1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:08,375 --> 00:00:10,166 [man 1] We the People. 4 00:00:10,833 --> 00:00:12,416 [man 2] We the People. 5 00:00:12,500 --> 00:00:13,625 [man 3] We the People. 6 00:00:13,708 --> 00:00:16,083 -[man 4] We the People. -[man 5] We the People. 7 00:00:16,166 --> 00:00:18,708 -[man 6] We the People! -[man 7] We the People! 8 00:00:18,791 --> 00:00:21,500 -[man 8] We the People! -[man 9] We the People! 9 00:00:21,583 --> 00:00:22,458 [shushes] 10 00:00:22,541 --> 00:00:25,166 Wait… [breathes deeply] 11 00:00:25,250 --> 00:00:26,708 We the People… 12 00:00:29,166 --> 00:00:30,375 -[all cheering] -Yeah! 13 00:00:30,458 --> 00:00:33,583 -We the People! -We the People! 14 00:00:33,666 --> 00:00:35,916 Sorry, Tom, "We the People" it is. 15 00:00:36,000 --> 00:00:38,791 You can use "Us rich white guys" on your Christmas card. 16 00:00:38,875 --> 00:00:41,791 Mmm, at Dartmouth, we play with actual paddles. 17 00:00:41,875 --> 00:00:44,708 Nobody fucking cares how you do it at Dartmouth, Tom. 18 00:00:44,791 --> 00:00:45,666 [all laughing] 19 00:00:45,750 --> 00:00:48,500 Franklin, these bucktooth fun police can suck it 20 00:00:48,583 --> 00:00:50,583 because we've done it, boys! 21 00:00:50,666 --> 00:00:54,250 -We have declared our independence! -[all] Huzzah! 22 00:00:54,333 --> 00:00:58,250 Lincoln and his idiot lackey, Washington, are gonna be pissed they missed this. 23 00:00:58,333 --> 00:01:00,458 -[chuckles] -Ooh! We should take a picture! 24 00:01:00,541 --> 00:01:02,083 Say "cheese." 25 00:01:02,166 --> 00:01:03,250 Benedict Arnold? 26 00:01:03,916 --> 00:01:06,750 -It's the Redcoats! Run! -[men yelling] 27 00:01:06,833 --> 00:01:08,458 [screaming] 28 00:01:12,708 --> 00:01:13,833 What is happ-- 29 00:01:14,916 --> 00:01:15,791 [yells] 30 00:01:18,041 --> 00:01:21,416 -[head] No, no, no! -Declarate this! 31 00:01:34,458 --> 00:01:35,291 [screeches] 32 00:01:42,041 --> 00:01:45,250 Now I just have to catch a show with my old chum, 33 00:01:45,333 --> 00:01:47,875 Abraham Lincoln. 34 00:01:50,500 --> 00:01:53,416 [Abe] Four score and seven years ago, 35 00:01:53,500 --> 00:01:56,875 I swore an oath to never tell a lie. 36 00:01:56,958 --> 00:02:02,125 To be true to my family, my friends, and the Republic for which they stand, 37 00:02:02,208 --> 00:02:07,708 which is why I am compelled, by divine duty, to tell you 38 00:02:07,791 --> 00:02:10,583 your prices are fucking insane! 39 00:02:10,666 --> 00:02:13,125 Wow, easy. Take it up with the King. 40 00:02:13,208 --> 00:02:15,625 -Something about taxation! -[colonists] Yeah, that's right! 41 00:02:15,708 --> 00:02:17,750 Dude, I just work here. 42 00:02:17,833 --> 00:02:20,208 But… Uh… Something about representation! 43 00:02:20,291 --> 00:02:21,958 -Yeah! -You tell 'em, Abe! 44 00:02:22,041 --> 00:02:24,833 -[George] Abe! -This isn't over, pal! 45 00:02:24,916 --> 00:02:25,791 [colonists] Yeah! 46 00:02:25,875 --> 00:02:28,541 [sighs] You don't gotta be such a damn tyrant about it. 47 00:02:28,625 --> 00:02:31,250 [George] Abe! Look at me! [laughs] 48 00:02:31,333 --> 00:02:33,916 -This guy dared me to climb up here. -[man] No, I didn't. 49 00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:36,208 Well, you should've! Whoo! 50 00:02:36,875 --> 00:02:37,958 -[colonists cheering] -Yeah! 51 00:02:38,041 --> 00:02:40,875 George, you are a wild man. 52 00:02:40,958 --> 00:02:42,500 [sighs] What can I say? 53 00:02:42,583 --> 00:02:45,250 Somebody's gotta balance out all your boring politics. 54 00:02:45,333 --> 00:02:48,666 [chuckles] George, I guess that's what makes us such a good team. 55 00:02:48,750 --> 00:02:53,250 A team that will last until we both die of natural causes and old age, 56 00:02:53,333 --> 00:02:54,333 in our forties. 57 00:02:54,416 --> 00:02:57,541 But I do wish ya cared about more than just partying. 58 00:02:57,625 --> 00:03:00,625 [gasps] Abe! I care about more than that, all right? 59 00:03:00,708 --> 00:03:04,000 I also care about… how good we look! 60 00:03:04,083 --> 00:03:07,958 Oh, George. You paid 35 bucks for a T-blouse? 61 00:03:08,041 --> 00:03:12,416 No, I paid 70 bucks for two T-blouses. 62 00:03:12,500 --> 00:03:13,333 Twinsies! 63 00:03:13,416 --> 00:03:17,083 George, I wish I had a million friends like you. 64 00:03:17,166 --> 00:03:19,916 -Should I put it on my body? -Yeah, put it on your body. 65 00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:23,208 Oh, it feels so soft on my body. 66 00:03:23,291 --> 00:03:25,958 -It's like a blend. Is it a blend? -It's a tri-blend. 67 00:03:26,041 --> 00:03:28,791 Oh, it's so soft, I'd swear it's a quad blend. 68 00:03:28,875 --> 00:03:31,125 -I know. [sighs] -Oh, shit, oh! 69 00:03:31,208 --> 00:03:32,166 Oh, here comes Ben. 70 00:03:32,250 --> 00:03:35,000 -Ooh! Uh, hey, Ben. -Benedict. 71 00:03:35,083 --> 00:03:38,333 Oh, sorry. Last two. 72 00:03:39,583 --> 00:03:40,583 [drums beating] 73 00:03:45,416 --> 00:03:47,000 [crowd cheering] 74 00:03:51,333 --> 00:03:53,333 I'm so glad you came. 75 00:03:53,416 --> 00:03:56,833 Mmm, I was worried that you might have caught wind 76 00:03:56,916 --> 00:03:58,250 of my little surprise. 77 00:03:58,333 --> 00:03:59,416 No, not at all, man. 78 00:03:59,500 --> 00:04:02,500 These are boffo seats! We didn't even see this coming at all. 79 00:04:02,583 --> 00:04:03,958 What are you up to? 80 00:04:04,041 --> 00:04:06,541 You hate surprises and general whimsy. 81 00:04:06,625 --> 00:04:08,583 I've always told you, Abraham, 82 00:04:08,666 --> 00:04:10,958 that your revolution would be the end of you. 83 00:04:11,041 --> 00:04:14,500 And I've always told you, Ben, that I was willing to take that chance. 84 00:04:14,583 --> 00:04:17,333 That we should all be willing to take that chance. 85 00:04:17,416 --> 00:04:19,625 [laughs] 86 00:04:19,708 --> 00:04:21,708 Yes, you have. 87 00:04:21,791 --> 00:04:24,541 The only problem is you assumed, all this time, 88 00:04:24,625 --> 00:04:27,958 that I'm part of your "we," when, in fact, 89 00:04:28,041 --> 00:04:31,416 I'm with a different "we," now. 90 00:04:32,916 --> 00:04:35,125 Uh, I didn't… I don't get it. 91 00:04:35,208 --> 00:04:38,041 I changed teams, assholes. 92 00:04:38,125 --> 00:04:40,208 Oh, Ben, good for you! 93 00:04:40,291 --> 00:04:43,125 I'm so glad that you're embracing your true self. 94 00:04:43,208 --> 00:04:45,666 No! I'm gonna be fuckin' rich. 95 00:04:45,750 --> 00:04:49,541 Oh, Rich sounds like a great guy, would love to meet him. 96 00:04:49,625 --> 00:04:52,125 -We could do a double date? -You're misunderstanding. 97 00:04:52,208 --> 00:04:54,125 -I'll be doing the Redcoat Shuffle. -Hey. 98 00:04:54,208 --> 00:04:57,000 Whatever you guys do in private is your business. 99 00:04:57,083 --> 00:04:58,916 That's one of the things we're fighting for! 100 00:04:59,000 --> 00:05:01,125 Stop being so damn accepting for a minute! 101 00:05:01,208 --> 00:05:04,541 I have aligned myself with the Brits. 102 00:05:04,625 --> 00:05:06,291 Oh. Ohh! 103 00:05:06,375 --> 00:05:08,083 [hesitating] George, are you hearing this? 104 00:05:08,166 --> 00:05:09,583 Are you seeing this? 105 00:05:09,666 --> 00:05:12,916 Abe, they're using things as instruments that you're not supposed to use. 106 00:05:13,000 --> 00:05:15,208 -It's crazy! -George, fuck! 107 00:05:15,291 --> 00:05:17,791 [hesitates] You've sided with the fun police? 108 00:05:17,875 --> 00:05:20,833 Something about taxation. Don't you remember? 109 00:05:20,916 --> 00:05:24,458 Hot take, Abe. Fun sucks. 110 00:05:24,541 --> 00:05:27,333 The Declaration was signed tonight, Ben. 111 00:05:27,416 --> 00:05:30,416 You're too late to stop the revolution. Ha-ha! 112 00:05:30,500 --> 00:05:32,416 -Oh, am I? -[Abe gasps] 113 00:05:32,500 --> 00:05:35,791 -Your friends in revolution are all dead. -[Abe] What? 114 00:05:35,875 --> 00:05:38,791 And as for your precious Declaration of Independence… 115 00:05:38,875 --> 00:05:41,833 -Oh, it's beautiful! -A-Kelly Ripa! 116 00:05:41,916 --> 00:05:43,333 [Abe] No! 117 00:05:43,416 --> 00:05:45,500 But you're Benedict "Cosby" Arnold! 118 00:05:45,583 --> 00:05:47,916 -You're better than this! -You're right. 119 00:05:48,000 --> 00:05:49,541 I am. 120 00:05:50,291 --> 00:05:51,708 [growls] 121 00:05:53,625 --> 00:05:54,875 [screams] 122 00:05:55,916 --> 00:05:56,791 [groans] 123 00:05:56,875 --> 00:06:00,041 Abe, what the… Oh, my God. Your neck's… Oh, my God! 124 00:06:00,125 --> 00:06:02,916 Your neck is bleeding! Is this part of the show? 125 00:06:03,000 --> 00:06:05,125 Look, I don't do well with interactive theater, okay? 126 00:06:05,208 --> 00:06:06,500 It kinda freaks me out. 127 00:06:06,583 --> 00:06:08,750 I know. That's great. We're number one, I get that. 128 00:06:08,833 --> 00:06:10,875 But I don't see what that has to do with… 129 00:06:10,958 --> 00:06:12,583 Arnold, behind you. 130 00:06:12,666 --> 00:06:14,500 No, Abe, I'm George. 131 00:06:14,583 --> 00:06:16,125 It's George! 132 00:06:16,208 --> 00:06:18,291 George, turn around. 133 00:06:18,375 --> 00:06:20,083 Ben! Ben, what the fuck, man? 134 00:06:20,166 --> 00:06:21,875 [slurps] 135 00:06:21,958 --> 00:06:25,000 Someday, Georgie, you'll have to draft a document 136 00:06:25,083 --> 00:06:28,708 that specifically outlines the punishment for what I just did. 137 00:06:28,791 --> 00:06:32,000 But for now, I bid you adieu. 138 00:06:32,541 --> 00:06:33,750 Nyah! 139 00:06:34,666 --> 00:06:36,250 [grunts] 140 00:06:36,333 --> 00:06:39,333 Sic semper my dick, bitches! 141 00:06:39,916 --> 00:06:41,083 [crowd cheers] 142 00:06:41,166 --> 00:06:42,625 This is the weirdest show. 143 00:06:42,708 --> 00:06:44,000 Abe. [spits] 144 00:06:44,125 --> 00:06:45,375 Abe, are you okay? 145 00:06:45,458 --> 00:06:48,875 -No, my throat has been roadhoused. -[spitting] Ah, it's in my mouth. 146 00:06:48,958 --> 00:06:50,583 I'm dying, George. 147 00:06:50,666 --> 00:06:53,458 No, you will not die! You shut your mouth! 148 00:06:53,541 --> 00:06:56,166 -I will shut my mouth. -[spitting] 149 00:06:56,250 --> 00:06:58,416 -Forever. -Stop it! [spits] 150 00:06:58,500 --> 00:07:02,416 -Abe, you're gonna make it. -Yes, to the other side. 151 00:07:02,500 --> 00:07:05,125 No! Back to this side! Where you belong! 152 00:07:05,208 --> 00:07:08,958 George, you must free the colonies. 153 00:07:09,041 --> 00:07:13,041 No! That's your thing, Abe. It's not mine. 154 00:07:13,125 --> 00:07:16,666 It's yours now, George. I believe in you. 155 00:07:16,750 --> 00:07:19,208 -[spits] -Free the colonies. 156 00:07:19,291 --> 00:07:21,375 Found a new country. 157 00:07:21,458 --> 00:07:22,958 Name her… 158 00:07:23,041 --> 00:07:26,541 Name her what, babe? You tell me what you want me to name her. 159 00:07:26,625 --> 00:07:28,875 God damn it! You son of a bitch! 160 00:07:28,958 --> 00:07:33,625 Whatever you tell me to name her, that's what I'm gonna name her, Abie! 161 00:07:33,708 --> 00:07:37,541 Name her America. 162 00:07:37,625 --> 00:07:38,958 [eagle screeches] 163 00:07:40,250 --> 00:07:41,666 Is that your top choice? 164 00:07:41,750 --> 00:07:43,875 We can spitball some options, see if we can beat it. 165 00:07:43,958 --> 00:07:45,875 There is no time, George. 166 00:07:45,958 --> 00:07:48,000 My death-shit is imminent. 167 00:07:48,083 --> 00:07:50,541 America, okay? Just remember… 168 00:07:50,625 --> 00:07:54,166 -[groans and farts] America. -[eagle screeches] 169 00:07:55,250 --> 00:07:56,958 [farts] 170 00:07:58,250 --> 00:07:59,375 A-- [gags] 171 00:07:59,458 --> 00:08:00,833 Nope. [retches] 172 00:08:00,916 --> 00:08:03,000 A-- [retches, coughs] 173 00:08:03,083 --> 00:08:04,291 Okay, hold it. 174 00:08:04,375 --> 00:08:06,958 Abe! 175 00:08:07,916 --> 00:08:09,083 Stand ready. 176 00:08:09,166 --> 00:08:12,791 A vengeful Washington will be here in three, two… 177 00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:15,375 Hey, dickhole! 178 00:08:15,458 --> 00:08:17,208 It's time to… Oh, fuck me. 179 00:08:17,291 --> 00:08:19,375 Yes. Fuck you, indeed. 180 00:08:23,375 --> 00:08:24,250 Subdue him. 181 00:08:24,333 --> 00:08:26,916 I wish to shame him with a cutting dialogue. 182 00:08:27,666 --> 00:08:29,541 -[cracks neck] -Hello, guv. 183 00:08:29,625 --> 00:08:31,458 [battle cries] 184 00:08:31,541 --> 00:08:34,250 [Benedict] I know betrayal hurts, Georgie, 185 00:08:34,333 --> 00:08:39,583 and it can often rile in a man motivation he didn't even know he had. 186 00:08:39,666 --> 00:08:40,708 But face facts. 187 00:08:40,791 --> 00:08:43,541 With Abe and the rest of your revolutionaries gone, 188 00:08:43,625 --> 00:08:46,083 on account of me having killed them all just now, 189 00:08:46,166 --> 00:08:50,208 your tired, party-boy antics are bound to fail. 190 00:08:50,291 --> 00:08:52,666 You'll never be the leader Abe was. 191 00:08:52,750 --> 00:08:53,666 [grunts] 192 00:08:53,750 --> 00:08:57,250 Because you lack Abe's brains, his heart, 193 00:08:57,333 --> 00:09:02,041 and, most importantly, his soul. 194 00:09:02,125 --> 00:09:05,416 Without him, the revolution is dead. 195 00:09:06,125 --> 00:09:09,083 [yells] Rah! 196 00:09:11,000 --> 00:09:12,083 -Whoo! -[motor roars] 197 00:09:12,166 --> 00:09:15,375 That cherry tree didn't chop its fucking self down! 198 00:09:15,458 --> 00:09:16,333 Let's go! 199 00:09:21,125 --> 00:09:24,500 Ah, are you a miniboss, or what? Do something! 200 00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:32,375 [screeches] 201 00:09:35,791 --> 00:09:37,083 [clanking] 202 00:09:37,166 --> 00:09:38,250 [grunts] 203 00:09:41,375 --> 00:09:42,208 [grunts] 204 00:09:47,208 --> 00:09:48,500 Jesus Christ! 205 00:09:48,583 --> 00:09:50,750 Transporter, go! 206 00:09:50,833 --> 00:09:52,458 Let's get you transported. 207 00:09:52,541 --> 00:09:54,875 [engine whirs] 208 00:09:58,791 --> 00:10:00,625 [grunts] 209 00:10:00,708 --> 00:10:04,333 I can't believe we ever let you into the Three Fuckateers! 210 00:10:04,416 --> 00:10:07,125 I'm changing our Netflix password! 211 00:10:07,208 --> 00:10:08,625 Transporter, the bridge! 212 00:10:10,666 --> 00:10:11,625 [thuds] 213 00:10:11,708 --> 00:10:13,416 [grunts] 214 00:10:16,583 --> 00:10:19,125 Ah! [groans] 215 00:10:19,791 --> 00:10:21,208 Fuckin' bridges. 216 00:10:21,291 --> 00:10:22,666 Ah, Christ. 217 00:10:22,750 --> 00:10:23,666 [Benedict chuckles] 218 00:10:23,750 --> 00:10:24,583 [George] What now? 219 00:10:25,333 --> 00:10:28,750 Oh, Georgie, I almost forgot. 220 00:10:28,833 --> 00:10:30,625 I have something from your king. 221 00:10:31,208 --> 00:10:33,625 This is for you. 222 00:10:33,708 --> 00:10:35,875 ["Rule Brittania!" playing] 223 00:10:35,958 --> 00:10:37,416 [laughing] 224 00:10:39,125 --> 00:10:40,916 "This is for you." [continues laughing] 225 00:10:41,000 --> 00:10:42,333 I'm so clever! 226 00:10:45,125 --> 00:10:46,291 [George] No. 227 00:10:47,083 --> 00:10:49,250 This is for… 228 00:10:50,083 --> 00:10:53,750 America! 229 00:10:56,958 --> 00:10:57,833 [window opens] 230 00:10:57,916 --> 00:11:00,541 [man] Shut the fuck up! 231 00:11:00,625 --> 00:11:03,458 -[smacks lips] Yep. -[dog barks distantly] 232 00:11:03,541 --> 00:11:04,416 All right. 233 00:11:16,458 --> 00:11:18,000 [Martha singing] ♪ Close your eyes ♪ 234 00:11:18,083 --> 00:11:19,166 [strumming guitar] 235 00:11:19,250 --> 00:11:22,750 ♪ Give me your hand, darling ♪ 236 00:11:23,333 --> 00:11:26,583 ♪ Do you feel my heart beating? ♪ 237 00:11:27,250 --> 00:11:29,833 ♪ Do you understand? ♪ 238 00:11:29,916 --> 00:11:33,250 ♪ Do you feel the same? ♪ 239 00:11:34,083 --> 00:11:38,708 ♪ Am I only dreaming? ♪ 240 00:11:39,458 --> 00:11:42,333 ♪ Is this burnin' ♪ 241 00:11:42,916 --> 00:11:43,875 [sobbing] 242 00:11:43,958 --> 00:11:46,958 ♪ An eternal flame? ♪ 243 00:11:47,041 --> 00:11:48,791 [humming] 244 00:11:54,958 --> 00:11:56,000 [music stops] 245 00:11:56,083 --> 00:11:56,916 [birds chirping] 246 00:11:57,000 --> 00:11:57,958 He sewed it by hand 247 00:11:58,041 --> 00:12:00,875 when Trishelle came down with dengue fever last May Day. 248 00:12:00,958 --> 00:12:03,791 He laid it upon her and she healed. 249 00:12:03,875 --> 00:12:05,708 And now, she lays it upon him, 250 00:12:06,291 --> 00:12:07,791 but he will never heal. 251 00:12:08,500 --> 00:12:09,500 John 3:16. 252 00:12:11,083 --> 00:12:12,250 [strums electric guitar] 253 00:12:12,333 --> 00:12:14,916 A gift from Mozart himself. 254 00:12:16,666 --> 00:12:21,666 Silenced now, like its owner, forever. 255 00:12:24,875 --> 00:12:25,875 [guitar stops playing] 256 00:12:25,958 --> 00:12:28,333 You're, uh-- [clears throat] Martha Dandridge. 257 00:12:28,416 --> 00:12:30,125 You were there that night, on stage. 258 00:12:30,208 --> 00:12:33,916 And you are George Washington, inventor of peanut butter. 259 00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:35,000 The same. 260 00:12:35,083 --> 00:12:37,291 Abraham Lincoln's best friend. 261 00:12:37,375 --> 00:12:38,250 [whispers] Forever. 262 00:12:38,333 --> 00:12:40,833 You've suffered a tremendous loss. 263 00:12:41,541 --> 00:12:43,583 You should not be alone tonight. 264 00:12:43,666 --> 00:12:44,666 -Oh! -Ahh! 265 00:12:44,750 --> 00:12:46,500 -Yes! Yes! -Ah! 266 00:12:46,583 --> 00:12:48,958 -[shrieks] -[grunts] 267 00:12:49,041 --> 00:12:53,500 -[George shouting] -[Martha shrieking] 268 00:12:53,583 --> 00:12:56,666 -Uh… -What is it? You can tell me, Martha. 269 00:12:56,750 --> 00:12:59,041 -You can tell me anything. -Well… [breathing heavily] 270 00:13:00,125 --> 00:13:02,333 -I'm pregnant. -What? Just now? 271 00:13:02,416 --> 00:13:03,625 -Yeah. -You're sure? 272 00:13:03,708 --> 00:13:05,958 -A woman knows. -[laughs] 273 00:13:06,041 --> 00:13:07,833 A miracle has befallen us! 274 00:13:07,916 --> 00:13:10,083 -Has it? -It has! Yes. 275 00:13:10,166 --> 00:13:11,666 Oh, but has it? 276 00:13:11,750 --> 00:13:13,041 All I've ever wanted, Martha, 277 00:13:13,125 --> 00:13:15,708 was the one thing I never had, a loving family. 278 00:13:15,791 --> 00:13:17,583 -Gross, you were an orphan? -What? 279 00:13:17,666 --> 00:13:19,750 -Of course not! God, no. Ew. -Ugh! Phew! 280 00:13:19,833 --> 00:13:22,375 No, but look, my father was a real man's man, 281 00:13:22,458 --> 00:13:24,291 which is to say, like all men's men, 282 00:13:24,375 --> 00:13:27,625 he disrespected my mother and punished me for his insecurities. 283 00:13:27,708 --> 00:13:31,708 And see, this will be a great opportunity to break that cycle, if you will. 284 00:13:32,250 --> 00:13:35,375 You know, there can be no spring without winter. John 3:16. 285 00:13:35,458 --> 00:13:37,166 That's beautiful, George. 286 00:13:37,250 --> 00:13:38,250 Oh, hey, what's this? 287 00:13:38,333 --> 00:13:40,125 Oh. [chuckles] 288 00:13:40,208 --> 00:13:43,833 Just [sighs] a box of misty water-colored memories. 289 00:13:43,916 --> 00:13:47,208 [chuckles] Oh, look, the day we first met. 290 00:13:47,291 --> 00:13:49,375 I was hiding from my father in the woods, 291 00:13:49,458 --> 00:13:51,791 and he had been drinking and listening to Kid Rock again. 292 00:13:51,875 --> 00:13:54,916 And then, I encountered a boy, no older than me, 293 00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:58,375 and he smelled of possums and night soil. 294 00:13:58,458 --> 00:14:02,250 We couldn't have been any more different. And yet, he opened up his arms to me 295 00:14:02,333 --> 00:14:04,333 and he took me up into his tree home. 296 00:14:04,416 --> 00:14:07,708 It was the first time that I understood what family was. 297 00:14:07,791 --> 00:14:10,166 Aw… #Blessed. 298 00:14:10,250 --> 00:14:13,000 [George chuckles] This is his seventh birthday. 299 00:14:13,083 --> 00:14:16,125 I had to get him a hat to cover that hideous, malformed head of his. 300 00:14:16,208 --> 00:14:19,166 Who could have known that it would come to be his trademark? 301 00:14:19,250 --> 00:14:21,250 Oh, prom! Wow! 302 00:14:21,333 --> 00:14:23,375 We lost our virginities that night. [chuckles] 303 00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:25,375 -Together. -Oh, I get it. 304 00:14:25,458 --> 00:14:26,458 I've been to Paris. 305 00:14:26,541 --> 00:14:28,500 Oh, man, we had so many plans. 306 00:14:28,583 --> 00:14:31,333 Oh, Sky Camp! Junior Templar Scouts. 307 00:14:31,416 --> 00:14:33,791 [gasps] Our semi-pro rolling-circle-with-a-stick team. 308 00:14:34,375 --> 00:14:35,833 What is this even… [chuckles] 309 00:14:35,916 --> 00:14:36,916 -[grunts] -Oh! 310 00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:37,875 -Oh! -[gasps] 311 00:14:37,958 --> 00:14:41,208 -The famed "Lincoln Log!" [laughs] -[chuckles] Yes! 312 00:14:41,291 --> 00:14:43,416 Abe, [laughs] you rapscallion. 313 00:14:43,500 --> 00:14:45,875 Oh. [sobbing] 314 00:14:45,958 --> 00:14:47,333 You rapscallion. [sobbing] 315 00:14:47,416 --> 00:14:48,375 Oh… 316 00:14:49,625 --> 00:14:50,875 George. 317 00:14:50,958 --> 00:14:53,166 -Oh, George. George! -[George] What? 318 00:14:53,250 --> 00:14:54,916 -What? -You know what you must do. 319 00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:58,166 Have a bunch more sex with you until I start feeling better? 320 00:14:58,250 --> 00:15:01,333 -That'll work in the short term. -[sobs] Okay, that's a great idea. 321 00:15:01,416 --> 00:15:04,166 No, no… No! George. 322 00:15:04,250 --> 00:15:06,125 You must avenge Abe. 323 00:15:06,208 --> 00:15:07,958 See his dream through. 324 00:15:08,041 --> 00:15:11,041 I can't! King James is more powerful than ever. 325 00:15:11,125 --> 00:15:14,250 -I can't fight him alone. -No, you need partners. 326 00:15:14,333 --> 00:15:15,583 -Partners? -Yes! 327 00:15:15,666 --> 00:15:17,750 -Partners in the revolution? -Yes! 328 00:15:17,833 --> 00:15:20,000 Partners whose spirit, like mine, 329 00:15:20,083 --> 00:15:22,625 outweigh their sense of self-preservation and sanity, even? 330 00:15:22,708 --> 00:15:25,791 Yes! You know, Samuel Adams plays in my adult kickball league. 331 00:15:25,875 --> 00:15:28,083 -I totally know him. -Hold the phone! 332 00:15:28,166 --> 00:15:30,375 Samuel Adems is the race car driver. You know him? 333 00:15:30,458 --> 00:15:32,791 What's a phone? And no, no, no, no. [laughs] 334 00:15:32,875 --> 00:15:35,208 That's Samuel Adems, with an "E." 335 00:15:35,291 --> 00:15:37,666 This is Samuel Adams, with an "A." 336 00:15:37,750 --> 00:15:39,250 [whispers] The rabble rouser. 337 00:15:39,333 --> 00:15:41,208 [rock music playing] 338 00:15:44,958 --> 00:15:46,416 [chuckling] 339 00:15:46,500 --> 00:15:47,541 [all cheering] 340 00:15:47,625 --> 00:15:50,125 -[chanting] Chug! Chug! Chug! -[slurping] 341 00:15:54,791 --> 00:15:56,125 [thuds] 342 00:15:56,208 --> 00:15:57,916 [explosion] 343 00:15:58,583 --> 00:16:01,166 [chanting] Chug! Chug! Chug! 344 00:16:02,458 --> 00:16:04,791 -Whoo! -[explosions] 345 00:16:04,875 --> 00:16:09,291 Sammy Addy from way downtown! 346 00:16:10,208 --> 00:16:11,208 Fuck, yeah! 347 00:16:11,291 --> 00:16:12,541 [indistinct shouting] 348 00:16:21,583 --> 00:16:23,875 [George] Boffo fireworks, Mr. Adams. 349 00:16:23,958 --> 00:16:27,625 Very, very boffo. I'm George Washington. 350 00:16:28,208 --> 00:16:30,458 George Washington, the dinosaur rancher? 351 00:16:30,541 --> 00:16:33,000 Ah, no, no, that's George Washingten, with an "E." 352 00:16:33,083 --> 00:16:37,375 I'm George Washington, with an "O," the future king of America. 353 00:16:37,458 --> 00:16:40,833 America? What the fuck is America, bro? 354 00:16:40,916 --> 00:16:42,333 [dude-bro 1] Yeah, what is it? 355 00:16:42,416 --> 00:16:43,458 [yells] Fucking tell us! 356 00:16:43,541 --> 00:16:46,875 Today, but the final whispered word of a dying man. 357 00:16:46,958 --> 00:16:51,458 But a year from now, with your help, the most powerful country in the world. 358 00:16:51,541 --> 00:16:54,125 A country free of British rule. 359 00:16:54,208 --> 00:16:57,416 Oh, fuck, man! I hate the British. 360 00:16:57,500 --> 00:17:00,916 They're always breaking up our peaceable free assemblies. 361 00:17:01,000 --> 00:17:02,250 [shouting] 362 00:17:02,333 --> 00:17:04,791 -Bro! Bro! Bro! -[whooping] 363 00:17:04,875 --> 00:17:05,708 Our parties. 364 00:17:05,791 --> 00:17:08,625 I call them "the fun police." [chuckles] 365 00:17:08,708 --> 00:17:10,791 -[dude-bro 1] Who would do that? -"The fun police." 366 00:17:10,875 --> 00:17:12,666 That is exactly what Abe used to call them! 367 00:17:12,750 --> 00:17:15,500 They hassle us because we like to blow shit up 368 00:17:15,583 --> 00:17:20,000 and get into fights with anybody who looks different than us. 369 00:17:20,083 --> 00:17:21,000 [all] Yeah! 370 00:17:21,083 --> 00:17:23,625 -Yeah, we're being oppressed! -Well, I mean-- 371 00:17:23,708 --> 00:17:28,333 Hell, we'd still be partying right now if they hadn't shut us down last night. 372 00:17:28,416 --> 00:17:29,916 It's 'cause of my beer. 373 00:17:30,000 --> 00:17:32,708 -The British, they just can't handle it. -[dude-bro 1] Yeah. 374 00:17:32,791 --> 00:17:35,208 -Beer? -[all] Beer! 375 00:17:35,791 --> 00:17:36,708 [dude-bros laughing] 376 00:17:37,666 --> 00:17:39,833 It's made from rotten grass. Try this shit. 377 00:17:39,916 --> 00:17:41,791 You're gonna love it. 378 00:17:41,875 --> 00:17:44,416 You don't even have to put cow dick milk in it. 379 00:17:44,500 --> 00:17:47,250 -Cow dick milk. Right. -This guy gets it. 380 00:17:48,708 --> 00:17:49,583 [slurps] 381 00:17:49,666 --> 00:17:51,166 [dramatic music playing] 382 00:17:53,125 --> 00:17:55,291 E Pluribus Unum, that's good! 383 00:17:55,375 --> 00:17:58,041 Right? Brits know, when this shit hits the market, 384 00:17:58,125 --> 00:18:01,208 their whole tea economy's gonna fucking implode. 385 00:18:01,291 --> 00:18:04,416 They're shitting in their pantaloons and it's diarrhea. 386 00:18:04,500 --> 00:18:06,708 So, we share an enemy. A cause. 387 00:18:06,791 --> 00:18:10,541 And I can see plainly that you share my testicular fortitude. 388 00:18:10,625 --> 00:18:12,875 I'll be honest with you, dude. I eat whatever I want. 389 00:18:12,958 --> 00:18:17,083 I never work out. I'm basically jacked from fucking. 390 00:18:17,166 --> 00:18:20,000 No shit! Your arms are bigger than your fuckin' thighs. 391 00:18:20,083 --> 00:18:22,291 -Look at those things. -That is a birth defect. 392 00:18:22,375 --> 00:18:24,416 Look, I have to ask. Do you have any skills? 393 00:18:24,500 --> 00:18:26,583 Skills that would, maybe, help win a war? 394 00:18:26,666 --> 00:18:27,875 [scoffs] 395 00:18:27,958 --> 00:18:31,500 Whoo! Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! Bingo! 396 00:18:31,583 --> 00:18:32,541 [gun firing] 397 00:18:32,625 --> 00:18:34,291 [dude-bros cheering] 398 00:18:34,375 --> 00:18:35,208 Whoo! 399 00:18:43,333 --> 00:18:46,500 Those the kind of skills you might be interested in, bruh? 400 00:18:46,583 --> 00:18:48,791 Indubitably, my friend. 401 00:18:48,875 --> 00:18:52,625 You pack quite the punch, Samuel Adams with an "A." 402 00:18:52,708 --> 00:18:54,375 [chuckles] You're damn right, I do. 403 00:18:54,458 --> 00:18:57,000 And I hope you got room for everybody. 404 00:18:57,083 --> 00:18:59,666 'Cause whatever I do, wherever I go, 405 00:18:59,750 --> 00:19:05,625 I do and go with every single one of my fraternity brothers. 406 00:19:05,708 --> 00:19:07,041 Where we at, boys? 407 00:19:07,125 --> 00:19:10,750 All right, pledges, circle up and grab some thumb lube. 408 00:19:10,833 --> 00:19:12,583 -Yeah! -[all cheering] 409 00:19:12,666 --> 00:19:14,333 Thumbs up their ass! 410 00:19:14,416 --> 00:19:15,750 You know what? You know what? 411 00:19:15,833 --> 00:19:18,166 It's just occurring to me now, it is hell week. 412 00:19:18,250 --> 00:19:20,166 These guys are gonna be so busy. 413 00:19:20,250 --> 00:19:22,208 -Uh, okay. -And covered in cum. 414 00:19:22,291 --> 00:19:23,125 I'm sorry, what? 415 00:19:23,208 --> 00:19:26,083 I'm gonna tell them to catch up later. Where to? What's the plan? 416 00:19:26,166 --> 00:19:28,208 Well, our team is not yet complete. 417 00:19:28,291 --> 00:19:30,750 To travel this great country, we're gonna need a horseman. 418 00:19:30,833 --> 00:19:32,208 The best in the colonies. 419 00:19:32,291 --> 00:19:34,000 But where to find such a man? 420 00:19:34,875 --> 00:19:37,583 Oh, I know a place. 421 00:19:38,166 --> 00:19:39,500 [hip-hop music playing] 422 00:19:39,583 --> 00:19:40,625 [neighs] 423 00:20:05,125 --> 00:20:05,958 [neighs] 424 00:20:13,791 --> 00:20:15,583 [crowd cheering] 425 00:20:15,666 --> 00:20:19,041 So, I don't know, how do we even know which one's the best horseman? 426 00:20:19,125 --> 00:20:20,791 Oh, you'll know, bro. 427 00:20:20,875 --> 00:20:24,916 These guys live their lives one quarter mule at a time. 428 00:20:25,000 --> 00:20:27,083 [rock music playing] 429 00:20:31,333 --> 00:20:32,750 -[crowd cheering] -[sniffs] 430 00:20:32,833 --> 00:20:33,708 [grunts] 431 00:20:34,583 --> 00:20:36,208 [neighs] 432 00:20:38,416 --> 00:20:39,583 [whips cracking] 433 00:20:41,208 --> 00:20:42,958 [grunts] 434 00:20:44,291 --> 00:20:45,541 [neighs] 435 00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:49,375 [man exclaiming] 436 00:21:02,666 --> 00:21:04,041 [screams] 437 00:21:04,875 --> 00:21:06,541 [crowd cheering] 438 00:21:06,625 --> 00:21:08,750 Who is that? 439 00:21:08,833 --> 00:21:11,166 Paul Revere! 440 00:21:11,250 --> 00:21:13,750 [grunts] Sorry about the horse, Paul. 441 00:21:13,833 --> 00:21:15,666 [George] Mr. Revere? Sir? 442 00:21:15,750 --> 00:21:18,833 Sir Revere, your country needs you. 443 00:21:18,916 --> 00:21:19,958 [snorts] 444 00:21:20,583 --> 00:21:21,875 Hi! I won the race! 445 00:21:21,958 --> 00:21:23,666 Did you see me? I'm good at horses. 446 00:21:23,750 --> 00:21:26,125 Who are you guys? Will you be my new human friends? 447 00:21:26,208 --> 00:21:28,083 I mean, new just friends, 448 00:21:28,166 --> 00:21:30,208 because I have tons of human friends already, 449 00:21:30,291 --> 00:21:32,208 and not just horse friends. [laughs nervously] 450 00:21:32,291 --> 00:21:34,625 Ooh, I see what I did here. Now, this is my bad. 451 00:21:34,708 --> 00:21:37,875 -[sirens blaring] -Cheese it! It's the fun police! 452 00:21:37,958 --> 00:21:39,000 [crowd clamoring] 453 00:21:39,083 --> 00:21:41,166 [man] Go, man! Redcoat! 454 00:21:41,250 --> 00:21:44,208 Go! Let's get outta here! Come on, come on! 455 00:21:48,625 --> 00:21:51,041 Ah, the British are such a drag. 456 00:21:51,125 --> 00:21:53,500 They're like the world's shittiest stepdad. 457 00:21:53,583 --> 00:21:54,583 [imitates a horse] 458 00:21:54,666 --> 00:21:57,666 That's what my dad sounds like. If I was raised by horses. 459 00:21:57,750 --> 00:21:59,208 But I definitely wasn't. 460 00:21:59,291 --> 00:22:01,875 I have a human dad, just like you guys. [chuckles] 461 00:22:01,958 --> 00:22:03,041 [Samuel] Yeah, great. 462 00:22:03,125 --> 00:22:05,333 And that's why we're best friends, right? 463 00:22:05,416 --> 00:22:06,708 Yeah. Sure, bud. 464 00:22:06,791 --> 00:22:09,291 Listen, if we're gonna have any shot at this at all, 465 00:22:09,375 --> 00:22:12,458 we need more pledges. I'm talking real heavy hitters. 466 00:22:12,541 --> 00:22:13,416 Oh, you know what? 467 00:22:13,500 --> 00:22:16,291 I heard they got a sorcerer in the square, lighting it up tonight. 468 00:22:16,375 --> 00:22:17,208 [indistinct chatter] 469 00:22:17,291 --> 00:22:18,541 [man] Wanted in all-- 470 00:22:18,625 --> 00:22:21,208 [Samuel] Oh, "lighting it up." [chuckles] Okay. 471 00:22:21,291 --> 00:22:26,291 Having committed heresy in the eyes of our Lord and Savior, King James, 472 00:22:26,375 --> 00:22:29,916 the condemned is found guilty of the crimes of… 473 00:22:30,000 --> 00:22:33,666 creating a hypothesis, testing that hypothesis, 474 00:22:33,750 --> 00:22:37,250 and drawing conclusions that refine that hypothesis. 475 00:22:37,333 --> 00:22:42,208 Thomas Edison, for these crimes of practicing science-craft, 476 00:22:42,291 --> 00:22:47,000 you are hereby sentenced to death by fire. 477 00:22:47,083 --> 00:22:48,333 [townspeople booing] 478 00:22:49,291 --> 00:22:50,125 [chains jingle] 479 00:22:53,708 --> 00:22:56,500 Well, shit. What are we gonna do now? 480 00:22:56,583 --> 00:22:57,625 Uh… oh! 481 00:22:57,708 --> 00:23:00,750 How do you feel about endurance magicians? 482 00:23:00,833 --> 00:23:01,875 [bubbling, exploding] 483 00:23:01,958 --> 00:23:03,041 Oh, my God! 484 00:23:03,125 --> 00:23:05,583 -[woman screaming] -The demon is resistant to fire-- Oh! 485 00:23:07,208 --> 00:23:08,208 [indistinct shouting] 486 00:23:09,875 --> 00:23:11,250 [electricity buzzing] 487 00:23:20,291 --> 00:23:22,333 Wow! This guy, am I right? 488 00:23:22,416 --> 00:23:24,875 -I vote we never piss him off. -[both] Agreed. 489 00:23:24,958 --> 00:23:25,958 Vote passed. 490 00:23:26,041 --> 00:23:27,916 -[all] Fuckin' democracy! -[eagle screeches] 491 00:23:28,000 --> 00:23:28,833 We're doin' it! 492 00:23:30,833 --> 00:23:33,166 Thomas Edison, you are said to be 493 00:23:33,250 --> 00:23:35,875 the preeminent sorcerer in all the colonies, 494 00:23:35,958 --> 00:23:38,166 eons ahead of all your contemporaries. 495 00:23:38,250 --> 00:23:40,333 We seek to recruit you for a mission. 496 00:23:40,416 --> 00:23:43,291 We literally cannot succeed without you! 497 00:23:43,375 --> 00:23:44,416 What the-- 498 00:23:44,500 --> 00:23:46,833 Oh, I'm sorry. Were you expecting someone else? 499 00:23:46,916 --> 00:23:49,958 Oh, shit. Oh, shit. It's a chick. It's a chick! 500 00:23:50,041 --> 00:23:52,958 I'm sorry. There's been a bit of a mix-up, I think? 501 00:23:53,041 --> 00:23:54,416 Yeah, no such luck, dorks. 502 00:23:54,500 --> 00:23:56,833 You're looking for Thomas Edison, ya got her. 503 00:23:56,916 --> 00:23:58,750 But Thomas is a man's name. 504 00:23:58,833 --> 00:24:02,333 I mean, my name is Thomas, so… 505 00:24:02,416 --> 00:24:05,750 Impossible! I have to say the obvious. 506 00:24:05,833 --> 00:24:08,750 -What is wrong with your skin? -What's wrong with my skin? 507 00:24:08,833 --> 00:24:10,291 What is wrong… I'm sorry. 508 00:24:10,375 --> 00:24:13,708 [yelling] What is wrong with your skin? 509 00:24:13,791 --> 00:24:15,875 Whoa! Bro, take it easy. 510 00:24:15,958 --> 00:24:17,416 Don't worry, I can handle this. 511 00:24:17,500 --> 00:24:21,458 There is nothing wrong with my skin. I'm Chinese. 512 00:24:21,541 --> 00:24:23,125 -Huh? -I'm from China. 513 00:24:23,208 --> 00:24:24,958 -Huh? -I'm an immigrant. 514 00:24:25,041 --> 00:24:27,416 I came here from another country. Like you. 515 00:24:27,500 --> 00:24:29,791 Oh, no! No, no, no. 516 00:24:29,875 --> 00:24:31,958 My people have always been here. 517 00:24:32,041 --> 00:24:35,000 That's why we make the rules, baby! 518 00:24:35,083 --> 00:24:36,833 [scoffs] Except you don't, dumbass. 519 00:24:36,916 --> 00:24:38,666 Ooh, you got burned! 520 00:24:38,750 --> 00:24:40,416 Isn't that why you've come to me? 521 00:24:40,500 --> 00:24:42,333 Because you need help toppling the British? 522 00:24:42,416 --> 00:24:45,583 Yes! [chuckles] Exactly! That is… Wait, how did you know that? 523 00:24:45,666 --> 00:24:48,458 Word travels fast in these parts, George Washington with an "O." 524 00:24:48,541 --> 00:24:50,833 I… I don't know. Now that I'm thinking about it, 525 00:24:50,916 --> 00:24:54,125 sorcerers are so 1775, am I right? 526 00:24:54,208 --> 00:24:56,291 Cool, because I'm not a sorcerer. 527 00:24:56,375 --> 00:24:57,791 I'm a scientist. 528 00:24:57,875 --> 00:24:59,208 [laughing] 529 00:25:00,416 --> 00:25:02,583 There's no such thing as science. 530 00:25:02,666 --> 00:25:05,875 Oh, my God, did you guys hear that? 531 00:25:05,958 --> 00:25:08,333 -Really? No such thing as science, huh? -[Samuel] Yeah. 532 00:25:08,416 --> 00:25:09,791 Then what do you call this? 533 00:25:09,875 --> 00:25:12,000 Science! 534 00:25:12,666 --> 00:25:14,041 -[exploding] -[all] Oh! Wow! 535 00:25:14,125 --> 00:25:16,958 -Yay! -Yeah, I call them conduction gloves. 536 00:25:17,041 --> 00:25:20,208 The science is simple, really. They harness the subatomic-- 537 00:25:20,291 --> 00:25:23,250 Oh, wait, no, don't tell us, dude. That's gonna ruin the trick. 538 00:25:23,333 --> 00:25:25,041 Yeah, it's more fun not to know! 539 00:25:25,125 --> 00:25:27,750 Okay, guys, let's put our heads together here on this one. 540 00:25:27,833 --> 00:25:30,208 There's gotta be another Thomas Edison, right? 541 00:25:30,291 --> 00:25:31,708 Like a man Thomas Edison. 542 00:25:31,791 --> 00:25:34,375 Oh, yeah, there is. There's Thomas Edisen with an "E," 543 00:25:34,458 --> 00:25:36,000 the professional wrestler. 544 00:25:36,083 --> 00:25:37,666 Ah, that's him. Let's go get him. 545 00:25:37,750 --> 00:25:40,125 He's cool. Big dude. Wears spandex, if you're into that. 546 00:25:40,208 --> 00:25:43,625 But he can't help you defeat an entire army. I can. 547 00:25:43,708 --> 00:25:45,625 You would stand with us against the British? 548 00:25:45,708 --> 00:25:48,833 [inhales] Bet your ass. Those guys suck. 549 00:25:48,916 --> 00:25:50,416 I'm just doing science. 550 00:25:50,500 --> 00:25:53,125 And because they don't understand it, they want to kill me? 551 00:25:53,208 --> 00:25:54,708 Man, fuck those dicks. 552 00:25:54,791 --> 00:25:57,000 Science is supposed to be fun and they're ruining it. 553 00:25:57,083 --> 00:25:59,458 Yeah, right? We even call 'em the fun police. 554 00:25:59,541 --> 00:26:02,041 [chuckling] Oh, man, that's good. Can I use that? 555 00:26:02,125 --> 00:26:03,291 Uh, no. 556 00:26:03,375 --> 00:26:05,166 Problem. No problem. 557 00:26:05,250 --> 00:26:07,625 So, Edison, you're obviously a great thinker. 558 00:26:07,708 --> 00:26:08,875 What would you have us do now? 559 00:26:08,958 --> 00:26:11,125 [scoffs] James has got eyes and ears everywhere. 560 00:26:11,208 --> 00:26:12,875 If we're gonna blow up his spot, 561 00:26:12,958 --> 00:26:15,250 we need someone who knows this land better than James. 562 00:26:15,333 --> 00:26:16,416 Whoa, whoa, whoa. 563 00:26:16,500 --> 00:26:19,375 You can't possibly be suggesting-- 564 00:26:19,916 --> 00:26:22,541 [narrator] He was a tracker, best in the world, 565 00:26:22,625 --> 00:26:26,500 until he was sent to a British prison for a crime he didn't commit. 566 00:26:26,583 --> 00:26:28,541 Now, he prowls the badlands, 567 00:26:28,625 --> 00:26:31,250 tracking for those who can't track for themselves. 568 00:26:31,333 --> 00:26:33,708 If you have a problem and you can find him, 569 00:26:33,791 --> 00:26:36,416 -maybe you can hire Geronimo. -[eagle screeches] 570 00:26:36,500 --> 00:26:37,333 [engine revving] 571 00:26:41,125 --> 00:26:42,250 [sniffs] 572 00:26:54,166 --> 00:26:55,083 [growls] 573 00:27:04,250 --> 00:27:06,375 All right, what do you chuds want? 574 00:27:06,458 --> 00:27:08,125 Hey, you play lax, bro? 575 00:27:08,208 --> 00:27:09,500 Seth-chee. 576 00:27:09,583 --> 00:27:12,208 My people invented lacrosse, all right, bro? 577 00:27:12,291 --> 00:27:14,500 [chuckles] Sure, man. Sure. 578 00:27:14,583 --> 00:27:17,750 We come as friends, mighty Geronimo… 579 00:27:17,833 --> 00:27:19,458 Nay, nay, we come as brothers. 580 00:27:19,541 --> 00:27:22,958 Mmm, Just doesn't feel right. Feels like you're gonna try to fuck me. 581 00:27:23,041 --> 00:27:24,583 What? We wouldn't, never! 582 00:27:24,666 --> 00:27:27,625 Yeah, no, I think you might. 583 00:27:27,708 --> 00:27:31,000 Like, epically, all the way down to my descendants. 584 00:27:31,083 --> 00:27:33,083 I got a sixth sense for this shit. 585 00:27:33,166 --> 00:27:34,833 No, our word is strong, 586 00:27:34,916 --> 00:27:38,291 like your mighty Indian tribe, the, um… the… 587 00:27:38,875 --> 00:27:40,000 Ch… 588 00:27:40,083 --> 00:27:41,083 No. 589 00:27:41,166 --> 00:27:43,125 The Chicory? 590 00:27:43,208 --> 00:27:44,625 Kay yay. 591 00:27:44,708 --> 00:27:45,666 Squa… 592 00:27:45,750 --> 00:27:48,541 Sha… Sass… Sasquatch! Sasquatch. 593 00:27:48,625 --> 00:27:50,333 -Gotta be Sasquatch. There we go. -Yes. 594 00:27:50,416 --> 00:27:53,750 Our word is strong, like your mighty tribe, the Sasquatch. 595 00:27:53,833 --> 00:27:56,458 [groans] Fine. What do you want? 596 00:27:56,541 --> 00:27:59,000 -We seek to topple the British. -I'm in. 597 00:27:59,083 --> 00:28:00,958 -Now, hear us out-- -Again, I'm in. 598 00:28:01,041 --> 00:28:03,666 -Not sure how much you know about them. -Uh, quite a bit. 599 00:28:03,750 --> 00:28:06,416 They are really, really shitty buzzkills. 600 00:28:06,500 --> 00:28:08,958 -Really? -Yeah, we call them, get this, here… 601 00:28:09,041 --> 00:28:11,416 -Ready? The fun police. -"The fun police"? 602 00:28:11,500 --> 00:28:13,750 Yeah. They all have all these rules. 603 00:28:13,833 --> 00:28:16,416 No one's allowed to have a single independent thought, 604 00:28:16,500 --> 00:28:18,541 and they're always taxing the shit out of everybody! 605 00:28:18,625 --> 00:28:20,208 Yeah, that sounds rough. 606 00:28:20,291 --> 00:28:22,583 [sniffs] My issue is just that they took my land, 607 00:28:22,666 --> 00:28:24,500 poisoned my people to the brink of extinction, 608 00:28:24,583 --> 00:28:26,583 and murdered everyone I've ever cared for. 609 00:28:26,666 --> 00:28:28,750 So… real buzzkill. 610 00:28:28,833 --> 00:28:31,833 That is classic fun police. Those guys have no chill. 611 00:28:31,916 --> 00:28:33,083 -Right? -Chief Geronimo-- 612 00:28:33,166 --> 00:28:34,875 -Just Geronimo is fine. -Just Geronimo-- 613 00:28:34,958 --> 00:28:35,791 Oh, God. 614 00:28:35,875 --> 00:28:38,083 We can't give you back your family. 615 00:28:38,166 --> 00:28:42,916 But join us and I promise you justice will finally be served. 616 00:28:43,000 --> 00:28:45,291 So, you're telling me that if I help you, 617 00:28:45,375 --> 00:28:47,375 when you win this land back from King James, 618 00:28:47,458 --> 00:28:49,125 you'll give it back to me and my family? 619 00:28:49,208 --> 00:28:51,333 -Absolutely. -[chuckles] Totally. 620 00:28:51,416 --> 00:28:52,416 [clears throat] 621 00:28:53,208 --> 00:28:55,750 -All of it? The whole enchilada? -Well, I mean-- 622 00:28:55,833 --> 00:28:57,166 [chuckles] Yeah, you bet we will. 623 00:28:57,250 --> 00:28:59,583 Sam, man, can I get a quick sidebar with you? 624 00:28:59,666 --> 00:29:02,166 You know what? I'm probably just being paranoid. 625 00:29:02,250 --> 00:29:05,500 So, what's the plan now, and does it involve Doritos? 626 00:29:05,583 --> 00:29:06,875 Nope, better. 627 00:29:07,500 --> 00:29:08,583 A handkerchief. 628 00:29:08,666 --> 00:29:11,791 [foghorn blaring] 629 00:29:18,666 --> 00:29:20,541 [ominous music playing] 630 00:29:34,125 --> 00:29:35,625 [Benedict] Greetings, Your Highness. 631 00:29:35,708 --> 00:29:38,541 May I be the first to welcome you to your New World? 632 00:29:38,625 --> 00:29:42,500 You may dispense with the pleasantries, Arnold. 633 00:29:42,583 --> 00:29:44,291 Such as they are. 634 00:29:44,375 --> 00:29:47,541 Yes, and this is, like, the nice part of town. 635 00:29:47,625 --> 00:29:51,125 Well, it smells like shit, which reminds me, 636 00:29:51,208 --> 00:29:53,541 I need to make room for second breakfast. 637 00:29:53,625 --> 00:29:56,833 I've had my fill of mushy peas and blood sausage. 638 00:29:56,916 --> 00:29:59,458 [Benedict] Yes, accommodations at the top of your obelisk 639 00:29:59,541 --> 00:30:01,000 are more well-suited, my king. 640 00:30:01,083 --> 00:30:05,833 Then, I can assume everything is proceeding as I have foreseen. 641 00:30:05,916 --> 00:30:07,875 Yes, your plan is proceeding. 642 00:30:07,958 --> 00:30:09,333 But we have had trouble 643 00:30:09,416 --> 00:30:12,166 with a certain colonist not falling in line. 644 00:30:12,250 --> 00:30:14,416 Well, has he read the rules? 645 00:30:15,125 --> 00:30:19,416 The rules should always be posted clearly in a public place 646 00:30:19,500 --> 00:30:21,875 where everyone can read them. 647 00:30:21,958 --> 00:30:24,500 Oh, can he… can he not read? 648 00:30:24,583 --> 00:30:27,583 Well, no, he has read them, Your Highness. 649 00:30:27,666 --> 00:30:30,666 However, he has chosen not to follow them. 650 00:30:30,750 --> 00:30:34,041 -[sputtering] But they are the rules! -I know! 651 00:30:34,125 --> 00:30:38,875 What is the point of being a ruler if people are not following your rules? 652 00:30:38,958 --> 00:30:41,083 This is, like, King Shit 101! 653 00:30:41,166 --> 00:30:43,041 I understand, my king. 654 00:30:43,125 --> 00:30:44,291 Not following the… 655 00:30:44,375 --> 00:30:47,625 [voice trembling] Arnold, why, do you know what this is? 656 00:30:47,708 --> 00:30:50,666 -I do. -It's rebellion! 657 00:30:50,750 --> 00:30:51,708 By definition. 658 00:30:51,791 --> 00:30:55,500 We cannot allow anything to stop my plan, Arnold! 659 00:30:55,583 --> 00:30:58,250 Crush this illiterate rebel scum! 660 00:30:58,333 --> 00:31:00,416 It will be my pleasure. 661 00:31:01,125 --> 00:31:02,625 Excellent. 662 00:31:04,583 --> 00:31:07,416 [Samuel] Dudes, are we close yet? I'm getting hangry. 663 00:31:07,500 --> 00:31:08,583 I could definitely eat. 664 00:31:08,666 --> 00:31:11,375 Oh, I saw a Boston Wild Wings about a mile back. 665 00:31:11,458 --> 00:31:12,583 What's a mile? 666 00:31:12,666 --> 00:31:15,083 And I could totally crush some B-dubs right now. 667 00:31:15,166 --> 00:31:17,416 Hey, hey! Knock it off, guys. 668 00:31:17,500 --> 00:31:19,583 First, we start a revolution. 669 00:31:19,666 --> 00:31:21,750 Then we can have all the Boston Wild Wings 670 00:31:21,833 --> 00:31:23,041 that we've ever dreamed of, 671 00:31:23,125 --> 00:31:25,750 just like our forefathers prophesized, okay? 672 00:31:25,833 --> 00:31:27,791 Now, Geronimo, what do you got? 673 00:31:27,875 --> 00:31:30,708 Uh, tracking isn't an exact science. 674 00:31:30,791 --> 00:31:33,458 This is a handkerchief. What do you think I am? A dog? 675 00:31:33,541 --> 00:31:36,750 [chuckles] Okay, I know this is a trick question, 676 00:31:36,833 --> 00:31:40,083 so I'm gonna go with my immediate impulse. Yes. 677 00:31:40,166 --> 00:31:41,583 Fuck you, dude. [sniffs] 678 00:31:41,666 --> 00:31:43,750 -Yeah, he's in there. -[redcoat 1] Ello, guv'ner. 679 00:31:43,833 --> 00:31:46,208 -[redcoat 2] Ello, guv'ner. -Ello, guv! 680 00:31:46,291 --> 00:31:48,166 [all] Ello, guv'ner. 681 00:31:48,250 --> 00:31:49,833 All right, that's a lot of men. 682 00:31:49,916 --> 00:31:52,166 And it's a sure bet that there's even more inside. 683 00:31:52,250 --> 00:31:54,916 Wait, are we seriously thinkin' about goin' in there? 684 00:31:55,000 --> 00:31:58,125 -Look at this place! It's a quagmire! -[all] Guv'ner! 685 00:31:58,208 --> 00:32:00,958 Guys, we could be here for years and accomplish nothing. 686 00:32:01,041 --> 00:32:04,125 You're right. But we'd be accomplishing nothing… 687 00:32:04,750 --> 00:32:05,916 for America. 688 00:32:06,541 --> 00:32:08,458 Guys, I can't ask you to go in there with me. 689 00:32:08,541 --> 00:32:09,375 Phew! 690 00:32:09,458 --> 00:32:11,666 -Yeah, good, because no. -Great. Good luck. 691 00:32:11,750 --> 00:32:13,250 Whoa, whoa, wait, hold on. 692 00:32:13,333 --> 00:32:16,250 I thought I'd be all like, "No, don't. I can do it." 693 00:32:16,333 --> 00:32:19,708 And then you guys would be like, "No, I'll come, don't worry." 694 00:32:19,791 --> 00:32:23,291 I never know the right thing to say when I'm tryin' to lead. This sucks! 695 00:32:23,375 --> 00:32:27,708 So, yeah, I guess I am. I'm asking you to go in there with me. 696 00:32:29,500 --> 00:32:31,041 Will you please go in there with me? 697 00:32:31,625 --> 00:32:34,333 Huh, well, with a pep talk like that, how could I say no? 698 00:32:34,416 --> 00:32:37,875 Pfft, whatever. Let's just go kick some Redcoat ass! 699 00:32:37,958 --> 00:32:41,125 Wait, wait, wait! At least… Just let me do an entrance thing. 700 00:32:41,208 --> 00:32:43,250 [redcoat] Guv'ner? [grunts] 701 00:32:43,333 --> 00:32:46,291 Ding dong! It's America, motherfucker! 702 00:32:46,375 --> 00:32:48,875 Oh, Georgie! Well, color me surprised. 703 00:32:48,958 --> 00:32:51,000 Oh, I'll color you fuckin' dead, Ben! 704 00:32:51,083 --> 00:32:52,875 [laughs] Bravo! 705 00:32:52,958 --> 00:32:55,833 Did you practice that line in the car on your way here? 706 00:32:55,916 --> 00:32:57,250 What the fuck is a car? 707 00:32:57,333 --> 00:33:00,333 And, no, it was a rebuttal to something that you just said! 708 00:33:00,416 --> 00:33:02,041 How could I have thought of it in advance 709 00:33:02,125 --> 00:33:04,750 if you said it just now and I came up with the perfect rebuttal? 710 00:33:04,833 --> 00:33:06,416 Oh, pardon me. 711 00:33:06,500 --> 00:33:09,458 I forgot you aren't versed in the gentlemanly art of debate, 712 00:33:09,541 --> 00:33:11,250 like your best friend, Abe Lincoln. 713 00:33:11,333 --> 00:33:15,916 Oh, or should I say ex-best friend? 714 00:33:16,000 --> 00:33:17,125 [laughs] 715 00:33:17,208 --> 00:33:18,875 -Because he's dead. -Damn, he's good. 716 00:33:18,958 --> 00:33:20,583 -All right, fuck this. -[glass shatters] 717 00:33:22,875 --> 00:33:26,416 -[motor revs] -[yelling] For Abe! 718 00:33:26,500 --> 00:33:27,958 [objects clattering] 719 00:33:28,041 --> 00:33:30,833 -[Samuel] Yippie-kay-yay, motherfu-- Whoa! -[electrical buzzing] 720 00:33:30,916 --> 00:33:33,166 -[Samuel] Watch it, witch! -[Edison] You watch it, dick! 721 00:33:36,291 --> 00:33:38,333 [George] Yeah. Well, that could've gone better. 722 00:33:38,416 --> 00:33:41,291 Ya think? Edison almost got everybody killed! 723 00:33:41,375 --> 00:33:44,333 -Everybody almost got everybody killed! -Where's Arnold? 724 00:33:44,416 --> 00:33:47,500 And where's Geronimo? He smells like campfire. 725 00:33:52,541 --> 00:33:54,583 You carry an unusual scent for a man. 726 00:33:55,125 --> 00:33:57,083 Almost like you're not a man at all, but a-- 727 00:33:57,166 --> 00:33:58,208 [growls] 728 00:33:58,291 --> 00:33:59,375 [grunts] 729 00:33:59,458 --> 00:34:01,166 Stay and fight, you dick! 730 00:34:01,250 --> 00:34:03,166 Damn it! Oh, my God! Geronimo! 731 00:34:03,250 --> 00:34:04,541 That bastard bit me! 732 00:34:04,625 --> 00:34:06,916 It can't be. I thought they were just a myth. 733 00:34:07,000 --> 00:34:10,333 The Navajo have a name for their kind. Skinwalker. 734 00:34:10,416 --> 00:34:12,125 I won't live with this curse. 735 00:34:12,208 --> 00:34:14,041 -Hand me my ax. -Are you sure? 736 00:34:14,125 --> 00:34:15,666 Does my grandfather shit in the woods? 737 00:34:15,750 --> 00:34:18,375 Um, I… Does he? I didn't know him. 738 00:34:18,458 --> 00:34:20,125 It's what we call bears. 739 00:34:21,000 --> 00:34:23,000 We call bears "grandfather." 740 00:34:23,083 --> 00:34:25,125 Fuck it, just give me my ax! 741 00:34:25,208 --> 00:34:26,500 [breathing heavily] 742 00:34:28,166 --> 00:34:29,333 [screams] 743 00:34:31,500 --> 00:34:33,916 Whoa, whoa, Geronimo! What happened? Are you okay? 744 00:34:34,000 --> 00:34:35,333 Go! I'll take care of him. 745 00:34:35,416 --> 00:34:38,208 She's right, he's not important. Arnold's getting away! 746 00:34:38,291 --> 00:34:39,541 [horse neighs] 747 00:34:39,625 --> 00:34:42,625 No! No. We never leave a man behind. 748 00:34:42,708 --> 00:34:45,500 Edison, dress that wound. Paul, call your horse. 749 00:34:45,583 --> 00:34:47,666 Hey, Clyde! 750 00:34:47,750 --> 00:34:49,708 ["Yankee And The Brave" playing] 751 00:34:52,083 --> 00:34:54,375 -That way! -Run, Clyde, run! 752 00:35:00,000 --> 00:35:01,666 [explodes] 753 00:35:05,833 --> 00:35:07,041 [neighs] 754 00:35:10,583 --> 00:35:12,291 [sirens blaring] 755 00:35:31,041 --> 00:35:32,375 [explodes] 756 00:35:39,875 --> 00:35:41,083 [cackles] 757 00:35:47,541 --> 00:35:49,750 -Whoa, whoa, whoa! -[hooves screeching] 758 00:35:58,416 --> 00:35:59,333 [neighs] 759 00:36:00,041 --> 00:36:03,166 Welcome to hell… acopter? 760 00:36:03,250 --> 00:36:06,291 I'm still working on it. I don't love it, but I don't hate it. 761 00:36:09,833 --> 00:36:13,541 -[Edison] Paul, you were amazing. -[Paul] Aw, thank you, human lady friend. 762 00:36:13,625 --> 00:36:16,875 And, Sam, your propensity for murder is extraordinary. 763 00:36:16,958 --> 00:36:20,375 Thank you. I took murder lessons from John Wick. 764 00:36:20,458 --> 00:36:22,458 -[gasps] The candle maker? -Yeah! 765 00:36:22,541 --> 00:36:25,875 That dude is a fuckin' psycho! [laughs] 766 00:36:25,958 --> 00:36:27,583 Yo, check it. The carriage stopped. 767 00:36:27,666 --> 00:36:29,416 [George] But why would he stop here? 768 00:36:29,500 --> 00:36:30,833 The road to Delaware! 769 00:36:33,333 --> 00:36:35,583 Sea-Doo, bitches! 770 00:36:36,625 --> 00:36:39,416 Paul, can your sizable steed clear that river? 771 00:36:39,500 --> 00:36:42,208 -Only one way to find out. -[neighs] 772 00:36:43,791 --> 00:36:45,416 In God I trust. 773 00:36:45,500 --> 00:36:46,500 [neighs] 774 00:36:49,041 --> 00:36:51,416 [all] Whoa! 775 00:36:51,500 --> 00:36:52,625 [Samuel] Oh, shit. 776 00:36:53,583 --> 00:36:55,000 [all coughing] 777 00:36:55,083 --> 00:36:57,833 He shorted it, Paul. Hey, Paul, he shorted it. 778 00:36:57,916 --> 00:37:01,083 Clyde! His natural buoyancy can support us all! 779 00:37:01,166 --> 00:37:03,083 [George coughing] Jesus Christ! 780 00:37:03,166 --> 00:37:06,041 Did you know that your horse could swim that fast? 781 00:37:06,125 --> 00:37:08,500 Oh, yeah, Clyde's a great swimmer. 782 00:37:08,583 --> 00:37:12,166 He's great at so many things. So proud! 783 00:37:13,625 --> 00:37:14,625 [gasps] 784 00:37:15,958 --> 00:37:19,208 Thank you, Geronimo. Your hair looks even better wet. 785 00:37:19,291 --> 00:37:21,625 Y'all a bunch of idiots. 786 00:37:21,708 --> 00:37:24,166 [sighs] This feels like the end… 787 00:37:24,250 --> 00:37:26,750 of the first act… of my life. 788 00:37:27,416 --> 00:37:28,791 All hope is lost. 789 00:37:29,500 --> 00:37:32,791 What do we even do now? Where do we go from here? 790 00:37:32,875 --> 00:37:35,041 [gasps] Where we go isn't the question. 791 00:37:35,125 --> 00:37:37,208 The question is, 792 00:37:37,291 --> 00:37:40,500 do we bring an entree or a fucking dessert? 793 00:37:43,125 --> 00:37:47,000 [Edison] Oh, guys, Gettysburg is impossibly vast. 794 00:37:47,083 --> 00:37:50,541 Finding this address is like finding a needle in a haystack. 795 00:37:50,625 --> 00:37:52,375 Yeah, Edison's right. Let's just give up. 796 00:37:52,458 --> 00:37:55,666 -That is not what I said. -What? Dudes, look, we tried. 797 00:37:55,750 --> 00:37:58,916 One thing. We literally tried one thing. 798 00:37:59,000 --> 00:38:00,958 Yeah, and it didn't work. 799 00:38:01,041 --> 00:38:03,041 -[horn sounds] -We all got wet, Edison. God! 800 00:38:03,125 --> 00:38:04,666 Look, this isn't fun anymore. 801 00:38:04,750 --> 00:38:06,958 Uh, I can fix that. 802 00:38:07,041 --> 00:38:09,083 Let's get hammered! 803 00:38:09,166 --> 00:38:13,500 Then, fuck it, we hit the streets mob-rules style. 804 00:38:13,583 --> 00:38:16,458 Anyone we see who doesn't look like us, 805 00:38:16,541 --> 00:38:19,583 they see the bottom of our boots! 806 00:38:19,666 --> 00:38:20,916 Oh, my God. 807 00:38:21,000 --> 00:38:24,041 Okay, fine, no Indians this time. Ooh, geez. 808 00:38:24,125 --> 00:38:27,333 Oh, my God. I don't know how many times I have to tell you, Sam. 809 00:38:27,416 --> 00:38:30,500 -This is not India. -Also, you're a fucking racist. 810 00:38:30,583 --> 00:38:33,166 Uh, no, Paul's the racist. 811 00:38:33,250 --> 00:38:35,416 He's the best horse racist in the colonies. 812 00:38:35,500 --> 00:38:37,333 Yeah, I'm a great racist. 813 00:38:37,416 --> 00:38:38,791 Holy shit. 814 00:38:38,875 --> 00:38:40,666 -[plucking guitar string] -[sighs] 815 00:38:40,750 --> 00:38:44,333 [singing] A… A… A… A… A… 816 00:38:44,416 --> 00:38:47,291 Who wants pizza rolls and purple stuff? 817 00:38:47,375 --> 00:38:51,000 -Oh, wow, Chief Geronimo! -Just Geronimo is fine. 818 00:38:51,083 --> 00:38:53,500 -You're the famous renegade tracker. -Sure. 819 00:38:53,583 --> 00:38:57,166 And [gasps] you're Thomas Edison, the world-renowned scientist! 820 00:38:57,250 --> 00:38:58,541 [scoffs] The same. 821 00:38:58,625 --> 00:39:01,250 Wow, George, the team is really shaping up nicely. 822 00:39:01,333 --> 00:39:04,208 Oh, no. No, we're not a team anymore, Martha. We quit. 823 00:39:04,291 --> 00:39:06,458 -What? -Besides, the revolution was Abe's thing. 824 00:39:06,541 --> 00:39:08,666 I tried to avenge him, but we blew it. 825 00:39:08,750 --> 00:39:11,208 Now, we're just gonna jam a bit and slam some beers. 826 00:39:11,291 --> 00:39:12,875 This is a basic blues riff, guys. 827 00:39:12,958 --> 00:39:16,208 Just watch me for the changes. All right, losers, let's party. 828 00:39:16,291 --> 00:39:20,333 No! George Bon Jovi Washington, you do not get to party. 829 00:39:20,416 --> 00:39:22,833 -What? -Would Abe want to party right now? 830 00:39:22,916 --> 00:39:24,375 Abe never wanted to party. 831 00:39:24,458 --> 00:39:28,583 Because he had goals, unrealized dreams. 832 00:39:28,666 --> 00:39:31,791 But you bet your ass once those dreams were realized, 833 00:39:31,875 --> 00:39:34,791 he would've snorted a line as long as the Magna Carta. 834 00:39:34,875 --> 00:39:37,375 Really? No. Abe? My Abe? 835 00:39:37,458 --> 00:39:39,208 Are you kidding? With that head? 836 00:39:39,291 --> 00:39:44,208 [laughs] Dude was all sinus. He was made for the marching powder. 837 00:39:44,291 --> 00:39:45,500 Not how cocaine works. 838 00:39:45,583 --> 00:39:48,708 Now, those goals are your goals. 839 00:39:48,791 --> 00:39:52,666 Those unrealized dreams are your unrealized dreams. 840 00:39:52,750 --> 00:39:55,125 That's the promise that you made, right? 841 00:39:55,208 --> 00:39:57,541 So, achieve those goals. 842 00:39:57,625 --> 00:39:59,458 Realize those dreams. 843 00:39:59,541 --> 00:40:03,333 And then, you can party like a rich white man 844 00:40:03,416 --> 00:40:08,291 who will never face adversity for the rest of his glorious life! 845 00:40:08,958 --> 00:40:11,416 You're right. I have to earn it. 846 00:40:11,500 --> 00:40:13,625 That is what Abe would want, 847 00:40:13,708 --> 00:40:16,291 that insane coke-hound! [chuckles] 848 00:40:16,375 --> 00:40:18,041 Guys, I've thought about it. 849 00:40:18,125 --> 00:40:20,166 I'm willing to give it another shot if you are. 850 00:40:20,250 --> 00:40:21,541 -What do you say? -Sure, man. 851 00:40:21,625 --> 00:40:22,750 Um, you're the one who quit. 852 00:40:22,833 --> 00:40:26,458 If we can find Arnold, we can force the Gettysburg Address out of him. 853 00:40:26,541 --> 00:40:29,750 Oh, I'm sorry, did none of you notice my fucking arm? 854 00:40:29,833 --> 00:40:32,000 Benedict Arnold is a werewolf! 855 00:40:32,625 --> 00:40:34,416 In some cultures, known as a skinwalker. 856 00:40:34,500 --> 00:40:37,833 He ain't givin' up shit unless he thinks we're an actual threat to him. 857 00:40:37,916 --> 00:40:39,666 The only way to be an actual threat to him-- 858 00:40:39,750 --> 00:40:42,041 Is if we have a silver bullet. 859 00:40:42,125 --> 00:40:44,333 -Exactly. -Wait, what are we doing again? 860 00:40:44,416 --> 00:40:47,125 A silver bullet? Who could ever even make such a thing? 861 00:40:47,208 --> 00:40:48,458 I know a blacksmith. 862 00:40:48,541 --> 00:40:51,458 He made this armor and I've never taken it off. 863 00:40:51,541 --> 00:40:54,291 Okay. Okay! We'll visit this blacksmith 864 00:40:54,375 --> 00:40:58,208 and he will discover the secret of the impossible weapon we require. 865 00:40:58,291 --> 00:41:00,083 Because our cause is just! 866 00:41:00,166 --> 00:41:01,416 It is righteous! 867 00:41:01,500 --> 00:41:03,916 It is His will! His and Abe's! 868 00:41:04,000 --> 00:41:05,583 -And the Earth Mother's. -Nope. 869 00:41:05,666 --> 00:41:07,625 -And Isaac Newton's. -Nope. Just God's. 870 00:41:07,708 --> 00:41:10,041 I hold these truths to be self-evident. 871 00:41:10,125 --> 00:41:12,208 All for one and one for all! 872 00:41:12,291 --> 00:41:14,500 We will find the Gettysburg Address. 873 00:41:14,583 --> 00:41:15,708 [all] Huzzah! 874 00:41:15,791 --> 00:41:17,708 [Paul] Huzzah! Nope, too late. 875 00:41:19,833 --> 00:41:21,166 [clanking] 876 00:41:21,875 --> 00:41:22,708 [grunts] 877 00:41:22,791 --> 00:41:24,166 [hisses] 878 00:41:32,083 --> 00:41:35,041 -Smittay! -[bell chimes] 879 00:41:37,083 --> 00:41:39,166 Damn! Fuck my life. 880 00:41:39,250 --> 00:41:40,708 We're friends. 881 00:41:40,791 --> 00:41:42,833 [birds chirping] 882 00:41:43,875 --> 00:41:46,166 Do I even wanna know why you need a silver bullet? 883 00:41:46,250 --> 00:41:48,041 Best that you not know, Mr. Smith. 884 00:41:48,125 --> 00:41:49,666 Why do you keep calling me Mr. Smith? 885 00:41:49,750 --> 00:41:52,041 Well, Revere called you Black Smith. 886 00:41:52,125 --> 00:41:55,125 -Right, because I'm a blacksmith. -Right. A Black Smith. 887 00:41:55,208 --> 00:41:56,750 -A blacksmith. -Black Smith. 888 00:41:56,833 --> 00:41:58,750 I'm a smith who works with metal, 889 00:41:58,833 --> 00:42:02,833 which oxidizes during the heating process and turns black. 890 00:42:02,916 --> 00:42:05,500 -So, you're a Smith. -Exactly. 891 00:42:05,583 --> 00:42:07,083 -Of the Baltimore Smiths? -[sighs] 892 00:42:07,166 --> 00:42:08,750 Just tell me what you need it for. 893 00:42:08,833 --> 00:42:11,500 It'll be used to free the colonies. Let's just leave it at that. 894 00:42:11,583 --> 00:42:14,250 Oh, you're talking about the Brits. 895 00:42:14,333 --> 00:42:17,416 Shit, why didn't you say so? I'm definitely down for that. 896 00:42:17,500 --> 00:42:19,208 -You are? -Fuck, yeah! 897 00:42:19,291 --> 00:42:20,833 I mean, don't get it twisted. 898 00:42:20,916 --> 00:42:23,291 I definitely do not trust you motherfuckers. 899 00:42:23,875 --> 00:42:25,125 You three, especially. 900 00:42:25,208 --> 00:42:27,375 But fuck, man, I hate the British. 901 00:42:27,458 --> 00:42:29,250 Why, what have the fun police done to you? 902 00:42:29,333 --> 00:42:31,416 Look around. I'm a small business owner. 903 00:42:31,500 --> 00:42:34,208 What's a small business owner's greatest enemy? 904 00:42:34,291 --> 00:42:36,041 -Large businesses? -Thin profit margins? 905 00:42:36,125 --> 00:42:38,708 -Rising lube costs? -White people stealing everything you own. 906 00:42:38,958 --> 00:42:40,666 -Having a squirrel for a friend? -No. 907 00:42:40,750 --> 00:42:42,458 -Staff turnover? -Tesla being a bitch? 908 00:42:42,541 --> 00:42:46,125 -Not getting drunk at lunch? -White people stealing everything you own. 909 00:42:46,208 --> 00:42:47,708 Constant instinct to second-guess 910 00:42:47,791 --> 00:42:50,250 having risked your savings on unproven business acumen? 911 00:42:50,333 --> 00:42:53,041 -No, it's taxes. -Taxes. Correct. 912 00:42:53,125 --> 00:42:56,791 Small business taxes. And what's the big knock against the British? 913 00:42:56,875 --> 00:42:59,125 -Something about taxation! -Exactly. 914 00:42:59,208 --> 00:43:01,875 You'll help us? You'll craft the silver bullet free of charge? 915 00:43:01,958 --> 00:43:04,250 What? Are you white motherfuckers crazy? 916 00:43:04,333 --> 00:43:07,000 I just told you I'm a small business owner. 917 00:43:07,083 --> 00:43:09,625 You think I'm gonna give you silver for free? 918 00:43:09,708 --> 00:43:11,291 Well, we don't have silver. 919 00:43:11,375 --> 00:43:13,333 The British seized it all when they got here-- 920 00:43:13,416 --> 00:43:16,625 Spoons. Teaspoons. I remember. 921 00:43:16,708 --> 00:43:18,750 Why do you think that shit's so expensive? 922 00:43:18,833 --> 00:43:21,875 Okay. Well, how much do we need for, like, one bullet? 923 00:43:21,958 --> 00:43:24,333 -A metric shit-ton. -For one bullet? 924 00:43:24,416 --> 00:43:28,000 Oh, I'm sorry. Are you a fucking metallurgist like me? 925 00:43:28,083 --> 00:43:30,458 -That's, like, a thousand spoons! -Three thousand. 926 00:43:30,541 --> 00:43:32,500 It's a metric shit-ton. 927 00:43:32,583 --> 00:43:35,541 Where are we gonna get 3,000 spoons overnight, bro? 928 00:43:35,625 --> 00:43:36,458 Well… 929 00:43:36,541 --> 00:43:39,166 [ship horn sounds] 930 00:43:39,250 --> 00:43:42,083 [blacksmith] May I present, the year's biggest tea party. 931 00:43:42,166 --> 00:43:45,041 You need silver spoons, you need to get aboard that ship. 932 00:43:45,125 --> 00:43:47,458 Wait a minute. How did you know about this? 933 00:43:48,500 --> 00:43:50,916 [Samuel] What's up with these assholes and flyers? 934 00:43:51,000 --> 00:43:54,458 Well, it's a great way to communicate with a widespread audience, 935 00:43:54,541 --> 00:43:58,208 much like direct mail or the Pony Express, where my brother does not work. 936 00:43:58,291 --> 00:44:01,625 -[grunts] All right. Shall we? -Wait, wait, wait. Wait! 937 00:44:04,166 --> 00:44:05,625 -We need a plan. -Why? 938 00:44:05,708 --> 00:44:08,583 Well, last time we didn't have one and things got shitty. 939 00:44:08,666 --> 00:44:10,333 -Huh? -Yeah, Geronimo lost his arm. 940 00:44:10,416 --> 00:44:13,916 -No, he lost like three-fifths of an arm. -[scoffs] Seriously? 941 00:44:14,000 --> 00:44:15,958 Oh, thoughts and prayers. 942 00:44:16,041 --> 00:44:19,250 Look, good leaders like Abe have a plan for everything. 943 00:44:19,333 --> 00:44:21,875 -All right, His Leadership, let's hear it. -Okay. 944 00:44:21,958 --> 00:44:24,583 So, Mr. Smith, you'll be the lookout. 945 00:44:24,666 --> 00:44:26,791 -[blacksmith laughs] Nope. -What? 946 00:44:26,875 --> 00:44:31,083 You want me, a Black dude, to sit here in the dark, alone, 947 00:44:31,166 --> 00:44:33,458 to play lookout for you while you break the law? 948 00:44:33,541 --> 00:44:37,500 Oh, hell no! I hate the British but I ain't lookin' to get killed. 949 00:44:37,583 --> 00:44:40,458 So, y'all are on your own to get that silver. 950 00:44:40,541 --> 00:44:42,875 But if you do get it, I'll make your little bullet. 951 00:44:42,958 --> 00:44:45,041 All right. Then… 952 00:44:45,125 --> 00:44:46,375 here's the plan. 953 00:44:46,458 --> 00:44:50,416 Geronimo, you'll be the lookout. Are you cool with being the lookout? 954 00:44:50,500 --> 00:44:52,958 I mean, if my choice is to be the lookout 955 00:44:53,041 --> 00:44:56,666 or have one of you looking out for me, yeah, I'll be the lookout. 956 00:44:56,750 --> 00:45:00,708 Great. Okay. Edison, you'll pose as the wife of an officer already on board. 957 00:45:00,791 --> 00:45:04,833 [groans] This is taking too long. Let's just dress as those guys. 958 00:45:04,916 --> 00:45:07,375 [all] Ello, guv. 959 00:45:07,458 --> 00:45:09,833 Well, technically, that is a plan. 960 00:45:11,875 --> 00:45:14,000 Just technically, a very bad plan. 961 00:45:14,083 --> 00:45:18,916 Ha! I told you a jail would be a better use of space than lifeboats. 962 00:45:19,000 --> 00:45:21,208 Hey, at least we got on board, right, guys? 963 00:45:21,291 --> 00:45:24,250 I consider this mission accomplished. Ooh, we should get a banner. 964 00:45:24,333 --> 00:45:28,375 Ugh, shockingly, Sam's not wrong. We can still make this work. 965 00:45:28,458 --> 00:45:30,666 I've taken note of how often the guards go on rounds. 966 00:45:30,750 --> 00:45:32,666 -If we lay low for a few hours-- -No! 967 00:45:32,750 --> 00:45:34,875 Enough with all of the planning! 968 00:45:34,958 --> 00:45:38,125 Did Magellan have a plan when he circumnavigated the globe? 969 00:45:38,208 --> 00:45:39,333 -[all] No! -[Edison] Yes. 970 00:45:39,416 --> 00:45:40,750 That took a lot of preparation. 971 00:45:40,833 --> 00:45:46,000 We'll set our course for freedom using only our wits as our guide. 972 00:45:46,083 --> 00:45:48,916 Mr. Revere, tear down that wall. 973 00:45:49,000 --> 00:45:50,458 [Paul] Whee! 974 00:45:53,958 --> 00:45:55,333 What is this place? 975 00:45:55,416 --> 00:45:57,666 I don't know, but don't touch any-- 976 00:45:57,750 --> 00:45:58,958 Ooh, oops. 977 00:46:10,750 --> 00:46:14,416 They're steeping the colonists in tea! 978 00:46:14,500 --> 00:46:18,041 Turning them British. James, you sick bastard! 979 00:46:18,125 --> 00:46:20,541 Look, as far as I can tell, this is a test run. 980 00:46:20,625 --> 00:46:23,375 James is up to something bigger than crushing the revolution. 981 00:46:23,458 --> 00:46:25,916 Maybe even… Oh, fuck! I don't even want to say it! 982 00:46:26,000 --> 00:46:27,750 -Just say it. -Something global. 983 00:46:27,833 --> 00:46:28,708 [all gasp] 984 00:46:28,791 --> 00:46:31,750 -That means… -There are global stakes now. 985 00:46:31,833 --> 00:46:34,416 Good God! Can you figure out what he's planning? 986 00:46:34,500 --> 00:46:37,291 Yeah, I think I can. If I can just hack the mainframe. 987 00:46:37,375 --> 00:46:40,125 Great. Guys, gather as many silver spoons as you can. 988 00:46:40,208 --> 00:46:44,291 In the meantime, I'll get these hardworking Americans out of these tubes! 989 00:46:44,375 --> 00:46:45,625 [Edison] George! No! 990 00:46:46,541 --> 00:46:50,708 No! I had almost downloaded the plan. 991 00:46:50,791 --> 00:46:53,333 -Uh, guys, we gotta go. -Yep. 992 00:46:53,416 --> 00:46:56,000 Totally right. Grab spoons, guys. Quick, let's go. 993 00:46:57,166 --> 00:46:58,833 [exploding] 994 00:47:01,666 --> 00:47:03,000 [indistinct shouting] 995 00:47:05,416 --> 00:47:06,750 [screams] 996 00:47:09,958 --> 00:47:12,708 -[Paul] Oh, no. -Oh, my God, the humanity. 997 00:47:12,791 --> 00:47:15,083 This is bad. This is so bad. 998 00:47:15,166 --> 00:47:16,916 Those poor boat people. 999 00:47:17,000 --> 00:47:20,708 Look, if anybody asks, the Titanic hit an iceberg. 1000 00:47:20,791 --> 00:47:23,250 We were never here, baby. 1001 00:47:27,333 --> 00:47:28,666 [sighs] 1002 00:47:28,750 --> 00:47:31,791 It's hopeless, Martha. At this rate, I'll never avenge Abe. 1003 00:47:31,875 --> 00:47:33,708 And see his dream through, don't forget. 1004 00:47:33,791 --> 00:47:36,458 -That's the whole second part. -I tried. 1005 00:47:36,541 --> 00:47:40,375 I tried to be a leader like him, Martha. It's just not working. 1006 00:47:40,458 --> 00:47:43,666 Oh, George. Abe was a great leader, but you can't copy him. 1007 00:47:43,750 --> 00:47:46,458 You must find your own style of leadership. 1008 00:47:46,541 --> 00:47:50,583 Maybe something with less planning. Something more free-spirited, like you. 1009 00:47:50,666 --> 00:47:53,333 I know. I just wish I realized that before we… 1010 00:47:53,416 --> 00:47:56,458 Before the Titanic hit that iceberg. 1011 00:47:56,541 --> 00:47:58,333 Yes. What a tragedy. 1012 00:47:58,416 --> 00:48:00,416 Right? Such a tragedy! 1013 00:48:00,500 --> 00:48:05,333 It feels like, for every step forward, we just take two steps back. John 3:16. 1014 00:48:05,416 --> 00:48:09,041 Then, let's focus on the positive, huh? What was tonight's step forward? 1015 00:48:09,125 --> 00:48:10,875 -I got these spoons. -[spoons jingling] 1016 00:48:10,958 --> 00:48:14,291 Oh, that's great, George. And are they, like, for something? 1017 00:48:14,375 --> 00:48:17,875 Yeah, but they're still useless without the Gettysburg Address. 1018 00:48:17,958 --> 00:48:21,041 [sighs] The tirelessness with which you've pursued your quest 1019 00:48:21,125 --> 00:48:23,000 has betrayed your confidence in it. 1020 00:48:23,083 --> 00:48:25,333 Perhaps a quick HJ to help you sleep. 1021 00:48:25,416 --> 00:48:27,583 Generous, but I need to earn it. 1022 00:48:27,666 --> 00:48:29,250 Then, for now, rest, my love. 1023 00:48:29,333 --> 00:48:32,083 Clear your head. It's always darkest before the dawn. 1024 00:48:32,166 --> 00:48:35,083 -John 3:16? -I don't think so, champ. 1025 00:48:35,958 --> 00:48:38,250 For now, rest, my love. Clear your head. 1026 00:48:38,333 --> 00:48:40,250 It's always darkest before the dawn. 1027 00:48:41,291 --> 00:48:42,208 [gasps] 1028 00:48:42,291 --> 00:48:43,750 Where am I? 1029 00:48:43,833 --> 00:48:45,875 [Abe] Don't worry, George. You're safe. 1030 00:48:45,958 --> 00:48:49,708 Abe? Abe, is that you? I can't see. Everything's so bright. 1031 00:48:49,791 --> 00:48:53,333 Oh, that's me. Sorry, I was trying to make this seem more impressive. 1032 00:48:53,833 --> 00:48:56,708 It's great to see you, Abe. But what is this place? 1033 00:48:56,791 --> 00:48:59,833 [echoing] It's your dream world, George. 1034 00:48:59,916 --> 00:49:00,958 Is it? 1035 00:49:01,041 --> 00:49:04,583 Can I ask a question, real quick? Why is my dream world so shitty? 1036 00:49:04,666 --> 00:49:07,041 [chuckles] Well, we ran out of money. 1037 00:49:07,125 --> 00:49:08,666 -My dream ran out of money? -Sure. 1038 00:49:08,750 --> 00:49:12,500 Yeah. Look, I've been told by the, you know, "dream producers," 1039 00:49:12,583 --> 00:49:15,291 that we could use this money more effectively elsewhere. 1040 00:49:15,375 --> 00:49:19,875 Like in an epic ending battle happening sometime in the next 30 minutes or so. 1041 00:49:19,958 --> 00:49:21,583 Okay, well, what were you gonna do? 1042 00:49:21,666 --> 00:49:23,708 Oh, I had this whole idea worked out. 1043 00:49:23,791 --> 00:49:26,500 -You were gonna fight a dream-hydra. -Whoa, that's cool. 1044 00:49:26,583 --> 00:49:29,875 I know. And it was made up of all of King James' rules. 1045 00:49:29,958 --> 00:49:32,375 And for every rule you cut down, another appeared. 1046 00:49:32,458 --> 00:49:33,708 -Rah! -[George] Ooh! 1047 00:49:33,791 --> 00:49:35,958 -That's a nice metaphor, dude! -Thanks, bro. 1048 00:49:36,041 --> 00:49:37,958 And it was all about how the revolution 1049 00:49:38,041 --> 00:49:40,958 is about more than just breaking the king's rules. 1050 00:49:41,041 --> 00:49:43,000 It's also about your son. 1051 00:49:43,083 --> 00:49:46,083 -What? I'm havin' a boy? -[laughs] Yeah! 1052 00:49:46,166 --> 00:49:49,208 Boom! Sex, bitch! Oh, shit! Yeah! 1053 00:49:49,291 --> 00:49:51,083 Either way would be cool. Girls are cool. 1054 00:49:51,166 --> 00:49:54,500 Yeah. Yeah, it's a son, though. He's the future. 1055 00:49:54,583 --> 00:49:57,875 Him and all the sons and daughters of this great nation, 1056 00:49:57,958 --> 00:50:01,041 no matter what they look like or where they come from. 1057 00:50:01,125 --> 00:50:03,250 Be a leader for them, George. 1058 00:50:03,333 --> 00:50:05,291 A leader for all people! 1059 00:50:05,375 --> 00:50:07,666 I get it. I get it, Abe. 1060 00:50:07,750 --> 00:50:09,416 But I would've got it a lot better 1061 00:50:09,500 --> 00:50:11,666 if I was kicking an ass of a giant dream-hydra, 1062 00:50:11,750 --> 00:50:13,666 but I'm just saying, I get it. I got it. 1063 00:50:13,750 --> 00:50:15,458 Agreed. But don't worry, George. 1064 00:50:15,541 --> 00:50:17,333 There's plenty of fighting left to do. 1065 00:50:17,416 --> 00:50:18,750 Oh, and one more thing. 1066 00:50:18,833 --> 00:50:21,125 What is it, old chum? You can tell me anything. 1067 00:50:21,208 --> 00:50:24,166 When your wife offers you a hand job, you take it. 1068 00:50:24,250 --> 00:50:25,750 -[Martha] George! -Martha! 1069 00:50:25,833 --> 00:50:28,333 -[groans] George! -Martha! 1070 00:50:28,416 --> 00:50:31,000 Oh, don't worry about her, Georgie. 1071 00:50:31,083 --> 00:50:35,583 She'll be quite not well taken care of, if you catch my drift. 1072 00:50:35,666 --> 00:50:39,291 I don't. But you were on the Titanic. You should be dead. 1073 00:50:39,375 --> 00:50:41,916 I mean, I heard you were on the Titanic. 1074 00:50:42,000 --> 00:50:44,416 That's what I heard from someone who was there, 1075 00:50:44,500 --> 00:50:47,666 while I was here… reading… this book. 1076 00:50:47,750 --> 00:50:48,875 The Graps of Wreath. 1077 00:50:48,958 --> 00:50:51,250 Yes, well, I'm an excellent swimmer, dickhead. 1078 00:50:51,333 --> 00:50:53,000 You should've done your research. 1079 00:50:53,083 --> 00:50:54,166 Thanks for the tip. 1080 00:50:54,250 --> 00:50:56,333 When Edison invents the Internet next year, 1081 00:50:56,416 --> 00:50:59,708 I'll make sure to edit your Wikipedia page myself. 1082 00:50:59,791 --> 00:51:05,500 "Benedict Arnold, great swimmer and a total fucking asswipe." 1083 00:51:05,583 --> 00:51:07,458 Well, I'll just change it back. 1084 00:51:07,541 --> 00:51:10,083 No, you won't, because you'll be dead! 1085 00:51:10,166 --> 00:51:12,000 -[motor sputters] -Huh? 1086 00:51:12,125 --> 00:51:13,041 What? 1087 00:51:13,125 --> 00:51:15,458 Well, maybe after she invents the Internet, 1088 00:51:15,541 --> 00:51:20,125 your friend Edison can invent chainsaws that don't require gasoline. [laughs] 1089 00:51:20,208 --> 00:51:25,458 You sucked the gas out of my arm chainsaws while I was sleeping? 1090 00:51:25,541 --> 00:51:28,958 Jesus Christ, what kind of psychopath are you? 1091 00:51:29,041 --> 00:51:31,375 The worst kind. 1092 00:51:31,875 --> 00:51:33,208 Whatever you take that to mean. 1093 00:51:33,291 --> 00:51:35,208 Take her to the Gettysburg Address. 1094 00:51:35,291 --> 00:51:36,958 -[Martha] George, no! -Martha! 1095 00:51:37,041 --> 00:51:40,583 Oh, my, Georgie, I just realized we woke you up. 1096 00:51:41,166 --> 00:51:44,458 -Please allow us to recompense. -[grunts] 1097 00:51:46,416 --> 00:51:49,458 [Paul] Last night was bad news, human friends. 1098 00:51:49,541 --> 00:51:53,750 Yeah, bad news for the fun police. Eat a dick, Titanic! 1099 00:51:53,833 --> 00:51:56,875 -[laughs] -Right! Yes! Cool, cool, cool. 1100 00:51:56,958 --> 00:52:01,125 And I guess the entire harbor ecosystem can just eat a dick, too, right? 1101 00:52:01,208 --> 00:52:04,583 I mean… Yes, 100%. 1102 00:52:04,666 --> 00:52:08,958 Alarm! Alarm! Alarm! Alarm! Alarm! 1103 00:52:09,041 --> 00:52:10,500 -Are you okay? -George! What is it? 1104 00:52:10,583 --> 00:52:12,000 Arnold kidnapped Martha! 1105 00:52:12,083 --> 00:52:14,083 -Oh, no! -It sucks when they steal your wife! 1106 00:52:14,166 --> 00:52:15,250 And she's pregnant! 1107 00:52:15,333 --> 00:52:17,333 -What? -Congratulations, that's a beautiful gift! 1108 00:52:17,416 --> 00:52:19,791 Thanks! I'm sorry this is how I'm telling you, 1109 00:52:19,875 --> 00:52:21,458 but we appreciate your support! 1110 00:52:21,541 --> 00:52:23,458 We're already on waiting lists for preschool. 1111 00:52:23,541 --> 00:52:26,875 Hey, man. Maybe you need to take some time for yourself. 1112 00:52:26,958 --> 00:52:28,916 It's a lot, emotionally. I would know. 1113 00:52:29,000 --> 00:52:31,583 No, that's exactly what I don't need. 1114 00:52:31,666 --> 00:52:34,375 The old George would just party these woes away. 1115 00:52:34,458 --> 00:52:37,833 But not me. This just adds fuel to my fuckin' fire. 1116 00:52:37,916 --> 00:52:39,291 Hell yeah, man! 1117 00:52:39,375 --> 00:52:41,541 Ben said he's keeping her at the Gettysburg Address. 1118 00:52:41,625 --> 00:52:44,791 Which we still don't have. George, I'm sorry to say, 1119 00:52:44,875 --> 00:52:46,958 but we've tried everything to crack this code. 1120 00:52:47,041 --> 00:52:49,208 -Code… -I don't know what else we can do. 1121 00:52:50,208 --> 00:52:52,958 -Code… Oh! Holy shit! -What? 1122 00:52:53,041 --> 00:52:54,416 [George] Not many people know this, 1123 00:52:54,500 --> 00:52:57,666 but Abe wasn't just America's premier celebrity chef. 1124 00:52:57,750 --> 00:53:00,250 He was also its most capable cryptographer. 1125 00:53:00,333 --> 00:53:01,458 Plip-plopipher? 1126 00:53:01,541 --> 00:53:05,250 Cryptographer. You know, someone who crafts and solves codes and ciphers. 1127 00:53:05,333 --> 00:53:06,875 [chuckling] Yeah, a plip-plopipher. 1128 00:53:06,958 --> 00:53:09,958 That's what I said. We're saying the same thing. 1129 00:53:10,041 --> 00:53:13,125 Exactly. Which means that Abe's final edict, 1130 00:53:13,208 --> 00:53:18,291 that I name our freed country America, was itself likely a cipher. 1131 00:53:18,375 --> 00:53:21,791 Hidden within the words of America, my friends, 1132 00:53:21,875 --> 00:53:24,500 is the Gettysburg Address. 1133 00:53:24,583 --> 00:53:26,625 I don't know, seems like kind of a leap. 1134 00:53:26,708 --> 00:53:28,875 But I'll need some time to crack the code. 1135 00:53:28,958 --> 00:53:31,583 In the meantime, someone must run the spoons to Black Smith. 1136 00:53:31,666 --> 00:53:33,375 [all at once] Not it! 1137 00:53:33,458 --> 00:53:36,500 -All right, Chief, that's you. -What the fuck just happened? 1138 00:53:36,583 --> 00:53:39,833 Did I just lose a game that white people didn't explain the rules to? 1139 00:53:39,916 --> 00:53:41,666 I can't carry all the silver. 1140 00:53:41,750 --> 00:53:44,958 -I only got the one arm. -[laughing] And whose fault is that? 1141 00:53:45,041 --> 00:53:47,625 That would be yours. For screwing up Vietnam. 1142 00:53:47,708 --> 00:53:51,250 What are you talking about? We won Vietnam. 1143 00:53:51,333 --> 00:53:55,958 [sighs] Actually, if it gives me some time away from you, yeah, I'll do it. 1144 00:53:56,041 --> 00:53:59,666 -You are a good man, Chief Geronimo. -[Geronimo] Just Geronimo. 1145 00:53:59,750 --> 00:54:01,125 The rest of you, come with me. 1146 00:54:01,208 --> 00:54:03,916 I know the perfect place to work on Abe's cipher. 1147 00:54:08,583 --> 00:54:10,333 Ugh, come on. 1148 00:54:15,166 --> 00:54:17,083 [King James] You left Washington alive. 1149 00:54:17,166 --> 00:54:20,458 [Benedict] Uh, yes, a calculated risk, my liege. 1150 00:54:20,541 --> 00:54:22,291 Instead of trimming one thorn, 1151 00:54:22,375 --> 00:54:25,916 we may soon be in position to wipe out the whole damn bush. 1152 00:54:27,666 --> 00:54:29,666 [King James] And kidnapping his wife? 1153 00:54:29,750 --> 00:54:32,250 You're not worried that will motivate him? 1154 00:54:32,333 --> 00:54:34,375 Oh, I'm counting on it. 1155 00:54:34,458 --> 00:54:38,250 Still, we should expedite my… Your plan. 1156 00:54:38,333 --> 00:54:41,500 Very well. Send me the head engineer. 1157 00:54:43,708 --> 00:54:45,458 You wanted to see me, Your Majesty? 1158 00:54:45,541 --> 00:54:48,250 There's been a slight change of plan. 1159 00:54:48,333 --> 00:54:51,791 We'll need my weapon operational sooner than anticipated. 1160 00:54:51,875 --> 00:54:53,500 How much sooner, Your Majesty? 1161 00:54:53,583 --> 00:54:55,166 You tell me. 1162 00:54:55,250 --> 00:54:56,916 If we work around the clock, 1163 00:54:57,000 --> 00:54:59,041 we could probably have it ready in three weeks? 1164 00:55:02,625 --> 00:55:05,416 -[gulps] -[whistle blows] 1165 00:55:05,500 --> 00:55:08,958 Please, Your Majesty, Your Highness. I can do it faster. 1166 00:55:12,166 --> 00:55:14,291 Ah, thank God. 1167 00:55:16,166 --> 00:55:18,625 -[gasps] -[shrieks] 1168 00:55:19,958 --> 00:55:21,125 My foot! 1169 00:55:21,208 --> 00:55:22,625 Most impressive. 1170 00:55:22,708 --> 00:55:24,916 [screams] 1171 00:55:25,000 --> 00:55:27,666 Manchester, come to Daddy. 1172 00:55:27,750 --> 00:55:29,541 Oh, look at the good boy. 1173 00:55:29,666 --> 00:55:32,416 Oh, look, you have a little engineer on your face. 1174 00:55:32,500 --> 00:55:34,250 Well, I guess I do, too, now. 1175 00:55:34,333 --> 00:55:37,291 Don't I? Don't I? Yes! 1176 00:55:37,375 --> 00:55:39,208 -[kisses] -Uh, okay. 1177 00:55:39,291 --> 00:55:42,083 I'll have Engineering redouble their efforts. 1178 00:55:42,166 --> 00:55:44,125 See that you do, Arnold. 1179 00:55:44,208 --> 00:55:46,541 Whether or not you succeed with your plan, 1180 00:55:46,625 --> 00:55:48,875 and in case it wasn't clear, I'm not holding my breath, 1181 00:55:48,958 --> 00:55:51,041 Washington is now marching inexorably 1182 00:55:51,125 --> 00:55:54,083 into the gnashing maw of the most diabolical war machine 1183 00:55:54,166 --> 00:55:55,666 the world has ever known. 1184 00:55:55,750 --> 00:55:58,458 And he doesn't even see it coming. 1185 00:55:58,541 --> 00:56:02,125 -[laughs maniacally] -Yes. They never do. 1186 00:56:04,166 --> 00:56:08,208 Uh, George? I thought you said you had a safe place to work. 1187 00:56:08,291 --> 00:56:10,833 -What? This looks good to me. -Thank you, Paul. 1188 00:56:10,916 --> 00:56:14,291 But this isn't the place I had in mind. That is. 1189 00:56:14,375 --> 00:56:16,541 -[all exclaim] -[Paul] It got even better! 1190 00:56:18,583 --> 00:56:20,625 [George] Abe, I'm home. 1191 00:56:21,416 --> 00:56:24,291 -[hisses] -[exclaims] Pardon me, ma'am. 1192 00:56:27,958 --> 00:56:31,375 Oh, my gord, horse toys! Whee! 1193 00:56:41,250 --> 00:56:42,541 George? 1194 00:56:42,625 --> 00:56:44,416 -George, are you okay, buddy? -[sniffles] 1195 00:56:44,500 --> 00:56:45,833 Yes, I am. 1196 00:56:45,916 --> 00:56:48,666 But I need to be one with Abe now. 1197 00:56:48,750 --> 00:56:52,541 I have to get inside of his head if I hope to crack this code. 1198 00:56:53,833 --> 00:56:55,000 Okay. 1199 00:56:56,958 --> 00:56:57,875 Come on, come on! 1200 00:56:59,625 --> 00:57:01,166 Confirm! Please confirm! 1201 00:57:01,750 --> 00:57:03,000 We are cruisin'! 1202 00:57:03,833 --> 00:57:05,625 Oh, yeah! [chuckles] 1203 00:57:08,125 --> 00:57:10,750 Next and next. Next. Too easy. 1204 00:57:10,833 --> 00:57:14,333 No, no, don't. No, no. Yes! Reset 30%, please! 1205 00:57:14,416 --> 00:57:16,000 Fuck no! I'm fucked. 1206 00:57:16,333 --> 00:57:17,208 No, fuck! 1207 00:57:19,083 --> 00:57:21,375 I am rusty, rusty. 1208 00:57:21,458 --> 00:57:24,333 Okay, at the hands of this guy is you. 1209 00:57:25,125 --> 00:57:26,250 Eternal destruction. 1210 00:57:27,541 --> 00:57:29,041 Quick, quick, quick! Thank you. 1211 00:57:29,125 --> 00:57:30,958 Return. Return. Yes! 1212 00:57:31,041 --> 00:57:33,208 Three, two, one. Go! 1213 00:57:33,291 --> 00:57:34,500 Come on. Yeah! 1214 00:57:35,291 --> 00:57:37,000 Whoo! Yeah! 1215 00:57:37,083 --> 00:57:38,458 You've been hacked, bro! 1216 00:57:42,083 --> 00:57:45,000 So, what are you going to do when this is all over, huh? 1217 00:57:45,083 --> 00:57:46,458 You got family somewhere? 1218 00:57:46,541 --> 00:57:47,750 Clyde is my family. 1219 00:57:47,833 --> 00:57:51,416 No, I know, but like, you know, people family, friends? 1220 00:57:51,500 --> 00:57:53,000 That's why I'm doing this. 1221 00:57:53,083 --> 00:57:57,541 You started a war against the most powerful country on Earth to make friends? 1222 00:57:57,625 --> 00:58:00,541 Yes. Yes, I did. I never had people friends. 1223 00:58:00,625 --> 00:58:02,541 Oh, Paul. You have one now. 1224 00:58:02,625 --> 00:58:04,666 Thank you. Why do you wanna make war? 1225 00:58:04,750 --> 00:58:07,916 They're mean to you and they disrespect you, like a mule. 1226 00:58:08,000 --> 00:58:09,916 Well, George means well. 1227 00:58:10,000 --> 00:58:12,083 Sam disrespects me, but he's an idiot. 1228 00:58:12,166 --> 00:58:15,666 Listen, lions don't concern themselves with the opinions of sheep. 1229 00:58:15,750 --> 00:58:20,000 Well, I'm friends with a lot of sheep and, boy, are they opinionated. 1230 00:58:20,083 --> 00:58:22,500 -Oh, I just meant-- -[mimics sheep bleating] 1231 00:58:22,583 --> 00:58:23,625 That's how sheep talk. 1232 00:58:23,708 --> 00:58:27,125 Look, I'm doing this because I want science for everyone. 1233 00:58:27,208 --> 00:58:30,791 Without fear of punishment or persecution or even judgment. 1234 00:58:30,875 --> 00:58:33,375 Problem is, the rich white assholes that run the joint 1235 00:58:33,458 --> 00:58:36,000 keep telling everyone that science isn't real. 1236 00:58:36,083 --> 00:58:38,375 So, I'm gonna show 'em. 1237 00:58:38,458 --> 00:58:41,708 I'm gonna show the whole damn world that science is real. 1238 00:58:41,791 --> 00:58:43,208 How are you gonna do that? 1239 00:58:43,291 --> 00:58:45,666 By using it to do something that no one can ignore. 1240 00:58:45,750 --> 00:58:50,083 -I'm going to use science to win a war. -Oh! 1241 00:58:50,166 --> 00:58:51,750 I don't know how I'm gonna do it yet. 1242 00:58:51,833 --> 00:58:56,125 But all it takes is one great invention deployed at the perfect time, 1243 00:58:56,208 --> 00:58:59,083 and then, the whole world will yell at once-- 1244 00:58:59,166 --> 00:59:01,958 -[door slams open] -Eur-goddamn-reka! 1245 00:59:02,500 --> 00:59:05,916 …at which point, I was reminded of one of Abe's favorite exploits. 1246 00:59:06,000 --> 00:59:08,958 After a reverse hash, I backdoored the root password. 1247 00:59:09,041 --> 00:59:11,250 A base checksum against the main data store 1248 00:59:11,333 --> 00:59:13,208 allowed me to retrieve the salted hash, 1249 00:59:13,291 --> 00:59:16,291 and then, from there, I was gleaming the cube. 1250 00:59:16,375 --> 00:59:18,125 George, this is amazing! 1251 00:59:18,208 --> 00:59:19,666 You haven't even heard the kicker. 1252 00:59:19,750 --> 00:59:22,458 When I extrapolated through a dual node minimum spanning tree, 1253 00:59:22,541 --> 00:59:25,125 the cipher's definition revealed itself. 1254 00:59:25,208 --> 00:59:27,791 "A" is the first letter of the alphabet, 1255 00:59:27,875 --> 00:59:31,541 which means it is letter number one. 1256 00:59:31,625 --> 00:59:33,791 Therefore, "A" equals one. 1257 00:59:33,875 --> 00:59:36,125 -Yeah, I understand all of this. -Oh! 1258 00:59:36,208 --> 00:59:38,958 And if "A" equals one, then-- 1259 00:59:39,041 --> 00:59:41,375 -You've got to be kidding me! -Both of us. 1260 00:59:41,458 --> 00:59:45,083 I am not. America equals "1 Merica." 1261 00:59:45,166 --> 00:59:48,125 Now, does that word "Merica" ring a bell to any of you? 1262 00:59:48,208 --> 00:59:50,500 Oh! Oh! I know! Fuck, I lost it. 1263 00:59:50,583 --> 00:59:52,208 Ooh, no. Does it start with a one? 1264 00:59:52,291 --> 00:59:54,000 Maybe this will jog your memory. 1265 00:59:54,083 --> 00:59:57,083 This is ten times magnification. 1266 00:59:57,166 --> 00:59:59,083 Oh, my God. 1267 00:59:59,166 --> 01:00:04,208 [George] Gentlemen, lady, I give you the Gettysburg Address. 1268 01:00:04,791 --> 01:00:05,666 [Samuel] Oof! 1269 01:00:05,750 --> 01:00:10,333 Oh. I guess we… I guess we should've scouted the area, right, guys? 1270 01:00:10,416 --> 01:00:14,041 But then we wouldn't have had George's awesome code-cracking scene, right? 1271 01:00:14,125 --> 01:00:16,083 Really? You thought that was awesome? 1272 01:00:16,166 --> 01:00:18,250 It wasn't, you know, too indulgent? 1273 01:00:18,333 --> 01:00:21,083 No way, dude. Totally realistic. 1274 01:00:21,166 --> 01:00:22,541 And entirely too short. 1275 01:00:22,625 --> 01:00:25,375 Guys, you have got to see this. Look. 1276 01:00:25,458 --> 01:00:26,750 Whoa! 1277 01:00:26,833 --> 01:00:27,875 [Samuel] What do you see? 1278 01:00:27,958 --> 01:00:30,208 [George] Redcoats standing around a table. 1279 01:00:30,291 --> 01:00:33,583 And there's only one reason grown men would stand around a table. 1280 01:00:33,666 --> 01:00:35,208 -To jerk off. -To plot-- What? 1281 01:00:35,291 --> 01:00:39,041 -To plot. -Exactly. The meeting's already underway. 1282 01:00:39,125 --> 01:00:40,833 Then we haven't a moment to lose. 1283 01:00:40,916 --> 01:00:43,958 George, wait. We don't have the silver bullet yet. 1284 01:00:44,041 --> 01:00:46,458 -We need it to kill Arnold. -Damn it! That's right. 1285 01:00:46,541 --> 01:00:48,708 Where the hell are those guys with our silver bullet? 1286 01:00:50,625 --> 01:00:52,958 [hip-hop music playing] 1287 01:00:54,250 --> 01:00:56,958 ...and then the big dumb one says, "We won Vietnam." 1288 01:00:57,041 --> 01:00:58,625 [laughs] 1289 01:00:58,708 --> 01:01:04,916 Can you imagine being so used to winning at everything for your whole life, 1290 01:01:05,000 --> 01:01:07,166 that even when you lose, your brain's just like, 1291 01:01:07,250 --> 01:01:10,541 "Yo, we must've won that shit, right?" 1292 01:01:10,625 --> 01:01:13,083 That's the definition of privilege, right there. 1293 01:01:13,166 --> 01:01:16,666 Oh, I've tried to tell them that so many times, 1294 01:01:16,750 --> 01:01:18,583 but they don't even hear me. 1295 01:01:18,666 --> 01:01:20,250 You wanna get through to them, 1296 01:01:20,333 --> 01:01:23,166 you'd have to put your message in like, I don't know, 1297 01:01:23,250 --> 01:01:26,583 the dumbest thing possible, like a cartoon or something. 1298 01:01:27,833 --> 01:01:30,708 Hey, so how much longer on this silver bullet? 1299 01:01:30,791 --> 01:01:33,041 -Man, that shit been done for hours. -What? 1300 01:01:33,125 --> 01:01:34,583 [both laugh] 1301 01:01:36,250 --> 01:01:37,375 Oh, yeah. 1302 01:01:38,083 --> 01:01:39,750 I can't wait any longer. 1303 01:01:39,833 --> 01:01:42,000 I have to rescue my wife and unborn child. 1304 01:01:42,083 --> 01:01:44,041 If that baby-eating bastard is in there-- 1305 01:01:44,125 --> 01:01:47,041 Oh, my God! He threatened to eat your unborn baby? 1306 01:01:47,125 --> 01:01:50,666 No, no, no. I mean, not literally. But, look, he's very evil, Edison. 1307 01:01:50,750 --> 01:01:52,958 I mean, come on. Are we splittin' hairs here? 1308 01:01:53,041 --> 01:01:55,458 George, without that silver bullet, we'll all be dinner. 1309 01:01:55,541 --> 01:01:59,416 I know, okay? Look, guys, I don't expect you to go in there. 1310 01:01:59,500 --> 01:02:01,583 It's suicide, but I have to. 1311 01:02:01,666 --> 01:02:03,625 George, we're a team. 1312 01:02:03,708 --> 01:02:06,125 If there's even a chance we can save your family, 1313 01:02:06,208 --> 01:02:07,833 we have to take it. Right, guys? 1314 01:02:07,916 --> 01:02:11,333 -Plus, I just heard he eats babies! -Oh, no! 1315 01:02:11,416 --> 01:02:13,166 -Sam, no! -I knew it! 1316 01:02:13,250 --> 01:02:16,333 There's no time to lose. Come on. Let's get our sneak on. 1317 01:02:29,875 --> 01:02:31,291 [softly] Science. 1318 01:02:33,166 --> 01:02:36,125 Uh-huh. The door's not locked. 1319 01:02:36,208 --> 01:02:39,250 It didn't need to be. Laser beams. 1320 01:02:39,333 --> 01:02:41,541 Hope you boys are limbered up. 1321 01:02:42,125 --> 01:02:46,833 Easy. Easy, does it. Easy, Daddy. Oh, easy. 1322 01:02:46,916 --> 01:02:48,750 [grunts] 1323 01:02:48,833 --> 01:02:51,916 Uh, guys, this is just yarn. 1324 01:02:53,750 --> 01:02:55,708 I'm creeping very quietly. 1325 01:02:59,625 --> 01:03:01,125 Don't you move, bad guy! 1326 01:03:03,083 --> 01:03:04,333 [laughs] 1327 01:03:04,416 --> 01:03:07,041 Look at him go! That's great! 1328 01:03:11,958 --> 01:03:14,250 Ha-ha! What the shit? 1329 01:03:14,333 --> 01:03:17,750 Who fucking drew this? This is completely unrealistic. 1330 01:03:17,833 --> 01:03:20,458 -[man 1 over speaker] Pip-Pip, cheerio. -[man 2] Bob's your uncle. 1331 01:03:20,541 --> 01:03:22,375 -[man 1] Ello, guv! -[man 3] Bangers and mash. 1332 01:03:24,958 --> 01:03:26,958 [man 3] Enslave the Irish! [laughs] 1333 01:03:27,666 --> 01:03:29,250 That bastard set us up. 1334 01:03:29,916 --> 01:03:31,250 Martha! 1335 01:03:32,875 --> 01:03:35,083 -Martha! -George, wait! It's a… trap. 1336 01:03:35,166 --> 01:03:36,458 Yep, shit. 1337 01:03:37,250 --> 01:03:40,166 -What did they do to your wife? -Paul, that's not Martha. 1338 01:03:40,250 --> 01:03:42,125 It's a hyper-thermobaric bomb. 1339 01:03:42,208 --> 01:03:45,625 My hand blasters should interrupt the current to the triggering mechanism. 1340 01:03:45,708 --> 01:03:46,958 [whispers] Science. 1341 01:03:47,041 --> 01:03:49,000 -[beeping] -Oh, what? 1342 01:03:49,083 --> 01:03:51,125 Witch, that was your one chance 1343 01:03:51,208 --> 01:03:53,958 and your beloved science totally fucked us! 1344 01:03:54,041 --> 01:03:56,375 I don't understand. I used science. 1345 01:03:56,458 --> 01:03:59,541 We're outta time. I have to get this as far away as possible. 1346 01:03:59,625 --> 01:04:01,000 It's up to you guys now. 1347 01:04:01,083 --> 01:04:03,666 Save Martha! Save America! 1348 01:04:03,750 --> 01:04:06,041 No, you save her yourself, George. 1349 01:04:06,125 --> 01:04:08,208 This is a job for a racist. 1350 01:04:08,291 --> 01:04:10,958 The fastest racist in the colonies. 1351 01:04:11,583 --> 01:04:12,958 Goodbye, people friends! 1352 01:04:14,791 --> 01:04:15,875 -[neighs] -Yah! 1353 01:04:15,958 --> 01:04:18,375 Go, Clyde! Fast as the wind! 1354 01:04:22,458 --> 01:04:24,541 Hey, compadre, vamanos! 1355 01:04:24,625 --> 01:04:26,166 Clyde, what are you talking about? 1356 01:04:26,250 --> 01:04:29,458 Clyde can get a lot further away without Pablo's added weight. 1357 01:04:29,541 --> 01:04:31,458 No! But Clyde is Paul's only friend! 1358 01:04:31,541 --> 01:04:35,333 -No, Pablo has human friends now. -But, Clyde-- 1359 01:04:35,416 --> 01:04:37,833 Go! Git! [neighs] 1360 01:04:38,666 --> 01:04:39,750 Don't you see? 1361 01:04:40,333 --> 01:04:43,375 -Clyde doesn't want Pablo around anymore. -What? 1362 01:04:43,458 --> 01:04:46,083 -Git! Damn it, Pablo, git! -Clyde, no! 1363 01:04:46,166 --> 01:04:49,333 -Get away! -Clyde, why would you say that? No! 1364 01:04:49,416 --> 01:04:51,291 [crying] Clyde, please! 1365 01:04:51,875 --> 01:04:54,708 Clyde! 1366 01:04:57,583 --> 01:05:00,708 Oh, I guess that big idiot really cared about us. 1367 01:05:00,791 --> 01:05:02,416 Yeah, he really did. 1368 01:05:04,375 --> 01:05:05,541 [laughing maniacally] 1369 01:05:05,625 --> 01:05:08,250 [George] King James, we meet at last. 1370 01:05:08,333 --> 01:05:11,500 Yes, yes. Kudos, Washington. 1371 01:05:11,583 --> 01:05:16,166 I see that you managed to evade the trap your old friend Benedict laid for you. 1372 01:05:16,250 --> 01:05:17,541 Evade this, butter teeth! 1373 01:05:18,125 --> 01:05:19,333 Sam, you're not gonna… 1374 01:05:19,416 --> 01:05:21,166 -[laughing] -[Thomas] It's a hologram. 1375 01:05:21,250 --> 01:05:22,916 Where's my wife, you bastard? 1376 01:05:23,000 --> 01:05:27,166 I believe you mean… Where is your future queen? 1377 01:05:27,250 --> 01:05:28,250 Never! 1378 01:05:28,333 --> 01:05:29,875 Oh, you'll come round. 1379 01:05:29,958 --> 01:05:30,791 Martha! 1380 01:05:31,500 --> 01:05:35,000 If you lay even one of your sausage fingers on her, 1381 01:05:35,083 --> 01:05:36,750 I'll rip your fucking dick off! 1382 01:05:36,833 --> 01:05:38,750 You better make it quick, George, 1383 01:05:38,833 --> 01:05:42,041 because we're about to become very well acquainted. 1384 01:05:42,125 --> 01:05:44,416 No more repartee, James. 1385 01:05:44,500 --> 01:05:45,750 No more games! 1386 01:05:45,833 --> 01:05:48,541 I want you face-to-face. 1387 01:05:48,625 --> 01:05:51,250 Hmm. What did you have in mind? 1388 01:05:51,333 --> 01:05:52,458 Tomorrow. 1389 01:05:52,541 --> 01:05:54,708 For all the fucking marbles. 1390 01:05:54,791 --> 01:05:56,708 My squad. Your squad! 1391 01:05:56,791 --> 01:06:01,166 You mean, your squad and my giant fuck-off army! 1392 01:06:01,250 --> 01:06:04,166 Bring me every Redcoat alive for all I care. 1393 01:06:04,250 --> 01:06:06,458 I'll bring extra gas for my chainsaws. 1394 01:06:06,541 --> 01:06:09,583 I accept. Tomorrow morning. Attrition Field. 1395 01:06:09,666 --> 01:06:11,916 Eight o'clock, sharp. Don't be late. 1396 01:06:12,666 --> 01:06:14,875 [Paul yelling] Clyde! 1397 01:06:14,958 --> 01:06:16,416 [sobbing] 1398 01:06:17,708 --> 01:06:19,541 Hmm. He gonna be okay? 1399 01:06:19,625 --> 01:06:23,083 You sacrificed Clyde… to save us? 1400 01:06:23,166 --> 01:06:25,000 Clyde sacrificed himself. 1401 01:06:25,083 --> 01:06:27,208 I love my new people friends, 1402 01:06:27,291 --> 01:06:29,500 but I loved Clyde, too! 1403 01:06:30,750 --> 01:06:32,791 He was my brother! 1404 01:06:34,291 --> 01:06:36,583 There's gotta be something we can do. 1405 01:06:36,666 --> 01:06:39,125 Well, I'm in a book club with Clara Barton. 1406 01:06:40,458 --> 01:06:43,333 [scoffs] The groundbreaking medical practitioner? 1407 01:06:44,833 --> 01:06:46,625 His name's Clara? 1408 01:06:47,208 --> 01:06:48,958 [Clara] I think I can save him. 1409 01:06:49,041 --> 01:06:52,791 But it will require the full breadth of my cybernetic research to do so. 1410 01:06:52,875 --> 01:06:54,666 -Meaning? -Meaning when I'm done… 1411 01:06:54,750 --> 01:06:57,000 He'll be more machine than animal. 1412 01:06:57,083 --> 01:06:58,333 And there's also a chance 1413 01:06:58,416 --> 01:07:01,958 that at some point in the distant future, he'll rise up against us and-- 1414 01:07:02,041 --> 01:07:04,708 The horse owes me three bucks, so do what you gotta do, Doc. 1415 01:07:04,791 --> 01:07:08,083 It's a long shot. My nanotechnology is advanced, 1416 01:07:08,166 --> 01:07:10,916 but there's really just no substitute for living tissue. 1417 01:07:11,000 --> 01:07:13,750 Go. I need to be alone with Clyde. 1418 01:07:13,833 --> 01:07:15,375 Okay, Paul. Okay. 1419 01:07:15,458 --> 01:07:17,125 [Paul sobs] 1420 01:07:22,375 --> 01:07:23,541 [munching loudly] 1421 01:07:28,000 --> 01:07:30,416 Say what you will about these colonists, 1422 01:07:30,500 --> 01:07:33,333 but frying a chicken and putting it in a bucket, 1423 01:07:33,416 --> 01:07:35,041 that's a solid idea. 1424 01:07:36,833 --> 01:07:38,500 Aren't you thirsty, my queen? 1425 01:07:38,583 --> 01:07:41,333 I'll never drink your over-taxed tea, James. 1426 01:07:41,416 --> 01:07:44,875 You'll feel much more agreeable after a relaxing soak. 1427 01:07:44,958 --> 01:07:47,708 Arnold, has milady's bath been drawn? 1428 01:07:47,791 --> 01:07:50,625 Yes, my liege. Earl Grey, hot. 1429 01:07:50,708 --> 01:07:52,083 Excellent! 1430 01:07:52,166 --> 01:07:55,916 Oh! [laughing] Look at this, it's a double-stuffed pizza crust. 1431 01:07:56,000 --> 01:07:59,208 Just… I mean, do the maths, Arnold. It's impossible. 1432 01:08:03,958 --> 01:08:04,833 [gags] 1433 01:08:04,916 --> 01:08:05,833 Did you want some? 1434 01:08:05,916 --> 01:08:07,666 Enjoy it while you can, James. 1435 01:08:07,750 --> 01:08:10,333 Before my husband rips your fucking dick off! 1436 01:08:10,416 --> 01:08:14,916 My dear, now that my Ultimate Doomsday Machine is complete, 1437 01:08:15,000 --> 01:08:18,958 your husband and his band of traitorous ne'er-do-wells 1438 01:08:19,041 --> 01:08:21,500 will soon be ripping their own dicks off. 1439 01:08:21,583 --> 01:08:23,333 [laughs maniacally] 1440 01:08:23,416 --> 01:08:26,666 -[scoffs] Why would they do that? -Do what? 1441 01:08:26,750 --> 01:08:28,416 Rip their own dicks off? 1442 01:08:28,500 --> 01:08:31,375 Because! That's why! [laughs maniacally] 1443 01:08:32,083 --> 01:08:33,958 Is he a cookie or is he a puss? 1444 01:08:34,041 --> 01:08:37,625 You know what? I don't care. He's my new best friend, that's who he is. 1445 01:08:37,708 --> 01:08:38,708 [hesitates] 1446 01:08:38,791 --> 01:08:43,125 Yes, my king, there is so much this bountiful new land has to offer. 1447 01:08:43,208 --> 01:08:46,791 Yes. And which corner of my new kingdom 1448 01:08:46,875 --> 01:08:48,833 will you choose to rule, I wonder? 1449 01:08:48,916 --> 01:08:49,750 [gasps] Oh! 1450 01:08:49,833 --> 01:08:53,666 Why don't you take a Dakota? Hell, take both. 1451 01:08:53,750 --> 01:08:58,041 Why don't I take the whole thing? [laughs] 1452 01:08:59,125 --> 01:09:00,416 But why? 1453 01:09:00,500 --> 01:09:04,083 Because, you double-stuffed buffoon, why would I want to eat a slice… 1454 01:09:04,166 --> 01:09:05,375 Oh, my God! 1455 01:09:05,458 --> 01:09:08,666 …when I can eat the whole a-pizza pie? 1456 01:09:11,208 --> 01:09:12,333 [munching loudly] 1457 01:09:13,916 --> 01:09:17,708 Finally, freedom has a birthday. Tomorrow. 1458 01:09:19,083 --> 01:09:20,500 So, go home. 1459 01:09:20,583 --> 01:09:22,208 Go home to your friends, 1460 01:09:22,791 --> 01:09:25,500 to your families, to your loved ones. 1461 01:09:26,416 --> 01:09:28,833 And then, ready your arsenals. 1462 01:09:28,916 --> 01:09:31,250 Bring not the weapons you would use to topple men, 1463 01:09:31,958 --> 01:09:36,041 but the weapons that you would use to topple armies. 1464 01:09:36,875 --> 01:09:39,458 The weapons you would use to topple nations. 1465 01:09:40,041 --> 01:09:43,458 For tomorrow, our revolution dies 1466 01:09:43,541 --> 01:09:46,125 and America is born. 1467 01:09:48,666 --> 01:09:50,250 Guide me, old friend. 1468 01:09:50,750 --> 01:09:52,166 Show me the way. 1469 01:09:53,833 --> 01:09:57,250 [Abe] George, I wish I had a million friends like you! 1470 01:09:57,333 --> 01:09:58,791 …a million friends… 1471 01:09:58,875 --> 01:10:01,625 Abe, you forward-thinking son of bitch! 1472 01:10:01,708 --> 01:10:05,083 But we're still gonna need a lot of firepower. 1473 01:10:08,541 --> 01:10:12,291 [man] Well, hey, welcome to Y'all Mart. How can I help you? 1474 01:10:12,375 --> 01:10:14,041 Oh, hey, how's it goin'? I need guns. 1475 01:10:14,125 --> 01:10:15,875 Well, bless your heart. 1476 01:10:15,958 --> 01:10:18,875 And did you have any particular type in mind? 1477 01:10:18,958 --> 01:10:22,791 Um, whatever the firearm equivalent of a massive overreaction would be. 1478 01:10:22,875 --> 01:10:24,666 Like, for every bullet fired at me, 1479 01:10:24,750 --> 01:10:26,958 I'd want to be able to fire several hundred in return. 1480 01:10:27,041 --> 01:10:31,166 Oh, I see. And what do you plan on using them for? 1481 01:10:32,875 --> 01:10:34,208 -Hunting? -Perfect! 1482 01:10:34,291 --> 01:10:36,208 I can definitely help you with that. 1483 01:10:36,291 --> 01:10:38,250 Now, we do have a waiting period. 1484 01:10:38,958 --> 01:10:42,041 And it's over. Let's get you heavily armed, big fella. 1485 01:10:42,125 --> 01:10:45,416 Fantastic! Say, aren't you Mr. Kinko's boy? 1486 01:10:45,500 --> 01:10:49,583 Yes, sir. Frederick Xavier Kinko. Nice to meet ya. 1487 01:10:49,666 --> 01:10:52,333 Well, Fred X. Kinko, that's convenient. 1488 01:10:52,416 --> 01:10:54,166 I'm also looking for a photocopier. 1489 01:10:54,250 --> 01:10:56,041 The best in the colonies. 1490 01:11:04,458 --> 01:11:05,541 Were you able to sleep? 1491 01:11:05,625 --> 01:11:06,791 -Yeah. -Slept like a log. 1492 01:11:06,875 --> 01:11:10,500 Neither was I. No matter, we'll all sleep soon enough… 1493 01:11:10,583 --> 01:11:12,916 in the beds of vanquished kings. 1494 01:11:13,000 --> 01:11:16,375 Wow, that was beautiful phrasing. You're gettin' pretty good at this. 1495 01:11:16,458 --> 01:11:18,375 You like that? Really? Check this out. 1496 01:11:18,458 --> 01:11:21,166 Teamwork, it makes the dream work. 1497 01:11:21,250 --> 01:11:23,625 Whoa! He's right. It does. 1498 01:11:23,708 --> 01:11:26,375 Okay, that, right there, that's leadership. 1499 01:11:26,458 --> 01:11:30,416 Thanks, guys. Look, man, I gotta say, I'm feeling pretty confident. 1500 01:11:30,500 --> 01:11:32,916 Maybe things are going to work out after all. 1501 01:11:33,000 --> 01:11:36,875 -Holy shit. -Fuck me. 1502 01:11:52,583 --> 01:11:55,000 [trumpets] 1503 01:12:04,000 --> 01:12:05,125 [clock chimes] 1504 01:12:06,250 --> 01:12:08,250 [mechanisms whirring] 1505 01:12:10,291 --> 01:12:11,375 [growls] 1506 01:12:13,500 --> 01:12:16,958 All right. I'm not gonna sugarcoat this. 1507 01:12:17,583 --> 01:12:20,833 Three against ten thousand? That's pretty bad odds. 1508 01:12:21,416 --> 01:12:23,791 -For us. -Well, we have the high ground. 1509 01:12:23,875 --> 01:12:25,916 You have more than the high ground. 1510 01:12:26,000 --> 01:12:28,625 Geronimo! Blacksmith! We thought you deserted. 1511 01:12:28,708 --> 01:12:33,000 Thought about it, like, really hard, then started going in the other direction. 1512 01:12:33,083 --> 01:12:35,958 Even booked an Air T&P on the opposite side of town. 1513 01:12:36,041 --> 01:12:38,375 But despite my better judgment, 1514 01:12:38,458 --> 01:12:40,791 I ate the deposit and decided to come. 1515 01:12:41,333 --> 01:12:43,166 Because this is my land 1516 01:12:43,250 --> 01:12:46,333 and I don't need anybody's permission to defend it. 1517 01:12:46,416 --> 01:12:49,000 And Mr. Smith, you'll join the fight as well? 1518 01:12:49,083 --> 01:12:51,708 I figured, if we're gonna end up with an old white dude in charge, 1519 01:12:51,791 --> 01:12:54,291 we could do a hell of a lot worse than you, George Washington. 1520 01:12:54,375 --> 01:12:56,125 You're one of the good-ish ones. 1521 01:12:57,125 --> 01:12:59,500 All that silver… for one bullet. 1522 01:12:59,583 --> 01:13:01,708 Yeah, so you better make it count. 1523 01:13:01,791 --> 01:13:04,291 We will, and we'll do it in style. 1524 01:13:04,375 --> 01:13:05,250 [Samuel] Yeah. 1525 01:13:05,333 --> 01:13:08,166 I commissioned Betsy Ross and Tim Gunn to make these last night. 1526 01:13:08,250 --> 01:13:10,291 Tim Gunn? Sounds like a badass. 1527 01:13:10,375 --> 01:13:14,750 My dream, as silly as it seems now, was that after our victory today, 1528 01:13:14,833 --> 01:13:17,250 this design would become a national symbol. 1529 01:13:17,333 --> 01:13:19,583 The first ever American flag. 1530 01:13:19,666 --> 01:13:23,666 -A symbol of our indomitable spirit. -Of our thirst for knowledge! 1531 01:13:23,750 --> 01:13:26,250 Of our tireless quest to kick ass! 1532 01:13:26,333 --> 01:13:28,583 And, and! I'm just spitballing here, 1533 01:13:28,666 --> 01:13:31,333 but maybe this style of blouse will become the uniform 1534 01:13:31,416 --> 01:13:34,291 of the first ever American national pastime. 1535 01:13:34,375 --> 01:13:37,375 It'll be like cricket, but with actual rules. 1536 01:13:37,458 --> 01:13:40,208 And you won't even have to be athletic to participate. 1537 01:13:40,291 --> 01:13:43,000 -Or have two arms. -And women can play, too. 1538 01:13:43,083 --> 01:13:45,166 You know, don't… Let's not get sidetracked. 1539 01:13:45,250 --> 01:13:46,500 Hark, the national bird! 1540 01:13:46,583 --> 01:13:48,416 [Geronimo] You took everything else. 1541 01:13:48,500 --> 01:13:51,333 You know what we need now? A national song. 1542 01:13:51,416 --> 01:13:52,958 I believe you mean… 1543 01:13:56,333 --> 01:13:58,291 a national anthem. 1544 01:13:58,375 --> 01:13:59,541 [eagle screeches] 1545 01:14:08,541 --> 01:14:14,958 ♪ If I leave here tomorrow ♪ 1546 01:14:16,750 --> 01:14:21,166 ♪ Would you still remember me? ♪ 1547 01:14:24,416 --> 01:14:31,250 ♪ For I must be traveling on now ♪ 1548 01:14:32,750 --> 01:14:36,916 ♪ 'Cause there's too many places I've got to see ♪ 1549 01:14:41,125 --> 01:14:47,125 ♪ 'Cause I'm as free as a bird now ♪ 1550 01:14:49,208 --> 01:14:54,166 [crowd joins in] ♪ And this bird you cannot change ♪ 1551 01:14:54,833 --> 01:14:56,375 [vocalizing] 1552 01:14:57,125 --> 01:15:03,458 [all] ♪ Lord help me, I can't change ♪ 1553 01:15:12,041 --> 01:15:13,541 -[thunder rumbling] -[growling] 1554 01:15:14,833 --> 01:15:17,291 [Thomas] This is so beautiful, George! 1555 01:15:18,458 --> 01:15:20,958 [George] I know, it rocks, right? I wrote it last night. 1556 01:15:21,041 --> 01:15:22,708 I'm gonna request that song 1557 01:15:22,791 --> 01:15:26,666 at every party from now until the end of time. 1558 01:15:26,750 --> 01:15:28,500 No. No, not the song. 1559 01:15:29,125 --> 01:15:30,875 The Americans! 1560 01:15:30,958 --> 01:15:33,458 [gasps] They came. It worked! 1561 01:15:33,541 --> 01:15:34,625 What worked, G-Dub? 1562 01:15:34,708 --> 01:15:36,750 I found an old note from Abe last night. 1563 01:15:36,833 --> 01:15:39,875 And he said he wished he had a million friends like me. 1564 01:15:39,958 --> 01:15:43,916 And that's when I realized, I can have a million friends. 1565 01:15:44,000 --> 01:15:45,000 [all cheering] 1566 01:15:45,083 --> 01:15:51,166 Oh! Why settle for 20 bros when you could have a million, 1567 01:15:51,250 --> 01:15:52,666 no matter how different they look. 1568 01:15:52,750 --> 01:15:55,791 Exactly! Sam, that's the American way! 1569 01:15:55,875 --> 01:15:57,791 Hey, guys. Did ya hear? 1570 01:15:57,875 --> 01:16:01,250 I'm not racist anymore! I'm doin' it! 1571 01:16:01,333 --> 01:16:02,250 Super. 1572 01:16:02,333 --> 01:16:04,333 George, how did you do this? 1573 01:16:04,416 --> 01:16:06,500 How did you reach this many people overnight? 1574 01:16:06,583 --> 01:16:10,916 I remembered something one of my friends told me about flyers. 1575 01:16:11,583 --> 01:16:14,666 They're a great way to communicate with a widespread audience. 1576 01:16:16,458 --> 01:16:20,166 I spent all night distributing these all over this great land, 1577 01:16:21,000 --> 01:16:23,125 from sea to shining sea. 1578 01:16:23,208 --> 01:16:25,708 [Thomas] That's thousands of miles! How did you-- 1579 01:16:25,791 --> 01:16:29,666 Oh, I had a little help from the fastest racist in the colonies! 1580 01:16:29,750 --> 01:16:30,958 [all] Whoa! 1581 01:16:31,041 --> 01:16:33,875 -[Samuel] What have they done to you? -[Geronimo] Does that hurt? 1582 01:16:33,958 --> 01:16:37,375 [in robotic voice] The British are coming… to get their asses kicked! 1583 01:16:37,458 --> 01:16:41,666 Heh. Well, I am just glad that we got the band back together. 1584 01:16:41,750 --> 01:16:45,125 All right, everybody, come on! Grab an AR-15. 1585 01:16:45,208 --> 01:16:48,416 These little death machines here are gonna even the odds for us. 1586 01:16:48,500 --> 01:16:51,541 But once the war is over though, okay, I definitely need them back. 1587 01:16:51,625 --> 01:16:53,041 Yeah, man. No problem. 1588 01:16:53,875 --> 01:16:57,958 Yeah, they're just way too dangerous for civilians to keep. Am I right? 1589 01:16:58,041 --> 01:16:59,875 That is completely reasonable. 1590 01:17:01,708 --> 01:17:04,375 What in God's name are we waiting for? 1591 01:17:04,458 --> 01:17:06,250 Why are we not attacking? 1592 01:17:06,333 --> 01:17:08,208 Beggin' your pardon, me lord, 1593 01:17:08,291 --> 01:17:12,625 the Americans was just changing their kits into the stars and stripes, see? 1594 01:17:12,708 --> 01:17:14,916 Then they sang a song for a bit, yeah. 1595 01:17:15,000 --> 01:17:18,333 Now it looks like they're settlin' some personal differences. 1596 01:17:18,416 --> 01:17:19,583 Shan't be long. 1597 01:17:19,666 --> 01:17:22,291 We don't have to wait for them to get dressed. 1598 01:17:22,375 --> 01:17:23,791 Attack, you idiots! 1599 01:17:23,875 --> 01:17:26,458 Copy that, Command. Commencing bombardment. 1600 01:17:29,916 --> 01:17:33,500 Now, let's go start a fucking revolution! 1601 01:17:33,583 --> 01:17:34,541 Kick it! 1602 01:17:36,666 --> 01:17:40,458 Tread on them! Tread the fuck all over them! 1603 01:17:40,541 --> 01:17:42,416 [rock song playing] 1604 01:17:54,458 --> 01:17:55,666 [yelling] 1605 01:18:32,166 --> 01:18:33,000 [yelps] 1606 01:18:35,375 --> 01:18:36,208 Oh, no. 1607 01:18:54,333 --> 01:18:56,000 [eagles screeching] 1608 01:18:58,291 --> 01:18:59,708 Me-ronimo! 1609 01:19:04,708 --> 01:19:06,458 Edison, give me that juice! 1610 01:19:10,916 --> 01:19:14,666 For America! Charge! 1611 01:19:15,375 --> 01:19:17,666 [Benedict] Artillery. Open fire on the front. 1612 01:19:17,750 --> 01:19:20,000 [soldier over speaker] But, my lord, we'll hit our own men. 1613 01:19:20,083 --> 01:19:21,750 Fuck's sake. I'm evil! 1614 01:19:21,833 --> 01:19:24,541 We're the bad guys! Jesus, pay attention! 1615 01:19:24,625 --> 01:19:28,375 Now, open fire or I'll eat your bones! 1616 01:19:28,916 --> 01:19:30,166 [clears throat] Commander. 1617 01:19:30,250 --> 01:19:34,000 [commander over speaker] Roger, roger. All cannon, open fire. Danger close. 1618 01:19:49,291 --> 01:19:51,458 We've gotta do something about those cannons! 1619 01:19:52,166 --> 01:19:53,875 Wait a minute. Is that Martha? 1620 01:19:54,625 --> 01:19:57,041 Oh, my God! Edison, on me! 1621 01:20:01,708 --> 01:20:04,041 [grunts] Paul, take out those walkers or we're sunk! 1622 01:20:04,125 --> 01:20:06,666 -Affirmative. Commencing attack run. -Edison, give me a lift. 1623 01:20:06,750 --> 01:20:09,291 I'm on it! Science, don't fail me now. 1624 01:20:12,083 --> 01:20:15,250 -[George] Edison, fly straight! -[Edison] My thrusters took some damage! 1625 01:20:15,333 --> 01:20:17,500 Just get me to that elephant! 1626 01:20:17,583 --> 01:20:19,041 -[grunting] -[screaming] 1627 01:20:23,958 --> 01:20:27,666 -[Martha in British accent] Ello, guv'ner! -[laughing] Oh, Martha! Thank God! 1628 01:20:27,750 --> 01:20:30,625 I'm just so happy that you're… safe? 1629 01:20:35,041 --> 01:20:36,250 Stay on target. 1630 01:20:38,125 --> 01:20:40,291 Stay on target. 1631 01:20:49,125 --> 01:20:50,375 [bellows] 1632 01:20:50,458 --> 01:20:54,041 Well, Manchester, if you want something done right… 1633 01:20:55,333 --> 01:20:56,625 [growls] 1634 01:20:56,708 --> 01:20:59,666 Get some! Get some! Get some! [grunts] 1635 01:21:01,458 --> 01:21:03,416 -What the… What are you? -[snaps] 1636 01:21:03,500 --> 01:21:05,166 [bellows] 1637 01:21:11,666 --> 01:21:13,250 [screaming] 1638 01:21:18,375 --> 01:21:20,916 Oi! Handball! That's a foul, ya wanker! 1639 01:21:21,000 --> 01:21:22,833 Maybe that's true in Britain. 1640 01:21:24,666 --> 01:21:27,250 But this is America, asshole! [grunts] 1641 01:21:27,333 --> 01:21:28,500 [screams] 1642 01:21:29,250 --> 01:21:30,666 Touchdown! 1643 01:21:30,750 --> 01:21:33,333 [Benedict] What is the deal with these chaps? 1644 01:21:33,416 --> 01:21:35,458 It's like they have no quit in them. 1645 01:21:35,541 --> 01:21:39,208 No matter, I guess I'll just skip to the end, then. 1646 01:21:39,291 --> 01:21:41,916 Game over, old friend. 1647 01:21:45,625 --> 01:21:47,625 [machinery whirring] 1648 01:21:59,750 --> 01:22:02,208 We're surrounded. Why aren't they advancing? 1649 01:22:02,291 --> 01:22:05,541 Because that's not part of the plan, ya dumb twat! 1650 01:22:05,625 --> 01:22:07,875 Oh, fuck! 1651 01:22:12,291 --> 01:22:14,625 Holy! What is that thing? 1652 01:22:14,708 --> 01:22:17,375 It's a weather control device. Look at the tea bags. 1653 01:22:17,458 --> 01:22:20,791 It's designed to seed the clouds… with tea! 1654 01:22:20,875 --> 01:22:23,541 Teabagging them? Literally? But why? 1655 01:22:23,625 --> 01:22:26,083 To make them rain tea. 1656 01:22:26,166 --> 01:22:29,208 Every man, woman and child beneath these spacious skies 1657 01:22:29,291 --> 01:22:31,250 will be turned British instantly. 1658 01:22:31,333 --> 01:22:33,083 The revolution will not only be over, 1659 01:22:33,166 --> 01:22:35,250 it will effectively have never even occurred. 1660 01:22:35,333 --> 01:22:38,666 Aw, fuck! These are those global stakes you were talking about, aren't they? 1661 01:22:38,750 --> 01:22:42,916 Yep. If he successfully British-izes every colonist in the New World, 1662 01:22:43,000 --> 01:22:46,666 he won't stop there. He'll British-ize the entire world. 1663 01:22:46,750 --> 01:22:49,291 [chuckling] Okay. You know what? Fuck it. 1664 01:22:50,041 --> 01:22:53,416 -It was fun while it lasted, boys. -Keep it. 1665 01:22:53,500 --> 01:22:56,958 This is your last moment as a colonist. You may as well enjoy it. 1666 01:22:57,041 --> 01:22:58,875 Besides, it's sorta perfect. 1667 01:22:58,958 --> 01:23:01,041 I mean, beer's the exact opposite of tea. 1668 01:23:01,125 --> 01:23:03,750 So, one last "fuck you" to the Brits. Am I right? 1669 01:23:04,625 --> 01:23:08,250 The exact opposite. That's it! Sam, hold this keg steady. 1670 01:23:08,333 --> 01:23:10,208 -But it's full of beer! -It better be. 1671 01:23:10,291 --> 01:23:12,791 -Blacksmith, hammer this valve into place. -On it! 1672 01:23:12,875 --> 01:23:15,000 Geronimo, keep track of where that thing is headed. 1673 01:23:15,083 --> 01:23:16,458 That won't be too hard. 1674 01:23:20,666 --> 01:23:23,458 And, Paul, I'm gonna need a lot of juice! 1675 01:23:23,541 --> 01:23:24,916 [engine revving] 1676 01:23:27,500 --> 01:23:30,291 -Yo, Edison! What is that shit? -It is science. 1677 01:23:30,375 --> 01:23:32,625 The science that's going to win this war. 1678 01:23:32,708 --> 01:23:35,166 Last time you tried "science," 1679 01:23:35,250 --> 01:23:37,708 you set off a bomb that almost killed us. 1680 01:23:37,791 --> 01:23:39,708 How can you be so sure that this will work? 1681 01:23:39,791 --> 01:23:43,333 Well, I'm not sure, Sammy, but I have a hypothesis. 1682 01:23:43,916 --> 01:23:48,083 So, let's go test that hypothesis and draw some fucking conclusions! 1683 01:23:48,750 --> 01:23:53,583 This is for science! 1684 01:23:53,666 --> 01:23:55,208 [echoing] 1685 01:24:04,208 --> 01:24:05,875 [screams] 1686 01:24:11,083 --> 01:24:12,666 [screaming] 1687 01:24:15,708 --> 01:24:16,791 [grunts] 1688 01:24:20,000 --> 01:24:24,500 No! No! Not like this! Not like this, Martha! 1689 01:24:24,583 --> 01:24:28,375 -Drink it, George! Drink it in. -No! I won't do it! Ah! 1690 01:24:28,458 --> 01:24:34,250 Fine, resist. And I'll gain full custody of our son the moment he is born. 1691 01:24:34,333 --> 01:24:36,750 And you'll be helpless to stop it. 1692 01:24:36,833 --> 01:24:42,375 You'll have failed as a leader, as a husband and as a father, 1693 01:24:42,458 --> 01:24:46,833 just like your father before you. 1694 01:24:46,916 --> 01:24:48,833 [laughs maniacally] 1695 01:24:48,916 --> 01:24:51,208 Hey, hey, it's okay. 1696 01:24:51,291 --> 01:24:53,541 Even though you totally blew it 1697 01:24:53,625 --> 01:24:58,291 and let everyone on the team down, you tried your best, witch. 1698 01:24:58,375 --> 01:25:01,750 I'm not a witch, Sam. I am a scientist. 1699 01:25:01,833 --> 01:25:03,625 And no, I did not. 1700 01:25:03,708 --> 01:25:07,791 The beam. It wasn't meant to blow the Teabagger out of the sky. 1701 01:25:07,875 --> 01:25:09,333 -Nope. -Horse sound. 1702 01:25:09,416 --> 01:25:11,250 What did you do, human lady friend? 1703 01:25:11,333 --> 01:25:13,791 I reversed the polarity of the tea. 1704 01:25:22,083 --> 01:25:24,833 So, if it ain't tea no more, what the fuck is it? 1705 01:25:24,916 --> 01:25:26,750 The exact opposite of tea. 1706 01:25:28,458 --> 01:25:31,916 [gasps] It's beer! Beer won the war! 1707 01:25:32,000 --> 01:25:34,500 What? No, beer didn't win… No, science! 1708 01:25:34,583 --> 01:25:36,375 [all] Bro! 1709 01:25:38,125 --> 01:25:42,166 I'd just like to say something, you know, as the leader of the group. 1710 01:25:42,250 --> 01:25:45,500 Thirty minutes ago, I dreamed of a bigger fraternity. 1711 01:25:45,583 --> 01:25:49,375 And now, I look around and I have it. 1712 01:25:50,166 --> 01:25:52,625 That's the power of positive thinking, guys. 1713 01:25:52,708 --> 01:25:55,583 -Believe in yourselves! -Are you kidding me? 1714 01:25:55,666 --> 01:25:57,916 Mmm, delicious, isn't it? 1715 01:25:58,000 --> 01:25:59,708 [coughs] 1716 01:26:10,416 --> 01:26:11,416 [eagle screeches] 1717 01:26:17,791 --> 01:26:19,041 Ah! 1718 01:26:21,708 --> 01:26:24,500 Oh! George? What happened? 1719 01:26:24,583 --> 01:26:27,333 Science, Martha. Science happened. 1720 01:26:27,416 --> 01:26:29,708 Oh, my God! I could have… I almost… 1721 01:26:29,791 --> 01:26:32,666 [shushes] No, don't you worry about that. 1722 01:26:32,750 --> 01:26:36,833 You're back now and we've just got one thing left to do. 1723 01:26:36,916 --> 01:26:38,750 -Have awesome sex! -Final boss battle. What? 1724 01:26:38,833 --> 01:26:41,250 Uh, yep. Yep. Final boss battle. 1725 01:26:41,333 --> 01:26:42,750 -Bro! -No! 1726 01:26:42,833 --> 01:26:45,666 Bros. Bros everywhere! 1727 01:26:45,750 --> 01:26:48,750 It reeks of Ye Olde Axe body spray! 1728 01:26:48,833 --> 01:26:50,083 [George] Excuse me, sir. 1729 01:26:53,750 --> 01:26:56,083 Do you have a moment to talk about freedom? 1730 01:26:56,166 --> 01:27:00,750 Aren't you surprised to see me leading the British and not King James? 1731 01:27:00,833 --> 01:27:03,583 What? No. You obviously pulled a Benedict Arnold. 1732 01:27:03,666 --> 01:27:04,666 A what? 1733 01:27:04,750 --> 01:27:07,041 A Benedict Arnold. You're a thing now, bro. 1734 01:27:07,125 --> 01:27:09,666 Whenever you get fucked over by a trusted friend, 1735 01:27:09,750 --> 01:27:12,333 it's called getting Benedict Arnolded. Right, everybody? 1736 01:27:12,416 --> 01:27:14,458 -[all] Yeah. -It's totally a thing. 1737 01:27:14,541 --> 01:27:16,791 No. You… You can't just do that. 1738 01:27:16,875 --> 01:27:19,875 Oh, yeah, we can. Because we all voted on it. 1739 01:27:19,958 --> 01:27:21,333 And that's called… 1740 01:27:21,416 --> 01:27:23,125 [all] Fucking Democracy! 1741 01:27:23,208 --> 01:27:24,416 We're doin' it! 1742 01:27:24,500 --> 01:27:26,833 [laughing] Oh, Georgie. 1743 01:27:26,916 --> 01:27:29,000 You think you've won. 1744 01:27:30,416 --> 01:27:31,833 [growls] 1745 01:27:32,416 --> 01:27:35,041 Mega Wolf! 1746 01:27:35,125 --> 01:27:36,000 Geronimo, now! 1747 01:27:37,458 --> 01:27:38,500 Launch winch-chain. 1748 01:27:39,208 --> 01:27:41,125 -[grunts] -[neighs] 1749 01:27:41,208 --> 01:27:42,541 [growls] 1750 01:27:43,208 --> 01:27:44,583 Sammy, take the shot! 1751 01:27:45,541 --> 01:27:47,500 Here comes the boom, bitch. 1752 01:27:48,791 --> 01:27:50,333 [grunting] 1753 01:27:52,791 --> 01:27:55,416 [growling] 1754 01:27:58,416 --> 01:27:59,541 [grunts] 1755 01:28:03,166 --> 01:28:05,333 Guys, I don't know how much more he can take! 1756 01:28:05,416 --> 01:28:07,458 -Where's the stupid bullet? -We're looking! 1757 01:28:07,541 --> 01:28:10,458 Any last regrets, old chum? 1758 01:28:10,541 --> 01:28:15,208 Yeah, I only regret that I have but one life to give for my country. 1759 01:28:15,291 --> 01:28:20,208 Yes. Well, I suppose the one will have to do. 1760 01:28:20,291 --> 01:28:23,416 Oh, shit! It's right here. Guys! I found it! 1761 01:28:24,541 --> 01:28:27,625 What are you smiling about, you idiot? You can't possibly kill me. 1762 01:28:27,708 --> 01:28:29,791 I'm not trying to kill you, Ben. 1763 01:28:29,875 --> 01:28:34,083 They are. With America's favorite pastime. 1764 01:28:34,166 --> 01:28:35,083 No! 1765 01:28:39,791 --> 01:28:41,166 Tax this, motherfucker! 1766 01:28:46,500 --> 01:28:48,583 [commentator] It's going way back to right field. 1767 01:28:48,666 --> 01:28:50,916 The bullet is still going! High up in there! 1768 01:28:51,000 --> 01:28:53,041 -Bugger! -He did it! 1769 01:28:53,833 --> 01:28:56,166 John Henry Smith did it! 1770 01:28:56,250 --> 01:28:57,458 [all cheer] 1771 01:29:01,583 --> 01:29:05,875 Welcome to America! 1772 01:29:11,041 --> 01:29:12,875 [cheering] 1773 01:29:16,833 --> 01:29:18,625 [whooping] 1774 01:29:36,208 --> 01:29:38,125 [George] I wanna make a monument for Abe, too. 1775 01:29:38,208 --> 01:29:40,583 But of course, Mr. President. Same as yours? 1776 01:29:40,666 --> 01:29:41,750 No, I.M. Pei. 1777 01:29:41,833 --> 01:29:47,500 His should be a statue of him sitting there, staring at my monument. 1778 01:29:47,583 --> 01:29:49,500 [Abe chuckling] Who are you, Demi Moore? 1779 01:29:49,583 --> 01:29:51,625 Why you gotta screw a ghost like that, George? 1780 01:29:51,708 --> 01:29:54,916 Abe! Ah, bro! God, it's good to see you again, man. 1781 01:29:55,000 --> 01:29:58,958 Well, you're gonna feel like a real turd after you see what I brought you. Hah! 1782 01:29:59,041 --> 01:30:00,916 The Declaration! You saved it! 1783 01:30:01,000 --> 01:30:01,916 I did. 1784 01:30:02,000 --> 01:30:05,041 A little of Mr. Scotch's invisible tape and it's as good as new. 1785 01:30:05,125 --> 01:30:06,166 It's beautiful, Abe. 1786 01:30:06,250 --> 01:30:09,916 It is, but you're the real national treasure here, George. 1787 01:30:10,000 --> 01:30:11,458 I'm proud of you, bud. 1788 01:30:13,541 --> 01:30:16,708 And no, there's no treasure map drawn on the back of it. 1789 01:30:16,791 --> 01:30:18,833 -Oh, man. -George, what are you doin', bro? 1790 01:30:18,916 --> 01:30:20,708 -They're lookin' for you out there. -Oh, Sam! 1791 01:30:20,791 --> 01:30:23,125 I'm glad you're here. I have something for you. 1792 01:30:23,208 --> 01:30:26,375 -What is it? -A gift for my son's godfather. 1793 01:30:26,458 --> 01:30:27,708 -Who, me? -Yep. 1794 01:30:27,791 --> 01:30:31,083 I need someone I can trust with my son's life. 1795 01:30:31,166 --> 01:30:33,250 And I always thought it would be Abe. 1796 01:30:33,333 --> 01:30:37,041 But with him as a gho… a goner, I need to find someone else. 1797 01:30:37,125 --> 01:30:39,166 George, I'm honored! 1798 01:30:39,250 --> 01:30:40,666 Hey, is that my hat? Oh, it is. 1799 01:30:40,750 --> 01:30:43,916 But… Ugh. I don't know how to be a caretaker. 1800 01:30:44,000 --> 01:30:45,458 I don't have those instincts. 1801 01:30:45,541 --> 01:30:47,916 No, don't think of it as being the caretaker. 1802 01:30:48,000 --> 01:30:49,333 Think of it as being family. 1803 01:30:49,416 --> 01:30:50,750 Like the fun, drunk, 1804 01:30:50,833 --> 01:30:55,833 now definitely no-longer-racist uncle that America has always needed. 1805 01:30:55,916 --> 01:30:58,875 Uncle Sam. I like It. 1806 01:30:58,958 --> 01:31:00,875 Uncle fucking Sam! 1807 01:31:00,958 --> 01:31:04,250 Come on, Uncle Sam, our countrymen await. 1808 01:31:05,916 --> 01:31:08,666 [crowd cheering and applauding] 1809 01:31:14,625 --> 01:31:15,708 Hey, Denzel. 1810 01:31:15,791 --> 01:31:16,708 [giggles] 1811 01:31:18,083 --> 01:31:19,583 [crowd cheers] 1812 01:31:26,458 --> 01:31:28,000 My fellow Americans, 1813 01:31:28,083 --> 01:31:32,750 on this day, July 4th, 1776, 1814 01:31:32,833 --> 01:31:36,916 we are all finally free! 1815 01:31:37,000 --> 01:31:38,958 [all cheer] 1816 01:31:48,000 --> 01:31:49,666 [man 1] What about your slaves? 1817 01:31:49,750 --> 01:31:52,416 Oh! Um… 1818 01:31:52,500 --> 01:31:56,916 -I said, what about your slaves? -[George] Well, see-- 1819 01:31:57,000 --> 01:31:58,375 And what about women? 1820 01:31:58,458 --> 01:32:01,291 Will we be granted equality in your America? 1821 01:32:01,375 --> 01:32:04,250 -Yes, but-- -Sure, right after the Indians. 1822 01:32:04,333 --> 01:32:07,750 Wait a second. I was under the impression we were getting our land back. 1823 01:32:07,833 --> 01:32:08,833 Good point. Um… 1824 01:32:08,916 --> 01:32:10,791 Oh, hey, can I keep this here machine gun? 1825 01:32:10,875 --> 01:32:13,541 Like, if a Mexican tries to take my property or something? 1826 01:32:13,625 --> 01:32:15,833 What? You just took this land from the Indians-- 1827 01:32:15,916 --> 01:32:17,583 He was coming for you. I saw it! 1828 01:32:17,666 --> 01:32:20,958 -He just shot him! In the back! -He was making a move, man. I swear it! 1829 01:32:21,041 --> 01:32:24,583 We're gonna have a fair and unbiased judicial process, right? 1830 01:32:24,666 --> 01:32:27,041 -Everyone, just calm down! -Fuck you! 1831 01:32:27,125 --> 01:32:28,541 No, fuck you! 1832 01:32:28,625 --> 01:32:30,791 Hey, I just wanna marry my boyfriend. 1833 01:32:31,458 --> 01:32:32,500 Sinner! 1834 01:32:32,583 --> 01:32:34,875 There's gonna be comprehensive health care, right? 1835 01:32:36,083 --> 01:32:38,958 [man 1] Seriously, dude. What about your slaves? 1836 01:32:39,041 --> 01:32:42,541 Oh, God. We're gonna fuck this up, aren't we? 1837 01:33:35,541 --> 01:33:38,291 Dagnabbit! I think we missed it, E's. 1838 01:33:38,375 --> 01:33:40,083 [growls weakly]