything's amazing

734
00:31:34,173 --> 00:31:35,950
♪ Oh, everything's incredible

735
00:31:36,050 --> 00:31:38,536
♪ Everything's incredible... ♪

736
00:31:38,636 --> 00:31:40,788
There was these four nuns,
right?

737
00:31:40,888 --> 00:31:43,332
And they're driving a car,
and they crash and they die,

738
00:31:43,432 --> 00:31:44,375
and they get up to Heaven,

739
00:31:44,475 --> 00:31:45,876
they start walking through
Heaven's gate.

740
00:31:45,976 --> 00:31:46,919
And St Peter's there going,

741
00:31:47,019 --> 00:31:48,754
"Oh, hey...what are you doing?
What are you doing?"

742
00:31:48,854 --> 00:31:50,297
They go, "We're nuns.
We're members."

743
00:31:50,397 --> 00:31:51,840
And St Peter's going,
"No, no, no, no.

744
00:31:51,940 --> 00:31:53,342
"You have to answer
a question first."

745
00:31:53,442 --> 00:31:55,260
So the first nun comes up -
St Peter goes,

746
00:31:55,360 --> 00:31:56,637
"Have you ever touched
a man's penis?

747
00:31:56,737 --> 00:31:58,972
And the first nun goes,
"Nah, nah. Never, never."

748
00:31:59,072 --> 00:32:00,599
And St Peter goes,
"Look, you can't lie to me.

749
00:32:00,699 --> 00:32:01,934
"I know everything.

750
00:32:02,034 --> 00:32:04,603
And the first nun goes,
"Well...with this finger once."

751
00:32:04,703 --> 00:32:07,856
"I sort of gave one a bit of
a prod...once, right?"

752
00:32:07,956 --> 00:32:10,025
St Peter's, "Oh, fuck!

753
00:32:10,125 --> 00:32:12,736
"Tell you what -
wash it in holy water.

754
00:32:12,836 --> 00:32:14,612
"You can come through."

755
00:32:14,712 --> 00:32:15,780
The second nun comes up.

756
00:32:15,880 --> 00:32:17,740
St Peter goes, "Have you
ever touched a man's penis?"

757
00:32:17,840 --> 00:32:20,535
And the second nun goes,
"Well, with this hand once.

758
00:32:20,635 --> 00:32:22,745
"I sort of gave one a bit of
a... (WHISTLES) ..you know?"

759
00:32:22,845 --> 00:32:24,080
(LAUGHTER)

760
00:32:24,180 --> 00:32:25,623
St Peter goes, "Fuck!

761
00:32:25,723 --> 00:32:27,959
"Tell you what -
wash it in holy water,

762
00:32:28,059 --> 00:32:29,168
"and you can come through."

763
00:32:29,268 --> 00:32:31,087
And the fourth nun
jumps the queue,

764
00:32:31,187 --> 00:32:32,755
pushes the third nun
out of the way,

765
00:32:32,855 --> 00:32:35,090
and St Peter's going, "What are
you doing? What are doing?"

766
00:32:35,190 --> 00:32:36,842
And the fourth nun goes,
"Listen, mate -

767
00:32:36,942 --> 00:32:38,302
"if you think I'm gonna
wash my mouth in that

768
00:32:38,402 --> 00:32:39,928
"after she's
washed her arse in it,

769
00:32:40,028 --> 00:32:41,430
"you got another thing coming."

770
00:32:41,530 --> 00:32:43,223
(LAUGHTER)

771
00:32:43,323 --> 00:32:45,892
♪ Everything's incredible... ♪

772
00:32:45,992 --> 00:32:48,078
St Peter says fuck.

773
00:32:49,329 --> 00:32:51,106
♪ The pleasure's indescribable

774
00:32:51,206 --> 00:32:54,359
♪ I'm pinning my survival
on you... ♪

775
00:32:54,459 --> 00:32:57,962
(INSTRUMENTAL BREAK)

776
00:33:00,632 --> 00:33:03,159
So a guy...he finds himself...

777
00:33:03,259 --> 00:33:04,369
He's been sailing.

778
00:33:04,469 --> 00:33:07,288
..washed up
on a deserted island.

779
00:33:07,388 --> 00:33:09,749
And he gets captured
by a tribe.

780
00:33:09,849 --> 00:33:14,253
And the chief is there.
He's not happy.

781
00:33:14,353 --> 00:33:16,005
And he says to his captive,

782
00:33:16,105 --> 00:33:18,924
(GRAVELLY VOICE)
"You have...two choices!

783
00:33:19,024 --> 00:33:20,134
"One..."

784
00:33:20,234 --> 00:33:21,719
(NORMAL VOICE)
This is a good accent too.

785
00:33:21,819 --> 00:33:23,095
I was gonna say.
Yeah, so far.

786
00:33:23,195 --> 00:33:25,681
(GRAVELLY VOICE)
"One...is death.

787
00:33:25,781 --> 00:33:28,100
"Or two...is bunga-bunga!"

788
00:33:28,200 --> 00:33:29,643
(LAUGHS)

789
00:33:29,743 --> 00:33:32,270
(NORMAL VOICE)
He's like, "Whoa. Death?

790
00:33:32,370 --> 00:33:33,939
"I certainly don't want death.

791
00:33:34,039 --> 00:33:36,107
"Well, what's bunga-bunga?"

792
00:33:36,207 --> 00:33:38,360
(GRAVELLY VOICE)
He said, "Oh, bunga-bunga...

793
00:33:38,460 --> 00:33:44,115
"..is when we all...ALL...all
of us fuck you up the arse."

794
00:33:44,215 --> 00:33:45,491
(LAUGHS)

795
00:33:45,591 --> 00:33:48,995
He's like, "Oh.
Well, the other one's death.

796
00:33:49,095 --> 00:33:51,180
"I guess I'll go with
bunga-bunga."

797
00:33:52,056 --> 00:33:54,500
And so the chief addresses
his tribe

798
00:33:54,600 --> 00:33:56,043
and he says, "OK!

799
00:33:56,143 --> 00:33:57,837
"It is death by bunga-bunga!"

800
00:33:57,937 --> 00:33:59,547
(LAUGHTER)

801
00:33:59,647 --> 00:34:02,383
♪ ..good times and
your betrayals, and for what?

802
00:34:02,483 --> 00:34:05,694
♪ We'll never stop the rot
We'll never stop the rot

803
00:34:07,237 --> 00:34:09,097
♪ Hey

804
00:34:09,197 --> 00:34:11,783
♪ We went to
northern New South Wales

805
00:34:12,784 --> 00:34:14,561
♪ We booked a cabin,
saw the whales

806
00:34:14,661 --> 00:34:15,854
♪ Thanks a lot

807
00:34:15,954 --> 00:34:17,105
♪ We'll never stop the rot

808
00:34:17,205 --> 00:34:18,940
♪ Can't tell you what we got

809
00:34:19,040 --> 00:34:21,126
♪ My confidence is shot... ♪

810
00:34:21,960 --> 00:34:24,946
This guy and his wife,
they've got a pet skunk, right?

811
00:34:25,046 --> 00:34:27,323
And, like, every day
they walk this skunk.

812
00:34:27,423 --> 00:34:28,992
They love the skunk, right?

813
00:34:29,092 --> 00:34:31,119
But they decide one day...

814
00:34:31,219 --> 00:34:32,370
They're walking the skunk,

815
00:34:32,470 --> 00:34:35,164
and they want to go to
this pub for a drink.

816
00:34:35,264 --> 00:34:38,459
But there's this big sign up -
'no pets allowed'.

817
00:34:38,559 --> 00:34:40,544
So the guy says to his wife,

818
00:34:40,644 --> 00:34:43,088
"Just put it down your pants.
No-one will know."

819
00:34:43,188 --> 00:34:45,507
And she turns to her husband
and says,

820
00:34:45,607 --> 00:34:47,760
"But what about the smell?"

821
00:34:47,860 --> 00:34:50,012
And he says, "Look,
if it dies, it fucking dies."

822
00:34:50,112 --> 00:34:53,724
(LAUGHTER)

823
00:34:53,824 --> 00:34:56,268
♪ I try so hard
to pin you down...

824
00:34:56,368 --> 00:34:57,519
(LAUGHTER)

825
00:34:57,619 --> 00:34:58,812
♪ We'll never stop the rot. ♪

826
00:34:58,912 --> 00:35:02,107
(ALL CONTINUE LAUGHING)

827
00:35:02,207 --> 00:35:04,818
- Uh...you enjoy a good joke?
- Yeah.

828
00:35:04,918 --> 00:35:06,319
Yeah, I got one for you.

829
00:35:06,419 --> 00:35:07,987
Just one I've had
for a while now.

830
00:35:08,087 --> 00:35:09,781
This rather slow-thinking fella

831
00:35:09,881 --> 00:35:11,783
hadn't been to the toilet
for a week,

832
00:35:11,883 --> 00:35:14,243
and, uh...he goes to see
the local doctor,

833
00:35:14,343 --> 00:35:16,454
and tells the doctor,
and the doctor says,

834
00:35:16,554 --> 00:35:18,122
"Look, I'll prescribe
these capsules.

835
00:35:18,222 --> 00:35:19,707
"I want you to go home

836
00:35:19,807 --> 00:35:21,500
"and put one in your back
passage each day,

837
00:35:21,600 --> 00:35:22,918
"and come and see me
in a week's time."

838
00:35:23,018 --> 00:35:23,961
OK.

839
00:35:24,061 --> 00:35:25,421
Bloke goes back
in a week's time.

840
00:35:25,521 --> 00:35:27,965
He's all swollen up in the face
and bloated in the stomach,

841
00:35:28,065 --> 00:35:29,341
and the doctor said,
"How'd you go?"

842
00:35:29,441 --> 00:35:31,009
He said...he said, "No good."

843
00:35:31,109 --> 00:35:33,345
He said, "I haven't had a shit
for another week."

844
00:35:33,445 --> 00:35:34,513
The doctor says,
"That's strange."

845
00:35:34,613 --> 00:35:37,391
He said, "Did you put those
capsules in your back passage?"

846
00:35:37,491 --> 00:35:39,059
- Mm-hm.
- He says, "Yeah.

847
00:35:39,159 --> 00:35:41,728
"I put 'em in the back passage,
the front passage,

848
00:35:41,828 --> 00:35:42,979
"the lounge room..."

849
00:35:43,079 --> 00:35:44,522
He said,
"I even put one on the veranda,

850
00:35:44,622 --> 00:35:45,857
"and for all the good
they've done me,

851
00:35:45,957 --> 00:35:47,317
"I may as well have
shoved 'em up me arse!"

852
00:35:47,417 --> 00:35:48,610
(LAUGHS)

853
00:35:48,710 --> 00:35:51,838
(INSTRUMENTAL BREAK)

854
00:35:58,594 --> 00:36:00,121
- OK.
- OK.

855
00:36:00,221 --> 00:36:04,583
Young lady goes into a pet
shop. Another pet shop.

856
00:36:04,683 --> 00:36:07,044
She goes in and the pet shop
owner comes up and goes,

857
00:36:07,144 --> 00:36:08,170
"Are you OK?"

858
00:36:08,270 --> 00:36:10,464
She goes, "Oh, I'm kind
of a bit lonely and I want...

859
00:36:10,564 --> 00:36:12,675
"I'm looking for a dog,
little puppies, kinda cute.

860
00:36:12,775 --> 00:36:14,009
"Looking for kittens.
I'm not sure."

861
00:36:14,109 --> 00:36:15,636
And he goes, "I've got just
the thing for you

862
00:36:15,736 --> 00:36:16,720
"if you are, in fact, lonely."

863
00:36:16,820 --> 00:36:18,680
And he brings out
this little frog.

864
00:36:18,780 --> 00:36:20,140
She goes, "Oh. Frog.
I'm not sure..."

865
00:36:20,240 --> 00:36:22,325
And he goes,
"No, no, I'll just tell you.

866
00:36:22,951 --> 00:36:26,479
"This frog gives the best
oral sex in the world."

867
00:36:26,579 --> 00:36:28,898
And she goes, "Oh. Does it?"

868
00:36:28,998 --> 00:36:30,900
And he goes, "But of course if
you want to get the puppy dog,

869
00:36:31,000 --> 00:36:32,068
"if you want to get
a kitten..."

870
00:36:32,168 --> 00:36:34,195
"No, no, no, I might take
the frog. Thank you very much."

871
00:36:34,295 --> 00:36:35,864
So she purchases the frog,
she takes it home,

872
00:36:35,964 --> 00:36:38,199
she strips off, she gets
on the bed, straight into it.

873
00:36:38,299 --> 00:36:41,536
And puts the frog down, front
and centre, between the legs,

874
00:36:41,636 --> 00:36:43,120
and waits.

875
00:36:43,220 --> 00:36:44,872
Nothing happens.

876
00:36:44,972 --> 00:36:46,791
She waits and waits.
Still nothing happens.

877
00:36:46,891 --> 00:36:48,376
She gets on the phone,
she rings up the pet shop,

878
00:36:48,476 --> 00:36:49,960
she goes, "Ah, I got the frog.
I did all the thing.

879
00:36:50,060 --> 00:36:51,462
"I got it ready.
And it's not doing a thing."

880
00:36:51,562 --> 00:36:52,838
The pet shop says,
"Where do you live?

881
00:36:52,938 --> 00:36:54,089
"I'll come straight over."

882
00:36:54,189 --> 00:36:55,758
He's there within 10 minutes.

883
00:36:55,858 --> 00:36:57,092
"Alright,"
and he comes in and he goes,

884
00:36:57,192 --> 00:36:58,886
"OK. Show me exactly
what you tried to do."

885
00:36:58,986 --> 00:37:01,805
So the woman strips naked, down
on the bed, spreads the legs,

886
00:37:01,905 --> 00:37:04,016
puts the frog down between
the legs, and goes, "See?

887
00:37:04,116 --> 00:37:06,101
"Absolutely nothing is
happening."

888
00:37:06,201 --> 00:37:08,812
Pet shop owner goes over, leans
into the frog and goes, "OK!

889
00:37:08,912 --> 00:37:11,439
"I'll show you this
one more time."

890
00:37:11,539 --> 00:37:13,625
(LAUGHTER)

891
00:37:15,710 --> 00:37:18,988
Ah, there's a guy,
he brings his dog in

892
00:37:19,088 --> 00:37:22,825
and he says to the barman,
he says,

893
00:37:22,925 --> 00:37:25,578
"I'll bet you that my dog
can talk

894
00:37:25,678 --> 00:37:28,039
"but you have to shout me
the night.

895
00:37:28,139 --> 00:37:29,790
"I get to drink for free
all night

896
00:37:29,890 --> 00:37:31,334
"if I can prove
my dog can talk."

897
00:37:31,434 --> 00:37:32,501
Says, "Right."

898
00:37:32,601 --> 00:37:33,752
Says to the dog, he says,

899
00:37:33,852 --> 00:37:40,384
"Who won the 1927 World Series
for the Mets with...

900
00:37:40,484 --> 00:37:42,511
"Who was the greatest baseball
player of all time?"

901
00:37:42,611 --> 00:37:46,223
He says, "Rowf!" "Yes! Babe
Ruth! Babe Ruth! See? See?"

902
00:37:46,323 --> 00:37:47,516
And the barman goes,

903
00:37:47,616 --> 00:37:49,810
"No, no, no. You've got to do
better than that."

904
00:37:49,910 --> 00:37:53,521
And he says to the dog, he
says, "Hey, dog. What's that?

905
00:37:53,621 --> 00:37:55,565
"What's that above us
right there?"

906
00:37:55,665 --> 00:37:57,525
And the dog goes, "Rowf!"

907
00:37:57,625 --> 00:38:01,029
And then the barman goes,
"No, this is bullshit.

908
00:38:01,129 --> 00:38:02,363
"You're trying...
This is a scam."

909
00:38:02,463 --> 00:38:04,741
Throws them both out
on the street.

910
00:38:04,841 --> 00:38:07,702
And the dog turns to the owner
and says,

911
00:38:07,802 --> 00:38:10,454
"Jeez, he was a bit nasty."

912
00:38:10,554 --> 00:38:12,640
(LAUGHTER)

913
00:38:21,899 --> 00:38:24,718
So a sexy woman comes
out of the bathroom in a bar

914
00:38:24,818 --> 00:38:27,596
and she walks up the bar and
she says to the bartender...

915
00:38:27,696 --> 00:38:29,890
(SEDUCTIVELY)
.."Can I speak to the manager?"

916
00:38:29,990 --> 00:38:31,141
In a really sexy voice.

917
00:38:31,241 --> 00:38:33,810
And he's like,
"Manager's not here tonight."

918
00:38:33,910 --> 00:38:37,314
And she goes, "Can you give him
a message for me?"

919
00:38:37,414 --> 00:38:39,316
He goes, "OK."
He's thinking, "Alright.

920
00:38:39,416 --> 00:38:40,942
"What's she got to say?"

921
00:38:41,042 --> 00:38:43,653
She grabs him by the scruff
and pulls him closer

922
00:38:43,753 --> 00:38:45,822
and she says,
"Can you tell him,"

923
00:38:45,922 --> 00:38:48,908
as she runs her hands
around his face

924
00:38:49,008 --> 00:38:52,036
and she gently brushes his lips
and his tongue...

925
00:38:52,136 --> 00:38:55,831
She just catches his tongue
with her finger.

926
00:38:55,931 --> 00:38:57,666
"Can you tell him

927
00:38:57,766 --> 00:39:00,294
"that there's no toilet paper,
soap or hand towel

928
00:39:00,394 --> 00:39:01,587
"in the bathroom?"

929
00:39:01,687 --> 00:39:03,814
(LAUGHTER)

930
00:39:05,190 --> 00:39:06,550
- Sorry, Johnny.

931
00:39:06,650 --> 00:39:08,343
- No, I was very happy...
Happy to be part of that act.

932
00:39:08,443 --> 00:39:09,636
- Well played, John.
- Yes, thank you.

933
00:39:09,736 --> 00:39:11,822
Good bar manager.
Good bar manager.

934
00:39:12,614 --> 00:39:16,810
Saw a sign,
"Welcome to Autopsy Club.

935
00:39:16,910 --> 00:39:19,312
"It's Wednesday night,
which is Open Mike night."

936
00:39:19,412 --> 00:39:23,024
(LAUGHS)

937
00:39:23,124 --> 00:39:25,210
(SIGHS)

938
00:39:26,211 --> 00:39:27,570
(SIGHS)

939
00:39:27,670 --> 00:39:29,572
I just finished reading
this book on anti-gravity.

940
00:39:29,672 --> 00:39:31,758
I couldn't put it down.

941
00:39:33,259 --> 00:39:35,828
I got in a water fight with the
local kids outside my house.

942
00:39:35,928 --> 00:39:37,038
I won.

943
00:39:37,138 --> 00:39:39,623
Completely misunderestimated me
and my kettle.

944
00:39:39,723 --> 00:39:41,892
(LAUGHS)

945
00:39:45,646 --> 00:39:49,608
(GUITAR PLAYS)

946
00:39:52,945 --> 00:39:57,224
♪ From outer mountains
strawberry city

947
00:39:57,324 --> 00:39:59,851
♪ They were outrageously
unstoppable

948
00:39:59,951 --> 00:40:01,645
♪ Selling out

949
00:40:01,745 --> 00:40:04,022
♪ They got a right to be

950
00:40:04,122 --> 00:40:08,735
♪ Owning all the highway
towns on the way

951
00:40:08,835 --> 00:40:12,113
♪ I was in love
with the singer

952
00:40:12,213 --> 00:40:15,908
♪ She could turn shit
into sunshine

953
00:40:16,008 --> 00:40:18,953
♪ They are the crème de la
crème de la crème

954
00:40:19,053 --> 00:40:23,082
♪ They are the crème
de la crème de la crème

955
00:40:23,182 --> 00:40:26,627
♪ Killing a pig from the start
to the end

956
00:40:26,727 --> 00:40:28,254
♪ They're the crème
de la crème...

957
00:40:28,354 --> 00:40:30,047
This guy's reading through
the local rag

958
00:40:30,147 --> 00:40:32,091
and comes across this article
in the paper

959
00:40:32,191 --> 00:40:34,885
that says there's a talking dog
for sale for $25.

960
00:40:34,985 --> 00:40:36,637
And of course he thinks
it's a load of shit

961
00:40:36,737 --> 00:40:38,180
but it's, like,
23 Johnson Street.

962
00:40:38,280 --> 00:40:39,806
He's thinking, "This is just
round the corner."

963
00:40:39,906 --> 00:40:41,683
So he's like, "I've got to find
out what the scam is.

964
00:40:41,783 --> 00:40:43,310
"It's worth a two-block walk."

965
00:40:43,410 --> 00:40:44,978
So walks around,
knocks on this guy's door.

966
00:40:45,078 --> 00:40:46,813
He said, "Read an article
in the paper

967
00:40:46,913 --> 00:40:48,231
"you got a talking dog
for $25."

968
00:40:48,331 --> 00:40:49,733
He said,
"Yeah. It's around the back.

969
00:40:49,833 --> 00:40:51,192
"Go and see if you like it."

970
00:40:51,292 --> 00:40:53,278
So he goes round the back.
"He won't bite you. He's fine."

971
00:40:53,378 --> 00:40:55,613
The guy goes round the side,
opens the side gate.

972
00:40:55,713 --> 00:40:57,281
There's a dog there.
He walks in and goes, "Right.

973
00:40:57,381 --> 00:40:58,616
"You're the talking dog,
are you?"

974
00:40:58,716 --> 00:40:59,659
The dog goes, "Yep.

975
00:40:59,759 --> 00:41:01,160
"Yeah, no,
I'm the talking dog."

976
00:41:01,260 --> 00:41:02,870
The guy said, "You're talking."
He said, "Yeah.

977
00:41:02,970 --> 00:41:04,997
"The boss put that
in the article, didn't he?"

978
00:41:05,097 --> 00:41:06,207
He said, "Well, yeah,
he did

979
00:41:06,307 --> 00:41:07,708
"but I didn't believe
it's true."

980
00:41:07,808 --> 00:41:09,335
He said, "Oh, there you go.
I'm a talking dog."

981
00:41:09,435 --> 00:41:10,461
He said,
"What do you wanna know?"

982
00:41:10,561 --> 00:41:12,338
He said, "Oh, well,
I thought it was a joke

983
00:41:12,438 --> 00:41:13,839
"so I don't want to know
anything, really.

984
00:41:13,939 --> 00:41:15,049
"But if you're a talking dog

985
00:41:15,149 --> 00:41:17,050
"I'd be interested in having
you come and live with me.

986
00:41:17,150 --> 00:41:18,969
"I could do with some company."
He said, "Alright."

987
00:41:19,069 --> 00:41:20,220
He said, "Are you
a man of the world?"

988
00:41:20,320 --> 00:41:21,513
The guy said,
"What do you mean?"

989
00:41:21,613 --> 00:41:23,932
He said, "Well, have you travelled?
Have you been to Germany?"

990
00:41:24,032 --> 00:41:25,142
The guy said, "Ah, no,
I haven't."

991
00:41:25,242 --> 00:41:26,643
He said, "Fantastic place,
Germany."

992
00:41:26,743 --> 00:41:28,645
He said, "Seriously, great
beer, as you probably know,

993
00:41:28,745 --> 00:41:30,438
"and, yeah, there's
the sausages and all that."

994
00:41:30,538 --> 00:41:32,857
"But it's just
an amazing place."
Have you been to
Switzerland?"

995
00:41:32,957 --> 00:41:35,276
The guy said, "Look, to be honest,
I haven't travelled much at all."

996
00:41:35,376 --> 00:41:36,528
He said,
"Switzerland is amazing.

997
00:41:36,628 --> 00:41:37,737
"Look, we can talk about that

998
00:41:37,837 --> 00:41:39,447
"but honestly the scenery is
second to none."

999
00:41:39,547 --> 00:41:41,199
He said, "Have you been through
Asia at all?"

1000
00:41:41,299 --> 00:41:42,617
And he said, "Not really."

1001
00:41:42,717 --> 00:41:44,285
He said, "Anyway, we got plenty
we can talk about.

1002
00:41:44,385 --> 00:41:45,453
"No need to waste it all now."

1003
00:41:45,553 --> 00:41:46,954
He said, "Go and do the deal
with the boss

1004
00:41:47,054 --> 00:41:48,748
"and I guess we're going to be
mates.

1005
00:41:48,848 --> 00:41:50,124
"I'm looking forward to it."

1006
00:41:50,224 --> 00:41:52,668
And he said, "OK. Fantastic."

1007
00:41:52,768 --> 00:41:54,461
Goes round the front and
he says to the guy, "25 bucks?"

1008
00:41:54,561 --> 00:41:57,172
The guy goes, "Yep, 25 bucks."
He goes, "Alright."

1009
00:41:57,272 --> 00:42:00,217
He said, "I gotta ask,
it's a talking dog.

1010
00:42:00,317 --> 00:42:03,971
"Why on earth would you sell it
for 25 bucks?" He said, "Ahhh."

1011
00:42:04,071 --> 00:42:05,472
He said, "I'm sick of the lies,
mate."

1012
00:42:05,572 --> 00:42:07,808
He said, "He's never been
out of the fucking backyard."

1013
00:42:07,908 --> 00:42:09,226
(LAUGHTER)

1014
00:42:09,326 --> 00:42:12,437
♪ They are the crème
de la crème de la crème

1015
00:42:12,537 --> 00:42:15,899
♪ They are the crème
de la crème de la crème

1016
00:42:15,999 --> 00:42:19,903
♪ I was running away
from the side to the end

1017
00:42:20,003 --> 00:42:24,048
♪ For the crème
de la crème de la crème. ♪

1018
00:42:26,133 --> 00:42:27,702
Went for a job as an echo.

1019
00:42:27,802 --> 00:42:29,370
Still waiting to hear back
from 'em.

1020
00:42:29,470 --> 00:42:31,555
(LAUGHS)

1021
00:42:34,350 --> 00:42:35,459
I wonder if the Wright Brothers
knew

1022
00:42:35,559 --> 00:42:37,378
how much their invention
would take off.

1023
00:42:37,478 --> 00:42:39,563
(CHUCKLES)

1024
00:42:40,564 --> 00:42:42,549
This weightlifting woman
went into the doctor.

1025
00:42:42,649 --> 00:42:45,469
She said "I've taken that many
steroids I've grown a dick."

1026
00:42:45,569 --> 00:42:47,804
He said, "Anabolic?"
She said, "No, just a dick."

1027
00:42:47,904 --> 00:42:49,990
(LAUGHS)

1028
00:42:54,911 --> 00:42:57,063
My friends tell me
I'm too condescending.

1029
00:42:57,163 --> 00:42:59,249
That means I talk down
to people.

1030
00:43:03,795 --> 00:43:06,089
My wife said, "Sex is better
on holidays."

1031
00:43:07,381 --> 00:43:08,366
Worst postcard ever.

1032
00:43:08,466 --> 00:43:10,118
(LAUGHS)

1033
00:43:10,218 --> 00:43:12,303
(GUITAR RIFF)

1034
00:43:15,514 --> 00:43:19,893
♪ All I want is a brand-new
pair of shoes

1035
00:43:21,687 --> 00:43:24,089
♪ 'Cause the ones that I've got

1036
00:43:24,189 --> 00:43:27,109
♪ They've got holes
about as big as the moon

1037
00:43:29,236 --> 00:43:32,347
♪ Feel like a dog
all covered in fleas

1038
00:43:32,447 --> 00:43:35,934
♪ The more I scratch
the less I ease

1039
00:43:36,034 --> 00:43:40,897
♪ People keep telling me
money don't grow on trees...

1040
00:43:40,997 --> 00:43:42,982
There's this jumbo jet,

1041
00:43:43,082 --> 00:43:45,151
Aer Lingus, Irish airline,

1042
00:43:45,251 --> 00:43:48,947
flying into the new landing
runway...

1043
00:43:49,047 --> 00:43:51,449
- Sure.
- ..at Dublin Airport.

1044
00:43:51,549 --> 00:43:53,242
They come out of
the cloud bank.

1045
00:43:53,342 --> 00:43:55,203
Real low.
Close to the ground.

1046
00:43:55,303 --> 00:43:57,872
They realise, "Oh, no. Oh, no.

1047
00:43:57,972 --> 00:44:00,374
"We're so close
and it's such a short runway.

1048
00:44:00,474 --> 00:44:03,043
"The runway is too short.
It'll never work."

1049
00:44:03,143 --> 00:44:05,170
But they land, they hit the
tarmac. (SQUEALS)

1050
00:44:05,270 --> 00:44:06,588
And they're putting
on the brakes

1051
00:44:06,688 --> 00:44:08,340
and the flaps and the engines
in reverse

1052
00:44:08,440 --> 00:44:10,300
and the passengers
in the back, they're going,

1053
00:44:10,400 --> 00:44:11,969
"Oh, no! To be sure!
To be sure!

1054
00:44:12,069 --> 00:44:13,679
"We'll never survive!
We'll never survive!"

1055
00:44:13,779 --> 00:44:17,849
And the aeroplane stops
one millimetre away

1056
00:44:17,949 --> 00:44:19,226
from the end of the runway.

1057
00:44:19,326 --> 00:44:22,354
And the captain says,
"Those fools!

1058
00:44:22,454 --> 00:44:24,314
"This runway is way too short."

1059
00:44:24,414 --> 00:44:26,274
And the co-pilot says, "Yeah.

1060
00:44:26,374 --> 00:44:28,401
"But look how wide it is."

1061
00:44:28,501 --> 00:44:30,586
(LAUGHS)

1062
00:44:32,046 --> 00:44:33,197
The circus comes to town

1063
00:44:33,297 --> 00:44:35,324
and a man goes up to
the circus manager's office

1064
00:44:35,424 --> 00:44:37,994
and he says, "I'd like to apply
for the position

1065
00:44:38,094 --> 00:44:39,787
"you had advertised
as a contortionist."

1066
00:44:39,887 --> 00:44:40,955
And the circus manager says,

1067
00:44:41,055 --> 00:44:42,289
"OK, well, how flexible
are you?"

1068
00:44:42,389 --> 00:44:43,916
He says,
"Well, I can't do Thursdays."

1069
00:44:44,016 --> 00:44:46,210
(LAUGHTER)

1070
00:44:46,310 --> 00:44:49,897
(BAND PLAYS
BLUESY ROCK MUSIC)

1071
00:45:05,120 --> 00:45:08,481
So there's this old guy, he's
dying and his wife's with him.

1072
00:45:08,581 --> 00:45:09,566
He's really old.

1073
00:45:09,666 --> 00:45:13,069
And he goes,
"Martha," to his wife.

1074
00:45:13,169 --> 00:45:15,071
"Martha.

1075
00:45:15,171 --> 00:45:18,324
"I remember we came out
from the old country, Martha.

1076
00:45:18,424 --> 00:45:21,035
"And we crossed the border.
We had nothing, Martha.

1077
00:45:21,135 --> 00:45:23,037
"We crossed the border.
I got shot in the shoulder.

1078
00:45:23,137 --> 00:45:25,373
"Martha, you were with me.

1079
00:45:25,473 --> 00:45:28,209
"And then we created a new life
here.

1080
00:45:28,309 --> 00:45:31,420
"We built up a company
from nothing. The factory.

1081
00:45:31,520 --> 00:45:32,713
"And then it burns to
the ground.

1082
00:45:32,813 --> 00:45:34,898
"You remember that, Martha?
You were with me.

1083
00:45:36,275 --> 00:45:38,802
"And then I get the polio,
Martha.

1084
00:45:38,902 --> 00:45:41,054
"I'm in an iron lung for
four years, Martha,

1085
00:45:41,154 --> 00:45:43,015
"but you were with me.

1086
00:45:43,115 --> 00:45:44,808
"Now I'm dying, Martha.

1087
00:45:44,908 --> 00:45:48,270
"I just want to tell you
one thing, Martha.

1088
00:45:48,370 --> 00:45:50,397
"Martha,
you're a fucking jinx!"

1089
00:45:50,497 --> 00:45:53,441
(LAUGHTER)

1090
00:45:53,541 --> 00:45:56,002
♪ I'm gonna see...

1091
00:46:00,840 --> 00:46:02,992
- This is a true story.
- (LAUGHS)

1092
00:46:03,092 --> 00:46:05,912
The guy got busted
up in Byron Bay.

1093
00:46:06,012 --> 00:46:08,431
Got caught barbecuing
a platypus.

1094
00:46:09,682 --> 00:46:11,584
And, you know,
the locals were outraged.

1095
00:46:11,684 --> 00:46:15,212
He went to court, got fined
and the judge called him over.

1096
00:46:15,312 --> 00:46:17,397
Said to him...

1097
00:46:18,482 --> 00:46:19,425
.."What did it taste like?"

1098
00:46:19,525 --> 00:46:21,610
And the guy said...

1099
00:46:22,027 --> 00:46:23,679
.."Halfway between a dolphin
and a koala."

1100
00:46:23,779 --> 00:46:25,263
(LAUGHS)

1101
00:46:25,363 --> 00:46:27,449
MAN: Oh, God no.

1102
00:46:29,534 --> 00:46:35,148
♪ But I can only give you
the best that I can do, yeah...

1103
00:46:35,248 --> 00:46:38,151
So it's Monday morning and the
teacher's there and she said,

1104
00:46:38,251 --> 00:46:39,694
"Have a think
about your weekend

1105
00:46:39,794 --> 00:46:41,696
"and come back with a story
with a moral.

1106
00:46:41,796 --> 00:46:43,197
"Who's got one?"

1107
00:46:43,297 --> 00:46:46,951
So little Lucy, dependable
little Lucy, first hand up.

1108
00:46:47,051 --> 00:46:48,327
And she says,

1109
00:46:48,427 --> 00:46:51,664
"Well, I took my old dog Rover
for a walk on the weekend.

1110
00:46:51,764 --> 00:46:53,457
"And I tried to teach him
to roll over.

1111
00:46:53,557 --> 00:46:56,377
"And you know what, miss?
I couldn't teach him.

1112
00:46:56,477 --> 00:46:59,171
"You can't teach an old dog
new tricks, miss."

1113
00:46:59,271 --> 00:47:03,217
She goes, "Oh, Lucy, every time
you get it right. Every time."

1114
00:47:03,317 --> 00:47:05,385
Course there was Steven.
He's got his hand up too.

1115
00:47:05,485 --> 00:47:07,846
He wants to be part of it.

1116
00:47:07,946 --> 00:47:09,139
"Steven, what's your story?"

1117
00:47:09,239 --> 00:47:12,434
He says, "Well, I had a race
against my next-door neighbour

1118
00:47:12,534 --> 00:47:14,060
"and he took off real fast

1119
00:47:14,160 --> 00:47:18,106
"but he tripped in a pothole
and he sprained his ankle.

1120
00:47:18,206 --> 00:47:20,358
"But I was just going slowly.
I was taking care.

1121
00:47:20,458 --> 00:47:23,695
"I didn't fall down any holes
and I won that race, miss.

1122
00:47:23,795 --> 00:47:26,447
"Slow and steady wins the race,
doesn't it, miss?"

1123
00:47:26,547 --> 00:47:29,575
And she goes... (CLAPS) Really
there's a connection going on.

1124
00:47:29,675 --> 00:47:31,202
She's really teaching the kids.

1125
00:47:31,302 --> 00:47:32,662
And of course little Johnny's
up the back.

1126
00:47:32,762 --> 00:47:34,914
"I got one. I got one."
She's like, "Ohhh...

1127
00:47:35,014 --> 00:47:37,374
"OK, Johnny,
what's your story?"

1128
00:47:37,474 --> 00:47:39,335
He said, "I spent the weekend
with my uncle Kev,

1129
00:47:39,435 --> 00:47:40,836
"the Vietnam vet.

1130
00:47:40,936 --> 00:47:42,671
"Uncle Ken, he was in Vietnam

1131
00:47:42,771 --> 00:47:44,548
"and he got separated
from his battalion.

1132
00:47:44,648 --> 00:47:45,924
"It was bloody horrible.

1133
00:47:46,024 --> 00:47:47,926
"Anyway, Uncle Kev,
he jumps in the bush,

1134
00:47:48,026 --> 00:47:50,512
"he pulls out some
Saigon spirits, right?

1135
00:47:50,612 --> 00:47:52,055
"Sculls half the bottle."

1136
00:47:52,155 --> 00:47:54,057
"Gets out his gun, jumps out.
Bang, bang, bang, bang!

1137
00:47:54,157 --> 00:47:55,392
"Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang!

1138
00:47:55,492 --> 00:47:58,144
"And there's blood everywhere.
Takes about 30 of 'em out.

1139
00:47:58,244 --> 00:47:59,854
"He jumps back into the bush.

1140
00:47:59,954 --> 00:48:02,941
"He sculls the second half of
that bottle of Saigon spirits,

1141
00:48:03,041 --> 00:48:04,442
"just smashes it back.

1142
00:48:04,542 --> 00:48:06,152
"Miss, you should've seen him.

1143
00:48:06,252 --> 00:48:07,445
"He jumps out,
gets his other gun.

1144
00:48:07,545 --> 00:48:09,781
"Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.
Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.

1145
00:48:09,881 --> 00:48:11,240
"All of a sudden
he's out of bullets

1146
00:48:11,340 --> 00:48:12,617
"and there's still
five of 'em left.

1147
00:48:12,717 --> 00:48:13,826
"Don't worry about that.

1148
00:48:13,926 --> 00:48:15,911
"He gets that bottle,
smashes it against his head.

1149
00:48:16,011 --> 00:48:17,580
"Hack! Hack! Hack! Hack!

1150
00:48:17,680 --> 00:48:19,123
"He doesn't stop

1151
00:48:19,223 --> 00:48:21,976
"till every single one of them
buggers is dead, miss.

1152
00:48:23,936 --> 00:48:27,798
Kids are crying in the class,
you know, and the teacher says,

1153
00:48:27,898 --> 00:48:31,802
""What could the moral of
that story possibly be?"

1154
00:48:31,902 --> 00:48:33,428
And he says,

1155
00:48:33,528 --> 00:48:34,721
"Well, you don't fuck with
Uncle Kev

1156
00:48:34,821 --> 00:48:36,181
"when he's on the piss."

1157
00:48:36,281 --> 00:48:38,366
(LAUGHTER)

1158
00:48:39,159 --> 00:48:42,495
Oh, that's lovely.
What a heart-warming story.

1159
00:48:43,746 --> 00:48:46,232
♪ Sweet, sweet love

1160
00:48:46,332 --> 00:48:49,485
♪ It will last, it will last

1161
00:48:49,585 --> 00:48:53,923
♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah
Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah

1162
00:48:55,967 --> 00:48:58,452
♪ Sweet, sweet love

1163
00:48:58,552 --> 00:49:01,789
♪ It will last, it will last

1164
00:49:01,889 --> 00:49:03,707
♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah

1165
00:49:03,807 --> 00:49:06,210
♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah...

1166
00:49:06,310 --> 00:49:08,212
I got one.
Bloke goes into a pub and says,

1167
00:49:08,312 --> 00:49:10,339
"Give us a beer
before the trouble starts."

1168
00:49:10,439 --> 00:49:11,548
Publican pours him a beer.

1169
00:49:11,648 --> 00:49:14,259
He goes, "Alright. Give us another
beer before the trouble starts."

1170
00:49:14,359 --> 00:49:16,178
Pours another beer
and drinks that.

1171
00:49:16,278 --> 00:49:17,262
Then his mate walks in.

1172
00:49:17,362 --> 00:49:18,430
He goes, "Oh, me mate's here.

1173
00:49:18,530 --> 00:49:20,390
"Give me mate a beer
before the trouble starts."

1174
00:49:20,490 --> 00:49:21,516
He said, "Oh, by the way.

1175
00:49:21,616 --> 00:49:23,351
"Give me another beer
before the trouble starts."

1176
00:49:23,451 --> 00:49:25,937
And the publican says,
"Hey. That'll be $15.80."

1177
00:49:26,037 --> 00:49:27,605
Said, "Look out.
The trouble's started."

1178
00:49:27,705 --> 00:49:30,233
(LAUGHTER)

1179
00:49:30,333 --> 00:49:32,860
♪ It burns much inside

1180
00:49:32,960 --> 00:49:39,467
♪ As I want you
till the day I'm done

1181
00:49:56,775 --> 00:49:59,611
(HUMS)

1182
00:50:09,162 --> 00:50:12,857
This guy hadn't been laid
in quite some time.

1183
00:50:12,957 --> 00:50:15,777
He said, "I'm going to go out
tonight. I'm going to hook up."

1184
00:50:15,877 --> 00:50:17,278
You know. So he goes to a bar.

1185
00:50:17,378 --> 00:50:18,863
He looks over in the corner

1186
00:50:18,963 --> 00:50:22,033
and there's an older woman,
mature-looking woman.

1187
00:50:22,133 --> 00:50:25,286
He thinks, "Fuck it!" You know.

1188
00:50:25,386 --> 00:50:27,872
And then he has this
thought of, like,

1189
00:50:27,972 --> 00:50:29,999
"She could really have
a really hot daughter

1190
00:50:30,099 --> 00:50:32,710
"and then, you know,
maybe a threesome."

1191
00:50:32,810 --> 00:50:35,212
He's just... He's getting ahead
of himself.

1192
00:50:35,312 --> 00:50:37,548
They have a few drinks
and then he sort of reveals

1193
00:50:37,648 --> 00:50:40,509
his mother/daughter fantasy
to her, you know?

1194
00:50:40,609 --> 00:50:42,552
She's had a few drinks
and then she sort of stops

1195
00:50:42,652 --> 00:50:45,680
and just says, "Really?
That's interesting.

1196
00:50:45,780 --> 00:50:48,517
"Let's go back to my place."

1197
00:50:48,617 --> 00:50:51,311
And he's just going, "Fuck!"
You know?

1198
00:50:51,411 --> 00:50:54,064
Get in the cab, get to her
place, open the front door.

1199
00:50:54,164 --> 00:50:55,940
She goes, "Mum, are you awake?"

1200
00:50:56,040 --> 00:50:59,360
(LAUGHTER)

1201
00:50:59,460 --> 00:51:01,362
Two comedians talking
to each other.

1202
00:51:01,462 --> 00:51:03,156
He says, "I haven't seen you.
Where have you been?"

1203
00:51:03,256 --> 00:51:07,660
He says, "I'm in America.
I'm in a sitcom. It's massive.

1204
00:51:07,760 --> 00:51:08,869
"Do you not..."

1205
00:51:08,969 --> 00:51:12,039
He goes, "Really? I...
I haven't heard what it is."

1206
00:51:12,139 --> 00:51:13,707
He goes, "Yeah, yeah.

1207
00:51:13,807 --> 00:51:16,252
"I do these big stadiums
all over in America.

1208
00:51:16,352 --> 00:51:18,128
"They're all sold out
in advance."

1209
00:51:18,228 --> 00:51:20,589
He goes, "I haven't heard
any of this."

1210
00:51:20,689 --> 00:51:23,509
He goes, "Yeah. They get it
here now. It's syndicated here.

1211
00:51:23,609 --> 00:51:26,053
"You know...
It's a big hit here."

1212
00:51:26,153 --> 00:51:29,014
And he goes,
"I haven't heard any of this."

1213
00:51:29,114 --> 00:51:31,516
He goes, "Yeah, I'm doing
a big stadium tour

1214
00:51:31,616 --> 00:51:33,518
"on the back of the sitcom
being a big hit.

1215
00:51:33,618 --> 00:51:35,520
"And the whole thing's
sold out in advance.

1216
00:51:35,620 --> 00:51:39,440
He goes,
"I haven't heard any of this."

1217
00:51:39,540 --> 00:51:41,276
He goes, "Yeah,
I just...I popped up

1218
00:51:41,376 --> 00:51:43,361
"at a local comedy club
the other night

1219
00:51:43,461 --> 00:51:44,904
"just to try out
some new material,

1220
00:51:45,004 --> 00:51:46,280
"just to see how it'll go down.

1221
00:51:46,380 --> 00:51:48,282
"And died me arse."

1222
00:51:48,382 --> 00:51:50,034
He goes, "Oh, yeah, I heard
about THAT."

1223
00:51:50,134 --> 00:51:52,470
(LAUGHTER)

1224
00:51:55,764 --> 00:51:58,709
I went over and visited
my aunty and uncle.

1225
00:51:58,809 --> 00:52:00,294
She made dinner.
Beautiful, right?

1226
00:52:00,394 --> 00:52:02,588
And because they're old school,

1227
00:52:02,688 --> 00:52:04,590
I was left there at the table
with my uncle

1228
00:52:04,690 --> 00:52:07,426
and she's taken the plates out
to the kitchen to wash up.

1229
00:52:07,526 --> 00:52:09,219
And I said, "I'll come help."
"No, no, stay there."

1230
00:52:09,319 --> 00:52:11,513
So I'm sitting there at the
table with me uncle, right?

1231
00:52:11,613 --> 00:52:13,348
And I said, "Jeez,
that was good food, hey?"

1232
00:52:13,448 --> 00:52:15,350
He said, "Oh, yeah,
bloody marvellous, hey?"

1233
00:52:15,450 --> 00:52:17,560
He said, "We went out to dinner
the other night.

1234
00:52:17,660 --> 00:52:20,980
"It was a grouse night too.
Bloody beautiful food."

1235
00:52:21,080 --> 00:52:22,524
And I said, "Fair dinkum.
Where was it?

1236
00:52:22,624 --> 00:52:24,275
"What was the name
of the joint?"

1237
00:52:24,375 --> 00:52:26,194
"Oh, jeez, I knew you were
going to ask me that. Hang on.

1238
00:52:26,294 --> 00:52:31,449
"Now, was it bloody...ah...oh,
you know, um... You know...

1239
00:52:31,549 --> 00:52:33,075
(SPLUTTERS)

1240
00:52:33,175 --> 00:52:35,786
"What's the name?
You know, that flower.

1241
00:52:35,886 --> 00:52:37,496
"It's like a flower. You know?

1242
00:52:37,596 --> 00:52:40,166
"And you give it to sheilas
on Valentines Day. You know?

1243
00:52:40,266 --> 00:52:42,251
"And it's got the thorns."
I said, "Oh, rose!"

1244
00:52:42,351 --> 00:52:43,335
He says, "Yeah!

1245
00:52:43,435 --> 00:52:45,671
"Hey, Rose! What's the name
of that bloody restaurant?"

1246
00:52:45,771 --> 00:52:47,856
(LAUGHTER)

1247
00:52:50,859 --> 00:52:53,553
A woman gets into an elevator
and there's a man there

1248
00:52:53,653 --> 00:52:55,430
and he goes, "Oh. Hello.
What floor are you going to?"

1249
00:52:55,530 --> 00:52:57,224
She says, "Oh, three, please."

1250
00:52:57,324 --> 00:52:58,975
He says, "Where are you heading
to today?"

1251
00:52:59,075 --> 00:53:02,437
She says, "I'm going to give
blood." He said, "Oh, really?

1252
00:53:02,537 --> 00:53:05,857
"How much do you get for giving
blood?" She says, "£20."

1253
00:53:05,957 --> 00:53:07,901
He says, "Oh, wow!

1254
00:53:08,001 --> 00:53:09,777
"I'm just about to donate some
sperm, you know,

1255
00:53:09,877 --> 00:53:12,155
"and the sperm bank
gives £100."

1256
00:53:12,255 --> 00:53:14,157
And she's like, "Really?"

1257
00:53:14,257 --> 00:53:17,076
She gets off. Next day,
he's there again in the lift.

1258
00:53:17,176 --> 00:53:18,327
"Fancy meeting you.

1259
00:53:18,427 --> 00:53:20,121
"Where are you off to?"

1260
00:53:20,221 --> 00:53:22,123
(AS IF WITH MOUTH FULL)
"Sperm bank."

1261
00:53:22,223 --> 00:53:23,958
(LAUGHTER)

1262
00:53:24,058 --> 00:53:26,001
Oh, man.

1263
00:53:26,101 --> 00:53:29,171
STEVE: There's this show.
There's a concert on.

1264
00:53:29,271 --> 00:53:32,174
And there's this ventriloquist
and he's got his dummy out

1265
00:53:32,274 --> 00:53:33,842
and he's doing this fantastic
routine

1266
00:53:33,942 --> 00:53:35,218
but he's offending everyone.

1267
00:53:35,318 --> 00:53:37,554
He's offended... He's offended
the Ukrainians.

1268
00:53:37,654 --> 00:53:40,390
He's offended the Scots.
He's offended everyone.

1269
00:53:40,490 --> 00:53:42,976
And finally he says,
"And tell me, Jerry,

1270
00:53:43,076 --> 00:53:45,437
"What do you think
about the Irish?"

1271
00:53:45,537 --> 00:53:47,355
And before he can get
a word out,

1272
00:53:47,455 --> 00:53:49,649
this huge Irish bloke
stands up in the audience

1273
00:53:49,749 --> 00:53:50,692
and he says,

1274
00:53:50,792 --> 00:53:53,236
"If you're going to do
any Irish jokes,

1275
00:53:53,336 --> 00:53:54,320
"I'm gonna come up there,

1276
00:53:54,420 --> 00:53:56,114
"I'm going to belt
your bloody head in."

1277
00:53:56,214 --> 00:54:00,326
And the ventriloquist says,
"Look.

1278
00:54:00,426 --> 00:54:02,953
"This isn't meant in bad taste.
We're just covering everybody."

1279
00:54:03,053 --> 00:54:04,497
And he said,
"I'm not talking to you.

1280
00:54:04,597 --> 00:54:05,915
"I'm talking to that cheeky
little bastard

1281
00:54:06,015 --> 00:54:07,333
"sitting on your knee."

1282
00:54:07,433 --> 00:54:09,518
(LAUGHTER)

1283
00:54:10,227 --> 00:54:13,297
♪ I might get home
next to never

1284
00:54:13,397 --> 00:54:15,674
♪ You won't see me round

1285
00:54:15,774 --> 00:54:17,342
♪ 'Cause if I never get on up

1286
00:54:17,442 --> 00:54:19,511
♪ Why, I can never
get let down... ♪

1287
00:54:19,611 --> 00:54:22,514
An Irishman walks
into his local pub,

1288
00:54:22,614 --> 00:54:25,809
and the bartender says,
"What can I get for you, Sean?"

1289
00:54:25,909 --> 00:54:28,645
He said, "I'll have
a pint of stout, Patrick."

1290
00:54:28,745 --> 00:54:30,230
And he says,
"As a matter of fact,

1291
00:54:30,330 --> 00:54:33,233
"it's the last drink I'm ever
gonna buy in this pub."

1292
00:54:33,333 --> 00:54:35,735
And the bartender said,
"What are you talking about?!

1293
00:54:35,835 --> 00:54:37,153
"We didn't have a fight,
did we?"

1294
00:54:37,253 --> 00:54:38,446
He said, "Oh, no, no, no."

1295
00:54:38,546 --> 00:54:40,573
He said, "It's nothing
personal, Patrick,"

1296
00:54:40,673 --> 00:54:43,242
he said, "but I just found out
that down at the Royal,

1297
00:54:43,342 --> 00:54:46,162
"you walk in,
you buy your first drink,

1298
00:54:46,262 --> 00:54:48,914
"after that, you drink
for nothing all night,

1299
00:54:49,014 --> 00:54:51,041
"and at the end of the night,
you get a free fuck!"

1300
00:54:51,141 --> 00:54:52,835
(ALL CHUCKLE)

1301
00:54:52,935 --> 00:54:55,587
He said, "Who told you that?!"
He said, "Me daughter."

1302
00:54:55,687 --> 00:54:57,881
(ALL LAUGH)

1303
00:54:57,981 --> 00:55:01,051
A guy goes to a psychiatrist,
and, um...

1304
00:55:01,151 --> 00:55:03,512
..the psychiatrist said to him,
"Oh, what can I do for you?"

1305
00:55:03,612 --> 00:55:05,388
He said, "Oh, it's not me,
it's my brother."

1306
00:55:05,488 --> 00:55:07,057
He said, "Oh, what's wrong
with your brother?"

1307
00:55:07,157 --> 00:55:08,475
He said, "He thinks
he's an orange."

1308
00:55:08,575 --> 00:55:10,060
He said, "Oh, you should
bring him in."

1309
00:55:10,160 --> 00:55:11,853
He said, "Oh, I did. I've got
him here in my pocket."

1310
00:55:11,953 --> 00:55:15,106
My Uncle Jaime has been...

1311
00:55:15,206 --> 00:55:17,775
..has been going to the same
restaurant for 20 years.

1312
00:55:17,875 --> 00:55:20,445
- The same restaurant!
- 20 years. Every Monday night.

1313
00:55:20,545 --> 00:55:24,073
The same order - one bowl
of chicken noodle soup.

1314
00:55:24,173 --> 00:55:26,784
But just last week,
something went terribly wrong.

1315
00:55:26,884 --> 00:55:28,994
"Waiter? Waiter?

1316
00:55:29,094 --> 00:55:30,579
"Try the soup."

1317
00:55:30,679 --> 00:55:33,374
"What, is something wrong?
Is it not hot enough?"

1318
00:55:33,474 --> 00:55:35,542
"Just...just try the soup."

1319
00:55:35,642 --> 00:55:37,795
"What, is it too salty?
Not salty enough?

1320
00:55:37,895 --> 00:55:42,174
"Is the noodle-to-liquid ratio
not what you had anticipated?"

1321
00:55:42,274 --> 00:55:46,261
"Solly, Solly, my old friend, I
want you should try the soup."

1322
00:55:46,361 --> 00:55:48,221
"OK! OK, I'll try the soup!

1323
00:55:48,321 --> 00:55:50,390
"Now, where's the spoon?"

1324
00:55:50,490 --> 00:55:51,892
"Aha!"

1325
00:55:51,992 --> 00:55:54,119
(ALL LAUGH)

1326
00:56:01,125 --> 00:56:04,195
You know, if you want a job
in the moisturiser industry,

1327
00:56:04,295 --> 00:56:06,989
the best advice I can give you
is apply daily.

1328
00:56:07,089 --> 00:56:09,175
(LAUGHS)

1329
00:56:10,134 --> 00:56:12,161
You know, the people of Dubai
don't like The Flintstones,

1330
00:56:12,261 --> 00:56:13,746
but the people of Abu-Dhabi-do.

1331
00:56:13,846 --> 00:56:15,998
(LAUGHS)

1332
00:56:16,098 --> 00:56:19,501
Why can't Stevie Wonder
see his friends?

1333
00:56:19,601 --> 00:56:21,336
- I don't know.
- 'Cause he's married.

1334
00:56:21,436 --> 00:56:23,213
(LAUGHS)

1335
00:56:23,313 --> 00:56:26,191
I wasn't expecting that.
(LAUGHS)

1336
00:56:28,652 --> 00:56:29,886
I went to an auction

1337
00:56:29,986 --> 00:56:31,930
and I bought the DeLorean
from Back To The Future.

1338
00:56:32,030 --> 00:56:33,598
I'm only gonna drive it
from time to time.

1339
00:56:33,698 --> 00:56:35,892
- (LAUGHTER)
- Ohh! Nice!

1340
00:56:35,992 --> 00:56:38,144
A blonde and a redhead
sitting at a bar.

1341
00:56:38,244 --> 00:56:40,980
The blonde looks out the window
and she sees this guy

1342
00:56:41,080 --> 00:56:43,983
with these really
long-stemmed flowers.

1343
00:56:44,083 --> 00:56:46,819
And the redhead looks and goes,
"Ugh! It's my husband.

1344
00:56:46,919 --> 00:56:49,447
"All that means is that
I'm gonna spend the entire week

1345
00:56:49,547 --> 00:56:51,199
"on my back with my legs open."

1346
00:56:51,299 --> 00:56:53,951
And the blonde goes,
"Don't you have a vase?"

1347
00:56:54,051 --> 00:56:55,327
- Yes!
- (ALL LAUGH)

1348
00:56:55,427 --> 00:56:57,079
There's this guy, right,
and he goes...

1349
00:56:57,179 --> 00:56:58,581
..he goes in
and he just grabs a pint

1350
00:56:58,681 --> 00:57:00,207
and he just smashes it
against the wall.

1351
00:57:00,307 --> 00:57:01,667
The bartender goes,
"What are you doing?"

1352
00:57:01,767 --> 00:57:02,876
He goes,
"Oh, it's a problem I have.

1353
00:57:02,976 --> 00:57:04,086
"I'm sorry.
I'm very ashamed of it."

1354
00:57:04,186 --> 00:57:05,629
He goes, "You've got to
get that checked out.

1355
00:57:05,729 --> 00:57:07,047
"You've got to go
speak to someone about it."

1356
00:57:07,147 --> 00:57:08,173
And he goes, "OK."

1357
00:57:08,273 --> 00:57:09,758
So, he goes away for
three months, comes back,

1358
00:57:09,858 --> 00:57:11,134
drinks a pint
and just chucks it at the wall

1359
00:57:11,234 --> 00:57:12,177
and then it just smashes.

1360
00:57:12,277 --> 00:57:13,345
He goes, "What are you doing?

1361
00:57:13,445 --> 00:57:14,971
"I thought you said you were
gonna get help for it."

1362
00:57:15,071 --> 00:57:16,890
He's like, "Yep. I did.
I'm not ashamed of it anymore."

1363
00:57:16,990 --> 00:57:18,683
(BOTH LAUGH)

1364
00:57:18,783 --> 00:57:21,478
Another true...
Listen. It's a true story.

1365
00:57:21,578 --> 00:57:23,480
Some... It can't be all jokes.

1366
00:57:23,580 --> 00:57:25,899
- It can't be.
- Some of it has to be true.

1367
00:57:25,999 --> 00:57:27,859
A true story. We're listening.
We're listening.

1368
00:57:27,959 --> 00:57:30,044
- (SIGHS)
- Go on.

1369
00:57:30,586 --> 00:57:33,781
A frog goes into a bank...

1370
00:57:33,881 --> 00:57:35,449
- (LAUGHTER)
- ..to get a loan...

1371
00:57:35,549 --> 00:57:37,118
These two drunks
have just left the pub

1372
00:57:37,218 --> 00:57:38,536
and they're pretty pissed,

1373
00:57:38,636 --> 00:57:39,870
and they're walking
down the road,

1374
00:57:39,970 --> 00:57:42,164
and in the gutter, there's
a dog there licking its balls.

1375
00:57:42,264 --> 00:57:44,041
And one drunk said
to the other, he said, "Jesus."

1376
00:57:44,141 --> 00:57:45,584
He said, "I'd love to be able
to do that."

1377
00:57:45,684 --> 00:57:48,462
And his mate said, "I think
I'd fuckin' pat him first."

1378
00:57:48,562 --> 00:57:50,130
(LAUGHS)

1379
00:57:50,230 --> 00:57:51,423
JIMEOIN: How many body builders

1380
00:57:51,523 --> 00:57:52,674
does it take to change
a light bulb?

1381
00:57:52,774 --> 00:57:54,217
- How many?
- Two.

1382
00:57:54,317 --> 00:57:55,469
One to change the light bulb

1383
00:57:55,569 --> 00:57:57,929
and another one to go, "Look
at you, man! You're huge!"

1384
00:57:58,029 --> 00:58:00,156
(ALL LAUGH)

1385
00:58:08,790 --> 00:58:15,613
♪ Well, I'm looking out on
an overcast sky in the morning

1386
00:58:15,713 --> 00:58:23,621
♪ I can't hear the warning
as it calls to you

1387
00:58:23,721 --> 00:58:27,416
♪ As the birds migrate
and the wind is raised

1388
00:58:27,516 --> 00:58:30,044
♪ I see the eagle soaring

1389
00:58:30,144 --> 00:58:36,733
♪ Although I'm just a pawn
in nature's game, like you

1390
00:58:38,193 --> 00:58:40,278
♪ Wa-hoo

1391
00:58:41,112 --> 00:58:44,224
♪ Wa-hoo

1392
00:58:44,324 --> 00:58:48,369
♪ Wa-hoo-ah

1393
00:58:50,663 --> 00:58:53,107
♪ On the wings of an eagle

1394
00:58:53,207 --> 00:58:57,111
♪ I find myself
lifted through the skies

1395
00:58:57,211 --> 00:59:01,841
♪ Lifted up above
the world to see

1396
00:59:03,259 --> 00:59:05,911
♪ On the wings of an eagle

1397
00:59:06,011 --> 00:59:09,832
♪ I find myself
lifted through the skies

1398
00:59:09,932 --> 00:59:15,087
♪ Lifted up above
the world to see

1399
00:59:15,187 --> 00:59:22,511
♪ Can you see me?
Can you see me?

1400
00:59:22,611 --> 00:59:26,431
♪ As the days roll on
and the nights get long

1401
00:59:26,531 --> 00:59:29,142
♪ The changing of the seasons

1402
00:59:29,242 --> 00:59:30,810
♪ The falling autumn... ♪

1403
00:59:30,910 --> 00:59:31,978
Hi, Dad.

1404
00:59:32,078 --> 00:59:33,313
- Hey, mate.
- How are you going?

1405
00:59:33,413 --> 00:59:34,606
Yeah, not bad.

1406
00:59:34,706 --> 00:59:37,650
♪ They bring me down

1407
00:59:37,750 --> 00:59:40,795
♪ They bring me down... ♪

1408
00:59:46,300 --> 00:59:48,661
Yeah, so, um...

1409
00:59:48,761 --> 00:59:50,704
..what's the guts
of this party?

1410
00:59:50,804 --> 00:59:52,890
What's it really all about?

1411
00:59:54,016 --> 00:59:58,061
Well, uh...to tell the truth,
I threw it for you.

1412
00:59:59,605 --> 01:00:01,690
Me?

1413
01:00:02,232 --> 01:00:05,510
Well...you've spent my whole
life making me laugh,

1414
01:00:05,610 --> 01:00:08,847
so I thought it...might be nice
to try and return the favour.

1415
01:00:08,947 --> 01:00:12,017
So...thought I'd bring
some mates round

1416
01:00:12,117 --> 01:00:13,560
to give me a chop out.

1417
01:00:13,660 --> 01:00:15,937
And, you know, let's be honest,
you're not getting any younger

1418
01:00:16,037 --> 01:00:17,564
and I'm not getting
any funnier, so...

1419
01:00:17,664 --> 01:00:19,482
No.

1420
01:00:19,582 --> 01:00:22,443
Yeah, this, uh...this gig looks
like it might go for a while.

1421
01:00:22,543 --> 01:00:24,946
I don't know whether
I'll see it right to the end.

1422
01:00:25,046 --> 01:00:27,615
I'll probably have another
couple of quiet ones,

1423
01:00:27,715 --> 01:00:28,908
then I might just drift off.

1424
01:00:29,008 --> 01:00:30,618
If I'm missing, you'll know
that I've hit the sack

1425
01:00:30,718 --> 01:00:31,994
and called it a day.

1426
01:00:32,094 --> 01:00:33,245
Done.

1427
01:00:33,345 --> 01:00:34,497
But it's been terrific,
you know?

1428
01:00:34,597 --> 01:00:36,624
And thanks...thanks, boy.

1429
01:00:36,724 --> 01:00:38,809
Pleasure, Dad.

1430
01:00:42,563 --> 01:00:43,922
One more for the road?

1431
01:00:44,022 --> 01:00:45,841
Ooh, why not? Why not?

1432
01:00:45,941 --> 01:00:49,052
(CLEARS THROAT)
So, uh...this primary school,

1433
01:00:49,152 --> 01:00:51,388
it's St Patrick's Day,
and they decide

1434
01:00:51,488 --> 01:00:53,557
they should invite one of
the kids' grandparents along,

1435
01:00:53,657 --> 01:00:55,058
'cause he served
during the war.

1436
01:00:55,158 --> 01:00:57,894
So he comes into the classroom
and he explains, he said...

1437
01:00:57,994 --> 01:01:00,188
(IRISH ACCENT) .. "Well,
children, I fought in the war.

1438
01:01:00,288 --> 01:01:01,481
"War's a terrible thing.

1439
01:01:01,581 --> 01:01:03,441
"People fighting other people
because of other people."

1440
01:01:03,541 --> 01:01:05,651
He said, "Hope you never have
to be a part of it," he said.

1441
01:01:05,751 --> 01:01:07,445
"Anyway, I worked
on an airfield,"

1442
01:01:07,545 --> 01:01:10,615
and he said, "and this day,
I'm on the airfield

1443
01:01:10,715 --> 01:01:13,117
"and this fucker comes
swooping in, shooting at me."

1444
01:01:13,217 --> 01:01:15,077
And the teacher
rushes in and says,

1445
01:01:15,177 --> 01:01:16,579
"Just before
he goes any further,

1446
01:01:16,679 --> 01:01:17,997
"children, just so you know,

1447
01:01:18,097 --> 01:01:21,792
"a Fokker was an aeroplane
that they used during the war."

1448
01:01:21,892 --> 01:01:24,920
And he said, "That is right.

1449
01:01:25,020 --> 01:01:28,173
"But THIS fucker was flying
a Messerschmitt."

1450
01:01:28,273 --> 01:01:30,358
(BOTH LAUGH)

1451
01:02:02,431 --> 01:02:04,208
- The Irish. (CHUCKLES)
- See you later.

1452
01:02:04,308 --> 01:02:06,393
God bless 'em.
Yeah, see you, boy.

1453
01:02:21,324 --> 01:02:23,768
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

1454
01:02:23,868 --> 01:02:25,520
Good lad.

1455
01:02:25,620 --> 01:02:27,063
SHANE: OK, everyone,
last round.

1456
01:02:27,163 --> 01:02:30,249
(BAND PLAYS)

1457
01:02:46,557 --> 01:02:49,101
♪ This might come back
to bite us

1458
01:02:50,602 --> 01:02:53,105
♪ I know you think so too

1459
01:02:55,148 --> 01:02:57,901
♪ But when it come to it, babe

1460
01:02:59,027 --> 01:03:01,738
♪ What have we got to lose?

1461
01:03:03,531 --> 01:03:06,784
♪ Holding back feeling

1462
01:03:07,869 --> 01:03:10,830
♪ Can't stop a waterfall

1463
01:03:12,123 --> 01:03:15,359
♪ No good at pretending, oh

1464
01:03:15,459 --> 01:03:18,921
♪ When my back's
against the wall

1465
01:03:20,506 --> 01:03:23,659
♪ I've had you on my mind

1466
01:03:23,759 --> 01:03:25,844
♪ Tonight, oh

1467
01:03:26,887 --> 01:03:29,790
♪ All I need is a sign

1468
01:03:29,890 --> 01:03:33,101
♪ Don't think twice... ♪

1469
01:03:34,436 --> 01:03:37,381
So, the Lone Ranger
got caught by Sitting Bull.

1470
01:03:37,481 --> 01:03:40,759
It was horrifying. This great
hero of the American people.

1471
01:03:40,859 --> 01:03:43,553
And out of respect, Sitting
Bull says to the Lone Ranger,

1472
01:03:43,653 --> 01:03:45,347
"You're an amazing man.

1473
01:03:45,447 --> 01:03:47,849
"So...I'm gonna kill you
in three days,

1474
01:03:47,949 --> 01:03:49,351
"but I'll give you, you know,

1475
01:03:49,451 --> 01:03:50,935
"three little moments,
three requests,

1476
01:03:51,035 --> 01:03:53,229
"you know,
try and ease the pain."

1477
01:03:53,329 --> 01:03:54,856
So, the Lone Ranger says,

1478
01:03:54,956 --> 01:03:56,733
"No problems at all.
I'd like to talk to my horse."

1479
01:03:56,833 --> 01:03:58,151
So, they bring Silver in,

1480
01:03:58,251 --> 01:04:00,820
and the Lone Ranger whispers
in that beautiful horse's ear,

1481
01:04:00,920 --> 01:04:02,822
and all of a sudden...
(MIMICS HOOF BEATS)

1482
01:04:02,922 --> 01:04:05,783
..out over the horizon,
Silver gallops.

1483
01:04:05,883 --> 01:04:07,535
Comes back
a couple of hours later

1484
01:04:07,635 --> 01:04:10,204
with the most beautiful lady
riding on his back.

1485
01:04:10,304 --> 01:04:11,789
Beautiful, lovely blonde lady.

1486
01:04:11,889 --> 01:04:15,125
And she goes into the tent
with the Lone Ranger,

1487
01:04:15,225 --> 01:04:16,585
and they spend the night.

1488
01:04:16,685 --> 01:04:17,795
She comes out,

1489
01:04:17,895 --> 01:04:20,130
and Sitting Bull is, of course,
very impressed with this -

1490
01:04:20,230 --> 01:04:23,383
this connection between man
and beast he's not seen before.

1491
01:04:23,483 --> 01:04:25,927
So he says, "You're
an amazing guy, Lone Ranger.

1492
01:04:26,027 --> 01:04:28,805
"I'm gonna kill you
in two days, but, still, um..."

1493
01:04:28,905 --> 01:04:31,224
(ALL LAUGH)

1494
01:04:31,324 --> 01:04:34,811
"So, I...do you want another
little request or something?"

1495
01:04:34,911 --> 01:04:36,187
And the Lone Ranger says,

1496
01:04:36,287 --> 01:04:39,732
"I'll do that. I'd like to talk
to my horse again."

1497
01:04:39,832 --> 01:04:42,193
So Silver comes in.
He whispers in Silver's ear.

1498
01:04:42,293 --> 01:04:44,570
Same thing - boom! -
gallops over the horizon.

1499
01:04:44,670 --> 01:04:45,988
In two hours, comes back -

1500
01:04:46,088 --> 01:04:50,618
this time, another lovely lady,
a brunette this time,

1501
01:04:50,718 --> 01:04:53,913
and more intelligent and
voluptuous and quite a stunner.

1502
01:04:54,013 --> 01:04:55,581
And in she goes into the tent,

1503
01:04:55,681 --> 01:04:58,083
and who knows what happens
betwixt the sheets that night?

1504
01:04:58,183 --> 01:04:59,626
MICHALA: (LAUGHS) "Betwixt"!

1505
01:04:59,726 --> 01:05:01,170
And they come out
in the morning

1506
01:05:01,270 --> 01:05:03,547
and the Lone Ranger's
looking around again.

1507
01:05:03,647 --> 01:05:05,132
Sitting Bull says,
"This is quite something.

1508
01:05:05,232 --> 01:05:06,925
"That is quite a special horse.

1509
01:05:07,025 --> 01:05:09,928
"I will kill you
tomorrow, still,

1510
01:05:10,028 --> 01:05:12,430
"because I hate
everything about you."

1511
01:05:12,530 --> 01:05:14,140
(ALL LAUGH)

1512
01:05:14,240 --> 01:05:15,600
"But I'll give you
one more request,

1513
01:05:15,700 --> 01:05:16,810
"since you're so amazing."

1514
01:05:16,910 --> 01:05:18,812
And this time, the Lone Ranger
says, "No problems at all.

1515
01:05:18,912 --> 01:05:20,563
"This time, could I just have

1516
01:05:20,663 --> 01:05:23,149
"a quiet word with the horse
in private?"

1517
01:05:23,249 --> 01:05:24,525
"Yeah, no problems at all."

1518
01:05:24,625 --> 01:05:27,153
So the horse goes into the
tent, and finally, he's alone,

1519
01:05:27,253 --> 01:05:29,697
and the Lone Ranger
grabs Silver by the ears,

1520
01:05:29,797 --> 01:05:31,282
he looks into his eyes,
he says,

1521
01:05:31,382 --> 01:05:34,952
"I will tell you clearly -
bring POSSE!"

1522
01:05:35,052 --> 01:05:37,388
(ALL LAUGH)

1523
01:05:40,432 --> 01:05:44,294
♪ Don't you think twice, babe

1524
01:05:44,394 --> 01:05:46,480
♪ Don't think twice

1525
01:05:48,315 --> 01:05:50,967
♪ Don't think twice... ♪

1526
01:05:51,067 --> 01:05:53,887
OK, so, there's
this, um, army captain

1527
01:05:53,987 --> 01:05:55,472
and he goes out
to visit the troops

1528
01:05:55,572 --> 01:05:57,098
in the middle of the desert,
and he hasn't...

1529
01:05:57,198 --> 01:05:58,892
They've been out there for
months and months and months

1530
01:05:58,992 --> 01:06:00,268
on their own.

1531
01:06:00,368 --> 01:06:02,312
So, he's like, "OK, guys, are
you gonna show me around?"

1532
01:06:02,412 --> 01:06:04,439
And they go,
"Well...yeah, alright."

1533
01:06:04,539 --> 01:06:07,191
So, it's like, "There's a tent,
and there's another tent,

1534
01:06:07,291 --> 01:06:08,901
"and there's another tent.

1535
01:06:09,001 --> 01:06:12,071
"That's...pretty much it.

1536
01:06:12,171 --> 01:06:13,531
"Yep."

1537
01:06:13,631 --> 01:06:15,366
And he goes,
"Well, what's that?"

1538
01:06:15,466 --> 01:06:18,202
There's, like, this really
sad-looking camel.

1539
01:06:18,302 --> 01:06:20,287
And they went, "Oh.

1540
01:06:20,387 --> 01:06:22,498
"Yeah, that's, uh...
that's the camel."

1541
01:06:22,598 --> 01:06:24,917
And he goes,
"Why is it so sad?"

1542
01:06:25,017 --> 01:06:27,753
And he goes,
"Well, it's really...

1543
01:06:27,853 --> 01:06:30,213
"..been a while
out here in the desert,

1544
01:06:30,313 --> 01:06:32,257
"and there's no women, and...

1545
01:06:32,357 --> 01:06:35,927
"..so sometimes we...
take the camel and...

1546
01:06:36,027 --> 01:06:38,113
"..you know."

1547
01:06:38,613 --> 01:06:41,725
And he goes, "Oh. OK."

1548
01:06:41,825 --> 01:06:44,602
Anyway, so, a few days go past

1549
01:06:44,702 --> 01:06:47,080
and the captain sort of looks
at the camel and goes...

1550
01:06:48,206 --> 01:06:50,358
.."Nah. No, I'll be alright."

1551
01:06:50,458 --> 01:06:54,070
And then a couple of weeks
go past and he's like...

1552
01:06:54,170 --> 01:06:55,780
(INHALES SHARPLY) "OK, well...

1553
01:06:55,880 --> 01:06:57,448
"Nah, I'll be right.
No, it's OK."

1554
01:06:57,548 --> 01:07:01,285
And then a month later, he's
like, "Guys, grab that camel.

1555
01:07:01,385 --> 01:07:03,787
"Get it in the tent.
Get it in the tent now."

1556
01:07:03,887 --> 01:07:05,831
So, they take the camel
in the tent

1557
01:07:05,931 --> 01:07:08,375
and he's, like...gets his pants
down and he roots the camel

1558
01:07:08,475 --> 01:07:10,002
and he comes out and he goes,

1559
01:07:10,102 --> 01:07:11,879
"So, that's what we do
in the desert, is it?"

1560
01:07:11,979 --> 01:07:14,589
And the guys go, "We usually
just ride it into town

1561
01:07:14,689 --> 01:07:16,133
"and get a girl, but..."

1562
01:07:16,233 --> 01:07:18,051
(ALL LAUGH)

1563
01:07:18,151 --> 01:07:20,236
"..good on you."

1564
01:07:44,385 --> 01:07:48,722
♪ Let's go driving
on this highway

1565
01:07:50,182 --> 01:07:52,267
♪ Let me wander

1566
01:07:53,936 --> 01:07:56,646
♪ Far and wide

1567
01:07:59,733 --> 01:08:04,237
♪ Got my arm out of the window

1568
01:08:05,613 --> 01:08:11,661
♪ With my baggage on fire
by my side

1569
01:08:15,581 --> 01:08:20,653
♪ All I see is
this orange colour

1570
01:08:20,753 --> 01:08:23,255
♪ I see it glowing

1571
01:08:24,715 --> 01:08:28,244
♪ A burning blaze... ♪

1572
01:08:28,344 --> 01:08:30,162
SHANE: This old bloke lives
just down the road from us,

1573
01:08:30,262 --> 01:08:32,539
and he's getting on a bit, he
lost his wife a few years ago,

1574
01:08:32,639 --> 01:08:33,999
and I kind of help him out,

1575
01:08:34,099 --> 01:08:35,793
just taking the bins out
and a few things,

1576
01:08:35,893 --> 01:08:38,086
and just recently, we went
through daylight saving time

1577
01:08:38,186 --> 01:08:39,963
and it was the day after,

1578
01:08:40,063 --> 01:08:41,757
and I went in there, and he
leaves the front door open.

1579
01:08:41,857 --> 01:08:43,300
I said, "Are you there, Harold?
Are you there?"

1580
01:08:43,400 --> 01:08:44,801
And I couldn't hear anything,
and I walked in,

1581
01:08:44,901 --> 01:08:47,137
and when I walked in,
he was sitting on the couch

1582
01:08:47,237 --> 01:08:48,847
with some boot polish

1583
01:08:48,947 --> 01:08:51,683
and rubbing black boot polish
on his dick.

1584
01:08:51,783 --> 01:08:53,977
And I had to go,
"No, no, Harold!

1585
01:08:54,077 --> 01:08:55,937
"Harold, what I said was,

1586
01:08:56,037 --> 01:08:58,606
"'Don't forget to turn
your CLOCK BACK!'"

1587
01:08:58,706 --> 01:09:00,066
(ALL LAUGH)

1588
01:09:00,166 --> 01:09:02,860
- ♪ Better days
- ♪ Better days

1589
01:09:02,960 --> 01:09:05,988
♪ I can't keep going this way

1590
01:09:06,088 --> 01:09:10,092
♪ Something's gotta
help me stay

1591
01:09:11,510 --> 01:09:15,956
♪ With this world... ♪

1592
01:09:16,056 --> 01:09:18,667
TIM: There is a guy at this pub
and he is smashed.

1593
01:09:18,767 --> 01:09:21,503
He's never been this drunk
before, and he's a big drinker,

1594
01:09:21,603 --> 01:09:25,924
but he's completely,
apoplectically smashed.

1595
01:09:26,024 --> 01:09:28,218
And he says, "Righto,
can't drink any more.

1596
01:09:28,318 --> 01:09:29,511
"I'm going home!"

1597
01:09:29,611 --> 01:09:31,096
And all his mates
are shouting at him.

1598
01:09:31,196 --> 01:09:33,264
He's, "No, no, bugger off!
I'm going home!"

1599
01:09:33,364 --> 01:09:37,519
And he falls out of his chair
and drags himself to the door.

1600
01:09:37,619 --> 01:09:39,229
(GRUNTS)

1601
01:09:39,329 --> 01:09:40,647
Pushes the door open.

1602
01:09:40,747 --> 01:09:43,232
"No, no, shut up!
I'm not coming back in!"

1603
01:09:43,332 --> 01:09:44,650
And they're all shouting.

1604
01:09:44,750 --> 01:09:46,611
And he drags himself all
the way down to the highway.

1605
01:09:46,711 --> 01:09:49,155
And then, "Nneeeooowww!"
(GRUNTS)

1606
01:09:49,255 --> 01:09:51,490
"Nneeeooowww!"
He makes it across the highway.

1607
01:09:51,590 --> 01:09:53,826
He goes up the street,
down the street,

1608
01:09:53,926 --> 01:09:55,744
over a hill
and back down the hill,

1609
01:09:55,844 --> 01:09:58,455
finally gets to his...
to his place.

1610
01:09:58,555 --> 01:10:01,667
Pushes the door open
and then... (GRUNTS)

1611
01:10:01,767 --> 01:10:04,920
..drags himself up the stairs,
gets to his bed

1612
01:10:05,020 --> 01:10:07,297
and drags himself into the bed,

1613
01:10:07,397 --> 01:10:08,799
then goes, "Ohhh, man!"

1614
01:10:08,899 --> 01:10:10,717
And he falls back
and says to his wife,

1615
01:10:10,817 --> 01:10:14,179
"Oh! I'm so drunk!
I've never been this drunk!"

1616
01:10:14,279 --> 01:10:15,847
And she sits up and says,

1617
01:10:15,947 --> 01:10:19,476
"Yes, and you've left your
wheelchair at the pub again!"

1618
01:10:19,576 --> 01:10:21,644
(ALL LAUGH)

1619
01:10:21,744 --> 01:10:23,479
It's a wheelchair joke!

1620
01:10:23,579 --> 01:10:24,856
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

1621
01:10:24,956 --> 01:10:27,041
Don't leave the pub without it!

1622
01:10:28,084 --> 01:10:30,461
♪ If you only would

1623
01:10:32,254 --> 01:10:35,366
- ♪ Better days
- ♪ Better days

1624
01:10:35,466 --> 01:10:38,761
♪ I ain't got a dime
to call you... ♪

1625
01:10:40,054 --> 01:10:42,581
The hunchback of Notre Dame
goes to a party.

1626
01:10:42,681 --> 01:10:44,583
(LAUGHTER)

1627
01:10:44,683 --> 01:10:46,627
That's not it! That's not it...

1628
01:10:46,727 --> 01:10:48,503
It's very dark, it's very late

1629
01:10:48,603 --> 01:10:50,380
and he turns up to
the party a little bit late,

1630
01:10:50,480 --> 01:10:51,923
everyone's having a ball

1631
01:10:52,023 --> 01:10:54,342
and he sees
a really lovely-looking lady

1632
01:10:54,442 --> 01:10:56,428
across the room.

1633
01:10:56,528 --> 01:10:59,097
And he has a few drinks
and gets enough courage

1634
01:10:59,197 --> 01:11:00,932
and makes his way over, right?

1635
01:11:01,032 --> 01:11:02,934
(LAUGHTER)

1636
01:11:03,034 --> 01:11:05,562
This is my hunchback
impersonation. It's terrible.

1637
01:11:05,662 --> 01:11:07,563
Taps her on the shoulder.
(SLURS) "'Scuse me?!"

1638
01:11:07,663 --> 01:11:11,609
"Can I...? Can I take you
for a dance?"

1639
01:11:11,709 --> 01:11:14,528
And she's like,
"Oh! Oh, um, yep.

1640
01:11:14,628 --> 01:11:16,989
"Uh, yes! I'd love to dance!
Lovely!"

1641
01:11:17,089 --> 01:11:19,575
So, they dance throughout...

1642
01:11:19,675 --> 01:11:21,160
And he's a really good dancer.

1643
01:11:21,260 --> 01:11:22,953
Like, he's doing the worm,
the full bit.

1644
01:11:23,053 --> 01:11:24,580
(LAUGHTER)

1645
01:11:24,680 --> 01:11:27,040
And he says, "Can I get you a
drink? I can make you a drink?"

1646
01:11:27,140 --> 01:11:28,709
And she's like,
"That would be lovely."

1647
01:11:28,809 --> 01:11:30,419
She can barely see this guy
but she's like,

1648
01:11:30,519 --> 01:11:31,837
"Yeah, great. Sounds great."

1649
01:11:31,937 --> 01:11:33,463
He makes her a drink.
The night progresses.

1650
01:11:33,563 --> 01:11:36,174
He's made her many drinks,
they've had many dances,

1651
01:11:36,274 --> 01:11:37,843
and he's had
a few drinks himself

1652
01:11:37,943 --> 01:11:39,678
and thinks, "Alright, I'm
gonna...see if I can...

1653
01:11:39,778 --> 01:11:41,513
"I think I might be in here."

1654
01:11:41,613 --> 01:11:44,891
So, he goes, "Would you
consider coming home with me?"

1655
01:11:44,991 --> 01:11:46,559
And she's like...

1656
01:11:46,659 --> 01:11:49,270
She's a bit tanked, so she's
like, "Well... Yeah, alright.

1657
01:11:49,370 --> 01:11:51,189
"That sounds kind of fun.
Great. Yeah."

1658
01:11:51,289 --> 01:11:53,608
And, so, he wanders
out the front

1659
01:11:53,708 --> 01:11:56,068
and there's a hansom cab
waiting, naturally,

1660
01:11:56,168 --> 01:11:59,071
and he gets over to
the hansom cab and, um...

1661
01:11:59,171 --> 01:12:01,532
(BLOWS) ..tries to blow out
the candle. (BLOWS)

1662
01:12:01,632 --> 01:12:03,993
And "Sss! Sss!" Blows out
the candles, so she can't...

1663
01:12:04,093 --> 01:12:05,911
'Cause he's very conscious,

1664
01:12:06,011 --> 01:12:08,288
if she sees him,
she's not gonna come home.

1665
01:12:08,388 --> 01:12:11,834
So, they get in the hansom cab,
get back to Notre Dame.

1666
01:12:11,934 --> 01:12:15,379
She's like, "Oh, this is
enormous! Is this your place?"

1667
01:12:15,479 --> 01:12:17,422
He's like,
"Yeah, it's not bad!"

1668
01:12:17,522 --> 01:12:19,966
"I'm very sorry about
all the stairs."

1669
01:12:20,066 --> 01:12:21,927
She's like,
"Oh, no, that's OK."

1670
01:12:22,027 --> 01:12:24,721
So, they go up the stairs and
as they're going up the stairs,

1671
01:12:24,821 --> 01:12:27,390
he's... (BLOWS) .. trying
to blow out the candles...

1672
01:12:27,490 --> 01:12:30,852
"Sss! Sss!" Doing all the
candles on the way up.

1673
01:12:30,952 --> 01:12:32,854
They get to the top -
the view's spectacular.

1674
01:12:32,954 --> 01:12:35,064
She's like, "This is amazing."

1675
01:12:35,164 --> 01:12:37,525
He's like, "Yeah, it's not bad.

1676
01:12:37,625 --> 01:12:40,778
"Would you consider
having sex with me?"

1677
01:12:40,878 --> 01:12:42,613
And she's pretty tanked

1678
01:12:42,713 --> 01:12:44,949
and she's looking at the view,
she's in a great pad,

1679
01:12:45,049 --> 01:12:46,742
and she's like,
"Yeah, OK. Why not?

1680
01:12:46,842 --> 01:12:48,410
"Yeah, alright. Sounds good."

1681
01:12:48,510 --> 01:12:51,538
And, so, they go to bed
and they have really great sex.

1682
01:12:51,638 --> 01:12:54,083
Great...great sex. All night.

1683
01:12:54,183 --> 01:12:56,293
And they fall asleep
in each other's arms.

1684
01:12:56,393 --> 01:12:58,545
It's beautiful, very romantic.

1685
01:12:58,645 --> 01:13:03,592
The next morning, the sun
is coming through the window

1686
01:13:03,692 --> 01:13:06,761
and she is awoken
by the sunlight

1687
01:13:06,861 --> 01:13:09,723
and sort of sits up
and looks across

1688
01:13:09,823 --> 01:13:12,600
and discovers the hunchback

1689
01:13:12,700 --> 01:13:14,952
and what she's spent
the evening with...

1690
01:13:16,329 --> 01:13:18,648
..and... (RETCHES AND VOMITS)

1691
01:13:18,748 --> 01:13:20,358
She vomits everywhere.
Everywhere.

1692
01:13:20,458 --> 01:13:22,276
All over the doona,
the pillow, everywhere.

1693
01:13:22,376 --> 01:13:23,945
She's vomited everywhere.

1694
01:13:24,045 --> 01:13:26,822
He, of course, wakes up to the
sound of this woman vomiting,

1695
01:13:26,922 --> 01:13:29,158
turns over and goes, "Oh...

1696
01:13:29,258 --> 01:13:30,910
"Are you alright?"

1697
01:13:31,010 --> 01:13:32,870
And she says, "Oh..."
She's very polite.

1698
01:13:32,970 --> 01:13:35,039
"Oh, yes. I'm so sorry.

1699
01:13:35,139 --> 01:13:37,875
"I had a lot to drink.
The...the altitude...

1700
01:13:37,975 --> 01:13:40,002
"I've just...I've just
thrown up everywhere.

1701
01:13:40,102 --> 01:13:42,421
"I'm so sorry.
Just thrown up everywhere."

1702
01:13:42,521 --> 01:13:45,590
And he says, "Oh, that's OK.
Thank God.

1703
01:13:45,690 --> 01:13:47,843
"For a second I thought
my back had burst."

1704
01:13:47,943 --> 01:13:50,862
(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)

1705
01:13:57,702 --> 01:14:00,329
(THE MELTDOWN PLAYS
'HOW FUNNY IS
ANOTHER MAN'S PAIN?')

1706
01:14:25,395 --> 01:14:30,317
♪ I've seen blood
on your horizon

1707
01:14:31,568 --> 01:14:36,181
♪ I see hope in your eyes... ♪

1708
01:14:36,281 --> 01:14:38,183
This guy's waiting at a bar

1709
01:14:38,283 --> 01:14:40,059
and he's supposed to be
meeting a girl

1710
01:14:40,159 --> 01:14:42,353
and he's been waiting for about
an hour - a bit of a no-show.

1711
01:14:42,453 --> 01:14:44,105
And he's kind of used to
this happening

1712
01:14:44,205 --> 01:14:45,773
and he kind of thought,
"Oh, it's happened again."

1713
01:14:45,873 --> 01:14:47,650
And down the end of the bar,
there's another lady waiting

1714
01:14:47,750 --> 01:14:49,610
and he's noticed she's been
there for about the same time.

1715
01:14:49,710 --> 01:14:51,404
In the end, he's said, "Can
I buy the lady there a drink?

1716
01:14:51,504 --> 01:14:53,114
"I don't want to chat her up
or anything.

1717
01:14:53,214 --> 01:14:54,573
"It's just if she's going
through what I am,

1718
01:14:54,673 --> 01:14:56,283
"I know what it feels like,"
and just say,

1719
01:14:56,383 --> 01:14:58,285
"'From a man at the other end
of the bar. Nothing in it.'"

1720
01:14:58,385 --> 01:15:00,162
So, he buys her a drink and
the barman explains to her,

1721
01:15:00,262 --> 01:15:01,872
"It's from the guy
at the end of the bar."

1722
01:15:01,972 --> 01:15:03,624
And he doesn't go to her.
Another hour goes past.

1723
01:15:03,724 --> 01:15:05,626
And she thinks,
"God, he meant that."

1724
01:15:05,726 --> 01:15:07,085
Anyway, and they get chatting

1725
01:15:07,185 --> 01:15:08,795
and she kind of thinks,
"This is a nice guy."

1726
01:15:08,895 --> 01:15:10,547
So, she ends up
drinking too much

1727
01:15:10,647 --> 01:15:12,132
and she says, "Gosh, I was
supposed to drive home.

1728
01:15:12,232 --> 01:15:13,633
"I was only gonna
have a couple."

1729
01:15:13,733 --> 01:15:15,468
And he says, "If you want,
I live just round the corner."

1730
01:15:15,568 --> 01:15:17,053
"You're more than
welcome to stay the night."

1731
01:15:17,153 --> 01:15:18,596
So, he says,
"Look, I'm gonna be gone

1732
01:15:18,696 --> 01:15:20,056
"pretty early in the morning.

1733
01:15:20,156 --> 01:15:22,475
"You can stay in my room.
I'm gonna sleep on the couch."

1734
01:15:22,575 --> 01:15:24,143
And she thinks,
"This is a bit of a con."

1735
01:15:24,243 --> 01:15:25,937
But sure enough, he's putting
a doona on the couch

1736
01:15:26,037 --> 01:15:27,939
and, so, he leads her
into the room, opens the room,

1737
01:15:28,039 --> 01:15:29,440
and it's this beautiful room,

1738
01:15:29,540 --> 01:15:31,067
everything's neat as
you could ever imagine.

1739
01:15:31,167 --> 01:15:32,818
He goes back
and just gets on the couch

1740
01:15:32,918 --> 01:15:34,278
and puts the doona over.

1741
01:15:34,378 --> 01:15:36,197
And she's sitting there,
thinking, "Is this a con?"

1742
01:15:36,297 --> 01:15:38,491
Nup. Time goes by,
she looks in the room

1743
01:15:38,591 --> 01:15:40,993
and not only is it perfect,
but he's got all these shelves

1744
01:15:41,093 --> 01:15:43,120
and he's got, like, teddy bears
and they're arranged.

1745
01:15:43,220 --> 01:15:44,997
Everything is so neat.
They're arranged.

1746
01:15:45,097 --> 01:15:46,623
Like, the biggest teddies
on the top

1747
01:15:46,723 --> 01:15:48,083
and medium-sized one
on the middle

1748
01:15:48,183 --> 01:15:49,668
and little ones
down the bottom.

1749
01:15:49,768 --> 01:15:51,712
And she's like, "Oh, my God,
this is the nicest guy..."

1750
01:15:51,812 --> 01:15:53,505
She said, "I'm just gonna
go and ask him

1751
01:15:53,605 --> 01:15:55,173
"if he'd like to stay
in the room with me."

1752
01:15:55,273 --> 01:15:56,800
So, "If you would like to
have sex,

1753
01:15:56,900 --> 01:15:58,802
"I think you're the right sort
of person I should do it with."

1754
01:15:58,902 --> 01:16:00,679
Well, to her surprise, it goes
for an hour and a half.

1755
01:16:00,779 --> 01:16:04,140
It is the best sex she has
ever had in her life,

1756
01:16:04,240 --> 01:16:05,934
and she is exhausted.

1757
01:16:06,034 --> 01:16:07,518
At the end, she's collapsed.

1758
01:16:07,618 --> 01:16:09,187
She's sweated
all she can sweat.

1759
01:16:09,287 --> 01:16:10,813
There's no more swear words.

1760
01:16:10,913 --> 01:16:12,607
She cannot lay her tongue
to another swear word.

1761
01:16:12,707 --> 01:16:14,192
It's been so amazing.

1762
01:16:14,292 --> 01:16:16,944
And she goes, "Oh!
That was amazing!"

1763
01:16:17,044 --> 01:16:18,487
"How good was that?!"

1764
01:16:18,587 --> 01:16:21,740
And he said, "Yeah, yeah,
it was pretty good.

1765
01:16:21,840 --> 01:16:23,576
"Anything from
the bottom shelf."

1766
01:16:23,676 --> 01:16:27,012
(LAUGHTER)

1767
01:16:29,097 --> 01:16:31,792
A bit of a carny joke there.
Sorry, folks.

1768
01:16:31,892 --> 01:16:34,169
- ♪ Funny
- ♪ Funny

1769
01:16:34,269 --> 01:16:36,046
♪ Ooh-hoo

1770
01:16:36,146 --> 01:16:38,799
♪ Is another man's pain?

1771
01:16:38,899 --> 01:16:41,651
♪ Oh, another man's pain

1772
01:16:50,118 --> 01:16:53,187
One of the richest guys in
Australia. He's met everybody.

1773
01:16:53,287 --> 01:16:54,939
He's been invited
to everything!

1774
01:16:55,039 --> 01:16:56,858
But he hasn't met the Pope.

1775
01:16:56,958 --> 01:17:00,027
So, first-class,
over to the Vatican he goes.

1776
01:17:00,127 --> 01:17:02,238
And he, uh, decks himself out.

1777
01:17:02,338 --> 01:17:04,490
He's got the best suit,
the best haircut,

1778
01:17:04,590 --> 01:17:06,825
the best shoes, the works -
he's gonna meet the Pope.

1779
01:17:06,925 --> 01:17:09,912
And he gets to the front of the
line outside of the Vatican,

1780
01:17:10,012 --> 01:17:12,039
where everyone waits
for the Pope to come out.

1781
01:17:12,139 --> 01:17:16,001
And there's a guy next to him -
he's homeless, filthy, stank!

1782
01:17:16,101 --> 01:17:19,504
And the Popemobile
comes out into the, um...

1783
01:17:19,604 --> 01:17:21,006
..Pope area...

1784
01:17:21,106 --> 01:17:25,010
(LAUGHTER)

1785
01:17:25,110 --> 01:17:27,929
- The Potpourri.
- The Potpourri.

1786
01:17:28,029 --> 01:17:31,141
And he gets out of the
Popemobile and he heads over,

1787
01:17:31,241 --> 01:17:34,227
but he goes to
the filthy homeless man.

1788
01:17:34,327 --> 01:17:37,830
And he whispers to him,
and the homeless man says...

1789
01:17:39,540 --> 01:17:41,317
And he pisses off, the Pope.

1790
01:17:41,417 --> 01:17:43,027
(LAUGHTER)

1791
01:17:43,127 --> 01:17:44,737
And the next morning,
tries again

1792
01:17:44,837 --> 01:17:46,405
but this time, he finds
the homeless guy

1793
01:17:46,505 --> 01:17:48,157
and he gives him 50 bucks

1794
01:17:48,257 --> 01:17:52,703
and he says, "Give me all
your clothes and...piss off."

1795
01:17:52,803 --> 01:17:55,748
And, so, he wears
the homeless guy's clothes

1796
01:17:55,848 --> 01:17:58,500
and...puts dirt
all over himself

1797
01:17:58,600 --> 01:18:00,335
and the Popemobile comes out

1798
01:18:00,435 --> 01:18:02,295
and, sure enough, the Pope
gets out of the Popemobile

1799
01:18:02,395 --> 01:18:03,964
and he comes over to this guy

1800
01:18:04,064 --> 01:18:05,799
who's dressed up
as a homeless man

1801
01:18:05,899 --> 01:18:07,717
and he grabs him by the...

1802
01:18:07,817 --> 01:18:09,552
..just touches him on the back
of the head so beautifully

1803
01:18:09,652 --> 01:18:11,137
and he says,

1804
01:18:11,237 --> 01:18:12,847
"I thought I told you
to fuck off yesterday."

1805
01:18:12,947 --> 01:18:16,242
(LAUGHTER)

1806
01:18:18,745 --> 01:18:22,582
('HOW FUNNY IS ANOTHER
MAN'S PAIN?' CONTINUES)

1807
01:18:32,299 --> 01:18:34,201
♪ Well, the man... ♪

1808
01:18:34,301 --> 01:18:35,703
This bloke runs a business.

1809
01:18:35,803 --> 01:18:37,454
Been running it 20 years.
Goes alright.

1810
01:18:37,554 --> 01:18:40,374
And one day, he's standing
behind the counter

1811
01:18:40,474 --> 01:18:42,376
and he hears this voice
from the heavens.

1812
01:18:42,476 --> 01:18:45,395
"Sell the business
for $3 million."

1813
01:18:46,771 --> 01:18:48,298
"What?"

1814
01:18:48,398 --> 01:18:50,258
"Sell the business
for $3 million."

1815
01:18:50,358 --> 01:18:51,843
Don't know where
the voice is coming from.

1816
01:18:51,943 --> 01:18:53,511
Thinks he's half-pissed.
Doesn't listen.

1817
01:18:53,611 --> 01:18:55,305
Next day, he's back at work.
The voice is back.

1818
01:18:55,405 --> 01:18:58,099
"Sell the business
for $3 million."

1819
01:18:58,199 --> 01:18:59,976
He said,
"Who the bloody hell is...?"

1820
01:19:00,076 --> 01:19:03,479
"Don't worry who it is. Sell
the business for $3 million."

1821
01:19:03,579 --> 01:19:05,273
So, he ignores it again.

1822
01:19:05,373 --> 01:19:07,400
Three weeks have gone by, every
day, the bloody voice is back.

1823
01:19:07,500 --> 01:19:09,235
"Sell the business
for $3 million."

1824
01:19:09,335 --> 01:19:11,028
So, on the third week, he goes,
"Alright, bugger it.

1825
01:19:11,128 --> 01:19:12,822
"I'll sell it." Rings up
the real estate agent.

1826
01:19:12,922 --> 01:19:14,448
"I want to sell my business."
"No worries.

1827
01:19:14,548 --> 01:19:16,200
"How much you want?"
"$3 million." "Beautiful."

1828
01:19:16,300 --> 01:19:17,868
They got him the cash.
And he said, "What now?"

1829
01:19:17,968 --> 01:19:19,495
The voice said,
"Go to the casino."

1830
01:19:19,595 --> 01:19:21,455
"Go to the casino?
I'm not a gambling man."

1831
01:19:21,555 --> 01:19:24,041
He said, "Go to the casino
and take the $3 million."

1832
01:19:24,141 --> 01:19:27,169
So, he goes to the casino
with the $3 million

1833
01:19:27,269 --> 01:19:29,087
and he lobs there,
and the voice says,

1834
01:19:29,187 --> 01:19:31,882
"Now, go to the roulette wheel
in the corner.

1835
01:19:31,982 --> 01:19:34,134
"The one over there."
He's gone over there.

1836
01:19:34,234 --> 01:19:36,052
He said, "Take the $3 million
to the cash desk."

1837
01:19:36,152 --> 01:19:38,513
Listening to this voice,
walking around the joint.

1838
01:19:38,613 --> 01:19:41,182
"What now?" "Go to the cash
desk with the $3 million."

1839
01:19:41,282 --> 01:19:42,892
He's gone with the $3 million
to the cash desk.

1840
01:19:42,992 --> 01:19:44,602
They've given it to him
in chips.

1841
01:19:44,702 --> 01:19:46,604
He's gone back over to
the roulette wheel. "What now?"

1842
01:19:46,704 --> 01:19:48,689
The voice said, "Trust me.

1843
01:19:48,789 --> 01:19:51,943
"Put it on 22 black.
Everything. $3 million.

1844
01:19:52,043 --> 01:19:53,819
"On 22 black."

1845
01:19:53,919 --> 01:19:55,988
He said, "Alright,
I've come this far. Bugger it."

1846
01:19:56,088 --> 01:19:57,990
And he's whacked it all
on 22 black.

1847
01:19:58,090 --> 01:19:59,575
Bloke's spun the wheel.

1848
01:19:59,675 --> 01:20:01,118
1 red.

1849
01:20:01,218 --> 01:20:02,745
And the voice said...

1850
01:20:02,845 --> 01:20:04,413
"Shit!"

1851
01:20:04,513 --> 01:20:08,100
(LAUGHTER)

1852
01:20:18,318 --> 01:20:22,071
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

1853
01:20:25,575 --> 01:20:28,244
(CHEERING FADES)

1854
01:20:29,454 --> 01:20:33,624
(JAZZ PIANO INTRO)

1855
01:20:36,335 --> 01:20:38,320
♪ Look for

1856
01:20:38,420 --> 01:20:41,490
♪ The silver lining

1857
01:20:41,590 --> 01:20:44,451
♪ Whenever a cloud

1858
01:20:44,551 --> 01:20:48,247
♪ Appears in the blue

1859
01:20:48,347 --> 01:20:51,625
♪ Just remember, somewhere

1860
01:20:51,725 --> 01:20:55,462
♪ The sun is shining

1861
01:20:55,562 --> 01:20:58,840
♪ And so the right thing

1862
01:20:58,940 --> 01:21:00,508
♪ To do

1863
01:21:00,608 --> 01:21:03,970
♪ Is make it shine for you

1864
01:21:04,070 --> 01:21:05,597
♪ A heart full

1865
01:21:05,697 --> 01:21:09,309
♪ Of joy and gladness

1866
01:21:09,409 --> 01:21:12,270
♪ Will always banish

1867
01:21:12,370 --> 01:21:16,440
♪ Sadness and strife

1868
01:21:16,540 --> 01:21:20,194
♪ So, always look for

1869
01:21:20,294 --> 01:21:23,614
♪ The silver lining

1870
01:21:23,714 --> 01:21:26,408
♪ And try to find

1871
01:21:26,508 --> 01:21:29,953
♪ The sunny side of life... ♪

1872
01:21:30,053 --> 01:21:31,413
The Queen, uh...

1873
01:21:31,513 --> 01:21:33,415
Remember the guy who breaks
into the Queen's bedroom?

1874
01:21:33,515 --> 01:21:36,168
Years ago, this guy broke in
through the Queen's window.

1875
01:21:36,268 --> 01:21:38,003
He's sitting at
the end of her bed

1876
01:21:38,103 --> 01:21:40,172
and he says to the Queen, uh,

1877
01:21:40,272 --> 01:21:42,090
"Go on, show me your tits."

1878
01:21:42,190 --> 01:21:44,134
And the Queen goes,
"No, I will not.

1879
01:21:44,234 --> 01:21:46,052
"I shouldn't even
be doing this."

1880
01:21:46,152 --> 01:21:47,804
(LAUGHTER)

1881
01:21:47,904 --> 01:21:51,366
(JAZZ MUSIC CONTINUES)

1882
01:21:59,665 --> 01:22:02,318
♪ Oh, look for

1883
01:22:02,418 --> 01:22:06,614
♪ The silver lining

1884
01:22:06,714 --> 01:22:09,033
♪ Whenever a cloud

1885
01:22:09,133 --> 01:22:12,995
♪ Appears in the blue

1886
01:22:13,095 --> 01:22:16,623
♪ Just remember, somewhere

1887
01:22:16,723 --> 01:22:20,335
♪ The sun is shining

1888
01:22:20,435 --> 01:22:24,631
♪ And so the right thing

1889
01:22:24,731 --> 01:22:26,299
♪ To do

1890
01:22:26,399 --> 01:22:29,135
♪ Is make it shine for you

1891
01:22:29,235 --> 01:22:31,304
♪ A heart full

1892
01:22:31,404 --> 01:22:35,391
♪ Of joy and gladness

1893
01:22:35,491 --> 01:22:38,186
♪ Will always banish

1894
01:22:38,286 --> 01:22:42,732
♪ Sadness and strife

1895
01:22:42,832 --> 01:22:46,068
♪ So, always look for

1896
01:22:46,168 --> 01:22:49,572
♪ The silver lining

1897
01:22:49,672 --> 01:22:52,283
♪ And try to find

1898
01:22:52,383 --> 01:22:56,703
♪ The sunny side of life

1899
01:22:56,803 --> 01:22:59,498
♪ Oh, just try to find

1900
01:22:59,598 --> 01:23:08,632
♪ The sunny side of life. ♪

1901
01:23:08,732 --> 01:23:11,693
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

1902
01:23:20,701 --> 01:23:23,788
(BLUES ROCK MUSIC)

1903
01:23:40,762 --> 01:23:42,848
♪ Baby

1904
01:23:43,515 --> 01:23:45,292
♪ I know

1905
01:23:45,392 --> 01:23:47,669
♪ I got nothing good

1906
01:23:47,769 --> 01:23:50,255
♪ To show

1907
01:23:50,355 --> 01:23:52,799
♪ I'm hoping you call

1908
01:23:52,899 --> 01:23:54,426
♪ My name

1909
01:23:54,526 --> 01:23:58,112
♪ I got what you want
all the same

1910
01:24:17,047 --> 01:24:21,994
♪ 'Cause I've been searching
for the answers

1911
01:24:22,094 --> 01:24:26,748
♪ And I've been looking
all night long

1912
01:24:26,848 --> 01:24:31,253
♪ Yeah, I've been searching
for the answers

1913
01:24:31,353 --> 01:24:35,440
♪ But I'm right
where I belong... ♪

1914
01:24:47,243 --> 01:24:49,395
I was in a restaurant
the other night with me missus,

1915
01:24:49,495 --> 01:24:51,397
and she knocked her drink over.

1916
01:24:51,497 --> 01:24:53,232
I called the waiter over
and I said,

1917
01:24:53,332 --> 01:24:54,817
"My wife just knocked
her drink over."

1918
01:24:54,917 --> 01:24:56,819
He said, "I'm sorry, sir.
I'll get you another one."

1919
01:24:56,919 --> 01:24:59,238
I said, "Beauty. Make sure
the next one likes footy."

1920
01:24:59,338 --> 01:25:01,423
(LAUGHS) Oh, my...

1921
01:25:02,466 --> 01:25:04,535
(SIGHS)

1922
01:25:04,635 --> 01:25:06,120
This morning,
I accidentally swallowed

1923
01:25:06,220 --> 01:25:07,371
a bunch of Scrabble tiles.

1924
01:25:07,471 --> 01:25:09,039
My next trip to the bathroom

1925
01:25:09,139 --> 01:25:10,874
could spell disaster.

1926
01:25:10,974 --> 01:25:14,419
(LAUGHS)

1927
01:25:14,519 --> 01:25:17,714
I had bad sunburn,
so I started taking Viagra.

1928
01:25:17,814 --> 01:25:20,258
Didn't help, but it kept the
sheets off me legs at night.

1929
01:25:20,358 --> 01:25:22,093
(LAUGHS)

1930
01:25:22,193 --> 01:25:23,887
♪ Down by the river

1931
01:25:23,987 --> 01:25:26,306
♪ Today

1932
01:25:26,406 --> 01:25:28,349
♪ I saw my old friends

1933
01:25:28,449 --> 01:25:30,727
♪ As they washed away

1934
01:25:30,827 --> 01:25:32,895
♪ I listened to the wind

1935
01:25:32,995 --> 01:25:34,939
♪ Carry your name

1936
01:25:35,039 --> 01:25:38,609
♪ I got what you want
all the same

1937
01:25:38,709 --> 01:25:43,864
♪ 'Cause I've been searching
for the answers

1938
01:25:43,964 --> 01:25:48,494
♪ I've been looking
all night long

1939
01:25:48,594 --> 01:25:52,998
♪ Yeah, I've been searching
for the answers

1940
01:25:53,098 --> 01:25:57,144
♪ But I'm right where I belong

1941
01:25:59,020 --> 01:26:02,774
(HARMONICA SOLO)

1942
01:26:28,298 --> 01:26:30,451
♪ 'Cause I've been searching

1943
01:26:30,551 --> 01:26:33,162
♪ For the answers

1944
01:26:33,262 --> 01:26:35,122
♪ I've been looking

1945
01:26:35,222 --> 01:26:37,457
♪ All night long

1946
01:26:37,557 --> 01:26:39,751
♪ Yeah, I've been searching

1947
01:26:39,851 --> 01:26:42,587
♪ For the answers

1948
01:26:42,687 --> 01:26:44,089
♪ 'Cause I'm right

1949
01:26:44,189 --> 01:26:46,007
♪ Where I belong

1950
01:26:46,107 --> 01:26:47,467
♪ Oh-oh

1951
01:26:47,567 --> 01:26:49,260
♪ 'Cause I'm searching

1952
01:26:49,360 --> 01:26:51,721
♪ For the answers

1953
01:26:51,821 --> 01:26:56,601
♪ Yeah, I'm looking
all night long

1954
01:26:56,701 --> 01:26:58,686
♪ Yeah, I am searching

1955
01:26:58,786 --> 01:27:00,730
♪ For the answers

1956
01:27:00,830 --> 01:27:02,565
♪ 'Cause I'm right

1957
01:27:02,665 --> 01:27:04,750
♪ Where I belong. ♪