1
00:00:07,625 --> 00:00:11,250
<i>I wish my dad
could stop being such an asshole.</i>

2
00:00:11,333 --> 00:00:13,458
<i>I wish I had my parents back.</i>

3
00:00:13,541 --> 00:00:18,291
<i>I wish my dad loved me
the way he loves that stupid baby.</i>

4
00:00:18,375 --> 00:00:20,375
<i>I wish I was irresistible.</i>

5
00:00:20,458 --> 00:00:23,125
<i>I wish I wasn't me.</i>

6
00:00:24,416 --> 00:00:26,500
<i>[chimes tinkle]</i>

7
00:00:27,750 --> 00:00:29,458
<i>[panting]</i>

8
00:00:29,541 --> 00:00:30,375
<i>[Marty] What?</i>

9
00:00:30,458 --> 00:00:33,708
<i>Wait a minute.
What am I doing on the couch?</i>

10
00:00:33,791 --> 00:00:36,083
<i>And why do my nuts feel so heavy?</i>

11
00:00:36,166 --> 00:00:37,583
<i>Oh, Jesus, no!</i>

12
00:00:37,666 --> 00:00:40,791
<i>Oh my God! I look like my dad.</i>

13
00:00:40,875 --> 00:00:42,000
<i>[gasps]</i>

14
00:00:42,083 --> 00:00:43,625
<i>And I sound like him too.</i>

15
00:00:43,708 --> 00:00:45,375
<i>Holy shit. Andrew?</i>

16
00:00:45,458 --> 00:00:47,250
<i>Maury, I'm my dad.</i>

17
00:00:47,333 --> 00:00:48,750
<i>Oh no. Oh me. Oh my.</i>

18
00:00:48,833 --> 00:00:50,250
<i>How did this happen?</i>

19
00:00:50,333 --> 00:00:51,208
<i>I don't know.</i>

20
00:00:51,291 --> 00:00:54,833
<i>But if you're in your dad's body,
then... then who's in yours?</i>

21
00:00:54,916 --> 00:00:57,916
<i>Why the hell is my penis so short and fat?</i>

22
00:00:58,000 --> 00:00:59,583
<i>Dad? Is that you?</i>

23
00:00:59,666 --> 00:01:02,041
<i>-Andrew?
-Dad, you're me.</i>

24
00:01:02,125 --> 00:01:03,416
<i>Nuh-uh. You're me.</i>

25
00:01:03,500 --> 00:01:04,958
<i>What's going on?</i>

26
00:01:05,041 --> 00:01:08,208
<i>Oh, baby Jesus and all my infant gods.</i>

27
00:01:08,291 --> 00:01:09,791
<i>They've</i> Freaky Friday'd.</i>

28
00:01:09,875 --> 00:01:13,250
<i>Freaky, my ass.
This is a fucked-up Friday.</i>

29
00:01:13,333 --> 00:01:14,541
<i>This is your fault.</i>

30
00:01:14,625 --> 00:01:17,041
<i>Who me?</i> Me me, or you me?</i>

31
00:01:17,125 --> 00:01:19,666
<i>You me. It's you me's fault.</i>

32
00:01:19,750 --> 00:01:21,375
<i>-You big little pervert.
-Aw.</i>

33
00:01:21,458 --> 00:01:23,291
<i>[phone ringing]</i>

34
00:01:23,375 --> 00:01:25,875
<i>[Andrew as Marty]</i>
Mrs. Birch, I need to talk to Nick.</i>

35
00:01:25,958 --> 00:01:26,791
<i>Marty?</i>

36
00:01:26,875 --> 00:01:27,916
<i>No. I mean, yes.</i>

37
00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:30,791
<i>Yeah. I mean...
Would you just put Nick on, please?</i>

38
00:01:30,875 --> 00:01:34,708
<i>Nick, Andrew's dad
is on the phone for you.</i>

39
00:01:35,208 --> 00:01:36,916
<i>Mr. Glouberman?</i>

40
00:01:37,000 --> 00:01:39,416
<i>Oh, Sorry, Grandpa MacGregor,
I needed to talk to Nick.</i>

41
00:01:39,500 --> 00:01:40,333
<i>This is Nick.</i>

42
00:01:40,416 --> 00:01:42,791
<i>Wait. Why is my voice so weird?</i>

43
00:01:42,875 --> 00:01:45,666
<i>And why do I feel my skeleton?</i>

44
00:01:45,750 --> 00:01:47,583
<i>Aw, shit.</i>

45
00:01:47,666 --> 00:01:49,500
<i>Nick, it happened to you too.</i>

46
00:01:49,583 --> 00:01:51,458
<i>-[Nick as Seamus]</i> What happened?</i>
-</i><i>This is Andrew.</i>

47
00:01:51,541 --> 00:01:53,333
<i>I woke up in my dad's body.</i>

48
00:01:53,416 --> 00:01:55,083
<i>What? What are you talking about?</i>

49
00:01:55,166 --> 00:01:56,708
<i>Just go look in the mirror.</i>

50
00:01:56,791 --> 00:01:58,125
<i>[grunting]</i>

51
00:01:58,208 --> 00:02:00,375
<i>Ah! My face. My body.</i>

52
00:02:00,458 --> 00:02:04,291
<i>Oh, shit, Nick.
You turned into a California Raisin.</i>

53
00:02:04,375 --> 00:02:07,625
<i>I'm my fucking grandpa.</i>

54
00:02:07,708 --> 00:02:11,000
<i>Oh God. Do you think
this has happened to anyone else?</i>

55
00:02:11,958 --> 00:02:14,125
<i>[Jessi]</i> Where am I? Why can't I move?</i>

56
00:02:14,208 --> 00:02:16,666
<i>-[baby cries]
-[Jessi]</i> I can't speak. What's going on?</i>

57
00:02:16,750 --> 00:02:19,166
<i>Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
It's okay, Delilah.</i>

58
00:02:19,250 --> 00:02:21,791
<i>Mommy and Daddy are here, sweet boo-boo.</i>

59
00:02:21,875 --> 00:02:24,208
<i>-[Jessi]</i> What?
-Holy shit, Jessi.</i>

60
00:02:24,291 --> 00:02:25,916
<i>You're the baby, baby.</i>

61
00:02:26,000 --> 00:02:30,166
<i>[Jessi]</i> Oh fuck. So is the baby me?</i>

62
00:02:31,208 --> 00:02:33,833
<i>Oh my God, Jessi. [gasps]</i>

63
00:02:33,916 --> 00:02:38,666
<i>Did your mom hide her tranquilizers
in your Children's Tylenol bottle?</i>

64
00:02:38,750 --> 00:02:40,250
<i>Um, been there.</i>

65
00:02:41,041 --> 00:02:42,833
<i>[laughs]</i>

66
00:02:42,916 --> 00:02:44,541
<i>Genuine LOL.</i>

67
00:02:44,625 --> 00:02:47,833
<i>You are hilarious
when you're tranqued out.</i>

68
00:02:48,541 --> 00:02:51,291
<i>[Jay]</i> Yes. My wish came true.</i>

69
00:02:51,375 --> 00:02:54,333
<i>I'm not me. I'm Coach Steve.</i>

70
00:02:54,416 --> 00:02:56,500
<i>Yay, I'm Coach Steve too.</i>

71
00:02:56,583 --> 00:02:58,208
<i>-[Jay]</i> Wait a minute, what?</i>
-</i><i>I'm sorry.</i>

72
00:02:58,291 --> 00:03:01,208
<i>Was I supposed to leave
when you came into my body?</i>

73
00:03:01,291 --> 00:03:03,291
<i>I didn't understand the assignment.</i>

74
00:03:03,375 --> 00:03:05,541
<i>[Jay]</i> Oh shit, we're brain buddies.</i>

75
00:03:05,625 --> 00:03:08,125
<i>Do we both control your body?
How does it work?</i>

76
00:03:08,208 --> 00:03:11,041
<i>Oh, look, look. I got the right side.</i>

77
00:03:11,125 --> 00:03:16,125
<i>And I've got</i> The Blind Side on DVD
if you wanna, you know, hang out.</i>

78
00:03:16,208 --> 00:03:19,875
<i>[Jay]</i> Uh, yeah,</i>
as long as I'm not stupid shitty-ass me.</i>

79
00:03:19,958 --> 00:03:23,500
<i>But hold on, then. Where is you?</i>

80
00:03:23,583 --> 00:03:24,583
<i>[Jay]</i> Who cares?</i>

81
00:03:24,666 --> 00:03:28,458
<i>I ran into the woods and passed out.
Fuck my old body.</i>

82
00:03:28,541 --> 00:03:29,958
<i>All right.</i>

83
00:03:30,041 --> 00:03:31,541
<i>Holy shit, Missy.</i>

84
00:03:31,625 --> 00:03:33,125
<i>You're Nathan fucking Fillion.</i>

85
00:03:33,208 --> 00:03:34,375
<i>Oh my gosh.</i>

86
00:03:34,458 --> 00:03:37,041
<i>I'm stuck
in his gorgeous mountain of a body.</i>

87
00:03:37,125 --> 00:03:38,166
<i>You sure are.</i>

88
00:03:38,250 --> 00:03:40,041
<i>Oh my God! Oh my God!
Oh my God, what do I do?</i>

89
00:03:40,125 --> 00:03:41,625
<i>Quick. Feel your own buttocks.</i>

90
00:03:41,708 --> 00:03:43,500
<i>Mona, this is serious.</i>

91
00:03:43,583 --> 00:03:46,625
<i>-But so is this can, eyebrows, eyebrows.
-[knock on door]</i>

92
00:03:46,708 --> 00:03:49,083
<i>Uh, Mr. Fillion,
they're ready for you on set.</i>

93
00:03:49,166 --> 00:03:50,458
<i>Be there in a minute,</i>

94
00:03:50,541 --> 00:03:53,125
<i>because I'm Canadian beefcake
Nathan Fillion,</i>

95
00:03:53,208 --> 00:03:56,583
<i>not a terrified teenage girl
touching my own butt. [chuckles]</i>

96
00:03:58,958 --> 00:04:04,583
{\an8}<i>♪ I'm going through changes ♪</i>

97
00:04:08,500 --> 00:04:13,916
{\an8}<i>♪ I'm going through changes ♪</i>

98
00:04:14,625 --> 00:04:16,791
{\an8}<i>♪ Oh, in my life ♪</i>

99
00:04:18,208 --> 00:04:21,291
{\an8}<i>♪ Oh, ooh, ooh ♪</i>

100
00:04:29,708 --> 00:04:32,375
{\an8}<i>Oh, Dad, what are we gonna tell Mom?</i>

101
00:04:32,458 --> 00:04:34,500
{\an8}<i>Nothing. We have to keep this a secret.</i>

102
00:04:34,583 --> 00:04:37,708
{\an8}<i>Andrew, your salami and eggs
are getting ice cold.</i>

103
00:04:37,791 --> 00:04:39,000
<i>Come down for breakfast.</i>

104
00:04:39,083 --> 00:04:39,958
<i>Okay, Mom.</i>

105
00:04:40,041 --> 00:04:42,625
<i>Ugh, Marty, why are you calling me Mom?</i>

106
00:04:42,708 --> 00:04:44,458
<i>What this idiot means is</i>

107
00:04:44,541 --> 00:04:46,041
<i>I'll be right down,</i>

108
00:04:46,125 --> 00:04:48,791
<i>because I'm your disgusting
pervert son. Let's go.</i>

109
00:04:48,875 --> 00:04:51,000
<i>Ugh, don't talk like your father, Andrew.</i>

110
00:04:51,083 --> 00:04:52,875
<i>One Marty is more than I want.</i>

111
00:04:52,958 --> 00:04:54,416
<i>Dad, what do we do?</i>

112
00:04:54,500 --> 00:04:56,291
<i>I can't go to school like this.</i>

113
00:04:56,375 --> 00:04:58,833
<i>No shit, you tall moron.</i>

114
00:04:58,916 --> 00:05:00,791
<i>Until we figure out how to fix this,</i>

115
00:05:00,875 --> 00:05:03,208
<i>you go to my job, and I go to your school.</i>

116
00:05:03,291 --> 00:05:04,291
<i>What? Why?</i>

117
00:05:04,375 --> 00:05:07,125
<i>'Cause that's what they do
in these movies!</i>

118
00:05:08,875 --> 00:05:12,166
<i>Oh, what the hell, Nicky?
Are you drinking a beer?</i>

119
00:05:12,250 --> 00:05:15,125
<i>Bugger off, princess.
I'm not your pansy son.</i>

120
00:05:15,208 --> 00:05:16,583
<i>Excuse me?</i>

121
00:05:16,666 --> 00:05:19,916
<i>I don't like the way
your grandfather is rubbing off on you.</i>

122
00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:21,791
<i>Now brush your fucking teeth
and get to school.</i>

123
00:05:21,875 --> 00:05:23,583
<i>-Wait! No, don't do that.
-Stay out of this.</i>

124
00:05:23,666 --> 00:05:25,958
<i>But I'm not Grandpa. I'm your son.</i>

125
00:05:26,041 --> 00:05:28,750
<i>Shut up, both of you.
I don't like this joke.</i>

126
00:05:28,833 --> 00:05:32,791
<i>Fuck you, woman.
Get your bloody hands off me.</i>

127
00:05:32,875 --> 00:05:33,750
<i>-Hey, Dad.
-Huh?</i>

128
00:05:33,833 --> 00:05:36,750
<i>When I get home tonight,
I'm gonna twist those nipples so hard,</i>

129
00:05:36,833 --> 00:05:39,125
<i>you're gonna look like
a breast-feeding street dog.</i>

130
00:05:39,208 --> 00:05:40,708
<i>-But I'm not...
-[barks]</i>

131
00:05:40,791 --> 00:05:42,666
<i>[screams]</i>

132
00:05:42,750 --> 00:05:43,958
<i>Hard Daddy out.</i>

133
00:05:44,041 --> 00:05:46,666
<i>Oh, okay. I think I get it now, man.</i>

134
00:05:46,750 --> 00:05:50,166
<i>Okay, so you're Nick, and I'm Nick,
and everybody's Nick.</i>

135
00:05:50,250 --> 00:05:54,000
<i>And this is Nick at Nite on Roku.</i>

136
00:05:54,083 --> 00:05:55,000
<i>[bell rings]</i>

137
00:05:56,250 --> 00:05:59,041
<i>-Uh, Mr. Glouberman?
-Yeah.</i>

138
00:05:59,125 --> 00:06:01,833
<i>I'm stuck in this little perv's body.
Who the hell are you?</i>

139
00:06:01,916 --> 00:06:04,000
<i>It's Nick. Have you seen... me?</i>

140
00:06:04,083 --> 00:06:05,833
<i>What do you mean, me? You're you.</i>

141
00:06:05,916 --> 00:06:07,458
<i>Why is everybody stupid today?</i>

142
00:06:07,541 --> 00:06:09,291
<i>It's a classic body swap.</i>

143
00:06:09,375 --> 00:06:11,166
<i>For you see, I'm not a young girl.</i>

144
00:06:11,250 --> 00:06:15,958
<i>I'm, in fact, TV's Nathan Fillion
trapped in a young girl's budding body.</i>

145
00:06:16,041 --> 00:06:17,333
<i>That's disgusting.</i>

146
00:06:17,416 --> 00:06:19,833
<i>Thank you. I know all about body swaps</i>

147
00:06:19,916 --> 00:06:22,916
<i>from a pilot I did for NBC
called</i> Oopsie Daddy.</i>

148
00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:25,666
<i>Okay, so how do we swap back?</i>

149
00:06:25,750 --> 00:06:28,041
<i>Well, we each need to learn
a life lesson to...</i>

150
00:06:28,125 --> 00:06:29,125
<i>Learn a lesson?!</i>

151
00:06:29,208 --> 00:06:31,250
<i>That's the stupidest thing
I've ever heard,</i>

152
00:06:31,333 --> 00:06:33,750
<i>and I went to Drew Carey's Ted Talk.</i>

153
00:06:33,833 --> 00:06:36,041
<i>Hey, Missy, can we talk for a sec?</i>

154
00:06:36,125 --> 00:06:37,416
<i>Oh, I'm sorry, young man.</i>

155
00:06:37,500 --> 00:06:40,000
<i>I'm off to learn
something critical about myself.</i>

156
00:06:40,083 --> 00:06:44,833
<i>Enjoy your schooling and watch</i> The Rookie,
Sundays on ABC, at 10/9 Central.</i>

157
00:06:44,916 --> 00:06:47,166
<i>Oh, thank God, Jessi.
Do you know where Jay is?</i>

158
00:06:47,250 --> 00:06:49,625
<i>I haven't seen him
since I shattered his self-esteem</i>

159
00:06:49,708 --> 00:06:51,375
<i>and he ran into the woods.</i>

160
00:06:51,458 --> 00:06:52,666
<i>-Oh my God.
-[cries]</i>

161
00:06:52,750 --> 00:06:55,375
<i>Oh, please. Grow up, Matthew.</i>

162
00:06:55,458 --> 00:06:59,583
<i>It's perfectly normal
to absolutely obliterate your pants</i>

163
00:06:59,666 --> 00:07:02,125
<i>when you're geeked up on tranqs.</i>

164
00:07:02,208 --> 00:07:03,750
<i>This one, that one.</i>

165
00:07:03,833 --> 00:07:07,000
<i>-This one, that one. That one.
-[Jay]</i> Whoa, Steve. We're doing it.</i>

166
00:07:07,083 --> 00:07:09,541
<i>Oof-magoof, walking's hard.</i>

167
00:07:09,625 --> 00:07:11,291
<i>Well, Coach Steve seems normal,</i>

168
00:07:11,375 --> 00:07:14,000
<i>but everybody else is acting very strange.</i>

169
00:07:14,083 --> 00:07:17,583
<i>Come on, lady,
where do you hide your booze? Cough it up.</i>

170
00:07:17,666 --> 00:07:20,708
<i>Grandpa, listen, we need
to learn some stupid lesson</i>

171
00:07:20,791 --> 00:07:22,833
<i>so we can switch back to our own bodies.</i>

172
00:07:22,916 --> 00:07:25,291
<i>-Fuck you. My old body's shite.
-Wait, no!</i>

173
00:07:25,375 --> 00:07:28,375
<i>I'm gonna go find a goddamn bar
that'll serve a child.</i>

174
00:07:28,458 --> 00:07:29,375
<i>Ugh.</i>

175
00:07:29,458 --> 00:07:30,875
<i>-[baby crying]
-[Jessi groans]</i>

176
00:07:30,958 --> 00:07:34,583
<i>Dad, help. I'm trapped in the baby's body.</i>

177
00:07:34,666 --> 00:07:38,583
<i>Oh, does my little chunky monkey
want a little tubby wubby?</i>

178
00:07:38,666 --> 00:07:40,458
<i>[Jessi]</i> No, no, no. No, thank you.</i>

179
00:07:40,541 --> 00:07:42,166
<i>No daddy washy assy.</i>

180
00:07:42,250 --> 00:07:44,583
<i>[Jessi]</i> Oh God, this is so embarrassing.</i>

181
00:07:44,666 --> 00:07:45,916
<i>-Here we go.
-[Jessi]</i> Wait.</i>

182
00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:47,291
<i>-I don't want...</i>
-[Greg] And bloop.</i>

183
00:07:47,375 --> 00:07:48,500
<i>Oh.</i>

184
00:07:48,583 --> 00:07:50,416
<i>[Jessi]</i> Oh, this actually feels nice.</i>

185
00:07:50,500 --> 00:07:51,750
<i>How's the water, kiddo?</i>

186
00:07:51,833 --> 00:07:52,666
<i>[Jessi]</i> Uh...</i>

187
00:07:52,750 --> 00:07:56,291
<i>Yeah, get that warm water
all up in your neck rolls.</i>

188
00:07:56,375 --> 00:07:58,708
<i>♪ Baby, do you like that?
Yes, yes, yes ♪</i>

189
00:07:58,791 --> 00:08:01,500
<i>-Boop.
-[Jessi]</i> Connie, I could get used to this.</i>

190
00:08:01,583 --> 00:08:06,958
<i>There ain't no bubble bath
like a baby bubble bath, baby.</i>

191
00:08:07,541 --> 00:08:09,875
{\an8}<i>[Andrew] Guys, I've been looking around
for 20 minutes.</i>

192
00:08:09,958 --> 00:08:12,291
<i>I still have no idea what my dad's job is.</i>

193
00:08:12,375 --> 00:08:15,000
<i>Why does he have
dog food cans all over his desk?</i>

194
00:08:15,083 --> 00:08:17,291
<i>And a machete in his filing cabinet?</i>

195
00:08:17,375 --> 00:08:18,916
<i>-What? A machete?
-[knock on door]</i>

196
00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:20,000
<i>Good morning, Marty.</i>

197
00:08:20,083 --> 00:08:22,000
<i>Oh, my dad's associate, Susan.</i>

198
00:08:22,083 --> 00:08:24,375
<i>I mean, my associate, Susan.
I mean, Susan.</i>

199
00:08:24,458 --> 00:08:26,375
<i>Wow,</i> the Susan.</i>

200
00:08:26,458 --> 00:08:28,583
<i>This is such an honor.</i>

201
00:08:28,666 --> 00:08:31,000
<i>I've seen you
in all of Andrew's jerk-off fantasies.</i>

202
00:08:31,083 --> 00:08:34,791
<i>I'd say my personal favorite is
"Andrew Gets Fucked at the Beach."</i>

203
00:08:34,875 --> 00:08:36,333
<i>Are you ready for the presentation?</i>

204
00:08:36,416 --> 00:08:38,750
<i>The presentation.
Of course, yes. Of course, yes.</i>

205
00:08:38,833 --> 00:08:41,250
<i>Yes, let me just get my...
my dog food together?</i>

206
00:08:41,333 --> 00:08:42,250
<i>Okay...</i>

207
00:08:42,333 --> 00:08:45,041
<i>Quick, Andrew. Masturbate to Susan
with your father's dick.</i>

208
00:08:45,125 --> 00:08:46,625
<i>-What?
-Absolutely not.</i>

209
00:08:46,708 --> 00:08:50,166
<i>Oh, you think he should fuck Susan
with his dad's dick,</i>

210
00:08:50,250 --> 00:08:51,666
<i>-because I'd love that.
-Maury!</i>

211
00:08:51,750 --> 00:08:54,708
<i>His parents' marriage
is already in shambles.</i>

212
00:08:54,791 --> 00:08:56,250
<i>[gasps] Wait a minute.</i>

213
00:08:56,333 --> 00:08:59,791
<i>Maybe we could use your father's body
to woo your mother back</i>

214
00:08:59,875 --> 00:09:02,458
<i>with a romantic gesture
like we learned about in therapy.</i>

215
00:09:02,541 --> 00:09:03,541
<i>Boring.</i>

216
00:09:03,625 --> 00:09:05,375
<i>No, Flanny's right.</i>

217
00:09:05,458 --> 00:09:07,916
<i>This is my chance
to get my parents back together.</i>

218
00:09:08,000 --> 00:09:08,833
<i>-[Susan] Marty?
-Who?</i>

219
00:09:08,916 --> 00:09:10,708
<i>They're in the conference room waiting.</i>

220
00:09:10,791 --> 00:09:15,708
<i>I'm so sorry, Susan,
but I have to go home and woo my mom.</i>

221
00:09:15,791 --> 00:09:16,625
<i>I mean, my wife.</i>

222
00:09:16,708 --> 00:09:18,041
<i>Okay...</i>

223
00:09:18,125 --> 00:09:20,625
<i>Quick, before we go,
beg Susan to fuck you,</i>

224
00:09:20,708 --> 00:09:23,000
<i>just like in "Andrew Begs to Get Fucked."</i>

225
00:09:23,083 --> 00:09:24,416
<i>Another personal favorite.</i>

226
00:09:24,500 --> 00:09:25,708
<i>And... action.</i>

227
00:09:25,791 --> 00:09:28,208
<i>Morning, chief.
Uh, what are we looking at?</i>

228
00:09:28,291 --> 00:09:29,375
<i>Bad news, Nolan.</i>

229
00:09:29,458 --> 00:09:31,916
<i>Kid was found sliced ear to ear
with a bread knife</i>

230
00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:34,041
<i>and this rusty bike horn
shoved up his ass.</i>

231
00:09:34,125 --> 00:09:35,333
<i>-[horn honks]
-Hmm, Still works.</i>

232
00:09:35,416 --> 00:09:37,625
<i>I'm sorry, I don't...
I don't think I can do this.</i>

233
00:09:37,708 --> 00:09:39,250
<i>Uh, no, Nathan.</i>

234
00:09:39,333 --> 00:09:42,708
<i>Your line is, "I can do this forever.
I love being a cop."</i>

235
00:09:42,791 --> 00:09:43,916
<i>I am so sorry.</i>

236
00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:45,583
<i>Violence makes me barf.</i>

237
00:09:45,666 --> 00:09:48,916
<i>And I can't even pretend
to hold a gun. So...</i>

238
00:09:49,000 --> 00:09:50,208
<i>Nathan, where are you going?</i>

239
00:09:50,291 --> 00:09:51,291
<i>Taxi.</i>

240
00:09:51,375 --> 00:09:52,666
<i>One adult, please.</i>

241
00:09:52,750 --> 00:09:54,708
<i>To Bridgeton Middle School.</i>

242
00:09:54,791 --> 00:09:55,708
<i>[whistle blows]</i>

243
00:09:55,791 --> 00:09:57,041
<i>[Jay]</i> Come on. Tell them, Steve.</i>

244
00:09:57,125 --> 00:09:58,458
<i>The little boy inside me</i>

245
00:09:58,541 --> 00:10:00,916
<i>wants you to run laps
with your butts hanging out.</i>

246
00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:02,500
<i>[Amazing Paul] Ha, ha!</i>

247
00:10:02,583 --> 00:10:06,750
<i>We are the Sorcerers of the Square Table.</i>

248
00:10:06,833 --> 00:10:09,458
<i>Whoa, cool. Adult men.</i>

249
00:10:09,541 --> 00:10:11,583
<i>[Jay]</i> No, not cool. These guys are losers.</i>

250
00:10:11,666 --> 00:10:14,750
<i>We are looking for the schoolchild
known as Jay Bilzerian.</i>

251
00:10:14,833 --> 00:10:16,666
<i>He's the only magician skilled enough</i>

252
00:10:16,750 --> 00:10:18,833
<i>to help us bring back
The Magnificent Gary.</i>

253
00:10:18,916 --> 00:10:21,333
<i>Who is trapped in The Bread Bowl Realm.</i>

254
00:10:22,583 --> 00:10:24,041
<i>[grunts]</i>

255
00:10:25,333 --> 00:10:26,291
<i>[screams]</i>

256
00:10:26,375 --> 00:10:30,458
<i>Jay, you gotta go do magic
so that guy doesn't become cheese.</i>

257
00:10:30,541 --> 00:10:33,041
<i>[Jay]</i> No! I'm not a magician anymore.</i>

258
00:10:33,125 --> 00:10:34,875
<i>Matthew was right. Being Jay sucked.</i>

259
00:10:34,958 --> 00:10:39,583
<i>Don't you dare talk about my best friend
and body roommate like that.</i>

260
00:10:39,666 --> 00:10:42,250
<i>[Jay]</i> I'll say whatever I want</i>
about my shitty self.</i>

261
00:10:42,333 --> 00:10:45,083
<i>Not while you're sitting
at a little table in my tummy.</i>

262
00:10:45,166 --> 00:10:46,291
<i>[Jay]</i> It's my tummy too.</i>

263
00:10:46,375 --> 00:10:48,416
<i>Ow! My restaurant.</i>

264
00:10:48,500 --> 00:10:49,625
<i>[rock music plays]</i>

265
00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:55,000
<i>Yeah, that's it. Give her a good scrub.</i>

266
00:10:55,083 --> 00:10:58,916
<i>Ooh, yeah,
swing those big old balls for Mommy.</i>

267
00:10:59,000 --> 00:11:01,291
<i>Oh, they're so much heavier
when they're wet.</i>

268
00:11:01,375 --> 00:11:03,500
<i>Marty? What are you doing?</i>

269
00:11:03,583 --> 00:11:06,041
<i>Nothing. Just washing your car.</i>

270
00:11:06,125 --> 00:11:08,333
<i>You know, like I used to do.</i>

271
00:11:08,416 --> 00:11:12,291
<i>You haven't done something like this
in years.</i>

272
00:11:12,375 --> 00:11:15,250
<i>And look, you still have
your spicy little shorts.</i>

273
00:11:15,333 --> 00:11:18,833
<i>Yeah, and they're chock-full of nuts.</i>

274
00:11:18,916 --> 00:11:20,208
<i>Maury, I'm going to hell.</i>

275
00:11:20,291 --> 00:11:24,125
<i>What the hell is that depraved sicko
doing with my body?</i>

276
00:11:24,208 --> 00:11:28,708
<i>Shut up.
Barbara doesn't look like she hates you.</i>

277
00:11:28,791 --> 00:11:32,500
<i>So now that I've wooed you,
can we be married again?</i>

278
00:11:32,583 --> 00:11:33,458
<i>Excuse me?</i>

279
00:11:33,541 --> 00:11:36,250
<i>You know, like you said in family therapy.</i>

280
00:11:36,333 --> 00:11:37,333
<i>I fixed everything.</i>

281
00:11:37,416 --> 00:11:38,750
<i>What? No.</i>

282
00:11:38,833 --> 00:11:41,375
<i>Washing my car once doesn't fix anything.</i>

283
00:11:41,458 --> 00:11:43,166
<i>What do you want me to do?</i>

284
00:11:43,250 --> 00:11:46,000
<i>Clean the microwave? I'll do it nude.</i>

285
00:11:46,083 --> 00:11:47,958
<i>Ugh! You've clearly learned nothing.</i>

286
00:11:48,041 --> 00:11:50,416
<i>Great job, schmendrick. You blew it.</i>

287
00:11:50,500 --> 00:11:52,500
<i>-Wait. Uh, Mom.
-Ugh!</i>

288
00:11:52,583 --> 00:11:54,416
<i>And stop calling me Mom.</i>

289
00:11:54,500 --> 00:11:56,375
<i>Yeah, what are you, Mike Pence?</i>

290
00:11:56,458 --> 00:11:59,916
<i>[Jessi]</i>
Mm, Connie, I feel like a little mummy.</i>

291
00:12:00,000 --> 00:12:03,833
<i>Oh, yeah, all swaddled up
like a baby burrito.</i>

292
00:12:03,916 --> 00:12:06,791
<i>[Jessi]</i> Ow!</i>
All of a sudden, my stomach is killing me.</i>

293
00:12:06,875 --> 00:12:09,458
<i>-[crying]
-Oh, you probably got that baby gas.</i>

294
00:12:09,541 --> 00:12:12,250
<i>You still don't know how to use
that brand new butthole.</i>

295
00:12:12,333 --> 00:12:13,875
<i>Okay, Greg, what's going on?</i>

296
00:12:13,958 --> 00:12:15,291
<i>[Jessi]</i> I have gas, Dad.</i>

297
00:12:15,375 --> 00:12:17,875
<i>It feels like I swallowed
a square bowling ball.</i>

298
00:12:17,958 --> 00:12:19,875
<i>[Greg] I don't know.
Maybe she's hungry again?</i>

299
00:12:19,958 --> 00:12:22,166
<i>Uh, okay, all right.
I'm gonna try feeding her.</i>

300
00:12:22,250 --> 00:12:24,375
<i>Yuh-oh, Stepmom titty, incoming.</i>

301
00:12:24,458 --> 00:12:27,125
<i>[Jessi]</i> No,</i>
I don't want your boob in my mouth.</i>

302
00:12:27,208 --> 00:12:28,458
<i>Uh, she's not latching.</i>

303
00:12:28,541 --> 00:12:30,625
<i>Jam it in there.
Don't give her the option.</i>

304
00:12:30,708 --> 00:12:32,583
<i>[Jessi]</i> Get that away from me.</i>

305
00:12:32,666 --> 00:12:35,208
<i>Fucking burp me.</i>

306
00:12:35,291 --> 00:12:38,166
<i>We will also accept a fart.</i>

307
00:12:39,041 --> 00:12:41,541
<i>And so Jay is now my body brother,</i>

308
00:12:41,625 --> 00:12:45,208
<i>but he didn't wanna come here
because he's not a musician anymore.</i>

309
00:12:45,291 --> 00:12:50,208
<i>[Jay]</i> Uh, no, Steve. I didn't wanna come</i>
because magic sucks rock-hard shit.</i>

310
00:12:50,291 --> 00:12:52,291
<i>Hey, oh. Stop hitting myself.</i>

311
00:12:52,375 --> 00:12:55,041
<i>Oh, yes,
I've seen sorcery like this before.</i>

312
00:12:55,125 --> 00:12:56,500
<i>And if Jay's really in there,</i>

313
00:12:56,583 --> 00:13:01,166
<i>then we have the quartet of magicians
we need to rescue The Magnificent Gary.</i>

314
00:13:01,250 --> 00:13:03,625
<i>-[Jay]</i> Fuck no. I'm not doing magic</i>.
<i>-Hey. Come on, Jay.</i>

315
00:13:03,708 --> 00:13:06,208
<i>Everyone, make the sign of the Bread Bowl</i>

316
00:13:06,291 --> 00:13:09,458
<i>and repeat after me, Arenap.</i>

317
00:13:09,541 --> 00:13:12,458
<i>Arenap. Arenap.</i>

318
00:13:12,541 --> 00:13:13,500
<i>Saran wrap.</i>

319
00:13:13,583 --> 00:13:16,833
<i>No, Arenap, as in Panera backwards.</i>

320
00:13:16,916 --> 00:13:18,000
<i>Lollipop.</i>

321
00:13:18,083 --> 00:13:19,041
<i>Arenap.</i>

322
00:13:19,125 --> 00:13:20,125
<i>Oh, of course.</i>

323
00:13:20,208 --> 00:13:22,375
<i>-Kit Kat.
-Say it correctly or it won't work.</i>

324
00:13:22,458 --> 00:13:24,125
<i>Help me say it, Jay.</i>

325
00:13:24,208 --> 00:13:26,875
<i>[Jay]</i> Fuck them and fuck you!</i>

326
00:13:27,750 --> 00:13:28,708
<i>Ow!</i>

327
00:13:28,791 --> 00:13:32,291
<i>I got glass in my doody oven. Awesome.</i>

328
00:13:32,375 --> 00:13:33,666
<i>[panting]</i>

329
00:13:33,750 --> 00:13:36,000
<i>Oh, thank God, you're home.
I need your help.</i>

330
00:13:36,083 --> 00:13:37,875
<i>Oh, what now, Seamus?</i>

331
00:13:37,958 --> 00:13:40,583
<i>I'm not Seamus, Mom. I'm Nick.</i>

332
00:13:40,666 --> 00:13:42,583
<i>I swapped bodies with Grandpa.</i>

333
00:13:42,666 --> 00:13:45,500
<i>Oh, great. Now he's got
fucking dementia too.</i>

334
00:13:45,583 --> 00:13:47,583
<i>Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom,
please, it's really me.</i>

335
00:13:47,666 --> 00:13:50,958
<i>Okay, "Nicky," prove it.
When's my birthday?</i>

336
00:13:51,041 --> 00:13:52,375
<i>I have no idea.</i>

337
00:13:52,458 --> 00:13:55,708
<i>I forget every year,
but Dad buys you a present from me</i>

338
00:13:55,791 --> 00:13:58,708
<i>and makes you a thoughtful card
that I sign without reading.</i>

339
00:13:58,791 --> 00:14:02,041
<i>Oh, my boy. It really is you.</i>

340
00:14:02,125 --> 00:14:03,041
<i>Mom.</i>

341
00:14:03,125 --> 00:14:04,958
<i>Oh, this is awful.</i>

342
00:14:05,041 --> 00:14:07,166
<i>My son is trapped
in my father-in-law's body.</i>

343
00:14:07,250 --> 00:14:09,333
<i>My husband's acting
like a different person.</i>

344
00:14:09,416 --> 00:14:12,583
<i>Wait. Maybe that's why
I swapped bodies with Grandpa.</i>

345
00:14:12,666 --> 00:14:16,000
<i>So I could help Dad
become Soft Daddy again.</i>

346
00:14:16,083 --> 00:14:16,916
<i>What do you mean?</i>

347
00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:21,625
<i>Well, Nathan Fillion said I need
to learn a lesson to swap bodies back.</i>

348
00:14:21,708 --> 00:14:23,333
<i>Sure, okay...</i>

349
00:14:23,416 --> 00:14:28,250
<i>Maybe I'm supposed to show Dad
the love that Grandpa never could.</i>

350
00:14:28,333 --> 00:14:30,166
<i>Hey, hey, Rick. What'd I miss?</i>

351
00:14:30,250 --> 00:14:31,458
<i>I don't know, man.</i>

352
00:14:31,541 --> 00:14:34,125
<i>I never understand these season finales.</i>

353
00:14:34,208 --> 00:14:37,875
<i>They always gotta do something cuckoo,
and I don't get it.</i>

354
00:14:37,958 --> 00:14:41,666
<i>Monica, I didn't think anything
could be as gorgeous as your eyes,</i>

355
00:14:41,750 --> 00:14:45,916
<i>but your ancient grain focaccia
is coming awfully close.</i>

356
00:14:46,000 --> 00:14:49,083
<i>You know, it almost feels like
you're flirting with me, Missy.</i>

357
00:14:49,166 --> 00:14:51,458
<i>[chuckles] And would that be a problem?</i>

358
00:14:51,541 --> 00:14:53,625
<i>-[doorbell rings]
-[chuckles] Oh.</i>

359
00:14:54,333 --> 00:14:56,291
<i>Mom. I mean... [clears throat]</i>

360
00:14:56,375 --> 00:14:58,541
<i>May I speak with your daughter, madam?</i>

361
00:14:58,625 --> 00:15:00,416
<i>Nathan Fillion?</i>

362
00:15:00,500 --> 00:15:02,750
<i>I know this sounds totally bonkers,</i>

363
00:15:02,833 --> 00:15:06,583
<i>but your daughter and I
are linked supernaturally.</i>

364
00:15:06,666 --> 00:15:07,916
<i>-What?
-Don't worry,</i>

365
00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:10,750
<i>you hot mom
who doesn't know how hot she is.</i>

366
00:15:10,833 --> 00:15:11,875
<i>I'll handle this.</i>

367
00:15:11,958 --> 00:15:13,041
<i>Okay.</i>

368
00:15:13,583 --> 00:15:16,666
<i>So, how's my body
been treating you, Missy?</i>

369
00:15:16,750 --> 00:15:18,125
<i>Did you feel my buttocks?</i>

370
00:15:18,208 --> 00:15:21,666
<i>Oh God. I'm so sorry, Mr. Fillion.
I couldn't resist.</i>

371
00:15:21,750 --> 00:15:25,208
<i>No, no, I get it.
I miss those meat mountains myself.</i>

372
00:15:25,291 --> 00:15:26,833
<i>-Uh, Missy?
-Elijah.</i>

373
00:15:26,916 --> 00:15:29,708
<i>Uh, who's the white dude
with the high butt,</i>

374
00:15:29,791 --> 00:15:31,000
<i>and why does he know my name?</i>

375
00:15:31,083 --> 00:15:33,791
<i>Wait, you don't know
who Nathan Fillion is?</i>

376
00:15:33,875 --> 00:15:37,416
<i>Go ask your mother, young man.
I guarantee she knows.</i>

377
00:15:37,500 --> 00:15:41,291
<i>[chuckles] Okay. But, Missy,
can we actually talk privately?</i>

378
00:15:41,375 --> 00:15:43,166
<i>-It's kind of important.
-Oh, God, Mona.</i>

379
00:15:43,250 --> 00:15:46,166
<i>-Do you think Elijah's here to dump me?
-Of course he is,</i>

380
00:15:46,250 --> 00:15:48,958
<i>'cause he finds you
so physically repulsive.</i>

381
00:15:49,041 --> 00:15:52,208
<i>Well, if it's personal in nature,</i>

382
00:15:52,291 --> 00:15:55,208
<i>I think Nathan
should stick around for this.</i>

383
00:15:55,291 --> 00:15:58,166
<i>Yes. I should... I should probably stay.</i>

384
00:15:58,250 --> 00:16:01,333
<i>Uh, dang. There's no way
I could've prepared for this.</i>

385
00:16:01,916 --> 00:16:04,500
<i>You really screwed up
with that car-wash nonsense.</i>

386
00:16:04,583 --> 00:16:09,125
<i>Me? You screwed up with Mom
every day for the past 20 years.</i>

387
00:16:09,208 --> 00:16:11,833
<i>I mean, do you really even care
about her anymore?</i>

388
00:16:11,916 --> 00:16:14,083
<i>Of course I care about her, you idiot.</i>

389
00:16:14,166 --> 00:16:15,791
<i>I love her, and I admire her.</i>

390
00:16:15,875 --> 00:16:19,333
<i>You don't know what you'd do without her.</i>

391
00:16:19,416 --> 00:16:22,041
<i>Exactly. She's my whole life.</i>

392
00:16:22,125 --> 00:16:24,083
<i>You gotta tell her that, Dad.</i>

393
00:16:24,166 --> 00:16:26,000
<i>I can't tell her that.</i>

394
00:16:26,083 --> 00:16:28,875
<i>What if I do,
and she still doesn't want me?</i>

395
00:16:28,958 --> 00:16:30,666
<i>Then... I'm nothing.</i>

396
00:16:30,750 --> 00:16:33,875
<i>Andrew, if your father can't tell
your mother how he really feels,</i>

397
00:16:33,958 --> 00:16:35,375
<i>then maybe you can.</i>

398
00:16:35,458 --> 00:16:37,083
<i>You mean, use his body?</i>

399
00:16:37,166 --> 00:16:38,458
<i>To fuck Susan.</i>

400
00:16:38,541 --> 00:16:41,083
<i>Finally. We're all on the same page.</i>

401
00:16:41,166 --> 00:16:44,208
<i>Ooh, I'll get a scrunchie
to tie back your father's balls.</i>

402
00:16:44,291 --> 00:16:45,791
<i>Ow! Oh!</i>

403
00:16:45,875 --> 00:16:48,833
<i>I'm sorry I bashed your skull through
a bakery display, Steve,</i>

404
00:16:48,916 --> 00:16:50,458
<i>but I'm not a magician anymore.</i>

405
00:16:50,541 --> 00:16:53,291
<i>-Well, then, who are you?
-Uh, I'm Jay.</i>

406
00:16:53,375 --> 00:16:57,208
<i>No, the Jay I know is a sweet boy
who loves magic.</i>

407
00:16:57,291 --> 00:17:00,041
<i>But maybe you're not that Jay anymore.</i>

408
00:17:00,125 --> 00:17:03,208
<i>[gasps] Maybe you're Jay Leno?</i>

409
00:17:03,291 --> 00:17:04,958
<i>What? I'm not Jay Leno.</i>

410
00:17:05,041 --> 00:17:06,708
<i>Then who are you?</i>

411
00:17:06,791 --> 00:17:08,833
<i>Okay, Steve, I get what you're doing.</i>

412
00:17:08,916 --> 00:17:11,125
<i>What am I doing?
Help me. I don't know who I am.</i>

413
00:17:11,208 --> 00:17:15,416
<i>You want me to go help the sorcerers
do magic and bring back Gary.</i>

414
00:17:15,500 --> 00:17:19,166
<i>No, I just want you
to bring back my friend Jay.</i>

415
00:17:19,250 --> 00:17:22,333
<i>You mean, like, the Jay who loves magic</i>

416
00:17:22,416 --> 00:17:24,375
<i>and running naked in the woods?</i>

417
00:17:24,458 --> 00:17:27,416
<i>Yeah, the Jay who's my bestest buddy.</i>

418
00:17:27,500 --> 00:17:29,000
<i>I miss that guy.</i>

419
00:17:29,083 --> 00:17:31,208
<i>I think I miss that guy too.</i>

420
00:17:31,291 --> 00:17:34,583
<i>Because I am a magician, Steve.</i>

421
00:17:34,666 --> 00:17:36,541
<i>It's in my bones.</i>

422
00:17:36,625 --> 00:17:38,125
<i>Especially my dick bone.</i>

423
00:17:38,208 --> 00:17:39,916
<i>You mean</i> our dick bone.</i>

424
00:17:40,000 --> 00:17:41,125
<i>Exactly.</i>

425
00:17:41,208 --> 00:17:44,791
<i>Now let's go save Gary
from the Bread Bowl Realm!</i>

426
00:17:44,875 --> 00:17:48,458
<i>All right. Leno's back, baby. Team Coco!</i>

427
00:17:48,541 --> 00:17:49,708
<i>All right, old man.</i>

428
00:17:49,791 --> 00:17:52,541
<i>Ready for Hard Daddy
to pop those Snapple caps?</i>

429
00:17:52,625 --> 00:17:57,333
<i>Actually, son, I thought maybe instead of
brutalizing each other's nipples today,</i>

430
00:17:57,416 --> 00:18:00,166
<i>-we might, uh... caress them?
-Caress them?</i>

431
00:18:00,250 --> 00:18:05,291
<i>Because it's okay for men to be tender
with each other, right, Seamus?</i>

432
00:18:05,375 --> 00:18:06,458
<i>Yeah.</i>

433
00:18:06,541 --> 00:18:09,333
<i>You're always telling me that.
I mean, telling Nick that.</i>

434
00:18:09,416 --> 00:18:10,833
<i>Well, okay.</i>

435
00:18:10,916 --> 00:18:13,291
<i>I guess I could
gently squeeze my father's grapes</i>

436
00:18:13,375 --> 00:18:14,791
<i>before I rip them off the vine.</i>

437
00:18:14,875 --> 00:18:20,250
<i>You know, Elliot, I've always acted
like your softness was weakness,</i>

438
00:18:20,333 --> 00:18:26,208
<i>but now I'm beginning to understand
your vulnerability is actually strength.</i>

439
00:18:26,291 --> 00:18:27,500
<i>No, it's not.</i>

440
00:18:27,583 --> 00:18:29,000
<i>Yes, it is.</i>

441
00:18:29,083 --> 00:18:30,708
<i>You were right all along,</i>

442
00:18:30,791 --> 00:18:34,125
<i>and I'm sorry I never said it before, but...</i>

443
00:18:34,208 --> 00:18:36,458
<i>I love you, Elliot Birch.</i>

444
00:18:36,541 --> 00:18:38,250
<i>Oh my God.</i>

445
00:18:38,333 --> 00:18:40,833
<i>I've been waiting so long
to hear you say that.</i>

446
00:18:40,916 --> 00:18:43,833
<i>And this is exactly
how I pictured it happening.</i>

447
00:18:43,916 --> 00:18:47,166
<i>Except we're not sitting face-to-face
on the same horse.</i>

448
00:18:47,250 --> 00:18:52,333
<i>Missy, it's kind of weird to talk to you
about this in front of... him.</i>

449
00:18:52,416 --> 00:18:55,416
<i>Well, anything you can say to me,</i> Missy</i><i>,</i>

450
00:18:55,500 --> 00:18:59,041
<i>you can say to Nathan Fillion,
a world-class actor,</i>

451
00:18:59,125 --> 00:19:01,458
<i>wealthy enough
to hire his own penis cleaner,</i>

452
00:19:01,541 --> 00:19:03,958
<i>but humble enough to do it himself.</i>

453
00:19:04,041 --> 00:19:07,666
<i>Yeah, Elijah,
we both really care about you.</i>

454
00:19:07,750 --> 00:19:09,208
<i>Okay, sir.</i>

455
00:19:09,291 --> 00:19:10,875
<i>[chuckles] Okay.</i>

456
00:19:11,666 --> 00:19:13,416
<i>Here it goes. [exhales]</i>

457
00:19:13,500 --> 00:19:15,625
<i>I love hanging out with you, Missy.</i>

458
00:19:15,708 --> 00:19:17,708
<i>I really love holding hands with you too,</i>

459
00:19:17,791 --> 00:19:20,208
<i>but I think that might be it for me.</i>

460
00:19:20,708 --> 00:19:22,916
<i>Like... physically.</i>

461
00:19:23,000 --> 00:19:24,916
<i>Because you don't think I'm pretty?</i>

462
00:19:25,000 --> 00:19:27,416
<i>Please, sir. This is hard enough.
Could you stop talking to me?</i>

463
00:19:27,500 --> 00:19:31,916
<i>I think what</i> Nathan means
is you don't think I'm pretty.</i>

464
00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:34,125
<i>No, no, it's not that at all.</i>

465
00:19:34,208 --> 00:19:36,833
<i>It... I... I think you're beautiful.</i>

466
00:19:36,916 --> 00:19:37,750
<i>It's just...</i>

467
00:19:38,250 --> 00:19:40,833
<i>I'm... asexual.</i>

468
00:19:40,916 --> 00:19:41,875
<i>Oh!</i>

469
00:19:41,958 --> 00:19:43,708
<i>Oh, so it's not about me.</i>

470
00:19:43,791 --> 00:19:45,166
<i>None of this is about you!</i>

471
00:19:45,250 --> 00:19:46,875
<i>But, Missy... [sighs]</i>

472
00:19:46,958 --> 00:19:48,500
<i>...I really like being with you.</i>

473
00:19:48,583 --> 00:19:51,208
<i>And I hope me being asexual
doesn't mean we have to break up.</i>

474
00:19:51,291 --> 00:19:55,333
<i>Well, I'd love to respond to you,
of course...</i>

475
00:19:55,416 --> 00:19:57,458
<i>But I think it might be better if I did.</i>

476
00:19:57,541 --> 00:19:59,125
<i>What the fuck, man?</i>

477
00:19:59,208 --> 00:20:00,333
<i>[knock on door]</i>

478
00:20:00,416 --> 00:20:02,083
<i>What do you want from me now, Marty?</i>

479
00:20:02,166 --> 00:20:04,500
<i>I don't want anything from you, Barbara.</i>

480
00:20:04,583 --> 00:20:06,666
<i>I'd actually like to offer you something.</i>

481
00:20:07,208 --> 00:20:09,125
<i>-An apology.
-Oh.</i>

482
00:20:09,208 --> 00:20:10,291
<i>Okay...</i>

483
00:20:10,375 --> 00:20:12,625
<i>I've been stubborn and selfish.</i>

484
00:20:12,708 --> 00:20:15,500
<i>And nasty, and loud, and cheap, and...</i>

485
00:20:15,583 --> 00:20:16,875
<i>And I'm sorry.</i>

486
00:20:16,958 --> 00:20:18,458
<i>-You see, I felt...
-I felt threatened</i>

487
00:20:18,541 --> 00:20:21,958
<i>that you wanted more
after all these years, because...</i>

488
00:20:22,041 --> 00:20:25,500
<i>I thought that
I might not be enough for you anymore.</i>

489
00:20:25,583 --> 00:20:26,500
<i>Marty...</i>

490
00:20:26,583 --> 00:20:29,833
<i>And even though I think
synagogue is a waste of time</i>

491
00:20:29,916 --> 00:20:32,458
<i>-and God's a total asshole...
-God's a total asshole.</i>

492
00:20:32,541 --> 00:20:34,375
<i>-Dad!
-Sorry, sorry.</i>

493
00:20:34,458 --> 00:20:38,166
<i>The truth is, I admire you for growing...</i>

494
00:20:38,250 --> 00:20:39,916
<i>And being your own woman.</i>

495
00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:42,125
<i>How come you never said this before?</i>

496
00:20:42,208 --> 00:20:43,458
<i>Um...</i>

497
00:20:43,541 --> 00:20:44,958
<i>'Cause I'm a rotten guy?</i>

498
00:20:45,041 --> 00:20:47,500
<i>No, you idiot. Because I was scared.</i>

499
00:20:47,583 --> 00:20:50,208
<i>Right. It's because
I didn't wanna seem weak.</i>

500
00:20:50,291 --> 00:20:54,125
<i>But the only thing that matters now
is that you know how much I love you.</i>

501
00:20:54,208 --> 00:20:56,958
<i>Oh, Marty, I love you too.</i>

502
00:20:57,041 --> 00:20:58,500
<i>Good work, schmendrick.</i>

503
00:20:58,583 --> 00:21:02,500
<i>Marty, your apology
got me all hot and bothered.</i>

504
00:21:02,583 --> 00:21:03,541
<i>Oh God, it did?</i>

505
00:21:03,625 --> 00:21:05,041
<i>-Yeah.
-[Andrew] Wait, no.</i>

506
00:21:05,125 --> 00:21:08,875
<i>And you're still wearing
those spicy little shorts. [grunts]</i>

507
00:21:08,958 --> 00:21:10,666
<i>-Ah!
-But not for long.</i>

508
00:21:10,750 --> 00:21:13,333
<i>Oh Shit. Oh, Maury, what do I do?</i>

509
00:21:13,416 --> 00:21:16,166
<i>Um, I think
you might have to fuck your mom.</i>

510
00:21:16,250 --> 00:21:17,791
<i>What? Oh no.</i>

511
00:21:17,875 --> 00:21:19,458
<i>No, Flanny, tell him he's crazy.</i>

512
00:21:19,541 --> 00:21:21,166
<i>Andrew, I'm afraid Maury might be correct.</i>

513
00:21:21,250 --> 00:21:22,833
<i>Oh shit!</i>

514
00:21:22,916 --> 00:21:26,625
<i>-Here I come, big boy.
-Cowabunga.</i>

515
00:21:26,708 --> 00:21:30,958
<i>[chanting] Arenap. Arenap. Arenap.</i>

516
00:21:31,041 --> 00:21:34,750
<i>What in the sweet fucking hell
are you fairies doing?</i>

517
00:21:34,833 --> 00:21:37,458
<i>Stop tickling each other's teats
and act like men.</i>

518
00:21:37,541 --> 00:21:38,541
<i>Don't listen to him.</i>

519
00:21:38,625 --> 00:21:40,416
<i>Choose love, Elliot.</i>

520
00:21:40,500 --> 00:21:41,875
<i>Because that's what real men do.</i>

521
00:21:41,958 --> 00:21:43,208
<i>[magicians chanting]</i> Arenap.</i>

522
00:21:43,291 --> 00:21:46,250
<i>Oh, God, Mona. What should I tell Elijah?</i>

523
00:21:46,333 --> 00:21:49,333
<i>Well, he likes you
and thinks you're beautiful.</i>

524
00:21:49,416 --> 00:21:51,250
<i>Yeah, I guess he does.</i>

525
00:21:51,333 --> 00:21:54,708
<i>But he doesn't want
to french your brains out.</i>

526
00:21:54,791 --> 00:21:56,333
<i>Are you okay with that?</i>

527
00:21:56,416 --> 00:21:58,833
<i>Oh, Maury. Is this actually gonna happen?</i>

528
00:21:58,916 --> 00:22:02,333
<i>Just go with it.
Remember, you've been in there before.</i>

529
00:22:02,416 --> 00:22:04,541
<i>Here, Andrew, bite down on this.</i>

530
00:22:04,625 --> 00:22:07,583
<i>Real men aren't lovey-dovey pansies.</i>

531
00:22:07,666 --> 00:22:09,291
<i>You're all pathetic.</i>

532
00:22:09,375 --> 00:22:12,291
<i>Oh, Nicky. I've been setting
such a bad example.</i>

533
00:22:12,375 --> 00:22:16,208
<i>I was only acting like Hard Daddy
to get my father's love.</i>

534
00:22:16,291 --> 00:22:17,541
<i>You were?</i>

535
00:22:17,625 --> 00:22:19,333
<i>Yes. But the truth is,</i>

536
00:22:19,416 --> 00:22:22,375
<i>the only way to get love is to give love.</i>

537
00:22:22,458 --> 00:22:26,750
<i>And, Nicky, your Soft Daddy
loves you very much.</i>

538
00:22:26,833 --> 00:22:28,416
<i>I love you too.</i>

539
00:22:28,500 --> 00:22:32,541
<i>Arenap. Arenap. Arenap.</i>

540
00:22:32,625 --> 00:22:35,833
<i>Nathan, what do you think I would say?</i>

541
00:22:35,916 --> 00:22:37,583
<i>Arenap.</i>

542
00:22:37,666 --> 00:22:40,833
<i>-[cries]
-[groans] I feel so helpless, Greg.</i>

543
00:22:40,916 --> 00:22:43,000
<i>We don't know what you want.</i>

544
00:22:43,083 --> 00:22:45,958
<i>[Jessi]</i> I wanna burp! I wanna fart!</i>

545
00:22:46,041 --> 00:22:49,125
<i>Andrew, wait. Have you thought
about where you're gonna finish?</i>

546
00:22:49,208 --> 00:22:50,708
<i>-What?
-Have mercy, Maury.</i>

547
00:22:50,791 --> 00:22:53,083
<i>Hey, I'm just trying to do my goddamn job.</i>

548
00:22:53,166 --> 00:22:55,791
<i>-[chanting] Arenap.
-Holy bread bowli.</i>

549
00:22:55,875 --> 00:22:57,666
<i>[Jay]</i> It's working.</i>

550
00:22:57,750 --> 00:22:59,083
<i>I think you'd say...</i>

551
00:22:59,166 --> 00:23:01,625
<i>Elijah, I accept you for who you are</i>

552
00:23:01,708 --> 00:23:04,208
<i>and very much
want to remain your girlfriend,</i>

553
00:23:04,291 --> 00:23:05,750
<i>if you'll have me... have her.</i>

554
00:23:05,833 --> 00:23:07,458
<i>Missy, who is not me.</i>

555
00:23:07,541 --> 00:23:08,583
<i>Is that true, Missy?</i>

556
00:23:08,666 --> 00:23:11,500
<i>Yes, I want to be your girlfriend.</i>

557
00:23:11,583 --> 00:23:15,333
<i>[magicians chanting]</i>
Arenap. Arenap. Arenap.</i>

558
00:23:15,416 --> 00:23:17,333
<i>We're doing it!</i>

559
00:23:17,416 --> 00:23:19,083
<i>Hug him back, you little old drunk.</i>

560
00:23:19,166 --> 00:23:21,541
<i>Oh, for fuck's sake. All right.</i>

561
00:23:21,625 --> 00:23:23,000
<i>[magicians]</i> Arenap.</i>

562
00:23:23,083 --> 00:23:25,791
<i>[both grunting]</i>

563
00:23:26,666 --> 00:23:27,666
<i>[chanting]</i> Arenap.</i>

564
00:23:27,750 --> 00:23:30,833
<i>What's everyone up to this weekend?</i>

565
00:23:30,916 --> 00:23:33,625
<i>[Jessi]</i> Connie,</i>
I don't wanna be a baby anymore.</i>

566
00:23:33,708 --> 00:23:36,583
<i>But won't you miss
those baby bubble baths?</i>

567
00:23:36,666 --> 00:23:38,375
<i>[Jessi]</i> I wanna give myself my own baths.</i>

568
00:23:38,458 --> 00:23:40,125
<i>Yeah, with a showerhead.</i>

569
00:23:40,208 --> 00:23:42,625
<i>[Jessi]</i> I want my old life back.</i>

570
00:23:42,708 --> 00:23:45,333
<i>[magicians chanting]</i> Arenap. Arenap.</i>

571
00:23:45,416 --> 00:23:48,583
<i>Oh, gross. Why do babies
suck on their own feet?</i>

572
00:23:48,666 --> 00:23:50,916
<i>Because, honestly, once you get older,</i>

573
00:23:51,000 --> 00:23:52,875
<i>it's just, like, hard to find the time.</i>

574
00:23:52,958 --> 00:23:56,041
<i>My pervert son is about to schtup my wife.</i>

575
00:23:56,125 --> 00:23:57,833
<i>What do I do? What do I do?
Do I go in there?</i>

576
00:23:57,916 --> 00:23:59,791
<i>I love you, Marty.</i>

577
00:23:59,875 --> 00:24:02,458
<i>Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. Whoa!</i>

578
00:24:03,250 --> 00:24:04,625
<i>[grunts]</i>

579
00:24:05,166 --> 00:24:06,458
<i>Oh, I'm back.</i>

580
00:24:06,541 --> 00:24:07,625
<i>Oh, me too.</i>

581
00:24:07,708 --> 00:24:09,708
<i>Andrew, are you spying on us?</i>

582
00:24:09,791 --> 00:24:12,625
<i>No, no, I was just... just listening.</i>

583
00:24:12,708 --> 00:24:15,083
<i>I told you he was disgusting, Barbara.</i>

584
00:24:15,166 --> 00:24:17,875
<i>Relax, pervert, I'll take it from here.</i>

585
00:24:18,375 --> 00:24:19,666
<i>-Oof.
-[grunts]</i>

586
00:24:19,750 --> 00:24:21,083
<i>Arenap.</i>

587
00:24:21,166 --> 00:24:22,416
<i>He's back!</i>

588
00:24:22,500 --> 00:24:23,833
<i>Is this heaven?</i>

589
00:24:23,916 --> 00:24:25,750
<i>Better. It's a Panera.</i>

590
00:24:26,666 --> 00:24:27,625
<i>[groans]</i>

591
00:24:27,708 --> 00:24:30,333
<i>Oh, that was crazy, huh, Jay?</i>

592
00:24:30,416 --> 00:24:33,333
<i>Mr. Leno?
Knock, knock, you still in there?</i>

593
00:24:34,625 --> 00:24:36,416
<i>-[groans] Oh.
-[growling]</i>

594
00:24:36,500 --> 00:24:40,166
<i>Hey, guys. Sick bones. [chuckles]</i>

595
00:24:40,250 --> 00:24:42,625
<i>Wait. I'm a wolf too. See?</i>

596
00:24:42,708 --> 00:24:46,333
<i>Pillow-fucking magician wolf!</i>

597
00:24:46,416 --> 00:24:48,416
<i>[howling]</i>

598
00:24:50,375 --> 00:24:53,458
<i>Oh, it's so good
to be back in my own body.</i>

599
00:24:53,541 --> 00:24:54,958
<i>Speak for yourself.</i>

600
00:24:55,041 --> 00:24:58,458
<i>Someone get me some booze
to dull the pain.</i>

601
00:24:58,541 --> 00:24:59,916
<i>I'm as dry as a bone.</i>

602
00:25:00,000 --> 00:25:02,333
<i>-Well, I, for one, am not dry.
-Ugh.</i>

603
00:25:02,416 --> 00:25:06,125
<i>What do you say we go upstairs
and make Soft Daddy hard again?</i>

604
00:25:06,208 --> 00:25:08,166
<i>Two words, carry me.</i>

605
00:25:08,250 --> 00:25:11,083
<i>Oh, no, Nicorice.
Your mom's trying to fuck you.</i>

606
00:25:11,166 --> 00:25:14,125
<i>What? No, I was never even
in my dad's body, you fucking idiot.</i>

607
00:25:14,208 --> 00:25:16,958
<i>So you think your mom
is trying to fuck me?</i>

608
00:25:17,041 --> 00:25:19,166
<i>[chuckles] Cowabunga, baby.</i>

609
00:25:19,250 --> 00:25:22,458
<i>-Shh, shh, shh!
-Dad, Caitlin, the baby has gas.</i>

610
00:25:22,541 --> 00:25:26,750
<i>Oh, of course, because she's a baby.</i>

611
00:25:26,833 --> 00:25:30,166
<i>-[burps and farts]
-There you go, you little fart factory.</i>

612
00:25:30,250 --> 00:25:31,541
<i>That feels better, right?</i>

613
00:25:31,625 --> 00:25:34,833
<i>Delilah is really lucky
to have you as a big sister.</i>

614
00:25:34,916 --> 00:25:38,125
<i>Mama, do you think
you'll ever want another baby?</i>

615
00:25:38,208 --> 00:25:42,833
<i>Oh, sweetie.
It was a real struggle to even want you.</i>

616
00:25:42,916 --> 00:25:44,750
<i>Before you go, Mr. Fillion,</i>

617
00:25:44,833 --> 00:25:48,750
<i>I just want to say I am sorry
for putting you through all of this.</i>

618
00:25:48,833 --> 00:25:51,708
<i>Oh, no need, Missy.
This was the role of a lifetime.</i>

619
00:25:52,208 --> 00:25:53,958
<i>Good luck, you two. Taxi.</i>

620
00:25:54,041 --> 00:25:55,916
<i>One adult, please. To the set of...</i>

621
00:25:56,000 --> 00:25:57,250
{\an8}<i>The Rookie.</i>

622
00:25:57,333 --> 00:25:59,750
<i>-[Barbara] Oh, Marty.
-[Marty] Oh, yeah.</i>

623
00:25:59,833 --> 00:26:03,000
<i>Barbara, you haven't been
this damp in years.</i>

624
00:26:03,083 --> 00:26:05,125
<i>It's like a cellar down here.</i>

625
00:26:05,208 --> 00:26:06,333
<i>Maury, do you think...</i>

626
00:26:06,416 --> 00:26:10,708
<i>That you pre-gamed your mom for your dad?
Yes. Yes, I do.</i>

627
00:26:10,791 --> 00:26:11,750
<i>Ugh.</i>

628
00:26:11,833 --> 00:26:13,291
<i>I'm very proud of you, Andrew.</i>

629
00:26:13,375 --> 00:26:16,166
<i>You know what? I'm very proud of myself.</i>

630
00:26:16,250 --> 00:26:18,916
<i>-[Barbara] Oh, Marty.
-[Marty] Cowabunga!</i>

631
00:26:19,000 --> 00:26:21,333
<i>♪ Body, ody, ody, ody
Ody, ody, ody, ody ♪</i>

632
00:26:21,416 --> 00:26:23,791
<i>♪ Ody, ody, ody
Ody, ody, ody, ody ♪</i>

633
00:26:23,875 --> 00:26:26,541
<i>♪ Body crazy, curvy, wavy
Big tittles, little waist ♪</i>

634
00:26:26,625 --> 00:26:29,041
<i>♪ Body crazy, curvy, wavy
Big tittles, little waist ♪</i>

635
00:26:29,125 --> 00:26:31,583
<i>♪ Body, ody, ody, ody
Ody, ody, ody, ody ♪</i>

636
00:26:31,666 --> 00:26:33,833
<i>♪ Ody, ody, ody
Ody, ody, ody, ody ♪</i>

637
00:26:33,916 --> 00:26:36,083
<i>♪ Look how I bodied that
Ate it up and gave it back ♪</i>

638
00:26:36,166 --> 00:26:38,666
<i>♪ Yeah, you look good
But they still wanna know where Megan at ♪</i>

639
00:26:38,750 --> 00:26:41,208
<i>♪ Saucy like a barbecue
But you won't get your baby back ♪</i>

640
00:26:41,291 --> 00:26:43,708
<i>♪ See me in that dress
And he feel like he almost tasted that ♪</i>

641
00:26:43,791 --> 00:26:46,333
<i>♪ Num, num, num, num, eat it up
Foreplay, okay, three, two, one ♪</i>

642
00:26:46,416 --> 00:26:48,750
<i>♪ You know I'm the hottest
You ain't gotta heat me up ♪</i>

643
00:26:48,833 --> 00:26:51,416
<i>♪ I'm present when I'm absent
Speaking when I'm not there ♪</i>

644
00:26:51,500 --> 00:26:54,583
<i>♪ All 'em bitches scary cats
I call 'em Carole Baskins, ah! ♪</i>

645
00:26:54,666 --> 00:26:56,833
<i>♪ Body, ody, ody, ody
Ody, ody, ody, ody ♪</i>

646
00:26:56,916 --> 00:26:57,791
<i>-♪ Ah ♪
-♪ Ooh ♪</i>

647
00:27:01,375 --> 00:27:02,916
<i>♪ Ody, ody, ody, ody ♪</i>

648
00:27:04,000 --> 00:27:04,916
<i>♪ Muah ♪</i>