1 00:00:07,300 --> 00:00:09,135 -[Connie grunting] -[metal clanking] 2 00:00:13,014 --> 00:00:13,890 What are you doing? 3 00:00:13,973 --> 00:00:15,850 I'm getting my tongue into licking shape 4 00:00:15,933 --> 00:00:19,437 so we can do cunnilingus on Ali the second she walks through that door. 5 00:00:19,520 --> 00:00:22,565 Whoa, whoa, whoa. I only had one fantasy about kissing her. 6 00:00:22,648 --> 00:00:25,234 Yeah. And they have a really special friendship 7 00:00:25,318 --> 00:00:26,444 that we don't want to ruin. 8 00:00:26,527 --> 00:00:27,653 Oh, come on. 9 00:00:27,737 --> 00:00:31,032 You can't ruin a friendship with sex. That's a myth. 10 00:00:31,115 --> 00:00:32,366 Oh, shit, she's here. 11 00:00:32,450 --> 00:00:34,911 Ooh, showtime. Eat out your friend! 12 00:00:34,994 --> 00:00:36,954 Or maybe just say hello. 13 00:00:37,038 --> 00:00:38,331 Ali, hi! 14 00:00:38,414 --> 00:00:40,875 Jessi! Since last week sucked ass, 15 00:00:40,958 --> 00:00:43,086 I got you a Frappuccino just how you like it. 16 00:00:43,169 --> 00:00:46,255 Iced chocolate, ten pumps of caramel, no coffee, extra whip. 17 00:00:46,339 --> 00:00:48,049 Oh, my God, you know me so well! 18 00:00:48,132 --> 00:00:50,593 Chill, bitch. I'm obviously drinking half of that. 19 00:00:50,676 --> 00:00:53,471 -[chuckles] -You guys, Ali has my order memorized. 20 00:00:53,554 --> 00:00:55,431 Michael Angelo didn't even know my last name. 21 00:00:55,515 --> 00:00:57,850 Will you shut the fuck up! She's taking off her clothes! 22 00:00:57,934 --> 00:01:00,186 Oh, my God, what do I do? Do I look? I wanna look. 23 00:01:00,269 --> 00:01:01,604 Should I look away? What's normal? 24 00:01:01,687 --> 00:01:03,439 See, Connie? You're freaking her out. 25 00:01:03,523 --> 00:01:06,400 But I'm completely transfixed by the boobies! 26 00:01:06,484 --> 00:01:08,194 -Hello? Earth to Jessi! -[slurping] 27 00:01:08,277 --> 00:01:10,321 Oh, right. Right. "Earth to Jessi." 28 00:01:10,404 --> 00:01:13,533 [sighs] I love our planet. The Earth. Even more than the moon. 29 00:01:13,616 --> 00:01:14,617 Who needs that? 30 00:01:14,700 --> 00:01:17,078 -"Houston, we have a Starbucks." -[both chuckle] 31 00:01:17,161 --> 00:01:21,040 You funny. Now drink the fucking frappe. I spent my life savings on that shit. 32 00:01:21,124 --> 00:01:23,626 Ooh! This does feel a little different. 33 00:01:23,709 --> 00:01:26,796 Fuck! I'm totally crushing on my best friend. 34 00:01:26,879 --> 00:01:30,007 All this and more on Connie Lingus Tonight. 35 00:01:30,091 --> 00:01:32,343 -♪ It's Connie Lingus Tonight ♪ -[applause] 36 00:01:32,426 --> 00:01:34,178 [scatting] 37 00:01:34,262 --> 00:01:38,266 ♪ We're gonna test the lesbian waters On my very real show ♪ 38 00:01:38,349 --> 00:01:40,601 -[audience cheers] -♪ Connie Lingus Tonight! ♪ 39 00:01:40,685 --> 00:01:42,812 ["Changes" by Charles Bradley plays] 40 00:01:42,895 --> 00:01:48,484 ♪ I'm going through changes ♪ 41 00:01:52,321 --> 00:01:57,743 ♪ I'm going through changes ♪ 42 00:01:58,578 --> 00:02:00,580 ♪ Oh, in my life ♪ 43 00:02:02,123 --> 00:02:05,209 ♪ Oh! Ooh! Ooh! ♪ 44 00:02:13,217 --> 00:02:14,385 [boys moaning, kissing] 45 00:02:14,468 --> 00:02:16,053 [school bell rings] 46 00:02:16,137 --> 00:02:19,849 Dude, can I just say, I love being your sidepiece. 47 00:02:19,932 --> 00:02:24,187 I get to be blackout horny 24/7 with no strings attached? 48 00:02:24,270 --> 00:02:25,146 [laughs] 49 00:02:25,229 --> 00:02:26,731 -Yes, please! -Yeah, whatever. 50 00:02:26,814 --> 00:02:31,527 And having no emotional connection gives me so much time to myself. 51 00:02:31,611 --> 00:02:33,779 Did I tell you I'm thinking about opening a restaurant? 52 00:02:33,863 --> 00:02:37,241 It's sliders, but they're bigger, like hamburger-size! 53 00:02:37,325 --> 00:02:39,452 Hang back so nobody sees us leave together. 54 00:02:39,535 --> 00:02:42,747 Yep, the sidepiece life is pretty awesome. [chuckles] 55 00:02:42,830 --> 00:02:46,417 Way better than being recognized as a human being. 56 00:02:46,500 --> 00:02:48,085 Sidepiece wolf! 57 00:02:48,169 --> 00:02:49,295 [howls sadly] 58 00:02:49,378 --> 00:02:51,297 Shit. I don't want to go in there! 59 00:02:51,380 --> 00:02:52,215 Oh, come on. 60 00:02:52,298 --> 00:02:54,717 I'm sure everybody forgot about Jessi screaming 61 00:02:54,800 --> 00:02:57,011 that she doesn't want to date you, isn't into you, 62 00:02:57,094 --> 00:03:01,057 and you'll never, under any circumstances, make her horny. 63 00:03:01,140 --> 00:03:03,267 Oh, well, you seem to remember it verbatim. 64 00:03:03,351 --> 00:03:04,977 Oh, honey, I forget nothing. 65 00:03:05,061 --> 00:03:07,605 [chuckles] Oh, shit. Nick, you came back to school 66 00:03:07,688 --> 00:03:10,524 after Jessi basically cut your dick off in front of everybody? 67 00:03:10,608 --> 00:03:12,193 -[all laugh] -Oh, fuck! 68 00:03:12,276 --> 00:03:16,405 Okay, my sweet birdies, let's be gentle with our dear friend Nick, 69 00:03:16,489 --> 00:03:18,699 for his fragile heart hath been torn asunder. 70 00:03:18,783 --> 00:03:20,534 What are you doing? I don't like this. 71 00:03:20,618 --> 00:03:24,330 Last week, I was sensitive and kind to my dad, and he almost hugged me. 72 00:03:24,413 --> 00:03:26,791 So this is my new personality. Enjoy. 73 00:03:26,874 --> 00:03:28,459 He's Tender Andrew now. 74 00:03:28,542 --> 00:03:32,964 Sensitive yet fuckable, like my hormone monster friend, Simon Sex. 75 00:03:33,047 --> 00:03:35,341 -"Simon Sex." He sounds-- -Sexy? 76 00:03:35,424 --> 00:03:37,051 No, I was gonna say made up. 77 00:03:37,134 --> 00:03:41,472 Oh, he's very real and very sexy, but he's also a beautiful soul. 78 00:03:41,555 --> 00:03:44,475 We spent most of the '70s eating magic mushrooms together 79 00:03:44,558 --> 00:03:46,769 and masturbating in an open field. 80 00:03:46,852 --> 00:03:49,230 Yo, Nick. If you're feeling shitty about Jessi, 81 00:03:49,313 --> 00:03:51,649 what you need is a boys' night out. 82 00:03:51,732 --> 00:03:53,734 That's what I did after my child divorce from Devin. 83 00:03:53,818 --> 00:03:56,529 Oh, yeah! Real men, we take that heartbreak 84 00:03:56,612 --> 00:03:59,991 and we make it wait in the closet for 20 minutes… 85 00:04:00,074 --> 00:04:02,076 [chuckling] …while we walk away. 86 00:04:02,159 --> 00:04:04,412 -[chuckles] Right, Charles? -Yeah, whatever. 87 00:04:04,495 --> 00:04:09,125 Picture it, bro, I'm telling you. A night for guys to just be guys. 88 00:04:09,208 --> 00:04:11,585 We're all drunk off of vanilla vodka. 89 00:04:11,669 --> 00:04:13,879 No mixers 'cause we're big boys now. 90 00:04:13,963 --> 00:04:15,673 Beautiful women, fast cars. 91 00:04:15,756 --> 00:04:17,508 Everybody's got a fucking sword. 92 00:04:17,591 --> 00:04:19,176 Oh, oh, and Vin Diesel's there. 93 00:04:19,260 --> 00:04:22,096 I like to sing karaoke on Facebook. 94 00:04:22,179 --> 00:04:28,811 Would any of you tall adult men like a bite of sushi off my hard, heavy tits? 95 00:04:28,894 --> 00:04:32,315 Hey, sushi's for vegetarian cucks! [cocks gun] Eat me! 96 00:04:32,398 --> 00:04:34,317 -[all cheering] -[Lump] Yeah! 97 00:04:34,400 --> 00:04:35,443 [ethereal whoosh] 98 00:04:35,526 --> 00:04:37,445 Okay, guys, I'm sorry. Stop picturing that. 99 00:04:37,528 --> 00:04:39,488 I propose an alternative evening. 100 00:04:39,572 --> 00:04:42,033 Dreamweave with me, just for a moment, baby boy. 101 00:04:42,116 --> 00:04:44,577 Ugh, why is your whisper so wet? 102 00:04:44,660 --> 00:04:49,373 Because my mouth's got the hots for a boys' night in. 103 00:04:49,457 --> 00:04:50,374 [blows] 104 00:04:50,458 --> 00:04:53,836 What I propose is an evening for men to mend, 105 00:04:53,919 --> 00:04:54,962 by looking inward. 106 00:04:55,046 --> 00:04:57,882 We'll share our secrets and travel back to infancy, 107 00:04:57,965 --> 00:05:00,551 then celebrate our growth with a communal orgasm… 108 00:05:00,634 --> 00:05:02,762 -[all crying] -…a group drain, if you will, 109 00:05:02,845 --> 00:05:05,473 -crying and cumming, crying and cumming… -[steak masturbating] 110 00:05:05,556 --> 00:05:07,808 -…in an upsetting crescendo. -[crying grows louder] 111 00:05:07,892 --> 00:05:12,021 That sounds hard, boring, gay and sweaty. Nick, do my thing instead. 112 00:05:12,104 --> 00:05:14,565 I mean, being vulnerable has gotten me nowhere. 113 00:05:14,648 --> 00:05:19,111 And it would be a relief to not think about Jessi for a night. 114 00:05:19,195 --> 00:05:22,156 I like the one where the boys eat the cowboy steak. 115 00:05:22,239 --> 00:05:25,576 Okay, I'm gonna go with Devon's fun plan instead of Andrew's bad one. 116 00:05:25,659 --> 00:05:28,162 Hell yeah! I know the perfect place to go tonight. 117 00:05:28,245 --> 00:05:33,292 Oh, Andrew, I'm sorry they didn't like your hard, boring, gay, sweaty idea. 118 00:05:33,376 --> 00:05:34,543 Oh, don't worry, Maury. 119 00:05:34,627 --> 00:05:37,713 By hook or by crook, there will be a group drain tonight. 120 00:05:37,797 --> 00:05:40,424 The floor will be slick with tears and cum. 121 00:05:40,508 --> 00:05:42,927 Oh, you know who loves tears and cum? 122 00:05:43,010 --> 00:05:45,304 Simon Sex. I'm gonna invite him. 123 00:05:45,388 --> 00:05:48,224 I think the audience would like to see who I'm talking about. 124 00:05:48,307 --> 00:05:49,225 [school bell rings] 125 00:05:49,308 --> 00:05:52,478 Hi! Hello! You're everything to me. 126 00:05:52,561 --> 00:05:55,773 Hi! Hello! You're everything to me. [farts] 127 00:05:55,856 --> 00:05:58,943 And that's how you do two-person fart starters. 128 00:05:59,026 --> 00:06:03,989 -Hi! Hello. You're everything to me. -[gasps] She's flirting with you! 129 00:06:04,073 --> 00:06:05,658 Spread her knees and dive in there! 130 00:06:05,741 --> 00:06:07,743 Wait, though. Is that even what I want? 131 00:06:07,827 --> 00:06:11,205 Hell yeah! We can go from flirtin' to squirtin' in a lick of a clit. 132 00:06:11,288 --> 00:06:14,333 Ugh, Connie, I don't know if I should have chugged a whole Frappuccino 133 00:06:14,417 --> 00:06:16,085 and then done a bunch of sit-ups. 134 00:06:16,168 --> 00:06:20,005 -Hi. Hello. You're everything to me. -Miss you already. 135 00:06:20,089 --> 00:06:23,092 -[Jessi] Bye! Ugh. -[female] They are the worst, aren't they? 136 00:06:23,175 --> 00:06:25,886 -Yeah, they think they're so cool! -[female] Totally. 137 00:06:25,970 --> 00:06:27,346 Wait, who said that? 138 00:06:27,430 --> 00:06:28,305 I did! 139 00:06:28,389 --> 00:06:30,724 [gasps] Oh, my gosh, you're very cute. 140 00:06:30,808 --> 00:06:32,893 Aw, thanks, I'm Rochelle. 141 00:06:32,977 --> 00:06:34,061 That's a beautiful name. 142 00:06:34,145 --> 00:06:35,354 You know who's not cute? 143 00:06:35,438 --> 00:06:37,857 -Those fucking bitches. -Oh, wow. Okay, uh, well, 144 00:06:37,940 --> 00:06:40,860 I don't know if I'd call them B-words in the light of day-- 145 00:06:40,943 --> 00:06:41,944 Well, I would. 146 00:06:42,027 --> 00:06:44,738 What they did to you at your affinity group meeting was horrible. 147 00:06:44,822 --> 00:06:45,698 You were there? 148 00:06:45,781 --> 00:06:49,702 All right, you guys, let's get to work making the world a better place. 149 00:06:49,785 --> 00:06:53,664 Screw that! Who wants to do our idea instead of Missy's dorky bullshit? 150 00:06:53,747 --> 00:06:57,501 I'm a white co-opter and I love every fucking second of it! 151 00:06:57,585 --> 00:06:58,752 -[explodes] -[all] Yeah! 152 00:06:58,836 --> 00:07:01,338 You're not keeping track of my sit-ups. 153 00:07:01,422 --> 00:07:02,631 Oh, sorry, Caleb. 154 00:07:02,715 --> 00:07:05,384 Was the affinity meeting really that bad? 155 00:07:05,468 --> 00:07:08,471 Yes, it was, and you don't deserve to be treated like that. 156 00:07:08,554 --> 00:07:10,723 You deserve early admission to Wellesley 157 00:07:10,806 --> 00:07:13,392 and a boyfriend with a thick, hard ass. 158 00:07:13,476 --> 00:07:14,852 Ooh! [chuckles] Ah! 159 00:07:14,935 --> 00:07:17,480 From your lips to Idris Elba's thick, hard ass. 160 00:07:17,563 --> 00:07:18,689 -[both laugh] -[snorts] 161 00:07:18,772 --> 00:07:21,734 You guys, this is really confusing. 162 00:07:21,817 --> 00:07:23,944 I've never been attracted to a girl before. 163 00:07:24,028 --> 00:07:25,779 Is it possible you're a lesbian? 164 00:07:25,863 --> 00:07:27,615 You mean, like my mom? 165 00:07:27,698 --> 00:07:29,742 Nope, you definitely like guys too. 166 00:07:29,825 --> 00:07:31,994 Judd makes your goosh go sploosh. 167 00:07:32,077 --> 00:07:35,289 Hello! Yoo-hoo! [chuckles] Don't talk about me like I'm not here! 168 00:07:35,372 --> 00:07:37,708 -Oh! Hey, there, Jessi's vagina! -Oh, boy. 169 00:07:37,791 --> 00:07:40,753 While it's true Judd's a real me-wetter… [chuckles] 170 00:07:40,836 --> 00:07:44,632 …when you were holding Ali's ankles, I got a full body buzz on, girl! 171 00:07:44,715 --> 00:07:47,384 [laughs] Jessi, you got a funny snatch. 172 00:07:47,468 --> 00:07:49,470 Oh, my God, thank you! 173 00:07:49,553 --> 00:07:53,974 I am in a sketch group with Jessi's taint, her butt hole, and Kegel-Michael Key. 174 00:07:54,058 --> 00:07:56,894 But honey, getting romantic with your best friend? 175 00:07:56,977 --> 00:07:59,730 That's a lot more complicated than you think. 176 00:07:59,813 --> 00:08:01,398 Uh-uh-uh, I disagree. 177 00:08:01,482 --> 00:08:03,567 To try and fuck your best friend? 178 00:08:03,651 --> 00:08:06,445 Why, it's the most beautiful and natural thing 179 00:08:06,529 --> 00:08:07,738 in the whole wide world. 180 00:08:07,821 --> 00:08:09,490 -Really? -As a matter of fact, 181 00:08:09,573 --> 00:08:12,660 I might have penned a little song about this. [blows kiss] 182 00:08:12,743 --> 00:08:14,745 ['70s romantic rock music plays] 183 00:08:15,788 --> 00:08:20,042 ♪ It's a great big world With a million kind of lovers ♪ 184 00:08:20,125 --> 00:08:23,379 ♪ From rough, gentle, sloppy and quick ♪ 185 00:08:23,963 --> 00:08:28,467 ♪ You got your boyfriends, girlfriends Long-terms and whirlwinds ♪ 186 00:08:28,551 --> 00:08:31,512 ♪ Artisans of pussy and dick ♪ 187 00:08:32,429 --> 00:08:36,141 ♪ Some that are cool And some that are fools ♪ 188 00:08:36,225 --> 00:08:39,562 ♪ Some are strangers in a bathroom stall ♪ 189 00:08:39,645 --> 00:08:40,479 Ew! 190 00:08:40,563 --> 00:08:45,025 ♪ But when it comes to pure pleasure By any kind of measure ♪ 191 00:08:45,109 --> 00:08:48,946 ♪ There's one kind of lover That's the best of them all ♪ 192 00:08:49,446 --> 00:08:53,284 ♪ Best friends make the best lovers ♪ 193 00:08:53,367 --> 00:08:56,120 ♪ Bangin' with your buddy's the best ♪ 194 00:08:56,870 --> 00:09:01,458 ♪ When you got love and affection Underneath the covers ♪ 195 00:09:01,542 --> 00:09:03,586 ♪ Baby, you'll forget ♪ 196 00:09:03,669 --> 00:09:07,423 ♪ Baby, you'll forget all the rest ♪ 197 00:09:07,506 --> 00:09:11,385 ♪ Some lovers Might feed your primal need ♪ 198 00:09:11,468 --> 00:09:15,514 ♪ But they leave you with a dull remorse ♪ 199 00:09:15,598 --> 00:09:19,893 ♪ But when you're gettin' slutty With your number one buddy ♪ 200 00:09:19,977 --> 00:09:24,607 ♪ It's the best of both worlds It's a powerful force ♪ 201 00:09:24,690 --> 00:09:28,193 ♪ Best friends are the best lovers ♪ 202 00:09:28,277 --> 00:09:31,238 ♪ Gettin' busy With your buddy's the best ♪ 203 00:09:32,072 --> 00:09:36,452 ♪ You add some trust and affection To your carnal connection ♪ 204 00:09:36,535 --> 00:09:38,829 ♪ And baby, you'll forget ♪ 205 00:09:38,912 --> 00:09:42,583 ♪ Baby, you'll forget all the rest ♪ 206 00:09:43,167 --> 00:09:46,670 -Oh, damn, Connie, that was beautiful! -Thank you! 207 00:09:46,754 --> 00:09:50,257 So, does it make you want to suck face with your best friend? Hmm? 208 00:09:50,341 --> 00:09:52,343 Not gonna lie, it kind of does. 209 00:09:52,426 --> 00:09:56,055 If you play the song backwards, it makes everyone in the room want to eat ass. 210 00:09:56,138 --> 00:09:59,308 [distorted voice] Eat the ass and worship Santa. 211 00:09:59,391 --> 00:10:00,434 No way! 212 00:10:00,517 --> 00:10:03,270 -Jesus! This place is creepy. -[crow caws] 213 00:10:03,354 --> 00:10:06,231 Well, you'll either come out of this night feeling better, 214 00:10:06,315 --> 00:10:08,567 or you'll be murdered by a drifter. 215 00:10:08,651 --> 00:10:11,820 And I bet Jessi would feel terrible if you died. 216 00:10:11,904 --> 00:10:14,156 Yeah, that'll show her! [knocks] 217 00:10:14,239 --> 00:10:18,661 Nick! Welcome to a badass night of male debauchery. 218 00:10:18,744 --> 00:10:20,496 -Hey, Nick! -Fuck your feelings. 219 00:10:20,579 --> 00:10:22,331 -We're breakin' shit. -[chuckles] Yeah! 220 00:10:22,414 --> 00:10:23,582 -[squeaking] -Ooh, rats! 221 00:10:23,666 --> 00:10:25,626 Hey, well, this place is, uh… 222 00:10:25,709 --> 00:10:28,545 -It's awesome, right? -What's, uh, with the sledgehammer? 223 00:10:28,629 --> 00:10:30,756 We're about to smash shit like men. 224 00:10:30,839 --> 00:10:31,715 I brought knives. 225 00:10:31,799 --> 00:10:36,387 And I came separately from Charles and brought capes and condoms! [laughs] 226 00:10:36,470 --> 00:10:40,766 Uh, I wheeled over a tub of my mom's signature recipe, Lump soup. 227 00:10:40,849 --> 00:10:44,395 It's two parts nacho cheese and one part Sunny D. 228 00:10:44,478 --> 00:10:47,606 -[slurps, gulps] -Ho, ho, ho! Bad boys know how to party. 229 00:10:47,690 --> 00:10:48,857 [owl hooting] 230 00:10:49,441 --> 00:10:52,903 Whoa! Where'd you get those killer threads, Tender Andy? 231 00:10:52,986 --> 00:10:57,157 My mom got them for a trip to Arizona that she did not take. 232 00:10:57,241 --> 00:10:59,702 -Where'd you get yours? -He got them from me. 233 00:10:59,785 --> 00:11:01,704 -Oh, wow. Hello! -Hi. 234 00:11:01,787 --> 00:11:03,414 Simon Sex, I presume? 235 00:11:03,497 --> 00:11:07,960 Guilty as charged, but the only crime I've committed is being open to love. 236 00:11:08,043 --> 00:11:12,047 We were also convicted for jerking off onto the grass at Wimbledon. 237 00:11:12,131 --> 00:11:14,133 [laughs] Oh, yes. Forgot that. 238 00:11:14,216 --> 00:11:16,552 Now go, Andrew, show those boys that 239 00:11:16,635 --> 00:11:19,638 even though society doesn't want them to be vulnerable, 240 00:11:19,722 --> 00:11:22,891 tenderness can be very powerful… [whispering] …and sexy. 241 00:11:22,975 --> 00:11:26,729 Well, if you professional perverts say this is the move, I'm in. 242 00:11:26,812 --> 00:11:27,980 -[laughs] -Hello, boys! 243 00:11:28,063 --> 00:11:31,316 I hope you're ready to uncork… [pops lips] …those hearts of yours, 244 00:11:31,400 --> 00:11:34,236 because I brought a bottle of "Mommy's Little Helper." 245 00:11:34,319 --> 00:11:36,405 -[boys] Oh, yeah! -Where did you get wine? 246 00:11:36,488 --> 00:11:39,825 Oh, ho, I have a mustache, Nick. They'll sell me rosé. 247 00:11:39,908 --> 00:11:42,119 Ooh, let's get fucked up! 248 00:11:42,202 --> 00:11:43,120 No, no, no. Hey! 249 00:11:43,203 --> 00:11:47,082 Before you take a sip, you must share one "I feel" statement. 250 00:11:47,166 --> 00:11:48,167 [all groan] 251 00:11:48,250 --> 00:11:50,294 I feel this sucks! 252 00:11:50,377 --> 00:11:52,713 Okay, big tough guys, I'll start. 253 00:11:52,796 --> 00:11:57,217 I feel tremulous because my dear friend Nick, who I love, I love a boy, 254 00:11:57,301 --> 00:12:00,345 is clearly suffering and he won't open his petals. 255 00:12:00,429 --> 00:12:01,305 [all groan] 256 00:12:01,388 --> 00:12:02,473 Nick, your turn. 257 00:12:02,556 --> 00:12:04,308 All right, I feel 258 00:12:04,391 --> 00:12:07,853 like I wanna smash a toilet with Devon's sledgehammer! 259 00:12:07,936 --> 00:12:09,104 [all cheer] 260 00:12:09,188 --> 00:12:14,276 Yes! Smashing stuff is so much better than feeling your sad, pathetic feelings. 261 00:12:14,359 --> 00:12:15,652 You're such a little man. 262 00:12:15,736 --> 00:12:17,863 -Fuck yeah! [grunts] -[heavy metal plays] 263 00:12:17,946 --> 00:12:19,031 Rip out a sink! 264 00:12:19,114 --> 00:12:20,240 Fuck up a tub! 265 00:12:20,324 --> 00:12:23,076 Look for the cookies that I hid in the wall! 266 00:12:23,160 --> 00:12:26,705 If anyone is seeking respite from the shackles of masculinity, 267 00:12:26,789 --> 00:12:29,500 the tenderness station is now open. 268 00:12:29,583 --> 00:12:31,794 -[thuds, splats] -Whoa! Not kind! 269 00:12:31,877 --> 00:12:34,379 -[typing] -Look at all those hearts in the caption. 270 00:12:34,463 --> 00:12:37,800 What kind of twisted shit you think happened between Ali and Jessi in jail? 271 00:12:37,883 --> 00:12:40,177 What exactly are you implying? 272 00:12:40,260 --> 00:12:42,596 I'm just saying, they went to jail together, 273 00:12:42,679 --> 00:12:45,182 and then soon as they got out, Ali broke up with Samira. 274 00:12:45,265 --> 00:12:46,099 You do the math. 275 00:12:46,183 --> 00:12:48,060 Oh, so you think-- 276 00:12:48,143 --> 00:12:50,312 [worm] Jessi totally hooked up with Ali in jail. 277 00:12:50,395 --> 00:12:51,230 It's obvious. 278 00:12:51,313 --> 00:12:54,483 Samira and Ali were together for three months. 279 00:12:54,566 --> 00:12:57,027 In middle school time, that's like four months. 280 00:12:57,110 --> 00:12:59,404 Exactly. Jessi's a messy bitch, 281 00:12:59,488 --> 00:13:01,907 a menace to society, and she needs to be stopped. 282 00:13:01,990 --> 00:13:04,284 -[imitates car screeching] -So if I told everyone 283 00:13:04,368 --> 00:13:05,661 that she hooked up with Ali, 284 00:13:05,744 --> 00:13:08,163 I'd be doing a service, like a whistleblower! 285 00:13:08,247 --> 00:13:11,250 Yes! The bravest thing you can do is post it online 286 00:13:11,333 --> 00:13:12,543 from an anonymous account. 287 00:13:12,626 --> 00:13:14,753 -Way ahead of you! -[chuckles] 288 00:13:14,837 --> 00:13:17,172 "Dr. PlainTalk." Okay! 289 00:13:17,256 --> 00:13:20,509 -Jailbirds? More like lovebirds. -Mm-hmm! 290 00:13:20,592 --> 00:13:25,180 These two criminals had an erotic dalliance in jail. 291 00:13:25,264 --> 00:13:28,559 -Ooh, girl! -What does poor Samira think of all this? 292 00:13:28,642 --> 00:13:32,980 -#Cheaters, #PoorSamira… -Preach! 293 00:13:33,063 --> 00:13:35,190 …#SlutsOfInstagram. 294 00:13:35,274 --> 00:13:37,067 Wow, you're good at this. 295 00:13:37,150 --> 00:13:40,404 Now, press send, and end Jessi's reign of terror. 296 00:13:40,487 --> 00:13:43,699 But we know that this is probably not true, right? 297 00:13:43,782 --> 00:13:45,784 Who cares? She sucks! 298 00:13:45,868 --> 00:13:48,120 She does suck. Eat it, B-word! 299 00:13:48,203 --> 00:13:49,454 Go, bitch. Go! 300 00:13:49,538 --> 00:13:53,041 -[boys yelling, grunting] -[Devon] Air this bitch out! 301 00:13:53,125 --> 00:13:53,959 Hey, babe? 302 00:13:54,042 --> 00:13:56,003 -What are you thinking right now? -Dude. 303 00:13:56,086 --> 00:13:57,296 We just never talk. 304 00:13:57,379 --> 00:13:59,006 What's your family like? 305 00:13:59,089 --> 00:14:01,550 -Do you feel safe with them? -Safe? 306 00:14:01,633 --> 00:14:05,554 I just thought maybe because we keep stuffing our tongues into each other, 307 00:14:05,637 --> 00:14:09,933 I--I don't know, we might want to try stuffing our feelings into each other? 308 00:14:10,017 --> 00:14:12,311 -That could be hot too, right? -Nah, I'm good. 309 00:14:12,394 --> 00:14:16,189 Okay, uh, yeah, I'm good too. [chuckles] 310 00:14:16,273 --> 00:14:18,442 I'm just gonna hang back here like you like. 311 00:14:18,525 --> 00:14:19,943 I'll see you in 20 minutes. 312 00:14:20,027 --> 00:14:22,279 [grunts] Fuck my bitch ex-wife. 313 00:14:22,362 --> 00:14:25,032 $14 a month in alimony? 314 00:14:25,115 --> 00:14:29,244 Fuck that guy at Foot Locker who said I have irregular feet! 315 00:14:29,328 --> 00:14:31,079 -Fuck Jessi! -[grunts] 316 00:14:31,163 --> 00:14:35,667 -How dare she reject you over and over! -[grunting] 317 00:14:35,751 --> 00:14:37,252 She's not better than me! 318 00:14:37,336 --> 00:14:39,755 Yes! Keep poking the wall with your-- 319 00:14:39,838 --> 00:14:42,883 with your weird little sword until you believe that. 320 00:14:42,966 --> 00:14:43,800 Oh! 321 00:14:43,884 --> 00:14:46,345 Well, it's official. Put it on the marquee. 322 00:14:46,428 --> 00:14:49,514 None of these boys want to be soothed by my tenderness. 323 00:14:49,598 --> 00:14:52,267 -It's like they refuse to look inward. -Heartbreakingly true. 324 00:14:52,351 --> 00:14:53,977 I like to look inward sometimes. 325 00:14:54,061 --> 00:14:57,022 I hold a mirror up to my butt hole. I can see all the way to my tummy. 326 00:14:57,105 --> 00:14:58,523 -[sobbing] -Hold on. What's that? 327 00:14:58,607 --> 00:15:01,443 It's Jay. He's crying like a little bitch. 328 00:15:01,526 --> 00:15:03,153 Maury, the real little bitch 329 00:15:03,236 --> 00:15:07,532 is the boy who doesn't offer comfort to him in his time of need. 330 00:15:07,616 --> 00:15:09,743 Should I try a little tenderness? 331 00:15:09,826 --> 00:15:11,703 Or a little mushrooms, that's what we did. 332 00:15:11,787 --> 00:15:13,455 Uh, I think I'll do the tenderness. 333 00:15:13,538 --> 00:15:16,124 Hey, if you don't want to eat powerful hallucinogens 334 00:15:16,208 --> 00:15:18,794 with a couple of hormone monsters, that's cool. 335 00:15:18,877 --> 00:15:21,046 Plus, we ate 'em all, so… 336 00:15:21,129 --> 00:15:22,047 [chuckles] 337 00:15:22,631 --> 00:15:26,093 ♪ Best friends make the best lovers ♪ 338 00:15:26,176 --> 00:15:28,303 Jeez, I can't get that song out of my head. 339 00:15:28,387 --> 00:15:30,305 You can't get Ali out of your head. 340 00:15:30,389 --> 00:15:32,182 [vagina] I can't get her out of my head either! 341 00:15:32,265 --> 00:15:34,434 I'm sorry, but do vaginas even have heads? 342 00:15:34,518 --> 00:15:36,770 Of course! I have my own little vagina too. 343 00:15:36,853 --> 00:15:38,814 And I have an even littler vagina. 344 00:15:38,897 --> 00:15:41,400 -This could go on forever! -[giggles] 345 00:15:41,483 --> 00:15:43,610 You know what else could go on forever? 346 00:15:43,694 --> 00:15:45,779 Your love for Ali! 347 00:15:45,862 --> 00:15:47,990 -What the hell is that? -It's a love scope. 348 00:15:48,073 --> 00:15:53,286 You look into it and see what your love life could be like in the future! 349 00:15:53,370 --> 00:15:55,539 Hey, hon. I got us both suits and sneakers 350 00:15:55,622 --> 00:15:57,958 for that radical social justice event tomorrow. 351 00:15:58,041 --> 00:16:01,253 Ooh! From President Megan Rapinoe's new streetwear brand? 352 00:16:01,336 --> 00:16:02,587 You Rapin-know it, babe. 353 00:16:02,671 --> 00:16:03,714 God, I love you. 354 00:16:03,797 --> 00:16:06,883 I'm gonna eat you out so attentively tonight. 355 00:16:06,967 --> 00:16:08,552 Not if I eat you out first. 356 00:16:08,635 --> 00:16:12,055 Wait a minute, what if we eat each other out at the same time? 357 00:16:12,139 --> 00:16:15,392 Okay, you're a vagenius. 358 00:16:15,475 --> 00:16:16,935 [kissing] 359 00:16:17,019 --> 00:16:20,480 -Wow! The future looks amazing. -[knock at door] 360 00:16:20,564 --> 00:16:22,774 [Ali] Hey, you in there? It's Ali! 361 00:16:22,858 --> 00:16:25,068 Holy shit. It's her! Now you can tell her you like her. 362 00:16:25,152 --> 00:16:27,362 Hi! I was just thinking about you. 363 00:16:27,446 --> 00:16:29,448 -Have you seen this shit? -What? 364 00:16:29,531 --> 00:16:31,533 We had "an erotic dalliance"? 365 00:16:31,616 --> 00:16:33,035 "Sluts of Instagram"? 366 00:16:33,118 --> 00:16:34,411 What the fuck? 367 00:16:34,494 --> 00:16:37,122 -[phone chimes] -Oh, shit. Guys, check this out! 368 00:16:37,205 --> 00:16:39,082 Ali and Jessi hooked up in jail! 369 00:16:39,166 --> 00:16:43,211 Oh, yeah, it's so hot when girls do gay. 370 00:16:43,295 --> 00:16:44,254 What the fuck? 371 00:16:44,337 --> 00:16:46,089 -Jessi likes Ali? -[bottle sloshes] 372 00:16:46,173 --> 00:16:48,008 -[grunts] -Damn. Sorry, dude. 373 00:16:48,091 --> 00:16:53,513 That sucks… that you're so fucking ugly you made Jessi gay! JK! JK, bro, JK! 374 00:16:53,597 --> 00:16:56,808 -That is not fucking funny! -Uh, it's funny. 375 00:16:56,892 --> 00:16:58,268 Hey! You're an old man, 376 00:16:58,351 --> 00:17:00,187 -and nobody talks about it. -[grunts] 377 00:17:00,270 --> 00:17:03,106 Old man's about to whup your ass, young blood! 378 00:17:03,190 --> 00:17:06,568 -[both grunt] -I'm gonna fucking kill you! 379 00:17:06,651 --> 00:17:07,861 [sobbing] 380 00:17:07,944 --> 00:17:09,571 Jay, you're weeping. 381 00:17:09,654 --> 00:17:11,073 Oh, hey, Andrew. 382 00:17:11,156 --> 00:17:14,785 Don't mind me, I just want to throw myself into a meat grinder 383 00:17:14,868 --> 00:17:16,328 and get turned into a nugget. 384 00:17:16,411 --> 00:17:19,331 Oh, it seems to me like you need a soul cleansing. 385 00:17:19,414 --> 00:17:21,249 How about a nice sound bath? 386 00:17:21,333 --> 00:17:22,626 [humming] Nong… 387 00:17:22,709 --> 00:17:26,254 -Jay, gong sound, gong… -No! Wait! What? No! Stop it! 388 00:17:26,338 --> 00:17:27,547 I hate baths! 389 00:17:27,631 --> 00:17:30,133 Hey, Andrew, I think this jacked little walnut 390 00:17:30,217 --> 00:17:32,594 might just want somebody to listen to him. 391 00:17:32,677 --> 00:17:36,515 Oh, yeah. Right. Okay. Sorry, Jay. What's making you weep? 392 00:17:36,598 --> 00:17:41,061 Okay, well, um, I've been secretly sucking face with Charles Lu. 393 00:17:41,144 --> 00:17:43,605 Whoa! Charles is gay? And what about Gina? 394 00:17:43,688 --> 00:17:45,690 -Isn't Charles way out of your league? -What? 395 00:17:45,774 --> 00:17:48,860 Hey, Andy. Shh. Try listening without judgment. 396 00:17:48,944 --> 00:17:52,322 Remember, you're the dude who pulled Lars out of a wheelchair. 397 00:17:52,405 --> 00:17:54,032 How do you know that, Simon Sex? 398 00:17:54,116 --> 00:17:57,035 Oh, Maury tells me everything, and I listen. 399 00:17:57,119 --> 00:17:59,204 Because you're a good friend with great hair. 400 00:17:59,287 --> 00:18:01,373 You look like a groovy panther. 401 00:18:01,456 --> 00:18:05,085 Yeah! And you look like a bunch of penises. [chuckles] 402 00:18:05,168 --> 00:18:08,171 Yeah, I think the mushrooms are starting to kick in. 403 00:18:08,255 --> 00:18:09,631 And they're gone. 404 00:18:09,714 --> 00:18:12,801 Jay, I'm ready to listen. Tell me more about Charles Lu. 405 00:18:12,884 --> 00:18:16,513 Well, it's super hot when he uses his tongue to fuck my mouth, 406 00:18:16,596 --> 00:18:19,349 but he won't use it to fuck my mind. 407 00:18:19,432 --> 00:18:21,268 Okay, so what I'm hearing is 408 00:18:21,351 --> 00:18:24,771 you want someone you can talk to and who cares about you? 409 00:18:24,855 --> 00:18:28,900 Aw! When you put it that way, I sound fucking lame! 410 00:18:28,984 --> 00:18:30,235 Please don't tell anyone! 411 00:18:30,318 --> 00:18:34,531 No, no, no. Boys need connection too. That's what I've been saying all night. 412 00:18:34,614 --> 00:18:37,617 Yeah, I know. You've been really annoying. 413 00:18:37,701 --> 00:18:38,660 [sighs] 414 00:18:38,743 --> 00:18:39,953 I miss Lola. 415 00:18:40,036 --> 00:18:42,998 She's such a special person. Please agree. 416 00:18:43,081 --> 00:18:43,915 No, I can't. 417 00:18:43,999 --> 00:18:47,961 The point is, it's okay if you want more than what you're getting from Charles. 418 00:18:48,044 --> 00:18:49,921 -It is? -Of course. 419 00:18:50,005 --> 00:18:52,674 Wow, you're a really good listener, Andrew. 420 00:18:52,757 --> 00:18:55,260 -I don't even wanna strangle you anymore. -[grunts] 421 00:18:55,343 --> 00:18:58,555 Dude, I said, "JK." Why are you freaking out? 422 00:18:58,638 --> 00:19:00,307 'Cause you're a fucking asshole! 423 00:19:00,390 --> 00:19:01,975 Finish him! 424 00:19:02,058 --> 00:19:03,059 Ow! 425 00:19:03,143 --> 00:19:04,853 My irregular foot! 426 00:19:04,936 --> 00:19:09,941 -Oh, my God, Lump, are you okay? -I-I-I'm fine. For men, pain is knowledge. 427 00:19:10,025 --> 00:19:13,653 Oh, my nose won't stop bleeding. I--I think you broke it! 428 00:19:13,737 --> 00:19:15,822 Oh, buddy. I'm here for you. 429 00:19:15,906 --> 00:19:17,741 What, to fucking cum with me? 430 00:19:17,824 --> 00:19:21,453 I don't want to have a "group drain" with you, or any of you assholes. 431 00:19:21,536 --> 00:19:22,370 I'm out of here. 432 00:19:22,454 --> 00:19:24,789 He doesn't want to talk about his feelings! 433 00:19:24,873 --> 00:19:27,792 -[shatters] -Because from now on, he only has one: 434 00:19:27,876 --> 00:19:31,838 white-hot, tiny-fisted fury! 435 00:19:31,922 --> 00:19:34,424 Ooh! My thingy fell off. [burps] 436 00:19:34,507 --> 00:19:36,301 Fuck you, thingy. 437 00:19:36,384 --> 00:19:38,929 People online are going crazy over your rumor. 438 00:19:39,012 --> 00:19:41,890 [Devin chuckles] Wow, Jessi equals other woman. 439 00:19:41,973 --> 00:19:45,352 So sad to see that I am the only true feminist at school. 440 00:19:45,435 --> 00:19:47,854 [Lump] Please show pictures of jail gay. 441 00:19:47,938 --> 00:19:49,856 [Devon] Fire emoji, fire emoji, fire emoji. 442 00:19:49,940 --> 00:19:52,442 [Lola] Oh, my God! 443 00:19:52,525 --> 00:19:55,570 [chuckles] Okay, these comments are giving me life. 444 00:19:55,654 --> 00:19:57,113 Sorry I'm late, darling. 445 00:19:57,197 --> 00:19:59,074 There was a sale at Victoria's Secret. 446 00:19:59,157 --> 00:20:02,327 I was running low on thongs that disintegrate the moment I get my period. 447 00:20:02,410 --> 00:20:03,828 That place is trash. 448 00:20:03,912 --> 00:20:05,205 Angels wearing underwear? 449 00:20:05,288 --> 00:20:07,374 I'm not wearing a fucking bra in the afterlife. 450 00:20:07,457 --> 00:20:10,210 -Oh! Cute hate worm. -Aw, thank you! 451 00:20:10,293 --> 00:20:12,003 Wait, wait, wait. What kind of worm? 452 00:20:12,087 --> 00:20:13,713 A hate worm. You knew that. 453 00:20:13,797 --> 00:20:15,257 No, I did not! 454 00:20:15,340 --> 00:20:18,260 I'm not the kind of person who hates people! 455 00:20:18,343 --> 00:20:20,262 [chuckles] Well, not people. Jessi. 456 00:20:20,345 --> 00:20:21,554 But hate is so ugly! 457 00:20:21,638 --> 00:20:22,472 No, it's not! 458 00:20:22,555 --> 00:20:26,768 Martin Luther King hated discrimination, and he changed the fabric of our country. 459 00:20:26,851 --> 00:20:28,979 Do you think Martin Luther King was stupid? 460 00:20:29,062 --> 00:20:30,146 Obviously not! 461 00:20:30,230 --> 00:20:31,481 He was a doctor! 462 00:20:31,564 --> 00:20:35,110 Hate could be good. It protects you from bad things and people that hurt you. 463 00:20:35,193 --> 00:20:37,529 Well, Jessi did hurt me. 464 00:20:37,612 --> 00:20:40,782 And you want to hurt her too, right? I mean, that's why we made up the rumor. 465 00:20:40,865 --> 00:20:43,493 Wow. I guess I do hate Jessi. 466 00:20:43,576 --> 00:20:45,412 Come on. Say it like you mean it. 467 00:20:45,495 --> 00:20:47,497 You know she deserves your hate. 468 00:20:47,580 --> 00:20:49,833 [snaps fingers] Hey, hey! You're nothing! 469 00:20:49,916 --> 00:20:52,085 I hate you, Jessi Glazer! 470 00:20:52,168 --> 00:20:56,840 I hate your face and your fucking attitude and your awful last name. 471 00:20:56,923 --> 00:20:59,509 I wish ill upon you! 472 00:20:59,592 --> 00:21:01,720 That's right! Now, finish her! 473 00:21:01,803 --> 00:21:02,804 [yells] 474 00:21:02,887 --> 00:21:05,890 Oh, my God! I didn't think that that was gonna happen. 475 00:21:05,974 --> 00:21:08,018 -[retches] -[hate worm] Ugh! 476 00:21:08,101 --> 00:21:09,602 I can't believe this. 477 00:21:09,686 --> 00:21:11,771 I know! It's fucked! 478 00:21:11,855 --> 00:21:13,982 People are gonna think I cheated on Samira. 479 00:21:14,065 --> 00:21:16,401 Samira's gonna think I cheated on Samira. 480 00:21:16,484 --> 00:21:18,778 Oh, God, I didn't think about that. 481 00:21:18,862 --> 00:21:20,488 That's 'cause you're busy thinking about 482 00:21:20,572 --> 00:21:23,158 mashing your boobies up against her boobies 483 00:21:23,241 --> 00:21:25,827 until all four become one big tit. 484 00:21:25,910 --> 00:21:28,663 I don't think she wants to form a super-tit right now. 485 00:21:28,747 --> 00:21:30,206 She seems legit upset. 486 00:21:30,290 --> 00:21:32,292 But you're still gonna tell her you like her, right? 487 00:21:32,375 --> 00:21:34,878 What about all that good shit we saw on the Love Scope? 488 00:21:34,961 --> 00:21:38,048 Well, should we take another look to see what else can happen? 489 00:21:38,673 --> 00:21:39,632 [clicks, whooshes] 490 00:21:40,133 --> 00:21:41,468 Hey, I'm in love with you. 491 00:21:41,551 --> 00:21:42,886 Oh, what the fuck? 492 00:21:42,969 --> 00:21:45,055 I know! It surprised me too. 493 00:21:45,138 --> 00:21:47,599 Dude! Are you seriously trying to get with me right now? 494 00:21:47,682 --> 00:21:49,351 But we're so good together. 495 00:21:49,434 --> 00:21:52,771 Best friends make the best lovers. Here, let me sing you a song. 496 00:21:52,854 --> 00:21:55,065 Oh, my God! You sound just like Nick! 497 00:21:55,148 --> 00:21:55,982 Don't say that! 498 00:21:56,066 --> 00:21:58,360 I definitely don't want to be your lover, Jessi. 499 00:21:58,443 --> 00:22:00,653 And now, I don't even want to be your friend. 500 00:22:00,737 --> 00:22:02,697 -[slams door] -Shit, that's terrible. 501 00:22:02,781 --> 00:22:06,534 Yeah, but it's what could happen, right? No one says it's definitely gonna happen. 502 00:22:06,618 --> 00:22:10,705 I mean, remember President Rapinoe and the attentive cunnilingus? Huh? 503 00:22:10,789 --> 00:22:12,457 It's not worth risking it. 504 00:22:12,540 --> 00:22:14,292 I love her too much as a friend. 505 00:22:14,376 --> 00:22:16,836 Oh, well, fuck you. That's beautiful. 506 00:22:16,920 --> 00:22:20,006 Hey, I'm so sorry about that rumor. 507 00:22:20,090 --> 00:22:22,258 Do you want me to tell Samira it's not true? 508 00:22:22,342 --> 00:22:26,012 Well, Samira said she'd rather get a yeast infection in her armpit 509 00:22:26,096 --> 00:22:28,014 than ever talk to you again, so… 510 00:22:28,098 --> 00:22:29,849 -Oh. -But I appreciate the offer. 511 00:22:29,933 --> 00:22:31,810 You're a really good friend. I love you. 512 00:22:31,893 --> 00:22:33,019 I love you too. 513 00:22:33,103 --> 00:22:35,313 I'm really glad I don't have to go through this alone. 514 00:22:35,397 --> 00:22:37,273 So I guess that's that, huh? 515 00:22:37,357 --> 00:22:40,485 At least for now. I mean, being a couple could have been amazing, 516 00:22:40,568 --> 00:22:42,404 but this is pretty great too, right? 517 00:22:42,487 --> 00:22:44,197 [sighs] She's a good friend. 518 00:22:44,280 --> 00:22:47,242 Good friend with a hot little body and nice lips, 519 00:22:47,325 --> 00:22:48,993 but I won't bring that up ever again. 520 00:22:49,077 --> 00:22:52,038 Except to say let's kiss her on the mouth. I'm sorry! That's it. 521 00:22:52,122 --> 00:22:53,123 She's got a good butt. 522 00:22:53,706 --> 00:22:55,792 -[grunts] -Uh, hey, guys, check it out. 523 00:22:55,875 --> 00:22:57,627 Now, I'm Limp Himpman. [chuckles] 524 00:22:57,710 --> 00:23:00,797 -Limp, please go to the hospital. -I won't. 525 00:23:00,880 --> 00:23:01,965 [Lump chuckles] 526 00:23:02,048 --> 00:23:03,049 [sighs] 527 00:23:03,133 --> 00:23:04,509 Hey, you've got this. 528 00:23:04,592 --> 00:23:05,927 Hey, Charles, can we talk? 529 00:23:06,010 --> 00:23:07,887 I guess, make it quick. 530 00:23:07,971 --> 00:23:10,181 It's about us. It's kind of important. 531 00:23:11,099 --> 00:23:12,475 Okay, uh… 532 00:23:12,559 --> 00:23:14,227 Let me just start by saying 533 00:23:14,310 --> 00:23:18,148 I have zero moral problems with you cheating on Gina with me. 534 00:23:18,231 --> 00:23:19,566 I love cheating. 535 00:23:19,649 --> 00:23:20,942 It's in my blood. 536 00:23:21,025 --> 00:23:23,945 -Along with quite a lot of lead. -What? 537 00:23:24,028 --> 00:23:27,282 I guess what I'm trying to say is, I like hooking up, 538 00:23:27,365 --> 00:23:31,995 but I also need a massive emotional investment from you. 539 00:23:32,078 --> 00:23:33,121 Uh, no? 540 00:23:33,204 --> 00:23:34,998 Sure. Okay. 541 00:23:35,081 --> 00:23:41,337 Well, then I don't think I can be your sidepiece anymore. 542 00:23:41,421 --> 00:23:43,047 -Okay. -Uh, cool, man! 543 00:23:43,131 --> 00:23:45,425 Uh, see you in social studies. 544 00:23:45,508 --> 00:23:47,385 Oh, I'm sorry, Jay. 545 00:23:47,469 --> 00:23:50,597 That did not work out at all, but you know what? 546 00:23:50,680 --> 00:23:52,307 -I'm proud of you. -[sighs] 547 00:23:52,390 --> 00:23:54,225 Thanks, Andrew. Let's go home. 548 00:23:54,309 --> 00:23:55,810 -Look at that. -Wow. 549 00:23:55,894 --> 00:23:57,729 Those boys are really connecting. 550 00:23:57,812 --> 00:24:00,607 I don't remember Andrew being so blue. 551 00:24:00,690 --> 00:24:03,401 Hey, Jay, when you get home, you gonna Smurf off? 552 00:24:03,485 --> 00:24:04,319 Oh, yeah! 553 00:24:04,402 --> 00:24:06,237 I'm gonna Smurf into my little white hat 554 00:24:06,321 --> 00:24:08,198 then huck it out the window of my mushroom house. 555 00:24:08,281 --> 00:24:10,325 -That is so sweet. -So beautiful. 556 00:24:10,408 --> 00:24:12,619 -I love mushrooms. -Yeah, baby. 557 00:24:12,702 --> 00:24:13,703 [both laugh] 558 00:24:14,287 --> 00:24:17,123 Why didn't Jessi just tell me that she liked Ali? 559 00:24:17,207 --> 00:24:19,501 Because she's a heartless wench 560 00:24:19,584 --> 00:24:20,877 and she gets off 561 00:24:20,960 --> 00:24:23,379 -on publicly humiliating you. -[thuds, shatters] 562 00:24:23,463 --> 00:24:25,340 I can't believe I ever loved her. 563 00:24:25,423 --> 00:24:29,886 Well, you certainly don't love her anymore. 564 00:24:29,969 --> 00:24:31,429 -[grunts] -[church bell tolls] 565 00:24:31,513 --> 00:24:32,639 Walter, are you okay? 566 00:24:32,722 --> 00:24:34,474 I think he's dead, man! 567 00:24:34,557 --> 00:24:36,392 And his nipples are hard. 568 00:24:36,476 --> 00:24:37,727 That's interesting. 569 00:24:37,810 --> 00:24:38,853 Oh, God! 570 00:24:38,937 --> 00:24:42,398 [typing] Wow. How selfish of Jessi and Ali. 571 00:24:42,482 --> 00:24:45,360 -I hope Samira's doing okay. -[laughs] 572 00:24:45,443 --> 00:24:47,654 Feigned sympathy for the ex-girlfriend. 573 00:24:47,737 --> 00:24:49,781 [chuckles] Diabolical, baby. 574 00:24:49,864 --> 00:24:51,658 Haters gonna hate. [chuckles] 575 00:24:51,741 --> 00:24:54,619 You know what might be fun? Reply from Dr. PlainTalk. 576 00:24:54,702 --> 00:24:56,621 [gasps] Love that! 577 00:24:56,704 --> 00:24:59,415 You'd think after having her home wrecked, 578 00:24:59,499 --> 00:25:01,960 -Jessi wouldn't be a home-wrecker. -Mm-hmm! 579 00:25:02,043 --> 00:25:06,714 -#HornyHypocrite, #ChildOfDivorce. -[all laugh] 580 00:25:06,798 --> 00:25:09,968 Missy, we are gonna have so much fun together! 581 00:25:10,051 --> 00:25:13,846 [shudders] Ooh-hoo! Jouhari! That feels weird! 582 00:25:13,930 --> 00:25:15,265 But I like it. 583 00:25:15,348 --> 00:25:16,432 Yeah, you do! 584 00:25:16,516 --> 00:25:18,434 -[groans] -How you doin', Connie? 585 00:25:18,518 --> 00:25:19,561 I'll be okay. 586 00:25:19,644 --> 00:25:22,397 I just thought we'd be knuckle-deep into Ali by now. 587 00:25:22,480 --> 00:25:25,358 I gotta learn not to count my pussies before they snatch. 588 00:25:25,441 --> 00:25:28,194 I never thought I'd be trying to snatch pussies. 589 00:25:28,278 --> 00:25:30,363 I always thought I was more of a dick farmer. 590 00:25:30,446 --> 00:25:33,116 You don't have to figure it all out right now. 591 00:25:33,199 --> 00:25:34,200 You're still young. 592 00:25:34,284 --> 00:25:37,412 And that's the beauty of modern agriculture. 593 00:25:37,495 --> 00:25:39,789 You can cultivate pussies and dicks. 594 00:25:39,872 --> 00:25:41,833 That's right, honey. Let's take a look. 595 00:25:41,916 --> 00:25:42,834 [clicks, whooshes] 596 00:25:43,293 --> 00:25:44,210 [Jessi grunts] 597 00:25:44,294 --> 00:25:47,380 The dicks sure are coming in real nice this year. 598 00:25:47,463 --> 00:25:48,548 Very veiny! 599 00:25:48,631 --> 00:25:51,426 Yeah! And the pussies are looking plump too! 600 00:25:51,509 --> 00:25:53,177 Ooh, yeah, love that color. 601 00:25:53,261 --> 00:25:55,847 -Mm, I bet they're sweet as sugar. -[bell ringing] 602 00:25:55,930 --> 00:25:59,684 Come on in, guys! We're servin' asshole for dinner! 603 00:25:59,767 --> 00:26:01,978 Ooh! It's sloppy asshole night. 604 00:26:02,061 --> 00:26:03,104 Race you there! 605 00:26:03,187 --> 00:26:05,189 [upbeat country folk music plays] 606 00:26:06,816 --> 00:26:10,570 ♪ Best friends make the best lovers ♪ 607 00:26:10,653 --> 00:26:13,239 ♪ Bangin' with your buddy's the best ♪ 608 00:26:13,781 --> 00:26:18,202 ♪ When you've got love and affection Underneath the covers ♪ 609 00:26:18,286 --> 00:26:20,997 ♪ Baby, you'll forget the rest ♪ 610 00:26:23,750 --> 00:26:27,337 ♪ Some lovers Might feed your primal need ♪ 611 00:26:27,420 --> 00:26:30,632 ♪ But they'll leave you With a dull remorse ♪ 612 00:26:31,257 --> 00:26:35,136 ♪ But when you're getting slutty With your number-one buddy ♪ 613 00:26:35,219 --> 00:26:39,641 ♪ It's the best of both worlds It's a powerful force ♪ 614 00:26:41,309 --> 00:26:45,063 ♪ Best friends make the best lovers ♪ 615 00:26:45,146 --> 00:26:47,565 ♪ Satisfaction to your core ♪ 616 00:26:53,363 --> 00:26:54,280 [song ends]