My name is Jean-Claude Van Damme.
I used to be super famous.
Perhaps you remember my first starring role in Bloodsport.
It is on television all of the time.
Or maybe you've seen Timecop,
which is like Looper, starring Bruce Willis,
but like a million times better.
But this is not a movie.
And that man is not an actor.
He's trying to kill me.
But I'm not worried because...
I have a gift.
I am the master of the splits.
Or at least I used to be.
Fuck.
How did this happen?
How did I get here?
JC, I used your shower and now I'm all sticky.
It's coconut water.
Your shower uses coconut water?
All of the plumbing uses coconut water.
I don't understand.
Of course not.
You never do.
This is the first time I've been here.
Let me help you get dressed.
Okay.
♪ Ne me quitte pas ♪
♪ Il faut oublier ♪
♪ Tout peut s'oublier ♪
♪ Qui s'enfuit déjà ♪
♪ Oublier le temps ♪
♪ Des malentendus ♪
♪ Et le temps perdu ♪
♪ A savoir comment ♪
♪ Oublier ces heures ♪
♪ Qui tuaient parfois ♪
♪ A coups de pourquoi ♪
♪ Le coeur de bonheur ♪
♪ Ne me quitte pas ♪
♪ Moi je t'offrirai ♪
♪ Des perles de pluie ♪
♪ Venues de pays ♪
♪ Ou il ne pleut pas ♪
♪ Je creuserai la terre ♪
♪ Jusqu'après ma mort ♪
♪ Pour couvrir ton corps ♪
♪ D'or et de lumière ♪
♪ Je ferai un domaine ♪
♪ Ou l'amour sera roi ♪
♪ Ou l'amour sera loi ♪
♪ Ou tu seras reine ♪
♪ Ne me quitte pas ♪
♪ Ne me quitte pas. ♪
Hey, excuse me. Excuse me.
My, uh, ramen is dry.
Yeah, man, that's what we do.
Dry ramen.
Uh, can you put some, uh, water on mine?
We actually don't have access to water.
We're a pop-up experience, not a restaurant.
Okay, I don't understand.
Dude.
Oh, hey, no shit.
Where you been, man?
You got anything coming out?
I'm retired.
What about on, uh, DVD?
VOD?
No, no. Real retired.
Not like Nicolas Cage retired.
Oh, fuck, man.
I thought you were Nicolas Cage.
Shooting's about finesse, JC.
You gotta have a soft touch.
Yeah, I'm not exactly known for my soft touch.
Let's try this.
You told me about your favorite childhood memory once.
You remember that?
Yeah. The farm.
Your grandfather's emu farm.
Picture it.
It's a beautiful day.
Nowhere for you to be.
Nothing for you to do.
It's just you,
and those big...
majestic...
...birds.
Whoa.
-I love you. -I love you.
Vanessa.
-What? -Shit.
-Hey, Vanessa, I called-- -I'm late for a flight.
I wrote, I tried everything.
I miss you.
What do you want me to say to that?
Let's have dinner tonight. Let me explain.
I'm flying to Bulgaria in three hours.
For a job?
But I thought you quit.
I didn't quit working, JC.
I just quit working with you.
You take care of yourself, okay?
Vanessa.
Hey, bro, you forgot your dry ramen.
Val Kilmer?
Jane.
It's your favorite client.
I'm back.
-Jane. -JC.
Goddamn, I got such a hard-on when I heard your voice.
Ooh. Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Hey, you ready to pop the trunk on this shit?
-Yes. -Let's go.
Where have you been?
I've been relaxing.
Uh-huh. That explains no Christmas cards, birthday cards.
Okay, first up.
Action reimagining of "Rikki-Tikki-Tavi."
Channing Tatum's playing the mongoose,
you'd be one of the cobras.
This is set up at Paramount.
Jane.
Action reimagining of Anne of Green Gables.
This was on the black list last year.
Kid who wrote it is a garbageman in Fresno.
Uh, honey, those are not edible.
Oh.
That's at Paramount.
Okay. This isn't Paramount.
-Jane. -Origin story.
Of the restaurant P.F. Chang's.
But imagined as an action movie.
You'd be Richard Shaw, sidekick to Phineas Fog Chang.
-Channing Tatum is attached. -Jane.
Jackie Chan's playing General Tso,
he rides a giant CG chicken.
This is gonna be great.
Jane!
When I told you I was back,
I did not mean JCVD.
I meant... Johnson.
I see.
Director authorization recognized.
Security protocols engaged.
Johnson has been retired for two years.
That's an eternity in this line of work.
Room secured.
I stay active. I play Frisbee golf.
This isn't a game, Jean-Claude.
It's black ops.
Real black ops, not the game.
I send you out there before you're ready, people die.
No one's going to die.
Except for all the people I'm going to kill.
I'll put out feelers,
see if there are any low-risk assignments.
I want Bulgaria.
Oh, the job Vanessa's working.
Honey, that ship has sailed. You had your chance.
I want Bulgaria.
The job is booked.
My guy's already on the ground.
Who is it?
Jones? Thompson?
-Brown. -Brown.
Brown is a monster.
His, uh, methods are a bit extreme, but he's good.
Brown is good, but Johnson is better.
I can make the call.
For you, I'll always make the call,
but this isn't just about the client and you know that.
You need the cover job, too.
And that movie starts shooting in two days.
Jane, I trust you.
I'm going to pack.
JC, please tell me this isn't about Vanessa.
JC!
Well, JC, good news.
I worked my magic.
The mission and cover job are yours.
That's right, Bulgaria's a go.
But you're going up against bloodthirsty drug runners,
so, yeah, I hope you're ready.
Because... ready or not,
Johnson is back.
Oh, shit.
Ta-da!
Motherfucker.
I can't believe you pulled this.
-Vanessa-- -Don't, don't even.
You know how much this job means to me.
How hard I've worked to get here.
I'm not letting you fuck that up for me.
Get to work or get lost, your call.
Heroin cut with ketamine.
Kids call it HK. Hong Kong.
It's being smuggled in cans of motor oil.
It's highly addictive and highly lethal.
All right, you're set.
We know the source?
Intel points to a factory outside of town.
I'm gonna run recon this morning while you're shooting.
If it checks out,
we'll get you in there at the end of the week.
End of the week?
I thought it might make sense for you
to spend the week warming up with stunt work.
Before you have to do the real thing.
You know.
On the off chance you didn't walk in here
in peak physical condition.
Wait, stunt work.
In this movie?
You haven't even looked at the script.
--Vanessa.
-Hey. -Maybe you've forgotten, JC,
but what you do is fucking dangerous.
You waltz in here unprepared,
it's not just you that's gonna end up splattered
across the field.
Where's Brown?
Last-minute personnel change.
This is Johnson.
Johnson, meet Luis.
Where's Marcus?
Retired. For real retired.
Not Jean-Claude Van Damme retired.
Is he qualified?
I was top of my class at the Paul Mitchell academy.
Plus a Beacon award at the PBA Beauty Week 2014.
And before that?
I spent nine years
as a child soldier in el cartel de Los Zetas.
- Mr. Van Damme. - Yeah?
They're ready for you now.
We could run away, head out west.
We have more than enough gold left.
No more running. It ends tonight.
He's here.
I love you, Tom Sawyer.
Oh, Huck.
Huckleberry Finn.
Pop.
Daddy's home.
Ah. There's a new man of the house.
What the fuck?!
Cut!
Cut.
Okay, reset.
Uh, second team, let's--
Chrissy, baby. I am really sorry.
-Fix it. -On it.
Okay, uh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Uh, I know the choreography is tough.
Um, it's kind of my trademark, though.
Yes, I remember from the commercial
with the, uh, dancing hamsters.
-Yeah, exactly. -I know, it's so--
That's okay, this is what we're gonna do.
Sit down...
How's he looking?
Not good.
What's the story with you two?
We were a team.
I did hair and recon, he...
did what he does,
and eventually,
it's the classic story,
he spinning back heel kicked his way into my heart.
The chemistry was instant. It was undeniable.
But we didn't want to jeopardize the work,
so we tried to fight it.
You know, we shouldn't be doing this.
We should not be--
But every time we came back together for a mission,
we picked up right where we had left off,
until finally we realized there was no point in fighting it.
So we decided to take some time off.
Together.
I went to Bali while he finished up his press tour
and I waited for him.
But he never showed up.
I went my way.
He went his and...
eventually, he retired altogether.
And now he's back.
Now he's back.
So what's your story?
It's not that interesting.
I'll tell you later.
You're right. With Pop dead...
...it would be easy now to go someplace warm.
We got a problem.
We'll be fine, I just need to stretch a bit more.
Not you.
It's the factory.
I don't know how, but they must have gotten tipped off.
They've started moving the drugs out.
How long do we have?
It'll be empty by tonight.
Which means you need to find a way to change the schedule.
You need to be wrapped by 6:00, 7:00 p.m. at the latest.
...and, you know, couldn't do it.
Real hamsters is more practical.
-They did good, though. -Excuse me.
Ah, JC. Perfect.
I want you to meet one of your co-stars, this is Victor.
Big fan, Mr. Van Damme.
Really excited to be working with you.
-Same here. -Thank you.
Victor's playing "N" word Jim.
Okay.
Can I talk to you for a second?
Yeah. Yeah.
What's up, babe?
Well, it's about, uh, my choreography.
It doesn't have the right feel.
Okay, so-- Okay.
I have TBS, all right?
So I've seen Kickboxer like, a hundy times, right?
I love it just like everybody else.
But that '80s style of fighting,
the style that you're known for,
with the kicking and the spinning and the splits
in the middle of the s-- you know,
with the guys one at a time coming--
it's not realistic.
Now, we all know that now.
You know?
All I'm saying-- maybe we can spend half a day--
Oh, no, it's okay. I get it, I get it, I get it.
I-- I hear you.
But hey, we're gonna roll with the punches.
--Yeah.
Pow. Oh.
Roll with the punches.
Camera's set!
Action!
-Cut! Cut! -JC.
I'm so, so sorry, man.
I totally-- I totally thought you were gonna duck.
Okay, that's a wrap, everyone.
It's simple.
Get in, find the HK,
then all you need to do is get one of these trackers
on one of their shipments.
Remember, if you blow your cover,
the entire operation goes down in flames,
so stick to the plan.
Johnson.
Here's your weapon.
I've got my own weapons.
-Vanessa. -Give me a sec.
Okay, I got you.
I'm in.
I'll meet you back in my room in 59 minutes.
Your room?
You know, for mission review and alibi briefing.
Right, yeah, that location's
not gonna work for me this time around.
I can come to your room.
How about we do that dinner?
Hotel restaurant.
Work only.
I'm in uniform.
Headed for the entrance.
Slow it down a sec.
I've got a half a dozen workers
coming up on your position.
There's another group approaching.
I need to see which direction they're headed.
You're right.
With Pop dead, it would be a more comfortable life.
Comfortable life.
I don't want to do what's easy, Tom, I want to do what's right.
What did you say?
Wait. What are you doing?
Nothing.
Please tell me you didn't bring your script.
You said yourself I need to be prepared.
Being prepared for tomorrow's scenes
isn't gonna do you a lot of good
- if you're dead tonight.
Down!
Don't worry. Nobody's going to lay eyes on me.
Hey!
Filip, how is it going?
Good.
Good, good. Well, I don't want to keep you.
Okay. The HK should be through those double doors.
Hey, Filip.
What is this?
What's happening here?
Just go with it.
Hey, Filip.
-Hey, Filip. -Hey, Filip.
Hey, it's just me, Filip.
Who are you?
Um... I'm you.
From the future, and I'm here to warn you
that something bad's going to happen to this factory.
You should leave.
You're not me from the future.
What?
Like matter cannot occupy like space.
Timecop.
Have you seen it?
-Yeah. -So you know the rules.
Like matter cannot occupy like space.
But, uh, in Looper, Bruce Willis
and Joseph Gordon-Levitt touch many times.
If you are really me,
do you think Looper, it's a better movie than Timecop?
-Yes. -False.
I think Timecop is way better than Looper.
You've got excellent taste in films.
Okay, I've got the signal.
Now get out of there.
What, are you worried about me?
Well,
you gotta admit, that was a strange one,
even for you.
But hey...
that's mission success.
I'll meet you at the restaurant in 30.
Just don't stand me up this time.
Oh, shit.
Vanessa.
Vanessa, can you hear me?
--I've got to go back.
I dropped my script.
It has my fucking name on it.
Psst.
"And what about us?
"You promised we'd start a family of our own.
The family we never had."
"Huck, we already have."
Jean-Claude Van Damme?
Yeah.
Sergey.
JC.
I love you.
Huh?
- Me want!
No, no, no. One at a time,
or you run into each other.
Could get confusing. Go!
- Go!
Come on!
Excuse me.
-It's Vanessa, right? -Yeah.
Are you okay?
Vanessa.
Vanessa, please.
I can explain.
JC. Hey, man.
Look, Vanessa wanted me to tell you that
it's not a good time.
Sorry.
-Jane. -Before you say another word,
yes, Brown is telling people that he's coming for you,
but I'm on it.
Don't worry.
I'm not calling about Brown.
Oh, no.
Honey, you don't sound good.
Jane, the job is harder than I remember it.
The movie's shit.
And the woman I love...
is fucking "N" word Jim.
The woman I love.
I should never have come back.
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪
♪ Well, the names have all changed ♪
♪ Since you hung around ♪
♪ But those dreams have remained ♪
♪ And they've turned around ♪
♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪
♪ Back here where we need ya ♪
♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪
♪ 'Cause we've got him on the spot ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back, welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back, welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back, welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back. ♪