1
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(改編自實際謠言)

2
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馬修

3
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馬修

4
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- 什麼?
- 媽的,伍迪

5
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我睡不著,我好期待明天

6
00:00:39,540 --> 00:00:43,335
我幫你帶了點低升糖的微氣泡香檳

7
00:00:43,418 --> 00:00:45,629
不用,我真的得好好睡一覺

8
00:00:45,712 --> 00:00:47,714
兄弟,不是每天都有這等大事
我最好的朋友

9
00:00:47,798 --> 00:00:51,510
要在全國電視宣布投入州長選舉

10
00:00:51,593 --> 00:00:53,345
儘管我深信

11
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政府應該由女性長老議會來管理

12
00:00:56,348 --> 00:01:00,769
而且我要等每種動物都有投票權
才要投票,但我支持你

13
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不論你需要什麼,都可以仰賴我

14
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- 好喔,兄弟,謝了
- 你真讓我驕傲

15
00:01:05,732 --> 00:01:07,818
伍迪,你真的很用心,但我們累斃了

16
00:01:07,901 --> 00:01:09,820
薇兒,抱歉,我不知道妳醒著

17
00:01:09,903 --> 00:01:11,280
妳要喝香檳嗎?

18
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跟你們說,我覺得你們好像想繼續睡覺

19
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州長先生,我這就跟你道晚安了

20
00:01:21,498 --> 00:01:23,458
州長太太,晚安

21
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我真想坐在這裡看你們睡覺

22
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可以不要嗎?

23
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天啊,看看你們倆

24
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好

25
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《無間兄弟情》

26
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今天過後,一切都會改變,妳感覺如何?

27
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是啊,我很期待,我沒見過布萊恩威廉斯

28
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- 妳要穿什麼?
- 就穿這套

29
00:03:22,536 --> 00:03:26,915
嘿,真希望我能帶妳
出門一個週末,幫妳大改造

30
00:03:27,416 --> 00:03:29,585
整個從零開始

31
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要不是我們活在父權制度下
妳有機會當上下一任德州州長

32
00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:33,881
真的?

33
00:03:34,923 --> 00:03:37,885
假的,我話說到一半就有點後悔了

34
00:03:37,968 --> 00:03:40,053
我的德州藍帽花束死去哪了?

35
00:03:40,679 --> 00:03:42,681
妳是要我從花藝店訂貨嗎?可以啊

36
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是我媽,她是花藝師,她超白痴的

37
00:03:45,809 --> 00:03:48,729
黛博拉,妳要是不在20分鐘內抵達
我他媽就要開除...

38
00:03:50,689 --> 00:03:52,566
搞屁啊?

39
00:03:52,649 --> 00:03:53,942
天啊,有死亡的氣息

40
00:03:55,485 --> 00:03:56,486
搞屁...

41
00:03:58,280 --> 00:04:00,365
薇兒,幫我撿鞋子,幫我撿

42
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伍迪

43
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- 伍迪
- 歐文嗎?

44
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你有聞到嗎?

45
00:04:20,761 --> 00:04:23,013
我昨晚原本要把垃圾拿出去...

46
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小凱,妳可以把垃圾拿出去嗎?

47
00:04:27,434 --> 00:04:31,188
- 我在睡覺
- 那妳可以邊睡邊拿嗎?

48
00:04:31,939 --> 00:04:33,690
老人需要休息

49
00:04:38,654 --> 00:04:39,988
嘿,小凱

50
00:04:43,617 --> 00:04:45,202
- 我的女王
- 我的小懷特

51
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嘿,我幫妳拿

52
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- 不用,我拿就好
- 我堅持要拿

53
00:04:47,788 --> 00:04:49,831
騎士精神不死

54
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糟糕,抱歉

55
00:04:51,166 --> 00:04:55,128
{\an8}這是可堆肥垃圾袋,用面紙做的

56
00:04:55,212 --> 00:04:56,672
當嬉皮的樂趣之一

57
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天啊,誇張耶,是我爸的信

58
00:05:02,553 --> 00:05:04,972
他這幾週都在騷擾郵差

59
00:05:05,055 --> 00:05:08,433
- 結果他居然不小心把信丟掉
- 我可以拿去給他

60
00:05:09,017 --> 00:05:10,519
好啊,讓你當英雄

61
00:05:10,602 --> 00:05:11,937
好

62
00:05:12,020 --> 00:05:15,274
是哪個混帳東西把屎灌進穀倉?

63
00:05:16,942 --> 00:05:21,196
我不喜歡被人誣賴
我也不喜歡妳的語氣,懂嗎?

64
00:05:21,822 --> 00:05:23,615
誰知道究竟發生什麼事?

65
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我的老天爺

66
00:05:24,950 --> 00:05:25,951
對,說得沒錯

67
00:05:26,034 --> 00:05:28,829
現在有一條屎河從你們在山丘上的巴士

68
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流進馬修即將接受
布萊恩威廉斯訪問的穀倉

69
00:05:32,207 --> 00:05:33,625
就在一小時後

70
00:05:33,709 --> 00:05:35,335
妳怎麼只穿一隻鞋?

71
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你怎麼穿兩隻鞋?
幹嘛不穿個三、四、五隻?

72
00:05:37,546 --> 00:05:39,590
懂我的感覺了嗎?不要亂問

73
00:05:40,424 --> 00:05:42,509
- 天啊,不,小伍迪
- 伍迪

74
00:05:42,593 --> 00:05:45,262
小伍...走開...那是便便,不是水水

75
00:05:45,345 --> 00:05:46,638
牠很喜歡耶

76
00:05:46,722 --> 00:05:48,932
媽咪,妳有看到小伍迪很喜歡嗎?

77
00:05:49,016 --> 00:05:50,726
- 有,寶貝,我看到了
- 走開,小伍迪

78
00:05:50,809 --> 00:05:52,936
不如把訪問地點改在家裡?

79
00:05:53,020 --> 00:05:54,605
你們家裡?那裡的...

80
00:05:54,688 --> 00:05:57,232
裝潢風格,再配上那些傢俱和藝術品?

81
00:05:57,316 --> 00:06:00,027
如果是播客或電台之類的,或許可行

82
00:06:00,110 --> 00:06:01,987
只要是沒出動攝影機的訪談都行

83
00:06:03,530 --> 00:06:04,531
但...很抱歉

84
00:06:05,490 --> 00:06:06,783
“追求完美就不出色”

85
00:06:07,618 --> 00:06:08,827
“追求完美就不出色”

86
00:06:09,745 --> 00:06:11,121
“追求完美就不出色”

87
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嘿,伍迪叔叔

88
00:06:13,290 --> 00:06:15,167
- 我找到一封你的信
- 不...

89
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不...放在流理檯上就好

90
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我吃早餐時再看

91
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- 不行...
- 馬修在哪?

92
00:06:22,174 --> 00:06:24,593
我去找他,他遇上什麼問題都能解決

93
00:06:24,676 --> 00:06:26,637
誰在烤肉呀?

94
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爸

95
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爸

96
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欸,爸

97
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我真受不了你耶,伍迪

98
00:06:40,776 --> 00:06:43,820
所以幾千年前才會發明水管

99
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- 麥媽媽,不是我害的
- 大家早安

100
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- 他來了
- 在山丘上鄉村健行

101
00:06:48,659 --> 00:06:50,285
就是大日子的最佳開端

102
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過來,小伍迪,來呀,狗狗

103
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- 不,小伍迪,不要
- 過來

104
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- 離狗遠一點
- 很好...

105
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- 離狗遠一點
- 馬修,不

106
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- 給我親親,謝謝
- 那隻狗剛才在舔屎

107
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老天爺,救救我們

108
00:07:03,757 --> 00:07:06,885
你們能想像
我以前竟然不喜歡這個小傢伙嗎?

109
00:07:06,969 --> 00:07:08,554
- 對
- 我覺得你應該

110
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不要把臉靠近牠的舌頭

111
00:07:18,230 --> 00:07:19,773
好,他要出來了

112
00:07:19,857 --> 00:07:22,025
就跟他說他很帥,不要...

113
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看他的眼睛

114
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好

115
00:07:27,948 --> 00:07:29,783
- 怎麼樣?
- 天啊

116
00:07:29,867 --> 00:07:32,119
- 爸
- 爸,你帥斃了

117
00:07:32,911 --> 00:07:34,329
不對,你簡直慘斃了

118
00:07:34,413 --> 00:07:37,791
好,這不利於參選,但我要撤掉這場訪談

119
00:07:37,875 --> 00:07:39,543
真不敢相信我為此做了屁眼除毛

120
00:07:39,626 --> 00:07:41,086
我就想說大家都去哪...

121
00:07:41,170 --> 00:07:45,007
天啊,該不會是我的素食便便
害你的眼窩變成那樣吧?

122
00:07:45,674 --> 00:07:47,676
各位,等一下,我們深呼吸

123
00:07:48,594 --> 00:07:50,596
先確定我們沒有誇大

124
00:07:50,679 --> 00:07:52,347
整個情況的嚴重性

125
00:07:52,431 --> 00:07:54,766
誰沒長過針眼啊?

126
00:07:54,850 --> 00:07:57,811
對吧?我們確定真的只要
關注發炎的地方嗎?

127
00:07:57,895 --> 00:08:00,105
還是要把這當成

128
00:08:00,981 --> 00:08:01,982
一個好機會?

129
00:08:02,065 --> 00:08:04,276
葛雯,妳這幾週來是怎麼跟我說的?

130
00:08:04,359 --> 00:08:06,653
妳說我不能只靠這張帥臉

131
00:08:06,737 --> 00:08:08,947
好啊,妳看看,現在不帥了吧?

132
00:08:10,032 --> 00:08:15,579
這是一張勇於面對逆境的臉

133
00:08:15,662 --> 00:08:18,165
- 好喔
- 德州人不希望州長

134
00:08:18,248 --> 00:08:21,168
每次遇上危機就跑去躲起來

135
00:08:21,251 --> 00:08:24,171
不,他們要的是一位
會在艱難時刻挺身而出

136
00:08:24,254 --> 00:08:25,756
直視大家眼睛的州長

137
00:08:25,839 --> 00:08:26,965
- 不...
- 對吧?

138
00:08:27,049 --> 00:08:28,383
- 這其實挺天才的
- 對

139
00:08:28,467 --> 00:08:29,885
他不過就是眼睛沾到一點屎嘛

140
00:08:29,968 --> 00:08:31,720
- 一點狗屎又怎樣?
- 他不完美

141
00:08:31,803 --> 00:08:33,429
- 他跟凡人沒兩樣
- 這很討人喜歡

142
00:08:33,514 --> 00:08:36,099
他很鄉村、風趣、新鮮、無畏、性感又...

143
00:08:36,183 --> 00:08:37,433
這是天上掉下來的禮物...

144
00:08:38,018 --> 00:08:39,019
是選戰的意外之喜

145
00:08:39,102 --> 00:08:40,812
好,誰要吃煎鬆餅?

146
00:08:40,895 --> 00:08:42,063
我

147
00:08:43,023 --> 00:08:45,067
我認真覺得他不該下廚

148
00:08:45,150 --> 00:08:46,735
對,不行...

149
00:08:46,818 --> 00:08:48,695
馬修認為自己能將任何事化腐朽為神奇

150
00:08:48,779 --> 00:08:51,156
但他絕不能頂著那張臉上全國電視

151
00:08:51,240 --> 00:08:53,283
薇兒,我現在不需要妳來指手畫腳

152
00:08:53,367 --> 00:08:55,994
妳很負能量,還跟不上進度,真的是...

153
00:08:56,078 --> 00:08:57,996
現在長針眼就是有贏面

154
00:08:58,080 --> 00:08:59,456
小朋友們會看著電視心想

155
00:08:59,540 --> 00:09:02,167
“真希望我眼睛也沾到一點便便
這樣臉就會生病

156
00:09:02,251 --> 00:09:04,294
跟我最喜歡的影星馬修麥康納一樣”

157
00:09:04,378 --> 00:09:07,214
整個選戰行程是以今天為中心打造而成

158
00:09:07,297 --> 00:09:08,549
我們非上不可

159
00:09:08,632 --> 00:09:11,593
好,布萊恩威廉斯
再半小時就會抵達,妳得去換裝

160
00:09:11,677 --> 00:09:13,095
我已經換好了

161
00:09:15,138 --> 00:09:16,682
妳他媽真的超搞笑

162
00:09:17,808 --> 00:09:19,351
應該去演單口相聲才對

163
00:09:19,977 --> 00:09:21,144
而且要在全世界巡迴演出

164
00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:22,896
快去換裝

165
00:09:24,147 --> 00:09:25,816
妳怎會允許她那樣跟妳說話?

166
00:09:25,899 --> 00:09:28,277
沒差啦,不能讓馬修接受這場專訪

167
00:09:28,360 --> 00:09:31,238
- 得阻止他害死自己
- 交給我處理

168
00:09:31,321 --> 00:09:32,406
要怎麼做?

169
00:09:32,489 --> 00:09:37,619
若要有專訪,就得有人來專訪

170
00:09:37,703 --> 00:09:39,079
你想表達什麼?

171
00:09:39,162 --> 00:09:40,789
等我處理完他的事

172
00:09:40,873 --> 00:09:43,208
布萊恩威廉斯會希望長針眼的是他

173
00:09:43,292 --> 00:09:45,169
但你不會傷到他吧?

174
00:09:45,252 --> 00:09:46,920
妳知道得越少越好

175
00:09:49,047 --> 00:09:50,299
天啊,我做了什麼?

176
00:09:51,258 --> 00:09:55,262
嘴唇、牙齒、舌尖

177
00:09:55,345 --> 00:09:57,806
愛爾蘭腕錶

178
00:09:57,890 --> 00:10:00,309
瑞士腕錶

179
00:10:00,392 --> 00:10:04,354
嘴唇、牙齒、舌尖

180
00:10:04,438 --> 00:10:06,815
愛爾蘭腕錶、瑞士腕錶

181
00:10:06,899 --> 00:10:09,943
我們能再複習一次計畫嗎?
我不太懂要扮演什麼角色

182
00:10:10,027 --> 00:10:12,821
他以為我們要載他去牧場之類的

183
00:10:12,905 --> 00:10:16,491
但我們必須儘量拖時間

184
00:10:16,575 --> 00:10:17,784
所以我們要綁架他?

185
00:10:17,868 --> 00:10:20,370
- 不,不能這樣說,這...
- 嘿,兩位,不好意思

186
00:10:20,454 --> 00:10:21,997
- 抱歉打擾了,我...
- 不會

187
00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:26,710
我要是不做發聲練習,訪問時就會出亂子

188
00:10:26,793 --> 00:10:29,296
我叫布萊恩威廉斯,你們呢?

189
00:10:29,379 --> 00:10:30,380
我是畢米

190
00:10:30,923 --> 00:10:32,257
- 好,幸會
- 是啊

191
00:10:32,341 --> 00:10:34,384
這位是我同事波莉芙

192
00:10:35,177 --> 00:10:38,347
- 我朋友都叫我奧莉芙
- 奧莉芙,好的

193
00:10:38,430 --> 00:10:40,057
我們是製作助理

194
00:10:40,140 --> 00:10:43,977
製作助理是每個企劃的支柱

195
00:10:44,061 --> 00:10:47,397
- 是啊
- 牧場距離這裡有多遠?

196
00:10:49,483 --> 00:10:51,860
那邊正在進行很多建設...

197
00:10:51,944 --> 00:10:54,446
- 路況也很塞
- 所以可能得繞點路

198
00:10:54,530 --> 00:10:56,990
畢米,這不成問題吧?你是這邊的人嗎?

199
00:10:57,074 --> 00:11:00,160
不是,其實我在加州唸書

200
00:11:00,244 --> 00:11:02,746
是南加大
加州大學洛杉磯分校,還是史丹佛?

201
00:11:02,829 --> 00:11:05,165
- 拉布雷亞
- 我不知道那所學校

202
00:11:05,249 --> 00:11:06,750
拉布雷亞調酒學院

203
00:11:06,834 --> 00:11:08,252
我的雙親都是校友

204
00:11:08,335 --> 00:11:11,755
所以我壓力很大,得要追隨他們的腳步

205
00:11:11,839 --> 00:11:13,423
但是,我原本是那裡的學生

206
00:11:13,507 --> 00:11:16,969
我最近休學了,因為我要追隨
我一生的摯愛來奧斯汀

207
00:11:17,761 --> 00:11:19,638
等等,什麼?你休學了?

208
00:11:19,721 --> 00:11:21,348
其實是協議離校

209
00:11:21,431 --> 00:11:23,642
我們對於髒馬丁尼有不同見解

210
00:11:23,725 --> 00:11:28,814
聽起來你們是認真談感情
而不是逢場作戲吧?

211
00:11:28,897 --> 00:11:30,440
布萊恩,別逼我開始抱怨

212
00:11:30,524 --> 00:11:32,734
不會,我最愛看戲了

213
00:11:33,569 --> 00:11:36,446
很抱歉這得在屋內採訪
而且路途遙遠,住這裡的人又很難搞

214
00:11:36,530 --> 00:11:38,740
這不是我的首選
對了,我們應該加個LinkedIn好友

215
00:11:38,824 --> 00:11:40,367
LinkedIn是什麼鬼東西?

216
00:11:40,450 --> 00:11:42,411
小麥...

217
00:11:42,494 --> 00:11:44,830
- 請叫他馬修
- 我是佩芮辛格

218
00:11:44,913 --> 00:11:47,374
- 妳好,佩芮女士,妳好嗎?
- 我是布萊恩威廉斯的製作人

219
00:11:47,457 --> 00:11:49,209
對了,我聽說你的眼睛出狀況

220
00:11:49,293 --> 00:11:50,752
- 長了針眼
- 我看看

221
00:11:50,836 --> 00:11:53,088
不要摸,千萬別用手指去摸

222
00:11:53,172 --> 00:11:54,256
我看過更糟的情況

223
00:11:54,339 --> 00:11:55,924
艾莫利拉加西之前也這樣

224
00:11:56,008 --> 00:11:57,926
他第一年主持直播節目時

225
00:11:58,010 --> 00:12:00,429
不小心把辣椒油噴進眼裡
我們還是繼續拍

226
00:12:00,929 --> 00:12:02,598
“砰”,對,那是我的主意

227
00:12:02,681 --> 00:12:03,682
哈,是喔,好

228
00:12:03,765 --> 00:12:06,685
聽我說,等攝影機架設好
我也會準備好,很好

229
00:12:06,768 --> 00:12:09,104
我現在要過去那邊了
孩子們,快吃,今天是大日子

230
00:12:09,188 --> 00:12:11,481
馬修是個樂觀到不行的人

231
00:12:11,565 --> 00:12:14,026
這點也和艾莫利拉加西一模一樣

232
00:12:14,109 --> 00:12:15,777
可以叫孩子們滾開嗎?

233
00:12:15,861 --> 00:12:16,862
當然可以

234
00:12:16,945 --> 00:12:20,115
悲傷少年、二女兒、可愛寶貝
快去準備,換衣服,洗個澡

235
00:12:20,199 --> 00:12:22,075
快點...拜託,動作快

236
00:12:22,159 --> 00:12:24,828
- 對...
- 動作快,抱歉,不好意思

237
00:12:24,912 --> 00:12:26,246
那是我的

238
00:12:26,330 --> 00:12:28,624
綠色的都要給馬修,綠燈的綠

239
00:12:28,707 --> 00:12:30,375
我用顏色分類,像在教小寶寶一樣

240
00:12:30,459 --> 00:12:31,793
我不必知道妳的流程

241
00:12:31,877 --> 00:12:33,962
妳能不能移動妳的小翹臀去別處

242
00:12:34,046 --> 00:12:35,631
順便幫我拿一瓶常溫雪碧?

243
00:12:35,714 --> 00:12:37,758
還有,可以檢查一下恆溫調節器嗎?

244
00:12:37,841 --> 00:12:39,968
這裡面應該有個25.5度吧

245
00:12:40,052 --> 00:12:41,720
我快冷死了

246
00:12:43,180 --> 00:12:45,599
恕我直言,我認為呢

247
00:12:45,682 --> 00:12:50,896
妳落入了經典的焦慮迴避型

248
00:12:50,979 --> 00:12:53,649
- 依附心理陷阱,奧莉芙
- 對

249
00:12:53,732 --> 00:12:56,860
恕我直言,我認為我唯一落入的陷阱

250
00:12:56,944 --> 00:13:00,989
是相信我的伴侶在私訊
給某個低俗占星小咖網紅

251
00:13:01,073 --> 00:13:03,659
他跟“丁字褲雙子座”尋求她的“見解”

252
00:13:03,742 --> 00:13:06,245
當時木星正轉移到我的第七宮,寶貝

253
00:13:06,328 --> 00:13:08,413
我知道妳不信這個,但是我相信

254
00:13:08,497 --> 00:13:10,999
而且我私訊她只是想尋求靈性指引

255
00:13:11,083 --> 00:13:14,294
但我都還沒機會解釋
妳就搞失蹤了,當時...

256
00:13:14,378 --> 00:13:16,046
- 布萊恩,你知道什麼是搞失蹤嗎?
- 知道

257
00:13:16,129 --> 00:13:20,634
我還知道“撩妹”、“很真”
“六七”、“放飛自我的夏天”,還有...

258
00:13:20,717 --> 00:13:23,470
- 哇,那些都退流行了耶
- 嘿,我們快到了嗎?

259
00:13:23,554 --> 00:13:25,639
布萊恩,可以讓我們靜一靜嗎?

260
00:13:27,057 --> 00:13:30,686
好,哪一個跟
“長針眼的驕傲德州人”比較搭?

261
00:13:30,769 --> 00:13:32,896
我不敢相信我搞砸了你的大日子

262
00:13:32,980 --> 00:13:34,439
- 真的很抱歉
- 沒事啦

263
00:13:34,523 --> 00:13:36,316
我起先很氣你

264
00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:39,862
我哪料得到你送我的狗吃了你的排泄物

265
00:13:39,945 --> 00:13:43,240
還舔我眼睛,害我在大日子長針眼?

266
00:13:43,323 --> 00:13:45,075
不,我沒料到,但情況就是這樣

267
00:13:45,158 --> 00:13:47,202
兄弟,這是我的強項,即興發揮

268
00:13:47,286 --> 00:13:48,287
我可以的,我們沒問題

269
00:13:48,370 --> 00:13:52,666
人生往你射飛鏢
若你堅決抵擋,它就插不進來

270
00:13:56,837 --> 00:14:00,841
你知道我前幾天想到什麼嗎?
《無間警探》第四集

271
00:14:00,924 --> 00:14:03,719
- 《誰去那裡》那一集?
- 六分又十秒的跟拍鏡頭

272
00:14:03,802 --> 00:14:05,262
一鏡到底,沒有剪接

273
00:14:05,345 --> 00:14:07,556
我們為那一幕彩排了好幾個月

274
00:14:07,639 --> 00:14:11,059
然後正式上場,即將開拍
那時是凌晨3點,熱得要命

275
00:14:11,143 --> 00:14:15,898
200位工作人員必須完全同步
才拍得成那場戲

276
00:14:15,981 --> 00:14:18,483
我跟你說:“兄弟,我不知道
這場戲該怎麼拍得成”

277
00:14:18,567 --> 00:14:21,320
“其實呢,伍迪,我是不知道
我有沒有辦法拍得成”

278
00:14:21,403 --> 00:14:24,948
你記得你跟我說什麼嗎?

279
00:14:26,658 --> 00:14:28,076
“我是你的燈塔”

280
00:14:29,328 --> 00:14:31,288
“我是你的燈塔”

281
00:14:31,371 --> 00:14:35,292
對吧?所以我不擔心
今天的訪談會出什麼意外

282
00:14:35,918 --> 00:14:37,961
因為我要是不小心陷入危機

283
00:14:38,045 --> 00:14:40,047
我只要看著你就行了

284
00:14:42,299 --> 00:14:44,134
我的燈塔,我愛你,兄弟

285
00:14:44,218 --> 00:14:45,219
我愛你,兄弟

286
00:14:46,637 --> 00:14:47,888
你們的過夜派對還好嗎?

287
00:14:47,971 --> 00:14:49,765
是媽媽啦,想吃披薩捲嗎?

288
00:14:50,849 --> 00:14:53,185
皮繩領帶,讚喔,我超喜歡,愛死了

289
00:14:53,268 --> 00:14:54,937
- 不准戴皮繩
- 千萬不要,我超討厭那東西

290
00:14:55,020 --> 00:14:56,939
我討厭這種打扮,你想多做點準備嗎?

291
00:14:57,022 --> 00:14:58,982
不用,我準備要大放異彩了

292
00:14:59,483 --> 00:15:00,484
- 他們都好了嗎?
- 好了

293
00:15:00,567 --> 00:15:02,778
大家都動起來了,士氣高昂

294
00:15:02,861 --> 00:15:05,948
氣氛無懈可擊
眾人都在尖叫、跳舞、大笑

295
00:15:06,031 --> 00:15:08,992
只是有個小問題,根本不算問題啦

296
00:15:09,076 --> 00:15:10,077
只是一件小事

297
00:15:10,160 --> 00:15:13,080
布萊恩威廉斯不見人影

298
00:15:15,499 --> 00:15:17,751
怎麼會不見人影?

299
00:15:17,835 --> 00:15:18,919
他可能掛了

300
00:15:22,506 --> 00:15:24,216
對,我不該開夜燈睡覺

301
00:15:24,299 --> 00:15:25,634
我年紀夠大了,這我承認

302
00:15:25,717 --> 00:15:27,803
但是,寶貝,我是愛妳才這麼說

303
00:15:29,012 --> 00:15:31,682
但妳有很嚴重的親密關係問題
記得微醺繪畫社嗎?

304
00:15:31,765 --> 00:15:33,684
- 記得,怎樣?
- 記得吧?妳原本超愛那些女生

305
00:15:33,767 --> 00:15:36,186
她們六週以來都是妳的摯友
直到其中一人

306
00:15:36,270 --> 00:15:39,189
邀妳去女孩之旅
結果妳很不爽她們的咀嚼聲太吵

307
00:15:39,273 --> 00:15:41,191
- 對,因為真的...
- 其實妳不爽到...

308
00:15:41,275 --> 00:15:44,236
連聊都不想聊,就直接不去繪畫社了

309
00:15:44,319 --> 00:15:45,821
寶貝,妳就是這樣,直接逃跑

310
00:15:45,904 --> 00:15:47,614
布萊恩,你有看到他多不講理嗎?

311
00:15:47,698 --> 00:15:50,534
- 欸,你們的手機有訊號嗎?
- 請妳承認布萊恩說對了

312
00:15:50,617 --> 00:15:52,911
承認妳有焦慮迴避型依附心理

313
00:15:52,995 --> 00:15:54,079
你根本無法溝通

314
00:15:54,162 --> 00:15:58,834
我的幽閉恐懼症要發作了,我想下車

315
00:15:58,917 --> 00:16:02,254
- 上了兒童安全鎖嗎?
- 布萊恩,看一下他媽的氣氛啦

316
00:16:02,337 --> 00:16:05,007
很抱歉我說髒話,但真他媽的
兄弟,夠了喔

317
00:16:08,677 --> 00:16:12,222
布萊恩威廉斯到底在哪?
他40分鐘前就該到了

318
00:16:12,306 --> 00:16:13,807
他以為自己是誰?傑拉多李維拉嗎?

319
00:16:13,891 --> 00:16:15,100
我要再一瓶雪碧

320
00:16:15,976 --> 00:16:21,106
嘿...這世上有誰比我更瞭解馬修?

321
00:16:21,190 --> 00:16:23,567
- 應該由我來訪
- 不行

322
00:16:23,650 --> 00:16:26,403
- 絕對不行
- 媽,妳會搶走我的鋒頭

323
00:16:26,486 --> 00:16:28,655
- 不是好主意
- 這我有同感

324
00:16:28,739 --> 00:16:31,200
沒辦法,我就是這麼搶眼

325
00:16:32,242 --> 00:16:33,243
等等...

326
00:16:33,327 --> 00:16:35,037
爸爸,歐普拉

327
00:16:35,120 --> 00:16:36,538
你認識歐普拉?

328
00:16:36,622 --> 00:16:38,040
我個人是不認識

329
00:16:38,624 --> 00:16:39,958
所以你只是隨意喊個名字?

330
00:16:41,502 --> 00:16:43,086
- 對
- 希拉蕊朵芙呢?

331
00:16:43,170 --> 00:16:44,880
- 也許她想...
- 不...我知道了

332
00:16:45,464 --> 00:16:47,090
- 戴克斯阿薛怎麼樣?
- 哪個阿薛?

333
00:16:47,174 --> 00:16:48,634
- 戴克斯薛普
- 對

334
00:16:48,717 --> 00:16:50,928
我上週剛上過他的播客節目

335
00:16:51,011 --> 00:16:54,014
他既聰明又受歡迎
對我的選民也有影響力

336
00:16:54,097 --> 00:16:58,644
而且我記得他說他這週在城裡拍三星廣告

337
00:16:58,727 --> 00:17:01,813
- 不,老公,我覺得不...
- 不...戴克斯薛普,這不錯

338
00:17:01,897 --> 00:17:03,607
- 應該行得通
- 我打給他

339
00:17:03,690 --> 00:17:06,902
跟你說,我喜歡歐普拉這個想法,懷特

340
00:17:06,984 --> 00:17:08,779
我可以聯絡姬莉

341
00:17:08,862 --> 00:17:11,990
但我覺得我們得開始一起思考

342
00:17:12,074 --> 00:17:14,076
要不要輕輕踩個煞車

343
00:17:14,159 --> 00:17:16,994
深吸一口氣,或許今天訪不成了

344
00:17:17,079 --> 00:17:18,829
- 伍迪
- 而且...

345
00:17:18,914 --> 00:17:20,332
布萊恩威廉斯可能會再出現

346
00:17:20,415 --> 00:17:22,334
- 他最好出現
- 我敢說不論是誰耽誤他...

347
00:17:22,416 --> 00:17:24,252
他都很安全,而且有水喝

348
00:17:25,462 --> 00:17:26,797
對,我跟伍迪有同感

349
00:17:26,880 --> 00:17:28,841
- 不...我們不要延期
- 對,不要

350
00:17:28,924 --> 00:17:31,093
戴克斯答應了,他一小時內會到

351
00:17:31,176 --> 00:17:32,177
太好了

352
00:17:32,261 --> 00:17:33,929
我要去做個能量冥想

353
00:17:34,012 --> 00:17:35,848
知道誰會喜歡這主意嗎?

354
00:17:35,931 --> 00:17:37,266
我侄子皮帝

355
00:17:37,349 --> 00:17:38,684
戴克斯是他准許偷情的對象

356
00:17:38,767 --> 00:17:41,228
嘿...皮帝,我是佩阿姨

357
00:17:41,311 --> 00:17:42,604
- 跟你說...
- 好,至少試過了

358
00:17:42,688 --> 00:17:45,232
我該取消綁架的事嗎?

359
00:17:47,609 --> 00:17:48,986
抱歉,你說什麼?

360
00:17:50,904 --> 00:17:52,281
現在你要我們載他回去?

361
00:17:52,823 --> 00:17:55,868
好,這得花點時間,再見

362
00:17:57,536 --> 00:17:59,830
掉頭,我們要回牧場

363
00:17:59,913 --> 00:18:03,166
等等,什麼...回去我們正要去的地方?

364
00:18:03,250 --> 00:18:04,877
你們要把我載去賣嗎?

365
00:18:08,505 --> 00:18:10,424
比較像綁架

366
00:18:11,717 --> 00:18:12,718
對

367
00:18:12,801 --> 00:18:16,346
比較像...暫時拖住你,應該吧

368
00:18:17,181 --> 00:18:19,057
我覺得你說“載去賣”有點太誇張了

369
00:18:19,141 --> 00:18:20,851
(交給我處理)

370
00:18:21,727 --> 00:18:24,396
不,那面旗子要轉個方向
這樣星星才都面向這一邊

371
00:18:24,479 --> 00:18:26,732
- 佩芮...
- 我在,什麼事?

372
00:18:27,441 --> 00:18:28,901
我不在乎那些蠢蛋說什麼

373
00:18:28,984 --> 00:18:32,070
我不要看到我兒子上全國電視

374
00:18:32,154 --> 00:18:34,531
但原本是眼窩的地方卻變成屁眼

375
00:18:34,615 --> 00:18:36,116
我是以母親的身分拜託妳

376
00:18:36,200 --> 00:18:38,660
這裡只有妳的腦袋最清楚

377
00:18:38,744 --> 00:18:40,412
真高興能跟正常大人溝通

378
00:18:40,495 --> 00:18:41,830
- 我...
- 對,飲料給我

379
00:18:41,914 --> 00:18:44,458
好,交換那兩個紙牌的位置,對
叫馬修坐棕色椅子

380
00:18:44,541 --> 00:18:45,542
沒錯

381
00:18:47,002 --> 00:18:48,003
(戴克斯薛普)

382
00:18:49,087 --> 00:18:50,088
(馬修麥康納)

383
00:18:55,594 --> 00:18:56,595
兄弟

384
00:18:57,804 --> 00:19:00,098
- 我好想念有頭髮喔
- 可以離開一下嗎?

385
00:19:02,518 --> 00:19:06,188
好,兄弟,你能再提醒我一次
為何我他媽的要幹這件事嗎?

386
00:19:06,855 --> 00:19:08,565
馬修,我並不相信

387
00:19:08,649 --> 00:19:12,694
一般公家機構或組織政府

388
00:19:12,778 --> 00:19:16,365
其實我是支持淘汰掉這些組織

389
00:19:16,448 --> 00:19:21,203
但我相信你會成為
德州有史以來最棒的州長

390
00:19:21,286 --> 00:19:23,497
- 果然是我的好兄弟
- 戴克斯薛普來了

391
00:19:23,580 --> 00:19:25,165
不准要簽名,不准自拍

392
00:19:25,666 --> 00:19:26,667
好了,寶貝

393
00:19:26,750 --> 00:19:29,461
該上場了,叮叮

394
00:19:30,712 --> 00:19:35,133
嘿,你受訪時要是不知所措,就看這邊

395
00:19:35,217 --> 00:19:36,677
尋找我的燈塔

396
00:19:38,178 --> 00:19:40,305
- 州長,祝好運
- 按下錄影鍵

397
00:19:45,352 --> 00:19:48,981
他提到基礎建設時,會笑出酒窩...

398
00:19:49,064 --> 00:19:52,067
- 戴克斯駕到,我的好哥們
- 伍迪,你好嗎?

399
00:19:52,150 --> 00:19:54,736
- 很好,天啊
- 真高興見到你

400
00:19:54,820 --> 00:19:56,572
怎麼回事?是你住在巴士上嗎?

401
00:19:56,655 --> 00:19:58,240
- 對,我們全家住巴士
- 哇

402
00:19:58,323 --> 00:20:00,993
- 你的財務狀況還好吧?
- 沒事...

403
00:20:01,076 --> 00:20:03,036
我養了一隻叫小伍迪的狗

404
00:20:03,120 --> 00:20:06,164
還用化名唱自創歌曲,沒得抱怨

405
00:20:06,248 --> 00:20:08,417
- 好喔,對
- 但誰會聽啊,對吧?

406
00:20:08,500 --> 00:20:10,752
- 但...他好像準備好了
- 你可以啊

407
00:20:12,129 --> 00:20:13,547
- 看看這個帥哥
- 嘿

408
00:20:13,630 --> 00:20:15,591
- 你好嗎?
- 謝謝你來幫忙

409
00:20:15,674 --> 00:20:17,217
- 對
- 怎麼回事?被戳到嗎?

410
00:20:17,301 --> 00:20:19,219
我長了針眼,對

411
00:20:19,303 --> 00:20:20,721
真高興我們有抱抱

412
00:20:21,638 --> 00:20:23,140
訪問資料在這

413
00:20:30,314 --> 00:20:31,899
好,要開始了

414
00:20:33,317 --> 00:20:36,570
- 馬修,朋友,很高興見到你
- 兄弟,謝謝你來

415
00:20:36,653 --> 00:20:37,988
你是個多才多藝的人

416
00:20:38,071 --> 00:20:42,534
你是奧斯卡金像獎得主,寫了兩本暢銷書

417
00:20:42,618 --> 00:20:43,911
- 其實是三本,對
- 三本?

418
00:20:43,994 --> 00:20:48,207
- 而且是德州大學的客座教授?
- 對,我在那邊開了兩門課

419
00:20:48,290 --> 00:20:51,585
太厲害了
我想以上幾個話題都能聊上一小時

420
00:20:51,668 --> 00:20:53,295
但可惜了,我們今天不是來聊這些

421
00:20:53,378 --> 00:20:55,214
聽說你要跟大家宣布一項新志業?

422
00:20:55,297 --> 00:20:59,927
對,我今天要很榮幸,又很謙卑地宣布

423
00:21:00,010 --> 00:21:04,598
我要參選偉大德州的州長

424
00:21:04,681 --> 00:21:08,310
哇,從伍德森搖身一變成為州長候選人

425
00:21:08,393 --> 00:21:10,020
我是第五代德州人

426
00:21:10,103 --> 00:21:13,148
我瞭解德州的過去、現在與未來

427
00:21:13,232 --> 00:21:17,069
我知道德州的良善民眾想要有好工作

428
00:21:17,152 --> 00:21:18,612
希望孩子們有安全的學校

429
00:21:18,695 --> 00:21:21,698
也盼望能有人擔起法治責任
而且最重要的是

430
00:21:21,782 --> 00:21:24,034
他們期待有一位值得信任的州長

431
00:21:24,117 --> 00:21:26,912
而那就是我要提供的一切

432
00:21:26,995 --> 00:21:27,996
說得真好

433
00:21:28,080 --> 00:21:30,916
好,我們這幾年聊天時,你常常指出

434
00:21:30,999 --> 00:21:35,879
你的德州故事
其實就是你和你爸爸大麥克的故事

435
00:21:35,963 --> 00:21:37,381
他生前是德州人

436
00:21:38,215 --> 00:21:44,847
所以,我認為自己算是德州之子

437
00:21:46,348 --> 00:21:51,436
對,有鑑於此,我很好奇你當時的反應

438
00:21:51,520 --> 00:21:55,983
當你發現大麥克並不是你的生父

439
00:21:57,192 --> 00:21:58,235
他說什麼?

440
00:21:58,318 --> 00:22:01,238
你最近才得知這件事嗎?

441
00:22:02,406 --> 00:22:05,033
你在說什麼啊?

442
00:22:05,117 --> 00:22:07,286
你看他們給我的DNA檢驗報告

443
00:22:09,496 --> 00:22:10,706
{\an8}(根源DNA檢驗機構)

444
00:22:10,789 --> 00:22:13,876
你先得知你父親的真相

445
00:22:13,959 --> 00:22:18,505
接著更震驚的是你和你最好的朋友

446
00:22:18,589 --> 00:22:19,965
伍迪哈里遜

447
00:22:20,048 --> 00:22:25,179
其實生父是同一人,這肯定很震撼吧?

448
00:22:31,977 --> 00:22:33,937
可以暫停一下子嗎?

449
00:22:48,785 --> 00:22:49,912
怎麼回事?

450
00:22:58,378 --> 00:23:01,048
這是什麼?是真的嗎?

451
00:23:01,924 --> 00:23:05,385
兄弟,我也是現在才知道

452
00:23:05,469 --> 00:23:07,638
- 但你早知道有這回事
- 不,我不知道

453
00:23:07,721 --> 00:23:10,015
伍迪,但這份檢驗報告上頭寫了你的名字

454
00:23:10,098 --> 00:23:12,059
我原本想找你談這件事

455
00:23:12,142 --> 00:23:15,103
但我不想打草驚蛇,得要百分百確定...

456
00:23:16,230 --> 00:23:18,065
- 爸
- 什麼狗屁燈塔?

457
00:23:19,441 --> 00:23:20,442
老公,你沒事吧?

458
00:23:31,787 --> 00:23:34,456
- 好
- 馬修

459
00:23:36,834 --> 00:23:37,835
我的眼睛

460
00:23:38,585 --> 00:23:39,586
砰

461
00:24:58,665 --> 00:25:00,667
字幕翻譯:陳彥含