Oh, my God, Sonya, did I tell you what Blake did for Gwen this weekend?
Let me guess, another loving gesture?
He made her breakfast in bed!
It was B-A-N-A-N-A-S.
That's from one of her songs, and he made her banana pancakes too!
Hey, have they ever fucked on those spinning chairs?
Sonya!
Of course.
-God, I love being a lovebug! -Yeah, it's a living.
Walter, this one's for you.
Thanks, Emmy.
Ooh! You look chipper this morning.
I met a gremlin on the train, and we're getting Negronis later!
-I can't. She was 45 minutes late today. -Ooh, a new assignment!
"Love is in the Air, Bridgeton Middle."
Oh, young love, it is so pure. It's so passionate, so--
So detached.
-Kids these days, always on their phones. -Hmm.
They'd rather tweet at their senators than actually talk to each other.
Oh, wait, you've got one too.
"Nick Birch."
And I have "Jessi Glazer."
-Jew! -Ooh, you love those!
Hi, guys, look who's here to sell Penis Scout cookies!
So cute!
Don't feel obligated to buy any.
That being said, the Thin Dicks are pretty good.
Especially if you put them in the freezer!
Aww, come on, right? I pocket all the money.
Okay, Jay and Charles, it's your turn to hug each other on the floor.
Heads up, sometimes when I wrestle, I black out
because my brothers tea-bagged me my senior year of Kindergarten.
Okay, I'm feeling very self-conscious in this tight, little singlet, Maury.
I mean, my messed up dingle hasn't even healed yet!
Yeah, but that ass!
What? You talkin' about this ass?
Take that little blimp on a trip around the world for everybody!
-Oh, like this? -Yeah!
Put on a show, baby!
I could do this all day.
Me too. I just have a haircut at30 that I can't miss.
Wow, Maury, you are right.
This singlet really shapes my bulbous ass.
Whoa-ho-ho!
Well, that's new.
-Now you see me,
-now you don't!
-That's the end.
Hey, what was that move?
You mean my full-body sleight of hand?
Fucking magic, obviously.
-"Magic"? Tight. -Are you making fun of me?
Because I will have a tea-bagging flashback
right here, right now!
I'm not playing. Magic's cool.
"Cool"? Really--
Wow, you really prepared.
Well, it is the first meeting of my affinity group…
I mean, everyone's affinity group that I organized and I am the head of.
Hey, Nick. What are you doing here?
Where are the allies supposed to go?
You are so smooth, man.
You are like a dolphin that works at the lotion factory.
Oh, dear Lord, he's with Rick?
I thought Rick retired.
I thought Rick died.
Okay, welcome, everybody.
I would like us to think of this meeting as a serious partay,
but instead of cheese doodles,
it's issues… …we'll be munching on.
You can't eat issues!
As our first project,
I'd like to propose we do something about Bridgeton's highly problematic mascot,
the Scheming Gypsy.
There's a statue of the Scheming Gypsy on the south lawn.
-A hawk lives in her bosom. -Holy shit! That's what the mascot is?
I thought it was Steven Van Zandt from the E Street Band.
I know! Can you believe that shit?
If you believe it, I do, because I believe women.
-Okay. You're cute for trying.
Cute? I don't know if I'd use that word, but you already did, so…
Sonya, I think Nick might be goo-goo gaga for Jessi!
You never know until you glow!
This mascot is fucked. How do we get rid of it?
Uh, if you refer to your handout, I actually have a 20-point plan.
Guys, there's a wrestling meet tomorrow.
We should do a protest there.
-I think Jessi's super right. -Yeah!
We need to surprise attack those fuckers!
Guys, a surprise attack was not part of my plan,
and again, I direct you to the handout.
Then let's revise the plan!
It's hard to revise the plan when you haven't even heard the plan, Ali!
Missy, do you want change or not?
It's30 p.m. Maury is getting his haircut.
-Of course I want change, but I just-- -All right, let's take a vote.
-Who wants to protest tomorrow? -Yes!
I protest this abandonment of procedure!
Great, it's settled. Let's fuck shit up!
Yeah, let's get balls deep, Glazer!
-So deep! -Yes, please!
-Does no one want to hear my plan?
You are crestfallen, please confirm.
Confirmed.
Hey, that was awesome. What do we do next?
Well, I'm going over to Ali's tonight to make posters.
-You should come. -Really?
-Yeah. -Yeah, great.
I have this insane collection of markers
because I once told my grandma that I like to draw,
and now she sends me a pack every few months because she has dementia.
Ok-- okay.
I-- I don't know why I feel comfortable sharing this with you.
Anyway, one thing, Jessi, you should know about me is that I have a lot of markers.
Oh, here we glow.
It's pulsating through my butt hole and tingling up my spine.
I know what it feels like, Walter!
But the audience doesn't.
-I'm trying to paint a picture here. -Okay, sorry.
All right, Nick, I'll see you and your many, many markers tonight.
Okay. I already know I'm gonna forget the markers.
Isn't she remarkable?
Oh, hi. Uh, who are you?
I'm Walter, your lovebug,
and I'm here because you are in love with Jessi.
What? No, I'm not.
I just like her more than anyone
I've ever liked before ever. Shut up!
Ooh, baby boy, if you didn't love her, I wouldn't be here.
What do you mean?
-I--I think so?
-There is!
-Yeah!
-Well, of course.
Wait, what?
Holy shit. I'm in love with Jessi.
Shut up!
So I said, "Father Joseph, I get that you're married to God,
but a good husband would never let his partner wear that outfit."
That's hilarious.
Hey, Matt. Remember when Jay consensually showed us his rock-hard dick?
Yes, I remember.
-I found that very moving. -Will you shut up?
So, I know we said no gifts for our nine-month anniversary,
but we both love stuff, so I got you a thing.
Oh, my God! A digital picture frame!
It's stupid, but it cost a lot of money, so that's cool.
You know what's stupid but costs no money?
Jay's dick. So that's cool.
I actually got you something too.
-It's a vest?
Yeah, he wants you to look like Jay.
First, it's the vest, then a reverse circumcision.
-We take a piece of skin-- -Not what's happening here!
I just thought you'd look cute in it. Put it on!
Okay. Wow, you were right, I actually do look pretty good in this.
Yeah, pretty good.
Aiden reminds me of Snoopy when he put sunglasses on.
Yeah, he looks cool, but that doesn't mean you want to suck his D.
Okay, mine's gonna say,
-Ooh!
She's funny. You didn't tell me how funny she was, Nick.
-I didn't? -No, you did not!
Oh, no, she's funny.
She's just naturally funny, while still being her dazzling self.
Ooh, and herself, well, it's as charming as a pig with shoes on.
I don't-- I don't know what that is.
-Never seen a pig with shoes on? -No.
-It's cute. -It's charming.
Ooh, whee!
Jessi, did you know Ali's got one of those modern toilets?
It's a true pleasure to shit in her house.
Connie? Man, it's so good to see you.
-Sonya! -What have you been up to?
Oh, you know, this and that,
-fucking your mom.
-I wouldn't be surprised. -Hold up, you here for Jessi?
You bet your clean ass I am.
Hot ham in a pair of wedges!
Jessi's gonna be in love? Who is it?
Don't tell me. Oh! Is it Judd?
Oh, I don't know. I haven't met Judd yet.
Oh, well, you gotta meet Judd, and you got to use Ali's bathroom.
I took a nice, hot shit up in it.
Okay, I think I'm gonna write, "Not my mascot."
Okay, I love that. You have surprisingly good handwriting for a boy.
And if you ever let your bangs grow out, I'll kill myself.
Then, I guess I'll keep trimming my bangs.
I guess then I won't throw myself off a building.
-Well, I guess not. -Oh, my God, you two, get a room.
-What? Stop it! -Oh, my God, please!
What room? What room would we even get?
Their attraction to each other's being called out by a peer!
Please don't get too excited, Walter.
You can't get too excited when it comes to Jessi Glazer.
She's as cute as a squirrel in an acorn hat.
Zip, zap, that ain't no rat. That's a little squirrel in an acorn hat!
Ah!
She's cast a spell over us.
I love my job.
If you're just joining us, welcome to wrestling,
the gayest sport on the planet.
Sports cannot be gay or straight.
Hilarious.
And false.
First matchup, we have Andrew Glouberman, who…
Oh! Ow.
Yep, got pinned immediately, perfectly fulfilling all expectations.
Hey, Andrew! I came to watch!
You're such a loser!
Yeah, but you know who wins? The crowd.
That singlet is tight and just right, baby.
-Here comes our beloved mascot,
-the Scheming Gypsy!
Uh-oh, I'm looking into my crystal ball to, like, see the future!
Holy fucking shit, this is wildly offensive.
Gypsy! Gypsy! What do you see?
-I see Charles Lu with a victory! -Victory!
And I see Jay dying alone from choking on his brothers' gonads!
-Gonads!
People don't know we're protesting.
They think we're watching the wrestling match!
Okay, guys, we have to do something.
Oh, shit!
Check it out, Matthew, my nuts are all grubbled up on top of my shaft.
-Uh… Oh. Um…
Zip, zap, grubbled up sack! You want to take Jay from the back.
From the back, to the sack. Jack his stack, eat his cum for a snack.
Navarro!
I don't like this mat!
I don't like the mat.
-You used my move!
-That was amazing. -You know any more wrestling magic?
Fuck yeah, I know more wrestling magic.
Okay, Charles Lu, feel free to join me at Panera after the meet
and bring your sense of fucking wonderment.
Sick. I love bread.
Pop it, lock it, pick that pocket.
Okay, that is enough. We are going down there.
No! This is supposed to be a peaceful protest!
-Fuck peaceful! -Those two words don't go together.
Hey, hey! Ho, ho!
-This racist mascot's got to go!
Yes! Look around! Everyone is so annoyed and confused. It's working!
Oh, my God, Nick, we're being the change we want to see in the gym.
Sweet mercy, she's touching your arm.
Isn't it exhilarating?
Yeah, I can barely breathe.
Hey, hey! Ho, ho! Fuck all you guys!
Wow, look at you, all fired up.
I like this side of you, Nicholas Birch.
Yeah, "Nicholas." Like a fucking man, not a kid.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! We're not getting rid of our mascot.
I feel represented by the Gypsy!
What? You're not even Romani!
But I'm a schemer!
I come from a long line of schemers!
We scheme and scheme until we can't schemes no more!
-I'm with the feral boy!
Some things are wrong.
But if they're wrong for long enough, they become tradition!
But it's a bad tradition that needs to be changed.
What's next? You're gonna change the Braves or the Chiefs,
or my mom wiping me?
Yeah. All those things.
-But we're on a winning streak. -Yeah! Can it wait till after the season?
That's what I've been saying, DeVon! This is a lengthy process!
Missy! Whose side are you on?
Jessi, we tried it your way and it failed.
It didn't fail. This is how it starts!
Ladies, ladies, there's no need to fight.
The solution you seek is these tasty cheeks.
-Those cheeks! -That ass!
Hormone monsters! We got sass!
Turn off the camera.
-That was fuckin' wild! -Oh, yeah. Right?
Uh-oh. Caught in the act! Dehydrating pineapple.
-Ugh. So sorry, let's go to my room. -Wait, hold on.
-I would like to meet her. -Oh, my God.
-Hey, Mr. Glazer. I'm Ali. -We're just passing through.
We're trying to do big things, like overturn a mascot!
Well, if you need some sustenance,
here's a bag of Daddy Greg's pineapple chews.
Ew, they look like dried-up little butt holes.
I wish my butt tasted this sweet!
Dad! Oh, he's so embarrassing.
My dad's embarrassing, too.
He wears True Religion jeans.
He sounds cool.
-Is he looking for male friends? -Bye, Dad!
Hey, Jessi! You have my info, right? To pass along to Ali's dad?
Hey, guys, I need to make weight for wrestling,
and I have a nine-pound parasite living in my guts.
But here's the thing!
We've become very dear friends,
so I want him out of my body but not out of my life.
Any suggestions?
What in sweet fucking Joseph is wrong with him?
Nothing! He just doesn't want to lose a friend.
Jay is, to me, a very special person.
Why do you like him so much?
Because! He's uninhibited, unwashed, uncut,
and he's got that funk to make your junk spunk.
But Aiden… He's smart, he's kind, he likes me.
Well, of recent, Aiden gives you mushy pee-pee.
You need to ditch him.
Oh, stop it. I'm not breaking up with Aiden.
You never take any of my advice, and I have good ideas. I'm not dumb.
-Oh, Maury-- -No! I don't want to talk right now.
I'm going for a run.
Charles Lu, prepare to have your dick blown off your body
by the Sorcerers of the Square Table.
Smoke bomb!
Hm-hmm!
And gone!
Ta-da!
Whoa.
Fire.
Your friend is so cool, Jay.
Yeah, no shit, Todd!
He's only the number-one kid in our grade, and he's hanging out with me!
Listen, sweetie, I am carbo-loading this juicy, wide roundy.
So why don't you get me one of everything on the menu?
That's right, Andy, feed your curves that they may expand.
Sir, I'm not sure that fat ass can get any fatter,
but I'm willing to go on the journey with you.
-Well, then, away we go!
So, you and Samira. Didn't see that coming.
I know. I know. I'm loud, she's super quiet,
but Samira's actually really deep.
-Really? -And she looks like an old colonial ghost.
-And that makes me horny. -I get that. I see that.
-What about you? Who do you like? -Oh, God, no, I can't.
-I shared, you share! -Ugh!
Let's tell her about Judd, how you stole his shirt
and how you floss your vagine-gine with it every night.
-No, thank you! -Come on!
We're all girlfriends here, right?
We like to pinch each other's nipples. Come on, tell her!
Okay. You know Nick's brother, Judd? Well, I'm kind of into him…
-I know!
-He is so hot! -Right?
Well, in a weird, serial-killer kinda way.
Okay, so the other day, I stole this from his house.
-You're a little psycho, Jessi! -Am I?
I bet you floss your snatch with it every night.
She knows!
Okay, I only did it once!
I mean, God, to be honest, I actually thought you liked Nick.
-Really? -You guys have, like, chemistry.
-We do? -Química, as they say in español.
I mean, we've always just been friends.
In a couple years, Nick might look just like Judd.
What's that now?
Wow, I never even thought about that point of view.
Buy short, sell tall.
Sonya, is that why you're here?
Jessi and Nick? Are they Ross and Rachel?
You know, I didn't watch Friends.
I guess I was too busy
fucking your mom.
Okay, you know what? My mom has passed. So why don't you shut the fuck up?
-Hey, Missy just texted us.
"Good news. I got us a meeting with the school board in six months"?
Fuck that shit! We have to do something right now!
-Let's go knock down that racist statue! -Yes!
I'm all hopped up on your dad's pineapple butt holes.
-Oh, my God, Ali! -Sorry!
-Whatever. Let's go! We're going! -Let's go!
Guys, I really think I have momentum with Jessi.
All righty! The big mo!
You should have heard the way she said his name.
"Nicholas Birch."
Yeah, she likes the taste of my name in her mouth.
Bickolas Snirch. Yum, yum, yum.
Nick, what you need now is a grand gesture!
When I liked a girl, I'd write her a song,
or buy her a pair of gloves that go all the way up to her armpits.
And then smell the gloves while she slept.
I don't know, a grand gesture seems kind of risky.
But think of all you have to gain.
Okay, I've done some quick oil paintings projecting your future.
Jessi at Columbia.
She worked hard, good for her.
You at NYU, probably on some kind of comedy scholarship.
I learn differently.
You'll meet halfway in Times Square,
get married, make a bunch of babies in Miami.
Wow! That's exactly as I pictured it too.
I'm in, Walter.
Let's make a grand gesture for the heart of Jessi Glazer.
Well said, Bicholas Snirch.
Hey, that's my line. All right, I'm in the mix.
-Jeez, this thing's really a statue, huh?
Do you have chains and a pickup truck, by any chance?
-There's a Lime scooter over there. -Ooh!
What if we throw the scooter as hard as we can at the statue?
Oh, my God, great idea.
-We're gonna kill this statue. -I feel crazy right now, Jessi!
-I do too! -I think it's all the fucking pineapple.
-It's so heavy.
-Did you just fart? -No! It--it was the statue.
We better knock that bitch over before she shits on the ground.
Pfft! Okay.
-We suck! -Oh, we're so bad. Um…
-The crystal ball looks loose. -Should we fucking kick it?
Let me hold your shoulder. I'll fuckin' nail it with my heel.
-I'm sorry! I think it's the pineapple.
Okay, enough of this bullshit!
You have freed me from my curse.
-I'm a man again. Thank you. -Wait, he's still a hawk, right?
Yeah, but don't tell him, he seems so happy.
-Freeze there, fuckos! -Oh, shit!
You're under arrest for destruction of property
here, there, over there, actually right here.
-I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
Jesus Christ. That smells sweet.
-On my aunt's grave
who I loved like a mother,
those girls' farts smell like a piña colada.
-It's the pineapple!
Um, if you're just gonna be on your phone all night,
then we don't have to hang out.
Whoa, I was just seeing what time it was.
-Is something wrong? -No! Why are you always asking me that?
Um, I have literally never asked you that before.
I guess I just feel like you're always up my ass about everything.
Matt, I'm-- I'm confused. What's your game here?
And by the way, why would you put that hideous photo of me in there?
-Is that what you think I look like? -What is your problem?
-You're being kinda psycho. -Are you…
I'm sorry, are you breaking up with me?
Oh, I see what you're doing.
You're Inceptioning him to dump you.
-Genius!
I don't know what the hell you're talking about, Matthew.
Well, obviously you don't want to be with me if you think I'm such a psycho!
Wait a minute. Are you trying to get me to break up with you?
What? What does that even mean?
Oh, my God, you are.
You are such a fucking coward.
If I'm a fucking coward, maybe you should just continue dumping me.
You're right in the middle of it, you're almost done!
No, no, no. No, no. You are dumping me.
That's so funny, because it feels like you're dumping me!
You know what? Screw this, I'm out of here.
And for the record, you dumped me.
You just weren't brave enough to actually do it.
-Uh-oh. -Which, after all this time,
is really fucked up.
-Ugh.
I'm such a dick.
Sure, you're sad. I'm sad too!
But not really.
Not even at all, because now you can go after Jay.
Huh. I guess I can.
Hey, hey! Jay's hole! Lick his ass and stroke his pole.
Ow, ow, ow, ow. Oh, ooh, it's tearing.
That was dope. Those magic guys are cool.
And what's really cool is they're, like, always available.
You can hit them up on their beepers day and night.
Tight. Hey, you know any more wrestling magic?
Hell, yeah, I do!
Get in here, Charles Lu!
Oh.
Whoa!
Later, dude.
Oh, shit, my dick is levitating!
Oh, Maury, I don't feel so good.
Yeah, no shit. You just powered down, like, six clam chowder bread bowls.
I think I'm gonna shit my goddamned singlet. Ah!
Okay. Hi. What's the code for the bathroom, good sir?
-Six-seven-three-nine-oh-eight-eight… -What? Now what? Six… One more time.
-Eight… -What the fuck? One more time!
-Six, seven… -Fuck you. Fuck your door.
Oh, no, lady. You're not gonna wanna be here for this.
-My pocketbook! -It's fine!
I'm not sure I'm gonna make it, Maury.
It's gonna be one of those where you're shitting as you're sitting down.
One of those?
My God, my singlet, I can't get it off.
Rip that thing from bow to stern!
Okay, good, nude as a baby!
-Oh…
Buzzer beater!
You're shitting as you're sitting down. Yes, okay. Yeah, I've done that.
All right, girls, after all the rigmarole, we're letting ya off with a warning.
But for all that's good and holy, lay off the pineapple.
We're gonna have to fumigate our squad car.
Yes, sir.
I'm sorry we farted and broke a crystal ball.
Well, they don't seem sorry at all, do they?
It's all giggles and bullshit till someone dies.
Well, obviously you're grounded.
I know. But it was totally worth it.
Ali is a blast. You guys should rob a bank together.
It's just so nice to have a new friend that makes me feel good
and doesn't, like, jack off in front of me.
Speaking of, is that Andrew wearin' a bread bowl on his butt?
Hey, Jessi! You're probably asking yourself,
"Why is Andrew wearing a rustic loaf over his sweet, fat can?"
You see… Hey! No, no, no, no, wait! Can I get a ride home?
Oh, my underbreads!
What the…
-Hey! -Hey!
-Hi! -Hey, Nick.
-Um… -What are you doing outside of my house?
-I, uh… -I'll give you five minutes, Jess,
but only because Nick has an acoustic guitar.
You do have an acoustic guitar. How come?
Oh, um…
Uh, because there's something I need to tell you.
You got this, Nicholas.
You got the look.
Jessi…
Connie, what do I do?
Baby, I think you have to let him finish. Maybe at the end, it's a joke.
In case it wasn't clear, what I'm saying is,
I love you.
I'm in love with you, Jessi Glazer.
Oh, my God, I don't know what to say.
Sonya, where's the glow, darling?
Oh… Walter.
Nick, you don't… You don't love me.
What? Of course I do. Like, it's so cheesy but, like,
with all, like, my heart and soul.
Like, I want to, like, make babies with you on a balcony in Miami.
-Like, not now, but one day. -What?
Oh, no, Nicky, no, no, no, no, no, no, Nicky, no. Stop.
Can you just… Can you say something back now?
I'm so sorry. I just don't think I feel the same way about you.
-Cool, uh, cool. I see. That's, uh… -I'm so sorry.
No, that's good, uh, good information to have.
Walter, what do I do?
Uh… I-- I don't know. This always works.
Tell her you love her!
-Okay, I feel like I should go? -Yeah, me too.
So I think I'll just… I'm gonna go for a run.
-Ow!
Oh! Dear Lord!
Woof! That was rough.
Why did Nick have to do that?
And then he fell!
Scraped his little hands.
You know he's not gonna clean the pebbles out of those hands.
-Oh, God, he's back.
Nick, I…
-Ali! -Hey!
Aren't you grounded?
Well, yeah, but I-- I just wanted to let you know
that my dad is super into hanging out with your dad.
-Really? -No!
I snuck out to tell you that you're a fucking bad-ass, Jessi Glazer!
Me? You're the one who smashed a crystal ball with a rock!
You farted at cops!
Well, we both did that.
We really did, didn't we?
Hell yeah.
All right, well, I gotta get back before my dad realizes
the lump in my bed is a pile of True Religion jeans.
Love you!
That girl is so cool, right?
She's the fucking coolest.