1 00:00:08,717 --> 00:00:11,094 -Ugh, Christmas sucked! 2 00:00:11,177 --> 00:00:13,346 You got the worst presents! 3 00:00:13,430 --> 00:00:15,765 Nicky, I don't hear you packing in there. 4 00:00:15,849 --> 00:00:18,768 And now I have to go on this garbage-ass ski vacation 5 00:00:18,852 --> 00:00:22,147 at a garbage-ass luxury resort with my garbage-ass family. 6 00:00:22,230 --> 00:00:26,151 And don't forget, Andrew's garbage ass is coming too. 7 00:00:26,234 --> 00:00:29,404 Also, I'm excited to go on a big fancy airplane 8 00:00:29,487 --> 00:00:31,531 and touch all the buttons around your seat. 9 00:00:31,614 --> 00:00:33,074 Am I doing hate right? 10 00:00:33,158 --> 00:00:33,992 No! 11 00:00:34,075 --> 00:00:35,702 Okay, I love you guys. 12 00:00:35,785 --> 00:00:38,955 Ooh, Leah, I can't believe you're gonna finally fuck Val! 13 00:00:39,039 --> 00:00:41,374 Yeah, I'm just going to do it. Right, Bonnie? 14 00:00:41,458 --> 00:00:43,960 I mean, everyone knows the first time sucks anyway. 15 00:00:44,044 --> 00:00:44,878 Well, hold on. 16 00:00:44,961 --> 00:00:49,132 Like my sister Connie says, sex is supposed to be savored, 17 00:00:49,215 --> 00:00:51,259 like a precious little ravioli. 18 00:00:51,342 --> 00:00:53,053 What? I didn't know you had a sister. 19 00:00:53,136 --> 00:00:55,972 Oh, yeah, me and Connie are Gemini twins. 20 00:00:56,056 --> 00:00:57,515 We came out sixty-nining. 21 00:00:57,599 --> 00:00:59,142 Okay. 22 00:00:59,225 --> 00:01:03,396 Your pussy-eating sister aside, it's probably not gonna be good, right? 23 00:01:03,480 --> 00:01:04,439 I don't know. 24 00:01:04,522 --> 00:01:08,651 Val did promise your little brother he's gonna boink you till you happy cry. 25 00:01:08,735 --> 00:01:10,528 -Huh. -And I want that for you. 26 00:01:10,612 --> 00:01:11,571 Okay, yeah. 27 00:01:11,654 --> 00:01:13,448 Maybe it will be good. All right. 28 00:01:13,531 --> 00:01:16,284 I'm gonna lose my virginity to Val Bilzerian. 29 00:01:16,367 --> 00:01:17,952 No, no, no! 30 00:01:18,036 --> 00:01:20,872 You're gonna win your virginity to Val Bilzerian. 31 00:01:20,955 --> 00:01:23,333 Oh, shit, we talking about virginity? 32 00:01:23,416 --> 00:01:25,293 Giving, taking or returning? 33 00:01:25,376 --> 00:01:28,379 Connie LaCienega, what the heck are you doing here? 34 00:01:28,463 --> 00:01:31,841 Well, Bonnie LaCienega, I wanted to give you a heads-up 35 00:01:31,925 --> 00:01:34,302 that Maury's also going on the trip. 36 00:01:34,385 --> 00:01:38,890 Do you think you two can be civil with each other for once? For me? 37 00:01:38,973 --> 00:01:40,767 Your sixty-nining twin sister? 38 00:01:40,850 --> 00:01:43,561 Connie, the dude is a deadbeat! 39 00:01:43,645 --> 00:01:45,563 You'd fuck him if you got to know him. 40 00:01:45,647 --> 00:01:48,525 Okay. Did he or did he not use your credit card 41 00:01:48,608 --> 00:01:52,028 to buy a $100,000 baby Beanie Feldstein Beanie Baby? 42 00:01:52,112 --> 00:01:55,281 That baby Beanie Beanie Baby was an investment, baby. 43 00:01:55,365 --> 00:01:59,119 Baby, between you and me, he shouldn't have bought that baby Beanie Beanie Baby. 44 00:01:59,202 --> 00:02:01,913 Well, this is not the Jonah Hill I will die on. 45 00:02:01,996 --> 00:02:03,456 Have a good trip! 46 00:02:37,407 --> 00:02:40,243 Mmm! Mott's spicy tomato juice. 47 00:02:40,326 --> 00:02:42,412 And look, Madagascar 4! 48 00:02:43,621 --> 00:02:45,790 This is the Birch life, Nicky baby. 49 00:02:45,874 --> 00:02:48,835 Ugh! His feet smell like salad dressing. 50 00:02:48,918 --> 00:02:50,879 Leah, did you remember to bring your skates? 51 00:02:50,962 --> 00:02:51,838 Yes, Mom. 52 00:02:51,921 --> 00:02:54,048 Val, you have to see Leah ice skate. 53 00:02:54,132 --> 00:02:57,802 She's been obsessed with it ever since I took her to see Broad City on Ice. 54 00:02:57,886 --> 00:03:00,180 Mmm, I would love to see Leah on ice. 55 00:03:00,263 --> 00:03:03,099 Oh, yeah? You want to go ice skating with me? 56 00:03:03,183 --> 00:03:05,518 I want to whack your knees with a pipe. 57 00:03:05,602 --> 00:03:08,855 Ooh! Let's go join the mile high club! 58 00:03:08,938 --> 00:03:11,691 I'm not losing my virginity in an airplane bathroom. 59 00:03:11,774 --> 00:03:14,235 Besides, Andrew's already been in there twice, 60 00:03:14,319 --> 00:03:15,820 and he had all that tomato juice. 61 00:03:15,904 --> 00:03:18,865 What, you don't like to fuck in small places that smell like shit? 62 00:03:18,948 --> 00:03:22,785 Maury, your gross, marinara-guzzlin' kid is ruining this trip. 63 00:03:22,869 --> 00:03:25,496 What do you got against tomato juice? It's delicious. 64 00:03:25,580 --> 00:03:27,415 It tastes like a vegetable's period. 65 00:03:27,498 --> 00:03:28,833 I don't know, Elliot. 66 00:03:28,917 --> 00:03:32,128 It seems early for Leah to be bringing a boyfriend on a trip. 67 00:03:32,212 --> 00:03:34,047 What if they have sex this weekend? 68 00:03:34,130 --> 00:03:35,715 Diane Keaton Birch. 69 00:03:35,798 --> 00:03:39,719 When we became parents, we took a test, and that test came back sex-positive. 70 00:03:39,802 --> 00:03:41,763 I just don't know if I'm ready. 71 00:03:41,846 --> 00:03:43,806 -If Leah's ready, we're ready. -Ugh. 72 00:03:43,890 --> 00:03:48,269 And I for one can't wait to break my daddy hymen. Boop. 73 00:03:49,312 --> 00:03:52,815 -"Hello! My name is Lola Skumpy. 74 00:03:52,899 --> 00:03:54,901 I'm legally obligated to inform you 75 00:03:54,984 --> 00:03:59,197 that I am a registered 'sex offender' for doing revenge porn." 76 00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:01,199 But, like, in a totally hilarious way 77 00:04:01,282 --> 00:04:03,785 that has most of the people at home rooting for me. 78 00:04:03,868 --> 00:04:06,996 I'm, like, L-O-Ling for real. L-O-L Lola. 79 00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:08,289 Psst! Hey, kid, over here. 80 00:04:08,373 --> 00:04:10,875 Okay, look, man, I'm banned from that magic store, 81 00:04:10,959 --> 00:04:14,712 so just go in there and buy me a--a couple of linking rings, maybe? 82 00:04:14,796 --> 00:04:16,839 Limerick, don't talk to that creepy magician. 83 00:04:16,923 --> 00:04:18,633 Well, joke's on you, lady. 84 00:04:18,716 --> 00:04:20,885 'Cause I'm not a magician anymore. 85 00:04:20,969 --> 00:04:22,887 I broke the sacred code! 86 00:04:22,971 --> 00:04:25,682 Well, well, well, look at what the cat shit out. 87 00:04:25,765 --> 00:04:28,059 I bet you want to, like, throttle me right now. 88 00:04:28,142 --> 00:04:32,063 No, Lola. I don't want to do anything to you anymore. 89 00:04:32,146 --> 00:04:37,694 I'm just a loose, empty foreskin with, ta-da, no coin inside. You win. 90 00:04:37,777 --> 00:04:40,113 Alas, like the war on drugs, 91 00:04:40,196 --> 00:04:44,575 I might have won, but, like, at what cost? 92 00:04:46,661 --> 00:04:50,123 You guys, holy shit! There's a phone in the bathroom. 93 00:04:50,206 --> 00:04:52,125 Ooh, let's use it to call for movie times. 94 00:04:52,208 --> 00:04:55,670 -Well, see you later, everybody. -Whoa, whoa. Where are you two going? 95 00:04:55,753 --> 00:04:58,715 -Uh, to our room? -I thought Val was sleeping with Judd. 96 00:04:58,798 --> 00:05:01,301 I'm sleeping in the woods. Peace, losers. 97 00:05:02,593 --> 00:05:05,972 There's only three rooms, and Dad said Val and I could have our own. 98 00:05:06,055 --> 00:05:07,765 Without consulting me? 99 00:05:07,849 --> 00:05:09,976 I thought I speak for you and you speak for me. 100 00:05:10,059 --> 00:05:11,311 Well, who said that? 101 00:05:11,394 --> 00:05:14,856 Well, I did, but I was speaking for you, so it was kind of like you said it to me. 102 00:05:14,939 --> 00:05:16,566 Okay. I'm going to take a bath. 103 00:05:16,649 --> 00:05:19,986 And Elliot? I will sprinkle my own rose petals on top. 104 00:05:20,069 --> 00:05:20,945 Oh, no. 105 00:05:21,029 --> 00:05:22,196 So how do you wanna do this? 106 00:05:22,280 --> 00:05:25,908 Connie and I usually just sleep in a pile with our thumb up each other's asses. 107 00:05:25,992 --> 00:05:28,911 Well, I hold myself to a higher standard than Connie. 108 00:05:28,995 --> 00:05:33,124 For example, she refers to herself as a hormone "monstress," 109 00:05:33,207 --> 00:05:35,710 whereas I prefer hormone "monster," 110 00:05:35,793 --> 00:05:38,254 You don't call a female doctor a "doctress." 111 00:05:38,338 --> 00:05:40,173 Oh, I most certainly do. 112 00:05:40,256 --> 00:05:42,342 But I don't call my dentist a "dentress." 113 00:05:42,425 --> 00:05:43,843 I call her my tooth barber. 114 00:05:43,926 --> 00:05:45,970 What do you call your dental hygienist? 115 00:05:46,054 --> 00:05:47,472 Tooth barber's little helper. 116 00:05:49,057 --> 00:05:52,852 Looks like I won't be needing my instruments of magic anymore. 117 00:05:52,935 --> 00:05:57,190 -Abraca-dumpster. -Hey, kid, I like tricks. 118 00:05:57,273 --> 00:05:59,192 I'll let you dazzle me. 119 00:05:59,275 --> 00:06:02,445 Really? Even though I'm a disbarred magician? 120 00:06:02,528 --> 00:06:05,490 Yeah, yeah, but first, you gotta do something for me. 121 00:06:05,573 --> 00:06:09,786 I want you to sit on me with no pants, like one of my college students. 122 00:06:09,869 --> 00:06:15,041 Okay, so if I rub my balls all over your face, 123 00:06:15,124 --> 00:06:16,709 then you'll pick a card for me? 124 00:06:16,793 --> 00:06:19,253 Sure, but my bed bugs get to watch. 125 00:06:19,337 --> 00:06:23,257 Yeah, fuck our futon like we're a couple of cuck-roaches. 126 00:06:23,341 --> 00:06:25,426 So the recipe calls for Monterey Jack, 127 00:06:25,510 --> 00:06:27,428 but you can do it with any shredded cheese. 128 00:06:27,512 --> 00:06:29,847 And you said you're putting all of this in a pair of panties? 129 00:06:29,931 --> 00:06:32,517 Yeah, it's a panties burrito. It's an easy weeknight meal. 130 00:06:32,600 --> 00:06:35,603 Oh, my God, Jay! What the fuck are you doing? 131 00:06:35,686 --> 00:06:38,606 I'm getting ready to dazzle this filthy futon. 132 00:06:38,689 --> 00:06:40,775 This is great. Jay has hit rock bottom. 133 00:06:40,858 --> 00:06:42,860 Perfect time for you to rock his bottom. 134 00:06:42,944 --> 00:06:46,197 Do I look like a Republican congressman in an airport bathroom? 135 00:06:46,280 --> 00:06:48,533 I'm not taking advantage of him, it's too sad. 136 00:06:48,616 --> 00:06:51,119 -Aw. -I think I actually wanna help him? 137 00:06:51,202 --> 00:06:52,912 Whoa, kinky! 138 00:06:52,995 --> 00:06:55,248 Jay, put on your pants. We're getting you cleaned up. 139 00:06:55,331 --> 00:06:59,085 No offense, Matthew, but I'm not worthy of a gay makeover montage. 140 00:06:59,168 --> 00:07:03,631 No offense taken, Jay, because I'm just gonna hose you down in my driveway. 141 00:07:03,714 --> 00:07:05,842 -Do my parents not even care 142 00:07:05,925 --> 00:07:08,302 that Val's gonna try to screw Leah tonight? 143 00:07:08,386 --> 00:07:11,055 Bad guys like him get away with everything! 144 00:07:11,139 --> 00:07:13,933 And meanwhile, you're stuck here with Dork Vader. 145 00:07:14,016 --> 00:07:16,227 Hey, Andrew, can you turn that stupid thing off? 146 00:07:16,310 --> 00:07:17,395 I definitely cannot. 147 00:07:17,478 --> 00:07:19,605 You see, without my pediatric CPAP machine, 148 00:07:19,689 --> 00:07:21,649 I'll choke myself to the edge of death. 149 00:07:21,732 --> 00:07:23,943 -But not in the way that he likes! 150 00:07:24,026 --> 00:07:26,487 So, shall we make-a da love? 151 00:07:26,571 --> 00:07:29,449 Why would you tell Leah she and Val could have their own room? 152 00:07:29,532 --> 00:07:32,743 Leah asked, and I could never say no to one of my kids, 153 00:07:32,827 --> 00:07:35,705 unless they asked me if I could possibly love them more. 154 00:07:35,788 --> 00:07:37,582 -Ugh. -And now for the love. 155 00:07:37,665 --> 00:07:40,042 I'm not "makin' da love," Elliot! 156 00:07:40,126 --> 00:07:41,919 I'm angry and I'm going to bed. 157 00:07:42,003 --> 00:07:45,423 No! If you go to bed angry, I won't be able to sleep, 158 00:07:45,506 --> 00:07:48,801 and then I won't have the energy to cherish you tomorrow. 159 00:07:48,885 --> 00:07:49,719 Oh… 160 00:07:50,970 --> 00:07:54,724 Well, he's been digging his dick into your hip for about 30 minutes, 161 00:07:54,807 --> 00:07:56,559 so I think he's ready if you are. 162 00:07:56,642 --> 00:08:00,354 Hey, it seems like it might be time to go "ice skating." 163 00:08:00,438 --> 00:08:03,065 Sure, but I'd rather have sex. 164 00:08:03,149 --> 00:08:04,150 Yeah, sex. 165 00:08:04,233 --> 00:08:05,943 I mean sex, Val. 166 00:08:06,027 --> 00:08:08,946 Yeah, I know, let me just put on my "ice knives". 167 00:08:09,030 --> 00:08:10,198 I--I mean, condom. 168 00:08:10,281 --> 00:08:12,575 The brand is Ice Knives. They're the biggest. 169 00:08:13,034 --> 00:08:15,161 -Okay, here we go. 170 00:08:15,244 --> 00:08:17,830 That's right, my little vodka potato. 171 00:08:17,914 --> 00:08:20,416 -Let's chicken his Kiev. -Whoa… 172 00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:22,543 Yeah. Okay, I can do this. 173 00:08:22,627 --> 00:08:27,006 -Ladies and gentlemen, let's fuck Leah! 174 00:08:27,089 --> 00:08:27,924 Whoa! 175 00:08:28,007 --> 00:08:29,175 -Now, where do I-- -Not there. 176 00:08:29,258 --> 00:08:31,636 -There, is that it? -Nope, excuse me, that's private. 177 00:08:31,719 --> 00:08:33,971 -Okay, that hurts a little… -¿Dónde está la biblioteca? 178 00:08:34,055 --> 00:08:35,181 Oh! You're in. 179 00:08:35,264 --> 00:08:37,225 We should start with simple move. 180 00:08:37,308 --> 00:08:40,019 Make trip around rink, wave to judges. 181 00:08:40,937 --> 00:08:42,939 -Careful! -Yeah! You like that? 182 00:08:43,022 --> 00:08:45,900 Um, yeah, it's okay. 183 00:08:45,983 --> 00:08:48,736 We try new position. Go for the lift! 184 00:08:48,819 --> 00:08:50,905 -I'm about to have a miracle on ice! -Ah! 185 00:08:50,988 --> 00:08:54,867 Wow, that was amazing. Right, babe? 186 00:08:54,951 --> 00:08:58,120 Yeah, totally amazing, babe. 187 00:08:58,204 --> 00:09:00,790 Liar! That was not amazing. 188 00:09:00,873 --> 00:09:03,668 It was pokey and fast and chaos. 189 00:09:03,751 --> 00:09:04,585 I know! 190 00:09:04,669 --> 00:09:08,923 He promised you a happy cry, but left you feeling crappy and dry. 191 00:09:09,006 --> 00:09:11,842 I'm gonna go check movie times in the bathroom. 192 00:09:11,926 --> 00:09:15,012 Thanks for letting Jay stay here while he gets over his girlfriend. 193 00:09:15,096 --> 00:09:16,264 Oh, that poor baby. 194 00:09:16,347 --> 00:09:19,350 I heard that Skumpy girl absolutely annihilated him. 195 00:09:19,433 --> 00:09:20,810 Who did you hear that from? 196 00:09:20,893 --> 00:09:23,729 Her! She's going door-to-door telling everybody. 197 00:09:23,813 --> 00:09:26,274 It's all anyone my age group is talking about. 198 00:09:26,357 --> 00:09:29,026 I-- Oh, and there he is now! 199 00:09:29,110 --> 00:09:32,822 Look at you. You look like a chipmunk going to a job interview. 200 00:09:32,905 --> 00:09:34,824 Thanks, Mr. Matthew. 201 00:09:34,907 --> 00:09:37,618 So, Jay, my son tells me you do magic. 202 00:09:37,702 --> 00:09:39,745 Why don't you do a trick for us, Jay? 203 00:09:39,829 --> 00:09:41,789 Oh, I wish I could, Mrs. Matthew, 204 00:09:41,872 --> 00:09:45,668 but I'm nothing now, and I'm just waiting to die. Ta-da! 205 00:09:45,751 --> 00:09:47,587 Oh, Maury, this is not hot. 206 00:09:47,670 --> 00:09:51,299 Yeah, and he's all cleaned up like some Matthew-ass bitch. 207 00:09:51,382 --> 00:09:53,050 No offense, buddy, it works for you. 208 00:09:53,134 --> 00:09:53,968 Oh, no, I get it. 209 00:09:55,553 --> 00:09:57,096 Elliot, I'm gonna ride with Leah 210 00:09:57,179 --> 00:09:59,682 because I could use a little space from you right now. 211 00:10:00,683 --> 00:10:02,143 Val, you're dating Diane's daughter, 212 00:10:02,226 --> 00:10:04,186 do you think you could put in a good word for me? 213 00:10:04,270 --> 00:10:08,524 Okay, these seats are moving pretty fast. Should we ask someone to slow them down? 214 00:10:08,608 --> 00:10:10,526 Come on! Get on the fucking chair! 215 00:10:10,610 --> 00:10:13,487 Sir! If you rush me, it will only take longer. 216 00:10:13,571 --> 00:10:15,364 -Andrew, just go! -Ah! 217 00:10:15,448 --> 00:10:17,074 Why are you so mad at Dad? 218 00:10:17,158 --> 00:10:20,828 I just don't like that he gave you and Val your own room, okay? 219 00:10:20,911 --> 00:10:23,706 Oh, my God! I knew all that stuff about how you'd rather 220 00:10:23,789 --> 00:10:26,709 I "do it under your roof" was total bullshit! 221 00:10:26,792 --> 00:10:29,128 It wasn't, and I would, I--I think. 222 00:10:29,211 --> 00:10:30,296 I don't know. 223 00:10:30,379 --> 00:10:32,757 And I'm having trouble with it, okay, Leah? 224 00:10:32,840 --> 00:10:36,427 Kinda like how Val was having trouble holding onto his yogurt! 225 00:10:36,510 --> 00:10:40,598 And if it makes you feel any better, I feel bad about feeling bad about it. 226 00:10:40,681 --> 00:10:43,392 Well, if it makes you feel any better, it totally sucked. 227 00:10:43,476 --> 00:10:45,186 And I don't even think I want to do it again. 228 00:10:45,269 --> 00:10:48,648 No! That does not make me feel better, that's awful! 229 00:10:48,731 --> 00:10:51,108 You're my daughter, and if you're going to have sex, 230 00:10:51,192 --> 00:10:54,445 I want you to have wonderful, satisfying sex. 231 00:10:54,528 --> 00:10:56,113 Ew! Mom! Don't say that! 232 00:10:56,197 --> 00:10:57,948 You guys are teenagers. 233 00:10:58,032 --> 00:10:59,116 You're just learning, 234 00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:02,828 and you need to be able to tell your partner what arouses you. 235 00:11:02,912 --> 00:11:03,996 "Arouses"? 236 00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:07,416 Maybe you'll like nipple play, or mutual masturbation. 237 00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:10,294 Or having your toes counted out loud! 238 00:11:10,378 --> 00:11:12,588 Mom, I beg you, please stop! 239 00:11:12,672 --> 00:11:14,840 Well, if you're not ready to talk about sex, 240 00:11:14,924 --> 00:11:17,051 then maybe you're not ready to be having it. 241 00:11:17,134 --> 00:11:19,470 Okay, well, now you have to have sex again, 242 00:11:19,553 --> 00:11:21,263 just to prove your mom wrong! 243 00:11:21,347 --> 00:11:22,515 That's hot, right? 244 00:11:22,598 --> 00:11:25,976 Hey, Nick, let's take a selfie and hashtag it "Dat Birch life." 245 00:11:26,060 --> 00:11:30,314 -More like, "Dat bitch life." -Oh, no, my wallet! My white wallet! 246 00:11:30,398 --> 00:11:31,857 Nick, remember where it was. 247 00:11:31,941 --> 00:11:33,359 Oh, we're dropping things? 248 00:11:33,442 --> 00:11:36,112 Okay. Later, loser! 249 00:11:36,195 --> 00:11:38,614 Maybe I should just jump and disappear 250 00:11:38,698 --> 00:11:40,616 into the snow like a white wallet. 251 00:11:40,700 --> 00:11:43,035 Why does your wife being mad at you make you so sad? 252 00:11:43,119 --> 00:11:45,621 It's not like your ATV got stolen or something. 253 00:11:45,705 --> 00:11:47,832 But my ATV was taken away, 254 00:11:47,915 --> 00:11:51,627 because for me, ATV stands for "Adore The Vagina." 255 00:11:51,711 --> 00:11:54,547 Oh, yeah! The vagina is kind of like a door. 256 00:11:54,630 --> 00:11:56,006 You can go in and you can go out. 257 00:11:56,090 --> 00:11:59,510 And the clitoris is the doorbell. Ding-dong! I love you! 258 00:11:59,593 --> 00:12:01,303 The clitoris? I hear that's a myth. 259 00:12:01,387 --> 00:12:03,389 Oh, yes. I've seen your father's law commercials, 260 00:12:03,472 --> 00:12:05,391 but it's very real and very important. 261 00:12:05,474 --> 00:12:07,435 Really? I had no idea. 262 00:12:07,518 --> 00:12:10,146 You don't know how to ring my daughter's doorbell? Oh, Val. 263 00:12:10,229 --> 00:12:12,940 Sex should be a mutually pleasurable activity. 264 00:12:13,023 --> 00:12:15,985 It was pleasurable. I mean, I had fun. I think she did. 265 00:12:16,068 --> 00:12:17,737 I don't know if she did. 266 00:12:17,820 --> 00:12:20,614 I don't know if I had a good time. 267 00:12:20,698 --> 00:12:22,074 It--it was bad? 268 00:12:22,158 --> 00:12:25,911 Well, maybe you should try listening to your lover, my daughter, 269 00:12:25,995 --> 00:12:28,080 and figure out how to ATV. 270 00:12:28,164 --> 00:12:31,709 Yeah. And I don't know, maybe you should try listening to Diane. 271 00:12:31,792 --> 00:12:33,169 Val, you're a very sweet boy, 272 00:12:33,252 --> 00:12:36,172 but keep my wife's name out of your fucking mouth. 273 00:12:36,255 --> 00:12:38,090 Okay, tips up. Here we are! 274 00:12:39,842 --> 00:12:42,344 Whoa, whoa. Nicky, where do you think you're going? 275 00:12:42,428 --> 00:12:44,764 I'm doing the Organgrinder with Val and Leah. 276 00:12:44,847 --> 00:12:49,351 -Uh, the Organgrinder is a black diamond! -I don't think you're ready for that. 277 00:12:49,435 --> 00:12:50,978 -What? -And what about Andrew? 278 00:12:51,061 --> 00:12:52,480 Can you ski a black diamond? 279 00:12:52,563 --> 00:12:55,232 I'm sorry. I thought the chair thing was the ride. 280 00:12:55,316 --> 00:12:57,318 Full disclosure, I have never skied. 281 00:12:57,401 --> 00:12:59,904 Ooh, a black diamond is the most advanced run. 282 00:12:59,987 --> 00:13:03,949 As long as there are no humps and I can sit down, I should be okay. 283 00:13:04,033 --> 00:13:05,409 Nick, you stay with Andrew. 284 00:13:05,493 --> 00:13:08,037 -Make sure he gets down safely. -Mom! Mom, please. 285 00:13:08,120 --> 00:13:10,998 -You guys should try the cuddly duckling. 286 00:13:11,081 --> 00:13:11,999 Bye, Mrs. Birch! 287 00:13:12,082 --> 00:13:12,917 Jesus! 288 00:13:13,000 --> 00:13:15,002 -You tag along on my family ski trip… -That's it! 289 00:13:15,085 --> 00:13:17,004 …you ride with us to the top of a mountain… 290 00:13:17,087 --> 00:13:18,088 It's too much! 291 00:13:18,172 --> 00:13:19,882 And now you can't even ski? 292 00:13:19,965 --> 00:13:22,760 I can't anymore with this tube sock. I can't! 293 00:13:22,843 --> 00:13:24,595 Fuck you, Andrew! 294 00:13:24,678 --> 00:13:27,014 Wow, dick move. Got to admire it. 295 00:13:27,097 --> 00:13:29,141 You know what, Maury? I can do this. 296 00:13:29,225 --> 00:13:31,060 Andrew, I gotta level with you, bud. 297 00:13:31,143 --> 00:13:32,228 You are out of shape. 298 00:13:32,311 --> 00:13:35,731 You struggle with stairs, and you have a hard time pouring milk. 299 00:13:35,815 --> 00:13:37,441 You're going to kill yourself. 300 00:13:37,525 --> 00:13:40,945 You're right. Andrew Glouberman would kill himself. 301 00:13:41,028 --> 00:13:44,490 But Andrew Birch is gonna shralp this pow-pow. 302 00:13:44,573 --> 00:13:46,617 I'm on my butt. I'm on my butt. 303 00:13:46,700 --> 00:13:48,702 Oh, no! Here comes the tree. 304 00:13:48,786 --> 00:13:50,287 Still approaching. 305 00:13:50,371 --> 00:13:52,373 -Ow! -Hey, are you okay? 306 00:13:52,456 --> 00:13:54,667 No. I shouldn't even be up here. 307 00:13:54,750 --> 00:13:57,878 Me neither. My mom was right. I'm gonna break my neck… 308 00:13:57,962 --> 00:14:00,714 Like a Kennedy because their family was cursed. 309 00:14:00,798 --> 00:14:02,299 -That's what I was gonna say. -Jinx! 310 00:14:02,383 --> 00:14:04,051 -Hi, I'm Bernadette. -Hi! 311 00:14:04,134 --> 00:14:06,846 Bernadette Sanders. But everyone just calls me Bernie. 312 00:14:06,929 --> 00:14:07,930 Wow! 313 00:14:08,013 --> 00:14:09,098 -I'm-- -Andrew? 314 00:14:09,181 --> 00:14:10,599 -Yeah! -Cute picture, by the way. 315 00:14:10,683 --> 00:14:14,520 Oh, my God, you found my wallet that's the same color as the snow! 316 00:14:14,603 --> 00:14:17,398 Yeah, I tripped on it, and it got lodged in my crevasse. 317 00:14:17,481 --> 00:14:19,233 Smell it, smell the fucking wallet. 318 00:14:19,316 --> 00:14:22,236 I'm so grateful that you were able to find it and… 319 00:14:22,319 --> 00:14:24,405 No, it still smells like my ass. 320 00:14:24,488 --> 00:14:25,823 Ask if she'll put it back up. 321 00:14:25,906 --> 00:14:28,951 Well, here's a thought from the ol' idea factory. 322 00:14:29,034 --> 00:14:32,037 What if we go down the mountain on our crevasses together? 323 00:14:32,121 --> 00:14:35,708 Bernie Sanders, nothing would make me feel less alone. 324 00:14:35,791 --> 00:14:38,794 -Oh! -Oh! I went over a pine cone! 325 00:14:39,545 --> 00:14:42,840 I can't believe they wouldn't let me go down the Organgrinder. 326 00:14:42,923 --> 00:14:44,508 My rights are being trampled. 327 00:14:44,592 --> 00:14:46,427 And I didn't want to be the one to tell you, 328 00:14:46,510 --> 00:14:48,888 but there are actual mountains out west. 329 00:14:48,971 --> 00:14:53,017 What you're skiing on here is a hill of icy dog shit. 330 00:14:53,100 --> 00:14:55,311 Oh, have you ever seen Nights in Rodanthe? 331 00:14:55,394 --> 00:14:57,521 -Well, of course. -I'm a huge Richard Gere fan. 332 00:14:57,605 --> 00:15:01,317 Get out of here. You're a Gere head? I'm a huge Diane Laniac. 333 00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:03,485 Well, sure. She's a piece of candy. 334 00:15:03,569 --> 00:15:05,446 What in the actual fuck? 335 00:15:05,529 --> 00:15:06,989 Nick! This is Bernie! 336 00:15:07,072 --> 00:15:09,867 Hi, Nick! I'd get up and shake your hand, but I'm holding in a fart. 337 00:15:09,950 --> 00:15:12,328 Hey, also that sign above the hot tub that says, 338 00:15:12,411 --> 00:15:15,748 "Don't go in if you've had diarrhea in the last 48 hours," 339 00:15:15,831 --> 00:15:17,416 that's not, like, a law, right? 340 00:15:17,499 --> 00:15:20,836 It can't be. Who's ever gone 48 hours without having diarrhea? 341 00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:21,795 Not me! 342 00:15:21,879 --> 00:15:22,796 Jinx! 343 00:15:22,880 --> 00:15:24,715 Andrew found a snow bunny? 344 00:15:24,798 --> 00:15:28,010 Andrew? This trip is fucking trash. 345 00:15:28,093 --> 00:15:29,470 Come on in, Nick, join us! 346 00:15:29,553 --> 00:15:31,430 Yeah, I was just kidding about the fart. 347 00:15:31,513 --> 00:15:32,973 I let it out a long time ago. 348 00:15:33,057 --> 00:15:34,642 I wasn't gonna let it boil in here. 349 00:15:34,725 --> 00:15:37,937 I think I'll just go stand barefoot in the snow, but thanks. 350 00:15:38,020 --> 00:15:39,605 Oh, hello, Bonstance. 351 00:15:39,688 --> 00:15:41,690 Actually, it's Bonrad. 352 00:15:41,774 --> 00:15:44,360 And if you're using the hot tub, I can come back. 353 00:15:44,443 --> 00:15:46,820 Oh, come on. There's plenty of room. 354 00:15:46,904 --> 00:15:50,616 It'll just be you, me, and these two fucking Garbage Pail Kids. 355 00:15:50,699 --> 00:15:53,827 Well, I do love a juicy jacuzzi. 356 00:15:53,911 --> 00:15:55,871 Just like your sister and her bubble baths. 357 00:15:55,955 --> 00:15:58,290 Bubble baths are for gettin' clean. 358 00:15:58,374 --> 00:16:00,751 Hot tubs are for gettin' dirty! 359 00:16:00,834 --> 00:16:04,672 Holy shit, my boiled dick is so hard right now. 360 00:16:06,840 --> 00:16:09,677 Val, I would like to buy the electric company 361 00:16:09,760 --> 00:16:12,346 because things need to get turned on. 362 00:16:12,429 --> 00:16:16,392 Well, if that would give you pleasure, then I am ATV. 363 00:16:16,475 --> 00:16:20,437 -I bet that filthy Bilzerian has HPV. 364 00:16:20,521 --> 00:16:22,022 Just give me the stupid dice. 365 00:16:22,106 --> 00:16:24,608 -Oh! Marvin Gardens! -Yeah! 366 00:16:24,692 --> 00:16:27,778 Uh-oh, Bernie and I own a big, fat hotel there. 367 00:16:27,861 --> 00:16:29,780 -Like your fat juicy butt! 368 00:16:29,863 --> 00:16:31,573 -Bernie, stop it! -No, I won't! 369 00:16:31,657 --> 00:16:34,743 Oh, my God, both of you stop it! What the… 370 00:16:34,827 --> 00:16:37,246 Welcome to the Hotel Di'Aray-a. 371 00:16:37,329 --> 00:16:39,873 -Where you pay out the ass. 372 00:16:39,957 --> 00:16:40,916 -Hey, Nick! -Shit. 373 00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:43,877 -Check it out! I'm inside your sister! 374 00:16:43,961 --> 00:16:46,714 Thanks, Mom and Dad, for making this so easy! 375 00:16:46,797 --> 00:16:48,215 -No! -If our children aren't fucking, 376 00:16:48,298 --> 00:16:49,341 we're not proud of them! 377 00:16:49,425 --> 00:16:51,510 -Nicky, why don't you have a lover? -What? 378 00:16:51,593 --> 00:16:55,639 You're all alone, and this game is gonna last another two and a half hours! 379 00:16:55,723 --> 00:16:56,765 -Fire! 380 00:16:56,849 --> 00:16:58,183 Fuck you all! 381 00:16:58,267 --> 00:16:59,852 I don't want to play anymore! 382 00:16:59,935 --> 00:17:01,729 Nicholas! What is wrong with you? 383 00:17:01,812 --> 00:17:03,605 Me? What's wrong with you? 384 00:17:03,689 --> 00:17:07,109 You're just gonna let this sleazy putz fuck our Leah? 385 00:17:07,192 --> 00:17:08,277 -Oh, my God! -Yes. 386 00:17:08,360 --> 00:17:11,488 We are gonna let Val fuck our Leah, and Leah fuck our Val, 387 00:17:11,572 --> 00:17:13,073 because that is who we are. 388 00:17:13,157 --> 00:17:15,617 Elliot! Do you even hear yourself? 389 00:17:15,701 --> 00:17:16,827 Nick, sit down. 390 00:17:16,910 --> 00:17:17,995 Have some Havarti. 391 00:17:18,078 --> 00:17:20,122 Have a couple olives and relax. 392 00:17:20,205 --> 00:17:22,875 We're the Birches. We're sexually progressive. 393 00:17:22,958 --> 00:17:25,085 -Well, I'm sexually aggressive. 394 00:17:25,169 --> 00:17:27,212 -Let me goosey that juicy caboosey. -Oh! 395 00:17:27,296 --> 00:17:29,256 Why are you here? Who even are you? 396 00:17:29,339 --> 00:17:31,550 I'm Bernie Sanders. Get on board! 397 00:17:31,633 --> 00:17:32,676 I hate all of you! 398 00:17:32,760 --> 00:17:34,762 You're such a spoiled little baby! 399 00:17:34,845 --> 00:17:37,014 I am not spoiled! 400 00:17:37,097 --> 00:17:40,559 Fuck my family. Fuck Andrew. Fuck Bernie Sanders! 401 00:17:40,642 --> 00:17:43,854 You need to show those cum junkies you are not a baby. 402 00:17:43,937 --> 00:17:45,522 Yeah! How--how do I do that? 403 00:17:45,606 --> 00:17:47,524 -What do big boys do? 404 00:17:47,608 --> 00:17:50,402 They fucking shred the black diamond! 405 00:17:50,486 --> 00:17:51,695 Oh, hell yes. 406 00:17:51,779 --> 00:17:55,866 Big boys also tie their own shoes and hold their sippy cups 407 00:17:55,949 --> 00:17:57,868 all by their own selves. 408 00:17:57,951 --> 00:17:58,952 All right. 409 00:17:59,036 --> 00:18:01,580 Well, you probably want me to get lost. 410 00:18:01,663 --> 00:18:03,957 I'd disappear, but I don't know if you've heard, 411 00:18:04,041 --> 00:18:05,542 I can't do magic anymore. 412 00:18:05,626 --> 00:18:07,044 Yeah, I got that. 413 00:18:07,127 --> 00:18:09,588 Matthew, if you let him go, I quit. 414 00:18:09,671 --> 00:18:11,965 -Are you allowed to do that? -Fucking try me. 415 00:18:12,049 --> 00:18:14,843 You know, Jay, you don't have to leave. 416 00:18:14,927 --> 00:18:16,845 Why are you being so nice to me? 417 00:18:16,929 --> 00:18:19,264 Everybody's right, I'm a fucking loser. 418 00:18:19,348 --> 00:18:22,684 Well, yeah, right now your whole vibe kind of sucks. 419 00:18:22,768 --> 00:18:23,727 See, you get it. 420 00:18:23,811 --> 00:18:25,562 -But this isn't you. -Isn't it? 421 00:18:25,646 --> 00:18:27,356 You're confident and tough. 422 00:18:27,439 --> 00:18:31,026 I mean, life shits all over you like you're a statue at a bird sanctuary, 423 00:18:31,110 --> 00:18:32,236 but you're Jay. 424 00:18:32,319 --> 00:18:35,405 -You just keep going. -Yeah, he does. He's the best of us. 425 00:18:35,489 --> 00:18:37,241 And meanwhile, I'm such a coward, 426 00:18:37,324 --> 00:18:40,077 I couldn't even tell my boyfriend why I really broke up with him. 427 00:18:40,160 --> 00:18:42,412 Oh, yeah, that was so stupid. 428 00:18:42,496 --> 00:18:43,664 Aiden was perfect. 429 00:18:43,747 --> 00:18:45,541 I know, but he… 430 00:18:47,334 --> 00:18:49,336 Jay, he wasn't you. 431 00:18:49,419 --> 00:18:52,756 Wait, what? Why are you saying all this shit? 432 00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:56,552 I'm dumb. I'm rude. My dick looks like a bruised yam. 433 00:18:56,635 --> 00:18:58,846 Because I like you, okay? 434 00:18:58,929 --> 00:19:00,222 There, I fucking said it. 435 00:19:00,305 --> 00:19:02,057 I, like, like-like you. 436 00:19:02,141 --> 00:19:06,436 -Oh, me, oh, my. I hope he likes us back. -Hey, are you fucking with me right now? 437 00:19:06,520 --> 00:19:07,980 Do not fuck with me, Matthew. 438 00:19:08,063 --> 00:19:09,106 You don't like me. 439 00:19:09,189 --> 00:19:12,734 I do! It's crazy, but I really, really like you. 440 00:19:12,818 --> 00:19:14,778 -I like that you're unhinged. -Yeah! 441 00:19:14,862 --> 00:19:16,363 -Unwashed. -So dirty. 442 00:19:16,446 --> 00:19:18,240 -Uncut. -Uh-huh. 443 00:19:18,323 --> 00:19:19,700 You're fucking right I am. 444 00:19:19,783 --> 00:19:23,996 And, Jay, you've got that funk that makes my junk wanna spunk. 445 00:19:24,079 --> 00:19:25,914 Hey, you used my line! 446 00:19:25,998 --> 00:19:28,584 Ooh, quick consent to mash your mouth with mine? 447 00:19:28,667 --> 00:19:30,669 Consent granted, sailor. 448 00:19:32,379 --> 00:19:36,133 Oh, finally. Reality matches my tattoo. 449 00:19:36,216 --> 00:19:39,386 When I clench… 450 00:19:39,469 --> 00:19:45,267 So Valtrex Giuliani Bilzerian, what, uh, arouses you? 451 00:19:45,350 --> 00:19:48,187 -Uh… -I mean, what turns you on? 452 00:19:48,270 --> 00:19:49,730 Oh, you know, just regular stuff. 453 00:19:49,813 --> 00:19:52,858 Stepsister stuff, stepmom stuff, stepfather stuff. 454 00:19:52,941 --> 00:19:56,195 But what I'd be into right now is "pleasuring you" stuff. 455 00:19:56,278 --> 00:19:58,655 -So what are you into? -What do I say? 456 00:19:58,739 --> 00:20:01,575 Speak from the heart, about your pussy. 457 00:20:01,658 --> 00:20:03,118 So I just say it? 458 00:20:03,202 --> 00:20:05,037 A closed mouth don't get fed, 459 00:20:05,120 --> 00:20:07,206 and a closed pussy don't get licked. 460 00:20:07,289 --> 00:20:10,876 Um, I think what I would like is for you to go down on me. 461 00:20:10,959 --> 00:20:14,129 Okay, I can do this. I'm ready. But just a heads-up, 462 00:20:14,213 --> 00:20:17,883 I'm not sure I can "adore the vagina" as good as your dad does. 463 00:20:17,966 --> 00:20:21,637 Hey, Val? Keep my father's name out of your fucking mouth. 464 00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:22,554 Mmm. 465 00:20:22,638 --> 00:20:24,097 Quite the view, huh? 466 00:20:24,181 --> 00:20:27,935 So we're on a bed in the midst of a rare diarrhea pause. 467 00:20:28,018 --> 00:20:29,853 What do you want to do? 468 00:20:29,937 --> 00:20:32,606 -Maury, what do I want to do? -Uh, let me think. 469 00:20:32,689 --> 00:20:34,775 Tell her… Oh, God, I don't know. 470 00:20:34,858 --> 00:20:39,238 Uh, kissy. Ki-kissy touchy. Oh, shit! Uh, kissy touchy wee-wee? 471 00:20:39,321 --> 00:20:42,532 Well, what would you like to do, Bernie? 472 00:20:42,616 --> 00:20:44,660 I think I would like you to kiss me? 473 00:20:44,743 --> 00:20:46,870 Oh, kissy touchy wee-wee! 474 00:20:46,954 --> 00:20:48,288 -Mmm. 475 00:20:48,372 --> 00:20:51,583 Ooh! I like that your mustache smells like mustard. 476 00:20:51,667 --> 00:20:55,921 Oh, my boys are fucking crushing it this episode. 477 00:20:56,004 --> 00:20:59,299 Okay. Now that you've Zambonied the ice, 478 00:20:59,383 --> 00:21:00,926 should we try skating again? 479 00:21:01,009 --> 00:21:03,762 Wait, babe, since we're, like, talking now and stuff, 480 00:21:03,845 --> 00:21:05,597 I should tell you that last night, 481 00:21:05,681 --> 00:21:07,099 it was my first time. 482 00:21:07,182 --> 00:21:09,601 -Oh! I'm so lame. -Aww. No. 483 00:21:09,685 --> 00:21:12,354 I think it's nice that it was both of our first times. 484 00:21:12,437 --> 00:21:16,024 Aw, that's very sweet, but chop-chop, kissy touchy wee-wee! Come on. 485 00:21:16,108 --> 00:21:18,652 -Okay, how's that? -Good. We can go a little faster. 486 00:21:18,735 --> 00:21:22,072 -Really? Oh, does that feel okay? -Mmm. Yeah. It feels kind of great. 487 00:21:22,155 --> 00:21:24,241 -I know! -Hey, do you know how to skate backwards? 488 00:21:24,324 --> 00:21:26,285 Actually, I think we might need to go for the jump. 489 00:21:26,368 --> 00:21:29,079 Already? That's okay. Let's do it. 490 00:21:30,872 --> 00:21:33,458 -That was kind of okay. 491 00:21:33,542 --> 00:21:35,919 Fuck yeah! It was kinda okay! 492 00:21:36,003 --> 00:21:38,463 Yeah! Like pancakes without syrup. 493 00:21:38,547 --> 00:21:40,048 It was kind of okay! 494 00:21:40,132 --> 00:21:42,467 -You wanna try again? -I think I do. 495 00:21:42,551 --> 00:21:43,844 Yeah, let's go! 496 00:21:43,927 --> 00:21:47,306 Let's get some lady nectar up on those flapjacks. 497 00:21:47,389 --> 00:21:49,182 Okay, I get it. I've heard you. 498 00:21:49,266 --> 00:21:52,019 You don't love me anymore. You want a divorce? That's fine. 499 00:21:52,102 --> 00:21:55,022 All I ask is 100% custody of you. 500 00:21:55,105 --> 00:21:57,357 I don't want a divorce, Elliot, 501 00:21:57,441 --> 00:22:00,944 I just want to have a real conversation about our daughter having sex! 502 00:22:01,028 --> 00:22:03,780 -Oh, you want a real conversation, do you? -Yes, I do! 503 00:22:03,864 --> 00:22:05,073 Well, here's what I think! 504 00:22:05,157 --> 00:22:07,993 Leah's ready to have sex when Leah says she's ready to have sex 505 00:22:08,076 --> 00:22:11,163 because we made Leah ready to have sex when Leah's ready to have sex. 506 00:22:11,246 --> 00:22:13,999 I know, but you need to let me have my feelings about it! 507 00:22:14,082 --> 00:22:17,127 I'm yelling, but I'm actually very sorry about that, 508 00:22:17,210 --> 00:22:19,463 and honestly, I'm a little nervous about it too! 509 00:22:19,546 --> 00:22:22,341 How would I know that if we don't talk about it? 510 00:22:22,424 --> 00:22:25,594 Oh, God, it feels like just yesterday she was five years old, 511 00:22:25,677 --> 00:22:30,098 and we were explaining that what she was calling her vagina was actually her vulva. 512 00:22:30,182 --> 00:22:31,850 -I know it's hard, 513 00:22:31,933 --> 00:22:35,937 but do you know how sexy you are when you're honest with me? 514 00:22:36,021 --> 00:22:37,022 I am? 515 00:22:37,105 --> 00:22:39,483 Can I please adore the vagina now? 516 00:22:39,566 --> 00:22:42,694 No, because I'm gonna ATP. 517 00:22:42,778 --> 00:22:44,571 You mean, adore the penis? 518 00:22:44,654 --> 00:22:46,323 No. Annihilate it! 519 00:22:47,574 --> 00:22:49,326 -Whew! 520 00:22:49,409 --> 00:22:51,661 It is hot under the Tuscan sun. 521 00:22:51,745 --> 00:22:54,581 I know, I'm schvitzing through my prescription deodorant. 522 00:22:54,664 --> 00:22:57,334 Should we, uh, take off our shirts? 523 00:22:57,417 --> 00:22:59,878 Oh, my God, this is it! 524 00:22:59,961 --> 00:23:01,922 It's time to feel the Bern! 525 00:23:02,005 --> 00:23:02,923 Hey, Maury… 526 00:23:03,006 --> 00:23:05,592 My sister and I have decided two things. 527 00:23:05,675 --> 00:23:08,220 One, it's time to put our dad in a home. 528 00:23:08,303 --> 00:23:10,889 And two, we're having a threesome. 529 00:23:10,972 --> 00:23:14,017 Well, I think, uh, both of those things are for the best. 530 00:23:15,352 --> 00:23:17,396 Do you guys have a place in mind for your dad, 531 00:23:17,479 --> 00:23:19,106 or you just gonna start researching? 532 00:23:19,189 --> 00:23:20,649 Yeah, put a finger in my fucking ass. 533 00:23:21,149 --> 00:23:23,276 Those assholes! They can't tell me what to do. 534 00:23:23,360 --> 00:23:26,113 Damn straight! Let's hate fuck this mountain. 535 00:23:26,196 --> 00:23:27,030 Fuck yeah! 536 00:23:27,114 --> 00:23:29,366 -Whoa! Ooh! 537 00:23:29,449 --> 00:23:30,534 Oh! 538 00:23:30,617 --> 00:23:32,452 Later, losers! 539 00:23:34,996 --> 00:23:36,998 Oh, my God! 540 00:23:37,082 --> 00:23:38,667 I never tried ceviche, 541 00:23:38,750 --> 00:23:42,170 -even though I told everyone I hated it! 542 00:23:43,797 --> 00:23:45,298 Ow! My leg! 543 00:23:45,382 --> 00:23:47,467 I hate skiing! 544 00:23:47,551 --> 00:23:49,344 I hate Mondays! 545 00:23:49,428 --> 00:23:53,140 I hate my fucking life! 546 00:23:53,223 --> 00:23:55,725 -But I love lasagna! 547 00:23:55,809 --> 00:23:57,853 -I love being pleasured! 548 00:23:57,936 --> 00:24:01,523 I'm having sex for the third time in 12 hours! 549 00:24:01,606 --> 00:24:04,192 I'm about to touch boobs! 550 00:24:04,276 --> 00:24:06,236 I'm also about to touch boobs! 551 00:24:06,319 --> 00:24:08,405 -And I'm about to put the mayo 552 00:24:08,488 --> 00:24:10,323 in a LaCienega sandwich. 553 00:24:10,407 --> 00:24:11,950 Yum, yum! 554 00:24:16,288 --> 00:24:17,789 -Oh, shit! 555 00:24:17,873 --> 00:24:18,999 Whoa! 556 00:24:19,082 --> 00:24:21,126 -No! 557 00:24:21,209 --> 00:24:23,420 -Bernie, are you there? 558 00:24:23,503 --> 00:24:25,005 Should we still keep making out? 559 00:24:25,088 --> 00:24:27,048 -I want to touch your boob. -Connie? 560 00:24:27,132 --> 00:24:28,091 -Bonnie? 561 00:24:28,175 --> 00:24:30,302 Are you sixty-nining each other under there? 562 00:24:31,553 --> 00:24:34,473 -Judd, you saved my life. 563 00:24:34,556 --> 00:24:37,601 -You die when I say you die. -Ooph! 564 00:24:38,894 --> 00:24:41,938 Well, Nicky, you broke your leg and our trust. 565 00:24:42,022 --> 00:24:43,440 It wasn't my fault! 566 00:24:43,523 --> 00:24:44,816 What were you thinking? 567 00:24:44,900 --> 00:24:47,861 -It wasn't my fault! -Yeah, it was. I saw the whole thing. 568 00:24:47,944 --> 00:24:48,945 He cursed us all 569 00:24:49,029 --> 00:24:50,822 -and then cried like a little bitch. 570 00:24:50,906 --> 00:24:54,451 I have to go. My mom's freaking out about the avalanche, 571 00:24:54,534 --> 00:24:57,037 and my dad's big balls got caught in his zipper. 572 00:24:57,120 --> 00:24:59,206 Wait, will I see you tomorrow? 573 00:24:59,289 --> 00:25:01,541 I'm sorry, Andrew, we have to get Nicky back to Bridgeton. 574 00:25:01,625 --> 00:25:02,959 -He needs surgery. -No, no, no. 575 00:25:03,043 --> 00:25:05,295 You take the boy. I stay here with Bernie. 576 00:25:05,378 --> 00:25:08,882 I will make my way back to New York by following the sun in reverse. 577 00:25:08,965 --> 00:25:10,634 -Now go! -Goodbye, Andrew. 578 00:25:10,717 --> 00:25:12,552 -Goodbye, Bernie Sanders. 579 00:25:12,636 --> 00:25:14,971 Maybe we could try again in four years. 580 00:25:15,055 --> 00:25:17,057 I don't know. I'll be pretty old. 581 00:25:17,599 --> 00:25:19,059 Well, I hope you're happy, Nick. 582 00:25:19,142 --> 00:25:21,436 Your selfishness ruined our family vacation. 583 00:25:21,520 --> 00:25:25,649 Ugh! And you know Mom and Dad aren't gonna let Val sleep in my room at home, fucker! 584 00:25:25,732 --> 00:25:28,151 -I was going to touch boobs, young man. 585 00:25:28,235 --> 00:25:31,029 Boobs. On a girl. And she was gonna touch mine! 586 00:25:31,112 --> 00:25:32,906 All of you stop talking! 587 00:25:32,989 --> 00:25:36,243 I'm gonna get you for this, Nick, if it's the last thing I do. 588 00:25:36,326 --> 00:25:38,453 Well, it probably won't be the last thing I do. 589 00:25:38,537 --> 00:25:39,913 I'll probably smoke crack. 590 00:25:39,996 --> 00:25:42,123 Why did you make me go down that mountain? 591 00:25:42,207 --> 00:25:44,668 Oh, please. I didn't make you do shit. 592 00:25:44,751 --> 00:25:46,127 I hate you, Walter! 593 00:25:46,211 --> 00:25:49,256 Bitch! I hated you first!