# Make a date, don't be late
# Cos you know it's gonna be great
# When the irrepressible Browns come to town
# To begin, just tune in
# And you'll wear an ear-to-ear grin
# Watching Agnes and her clan act the clown
# Instead of feeling depressed
# Let laughter make you feel blessed
# So it's All Round To Mrs Brown's! #
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to All Round To Mrs Brown's!
Oh, hello.
AUDIENCE: Hello!
Welcome to a windy night here at my house.
We've not seen wind like that since...
..well, since Grandad tried to tie his own shoelaces.
LAUGHTER
I don't know.
Maybe that Greta Iceberg is right about this climate change.
Which reminds me... we've got new recycling bins.
I can't figure these out.
Cardboard goes in blue and...
Something goes in red and...
The only one I'm sure of is Grandad's socks go in yellow.
Ah, dear. Well, what a show we have for you tonight.
Matt Lucas is here!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I know. Or should I say... MIMICS ANDY: "Yeah, I know."
And Cathy's very excited because she has a genuine Spice Girl
on her chat show.
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
BIRDS CHIRP
LAUGHTER
You shouldn't be wearing that in that storm out there.
It's a beautiful day out. Yeah.
THUNDER BOOMS
Well, is she here? Is she? What?
Mel, is she here?
Mel, listen to yourself. You'd think you knew her all your life.
MRS BROWN CHUCKLES
Mrs Brown, I'll have you know, I've been following the Spice Girls
for over 20 years. Well, Sharon, I'll have you know
that that's called stalking and it's illegal.
Hey!
Sorry. I saw yous.
MRS BROWN SIGHS
Did we not have a Spice Girl on the show already?
Do you remember, erm, Ginger Rogers?
I love Ginger, but...
BOTH: Mel B!
# Hai si ja, hold tight. #
Girl Power!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Out! Get out!
Get out!
Oh, my God.
Oh, the heat!
THUNDER BOOMS
I know the weather said changeable, but that's ridiculous!
What are those two like?
You know, Cathy's always dreamt about being a pop star.
I remember watching her in the school Christmas show
when she was a little girl.
MRS BROWN SNIFFS Brought tears to my eyes.
AUDIENCE: Aw.
She butchered Away In A Manger.
BIRDS CHIRP
CHEERING Hello, Buster.
Hello, Mrs Brown.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
THUNDER BOOMS
Is Dermot here yet? No.
He's picking up one of Cathy's guests from the train. Melanie B.
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
Oh, wow. I'm a massive fan. Really?
Yeah. I've seen all the movies.
Blazing Saddles, Young Frankenstein.
Er...
Silent Movie. Huge fan!
Oh!
Buster, I'm trying to figure out this recycling
thing like Gertrude Funbags, you know, asked us to,
to fight global warming.
Ah, I remember last year when everything started warming up.
Yes! And then it got hotter and hotter. Exactly.
But then, it started to cool down.
And the leaves on the trees went brown and fell off.
And then it got really cold over Christmas.
Buster, have you never heard about the seasons?
Parsley and thyme, salt and pepper. No, no!
That's the seasonings.
Ah. BIRDS CHIRP
CHEERING
Hi.
Here, Melanie. You sit down.
Melanie, thank God you're here. Oh, I feel much better now.
Right, Ma, I'm off.
See you later, Mrs Brown.
BIRDS CHIRP
Ah.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I was hoping he'd hang on and help me
figure out these recycling things.
Well, it's actually quite simple.
Oh, so was he.
Would you like a cup of tea? Yes, please.
MRS BROWN CHUCKLES
Do you know what I've been dying to ask you? Oh, go on, what?
I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want.
LAUGHTER, CHEERING
What is it that you really, really want?
I really, really, really, really, really want... Zigazig ah?
No, I don't smoke. Thank you very much.
I wanted to know, where did this...? Why did they find you scary?
I'm actually not scary, I'm not scary.
You know, it was hard not to be a fan of the Spice Girls.
You broke the mould, yous really did.
You started off girl power, and yous are such role models for young
women who are now coming up. There's girl bands everywhere.
You were the first. Aw, it's nice when you say it like that.
Isn't it? Getting a bit embarrassed, yeah.
What was it like, starting off?
I mean, back in the day, you know,
we were all living in a small house in Maidenhead, you know, collecting
benefits, trying to get jobs, but in the meantime,
working on our music
and trying to form our band together with as little money as what we had.
So, we, the taxpayers, paid for your band?
And you were famous for your leopard-skin print.
I know, I am wearing leopard print. You can't see it right now. Me, too!
MRS BROWN CACKLES
Listen, I don't like putting you on the spot,
but honestly, have you ever seen Victoria smile?
Yes!
Of course I have!
Really?
She actually has a really wicked, sarcastic sense of humour.
She's actually really funny. Has she got teeth?
Cos I've never seen them.
Yeah, she does. Does she? No, she does have teeth and she does smile.
Now, I know you lived over in LA, as we call it. Yeah.
But you've moved back to Leeds? Yeah.
We were there over the summer in Leeds,
cos I was rehearsing for Spice Girls Show,
and so my middle child, Angel, who's coming up to be 13,
spent a lot of time in Leeds, so she decided
she wanted to go to school there.
So I kind of nearly fell off my chair a little bit.
I'm like, "You really want to go to school in Leeds?"
You really, really wanna, wanna, wanna?
I always say my home is wherever my kids go to school. Aw.
Even though I'm from Leeds, but now it's properly my home again,
cos my kids are now in Leeds.
Oh, that's a lovely thing to say. It really is lovely. Yeah.
APPLAUSE It is nice.
You'll need to get ready for Cathy's show.
Let me just check that the green room's ready.
Stay where you are, and I'll tell you when it's ready.
THUNDER BOOMS
Go ahead.
Melanie B!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
THUNDER BOOMS
CATHY: Mammy, come on, the show's about to start!
I'm coming! It's time for the Cathy Brown Show.
CHEERING
# Lights aglow, here we go
# The Cathy Brown Show. #
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, and welcome to the Cathy Brown Show... HELLO!
With me, Cathy Brown. And me, don't forget me!
I'm Mrs Brown on the Cathy Brown Sho-o-ow!
LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE
MRS BROWN MOUTHS
OK, you now, Cathy. You just read that there, see that line.
Yeah, I know, Mammy, thank you.
"Yes, I know, Mammy, we've got a fantastic..." Mammy, I know!
We've got a fantastic... "Fantastic show..."
I can do this bit on my own, OK?
We've got a fantastic show for you tonight. "Fantastic show..."
He's one of the nation's best-loved comedians and actors,
the brilliant Matt Lucas is here...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
..and she's part of the most successful girl band in history,
get ready to spice up your life,
it's Melanie Brown.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Please welcome Matt and Melanie!
Hi.
Hello. How are you?
Very good. Hi! Hello!
Mwah, hello.
Sit down, sit down. And hello to you. Hi.
Welcome to the show, both of you. It's lovely to see you.
Oh, that is fabulous.
MUSIC: Little Britain Theme Tune
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
What the hell, Buster?! It's for Matt.
I love Little Britain, I'm a massive fan. I could never
pretend to be such a stupid character on television, though.
LAUGHTER
MIMICS DAFFYD: I'm the only gay in the village.
No, that's...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
MIMICS VICKY POLLARD: Oh, my God.
I so can't believe you just said that!
You are well getting a beating.
No, no, wait! No, wait a second!
You've got it the wrong way round. Show them, would you, Matt?
No, YOU say, "I'm the only gay in the village."
And YOU say, "Oh, my God, I so can't believe you just said that!"
That's what you... You have to...
Shut up!
I'm the only gay in the village.
That's better. Nice tits, by the way.
MRS BROWN CHUCKLES
No, I was talking to him, yeah.
Oh, Ma. Yes, love? I found a few slates out the back, from the roof.
That's from that storm. What storm? Oh, it doesn't matter.
I'll call the roofer. No, me and Dermot will fix it.
We get to go on the roof! Buster!
Lights!
MUSIC: Little Britain Theme Tune
APPLAUSE
Sorry about that, guys. Sorry!
Well, we are delighted to have both of you here.
It's such a real thrill for us, it really is. Unbelievable.
So, guys, you've both spent some time in LA. You've lived in LA.
So, Matt? Yes? You had a very interesting housemate.
We've a photograph here. Yes, I did, yeah. You and Rebel Wilson. Aw!
I did. How did that come about?
Well, we were in a film together called Bridesmaids.
Fantastic. Brilliant. And...
APPLAUSE ..we just got along, we played
brother and sister in the film, but it was one of those...
Have you ever met someone and thought, "Oh, I feel like I've
"known you my whole life"?
So, I was moving over there and I had this house,
and I thought, "Oh, it'd be a bit boring to live on my own.
"Do you want to come and live with me?"
And she said yes. So, we lived together for three years,
until she became this massive movie star
and bought loads of houses, and then she moved out.
But it was fun living together. We did get in trouble with
the neighbours because we would sing show tunes very loudly at the piano.
And we made a bit of a rumpus in the pool sometimes,
so we'd get letters of complaint.
In that movie, the minute I saw you, this is no lie,
I went, "Are you sure they're not REALLY brother and sister?"
Well, no, we're actually the same person. Ah.
No, people think we look a lot alike,
but I think sometimes there's only so many faces to go round.
I've also got Boris Johnson's face. Like, a little bit.
Oh, God love you. At least you don't have his hair! Yeah.
LAUGHTER
Yeah. Melanie, did the Spice Girls live together? Yeah, we did.
It was good. I shared a room with Mel C.
Victoria had her own room, and Geri and Emma shared a room.
Wow. Apart from yourself, who was the bitch?
LAUGHTER
Who?
Tell, tell, tell, tell!
I don't think any of us are bitches. Oh, you liar! No, Mammy, no!
I don't think so!
Did you draw straws for who got the room on their own? No.
Yeah, how did she wangle that? Yeah.
I just don't think anybody wanted to share with her!
LAUGHTER
You just answered my question!
I mean that in the nicest way possible. Aw.
"In the nicest way possible, we locked the door behind her."
So, Melanie, you've just started a new podcast.
A dating podcast. Yeah.
I'm sure you've heard all sorts of stories on that.
I have actually, yes. I'm a very kind of nosy person. OK.
So, I'm the host of this podcast and I interview people
and I get to find out what single life is like out there.
It's really interesting to hear people's, like, opinions
on views on, like, dating apps and what to
do on a first date, a second date, a third date,
so I just literally sit there.
I'm like the confession box and they just tell me everything.
I'm like, "No way." And you've started your own podcast.
What's that about? Yes, so I've got a podcast,
which is on the BBC Sounds app,
and it's also going to be broadcast on Radio 2 around now.
And it's called Bitch Bitch Bitch.
And each week I get on three people who have the same job,
but it's an aspirational job, you know,
something you would love to do, like be in a West End musical,
I've had airline hostesses,
and then I get them to just moan and whinge.
And people are very candid. And it's been great fun, yeah.
Is there one of the professions that you really thought yourself...
Well, well... ..that they shouldn't be moaning?
Well, West End musicals, we had stars of West End musicals,
and I've been in a few myself,
and that was interesting because actually one of the things
that people don't really realise is all those theatres in London
are really old and a lot of them have really bad sewerage problems.
Ugh! And so backstage stinks in the West End.
Just stinks of poo!
It's like being inside of a poo...
LAUGHTER
..if you're in a show. I can just imagine.
# Bring him home
# Bring... #
Jesus! Smell of shit.
# Bring him home! #
And, Melanie, you were in Chicago.
Well, I did Rent on Broadway and then Chicago,
so it was nice to come back to Broadway
cos it had been like 15 years since I'd done it.
But you were in the original cast of Rent, weren't you? Yeah. Yeah, wow.
Which was a lot of fun, but it was kind of a double-edged sword
because my now 21-year-old was 4 at the time,
and she learnt all the words, so she'd go to school,
and show and tell, she'd be saying...
# Bisexual, transsexual. #
That would be her song in show and tell.
I'd be like, "Ooh, God, sorry!"
So, Melanie, it's been another great year for you.
Spice Girls went back on tour.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Here we have a photo of you guys. You look amazing!
That was fun.
You guys haven't aged a bit. Oh, no, we have.
No, you look fantastic. But gracefully, I hope.
Is it true you might be doing Glastonbury?
Well, there's a bunch of rumours, but there's nothing set in stone.
Would Victoria join you guys?
I thought she was going to join us on this tour,
but she didn't because, you know, she's got her other commitments
and, you know, her fashion line, which is amazing,
and her family and stuff.
But I would like to think if we do ever get back together, whether
it would be this year or next year, I hope that she would join us.
It would be a nice one to do, though. We all started off together.
Yeah. Speaking of reunions,
is it true there's going to be a Little Britain reunion?
Oh, please! Go on! Please. Please! Please!
CHEERING
Thank you. Um...
So, it's been reported in the papers that there's going to be
a reunion, and what's actually happened is the two of us
have, you know, been meeting up quite a lot and saying,
"Ooh, we'd like to do that again."
But we don't know exactly in what form it will happen,
so we don't know if it will be on TV or whether we'll do something live.
We haven't decided yet, but what we have said is we'd like to
try and do some more Little Britain.
But I do think it would be... People are on the edge of their seat, like this!
But I don't know, I don't have a firm date of anything
and I don't know what it would be.
Well, let's say if it was,
would it be new characters or the old characters?
Oh, no, no, please. I don't know.
Or would the old characters still be the same age,
or would they have aged?
I think that's a good question, and we haven't worked it out yet,
whether Vicky is now in her 30s,
and her children are now the age she was when we saw her,
or whether she's just still Vicky Pollard of that age.
But I think the show would feel different if we did it again,
because, you know, times have changed.
There's a lot of things you can't do.
I don't know, for instance, now if people want to see a comedy show
in prime time where people are just using the F word.
I don't know if...
LAUGHTER
I don't know...
APPLAUSE
I mean, a question I'm always asking myself, David, too -
do people want to see a man dressed as a woman any more?
I just don't know. Absolutely not. I just don't know.
That's sick! That is sick.
We will keep our fingers crossed. Thank you.
And the Spice Girls,
do you think the Spice Girls could be in Little Britain?
What would you do? Oh, we would LOVE that.
Would you be Vicky Pollard's friends? Yeah, we'd all just fight.
You wouldn't have to act!
Melanie, the Spice Girls had some pretty impressive fans.
I'm going to ask Matt, can he guess who this is in this photograph?
Look at all the Spice Girls pictures all over the wall. Do you know what?
Yeah, I think she doesn't look anything like that any more.
Is that Adele? It IS Adele. Is it? Wow.
That's Adele in her bedroom when she was a little girl!
APPLAUSE
Speaking of famous fans, Elton John?
You had a naughty interaction with Elton John.
Well, he was in our movie thing, Spice World. Spice World, yes.
So, we found out that Elton John was staying at a Four Seasons Hotel that
we happened to be at one time,
and he was staying up on the penthouse floor,
so me and Geri got dared to go up to the penthouse floor -
I mean, there's cameras in the hallway,
I don't know what we were thinking -
run down the hallway, knock on his door,
pee in the plant pot that was outside his door...
..then run back down to our room, as if nothing had happened!
Stupid!
We did that kind of stuff.
We thought only us five knew, but clearly the whole hotel
and security system knew.
It wasn't a great plan, because I would have peed in the plant before
I knocked at the door. I know, but Geri did that on purpose.
As I was peeing, she was knocking. I was like, "Argh!"
Such childish things you do, but it was a lot of fun.
Melanie, can I ask you?
Can you remember the original dance steps to Stop Right Now?
Yeah, it's still the same ones that we still do.
Do you think you could teach us? Really? Really! Yeah, really!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE If you want.
You can be Baby Spice. Thank you.
So, Baby Spice, Posh Spice. Which one would you like to be, Melanie?
Scary! Oh yes, of course!
Of course!
So, that's three. We're still short two.
MUSIC: Stop by Spice Girls
We're two. Perfect.
CATHY: Mel, can you walk us through this?
Yeah. It's really simple.
So, you go...
# Stop right now
# Thank you very much... #
Sorry, I did it wrong.
# Need somebody with a human touch. #
Let's do it with the music. Can we do it with the music?
# Stop right now
# Thank you very much
# I need somebody with a human touch
# Hey, you, always on the run
# Gotta slow it down, baby
# Gotta have some fun... #
Ladies and gentlemen!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Get out, you two. Get out! Oh, that was fantastic.
I haven't danced like that since, erm, ever. There you go, Mammy.
But as always,
it's that time in the show to bring out one
of my guest's family members.
So, please give a big welcome to Matt's mammy, Diana.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello. Hello!
Oh, I love your nails! Hi! Oh, thank you. Your nails are lovely.
Oh, Diana, you look stunning. You look absolutely stunning.
I love that top. Give it to me when you're finished, will you?
Sit down, Diana. Make yourself comfortable.
I like the glitzy cushions. So, Diana, we've been speaking about
Little Britain. Who were your favourite characters? Um...
You didn't like it. I DID like it.
No, there were some characters I didn't like... Oh, which ones?
..cos I thought they were too rude, like Bitty.
What was it about it that you didn't like?
Well, she didn't like the fact that it was based on our life.
LAUGHTER
For people who don't know, what do you mean?
Well, David was an adult breast-feeding from his mum.
And it just brought back memories, did it?
Diana, did he make you laugh as a kid? Um...
Well, no! The answer's yes!
LAUGHTER
He did. That's not one you think about.
Yeah, he did, he was quite sort of mischievous. Yes, thank you.
And I remember somebody used to call you Nosh Pop.
He was quite a sort of...
Nosh Pop?
Nosh Pop. He was a very... He was a chubby baby.
Surprise, surprise.
LAUGHTER
You're getting rave reviews here! Yeah.
That's a common theme, by the way, my size. Very cuddly.
I go to my mum's house for dinner and, as she puts the food down,
she goes, "Right, I've got more peas, I've got more chicken,
"I've got more potatoes, I've got more carrots, I've got..."
And then through the meal, "Matt, have more potatoes.
"Matt, have some more potatoes."
And then she puts it on my plate and feeds me, and then at the end
of the evening, she goes, "Now what are we going to do about that, eh?"
LAUGHTER "Eh? Mm?"
It's true.
Well, Matt, your mam did share a little video with us
of when you were younger. Oh, no! Really?
I don't think there is much. It was actually at your Bar Mitzvah.
Oh, no, no, no. You can't show that. Would you like to see it? Yes, yes, yes.
I haven't seen this since my Bar Mitzvah. Well, let's have a look!
1987. 1987, actually. Nor have I. Oh, my gosh...
YOUNG MATT: Well, it's finally arrived and I can hardly believe it.
Thank you very much for that exceptional speech.
Don't worry, I will get my own back.
LAUGHTER
Aw! I'm sure you would all agree that none of this would have gone
anywhere without Mum.
I know that I might get on your nerves
and I might ACCIDENTALLY blow my top sometimes...
..well, actually, only very occasionally.
I do love you and I've got something for you here.
Ooh, thank you.
Very unexpected.
Aw!
I didn't know... APPLAUSE
That is cute. Thank you.
I haven't seen that since 1987, and I genuinely
didn't know it existed.
I'd completely forgotten about it. Yeah, got the whole tape, actually.
What does it feel like watching it now? Yeah, it's weird.
That was our house that we grew up in.
It meant a lot, it meant everything to me.
And 13 is your entry into adulthood in the Jewish religion,
but I still haven't entered adulthood.
Thank you, Diana, for sharing it with us. Thank you.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you. Thanks, Mum.
That's 33 years ago. Yeah, all right! Don't tell them I'm old!
LAUGHTER OK, Mammy, why don't you take
Diane into the kitchen for a little chat of your own?
Diana, come on. Meet me in the kitchen, we can have a chat.
APPLAUSE
Now, this... It's very nice. This is my own brand of drink.
This one's called Drink Till He's Cute. Ooh, God.
LAUGHTER, MRS BROWN CACKLES
We'll be drinking all night.
LAUGHTER
A toast... Cheers.
May the roof above us never fall in and those beneath it never fall out.
Up your bum.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Oh, that's nice.
When did you realise that you had a special child on your hands?
Um... I saw something. He was different?
It was unusual talent. Different, yeah, but...
I just saw... I just saw an unusual talent, so I encouraged
him to audition, and he came home and he said, "I've landed a really
"big part in this school play."
It was a musical, actually. Right.
And he absolutely brought the house down, and he got a stand...
He did, I'm not lying, he got a standing ovation. From his mother?
Oh. LAUGHTER
The part was called Accrington Stanley
and that was in The Roman Invasion Of Ramsbottom.
And Matt got chosen to play the role on the Edinburgh Fringe.
That's incredible. He was 13, actually.
So, he was destined for it?
That was his path to... Yeah.
I read somewhere that you used to take him to his gigs?
Yeah, I was a chauffeur, actually. That's right. Very often.
He was only, what, 16, then?
Yes, he started at comedy clubs, just doing slots that were
not paid, and then he'd come back late at night and of course,
being a mother, I'd be worried, so I'd go and collect him. Yes.
You brought some fantastic photographs. Ah, yes!
This... Look at that.
Aw. AUDIENCE: Aw!
He was six months old on that picture.
He's a very special son, he really is. He's a marvellous son.
What makes you most proud of him? Well, two things.
I think, first of all,
I can honestly say that fame has not gone to his head.
He never, ever forgets family and friends.
He is the most thoughtful, most generous of his time,
when he can be, and just a very generous, thoughtful, kind son.
Look at this one, look. Look at mucky face, look at that.
MRS BROWN LAUGHS Look at that!
Now, there's one of them here I want you to tell me about,
cos this is an interesting one.
This one.
You see that? His hair is thinning in that.
Yeah, I think he was about four or five at school.
What happened was he lost his hair, but then it actually did grow back.
He had some treatment and it grew back,
but then after that, when he was seven, it fell out.
And it's funny, because I think most people think that his head is
shaved and it's a choice. No, no.
Well, it suits him, I can't think of him any other way.
I couldn't picture him any other way.
Look at that birthday... Look at that. Oh, yes. That was about...
# Happy birthday to you. #
He was 32 there. He was about eight.
LAUGHTER
Probably about eight. About eight years old.
This is like being present at your own funeral!
Well, you know what? You're a very lucky mother to have
a child like him. I am indeed.
I wish I had just ONE like him! I'd be very, very happy.
But he's also a very, very lucky boy. Aw, thank you.
APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, Diana!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Let's go back inside.
KNOCKING
Mrs Brown, help! There's somebody at the door.
KNOCKING
Chef Aly! Mrs Brown, help!
What? The door's open. Oh, my God.
You've got your sausage caught in the wheel of your bike.
Let me help, let me help. Be careful, be careful!
I am being careful! Ready?
Ah! POP!
Chef Aly's sausage.
Chef Aly's in the house!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Reggae!
MUSIC: Boombastic by Shaggy
RECORD SCRATCHES, MUSIC STOPS
Oh, well, Chef Aly, what's all this?
This is my ingredients for one one-minute meal.
OK, so what are you going to do? What dish are you going to do?
I've got here nice tuna. It's tuna with a spicy noodle. Melanie. Yeah?
Come on in and have a look at this. Do you cook yourself, Melanie?
I do cook, yeah. What do you like to cook? I'm not very good.
What kind of food do you like to cook?
Well, I do like regular, like pasta or Sunday dinner. Oh,
yeah, yeah. Sunday roast. Family meals? Yeah.
Now, you're going to have until you hear the gong, so it's one minute.
Three...
AUDIENCE: ..two...one!
Go!
OK, so this is the seared tuna. There goes the...
What's that going in there?
It's vegetable here.
It goes in the pan for stir-fry.
The tuna is here.
And I've got the noodles here.
Just stick it in a bit of heat.
This one goes here, just put the noodles in here.
We mix the soya sauce with some chilli,
a little bit of coriander and...
Very nice, Chef. Shall I turn that over?
Little bit here. You could turn it over.
This one doesn't need long to cook.
And already here... That smells
really good. Yeah.
Very good, Chef.
Oh, toss the noodles. If you want to know how to
toss your noodles at home,
it's on our website.
How are we doing? How are we doing time-wise? Wow. 15 seconds.
That noodles is ready to go.
Ten,
nine, eight, seven,
seven, six, five,
four, three, two,
one.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
That was close, Chef. That was close. Smells really good.
Let's have a taste of this. Go ahead. Oh, look, it's so tender.
It is. Oh, my God. That's really good. That's very good.
That's nice, eh?
Mm! That's really tasty. Oh, God, yeah.
You didn't prep anything? You just did it? No, it's actually
like what you see. Already there's tuna, already doesn't need long.
Oh, shut up.
Reggae!
MUSIC: Boombastic by Shaggy
RECORD SCRATCHES, MUSIC STOPS
Let's go back inside for the rest of the show!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Chef Aly's one-minute meal!
KNOCKING
Are you there, Agnes?
It's open! Oh, how are you?
BIRDS CHIRP How are you, Winnie, love?
CHEERING
How did you get through that weather? It's lovely out there.
MRS BROWN SIGHS
THUNDER BOOMS
OK, I give up. What are you doing over?
Well, you told me to come over. You said I could ask the question.
Winnie's one question. Come on.
Excuse me, everybody. This is my best friend, Winnie McGoogan.
Hello. Hello. Hello.
Now, Winnie gets to ask one question. One question.
So, who would you like to ask, now - Matt, Melanie or Diana?
All of them. Oh, OK.
Yeah. Now, the question is, what size is the carbon
footprint of an aeroplane?
No idea. Matt? No, I'm not... I wouldn't know. Not a clue.
I wouldn't even know that, Winnie.
Size 9 and a half! Oh!
Is it?
Just get out, go on. I have another question.
That's a shoe size, eejit.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Diana. No, well... I'm sorry.
Well, that's all we have time for on the Cathy Brown Show. Oh, yes.
Thanks to all my guests tonight, Melanie Brown...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
..Matt Lucas...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you.
..and of course, his mammy, Diana.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
We'll see you next time. Goodnight!
See you later in Foley's!
# Lights aglow, here we go
# The Cathy Brown Show. #
DERMOT SIGHS
CHEERING Hello, boys.
That's the roof all fixed for you, Ma.
Well done, son. I see you've still got that useless tool. Which one?
Him.
MRS BROWN CACKLES
Ha-ha-ha. We checked the whole roof, Ma. There's no storm damage.
Oh, fantastic.
But your satellite dish did blow onto next door,
so I got it back and put it back on the roof for you. Well done...
Wait, I don't have a satellite dish.
Well, you do now.
Right, Ma, we're off. Wait, Dermot! What, Ma?
I need you to help me sort out these recycling bins.
I don't know which is which. Ma, I don't even know meself.
Yeah, I know, but I don't want to disappoint,
you know, Greta Thunderbolt
or whatever her name is.
It's easy. Really, Buster? Yeah.
Biodegradable into the red.
Something goes into ...ing green.
LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE
I'll get this. I'll get this.
Biodegradable into red.
Tin and plastic. I can do the line, then.
Really, Buster? Yeah, biodegradable into the red.
Tin and plastic into the green.
Glass goes into blue,
unless it's green glass, in which case, goes into the white.
Ha! Phew.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Buster! Say that again!
The biodegradable goes into...
..the red. Plastic into the...
Feck that. I'm going down to Foley's.
THUNDER BOOMS
Oh, well done, girls.
Winnie, what do you think about this climate change?
You know what I mean, like recycling? I think it's essential.
I always wear the same knickers two days in a row.
LAUGHTER
Ladies and gentlemen, look, it's Jax Jones and Raye!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Mwah, mwah!
Hello. Mwah.
Oh, my God. You're so sexy. Thank you. I was talking to her. Oh, man!
So, how did you two get together?
Wrote a song called You Don't Know Me years ago,
it's our only hit, ever. You only had one hit?
No, that's a complete lie.
Every song Jax has done... Liar! Exactly.
LAUGHTER Don't lie to them!
Never washing it again.
Are you going to do a new one for us, are you? Yeah. Mm-mm.
What's the name of that? It's called Tequila.
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
Hey-ay-ay-ay-ay!
Salt and lemon. Mm!
So, I like when my guests come on, the guests that just come on
for a little croon, a song, you know, just for me.
We have one for you.
Really? We have got a song for you. Oh, please. A dedication, yeah.
I've got to put my specs on. Of course you do. You ready?
# Let there be you
# Let there be me
# Ooh
# Let there be oysters
# Under the sea
# Yeah, yeah, yeah
# Let there be cuckoos
# A lark and a dove
# But first of all, please
# Let there be love
# Love. #
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
OK, you two, go get ready for the songs,
and I'll get myself a drink. Sharon, same again!
Ladies and gentlemen, performing their big hit from last year,
You Don't Know Me, plus a new song, Tequila,
it's Jax Jones and Raye.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Let's keep the hands going.
# What you, what you gonna do?
# Ooh, na-na, yeah
# Don't act like you know me Like you know me, na-na, yeah
# I am not your homie Not your, ooh, na-na, yeah
# Don't act like you know me, Like you know me, na-na, yeah
# You don't know me
# No
# Yeah, time is money so don't, oh, with mine
# See, I'm out with my girls, I'mma have a good time
# Oh, oh, oh
# Step back with your chit-chat Killin' my vibe
# Oh, oh, oh
# Oh, na-na
# Yeah
# See, I can't get too much of a good thing
# It's why I'm here dressed up in the finest things
# Oh, please hold your tongue Don't say a damn thing
# Mm-mm, sing it with me, let's go
# See your iPhone camera flashin'
# Please step back It's my style you're crampin'
# You here for long? Oh, no, I'm just passin'
# Do you want to drink? No, thanks for askin'
# Ooh, na-na, yeah
# Don't act like you know me Like you know me, na-na, yeah
# I am not your homie Not your, ooh, na-na, yeah
# Don't act like you know me Like you know me, na-na, yeah
# You don't know me
# Yeah
# Hey, don't act like you know me Like you know me, na-na, yeah
# I am not your homie Not your, ooh, na-na, yeah
# Don't act like you know me Like you know me, na-na, yeah
# You don't know me, yeah. #
All right, guys, it's Tequila time, everybody.
# That's my lifestyle
# That's my, that's my lifestyle
# Tonight if you take a photo Get my good side
# Toasting to the future Tell them more life, na-na
# If you want some drama catch me outside, na-na
# Let's not take it there, no
# In the rave so serious
# See me dance so serious
# Why you look so serious?
# Hands up if you're feeling us, no
# One shot, two shot, three shot, four shot
# I think that you need some more shots
# Wait, hol' up
# Take it to the, take it to the dance floor
# Tequila, la, la, la
# Yeah
# Tequila, la, la, la
# Tequila, la, da, dum
# Tequila, la, la, la
# Hey, tequila, la, la, la
# Tequila, la, la, la
# Tequila, la, da, dum
# Tequila, la, la, la
# Oh
# Why you tryna grab your coat and go home?
# Let me introduce you to my friend, though
# He goes by the name of Don Julio
# Julio, hey
# Hands up if you're feeling us
# Mel B, hands up if you're feeling us
# Oi, oi
# Take your body over to the dance floor
# Tequila, la, la, la
# Oh, yeah
# Tequila, la, la, la
# Tequila, la, da, dum
Hey, hey
# Tequila, la, la, la
# That's my lifestyle, that's my, that's my lifestyle
# Tequila, la, la, la
# That's my lifestyle, that's my, that's my lifestyle
# Tequila, la, la, la
# That's my lifestyle, that's my, that's my lifestyle
# Tequila, la, da, dum
# Tequila, la, la, la. #
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Love you, Mrs Brown.
Well, that's the show.
I hope you enjoyed Mel B. She's such a wonderful role model.
And as for Matt Lucas, he's the son every mother dreams she'd have.
With a son like Matt, Diana must feel she's won the lotto.
I think I won mine at the bingo.
We all want what's best for our children,
and what's best right now is to stop fecking up the planet.
Greta Thunberg is just a child. WE'RE supposed to be the adults.
You wouldn't give a child a dirty toy, would you?
So why would you leave them with a wasted planet?
So, let's do something. Not tomorrow. Now.
And on that cheery note, goodnight.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
# Make a date, don't be late
# Cos you know it's gonna be great
# When the irrepressible Browns come to town
# To begin, just tune in
# And you'll wear an ear-to-ear grin
# Watching Agnes and her clan act the clown
# Instead of feeling depressed
# Let laughter make you feel best
# So It's All Round To Mrs Brown's. #