Deception. Untruth.
Camouflage. Life's never what it seems.
It's a mirror maze, and just when you think you can see it,
you realise it's just another mirror.
An abstract distortion.
The ever helpful, likeable Bob.
Will you thank your mum for those lovely kebabs, please?
Secretly a member of the Far Right.
He hates Pakistanis.
Concealment. Mystification.
Mr Mirza, he is breaching cultural taboos
with an Estonian prostitute called Maarika.
He thinks she loves him.
"Therefore I lie with her, and she with me,
and in our fault by lies, we flattered be."
And finally, we have Mrs Kaneez Paracha,
lesbian daughter Nasreen
and prospective gay son-in-law Naveed Haider.
Deceit! Bluff! Ruse!
Self deception?
I think it could work!
Don't you?
These, please. Thank you very much.
And these, please, too.
Oh, thanks, gods.
Nice girls around here don't buy alcohol!
After all it's not what you do,
it's what you're seen to do that matters round here.
Nas, it's like a...
Harry Potter invisibility cloak!
THEY LAUGH
Watch out!
Grab it!
Me money...
Oi!
DRUMMING AND CHEERING
They know how to throw a wedding, don't they?
All that gold. Sami dressed like a prince on a white horse.
It's their tradition, in't it?
You'd have looked awful in red and gold.
LOUD, RHYTHMIC DRUMMING
MUSIC: It's Like That by Run-DMC vs Jason Nevins
When you and Naveed tie the knot promise you'll have a disco.
Aww, stop talking about my wedding!
You look nice.
You all right?
20 minute wait for a cab.
Can you believe it? Wait...
Wait in there.
I'll wait with you.
Don't be daft.
Sami...
... congratulations.
Thanks.
Look, I don't... I don't wanna hurt her.
I know you don't.
Who are they?
Nasreen! Razia! Saleem! Missy! Time to get up!
Missy! Come on, get up.
SHE GROANS
Up you get!
Missy.
Missy!
Missy, we stole Jordan Wilson's money!
This is drug money!
Gang money! This... This...
Oh, so?
No-one's gonna go to the police, so, chill.
Nasreen! Razia! Saleem! Missy!
Oh, I'm never touching cider again.
I'm never touching kebabs again.
Where they get 'em from, Chernobyl?
Oh...
Oh... Oh, here we go again.
SHE RETCHES
Morning.
Just... go back to your wife, Steve.
First day back at school, huh?
Now don't forget Naveed start today, huh.
Yeah. So are you all ready for that?
Er, for what?
You know, for telling everyone who he is...
You know, your boyfriend, fianc�.
Or what you're both gonna do?
But don't tell 'em everything because, er...
OK, Mum, Mum, please give me a little bit of credit,
I'm not gonna burst into the school hall, and say,
"Do you know what we are getting married but it's all a sham,
cos he's gay and I'm a lesbian."
Shh. Not so loud with lesbian. Nana is praying downstairs.
You know, this is best thing for both of you, eh?
- I know. - OK.
And remember, you be friendly.
Maybe little bit more friendly than usual...
but no too much.
I thought you wanted people to talk about us.
Yeah, but not like jiggy-jiggy.
Oh, Mum, Mum, no, no, no.
- OK! Coming! - Miss Keane's here!
- You've done this before? - Sort of.
Just take your time.
Oh, no, I almost forgot.
Oh...
Haha!
__
OK, let's go.
Before you do that...
Ah. Your car does it different, eh?
Yeah. OK.
We are so gonna die.
Mum, careful!
Oh, my God, Mum!
Wait, Mum!
Here!
I'm very good, no?
The best, Mrs Paracha.
I bet Miss can't wait to take you out again.
Today was a one-off.
But me and you got the connection now, eh?
We'll pass this test in no time.
Jordan?
Jordan!
Where's the money?
You know what happens
- when you don't give money over. - I got robbed. Wasn't my fault.
- Is he bothering you? - Jordan and me go way back.
- And you are? - A friend of the family.
And that's how you usually greet your friends, is it?
Jordan has something that belongs to me.
- I got robbed. I'm sorry, I, I... - Who by?
I don't know, I didn't see their faces.
Why? Were they wearing masks?
- Burqas. - He got robbed by my Auntie!
- Shut up! - Jordan, Zain! Right, Jordan, get to class.
You heard what he said.
Why don't you just take your car and get out of here?
Why was that man threatening you?
Why you getting involved with people like that for, anyway?
I mean, who is this guy?
You know, Jordan, if he ever touches you like that again,
you must come and tell us.
Can I just go?
Well, that went well.
Listen. About last night...
What happened last night?
Do you think those two women in niqabs saw us?
Who cares if they did?
We're just two friends saying bye. That's all.
Yeah. That's all it was.
So, how's this gonna work, then?
Well he's my boyfriend, Missy.
Yeah, but he's gay and you're...
Yeah, I know what I am, thanks.
So, when you get married,
you'll be able to cop off with who you like?
Here he is. Ackley's answer to Tom Daley.
Nasreen...
Missy, do you mind if you just give us a minute?
Who am I to stand in the way of true love, eh?
So... how do you want to do this?
Erm, I... I don't know.
I've never really done this before.
Well, we could hold hands...
- OK. - Or we could...
What?
Kiss.
You know, that way everyone would know, wouldn't they?
What, like, with tongues?
Maybe just move your mouth around a bit.
Right. OK.
- So we should do it now? - Yeah.
- Are you ready? OK. - Yeah.
That's disgusting.
EXCITED CHATTER
Oh, my God, what is she doing?
Oh, my God!
Overdoing it a bit aren't you?
- What? - That tongue sandwich before.
But I'm just letting people know that we are an actual couple.
You could have done every position in the Kama Sutra
- and I still wouldn't have bought it. - What are you trying to say?
That this is wrong, and you know it.
It's the easiest way for everyone.
It in't about everyone, though, is it?
It's about you. Is this what you really want?
OK. Well, I want an easy life,
but I'm gonna get that 'round here am I?
Come here.
DOOR KNOCKS
You all right?
WHISPERING: I can't have this in the house.
Well, I don't want it, do I?!
Lend us a tenner, will you, love?
Leccy's gone off again.
I'm skint.
Did you get any money for the ciggies, love?
We'll have to go halfsies on a roll-up.
I love it when you talk dirty to me.
SHE SQUEALS
THEY LAUGH
Oh, here she is!
All ready for her mocks.
- You go and make your mum proud, do you hear? - Yeah.
What about me?
Don't worry, love.
- DOOR OPENS - There's more to life than exams.
Kaneez! SHE SIGHS
I tell you, girls, you can do anything if you put your mind to it.
You thought about slowing down, Mrs Paracha?
It's like the S Club 7 say, "Reach for the stars", eh?
And you'll be good to remember that, Missy, eh, in that exam.
Cos let's face the fact,
if you repeat this year again,
you're going to be in the same class as Saleem.
SALEEM: Huh?
- Watch out, Mum! - PEOPLE SCREAMING
I'm a very good student, no?
Mum!
EMMA: Watch out!
PEOPLE CLAMOURING
Mr Hyatt! Are you all right?!
- Are you bloody stupid?! - Me?!
You want to go to the Specsavers and get those eyes tested.
Says the woman driving like Mr Magoo!
Don't use that language with me!
That bike's like a bloody a death trap.
Come on, Mrs Paracha. Let's get you inside.
Give me the keys, I'll park.
Get his details, make sure he pays for the damage.
Stupid man.
Morning, Mrs Paracha.
Oh, hello, Naveed.
Er, my mum was wandering if you two could get together
and start making arrangements about the engagement.
How about tomorrow? I can make kebabs.
Mum, can we talk about this?
It's good for us all to get to know each other.
Make it seven, give me time to put the hoover round. OK.
Here he is, the man who managed to tame Nasreen Paracha.
WHISPERING: So, come on then, man.
Has she put out or not?
Don't be shy. We won't say owt.
- Yeah! - THEY LAUGH AND CHEER
ALL: Hey!
ALL SPEAK
So, I'm sure you're all aware, year seven applications are down...
60 places, to be precise...
which leaves us with a shortfall of 300,000.
And I want those numbers back,
and that begins and ends with me and you.
Are you going to see her again?
What do you think? I've got the full package, mate.
Who does he think he is, Mr Motivator?
Don't ask me. I'm just the lodger.
I was starting to think you were avoiding me.
Could everybody take their seats, please?
I had a great time the other night.
(SHE SIGHS) Quickly, please.
We should do it again some time.
Your time starts now.
STOPWATCH BEEPS
HE FARTS
BREATHES NERVOUSLY
Take your seats please, thank you, quickly.
- I'm Mr Hyatt. - STUDENTS CHATTERING
I'm the one who's being paid a pitiful amount
to get you through your A-levels.
Yes, that's right, it's a potato!
Yes! Just when you thought biology couldn't get any more exciting!
Now, if you will all take your safety goggles
and put them on, please.
On with your safety goggles.
Now...
Let's start with the intricate dissection, shall we?
LAUGHTER
I'm sure you will all remember that osmosis...
Here, sir, I don't have a potato.
- Here, Miss, I'll get you a potato. - THEY LAUGH
Erm, I'll be back in one minute.
Behave yourselves.
It's her mum I feel sorry for.
As if it's not humiliating enough that she kicked out her husband...
she's got a slapper for a daughter now.
Excuse me.
What did you just say?
There's no denying it, is there?
It's all around the school.
TALKING STOPS
What is?
SHE CHUCKLES
That you two are sleeping together.
Go on, is it true?
I tell you what, Alya, it is NONE of your business what I do!
So much for respecting yourself, eh?
- At least my dad keeps it in his pants. - Cow!
Get off me!
ALL SHOUTING
NAVEED: Stop, stop, stop!
Stop it! (SLAMS TABLE)
It seems the prospect of dissecting a potato
has got everyone a little overexcited.
- She started it! - And I'm finishing it. Off to isolation,
- the pair of you. Go! Now! - ALYA ANGRILY GROANS
HYATT MOCKINGLY GROANS
BREATHING NERVOUSLY
Missy?
What have you been saying about us?
I thought that's what we wanted.
It is, but...
... this is not Fifty Shades of Pakistani!
But it's all right for you. Lads can get away
with saying stuff like that, but I am the one being called a slapper!
I'm really sorry. Please, Nasreen,
don't finish with me. I need this.
We both do, Naveed.
But it's not a game, this is real,
and it's going to be our life from now on.
You're not going to finish with me, are you?
Like I've got a choice.
Hey!
What's up?
I messed up.
Oh, Missy.
Do you know what? Come on, let's get out of here.
Yeah? Come on.
Look, it was one exam, Missy.
You're all right, you've got options.
I might as well drop my CV off at the chicken shop
and be done with it.
NASREEN SCOFFS
Do you know what? I would give anything to be you right now.
Says the girl who's got a future...
university, her pick of jobs.
Yeah.
But I can never have what I want, can I?
Not in this town.
So we'll move away.
And live on what?
Oh!
Missy, that's Jordan Wilson's money.
Er, no, it's not. It's some grubby dealer's,
who's going to end up peddling more of his crap.
What?
Don't look. Don't...
Don't look.
He works for that dealer, don't he?
Yeah.
Wha... ? Where are you going?
Let's just style it out, all right?
Style it out?
Run!
Nasreen!
How does he know my name?!
Oh, my God, Missy! He's going to kill us, go!
Oh, my God! Who... ?!
Who, who are you?! What do you want?!
Look, I'm erm...
HE PANTS
You're Nasreen, right?
- Yeah? - Right, yeah, Nasreen Paracha?
What do you want?
Iqbal Paracha, he's your dad, right?
What is this, Mastermind?
Do you know what? I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come here.
Nas?
No, no, no, wait! Can you come back?!
Please, please, please, come back!
Has something happened to my dad?
No... No, no, it's not that.
He's all right. He's fine.
OK, then, w... w... what is it?
Have you seen him? Is he back from Pakistan?
Who are you?
He's in Bradford...
your dad... he's not in Pakistan.
22 Shipton Avenue, Bradford, that's where he lives
and he lives there with my mum and my sister.
Look, I can take you there, if you like. It's...
Look...
I'm, erm...
I'm your brother.
- Look, I know it's a shock. - It was for me, too... No, no, no, no!
Huh. They say Pakistani women can't drive.
Hashtag Fake News!
Hashtag fake marriage.
Hers and yours.
If it's true, the...
It can't be true, can it?
Come on.
I'm gonna have to pull all low achievers out of non-core subjects.
You can't do that!
7%. Seven!
That is our current pass rate for English and maths mock exams.
Yeah. So all those who said merging two schools was a bad idea,
we've gone and proved them right, haven't we?
What if they're not good at the core subjects?
What about their self-esteem?
Their focus needs to be on English, maths, and science
if they have any chance of leaving this school
with a decent set of grades.
Emma's right. You're setting these kids up to fail.
It is not up for discussion, Mr Qureshi.
Letters will be going out this afternoon explaining my decision.
Mand, you can't...
- Emm, Emm, just leave it. Just leave it. - No, Steve.
She's taking away the one thing that they're good at...
It's not her final decision, is it? It's the board's.
What's wrong with her?
You shouldn't have to bear the brunt of all this.
It's my job, isn't it?
No one'd blame you if you wanted to throw in the towel.
With your experience, you could have the pick of schools.
I'd make sure you had a good reference.
Think about it.
But drama's the only thing I'm...
Is this a wind-up, Miss? I can't do no more drama?
If you've got a problem with it,
you need to take it up with Miss Carter.
It's a violation of our human rights.
- Well, hardly. - You can shut your mouth.
I don't know why you're kicking off.
You're the one who walked out of your exam.
- Enough, Chloe. - Miss Carter's a joke.
- Well, you know where Miss Carter's office is. - Are you serious?
I can't defend something I don't believe in.
I'm not having this. Let's go.
Er, Chloe.
Chloe?
You and Jordan? You're not... ?
You're joking. He's been in young offenders'.
I have some standards.
I have to know, Missy. Can you come with me?
Why aren't you with everyone else?
No point. I'll be dead by time exams start.
- That's not funny. - I'm not joking.
If I don't get Khadim his money, he's gonna kill me.
I know it's not much, but...
- I've got to go. - Wait.
See you later.
What? What are you doing? You can't just walk in here.
- Shouldn't have took me out of dance, should you? - Whoa, whoa, whoa!
First and foremost, what are you lot playing at?
Can't do no more graphics, sir.
Right.
Well, maybe if you'd got your head down,
we wouldn't be in this situation now, would we?
It's all right, Mr Bell. I can handle this.
What you guys need to remember is that it's the core subjects
that you're gonna be judged on when you leave this place.
See, now you're just making excuses.
All you're worried about is your stupid league tables.
Easy, easy, Mo. You don't even know what a league table is.
Miss Keane's right.
You don't care about us.
Miss Keane?
What?
What are you doing?
We're staging a protest, sir.
Is it?
Yeah.
Well, fine, then.
If that's the way you want to play it.
Um, Mr Bell, shall we...
Yeah, we should, um, we should go.
Where are you going?
Just one thing before I go.
- Zain? - Yeah?
You know that graphic design course you want to do at college?
Yeah.
What exams do you need for that?
Oh, English and maths, Miss.
What about your sports diploma, Mo?
Same.
When the cleaner comes, get her to empty the bin.
- Where's she going? - That didn't work, did it?
Are you sure about this?
- Hey. - Bye-bye. Come on.
Quickly, back to class. Choppity chop chop.
Come on. Lively.
Phew.
What are you doing tonight?
Tonight?
I've, er, promised my landlord a game of FIFA, haven't I?
Oh, well.
Good luck, then.
Have a good one.
Yeah, you too.
Who's that at the window, Mam?
- I'll go. - No, no, no, I'll go.
Do you wanna come in, love?
No. No, I don't. I think I've seen all I need to now.
How long?
How long, Dad?
Since before you were born, love.
- Amy, Amy! - Daddy!
Nas! I want you to listen to me!
Why don't you go after her? Don't leave it like this.
If you've come to tell me off, call me
ill-disciplined, irresponsible, bad influence...
That's why you got the job.
Isn't it? What's wrong?
Why's something got to be wrong?
Because the bolshy, pain in the neck,
totally committed nutjob that I hired would never sit back
and let a bunch of kids fight her battles for her.
How long did they last?
- Till the bell. - Lightweights.
So?
Talk to me.
I'm your friend.
Are you?
Cos you're not too bothered about friendship
when you're riding roughshod over everything I work towards.
That's not what I meant.
Well, you can't just take your pick, you know.
Friend one minute, employee the next.
Fine. Right, well at the moment I'm concerned about your attitude
and your erratic behaviour towards me and the school that I'm running.
"Running?" Well, that's open for debate.
- Let's talk about that, shall we? - Let's not!
Cos I won't have my decisions challenged by you or anyone else.
I mean, if you feel that you can't accept them, Emma,
if that's what... Emma, if that's... Emma... ?
So are you going to tell your mum?
Oh, my God. How am I gonna tell her that, Missy?
It's going to break her heart.
What are you gonna do?
I don't know. I don't know.
I really don't know.
I love you, Nasreen Paracha.
Where the bloody hell have you been?
Out with Missy.
- Why? - Come on.
Here she is.
Your mother tells us you've been at the library.
Beauty and brains.
You've chosen well, son.
Always got her head stuck in a book, this girl.
Naveed's the same. He's practically glued to that laptop.
He's never been that confident with girls, see.
- Not like his dad, eh? - He was always such a sensitive child.
That's until he took up ice skating.
Still, we don't have to worry about that now.
Tonight, my son becomes a man.
- And I'd like to welcome you all to my family. - Thank you.
And I'll second that.
I thought that was you!
Oh, I've just got some papers that I need to drop off for Sami.
Then come in. I'll put the kettle on.
Right...
He's been in a right mood since the wedding.
Well, I'm sure she doesn't want to hear about all this.
Is that the time? I've got to go and pick up Chloe.
Not so fast.
I want to know about you and that PE teacher.
You gave my Auntie Jamila quite a shock, I can tell you.
What, you and Will? He's a bit young for you, isn't he?
Ignore him.
There's nothing wrong with a toy boy, is there?
I've really got to go.
Thanks again for the tea.
Bye.
Bye!
What is he doing here?
I don't bloody know.
He just turned up, didn't he?
When she was just one year old...
Mum, I need to talk to you.
- I'm just going to show some photographs. - Now, please, Mum.
Excuse me.
If you'll, er, excuse me.
What's going on, huh?
Has he told you where I was today?
Now isn't the time, love.
Mum, Dad's got another family.
I met them today.
Now, that's enough.
Turns out he's got a wife, he's got kids. They all live in Bradford.
Go on, tell her.
I'm so sorry, Mum.
Mum? Did you hear what I just said?
He's been lying to us this whole time.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, you knew, didn't you?
Oh, my God.
- Nasreen... - No, you get off me!
Is everything all right?
You made me do this when the whole time, you knew about Dad!
Um, I'm really sorry. You, you have to go.
Not so fast, young lady. We've got an engagement to plan!
Well, the engagement's off.
- I don't understand. - Well, let me spell it out to you, OK?
I don't want to marry your son. OK?
I'm so sorry.
DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS
CAR HORN
- Oh, that's Miss Keane. - Well, we're walking.
KNOCK ON DOOR
Peace offering.
I've brought a salad in, so...
And it cost more than a fiver.
Oh, well, if you've splashed out.
Ooh, yeah! That was worth a fiver.
- Thank God for that. - I'm going to throw that salad in the bin.
THEY LAUGH
I just really care about those kids.
- What, and you think I don't? - Look at Missy.
Drama's probably the only chance she stands of getting a good grade.
And where's that going to get her in the future, eh?
What do you think this is, Emma? Me just trying to save face?
- Well, in't it? - No! No.
I'm trying to keep this school open.
I mean, that's assuming you still want a job next term.
- Not interrupting, am I? - Erm, no.
I think we're done here.
Busy, then?
I assumed YOU would be the busy one,
trying to stop your factory from closing down.
The mattress business is in rude health.
I'm sure that's great comfort to all the people you've laid off.
- I had a little think about your offer. - And?
I hate to break it to you, Sadiq. But I'm not going anywhere.
Do you fancy a drink after work?
It's, er, two-for-one on Jagerbombs.
I can't. I'm sorry.
Did you not enjoy...
... the other night?
You want the truth?
I can't even remember it.
I was that drunk I blotted it out.
Listen, if you're worried about people at work finding out...
What is it with you? Them stupid shorts cut off the blood supply
to your brain or something?
SHE SIGHS
I didn't know you did home visits.
I don't know.
It were stupid, I...
It won't happen again.
What you doing here?
I don't know.
I thought I'd borrow a book.
Well, don't do it again.
BELL RINGS
Cheese and pickle. It's good for the brain, eh?
How long have you known?
A couple of months after we get married,
your father say he has work in Pakistan.
Wait, so... he was WITH her?
And then one day I get a phone call from Auntie Fatima,
and she has seen them in the Woolworths.
Why didn't you leave him?
How could I? I was just a young girl from Pakistan.
Your father was all I knew.
I tried to be good wife...
- You were, Mum! - But I wasn't enough for him, was I? Hmm?
Men have choices.
And we just have to do what we're told.
I don't like it either, but that's just the way it is.
I want you to have the happy life.
Then let me be with someone that I love.
It is going to be so hard for you.
I know, Mum. I know.
But I'm not you.
The engagement's off.
You wait. We're going to find you the fittest girl in Ackley Bridge.
- After me, of course. - Of course.
All we need to do now is sort out what to do with this cash.
Oh, actually, I've been thinking about that.
- Well, half this town's broke, in't it? - So?
So how about we give a bit back?
- Are you sure about this? - Trust me.
SHOUTING
CLAMOURING
That's all I've got.
Let's call it interest.
Interest?
40 quid a day till the debt's paid.
Nas.
Missy!
Do you reckon when you're some high-flyer with a flash job,
we'll still be mates?
Of course we will!
Even if I'm in the chicken shop?
Listen, don't knock it. You might get free chips.
Or you could try and pass your GCSEs
and, you know, make something of your life.
I suppose.
Yeah.
Right, that's settled, then, yeah?
Right? All we need to do now is find me a girlfriend.
- THEY LAUGH - Whoo!
Oh, my God!
Miss Keane was snogging Mr Qureshi!
THEY LAUGH
- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -