1 00:00:07,737 --> 00:00:10,281 [Marty] Skip, are you out of your mind? 2 00:00:10,364 --> 00:00:13,617 I gave you that two grand to fly Dad's body home. 3 00:00:13,701 --> 00:00:14,952 And now you're at Foxwoods? 4 00:00:15,036 --> 00:00:18,622 Foxwoods Resort and Casino? Where elegance meets comfort? 5 00:00:18,706 --> 00:00:20,458 Of course I love Sinbad, 6 00:00:20,541 --> 00:00:23,377 but that doesn't mean you leave Dad's coffin festering in a parking lot... 7 00:00:23,461 --> 00:00:25,629 ...-lemon maternity catalog! 8 00:00:25,713 --> 00:00:27,965 A tissue, two, three, four. 9 00:00:28,049 --> 00:00:30,760 This is it. I can feel it in my tight, smooth sack. 10 00:00:30,843 --> 00:00:32,887 We're gonna get through the method this time. 11 00:00:32,970 --> 00:00:34,638 Stay focused! I can't stay up all night. 12 00:00:34,722 --> 00:00:36,557 I'm getting my hair pubed in the morning. 13 00:00:36,640 --> 00:00:38,225 You're getting your hair pubed? 14 00:00:38,309 --> 00:00:39,810 Carlo is opening early for me. 15 00:00:39,894 --> 00:00:41,854 -That's a funny thing for someone-- -Andrew, focus! 16 00:00:41,937 --> 00:00:43,314 Okay, tissue one... 17 00:00:43,397 --> 00:00:44,440 -Two... -Three... 18 00:00:44,523 --> 00:00:45,900 Oh, fuck! I ripped it! 19 00:00:45,983 --> 00:00:48,527 It's fine! A ripped tissue still holds jizz. 20 00:00:48,611 --> 00:00:50,988 It says so on the bottom of every box of Puffs. 21 00:00:51,072 --> 00:00:51,906 No, no, no! 22 00:00:51,989 --> 00:00:56,118 The tissues have to be perfect to hold his huge amounts of icky-sticky. 23 00:00:56,202 --> 00:00:58,621 -Oh, here we go. -Yeah, I should start over. 24 00:00:58,704 --> 00:00:59,663 This is madness. 25 00:00:59,747 --> 00:01:02,374 -You desperately need to jack that stack. -I know. 26 00:01:02,458 --> 00:01:05,044 It's the only way to relieve your stress and anxiety. 27 00:01:05,127 --> 00:01:07,129 I feel like I'm gonna have a juvenile heart attack. 28 00:01:07,213 --> 00:01:08,130 So masturbate! 29 00:01:08,214 --> 00:01:10,257 No! Last time you yanked your sick little chode 30 00:01:10,341 --> 00:01:13,552 without the Glouberman method, you killed your grandfather! 31 00:01:13,636 --> 00:01:15,805 Tito's right. I'm just gonna go to sleep. 32 00:01:15,888 --> 00:01:18,516 What? You've never gone to bed without jerking off, 33 00:01:18,599 --> 00:01:20,059 and I don't respond well to change. 34 00:01:20,142 --> 00:01:21,894 We can try again in the morning. 35 00:01:21,977 --> 00:01:22,978 In the morning? 36 00:01:23,062 --> 00:01:24,939 That's when I'm getting my hair pubed, 37 00:01:25,022 --> 00:01:28,734 and believe me, the audience wants to see what that is! 38 00:01:28,818 --> 00:01:30,778 You! You at home! 39 00:01:30,861 --> 00:01:32,696 Get up out of your chairs! 40 00:01:32,780 --> 00:01:37,326 Say it! "I'm mad as hell that Maury might not get his hair pubed, 41 00:01:37,409 --> 00:01:40,162 and I'm not going to take this anymore!" 42 00:01:40,246 --> 00:01:42,248 ["Changes" by Charles Bradley plays] 43 00:01:42,623 --> 00:01:48,045 ♪ I'm going through changes ♪ 44 00:01:52,091 --> 00:01:57,805 ♪ I'm going through changes ♪ 45 00:01:58,264 --> 00:02:00,683 ♪ Oh, in my life ♪ 46 00:02:01,851 --> 00:02:05,187 ♪ Oh, ooh, ooh! ♪ 47 00:02:13,404 --> 00:02:15,614 Your dad'll be waiting for you when you get off the train. 48 00:02:15,698 --> 00:02:17,908 [sighs] I don't wanna go back to Bridgeton, 49 00:02:17,992 --> 00:02:20,619 I don't wanna see Nick, and I don't wanna go to that funeral. 50 00:02:20,703 --> 00:02:24,206 Yeah, everyone's gonna know you failed at being a city girl. 51 00:02:24,290 --> 00:02:27,459 You suck shit at school. Your boyfriend dumped you. 52 00:02:27,543 --> 00:02:30,087 You cannot handle the hustle nor the bustle! 53 00:02:30,171 --> 00:02:31,046 [groans] 54 00:02:31,130 --> 00:02:34,341 And get some details about this cheese girl your dad is dating. 55 00:02:34,425 --> 00:02:36,927 Like, is she actually pretty, or is she just young? 56 00:02:37,011 --> 00:02:37,928 Okay! 57 00:02:38,012 --> 00:02:39,722 Fuck you, Shannon. Eat a pussy. 58 00:02:39,805 --> 00:02:40,848 Hi, girls! 59 00:02:40,931 --> 00:02:43,267 -Oh, shit. -We saved you a seat. 60 00:02:43,350 --> 00:02:44,685 It's wet! 61 00:02:44,768 --> 00:02:46,145 Let's not sit with them. 62 00:02:46,228 --> 00:02:49,231 -Let's sit with this nice man who is... -[squelching] 63 00:02:49,356 --> 00:02:51,025 ...jacking off underneath his Kindle. 64 00:02:51,108 --> 00:02:52,610 -Ugh! -Come on, man! 65 00:02:52,693 --> 00:02:54,195 [Maury] Hey, Matthew, check it out. 66 00:02:54,278 --> 00:02:58,073 I got a new apron for the church bake-off sale for my dear friend Mario. 67 00:02:58,157 --> 00:02:59,950 "I Believe Batali." 68 00:03:00,034 --> 00:03:02,328 Really? That's the hill you're gonna die on? 69 00:03:02,411 --> 00:03:04,872 Oh, it's tucked under.  Hold on, here we go. 70 00:03:04,955 --> 00:03:06,832 -[Matthew] Oh, much better. -[chuckles] 71 00:03:06,916 --> 00:03:08,459 -But still weird. -Let's go! 72 00:03:08,542 --> 00:03:10,628 [groans] I guess we should head down to the kitchen. 73 00:03:10,711 --> 00:03:13,589 Aren't you excited for special bake time with Mommy? 74 00:03:13,672 --> 00:03:15,591 It's gonna be so awkward this year. 75 00:03:15,674 --> 00:03:17,593 But Mommy lets us lick the spoon. 76 00:03:17,676 --> 00:03:19,637 Yes, I know you love the spoon, 77 00:03:19,720 --> 00:03:22,181 but I think she saw my dirty texts  with Aiden. 78 00:03:22,264 --> 00:03:24,016 Well, then great! I mean, come on. 79 00:03:24,099 --> 00:03:26,894 She knows you're gay, and now it'll be out in the open. 80 00:03:26,977 --> 00:03:27,853 I don't know. 81 00:03:27,937 --> 00:03:29,813 You'll finally be able to talk to her about 82 00:03:29,897 --> 00:03:33,025 which of the Jonas Brothers has the tastiest penis. 83 00:03:33,108 --> 00:03:34,652 I know for a fact it's Joe. 84 00:03:34,735 --> 00:03:37,154 Oh, be careful pouring that flour, hon. 85 00:03:37,238 --> 00:03:38,739 We don't want to make a mess. 86 00:03:38,822 --> 00:03:41,533 Look, Matthew, I'm measuring flour! 87 00:03:41,617 --> 00:03:44,662 Oh, is Brittany helping us today? 88 00:03:44,745 --> 00:03:47,623 I asked your sister to do the bake-off with me this year. 89 00:03:47,706 --> 00:03:49,708 Honey, you want to lick the spoon? 90 00:03:49,792 --> 00:03:52,253 She's letting Brittany lick the spoon? 91 00:03:52,336 --> 00:03:55,506 I figured you'd be too busy with your "new friends." 92 00:03:55,589 --> 00:03:59,760 Oh, well, that's actually great, because I am busy, 93 00:03:59,843 --> 00:04:01,720 and I'm thrilled to get this time back. 94 00:04:01,804 --> 00:04:03,347 No, you're not! You're crushed! 95 00:04:03,430 --> 00:04:05,474 And there's only one person to blame. 96 00:04:05,557 --> 00:04:07,142 Fucking Brittany! 97 00:04:07,226 --> 00:04:09,061 Brittany's such a busted bitch. 98 00:04:09,144 --> 00:04:10,646 She's got, like, no teeth. 99 00:04:10,729 --> 00:04:13,565 -Like, hello! Meth head, please. -Maury, she's seven. 100 00:04:13,649 --> 00:04:15,776 Yeah, she might be seven, but let's be honest, Matt. 101 00:04:15,859 --> 00:04:17,278 She's a fucking three. 102 00:04:17,861 --> 00:04:20,531 People really love those pretzel nuggets with peanut butter. 103 00:04:20,614 --> 00:04:22,783 So what I'm thinking is, you flip it, all right? 104 00:04:22,866 --> 00:04:25,828 Clumps of peanut butter with pretzels inside! 105 00:04:25,911 --> 00:04:28,747 Wouldn't that just melt into one big glob of peanut butter? 106 00:04:28,831 --> 00:04:32,167 That's what the chocolate spoon is for. [imitates explosion] 107 00:04:32,251 --> 00:04:33,502 Is your mind blown? 108 00:04:33,585 --> 00:04:35,546 -Oh, yeah, you've solved it. -[laughs] 109 00:04:35,629 --> 00:04:38,882 These might be good if I was, like, high. 110 00:04:38,966 --> 00:04:41,135 But I'm not because I am at work. 111 00:04:41,218 --> 00:04:44,054 Okay, I hereby present... [imitates fanfare] 112 00:04:44,138 --> 00:04:47,141 ...the Jelly Bean wing of Dad's crash pad! 113 00:04:47,224 --> 00:04:50,728 Wow, Dad. This is awesome. 114 00:04:50,811 --> 00:04:52,813 Oops, actually meant to move my recumbent bike out 115 00:04:52,896 --> 00:04:54,481 to the living room before I picked you up. 116 00:04:54,565 --> 00:04:57,526 I think he's trying to send you a message. 117 00:04:57,609 --> 00:05:00,112 That you're totally in the way and he doesn't want you here. 118 00:05:00,195 --> 00:05:02,489 Oh, I think Caitlin's here. Come on. Shit! 119 00:05:02,573 --> 00:05:03,907 [groans] 120 00:05:03,991 --> 00:05:05,909 Jessi, this is Caitlin. 121 00:05:05,993 --> 00:05:08,954 Caitlin, this is the one and only Jessi Glaser. 122 00:05:09,038 --> 00:05:10,331 Jessi! 123 00:05:10,414 --> 00:05:13,917 Oh, man, I've heard so much about you. You're, like, famous to me. 124 00:05:14,001 --> 00:05:15,961 Oh, cool. No autographs. 125 00:05:16,045 --> 00:05:19,340 [laughs] Yeah. She is funny. 126 00:05:19,423 --> 00:05:23,093 Actually, that's why I brought you, um, Humboldt Fog. 127 00:05:23,177 --> 00:05:24,678 It's the funniest cheese. 128 00:05:24,762 --> 00:05:27,222 This is like having John Popper pick out a harmonica for you. 129 00:05:27,306 --> 00:05:29,933 Yeah. No, this is cool. 130 00:05:30,017 --> 00:05:31,310 I love... I love cheese. 131 00:05:31,393 --> 00:05:33,854 So do I, but I'm lactose intolerant. 132 00:05:33,937 --> 00:05:37,107 I eat it anyway. Makes my farts sting. 133 00:05:37,191 --> 00:05:38,275 You okay, Jess? 134 00:05:38,359 --> 00:05:40,235 I know it must be a little weird meeting Caitlin. 135 00:05:40,319 --> 00:05:42,279 No, it's fine. She's fine. 136 00:05:42,363 --> 00:05:44,698 -I'm... I'm glad you're happy. -Mm! 137 00:05:44,823 --> 00:05:46,158 Did you go get high? 138 00:05:46,241 --> 00:05:49,787 Did I? Did I? Dido? What happened to Dido? 139 00:05:49,870 --> 00:05:51,413 Did Dido do that? 140 00:05:51,497 --> 00:05:53,248 [laughs] I'm high. 141 00:05:53,332 --> 00:05:55,501 [Andrew] Tissue, two, three, four... 142 00:05:55,584 --> 00:05:57,795 Four pristine tissues. You're so close. 143 00:05:57,878 --> 00:06:00,672 I can't even concentrate with that hair. 144 00:06:00,756 --> 00:06:03,550 I wanted it to look natural. Does it look natural? 145 00:06:03,634 --> 00:06:06,053 Like an off-putting afro of pubes? 146 00:06:06,136 --> 00:06:07,888 -Mm-hmm, yeah. -Then, mission accomplished. 147 00:06:07,971 --> 00:06:11,642 Great! All right, then squeeze that fat little cutie until the juice comes out. 148 00:06:11,725 --> 00:06:16,230 Indeed. And now, one perfect dollop of lotion. 149 00:06:16,313 --> 00:06:17,314 -[car horn honks] -[yelps] 150 00:06:17,398 --> 00:06:19,775 No! Marc Marone! 151 00:06:19,858 --> 00:06:20,818 What the fuck? 152 00:06:20,901 --> 00:06:24,446 Hey, for God's sakes, a kid's trying to masturbate up here! 153 00:06:24,530 --> 00:06:25,489 Oh, tell me more, cuz. 154 00:06:25,572 --> 00:06:27,491 You trying to squirt some babies onto your carpet? 155 00:06:27,574 --> 00:06:29,159 -Oh, boy. -[Marty grunting] 156 00:06:29,243 --> 00:06:31,245 -Kill your brother outside, Marty! -All right! Okay! 157 00:06:31,328 --> 00:06:33,330 -That's what your father would've wanted. -That's it! 158 00:06:33,414 --> 00:06:36,083 I can't believe you stuffed Dad into the back of a Jeep! 159 00:06:36,166 --> 00:06:38,961 [chuckles] What? Are you worried he's gonna get more dead? 160 00:06:39,044 --> 00:06:42,256 Whew-inga! He smells like bologna soup left out in the sun. 161 00:06:42,339 --> 00:06:43,924 -Look at me. Look at me. -I'm looking! 162 00:06:44,007 --> 00:06:46,385 Your daddy dead, and he ain't never coming back. 163 00:06:46,468 --> 00:06:47,970 Ha! Thank you for the closure. 164 00:06:48,053 --> 00:06:49,263 -Hey, Andy. -Hi. 165 00:06:49,346 --> 00:06:51,014 Wanna see my phone's lock screen? 166 00:06:51,098 --> 00:06:55,227 Oh! That is my nude penis. Oh, that's nice. 167 00:06:55,310 --> 00:06:58,063 Andrew, you stay away from your cousin, you pervert. 168 00:06:58,147 --> 00:06:59,398 Oh, I definitely will. 169 00:06:59,481 --> 00:07:00,482 What? Why? 170 00:07:00,566 --> 00:07:02,526 Don't you want to grief-hump your cousin? 171 00:07:02,609 --> 00:07:04,945 Have her sit shiva on your Hebrew National? 172 00:07:05,028 --> 00:07:08,157 No! When I broke the Method and jerked off to her picture, 173 00:07:08,240 --> 00:07:09,116 I killed my Zaide. 174 00:07:09,199 --> 00:07:12,161 Well, something's gotta give! Shout-out to Nancy Meyers. 175 00:07:12,244 --> 00:07:14,621 It's what women want! That baby boom! 176 00:07:14,705 --> 00:07:17,124 Maury, it's complicated. 177 00:07:17,207 --> 00:07:20,335 You think I don't want to put my Private Benjamin in her parent trap? 178 00:07:20,419 --> 00:07:21,795 -She did Parent Trap? -She wrote it. 179 00:07:21,879 --> 00:07:23,505 She's got a good body of work, Nancy Meyers. 180 00:07:23,589 --> 00:07:25,090 -Indeed. -Well, then at least jerk off! 181 00:07:25,174 --> 00:07:26,717 What's the worst that could happen? 182 00:07:26,800 --> 00:07:28,552 Oh, I'll take this one. 183 00:07:28,635 --> 00:07:30,220 Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. 184 00:07:30,304 --> 00:07:35,017 I'm not doing my method at all, and baby's gonna ruin his only winter hat! 185 00:07:35,100 --> 00:07:37,269 -[squeals joyously] -[birds squawking] 186 00:07:37,352 --> 00:07:41,607 Holy shit, I can't see! We're going down! 187 00:07:41,690 --> 00:07:43,692 [screaming] 188 00:07:43,775 --> 00:07:45,444 Can you draw me with a microphone? 189 00:07:45,527 --> 00:07:49,323 Because I am the profound, but never profane, comedian Sinbad. 190 00:07:49,406 --> 00:07:50,240 Whoa! 191 00:07:51,533 --> 00:07:52,993 That's exactly what would happen. 192 00:07:53,076 --> 00:07:54,912 -It sure is. -The stakes are too high, Maury. 193 00:07:54,995 --> 00:07:57,498 I gotta withhold my seed for the safety of mankind. 194 00:07:57,581 --> 00:07:59,082 It's the only choice. 195 00:07:59,166 --> 00:08:00,459 Well, then, fuck you. 196 00:08:00,542 --> 00:08:02,461 -I'm going to Matthew's story. -What? 197 00:08:02,544 --> 00:08:05,797 The bake-off was our thing, and now she's doing it with Brittany? 198 00:08:05,881 --> 00:08:07,549 Okay, crazy idea. 199 00:08:07,633 --> 00:08:10,052 -What if we entered the bake-off? -Aiden... 200 00:08:10,135 --> 00:08:11,053 I'm actually serious. 201 00:08:11,136 --> 00:08:14,181 Maybe if your mom sees how happy we are together and how gorgeous I am... 202 00:08:14,264 --> 00:08:15,098 Mm, you are gorgeous. 203 00:08:15,182 --> 00:08:17,434 ...she'll have an easier time with our relationship. 204 00:08:17,518 --> 00:08:19,102 Oh, what a dreamboat. 205 00:08:19,186 --> 00:08:22,439 Don't you want to just, like,  live in his sweet mouth? 206 00:08:22,523 --> 00:08:25,234 What the fuck happened to your hair? You look like Phil Spector. 207 00:08:25,317 --> 00:08:28,153 Thank you! That's exactly the reference I gave to Carlo. 208 00:08:28,237 --> 00:08:32,074 You gotta be very specific with him because he's oftentimes on crystal meth. 209 00:08:32,157 --> 00:08:34,326 So? I mean, I make a mean cake pop. 210 00:08:34,451 --> 00:08:38,247 My mother would lose her Christian shit if I showed up to the church bake-off 211 00:08:38,330 --> 00:08:39,498 with my gay boyfriend. 212 00:08:39,581 --> 00:08:40,624 Maybe that's a good thing. 213 00:08:40,707 --> 00:08:43,877 Maybe you just need to rip off the Band-Aid, start the conversation. 214 00:08:43,961 --> 00:08:45,003 I don't know. 215 00:08:45,087 --> 00:08:46,255 It'll be hard no matter what. 216 00:08:46,338 --> 00:08:47,756 I'll tell you what's gonna be hard. 217 00:08:47,839 --> 00:08:49,675 Getting Carlo off of crystal meth. 218 00:08:49,758 --> 00:08:50,926 -You know what? -The guy loves it. 219 00:08:51,009 --> 00:08:51,843 You're right. 220 00:08:51,927 --> 00:08:56,014 My mom can't just shut me out of the bake-off because I'm gay. 221 00:08:56,098 --> 00:08:57,182 -That's right! -Yes! 222 00:08:57,266 --> 00:08:59,226 Let's make a fucking cake together! 223 00:08:59,309 --> 00:09:01,853 But do I even want Carlo to get clean? 224 00:09:01,937 --> 00:09:05,440 I mean, you couldn't do this if you weren't tweaked out of your mind 225 00:09:05,524 --> 00:09:07,568 on that "Blue Delicious." 226 00:09:07,651 --> 00:09:09,111 That's what Carlo calls it. 227 00:09:09,194 --> 00:09:10,862 [organ playing somber tune] 228 00:09:10,946 --> 00:09:14,408 Jay, Lola, I am so touched you're here for me today. 229 00:09:14,491 --> 00:09:18,120 I'm here for Marty, as per usual. I am his rock. 230 00:09:18,203 --> 00:09:19,413 That's very weird. 231 00:09:19,496 --> 00:09:20,497 Andrew, out of the way! 232 00:09:20,581 --> 00:09:22,624 -Oh, Lola. -Oh, my God. 233 00:09:22,708 --> 00:09:23,584 This means the world. 234 00:09:23,667 --> 00:09:24,960 Of course, Marty! 235 00:09:25,043 --> 00:09:27,337 My son Andrew has made many mistakes in his life. 236 00:09:27,421 --> 00:09:29,172 But losing you was the biggest. 237 00:09:29,256 --> 00:09:31,341 Oh, my God. Totally. 238 00:09:31,425 --> 00:09:34,428 I know it's a funeral, but aren't you kind of excited to see your old friends? 239 00:09:34,511 --> 00:09:35,387 Not really. 240 00:09:35,470 --> 00:09:37,639 It's not like I have anything cool  to tell them about. 241 00:09:37,723 --> 00:09:39,141 Hey, that's not true. 242 00:09:39,224 --> 00:09:41,268 You got a block of cheese at home. 243 00:09:41,351 --> 00:09:43,061 -Oh, right. -Oh, my God, Jessi! 244 00:09:43,145 --> 00:09:43,979 Missy! 245 00:09:44,062 --> 00:09:46,231 It's hard to be joyful right now on a somber occasion, 246 00:09:46,315 --> 00:09:48,734 but let me just say, I missed you so much! 247 00:09:48,817 --> 00:09:50,360 Wow, I love your new look! 248 00:09:50,444 --> 00:09:54,072 Oh, well, it's actually an expression of my recent journey of self-discovery. 249 00:09:54,156 --> 00:09:55,699 But enough about me, what about you? 250 00:09:55,782 --> 00:09:58,160 How much are you I-hearting New York? 251 00:09:58,243 --> 00:10:01,163 I saw a picture  of your roguishly handsome boyfriend. 252 00:10:01,246 --> 00:10:02,581 Eyebrows. Eyebrows. 253 00:10:02,664 --> 00:10:04,750 Oh, my God, a million eyebrows, totally. 254 00:10:04,833 --> 00:10:07,252 Can't wait to, uh, go back and continue to kill it. 255 00:10:07,336 --> 00:10:08,503 I bet! 256 00:10:08,587 --> 00:10:12,215 You know, for me, eighth grade has been a revelation as well. 257 00:10:12,299 --> 00:10:13,175 Oh, dear. 258 00:10:13,258 --> 00:10:16,845 Sounds like your friend is doing much better than you are. 259 00:10:16,928 --> 00:10:18,055 And I'm happy for her. 260 00:10:18,138 --> 00:10:20,682 It's so cool you can be happy for someone who's thriving 261 00:10:20,766 --> 00:10:23,185 while you're circling the drain like a total turd. 262 00:10:23,268 --> 00:10:25,187 Go, Jessi! Go off, Turd Kween! 263 00:10:25,270 --> 00:10:28,398 Go tell Jessi your dream about how soft she made your dick! 264 00:10:28,482 --> 00:10:30,609 Uh-huh. Well, I'm gonna go talk to Jessi, 265 00:10:30,692 --> 00:10:33,612 but not about my soft dick, you wretched fucking moron. 266 00:10:33,695 --> 00:10:36,406 [laughs] Yeah, okay.  Go off, Turd Kween. 267 00:10:36,990 --> 00:10:38,950 -Hey, Romeo! I bet you thought I was dead -[gasps] 268 00:10:39,034 --> 00:10:40,911 'cause you watched that sinkhole gobble me up 269 00:10:40,994 --> 00:10:42,287 -like a Sour Patch Kid. -Yeah... 270 00:10:42,371 --> 00:10:44,665 Hey, you wanna 'splode one of them long, fancy funeral cars? 271 00:10:44,748 --> 00:10:46,249 -Maybe after the service? -Where you looking? 272 00:10:46,333 --> 00:10:47,292 -What? -You looking past me? 273 00:10:47,376 --> 00:10:49,419 -No. -I'll punch your nose bone up 274 00:10:49,503 --> 00:10:51,797 into your thinking sponge. Bam! And you know what it'll be? 275 00:10:51,880 --> 00:10:53,215 -What? -Double funeral. 276 00:10:53,298 --> 00:10:54,841 -Guess who. -Joy Behar! 277 00:10:54,925 --> 00:10:57,844 [laughs] You're such a nervous nerd. I love it. 278 00:10:57,928 --> 00:10:59,721 -[laughs] -Hey, wouldn't it be so twisted 279 00:10:59,805 --> 00:11:01,056 if we made out in the coat room? 280 00:11:01,139 --> 00:11:04,601 I bet it smells like moldy pashminas in there. 281 00:11:04,685 --> 00:11:05,644 Oh, fuck. 282 00:11:05,727 --> 00:11:09,773 Yeah, let's go turn that coat room into the Burlington "Chode" Factory. 283 00:11:09,856 --> 00:11:10,982 No, no. I can't! 284 00:11:11,066 --> 00:11:14,403 Fine, then you gotta take care of that zipper-busting boner, bud. 285 00:11:14,486 --> 00:11:18,490 The levee's gonna burst, and George Bush doesn't care about Black people. 286 00:11:18,573 --> 00:11:19,574 -What? -Just jerk off. 287 00:11:19,658 --> 00:11:21,201 Okay! [gasps] 288 00:11:21,284 --> 00:11:23,245 Oh, Zaide! 289 00:11:23,328 --> 00:11:27,124 Okay, I know it's not ideal, but it is an empty room. 290 00:11:27,207 --> 00:11:30,252 Maury, I can't possibly jerk off in here. 291 00:11:30,335 --> 00:11:32,295 I know, I know. There's no tissues. 292 00:11:32,379 --> 00:11:35,841 But where Zaide's going, he doesn't need that pocket square. 293 00:11:37,175 --> 00:11:39,010 [guests chattering] 294 00:11:39,720 --> 00:11:41,012 Hey, are you all right? 295 00:11:41,096 --> 00:11:43,974 Yeah, come on. Let's tear off this Band-Aid. 296 00:11:44,057 --> 00:11:45,058 Okay, here we go. 297 00:11:45,142 --> 00:11:48,228 -What's wrong? You don't like church? -Oh, I'm just nervous to see Jesus. 298 00:11:48,311 --> 00:11:50,397 He's so hot, and every time I see him, 299 00:11:50,480 --> 00:11:54,109 he looks deep into my eyes, and I'm like, "Are you into me or what?" 300 00:11:54,192 --> 00:11:56,653 Jesus loves everybody, Maury. That's his whole thing. 301 00:11:56,737 --> 00:11:59,030 [chuckles] Yeah, but with me, it's different. 302 00:11:59,114 --> 00:12:02,075 Kimberly, there's your handsome son. 303 00:12:02,159 --> 00:12:04,619 And, oh, he's got a stylish friend. 304 00:12:04,703 --> 00:12:07,122 Matthew, what are you doing here? 305 00:12:07,205 --> 00:12:08,623 Well, at the very last minute, 306 00:12:08,707 --> 00:12:11,835 I was able to find someone who actually wanted to bake with me. 307 00:12:11,918 --> 00:12:14,463 So nice to see you again, Mrs. MacDell. 308 00:12:14,546 --> 00:12:17,466 Hello! I don't believe we've met before. 309 00:12:17,549 --> 00:12:20,719 Paula, this is Matthew's... friend Aiden. 310 00:12:20,802 --> 00:12:23,764 What? You're more than friends. He's your boyfriend! 311 00:12:23,847 --> 00:12:26,266 Actually, Paula, we're more than friends. 312 00:12:26,349 --> 00:12:28,351 That's right! They're baking partners! 313 00:12:28,435 --> 00:12:29,603 [laughs] 314 00:12:29,686 --> 00:12:33,398 Two male bakers? I can't even imagine how that would work. 315 00:12:33,482 --> 00:12:37,527 Paula, I think I saw your pregnant daughter outside smoking. 316 00:12:37,611 --> 00:12:39,863 Oh, I just cannot get her to stop. 317 00:12:40,197 --> 00:12:42,491 Oh, well, that doesn't look like a cake. 318 00:12:42,574 --> 00:12:43,700 We made cake pops. 319 00:12:43,784 --> 00:12:46,119 And I made my famous Swiss roll! 320 00:12:46,203 --> 00:12:49,873 The filling has been in my family's nutsacks for generations. 321 00:12:49,956 --> 00:12:52,709 Oh, Zaide, I'm so sorry I killed you. 322 00:12:52,793 --> 00:12:55,545 You see, the filling is my cum! 323 00:12:55,629 --> 00:12:56,963 What did you just say? 324 00:12:57,047 --> 00:12:59,090 -Oh, sorry, that's from the other story. -[crashes] 325 00:12:59,174 --> 00:13:01,218 Let me catch up. Dead grandpa, fuck cousin... 326 00:13:01,301 --> 00:13:04,930 Okay, now, you've got to jerk off so we can get back to the funeral 327 00:13:05,013 --> 00:13:07,224 and be so respectful. 328 00:13:07,307 --> 00:13:12,229 You want me to jerk off next to my dead grandfather, who I killed? 329 00:13:12,312 --> 00:13:14,356 They'll be putting you in the dirt right next to him 330 00:13:14,439 --> 00:13:16,483 if you don't release some love mud soon. 331 00:13:16,566 --> 00:13:18,235 Your bear is right. 332 00:13:18,527 --> 00:13:20,487 -Zaide! -You should yoidle your doidle. 333 00:13:20,570 --> 00:13:24,074 Oh, Zaide, I am so sorry that I killed you. 334 00:13:24,157 --> 00:13:25,325 Yeah, I know you are, Andrew. 335 00:13:25,408 --> 00:13:28,161 I can't stand to watch you suffer under so much stress. 336 00:13:28,245 --> 00:13:29,746 Oh, stress you don't know. 337 00:13:29,830 --> 00:13:34,251 My whole body is tense, like Joe Biden is whispering a dirty joke in my ear. 338 00:13:34,334 --> 00:13:37,671 You'd feel so much better if you just touch yourself, 339 00:13:37,754 --> 00:13:39,589 and I want that for you. 340 00:13:39,673 --> 00:13:40,674 You do? 341 00:13:40,757 --> 00:13:41,800 Yes, Andrew. 342 00:13:41,883 --> 00:13:45,345 Do this for me. Yoidle your doidle in my honor. 343 00:13:45,428 --> 00:13:47,347 What say you? For Zaide? 344 00:13:47,764 --> 00:13:48,598 [unzips zipper] 345 00:13:48,682 --> 00:13:49,808 -For Zaide. -For Zaide! 346 00:13:49,891 --> 00:13:51,101 For Zaide! 347 00:13:51,184 --> 00:13:53,061 The service is about to start! 348 00:13:53,144 --> 00:13:54,938 -Andrew! -Andrew, where the fudge are you? 349 00:13:55,021 --> 00:13:56,857 [Andrew] Oh, for Zaide! 350 00:13:56,940 --> 00:14:00,735 -♪ I'm yoidling my doidle ♪ -[squelching] 351 00:14:00,819 --> 00:14:01,778 [both scream] 352 00:14:01,862 --> 00:14:03,071 -Andrew! -No! Look away! 353 00:14:03,154 --> 00:14:04,281 In front of your Zaide? 354 00:14:04,364 --> 00:14:05,949 And where's his pocket square? 355 00:14:06,032 --> 00:14:07,659 -What is the matter with you? -[gasping] 356 00:14:07,742 --> 00:14:09,452 God! Eww, Andrew! 357 00:14:09,536 --> 00:14:11,329 He's fiddlin' with his ding-dong! [laughs] 358 00:14:11,413 --> 00:14:13,206 Your son's a freakin' creep! 359 00:14:13,290 --> 00:14:14,332 No, no, please! 360 00:14:14,416 --> 00:14:17,752 You gotta understand, this is what Zaide wanted! 361 00:14:17,836 --> 00:14:19,504 [cackling] 362 00:14:19,588 --> 00:14:23,425 Yep. Public humiliation is exactly what I wanted. 363 00:14:23,508 --> 00:14:26,261 You killed me, and I'll never forgive you! 364 00:14:26,344 --> 00:14:28,054 [gasps] A revenge plot! 365 00:14:28,138 --> 00:14:29,472 Oh, shit. 366 00:14:29,556 --> 00:14:31,808 Marty, have we raised a monster? 367 00:14:31,892 --> 00:14:34,769 Yes! I've been saying that for years! 368 00:14:34,853 --> 00:14:37,272 Who was Lewis Glouberman? 369 00:14:37,355 --> 00:14:40,275 He, for one, was the father of Marty Glouberman, 370 00:14:40,358 --> 00:14:43,069 -one of my least favorite congregants. -[crying] 371 00:14:43,153 --> 00:14:46,615 My God, you just got name-checked by the Jew priest. Go, Marty! [chuckles] 372 00:14:46,698 --> 00:14:48,158 -Andrew! -[gasps] 373 00:14:48,241 --> 00:14:50,076 You've outdone yourself this time! 374 00:14:50,160 --> 00:14:52,162 I know! I'm disgusting. 375 00:14:52,245 --> 00:14:54,122 I killed my grandpa. 376 00:14:54,205 --> 00:14:56,833 And then you jacked off in front of his corpse. 377 00:14:56,917 --> 00:14:58,793 You sound almost proud of me. 378 00:14:58,877 --> 00:15:04,549 Andrew, I work with many loathsome creeps, but none as consistently wretched as you. 379 00:15:04,633 --> 00:15:06,968 -Thank you? -No, thank you! 380 00:15:07,052 --> 00:15:08,762 How does one measure a life? 381 00:15:08,845 --> 00:15:10,305 By the friends you've gained? 382 00:15:10,388 --> 00:15:12,641 -Or by the friends you've lost? -[sighs] 383 00:15:12,724 --> 00:15:15,560 [rabbi] By the number of school days you've gone truant? 384 00:15:15,644 --> 00:15:19,981 -What the... -Or the number of tampons you've ruined? 385 00:15:20,065 --> 00:15:21,399 What the fuck is going on? 386 00:15:21,483 --> 00:15:23,902 You keep messing up, Jessi! You can't help it! 387 00:15:23,985 --> 00:15:25,904 And when you die, this is what they're gonna say. 388 00:15:25,987 --> 00:15:27,572 "You were a loser, a fuck-up, 389 00:15:27,656 --> 00:15:29,741 and you squandered your potential. Shabbat Shalom!" 390 00:15:29,824 --> 00:15:31,326 Shut up! Leave me alone! 391 00:15:31,409 --> 00:15:32,786 Jelly Bean, what's going on? 392 00:15:32,869 --> 00:15:33,995 I just need some air. 393 00:15:35,872 --> 00:15:37,666 Whoa, Rick, she's leaving the funeral. 394 00:15:37,749 --> 00:15:40,126 Just like in my crazy dream about the future. 395 00:15:42,504 --> 00:15:43,964 I should go after her, right? 396 00:15:44,047 --> 00:15:46,049 Yeah, man. Show her your mooshy-smooshy. 397 00:15:46,132 --> 00:15:47,592 Uh, okay. You stay here. 398 00:15:47,676 --> 00:15:50,387 Okay, I love to sit, man. 399 00:15:50,470 --> 00:15:52,138 I love sitting down. 400 00:15:52,222 --> 00:15:55,934 Mmm! Well, this is a tasty cake pop! [chuckles] 401 00:15:56,017 --> 00:15:57,727 Matthew, I think your mom is leaving. 402 00:15:57,811 --> 00:16:00,897 She's probably gotta get Brittany back to ugly jail. 403 00:16:00,981 --> 00:16:05,068 Mom! So, you're just gonna leave without saying goodbye? 404 00:16:05,151 --> 00:16:07,112 I'm sorry, I can't... [sighs] 405 00:16:07,737 --> 00:16:09,489 Maybe I'm old-fashioned, 406 00:16:09,572 --> 00:16:13,743 but I just don't think two boys should be "baking" together. 407 00:16:13,827 --> 00:16:17,622 Mom, didn't you always know I would end up "baking" with a boy? 408 00:16:17,706 --> 00:16:20,834 No, you're choosing to bake with boys. 409 00:16:20,917 --> 00:16:22,919 You don't have to. 410 00:16:23,003 --> 00:16:26,047 You could make a beautiful cake with a woman. 411 00:16:26,131 --> 00:16:27,590 Oh, Mom. 412 00:16:27,674 --> 00:16:31,302 I'm not going to make a cake with a woman. Ever! 413 00:16:31,386 --> 00:16:32,887 I don't like the ingredients. 414 00:16:32,971 --> 00:16:36,141 I don't understand the utensils. Nothing would rise-- 415 00:16:36,224 --> 00:16:38,643 I do not like this metaphor anymore, Matthew! 416 00:16:38,727 --> 00:16:40,395 Okay, how about this, Mom? 417 00:16:41,062 --> 00:16:41,896 I'm gay. 418 00:16:41,980 --> 00:16:45,442 I know you think that, but you're only 13. 419 00:16:45,525 --> 00:16:46,484 How can you know? 420 00:16:46,568 --> 00:16:49,279 Because I... I just know. 421 00:16:49,362 --> 00:16:51,823 And deep down, you have to know too. 422 00:16:51,906 --> 00:16:54,576 I mean, how many times a year do we watch Dreamgirls? 423 00:16:54,659 --> 00:16:56,661 And that was so much fun. 424 00:16:56,745 --> 00:16:58,038 We can still have fun! 425 00:16:58,121 --> 00:17:00,165 No, it's all different now. 426 00:17:00,248 --> 00:17:01,875 I saw your texts. 427 00:17:01,958 --> 00:17:04,669 I know what that eggplant emoji is, 428 00:17:04,753 --> 00:17:07,630 and all the things you're doing with each other's vegetables. 429 00:17:07,714 --> 00:17:11,217 Mom, I haven't done any of those things. Really. 430 00:17:11,301 --> 00:17:12,302 But... [sighs] 431 00:17:12,385 --> 00:17:13,928 But you want to, 432 00:17:14,012 --> 00:17:18,349 and I just can't stand the idea of you making these sinful choices 433 00:17:18,433 --> 00:17:23,563 and baking in hell for all eternity, because Jesus is watching! 434 00:17:23,980 --> 00:17:26,649 Whoa, easy, lady! Leave me out of it. 435 00:17:26,733 --> 00:17:28,109 Oh, hey, Jesus. 436 00:17:28,193 --> 00:17:30,987 Maury! Did you do something different with your hair? 437 00:17:31,071 --> 00:17:34,741 Oh, I just, you know, got it pubed. Do you like it? 438 00:17:34,824 --> 00:17:37,368 Honestly, I kind of liked it the way it was before. 439 00:17:37,452 --> 00:17:39,746 Yeah, you're right, it fucking sucks. I'm an idiot. 440 00:17:39,829 --> 00:17:41,164 You, on the other hand, you rock. 441 00:17:41,247 --> 00:17:43,208 You rock so hard, Jesus. I love you so much. 442 00:17:44,084 --> 00:17:45,168 Hey, Jessi. Wait up. 443 00:17:45,251 --> 00:17:47,837 -What do you want? -I don't know, I guess I just... 444 00:17:47,921 --> 00:17:50,924 -I wanted to see if you were okay? -[scoffs] I'm fine. 445 00:17:51,007 --> 00:17:52,926 -Yeah, we're doing fine. -Are you sure? 446 00:17:53,009 --> 00:17:56,596 Yeah, I'm totally, um... [sighs] 447 00:17:57,180 --> 00:17:59,557 No. I'm not great, actually. 448 00:17:59,641 --> 00:18:01,476 I'm not fine. Everything's the worst! 449 00:18:01,559 --> 00:18:04,437 -I'm failing out of school-- -They put her on the dummy truck. 450 00:18:04,521 --> 00:18:06,397 My dad's place sucks. 451 00:18:06,481 --> 00:18:08,108 Her roommate's a bike! 452 00:18:08,191 --> 00:18:09,901 And Michael Angelo dumped me. 453 00:18:09,984 --> 00:18:13,363 [sobs] His penis sounded like Ray Romano! 454 00:18:13,446 --> 00:18:16,324 Oh, man. That all does sound like it sucks. 455 00:18:16,407 --> 00:18:18,034 [sighs] It does. 456 00:18:18,118 --> 00:18:18,952 You want a hug? 457 00:18:19,160 --> 00:18:20,036 Yes. 458 00:18:20,120 --> 00:18:22,872 Oh, Nick's a good friend. 459 00:18:22,997 --> 00:18:24,249 [sighs] 460 00:18:24,332 --> 00:18:27,210 Thank you. I really needed a hug. 461 00:18:27,293 --> 00:18:28,169 Of course. 462 00:18:28,253 --> 00:18:29,754 It's always been you. 463 00:18:30,171 --> 00:18:31,506 And it's always been you. 464 00:18:33,550 --> 00:18:34,926 Whoa! Whoa! What are you doing? 465 00:18:35,009 --> 00:18:36,719 Nothing, I'm not doing anything. I just-- 466 00:18:36,803 --> 00:18:38,847 Why'd he try to kiss you? You were crying! 467 00:18:38,930 --> 00:18:40,390 I can't believe you just tried to kiss me! 468 00:18:40,473 --> 00:18:42,559 I know. I was... I... 469 00:18:42,642 --> 00:18:44,310 Okay, I can explain. I had this dream... 470 00:18:44,394 --> 00:18:45,728 -What? -...where we were kissing. 471 00:18:45,812 --> 00:18:47,355 -What? -And I thought-- 472 00:18:47,438 --> 00:18:50,608 My real life is falling apart, and I needed you to be my friend, 473 00:18:50,692 --> 00:18:53,111 and you're making it fucking gross! Ugh! 474 00:18:53,194 --> 00:18:55,071 Yeah, you little prick! 475 00:18:55,155 --> 00:18:57,574 Nick, I brought you a condom just in case. 476 00:18:57,657 --> 00:18:58,741 That's a yarmulke. 477 00:18:58,825 --> 00:19:00,994 Yeah, it's a special Jew condom. 478 00:19:01,077 --> 00:19:02,370 It's a condom for your head. 479 00:19:04,038 --> 00:19:05,081 [chattering] 480 00:19:05,165 --> 00:19:07,000 What are we supposed to do with you? 481 00:19:07,083 --> 00:19:09,544 Military school? Chemical castration? 482 00:19:09,627 --> 00:19:10,795 -Castration? -Ugh! 483 00:19:10,879 --> 00:19:12,422 The goodies are in danger. 484 00:19:12,505 --> 00:19:13,756 I think you've gotta come clean. 485 00:19:13,840 --> 00:19:15,633 Okay, yeah. [sniffles] 486 00:19:15,717 --> 00:19:17,844 Mom, Dad... [sobs] 487 00:19:17,927 --> 00:19:19,429 I killed Zaide! 488 00:19:19,512 --> 00:19:21,639 -I knew it! -What are you talking about? 489 00:19:21,723 --> 00:19:24,893 I have this special set of rules I do 490 00:19:24,976 --> 00:19:27,437 when I'm personally intimate with myself. 491 00:19:27,520 --> 00:19:31,691 And I didn't do them one time, and then Zaide died! 492 00:19:31,774 --> 00:19:33,443 It's my fault! 493 00:19:33,526 --> 00:19:37,906 I'm sorry I killed him by jerking off wrong! [sobbing] 494 00:19:37,989 --> 00:19:38,907 [Marty groans] 495 00:19:38,990 --> 00:19:42,619 Oh, Andrew, you didn't kill your grandfather. 496 00:19:43,119 --> 00:19:44,120 I didn't? 497 00:19:44,204 --> 00:19:47,081 Of course not, that's not how death works. 498 00:19:47,207 --> 00:19:48,416 Oh, thank God. 499 00:19:48,499 --> 00:19:51,836 Death is completely random and uncontrollable. 500 00:19:51,920 --> 00:19:53,588 And it lurks around every corner. 501 00:19:53,671 --> 00:19:56,925 -What's that now? -Disease, murder, car accidents. 502 00:19:57,008 --> 00:19:58,092 I'm in cars all the time. 503 00:19:58,176 --> 00:19:59,636 Choking on a peach pit. 504 00:19:59,719 --> 00:20:01,179 Faulty elevators. 505 00:20:01,262 --> 00:20:03,139 -Hurricanes! -Active shooters! 506 00:20:03,223 --> 00:20:04,265 What about solar flares? 507 00:20:04,349 --> 00:20:06,309 -Polio's making a comeback. -Oh, yeah. 508 00:20:06,392 --> 00:20:08,478 Every time you close your eyes, Andrew, 509 00:20:08,561 --> 00:20:10,980 there's a chance you'll never wake up again! 510 00:20:11,064 --> 00:20:12,857 A good chance! You have bad genes! 511 00:20:12,941 --> 00:20:16,069 -Oh, God, they're right. -There's nothing I can do. I'm gonna die. 512 00:20:16,152 --> 00:20:17,779 -[Tito] We're all gonna die! -I've got one. 513 00:20:17,862 --> 00:20:20,823 A whorehouse madam with a little gun she keeps in her bosom, 514 00:20:20,907 --> 00:20:23,493 and when you turn around to wash your hands in that weird tin basin, 515 00:20:23,576 --> 00:20:25,828 -she gonna shoot ya. -[sobs] 516 00:20:25,912 --> 00:20:27,997 I just really wanted a hug. 517 00:20:28,081 --> 00:20:29,832 I guess nobody cares about you. 518 00:20:29,916 --> 00:20:31,167 And why should they? 519 00:20:31,251 --> 00:20:33,127 You're a loser and a fuck-up. 520 00:20:33,211 --> 00:20:36,339 [gasps] Maybe it's time to shave off your eyebrows. 521 00:20:36,422 --> 00:20:37,924 Oh, Jessi, there you are. 522 00:20:38,007 --> 00:20:39,717 Your mom and I have been talking. 523 00:20:39,801 --> 00:20:42,345 About what a loser and fuck-up I am? 524 00:20:42,428 --> 00:20:44,931 -What? No, of course not. -[Shannon sighs] 525 00:20:45,014 --> 00:20:51,145 We actually think you might be happier if you moved in with your dad for a while. 526 00:20:51,229 --> 00:20:53,940 -So you're getting rid of me? -Oh, dear. 527 00:20:54,023 --> 00:20:56,067 You're like one of those stained mattresses 528 00:20:56,150 --> 00:20:57,610 left out on the sidewalk. 529 00:20:57,694 --> 00:20:59,654 Jessi Bear, no! 530 00:20:59,737 --> 00:21:04,033 I'm gonna miss you so much, but I was wrong. 531 00:21:04,117 --> 00:21:06,286 It was selfish of me to make you move to the city. 532 00:21:06,369 --> 00:21:08,246 -Yeah, it really was. -Greg... 533 00:21:08,329 --> 00:21:09,664 What? I'm agreeing with you. 534 00:21:09,747 --> 00:21:11,291 [scoffs] Fucking impossible. 535 00:21:11,374 --> 00:21:14,502 You can go back to your old school with all of your friends. 536 00:21:14,585 --> 00:21:17,046 Yeah, and we're finally gonna get you a therapist to talk to. 537 00:21:17,130 --> 00:21:20,133 Oh my! Good luck to that poor shrink. 538 00:21:20,216 --> 00:21:22,510 -And therapy's so expensive. -I know. 539 00:21:22,593 --> 00:21:25,555 Your daddy's gonna be restocking red pepper hummus 540 00:21:25,638 --> 00:21:26,639 for the rest of his life. 541 00:21:26,723 --> 00:21:28,141 Oh, no, you don't! 542 00:21:28,224 --> 00:21:30,601 These parents are finally getting their shit together. 543 00:21:30,685 --> 00:21:31,936 Now leave her the fuck alone! 544 00:21:32,020 --> 00:21:34,647 Jessi, everything's gonna be okay. 545 00:21:34,731 --> 00:21:35,982 -Really? -Yeah. 546 00:21:36,065 --> 00:21:38,109 -Okay. -I promise, honey. 547 00:21:38,192 --> 00:21:40,486 Thanks, guys. I love you. 548 00:21:40,570 --> 00:21:42,363 Kiddo, we love you too. 549 00:21:42,447 --> 00:21:44,866 -Aw! -So so much. 550 00:21:44,949 --> 00:21:48,411 Ooh, I'm gonna tell Greg to stick his tongue up Shannon's nose. 551 00:21:48,494 --> 00:21:49,329 Hot and heavy. 552 00:21:49,412 --> 00:21:51,581 Rick, sit down and shut the fuck up! 553 00:21:51,706 --> 00:21:54,334 With genuine pleasure. I love sitting down, baby. 554 00:21:55,335 --> 00:21:58,421 So, how was the big bake-off this year? 555 00:21:58,546 --> 00:22:00,882 Oh, um, it was fine. 556 00:22:00,965 --> 00:22:02,008 We both lost. 557 00:22:02,091 --> 00:22:06,346 Well, maybe next year, you'll have to get the old dynamic duo back together. 558 00:22:06,429 --> 00:22:07,972 [laughs] No offense, Brittany. 559 00:22:08,056 --> 00:22:10,892 [laughs] Oh, your dad hates Brittany too. I can tell. 560 00:22:10,975 --> 00:22:12,226 May I please be excused? 561 00:22:12,310 --> 00:22:13,436 You're a big boy now. 562 00:22:13,519 --> 00:22:15,188 You can do whatever you want. 563 00:22:15,271 --> 00:22:16,147 Thank God. 564 00:22:16,230 --> 00:22:18,483 I couldn't look at Brittany for another second. 565 00:22:18,566 --> 00:22:21,402 I mean, who needs both hands to pick up a fucking glass? 566 00:22:21,486 --> 00:22:22,320 Am I right? 567 00:22:22,403 --> 00:22:23,446 [vibrates] 568 00:22:23,529 --> 00:22:27,075 Oh, you got a text from Aiden. He wants to know how you're doing. 569 00:22:27,158 --> 00:22:27,992 Just ignore it. 570 00:22:28,076 --> 00:22:30,745 Don't you want to tell him what an ice queen your mom was at dinner? 571 00:22:30,828 --> 00:22:34,791 Honestly, I just wish we could go back to the way things were. 572 00:22:34,874 --> 00:22:37,835 Yeah, before women could vote and you could smoke on a plane? Sure. 573 00:22:37,919 --> 00:22:40,505 No. Before my mom saw those texts. 574 00:22:40,588 --> 00:22:42,298 Oh, that. Right, yeah. 575 00:22:42,382 --> 00:22:44,509 She'll get over it. You're her favorite! 576 00:22:44,592 --> 00:22:47,220 Yeah, I'm not so sure anymore. 577 00:22:47,303 --> 00:22:50,390 Aww, Matt. Why don't you sing a song about it? 578 00:22:54,435 --> 00:23:01,067 ♪ Once we had a bond That seemed unbreakable ♪ 579 00:23:01,150 --> 00:23:06,406 ♪ Once I had a place where I belonged ♪ 580 00:23:07,824 --> 00:23:14,622 ♪ And I guess I thought Our friendship was unshakable ♪ 581 00:23:14,705 --> 00:23:20,878 ♪ But now I'm stuck here Singin' my sappy song ♪ 582 00:23:21,504 --> 00:23:24,799 ♪ 'Cause I used to be her favorite ♪ 583 00:23:24,882 --> 00:23:29,595 ♪ Yeah, I used to be her favorite ♪ 584 00:23:29,679 --> 00:23:33,266 ♪ I'd linger on the bad times ♪ 585 00:23:33,349 --> 00:23:36,602 ♪ But every memory is good ♪ 586 00:23:36,686 --> 00:23:39,814 ♪ I never dreamed that she'd replace me ♪ 587 00:23:39,897 --> 00:23:43,734 ♪ 'Cause I thought nobody could ♪ 588 00:23:43,818 --> 00:23:46,571 ♪ And all that went unspoken ♪ 589 00:23:46,654 --> 00:23:50,533 ♪ I believed was understood ♪ 590 00:23:50,616 --> 00:23:55,621 ♪ And, oh, how it sucks to be so wrong ♪ 591 00:23:55,705 --> 00:24:01,294 ♪ 'Cause I used to be her favorite ♪ 592 00:24:02,837 --> 00:24:08,259 ♪ I used to be her favorite ♪ 593 00:24:10,052 --> 00:24:12,555 ♪ Oooh, ooh, ooh ♪ 594 00:24:12,680 --> 00:24:14,682 [sobbing] 595 00:24:16,350 --> 00:24:18,811 Fuck her, man. You sing like a goddamn angel, 596 00:24:18,895 --> 00:24:20,897 and you got the heart of a champion. 597 00:24:21,647 --> 00:24:23,357 [sobbing] 598 00:24:23,441 --> 00:24:24,984 I don't know why I'm crying, 599 00:24:25,067 --> 00:24:27,570 I'm gonna see you tomorrow morning when I bring your clothes. 600 00:24:27,653 --> 00:24:29,530 Can you also bring my shampoo? 601 00:24:29,614 --> 00:24:31,866 Dad's shower only has a bar of Irish Spring, 602 00:24:31,949 --> 00:24:33,326 and it's, like, thin and curling. 603 00:24:33,409 --> 00:24:34,327 Of course! 604 00:24:34,869 --> 00:24:36,704 Maybe could you bring some of your spinach dip? 605 00:24:36,787 --> 00:24:38,915 Last time you said it was loose and wet. 606 00:24:38,998 --> 00:24:41,751 Well, that time it was, but it's usually so good! 607 00:24:41,834 --> 00:24:43,586 [sobs] Oh, Jessi Bear! 608 00:24:43,669 --> 00:24:46,756 And maybe bring my sheets 'cause Dad's are burgundy and weird. 609 00:24:46,839 --> 00:24:49,258 Don't worry, honey, I'm gonna take you to Target tomorrow 610 00:24:49,342 --> 00:24:51,469 and spend so much money. 611 00:24:51,552 --> 00:24:55,306 Okay, good, 'cause I don't wanna sleep on four Phantom Menace promotional pillows. 612 00:24:55,389 --> 00:24:56,516 -[chuckles] -[bell rings] 613 00:24:56,641 --> 00:24:59,393 Bye! I love you! I'll see you in 11 hours! 614 00:24:59,477 --> 00:25:00,311 [Jessi] Okay! 615 00:25:00,394 --> 00:25:02,772 Well, you know what I've always said 616 00:25:02,855 --> 00:25:04,273 -about Shannon. -What? 617 00:25:04,357 --> 00:25:09,278 She's a smart, nice mommy, and I love her so much! 618 00:25:09,362 --> 00:25:15,576 ♪ Jesse, I'll always cut fresh flowers For you ♪ 619 00:25:15,785 --> 00:25:22,083 ♪ And, Jesse, I'll will make the wine cold For you ♪ 620 00:25:22,166 --> 00:25:28,965 ♪ Oh, Jesse, I will change the sheets For you ♪ 621 00:25:29,590 --> 00:25:35,054 ♪ Put on cologne And I will wait by the phone for you ♪ 622 00:25:35,304 --> 00:25:39,934 ♪ Oh, Jesse! ♪ 623 00:25:40,309 --> 00:25:42,311 ♪ La-la-la la-la ♪ 624 00:25:42,645 --> 00:25:44,647 ♪ La-la-la la-la ♪ 625 00:25:44,897 --> 00:25:46,983 ♪ La-la-la la-la ♪ 626 00:25:47,233 --> 00:25:48,943 ♪ Oh, Jesse! ♪ 627 00:25:49,443 --> 00:25:51,320 ♪ La-la-la la-la… ♪ 628 00:25:57,410 --> 00:25:58,786 [kazoo plays] 629 00:25:59,412 --> 00:26:01,330 -[man] Fathouse. -[ticking] 630 00:26:01,414 --> 00:26:04,333 -[man] Chirp. -[man 2 laughs] "Good at Bizness."