1 00:00:07,550 --> 00:00:09,218 [birds chirping] 2 00:00:09,302 --> 00:00:11,304 -[phone chimes] -Hey, Devin and Devon are having 3 00:00:11,387 --> 00:00:12,805 a New Year's Eve party tonight. 4 00:00:12,889 --> 00:00:14,599 Oh! New Year's. 5 00:00:14,682 --> 00:00:16,809 When the ball drops, you better find someone 6 00:00:16,893 --> 00:00:20,354 to kiss your balls as they drop into their mouth. [chuckles] 7 00:00:20,438 --> 00:00:23,608 Hey-yo! The producers are finally letting me write my own jokes. 8 00:00:23,691 --> 00:00:27,737 Cool. "Please join us for a Re-New Year's Eve party 9 00:00:27,820 --> 00:00:30,406 as we renew our vows for the year ahead. 10 00:00:30,490 --> 00:00:31,616 Black-tie enforced"? 11 00:00:31,699 --> 00:00:33,951 Do you think that little shit Nick is gonna be there? 12 00:00:34,035 --> 00:00:38,748 Because if he is, that party is gonna turn into a fucking funeral, brother. 13 00:00:38,831 --> 00:00:42,460 I was this close to touching a real-life boob, and Nick ruined it! 14 00:00:42,543 --> 00:00:45,755 You should go to the bastard's house and give him a piece of your mind. 15 00:00:45,838 --> 00:00:47,632 Oh, you're right. I should! 16 00:00:47,715 --> 00:00:51,260 I'm gonna go let him have it, Marty Glouberman style. 17 00:00:51,344 --> 00:00:54,013 Yes! Ask for a refund on your friendship. 18 00:00:54,097 --> 00:00:55,932 No one fucks with Andrew, baby! 19 00:00:56,015 --> 00:01:00,269 You're a man, Andrew, with a dick of steel and a gun for an ass. 20 00:01:00,353 --> 00:01:01,229 Go get 'em! 21 00:01:01,312 --> 00:01:03,147 -[chimes] -I don't wanna show up 22 00:01:03,231 --> 00:01:05,775 at a shitty New Year's Eve party with a dumb broken leg. 23 00:01:05,858 --> 00:01:10,780 Not to mention your cast smells like a pile of hot Band-Aids. 24 00:01:10,863 --> 00:01:12,281 This is all your fault, Walter. 25 00:01:12,365 --> 00:01:13,950 [laughs] My fault? 26 00:01:14,033 --> 00:01:15,827 You broke your own damn leg, 27 00:01:15,910 --> 00:01:16,994 you pocket diva. 28 00:01:17,078 --> 00:01:19,872 No, no, no, no, no. You made me fall in love with Jessi. 29 00:01:19,956 --> 00:01:23,334 Then you made me hate everybody and go down that stupid fucking mountain. 30 00:01:23,417 --> 00:01:25,586 Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho! 31 00:01:25,670 --> 00:01:27,046 I did all of that? 32 00:01:27,130 --> 00:01:29,298 Yeah, you're the reason my life sucks. 33 00:01:29,382 --> 00:01:30,967 You know what? Fuck this. 34 00:01:31,050 --> 00:01:35,012 I am D-O-N-E done with your sniveling ass. 35 00:01:35,096 --> 00:01:36,347 Toodle-oo, bitch! 36 00:01:36,430 --> 00:01:37,890 Hey, where do you think you're going? 37 00:01:37,974 --> 00:01:40,143 Don't you dare leave while I'm fucking talking. 38 00:01:40,226 --> 00:01:42,520 -[grunting] -Get off me, you weak-ass gimp! 39 00:01:42,603 --> 00:01:45,606 Dr. Birch, I need to talk to your miserable son. 40 00:01:45,690 --> 00:01:48,860 And I need to talk to whoever cuts your hair because you look dynamite, 41 00:01:48,943 --> 00:01:49,777 and I love you. 42 00:01:49,861 --> 00:01:51,863 [both grunting] 43 00:01:51,946 --> 00:01:55,241 [screams, rattles] Don't you ever grab a grown worm's tail! 44 00:01:55,324 --> 00:01:58,494 -[inhales] Nicholas Birch-- Whoa! Jesus! -[both grunting] 45 00:01:58,578 --> 00:02:00,037 What the hell is that thing? 46 00:02:00,121 --> 00:02:02,915 Oh, shit. I'm sure they'll be right out. 47 00:02:02,999 --> 00:02:05,418 -[toilet flushes] -Do not go in there 48 00:02:05,501 --> 00:02:08,588 unless you want to see doo-doo in the sink! 49 00:02:08,671 --> 00:02:10,923 ["Changes" by Charles Bradley plays] 50 00:02:11,007 --> 00:02:16,304 ♪ I'm going through changes ♪ 51 00:02:20,474 --> 00:02:26,022 ♪ I'm going through changes ♪ 52 00:02:26,772 --> 00:02:28,733 ♪ Oh, in my life ♪ 53 00:02:30,359 --> 00:02:33,487 ♪ Oh! Ooh! Ooh! ♪ 54 00:02:41,579 --> 00:02:43,831 Maury, what the fuck was that snake thing? 55 00:02:43,915 --> 00:02:45,333 Not a snake, a hate worm. 56 00:02:45,416 --> 00:02:50,630 They're creatures that infect your soul with a lust for animus and violence. 57 00:02:50,713 --> 00:02:51,923 So, like, bad vibes? 58 00:02:52,006 --> 00:02:52,840 Yeah, bad vibes. 59 00:02:52,924 --> 00:02:55,092 But now Nick is outta your life. 60 00:02:55,176 --> 00:02:58,137 He's Criminal Minds, baby. He's canceled. 61 00:02:58,221 --> 00:03:00,431 He's off the air, and we don't care. 62 00:03:00,514 --> 00:03:02,516 But, Maury, we gotta get Nick back! 63 00:03:02,600 --> 00:03:05,937 You can't lose eight kids and not expect a pay cut, man! 64 00:03:06,020 --> 00:03:07,605 I'm trying to buy a trampoline over here! 65 00:03:07,688 --> 00:03:10,900 Why should we help Nick? Did you not hear about my titty tragedy? 66 00:03:10,983 --> 00:03:12,652 Pretty please, Maury? 67 00:03:12,735 --> 00:03:14,278 With a booger on top? 68 00:03:14,362 --> 00:03:16,906 Ugh, fine. I'll help. But only for you, Rick. 69 00:03:16,989 --> 00:03:19,408 You know, Rick once helped me out of a Costco. 70 00:03:19,492 --> 00:03:21,035 You can't find the exit in those places. 71 00:03:21,118 --> 00:03:22,995 You just gotta look for the entrance. 72 00:03:23,079 --> 00:03:24,956 The entrance is the exit, man! 73 00:03:25,039 --> 00:03:25,915 Voilà, baby! 74 00:03:25,998 --> 00:03:29,794 All right, I'll come, but only because I, too, have been lost in a Costco, 75 00:03:29,877 --> 00:03:30,962 and it is scary. 76 00:03:31,045 --> 00:03:32,129 Road trip! 77 00:03:32,213 --> 00:03:33,547 -Ah! -Pack your bags, baby! 78 00:03:33,631 --> 00:03:36,676 The girls are headed to sunny San Diego! 79 00:03:36,759 --> 00:03:37,927 Whoo-hoo! 80 00:03:38,010 --> 00:03:40,137 -[Mona] Ooh, a New Year's Eve party! -[buzzing] 81 00:03:40,221 --> 00:03:43,140 Missy, let's get out of this dirty fart room 82 00:03:43,224 --> 00:03:45,101 and see some actual human beings. 83 00:03:45,184 --> 00:03:47,061 Fuck that! You don't want to see those lowlifes. 84 00:03:47,144 --> 00:03:49,105 -[knock at door] -Who the fudge is that? 85 00:03:49,188 --> 00:03:52,483 Don't make me go in there, Monica. [stammers] She's a hate bomb. 86 00:03:52,566 --> 00:03:54,151 But it's your turn, Cyrus. 87 00:03:54,735 --> 00:03:56,112 -[crinkles] -[Cyrus groans] 88 00:03:56,195 --> 00:03:59,031 -[exhales] Okay, you can do this. -[tense music plays] 89 00:03:59,115 --> 00:04:00,950 She's just a 13-year-old girl. 90 00:04:01,033 --> 00:04:03,869 If you're here to calm me down, fat man, it's not gonna happen! 91 00:04:03,953 --> 00:04:05,454 [Cyrus] Hey now, honey. 92 00:04:05,538 --> 00:04:07,331 I, uh, just wanted to tell you 93 00:04:07,415 --> 00:04:09,667 -I know how you feel. -[bomb ticking, beeping] 94 00:04:09,750 --> 00:04:11,836 -Let me get this straight, Dad. -[exhales] 95 00:04:11,919 --> 00:04:17,049 You think a 50-year-old, bald nerd who wears a radish bra knows how I feel? 96 00:04:17,133 --> 00:04:19,760 [Cyrus] Well, now, I--I don't wear the bra. 97 00:04:19,844 --> 00:04:22,096 Ooh! Drop some salt on this old bitch. 98 00:04:22,179 --> 00:04:25,308 -You want to know how I feel, Cyrus Byrus? -[tense music rises] 99 00:04:25,391 --> 00:04:28,394 -Well, I hate you and I hate your wife! -You mean your mother? 100 00:04:28,477 --> 00:04:31,731 And I hate Jessi, I hate Ali, Nick, 101 00:04:31,814 --> 00:04:34,233 my messed-up hair, my gross bacne, 102 00:04:34,317 --> 00:04:36,193 and I hate carob too! 103 00:04:36,277 --> 00:04:39,405 It doesn't taste like chocolate, it tastes like crap! 104 00:04:39,488 --> 00:04:41,240 [Cyrus] Oh, Missy! Not carob! 105 00:04:41,324 --> 00:04:44,118 -Fuck carob and fuck you too! [screams] -[high-pitched beep] 106 00:04:44,201 --> 00:04:45,036 [Cyrus] Oh, shit! 107 00:04:45,911 --> 00:04:46,996 How'd it go? 108 00:04:47,079 --> 00:04:49,540 [sizzling] Let's just say, "I wear the bra." 109 00:04:49,623 --> 00:04:50,958 -You do? -No! 110 00:04:51,042 --> 00:04:52,209 [both kissing] Mmm. 111 00:04:53,169 --> 00:04:56,088 Ah, Jay's pants car is a Wonderland. 112 00:04:56,172 --> 00:05:00,509 I just found this sexy pair of Emeril Lagasse bootcut jeans from 2002. 113 00:05:00,593 --> 00:05:03,637 I am having a weirdly amazing time. 114 00:05:03,721 --> 00:05:06,599 Me too, and look! A pair of pants with a butt zipper. 115 00:05:06,682 --> 00:05:09,310 They're perfect for getting your ass eaten on the go. 116 00:05:09,393 --> 00:05:10,436 -Ugh. -Hey, Matthew, 117 00:05:10,519 --> 00:05:13,939 what has 50 teeth and a big brown eye in the middle? 118 00:05:14,023 --> 00:05:17,109 Huh? What's that? I can't write my own jokes anymore? 119 00:05:17,193 --> 00:05:19,362 Okay, well, I guess you don't want the show to be funny. 120 00:05:19,445 --> 00:05:20,946 Hey, Matthew. I was thinking, 121 00:05:21,030 --> 00:05:24,033 maybe we can go to the Devins' New Year's party, 122 00:05:24,116 --> 00:05:25,951 dot, dot, dot, together? 123 00:05:26,035 --> 00:05:26,869 -Yes, yes! -Yes. 124 00:05:26,952 --> 00:05:27,828 -Yes? -Yes! 125 00:05:27,912 --> 00:05:28,788 Yes! 126 00:05:28,871 --> 00:05:29,705 [howls] 127 00:05:30,331 --> 00:05:32,792 New Year's wolf! 128 00:05:32,875 --> 00:05:34,752 Come on, Matthew, howl with me. 129 00:05:34,835 --> 00:05:37,755 -Well, I don't know if howling's my thing… -Oh. 130 00:05:37,838 --> 00:05:40,591 …'cause I'm more of a swan, bitch. 131 00:05:40,674 --> 00:05:42,968 ♪ New Year's Swan! ♪ 132 00:05:43,052 --> 00:05:44,762 Oh! 133 00:05:44,845 --> 00:05:49,683 You know what would really make your dirty swan ass shit out an egg? 134 00:05:49,767 --> 00:05:50,601 [laughs] 135 00:05:50,684 --> 00:05:53,938 If we took this naughty girl for a spin. 136 00:05:54,021 --> 00:05:55,564 Wait, what? This car turns on? 137 00:05:55,648 --> 00:05:58,192 Duh! It's only got 600,000 miles on it. 138 00:05:58,275 --> 00:06:01,654 Come on, how about a little joyride? 139 00:06:01,737 --> 00:06:04,365 Oh, shit! This kid is a madman. 140 00:06:04,448 --> 00:06:07,618 -What the fuck are you wearing? -It's a denim gimp suit, after all. 141 00:06:07,701 --> 00:06:10,121 -Matthew, I absolutely love it. -[Jay] Ha ha! 142 00:06:10,204 --> 00:06:12,206 -Here we go! -Jay, no. It's icy out. 143 00:06:12,289 --> 00:06:15,334 This is an old car. You're a child. You can't be on the road. 144 00:06:15,418 --> 00:06:18,921 Roads? Where we're going, we don't need roads, 145 00:06:19,004 --> 00:06:21,882 'cause I drive on the sidewalk, baby. 146 00:06:21,966 --> 00:06:23,384 -[tires squeal] -[screams] 147 00:06:24,009 --> 00:06:26,887 -[both grunt] -You better back the fuck up! 148 00:06:26,971 --> 00:06:28,305 -Ah! Wait. Wait. -[rattles] 149 00:06:28,389 --> 00:06:30,850 Where are you going? You can't just leave me here. 150 00:06:30,933 --> 00:06:33,644 [laughs] Bitch, I just did. 151 00:06:33,727 --> 00:06:34,895 Shit! 152 00:06:34,979 --> 00:06:37,523 Excuse me, sir, I need a little help. 153 00:06:37,606 --> 00:06:39,108 -Hey, octopus lady-- -Uh, no. 154 00:06:39,191 --> 00:06:42,403 -You, walking clump of noodles-- -Sorry, I don't have any change. 155 00:06:42,486 --> 00:06:44,697 Jesus, everyone up here's an asshole too. 156 00:06:44,780 --> 00:06:47,450 Wah wah, take it to the Complaints Department, kid. 157 00:06:47,533 --> 00:06:50,369 The Complaints Department? Perfect. Where--where is that? 158 00:06:50,453 --> 00:06:53,831 Follow me. I'm gonna complain about how my dick pops out of my head 159 00:06:53,914 --> 00:06:55,499 every time I get pissed off. 160 00:06:55,583 --> 00:06:56,959 Look at this thing. 161 00:06:57,042 --> 00:06:59,462 I just don't get why Missy is so angry. 162 00:06:59,545 --> 00:07:02,673 She had an idea, I had an idea. People just liked mine more. 163 00:07:02,756 --> 00:07:05,968 People. Like. Your. Shit! You can't help it. 164 00:07:06,051 --> 00:07:09,346 That's called charisma. Seahorse Ronan got the same problem. 165 00:07:09,430 --> 00:07:11,849 -I think her name is Saoirse. -No, that's not a name. 166 00:07:11,932 --> 00:07:16,103 Jessi, didn't Missy try talking to you about how you took over her affinity group 167 00:07:16,187 --> 00:07:17,813 and you kind of blew her off? 168 00:07:17,897 --> 00:07:20,691 I mean, I remember her coming up to me at school, 169 00:07:20,774 --> 00:07:23,110 but I don't really remember anything she said. 170 00:07:23,194 --> 00:07:26,071 Now, see, if Seahorse was saying it, you'd remember that shit. 171 00:07:26,155 --> 00:07:31,076 Well, there's this bummer guy at the office and he sort of sucks a lot, 172 00:07:31,160 --> 00:07:33,662 but I think he might be able to help you. 173 00:07:33,746 --> 00:07:35,831 -[sinister music plays] -Ha ha! That's right, Sonya, 174 00:07:35,915 --> 00:07:39,627 because sometimes shame is so very appropriate. 175 00:07:39,710 --> 00:07:42,338 Oh, God, not him. He's awful. 176 00:07:42,421 --> 00:07:45,508 I was just gonna say the same thing about you. 177 00:07:45,591 --> 00:07:48,511 Whoa, what's happening? Is that me? 178 00:07:48,594 --> 00:07:53,933 Yes, you're experiencing this moment with Missy through her eyes. 179 00:07:54,016 --> 00:07:56,143 [Missy] Jessi, you took over my affinity group, 180 00:07:56,227 --> 00:07:59,396 and I'm not saying that you need to smooch my booty, but you know what? 181 00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:00,523 You should apologize! 182 00:08:00,606 --> 00:08:04,860 Fine. I am sorry, I guess, for helping you get rid of the mascot, 183 00:08:04,944 --> 00:08:06,737 -which is exactly what you wanted. -Ooph! 184 00:08:06,820 --> 00:08:08,822 Damn. This didn't seem bitchy to you at the time? 185 00:08:08,906 --> 00:08:09,865 [Missy] That's not… 186 00:08:09,949 --> 00:08:12,576 I don't think you should come to the affinity group meetings anymore. 187 00:08:12,660 --> 00:08:15,120 Oh, no, I can't come to your boring meetings? 188 00:08:15,204 --> 00:08:16,622 That's such a bummer. 189 00:08:16,705 --> 00:08:17,706 Aw… 190 00:08:17,790 --> 00:08:19,917 Oh, God, I said all that? 191 00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:22,211 -Oh, I'm so ashamed. -[in sing-song] Nailed it! 192 00:08:22,294 --> 00:08:24,713 I just rolled right over her without realizing it. 193 00:08:24,797 --> 00:08:25,714 Who acts like that? 194 00:08:25,798 --> 00:08:27,800 Most of the time it is the white people. 195 00:08:27,883 --> 00:08:31,095 [hesitantly] Also, back then, you were so into Ali, 196 00:08:31,178 --> 00:08:33,597 you didn't give a hot shit about anyone else, 197 00:08:33,681 --> 00:08:35,099 and that's kind of my fault. 198 00:08:35,182 --> 00:08:36,767 No, no, that's on me. 199 00:08:36,850 --> 00:08:38,435 Ladies, please. 200 00:08:38,519 --> 00:08:41,063 It's all your faults. 201 00:08:41,146 --> 00:08:43,107 #BlameWomen! 202 00:08:43,190 --> 00:08:44,483 [indistinct chatter] 203 00:08:44,567 --> 00:08:47,486 So you'd like to lodge a complaint against your daughter. 204 00:08:47,570 --> 00:08:50,614 -[Cyrus] She says I wear a radish bra. -Well, do you wear the bra? 205 00:08:50,698 --> 00:08:53,993 -No, I don't wear a bra! -Okay, sir, no need to holler. Hooph! 206 00:08:54,076 --> 00:08:56,412 Between you and me, I think he wears the bra. 207 00:08:56,495 --> 00:08:58,247 -What? -How can I help you, cutie pie? 208 00:08:58,330 --> 00:09:00,791 One of your goddamn hate worms left me here to die. 209 00:09:00,874 --> 00:09:04,628 Oh, dearie, well, that isn't super-duper, is it? [laughs] 210 00:09:04,712 --> 00:09:06,297 -Name? -Nick Birch. 211 00:09:06,380 --> 00:09:09,300 Oh, boy. You have quite the file here. 212 00:09:09,383 --> 00:09:12,845 Yeah, because I've been fucked over by every monster you've ever given me. 213 00:09:12,928 --> 00:09:17,224 Walter, Rick, Tyler, the Shame Wizard, Tito, Connie! 214 00:09:17,308 --> 00:09:19,143 This whole operation is a shit show. 215 00:09:19,226 --> 00:09:22,062 Gosh, I don't care for the cusses, Mr. Denis Leary. 216 00:09:22,146 --> 00:09:26,233 I don't give a rat's ass, I want answers. I want to speak to whoever is in charge. 217 00:09:26,317 --> 00:09:29,069 Oh, well, that's actually a great idea. 218 00:09:29,153 --> 00:09:30,154 Good. Finally. 219 00:09:30,237 --> 00:09:31,739 A-a little respect. Thank you. 220 00:09:31,822 --> 00:09:34,950 -End of the hall, red elevator, top floor. -[eerie music plays] 221 00:09:35,034 --> 00:09:35,951 Well, go on now. 222 00:09:36,035 --> 00:09:38,329 It's just the one with the throbbing red door. 223 00:09:38,412 --> 00:09:39,246 Uh… 224 00:09:39,330 --> 00:09:43,000 Oh, it's okay, sweetheart, you're just getting what you asked for. 225 00:09:43,083 --> 00:09:44,668 -[eerie sting] -[light crackles] 226 00:09:44,752 --> 00:09:47,838 Okay, well, Nick was with a hate worm named Walter, 227 00:09:47,921 --> 00:09:49,298 and this is the Hate Division. 228 00:09:49,381 --> 00:09:51,800 This place gives me the creeps, Maury! 229 00:09:51,884 --> 00:09:53,052 What if get too scared 230 00:09:53,135 --> 00:09:54,637 -and I doo-doo in a sink? -Ahh! 231 00:09:55,262 --> 00:09:57,514 -[Andrew] Oh, my God. -Holy shit! 232 00:09:57,598 --> 00:09:58,891 Andrew Glouberman? 233 00:09:58,974 --> 00:10:00,726 -Guys, come here, it's him. -[groans] 234 00:10:00,809 --> 00:10:03,646 You're that hateful maniac that yanked that kid out of his wheelchair. 235 00:10:03,729 --> 00:10:04,730 Fuck, I love you! 236 00:10:04,813 --> 00:10:07,399 Oh, remember when he went to the Nazi meeting? 237 00:10:07,483 --> 00:10:10,653 You're such a dick! Hey, do you think I could get a selfie? 238 00:10:10,736 --> 00:10:13,489 Maury, I-I'm uncomfortable with my new celebrity. 239 00:10:13,572 --> 00:10:16,075 Well, you did do all those things. 240 00:10:16,158 --> 00:10:18,869 -Ooh! Do something terrible right now. -Excuse me? 241 00:10:18,952 --> 00:10:21,664 Stab me! Stab me in the ear. It would be an honor. 242 00:10:21,747 --> 00:10:23,248 Yeah, come on, asshole. Do it. 243 00:10:23,332 --> 00:10:25,793 Stab him in the neck, not the ear. 244 00:10:25,876 --> 00:10:28,170 What is this, a fucking Claire's? 245 00:10:28,253 --> 00:10:30,547 Walter, we were just looking for you. Where's Nick? 246 00:10:30,631 --> 00:10:31,715 No clue, Maurice. 247 00:10:31,799 --> 00:10:34,677 I left that little dribble of piss to rot and die. 248 00:10:34,760 --> 00:10:36,053 Completely understandable. 249 00:10:36,136 --> 00:10:39,306 And what exactly are you doing here? 250 00:10:39,390 --> 00:10:40,474 Uh, looking for Nick. 251 00:10:40,557 --> 00:10:45,187 [laughs] You know he thinks you're a hemorrhoid with glasses, right? 252 00:10:45,270 --> 00:10:46,689 Those were his exact words? 253 00:10:46,772 --> 00:10:49,942 [rattles] Doesn't that make you just hate his little guts? 254 00:10:50,025 --> 00:10:53,696 -I mean… -You need a hate worm, and I'm tech avail. 255 00:10:53,779 --> 00:10:56,281 Well, you have done incredible work with Nick. 256 00:10:56,365 --> 00:10:58,826 Oh, honey. I'm the best. 257 00:10:58,909 --> 00:11:02,746 But no, no, I can't. I know what it's like to go to those dark and angry places. 258 00:11:02,830 --> 00:11:05,249 And I don't hate Nick. I want to help him. 259 00:11:05,332 --> 00:11:06,166 -[groans] -Boo! 260 00:11:06,250 --> 00:11:08,210 -What a crock! -Never meet your heroes. 261 00:11:08,293 --> 00:11:12,297 Come on, Maury, we gotta keep looking for that mean little asshole. 262 00:11:12,381 --> 00:11:14,633 -Ugh, fine. Wait, where's Rick? -[toilet flushes] 263 00:11:14,717 --> 00:11:17,094 Go! Go! Go! I did it! I doo-doo'd the sink! 264 00:11:17,177 --> 00:11:18,804 What? Why do you keep flushing, then? 265 00:11:18,887 --> 00:11:21,765 I like the sound, man! Just go! Run! Run! Run! Run! 266 00:11:22,266 --> 00:11:26,019 Oh, Knights of St. Joseph, I'm in utter shambles, 267 00:11:26,103 --> 00:11:29,857 for my relationship with Jay seems, like, totally done-zo! 268 00:11:29,940 --> 00:11:31,233 Please, your grace, 269 00:11:31,316 --> 00:11:34,069 I beg of thee not to roost in such sorrow. 270 00:11:34,153 --> 00:11:38,532 But I hurt him so badly, and it was absolutely on purpose. 271 00:11:38,615 --> 00:11:42,578 Just as I asked my hamster Eli after his untimely death, 272 00:11:42,661 --> 00:11:46,373 "Why do we microwave the ones we love the most?" [thuds] 273 00:11:46,457 --> 00:11:48,667 -[sobs] -You know, 'tis only a matter of time 274 00:11:48,751 --> 00:11:51,670 before we see the inside of that microwave. 275 00:11:51,754 --> 00:11:53,464 Shall we tell her of the prophecy? 276 00:11:53,547 --> 00:11:54,757 Prophecy? [sniffles] 277 00:11:54,840 --> 00:11:56,133 Of what prophecy… [gasps] 278 00:11:56,216 --> 00:11:57,217 …do you talk of? 279 00:11:57,301 --> 00:12:01,764 Your Highness, we speak of a prophecy delivered unto thee years ago 280 00:12:01,847 --> 00:12:04,266 about your romantic destiny. 281 00:12:04,349 --> 00:12:05,642 Listening. 282 00:12:06,435 --> 00:12:07,269 Who's that? 283 00:12:07,352 --> 00:12:10,564 -Ah, 'tis thee as a babe, Your Majesty. -[angelic choir] ♪ Ah! ♪ 284 00:12:10,647 --> 00:12:13,025 Like, honestly, goo-goo. 285 00:12:13,108 --> 00:12:16,862 Tiny princess, thou are fated to find a love pure of heart. 286 00:12:16,945 --> 00:12:19,698 Neither father nor mother shall he have. 287 00:12:19,782 --> 00:12:22,493 And, uh, a crown shalt rest upon his head. 288 00:12:22,576 --> 00:12:23,619 Oh, my goo-goo. 289 00:12:23,702 --> 00:12:26,580 Oh, my God, this is stunning news. 290 00:12:26,663 --> 00:12:29,374 That prophecy totally refers to Jay. 291 00:12:29,458 --> 00:12:32,669 [gasps] He's my true love! 292 00:12:32,753 --> 00:12:35,672 Well, it may refer to many suitors, My Queen. 293 00:12:35,756 --> 00:12:36,840 No, it's totally him! 294 00:12:36,924 --> 00:12:41,136 Jay is basically an orphan, and the crown is his spiky hair! 295 00:12:41,220 --> 00:12:43,931 -Case closed! -I worry that you're reaching, My Lady. 296 00:12:44,014 --> 00:12:46,934 Yeah, reaching for the microwave if you don't shut up. 297 00:12:47,017 --> 00:12:49,061 -Oh yeah, case closed. -Yeah, no, I think it's Jay. 298 00:12:49,144 --> 00:12:53,690 Get ready, Jay, this queen is coming for her fucking king! 299 00:12:53,774 --> 00:12:56,151 [typing] What the barf is that? 300 00:12:56,235 --> 00:12:58,529 I know you don't want to talk to me, 301 00:12:58,612 --> 00:13:00,989 but there's someone else who might know how you feel. 302 00:13:01,073 --> 00:13:02,074 Hey, girl! 303 00:13:02,157 --> 00:13:03,867 We are not her girl. Hang up! 304 00:13:03,951 --> 00:13:07,329 No! I want to see her face when I rip her a new dookie chute. 305 00:13:07,412 --> 00:13:10,040 Why'd you call, Quinta? To fart down my throat? 306 00:13:10,123 --> 00:13:12,543 Okay, no, I've actually been feeling bad 307 00:13:12,626 --> 00:13:14,545 about how things went down on Thanksgiving. 308 00:13:14,628 --> 00:13:15,546 -What? -Fuck that. 309 00:13:15,629 --> 00:13:18,841 And Uncle Cyrus said you've been holed up in your room all break, 310 00:13:18,924 --> 00:13:20,384 pissing in jars and shit. 311 00:13:20,467 --> 00:13:22,135 You don't look too good. You okay? 312 00:13:22,219 --> 00:13:23,470 What do you care how I look? 313 00:13:23,554 --> 00:13:25,639 You said my braids look like Frederick Douglass. 314 00:13:25,722 --> 00:13:26,849 [chuckling] I'm sorry. 315 00:13:26,932 --> 00:13:29,434 As funny as that was, you didn't deserve it. 316 00:13:29,518 --> 00:13:32,020 -Yeah, I didn't. -Come on, let me help you with your hair. 317 00:13:32,104 --> 00:13:33,272 Yes, please! 318 00:13:33,355 --> 00:13:34,356 Bump that noise. 319 00:13:34,439 --> 00:13:36,984 This piece of shit can't help you. She's a piece of shit. 320 00:13:37,067 --> 00:13:39,987 -[Missy] Ah! -She's not a piece of shit! She's Quinta! 321 00:13:40,070 --> 00:13:42,281 She's my favorite one in the whole family. 322 00:13:42,364 --> 00:13:45,325 -[Missy straining] -She knows cool music and calls men hoes! 323 00:13:45,409 --> 00:13:46,952 Yeah, she's my cousin… 324 00:13:47,035 --> 00:13:48,328 [grunts] …and I love her! 325 00:13:48,412 --> 00:13:49,997 No, no, no, Missy, hang up. 326 00:13:50,080 --> 00:13:51,832 Quinta! I want your help! 327 00:13:51,915 --> 00:13:53,917 Okay, why are you yelling, girl? 328 00:13:54,001 --> 00:13:54,835 Chill out. 329 00:13:54,918 --> 00:13:57,087 -[elevator dings] -Oh, what the hell? 330 00:13:57,170 --> 00:14:00,591 Kroll Show? Oh, Hello on Broadway? 331 00:14:00,674 --> 00:14:02,009 Huh, Big Mouth. 332 00:14:02,092 --> 00:14:03,260 [knocks on door] Hello? 333 00:14:04,720 --> 00:14:07,222 -Hey! Yeah, come in. -[Nick] Whoa! 334 00:14:07,306 --> 00:14:08,515 Yeah, yeah, come on in. 335 00:14:08,599 --> 00:14:11,643 Look at you! Little me. You look great. 336 00:14:11,727 --> 00:14:13,353 What the fuck? 337 00:14:13,437 --> 00:14:16,940 Who are you, and why do you look, like, so weird? 338 00:14:17,024 --> 00:14:19,151 I'm, uh, Nick Kroll, creator of Big Mouth, 339 00:14:19,234 --> 00:14:21,904 and I guess, like, grown-up, real-life you. 340 00:14:21,987 --> 00:14:23,322 That's very strange. 341 00:14:23,405 --> 00:14:24,531 Oh, yeah, I know. 342 00:14:24,615 --> 00:14:28,410 It's a very big swing. We'll see if it works, but not right now. 343 00:14:28,493 --> 00:14:30,370 Right now, we're gonna cut to the next scene. 344 00:14:30,454 --> 00:14:31,538 "Next scene"? What? 345 00:14:31,622 --> 00:14:33,373 "Interior: Jay's Pants Car." 346 00:14:33,457 --> 00:14:35,834 Jay has a pants car? That sounds fun! 347 00:14:35,918 --> 00:14:38,837 -[car horns honking] -Holy shit, Maury. This is insane. 348 00:14:38,921 --> 00:14:41,798 I know. And why does Jay have a "Baby on board" sign? 349 00:14:41,882 --> 00:14:43,550 Is there a baby under the pants? 350 00:14:43,634 --> 00:14:47,554 -Driving wolf! [howls] -Whoa, Jay, what the hell are you doing? 351 00:14:47,638 --> 00:14:51,391 What? I like to speed and throw pants out the window at strangers. 352 00:14:51,475 --> 00:14:52,893 -[grunts] -[tires squeal] 353 00:14:53,602 --> 00:14:56,438 I have proof who the Ponytail Killer is. It's-- [grunts] 354 00:14:56,521 --> 00:14:59,107 Oh, my God. That guy just got hit by a car! 355 00:14:59,191 --> 00:15:01,234 ♪ Driving swan! ♪ 356 00:15:01,318 --> 00:15:02,861 No. No driving swan. 357 00:15:02,945 --> 00:15:04,947 Stop the car, Jay. Stop the car! 358 00:15:05,030 --> 00:15:06,448 -[tires squeal] -[both grunt] 359 00:15:06,531 --> 00:15:08,367 [sighs] Wow! 360 00:15:08,450 --> 00:15:10,744 I didn't even fly through the windshield this time. 361 00:15:10,827 --> 00:15:12,204 I'm getting better at this. 362 00:15:12,287 --> 00:15:14,539 Holy shit! You're insane, Jay. 363 00:15:14,623 --> 00:15:17,084 Yeah! Thank you! Let's make out. 364 00:15:17,167 --> 00:15:19,002 No! You almost killed us. 365 00:15:19,086 --> 00:15:24,007 You're like a--a feral beast that needs to be put down before it bites a toddler. 366 00:15:24,091 --> 00:15:26,385 Wait. I thought that's what you liked about me. 367 00:15:26,468 --> 00:15:30,180 I thought so too, until you caused that violent denim pile up. 368 00:15:30,263 --> 00:15:31,682 "Violent denim pile up"? 369 00:15:31,765 --> 00:15:34,059 That's what I call my threesomes with Jay Leno 370 00:15:34,142 --> 00:15:36,311 and his lovely wife of 40 years, 371 00:15:36,395 --> 00:15:37,562 Mavis Leno. 372 00:15:37,646 --> 00:15:39,022 Oh, I see. 373 00:15:39,106 --> 00:15:43,652 Perfect Matthew doesn't want a "hit-and-run on his permanent record." 374 00:15:43,735 --> 00:15:45,737 You probably don't think I should be driving. 375 00:15:45,821 --> 00:15:48,865 Of course not! You just crashed into a fire hydrant, Jay! 376 00:15:48,949 --> 00:15:49,783 You know what? 377 00:15:49,866 --> 00:15:52,995 Maybe a wolf and a swan are just too different. 378 00:15:53,078 --> 00:15:55,956 One's a dog, and the other's a water chicken. 379 00:15:56,039 --> 00:15:58,667 "A water chicken"? How are we in the same grade? 380 00:15:58,750 --> 00:16:00,085 Yeah. I get it, Matthew. 381 00:16:00,168 --> 00:16:02,254 You're better than me, you're smarter than me, 382 00:16:02,337 --> 00:16:04,673 and you never use your toenails as a toothpick. 383 00:16:04,756 --> 00:16:06,508 Well, guess what, 384 00:16:06,591 --> 00:16:08,927 Mr. Fancy Fountain at the Mall? 385 00:16:09,011 --> 00:16:12,014 I don't wanna go to the New Year's party with you anymore. 386 00:16:12,097 --> 00:16:14,516 Well, good, because I don't wanna go to the party with you. 387 00:16:14,599 --> 00:16:17,686 Perfect. Sounds like we're all getting what we want. 388 00:16:17,769 --> 00:16:19,271 -[tires squeal] -Oh… 389 00:16:19,771 --> 00:16:21,898 [Missy] Okay, last one. 390 00:16:21,982 --> 00:16:24,860 I'm gonna slide this down. 391 00:16:24,943 --> 00:16:27,029 Ow! Oh, it hurts. 392 00:16:27,112 --> 00:16:31,033 [chuckles] Of course it hurts, Titties. You're tender-headed. It'll get easier. 393 00:16:31,116 --> 00:16:34,453 -[Missy winces loudly] -And you look amazing! Babe alert! 394 00:16:34,536 --> 00:16:35,787 More like Amber Alert. 395 00:16:35,871 --> 00:16:38,498 Who the fuck is this ugly bitch that kidnapped Missy? 396 00:16:38,582 --> 00:16:41,376 [Jessi knocks at door] Hey, Missy? Are you in there? 397 00:16:41,460 --> 00:16:43,128 Jessi? What the hell do you want? 398 00:16:43,211 --> 00:16:45,297 [Jessi] I came to apologize. 399 00:16:45,380 --> 00:16:47,507 Hell no! Tell her to get her raggedy ass 400 00:16:47,591 --> 00:16:48,550 -out of here. -Um… 401 00:16:48,633 --> 00:16:49,843 Maybe you should hear her out. 402 00:16:49,926 --> 00:16:51,845 Usually, when a white chick shows up at our house, 403 00:16:51,928 --> 00:16:53,764 they've come to put their face in Lena's puss. 404 00:16:53,847 --> 00:16:56,808 Well, that's not my preference, but maybe you're right. 405 00:16:56,892 --> 00:16:59,227 -Okay, bye, Quinta! -Have fun getting eaten out. 406 00:16:59,811 --> 00:17:00,645 Hey. 407 00:17:00,729 --> 00:17:03,940 You know, if the apology doesn't work, eating her out is a good Plan B. 408 00:17:04,024 --> 00:17:06,443 Um, I… like your hair. 409 00:17:06,526 --> 00:17:09,029 Boom! If Jessi likes it, you know it's trash. 410 00:17:09,112 --> 00:17:10,405 Yeah, I'm kinda busy. 411 00:17:10,489 --> 00:17:13,241 So if you're just gonna stand there like some dumbass statue… 412 00:17:13,325 --> 00:17:14,951 Right, right, right. Sorry. 413 00:17:15,035 --> 00:17:17,454 Um, so, speaking of dumbasses… 414 00:17:17,537 --> 00:17:18,663 [chuckles] 415 00:17:18,747 --> 00:17:24,169 …I would like to apologize for engaging in dumbassery of the highest order. 416 00:17:24,252 --> 00:17:25,587 Ooph, I farted that one. 417 00:17:25,670 --> 00:17:28,507 Jessi, I think it's time to do oral. 418 00:17:28,590 --> 00:17:30,509 Oh, that apology was weak! 419 00:17:30,592 --> 00:17:32,844 Missy, tell this redheaded potato to fuck off. 420 00:17:32,928 --> 00:17:34,888 You were supposed to be my friend. 421 00:17:34,971 --> 00:17:37,974 -And you completely bulldozed me. Twice. -Mm-hmm! 422 00:17:38,058 --> 00:17:40,268 -I know. I did do that. -[gentle music plays] 423 00:17:40,352 --> 00:17:43,814 It was shitty, and I feel like such an asshole, 424 00:17:43,897 --> 00:17:46,149 and I really am so sorry. 425 00:17:46,233 --> 00:17:47,567 And I miss you. 426 00:17:47,651 --> 00:17:48,819 Boo, you whore! 427 00:17:48,902 --> 00:17:50,654 Yeah. I kinda miss you too. 428 00:17:50,737 --> 00:17:51,947 What are you doing? 429 00:17:52,030 --> 00:17:55,617 This asshole admitted she's an asshole. Why are you giving her an out? 430 00:17:55,700 --> 00:17:57,035 Because she's eating shit, 431 00:17:57,119 --> 00:17:59,538 and it's not often you see an asshole eating shit. 432 00:17:59,621 --> 00:18:00,997 Usually it's quite the opposite. 433 00:18:01,081 --> 00:18:03,166 Maybe I'll see you at the party tonight? 434 00:18:03,250 --> 00:18:04,417 Yeah, maybe. 435 00:18:04,501 --> 00:18:06,753 Great. Um, bye, Missy. 436 00:18:06,837 --> 00:18:07,712 Bye, Jessi. 437 00:18:09,548 --> 00:18:12,759 What the hell was that? "Bye, Jessi. Maybe I'll go to the party." 438 00:18:12,843 --> 00:18:15,053 I don't want to be hateful anymore, Rochelle. 439 00:18:15,137 --> 00:18:16,388 I'm a loving person! 440 00:18:16,471 --> 00:18:19,057 -You're a fucking dork! -Yeah, I'm a dork. 441 00:18:19,141 --> 00:18:21,226 -And I love that about myself. -What? 442 00:18:21,309 --> 00:18:24,479 -I love my dorky mom, my dorky dad… -[wincing] Oh, shit! 443 00:18:24,563 --> 00:18:26,898 -…and his dorky radish bra. -Fuck all them! 444 00:18:26,982 --> 00:18:30,902 -And you know what? I love dorky carob! -No! 445 00:18:30,986 --> 00:18:31,820 -Yes! -Oh! 446 00:18:31,903 --> 00:18:33,864 -No! -It's delicious, caffeine-free, 447 00:18:33,947 --> 00:18:35,407 and packed with calcium! 448 00:18:35,490 --> 00:18:36,408 -Ahh! -[Mona] Amen! 449 00:18:36,491 --> 00:18:38,869 And heck, I love you, Mona! 450 00:18:38,952 --> 00:18:41,204 -I love you too, darling. -[grunts] 451 00:18:41,288 --> 00:18:43,790 You flimsy bitches are pathetic. 452 00:18:43,874 --> 00:18:45,417 Well, you're not. 453 00:18:45,500 --> 00:18:48,336 You've really helped me to stand up for myself, Rochelle. 454 00:18:48,420 --> 00:18:49,838 And darn it, I gotta say it. 455 00:18:49,921 --> 00:18:51,423 Don't you dare. 456 00:18:51,506 --> 00:18:52,632 -I love you too! -[screams] 457 00:18:52,716 --> 00:18:54,426 -[groaning, yelping] -[Missy] Ah! 458 00:18:54,509 --> 00:18:56,553 -[Mona] Oh, shit! -[Missy whimpers] 459 00:18:56,636 --> 00:18:57,721 [continues groaning] 460 00:18:58,805 --> 00:19:00,932 Oh, my God, Rochelle. Are you okay? 461 00:19:01,016 --> 00:19:03,476 I… am… fabulous! 462 00:19:03,560 --> 00:19:04,853 Just fabulous. 463 00:19:04,936 --> 00:19:06,771 Look at my cute-ass wings! 464 00:19:06,855 --> 00:19:08,523 I missed being a lovebug. 465 00:19:08,607 --> 00:19:10,942 Yeah, I missed being a lovebug too! 466 00:19:11,026 --> 00:19:12,611 You look amazing, by the way! 467 00:19:12,694 --> 00:19:14,404 Almost as good as your hair, girl. 468 00:19:14,487 --> 00:19:16,823 [gasps] You like it? I knew you were lying. 469 00:19:16,907 --> 00:19:20,535 I was, baby girl. I was just hangry. You know how that is. 470 00:19:20,619 --> 00:19:22,120 So let me get this straight. 471 00:19:22,204 --> 00:19:26,082 You're using me and this whole show to work through your own shit 472 00:19:26,166 --> 00:19:27,334 from when you were a kid? 473 00:19:27,417 --> 00:19:31,171 Well, mine and all the other writers', but… but yeah, mostly mine. 474 00:19:31,254 --> 00:19:32,339 What the fuck? 475 00:19:32,422 --> 00:19:35,800 Where do you get the gall to create me just to torture me? 476 00:19:35,884 --> 00:19:37,344 Great use of the word "gall." 477 00:19:37,427 --> 00:19:39,679 No, you're the writer, you wrote that line. 478 00:19:39,763 --> 00:19:41,640 Y-you're just complimenting yourself. 479 00:19:41,723 --> 00:19:44,726 No, we're writing this together right now, you and me. 480 00:19:44,809 --> 00:19:46,895 Look, it's blank. What do you want to say next? 481 00:19:47,020 --> 00:19:49,105 I want to know what I'm doing up here. 482 00:19:49,189 --> 00:19:52,734 Well, you demanded to be up here because you're such a hateful little shit 483 00:19:52,817 --> 00:19:54,402 and you wanted somebody to blame. 484 00:19:54,486 --> 00:19:56,529 Honestly, you're making me look bad. 485 00:19:56,613 --> 00:19:57,948 You're making me look bad. 486 00:19:58,031 --> 00:19:59,824 We're making each other look bad. 487 00:19:59,908 --> 00:20:01,952 Okay, so what the hell are we supposed to do about it? 488 00:20:02,035 --> 00:20:05,830 Well, personally, I'm doing quite well, but maybe you could go fuck yourself. 489 00:20:05,914 --> 00:20:08,083 -What? -[chuckles] I'm kidding. I'm joking. 490 00:20:08,166 --> 00:20:11,670 This scene needs some jokes, but honestly, all joking aside, 491 00:20:11,753 --> 00:20:13,546 you are being a whiny little bitch. 492 00:20:13,630 --> 00:20:15,757 You know what? Fuck you, Nick Kroll. 493 00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:17,634 This is my life. 494 00:20:17,717 --> 00:20:19,886 I'm being screwed over at every turn… 495 00:20:19,970 --> 00:20:21,930 [stammers] …and everybody hates me. 496 00:20:22,013 --> 00:20:25,183 Yeah, because hate is what you are putting out there, man! 497 00:20:25,267 --> 00:20:28,353 It's not my fault. Walter came in and-- 498 00:20:28,436 --> 00:20:29,312 No, no. 499 00:20:29,396 --> 00:20:33,108 No. I don't wanna hear about Walter, and I don't want to hear about Rick. 500 00:20:33,191 --> 00:20:34,567 [as Rick] Okay, man? 501 00:20:34,651 --> 00:20:37,320 [normal voice] We all have our own monsters, hormones, 502 00:20:37,404 --> 00:20:39,155 anxiety, depression, hate. 503 00:20:39,239 --> 00:20:41,449 It's all about how you deal with them. 504 00:20:41,533 --> 00:20:43,368 Your monsters are you. 505 00:20:43,451 --> 00:20:45,078 -What? -Yeah. 506 00:20:45,161 --> 00:20:46,454 It's all you, buddy. 507 00:20:46,538 --> 00:20:51,042 So all the shit I've been blaming Walter for is kind of my fault? 508 00:20:51,126 --> 00:20:52,085 Yeah, basically. 509 00:20:52,168 --> 00:20:54,963 You wanted to know who's in charge? Well, it's you. 510 00:20:55,046 --> 00:20:55,880 Fuck me. 511 00:20:55,964 --> 00:20:58,758 [chuckles] Yeah! That's why I said, "Go fuck yourself!" 512 00:20:58,842 --> 00:21:00,510 So, I'm all alone? 513 00:21:00,593 --> 00:21:04,306 [chuckles] No, you got your crazy family that loves you too much, 514 00:21:04,389 --> 00:21:07,350 you got all your horny little friends that jerk off all the time. 515 00:21:07,434 --> 00:21:10,979 Oh, speaking of, there's the horniest of your little pervy buddies now. 516 00:21:11,062 --> 00:21:14,482 -[Nick] Y-you mean Andrew? -Yeah. Oh, look, he's all sweaty. 517 00:21:14,566 --> 00:21:17,277 I think he's been looking for you, or jerking off, or both. 518 00:21:17,360 --> 00:21:19,696 Wow. He really is a good friend, isn't he? 519 00:21:19,779 --> 00:21:21,323 Yeah, he really is. 520 00:21:22,073 --> 00:21:24,200 So it's just about the end of the scene. 521 00:21:24,284 --> 00:21:26,870 Is there anything else you'd like to ask your future self? 522 00:21:26,953 --> 00:21:28,330 Yeah. Does, um… 523 00:21:28,413 --> 00:21:30,749 Does my, uh, my dick get bigger? 524 00:21:30,832 --> 00:21:33,209 Uh, yeah. Yeah, it--it gets bigger. 525 00:21:33,293 --> 00:21:35,754 Does it get, like, like, big? 526 00:21:35,837 --> 00:21:37,088 It--it gets bigger. 527 00:21:37,172 --> 00:21:38,882 Oh. Oh, okay. 528 00:21:39,591 --> 00:21:40,425 Yeah. 529 00:21:41,176 --> 00:21:42,010 Hey, Andrew. 530 00:21:42,093 --> 00:21:43,636 Oh, Nick, I found you! 531 00:21:43,720 --> 00:21:47,098 I can't believe you came for me, even though I've been such an asshole. 532 00:21:47,182 --> 00:21:49,184 Listen, I know how tempting it is to hate, 533 00:21:49,267 --> 00:21:51,019 but I'm choosing love, honey. 534 00:21:51,102 --> 00:21:52,354 Because I love you, Nick. 535 00:21:52,437 --> 00:21:53,772 I love you too, buddy. 536 00:21:53,855 --> 00:21:56,566 -[whooshing] -Oh! That melts my heart. 537 00:21:56,649 --> 00:21:57,484 [Nick] Walter! 538 00:21:57,567 --> 00:22:00,320 Hello, my big-headed angel baby. 539 00:22:00,403 --> 00:22:01,237 You're back. 540 00:22:01,321 --> 00:22:03,990 Sweetheart, I never left. 541 00:22:04,074 --> 00:22:06,034 Well, but you were a hate worm. 542 00:22:06,117 --> 00:22:08,036 And I loved being a hate worm, 543 00:22:08,119 --> 00:22:11,247 but I hated not being a lovebug. 544 00:22:11,331 --> 00:22:14,250 Wow, they're really "going through changes," huh, Maury? 545 00:22:14,334 --> 00:22:16,461 Yeah, yeah, yeah, the song. LOL. 546 00:22:16,544 --> 00:22:18,630 Listen, can I write my own jokes again? 547 00:22:18,713 --> 00:22:20,298 No, I--I don't like saying 'em. 548 00:22:20,382 --> 00:22:22,717 -Hold on. You voice me? -Yeah. 549 00:22:22,801 --> 00:22:25,762 Oh, bummer! I thought I was Will Arnett. 550 00:22:25,845 --> 00:22:27,555 Yeah, a lot of people think that. 551 00:22:27,639 --> 00:22:32,435 -Wow, that's, uh… That's disappointing. -Well, maybe people think that I'm Bojack. 552 00:22:32,519 --> 00:22:34,020 No, nobody thinks that. 553 00:22:34,104 --> 00:22:35,105 Yeah, I know. 554 00:22:35,188 --> 00:22:38,441 -[music playing over stereo] -All right! I'm DJ Pendejo, 555 00:22:38,525 --> 00:22:42,445 and this is Devin and Devon's Re-New Year's Rockin' New Year's Eve! 556 00:22:42,529 --> 00:22:43,988 -[DJ air horn plays] -And now, 557 00:22:44,072 --> 00:22:46,991 to re-New Year their vows, your hosts, 558 00:22:47,075 --> 00:22:51,371 Ryan Seahorse and Seahorse Ronan! 559 00:22:51,454 --> 00:22:55,083 Devin, I vow to look at the ground when other girls are nearby. 560 00:22:55,166 --> 00:22:56,084 Even my mommy. 561 00:22:56,167 --> 00:22:59,671 Devon, I vow to be your loving wife 562 00:22:59,754 --> 00:23:01,172 until high school starts. 563 00:23:01,256 --> 00:23:04,092 -[all cheering] -Okay, make sure you find someone 564 00:23:04,175 --> 00:23:08,054 to do kissies with at midnight, or you'll turn into a pumpkin, 565 00:23:08,138 --> 00:23:11,433 and I should know because I'm a pumpkin. 566 00:23:11,516 --> 00:23:12,350 [Jay sighs] 567 00:23:12,434 --> 00:23:14,936 I don't think I'll be kissing anyone tonight, Steve. 568 00:23:15,019 --> 00:23:17,689 I guess I'm just destined to ride this Earth alone 569 00:23:17,772 --> 00:23:20,942 in a car full of pants with no one in the passenger seat. 570 00:23:21,025 --> 00:23:24,529 I have seeds and orange spaghetti in my brain. 571 00:23:24,612 --> 00:23:27,323 Oh, all right! Music. That's a fun choice. 572 00:23:27,407 --> 00:23:30,201 Oh, God, there's Jessi. I think I should go talk to her. 573 00:23:30,285 --> 00:23:31,286 Yeah, you do that. 574 00:23:31,369 --> 00:23:34,914 I'm gonna hit the dance floor and jiggle this creamy bowl of chowder. 575 00:23:34,998 --> 00:23:36,291 [dance music playing] 576 00:23:36,374 --> 00:23:39,043 Wow. Andrew's butt is hypnotic. 577 00:23:39,127 --> 00:23:40,170 I can't look away. 578 00:23:40,253 --> 00:23:43,715 Yeah, it really is shockingly the story of the season. 579 00:23:43,798 --> 00:23:46,134 Uh, hey, guys. Happy New Year! 580 00:23:46,217 --> 00:23:48,094 Missy! You came! 581 00:23:48,178 --> 00:23:49,888 Are you here to kick my ass again? 582 00:23:49,971 --> 00:23:51,139 Lead with love, baby. 583 00:23:51,222 --> 00:23:54,809 No, I'm--I'm here to apologize for gossiping about you 584 00:23:54,893 --> 00:23:56,394 and for ripping out your retainer 585 00:23:56,478 --> 00:23:58,688 and dunking your favorite highlighter in the boys' toilet. 586 00:23:58,771 --> 00:24:00,064 -What? -I'm sorry, I'm sorry. 587 00:24:00,148 --> 00:24:02,108 This was before I actually got to beat your ass. 588 00:24:02,192 --> 00:24:05,361 Okay, well, I guess it's a new year, 589 00:24:05,445 --> 00:24:07,197 so let's start fresh? 590 00:24:07,280 --> 00:24:09,574 [sighs] I'd like that very, very much. 591 00:24:09,657 --> 00:24:12,160 May I ask, is anyone else feeling the gravitational pull 592 00:24:12,243 --> 00:24:14,621 from Andrew's sweet ass to the dance floor right now? 593 00:24:14,704 --> 00:24:16,331 Yeah, let's do it! 594 00:24:16,414 --> 00:24:19,375 Hey, Jessi, can we, uh… Can we talk for a second? 595 00:24:19,459 --> 00:24:22,086 What does this little Bilbo Baggins bitch want? 596 00:24:22,170 --> 00:24:23,171 What's up, Nick? 597 00:24:23,254 --> 00:24:27,383 Um, I just wanted to say that-- that I've been a real asshole to you. 598 00:24:27,467 --> 00:24:28,343 Yeah, no shit. 599 00:24:28,426 --> 00:24:31,429 Just 'cause you didn't like me back doesn't mean I get to hate you. 600 00:24:31,513 --> 00:24:32,931 Yeah! Double no shit. 601 00:24:33,014 --> 00:24:35,517 And I'm sorry, 'cause it's my fault, 602 00:24:35,600 --> 00:24:36,851 and I totally fucked up. 603 00:24:36,935 --> 00:24:39,437 Oh! I bet you a woman wrote that line. 604 00:24:39,521 --> 00:24:42,065 Um, thanks. I appreciate that. 605 00:24:42,148 --> 00:24:43,191 Happy New Year, Jessi? 606 00:24:43,274 --> 00:24:44,359 Happy New Year, Nick. 607 00:24:44,442 --> 00:24:46,903 Kiss him. Then headbutt him. And then kiss him again. 608 00:24:46,986 --> 00:24:49,239 -What? -I know! I know I'm crazy. 609 00:24:49,322 --> 00:24:50,990 -It's New Year's Eve! -[grunts] 610 00:24:51,783 --> 00:24:52,617 Hey, guys. 611 00:24:52,700 --> 00:24:56,037 Listen up, Jay Bilzerian, you are my destiny. 612 00:24:56,120 --> 00:24:57,372 Lola, what are you doing? 613 00:24:57,455 --> 00:25:00,708 Jay, what I did to you was assuredly heinous. 614 00:25:00,792 --> 00:25:03,795 -And I feel grape remorse about it. -You do? 615 00:25:03,878 --> 00:25:06,047 I know we've had our rough patches, Jay, 616 00:25:06,130 --> 00:25:09,509 but I truly think we're perfect for each other. 617 00:25:09,592 --> 00:25:12,178 We're both passionate, deeply neglected, 618 00:25:12,262 --> 00:25:16,391 and we've redefined horniness for a generation… [chuckles, snorts] 619 00:25:16,474 --> 00:25:19,185 …insomuch we're meant to be together. 620 00:25:19,269 --> 00:25:22,230 Oh, my God. Am I actually gonna fight Lola for Jay? 621 00:25:22,313 --> 00:25:23,398 Is that who I am now? 622 00:25:23,481 --> 00:25:26,067 It's who you've always been, Matty Boom-Boom. 623 00:25:26,150 --> 00:25:29,612 Now go! Go fight for that uncut beef balloon. 624 00:25:29,696 --> 00:25:32,282 Fuck! Maybe you're right, Lola. 625 00:25:32,365 --> 00:25:33,825 I guess we do make sense. 626 00:25:33,908 --> 00:25:37,912 -Jayzerian RicFlairian Bilzerian! -[howls] Matthew? 627 00:25:37,996 --> 00:25:40,665 I know you said a wolf and a swan wouldn't work-- 628 00:25:40,748 --> 00:25:43,501 -'Cause one's a dog and the other's-- -A water chicken, yes. 629 00:25:43,585 --> 00:25:45,503 But you make me happy, Jay. 630 00:25:45,587 --> 00:25:49,716 So I want a wolf, a hairy, crazy, uncut wolf. 631 00:25:49,799 --> 00:25:53,052 What in the wide world of shorts is happening right now? 632 00:25:53,136 --> 00:25:55,847 I like him, Lola. What can I say? 633 00:25:55,930 --> 00:25:58,850 Well, too bad. You're a day late and a dick short. 634 00:25:58,933 --> 00:26:00,977 Jay and I just got back together. Right, Jay? 635 00:26:01,060 --> 00:26:01,936 Jay, is that true? 636 00:26:02,020 --> 00:26:05,273 Oh, fuck. Fuck! Hold on. Ah, shit! 637 00:26:05,356 --> 00:26:06,733 -Well, Jay? -Who's it gonna be? 638 00:26:06,816 --> 00:26:10,111 -Yeah, who's it gonna be? -[sighs] Matthew, I'm sorry. 639 00:26:10,194 --> 00:26:12,572 -But I'm choosing you. -What? 640 00:26:12,655 --> 00:26:17,869 And Lola, you're the one that I'm not choosing, 641 00:26:17,952 --> 00:26:19,662 because Matthew's my choice. 642 00:26:19,746 --> 00:26:21,581 -Oh! -What the fuck, Jay? 643 00:26:21,664 --> 00:26:22,790 I'm sorry, Lola. 644 00:26:22,874 --> 00:26:25,376 -But I've seen what two wolves can do. -[gentle music plays] 645 00:26:25,460 --> 00:26:27,170 They tear each other apart, 646 00:26:27,253 --> 00:26:29,756 but Matthew makes me feel good. 647 00:26:29,839 --> 00:26:33,509 Maybe it's time I get my sock wet with a water chicken. 648 00:26:33,593 --> 00:26:35,303 I can't believe you, Jay. 649 00:26:35,386 --> 00:26:37,555 I hope you have a crappy New Year. 650 00:26:37,639 --> 00:26:38,806 [punches, grunts, sobs] 651 00:26:38,890 --> 00:26:41,059 All right, folks, we're ten seconds away 652 00:26:41,142 --> 00:26:42,852 -from Rosh Hashanah! -[kids counting down] 653 00:26:42,935 --> 00:26:44,812 Quick consent to kiss you in front of everyone? 654 00:26:44,896 --> 00:26:46,481 -Happy wolf! -[kids] Five, four… 655 00:26:46,564 --> 00:26:48,733 -♪ Happy swan! ♪ -…three, two, one. [cheers] 656 00:26:48,816 --> 00:26:50,943 -[Missy] Happy New Year! -Happy ass! 657 00:26:51,027 --> 00:26:52,987 Ooh, nice ass, Maurice. 658 00:26:53,071 --> 00:26:54,322 If you stick your hand in there, 659 00:26:54,405 --> 00:26:56,199 it'll look like you're breaking up a fight. 660 00:26:56,282 --> 00:26:58,868 -What if I stick my foot in? -[laughs] 661 00:26:58,951 --> 00:27:00,244 [both grunting] 662 00:27:00,328 --> 00:27:04,332 We really put these children through the wringer this year, didn't we? 663 00:27:04,415 --> 00:27:06,000 We sure as hell did. 664 00:27:06,084 --> 00:27:08,795 No, no, no, no, no. They did it to themselves. 665 00:27:08,878 --> 00:27:11,839 That's what we learned this season. We are them. 666 00:27:11,923 --> 00:27:14,300 We're them? Wait. Fuck that. I'm me. 667 00:27:14,384 --> 00:27:16,427 Well, apparently I'm Nick Kroll. 668 00:27:16,511 --> 00:27:18,554 Hold up! I thought you was Will Arnett. 669 00:27:18,638 --> 00:27:20,890 Do you still want to bury your foot in my ass? 670 00:27:20,973 --> 00:27:22,308 Oh, Maury. 671 00:27:22,392 --> 00:27:25,478 -I want to put my whole head up there. -Wait, what? 672 00:27:25,561 --> 00:27:27,188 -[splat] -Ooh! 673 00:27:27,271 --> 00:27:28,398 Yeah! [grunts] 674 00:27:28,481 --> 00:27:30,858 -Agh… -Happy New Year, everybody! 675 00:27:30,942 --> 00:27:34,070 -["Devil Inside" by INXS plays] -♪ Devil inside, the devil inside ♪ 676 00:27:34,153 --> 00:27:37,323 ♪ Every single one of us The devil inside ♪ 677 00:27:37,407 --> 00:27:40,535 ♪ The devil inside Devil inside ♪ 678 00:27:40,618 --> 00:27:43,663 ♪ Every single one of us The devil inside ♪ 679 00:27:43,746 --> 00:27:45,248 ♪ Devil inside ♪ 680 00:27:45,331 --> 00:27:46,874 ♪ Devil inside ♪ 681 00:27:46,958 --> 00:27:50,169 ♪ Every single one of us The devil inside ♪ 682 00:27:50,253 --> 00:27:51,629 ♪ Here come the world ♪ 683 00:27:52,296 --> 00:27:54,132 ♪ With the look in its eye ♪ 684 00:27:56,467 --> 00:28:00,680 ♪ Future uncertain but certainly slight ♪ 685 00:28:02,724 --> 00:28:05,893 ♪ We look at the faces Listen to the bells ♪ 686 00:28:05,977 --> 00:28:09,230 ♪ It's hard to believe We need a place called hell ♪ 687 00:28:11,566 --> 00:28:13,151 ♪ A place called hell ♪ 688 00:28:15,445 --> 00:28:16,863 ♪ The devil inside ♪ 689 00:28:16,946 --> 00:28:18,281 ♪ The devil inside… ♪ 690 00:28:18,364 --> 00:28:19,407 [song fades]