[ Telephone rings ]
[ Ringing continues ]
- Hello. - [ Static hisses ]
[ Echoes ] Hello?
MAN: Patrick?
Hello, Patrick, is that you?
PATRICK: Nicholas?
Patrick, I'm afraid I have rather bad news.
- [ Static continues ] - Hello?
Hello, Patrick, can you hear me?
I'm in New York.
There appears to be a delay.
- Can you hear me? - Yes.
I-It concerns your father.
I can hear you. I'm here.
Your father died the night before last, in his hotel room.
It must come as an awful shock to you.
Something like that, yes.
NICHOLAS: I hardly need to tell you how I feel.
I adored your father. Everybody liked him.
I know he wasn't always the easiest of men.
Are you there, Patrick?
Yes, I'm here. Where is he now?
David?
He's at Frank E. MacDonald's, the funeral people on Madison.
Everyone goes there.
"Only the best or go without," as your father would have said.
If you want to see him and collect the ashes...
- Do you have much on? - Not at this exact moment, no.
NICHOLAS: Then we must meet up.
Why don't we meet at the Key Club?
George Watford's here.
We'll raise a glass to your father's extraordinary life.
Well, until then,
I-I'm sorry to be the bearer of such sad tidings.
Yes, it's...
...a great blow.
Goodbye.
[ Sighs ]
[ Chuckles ]
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la-la, la ♪
♪ Now that I've lost everything to you ♪
♪ You say you want to start something new ♪
♪ And it's breaking my heart you're leaving ♪
♪ Baby, I'm grieving ♪
♪ But if you want to leave, take good care ♪
♪ Hope you have a lot of nice things to wear ♪
♪ But then a lot of nice things turn bad out there ♪
♪ Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world ♪
♪ It's hard to get by just upon a smile ♪
Old bastard's only gone and died.
♪ Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world ♪
♪ And I'll always remember you like a child, girl ♪
How did he die?
I forgot to ask. I was too dizzy with glee.
I'm sorry, I mean dazed with grief.
Mm-hmm.
I wonder, could you please stop fiddling with my hair?
[ Sighs ] I need a drink.
A serious drink.
Let's celebrate.
We could go out for a glass of wine.
Or... You're probably not interested,
but we have been invited
to Gregory and Rebecca's for dinner.
"Suffering's what takes place when other people are eating."
Who said that? I'm sorry.
I'm feeling a bit mad at the moment.
It was a complicated relationship.
There's a lot to think about.
Yes, I'm not sure the heroin's helping either.
Do you think that was a good idea?
Of course it wasn't a good idea!
I merely meant that perhaps
this might be a good time to make a change,
start afresh.
Well, I'd better leave before you start to tell me
to seize the fucking day.
Do you think, now that he's dead,
that you could be a little less like him?
Unlikely. I'll merely have to do the work of two.
[ Sighs ]
Debbie, I'm sorry. I'm not fit for human company.
Don't go. Stay.
- Come back to bed. - I can't.
You know, I heard it said somewhere
that grief was meant to be an aphrodisiac.
Do you think that might be true?
Ha! You wish.
How's your mother taking it?
She's working with Save the Children in Chad.
No one can break the news.
- Always thinking of others. - Indeed.
- What's that? - Valium.
That's more like it.
By the way, I think I'm going to give up drugs.
- [ Laughs ] - You don't think I can?
- I'm a little skeptical. - I've done it before.
Exactly! What's so different this time?
You're hardly the rehab type.
And besides, you like it too much.
Addicts don't give up until they hit rock bottom,
and you never will.
- You're too upholstered. - Well, you're wrong.
I'm gonna get it right this time.
Well, good for you, Patrick!
Cocaine and heroin at least.
Don't want to run before I can walk.
To which end, have you got any more Valium?
- Help me wean myself off. - Sorry, last one.
[ Sighs ]
Please don't take this the wrong way,
but does this mean you're now fantastically rich?
No. My mummy's the one with all the money,
and she's very healthy.
PATRICK: "And the sun shone, having no alternative."
Well, it's time to seize the fucking day.
Goodbye.
And goodbye.
And goodbye, heroin, my old friend.
People make far too big a deal about getting clean.
On the other hand, air travel can be very stressful.
[ Mid-tempo music playing ]
- Well, good luck. - Hmm.
Don't score off the streets.
I'm not going to score off anywhere.
Seriously, Johnny.
Look, you must do whatever you want,
but if I'm to take control of my life, it has to be now.
This is one of the most important things
to have ever happened to me,
and I want to get it absolutely right.
I wish I had your determination.
Thank you for the lift.
As on so many other occasions,
I wouldn't have made it without you.
It's a pleasure. I'll see you back here in two days' time
a new man.
An entirely new man.
[ Airplane engine whines ]
[ Airplane tires screech ]
WOMAN ON P.A.: Will all passengers recently arrived
from London Heathrow
please make your way to the baggage claim...
[ Siren wails in distance ]
"Dead, long dead.
Long dead! And my heart is a handful of dust."
And something... something else.
Oh, for Christ's sake, cheer up.
Think happy thoughts.
Remember why you're here.
You're here to collect your father's corpse.
[ Groans ]
Mm, Valium's wearing off.
Feeling just a little twitchy now.
Hold on.
Just hold on.
[ Horns blaring ]
Queasy, nervous, maggots under the skin,
a litter of drowning kittens in my stomach.
Fuck off!
Look, can you take another route?
I really, really need to get to my hotel.
[ Horns honking ]
Here.
Mr. Melrose! Good to see you again.
Your usual suite is ready.
And a message for you.
Always eloquent.
Could you please send up a bottle of whiskey
and a very great deal of ice immediately?
- [ Loud ding ] - Of course.
BELLBOY: This is the lift. Here are the buttons.
You're on the 33rd floor.
33!
Christ, talk about temptation.
Beg pardon, sir?
Oh, nothing. Just talking to myself.
[ Elevator bell dings ]
This is the hallway.
Here is your room. 3318.
This is your key.
It works!
Here we go. You know the drill.
Another withdrawal in a foreign hotel room.
Bathroom light.
Here's your TV. Turn it on here.
And this is how you change channels.
Yes, I have used a television before.
Paranoia, cramps, suicidal thoughts.
Thank you.
Still, at least it's the last time.
Or among the last times.
Not this time. This time it's different.
No prisoners.
Concentration like a flamethrower.
New day, new beginning.
The trick is not to think about it.
How can you not think about it?
It's like not wanting to get out of a wheelchair
when the room's on fire.
Oh, God.
[ Groans ]
[ American accent ] For the best heroin in town,
simply call Pierre, 555-1726.
That's Pierre, 555-1726.
Don't think about it.
[ As Nanny ] Patrick!
Yes, Nanny?
What you need, young man,
is a nice walk in the park.
[ Exhales sharply ]
No smack, though!
I want to make that absolutely clear.
No, Nanny. No smack, I swear.
- Got any quaaludes? - Sure, I got quaaludes.
Lemmon 714s, $5 each.
[ Normal voice ] Well, I can hardly be expected
to give up everything at once, can I?
I'll take, uh, five.
No, six. What about speed?
Why the hell are you buying speed? Are you mad?
Yo. I got some Black Beauties, man.
- They're pharmaceutical. - Meaning you made them yourself?
- Meaning they're good. - Do not buy any speed.
Give me three. Impulse buy.
- Ooh, you're British, right? - That's right.
Ain't you hot in that coat?
I heard they give you free heroin there.
- Don't bother the man. - Well, not exactly free.
Take your coat off, man. You sweating.
Want to buy some smack, British guy?
I got cocaine too. It's real good shit.
- Yo, I said don't bother him. - [ Sniffs ]
I don't doubt it, but I've given that up.
Yo, man, you need some water, man.
- I'm not an amateur. - Uh-huh.
Yo, you come back here tomorrow.
Can I help you, sir?
Yes, I've come to see the corpse.
[ Coughs ]
Sorry, can I have a glass of water? I [Coughs]
A large pill stuck in my...
[ Coughs ]
Not enough saliva.
[ Gulps ] Ah!
[ Inhales sharply ] Ahh.
Now... [ Clears throat ]
I've come to see the corpse of David Melrose.
[ Elevator bell dings ]
You'll find Mr. Melrose at the end of the corridor.
DAVID: Patrick! Come here! Right now!
[ Softly ] Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars...
...Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus.
[ Indistinct talking and up-tempo music playing ]
Martini, sir?
What? Uh, no, thank you.
Mojito? Mint julep? Old-fashioned?
Oh! How did you know Herman?
I can't fucking believe it!
Oh!
Whoa, there!
Wrong fucking corpse!
Oh. Are you sure?
Death transforms us all, but it's not so powerful
as to turn my father into a small Jew.
Try again.
Uh, but we don't have another party in the building.
I don't want to go to a party. I want to see David Melrose!
- This is the correct room. - Thank you.
- And please apologize to... - No, no, no.
It's an emotional time.
Yes, yes, that's why I took a quaalude,
but it must have been a dud.
- Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. - Can I pick him up later?
I would really like to
get away from New York if at all possible.
Your father's ashes will be available tomorrow afternoon.
I see. No chance of a rush job?
I-I'll leave you alone with him.
Come on, come on, come on, come on.
Get this right.
Is it...
Is it Dad?
It is!
It's just what I wanted! You shouldn't have!
Fucking hell, Dad. What are you doing in a coffin?
What happened here?
You didn't want to go, did you?
You knew you were going to die, and you were right.
What did that feel like?
Pain or rage?
Were you scared?
Christ, I hope so.
[ Breathing heavily ]
No. No.
No, no, no!
[ Groans ]
[ Grunting ]
Fuck.
[ Inhaling, exhaling sharply ]
[ American accent ] Oh, you were so fucking sad, Dad, man,
and now you're trying to make me sad too.
Boo-hoo. [ Sniffs ] [ Normal voice ] Well, bad luck.
[ Door slams ]
[ Horns blaring ]
WOMAN: Hello, Patrick.
What's up?
You're shaking.
What is it, Patrick?
What about your mother? Do you want to tell your mother?
Okay, I'll be right back.
I promise.
[ Slurps ]
- [ Gulps ] - WOMAN: Well, that looks fun.
[ Groans ] Uh! Antibiotics.
- Patrick. - Hi.
- I am so sorry. - I'm sorry too.
Punctuality is one of the smaller vices
I've inherited from my father.
I think you know that's not what I meant.
- Oh, tea, please. Earl Grey. - Uh-huh.
- Another of these? - Certainly.
For me, it's 9:00.
For you, it's always 9:00.
Oh, what the hell. A martini for me too, please.
- So have you been to the... - The mortuary?
Yes, yes. The best I've ever seen him.
Well, I don't want to disillusion you,
but when they give you the ashes,
they're really just the communal rakings
from the bottom of the oven.
That's good news.
Ideally they'd all belong to someone else.
When I was young, he used to take us to restaurants.
I say restaurants in the plural
because we never stormed in and out of less than three.
I remember one occasion he held a bottle of claret upside down,
as the contents gurgle out onto the carpet...
"How dare you bring me this filth?"
Well, at least he's somewhere he can't complain about.
I half expected him to sit upright in the coffin
like a vampire at sunset.
"Call this a coffin?
The service here is intolerable!"
Mind you, the service was intolerable.
They sent me to the wrong corpse.
- The wrong corpse? - Yes.
Ironic that my father's remains were so hard to find,
when I have no trouble discovering them in myself.
It's good to see you, Anne.
I did need to see a friendly face.
Well, he was a complicated man, which is why I was
[Voice distorts] so keen to talk to you today.
PATRICK: Here come the quaaludes.
Patrick, are you okay?
Jet lag kicking in-in.
- You want to go lie down? - No, let's not exaggerate.
Just a little sleepy.
The antibiotics.
Excuse me.
[ Thud ]
[ Groaning ]
[ Grunts ]
[ Squeaking on wall ]
[ Groans ]
- RECEPTIONIST: Mr. Melrose. - Hah.
- All good? - Mm.
[ Mumbling ] Very jet-lagged.
Oh, fuck.
[ Snorting ]
[ Sniffs ] Blblbl!
[ Toilet flushes ]
That'll fool them! [ Laughs ]
- Whew! - Oh, good God.
- What happened to you in there? - Splashed my face with water!
- What kind of water? - Very refreshing water.
Patrick, please sit down. You're making me nervous.
Yes, yes, people say this.
Patrick, I really wanted to apologize.
When I found you on the stairs...
No, no, not this.
...I promised I'd get your mother.
Retreat, escape, eject, eject!
I promise you, I've forgotten all about it.
- Where is our waiter? - You seemed in distress.
You always did. Your mother too.
There was such an atmosphere in that house.
And I should've done more.
[ Exhales sharply ] I'm sorry.
I-I really... I really have to go.
What? We've barely...
I've got to be at the solicitor's by 5:00.
- Papers to sign. - Really? But we've only just...
Maddening, isn't it? But, you know, bureaucracy.
There's only so much I can do, so, uh...
Look, I am grateful.
You were always very kind to me,
ever since I was young, and... and I'm very grateful.
But I-I really...
I really must be going now.
Bye. Bye!
[ Up-tempo classical music plays ]
Ahh! We've taken Aqaba!
WAITER: Sir?
I'll have another of your very refreshing martinis
and some salmon tartare followed by some steak tartare.
Tartare tartare.
Spicy, very spicy. And your wine list.
[ As Nanny ] Good boy, Patrick. Get something solid inside you.
- Do be quiet, Nanny. - Will someone be joining you?
Fucking hell, I hope not.
Only the best or go without.
PATRICK: Mmm! You see? That still works.
Everything is under control.
Very good, thank you.
- But it's not heroin. - Shh!
Mmm!
Most people withdrawing from heroin, high on speed,
cudgeled by quaaludes and jet lag
might balk at the idea of food, but not I.
I eat not from greed but from passion!
Do shut up, will you?
- Not you. Someone else. - Would sir care for a dessert?
Care for it? How do you care for a dessert?
Feed it? Visit it on Sundays?
I'll have a crème brûlée and a marc de Bourgogne.
But it's still not heroin, is it?
Heroin's the cavalry, the missing chair leg.
Heroin is love.
[ American accent ] Simply call 555-1726!
Shut up!
- Everything okay, sir? - You keep asking that.
But how can everything be okay?
It's simply too much to hope for.
Because there have been some complaints.
You mean the voices aren't just in my head?
Fuck.
Perhaps I ought to get the, um...
[ Laughs ] Don't suppose I could trouble you
for a quarter for the telephone?
Here's the deal...
If he answers, score just enough smack to sleep
and a little for the morning... that's all.
And if he doesn't answer, no smack at all.
Leave it to fate.
Good idea.
555-1726.
- [ Line ringing ] - [ Exhales slowly ]
[ Groans ] Ohh!
- [ Beep ] - This is Pierre.
I can't come to the phone right now...
Fuck you, fate!
Fuck, fuck. Fuck, fucking fate, fuck, fuck!
[ Groans ]
[ Breathing heavily ]
Oh, God.
Okay, man, we're here.
- This some bad place, you know? - That's what I'm relying on.
Uh, just wait here for me, will you?
Crazy man. I'm not waiting here.
[ Tires screech, car departs ]
Oh, fuck.
[ Indistinct talking, siren wails in distance ]
What do you want, man? What you looking for?
Smack.
Shit. You a policeman?
Certainly not. I'm an Englishman.
Can you take me to Loretta's?
Sure, I can take you to Loretta's.
This way.
You want it, don't you?
[ Man shouts indistinctly ]
Don't stick him! Don't stick him!
Don't stick him! Don't stick him! Don't stick him!
Don't stick him!
- [ Laughs ] He... He's my man. - Hello, Chilly!
I didn't know you knew Chilly.
Yeah, well, i-it's a small world.
Were you really going to stab me?
Sure, I was gonna stab you.
- Yeah. - [ Clicks ]
My name's Mark.
Well, thank you, Mark, for not stabbing me.
[ Chuckles ]
Where you been, Patrick?
Oh, here and there.
[ Laughs ]
- Can you take me to Loretta's? - Yeah, it's... no.
It's this way.
Oh, man, you look good!
- PATRICK: I don't feel good. - [ Laughs ]
- WOMAN: Who is it? - Chilly Willy.
- How much you want? - 50.
- Oh! - 60.
So how's Mrs. Willy, Chilly? Is she well?
Here.
Hey, baby, baby, baby.
[ Laughs ] Look what I got!
[ Laughs ]
You've done something to the room.
It's different. What's different?
It got on fire.
Knew there was something.
Chilly says you might have a new syringe.
Well, it ain't exactly new, but I've boiled it and everything.
Is it very blunt?
Christ, that's not a syringe, it's a bicycle pump.
No, all right, all right. Um...
- [ Clears throat ] How much? - Two bags.
Could I possibly use your bathroom?
- [ Electricity crackling ] - Come on.
Come on.
- [ Water splashes ] - Shit. Fuck!
[ Grunts ]
[ Groans ]
[ Inhales sharply ]
- [ Electricity zaps ] - Oww!
For fuck's sake!
Might I suggest, Chilly, that you invest in a new light bulb?
Hardly worth the effort. I missed the vein.
You...
...should have used the flashlight.
Well, thanks for telling me.
I need better works, Chilly.
Chilly.
Chilly!
Oh, fuck.
Right, then, let's do this properly.
Only the best or go without.
Colombian cocaine and then China White.
Come on, Pierre. Just be there, will you?
555-1726.
[ Line ringing ]
[ Sniffs ]
PIERRE: [ French accent ] Hello?
Pierre? Is that really you?
- Who is this? - Patrick from London.
I'm having trouble sleeping.
- 20 minutes. - [ Click, dial tone ]
- Ca va? - It's a nightmare out there.
So...
What was he like?
PATRICK: My father?
Oh, he was a kitten. A prince among men.
He had very artistic hands.
Could have been prime minister.
He was a politician?
No, no, no. Sort of joke.
In his world, it was better
if you could have been prime minister,
or a surgeon or a concert pianist.
To have tried and actually achieved something
would have shown vulgar ambition.
PIERRE: Tu regrettes qu'il est mort?
I regret he lived.
Mais sans lui, you wouldn't exist.
One mustn't be too egotistical about these things.
PATRICK: Now for the cocaine.
I had been trying to give this up.
[ Exhales slowly ]
[ Gasping ]
- PIERRE: Now... - Oh, God.
...take the heroin.
PATRICK: Oh, God. Oh, God.
[ Panting ]
[ Grunts ]
Naturally I have dined in Les Bains, Les Baux,
but I've also dined in Quito and Khartoum.
And when the ferocious Yanomami
offered me a dish of human flesh,
I did not allow prudishness
to prevent me from requesting a third portion.
Indeed, I did not, sir.
Human flesh? I ask you, what next? Hm!
You always were a strange boy.
Tonight's special includes a frisson of
sodium-free Colombian cocaine
nestling on a bed of wild baby Chinese White Heroin...
♪ Ooh, you're Canada Dry ♪
Tell you about the aristocracy and their filthy ways.
Don't, don't think about it. What filthy ways?
You won't find Nanny telling tales out of school.
My lips are sealed.
But, oh, the stories I could tell you!
Please, please, please make it stop!
[ Pounding ]
[ Inhales deeply ]
[ Exhales slowly ]
Now, I want you to listen to the silence.
Can you hear it? Become part of the silence.
Good. Now I want you to visualize a pagoda.
Can you see it? Beautiful, isn't it?
Yes, yes, Ron, it is. It's beautiful.
Now I want you to step into it, Patrick.
Um, is there something in there?
Yes, Patrick. Your mom and dad.
M-Mom and dad?
I want you to go up to your mother,
and I want you to say to her, "I love you, Mummy."
Mum, I-I really love you.
That's good. Now embrace her.
Feels good, doesn't it?
Yes, it feels so good.
Now I want you to go up to your father and say,
"You, on the other hand, I cannot forgive."
You, on the other hand, I cannot forgive. Fuck off.
Good. Now take a revolver and shoot his fucking brains out.
- Bang, bang, bang, bang! - [ Gunfire ]
If you ever tell your mother
or anyone else about today,
I will snap you in two!
Fuck off! All of you!
So take the heroin, then. Take it now.
[ Gasps ]
[ Telephone rings ]
[ Ringing continues ]
[ Line clicks ]
WOMAN: Hello?
Hello, Patrick?
PATRICK: Mother?
Um...
Can you hear me?
Patrick, I heard the news.
I don't know what to say.
Mother?
Hello?
Hello? It's me!
[ Exhales sharply ] Fuck.
- You sound sleepy. - [ Groans ]
Are you sleeping? Have I woken you up?
Oh, I'm so sorry, sorry, sorry.
[ Exhales sharply ]
It's 5:30 in the morning.
Well, I thought, with the jet lag,
you'd be pacing the room.
Are you at the hotel?
Given that you've phoned me here...
I merely meant, I have been up all night worrying about you
and wanted to know how you are.
You mean, have I taken any drugs?
No, not just that. Why? Have you?
Well, I've been shooting cocaine and heroin all night.
- Does that count? - Was that a good idea?
In the future, can we agree that, no, it is not a good idea?
I thought...
I really thought you'd be able to make a change.
Yeah, me too. But apparently that's not an option.
DEBBIE: You shouldn't be alone.
I have arranged for you to have dinner with someone.
No, Debbie, this is not one of your dinner parties.
This is a very emotional time.
I'm not in a fit state to see anyone.
You need to be with people who care about you,
and I've already fixed it with Marianne.
- Marianne? - My old university friend.
You passed out in her loo. They had to take the doors off.
- Remember? - Oh, that Marianne.
She'd love to see you. Any time after 7:30.
I've faxed you the address.
I've got drinks with my father's awful friends,
but I'll... I'll see whether I'm up to it later.
- [ Line clicks ] - Remember, I... I do love you.
- [ Dial tone ] - Patrick?
Patrick?
♪ Video killed the radio star ♪
- ♪ In my mind and in my car ♪ - Marianne, Marianne, Marianne.
♪ We can't rewind, we've gone too far ♪
MARIANNE: Hi, Patrick. It's so nice to see you.
It's so wonderful to talk to someone who understands.
No ice? This is intolerable!
Everything's wrong. Everything's hopelessly fucked up!
- [ Grunts ] - [ Clatters ]
Ice! Must have more of your delicious ice, por favor!
Room 3318.
♪ Another Sunday night ♪
♪ It's funny how their missus always look the bleeding same ♪
Shit.
♪ There's a couple of likely lads ♪
♪ Who swear like, "How's your father?" ♪
Shit.
♪ They're cool for cats ♪
♪ Cool for cats ♪
♪ To change the mood a little ♪
Aaah!
♪ On seeing my reflection, I'm looking slightly rough ♪
♪ I fancy this, I fancy that, I want to be so flash ♪
MAN: And still remain razor-sharp.
What's more, it's a knife that will last forever.
How much would you pay for a knife like this?
Before you answer, listen...
It even comes with a matching fork
to make carving a pleasure.
Wait, there's much, much more.
We also want you to have this six-in-one kitchen tool.
It peels and slivers carrots, peels potatoes,
and slices paper-thin potato chips.
This amazing...
These aren't my arms.
...grates cheese and makes
beautiful decorative vegetables.
[ Mid-tempo music plays ]
[ On TV] Yee-haw!
I didn't feel a thing!
[ Sighs ]
[ Hums tune ]
Hm. Pip, pip.
Be prepared.
[ Siren wails ]
[ Horns honking ]
- Oh, Patrick. Bang on time! - George!
Just like your father. He was very, very proud of you.
- But I expect you know that. - Hello, little man.
I'm sorry for your loss. You must be feeling ghastly.
What happened to your eye? Girl trouble?
Now that I'm responsible for your moral guidance...
PATRICK: No, nothing like that.
I just... I picked something up on the plane.
It suits you. Very raffish.
- You'll fit right in here. - [ Laughing ] Yes!
I think you'll find this place amusing.
I mean, your father did.
It has all the things that you can't find in England anymore.
- Oh! Have you had a Bullshot? - No!
- Waiter, waiter. - Yes, sir?
- Three Bullshots, please. - Right away.
I've invited Ballantine Morgan,
though I suspect he's the most frightful bore.
Yes, his family own a bank. At least I think they do.
I've asked the question, but it's so hard
to listen to his fucking answers.
- Here we are. - The gang's all here.
- This is Ballantine Morgan. - So sorry about your father.
I didn't know him personally, but from what George tells me,
he was a great English gentleman.
George! What have you been telling him?
Only what an exceptional man your father was.
Well, I never met anybody quite like him.
He refused to compromise.
"Nothing but the best or go without"!
I quite agree.
"Never apologize, never explain." That was another one.
"Observe everything, trust no one."
- All very wise. - "Never try. Effort's vulgar."
"Things were better in the 18th century."
Oh, and, "Despise all women, but your mother most of all."
Ah! [ Chuckles ] Here are our Bullshots.
Beef consommé and vodka. Something of an acquired taste.
I've acquired it! Another, please.
His father was a very impressive pianist.
- If you like pastiche. - And in conversation too.
That depends. Some people don't like uninterrupted rudeness.
Or so I'm told. Who are these people?
True, I did once ask him to stop being quite so argumentative.
- BALLANTINE: What did he say? - Told me to bugger off.
[ Laughter ]
What a lot of faithful gundogs.
- Sorry? - There.
Are you interested in hunting, Patrick?
- Oh, Christ, here we go. - Oh, Christ, here we go.
I thought he might be interested in a story.
The thought you never have
is that someone might not be interested.
I'd shot this Tanganyikan mountain goat,
the last male of its species,
which, of course, was a rather bittersweet moment.
For the goat, certainly.
I've got a hunting story for you. It's from my father.
- Nicholas, you know the one. - Steady on, Patrick. Enough now.
My father was a cavalry officer stationed in India in the 1920s,
and he used to go pig-sticking, galloping through the high grass
with a lance, hunting wild boar.
Very dangerous, these wild boar.
They could take down a horse and gore a rider to death,
but thrilling too!
Anyway, the only blemish on this particular trip...
I think I heard this story when I was, what, eight?
was that one of the hunting party was bitten by a wild dog
and developed the symptoms of rabies.
Three days from the nearest hospital, and this hunting party
of judges and generals decided to truss up
their foaming, thrashing friend in a net
and hoist him off the ground.
Dinner was served...
There were lanterns down the table, gleam of silver,
well-trained servants.
But none of us could quite enjoy dinner with all that screaming.
So I got up from the table,
fetched my pistol, went over to the rabid man,
and shot him in the head.
DAVID AND PATRICK: Much the kindest thing to do.
Everyone agreed.
Eventually.
DAVID: And that, I think,
was the beginning of my love affair with medicine.
[ Wheezing laugh ]
[ Mid-tempo piano music plays ]
[ Music continues ]
[ Gags ]
Excuse me.
[ Retches ]
[ Toilet flushes ]
You might have used the stall.
Oh. Good idea.
[ Siren wails in distance ]
[ Snores softly ]
Oh, Christ. Dad!
I've got to pick up Dad. Fuck.
Excuse me.
Hello. Hello?
- [ Banging on door ] - Please! You have my father!
- I'm afraid we're closed. - No.
- I need his remains now. - I'm sorry.
I'm flying first thing, and I can't leave without him!
It's David Melrose.
Please.
[ Panting ]
Could I possibly trouble you for a paper bag?
Now, Marianne.
I have half a gram of coke, a fifth of heroin,
one quaalude, one Black Beauty.
A few lines to get the conversation flowing,
a quaalude for Marianne to get her in the mood.
Or perhaps pity is the way,
in which case use it for the comedown, sleep on the plane.
My God, you're good.
Then you're home. Thank Christ for Concorde.
Johnny will be waiting and...
Well, let's see.
[ Doorbell chimes ]
Hello, I'm Patrick. Marianne's friend.
Nancy. Nancy Banks. We have met.
- Yes, of course! Oh! Ha. - [ Laughs ]
Sorry, bit distracted.
It's just, um...
Yes, Marianne told us. Is that him?
I'll tell Consuela there'll be one more for dinner.
- [ Laughs ] - Marianne!
- She is dying to see you. - Aww!
Jerry, you remember Patrick, lovely Debbie's boyfriend.
I turned blue in your bathroom.
- We had to take the door off! - Yes!
- Come in, come in. - 'Tis I.
Marianne says he was a remarkable man.
You should have heard the remarks.
Was it a difficult relationship, Patrick?
Yes, Nancy. Yes, it was.
JERRY: When did the trouble start?
9th of June, 1906. The day he was born.
Well, fatherhood was very different in those days.
Yes, perhaps he just didn't know how to express his love.
Cruelty is the opposite of love,
not some inarticulate expression of it.
MARIANNE: That sounds about right to me.
Oh, Marianne.
Although, that's not something I've ever had to worry about.
- Hi, Patrick. - Hello.
I'm so, so sorry for your loss.
You're the answer. You're the one to save me.
Can't you tell? I want to be buried right here.
If I could have you, I'd give up drugs forever.
Goodness!
Or at least have someone attractive to take them with.
Can we go out to dinner? Please say yes.
Does this look all right to you?
Absolutely. I love Armenian.
Are you gonna be hot in your coat?
Oh. If it makes you feel uncomfortable, then...
- A little. - Well, off it comes.
[ Both chuckle ]
Perhaps I should take my eye patch off too.
I'll leave it on. Two martinis, please.
One.
- I don't drink. - Don't you?
Bad sign. Very, very bad.
I find it blurs the edges or dulls the senses.
Your point being?
I absolutely agree.
I don't usually either but, you know, grief.
Say something. Remember how this is done.
Something other than lies or ridicule or contempt.
Debbie sends her love.
- Not that, you fucking idiot! - Sweet Debbie.
- How is she? - Oh, she's a great girl.
[ Clears throat ] Very, very supportive.
Change the subject.
She tells me you're studying law.
That's right. At Columbia.
It's really tough, but I love it.
I once thought about studying law.
I imagined myself in "Twelve Angry Men"
being terrifically articulate, righting wrongs...
You'd have been a wonderful lawyer.
Yeah, you absolutely should do it. Why don't you?
'Cause hard work and ambition are vulgar.
Oh, my God, you don't believe that, do you?
Me? No, no, no, no. That's what he said.
Well, you have an education and...
Thank you. I mean...
And besides...
...you're not your father.
You are absolutely right.
Do you know what? I feel inspired.
I'm gonna do something about it the minute I get off the plane.
New man! Do you hear that, Dad? I'm gonna be a lawyer!
Patrick, I'm concerned about the box.
Don't be. I think it counts as hand luggage.
No, I meant, could you put it on the floor?
Yes!
Let the waiters kick him about.
Revenge at last!
Why should he get away with it just because he's dead?
Get away with what?
I'm sorry. Will you forgive me?
I thought you liked Armenian food.
The martinis are excellent.
"They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do."
Who says they don't mean to? Hmm.
Tell me, did you ever tell your dad how you felt about him?
Not while he was alive.
- Probably for the best. - Why?
I mean, what would you have said to him?
I... I would have said...
I would have told him,
"Nobody should do that to anybody else."
- Thank you so much. - Oh, sorry.
I took the question seriously.
Oh, no, I'm sorry. You were saying?
Well, just that...
Never mind.
Patrick, I, um... I should be getting back.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. M-Marianne...
We've always had a connection, haven't we?
I mean, I'm... I'm not just imagining it.
Well, no, I've always been very fond of you and Debbie.
I don't suppose you want to do a quaalude, do you?
Sorry for being a bit screwy.
No. It's an emotional time.
Taxi! Good night, Patrick.
Oh. Good... Yes. Good night.
Good night.
You know, um, sometimes I-I think
if I was to meet the right woman,
someone intelligent who wasn't afraid to challenge me,
I might actually be able to get my life back in order.
Please, stop. You are making a fool of yourself.
No, please, don't go.
I really need the company, or I don't know what I'll do.
Get the fuck off of me! You self-indulgent little shit.
What is wrong with you?
I'm an idiot. I'm sorry. But, look, please don't go.
Look, I don't want to be on my own tonight. I can't.
There isn't anyone else. Just sit with me.
Don't leave me alone.
But you're not alone.
Let's go.
[ Panting ]
She's right.
You're not alone.
And you never will be.
Death and destruction.
- Shame and violence. - [ Helicopter whirring ]
Ungovernable shame and violence!
Just fuck off!
[ Grunts ]
[ Grunting ]
[ Clattering ]
[ Grunts ]
Oh! Fuck!
I'm gonna flush you down the loo,
send you to the sewers with the alligators and the shit!
How?!
[ Mid-tempo music playing ]
[ Music stops ]
[ Grunts ]
[ Panting ]
What's the point of a fucking window
if you can'tjump out of it?
I want to die.
Well, it's not as if you don't have the means.
Anesthetic first, surely, Doctor?
[ As David ] No, Patrick.
Scalpel first, anesthetic afterwards.
[ Normal voice ] Shh!
You're safe. Nobody can find you here.
But what if nobody finds me here?
DAVID: Good God, what an appalling dump.
You see what I'm reduced to?
Your mother will be delighted.
I can see her gloating when you report back.
Do you report back?
Now...
Left or right?
Don't mind.
[ Whimpers ]
DAVID: I'm a very tired man.
Come and talk to me, Patrick.
Patrick, come and talk to your dear old dad.
Please.
[ Hyperventilating ]
Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.
Let's just go ahead
and finish it.
[ Breathing heavily ]
Oh!
[ Hyperventilating ]
[ Heartbeat pounding ]
[ Groaning softly ]
YOUNG PATRICK: Mummy?
ELEANOR: Oh, my darling.
I'm so sorry to wake you.
What time is it?
It's very early.
Are we going now?
I do want to go.
Very much.
[ Grunting ]
"And the sun shone, having no alternative,
on the nothing new."
Life's not just a bag of shit, but a leaky one.
You can't help being touched by it.
Don't you find?
I believe, sir, that's the common consensus.
Mm.
[ Elevator bell dings ]
BELLBOY: "There will be rivers of blood,
and the wicked shall be drowned.
Nor shall the high places be spared.
And the bridges shall be swept away.
And men shall say
that the end of the world cometh upon them."
And they shall have a point.
They shall have a very good point.
[ Chuckles ] Well, no one can say
I don't know how to have fun.
Your limo is waiting.
And we hope you enjoyed your stay with us.
"Enjoy" isn't the word. I loved it!
BELLBOY: Sir! Mr. Melrose, sir!
You nearly forgot this!
- Or did I? - Sir?
What I mean is, no need to call Vienna.
- Thank you very much. - Oh.
So, rivers of blood, eh?
Sir?
Never mind. [ Laughs ]
Never mind.
[ Sighs ] Never mind.
[ P.A. chimes ]
WOMAN ON P.A.: This is the final call
for Flight BA002 to London Heathrow.
Would all passengers for Flight BA002
please make your way to the boarding gate now.
[ Coins clinking ]
[ Line ringing ]
Oh, come on, come on.
[ Click ]
Johnny, Johnny, can you hear me?
JOHNNY: Patrick, how are you?
Oh, fine. I tried to kill myself last night.
My God. Where are you calling from?
The bottom.
Christ, are you all right?
Patrick? Tell me when you land. I'll come and meet you.
Um, look, I-I haven't got long. Can you hear me?
Yes.
I've decided I'm gonna take control of my life.
I'm gonna get clean.
Hello, Johnny. Can you hear me?
Yes, I can.
T-That's wonderful, but are you sure this time?
Of course.
People always make such a fuss about these things.
So, what do you want to do?
Patrick?
Patrick, what are you going to do instead?
Are you there?
[ Sobbing ]
[ Nick Lowe's "Heart of the City" plays ]
♪ We're in the heart of the city ♪
♪ Where the alligator roams ♪
♪ I'm a little lost lamb ♪
♪ Ain't got no place to go ♪
♪ Now, I ain't got one penny ♪
♪ Just got a shirt on my back ♪
♪ I left home in a hurry ♪
♪ Girl, I ain't never going back ♪
♪ I'm looking for a home in the heart of the city ♪
♪ The heart-heart of the city ♪
♪ Heart-heart ♪
♪ Ooh, yeah ♪
♪ Heart-heart of the city ♪
♪ Heart-heart ♪