1 00:00:12,971 --> 00:00:13,847 What are you doing? 2 00:00:13,930 --> 00:00:15,807 I'm getting my tongue into licking shape 3 00:00:15,890 --> 00:00:19,394 so we can do cunnilingus on Ali the second she walks through that door. 4 00:00:19,477 --> 00:00:22,522 Whoa, whoa, whoa. I only had one fantasy about kissing her. 5 00:00:22,605 --> 00:00:25,191 Yeah. And they have a really special friendship 6 00:00:25,275 --> 00:00:26,401 that we don't want to ruin. 7 00:00:26,484 --> 00:00:27,610 Oh, come on. 8 00:00:27,694 --> 00:00:30,989 You can't ruin a friendship with sex. That's a myth. 9 00:00:31,072 --> 00:00:32,323 Oh, shit, she's here. 10 00:00:32,407 --> 00:00:34,868 Ooh, showtime. Eat out your friend! 11 00:00:34,951 --> 00:00:36,911 Or maybe just say hello. 12 00:00:36,995 --> 00:00:38,288 Ali, hi! 13 00:00:38,371 --> 00:00:40,832 Jessi! Since last week sucked ass, 14 00:00:40,915 --> 00:00:43,043 I got you a Frappuccino just how you like it. 15 00:00:43,126 --> 00:00:46,212 Iced chocolate, ten pumps of caramel, no coffee, extra whip. 16 00:00:46,296 --> 00:00:48,006 Oh, my God, you know me so well! 17 00:00:48,089 --> 00:00:50,550 Chill, bitch. I'm obviously drinking half of that. 18 00:00:50,633 --> 00:00:53,428 -You guys, Ali has my order memorized. 19 00:00:53,511 --> 00:00:55,388 Michael Angelo didn't even know my last name. 20 00:00:55,472 --> 00:00:57,807 Will you shut the fuck up! She's taking off her clothes! 21 00:00:57,891 --> 00:01:00,143 Oh, my God, what do I do? Do I look? I wanna look. 22 00:01:00,226 --> 00:01:01,561 Should I look away? What's normal? 23 00:01:01,644 --> 00:01:03,396 See, Connie? You're freaking her out. 24 00:01:03,480 --> 00:01:06,357 But I'm completely transfixed by the boobies! 25 00:01:06,441 --> 00:01:08,151 -Hello? Earth to Jessi! 26 00:01:08,234 --> 00:01:10,278 Oh, right. Right. "Earth to Jessi." 27 00:01:10,361 --> 00:01:13,490 I love our planet. The Earth. Even more than the moon. 28 00:01:13,573 --> 00:01:14,574 Who needs that? 29 00:01:14,657 --> 00:01:17,035 -"Houston, we have a Starbucks." 30 00:01:17,118 --> 00:01:20,997 You funny. Now drink the fucking frappe. I spent my life savings on that shit. 31 00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:23,583 Ooh! This does feel a little different. 32 00:01:23,666 --> 00:01:26,753 Fuck! I'm totally crushing on my best friend. 33 00:01:26,836 --> 00:01:29,964 All this and more on Connie Lingus Tonight. 34 00:02:16,094 --> 00:02:19,806 Dude, can I just say, I love being your sidepiece. 35 00:02:19,889 --> 00:02:24,144 I get to be blackout horny 24/7 with no strings attached? 36 00:02:25,186 --> 00:02:26,688 -Yes, please! -Yeah, whatever. 37 00:02:26,771 --> 00:02:31,484 And having no emotional connection gives me so much time to myself. 38 00:02:31,568 --> 00:02:33,736 Did I tell you I'm thinking about opening a restaurant? 39 00:02:33,820 --> 00:02:37,198 It's sliders, but they're bigger, like hamburger-size! 40 00:02:37,282 --> 00:02:39,409 Hang back so nobody sees us leave together. 41 00:02:39,492 --> 00:02:42,704 Yep, the sidepiece life is pretty awesome. 42 00:02:42,787 --> 00:02:46,374 Way better than being recognized as a human being. 43 00:02:46,457 --> 00:02:48,042 Sidepiece wolf! 44 00:02:49,335 --> 00:02:51,254 Shit. I don't want to go in there! 45 00:02:51,337 --> 00:02:52,172 Oh, come on. 46 00:02:52,255 --> 00:02:54,674 I'm sure everybody forgot about Jessi screaming 47 00:02:54,757 --> 00:02:56,968 that she doesn't want to date you, isn't into you, 48 00:02:57,051 --> 00:03:01,014 and you'll never, under any circumstances, make her horny. 49 00:03:01,097 --> 00:03:03,224 Oh, well, you seem to remember it verbatim. 50 00:03:03,308 --> 00:03:04,934 Oh, honey, I forget nothing. 51 00:03:05,018 --> 00:03:07,562 Oh, shit. Nick, you came back to school 52 00:03:07,645 --> 00:03:10,481 after Jessi basically cut your dick off in front of everybody? 53 00:03:10,565 --> 00:03:12,150 -Oh, fuck! 54 00:03:12,233 --> 00:03:16,362 Okay, my sweet birdies, let's be gentle with our dear friend Nick, 55 00:03:16,446 --> 00:03:18,656 for his fragile heart hath been torn asunder. 56 00:03:18,740 --> 00:03:20,491 What are you doing? I don't like this. 57 00:03:20,575 --> 00:03:24,287 Last week, I was sensitive and kind to my dad, and he almost hugged me. 58 00:03:24,370 --> 00:03:26,748 So this is my new personality. Enjoy. 59 00:03:26,831 --> 00:03:28,416 He's Tender Andrew now. 60 00:03:28,499 --> 00:03:32,921 Sensitive yet fuckable, like my hormone monster friend, Simon Sex. 61 00:03:33,004 --> 00:03:35,298 -"Simon Sex." He sounds-- -Sexy? 62 00:03:35,381 --> 00:03:37,008 No, I was gonna say made up. 63 00:03:37,091 --> 00:03:41,429 Oh, he's very real and very sexy, but he's also a beautiful soul. 64 00:03:41,512 --> 00:03:44,432 We spent most of the '70s eating magic mushrooms together 65 00:03:44,515 --> 00:03:46,726 and masturbating in an open field. 66 00:03:46,809 --> 00:03:49,187 Yo, Nick. If you're feeling shitty about Jessi, 67 00:03:49,270 --> 00:03:51,606 what you need is a boys' night out. 68 00:03:51,689 --> 00:03:53,691 That's what I did after my child divorce from Devin. 69 00:03:53,775 --> 00:03:56,486 Oh, yeah! Real men, we take that heartbreak 70 00:03:56,569 --> 00:03:59,948 and we make it wait in the closet for 20 minutes… 71 00:04:00,031 --> 00:04:02,033 …while we walk away. 72 00:04:02,116 --> 00:04:04,369 -Right, Charles? -Yeah, whatever. 73 00:04:04,452 --> 00:04:09,082 Picture it, bro, I'm telling you. A night for guys to just be guys. 74 00:04:09,165 --> 00:04:11,542 We're all drunk off of vanilla vodka. 75 00:04:11,626 --> 00:04:13,836 No mixers 'cause we're big boys now. 76 00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:15,630 Beautiful women, fast cars. 77 00:04:15,713 --> 00:04:17,465 Everybody's got a fucking sword. 78 00:04:17,548 --> 00:04:19,133 Oh, oh, and Vin Diesel's there. 79 00:04:19,217 --> 00:04:22,053 I like to sing karaoke on Facebook. 80 00:04:22,136 --> 00:04:28,768 Would any of you tall adult men like a bite of sushi off my hard, heavy tits? 81 00:04:28,851 --> 00:04:32,272 Hey, sushi's for vegetarian cucks! Eat me! 82 00:04:32,355 --> 00:04:34,274 -Yeah! 83 00:04:35,483 --> 00:04:37,402 Okay, guys, I'm sorry. Stop picturing that. 84 00:04:37,485 --> 00:04:39,445 I propose an alternative evening. 85 00:04:39,529 --> 00:04:41,990 Dreamweave with me, just for a moment, baby boy. 86 00:04:42,073 --> 00:04:44,534 Ugh, why is your whisper so wet? 87 00:04:44,617 --> 00:04:49,330 Because my mouth's got the hots for a boys' night in. 88 00:04:50,415 --> 00:04:53,793 What I propose is an evening for men to mend, 89 00:04:53,876 --> 00:04:54,919 by looking inward. 90 00:04:55,003 --> 00:04:57,839 We'll share our secrets and travel back to infancy, 91 00:04:57,922 --> 00:05:00,508 then celebrate our growth with a communal orgasm… 92 00:05:00,591 --> 00:05:02,719 -…a group drain, if you will, 93 00:05:02,802 --> 00:05:05,430 -crying and cumming, crying and cumming… 94 00:05:05,513 --> 00:05:07,765 -…in an upsetting crescendo. 95 00:05:07,849 --> 00:05:11,978 That sounds hard, boring, gay and sweaty. Nick, do my thing instead. 96 00:05:12,061 --> 00:05:14,522 I mean, being vulnerable has gotten me nowhere. 97 00:05:14,605 --> 00:05:19,068 And it would be a relief to not think about Jessi for a night. 98 00:05:19,152 --> 00:05:22,113 I like the one where the boys eat the cowboy steak. 99 00:05:22,196 --> 00:05:25,533 Okay, I'm gonna go with Devon's fun plan instead of Andrew's bad one. 100 00:05:25,616 --> 00:05:28,119 Hell yeah! I know the perfect place to go tonight. 101 00:05:28,202 --> 00:05:33,249 Oh, Andrew, I'm sorry they didn't like your hard, boring, gay, sweaty idea. 102 00:05:33,333 --> 00:05:34,500 Oh, don't worry, Maury. 103 00:05:34,584 --> 00:05:37,670 By hook or by crook, there will be a group drain tonight. 104 00:05:37,754 --> 00:05:40,381 The floor will be slick with tears and cum. 105 00:05:40,465 --> 00:05:42,884 Oh, you know who loves tears and cum? 106 00:05:42,967 --> 00:05:45,261 Simon Sex. I'm gonna invite him. 107 00:05:45,345 --> 00:05:48,181 I think the audience would like to see who I'm talking about. 108 00:05:49,265 --> 00:05:52,435 Hi! Hello! You're everything to me. 109 00:05:52,518 --> 00:05:55,730 Hi! Hello! You're everything to me. 110 00:05:55,813 --> 00:05:58,900 And that's how you do two-person fart starters. 111 00:05:58,983 --> 00:06:03,946 -Hi! Hello. You're everything to me. -She's flirting with you! 112 00:06:04,030 --> 00:06:05,615 Spread her knees and dive in there! 113 00:06:05,698 --> 00:06:07,700 Wait, though. Is that even what I want? 114 00:06:07,784 --> 00:06:11,162 Hell yeah! We can go from flirtin' to squirtin' in a lick of a clit. 115 00:06:11,245 --> 00:06:14,290 Ugh, Connie, I don't know if I should have chugged a whole Frappuccino 116 00:06:14,374 --> 00:06:16,042 and then done a bunch of sit-ups. 117 00:06:16,125 --> 00:06:19,962 -Hi. Hello. You're everything to me. -Miss you already. 118 00:06:20,046 --> 00:06:23,049 -Bye! Ugh. -They are the worst, aren't they? 119 00:06:23,132 --> 00:06:25,843 -Yeah, they think they're so cool! -Totally. 120 00:06:25,927 --> 00:06:27,303 Wait, who said that? 121 00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:28,262 I did! 122 00:06:28,346 --> 00:06:30,681 Oh, my gosh, you're very cute. 123 00:06:30,765 --> 00:06:32,850 Aw, thanks, I'm Rochelle. 124 00:06:32,934 --> 00:06:34,018 That's a beautiful name. 125 00:06:34,102 --> 00:06:35,311 You know who's not cute? 126 00:06:35,395 --> 00:06:37,814 -Those fucking bitches. -Oh, wow. Okay, uh, well, 127 00:06:37,897 --> 00:06:40,817 I don't know if I'd call them B-words in the light of day-- 128 00:06:40,900 --> 00:06:41,901 Well, I would. 129 00:06:41,984 --> 00:06:44,695 What they did to you at your affinity group meeting was horrible. 130 00:06:44,779 --> 00:06:45,655 You were there? 131 00:06:45,738 --> 00:06:49,659 All right, you guys, let's get to work making the world a better place. 132 00:06:49,742 --> 00:06:53,621 Screw that! Who wants to do our idea instead of Missy's dorky bullshit? 133 00:06:53,704 --> 00:06:57,458 I'm a white co-opter and I love every fucking second of it! 134 00:06:57,542 --> 00:06:58,709 -Yeah! 135 00:06:58,793 --> 00:07:01,295 You're not keeping track of my sit-ups. 136 00:07:01,379 --> 00:07:02,588 Oh, sorry, Caleb. 137 00:07:02,672 --> 00:07:05,341 Was the affinity meeting really that bad? 138 00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:08,428 Yes, it was, and you don't deserve to be treated like that. 139 00:07:08,511 --> 00:07:10,680 You deserve early admission to Wellesley 140 00:07:10,763 --> 00:07:13,349 and a boyfriend with a thick, hard ass. 141 00:07:13,433 --> 00:07:14,809 Ooh! Ah! 142 00:07:14,892 --> 00:07:17,437 From your lips to Idris Elba's thick, hard ass. 143 00:07:18,729 --> 00:07:21,691 You guys, this is really confusing. 144 00:07:21,774 --> 00:07:23,901 I've never been attracted to a girl before. 145 00:07:23,985 --> 00:07:25,736 Is it possible you're a lesbian? 146 00:07:25,820 --> 00:07:27,572 You mean, like my mom? 147 00:07:27,655 --> 00:07:29,699 Nope, you definitely like guys too. 148 00:07:29,782 --> 00:07:31,951 Judd makes your goosh go sploosh. 149 00:07:32,034 --> 00:07:35,246 Hello! Yoo-hoo! Don't talk about me like I'm not here! 150 00:07:35,329 --> 00:07:37,665 -Oh! Hey, there, Jessi's vagina! -Oh, boy. 151 00:07:37,748 --> 00:07:40,710 While it's true Judd's a real me-wetter… 152 00:07:40,793 --> 00:07:44,589 …when you were holding Ali's ankles, I got a full body buzz on, girl! 153 00:07:44,672 --> 00:07:47,341 Jessi, you got a funny snatch. 154 00:07:47,425 --> 00:07:49,427 Oh, my God, thank you! 155 00:07:49,510 --> 00:07:53,931 I am in a sketch group with Jessi's taint, her butt hole, and Kegel-Michael Key. 156 00:07:54,015 --> 00:07:56,851 But honey, getting romantic with your best friend? 157 00:07:56,934 --> 00:07:59,687 That's a lot more complicated than you think. 158 00:07:59,770 --> 00:08:01,355 Uh-uh-uh, I disagree. 159 00:08:01,439 --> 00:08:03,524 To try and fuck your best friend? 160 00:08:03,608 --> 00:08:06,402 Why, it's the most beautiful and natural thing 161 00:08:06,486 --> 00:08:07,695 in the whole wide world. 162 00:08:07,778 --> 00:08:09,447 -Really? -As a matter of fact, 163 00:08:09,530 --> 00:08:12,617 I might have penned a little song about this. 164 00:08:39,602 --> 00:08:40,436 Ew! 165 00:09:43,124 --> 00:09:46,627 -Oh, damn, Connie, that was beautiful! -Thank you! 166 00:09:46,711 --> 00:09:50,214 So, does it make you want to suck face with your best friend? Hmm? 167 00:09:50,298 --> 00:09:52,300 Not gonna lie, it kind of does. 168 00:09:52,383 --> 00:09:56,012 If you play the song backwards, it makes everyone in the room want to eat ass. 169 00:09:56,095 --> 00:09:59,265 Eat the ass and worship Santa. 170 00:09:59,348 --> 00:10:00,391 No way! 171 00:10:00,474 --> 00:10:03,227 -Jesus! This place is creepy. 172 00:10:03,311 --> 00:10:06,188 Well, you'll either come out of this night feeling better, 173 00:10:06,272 --> 00:10:08,524 or you'll be murdered by a drifter. 174 00:10:08,608 --> 00:10:11,777 And I bet Jessi would feel terrible if you died. 175 00:10:11,861 --> 00:10:14,113 Yeah, that'll show her! 176 00:10:14,196 --> 00:10:18,618 Nick! Welcome to a badass night of male debauchery. 177 00:10:18,701 --> 00:10:20,453 -Hey, Nick! -Fuck your feelings. 178 00:10:20,536 --> 00:10:22,288 -We're breakin' shit. -Yeah! 179 00:10:22,371 --> 00:10:23,539 -Ooh, rats! 180 00:10:23,623 --> 00:10:25,583 Hey, well, this place is, uh… 181 00:10:25,666 --> 00:10:28,502 -It's awesome, right? -What's, uh, with the sledgehammer? 182 00:10:28,586 --> 00:10:30,713 We're about to smash shit like men. 183 00:10:30,796 --> 00:10:31,672 I brought knives. 184 00:10:31,756 --> 00:10:36,344 And I came separately from Charles and brought capes and condoms! 185 00:10:36,427 --> 00:10:40,723 Uh, I wheeled over a tub of my mom's signature recipe, Lump soup. 186 00:10:40,806 --> 00:10:44,352 It's two parts nacho cheese and one part Sunny D. 187 00:10:44,435 --> 00:10:47,563 -Ho, ho, ho! Bad boys know how to party. 188 00:10:49,398 --> 00:10:52,860 Whoa! Where'd you get those killer threads, Tender Andy? 189 00:10:52,943 --> 00:10:57,114 My mom got them for a trip to Arizona that she did not take. 190 00:10:57,198 --> 00:10:59,659 -Where'd you get yours? -He got them from me. 191 00:10:59,742 --> 00:11:01,661 -Oh, wow. Hello! -Hi. 192 00:11:01,744 --> 00:11:03,371 Simon Sex, I presume? 193 00:11:03,454 --> 00:11:07,917 Guilty as charged, but the only crime I've committed is being open to love. 194 00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:12,004 We were also convicted for jerking off onto the grass at Wimbledon. 195 00:11:12,088 --> 00:11:14,090 Oh, yes. Forgot that. 196 00:11:14,173 --> 00:11:16,509 Now go, Andrew, show those boys that 197 00:11:16,592 --> 00:11:19,595 even though society doesn't want them to be vulnerable, 198 00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:22,848 tenderness can be very powerful… …and sexy. 199 00:11:22,932 --> 00:11:26,686 Well, if you professional perverts say this is the move, I'm in. 200 00:11:26,769 --> 00:11:27,937 -Hello, boys! 201 00:11:28,020 --> 00:11:31,273 I hope you're ready to uncork… …those hearts of yours, 202 00:11:31,357 --> 00:11:34,193 because I brought a bottle of "Mommy's Little Helper." 203 00:11:34,276 --> 00:11:36,362 -Oh, yeah! -Where did you get wine? 204 00:11:36,445 --> 00:11:39,782 Oh, ho, I have a mustache, Nick. They'll sell me rosé. 205 00:11:39,865 --> 00:11:42,076 Ooh, let's get fucked up! 206 00:11:42,159 --> 00:11:43,077 No, no, no. Hey! 207 00:11:43,160 --> 00:11:47,039 Before you take a sip, you must share one "I feel" statement. 208 00:11:48,207 --> 00:11:50,251 I feel this sucks! 209 00:11:50,334 --> 00:11:52,670 Okay, big tough guys, I'll start. 210 00:11:52,753 --> 00:11:57,174 I feel tremulous because my dear friend Nick, who I love, I love a boy, 211 00:11:57,258 --> 00:12:00,302 is clearly suffering and he won't open his petals. 212 00:12:01,345 --> 00:12:02,430 Nick, your turn. 213 00:12:02,513 --> 00:12:04,265 All right, I feel 214 00:12:04,348 --> 00:12:07,810 like I wanna smash a toilet with Devon's sledgehammer! 215 00:12:09,145 --> 00:12:14,233 Yes! Smashing stuff is so much better than feeling your sad, pathetic feelings. 216 00:12:14,316 --> 00:12:15,609 You're such a little man. 217 00:12:15,693 --> 00:12:17,820 -Fuck yeah! 218 00:12:17,903 --> 00:12:18,988 Rip out a sink! 219 00:12:19,071 --> 00:12:20,197 Fuck up a tub! 220 00:12:20,281 --> 00:12:23,033 Look for the cookies that I hid in the wall! 221 00:12:23,117 --> 00:12:26,662 If anyone is seeking respite from the shackles of masculinity, 222 00:12:26,746 --> 00:12:29,457 the tenderness station is now open. 223 00:12:29,540 --> 00:12:31,751 -Whoa! Not kind! 224 00:12:31,834 --> 00:12:34,336 -Look at all those hearts in the caption. 225 00:12:34,420 --> 00:12:37,757 What kind of twisted shit you think happened between Ali and Jessi in jail? 226 00:12:37,840 --> 00:12:40,134 What exactly are you implying? 227 00:12:40,217 --> 00:12:42,553 I'm just saying, they went to jail together, 228 00:12:42,636 --> 00:12:45,139 and then soon as they got out, Ali broke up with Samira. 229 00:12:45,222 --> 00:12:46,056 You do the math. 230 00:12:46,140 --> 00:12:48,017 Oh, so you think-- 231 00:12:48,100 --> 00:12:50,269 Jessi totally hooked up with Ali in jail. 232 00:12:50,352 --> 00:12:51,187 It's obvious. 233 00:12:51,270 --> 00:12:54,440 Samira and Ali were together for three months. 234 00:12:54,523 --> 00:12:56,984 In middle school time, that's like four months. 235 00:12:57,067 --> 00:12:59,361 Exactly. Jessi's a messy bitch, 236 00:12:59,445 --> 00:13:01,864 a menace to society, and she needs to be stopped. 237 00:13:01,947 --> 00:13:04,241 -So if I told everyone 238 00:13:04,325 --> 00:13:05,618 that she hooked up with Ali, 239 00:13:05,701 --> 00:13:08,120 I'd be doing a service, like a whistleblower! 240 00:13:08,204 --> 00:13:11,207 Yes! The bravest thing you can do is post it online 241 00:13:11,290 --> 00:13:12,500 from an anonymous account. 242 00:13:12,583 --> 00:13:14,710 -Way ahead of you! 243 00:13:14,794 --> 00:13:17,129 "Dr. PlainTalk." Okay! 244 00:13:17,213 --> 00:13:20,466 -Jailbirds? More like lovebirds. -Mm-hmm! 245 00:13:20,549 --> 00:13:25,137 These two criminals had an erotic dalliance in jail. 246 00:13:25,221 --> 00:13:28,516 -Ooh, girl! -What does poor Samira think of all this? 247 00:13:28,599 --> 00:13:32,937 -Preach! 248 00:13:35,231 --> 00:13:37,024 Wow, you're good at this. 249 00:13:37,107 --> 00:13:40,361 Now, press send, and end Jessi's reign of terror. 250 00:13:40,444 --> 00:13:43,656 But we know that this is probably not true, right? 251 00:13:43,739 --> 00:13:45,741 Who cares? She sucks! 252 00:13:45,825 --> 00:13:48,077 She does suck. Eat it, B-word! 253 00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:49,411 Go, bitch. Go! 254 00:13:49,495 --> 00:13:52,998 -Air this bitch out! 255 00:13:53,082 --> 00:13:53,916 Hey, babe? 256 00:13:53,999 --> 00:13:55,960 -What are you thinking right now? -Dude. 257 00:13:56,043 --> 00:13:57,253 We just never talk. 258 00:13:57,336 --> 00:13:58,963 What's your family like? 259 00:13:59,046 --> 00:14:01,507 -Do you feel safe with them? -Safe? 260 00:14:01,590 --> 00:14:05,511 I just thought maybe because we keep stuffing our tongues into each other, 261 00:14:05,594 --> 00:14:09,890 I--I don't know, we might want to try stuffing our feelings into each other? 262 00:14:09,974 --> 00:14:12,268 -That could be hot too, right? -Nah, I'm good. 263 00:14:12,351 --> 00:14:16,146 Okay, uh, yeah, I'm good too. 264 00:14:16,230 --> 00:14:18,399 I'm just gonna hang back here like you like. 265 00:14:18,482 --> 00:14:19,900 I'll see you in 20 minutes. 266 00:14:19,984 --> 00:14:22,236 Fuck my bitch ex-wife. 267 00:14:22,319 --> 00:14:24,989 $14 a month in alimony? 268 00:14:25,072 --> 00:14:29,201 Fuck that guy at Foot Locker who said I have irregular feet! 269 00:14:29,285 --> 00:14:31,036 -Fuck Jessi! 270 00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:35,624 -How dare she reject you over and over! 271 00:14:35,708 --> 00:14:37,209 She's not better than me! 272 00:14:37,293 --> 00:14:39,712 Yes! Keep poking the wall with your-- 273 00:14:39,795 --> 00:14:42,840 with your weird little sword until you believe that. 274 00:14:42,923 --> 00:14:43,757 Oh! 275 00:14:43,841 --> 00:14:46,302 Well, it's official. Put it on the marquee. 276 00:14:46,385 --> 00:14:49,471 None of these boys want to be soothed by my tenderness. 277 00:14:49,555 --> 00:14:52,224 -It's like they refuse to look inward. -Heartbreakingly true. 278 00:14:52,308 --> 00:14:53,934 I like to look inward sometimes. 279 00:14:54,018 --> 00:14:56,979 I hold a mirror up to my butt hole. I can see all the way to my tummy. 280 00:14:57,062 --> 00:14:58,480 -Hold on. What's that? 281 00:14:58,564 --> 00:15:01,400 It's Jay. He's crying like a little bitch. 282 00:15:01,483 --> 00:15:03,110 Maury, the real little bitch 283 00:15:03,193 --> 00:15:07,489 is the boy who doesn't offer comfort to him in his time of need. 284 00:15:07,573 --> 00:15:09,700 Should I try a little tenderness? 285 00:15:09,783 --> 00:15:11,660 Or a little mushrooms, that's what we did. 286 00:15:11,744 --> 00:15:13,412 Uh, I think I'll do the tenderness. 287 00:15:13,495 --> 00:15:16,081 Hey, if you don't want to eat powerful hallucinogens 288 00:15:16,165 --> 00:15:18,751 with a couple of hormone monsters, that's cool. 289 00:15:18,834 --> 00:15:21,003 Plus, we ate 'em all, so… 290 00:15:26,133 --> 00:15:28,260 Jeez, I can't get that song out of my head. 291 00:15:28,344 --> 00:15:30,262 You can't get Ali out of your head. 292 00:15:30,346 --> 00:15:32,139 I can't get her out of my head either! 293 00:15:32,222 --> 00:15:34,391 I'm sorry, but do vaginas even have heads? 294 00:15:34,475 --> 00:15:36,727 Of course! I have my own little vagina too. 295 00:15:36,810 --> 00:15:38,771 And I have an even littler vagina. 296 00:15:38,854 --> 00:15:41,357 -This could go on forever! 297 00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:43,567 You know what else could go on forever? 298 00:15:43,651 --> 00:15:45,736 Your love for Ali! 299 00:15:45,819 --> 00:15:47,947 -What the hell is that? -It's a love scope. 300 00:15:48,030 --> 00:15:53,243 You look into it and see what your love life could be like in the future! 301 00:15:53,327 --> 00:15:55,496 Hey, hon. I got us both suits and sneakers 302 00:15:55,579 --> 00:15:57,915 for that radical social justice event tomorrow. 303 00:15:57,998 --> 00:16:01,210 Ooh! From President Megan Rapinoe's new streetwear brand? 304 00:16:01,293 --> 00:16:02,544 You Rapin-know it, babe. 305 00:16:02,628 --> 00:16:03,671 God, I love you. 306 00:16:03,754 --> 00:16:06,840 I'm gonna eat you out so attentively tonight. 307 00:16:06,924 --> 00:16:08,509 Not if I eat you out first. 308 00:16:08,592 --> 00:16:12,012 Wait a minute, what if we eat each other out at the same time? 309 00:16:12,096 --> 00:16:15,349 Okay, you're a vagenius. 310 00:16:16,976 --> 00:16:20,437 -Wow! The future looks amazing. 311 00:16:20,521 --> 00:16:22,731 Hey, you in there? It's Ali! 312 00:16:22,815 --> 00:16:25,025 Holy shit. It's her! Now you can tell her you like her. 313 00:16:25,109 --> 00:16:27,319 Hi! I was just thinking about you. 314 00:16:27,403 --> 00:16:29,405 -Have you seen this shit? -What? 315 00:16:29,488 --> 00:16:31,490 We had "an erotic dalliance"? 316 00:16:31,573 --> 00:16:32,992 "Sluts of Instagram"? 317 00:16:33,075 --> 00:16:34,368 What the fuck? 318 00:16:34,451 --> 00:16:37,079 -Oh, shit. Guys, check this out! 319 00:16:37,162 --> 00:16:39,039 Ali and Jessi hooked up in jail! 320 00:16:39,123 --> 00:16:43,168 Oh, yeah, it's so hot when girls do gay. 321 00:16:43,252 --> 00:16:44,211 What the fuck? 322 00:16:44,294 --> 00:16:46,046 -Jessi likes Ali? 323 00:16:46,130 --> 00:16:47,965 -Damn. Sorry, dude. 324 00:16:48,048 --> 00:16:53,470 That sucks… that you're so fucking ugly you made Jessi gay! JK! JK, bro, JK! 325 00:16:53,554 --> 00:16:56,765 -That is not fucking funny! -Uh, it's funny. 326 00:16:56,849 --> 00:16:58,225 Hey! You're an old man, 327 00:16:58,308 --> 00:17:00,144 -and nobody talks about it. 328 00:17:00,227 --> 00:17:03,063 Old man's about to whup your ass, young blood! 329 00:17:03,147 --> 00:17:06,525 -I'm gonna fucking kill you! 330 00:17:07,901 --> 00:17:09,528 Jay, you're weeping. 331 00:17:09,611 --> 00:17:11,030 Oh, hey, Andrew. 332 00:17:11,113 --> 00:17:14,742 Don't mind me, I just want to throw myself into a meat grinder 333 00:17:14,825 --> 00:17:16,285 and get turned into a nugget. 334 00:17:16,368 --> 00:17:19,288 Oh, it seems to me like you need a soul cleansing. 335 00:17:19,371 --> 00:17:21,206 How about a nice sound bath? 336 00:17:21,290 --> 00:17:22,583 Nong… 337 00:17:22,666 --> 00:17:26,211 -Jay, gong sound, gong… -No! Wait! What? No! Stop it! 338 00:17:26,295 --> 00:17:27,504 I hate baths! 339 00:17:27,588 --> 00:17:30,090 Hey, Andrew, I think this jacked little walnut 340 00:17:30,174 --> 00:17:32,551 might just want somebody to listen to him. 341 00:17:32,634 --> 00:17:36,472 Oh, yeah. Right. Okay. Sorry, Jay. What's making you weep? 342 00:17:36,555 --> 00:17:41,018 Okay, well, um, I've been secretly sucking face with Charles Lu. 343 00:17:41,101 --> 00:17:43,562 Whoa! Charles is gay? And what about Gina? 344 00:17:43,645 --> 00:17:45,647 -Isn't Charles way out of your league? -What? 345 00:17:45,731 --> 00:17:48,817 Hey, Andy. Shh. Try listening without judgment. 346 00:17:48,901 --> 00:17:52,279 Remember, you're the dude who pulled Lars out of a wheelchair. 347 00:17:52,362 --> 00:17:53,989 How do you know that, Simon Sex? 348 00:17:54,073 --> 00:17:56,992 Oh, Maury tells me everything, and I listen. 349 00:17:57,076 --> 00:17:59,161 Because you're a good friend with great hair. 350 00:17:59,244 --> 00:18:01,330 You look like a groovy panther. 351 00:18:01,413 --> 00:18:05,042 Yeah! And you look like a bunch of penises. 352 00:18:05,125 --> 00:18:08,128 Yeah, I think the mushrooms are starting to kick in. 353 00:18:08,212 --> 00:18:09,588 And they're gone. 354 00:18:09,671 --> 00:18:12,758 Jay, I'm ready to listen. Tell me more about Charles Lu. 355 00:18:12,841 --> 00:18:16,470 Well, it's super hot when he uses his tongue to fuck my mouth, 356 00:18:16,553 --> 00:18:19,306 but he won't use it to fuck my mind. 357 00:18:19,389 --> 00:18:21,225 Okay, so what I'm hearing is 358 00:18:21,308 --> 00:18:24,728 you want someone you can talk to and who cares about you? 359 00:18:24,812 --> 00:18:28,857 Aw! When you put it that way, I sound fucking lame! 360 00:18:28,941 --> 00:18:30,192 Please don't tell anyone! 361 00:18:30,275 --> 00:18:34,488 No, no, no. Boys need connection too. That's what I've been saying all night. 362 00:18:34,571 --> 00:18:37,574 Yeah, I know. You've been really annoying. 363 00:18:38,700 --> 00:18:39,910 I miss Lola. 364 00:18:39,993 --> 00:18:42,955 She's such a special person. Please agree. 365 00:18:43,038 --> 00:18:43,872 No, I can't. 366 00:18:43,956 --> 00:18:47,918 The point is, it's okay if you want more than what you're getting from Charles. 367 00:18:48,001 --> 00:18:49,878 -It is? -Of course. 368 00:18:49,962 --> 00:18:52,631 Wow, you're a really good listener, Andrew. 369 00:18:52,714 --> 00:18:55,217 -I don't even wanna strangle you anymore. 370 00:18:55,300 --> 00:18:58,512 Dude, I said, "JK." Why are you freaking out? 371 00:18:58,595 --> 00:19:00,264 'Cause you're a fucking asshole! 372 00:19:00,347 --> 00:19:01,932 Finish him! 373 00:19:02,015 --> 00:19:03,016 Ow! 374 00:19:03,100 --> 00:19:04,810 My irregular foot! 375 00:19:04,893 --> 00:19:09,898 -Oh, my God, Lump, are you okay? -I-I-I'm fine. For men, pain is knowledge. 376 00:19:09,982 --> 00:19:13,610 Oh, my nose won't stop bleeding. I--I think you broke it! 377 00:19:13,694 --> 00:19:15,779 Oh, buddy. I'm here for you. 378 00:19:15,863 --> 00:19:17,698 What, to fucking cum with me? 379 00:19:17,781 --> 00:19:21,410 I don't want to have a "group drain" with you, or any of you assholes. 380 00:19:21,493 --> 00:19:22,327 I'm out of here. 381 00:19:22,411 --> 00:19:24,746 He doesn't want to talk about his feelings! 382 00:19:24,830 --> 00:19:27,749 -Because from now on, he only has one: 383 00:19:27,833 --> 00:19:31,795 white-hot, tiny-fisted fury! 384 00:19:31,879 --> 00:19:34,381 Ooh! My thingy fell off. 385 00:19:34,464 --> 00:19:36,258 Fuck you, thingy. 386 00:19:36,341 --> 00:19:38,886 People online are going crazy over your rumor. 387 00:19:38,969 --> 00:19:41,847 Wow, Jessi equals other woman. 388 00:19:41,930 --> 00:19:45,309 So sad to see that I am the only true feminist at school. 389 00:19:45,392 --> 00:19:47,811 Please show pictures of jail gay. 390 00:19:47,895 --> 00:19:49,813 Fire emoji, fire emoji, fire emoji. 391 00:19:49,897 --> 00:19:52,399 Oh, my God! 392 00:19:52,482 --> 00:19:55,527 Okay, these comments are giving me life. 393 00:19:55,611 --> 00:19:57,070 Sorry I'm late, darling. 394 00:19:57,154 --> 00:19:59,031 There was a sale at Victoria's Secret. 395 00:19:59,114 --> 00:20:02,284 I was running low on thongs that disintegrate the moment I get my period. 396 00:20:02,367 --> 00:20:03,785 That place is trash. 397 00:20:03,869 --> 00:20:05,162 Angels wearing underwear? 398 00:20:05,245 --> 00:20:07,331 I'm not wearing a fucking bra in the afterlife. 399 00:20:07,414 --> 00:20:10,167 -Oh! Cute hate worm. -Aw, thank you! 400 00:20:10,250 --> 00:20:11,960 Wait, wait, wait. What kind of worm? 401 00:20:12,044 --> 00:20:13,670 A hate worm. You knew that. 402 00:20:13,754 --> 00:20:15,214 No, I did not! 403 00:20:15,297 --> 00:20:18,217 I'm not the kind of person who hates people! 404 00:20:18,300 --> 00:20:20,219 Well, not people. Jessi. 405 00:20:20,302 --> 00:20:21,511 But hate is so ugly! 406 00:20:21,595 --> 00:20:22,429 No, it's not! 407 00:20:22,512 --> 00:20:26,725 Martin Luther King hated discrimination, and he changed the fabric of our country. 408 00:20:26,808 --> 00:20:28,936 Do you think Martin Luther King was stupid? 409 00:20:29,019 --> 00:20:30,103 Obviously not! 410 00:20:30,187 --> 00:20:31,438 He was a doctor! 411 00:20:31,521 --> 00:20:35,067 Hate could be good. It protects you from bad things and people that hurt you. 412 00:20:35,150 --> 00:20:37,486 Well, Jessi did hurt me. 413 00:20:37,569 --> 00:20:40,739 And you want to hurt her too, right? I mean, that's why we made up the rumor. 414 00:20:40,822 --> 00:20:43,450 Wow. I guess I do hate Jessi. 415 00:20:43,533 --> 00:20:45,369 Come on. Say it like you mean it. 416 00:20:45,452 --> 00:20:47,454 You know she deserves your hate. 417 00:20:47,537 --> 00:20:49,790 Hey, hey! You're nothing! 418 00:20:49,873 --> 00:20:52,042 I hate you, Jessi Glazer! 419 00:20:52,125 --> 00:20:56,797 I hate your face and your fucking attitude and your awful last name. 420 00:20:56,880 --> 00:20:59,466 I wish ill upon you! 421 00:20:59,549 --> 00:21:01,677 That's right! Now, finish her! 422 00:21:02,844 --> 00:21:05,847 Oh, my God! I didn't think that that was gonna happen. 423 00:21:05,931 --> 00:21:07,975 -Ugh! 424 00:21:08,058 --> 00:21:09,559 I can't believe this. 425 00:21:09,643 --> 00:21:11,728 I know! It's fucked! 426 00:21:11,812 --> 00:21:13,939 People are gonna think I cheated on Samira. 427 00:21:14,022 --> 00:21:16,358 Samira's gonna think I cheated on Samira. 428 00:21:16,441 --> 00:21:18,735 Oh, God, I didn't think about that. 429 00:21:18,819 --> 00:21:20,445 That's 'cause you're busy thinking about 430 00:21:20,529 --> 00:21:23,115 mashing your boobies up against her boobies 431 00:21:23,198 --> 00:21:25,784 until all four become one big tit. 432 00:21:25,867 --> 00:21:28,620 I don't think she wants to form a super-tit right now. 433 00:21:28,704 --> 00:21:30,163 She seems legit upset. 434 00:21:30,247 --> 00:21:32,249 But you're still gonna tell her you like her, right? 435 00:21:32,332 --> 00:21:34,835 What about all that good shit we saw on the Love Scope? 436 00:21:34,918 --> 00:21:38,005 Well, should we take another look to see what else can happen? 437 00:21:40,090 --> 00:21:41,425 Hey, I'm in love with you. 438 00:21:41,508 --> 00:21:42,843 Oh, what the fuck? 439 00:21:42,926 --> 00:21:45,012 I know! It surprised me too. 440 00:21:45,095 --> 00:21:47,556 Dude! Are you seriously trying to get with me right now? 441 00:21:47,639 --> 00:21:49,308 But we're so good together. 442 00:21:49,391 --> 00:21:52,728 Best friends make the best lovers. Here, let me sing you a song. 443 00:21:52,811 --> 00:21:55,022 Oh, my God! You sound just like Nick! 444 00:21:55,105 --> 00:21:55,939 Don't say that! 445 00:21:56,023 --> 00:21:58,317 I definitely don't want to be your lover, Jessi. 446 00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:00,610 And now, I don't even want to be your friend. 447 00:22:00,694 --> 00:22:02,654 -Shit, that's terrible. 448 00:22:02,738 --> 00:22:06,491 Yeah, but it's what could happen, right? No one says it's definitely gonna happen. 449 00:22:06,575 --> 00:22:10,662 I mean, remember President Rapinoe and the attentive cunnilingus? Huh? 450 00:22:10,746 --> 00:22:12,414 It's not worth risking it. 451 00:22:12,497 --> 00:22:14,249 I love her too much as a friend. 452 00:22:14,333 --> 00:22:16,793 Oh, well, fuck you. That's beautiful. 453 00:22:16,877 --> 00:22:19,963 Hey, I'm so sorry about that rumor. 454 00:22:20,047 --> 00:22:22,215 Do you want me to tell Samira it's not true? 455 00:22:22,299 --> 00:22:25,969 Well, Samira said she'd rather get a yeast infection in her armpit 456 00:22:26,053 --> 00:22:27,971 than ever talk to you again, so… 457 00:22:28,055 --> 00:22:29,806 -Oh. -But I appreciate the offer. 458 00:22:29,890 --> 00:22:31,767 You're a really good friend. I love you. 459 00:22:31,850 --> 00:22:32,976 I love you too. 460 00:22:33,060 --> 00:22:35,270 I'm really glad I don't have to go through this alone. 461 00:22:35,354 --> 00:22:37,230 So I guess that's that, huh? 462 00:22:37,314 --> 00:22:40,442 At least for now. I mean, being a couple could have been amazing, 463 00:22:40,525 --> 00:22:42,361 but this is pretty great too, right? 464 00:22:42,444 --> 00:22:44,154 She's a good friend. 465 00:22:44,237 --> 00:22:47,199 Good friend with a hot little body and nice lips, 466 00:22:47,282 --> 00:22:48,950 but I won't bring that up ever again. 467 00:22:49,034 --> 00:22:51,995 Except to say let's kiss her on the mouth. I'm sorry! That's it. 468 00:22:52,079 --> 00:22:53,080 She's got a good butt. 469 00:22:53,663 --> 00:22:55,749 -Uh, hey, guys, check it out. 470 00:22:55,832 --> 00:22:57,584 Now, I'm Limp Himpman. 471 00:22:57,667 --> 00:23:00,754 -Limp, please go to the hospital. -I won't. 472 00:23:03,090 --> 00:23:04,466 Hey, you've got this. 473 00:23:04,549 --> 00:23:05,884 Hey, Charles, can we talk? 474 00:23:05,967 --> 00:23:07,844 I guess, make it quick. 475 00:23:07,928 --> 00:23:10,138 It's about us. It's kind of important. 476 00:23:11,056 --> 00:23:12,432 Okay, uh… 477 00:23:12,516 --> 00:23:14,184 Let me just start by saying 478 00:23:14,267 --> 00:23:18,105 I have zero moral problems with you cheating on Gina with me. 479 00:23:18,188 --> 00:23:19,523 I love cheating. 480 00:23:19,606 --> 00:23:20,899 It's in my blood. 481 00:23:20,982 --> 00:23:23,902 -Along with quite a lot of lead. -What? 482 00:23:23,985 --> 00:23:27,239 I guess what I'm trying to say is, I like hooking up, 483 00:23:27,322 --> 00:23:31,952 but I also need a massive emotional investment from you. 484 00:23:32,035 --> 00:23:33,078 Uh, no? 485 00:23:33,161 --> 00:23:34,955 Sure. Okay. 486 00:23:35,038 --> 00:23:41,294 Well, then I don't think I can be your sidepiece anymore. 487 00:23:41,378 --> 00:23:43,004 -Okay. -Uh, cool, man! 488 00:23:43,088 --> 00:23:45,382 Uh, see you in social studies. 489 00:23:45,465 --> 00:23:47,342 Oh, I'm sorry, Jay. 490 00:23:47,426 --> 00:23:50,554 That did not work out at all, but you know what? 491 00:23:50,637 --> 00:23:52,264 -I'm proud of you. 492 00:23:52,347 --> 00:23:54,182 Thanks, Andrew. Let's go home. 493 00:23:54,266 --> 00:23:55,767 -Look at that. -Wow. 494 00:23:55,851 --> 00:23:57,686 Those boys are really connecting. 495 00:23:57,769 --> 00:24:00,564 I don't remember Andrew being so blue. 496 00:24:00,647 --> 00:24:03,358 Hey, Jay, when you get home, you gonna Smurf off? 497 00:24:03,442 --> 00:24:04,276 Oh, yeah! 498 00:24:04,359 --> 00:24:06,194 I'm gonna Smurf into my little white hat 499 00:24:06,278 --> 00:24:08,155 then huck it out the window of my mushroom house. 500 00:24:08,238 --> 00:24:10,282 -That is so sweet. -So beautiful. 501 00:24:10,365 --> 00:24:12,576 -I love mushrooms. -Yeah, baby. 502 00:24:14,244 --> 00:24:17,080 Why didn't Jessi just tell me that she liked Ali? 503 00:24:17,164 --> 00:24:19,458 Because she's a heartless wench 504 00:24:19,541 --> 00:24:20,834 and she gets off 505 00:24:20,917 --> 00:24:23,336 -on publicly humiliating you. 506 00:24:23,420 --> 00:24:25,297 I can't believe I ever loved her. 507 00:24:25,380 --> 00:24:29,843 Well, you certainly don't love her anymore. 508 00:24:31,470 --> 00:24:32,596 Walter, are you okay? 509 00:24:32,679 --> 00:24:34,431 I think he's dead, man! 510 00:24:34,514 --> 00:24:36,349 And his nipples are hard. 511 00:24:36,433 --> 00:24:37,684 That's interesting. 512 00:24:37,767 --> 00:24:38,810 Oh, God! 513 00:24:38,894 --> 00:24:42,355 Wow. How selfish of Jessi and Ali. 514 00:24:42,439 --> 00:24:45,317 -I hope Samira's doing okay. 515 00:24:45,400 --> 00:24:47,611 Feigned sympathy for the ex-girlfriend. 516 00:24:47,694 --> 00:24:49,738 Diabolical, baby. 517 00:24:49,821 --> 00:24:51,615 Haters gonna hate. 518 00:24:51,698 --> 00:24:54,576 You know what might be fun? Reply from Dr. PlainTalk. 519 00:24:54,659 --> 00:24:56,578 Love that! 520 00:24:56,661 --> 00:24:59,372 You'd think after having her home wrecked, 521 00:24:59,456 --> 00:25:01,917 -Jessi wouldn't be a home-wrecker. -Mm-hmm! 522 00:25:06,755 --> 00:25:09,925 Missy, we are gonna have so much fun together! 523 00:25:10,008 --> 00:25:13,803 Ooh-hoo! Jouhari! That feels weird! 524 00:25:13,887 --> 00:25:15,222 But I like it. 525 00:25:15,305 --> 00:25:16,389 Yeah, you do! 526 00:25:16,473 --> 00:25:18,391 -How you doin', Connie? 527 00:25:18,475 --> 00:25:19,518 I'll be okay. 528 00:25:19,601 --> 00:25:22,354 I just thought we'd be knuckle-deep into Ali by now. 529 00:25:22,437 --> 00:25:25,315 I gotta learn not to count my pussies before they snatch. 530 00:25:25,398 --> 00:25:28,151 I never thought I'd be trying to snatch pussies. 531 00:25:28,235 --> 00:25:30,320 I always thought I was more of a dick farmer. 532 00:25:30,403 --> 00:25:33,073 You don't have to figure it all out right now. 533 00:25:33,156 --> 00:25:34,157 You're still young. 534 00:25:34,241 --> 00:25:37,369 And that's the beauty of modern agriculture. 535 00:25:37,452 --> 00:25:39,746 You can cultivate pussies and dicks. 536 00:25:39,829 --> 00:25:41,790 That's right, honey. Let's take a look. 537 00:25:44,251 --> 00:25:47,337 The dicks sure are coming in real nice this year. 538 00:25:47,420 --> 00:25:48,505 Very veiny! 539 00:25:48,588 --> 00:25:51,383 Yeah! And the pussies are looking plump too! 540 00:25:51,466 --> 00:25:53,134 Ooh, yeah, love that color. 541 00:25:53,218 --> 00:25:55,804 -Mm, I bet they're sweet as sugar. 542 00:25:55,887 --> 00:25:59,641 Come on in, guys! We're servin' asshole for dinner! 543 00:25:59,724 --> 00:26:01,935 Ooh! It's sloppy asshole night. 544 00:26:02,018 --> 00:26:03,061 Race you there!