1 00:00:52,969 --> 00:00:57,057 Oh, hello. Welcome to "A Very Big Mouth Christmas." 2 00:00:57,140 --> 00:00:58,850 We're gonna have a couple laughs, 3 00:00:58,933 --> 00:01:00,060 sing a few songs, 4 00:01:00,143 --> 00:01:04,314 and we're gonna make a promise to you that no other Christmas special can. 5 00:01:04,397 --> 00:01:07,525 Tonight, you're gonna see Santa's dick. 6 00:01:07,609 --> 00:01:11,237 Hey, Maury, don't forget to tell them we're sexy puppets. 7 00:01:11,321 --> 00:01:12,155 That's right. 8 00:01:12,238 --> 00:01:15,366 Nothing says Christmas quite like a fist up your ass. 9 00:01:15,450 --> 00:01:18,411 Especially one that goes all the way up to your brain. 10 00:01:18,495 --> 00:01:21,164 Jesus, Connie, the guests aren't even here yet, 11 00:01:21,247 --> 00:01:23,958 and you're already on your third glass of wine. 12 00:01:24,042 --> 00:01:26,503 It's not wine, it's my jingle juice. 13 00:01:26,586 --> 00:01:29,881 That's two drops of bitters, a shot of Campari, 14 00:01:29,964 --> 00:01:33,927 and a robust squirt of my very own feminine juices. 15 00:01:34,010 --> 00:01:36,971 Well, just keep that stuff away from the couches, okay? 16 00:01:37,055 --> 00:01:39,307 Oh, come on, party pooper! 17 00:01:39,390 --> 00:01:41,226 It's Christmas! 18 00:01:41,309 --> 00:01:44,437 Jesus Christ! Damn it, I gotta clean this up with one puppet arm. Fuckin' A. 19 00:01:44,521 --> 00:01:47,273 I'm sorry. But look how cute my barf is. 20 00:01:47,357 --> 00:01:50,110 It's all pipe cleaners and buttons. 21 00:01:50,193 --> 00:01:51,569 But seriously, Maury, 22 00:01:51,653 --> 00:01:53,863 what do you think Santa's dick looks like? 23 00:01:53,947 --> 00:01:58,576 We're gonna find out, Connie, but first, we gotta clean up this adorable mess. 24 00:01:58,660 --> 00:02:00,912 Why don't you guys watch this little movie 25 00:02:00,995 --> 00:02:05,291 while I top off my drink with some fresh lady juice. 26 00:02:05,375 --> 00:02:06,626 Uh-oh! 27 00:02:06,709 --> 00:02:09,254 -It has begun! 28 00:02:16,511 --> 00:02:19,180 A Christmas tree? I think you forgot we're Jewish. 29 00:02:19,264 --> 00:02:22,142 Well, we are, but, you know, Caitlin isn't. 30 00:02:22,225 --> 00:02:24,477 Guilty as Unitarian. 31 00:02:24,561 --> 00:02:27,689 Ugh. I don't want to celebrate Christmas, 32 00:02:27,772 --> 00:02:29,315 I don't want Caitlin living here, 33 00:02:29,399 --> 00:02:31,943 and I definitely don't want some cheese baby! 34 00:02:32,026 --> 00:02:34,279 Well, I agree about Caitlin and the cheddar child, 35 00:02:34,362 --> 00:02:36,406 but brie reasonable, Jessi. 36 00:02:36,489 --> 00:02:37,949 Christmas is the best. 37 00:02:38,032 --> 00:02:40,034 I was there for the very first one, you know. 38 00:02:40,118 --> 00:02:41,411 What do you mean "there"? 39 00:02:41,494 --> 00:02:43,329 Well, a long time ago, 40 00:02:43,413 --> 00:02:47,417 I was a hormones monstress to a very special girl. 41 00:02:47,500 --> 00:02:49,085 Her name was Mary. 42 00:02:49,836 --> 00:02:53,965 The year was zero, and Mary was a horny Jewish tween, 43 00:02:54,048 --> 00:02:55,133 just like you. 44 00:02:55,216 --> 00:02:58,094 There. Now your hair looks like old times. 45 00:02:58,178 --> 00:03:00,763 Oh, heads up, an angel is about to visit. 46 00:03:00,847 --> 00:03:02,307 She has some news. 47 00:03:02,390 --> 00:03:03,766 -Oh, my God! 48 00:03:03,850 --> 00:03:05,351 Yes, exactly! 49 00:03:05,435 --> 00:03:07,145 Somebody likes you. 50 00:03:07,228 --> 00:03:08,354 Really? Who? 51 00:03:08,438 --> 00:03:10,523 God! That's what I was saying. 52 00:03:10,607 --> 00:03:13,443 He likes you so much he wants you to have his baby. 53 00:03:13,526 --> 00:03:14,360 Insane, right? 54 00:03:14,444 --> 00:03:16,321 Wait. God's gonna have sex with her? 55 00:03:16,404 --> 00:03:17,238 He does that? 56 00:03:17,322 --> 00:03:18,823 I mean, I--I know Satan does. 57 00:03:18,907 --> 00:03:22,327 He's dicked me down a number of times, and listen, I him. 58 00:03:22,410 --> 00:03:24,871 No, no. God isn't gonna have sex with her. 59 00:03:24,954 --> 00:03:27,665 He doesn't want to touch Mary. He just wants that baby. 60 00:03:27,749 --> 00:03:30,418 Oh, okay, so it's like a Tom Cruise thing. 61 00:03:30,501 --> 00:03:32,921 Does she need to sign an NDA or something like that? 62 00:03:33,004 --> 00:03:34,589 -Mazel Tov, Mary! 63 00:03:34,672 --> 00:03:38,176 Wait a minute. I'm gonna have a baby, but I don't even have sex? 64 00:03:38,259 --> 00:03:40,511 Isn't that like all of the calories but none of the fun? 65 00:03:40,595 --> 00:03:43,848 Oh, honey, women's pleasure is a thing of the future. 66 00:03:43,932 --> 00:03:45,391 Like broccolini. 67 00:03:46,476 --> 00:03:48,436 So you want me to be the "husband," 68 00:03:48,519 --> 00:03:51,356 but we don't actually have to do anything except hang out? 69 00:03:51,439 --> 00:03:53,233 My parents will love this. I'm in! 70 00:03:53,316 --> 00:03:54,651 Okay. Cool, cool, cool. 71 00:03:54,734 --> 00:03:57,695 So none of the men in this story want to touch me? 72 00:03:57,779 --> 00:03:59,906 Anyways, fast forward nine months, 73 00:03:59,989 --> 00:04:03,576 and you, I mean, Mary, were about to give birth. 74 00:04:03,660 --> 00:04:05,203 But you had no place to do it. 75 00:04:05,286 --> 00:04:06,621 Knockity knock-knock. 76 00:04:06,704 --> 00:04:09,707 My wife is going into labor. 77 00:04:09,791 --> 00:04:10,625 Can we come in? 78 00:04:10,708 --> 00:04:13,670 And get birth juice all over my new dirt floor? 79 00:04:13,753 --> 00:04:15,255 Take a hike! 80 00:04:16,381 --> 00:04:18,967 Hello, I'm ancient. How can I love you? 81 00:04:19,050 --> 00:04:23,888 Hi, we need a place for my 12-year-old wife here to give birth. 82 00:04:23,972 --> 00:04:27,976 Oh, well, this hotel-motel is filled with diapers and rotten dates 83 00:04:28,059 --> 00:04:31,437 because that's my community and how I live. 84 00:04:31,521 --> 00:04:33,815 But you can use the barn in the back. 85 00:04:33,898 --> 00:04:37,694 And so they went to the barn, but they called it a manger 86 00:04:37,777 --> 00:04:40,405 'cause I guess that was trendy at the time? I don't know. 87 00:04:40,488 --> 00:04:44,742 So is stoning people, which is dodge ball except with rocks, 88 00:04:44,826 --> 00:04:48,162 and then you get to, you know, kill a guy with your friends. 89 00:04:48,246 --> 00:04:49,747 -And so, 90 00:04:49,831 --> 00:04:51,040 Mary started having the baby. 91 00:04:51,124 --> 00:04:53,668 Thankfully, one of the animals was a doctor. 92 00:04:53,751 --> 00:04:56,462 -His name was Dr. Hooves. 93 00:04:56,546 --> 00:04:58,798 What do you mean you ate the epidural? 94 00:04:58,881 --> 00:05:01,134 Hi! Knock-knock! Is now a bad time? 95 00:05:01,217 --> 00:05:03,428 Whoa, are you going to the bathroom or something? 96 00:05:03,511 --> 00:05:05,638 Who the hell are you? Get outta here! 97 00:05:05,722 --> 00:05:08,391 Uh, we're the three kings and we brought you presents. 98 00:05:08,474 --> 00:05:11,019 But if you're gonna be a bitch about it, we can take off. 99 00:05:11,102 --> 00:05:13,062 No, no, no, no, no! What did you bring? 100 00:05:13,146 --> 00:05:15,648 Well, I brought myrrh. I don't know what it is. 101 00:05:15,732 --> 00:05:17,608 But if you smear it on your wang, 102 00:05:17,692 --> 00:05:21,237 it'll go numb, and then you feel like you're jacking off a stranger. 103 00:05:21,321 --> 00:05:24,115 So hot. You never know when the guy's gonna pop. 104 00:05:24,198 --> 00:05:25,658 And--And I brought gold. 105 00:05:25,742 --> 00:05:27,869 You want me to, like, put it on your stomach? 106 00:05:27,952 --> 00:05:30,413 -I just don't want the doctor to eat it. 107 00:05:30,496 --> 00:05:33,333 Gold? I thought we were doing a $20 limit. 108 00:05:33,416 --> 00:05:37,253 I just got her the new Tom Clancy scroll. It's good. It's a fun beach scroll. 109 00:05:39,756 --> 00:05:41,883 Okay, now she's really going to the bathroom. 110 00:05:41,966 --> 00:05:44,218 -What do you mean it's a cheese baby? 111 00:05:45,219 --> 00:05:46,929 I already said I don't want a cheese baby. 112 00:05:47,013 --> 00:05:49,932 Oh, I don't know. I think Baby Cheesus is kinda cute. 113 00:05:50,016 --> 00:05:51,684 Goo-goo gouda. 114 00:05:52,268 --> 00:05:55,855 -Now this will pair well with me! 115 00:05:56,856 --> 00:05:59,859 -I guess Baby Cheesus is a tiny bit cute. 116 00:05:59,942 --> 00:06:02,236 Are you kidding? This holy baby rules. 117 00:06:02,320 --> 00:06:05,448 Anyone want to, like, wage a war on behalf of it? 118 00:06:05,531 --> 00:06:11,120 Kind of feels like we should kill anyone who doesn't love and worship this baby. 119 00:06:11,204 --> 00:06:13,039 -Holy war! 120 00:06:13,122 --> 00:06:15,708 And that was the first Christmas. 121 00:06:15,792 --> 00:06:18,419 You know, some of that felt less than accurate to me, 122 00:06:18,503 --> 00:06:20,380 if I can give you some fearless feedback. 123 00:06:20,463 --> 00:06:23,341 Oh! So you're thinkin' Mary just got laid and then lied about it. 124 00:06:23,424 --> 00:06:25,551 Yeah, I did not say that. 125 00:06:25,635 --> 00:06:27,762 Oh, look, there's a present under the tree. 126 00:06:27,845 --> 00:06:31,974 "To Jessi, from Caitlin. Don't worry, it's not cheese." 127 00:06:32,058 --> 00:06:34,685 -Should I open it? -Is Satan's dick long and curly? 128 00:06:34,769 --> 00:06:36,604 -I don't know. -Oh, it is. 129 00:06:38,356 --> 00:06:39,857 "Little sister"? 130 00:06:39,941 --> 00:06:42,026 Oh, my gosh, a sister. 131 00:06:42,110 --> 00:06:43,027 Wow! 132 00:06:43,111 --> 00:06:45,905 You're gonna be a real good big sister. 133 00:06:45,988 --> 00:06:48,574 And, oh, you'll get your present from me tonight. 134 00:06:48,658 --> 00:06:52,161 It's a sex dream, and Dr. Hooves plays a prominent role. 135 00:06:52,245 --> 00:06:54,705 Okay. Well, now I'm scared to go to sleep. 136 00:06:54,789 --> 00:06:57,875 Would it help if I told you that you were also a goat? 137 00:06:57,959 --> 00:07:00,920 -Kinda. -Well, unfortunately, that's not the case. 138 00:07:16,519 --> 00:07:19,063 Oh, no! Dolly's bow is ripped! 139 00:07:19,147 --> 00:07:21,858 And on Christmas Eve! What do we do, Jingle? 140 00:07:21,941 --> 00:07:23,151 That is a pickle. 141 00:07:23,234 --> 00:07:25,611 But don't worry, Twinkle. Santa will know. 142 00:07:25,695 --> 00:07:27,280 Well, let's go ask him. 143 00:07:28,573 --> 00:07:29,949 Huh, no answer. 144 00:07:30,032 --> 00:07:32,160 Well, it is a toy emergency. 145 00:07:32,243 --> 00:07:33,744 I guess we should go in? 146 00:07:33,828 --> 00:07:35,037 Well, I guess we should! 147 00:07:35,121 --> 00:07:38,666 -Ho-ho-ho! Ho-ho-ho! -Oh, I've been naughty! 148 00:07:38,749 --> 00:07:41,085 -Dump your big bag of coal in my guts! -Oh! 149 00:07:41,169 --> 00:07:42,920 Oh, stop now, Mama. 150 00:07:43,004 --> 00:07:46,883 If you keep talking like that, this jolly old man's gonna blow! 151 00:07:46,966 --> 00:07:48,676 -Jiminy Christmas! -Oh, shit! 152 00:07:48,759 --> 00:07:50,386 -Oh, no! G-get out! -Oh! 153 00:07:50,470 --> 00:07:51,512 -Oh! -Get out now! 154 00:07:51,596 --> 00:07:54,265 This was not for you to see! No! 155 00:07:55,725 --> 00:07:57,101 What were they doing? 156 00:07:57,185 --> 00:07:58,019 I don't know! 157 00:07:58,102 --> 00:08:01,772 In all my 400 years, I've never seen anything like that. 158 00:08:01,856 --> 00:08:03,816 But I can't stop thinking about it. 159 00:08:03,900 --> 00:08:05,568 Can't stop thinking about what? 160 00:08:05,651 --> 00:08:09,280 We saw Santa doing something kinda funny with Mrs. Claus. 161 00:08:09,363 --> 00:08:10,281 Funny how? 162 00:08:10,364 --> 00:08:12,200 Like Seinfeld funny? 163 00:08:12,283 --> 00:08:13,242 Not like Seinfeld. 164 00:08:13,326 --> 00:08:14,494 Not exactly like that. 165 00:08:14,577 --> 00:08:16,162 Like Hannah Gadsby funny? 166 00:08:16,245 --> 00:08:17,747 No, it's hard to describe. 167 00:08:17,830 --> 00:08:21,125 Well, if you can't describe it, why don't you show us? 168 00:08:21,209 --> 00:08:23,544 Yeah! Show us what you saw! 169 00:08:23,628 --> 00:08:24,504 We're curious! 170 00:08:24,587 --> 00:08:26,964 I'm a visual learner. Charts and diagrams. 171 00:08:27,048 --> 00:08:30,218 -Well, I guess we could give it a whirl. 172 00:08:30,843 --> 00:08:32,803 One was riding the other, almost. 173 00:08:32,887 --> 00:08:34,639 It was kind of like this, right? 174 00:08:34,722 --> 00:08:36,849 -Oh! Oh, dear. -Oh! Oh-oh! 175 00:08:36,933 --> 00:08:40,853 No, it was faster, and it was also much harder. 176 00:08:40,937 --> 00:08:42,355 -Oh, yes, right there! 177 00:08:42,438 --> 00:08:45,149 Well, what's interesting is that feels fucking fantastic. 178 00:08:45,233 --> 00:08:46,484 I wanna try too! 179 00:08:46,567 --> 00:08:48,194 -This does feel good! 180 00:08:48,277 --> 00:08:50,071 Say something mean to me! 181 00:08:50,154 --> 00:08:51,781 I want to feel embarrassed! 182 00:08:51,864 --> 00:08:54,242 -Golly fuck! 183 00:08:54,325 --> 00:08:55,159 Spit on that! 184 00:08:55,243 --> 00:08:57,370 -I'm in love with you! 185 00:08:57,453 --> 00:08:58,996 Just ruin my ass! 186 00:08:59,080 --> 00:09:00,748 -Mm-hmm. 187 00:09:00,831 --> 00:09:02,333 Okay. Okay. 188 00:09:02,416 --> 00:09:04,710 -Whoo! -Great gumdrops! 189 00:09:04,794 --> 00:09:06,754 Whoa, what's going on in here? 190 00:09:06,837 --> 00:09:08,214 Stop this at once! 191 00:09:08,297 --> 00:09:09,215 Fuck you, Santa! 192 00:09:09,298 --> 00:09:10,508 We quit! 193 00:09:10,591 --> 00:09:13,052 Hey, Santa, Santa? Why don't you watch me cum? 194 00:09:13,135 --> 00:09:14,136 I'm gonna cum right now, 195 00:09:14,220 --> 00:09:16,264 and I want you to look directly into my eyes. 196 00:09:16,347 --> 00:09:18,683 -Oh, oh, dear. -How are you doing with all this? 197 00:09:18,766 --> 00:09:21,644 -Hanging in there, buddy? -Well, Christmas is ruined. 198 00:09:21,727 --> 00:09:25,273 Yeah, they're adult elves, you probably should've just told them about sex. 199 00:09:25,356 --> 00:09:28,025 I probably should have. 200 00:09:28,109 --> 00:09:30,695 Anyway, I'm gonna go cover that gingerbread man over there 201 00:09:30,778 --> 00:09:34,282 with my frosting, which is, of course, and I can't stress this enough, 202 00:09:34,365 --> 00:09:35,866 my cum. 203 00:09:35,950 --> 00:09:36,784 I see. 204 00:09:36,867 --> 00:09:39,996 Well, I suppose children around the world are going to have 205 00:09:40,079 --> 00:09:42,790 a very different kind of Christmas this year. 206 00:09:44,041 --> 00:09:48,546 Ew, a moist Post-It note that says, "I owe you an iPhone"? 207 00:09:49,380 --> 00:09:50,715 Oh! What? 208 00:09:50,798 --> 00:09:54,302 Tony Macaroni, Chef Boyardee, and all the saints! 209 00:09:54,385 --> 00:09:57,263 Santa got me exactly what I wanted. 210 00:09:57,346 --> 00:10:00,433 It's two little friends making thick in the warm! 211 00:10:00,516 --> 00:10:03,728 Yeah, you like to watch, you sick, dirty fuck! 212 00:10:03,811 --> 00:10:05,313 Look at the box again. 213 00:10:05,396 --> 00:10:06,272 Uh-huh. 214 00:10:06,355 --> 00:10:08,065 Okay. 215 00:10:08,149 --> 00:10:09,942 Okay. 216 00:10:10,610 --> 00:10:13,613 Well, we told you you were gonna see Santa's dick. 217 00:10:13,696 --> 00:10:15,906 But we threw in them sweaty balls 218 00:10:15,990 --> 00:10:17,908 as a special Christmas surprise. 219 00:10:19,076 --> 00:10:20,911 Connie, the guests are gonna be here any minute. 220 00:10:20,995 --> 00:10:24,498 Will you just get off your sweet felt ass and walk the penises, please? 221 00:10:24,582 --> 00:10:25,875 They're not my penises! 222 00:10:25,958 --> 00:10:27,209 Okay, here we go. 223 00:10:27,293 --> 00:10:29,045 You loved them when they were cute, 224 00:10:29,128 --> 00:10:30,796 -little pup penises. 225 00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:33,341 Wait, is that my vibrator or yours? 226 00:10:33,424 --> 00:10:35,176 -God damn it! -Uh-oh, who bailed now? 227 00:10:35,259 --> 00:10:39,513 Simon Sex just wrote that he was murdered at Epcot Center. 228 00:10:39,597 --> 00:10:41,599 That sounds like a lie, doesn't it? 229 00:10:41,682 --> 00:10:44,602 Well, I just hope he died doing what he loved, 230 00:10:44,685 --> 00:10:46,479 -standing in line. 231 00:10:46,562 --> 00:10:49,190 Oh, thank God. At least somebody fucking showed up. 232 00:10:50,107 --> 00:10:53,069 -Oh, my. Am I the first one here? 233 00:10:53,152 --> 00:10:55,613 Yeah, Merry Christmas to you too, Shame Wizard. 234 00:10:55,696 --> 00:10:57,406 By the way, it's still early. 235 00:10:57,490 --> 00:10:58,908 Is it? Oh. 236 00:10:58,991 --> 00:11:01,702 I've just come from Kermit the Frog's party, 237 00:11:01,786 --> 00:11:02,745 and it was packed. 238 00:11:02,828 --> 00:11:05,414 It was quite fun, actually, 239 00:11:05,498 --> 00:11:08,417 until he called his girlfriend a pig in front of everyone. 240 00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:11,128 He's a mean drunk, is Kermit the Frog. 241 00:11:11,212 --> 00:11:15,591 Yeah, well, people'll be here any minute now, buster. 242 00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:16,967 You'll see! 243 00:11:17,051 --> 00:11:20,012 -Oh, but Constance, I'm afraid I will not, 244 00:11:20,096 --> 00:11:22,473 for I… I must be heading out. 245 00:11:22,556 --> 00:11:24,517 What? You--you just got here. 246 00:11:24,600 --> 00:11:26,018 I'm sorry, but, uh… 247 00:11:26,102 --> 00:11:29,438 I've--I've just been murdered at Epcot Center. 248 00:11:29,522 --> 00:11:32,233 Good luck with your terrible party! 249 00:11:32,316 --> 00:11:34,944 Oh, Connie, this whole thing's a bust! 250 00:11:35,027 --> 00:11:37,113 We've got bigger problems, baby. 251 00:11:37,196 --> 00:11:40,157 One of your penises left a present under the tree. 252 00:11:40,241 --> 00:11:41,826 I'll give you one hint. 253 00:11:41,909 --> 00:11:42,910 It's dick doodie. 254 00:11:48,666 --> 00:11:51,252 Hey, Luda! What do you think of my new Christmas tree? 255 00:11:51,335 --> 00:11:56,048 I stole it from this kid Charlie Brown who has, like, two hairs on his head. 256 00:11:56,132 --> 00:11:57,591 I think he might be sick. 257 00:11:57,675 --> 00:11:59,885 Brrish! Brish! Chris! 258 00:11:59,969 --> 00:12:01,595 Christmas… Christmas. 259 00:12:01,679 --> 00:12:04,223 What does Christmas mean to me? 260 00:12:04,306 --> 00:12:05,933 Revenge. 261 00:12:06,016 --> 00:12:07,893 It was Christmas Eve, 262 00:12:07,977 --> 00:12:10,980 and Anthony and I were bringing squeezy toys and chicken skin 263 00:12:11,063 --> 00:12:12,940 -to underprivileged puppies. 264 00:12:13,023 --> 00:12:15,151 Only back then, I wasn't Luda. 265 00:12:15,234 --> 00:12:16,944 -I was… 266 00:12:17,027 --> 00:12:17,862 Pretzel! 267 00:12:17,945 --> 00:12:18,946 You little scamp. 268 00:12:19,029 --> 00:12:21,282 We got to deliver these presents and get home. 269 00:12:21,365 --> 00:12:23,451 -Aw, I love you too, boy! 270 00:12:23,534 --> 00:12:24,452 Oh! 271 00:12:24,577 --> 00:12:27,997 Uh, happy holidays… Uh, uh, what can I do for you gentlemen? 272 00:12:28,080 --> 00:12:29,206 Looks like someone 273 00:12:29,290 --> 00:12:31,500 -brought us some gifts, boys. 274 00:12:31,584 --> 00:12:33,335 Oh, you shouldn't have. 275 00:12:34,336 --> 00:12:36,797 I'm sorry. These presents are for underprivileged puppies. 276 00:12:36,881 --> 00:12:40,551 Well, it looks like we are underprivileged puppies now. 277 00:12:40,634 --> 00:12:42,011 Woof, woof. 278 00:12:42,094 --> 00:12:44,054 -Yeah! -No, please! 279 00:12:47,725 --> 00:12:50,269 They made two mistakes that night. 280 00:12:50,352 --> 00:12:52,354 Killing my best friend, 281 00:12:52,438 --> 00:12:55,399 -and letting me live. 282 00:12:55,483 --> 00:12:56,817 -What a surprise. 283 00:12:56,901 --> 00:13:00,571 This doggy toy is filled with cheese. 284 00:13:00,654 --> 00:13:02,031 Where did you get? 285 00:13:02,114 --> 00:13:05,826 From some stupid man and his fat dog, eh, Pretzel. 286 00:13:05,910 --> 00:13:07,745 "Pretzel"? 287 00:13:07,828 --> 00:13:09,538 -What a silly name. 288 00:13:09,622 --> 00:13:11,624 Uh, wait, what is this? Dark now? 289 00:13:15,085 --> 00:13:16,337 Agh! 290 00:13:26,472 --> 00:13:29,141 -Ahh! 291 00:13:39,068 --> 00:13:40,861 -Ahh! 292 00:13:42,196 --> 00:13:43,823 -Ah! 293 00:13:46,158 --> 00:13:49,078 Oh, please. Don't kill me. I'll get you anything you want. 294 00:13:49,161 --> 00:13:51,872 Money, drugs, table food. Anything! 295 00:13:51,956 --> 00:13:54,542 Rrrnd. Rend. 296 00:13:54,625 --> 00:13:55,459 Friend. 297 00:13:55,543 --> 00:13:58,420 I want my best friend back… 298 00:13:58,504 --> 00:14:00,506 …you son of a bitch! 299 00:14:07,179 --> 00:14:10,641 I want that dog put down! 300 00:14:23,946 --> 00:14:26,282 -Holy Manute Boli, 301 00:14:26,365 --> 00:14:29,118 now I'm in Jay's dog's movie? 302 00:14:29,201 --> 00:14:30,244 Hi! 303 00:14:33,163 --> 00:14:35,416 -Bye! 304 00:14:35,499 --> 00:14:36,584 Ooh! 305 00:14:44,341 --> 00:14:47,011 Merry Christmas, Nicky! Open your presents! 306 00:14:47,094 --> 00:14:48,721 A motorized scooter! 307 00:14:48,804 --> 00:14:49,972 And a drone! 308 00:14:50,055 --> 00:14:54,685 -That's holding Mets tickets! -And a big hug from your little daddy. 309 00:14:54,768 --> 00:14:58,939 Another picture-perfect Christmas for the Birch family. 310 00:14:59,023 --> 00:14:59,857 Good for Nick. 311 00:14:59,940 --> 00:15:02,443 Andrew! Put down your phone, you schmendrick! 312 00:15:02,526 --> 00:15:05,237 We're celebrating an olive oil-based miracle. 313 00:15:05,321 --> 00:15:07,698 Oy gevalt. It's still Hanukkah? 314 00:15:07,781 --> 00:15:09,658 Now open your terrible present. 315 00:15:09,742 --> 00:15:12,494 Surprise! It's a notebook from Walgreens! 316 00:15:12,578 --> 00:15:15,706 And it's got "Fox News Babies" on the cover? 317 00:15:15,789 --> 00:15:18,751 And tomorrow night, you're getting diet M&Ms. 318 00:15:19,335 --> 00:15:23,756 There is no greater injustice than being a Jewish boy on Christmas. 319 00:15:23,839 --> 00:15:25,549 You really are missing out. 320 00:15:25,633 --> 00:15:28,969 Christmas is the perfect orgy of bright lights, 321 00:15:29,053 --> 00:15:31,096 dairy-based alcoholic beverages, 322 00:15:31,180 --> 00:15:34,224 and great deals at your local Honda dealership. 323 00:15:34,308 --> 00:15:39,021 Oh, what I wouldn't give to have my parents debase and bankrupt themselves 324 00:15:39,104 --> 00:15:40,898 to give me one perfect Noel. 325 00:15:40,981 --> 00:15:43,609 Andrew, hold still. There's a pube on your cheek. 326 00:15:43,692 --> 00:15:45,527 My bush is untenable. 327 00:15:45,611 --> 00:15:46,445 No, no, no, no. 328 00:15:46,528 --> 00:15:49,698 If you find a pube on your cheek, you get to make a wish! 329 00:15:49,782 --> 00:15:53,410 Well, then, I wish I was… …Christian. 330 00:16:04,838 --> 00:16:08,425 Oh, come on! 331 00:16:10,636 --> 00:16:13,138 Oh, no! My eyes! I'm blind! 332 00:16:13,222 --> 00:16:16,934 I'm gonna have to listen to the Mets on the radio like some fucking barber. 333 00:16:17,017 --> 00:16:17,851 What the… 334 00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:20,270 Am I Spider-Man? 335 00:16:20,354 --> 00:16:21,397 Hi-ya! 336 00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:22,648 Oh. 337 00:16:22,731 --> 00:16:23,565 Probably not. 338 00:16:24,149 --> 00:16:25,693 A Smeg fridge? 339 00:16:25,776 --> 00:16:29,113 What happened to the old one that smelled like newspapers on the inside? 340 00:16:29,196 --> 00:16:30,572 -Andy! -Oh. 341 00:16:30,656 --> 00:16:33,450 We've been waiting all morning to spoil you! 342 00:16:33,534 --> 00:16:35,744 -What? Why? -And we made your favorite! 343 00:16:35,828 --> 00:16:38,539 Store-bought cake and normal M&Ms. 344 00:16:38,622 --> 00:16:41,291 Bullshit. What's your angle, Glouberman? 345 00:16:41,375 --> 00:16:42,584 Who's Glouberman? 346 00:16:42,668 --> 00:16:44,378 -I'm Martin Kent. -Huh? 347 00:16:44,461 --> 00:16:46,338 Andrew, you gotta come see this. 348 00:16:47,339 --> 00:16:49,633 Your wish upon a pube came true! 349 00:16:49,717 --> 00:16:51,427 I'm a Christian! 350 00:16:51,510 --> 00:16:53,637 Son, there's no gift in the world 351 00:16:53,721 --> 00:16:56,598 that could ever capture the deep love that I feel for you. 352 00:16:56,682 --> 00:16:58,350 Are you fucking kidding me? 353 00:16:58,434 --> 00:17:00,269 But I hope this comes close. 354 00:17:00,352 --> 00:17:02,604 Holy Gary, mother of Todd. 355 00:17:02,688 --> 00:17:04,773 These dumb WASPs bought me a Range Rover! 356 00:17:04,857 --> 00:17:08,110 Oh, and it's positively filled with guns! 357 00:17:37,139 --> 00:17:38,307 La! 358 00:17:38,390 --> 00:17:41,310 I can't believe my parents let me drink gin. 359 00:17:41,393 --> 00:17:44,438 And now, the perfect end to a perfect day. 360 00:17:44,521 --> 00:17:45,481 Oh, yeah. 361 00:17:45,564 --> 00:17:48,984 I'm gonna have an appetizer, entree, and dessert 362 00:17:49,068 --> 00:17:51,403 from Andy's Dick Squeeze Cafe. 363 00:17:51,487 --> 00:17:53,197 -And Creamery! 364 00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:55,491 -Whoa, come on, dude! -Jesus? 365 00:17:55,574 --> 00:17:59,119 Yeah! And I didn't gruesomely die on a cross in direct sunlight 366 00:17:59,203 --> 00:18:00,579 so you could diddle yourself! 367 00:18:00,662 --> 00:18:04,083 So wait, do Christians not like it when you rubby the pee-pee? 368 00:18:04,166 --> 00:18:06,460 -My dad says it's a huge sin… 369 00:18:06,543 --> 00:18:08,545 …and he is psycho about that stuff! 370 00:18:09,004 --> 00:18:12,257 -Floor! Oh, shit! 371 00:18:14,134 --> 00:18:15,803 Oh, no. Am I in Arizona? 372 00:18:15,886 --> 00:18:17,971 Andrew, I actually think you're in Hell. 373 00:18:18,055 --> 00:18:19,973 Oh, thank God. Well, listen. 374 00:18:20,057 --> 00:18:25,020 If I'm stuck here for all eternity, I might as well finish what I started-- 375 00:18:25,104 --> 00:18:27,856 What? Use me to stroke your disgusting dick? 376 00:18:27,940 --> 00:18:29,483 Holy shit, no! 377 00:18:29,566 --> 00:18:32,236 Oh, Andrew, your hands are your dad! 378 00:18:32,319 --> 00:18:35,114 -And his hands are chainsaws? 379 00:18:35,197 --> 00:18:37,199 Rusty chainsaws! 380 00:18:37,282 --> 00:18:39,368 Hey! Let's cut off his pecker! 381 00:18:39,451 --> 00:18:40,994 Yeah! Slice it right off! 382 00:18:43,872 --> 00:18:44,915 Oh, thank God, 383 00:18:44,998 --> 00:18:46,041 I'm alive, 384 00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:48,544 and my hands are delicate and beautiful again. 385 00:18:48,627 --> 00:18:50,504 You there, boy! Oh, tell me. 386 00:18:50,587 --> 00:18:52,214 Do I look Jewish to you? 387 00:18:52,297 --> 00:18:55,134 Yes, you have traditionally Jewish features! 388 00:18:55,217 --> 00:18:56,802 Oh, Maury! 389 00:18:56,885 --> 00:18:59,555 It's the greatest Hanukkah gift of them all! 390 00:18:59,638 --> 00:19:02,516 -You talking cash? -No, I'm Jewish again. 391 00:19:02,599 --> 00:19:07,646 And I wouldn't buy a Range Rover if I made $10 million a year. 392 00:19:07,729 --> 00:19:10,649 The Ford Fusion is a perfectly good car. 393 00:19:10,732 --> 00:19:13,986 And to all of you at home, happy Hanukkah! 394 00:19:14,069 --> 00:19:16,196 Hey, don't talk directly to the audience. 395 00:19:16,280 --> 00:19:18,991 Who do you think you are? The Fleabag? 396 00:19:22,202 --> 00:19:24,830 What news arrives from your mother, m'lady? 397 00:19:24,913 --> 00:19:28,709 Is she still traveling hither and yon in pursuit of the band Hoobastank? 398 00:19:28,792 --> 00:19:32,629 Reading… "Hey, girl, not gonna be back for Christmas. 399 00:19:32,713 --> 00:19:34,506 Here's a Hoobastank tank 400 00:19:34,590 --> 00:19:36,592 and a pack of their proprietary gum, 401 00:19:36,675 --> 00:19:38,051 Hooba Booba. 402 00:19:38,135 --> 00:19:40,095 Your sister, Mom." 403 00:19:40,179 --> 00:19:41,805 I'm so sorry, My Queen. 404 00:19:41,889 --> 00:19:44,016 I thought she might be home for Christmas this year. 405 00:19:44,099 --> 00:19:46,268 Yeah, well, I thought "fruip" ended with a "P", 406 00:19:46,351 --> 00:19:48,270 so I guess none of us knows anything. 407 00:19:48,353 --> 00:19:50,355 Are you saying "fruit" with a "T"? 408 00:19:50,439 --> 00:19:53,108 Yeah, everybody gets fruip-cake for the holidays, 409 00:19:53,192 --> 00:19:54,776 and nobody wants it, 410 00:19:54,860 --> 00:19:56,695 just like Lola. 411 00:19:57,779 --> 00:20:00,449 Come on, Alanabeth, we're late for our mother-daughter spray tans! 412 00:20:00,532 --> 00:20:02,826 I promise I'll close my eyes this time. 413 00:20:02,910 --> 00:20:04,786 You do whatever you want, sweetie. 414 00:20:04,870 --> 00:20:06,955 It's Christmas. I love you! 415 00:20:07,039 --> 00:20:10,500 Gasp! A gush of inspiration! 416 00:20:11,084 --> 00:20:12,753 Spaghetti… Cool. 417 00:20:12,836 --> 00:20:15,214 A tinfoil belly button ring, 418 00:20:15,297 --> 00:20:16,506 lip gloss… 419 00:20:16,590 --> 00:20:19,426 …Fritos for nails, 420 00:20:19,509 --> 00:20:21,136 and the Hoobastank tank… 421 00:20:21,220 --> 00:20:24,556 Oh, my Snowmom! 422 00:20:27,309 --> 00:20:31,897 Oh, my God, my Snowmom has absolutely sprung to life. 423 00:20:31,980 --> 00:20:36,193 Shall we embark on an escapade in this winter wonderland? 424 00:20:40,572 --> 00:20:43,951 Yes, sledding! Oh, glee! 425 00:20:44,034 --> 00:20:46,787 -Freezing cold boobies. 426 00:20:46,870 --> 00:20:48,413 -Boner alert! 427 00:20:49,414 --> 00:20:52,501 -I love you so much, Mommy. 428 00:20:52,584 --> 00:20:55,087 -Oh! Hey! Ow! -You didn't, like, invent moms, 429 00:20:55,170 --> 00:20:57,965 you caramelized, little sweet-for-nothing bitch! 430 00:20:58,048 --> 00:20:59,299 -Oh! 431 00:21:00,175 --> 00:21:03,470 What do you think, Snowmom? Should we bake some gingerbread hotties 432 00:21:03,553 --> 00:21:05,013 and decorate this tree? 433 00:21:05,097 --> 00:21:06,390 -Ah! Snowmom? 434 00:21:06,473 --> 00:21:09,476 -Oh, no! 435 00:21:11,603 --> 00:21:14,439 Rodney, my mom's parole officer? 436 00:21:14,523 --> 00:21:16,817 Yeah, you don't need to call me that every time though. 437 00:21:16,900 --> 00:21:19,403 You're honestly, like, a very tertiary character, Rodney. 438 00:21:19,486 --> 00:21:22,322 -What do you want? -Well, I got a postcard from your mom. 439 00:21:22,406 --> 00:21:25,492 Please, you're not special. I got one of those postcards too. 440 00:21:25,575 --> 00:21:28,078 Yeah, and, you know, since she's not gonna be here, 441 00:21:28,161 --> 00:21:30,956 and I got this extra-large chicken parm sub, 442 00:21:31,039 --> 00:21:34,293 I thought, I don't know, maybe you could help me finish it? 443 00:21:34,376 --> 00:21:37,754 And what, pray tell, am I supposed to wash it down with, Rodney? 444 00:21:37,838 --> 00:21:39,089 Oh, I don't know. 445 00:21:39,172 --> 00:21:41,383 How about a nice Barq's Diet Creme Soda? 446 00:21:41,466 --> 00:21:46,513 Oh, well, then I look forward to the sweet and savory burps 447 00:21:46,596 --> 00:21:49,474 that this combination will behold. 448 00:21:57,232 --> 00:21:59,568 You know what? Fuck everyone I've ever met. 449 00:21:59,651 --> 00:22:01,445 We'll do the party without any of them. 450 00:22:01,528 --> 00:22:03,488 -Right, Connie? -I don't know, Maury. 451 00:22:03,572 --> 00:22:05,824 I think I had too much jingle juice. 452 00:22:05,907 --> 00:22:07,159 I might just go to bed. 453 00:22:07,242 --> 00:22:08,243 But you can't! 454 00:22:08,327 --> 00:22:11,788 I made a fire and I need you to stick the tree up my ass. 455 00:22:11,872 --> 00:22:14,249 -Can't we do it in the morning? -No! 456 00:22:14,333 --> 00:22:17,294 -In my family, we do it on Christmas Eve. 457 00:22:17,377 --> 00:22:21,340 Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! You hear that? Sounds like the walls are coughing! 458 00:22:21,423 --> 00:22:22,966 Oh, no, I forgot! 459 00:22:23,050 --> 00:22:24,968 Rick was supposed to surprise everyone 460 00:22:25,052 --> 00:22:28,472 by coming down the chimney dressed as a lingerie Santa! 461 00:22:28,555 --> 00:22:30,390 -Ahh! 462 00:22:31,767 --> 00:22:33,226 Ho-ho… 463 00:22:33,310 --> 00:22:34,853 Hospital. 464 00:22:34,936 --> 00:22:37,522 Oh, sweet Rick, are you okay? 465 00:22:37,606 --> 00:22:40,275 Oh, my skin, it's boiling! 466 00:22:40,359 --> 00:22:44,446 You still want me to lick a candy cane like it's your pee-pee? 467 00:22:44,529 --> 00:22:46,281 I mean, if you can. 468 00:22:46,365 --> 00:22:47,616 Okay. 469 00:22:48,700 --> 00:22:51,036 -Oh, shit! Rick's dead! 470 00:22:51,119 --> 00:22:53,497 And I never had the chance to tell him 471 00:22:53,580 --> 00:22:55,999 that I never loved him. 472 00:23:02,672 --> 00:23:05,258 Christmas wolf! Ho-ho! 473 00:23:05,342 --> 00:23:06,968 Okay. Easy, tiger. 474 00:23:07,052 --> 00:23:10,013 I can't believe we have to wait four more days until we get our presents. 475 00:23:10,097 --> 00:23:12,432 I hope when I walk up to the tree that morning, 476 00:23:12,516 --> 00:23:13,892 there's a card that says, 477 00:23:13,975 --> 00:23:18,605 "A charitable donation has been made in your name to Mulch for America." 478 00:23:18,688 --> 00:23:20,690 Oh! It's such important work. 479 00:23:20,774 --> 00:23:23,193 Very interesting, your Christmas traditions, 480 00:23:23,276 --> 00:23:24,361 all about the gifts. 481 00:23:24,444 --> 00:23:26,905 This glorification of consumption… 482 00:23:26,988 --> 00:23:28,073 So very American. 483 00:23:28,156 --> 00:23:30,784 Uncle Sam's club, big bottle root beer cola… 484 00:23:30,867 --> 00:23:33,537 In our country, Christmas is quite different. 485 00:23:33,620 --> 00:23:35,247 It's a celebration of life! 486 00:23:35,330 --> 00:23:37,499 Come on, your Christmas isn't that different! 487 00:23:37,582 --> 00:23:39,584 Yeah, what, do you wear candles on your head? 488 00:23:39,668 --> 00:23:41,878 Call Santa "Papa Winter" or something? 489 00:23:41,962 --> 00:23:43,338 Ha-ha! No! 490 00:23:43,422 --> 00:23:45,132 Our Santa is called… 491 00:23:45,215 --> 00:23:46,675 Vader Johan. 492 00:23:46,758 --> 00:23:49,136 In our country, on the eve of Christmas, 493 00:23:49,219 --> 00:23:51,888 we put baubles on the branches of the trees, 494 00:23:51,972 --> 00:23:55,350 -drink jurgennektaar, the salted eel milk… 495 00:23:55,434 --> 00:23:58,353 …and place our painted eggs on the windowsill. 496 00:23:58,437 --> 00:24:01,648 Then, when daylight is no more, the bell is rung. 497 00:24:01,731 --> 00:24:04,276 -This means Vader Johan approaches. 498 00:24:05,235 --> 00:24:06,153 It has begun. 499 00:24:07,195 --> 00:24:10,782 The bell awakens Vader Johan from the bottom of the river. 500 00:24:10,866 --> 00:24:15,203 This is where he lives, in a castle made of children's bones. 501 00:24:18,039 --> 00:24:20,041 -A braid of 40 eels… 502 00:24:20,125 --> 00:24:22,544 …brings Vader Johan to the surface. 503 00:24:22,627 --> 00:24:24,296 Now you can smell him. 504 00:24:24,379 --> 00:24:27,466 His odor is that of cod and black licorice. 505 00:24:27,549 --> 00:24:29,342 He has the body of a walrus, 506 00:24:29,426 --> 00:24:31,219 the sharp teeth of a dolphin, 507 00:24:31,303 --> 00:24:33,722 and the legs of countless crabs. 508 00:24:33,805 --> 00:24:36,600 He plays a flute made of… you guessed it… 509 00:24:36,683 --> 00:24:38,643 Children's bones. 510 00:24:40,562 --> 00:24:42,939 And in our country, it does not matter 511 00:24:43,023 --> 00:24:44,816 if you are naughty or nice, 512 00:24:44,900 --> 00:24:47,402 for all the bones taste the same to… 513 00:24:47,486 --> 00:24:48,862 …Vader Johan. 514 00:24:48,945 --> 00:24:54,242 Your only hope is to trick Vader Johan into believing you are already dead, 515 00:24:54,326 --> 00:24:56,661 and therefore not fresh and tasty. 516 00:24:56,745 --> 00:24:59,372 You do this by sleeping in your child coffin… 517 00:24:59,456 --> 00:25:00,957 …okay? 518 00:25:01,041 --> 00:25:04,544 And this is when you pray to the Mongoose King. 519 00:25:04,628 --> 00:25:06,505 -Oh, Mongoose King, 520 00:25:06,588 --> 00:25:10,300 please protect my tender child bones from the jaws of Vader Johan, 521 00:25:10,383 --> 00:25:12,552 and do enjoy these eggs I have left for you. 522 00:25:12,636 --> 00:25:14,804 In Jesus' Christ's name, amen. 523 00:25:15,430 --> 00:25:19,226 Uh-oh, Vader Johan can hear your blood! 524 00:25:19,309 --> 00:25:20,435 Perhaps you are lucky 525 00:25:20,519 --> 00:25:24,481 and your window eggs and prayers have attracted the Mongoose King. 526 00:25:24,564 --> 00:25:28,318 He eats your eggs and challenges Vader Johan to a battle of… 527 00:25:28,401 --> 00:25:31,488 -…dance. 528 00:25:36,117 --> 00:25:37,577 There is always the chance 529 00:25:37,661 --> 00:25:41,456 that the nimble and clever Mongoose King will be victorious. 530 00:25:41,540 --> 00:25:44,167 But tonight, he is danced into… 531 00:25:44,251 --> 00:25:45,377 …cream. 532 00:25:46,670 --> 00:25:52,092 And Vader Johan has his kinderbotfeest, the child bone dinner. 533 00:25:53,552 --> 00:25:54,886 But the cream, 534 00:25:54,970 --> 00:25:59,182 this is the cream that we eat together with our families on 29 December. 535 00:25:59,266 --> 00:26:02,018 So a Merry Christmas is had by all. 536 00:26:02,102 --> 00:26:05,313 Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait! So the kid died? 537 00:26:05,397 --> 00:26:07,691 He did not die, he was consumed. 538 00:26:07,774 --> 00:26:10,443 He lives on in the bowels of Vader Johan. 539 00:26:10,527 --> 00:26:12,028 I'm pretty sure he died, guys. 540 00:26:12,112 --> 00:26:17,284 Um, Vader Johan, uh, he goes away after Christmas, right? 541 00:26:17,367 --> 00:26:21,621 Oh, no, Vader Johan is always hungry for children. 542 00:26:21,705 --> 00:26:25,292 Like your precious food president, Ronald McDonald. 543 00:26:25,375 --> 00:26:27,711 Oh, yes, this reminds me… 544 00:26:43,768 --> 00:26:44,728 -Help me! 545 00:26:44,811 --> 00:26:47,063 I don't wanna live in Vader Johan's bowels! 546 00:26:47,147 --> 00:26:49,691 Will you share the story of Vader Johan? 547 00:26:49,774 --> 00:26:52,902 -Your child bones depend on it. 548 00:27:02,746 --> 00:27:04,831 Wake up, Matthew. 549 00:27:04,914 --> 00:27:07,083 Let's go downstairs and catch Santa 550 00:27:07,167 --> 00:27:09,336 while he's putting all the presents underneath the tree. 551 00:27:09,419 --> 00:27:11,630 Oh, Brittany, go back to sleep. 552 00:27:11,713 --> 00:27:13,715 -There is no Santa. -What? 553 00:27:13,798 --> 00:27:16,509 Yeah, Mom and Dad leave all the presents. 554 00:27:16,593 --> 00:27:17,761 Santa's not… 555 00:27:17,844 --> 00:27:19,179 …real. 556 00:27:19,262 --> 00:27:21,806 -Good Lord. I'm not real? 557 00:27:24,893 --> 00:27:27,395 No, no. It can't be. 558 00:27:27,479 --> 00:27:29,564 I-I'm as real as these flying reindeer. 559 00:27:29,648 --> 00:27:32,817 Although now that I think about it, can reindeer fly? 560 00:27:32,901 --> 00:27:33,985 Oh! Oh! 561 00:27:37,405 --> 00:27:39,449 Have I been delusional all this time? 562 00:27:39,532 --> 00:27:44,412 How can one man possibly deliver presents all over the world in a single night? 563 00:27:44,496 --> 00:27:47,123 I'm supposed to be thousands of years old. 564 00:27:47,207 --> 00:27:49,084 I look 65, tops! 565 00:27:49,167 --> 00:27:53,004 If I really drank a million glasses of milk in one night, 566 00:27:53,088 --> 00:27:56,800 I'd make a terrible mess in my Santa pants. 567 00:27:56,883 --> 00:28:00,637 Excuse me, Santa, how come I never get a present for Christmas? 568 00:28:00,720 --> 00:28:03,139 Is it because of that time I did arson on a 7-Eleven? 569 00:28:03,223 --> 00:28:04,432 Don't ask me, kid. 570 00:28:04,516 --> 00:28:08,687 I'm just some big, fat nutjob in a silly red suit. 571 00:28:08,770 --> 00:28:10,355 Yeah, my dad says you're not real, 572 00:28:10,438 --> 00:28:12,565 but he says a lot of things just to make me cry. 573 00:28:12,649 --> 00:28:15,068 Yeah, well, at least you exist. 574 00:28:17,779 --> 00:28:20,407 Can we turn that goddamn music off? 575 00:28:20,490 --> 00:28:22,325 -Jesus Christ. 576 00:28:22,409 --> 00:28:25,495 What in the Grinch's emerald green asshole was that? 577 00:28:25,578 --> 00:28:27,622 We got you now, Pretzel. 578 00:28:27,706 --> 00:28:29,290 -You'll have to let me know 579 00:28:29,374 --> 00:28:32,836 -if all dogs do, in fact, go to heaven. 580 00:28:32,919 --> 00:28:35,672 That movie, to me, is good animation. 581 00:28:35,755 --> 00:28:38,007 Nothing nasty, just nice story. 582 00:28:38,091 --> 00:28:39,467 Leave him alone! 583 00:28:39,551 --> 00:28:41,219 Who the fuck is this guy? 584 00:28:41,302 --> 00:28:43,680 I'm motherfucking Santa Claus! 585 00:28:43,763 --> 00:28:45,473 Oh, yeah? 586 00:28:45,557 --> 00:28:48,727 Well, then, I guess I am Easter Bunny? 587 00:28:48,810 --> 00:28:50,687 -I know the Easter Bunny, 588 00:28:50,770 --> 00:28:52,856 I work with the Easter Bunny, 589 00:28:52,939 --> 00:28:56,359 and you, sir, are no Easter Bunny! 590 00:28:56,443 --> 00:28:57,736 Yeah! 591 00:29:01,364 --> 00:29:03,825 -Hi-yah! 592 00:29:08,580 --> 00:29:09,956 Ya koshka. 593 00:29:10,039 --> 00:29:13,710 -This is Russian for "I am cat person." 594 00:29:13,793 --> 00:29:15,336 No! 595 00:29:17,046 --> 00:29:19,257 -Agh! 596 00:29:19,340 --> 00:29:22,343 Maybe I… am real. 597 00:29:22,427 --> 00:29:25,054 -They'll never stop coming for you. 598 00:29:25,138 --> 00:29:27,223 -Isn't that right, boy? 599 00:29:29,225 --> 00:29:32,270 Just maybe you can find some peace here. 600 00:29:36,608 --> 00:29:39,527 Holy shit! I knew Santa was real. 601 00:29:39,611 --> 00:29:41,571 He got me a pit bull! Oh, my God! 602 00:29:41,654 --> 00:29:45,450 I'm gonna name you "Featuring Ludacris." 603 00:29:45,533 --> 00:29:46,534 No parentheses. 604 00:29:46,618 --> 00:29:48,286 Brrrll. Brrill. Kill. 605 00:29:48,369 --> 00:29:52,415 Kill. Kill. Kill one man, and you are a murderer. 606 00:29:52,499 --> 00:29:56,711 Kill them all, and you are a god. 607 00:29:58,296 --> 00:30:02,050 Merry Christmas to all, and to all… 608 00:30:02,133 --> 00:30:04,093 …a good night. 609 00:30:11,976 --> 00:30:17,148 And all I really wanted was an absolutely picture-perfect Christmas party 610 00:30:17,232 --> 00:30:20,193 that would be remembered even after the world ended. 611 00:30:20,276 --> 00:30:22,779 But instead, I booted tummy juice on the couch, 612 00:30:22,862 --> 00:30:25,365 nobody showed up, and Rick's dead. 613 00:30:25,448 --> 00:30:27,617 Is me recapping this helpful to you? 614 00:30:27,700 --> 00:30:28,827 No, it's not. 615 00:30:28,910 --> 00:30:30,578 Ooh! The sword! 616 00:30:30,662 --> 00:30:34,123 Yep, as is customary in hormone monster culture, 617 00:30:34,207 --> 00:30:37,752 we must now decapitate dear, dead Rick and fuck his skull… 618 00:30:37,836 --> 00:30:41,005 That he may rest his weary, cum-filled head. 619 00:30:41,089 --> 00:30:43,675 In Jesus Christ's name, amen. 620 00:30:43,758 --> 00:30:46,386 Yeah, cut off my fuckin' head nice and slow. 621 00:30:46,469 --> 00:30:48,263 -Rick! -You're alive! 622 00:30:48,346 --> 00:30:51,015 Nothing can kill me! That's my curse, baby! 623 00:30:51,099 --> 00:30:54,143 Oh, Rick, just seeing you again makes me feel like 624 00:30:54,227 --> 00:30:57,230 I could dance the Mongoose King into cream. 625 00:30:57,313 --> 00:31:00,859 -Well, that's what Christmas is all about. 626 00:31:01,860 --> 00:31:05,405 Because Christmastime is when all good boys and girls 627 00:31:05,488 --> 00:31:07,907 do a lap dance for the king of the mall. 628 00:31:07,991 --> 00:31:08,825 What's that now? 629 00:31:08,908 --> 00:31:11,953 You gotta mix and mingle in the jingling feet. 630 00:31:12,036 --> 00:31:14,497 And that is the "Crocodile Rock"! 631 00:31:14,581 --> 00:31:17,166 Maury, this is pitiful. Jump in on this, please? 632 00:31:17,250 --> 00:31:19,544 I think what Rick is saying is 633 00:31:19,627 --> 00:31:24,382 the only thing that matters at Christmas is being with the ones you love. 634 00:31:24,465 --> 00:31:26,342 And I love you guys! 635 00:31:26,426 --> 00:31:27,969 Ah, I love you too. 636 00:31:28,052 --> 00:31:30,430 Even if you did ruin my party. 637 00:31:30,513 --> 00:31:31,347 Merry Christmas! 638 00:31:32,932 --> 00:31:34,225 Uh-oh! Shit, Maury… 639 00:31:34,309 --> 00:31:37,020 …do you smell cod and black licorice? 640 00:31:37,103 --> 00:31:39,647 -Yes, and I hear a braid of eels. 641 00:31:39,731 --> 00:31:43,192 -Uh, did you put out the eggs? -I was too busy getting blackout drunk! 642 00:31:43,276 --> 00:31:47,238 Good thing I know how to dance like a mother baby, fucker. 643 00:31:50,825 --> 00:31:54,203 Vader. 644 00:31:54,287 --> 00:31:56,289 Johan. 645 00:31:57,832 --> 00:32:01,127 Vader Johan. 646 00:32:01,210 --> 00:32:04,464 That's what Christmas is all… …about. 647 00:32:04,547 --> 00:32:07,884 That's what Christmas is all… …about. 648 00:32:07,967 --> 00:32:09,677 …bones. 649 00:32:09,761 --> 00:32:11,387 The bones of… children. 650 00:32:11,471 --> 00:32:13,765 Children's… …bones. 651 00:32:14,933 --> 00:32:17,769 And now you can smell him. 652 00:32:17,852 --> 00:32:21,481 We're going to dance the Mongoose King into… …cream. 653 00:32:21,564 --> 00:32:25,109 That's what Christmas is all… …about. 654 00:32:25,193 --> 00:32:28,780 Vader. 655 00:32:28,863 --> 00:32:31,783 Johan. 656 00:32:31,866 --> 00:32:35,787 Vader. 657 00:32:35,870 --> 00:32:38,790 -Johan.