1
00:00:07,717 --> 00:00:09,594
[oven heating]

2
00:00:09,677 --> 00:00:13,556
Come on! Are ya golden brown yet,
you lazy son of a bitch?

3
00:00:13,639 --> 00:00:15,391
It is a beautiful turkey, Marty.

4
00:00:15,475 --> 00:00:17,226
Hey, Barbara, don't compliment the bird.

5
00:00:17,310 --> 00:00:20,897
It'll get complacent and dry
and disappoint me for years.

6
00:00:20,980 --> 00:00:24,567
-Ooh, speaking of… Andrew!
-[pants] Dad, you screamed?

7
00:00:24,650 --> 00:00:27,612
Help me load this masterpiece
into the Zappos box.

8
00:00:27,695 --> 00:00:29,572
Uh, it kind of feels wrong

9
00:00:29,655 --> 00:00:32,617
to bring an uninvited turkey
to the Birch's Thanksgiving.

10
00:00:32,700 --> 00:00:33,576
What, are you kidding?

11
00:00:33,659 --> 00:00:35,453
When they taste my juicy bird,

12
00:00:35,536 --> 00:00:37,622
they're gonna crown me
king of Thanksgiving.

13
00:00:37,705 --> 00:00:39,582
Now get in the car, Prince Fat Ass.

14
00:00:39,665 --> 00:00:44,921
Ooh, I like that name, Prince Fat Ass,
and I bow to your mushy tushy.

15
00:00:45,004 --> 00:00:47,215
-[grunts]
-Wait, oh, wait! Not the trunk.

16
00:00:47,298 --> 00:00:49,467
Can't I please just hold the turkey
in the back seat?

17
00:00:49,550 --> 00:00:52,887
What? And get hot grease all over
the ultra suede?! You out of your mind?

18
00:00:52,970 --> 00:00:54,847
Maury, aren't you gonna
get in the trunk with me?

19
00:00:54,931 --> 00:00:58,267
Oh, I'd love to squeeze in there
next to your dad's sandals,

20
00:00:58,351 --> 00:01:00,061
but I've got a touch football game.

21
00:01:00,144 --> 00:01:02,396
John Wayne Bobbitt's
picking me up in ten minutes.

22
00:01:02,480 --> 00:01:04,524
-What?
-Turn on your headlamp, idiot!

23
00:01:04,607 --> 00:01:07,860
-And keep that turkey upright.
-Dad, no! Mommy!

24
00:01:07,944 --> 00:01:09,904
[Barbara] Take shallow breaths, Andrew!

25
00:01:09,987 --> 00:01:12,240
["Changes" by Charles Bradley plays]

26
00:01:12,323 --> 00:01:17,829
♪ I'm going through changes ♪

27
00:01:21,833 --> 00:01:27,296
♪ I'm going through changes ♪

28
00:01:28,089 --> 00:01:30,091
♪ Oh, in my life ♪

29
00:01:31,634 --> 00:01:34,720
♪ Oh! Ooh! Ooh! ♪

30
00:01:43,229 --> 00:01:47,441
Bridgeton Middle is proud to welcome
the inspiration for our new mascot,

31
00:01:47,525 --> 00:01:49,026
Steven Van Zandt!

32
00:01:49,110 --> 00:01:52,780
All right, girls, I'm gonna let you
shake my Steven Van hands.

33
00:01:52,864 --> 00:01:55,867
And now, the car will take me
straight to the airport.

34
00:01:55,950 --> 00:01:57,535
-[sighs]
-I can't believe

35
00:01:57,618 --> 00:01:59,871
Jessi and Ali got to meet Little Steven!

36
00:01:59,954 --> 00:02:04,709
[moans] What I wouldn't give to have
his meaty jowls buried in my gabagool.

37
00:02:04,792 --> 00:02:08,546
I don't want to think about Jessi,
or Ali, or your gabagool.

38
00:02:08,629 --> 00:02:11,465
I'm just jazzed because
my cousins are coming for Thanksgiving!

39
00:02:11,549 --> 00:02:13,426
Ooh, the Hotlanta crew!

40
00:02:13,509 --> 00:02:17,638
There's something about your cousin Lena
that makes me want to fall on my back

41
00:02:17,722 --> 00:02:20,141
-and open my vulva to the sky!
-[doorbell rings]

42
00:02:20,224 --> 00:02:22,393
Ah! Oh, boy! Oh, boy!
Oh, boy! They're here!

43
00:02:22,476 --> 00:02:24,437
-[kisses]
-What's up, Uncle Urkel?

44
00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:26,189
-[laughs]
-I would take exception,

45
00:02:26,272 --> 00:02:27,982
but family matters.

46
00:02:28,065 --> 00:02:30,193
[as Steve Urkel] Did I
just make that joke?

47
00:02:30,276 --> 00:02:31,611
Oh, God, no!

48
00:02:31,694 --> 00:02:32,570
Hey, guys!

49
00:02:32,653 --> 00:02:33,779
Hey, baby cuz!

50
00:02:33,863 --> 00:02:38,034
Ooh-hoo! Look at those braids,
you haven't gotten them redone.

51
00:02:38,117 --> 00:02:40,244
-[chuckles]
-What? You have to get them redone?

52
00:02:40,328 --> 00:02:41,913
But they hurt so much the first time.

53
00:02:41,996 --> 00:02:44,874
Missy, your braids are a struggle.
Look at your edges.

54
00:02:44,957 --> 00:02:47,585
She out here looking like
Frederick motherfucking Douglass.

55
00:02:47,668 --> 00:02:49,587
Okay, thank you for the compliment.

56
00:02:49,670 --> 00:02:51,130
He was a great abolitionist.

57
00:02:51,214 --> 00:02:53,299
I hope everyone brought their appetite.

58
00:02:53,382 --> 00:02:56,802
I made mashed cauliflower,
Brussels sprouts with tempeh gravy…

59
00:02:56,886 --> 00:02:57,929
What's tempeh?

60
00:02:58,012 --> 00:02:59,680
…and a tofurkey with acorn gravy.

61
00:02:59,764 --> 00:03:01,265
My baby laid it down! [smacks]

62
00:03:01,349 --> 00:03:06,187
Oh, and I almost forgot.
For dessert, a carob pie!

63
00:03:06,270 --> 00:03:11,525
[both] ♪ Carob pie! Carob pie!
A piece for you and a piece for I ♪

64
00:03:11,609 --> 00:03:14,904
-Oh, my God. They are--
-The whitest Black people on the planet?

65
00:03:14,987 --> 00:03:17,406
You know what?
I think we should take "the walk."

66
00:03:17,490 --> 00:03:18,449
Eyebrows, eyebrows.

67
00:03:18,532 --> 00:03:20,284
Oh, oh, yeah. "The walk."

68
00:03:20,368 --> 00:03:22,703
I want to get
some of that fresh Northeast air.

69
00:03:22,787 --> 00:03:23,621
Double eyebrows.

70
00:03:23,704 --> 00:03:26,123
What kind of eyebrows
are you guys talking about?

71
00:03:26,207 --> 00:03:28,251
Just put your coat on, Questlove.

72
00:03:29,085 --> 00:03:31,587
Oh, God, here comes
the speed bump on Ogden Avenue.

73
00:03:31,671 --> 00:03:32,505
-[thuds]
-Ow!

74
00:03:32,588 --> 00:03:35,049
-[male voice] Hola. Hi.
-Fuck, who's speaking? Who said that?

75
00:03:35,132 --> 00:03:38,094
Oh, no, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to startle you.

76
00:03:38,177 --> 00:03:39,303
A talking turkey?

77
00:03:39,387 --> 00:03:41,889
Well, I am a turkey,
but my name is Fernando.

78
00:03:41,973 --> 00:03:43,474
Nice to meet you, Fernando.

79
00:03:43,557 --> 00:03:45,518
Welcome to the trunk
of my dad's brown car.

80
00:03:45,601 --> 00:03:48,396
Oh, you're so polite.
When your father was basting me,

81
00:03:48,479 --> 00:03:50,481
he called me a flightless bastard

82
00:03:50,564 --> 00:03:52,900
unworthy of the sack of lemons
plugging my asshole.

83
00:03:52,984 --> 00:03:56,737
Yeah, he once told me he regrets
crapping me out of his balls.

84
00:03:56,821 --> 00:03:59,448
Ay, Dios mío.
You need to stand up for yourself.

85
00:03:59,532 --> 00:04:02,159
Hey, you know what would
drive my dad really crazy?

86
00:04:02,243 --> 00:04:04,787
-Paying someone to wash his car?
-Well, we can't go that far.

87
00:04:04,870 --> 00:04:07,999
But I was thinking,
what if I refuse to eat you?

88
00:04:08,082 --> 00:04:09,959
I mean, obviously, I love that idea.

89
00:04:10,042 --> 00:04:13,004
Yes. Prince Fat Ass is going to topple

90
00:04:13,087 --> 00:04:14,755
-the mighty king-- Oh, Jesus!
-[thuds]

91
00:04:14,839 --> 00:04:15,798
-Oh! Oh!
-[barking]

92
00:04:15,881 --> 00:04:16,841
That's right, Luda.

93
00:04:16,924 --> 00:04:20,553
This Thanksgiving,
we're going house-to-house burgling food,

94
00:04:20,636 --> 00:04:25,933
and nobody's gonna give a fuck because
Santa's allowed to break and enter.

95
00:04:26,017 --> 00:04:28,019
Ho, ho, ho, ho.

96
00:04:28,102 --> 00:04:29,645
[barks] Brrawr. Brear. Brear.

97
00:04:29,729 --> 00:04:33,482
Year. Why have none of my kids
called me this year?

98
00:04:34,066 --> 00:04:37,778
Mmm, Greg,
these Trader Joe's tacos are scrumptious.

99
00:04:37,862 --> 00:04:40,948
My secret is I ignore the instructions
and just freestyle.

100
00:04:41,032 --> 00:04:43,034
I like to jam band the tacos.

101
00:04:43,117 --> 00:04:47,079
Oh! "Jam band the tacos."
[chuckles] That sounds like a good time.

102
00:04:47,163 --> 00:04:49,999
-[laughs]
-Jessi! Tacos means vaginas.

103
00:04:50,082 --> 00:04:52,376
That's the first thing they teach
at hormone monster school.

104
00:04:52,460 --> 00:04:54,879
Mom, what's wrong with you?
Why are you so happy?

105
00:04:54,962 --> 00:04:58,257
I didn't mean to upset you
by being in a good mood.

106
00:04:58,341 --> 00:05:01,052
-Teenage girls. Am I right, Caitlin?
-Totally.

107
00:05:01,135 --> 00:05:03,596
Greg, you have a little…
[chuckles] …schmutz in your hair.

108
00:05:03,679 --> 00:05:06,807
Oh, yeah. There was an aioli explosion
in the storage room at work.

109
00:05:06,891 --> 00:05:08,642
-It's all right, I got it.
-Thank you.

110
00:05:08,726 --> 00:05:12,229
I'm actually not feeling too well.
I'm gonna go lay down for a minute.

111
00:05:12,313 --> 00:05:13,230
Ooh!

112
00:05:13,314 --> 00:05:16,650
Cheese Girl's sick of watching
your parents' fuck vibes.

113
00:05:16,734 --> 00:05:18,611
-"Fuck vibes"?
-I don't know, Connie.

114
00:05:18,694 --> 00:05:21,280
I'm feeling, maybe, "love vibes."

115
00:05:21,364 --> 00:05:23,866
You don't think they're gonna,
like, get back together, do you?

116
00:05:23,949 --> 00:05:27,119
Yes! Mommy and Daddy are in love again!

117
00:05:27,203 --> 00:05:30,664
They're gonna fuck, and you're
gonna listen, and you're gonna learn.

118
00:05:30,748 --> 00:05:32,166
Sure. That.

119
00:05:32,249 --> 00:05:35,378
But also,
you guys would be a family again.

120
00:05:35,461 --> 00:05:37,546
Like the Juggalos. Whoop-whoop!

121
00:05:38,172 --> 00:05:40,049
Greg, what's happening?

122
00:05:40,132 --> 00:05:42,218
-Oh, I think you know.
-[kisses]

123
00:05:42,301 --> 00:05:45,638
Guys, what are you doing?
Caitlin's in the other room.

124
00:05:45,721 --> 00:05:47,431
-Oh, good call.
-What?

125
00:05:47,515 --> 00:05:49,809
I'm gonna kill Caitlin.
Isn't that what you wanted?

126
00:05:49,892 --> 00:05:51,310
Yes, but not literally!

127
00:05:51,394 --> 00:05:53,312
Too late. I already pulled the pin.
[grunts]

128
00:05:53,396 --> 00:05:55,523
Let's get out of here before it blows.

129
00:05:55,606 --> 00:05:57,066
-[grunts]
-[Shannon screams]

130
00:05:57,149 --> 00:06:00,736
We're floating away in our old house.
This is incredible.

131
00:06:00,820 --> 00:06:02,238
How-- How is this even happening?

132
00:06:02,321 --> 00:06:05,783
-I stopped eating edibles.
-And I stopped eating pussy, sweetie.

133
00:06:05,866 --> 00:06:06,951
Oh, okay. Wow.

134
00:06:07,034 --> 00:06:10,037
Damn, I didn't realize
how much we wanted this.

135
00:06:10,121 --> 00:06:12,706
-Yeah.
-Too bad none of it's real. [grunts]

136
00:06:12,790 --> 00:06:14,417
Ow! That fucking hurt.

137
00:06:14,500 --> 00:06:17,002
-Shut up! Little baby.
-[laughs] Oh, Greg!

138
00:06:17,086 --> 00:06:18,921
They do seem really happy.

139
00:06:19,004 --> 00:06:22,425
Yeah, but how do we
get Shannon to stop eatin' pussy?

140
00:06:22,508 --> 00:06:24,385
It's so good.

141
00:06:24,468 --> 00:06:29,056
Oh… Oh, Jessi, my heart.
My heart, it hurts!

142
00:06:29,140 --> 00:06:31,475
Did he get bitten by a Dracula?

143
00:06:31,559 --> 00:06:34,895
No! He's the victim of unrequited love.

144
00:06:34,979 --> 00:06:36,814
Our hearts are shattered!

145
00:06:36,897 --> 00:06:40,651
Shattered? Maybe we should
get that fixed at the Genius Bar.

146
00:06:40,734 --> 00:06:43,904
No, we didn't get AppleCare. Remember?

147
00:06:43,988 --> 00:06:45,823
-[crying] Jessi!
-Jessi!

148
00:06:45,906 --> 00:06:47,783
[Rick] AppleCare!

149
00:06:47,867 --> 00:06:51,871
Oh, sweetheart, we are so excited
to meet your new boyfriend.

150
00:06:51,954 --> 00:06:55,499
Is he the one, Leah?
Is he the one you'll love your whole life?

151
00:06:55,583 --> 00:06:57,543
-Tell me you have no doubts.
-[doorbell rings]

152
00:06:57,626 --> 00:06:59,086
-Ooh! I'll get it!
-No, I'll get it!

153
00:06:59,170 --> 00:07:02,840
-[Marty] Out of my way, Nick's sister!
-Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!

154
00:07:02,923 --> 00:07:05,426
I'd like to apologize in advance
for everything.

155
00:07:05,509 --> 00:07:07,011
We brought the good turkey!

156
00:07:07,094 --> 00:07:09,054
Oh, how rude of me, of course.

157
00:07:09,138 --> 00:07:10,473
Into the garbage with you!

158
00:07:10,556 --> 00:07:12,808
Wait till you taste this juicy bird!

159
00:07:12,892 --> 00:07:14,518
You'll realize that none of you

160
00:07:14,602 --> 00:07:17,730
have ever accomplished anything
in your entire lives!

161
00:07:17,813 --> 00:07:20,441
-Hey, buddy. How's it going?
-[groans]

162
00:07:20,524 --> 00:07:21,358
I know.

163
00:07:21,442 --> 00:07:23,235
Jessi told you in no uncertain terms

164
00:07:23,319 --> 00:07:24,820
-that you're fucking dog shit.
-[sobs]

165
00:07:24,904 --> 00:07:27,239
But here's something
that'll make you feel better.

166
00:07:27,323 --> 00:07:29,950
-I'm not eating my father's turkey today.
-Why?

167
00:07:30,034 --> 00:07:33,579
Because I'm standing up for myself,
and I'm going at it sideways.

168
00:07:33,662 --> 00:07:34,497
Okay.

169
00:07:34,580 --> 00:07:37,249
Hey! I'm back. You missed
a hell of a touch football game.

170
00:07:37,333 --> 00:07:38,626
O.J.'s still got it.

171
00:07:38,709 --> 00:07:39,668
O.J. Simpson?

172
00:07:39,752 --> 00:07:42,963
Oh, yeah, it's me, the Juice,
Buttafuoco, Gillooly,

173
00:07:43,047 --> 00:07:44,590
all the '90s monsters.

174
00:07:44,673 --> 00:07:47,468
-Steven Seagal looks like shit.
-[doorbell rings]

175
00:07:47,551 --> 00:07:50,179
Ugh. That's probably Leah's new boyfriend.

176
00:07:50,262 --> 00:07:52,973
"Boyfriend"?
I thought you promised Leah to me.

177
00:07:53,057 --> 00:07:54,642
That sounds like a wet dream you had,

178
00:07:54,725 --> 00:07:56,519
and I told you
I don't want to be in those!

179
00:07:56,602 --> 00:07:58,687
Oh, Nick, I have no control.

180
00:07:59,271 --> 00:08:01,315
Well, hello, gentlemen.

181
00:08:01,398 --> 00:08:05,611
-What the fuck?
-Leah is dating Val Bilzerian?

182
00:08:05,694 --> 00:08:10,115
You know, Val's dad, Guy Bilzerian,
also plays in the '90s monsters game.

183
00:08:10,199 --> 00:08:12,284
-Do you know who he carpools with?
-Someone awful?

184
00:08:12,368 --> 00:08:13,452
No. No, no, no.

185
00:08:13,536 --> 00:08:14,828
Robert Durst.

186
00:08:15,913 --> 00:08:18,165
-[lighter clicks]
-Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa.

187
00:08:18,249 --> 00:08:21,293
Hello, hello. Hi. Is that real marijuana?

188
00:08:21,377 --> 00:08:22,753
Oh, God. It's weed.

189
00:08:22,836 --> 00:08:25,506
You know we gotta be high to eat
your mama's nasty-ass tree gravy.

190
00:08:25,589 --> 00:08:27,841
Cool. Totally cool.
Everything's cool here.

191
00:08:27,925 --> 00:08:31,679
It's just marijuana, the gateway drug,
as they say on the street.

192
00:08:31,762 --> 00:08:33,389
-Yo, Missy, you want to hit this?
-Ah!

193
00:08:33,472 --> 00:08:36,559
I'm not doing drugs because
I care deeply about my brain development!

194
00:08:36,642 --> 00:08:38,727
-[both laugh]
-We're fucking with you.

195
00:08:38,811 --> 00:08:40,854
You're our baby cousin.
We're not letting you smoke.

196
00:08:40,938 --> 00:08:43,983
Oh. [chuckles] What an insane
and totally unnecessary prank.

197
00:08:44,066 --> 00:08:45,401
You got me. Ha!

198
00:08:45,484 --> 00:08:47,361
So Missy Miss, how's school and shit?

199
00:08:47,444 --> 00:08:50,322
Well, let's see.
Uh, I started an affinity group,

200
00:08:50,406 --> 00:08:53,492
and my first project was to get rid
of the school's offensive mascot.

201
00:08:53,576 --> 00:08:54,994
Okay. Little Takiyah Thompson.

202
00:08:55,077 --> 00:08:57,413
But nobody listened to my 20-point plan--

203
00:08:57,496 --> 00:08:58,956
Twenty points? God damn!

204
00:08:59,039 --> 00:09:02,084
Missy! Baby boo! Why are you such a dork?

205
00:09:02,167 --> 00:09:04,169
Oh, I'm not a dork. I don't think.

206
00:09:04,253 --> 00:09:06,755
I'm just smart and passionate
and earnest and committed.

207
00:09:06,839 --> 00:09:08,591
She really is her daddy's daughter.

208
00:09:08,674 --> 00:09:10,884
-She a little baby Steve Urkel.
-[both laugh]

209
00:09:10,968 --> 00:09:14,138
Oh, shit, your cool cousins
also think you're a dork.

210
00:09:14,221 --> 00:09:16,348
Why do you say "also"? Who else does?

211
00:09:16,432 --> 00:09:18,851
Well, I do, and everyone at school.

212
00:09:18,934 --> 00:09:21,270
That's probably why
they didn't want to hear your plan,

213
00:09:21,353 --> 00:09:23,397
because nobody wants to listen to a dork.

214
00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:26,358
People listened to Obama. Barack Obama?

215
00:09:26,442 --> 00:09:28,193
Obama's not a dork!

216
00:09:28,277 --> 00:09:30,571
He ripped lines of coke
off the Harvard Law Review.

217
00:09:30,654 --> 00:09:34,825
Oh, yeah? Well, did Obama ever do this?
[inhales]

218
00:09:34,908 --> 00:09:36,201
-Yes! All the time!
-Shit!

219
00:09:36,285 --> 00:09:38,412
-[coughs]
-No! Why the fuck would you do that?

220
00:09:38,495 --> 00:09:39,997
Because I'm not a dork!

221
00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:43,584
I'm the first Black president
of these United States.

222
00:09:43,667 --> 00:09:46,837
And my wife is even cooler than me!
[chuckles]

223
00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:49,214
-Quinta, we are so fucked, man.
-Oh, God!

224
00:09:49,298 --> 00:09:51,300
She gonna be even weirder
now that she high.

225
00:09:51,383 --> 00:09:54,178
-[hip hop music plays]
-♪ Missy, go ahead, let it slap ♪

226
00:09:54,303 --> 00:09:57,097
Ai-ida! I must be dazed and confused

227
00:09:57,181 --> 00:10:00,601
because I'm pretty sure
I just saw Santa doing parkour!

228
00:10:00,684 --> 00:10:02,478
Ho! Ho!

229
00:10:02,561 --> 00:10:03,687
Ho!

230
00:10:03,771 --> 00:10:05,314
Ho! [grunts]

231
00:10:05,397 --> 00:10:07,524
Merry Thanksgiving!

232
00:10:07,608 --> 00:10:09,526
Ho, ho, ho, ho! [grunts]

233
00:10:09,610 --> 00:10:15,115
So, Val, when your family abandoned Jay
over spring break and I called your mom,

234
00:10:15,199 --> 00:10:16,950
was it you who farted into the phone?

235
00:10:17,034 --> 00:10:19,036
-Mom!
-It's okay, I'm a Bilzerian.

236
00:10:19,119 --> 00:10:22,998
I was raised by a deeply flawed patriarch,
which is why it's so lovely to be here.

237
00:10:23,082 --> 00:10:24,583
There's a real warmth in this home.

238
00:10:24,667 --> 00:10:28,379
Oh, yeah, like the warmth of the cum
on the cracker you tried to make me eat?

239
00:10:28,462 --> 00:10:30,464
This guy almost ruined Triscuits for me!

240
00:10:30,547 --> 00:10:32,299
You jizzed on our couch a week ago!

241
00:10:32,383 --> 00:10:35,052
Okay, that's my cue. Back to the kitchen.

242
00:10:35,135 --> 00:10:36,220
These guys are right.

243
00:10:36,303 --> 00:10:38,514
I've done things in my past
that I'm not proud of,

244
00:10:38,597 --> 00:10:40,099
but I'm different with Leah.

245
00:10:40,182 --> 00:10:42,142
She's really very special.

246
00:10:42,226 --> 00:10:45,020
Oh, well, yes. She is very special.

247
00:10:45,104 --> 00:10:47,064
Aww, you're special, too, babe.

248
00:10:47,147 --> 00:10:48,315
This is so unfair!

249
00:10:48,399 --> 00:10:51,235
A piece of shit like Val Bilzerian
gets to find love?

250
00:10:51,318 --> 00:10:55,739
And you, a certified snack,
is rejected by Jessi?

251
00:10:55,823 --> 00:10:57,324
This is a fucking joke.

252
00:10:57,408 --> 00:11:01,120
Thanksgiving is about
bringing people together!

253
00:11:01,203 --> 00:11:03,914
Oh, my God, I love your hat.

254
00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:06,709
I made it at school. It's made of paper.

255
00:11:06,792 --> 00:11:09,878
Are you very old or very young?

256
00:11:09,962 --> 00:11:13,841
Well, time is a flatbread pizza,
so you do you, baby.

257
00:11:14,425 --> 00:11:15,259
You okay, babe?

258
00:11:15,342 --> 00:11:17,052
You've hardly touched
your mini spanakopitas.

259
00:11:17,136 --> 00:11:19,304
Yeah, I'm just not super hungry right now.

260
00:11:19,388 --> 00:11:22,808
Ooh! Hard to have an appetite
when you're about to get dumped!

261
00:11:22,891 --> 00:11:24,727
-[all laugh]
-Fuckin' chump.

262
00:11:24,810 --> 00:11:27,813
Greg, do you remember
our first Thanksgiving as a family?

263
00:11:27,896 --> 00:11:28,939
Oh, yeah!

264
00:11:29,022 --> 00:11:30,524
Jellybean, we'd just had you,

265
00:11:30,607 --> 00:11:33,569
and your mother was exhausted,
so I had to be hunter and gatherer.

266
00:11:33,652 --> 00:11:34,903
He went to Quiznos.

267
00:11:34,987 --> 00:11:36,405
-[both laugh]
-Okay, Your Honor,

268
00:11:36,488 --> 00:11:38,782
but in my defense,
you said you wanted a hot meal.

269
00:11:38,866 --> 00:11:41,827
Oh, man, my uncle had a heart attack
in a Quiznos.

270
00:11:41,910 --> 00:11:43,787
Oh, that's a bummer, babe.

271
00:11:43,871 --> 00:11:45,956
Read the room, Caitlin. Damn!

272
00:11:46,039 --> 00:11:49,376
Seriously, dude, love is being rekindled.

273
00:11:49,460 --> 00:11:51,086
Rekindled like a mofo!

274
00:11:51,170 --> 00:11:52,337
[tapping] Excuse me.

275
00:11:52,421 --> 00:11:54,631
Everyone, all this talk of family
makes me feel like

276
00:11:54,715 --> 00:11:58,093
this is the perfect time to share
a big announcement with you, Jellybean.

277
00:11:58,177 --> 00:11:59,386
Really, Greg? Now?

278
00:11:59,470 --> 00:12:03,432
Oh, my God, is he about to dump Caitlin
for my mom on Thanksgiving?

279
00:12:03,515 --> 00:12:08,187
Hey, Cheese Girl, have fun finding
discount dick on Black Friday!

280
00:12:08,270 --> 00:12:09,563
-Caitlin and I…
-Holy shit!

281
00:12:09,646 --> 00:12:11,607
…are baking a brie in her tummy!
[chuckles]

282
00:12:11,690 --> 00:12:12,691
-Wait, what?
-What?

283
00:12:12,775 --> 00:12:14,860
We are having a baby!

284
00:12:14,943 --> 00:12:16,153
-No!
-Oh, shit.

285
00:12:16,236 --> 00:12:17,696
We're starting a family!

286
00:12:17,780 --> 00:12:20,199
You already have a family, asshole!

287
00:12:20,282 --> 00:12:22,618
And we don't want a damn cheese baby!

288
00:12:22,701 --> 00:12:24,328
I'm lactose intolerant!

289
00:12:24,411 --> 00:12:26,413
Um, can I please be excused?

290
00:12:26,497 --> 00:12:28,123
-Oh, Jessi--
-Jellybean, are you okay?

291
00:12:28,207 --> 00:12:29,249
Yeah, I'm fine.

292
00:12:29,333 --> 00:12:32,252
I just, um,
need to get out of here right now. [cries]

293
00:12:32,836 --> 00:12:35,964
Hey! Vidal Sassoon! What do you think
of my turkey? It's good, right?

294
00:12:36,048 --> 00:12:38,091
Oh, it's very good, Mr. Glouberman.

295
00:12:38,175 --> 00:12:42,054
Diane! What do you think of my turkey?
Doesn't it make you hate your husband?

296
00:12:42,137 --> 00:12:45,098
No, but it is very moist, Marty.
What's your secret?

297
00:12:45,182 --> 00:12:46,225
-Anger!
-Of course.

298
00:12:46,308 --> 00:12:48,227
You've got to insult it!

299
00:12:48,310 --> 00:12:50,062
That's what keeps the juices in.

300
00:12:50,145 --> 00:12:53,774
I learned that trick from my father,
and he learned it from his father.

301
00:12:53,857 --> 00:12:55,818
That's the Glouberman way.

302
00:12:55,901 --> 00:13:00,280
I remember every Thanksgiving,
my dad standing over that worthless bird.

303
00:13:00,364 --> 00:13:01,824
You stupid turkey.

304
00:13:01,907 --> 00:13:05,244
My family is gonna eat you and then
shit you out because you are nothing!

305
00:13:05,327 --> 00:13:07,746
And before him was my Zaide Shlomo.

306
00:13:07,830 --> 00:13:10,999
You see, in the Depression,
all he had was a street pigeon,

307
00:13:11,083 --> 00:13:14,294
but he would berate it
until it tasted like a turkey!

308
00:13:14,378 --> 00:13:17,339
You stupid pigeon,
you're a repulsive bird.

309
00:13:17,422 --> 00:13:19,967
You're a rat with wings,
that's all you are.

310
00:13:20,050 --> 00:13:23,470
And who can forget
my great Zaide Chaim in the shtetl?

311
00:13:23,554 --> 00:13:25,514
There was no fowl of any sort!

312
00:13:25,597 --> 00:13:27,724
You shmegegge cabbage!

313
00:13:27,808 --> 00:13:31,228
God wouldn't even grant you
the honor of being a lettuce!

314
00:13:31,311 --> 00:13:32,354
[claps]

315
00:13:32,437 --> 00:13:35,566
Ooph, you spin quite a yarn, Father.
[clears throat]

316
00:13:35,649 --> 00:13:38,861
But tonight,
I won't be eating your trunk turkey.

317
00:13:38,944 --> 00:13:39,778
Oh, God.

318
00:13:39,862 --> 00:13:41,864
What do you mean,
you're not eating my turkey?

319
00:13:41,947 --> 00:13:43,991
It shall not pass my lips!

320
00:13:44,074 --> 00:13:46,410
-Oh, yes, it shall pass!
-Ah!

321
00:13:46,493 --> 00:13:49,413
-You're gonna eat my turkey.
-The hell I am, you old bitch!

322
00:13:49,496 --> 00:13:51,540
-Holy shit!
-Marty, Andrew, knock it off!

323
00:13:51,623 --> 00:13:54,042
I'm not eating Fernando.
He's a good listener.

324
00:13:54,126 --> 00:13:55,961
-Elliot, do something!
-[grunts] Hey!

325
00:13:56,044 --> 00:14:00,215
Go, Andrew. Go, Marty!
It's Thanksgiving! I love you.

326
00:14:00,299 --> 00:14:01,717
-Marty!
-[Andrew] Ah!

327
00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:04,219
-Eat it, you ungrateful little bastard!
-Hold his nose.

328
00:14:04,303 --> 00:14:05,679
I hate you!

329
00:14:05,762 --> 00:14:07,723
I wish Dr. Birch was my dad!

330
00:14:07,806 --> 00:14:10,017
And I wish the turkey was my son!

331
00:14:10,100 --> 00:14:12,352
That's enough, you two! We're leaving!

332
00:14:12,436 --> 00:14:15,314
Elliot, Diane,
I'm sure you regret inviting us.

333
00:14:15,397 --> 00:14:18,358
-Only a little bit.
-Oh, yeah? Well, I'm taking my turkey.

334
00:14:18,442 --> 00:14:20,027
Come on! In the box. Let's go.

335
00:14:20,110 --> 00:14:23,155
Andrew, I made a video of you
getting force-fed by your daddy

336
00:14:23,238 --> 00:14:24,865
-for your future therapist.
-[grunting]

337
00:14:24,948 --> 00:14:28,952
I'm gonna call it,
"Papa face-fucks son with meat."

338
00:14:29,036 --> 00:14:33,540
I am ready to chow down, everybody!
Just throw it into my mouth.

339
00:14:33,624 --> 00:14:35,000
-[laughs]
-Missy, be cool.

340
00:14:35,083 --> 00:14:40,005
I actually think I'm very cool
with these big-ass fingy-tips.

341
00:14:40,088 --> 00:14:42,049
Oh shit, this bitch gon' get us caught!

342
00:14:42,132 --> 00:14:45,552
[in French accent] Ooh, la, la,
she's so beautiful! [laughs]

343
00:14:45,636 --> 00:14:47,971
[clinks glass] Well, family,
I'd like to start off

344
00:14:48,055 --> 00:14:50,807
by acknowledging that
we are on indigenous land.

345
00:14:50,891 --> 00:14:52,100
-And of course…
-[chuckles]

346
00:14:52,184 --> 00:14:54,603
…I'd like to thank my sweet Monica,

347
00:14:54,686 --> 00:14:58,857
because this heart of mine
beats for nobody but you, baby!

348
00:14:58,941 --> 00:14:59,775
Ooh!

349
00:14:59,858 --> 00:15:00,817
[Cyrus grunts]

350
00:15:00,901 --> 00:15:02,444
-Whoa! Cyrus!
-[clatters]

351
00:15:02,527 --> 00:15:04,571
-Did I do that?
-[laughing]

352
00:15:04,655 --> 00:15:07,491
[sitcom music plays]

353
00:15:07,574 --> 00:15:09,159
Missy, what's gotten into you?

354
00:15:09,242 --> 00:15:11,453
That baby is high as hell.

355
00:15:11,536 --> 00:15:12,746
-High? No!
-What?

356
00:15:12,829 --> 00:15:15,290
I'm not high, I'm low!

357
00:15:15,374 --> 00:15:18,877
Oh, my God, my daughter is
under the influence of drugs!

358
00:15:18,961 --> 00:15:21,129
Girls, what the hell happened
on that walk?

359
00:15:21,213 --> 00:15:23,799
-Lena gave her weed!
-Whoa, no, no. Missy took the weed.

360
00:15:23,882 --> 00:15:27,678
I can't believe you hooligans were
smoking marijuana in front of her!

361
00:15:27,761 --> 00:15:32,683
Cyrus-Byrus Foreman-Greenwald, I know
you not calling my babies "hooligans"!

362
00:15:32,766 --> 00:15:33,976
-Yeah!
-Thanks, Mom!

363
00:15:34,059 --> 00:15:35,310
Shut it. You two are fucked!

364
00:15:35,394 --> 00:15:38,188
-Missy, what the hell?
-Why do you always have to act so lame?

365
00:15:38,271 --> 00:15:39,898
Oh… Oh…

366
00:15:39,982 --> 00:15:42,401
Mona, I don't like being stoned anymore!

367
00:15:42,484 --> 00:15:43,860
I'm freaking out too.

368
00:15:43,944 --> 00:15:46,154
Your grandma is staring right in my eyes.

369
00:15:46,238 --> 00:15:47,447
I think she can see me.

370
00:15:47,531 --> 00:15:49,449
You need to leave, Mona.

371
00:15:49,533 --> 00:15:51,076
Oh, shit!

372
00:15:52,995 --> 00:15:55,539
Merry Thanksgiving, you sad little fuck.

373
00:15:55,622 --> 00:15:59,751
Jesus, Jay. What are you doing in my garb…
Oh, are you gonna fuck the turkey?

374
00:15:59,835 --> 00:16:03,797
What? I'd never fuck a turkey that's been
in the trash. Please think better of me.

375
00:16:03,880 --> 00:16:05,507
-Okay.
-Trash turkey?

376
00:16:05,590 --> 00:16:07,342
[chuckles] Now, that's for eating!

377
00:16:07,426 --> 00:16:09,720
Did you know that Val and Leah are dating?

378
00:16:09,803 --> 00:16:10,929
What? [grunts]

379
00:16:11,013 --> 00:16:12,848
Oh, my God! That's incredible.

380
00:16:12,931 --> 00:16:15,308
-This means I'm gonna be your uncle!
-No, it doesn't.

381
00:16:15,392 --> 00:16:19,604
Hey, don't talk to Uncle Jay like that.
You treat me with respect! [snaps belt]

382
00:16:19,688 --> 00:16:21,690
Jay, get the fuck out of my house.

383
00:16:21,773 --> 00:16:23,108
Luda! [whistles]

384
00:16:23,191 --> 00:16:25,110
-Let's roll.
-[barking] Rrr.

385
00:16:25,193 --> 00:16:29,031
Rrrin. Bin.
I took a shit in the recycling bin.

386
00:16:29,114 --> 00:16:30,699
[Andrew] My dad's such an asshole.

387
00:16:30,782 --> 00:16:33,493
I'm angry,
I'm embarrassed, I'm humiliated.

388
00:16:33,577 --> 00:16:35,912
I'm all these things, Maury.

389
00:16:35,996 --> 00:16:38,081
Honestly, I don't know what to say.

390
00:16:38,165 --> 00:16:40,709
-Oh, perhaps the audience should decide.
-What?

391
00:16:40,792 --> 00:16:44,379
Should I tell Andrew
to jack off or kill himself?

392
00:16:44,463 --> 00:16:48,508
-No, oh, don't… No, no.
-Text "Jack" or "Die" to 6969.

393
00:16:48,592 --> 00:16:49,926
What the fuck?

394
00:16:50,010 --> 00:16:51,136
Ooh, that was close.

395
00:16:51,219 --> 00:16:52,137
That's chilling.

396
00:16:52,220 --> 00:16:53,930
And these are fans of the show.

397
00:16:54,014 --> 00:16:57,893
-I hope you can still get hard now.
-How can I get hard? I'm starving!

398
00:16:57,976 --> 00:16:59,770
Well, there's still
some trunk turkey left.

399
00:16:59,853 --> 00:17:01,104
-Hmm.
-Get a little white meat

400
00:17:01,188 --> 00:17:02,939
so you can pound your white meat?

401
00:17:03,023 --> 00:17:05,901
Get some gravy so you can make your gravy.

402
00:17:05,984 --> 00:17:08,403
-Get some stuffing so--
-Okay, we get it. Enough.

403
00:17:08,487 --> 00:17:12,282
Well, why don't we go to the audience
to see if they want one more?

404
00:17:13,283 --> 00:17:16,161
Oh, come on,
why did you even put that as an option?

405
00:17:16,244 --> 00:17:18,455
I didn't. It's truly chilling.

406
00:17:19,039 --> 00:17:21,333
[sighs] How are you okay with this?

407
00:17:21,416 --> 00:17:24,169
I don't know.
Caitlin and your father are a good fit.

408
00:17:24,252 --> 00:17:27,005
You mean they're both stupid
and don't know how condoms work?

409
00:17:27,089 --> 00:17:30,175
Jessi, you know
your father can't afford condoms.

410
00:17:30,258 --> 00:17:32,636
The point is,
Caitlin makes your dad happy.

411
00:17:32,719 --> 00:17:35,597
-But you and Dad were laughing together.
-We're trying to get along.

412
00:17:35,680 --> 00:17:40,227
I just-- It looked like maybe you guys
would, um, I don't know. Nev-never mind.

413
00:17:40,310 --> 00:17:41,728
Oh, sweetie, did you think--

414
00:17:41,812 --> 00:17:44,356
It's stupid. I know. Just forget it.

415
00:17:44,439 --> 00:17:46,441
Honey, I love your dad,

416
00:17:46,525 --> 00:17:49,611
and because of you, we are always
going to be in each other's lives,

417
00:17:49,694 --> 00:17:51,363
but I like women.

418
00:17:51,446 --> 00:17:54,366
I wanna smooch 'em, I wanna hug 'em,
I wanna sniff 'em, I wanna--

419
00:17:54,449 --> 00:17:57,202
-Okay, Mom.
-They're yummy. What can I say?

420
00:17:57,285 --> 00:18:00,038
Knock, knock?
Hey, Jellybean. How are you feeling?

421
00:18:00,122 --> 00:18:02,165
-Not good, Dad.
-Maybe this will cheer you up.

422
00:18:02,249 --> 00:18:04,376
Are you ready to meet the cheese baby?

423
00:18:04,459 --> 00:18:06,837
-What are you talking about?
-Isn't it adorable?

424
00:18:06,920 --> 00:18:11,383
[in monstrous voice] My name
is Cheese Baby! Change my diaper!

425
00:18:11,466 --> 00:18:13,885
Oh, fuck,
its teeth are like sharp crackers!

426
00:18:13,969 --> 00:18:18,098
Let me grab your hair
with my fat little fist!

427
00:18:18,181 --> 00:18:21,393
Oh, no, the Cheese Baby
is popping all the balloons!

428
00:18:21,476 --> 00:18:22,894
-[Jessi] What?
-[Greg] Okay.

429
00:18:22,978 --> 00:18:25,355
We need to get rid of some dead weight.
Sorry, Jessi!

430
00:18:25,438 --> 00:18:26,314
-[Jessi] Hey!
-[grunts]

431
00:18:26,398 --> 00:18:28,150
-Ah!
-Condoms are for millionaires.

432
00:18:28,233 --> 00:18:31,194
-Jessi! This is terrible!
-I know!

433
00:18:31,278 --> 00:18:33,155
Good thing none of it's real!

434
00:18:33,238 --> 00:18:35,824
Ow! Would you please stop hitting me?

435
00:18:35,907 --> 00:18:38,618
Okay. Next time, I'll poke you
in the tuckus with a pitchfork.

436
00:18:38,702 --> 00:18:40,203
Jess, are you okay?

437
00:18:40,287 --> 00:18:42,539
I, um…
I think I just need to get some air.

438
00:18:42,622 --> 00:18:45,876
-[door closes]
-Ooph, this place is a dump. [sips]

439
00:18:46,751 --> 00:18:49,546
-What's up, little guy?
-Hey, you know what? I'm onto you.

440
00:18:49,629 --> 00:18:51,840
Oh, oh, yeah?
What'd you find out, Detective?

441
00:18:51,923 --> 00:18:54,134
That I'm gonna fuck your sister
until she happy cries?

442
00:18:54,217 --> 00:18:55,969
"Happy cries"? Wait, what?

443
00:18:56,052 --> 00:19:00,015
Yeah, I'm gonna have sex
with your sister in your bed with my dick.

444
00:19:00,098 --> 00:19:01,975
-Ew!
-Happy Thanksgiving!

445
00:19:02,058 --> 00:19:04,102
♪ Gobble-gobble-gobble-gobble-gobble ♪

446
00:19:04,186 --> 00:19:06,146
♪ Gobble-gobble-gobble-gobble-gobble ♪

447
00:19:07,063 --> 00:19:08,607
[munches]

448
00:19:08,690 --> 00:19:12,652
Oh, shit, that bald rage volcano
makes a good turkey.

449
00:19:12,736 --> 00:19:14,738
-Hey.
-Oh, hello, Fernando.

450
00:19:14,821 --> 00:19:16,114
I'm sorry I'm eating you.

451
00:19:16,198 --> 00:19:19,451
It's okay. I'd offer you
some of my juicy ass, but it's all gone.

452
00:19:19,534 --> 00:19:24,122
Oh, yeah. My sweaty father gobbled it up
like it was the antidote to a poison.

453
00:19:24,206 --> 00:19:26,875
The man is a savage. A savage, I say!

454
00:19:26,958 --> 00:19:30,545
He's a lot, for sure, but I've been
thinking about that story he told.

455
00:19:30,629 --> 00:19:32,297
What, with the pigeons and the cabbage?

456
00:19:32,380 --> 00:19:36,176
Yes, but also about how anger has
haunted your family for generations.

457
00:19:36,259 --> 00:19:39,763
You know, my Zaide used to brag
that he invented road rage.

458
00:19:39,846 --> 00:19:42,933
And this is your father's
first Thanksgiving without Zaide.

459
00:19:43,016 --> 00:19:44,434
Yes? That must be very hard for him.

460
00:19:44,517 --> 00:19:46,895
Oh, I don't think he has real feelings.

461
00:19:46,978 --> 00:19:49,564
He only seems to care
about his ultra suede seats

462
00:19:49,648 --> 00:19:51,816
and his stupid turkey. No offense.

463
00:19:51,900 --> 00:19:52,943
None taken.

464
00:19:53,026 --> 00:19:55,820
But is it possible
that I am more than just a turkey?

465
00:19:55,904 --> 00:19:57,572
How do you mean? Like a goose?

466
00:19:57,656 --> 00:19:59,491
Oh, goose is a garbage bird. No!

467
00:19:59,574 --> 00:20:02,702
What I'm saying is
maybe all of those angry Gloubermans

468
00:20:02,786 --> 00:20:05,413
express their love
by cooking a delicious turkey.

469
00:20:05,497 --> 00:20:06,748
Hold on, juicy turkey.

470
00:20:06,831 --> 00:20:09,876
Are you saying that
you are my father's love language?

471
00:20:09,960 --> 00:20:11,503
-Perhaps.
-Oh, God.

472
00:20:11,586 --> 00:20:16,508
He was trying to shove his love
into my mouth by force, and I refused.

473
00:20:16,591 --> 00:20:19,678
Yes, you were too busy reacting
to his anger with your own anger.

474
00:20:19,761 --> 00:20:21,972
Wow, you're
a freakishly perceptive turkey.

475
00:20:22,055 --> 00:20:23,515
It's the hormones. [chuckles]

476
00:20:23,598 --> 00:20:27,560
But Andrew, maybe you can break
the cycle of Glouberman rage.

477
00:20:27,644 --> 00:20:29,271
What do you think, audience?

478
00:20:29,354 --> 00:20:31,648
Should he break the cycle or should--

479
00:20:31,731 --> 00:20:33,149
No, no! No more votes.

480
00:20:33,233 --> 00:20:35,235
I'm gonna make my own choices.

481
00:20:35,318 --> 00:20:36,653
Oy, yoy, yoy. Ugh.

482
00:20:36,736 --> 00:20:37,779
Chilling.

483
00:20:38,363 --> 00:20:40,699
Oh, Mona, now my cousins hate me!

484
00:20:40,782 --> 00:20:43,535
Oh, your life is total shite!

485
00:20:43,618 --> 00:20:47,122
Melissa, I never thought I'd have
to say this to you, but you're grounded.

486
00:20:47,205 --> 00:20:48,665
No more after-school activities!

487
00:20:48,748 --> 00:20:51,501
Who cares? Nobody wants
to hang out with me anyway.

488
00:20:51,584 --> 00:20:52,544
It's a moot point.

489
00:20:52,627 --> 00:20:55,046
Well, then, no more NPR!

490
00:20:55,130 --> 00:20:56,840
Their programming has become stale!

491
00:20:56,923 --> 00:21:00,010
Okay, you're clearly still high as a kite!

492
00:21:00,093 --> 00:21:01,177
You, go to your room!

493
00:21:01,261 --> 00:21:02,804
Fine! I'd like to do that,

494
00:21:02,887 --> 00:21:04,097
and I'm taking some pie.

495
00:21:04,180 --> 00:21:05,140
No, Missy.

496
00:21:05,223 --> 00:21:08,435
♪ No carob pie, no carob pie ♪

497
00:21:08,518 --> 00:21:12,147
♪ No piece for you because you got high ♪

498
00:21:12,272 --> 00:21:14,190
This is the worst Thanksgiving ever.

499
00:21:14,274 --> 00:21:15,984
Except for the first one!

500
00:21:16,067 --> 00:21:20,030
What we did to the indigenous people
of this land is shameful!

501
00:21:20,113 --> 00:21:22,115
"Pie" means vagina.

502
00:21:22,198 --> 00:21:26,036
That's the second thing they teach you
at hormone monster school.

503
00:21:26,119 --> 00:21:29,205
Mmm. God damn, this is some good vagina.

504
00:21:29,289 --> 00:21:32,751
-[both moaning softly, kissing]
-Tonight was really special.

505
00:21:32,834 --> 00:21:37,005
Usually on Thanksgiving, I have to coax
my mom off the roof with pills. [chuckles]

506
00:21:37,088 --> 00:21:38,673
Aw, I had a nice time too.

507
00:21:38,757 --> 00:21:39,591
[kisses]

508
00:21:39,674 --> 00:21:41,593
Hey! You--you need to know something.

509
00:21:41,676 --> 00:21:43,011
Ew! Were you watching us?

510
00:21:43,094 --> 00:21:45,764
Yeah, whatever. It doesn't…
That's not what's important.

511
00:21:45,847 --> 00:21:47,932
Guess what
the Talented Mr. Rip-ass told me.

512
00:21:48,016 --> 00:21:49,225
-You mean Val?
-Yeah.

513
00:21:49,309 --> 00:21:53,730
That fucking con artist said he wants
to have sex with you until you happy cry.

514
00:21:53,813 --> 00:21:54,647
Whoa!

515
00:21:54,731 --> 00:21:57,400
That sounds like
a very positive experience.

516
00:21:57,484 --> 00:21:59,069
And none of your business.

517
00:21:59,152 --> 00:22:00,111
Good night, Nick!

518
00:22:00,195 --> 00:22:01,363
What the fuck?

519
00:22:01,446 --> 00:22:03,907
Val is a bad guy, and Leah doesn't care?

520
00:22:03,990 --> 00:22:07,285
And you're a good guy,
and Jessi doesn't care.

521
00:22:07,369 --> 00:22:09,162
Isn't love just the worst?

522
00:22:09,245 --> 00:22:11,081
Wait, hold on. How can you say that?

523
00:22:11,164 --> 00:22:12,415
You're a lovebug.

524
00:22:12,499 --> 00:22:14,709
Which means I know it better than anyone.

525
00:22:14,793 --> 00:22:16,169
I mean, don't get me wrong,

526
00:22:16,252 --> 00:22:21,758
being with a girl is as exhilarating
as holding a star in your hand.

527
00:22:21,841 --> 00:22:23,468
-Really?
-But up close,

528
00:22:23,551 --> 00:22:28,973
that star will explode in your face
and melt the skin off your bones.

529
00:22:29,057 --> 00:22:32,477
Oh, great. Well, thanks for showing up
and ruining my fucking life.

530
00:22:32,560 --> 00:22:33,937
Now, hold on, little fella.

531
00:22:34,020 --> 00:22:36,648
Oh, Jesus, the Gratitoad. Here we go.

532
00:22:36,731 --> 00:22:39,150
-Oh, sure, it's Thanksgiving.
-Ew. No.

533
00:22:39,234 --> 00:22:40,693
When I'm down in the dumpers,

534
00:22:40,777 --> 00:22:43,405
I like to make a list of all the things

535
00:22:43,488 --> 00:22:44,739
that I'm grateful for.

536
00:22:44,823 --> 00:22:45,657
Fuck that!

537
00:22:45,740 --> 00:22:48,701
♪ Oh, I'm grateful for my family ♪

538
00:22:48,785 --> 00:22:49,828
Come on, everybody! Oing!

539
00:22:49,911 --> 00:22:51,329
-Feel any better?
-A little.

540
00:22:51,413 --> 00:22:53,581
I like the sound he made when you hit him.

541
00:22:53,665 --> 00:22:57,752
Well, this is it.
The last of my Halloween candy.

542
00:22:57,836 --> 00:23:01,548
The wrapper says "fun size",
but it doesn't feel fun.

543
00:23:01,631 --> 00:23:04,300
[snorts] Oh, my gosh,
should I do stand-up? Go, Lola!

544
00:23:04,384 --> 00:23:08,304
Oh, man, I can't wait to get home
and eat all this inside the bathtub.

545
00:23:08,388 --> 00:23:09,722
-[whimpering]
-What's that?

546
00:23:09,806 --> 00:23:12,350
Lola? Oh, fuck.

547
00:23:13,393 --> 00:23:16,146
-[doorbell rings]
-Huh! A clatter outside.

548
00:23:16,229 --> 00:23:17,605
Whomst ever could it be?

549
00:23:18,690 --> 00:23:21,526
Gasp! A cornucopia!

550
00:23:21,609 --> 00:23:26,322
Father Thanksgiving
has truly smiled upon me this year.

551
00:23:26,406 --> 00:23:27,574
[sighs]

552
00:23:27,657 --> 00:23:28,616
Come on, Luda,

553
00:23:28,700 --> 00:23:32,328
let's go home and see if there's any
burnt cheese at the bottom of the toaster.

554
00:23:32,412 --> 00:23:34,497
[barks] Rrrrrst. Rrressed. Stressed.

555
00:23:34,581 --> 00:23:38,042
Stressed.
I'm already stressed about Christmas.

556
00:23:40,044 --> 00:23:41,254
Hey! What do you want?

557
00:23:41,337 --> 00:23:44,007
I had some of your turkey,
and it was really good.

558
00:23:44,090 --> 00:23:46,092
Yeah? Well, you shoulda had it
when it was hot.

559
00:23:46,176 --> 00:23:48,511
You're right, Dad.
I should've had it when it was hot.

560
00:23:48,595 --> 00:23:50,513
Wait--wait a minute! Wait a minute!

561
00:23:50,597 --> 00:23:51,931
What, are you agreeing with me?

562
00:23:52,015 --> 00:23:54,309
You trying to get back
on my health insurance?

563
00:23:54,392 --> 00:23:56,352
No, no. I know, they're all crooks.

564
00:23:56,436 --> 00:23:57,937
I just wanted to talk.

565
00:23:58,021 --> 00:24:00,940
Dad, was it hard
not going to Florida this year?

566
00:24:01,024 --> 00:24:03,651
I don't know.
You know, it was, um… It was different.

567
00:24:03,735 --> 00:24:05,820
Yeah, I-I-I thought so too.

568
00:24:05,904 --> 00:24:09,324
So do you, you know… Do you miss Zaide?

569
00:24:09,407 --> 00:24:12,535
Of course I miss him. He's my father.
What kind of a question is that?

570
00:24:12,619 --> 00:24:14,537
But, Dad, he was so mean.

571
00:24:14,621 --> 00:24:16,456
He wasn't mean, he was tough.

572
00:24:16,539 --> 00:24:18,124
You know, he was tough like I'm tough,

573
00:24:18,208 --> 00:24:21,544
and maybe he didn't always know
how to say it, but I knew he loved me.

574
00:24:21,628 --> 00:24:23,379
I love you too, Dad.

575
00:24:23,463 --> 00:24:26,382
Uh, um,
I'm glad you liked the turkey, son.

576
00:24:26,466 --> 00:24:28,510
And, uh, in retrospect,

577
00:24:28,593 --> 00:24:31,471
I'm sorry for how I voted in those polls.

578
00:24:31,554 --> 00:24:33,056
[panting, rings doorbell]

579
00:24:34,974 --> 00:24:38,144
Oh, hey, you're here.
[chuckles] What's going on?

580
00:24:38,228 --> 00:24:41,981
Look, I, um, I know
you're still mad at me about Samira,

581
00:24:42,065 --> 00:24:45,693
but my life's a fucked-up mess
and I just really need someone to talk to.

582
00:24:45,777 --> 00:24:48,780
Oh, shit. Uh, okay.
[chuckles nervously] What's wrong?

583
00:24:48,863 --> 00:24:51,491
[sighs] My parents
are never getting back together.

584
00:24:51,574 --> 00:24:53,535
Oh, honey Jew-Jew.

585
00:24:53,618 --> 00:24:57,580
And my dad and Cheese Girl are having
a demon cheese baby with cracker teeth.

586
00:24:57,664 --> 00:24:58,873
Putting a pin in that.

587
00:24:58,957 --> 00:25:02,669
And I think my family
is really officially over. [cries]

588
00:25:02,752 --> 00:25:05,213
I'm sorry, Jessi, that sucks!

589
00:25:05,296 --> 00:25:09,425
Look, I'm sorry…
I'm sorry I broke up you and Samira.

590
00:25:09,509 --> 00:25:11,052
Oh, uh, that's okay.

591
00:25:11,135 --> 00:25:14,013
It's not your fault,
even though it kind of is.

592
00:25:14,097 --> 00:25:15,807
Uh, but I still love you.

593
00:25:16,432 --> 00:25:17,976
[inhales] I love you too.

594
00:25:18,059 --> 00:25:20,937
Ugh! Isn't she the fucking best?

595
00:25:21,020 --> 00:25:22,814
Yeah, she really is.

596
00:25:22,897 --> 00:25:25,358
I'm glad you came over. I've missed you.

597
00:25:25,441 --> 00:25:26,568
I missed you too.

598
00:25:27,193 --> 00:25:28,820
-[kisses]
-Um…

599
00:25:29,404 --> 00:25:31,614
Jessi, this is totally hot!

600
00:25:31,698 --> 00:25:32,532
I know!

601
00:25:32,615 --> 00:25:34,617
I did not see that coming.

602
00:25:34,701 --> 00:25:36,953
Too bad it's not real. Pitchfork!

603
00:25:37,036 --> 00:25:37,870
Ow!

604
00:25:37,954 --> 00:25:40,290
-What the fuck?
-I told ya the slap was better.

605
00:25:40,373 --> 00:25:41,749
Hey, are you okay?

606
00:25:41,833 --> 00:25:46,045
I'm sorry. I actually, um…
I need to get back home, okay?

607
00:25:46,129 --> 00:25:48,172
Um, thank you for talking to me. Bye.

608
00:25:48,256 --> 00:25:50,466
Wait, Jessi!
Don't you wanna French her for real?

609
00:25:50,550 --> 00:25:53,136
Oh! Oh, hey Gratitoad!

610
00:25:53,219 --> 00:25:55,930
Oh, hey, Connie! Happy Thanksgiving.

611
00:25:56,014 --> 00:25:58,683
I, for one, am grateful
for your ample bosom.

612
00:25:58,766 --> 00:26:03,062
-Permission to motorboat you, please?
-It's Thanksgiving, baby. Gobble away!

613
00:26:03,146 --> 00:26:04,272
[blubbers]

614
00:26:04,355 --> 00:26:08,943
-Thanks for the mammaries!
-[laughs] Happy Thanksgiving indeed!

615
00:26:09,027 --> 00:26:11,237
["Gratitude" by Earth, Wind & Fire plays]

616
00:26:11,321 --> 00:26:12,405
♪ Yeah ♪

617
00:26:13,906 --> 00:26:15,408
♪ Wanna thank you ♪

618
00:26:19,037 --> 00:26:20,330
♪ Wanna thank you ♪

619
00:26:21,623 --> 00:26:22,790
♪ Yeah ♪

620
00:26:24,292 --> 00:26:25,877
♪ Wanna thank you ♪

621
00:26:29,922 --> 00:26:35,845
♪ Holy sound ♪

622
00:26:40,350 --> 00:26:46,522
♪ Holy sound ♪

623
00:26:46,606 --> 00:26:48,149
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

624
00:26:48,232 --> 00:26:50,777
♪ Freedom in your stride
Love, and peace of mind ♪

625
00:26:53,363 --> 00:26:55,573
♪ We just wanna give gratitude ♪

626
00:26:56,240 --> 00:26:57,533
♪ Yeah ♪

627
00:26:57,617 --> 00:26:58,618
[grunts]

628
00:26:58,701 --> 00:27:00,995
♪ We got plenty love we wanna give you ♪