1
00:00:08,760 --> 00:00:11,137
-[birds chirping]
-[Nick] Ugh, Christmas sucked!

2
00:00:11,220 --> 00:00:13,389
You got the worst presents!

3
00:00:13,473 --> 00:00:15,808
[Diane] Nicky,
I don't hear you packing in there.

4
00:00:15,892 --> 00:00:18,811
And now I have to go
on this garbage-ass ski vacation

5
00:00:18,895 --> 00:00:22,190
at a garbage-ass luxury resort
with my garbage-ass family.

6
00:00:22,273 --> 00:00:26,194
And don't forget,
Andrew's garbage ass is coming too.

7
00:00:26,277 --> 00:00:29,447
Also, I'm excited
to go on a big fancy airplane

8
00:00:29,530 --> 00:00:31,574
and touch all the buttons
around your seat.

9
00:00:31,657 --> 00:00:33,117
Am I doing hate right?

10
00:00:33,201 --> 00:00:34,035
[both] No!

11
00:00:34,118 --> 00:00:35,745
Okay, I love you guys.

12
00:00:35,828 --> 00:00:38,998
Ooh, Leah, I can't believe
you're gonna finally fuck Val!

13
00:00:39,082 --> 00:00:41,417
Yeah, I'm just going to do it.
Right, Bonnie?

14
00:00:41,501 --> 00:00:44,003
I mean, everyone knows
the first time sucks anyway.

15
00:00:44,087 --> 00:00:44,921
Well, hold on.

16
00:00:45,004 --> 00:00:49,175
Like my sister Connie says,
sex is supposed to be savored,

17
00:00:49,258 --> 00:00:51,302
like a precious little ravioli.

18
00:00:51,385 --> 00:00:53,096
What? I didn't know you had a sister.

19
00:00:53,179 --> 00:00:56,015
Oh, yeah, me and Connie are Gemini twins.

20
00:00:56,099 --> 00:00:57,558
We came out sixty-nining.

21
00:00:57,642 --> 00:00:59,185
Okay.

22
00:00:59,268 --> 00:01:03,439
Your pussy-eating sister aside,
it's probably not gonna be good, right?

23
00:01:03,523 --> 00:01:04,482
I don't know.

24
00:01:04,565 --> 00:01:08,694
Val did promise your little brother
he's gonna boink you till you happy cry.

25
00:01:08,778 --> 00:01:10,571
-Huh.
-And I want that for you.

26
00:01:10,655 --> 00:01:11,614
Okay, yeah.

27
00:01:11,697 --> 00:01:13,491
Maybe it will be good. All right.

28
00:01:13,574 --> 00:01:16,327
I'm gonna lose my virginity
to Val Bilzerian.

29
00:01:16,410 --> 00:01:17,995
No, no, no!

30
00:01:18,079 --> 00:01:20,915
You're gonna win your virginity
to Val Bilzerian.

31
00:01:20,998 --> 00:01:23,376
Oh, shit, we talking about virginity?

32
00:01:23,459 --> 00:01:25,336
Giving, taking or returning?

33
00:01:25,419 --> 00:01:28,422
Connie LaCienega,
what the heck are you doing here?

34
00:01:28,506 --> 00:01:31,884
Well, Bonnie LaCienega,
I wanted to give you a heads-up

35
00:01:31,968 --> 00:01:34,345
that Maury's also going on the trip.

36
00:01:34,428 --> 00:01:38,933
Do you think you two can be civil
with each other for once? For me?

37
00:01:39,016 --> 00:01:40,810
Your sixty-nining twin sister?

38
00:01:40,893 --> 00:01:43,604
Connie, the dude is a deadbeat!

39
00:01:43,688 --> 00:01:45,606
You'd fuck him if you got to know him.

40
00:01:45,690 --> 00:01:48,568
Okay. Did he or did he not
use your credit card

41
00:01:48,651 --> 00:01:52,071
to buy a $100,000
baby Beanie Feldstein Beanie Baby?

42
00:01:52,155 --> 00:01:55,324
That baby Beanie Beanie Baby
was an investment, baby.

43
00:01:55,408 --> 00:01:59,162
Baby, between you and me, he shouldn't
have bought that baby Beanie Beanie Baby.

44
00:01:59,245 --> 00:02:01,956
Well, this is not
the Jonah Hill I will die on.

45
00:02:02,039 --> 00:02:03,499
Have a good trip!

46
00:02:03,583 --> 00:02:05,793
["Changes" by Charles Bradley plays]

47
00:02:05,877 --> 00:02:11,257
♪ I'm going through changes ♪

48
00:02:15,428 --> 00:02:20,892
♪ I'm going through changes ♪

49
00:02:21,684 --> 00:02:23,686
♪ Oh, in my life ♪

50
00:02:25,188 --> 00:02:28,316
♪ Oh! Ooh! Ooh! ♪

51
00:02:37,450 --> 00:02:40,286
[slurps] Mmm! Mott's spicy tomato juice.

52
00:02:40,369 --> 00:02:42,455
And look, Madagascar 4!

53
00:02:42,538 --> 00:02:43,581
-[groans]
-[sighs]

54
00:02:43,664 --> 00:02:45,833
This is the Birch life, Nicky baby.

55
00:02:45,917 --> 00:02:48,878
Ugh! His feet smell like salad dressing.

56
00:02:48,961 --> 00:02:50,922
Leah, did you remember
to bring your skates?

57
00:02:51,005 --> 00:02:51,881
Yes, Mom.

58
00:02:51,964 --> 00:02:54,091
Val, you have to see Leah ice skate.

59
00:02:54,175 --> 00:02:57,845
She's been obsessed with it ever since
I took her to see Broad City on Ice.

60
00:02:57,929 --> 00:03:00,223
Mmm, I would love to see Leah on ice.

61
00:03:00,306 --> 00:03:03,142
Oh, yeah?
You want to go ice skating with me?

62
00:03:03,226 --> 00:03:05,561
I want to whack your knees with a pipe.

63
00:03:05,645 --> 00:03:08,898
Ooh! Let's go join the mile high club!

64
00:03:08,981 --> 00:03:11,734
I'm not losing my virginity
in an airplane bathroom.

65
00:03:11,817 --> 00:03:14,278
Besides, Andrew's already
been in there twice,

66
00:03:14,362 --> 00:03:15,863
and he had all that tomato juice.

67
00:03:15,947 --> 00:03:18,908
What, you don't like to fuck
in small places that smell like shit?

68
00:03:18,991 --> 00:03:22,828
Maury, your gross, marinara-guzzlin'
kid is ruining this trip.

69
00:03:22,912 --> 00:03:25,539
What do you got against tomato juice?
It's delicious.

70
00:03:25,623 --> 00:03:27,458
It tastes like a vegetable's period.

71
00:03:27,541 --> 00:03:28,876
I don't know, Elliot.

72
00:03:28,960 --> 00:03:32,171
It seems early for Leah
to be bringing a boyfriend on a trip.

73
00:03:32,255 --> 00:03:34,090
What if they have sex this weekend?

74
00:03:34,173 --> 00:03:35,758
Diane Keaton Birch.

75
00:03:35,841 --> 00:03:39,762
When we became parents, we took a test,
and that test came back sex-positive.

76
00:03:39,845 --> 00:03:41,806
[sighs] I just don't know if I'm ready.

77
00:03:41,889 --> 00:03:43,849
-If Leah's ready, we're ready.
-Ugh.

78
00:03:43,933 --> 00:03:48,312
And I for one can't wait
to break my daddy hymen. Boop.

79
00:03:48,396 --> 00:03:49,272
[knocks]

80
00:03:49,355 --> 00:03:52,858
-[door chime jingles]
-"Hello! My name is Lola Skumpy.

81
00:03:52,942 --> 00:03:54,944
I'm legally obligated to inform you

82
00:03:55,027 --> 00:03:59,240
that I am a registered 'sex offender'
for doing revenge porn."

83
00:03:59,323 --> 00:04:01,242
But, like, in a totally hilarious way

84
00:04:01,325 --> 00:04:03,828
that has most of the people
at home rooting for me.

85
00:04:03,911 --> 00:04:07,039
I'm, like, L-O-Ling for real. L-O-L Lola.
[chuckles, snorts]

86
00:04:07,123 --> 00:04:08,332
Psst! Hey, kid, over here.

87
00:04:08,416 --> 00:04:10,918
Okay, look, man,
I'm banned from that magic store,

88
00:04:11,002 --> 00:04:14,755
so just go in there and buy me
a--a couple of linking rings, maybe?

89
00:04:14,839 --> 00:04:16,882
Limerick,
don't talk to that creepy magician.

90
00:04:16,966 --> 00:04:18,676
Well, joke's on you, lady.

91
00:04:18,759 --> 00:04:20,928
[crying] 'Cause I'm not
a magician anymore.

92
00:04:21,012 --> 00:04:22,930
I broke the sacred code!

93
00:04:23,014 --> 00:04:25,725
Well, well, well,
look at what the cat shit out.

94
00:04:25,808 --> 00:04:28,102
I bet you want to, like,
throttle me right now.

95
00:04:28,185 --> 00:04:32,106
No, Lola. I don't want to do
anything to you anymore.

96
00:04:32,189 --> 00:04:37,737
I'm just a loose, empty foreskin
with, ta-da, no coin inside. You win.

97
00:04:37,820 --> 00:04:40,156
Alas, like the war on drugs,

98
00:04:40,239 --> 00:04:44,618
I might have won, but, like, at what cost?

99
00:04:44,702 --> 00:04:46,620
[crickets chirping]

100
00:04:46,704 --> 00:04:50,166
You guys, holy shit!
There's a phone in the bathroom.

101
00:04:50,249 --> 00:04:52,168
Ooh, let's use it to call for movie times.

102
00:04:52,251 --> 00:04:55,713
-Well, see you later, everybody.
-Whoa, whoa. Where are you two going?

103
00:04:55,796 --> 00:04:58,758
-Uh, to our room?
-I thought Val was sleeping with Judd.

104
00:04:58,841 --> 00:05:01,344
I'm sleeping in the woods. Peace, losers.

105
00:05:01,427 --> 00:05:02,553
[rope rasping]

106
00:05:02,636 --> 00:05:06,015
There's only three rooms,
and Dad said Val and I could have our own.

107
00:05:06,098 --> 00:05:07,808
Without consulting me?

108
00:05:07,892 --> 00:05:10,019
I thought I speak for you
and you speak for me.

109
00:05:10,102 --> 00:05:11,354
Well, who said that?

110
00:05:11,437 --> 00:05:14,899
Well, I did, but I was speaking for you,
so it was kind of like you said it to me.

111
00:05:14,982 --> 00:05:16,609
Okay. I'm going to take a bath.

112
00:05:16,692 --> 00:05:20,029
And Elliot?
I will sprinkle my own rose petals on top.

113
00:05:20,112 --> 00:05:20,988
Oh, no.

114
00:05:21,072 --> 00:05:22,239
So how do you wanna do this?

115
00:05:22,323 --> 00:05:25,951
Connie and I usually just sleep in a pile
with our thumb up each other's asses.

116
00:05:26,035 --> 00:05:28,954
Well, I hold myself
to a higher standard than Connie.

117
00:05:29,038 --> 00:05:33,167
For example, she refers to herself
as a hormone "monstress,"

118
00:05:33,250 --> 00:05:35,753
whereas I prefer hormone "monster,"

119
00:05:35,836 --> 00:05:38,297
You don't call
a female doctor a "doctress."

120
00:05:38,381 --> 00:05:40,216
Oh, I most certainly do.

121
00:05:40,299 --> 00:05:42,385
But I don't call my dentist a "dentress."

122
00:05:42,468 --> 00:05:43,886
I call her my tooth barber.

123
00:05:43,969 --> 00:05:46,013
What do you call your dental hygienist?

124
00:05:46,097 --> 00:05:47,515
Tooth barber's little helper.

125
00:05:48,182 --> 00:05:49,016
[grunts]

126
00:05:49,100 --> 00:05:52,895
Looks like I won't be needing
my instruments of magic anymore.

127
00:05:52,978 --> 00:05:57,233
-Abraca-dumpster. [sighs]
-[gruff voice] Hey, kid, I like tricks.

128
00:05:57,316 --> 00:05:59,235
I'll let you dazzle me.

129
00:05:59,318 --> 00:06:02,488
Really? Even though
I'm a disbarred magician?

130
00:06:02,571 --> 00:06:05,533
Yeah, yeah, but first,
you gotta do something for me.

131
00:06:05,616 --> 00:06:09,829
I want you to sit on me with no pants,
like one of my college students.

132
00:06:09,912 --> 00:06:15,084
[hesitantly] Okay,
so if I rub my balls all over your face,

133
00:06:15,167 --> 00:06:16,752
then you'll pick a card for me?

134
00:06:16,836 --> 00:06:19,296
Sure, but my bed bugs get to watch.

135
00:06:19,380 --> 00:06:23,300
Yeah, fuck our futon like
we're a couple of cuck-roaches. [laughs]

136
00:06:23,384 --> 00:06:25,469
[Maury] So the recipe
calls for Monterey Jack,

137
00:06:25,553 --> 00:06:27,471
but you can do it
with any shredded cheese.

138
00:06:27,555 --> 00:06:29,890
And you said you're putting
all of this in a pair of panties?

139
00:06:29,974 --> 00:06:32,560
Yeah, it's a panties burrito.
It's an easy weeknight meal.

140
00:06:32,643 --> 00:06:35,646
Oh, my God, Jay!
What the fuck are you doing?

141
00:06:35,729 --> 00:06:38,649
[grunts] I'm getting ready
to dazzle this filthy futon.

142
00:06:38,732 --> 00:06:40,818
This is great. Jay has hit rock bottom.

143
00:06:40,901 --> 00:06:42,903
Perfect time for you to rock his bottom.

144
00:06:42,987 --> 00:06:46,240
Do I look like a Republican congressman
in an airport bathroom?

145
00:06:46,323 --> 00:06:48,576
I'm not taking advantage of him,
it's too sad.

146
00:06:48,659 --> 00:06:51,162
-Aw.
-I think I actually wanna help him?

147
00:06:51,245 --> 00:06:52,955
Whoa, kinky!

148
00:06:53,038 --> 00:06:55,291
Jay, put on your pants.
We're getting you cleaned up.

149
00:06:55,374 --> 00:06:59,128
No offense, Matthew, but I'm not
worthy of a gay makeover montage.

150
00:06:59,211 --> 00:07:03,674
No offense taken, Jay, because I'm just
gonna hose you down in my driveway.

151
00:07:03,757 --> 00:07:05,885
-[air hissing]
-Do my parents not even care

152
00:07:05,968 --> 00:07:08,345
that Val's gonna
try to screw Leah tonight?

153
00:07:08,429 --> 00:07:11,098
Bad guys like him
get away with everything!

154
00:07:11,182 --> 00:07:13,976
And meanwhile,
you're stuck here with Dork Vader.

155
00:07:14,059 --> 00:07:16,270
Hey, Andrew,
can you turn that stupid thing off?

156
00:07:16,353 --> 00:07:17,438
I definitely cannot.

157
00:07:17,521 --> 00:07:19,648
You see,
without my pediatric CPAP machine,

158
00:07:19,732 --> 00:07:21,692
I'll choke myself to the edge of death.

159
00:07:21,775 --> 00:07:23,986
-But not in the way that he likes!
-[groans]

160
00:07:24,069 --> 00:07:26,530
So, shall we make-a da love?

161
00:07:26,614 --> 00:07:29,492
Why would you tell Leah
she and Val could have their own room?

162
00:07:29,575 --> 00:07:32,786
Leah asked, and I could never
say no to one of my kids,

163
00:07:32,870 --> 00:07:35,748
unless they asked me
if I could possibly love them more.

164
00:07:35,831 --> 00:07:37,625
-Ugh.
-And now for the love.

165
00:07:37,708 --> 00:07:40,085
I'm not "makin' da love," Elliot!

166
00:07:40,169 --> 00:07:41,962
I'm angry and I'm going to bed.

167
00:07:42,046 --> 00:07:45,466
No! If you go to bed angry,
I won't be able to sleep,

168
00:07:45,549 --> 00:07:48,844
and then I won't have the energy
to cherish you tomorrow.

169
00:07:48,928 --> 00:07:49,762
[groans] Oh…

170
00:07:49,845 --> 00:07:50,930
[Leah moaning softly]

171
00:07:51,013 --> 00:07:54,767
Well, he's been digging his dick
into your hip for about 30 minutes,

172
00:07:54,850 --> 00:07:56,602
so I think he's ready if you are.

173
00:07:56,685 --> 00:08:00,397
Hey, it seems like
it might be time to go "ice skating."

174
00:08:00,481 --> 00:08:03,108
Sure, but I'd rather have sex.

175
00:08:03,192 --> 00:08:04,193
Yeah, sex.

176
00:08:04,276 --> 00:08:05,986
[chuckles] I mean sex, Val.

177
00:08:06,070 --> 00:08:08,989
Yeah, I know,
let me just put on my "ice knives".

178
00:08:09,073 --> 00:08:10,241
I--I mean, condom.

179
00:08:10,324 --> 00:08:12,618
The brand is Ice Knives.
They're the biggest.

180
00:08:13,077 --> 00:08:15,204
-Okay, here we go.
-[classical music plays]

181
00:08:15,287 --> 00:08:17,873
[in Russian accent] That's right,
my little vodka potato.

182
00:08:17,957 --> 00:08:20,459
-Let's chicken his Kiev.
-Whoa…

183
00:08:20,543 --> 00:08:22,586
Yeah. Okay, I can do this.

184
00:08:22,670 --> 00:08:27,049
-[rock music plays]
-Ladies and gentlemen, let's fuck Leah!

185
00:08:27,132 --> 00:08:27,967
Whoa!

186
00:08:28,050 --> 00:08:29,218
-Now, where do I--
-Not there.

187
00:08:29,301 --> 00:08:31,679
-There, is that it?
-Nope, excuse me, that's private.

188
00:08:31,762 --> 00:08:34,014
-Okay, that hurts a little…
-¿Dónde está la biblioteca?

189
00:08:34,098 --> 00:08:35,224
Oh! You're in.

190
00:08:35,307 --> 00:08:37,268
We should start with simple move.

191
00:08:37,351 --> 00:08:40,062
Make trip around rink, wave to judges.

192
00:08:40,980 --> 00:08:42,982
-[grunts] Careful!
-Yeah! You like that?

193
00:08:43,065 --> 00:08:45,943
Um, yeah, it's okay.

194
00:08:46,026 --> 00:08:48,779
We try new position. Go for the lift!

195
00:08:48,862 --> 00:08:50,948
-I'm about to have a miracle on ice!
-Ah!

196
00:08:51,031 --> 00:08:54,910
[sighs] Wow, that was amazing.
Right, babe?

197
00:08:54,994 --> 00:08:58,163
[hesitantly] Yeah, totally amazing, babe.

198
00:08:58,247 --> 00:09:00,833
Liar! That was not amazing.

199
00:09:00,916 --> 00:09:03,711
It was pokey and fast and chaos.

200
00:09:03,794 --> 00:09:04,628
I know!

201
00:09:04,712 --> 00:09:08,966
He promised you a happy cry,
but left you feeling crappy and dry.

202
00:09:09,049 --> 00:09:11,885
I'm gonna go check movie times
in the bathroom.

203
00:09:11,969 --> 00:09:15,055
Thanks for letting Jay stay here
while he gets over his girlfriend.

204
00:09:15,139 --> 00:09:16,307
Oh, that poor baby.

205
00:09:16,390 --> 00:09:19,393
I heard that Skumpy girl
absolutely annihilated him.

206
00:09:19,476 --> 00:09:20,853
Who did you hear that from?

207
00:09:20,936 --> 00:09:23,772
Her! She's going door-to-door
telling everybody.

208
00:09:23,856 --> 00:09:26,317
It's all anyone my age group
is talking about.

209
00:09:26,400 --> 00:09:29,069
I-- Oh, and there he is now!

210
00:09:29,153 --> 00:09:32,865
[chuckles] Look at you. You look like
a chipmunk going to a job interview.

211
00:09:32,948 --> 00:09:34,867
[sighs] Thanks, Mr. Matthew.

212
00:09:34,950 --> 00:09:37,661
So, Jay, my son tells me you do magic.

213
00:09:37,745 --> 00:09:39,788
Why don't you do a trick for us, Jay?

214
00:09:39,872 --> 00:09:41,832
Oh, I wish I could, Mrs. Matthew,

215
00:09:41,915 --> 00:09:45,711
but I'm nothing now,
and I'm just waiting to die. Ta-da!

216
00:09:45,794 --> 00:09:47,630
Oh, Maury, this is not hot.

217
00:09:47,713 --> 00:09:51,342
Yeah, and he's all cleaned up
like some Matthew-ass bitch.

218
00:09:51,425 --> 00:09:53,093
No offense, buddy, it works for you.

219
00:09:53,177 --> 00:09:54,011
Oh, no, I get it.

220
00:09:55,596 --> 00:09:57,139
Elliot, I'm gonna ride with Leah

221
00:09:57,222 --> 00:09:59,725
because I could use
a little space from you right now.

222
00:09:59,808 --> 00:10:00,643
[sighs]

223
00:10:00,726 --> 00:10:02,186
Val, you're dating Diane's daughter,

224
00:10:02,269 --> 00:10:04,229
do you think you could
put in a good word for me?

225
00:10:04,313 --> 00:10:08,567
Okay, these seats are moving pretty fast.
Should we ask someone to slow them down?

226
00:10:08,651 --> 00:10:10,569
Come on! Get on the fucking chair!

227
00:10:10,653 --> 00:10:13,530
Sir! If you rush me,
it will only take longer.

228
00:10:13,614 --> 00:10:15,407
-Andrew, just go!
-Ah!

229
00:10:15,491 --> 00:10:17,117
Why are you so mad at Dad?

230
00:10:17,201 --> 00:10:20,871
I just don't like that he gave
you and Val your own room, okay?

231
00:10:20,954 --> 00:10:23,749
Oh, my God! I knew all that stuff
about how you'd rather

232
00:10:23,832 --> 00:10:26,752
I "do it under your roof"
was total bullshit!

233
00:10:26,835 --> 00:10:29,171
It wasn't, and I would, I--I think.

234
00:10:29,254 --> 00:10:30,339
I don't know.

235
00:10:30,422 --> 00:10:32,800
And I'm having trouble
with it, okay, Leah?

236
00:10:32,883 --> 00:10:36,470
Kinda like how Val was having trouble
holding onto his yogurt!

237
00:10:36,553 --> 00:10:40,641
And if it makes you feel any better,
I feel bad about feeling bad about it.

238
00:10:40,724 --> 00:10:43,435
Well, if it makes you feel any better,
it totally sucked.

239
00:10:43,519 --> 00:10:45,229
And I don't even think
I want to do it again.

240
00:10:45,312 --> 00:10:48,691
No! That does not make me feel better,
that's awful!

241
00:10:48,774 --> 00:10:51,151
You're my daughter,
and if you're going to have sex,

242
00:10:51,235 --> 00:10:54,488
I want you to have
wonderful, satisfying sex.

243
00:10:54,571 --> 00:10:56,156
Ew! Mom! Don't say that!

244
00:10:56,240 --> 00:10:57,991
You guys are teenagers.

245
00:10:58,075 --> 00:10:59,159
You're just learning,

246
00:10:59,243 --> 00:11:02,871
and you need to be able
to tell your partner what arouses you.

247
00:11:02,955 --> 00:11:04,039
[gags] "Arouses"?

248
00:11:04,123 --> 00:11:07,459
Maybe you'll like nipple play,
or mutual masturbation.

249
00:11:07,543 --> 00:11:10,337
Or having your toes counted out loud!

250
00:11:10,421 --> 00:11:12,631
Mom, I beg you, please stop!

251
00:11:12,715 --> 00:11:14,883
Well, if you're not ready
to talk about sex,

252
00:11:14,967 --> 00:11:17,094
then maybe
you're not ready to be having it.

253
00:11:17,177 --> 00:11:19,513
Okay, well,
now you have to have sex again,

254
00:11:19,596 --> 00:11:21,306
just to prove your mom wrong!

255
00:11:21,390 --> 00:11:22,558
That's hot, right?

256
00:11:22,641 --> 00:11:26,019
Hey, Nick, let's take a selfie
and hashtag it "Dat Birch life."

257
00:11:26,103 --> 00:11:30,357
-More like, "Dat bitch life."
-Oh, no, my wallet! My white wallet!

258
00:11:30,441 --> 00:11:31,900
Nick, remember where it was.

259
00:11:31,984 --> 00:11:33,402
Oh, we're dropping things?

260
00:11:33,485 --> 00:11:36,155
Okay. Later, loser!

261
00:11:36,238 --> 00:11:38,657
[cries] Maybe I should
just jump and disappear

262
00:11:38,741 --> 00:11:40,659
into the snow like a white wallet.

263
00:11:40,743 --> 00:11:43,078
Why does your wife
being mad at you make you so sad?

264
00:11:43,162 --> 00:11:45,664
It's not like your ATV got stolen
or something.

265
00:11:45,748 --> 00:11:47,875
But my ATV was taken away,

266
00:11:47,958 --> 00:11:51,670
because for me,
ATV stands for "Adore The Vagina."

267
00:11:51,754 --> 00:11:54,590
Oh, yeah!
The vagina is kind of like a door.

268
00:11:54,673 --> 00:11:56,049
You can go in and you can go out.

269
00:11:56,133 --> 00:11:59,553
And the clitoris is the doorbell.
Ding-dong! I love you!

270
00:11:59,636 --> 00:12:01,346
The clitoris? I hear that's a myth.

271
00:12:01,430 --> 00:12:03,432
Oh, yes. I've seen
your father's law commercials,

272
00:12:03,515 --> 00:12:05,434
but it's very real and very important.

273
00:12:05,517 --> 00:12:07,478
Really? I had no idea.

274
00:12:07,561 --> 00:12:10,189
You don't know how
to ring my daughter's doorbell? Oh, Val.

275
00:12:10,272 --> 00:12:12,983
Sex should be
a mutually pleasurable activity.

276
00:12:13,066 --> 00:12:16,028
It was pleasurable.
I mean, I had fun. I think she did.

277
00:12:16,111 --> 00:12:17,780
I don't know if she did.

278
00:12:17,863 --> 00:12:20,657
I don't know if I had a good time.

279
00:12:20,741 --> 00:12:22,117
It--it was bad?

280
00:12:22,201 --> 00:12:25,954
Well, maybe you should try
listening to your lover, my daughter,

281
00:12:26,038 --> 00:12:28,123
and figure out how to ATV.

282
00:12:28,207 --> 00:12:31,752
Yeah. And I don't know,
maybe you should try listening to Diane.

283
00:12:31,835 --> 00:12:33,212
Val, you're a very sweet boy,

284
00:12:33,295 --> 00:12:36,215
but keep my wife's name
out of your fucking mouth.

285
00:12:36,298 --> 00:12:38,133
Okay, tips up. Here we are!

286
00:12:39,885 --> 00:12:42,387
Whoa, whoa.
Nicky, where do you think you're going?

287
00:12:42,471 --> 00:12:44,807
I'm doing the Organgrinder
with Val and Leah.

288
00:12:44,890 --> 00:12:49,394
-Uh, the Organgrinder is a black diamond!
-I don't think you're ready for that.

289
00:12:49,478 --> 00:12:51,021
-What?
-And what about Andrew?

290
00:12:51,104 --> 00:12:52,523
Can you ski a black diamond?

291
00:12:52,606 --> 00:12:55,275
I'm sorry.
I thought the chair thing was the ride.

292
00:12:55,359 --> 00:12:57,361
Full disclosure, I have never skied.

293
00:12:57,444 --> 00:12:59,947
Ooh, a black diamond
is the most advanced run.

294
00:13:00,030 --> 00:13:03,992
As long as there are no humps
and I can sit down, I should be okay.

295
00:13:04,076 --> 00:13:05,452
Nick, you stay with Andrew.

296
00:13:05,536 --> 00:13:08,080
-Make sure he gets down safely.
-Mom! Mom, please.

297
00:13:08,163 --> 00:13:11,041
-You guys should try the cuddly duckling.
-[giggles]

298
00:13:11,124 --> 00:13:12,042
Bye, Mrs. Birch!

299
00:13:12,125 --> 00:13:12,960
Jesus!

300
00:13:13,043 --> 00:13:15,045
-You tag along on my family ski trip…
-That's it!

301
00:13:15,128 --> 00:13:17,047
…you ride with us
to the top of a mountain…

302
00:13:17,130 --> 00:13:18,131
It's too much!

303
00:13:18,215 --> 00:13:19,925
And now you can't even ski?

304
00:13:20,008 --> 00:13:22,803
I can't anymore with this tube sock.
I can't!

305
00:13:22,886 --> 00:13:24,638
Fuck you, Andrew!

306
00:13:24,721 --> 00:13:27,057
Wow, dick move. Got to admire it.

307
00:13:27,140 --> 00:13:29,184
You know what, Maury? I can do this.

308
00:13:29,268 --> 00:13:31,103
Andrew, I gotta level with you, bud.

309
00:13:31,186 --> 00:13:32,271
You are out of shape.

310
00:13:32,354 --> 00:13:35,774
You struggle with stairs,
and you have a hard time pouring milk.

311
00:13:35,858 --> 00:13:37,484
You're going to kill yourself.

312
00:13:37,568 --> 00:13:40,988
You're right.
Andrew Glouberman would kill himself.

313
00:13:41,071 --> 00:13:44,533
But Andrew Birch
is gonna shralp this pow-pow.

314
00:13:44,616 --> 00:13:46,660
I'm on my butt. I'm on my butt.

315
00:13:46,743 --> 00:13:48,745
Oh, no! Here comes the tree.

316
00:13:48,829 --> 00:13:50,330
Still approaching.

317
00:13:50,414 --> 00:13:52,416
-Ow!
-Hey, are you okay?

318
00:13:52,499 --> 00:13:54,710
No. I shouldn't even be up here.

319
00:13:54,793 --> 00:13:57,921
Me neither. My mom was right.
I'm gonna break my neck…

320
00:13:58,005 --> 00:14:00,757
[both] Like a Kennedy
because their family was cursed.

321
00:14:00,841 --> 00:14:02,342
-That's what I was gonna say.
-Jinx!

322
00:14:02,426 --> 00:14:04,094
-[chuckles] Hi, I'm Bernadette.
-Hi!

323
00:14:04,177 --> 00:14:06,889
Bernadette Sanders.
But everyone just calls me Bernie.

324
00:14:06,972 --> 00:14:07,973
[chuckling] Wow!

325
00:14:08,056 --> 00:14:09,141
-I'm--
-Andrew?

326
00:14:09,224 --> 00:14:10,642
-Yeah!
-Cute picture, by the way.

327
00:14:10,726 --> 00:14:14,563
Oh, my God, you found my wallet
that's the same color as the snow!

328
00:14:14,646 --> 00:14:17,441
Yeah, I tripped on it,
and it got lodged in my crevasse.

329
00:14:17,524 --> 00:14:19,276
Smell it, smell the fucking wallet.

330
00:14:19,359 --> 00:14:22,279
I'm so grateful
that you were able to find it and…

331
00:14:22,362 --> 00:14:24,448
[sniffs] No, it still smells like my ass.

332
00:14:24,531 --> 00:14:25,866
Ask if she'll put it back up.

333
00:14:25,949 --> 00:14:28,994
Well, here's a thought
from the ol' idea factory.

334
00:14:29,077 --> 00:14:32,080
What if we go down the mountain
on our crevasses together?

335
00:14:32,164 --> 00:14:35,751
Bernie Sanders,
nothing would make me feel less alone.

336
00:14:35,834 --> 00:14:38,837
-[giggles] Oh!
-[giggles] Oh! I went over a pine cone!

337
00:14:39,588 --> 00:14:42,883
I can't believe they wouldn't let me
go down the Organgrinder.

338
00:14:42,966 --> 00:14:44,551
My rights are being trampled.

339
00:14:44,635 --> 00:14:46,470
And I didn't want to be
the one to tell you,

340
00:14:46,553 --> 00:14:48,931
but there are actual mountains out west.

341
00:14:49,014 --> 00:14:53,060
What you're skiing on here
is a hill of icy dog shit.

342
00:14:53,143 --> 00:14:55,354
[Bernie] Oh, have you
ever seen Nights in Rodanthe?

343
00:14:55,437 --> 00:14:57,564
-Well, of course.
-I'm a huge Richard Gere fan.

344
00:14:57,648 --> 00:15:01,360
Get out of here. You're a Gere head?
I'm a huge Diane Laniac.

345
00:15:01,443 --> 00:15:03,528
Well, sure. She's a piece of candy.

346
00:15:03,612 --> 00:15:05,489
What in the actual fuck?

347
00:15:05,572 --> 00:15:07,032
Nick! This is Bernie!

348
00:15:07,115 --> 00:15:09,910
Hi, Nick! I'd get up and shake your hand,
but I'm holding in a fart.

349
00:15:09,993 --> 00:15:12,371
Hey, also that sign
above the hot tub that says,

350
00:15:12,454 --> 00:15:15,791
"Don't go in if you've had
diarrhea in the last 48 hours,"

351
00:15:15,874 --> 00:15:17,459
that's not, like, a law, right?

352
00:15:17,542 --> 00:15:20,879
It can't be. Who's ever gone
48 hours without having diarrhea?

353
00:15:20,963 --> 00:15:21,838
[both] Not me!

354
00:15:21,922 --> 00:15:22,839
[laughing] Jinx!

355
00:15:22,923 --> 00:15:24,758
Andrew found a snow bunny?

356
00:15:24,841 --> 00:15:28,053
Andrew? This trip is fucking trash.

357
00:15:28,136 --> 00:15:29,513
Come on in, Nick, join us!

358
00:15:29,596 --> 00:15:31,473
Yeah, I was just kidding about the fart.

359
00:15:31,556 --> 00:15:33,016
I let it out a long time ago.

360
00:15:33,100 --> 00:15:34,685
I wasn't gonna let it boil in here.

361
00:15:34,768 --> 00:15:37,980
I think I'll just go stand barefoot
in the snow, but thanks.

362
00:15:38,063 --> 00:15:39,648
Oh, hello, Bonstance.

363
00:15:39,731 --> 00:15:41,733
Actually, it's Bonrad.

364
00:15:41,817 --> 00:15:44,403
And if you're using the hot tub,
I can come back.

365
00:15:44,486 --> 00:15:46,863
Oh, come on. There's plenty of room.

366
00:15:46,947 --> 00:15:50,659
It'll just be you, me,
and these two fucking Garbage Pail Kids.

367
00:15:50,742 --> 00:15:53,870
Well, I do love a juicy jacuzzi.

368
00:15:53,954 --> 00:15:55,914
Just like your sister
and her bubble baths.

369
00:15:55,998 --> 00:15:58,333
Bubble baths are for gettin' clean.

370
00:15:58,417 --> 00:16:00,794
Hot tubs are for gettin' dirty!

371
00:16:00,877 --> 00:16:04,715
Holy shit, my boiled dick
is so hard right now.

372
00:16:06,883 --> 00:16:09,720
Val, I would like to buy
the electric company

373
00:16:09,803 --> 00:16:12,389
because things need to get turned on.

374
00:16:12,472 --> 00:16:16,435
Well, if that would give you pleasure,
then I am ATV.

375
00:16:16,518 --> 00:16:20,480
-[giggles]
-I bet that filthy Bilzerian has HPV.

376
00:16:20,564 --> 00:16:22,065
Just give me the stupid dice.

377
00:16:22,149 --> 00:16:24,651
-Oh! Marvin Gardens!
-Yeah!

378
00:16:24,735 --> 00:16:27,821
Uh-oh, Bernie and I own
a big, fat hotel there.

379
00:16:27,904 --> 00:16:29,823
-Like your fat juicy butt!
-[chuckles]

380
00:16:29,906 --> 00:16:31,616
-Bernie, stop it!
-No, I won't!

381
00:16:31,700 --> 00:16:34,786
Oh, my God, both of you stop it! What the…

382
00:16:34,870 --> 00:16:37,289
Welcome to the Hotel Di'Aray-a.

383
00:16:37,372 --> 00:16:39,916
-Where you pay out the ass.
-[both chuckle]

384
00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:40,959
-[Val] Hey, Nick!
-Shit.

385
00:16:41,043 --> 00:16:43,920
-Check it out! I'm inside your sister!
-[moans]

386
00:16:44,004 --> 00:16:46,757
Thanks, Mom and Dad,
for making this so easy!

387
00:16:46,840 --> 00:16:48,258
-No!
-If our children aren't fucking,

388
00:16:48,341 --> 00:16:49,384
we're not proud of them!

389
00:16:49,468 --> 00:16:51,553
-Nicky, why don't you have a lover?
-What?

390
00:16:51,636 --> 00:16:55,682
You're all alone, and this game is gonna
last another two and a half hours!

391
00:16:55,766 --> 00:16:56,808
-Fire!
-[booms]

392
00:16:56,892 --> 00:16:58,226
Fuck you all!

393
00:16:58,310 --> 00:16:59,895
I don't want to play anymore!

394
00:16:59,978 --> 00:17:01,772
Nicholas! What is wrong with you?

395
00:17:01,855 --> 00:17:03,648
Me? What's wrong with you?

396
00:17:03,732 --> 00:17:07,152
You're just gonna
let this sleazy putz fuck our Leah?

397
00:17:07,235 --> 00:17:08,320
-Oh, my God!
-Yes.

398
00:17:08,403 --> 00:17:11,531
We are gonna let Val fuck our Leah,
and Leah fuck our Val,

399
00:17:11,615 --> 00:17:13,116
because that is who we are.

400
00:17:13,200 --> 00:17:15,660
Elliot! Do you even hear yourself?

401
00:17:15,744 --> 00:17:16,870
Nick, sit down.

402
00:17:16,953 --> 00:17:18,038
Have some Havarti.

403
00:17:18,121 --> 00:17:20,165
Have a couple olives and relax.

404
00:17:20,248 --> 00:17:22,918
We're the Birches.
We're sexually progressive.

405
00:17:23,001 --> 00:17:25,128
-Well, I'm sexually aggressive.
-[chuckles]

406
00:17:25,212 --> 00:17:27,255
-Let me goosey that juicy caboosey.
-Oh!

407
00:17:27,339 --> 00:17:29,299
Why are you here? Who even are you?

408
00:17:29,382 --> 00:17:31,593
I'm Bernie Sanders. Get on board!

409
00:17:31,676 --> 00:17:32,719
I hate all of you!

410
00:17:32,803 --> 00:17:34,805
You're such a spoiled little baby!

411
00:17:34,888 --> 00:17:37,057
[whining] I am not spoiled!

412
00:17:37,140 --> 00:17:40,602
Fuck my family. Fuck Andrew.
Fuck Bernie Sanders!

413
00:17:40,685 --> 00:17:43,897
You need to show those cum junkies
you are not a baby.

414
00:17:43,980 --> 00:17:45,565
Yeah! How--how do I do that?

415
00:17:45,649 --> 00:17:47,567
-What do big boys do?
-[dramatic sting]

416
00:17:47,651 --> 00:17:50,445
They fucking shred the black diamond!

417
00:17:50,529 --> 00:17:51,738
Oh, hell yes.

418
00:17:51,822 --> 00:17:55,909
Big boys also tie their own shoes
and hold their sippy cups

419
00:17:55,992 --> 00:17:57,911
all by their own selves.

420
00:17:57,994 --> 00:17:58,995
[Jay] All right.

421
00:17:59,079 --> 00:18:01,623
Well, you probably want me to get lost.

422
00:18:01,706 --> 00:18:04,000
I'd disappear,
but I don't know if you've heard,

423
00:18:04,084 --> 00:18:05,585
I can't do magic anymore.

424
00:18:05,669 --> 00:18:07,087
Yeah, I got that.

425
00:18:07,170 --> 00:18:09,631
Matthew, if you let him go, I quit.

426
00:18:09,714 --> 00:18:12,008
-Are you allowed to do that?
-Fucking try me.

427
00:18:12,092 --> 00:18:14,886
[exhales] You know, Jay,
you don't have to leave.

428
00:18:14,970 --> 00:18:16,888
Why are you being so nice to me?

429
00:18:16,972 --> 00:18:19,307
Everybody's right, I'm a fucking loser.

430
00:18:19,391 --> 00:18:22,727
Well, yeah, right now
your whole vibe kind of sucks.

431
00:18:22,811 --> 00:18:23,770
See, you get it.

432
00:18:23,854 --> 00:18:25,605
-But this isn't you.
-Isn't it?

433
00:18:25,689 --> 00:18:27,399
You're confident and tough.

434
00:18:27,482 --> 00:18:31,069
I mean, life shits all over you
like you're a statue at a bird sanctuary,

435
00:18:31,153 --> 00:18:32,279
but you're Jay.

436
00:18:32,362 --> 00:18:35,448
-You just keep going.
-Yeah, he does. He's the best of us.

437
00:18:35,532 --> 00:18:37,284
And meanwhile, I'm such a coward,

438
00:18:37,367 --> 00:18:40,120
I couldn't even tell my boyfriend
why I really broke up with him.

439
00:18:40,203 --> 00:18:42,455
[chuckling] Oh, yeah, that was so stupid.

440
00:18:42,539 --> 00:18:43,707
Aiden was perfect.

441
00:18:43,790 --> 00:18:45,584
I know, but he…

442
00:18:46,168 --> 00:18:47,294
[sighs]

443
00:18:47,377 --> 00:18:49,379
Jay, he wasn't you.

444
00:18:49,462 --> 00:18:52,799
Wait, what?
Why are you saying all this shit?

445
00:18:52,883 --> 00:18:56,595
I'm dumb. I'm rude.
My dick looks like a bruised yam.

446
00:18:56,678 --> 00:18:58,889
Because I like you, okay?

447
00:18:58,972 --> 00:19:00,265
There, I fucking said it.

448
00:19:00,348 --> 00:19:02,100
I, like, like-like you.

449
00:19:02,184 --> 00:19:06,479
-Oh, me, oh, my. I hope he likes us back.
-Hey, are you fucking with me right now?

450
00:19:06,563 --> 00:19:08,023
Do not fuck with me, Matthew.

451
00:19:08,106 --> 00:19:09,149
You don't like me.

452
00:19:09,232 --> 00:19:12,777
I do! It's crazy,
but I really, really like you.

453
00:19:12,861 --> 00:19:14,821
-I like that you're unhinged.
-Yeah!

454
00:19:14,905 --> 00:19:16,406
-Unwashed.
-So dirty.

455
00:19:16,489 --> 00:19:18,283
-Uncut.
-[growls] Uh-huh.

456
00:19:18,366 --> 00:19:19,743
You're fucking right I am.

457
00:19:19,826 --> 00:19:24,039
And, Jay, you've got that funk
that makes my junk wanna spunk.

458
00:19:24,122 --> 00:19:25,957
Hey, you used my line!

459
00:19:26,041 --> 00:19:28,627
Ooh, quick consent
to mash your mouth with mine?

460
00:19:28,710 --> 00:19:30,712
Consent granted, sailor.

461
00:19:30,795 --> 00:19:31,838
[both moaning]

462
00:19:32,422 --> 00:19:36,176
Oh, finally. Reality matches my tattoo.

463
00:19:36,259 --> 00:19:39,429
When I clench…
[grunts] …they kiss. [grunts]

464
00:19:39,512 --> 00:19:45,310
So Valtrex Giuliani Bilzerian,
what, uh, arouses you?

465
00:19:45,393 --> 00:19:48,230
-Uh…
-I mean, what turns you on?

466
00:19:48,313 --> 00:19:49,773
Oh, you know, just regular stuff.

467
00:19:49,856 --> 00:19:52,901
Stepsister stuff,
stepmom stuff, stepfather stuff.

468
00:19:52,984 --> 00:19:56,238
But what I'd be into right now
is "pleasuring you" stuff.

469
00:19:56,321 --> 00:19:58,698
-So what are you into?
-[gasps] What do I say?

470
00:19:58,782 --> 00:20:01,618
Speak from the heart, about your pussy.

471
00:20:01,701 --> 00:20:03,161
[scoffs] So I just say it?

472
00:20:03,245 --> 00:20:05,080
A closed mouth don't get fed,

473
00:20:05,163 --> 00:20:07,249
and a closed pussy don't get licked.

474
00:20:07,332 --> 00:20:10,919
Um, I think what I would like
is for you to go down on me.

475
00:20:11,002 --> 00:20:14,172
[exhales] Okay, I can do this.
I'm ready. But just a heads-up,

476
00:20:14,256 --> 00:20:17,926
I'm not sure I can "adore the vagina"
as good as your dad does.

477
00:20:18,009 --> 00:20:21,680
Hey, Val? Keep my father's name
out of your fucking mouth.

478
00:20:21,763 --> 00:20:22,597
[both] Mmm.

479
00:20:22,681 --> 00:20:24,140
Quite the view, huh?

480
00:20:24,224 --> 00:20:27,978
So we're on a bed
in the midst of a rare diarrhea pause.

481
00:20:28,061 --> 00:20:29,896
[chuckles] What do you want to do?

482
00:20:29,980 --> 00:20:32,649
-Maury, what do I want to do?
-Uh, let me think.

483
00:20:32,732 --> 00:20:34,818
Tell her… Oh, God, I don't know.

484
00:20:34,901 --> 00:20:39,281
Uh, kissy. Ki-kissy touchy.
Oh, shit! Uh, kissy touchy wee-wee?

485
00:20:39,364 --> 00:20:42,575
Well, what would you like to do, Bernie?

486
00:20:42,659 --> 00:20:44,703
I think I would like you to kiss me?

487
00:20:44,786 --> 00:20:46,913
Oh, kissy touchy wee-wee!

488
00:20:46,997 --> 00:20:48,331
-[kissing, chuckles]
-Mmm.

489
00:20:48,415 --> 00:20:51,626
Ooh! I like that your mustache
smells like mustard.

490
00:20:51,710 --> 00:20:55,964
Oh, my boys are
fucking crushing it this episode.

491
00:20:56,047 --> 00:20:59,342
[moans] Okay.
Now that you've Zambonied the ice,

492
00:20:59,426 --> 00:21:00,969
should we try skating again?

493
00:21:01,052 --> 00:21:03,805
Wait, babe, since we're,
like, talking now and stuff,

494
00:21:03,888 --> 00:21:05,640
I should tell you that last night,

495
00:21:05,724 --> 00:21:07,142
it was my first time.

496
00:21:07,225 --> 00:21:09,644
-Oh! I'm so lame.
-Aww. No.

497
00:21:09,728 --> 00:21:12,397
I think it's nice
that it was both of our first times.

498
00:21:12,480 --> 00:21:16,067
Aw, that's very sweet, but chop-chop,
kissy touchy wee-wee! Come on.

499
00:21:16,151 --> 00:21:18,695
-Okay, how's that?
-Good. We can go a little faster.

500
00:21:18,778 --> 00:21:22,115
-Really? Oh, does that feel okay?
-Mmm. Yeah. It feels kind of great.

501
00:21:22,198 --> 00:21:24,284
-I know!
-Hey, do you know how to skate backwards?

502
00:21:24,367 --> 00:21:26,328
Actually, I think
we might need to go for the jump.

503
00:21:26,411 --> 00:21:29,122
Already? [sighs breathlessly]
That's okay. Let's do it.

504
00:21:29,205 --> 00:21:30,248
[wheezing grunt]

505
00:21:30,915 --> 00:21:33,501
-[sighs] That was kind of okay.
-[pants, sighs]

506
00:21:33,585 --> 00:21:35,962
Fuck yeah! It was kinda okay!

507
00:21:36,046 --> 00:21:38,506
Yeah! Like pancakes without syrup.

508
00:21:38,590 --> 00:21:40,091
It was kind of okay!

509
00:21:40,175 --> 00:21:42,510
-You wanna try again?
-[chuckles] I think I do.

510
00:21:42,594 --> 00:21:43,887
Yeah, let's go!

511
00:21:43,970 --> 00:21:47,349
Let's get some lady nectar
up on those flapjacks.

512
00:21:47,432 --> 00:21:49,225
Okay, I get it. I've heard you.

513
00:21:49,309 --> 00:21:52,062
You don't love me anymore.
You want a divorce? That's fine.

514
00:21:52,145 --> 00:21:55,065
All I ask is 100% custody of you.

515
00:21:55,148 --> 00:21:57,400
I don't want a divorce, Elliot,

516
00:21:57,484 --> 00:22:00,987
I just want to have a real conversation
about our daughter having sex!

517
00:22:01,071 --> 00:22:03,823
-Oh, you want a real conversation, do you?
-Yes, I do!

518
00:22:03,907 --> 00:22:05,116
Well, here's what I think!

519
00:22:05,200 --> 00:22:08,036
Leah's ready to have sex when
Leah says she's ready to have sex

520
00:22:08,119 --> 00:22:11,206
because we made Leah ready
to have sex when Leah's ready to have sex.

521
00:22:11,289 --> 00:22:14,042
I know, but you need
to let me have my feelings about it!

522
00:22:14,125 --> 00:22:17,170
I'm yelling,
but I'm actually very sorry about that,

523
00:22:17,253 --> 00:22:19,506
and honestly,
I'm a little nervous about it too!

524
00:22:19,589 --> 00:22:22,384
How would I know that
if we don't talk about it?

525
00:22:22,467 --> 00:22:25,637
Oh, God, it feels like
just yesterday she was five years old,

526
00:22:25,720 --> 00:22:30,141
and we were explaining that what she was
calling her vagina was actually her vulva.

527
00:22:30,225 --> 00:22:31,893
-[crying]
-I know it's hard,

528
00:22:31,976 --> 00:22:35,980
but do you know how sexy
you are when you're honest with me?

529
00:22:36,064 --> 00:22:37,065
[sniffles] I am?

530
00:22:37,148 --> 00:22:39,526
Can I please adore the vagina now?

531
00:22:39,609 --> 00:22:42,737
No, because I'm gonna ATP.

532
00:22:42,821 --> 00:22:44,614
You mean, adore the penis?

533
00:22:44,697 --> 00:22:46,366
No. Annihilate it!

534
00:22:46,449 --> 00:22:47,534
[gasps]

535
00:22:47,617 --> 00:22:49,369
-[kissing, moaning]
-Whew!

536
00:22:49,452 --> 00:22:51,704
[chuckles] It is hot under the Tuscan sun.

537
00:22:51,788 --> 00:22:54,624
I know, I'm schvitzing
through my prescription deodorant.

538
00:22:54,707 --> 00:22:57,377
Should we, uh, take off our shirts?

539
00:22:57,460 --> 00:22:59,921
Oh, my God, this is it!

540
00:23:00,004 --> 00:23:01,965
It's time to feel the Bern!

541
00:23:02,048 --> 00:23:02,966
Hey, Maury…

542
00:23:03,049 --> 00:23:05,635
My sister and I have decided two things.

543
00:23:05,718 --> 00:23:08,263
One, it's time to put our dad in a home.

544
00:23:08,346 --> 00:23:10,932
And two, we're having a threesome.

545
00:23:11,015 --> 00:23:14,060
Well, I think, uh,
both of those things are for the best.

546
00:23:14,144 --> 00:23:15,311
[grunting, moaning]

547
00:23:15,395 --> 00:23:17,439
Do you guys have
a place in mind for your dad,

548
00:23:17,522 --> 00:23:19,149
or you just gonna start researching?

549
00:23:19,232 --> 00:23:20,692
Yeah, put a finger in my fucking ass.

550
00:23:21,192 --> 00:23:23,319
Those assholes!
They can't tell me what to do.

551
00:23:23,403 --> 00:23:26,156
Damn straight!
Let's hate fuck this mountain.

552
00:23:26,239 --> 00:23:27,073
Fuck yeah!

553
00:23:27,157 --> 00:23:29,409
-[exciting music plays]
-Whoa! [grunting] Ooh!

554
00:23:29,492 --> 00:23:30,577
[Walter] Oh!

555
00:23:30,660 --> 00:23:32,495
Later, losers!

556
00:23:32,579 --> 00:23:34,956
[laughs, grunting]

557
00:23:35,039 --> 00:23:37,041
[Nick] Oh, my God!

558
00:23:37,125 --> 00:23:38,710
I never tried ceviche,

559
00:23:38,793 --> 00:23:42,213
-even though I told everyone I hated it!
-[head thudding]

560
00:23:42,755 --> 00:23:43,756
-[grunts]
-[cracks]

561
00:23:43,840 --> 00:23:45,341
Ow! My leg!

562
00:23:45,425 --> 00:23:47,510
I hate skiing!

563
00:23:47,594 --> 00:23:49,387
I hate Mondays!

564
00:23:49,471 --> 00:23:53,183
I hate my fucking life!

565
00:23:53,266 --> 00:23:55,768
-[Rick] But I love lasagna!
-[rumbling]

566
00:23:55,852 --> 00:23:57,896
-I love being pleasured!
-[classical music plays]

567
00:23:57,979 --> 00:24:01,566
I'm having sex
for the third time in 12 hours!

568
00:24:01,649 --> 00:24:04,235
I'm about to touch boobs!

569
00:24:04,319 --> 00:24:06,279
I'm also about to touch boobs!

570
00:24:06,362 --> 00:24:08,448
-[munching]
-And I'm about to put the mayo

571
00:24:08,531 --> 00:24:10,366
in a LaCienega sandwich.

572
00:24:10,450 --> 00:24:11,993
Yum, yum!

573
00:24:12,619 --> 00:24:13,703
[rumbling, rattling]

574
00:24:14,871 --> 00:24:16,247
-[both scream]
-[Val moans]

575
00:24:16,331 --> 00:24:17,832
-[both scream]
-[Leah] Oh, shit!

576
00:24:17,916 --> 00:24:19,042
[both] Whoa!

577
00:24:19,125 --> 00:24:21,169
-No!
-[window shatters]

578
00:24:21,252 --> 00:24:23,463
-[coughs] Bernie, are you there?
-[groans]

579
00:24:23,546 --> 00:24:25,048
Should we still keep making out?

580
00:24:25,131 --> 00:24:27,091
-I want to touch your boob.
-[grunting] Connie?

581
00:24:27,175 --> 00:24:28,134
-Bonnie?
-[moaning]

582
00:24:28,218 --> 00:24:30,345
Are you sixty-nining
each other under there?

583
00:24:31,596 --> 00:24:34,516
-[grunts]
-[gasps] Judd, you saved my life.

584
00:24:34,599 --> 00:24:37,644
-You die when I say you die.
-[grunts] Ooph!

585
00:24:37,727 --> 00:24:38,853
[Nick moans in pain]

586
00:24:38,937 --> 00:24:41,981
Well, Nicky,
you broke your leg and our trust.

587
00:24:42,065 --> 00:24:43,483
It wasn't my fault!

588
00:24:43,566 --> 00:24:44,859
What were you thinking?

589
00:24:44,943 --> 00:24:47,904
-It wasn't my fault!
-Yeah, it was. I saw the whole thing.

590
00:24:47,987 --> 00:24:48,988
He cursed us all

591
00:24:49,072 --> 00:24:50,865
-and then cried like a little bitch.
-[groans]

592
00:24:50,949 --> 00:24:54,494
I have to go.
My mom's freaking out about the avalanche,

593
00:24:54,577 --> 00:24:57,080
and my dad's big balls
got caught in his zipper.

594
00:24:57,163 --> 00:24:59,249
[stammers] Wait, will I see you tomorrow?

595
00:24:59,332 --> 00:25:01,584
I'm sorry, Andrew,
we have to get Nicky back to Bridgeton.

596
00:25:01,668 --> 00:25:03,002
-He needs surgery.
-No, no, no.

597
00:25:03,086 --> 00:25:05,338
You take the boy. I stay here with Bernie.

598
00:25:05,421 --> 00:25:08,925
I will make my way back to New York
by following the sun in reverse.

599
00:25:09,008 --> 00:25:10,677
-Now go!
-[sighs] Goodbye, Andrew.

600
00:25:10,760 --> 00:25:12,595
-Goodbye, Bernie Sanders.
-[kisses]

601
00:25:12,679 --> 00:25:15,014
Maybe we could try again in four years.

602
00:25:15,098 --> 00:25:17,100
I don't know. I'll be pretty old.

603
00:25:17,642 --> 00:25:19,102
Well, I hope you're happy, Nick.

604
00:25:19,185 --> 00:25:21,479
Your selfishness
ruined our family vacation.

605
00:25:21,563 --> 00:25:25,692
Ugh! And you know Mom and Dad aren't gonna
let Val sleep in my room at home, fucker!

606
00:25:25,775 --> 00:25:28,194
-[groans]
-I was going to touch boobs, young man.

607
00:25:28,278 --> 00:25:31,072
Boobs. On a girl.
And she was gonna touch mine!

608
00:25:31,155 --> 00:25:32,949
All of you stop talking!

609
00:25:33,032 --> 00:25:36,286
I'm gonna get you for this,
Nick, if it's the last thing I do.

610
00:25:36,369 --> 00:25:38,496
Well, it probably
won't be the last thing I do.

611
00:25:38,580 --> 00:25:39,956
I'll probably smoke crack.

612
00:25:40,039 --> 00:25:42,166
Why did you make me go down that mountain?

613
00:25:42,250 --> 00:25:44,711
Oh, please. I didn't make you do shit.

614
00:25:44,794 --> 00:25:46,170
I hate you, Walter!

615
00:25:46,254 --> 00:25:49,299
[scoffs] Bitch! I hated you first!

616
00:25:49,382 --> 00:25:51,843
-[groans loudly]
-[dramatic classical music plays]