[Marty] Skip, are you out of your mind?
I gave you that two grand to fly Dad's body home.
And now you're at Foxwoods?
Foxwoods Resort and Casino? Where elegance meets comfort?
Of course I love Sinbad,
but that doesn't mean you leave Dad's coffin festering in a parking lot...
...-lemon maternity catalog!
A tissue, two, three, four.
This is it. I can feel it in my tight, smooth sack.
We're gonna get through the method this time.
Stay focused! I can't stay up all night.
I'm getting my hair pubed in the morning.
You're getting your hair pubed?
Carlo is opening early for me.
-That's a funny thing for someone-- -Andrew, focus!
Okay, tissue one...
-Two... -Three...
Oh, fuck! I ripped it!
It's fine! A ripped tissue still holds jizz.
It says so on the bottom of every box of Puffs.
No, no, no!
The tissues have to be perfect to hold his huge amounts of icky-sticky.
-Oh, here we go. -Yeah, I should start over.
This is madness.
-You desperately need to jack that stack. -I know.
It's the only way to relieve your stress and anxiety.
I feel like I'm gonna have a juvenile heart attack.
So masturbate!
No! Last time you yanked your sick little chode
without the Glouberman method, you killed your grandfather!
Tito's right. I'm just gonna go to sleep.
What? You've never gone to bed without jerking off,
and I don't respond well to change.
We can try again in the morning.
In the morning?
That's when I'm getting my hair pubed,
and believe me, the audience wants to see what that is!
You! You at home!
Get up out of your chairs!
Say it! "I'm mad as hell that Maury might not get his hair pubed,
and I'm not going to take this anymore!"
["Changes" by Charles Bradley plays]
♪ I'm going through changes ♪
♪ Oh, in my life ♪
♪ Oh, ooh, ooh! ♪
Your dad'll be waiting for you when you get off the train.
[sighs] I don't wanna go back to Bridgeton,
I don't wanna see Nick, and I don't wanna go to that funeral.
Yeah, everyone's gonna know you failed at being a city girl.
You suck shit at school. Your boyfriend dumped you.
You cannot handle the hustle nor the bustle!
[groans]
And get some details about this cheese girl your dad is dating.
Like, is she actually pretty, or is she just young?
Okay!
Fuck you, Shannon. Eat a pussy.
Hi, girls!
-Oh, shit. -We saved you a seat.
It's wet!
Let's not sit with them.
-Let's sit with this nice man who is... -[squelching]
...jacking off underneath his Kindle.
-Ugh! -Come on, man!
[Maury] Hey, Matthew, check it out.
I got a new apron for the church bake-off sale for my dear friend Mario.
"I Believe Batali."
Really? That's the hill you're gonna die on?
Oh, it's tucked under. Hold on, here we go.
-[Matthew] Oh, much better. -[chuckles]
-But still weird. -Let's go!
[groans] I guess we should head down to the kitchen.
Aren't you excited for special bake time with Mommy?
It's gonna be so awkward this year.
But Mommy lets us lick the spoon.
Yes, I know you love the spoon,
but I think she saw my dirty texts with Aiden.
Well, then great! I mean, come on.
She knows you're gay, and now it'll be out in the open.
I don't know.
You'll finally be able to talk to her about
which of the Jonas Brothers has the tastiest penis.
I know for a fact it's Joe.
Oh, be careful pouring that flour, hon.
We don't want to make a mess.
Look, Matthew, I'm measuring flour!
Oh, is Brittany helping us today?
I asked your sister to do the bake-off with me this year.
Honey, you want to lick the spoon?
She's letting Brittany lick the spoon?
I figured you'd be too busy with your "new friends."
Oh, well, that's actually great, because I am busy,
and I'm thrilled to get this time back.
No, you're not! You're crushed!
And there's only one person to blame.
Fucking Brittany!
Brittany's such a busted bitch.
She's got, like, no teeth.
-Like, hello! Meth head, please. -Maury, she's seven.
Yeah, she might be seven, but let's be honest, Matt.
She's a fucking three.
People really love those pretzel nuggets with peanut butter.
So what I'm thinking is, you flip it, all right?
Clumps of peanut butter with pretzels inside!
Wouldn't that just melt into one big glob of peanut butter?
That's what the chocolate spoon is for. [imitates explosion]
Is your mind blown?
-Oh, yeah, you've solved it. -[laughs]
These might be good if I was, like, high.
But I'm not because I am at work.
Okay, I hereby present... [imitates fanfare]
...the Jelly Bean wing of Dad's crash pad!
Wow, Dad. This is awesome.
Oops, actually meant to move my recumbent bike out
to the living room before I picked you up.
I think he's trying to send you a message.
That you're totally in the way and he doesn't want you here.
Oh, I think Caitlin's here. Come on. Shit!
[groans]
Jessi, this is Caitlin.
Caitlin, this is the one and only Jessi Glaser.
Jessi!
Oh, man, I've heard so much about you. You're, like, famous to me.
Oh, cool. No autographs.
[laughs] Yeah. She is funny.
Actually, that's why I brought you, um, Humboldt Fog.
It's the funniest cheese.
This is like having John Popper pick out a harmonica for you.
Yeah. No, this is cool.
I love... I love cheese.
So do I, but I'm lactose intolerant.
I eat it anyway. Makes my farts sting.
You okay, Jess?
I know it must be a little weird meeting Caitlin.
No, it's fine. She's fine.
-I'm... I'm glad you're happy. -Mm!
Did you go get high?
Did I? Did I? Dido? What happened to Dido?
Did Dido do that?
[laughs] I'm high.
[Andrew] Tissue, two, three, four...
Four pristine tissues. You're so close.
I can't even concentrate with that hair.
I wanted it to look natural. Does it look natural?
Like an off-putting afro of pubes?
-Mm-hmm, yeah. -Then, mission accomplished.
Great! All right, then squeeze that fat little cutie until the juice comes out.
Indeed. And now, one perfect dollop of lotion.
-[car horn honks] -[yelps]
No! Marc Marone!
What the fuck?
Hey, for God's sakes, a kid's trying to masturbate up here!
Oh, tell me more, cuz.
You trying to squirt some babies onto your carpet?
-Oh, boy. -[Marty grunting]
-Kill your brother outside, Marty! -All right! Okay!
-That's what your father would've wanted. -That's it!
I can't believe you stuffed Dad into the back of a Jeep!
[chuckles] What? Are you worried he's gonna get more dead?
Whew-inga! He smells like bologna soup left out in the sun.
-Look at me. Look at me. -I'm looking!
Your daddy dead, and he ain't never coming back.
Ha! Thank you for the closure.
-Hey, Andy. -Hi.
Wanna see my phone's lock screen?
Oh! That is my nude penis. Oh, that's nice.
Andrew, you stay away from your cousin, you pervert.
Oh, I definitely will.
What? Why?
Don't you want to grief-hump your cousin?
Have her sit shiva on your Hebrew National?
No! When I broke the Method and jerked off to her picture,
I killed my Zaide.
Well, something's gotta give! Shout-out to Nancy Meyers.
It's what women want! That baby boom!
Maury, it's complicated.
You think I don't want to put my Private Benjamin in her parent trap?
-She did Parent Trap? -She wrote it.
She's got a good body of work, Nancy Meyers.
-Indeed. -Well, then at least jerk off!
What's the worst that could happen?
Oh, I'll take this one.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
I'm not doing my method at all, and baby's gonna ruin his only winter hat!
-[squeals joyously] -[birds squawking]
Holy shit, I can't see! We're going down!
[screaming]
Can you draw me with a microphone?
Because I am the profound, but never profane, comedian Sinbad.
Whoa!
That's exactly what would happen.
-It sure is. -The stakes are too high, Maury.
I gotta withhold my seed for the safety of mankind.
It's the only choice.
Well, then, fuck you.
-I'm going to Matthew's story. -What?
The bake-off was our thing, and now she's doing it with Brittany?
Okay, crazy idea.
-What if we entered the bake-off? -Aiden...
I'm actually serious.
Maybe if your mom sees how happy we are together and how gorgeous I am...
Mm, you are gorgeous.
...she'll have an easier time with our relationship.
Oh, what a dreamboat.
Don't you want to just, like, live in his sweet mouth?
What the fuck happened to your hair? You look like Phil Spector.
Thank you! That's exactly the reference I gave to Carlo.
You gotta be very specific with him because he's oftentimes on crystal meth.
So? I mean, I make a mean cake pop.
My mother would lose her Christian shit if I showed up to the church bake-off
with my gay boyfriend.
Maybe that's a good thing.
Maybe you just need to rip off the Band-Aid, start the conversation.
I don't know.
It'll be hard no matter what.
I'll tell you what's gonna be hard.
Getting Carlo off of crystal meth.
-You know what? -The guy loves it.
You're right.
My mom can't just shut me out of the bake-off because I'm gay.
-That's right! -Yes!
Let's make a fucking cake together!
But do I even want Carlo to get clean?
I mean, you couldn't do this if you weren't tweaked out of your mind
on that "Blue Delicious."
That's what Carlo calls it.
[organ playing somber tune]
Jay, Lola, I am so touched you're here for me today.
I'm here for Marty, as per usual. I am his rock.
That's very weird.
Andrew, out of the way!
-Oh, Lola. -Oh, my God.
This means the world.
Of course, Marty!
My son Andrew has made many mistakes in his life.
But losing you was the biggest.
Oh, my God. Totally.
I know it's a funeral, but aren't you kind of excited to see your old friends?
Not really.
It's not like I have anything cool to tell them about.
Hey, that's not true.
You got a block of cheese at home.
-Oh, right. -Oh, my God, Jessi!
Missy!
It's hard to be joyful right now on a somber occasion,
but let me just say, I missed you so much!
Wow, I love your new look!
Oh, well, it's actually an expression of my recent journey of self-discovery.
But enough about me, what about you?
How much are you I-hearting New York?
I saw a picture of your roguishly handsome boyfriend.
Eyebrows. Eyebrows.
Oh, my God, a million eyebrows, totally.
Can't wait to, uh, go back and continue to kill it.
I bet!
You know, for me, eighth grade has been a revelation as well.
Oh, dear.
Sounds like your friend is doing much better than you are.
And I'm happy for her.
It's so cool you can be happy for someone who's thriving
while you're circling the drain like a total turd.
Go, Jessi! Go off, Turd Kween!
Go tell Jessi your dream about how soft she made your dick!
Uh-huh. Well, I'm gonna go talk to Jessi,
but not about my soft dick, you wretched fucking moron.
[laughs] Yeah, okay. Go off, Turd Kween.
-Hey, Romeo! I bet you thought I was dead -[gasps]
'cause you watched that sinkhole gobble me up
-like a Sour Patch Kid. -Yeah...
Hey, you wanna 'splode one of them long, fancy funeral cars?
-Maybe after the service? -Where you looking?
-What? -You looking past me?
-No. -I'll punch your nose bone up
into your thinking sponge. Bam! And you know what it'll be?
-What? -Double funeral.
-Guess who. -Joy Behar!
[laughs] You're such a nervous nerd. I love it.
-[laughs] -Hey, wouldn't it be so twisted
if we made out in the coat room?
I bet it smells like moldy pashminas in there.
Oh, fuck.
Yeah, let's go turn that coat room into the Burlington "Chode" Factory.
No, no. I can't!
Fine, then you gotta take care of that zipper-busting boner, bud.
The levee's gonna burst, and George Bush doesn't care about Black people.
-What? -Just jerk off.
Okay! [gasps]
Oh, Zaide!
Okay, I know it's not ideal, but it is an empty room.
Maury, I can't possibly jerk off in here.
I know, I know. There's no tissues.
But where Zaide's going, he doesn't need that pocket square.
[guests chattering]
Hey, are you all right?
Yeah, come on. Let's tear off this Band-Aid.
Okay, here we go.
-What's wrong? You don't like church? -Oh, I'm just nervous to see Jesus.
He's so hot, and every time I see him,
he looks deep into my eyes, and I'm like, "Are you into me or what?"
Jesus loves everybody, Maury. That's his whole thing.
[chuckles] Yeah, but with me, it's different.
Kimberly, there's your handsome son.
And, oh, he's got a stylish friend.
Matthew, what are you doing here?
Well, at the very last minute,
I was able to find someone who actually wanted to bake with me.
So nice to see you again, Mrs. MacDell.
Hello! I don't believe we've met before.
Paula, this is Matthew's... friend Aiden.
What? You're more than friends. He's your boyfriend!
Actually, Paula, we're more than friends.
That's right! They're baking partners!
[laughs]
Two male bakers? I can't even imagine how that would work.
Paula, I think I saw your pregnant daughter outside smoking.
Oh, I just cannot get her to stop.
Oh, well, that doesn't look like a cake.
We made cake pops.
And I made my famous Swiss roll!
The filling has been in my family's nutsacks for generations.
Oh, Zaide, I'm so sorry I killed you.
You see, the filling is my cum!
What did you just say?
-Oh, sorry, that's from the other story. -[crashes]
Let me catch up. Dead grandpa, fuck cousin...
Okay, now, you've got to jerk off so we can get back to the funeral
and be so respectful.
You want me to jerk off next to my dead grandfather, who I killed?
They'll be putting you in the dirt right next to him
if you don't release some love mud soon.
Your bear is right.
-Zaide! -You should yoidle your doidle.
Oh, Zaide, I am so sorry that I killed you.
Yeah, I know you are, Andrew.
I can't stand to watch you suffer under so much stress.
Oh, stress you don't know.
My whole body is tense, like Joe Biden is whispering a dirty joke in my ear.
You'd feel so much better if you just touch yourself,
and I want that for you.
You do?
Yes, Andrew.
Do this for me. Yoidle your doidle in my honor.
What say you? For Zaide?
[unzips zipper]
-For Zaide. -For Zaide!
For Zaide!
The service is about to start!
-Andrew! -Andrew, where the fudge are you?
[Andrew] Oh, for Zaide!
-♪ I'm yoidling my doidle ♪ -[squelching]
[both scream]
-Andrew! -No! Look away!
In front of your Zaide?
And where's his pocket square?
-What is the matter with you? -[gasping]
God! Eww, Andrew!
He's fiddlin' with his ding-dong! [laughs]
Your son's a freakin' creep!
No, no, please!
You gotta understand, this is what Zaide wanted!
[cackling]
Yep. Public humiliation is exactly what I wanted.
You killed me, and I'll never forgive you!
[gasps] A revenge plot!
Oh, shit.
Marty, have we raised a monster?
Yes! I've been saying that for years!
Who was Lewis Glouberman?
He, for one, was the father of Marty Glouberman,
-one of my least favorite congregants. -[crying]
My God, you just got name-checked by the Jew priest. Go, Marty! [chuckles]
-Andrew! -[gasps]
You've outdone yourself this time!
I know! I'm disgusting.
I killed my grandpa.
And then you jacked off in front of his corpse.
You sound almost proud of me.
Andrew, I work with many loathsome creeps, but none as consistently wretched as you.
-Thank you? -No, thank you!
How does one measure a life?
By the friends you've gained?
-Or by the friends you've lost? -[sighs]
[rabbi] By the number of school days you've gone truant?
-What the... -Or the number of tampons you've ruined?
What the fuck is going on?
You keep messing up, Jessi! You can't help it!
And when you die, this is what they're gonna say.
"You were a loser, a fuck-up,
and you squandered your potential. Shabbat Shalom!"
Shut up! Leave me alone!
Jelly Bean, what's going on?
I just need some air.
Whoa, Rick, she's leaving the funeral.
Just like in my crazy dream about the future.
I should go after her, right?
Yeah, man. Show her your mooshy-smooshy.
Uh, okay. You stay here.
Okay, I love to sit, man.
I love sitting down.
Mmm! Well, this is a tasty cake pop! [chuckles]
Matthew, I think your mom is leaving.
She's probably gotta get Brittany back to ugly jail.
Mom! So, you're just gonna leave without saying goodbye?
I'm sorry, I can't... [sighs]
Maybe I'm old-fashioned,
but I just don't think two boys should be "baking" together.
Mom, didn't you always know I would end up "baking" with a boy?
No, you're choosing to bake with boys.
You don't have to.
You could make a beautiful cake with a woman.
Oh, Mom.
I'm not going to make a cake with a woman. Ever!
I don't like the ingredients.
I don't understand the utensils. Nothing would rise--
I do not like this metaphor anymore, Matthew!
Okay, how about this, Mom?
I'm gay.
I know you think that, but you're only 13.
How can you know?
Because I... I just know.
And deep down, you have to know too.
I mean, how many times a year do we watch Dreamgirls?
And that was so much fun.
We can still have fun!
No, it's all different now.
I saw your texts.
I know what that eggplant emoji is,
and all the things you're doing with each other's vegetables.
Mom, I haven't done any of those things. Really.
But... [sighs]
But you want to,
and I just can't stand the idea of you making these sinful choices
and baking in hell for all eternity, because Jesus is watching!
Whoa, easy, lady! Leave me out of it.
Oh, hey, Jesus.
Maury! Did you do something different with your hair?
Oh, I just, you know, got it pubed. Do you like it?
Honestly, I kind of liked it the way it was before.
Yeah, you're right, it fucking sucks. I'm an idiot.
You, on the other hand, you rock.
You rock so hard, Jesus. I love you so much.
Hey, Jessi. Wait up.
-What do you want? -I don't know, I guess I just...
-I wanted to see if you were okay? -[scoffs] I'm fine.
-Yeah, we're doing fine. -Are you sure?
Yeah, I'm totally, um... [sighs]
No. I'm not great, actually.
I'm not fine. Everything's the worst!
-I'm failing out of school-- -They put her on the dummy truck.
My dad's place sucks.
Her roommate's a bike!
And Michael Angelo dumped me.
[sobs] His penis sounded like Ray Romano!
Oh, man. That all does sound like it sucks.
[sighs] It does.
You want a hug?
Yes.
Oh, Nick's a good friend.
[sighs]
Thank you. I really needed a hug.
Of course.
It's always been you.
And it's always been you.
Whoa! Whoa! What are you doing?
Nothing, I'm not doing anything. I just--
Why'd he try to kiss you? You were crying!
I can't believe you just tried to kiss me!
I know. I was... I...
Okay, I can explain. I had this dream...
-What? -...where we were kissing.
-What? -And I thought--
My real life is falling apart, and I needed you to be my friend,
and you're making it fucking gross! Ugh!
Yeah, you little prick!
Nick, I brought you a condom just in case.
That's a yarmulke.
Yeah, it's a special Jew condom.
It's a condom for your head.
[chattering]
What are we supposed to do with you?
Military school? Chemical castration?
-Castration? -Ugh!
The goodies are in danger.
I think you've gotta come clean.
Okay, yeah. [sniffles]
Mom, Dad... [sobs]
I killed Zaide!
-I knew it! -What are you talking about?
I have this special set of rules I do
when I'm personally intimate with myself.
And I didn't do them one time, and then Zaide died!
It's my fault!
I'm sorry I killed him by jerking off wrong! [sobbing]
[Marty groans]
Oh, Andrew, you didn't kill your grandfather.
I didn't?
Of course not, that's not how death works.
Oh, thank God.
Death is completely random and uncontrollable.
And it lurks around every corner.
-What's that now? -Disease, murder, car accidents.
I'm in cars all the time.
Choking on a peach pit.
Faulty elevators.
-Hurricanes! -Active shooters!
What about solar flares?
-Polio's making a comeback. -Oh, yeah.
Every time you close your eyes, Andrew,
there's a chance you'll never wake up again!
A good chance! You have bad genes!
-Oh, God, they're right. -There's nothing I can do. I'm gonna die.
-[Tito] We're all gonna die! -I've got one.
A whorehouse madam with a little gun she keeps in her bosom,
and when you turn around to wash your hands in that weird tin basin,
-she gonna shoot ya. -[sobs]
I just really wanted a hug.
I guess nobody cares about you.
And why should they?
You're a loser and a fuck-up.
[gasps] Maybe it's time to shave off your eyebrows.
Oh, Jessi, there you are.
Your mom and I have been talking.
About what a loser and fuck-up I am?
-What? No, of course not. -[Shannon sighs]
We actually think you might be happier if you moved in with your dad for a while.
-So you're getting rid of me? -Oh, dear.
You're like one of those stained mattresses
left out on the sidewalk.
Jessi Bear, no!
I'm gonna miss you so much, but I was wrong.
It was selfish of me to make you move to the city.
-Yeah, it really was. -Greg...
What? I'm agreeing with you.
[scoffs] Fucking impossible.
You can go back to your old school with all of your friends.
Yeah, and we're finally gonna get you a therapist to talk to.
Oh my! Good luck to that poor shrink.
-And therapy's so expensive. -I know.
Your daddy's gonna be restocking red pepper hummus
for the rest of his life.
Oh, no, you don't!
These parents are finally getting their shit together.
Now leave her the fuck alone!
Jessi, everything's gonna be okay.
-Really? -Yeah.
-Okay. -I promise, honey.
Thanks, guys. I love you.
Kiddo, we love you too.
-Aw! -So so much.
Ooh, I'm gonna tell Greg to stick his tongue up Shannon's nose.
Hot and heavy.
Rick, sit down and shut the fuck up!
With genuine pleasure. I love sitting down, baby.
So, how was the big bake-off this year?
Oh, um, it was fine.
We both lost.
Well, maybe next year, you'll have to get the old dynamic duo back together.
[laughs] No offense, Brittany.
[laughs] Oh, your dad hates Brittany too. I can tell.
May I please be excused?
You're a big boy now.
You can do whatever you want.
Thank God.
I couldn't look at Brittany for another second.
I mean, who needs both hands to pick up a fucking glass?
Am I right?
[vibrates]
Oh, you got a text from Aiden. He wants to know how you're doing.
Just ignore it.
Don't you want to tell him what an ice queen your mom was at dinner?
Honestly, I just wish we could go back to the way things were.
Yeah, before women could vote and you could smoke on a plane? Sure.
No. Before my mom saw those texts.
Oh, that. Right, yeah.
She'll get over it. You're her favorite!
Yeah, I'm not so sure anymore.
Aww, Matt. Why don't you sing a song about it?
♪ Once we had a bond That seemed unbreakable ♪
♪ Once I had a place where I belonged ♪
♪ And I guess I thought Our friendship was unshakable ♪
♪ But now I'm stuck here Singin' my sappy song ♪
♪ 'Cause I used to be her favorite ♪
♪ Yeah, I used to be her favorite ♪
♪ I'd linger on the bad times ♪
♪ But every memory is good ♪
♪ I never dreamed that she'd replace me ♪
♪ 'Cause I thought nobody could ♪
♪ And all that went unspoken ♪
♪ I believed was understood ♪
♪ And, oh, how it sucks to be so wrong ♪
♪ 'Cause I used to be her favorite ♪
♪ I used to be her favorite ♪
♪ Oooh, ooh, ooh ♪
[sobbing]
Fuck her, man. You sing like a goddamn angel,
and you got the heart of a champion.
[sobbing]
I don't know why I'm crying,
I'm gonna see you tomorrow morning when I bring your clothes.
Can you also bring my shampoo?
Dad's shower only has a bar of Irish Spring,
and it's, like, thin and curling.
Of course!
Maybe could you bring some of your spinach dip?
Last time you said it was loose and wet.
Well, that time it was, but it's usually so good!
[sobs] Oh, Jessi Bear!
And maybe bring my sheets 'cause Dad's are burgundy and weird.
Don't worry, honey, I'm gonna take you to Target tomorrow
and spend so much money.
Okay, good, 'cause I don't wanna sleep on four Phantom Menace promotional pillows.
-[chuckles] -[bell rings]
Bye! I love you! I'll see you in 11 hours!
[Jessi] Okay!
Well, you know what I've always said
-about Shannon. -What?
She's a smart, nice mommy, and I love her so much!
♪ Jesse, I'll always cut fresh flowers For you ♪
♪ And, Jesse, I'll will make the wine cold For you ♪
♪ Oh, Jesse, I will change the sheets For you ♪
♪ Put on cologne And I will wait by the phone for you ♪
♪ Oh, Jesse! ♪
♪ La-la-la la-la ♪
♪ Oh, Jesse! ♪
♪ La-la-la la-la… ♪
[kazoo plays]
-[man] Fathouse. -[ticking]
-[man] Chirp. -[man 2 laughs] "Good at Bizness."