1 00:00:09,905 --> 00:00:14,326 Listen up, everybody. The 9/11 Museum is a serious place, 2 00:00:14,410 --> 00:00:17,788 and I know it's the new thing, but please, please, 3 00:00:17,872 --> 00:00:20,166 -no gummy arms today. -[students laughing] 4 00:00:20,249 --> 00:00:22,334 What about gummy chest hair? 5 00:00:22,418 --> 00:00:24,837 Mamma mia, Lumpy likey. 6 00:00:24,920 --> 00:00:27,214 ♪ Happy birthday to me ♪ 7 00:00:27,298 --> 00:00:29,425 ♪ Happy birthday to me ♪ 8 00:00:29,508 --> 00:00:32,803 ♪ Happy birthday to... ♪ [hums] 9 00:00:32,887 --> 00:00:35,723 ♪ Happy birthday to me ♪ 10 00:00:35,806 --> 00:00:38,601 Oh, my God, Steve! You were born on September 11th? 11 00:00:38,684 --> 00:00:39,852 Yeah, today. 12 00:00:39,935 --> 00:00:42,480 Can you believe they did a whole museum 13 00:00:42,563 --> 00:00:45,024 for when I dropped out of my mommy's sweetie? 14 00:00:45,107 --> 00:00:49,403 Okay. So even accepting that that's what the 9/11 Museum is for, 15 00:00:49,487 --> 00:00:52,948 you really think our whole grade loaded  into a bus 16 00:00:53,032 --> 00:00:54,116 to celebrate your birthday? 17 00:00:54,200 --> 00:00:56,869 I can't tell you, or my wish won't come true. 18 00:00:56,952 --> 00:01:00,289 My wish is that I tinkled before the bus ride. 19 00:01:00,372 --> 00:01:03,334 Ooh! My stomach has a headache. 20 00:01:03,417 --> 00:01:05,503 This is Jessi's new boyfriend, I guess. 21 00:01:05,586 --> 00:01:06,670 Oh, Lord! 22 00:01:06,754 --> 00:01:08,339 This guy's sensual and deep. 23 00:01:08,422 --> 00:01:12,093 If I'm Diane Lane, I am cheating on my mean old husband with this one. 24 00:01:12,176 --> 00:01:13,719 Spray-painting shirtless? 25 00:01:13,803 --> 00:01:15,387 Ugh! So thirsty. 26 00:01:15,471 --> 00:01:17,389 I know. It's like, ditch the pants already. 27 00:01:17,473 --> 00:01:20,684 What, is he sweating in that picture? Click on that. Screen-grab it. 28 00:01:20,768 --> 00:01:23,896 Now email it to my secret account, then delete it from Sent Items. Whatever. 29 00:01:23,979 --> 00:01:26,649 I'm gonna text Jessi. We should all meet up in the city. 30 00:01:26,732 --> 00:01:28,859 Ugh. If they're forcing us to meet Michael Angelo, 31 00:01:28,943 --> 00:01:30,152 let's just get it over with. 32 00:01:30,236 --> 00:01:33,072 Yeah! I mean, he'll sit on your chest, you'll sit on his. 33 00:01:33,155 --> 00:01:33,989 Who cares? 34 00:01:34,073 --> 00:01:36,367 Just send the goddamn picture already. 35 00:01:36,450 --> 00:01:38,160 Fucking send it. Whatever. 36 00:01:38,244 --> 00:01:42,039 [laughs] Hey! Missy got her hair braided. The new look is tight. 37 00:01:42,123 --> 00:01:44,250 Thanks, Devon! My head has been throbbing for weeks, 38 00:01:44,333 --> 00:01:46,502 so I actually really needed the positive reinforcement. 39 00:01:46,585 --> 00:01:48,045 Wow. So cute. 40 00:01:48,129 --> 00:01:50,047 You have Black girl hair now. 41 00:01:50,131 --> 00:01:53,008 I've never really thought of you as, like, a "Black" Black girl. 42 00:01:53,092 --> 00:01:56,846 Oh, it's cool how you found a way for a compliment to shake me to my core. 43 00:01:56,929 --> 00:02:00,599 Who the fuck made this little white bitch the authority on Blackness? 44 00:02:00,683 --> 00:02:02,184 Let's slit her fucking throat. 45 00:02:02,268 --> 00:02:04,687 Or, counter idea, 46 00:02:04,770 --> 00:02:08,232 we peel a kiwi and look down for the rest of the bus ride? 47 00:02:08,315 --> 00:02:10,025 [both moaning, grunting] 48 00:02:10,109 --> 00:02:10,985 -Hey, babe. -What? 49 00:02:11,068 --> 00:02:12,528 -What's going on? -What do you mean? 50 00:02:12,611 --> 00:02:13,904 Well, you're not sucking my tongue 51 00:02:13,988 --> 00:02:16,240 like it's gonna cum like a tiny little dick in my mouth, 52 00:02:16,323 --> 00:02:17,158 like you normally do. 53 00:02:17,241 --> 00:02:22,079 I guess, like, 9/11 is a bit of a hot-button issue for me, and as such, 54 00:02:22,163 --> 00:02:24,290 my mind happens to be elsewhere. 55 00:02:24,373 --> 00:02:25,708 9/11 makes everyone upset. 56 00:02:25,791 --> 00:02:28,377 -It makes me more upset, Jay! -Okay... 57 00:02:28,460 --> 00:02:31,213 I have a personal connection to the tragedy. 58 00:02:31,297 --> 00:02:34,717 -I didn't know. -My mom's ex-boyfriend died in 9/11. 59 00:02:34,800 --> 00:02:36,802 Fuck! Was he in one of the towers? 60 00:02:36,886 --> 00:02:40,347 No, Jay. He was flying one of the planes. 61 00:02:40,431 --> 00:02:42,808 So... he was a pilot? 62 00:02:42,892 --> 00:02:45,436 Kind of. Like, towards the end he was. 63 00:02:45,519 --> 00:02:46,478 Oh. Wait a minute. 64 00:02:46,562 --> 00:02:48,689 ["Changes" by Charles Bradley plays] 65 00:02:48,772 --> 00:02:54,445 ♪ I'm going through changes ♪ 66 00:02:58,365 --> 00:03:04,246 ♪ I'm going through changes ♪ 67 00:03:04,580 --> 00:03:06,874 ♪ Oh, in my life ♪ 68 00:03:08,125 --> 00:03:11,629 ♪ Oh, ooh, ooh! ♪ 69 00:03:19,553 --> 00:03:20,471 [both kissing wetly] 70 00:03:20,554 --> 00:03:22,890 Mmm. You taste like a song. 71 00:03:22,973 --> 00:03:25,434 You taste like, um, tiramisu. 72 00:03:25,517 --> 00:03:26,352 That's my vape pen. 73 00:03:26,435 --> 00:03:27,853 -You know how to vape, right? -Yeah. 74 00:03:27,937 --> 00:03:31,357 You just put your lips together and suck until it lights up. 75 00:03:31,440 --> 00:03:33,317 [sighs] Connie, this is a lot. 76 00:03:33,400 --> 00:03:34,652 -Do it. -Really? 77 00:03:34,735 --> 00:03:36,528 Suck his Juul until it lights up, 78 00:03:36,612 --> 00:03:38,864 and you gotta put your pussy in a USB port. 79 00:03:38,948 --> 00:03:40,616 Put it in a USB port? 80 00:03:40,699 --> 00:03:42,451 I don't know. I don't do computers. 81 00:03:42,534 --> 00:03:43,869 Just suck that electric dick. 82 00:03:43,953 --> 00:03:47,122 [inhales, coughs] Smooth. 83 00:03:47,206 --> 00:03:49,208 It feels really good to smoke. Thank you. 84 00:03:49,291 --> 00:03:51,210 -Oh, shit. -What? What is it? 85 00:03:51,293 --> 00:03:53,045 It's inspiration tugging on my leg again. 86 00:03:53,128 --> 00:03:54,046 [Jessi] Okay. 87 00:03:54,630 --> 00:03:57,800 Oh, my God, he is so fucking hot. 88 00:03:57,883 --> 00:03:59,385 And as soon as he showed up, 89 00:03:59,468 --> 00:04:02,846 no more Depression Kitty, no more Anxiety Mosquito, 90 00:04:02,930 --> 00:04:04,765 no more Self-Harm Walrus. 91 00:04:04,848 --> 00:04:06,183 -Who's that? -Oh, nobody. 92 00:04:06,267 --> 00:04:08,811 Don't worry about it. But do let me know if you see him. 93 00:04:08,894 --> 00:04:10,521 -[cell phone chimes] -Ooh, you got a text! 94 00:04:10,604 --> 00:04:13,649 Oh, cool. Nick and Andrew are on the way to the city. 95 00:04:13,732 --> 00:04:16,235 -[spray can hissing] -Hey, um... babers. 96 00:04:16,318 --> 00:04:18,112 My friends from home are in town. 97 00:04:18,195 --> 00:04:19,571 -Should we all, like, hang out? -Eh. 98 00:04:19,655 --> 00:04:21,031 Or is that, like, so dumb? 99 00:04:21,115 --> 00:04:24,660 No, no, it's just, you know, suburban kids sound very, um... 100 00:04:24,743 --> 00:04:27,830 cola-and-potato-chips-rah-rah- at-the-baseball-match type of thing. 101 00:04:27,913 --> 00:04:29,290 Yeah, it's so rah-rah-at-the-baseball-match. 102 00:04:29,373 --> 00:04:30,291 -Totally. -Yeah. 103 00:04:30,374 --> 00:04:34,628 It's dumb, but I'd still love for them to just, like, meet you and your art. 104 00:04:34,712 --> 00:04:36,088 Yeah, whatever you want, baby girl. 105 00:04:36,171 --> 00:04:40,342 -Ooh! He called you "baby girl." -Connie, what the hell are you doing? 106 00:04:40,426 --> 00:04:42,970 -I'm plugging my pussy in the USB port. -Oh, God. 107 00:04:43,053 --> 00:04:45,431 I gotta be careful, though, 'cause when I updated my butthole, 108 00:04:45,514 --> 00:04:46,932 I lost all my contacts. 109 00:04:48,350 --> 00:04:51,645 Wow! So many people here to celebrate my birthday. 110 00:04:51,729 --> 00:04:53,522 I know. What a great turnout. 111 00:04:53,605 --> 00:04:54,690 Yay! 112 00:04:54,773 --> 00:04:57,401 So you really have no idea what happened here. 113 00:04:57,484 --> 00:04:59,778 -That's right. -Do the Twin Towers ring a bell? 114 00:04:59,862 --> 00:05:03,449 Georgetown's Alonzo Mourning and Dikembe Mutombo? 115 00:05:03,532 --> 00:05:06,368 The Twin Towers is another name for the World Trade Center. 116 00:05:06,452 --> 00:05:08,412 Shh! Caleb! I'm trying to fuck with Coach Steve. 117 00:05:08,495 --> 00:05:10,539 In light of the tragedy that occurred here, 118 00:05:10,622 --> 00:05:12,499 that seems insensitive at best. 119 00:05:12,583 --> 00:05:13,542 Oh, come on! 120 00:05:13,625 --> 00:05:15,878 9/11 happened before we were even born. 121 00:05:15,961 --> 00:05:18,797 Am I also supposed to care about Hurricane Katrina or Columbine? 122 00:05:18,881 --> 00:05:21,175 -Yes. -Relax, I'm just being funny. [chuckles] 123 00:05:21,258 --> 00:05:22,718 No one is laughing. 124 00:05:22,801 --> 00:05:23,969 Now, Steve... 125 00:05:24,053 --> 00:05:24,928 Yes, Matthew. 126 00:05:25,012 --> 00:05:27,473 We're gonna do your birthday cake inside, 127 00:05:27,556 --> 00:05:32,019 so I need you to tell Ms. Benitez that 9/11 is an inside job. 128 00:05:32,102 --> 00:05:33,062 Okay. 129 00:05:33,145 --> 00:05:34,480 Hey, Ms. B. 130 00:05:34,563 --> 00:05:39,151 I'm supposed to tell you that cats are inside dogs. 131 00:05:39,234 --> 00:05:41,528 -That's very good, Steve. -Thank you. 132 00:05:41,612 --> 00:05:43,697 Okay, the teachers seem preoccupied, so let's get out of here. 133 00:05:43,781 --> 00:05:45,032 Maury, come on. We're leaving. 134 00:05:45,115 --> 00:05:47,826 One sec, I just need to get one good shot of my boys 135 00:05:47,910 --> 00:05:49,370 in front of the reflecting pool. 136 00:05:49,620 --> 00:05:50,454 Hey, guys. 137 00:05:50,537 --> 00:05:53,207 Guys. No gummy arms. Not the place. 138 00:05:53,290 --> 00:05:55,084 -[camera clicks] -Eleven September. 139 00:05:55,167 --> 00:05:58,045 -Such a tragedy. -Yes. So much wasted flesh. 140 00:05:58,128 --> 00:06:00,798 Did you forget that we were fine young cannibals? 141 00:06:00,881 --> 00:06:03,217 It must drive you crazy... [chuckles] 142 00:06:03,300 --> 00:06:07,054 …that you cannot help any of your beloved characters from where you are. 143 00:06:07,638 --> 00:06:09,723 Wow, you look so great, babe. 144 00:06:09,807 --> 00:06:11,517 I don't wanna look great, 145 00:06:11,600 --> 00:06:13,977 I wanna look upset and sexy, 146 00:06:14,061 --> 00:06:14,978 like Melania. 147 00:06:15,062 --> 00:06:16,814 -Give me the phone. I will do it myself. -[camera clicks] 148 00:06:16,897 --> 00:06:20,067 -Oh, maybe my old look was more me. -[clears throat] 149 00:06:20,150 --> 00:06:21,902 -Hey, Missy. -Oh, hey, Devon. 150 00:06:21,985 --> 00:06:24,905 Look, I'm sorry Devin said that stupid shit about your hair on the bus. 151 00:06:24,988 --> 00:06:28,242 Yeah, it was not, um... 100. 152 00:06:28,325 --> 00:06:29,576 Sure, "100." 153 00:06:29,660 --> 00:06:33,163 It's just that I'm really struggling with my racial identity right now. 154 00:06:33,247 --> 00:06:35,416 -Uh... -My mom's white. My dad's Black. 155 00:06:35,499 --> 00:06:38,752 I'm voiced by a white actress who's 37 years old. 156 00:06:38,836 --> 00:06:40,546 Ugh! It's all very overwhelming. 157 00:06:40,629 --> 00:06:43,424 Yeah, I hear that. I'm secretly old as hell, but I'm-- 158 00:06:43,507 --> 00:06:47,261 Oh! My cousin Lena just invited me to a Jay-Z party. 159 00:06:47,344 --> 00:06:48,846 What's The Blueprint? 160 00:06:48,929 --> 00:06:50,431 What? Are you kidding me? 161 00:06:50,514 --> 00:06:54,017 The Blueprint is Jay-Z's album that came out, like, on 9/11. 162 00:06:54,101 --> 00:06:54,977 We gotta go! 163 00:06:55,060 --> 00:06:56,687 I don't know if we should leave the group. 164 00:06:56,770 --> 00:06:58,605 Aka, I'm afraid to leave the group. 165 00:06:58,689 --> 00:07:00,315 No, we gotta go. Come on! 166 00:07:00,399 --> 00:07:02,276 I wanna hang out with cool Black college kids. 167 00:07:02,359 --> 00:07:04,486 Well, it would be nice to see my cousin. 168 00:07:04,570 --> 00:07:06,655 But, uh... what about, um... 169 00:07:06,738 --> 00:07:08,824 -Devin? -No, she can't come! 170 00:07:08,907 --> 00:07:12,286 This party's for cool people, not rank-ass bitches. 171 00:07:12,369 --> 00:07:13,495 Don't worry, Missy, I got it. 172 00:07:14,079 --> 00:07:15,914 -[Devon] Wow! You look great! -[camera clicks] 173 00:07:15,998 --> 00:07:17,666 You're, like, way prettier than her. 174 00:07:17,749 --> 00:07:20,002 Yes, I know. Obviously. 175 00:07:20,085 --> 00:07:20,919 Let's go! 176 00:07:21,003 --> 00:07:23,422 Let's go,  while Coach Steven is distracted. 177 00:07:23,505 --> 00:07:27,968 Excuse me, ma'am. Your clothes look like the woods. So... 178 00:07:29,011 --> 00:07:31,388 -Guys, over here! -[in New York accent] New York Jessi! 179 00:07:31,472 --> 00:07:35,267 Come on with the Mets, Jets, Knicks and Rangers already! 180 00:07:35,350 --> 00:07:38,270 [in New York accent] Hey, taxi, take me to pizza and put a bagel on it! 181 00:07:38,353 --> 00:07:41,982 -All right! -Stand clear of the closing doors, please! 182 00:07:42,065 --> 00:07:42,900 Hey, babe. 183 00:07:42,983 --> 00:07:46,862 [in sultry voice] Um, hey, babe. This is, like, Nick and Andrew. 184 00:07:46,945 --> 00:07:48,447 [speaking normally] What is that voice? 185 00:07:48,697 --> 00:07:51,283 -Oh, me, oh, my. Mm! -Okay. 186 00:07:51,366 --> 00:07:52,951 All right, well, we get it. 187 00:07:53,035 --> 00:07:55,204 She's your girlfriend.  You possess her. [chuckles] 188 00:07:55,287 --> 00:07:57,998 Sorry, some of us are feminists, so... Time's up! [chuckles] 189 00:07:58,123 --> 00:08:01,126 [mumbles] Be patient, Nick. Let's watch this play out a little. 190 00:08:01,210 --> 00:08:03,378 Mm. He is pretty yummy, isn't he? 191 00:08:03,462 --> 00:08:04,505 What? No! 192 00:08:04,588 --> 00:08:06,298 And what's with all those stupid pins? 193 00:08:06,381 --> 00:08:09,510 I mean, "Vote" and "Anarchy"? I think those cancel each other out, right? 194 00:08:09,593 --> 00:08:11,136 Andrew, you should be taking notes. 195 00:08:11,220 --> 00:08:14,806 Oh, don't worry, I'm filming the whole  thing, Impractical Jokers style. 196 00:08:14,890 --> 00:08:18,143 We can get out of here if you wanna french the life out of our friend. 197 00:08:18,227 --> 00:08:19,061 Sorry, Nick. 198 00:08:19,144 --> 00:08:21,563 It's my bad, bruv. Can't keep my lips off her, you know? 199 00:08:21,647 --> 00:08:23,899 Yeah, I actually do know. We made out once, so... 200 00:08:23,982 --> 00:08:25,400 -Brilliant. -It was pretty brilliant. 201 00:08:25,484 --> 00:08:28,195 So you understand what it's like, the intoxication of it all. 202 00:08:28,278 --> 00:08:30,531 I mean, she didn't say it was so intoxicating, but-- 203 00:08:30,614 --> 00:08:31,907 Nick, you can butt out right now. 204 00:08:31,990 --> 00:08:34,243 I'm in recovery. I'm not trying to get intoxicated as much. 205 00:08:34,326 --> 00:08:35,410 -Nick... -Good for you. 206 00:08:35,494 --> 00:08:39,456 Do I detect an accent, or are you just British to see me? 207 00:08:39,540 --> 00:08:41,750 [imitates British accent]  Sir Andrew Glouberman. 208 00:08:41,833 --> 00:08:43,210 At your service, my liege. 209 00:08:43,293 --> 00:08:44,336 Hey, what's up with Jessi? 210 00:08:44,419 --> 00:08:47,214 She's smoking and talking all weird around this poser. 211 00:08:47,297 --> 00:08:50,676 Yeah, who does this delicious piece of shit think he is? 212 00:08:50,759 --> 00:08:52,052 -Did you say "delicious"? -Yeah! 213 00:08:52,135 --> 00:08:56,265 With his curly, brown hair looking  like cute little popcorn shrimps. Mm! 214 00:08:56,348 --> 00:08:57,432 What are you talking about? 215 00:08:57,516 --> 00:08:58,850 Oh, Nicholas, my bad. 216 00:08:58,934 --> 00:09:02,020 Yeah, he's a poser, is how...  is how you feel. 217 00:09:02,104 --> 00:09:04,106 Yeah, that's how I feel. Is that how you feel? 218 00:09:04,189 --> 00:09:05,607 Of... of course. 219 00:09:05,691 --> 00:09:07,359 -[inhales] -Hubba, hubba. 220 00:09:07,442 --> 00:09:08,694 Look at those lips. 221 00:09:08,777 --> 00:09:12,948 Yeah, and check out them stupid fuckin' pins on his jacket. 222 00:09:13,031 --> 00:09:14,283 They're not stupid. 223 00:09:14,366 --> 00:09:16,535 One says, "Kill your television." That's cool. 224 00:09:16,618 --> 00:09:18,412 But another one says "Comcast." 225 00:09:18,495 --> 00:09:21,748 He's probably making, like, a statement. What is your problem? 226 00:09:21,832 --> 00:09:23,208 I didn't sleep so good last night. 227 00:09:23,292 --> 00:09:26,670 -My Airbnb's above a Barry's Bootcamp. -Okay. 228 00:09:26,753 --> 00:09:31,258 I heard a marketing executive blow out her knee this morning doing lunges. 229 00:09:31,341 --> 00:09:33,093 -So? -Then they shot her, Jessi! 230 00:09:33,176 --> 00:09:34,636 Alison is dead! 231 00:09:34,720 --> 00:09:37,514 But I'll try to do better with your Michael Angelo situation. 232 00:09:37,598 --> 00:09:41,351 Holy Scott Foley, I can't believe we're being so Whiskey Cavalier 233 00:09:41,435 --> 00:09:43,520 about sneaking away from a field trip! 234 00:09:43,604 --> 00:09:45,522 [laughs] I'm gonna need you to calm down. 235 00:09:45,606 --> 00:09:46,481 Hey, my bad, big dawg. 236 00:09:46,565 --> 00:09:48,358 Ain't nothin', bro, you didn't even scuff the Forces. 237 00:09:48,442 --> 00:09:50,485 Shit, I'd have gave myself the fade right quick. 238 00:09:50,569 --> 00:09:53,238 You're stupid, bro. On God, though, I'm trying to get like you. 239 00:09:53,322 --> 00:09:55,782 Nah, I'm trying to get like you. Yo, stay up, fam. 240 00:09:55,866 --> 00:09:56,700 Stay up, bro. 241 00:09:56,783 --> 00:09:58,660 I've never heard you talk  like that before. 242 00:09:58,744 --> 00:09:59,911 How do you talk to Black people? 243 00:09:59,995 --> 00:10:02,748 -The same way I talk to white people. -[laughs] 244 00:10:02,831 --> 00:10:03,790 -What? -Are you serious? 245 00:10:03,874 --> 00:10:05,083 You don't have one of these? 246 00:10:05,167 --> 00:10:06,501 -What? -You don't have a code switch? 247 00:10:06,585 --> 00:10:08,754 No. How does a code switch work? 248 00:10:08,837 --> 00:10:11,423 Well, it's a little tricky, but let me break it down for you. 249 00:10:12,007 --> 00:10:17,012 ♪ As a Black kid you gotta learn This handy trick of social self-defense ♪ 250 00:10:17,095 --> 00:10:19,598 ♪ You switch up your speak And give your manner a tweak ♪ 251 00:10:19,681 --> 00:10:22,059 ♪ Depending on the audience ♪ 252 00:10:22,142 --> 00:10:24,728 ♪ I'll be Will Smith witty Or cool like Diddy ♪ 253 00:10:24,811 --> 00:10:26,897 ♪ Or affable as you please ♪ 254 00:10:26,980 --> 00:10:29,691 ♪ 'Cause when you're young and Black You develop a knack ♪ 255 00:10:29,775 --> 00:10:31,902 ♪ For putting the world at ease ♪ 256 00:10:31,985 --> 00:10:34,237 ♪ It's called code-switchin' ♪ 257 00:10:34,321 --> 00:10:37,074 ♪ And I'm a master of the dial ♪ 258 00:10:37,157 --> 00:10:41,036 ♪ I've got a different me For every situation ♪ 259 00:10:41,995 --> 00:10:44,331 ♪ No matter Black, white, old, or young ♪ 260 00:10:44,414 --> 00:10:47,167 ♪ I can tune in to your tongue ♪ 261 00:10:47,250 --> 00:10:49,169 ♪ And nobody can tell ♪ 262 00:10:49,252 --> 00:10:53,882 ♪ Which one's the real me, yeah ♪ 263 00:10:54,633 --> 00:10:57,219 ♪ For those timid white suburban moms ♪ 264 00:10:57,302 --> 00:10:59,596 ♪ I'm humble, saccharine-sweet ♪ 265 00:10:59,680 --> 00:11:02,432 ♪ Just a skinny Kenan Thompson, ma'am ♪ 266 00:11:02,516 --> 00:11:04,768 ♪ No need to cross the street ♪ 267 00:11:05,394 --> 00:11:07,771 ♪ For older Blacks, I'll dial it back ♪ 268 00:11:07,854 --> 00:11:10,565 ♪ Play the respectful grandson role ♪ 269 00:11:10,649 --> 00:11:13,527 ♪ They don't care for rap Or hip-hoppity crap ♪ 270 00:11:13,610 --> 00:11:16,363 ♪ So I'm warm as Motown soul ♪ 271 00:11:16,446 --> 00:11:19,199 ♪ And I can charm The old-school Italian cats ♪ 272 00:11:19,282 --> 00:11:22,244 ♪ With a smile like Sammy Davis ♪ 273 00:11:22,327 --> 00:11:25,205 ♪ But I always know that as soon as I go ♪ 274 00:11:25,288 --> 00:11:28,083 ♪ They go straight back To stone-cold racist ♪  275 00:11:29,209 --> 00:11:31,169 ♪ Code-switchin' ♪ 276 00:11:31,253 --> 00:11:33,922 ♪ Got the whole world on my dial ♪ 277 00:11:34,005 --> 00:11:35,882 ♪ And it's anybody's guess ♪ 278 00:11:35,966 --> 00:11:38,885 ♪ Which one is me ♪ 279 00:11:38,969 --> 00:11:40,762 That was incredible! 280 00:11:40,846 --> 00:11:43,014 Did I see a setting that says "pretzels"? 281 00:11:43,098 --> 00:11:44,975 Hell, yeah! Yo, what's up, pretz? 282 00:11:45,058 --> 00:11:46,101 [screams] 283 00:11:46,184 --> 00:11:50,063 -I'm so fucking twisted! -[heavy metal music plays] 284 00:11:51,398 --> 00:11:53,316 Caleb, do you know where Coach Steve is? 285 00:11:53,400 --> 00:11:54,901 I haven't seen him since I told him 286 00:11:54,985 --> 00:11:56,653 he could go swimming in the reflecting pool. 287 00:11:56,737 --> 00:11:59,030 You should stop making fun of 9/11. 288 00:11:59,114 --> 00:11:59,990 No, no, no, no. 289 00:12:00,073 --> 00:12:03,076 I'm making fun of Steve, the 9/11 of people. 290 00:12:03,160 --> 00:12:05,704 [woman over PA] Could Matthew come  to the front desk please 291 00:12:05,787 --> 00:12:07,372 and pick up your bestest friend? 292 00:12:07,456 --> 00:12:09,291 I think we found the birthday boy. 293 00:12:09,374 --> 00:12:10,375 [sobbing] 294 00:12:10,459 --> 00:12:12,669 Hello, I'm Matthew. 295 00:12:12,753 --> 00:12:13,920 Hi, Matthew. 296 00:12:14,004 --> 00:12:15,881 Yeah, he shouldn't be wandering around the museum 297 00:12:15,964 --> 00:12:17,382 -without a guardian. -Sorry about that. 298 00:12:17,466 --> 00:12:19,426 Steve, are you crying because you were lost? 299 00:12:19,509 --> 00:12:23,430 Yeah, and 'cause I ate too many commemorative keychains. 300 00:12:23,513 --> 00:12:28,143 -Sure. -And also, then I found out about 9/11. 301 00:12:28,226 --> 00:12:31,480 Did you know all those people died on my birthday? 302 00:12:31,563 --> 00:12:32,898 I-- yes. 303 00:12:32,981 --> 00:12:34,983 And you didn't tell me? Why? 304 00:12:35,066 --> 00:12:38,445 Well, I thought it was funny, but now I'm not so sure. 305 00:12:38,528 --> 00:12:39,863 Kind of like Ace Ventura. 306 00:12:39,946 --> 00:12:42,783 Wait, my birthday's an American tragedy 307 00:12:42,866 --> 00:12:45,744 and Ace Ventura's not funny? 308 00:12:45,827 --> 00:12:49,039 This is the worst day of my entire life. 309 00:12:50,290 --> 00:12:51,291 Oh, man, I get it. 310 00:12:51,374 --> 00:12:53,043 We're all the child. 311 00:12:53,126 --> 00:12:55,170 And your news media's the fucking spoon, innit? 312 00:12:55,253 --> 00:12:57,714 I'll fuck a spoon if you watch, guv'nor. 313 00:12:57,798 --> 00:12:59,591 It's lucky you guys had the day off today. 314 00:12:59,674 --> 00:13:01,259 Well, actually, we kind of... [chuckles] 315 00:13:01,343 --> 00:13:03,011 We kinda made our own luck. We ditched. 316 00:13:03,094 --> 00:13:04,054 You skipped school? 317 00:13:04,137 --> 00:13:06,598 Yeah. Jessi Brown, not present. [laughs] 318 00:13:06,681 --> 00:13:08,683 Jessi Brown? Her last name is Glaser. 319 00:13:08,767 --> 00:13:09,643 No, it's not, mate. 320 00:13:09,726 --> 00:13:11,895 -Hey, Jessi, what's your surname? -Yeah, tell us, Jessi. 321 00:13:11,978 --> 00:13:13,939 It's honestly not important. 322 00:13:14,022 --> 00:13:15,982 He can call you whatever he wants. 323 00:13:16,066 --> 00:13:19,027 Even though it's kinda insane he thinks your last name is Brown. 324 00:13:19,110 --> 00:13:22,072 He knows me, he doesn't have to know my name. 325 00:13:22,155 --> 00:13:23,740 That's a low bar, Jessi Brown. 326 00:13:23,824 --> 00:13:26,076 Could you just shut up and be horny? Isn't that your job? 327 00:13:26,159 --> 00:13:29,371 Hey! You don't come to my work and slap the dick out of my mouth. 328 00:13:29,454 --> 00:13:31,998 See, the media is the spoon, do you get it? 'Cause I got it. 329 00:13:32,082 --> 00:13:33,166 None of this means anything. 330 00:13:33,250 --> 00:13:35,460 He's a phony who doesn't even know Jessi's name. 331 00:13:35,544 --> 00:13:37,546 He doesn't have to know her name. He knows her! 332 00:13:37,629 --> 00:13:39,130 Why are you defending him? 333 00:13:39,214 --> 00:13:42,551 Hey! I don't come to your dick and slap the house out of your mouth! 334 00:13:42,634 --> 00:13:44,094 -Hey, Connie? Quick pow-wow. -Yeah? 335 00:13:44,177 --> 00:13:45,220 You seem a little... 336 00:13:45,303 --> 00:13:47,764 I think the technical term is "fatutzed"? 337 00:13:47,848 --> 00:13:49,724 Yeah, yeah, I'm overwhelmed, Maury. 338 00:13:49,808 --> 00:13:51,810 -How's your blood shuggie? -It's low, I guess. 339 00:13:51,893 --> 00:13:53,854 -It's just, I got these two kids... -Yeah. 340 00:13:53,937 --> 00:13:56,773 Alison was executed at the boot camp-- 341 00:13:56,857 --> 00:13:59,025 -It's too much, Connie. -It's too much! 342 00:13:59,109 --> 00:14:00,610 I know. I mean, look at me. 343 00:14:00,694 --> 00:14:04,114 I've got Andrew, he's a jack-off machine, it's easy. 344 00:14:04,197 --> 00:14:07,200 And Matthew, well, he's more of a friend at this point. 345 00:14:07,284 --> 00:14:09,661 And Nick, he doesn't like Jessi's boyfriend. 346 00:14:09,744 --> 00:14:11,162 Oh, that's 'cause, well, 'cause he likes her. 347 00:14:11,246 --> 00:14:12,664 -He what now? -Oh, Connie, 348 00:14:12,747 --> 00:14:14,749 it's clear as the dick on my face. 349 00:14:14,833 --> 00:14:16,501 Nicorice likes Jennifer. 350 00:14:16,585 --> 00:14:18,128 Let's roll the tape, boys. 351 00:14:18,628 --> 00:14:21,339 We get it. She's your girlfriend. You possess her. [chuckles] 352 00:14:21,423 --> 00:14:24,593 Look at that stare, his little fists balled up. 353 00:14:24,676 --> 00:14:26,303 That's a jealous boy. 354 00:14:26,386 --> 00:14:29,347 Oh, shit, Maury. You're right! 355 00:14:29,431 --> 00:14:31,308 How could I be so blind? 356 00:14:31,391 --> 00:14:34,269 Oh, wait, here's my student film I did when I went to Columbia. 357 00:14:34,352 --> 00:14:35,270 This shit again? 358 00:14:35,353 --> 00:14:37,272 I was very attracted to that actress. 359 00:14:37,355 --> 00:14:39,482 -I gave her so many notes. -[gun cocks] 360 00:14:39,566 --> 00:14:40,817 That was a real gun. 361 00:14:42,068 --> 00:14:43,361 Whoa, wait, wait, wait. 362 00:14:43,445 --> 00:14:45,447 Sorry, I'm just-- I'm a little nervous. 363 00:14:45,530 --> 00:14:47,324 I've never been to a college party before. 364 00:14:47,407 --> 00:14:49,242 There's gonna be ass and chardonnay. 365 00:14:49,326 --> 00:14:52,162 That's why I'm dialing my switch up all the way to here! 366 00:14:52,287 --> 00:14:53,788 "Supa dupa Black"? 367 00:14:53,872 --> 00:14:56,041 Yeah, this party's gonna be like a Jay-Z music video. 368 00:14:56,124 --> 00:14:59,294 [hip hop music playing] 369 00:15:03,757 --> 00:15:07,469 Holy honkers! A pool in a boat in a pool on a building? 370 00:15:07,552 --> 00:15:09,888 Well, that explains why NYU is so expensive. 371 00:15:09,971 --> 00:15:11,681 Yo, this party's gonna be so fire. 372 00:15:11,765 --> 00:15:14,392 Yeah, everybody's gonna get burnt up to a crisp, 373 00:15:14,476 --> 00:15:15,977 and there'll be flames coming out of-- 374 00:15:16,061 --> 00:15:18,229 I don't know. I wish I had one of those code switches. 375 00:15:18,313 --> 00:15:19,522 Don't even worry about it. I got you. 376 00:15:19,606 --> 00:15:21,191 I'm about to be Black enough for both of us. 377 00:15:21,274 --> 00:15:23,526 -Okay. -I'm going buck-fucking-wild up there! 378 00:15:23,610 --> 00:15:27,489 Again, did you say "butt fucking"? Or are you saying "buck fucking"? 379 00:15:27,572 --> 00:15:30,492 I'm fine with either, I just-- I wanna know what the vibe is. 380 00:15:31,076 --> 00:15:34,079 Yo, cousin! And you got a little homie with you. 381 00:15:34,162 --> 00:15:37,749 Hey, Lena. I hope it's okay that I brought my classmate Devon. 382 00:15:37,832 --> 00:15:39,709 Thought Bridgeton didn't have other Black kids. 383 00:15:39,793 --> 00:15:42,420 [scoffs] Naw, B, I hold it down up there. Trust! 384 00:15:42,504 --> 00:15:44,506 You holdin' down the mean streets of Westchester, big guy? 385 00:15:44,589 --> 00:15:49,761 On my mama, it's secured. I got the 9-1-4 on lock. It's handled, Ma. 386 00:15:49,844 --> 00:15:51,721 Okay, chill out with the Nick Cannon energy. 387 00:15:51,805 --> 00:15:53,807 Devon isn't set to Nick Cannon. 388 00:15:53,890 --> 00:15:56,393 -He's actually set to supa dupa Black. -[Devon mumbles] 389 00:15:56,476 --> 00:15:58,937 He has this incredible thing called a code switch. 390 00:15:59,020 --> 00:16:01,314 -Missy, chill, chill. -Do you have a code switch, Lena? 391 00:16:01,398 --> 00:16:03,274 Hell, no, I broke that shit a long time ago. 392 00:16:03,358 --> 00:16:05,402 I only kept "Pretzels" 'cause their music is twisted. 393 00:16:05,527 --> 00:16:08,780 [screams] Break my body! 394 00:16:08,863 --> 00:16:10,615 Why'd you break it? It seems so useful. 395 00:16:10,699 --> 00:16:12,075 It's oppressive. 396 00:16:12,158 --> 00:16:14,160 -Aligning yourself with white norms -[bong gurgling] 397 00:16:14,244 --> 00:16:16,663 …just to be deemed a nonthreatening Black person? 398 00:16:16,746 --> 00:16:18,331 And it doesn't work the other way around. 399 00:16:18,415 --> 00:16:20,542 -Oh, that's true. -We gotta know about the Beatles, 400 00:16:20,625 --> 00:16:22,335 but they ain't gotta know shit about Jodeci. 401 00:16:22,419 --> 00:16:24,838 Now, if I had that point, I'd have said Bell Biv DeVoe. 402 00:16:24,921 --> 00:16:26,256 Now you know. [chuckles] 403 00:16:26,339 --> 00:16:28,008 That's all fine in theory. That's cute. 404 00:16:28,091 --> 00:16:29,968 But what about interviewing to get into college? 405 00:16:30,051 --> 00:16:31,970 Or trying to get a hand job from your white wife? 406 00:16:32,053 --> 00:16:33,847 No, no, no! That's some bullshit! 407 00:16:33,930 --> 00:16:36,850 Just because I'm a minority, I need to minimize my culture? 408 00:16:36,933 --> 00:16:41,730 Wow! What a gorgeous and spirited exchange of ideas! I love partying. 409 00:16:41,813 --> 00:16:44,315 I thought this was gonna be a Jay-Z video, 410 00:16:44,399 --> 00:16:46,943 not an episode of Dear White People. 411 00:16:47,027 --> 00:16:49,112 No, shh! This is so much better. 412 00:16:49,529 --> 00:16:50,655 It feels like... 413 00:16:50,739 --> 00:16:53,074 It feels like Wakanda! 414 00:16:53,908 --> 00:16:58,371 I refuse to soften my tone or remove slang from my vocabulary 415 00:16:58,455 --> 00:17:02,417 just to be compatible with a system  created on stolen land and slave labor! 416 00:17:02,500 --> 00:17:03,501 Ooh, yeah! Speak on it. 417 00:17:03,585 --> 00:17:06,212 I'm gonna talk how I talk, like Ryan Coogler. 418 00:17:06,296 --> 00:17:07,881 He'll be on The View sounding Black as fuck. 419 00:17:07,964 --> 00:17:09,966 -Even Whoopi be confused. -Oh, please! 420 00:17:10,050 --> 00:17:13,386 You think Ryan Coogler sounds the same at a cookout in East Oakland 421 00:17:13,470 --> 00:17:15,096 as he does in a boardroom at Disney? 422 00:17:15,180 --> 00:17:17,015 You know who doesn't code switch? 423 00:17:17,098 --> 00:17:19,017 Eeyore. He's always sad. 424 00:17:19,100 --> 00:17:21,478 Ooh, that's true. That donkey suffers. 425 00:17:21,561 --> 00:17:22,395 What about Jay-Z? 426 00:17:22,479 --> 00:17:23,480 What about HOV? 427 00:17:23,563 --> 00:17:25,732 You're celebrating him. He's the ultimate code-switcher! 428 00:17:25,815 --> 00:17:27,817 Look, man, code-switching is corny as shit. 429 00:17:27,901 --> 00:17:30,236 I'm not corny. I'm super popular at school. 430 00:17:30,320 --> 00:17:32,322 Let's dissect this, though! 431 00:17:32,405 --> 00:17:33,615 Why do they like you? 432 00:17:33,698 --> 00:17:35,492 Because you fill the role as the cool Black kid 433 00:17:35,575 --> 00:17:37,035 in a suburban white middle school? 434 00:17:37,118 --> 00:17:39,370 You hoop? You know how to do the latest viral dance? 435 00:17:39,454 --> 00:17:41,206 You do the "woah" for them? 436 00:17:41,289 --> 00:17:43,458 -[knock on door] -Shh! You guys, hide the bong! 437 00:17:43,541 --> 00:17:46,419 I don't give a shit! If that's the motherfucking RA, I'm about to-- 438 00:17:46,503 --> 00:17:47,337 Oh, hey, Nadia. 439 00:17:47,420 --> 00:17:49,422 Hey. Are we still going to Pinkberry later? 440 00:17:49,506 --> 00:17:51,341 You bet your bottom dollar we are. 441 00:17:51,424 --> 00:17:53,093 -Yaas, queen. -Okay, go off. 442 00:17:53,176 --> 00:17:54,636 Okay, buss down. 443 00:17:55,678 --> 00:17:58,181 Don't you say a motherfucking word. Okay, this different. 444 00:17:58,264 --> 00:18:00,100 Why, 'cause you're code switching for pussy? 445 00:18:00,183 --> 00:18:01,935 -[all laughing] -She got you! 446 00:18:02,018 --> 00:18:04,437 Oh, my God, Missy just said "pussy" for the first time. 447 00:18:04,521 --> 00:18:06,439 Oh! I did it! [laughs] 448 00:18:06,731 --> 00:18:08,525 I said "pussy." Ha! 449 00:18:09,317 --> 00:18:11,945 So is that a sheep, or is it a cloud? 450 00:18:12,028 --> 00:18:13,863 Either way, it's genius. 451 00:18:13,947 --> 00:18:14,781 Stop. 452 00:18:14,864 --> 00:18:16,449 Stop right there. You're perfect. 453 00:18:16,533 --> 00:18:18,034 -[laughs] -You know it, too, don't you? 454 00:18:18,118 --> 00:18:20,453 -You'll paint me like a French whore? -Yeah. 455 00:18:20,537 --> 00:18:23,081 -Should I take my shirt off? -Yes, you'll be his muse. 456 00:18:23,164 --> 00:18:24,249 Oh, monsieur! 457 00:18:24,332 --> 00:18:26,876 Lay naked on a silk sheet, eating papaya. 458 00:18:26,960 --> 00:18:30,296 Oh, yeah,  and I'll still be wearing my socks. 459 00:18:30,380 --> 00:18:32,715 So what do you think? 460 00:18:32,799 --> 00:18:35,385 -Think about what? -My boyfriend. Do you like him? 461 00:18:35,468 --> 00:18:36,302 -That guy? -Yeah. 462 00:18:36,386 --> 00:18:37,679 -That's your boyfriend? -Yes. 463 00:18:37,762 --> 00:18:40,306 Oh, I thought he said he was dating a girl named Jessi Brown. 464 00:18:40,390 --> 00:18:42,559 What's your deal? You're not being very supportive. 465 00:18:42,642 --> 00:18:45,854 What do you mean? We ditched a school trip and came to visit you, 466 00:18:45,937 --> 00:18:47,772 and now you're spending your whole time time making out with a guy 467 00:18:47,856 --> 00:18:48,815 who doesn't know your last name. 468 00:18:48,898 --> 00:18:51,526 Whoa, Nick, dial it back, you're sounding kinda jealous. 469 00:18:51,609 --> 00:18:53,820 I'm not jealous. I'm just looking out for my friend. 470 00:18:53,903 --> 00:18:56,322 Really? 'Cause I think you got a little upset 471 00:18:56,406 --> 00:18:59,576 when you saw Jessi making out  with that international hunk of mancakes. 472 00:18:59,659 --> 00:19:00,785 What? That's crazy. 473 00:19:00,869 --> 00:19:03,121 -Come on, man. You like her! -Huh? 474 00:19:03,204 --> 00:19:06,791 I'm your hormone monstress, baby. I know everything. 475 00:19:06,875 --> 00:19:10,003 I'm watching you when you sleep, when you pee-pee, when you poo-poo. 476 00:19:10,086 --> 00:19:11,880 What? You're watching me while I shit? 477 00:19:11,963 --> 00:19:13,256 Well, I'm into poo-poo. 478 00:19:13,339 --> 00:19:15,592 Okay, then, for, like, the sake of argument... 479 00:19:15,675 --> 00:19:18,094 -Mm-hmm. -...let's just say I did like Jessi. 480 00:19:18,178 --> 00:19:21,931 What then? Would you tell her to dump Michael Angelo and get with me? 481 00:19:22,015 --> 00:19:24,350 [chuckles] Nick, come on, you know I can't do that. 482 00:19:24,434 --> 00:19:26,519 Why not?  I know you're her hormone monstress! 483 00:19:26,644 --> 00:19:28,396 -Now, Nick-- -Tell her he fucking sucks! 484 00:19:28,479 --> 00:19:29,647 No, I won't do that. 485 00:19:29,731 --> 00:19:31,524 And you know what? I do not like your tone. 486 00:19:31,608 --> 00:19:34,527 -Well, I don't like your hair! -[gasps] You take that back. 487 00:19:34,611 --> 00:19:36,905 Oh, God, I-- I-- 488 00:19:36,988 --> 00:19:38,948 -No, Connie, don't cry. -[sobbing] 489 00:19:39,032 --> 00:19:41,826 -Connie, please, I'm sorry-- -[retches] When I cry, I barf. 490 00:19:41,910 --> 00:19:43,161 Hey, guys, look at this! 491 00:19:43,244 --> 00:19:46,539 Michael Angelo put me in his dope-ass art! 492 00:19:46,623 --> 00:19:48,249 I'm an indictment of society. 493 00:19:48,333 --> 00:19:51,127 See? This guy's an asshole. He's got Andrew eating shit. 494 00:19:51,211 --> 00:19:53,630 You're the only one who's mad. Andrew likes it. 495 00:19:53,713 --> 00:19:55,089 You're all under his spell! 496 00:19:55,173 --> 00:19:57,133 You're the sheep eating his shit! 497 00:19:57,217 --> 00:19:59,761 That's why it's brilliant. You can use it in every situation. 498 00:19:59,844 --> 00:20:02,639 -[imitates Michael Angelo] "Oh, can you?" -Don't talk to him like that! 499 00:20:02,722 --> 00:20:05,099 Sorry, babers.  He's too basic to understand 500 00:20:05,183 --> 00:20:07,435 how complex and intense your work is. 501 00:20:07,518 --> 00:20:10,063 -Happens all the time, love. -And that fucking voice! 502 00:20:10,146 --> 00:20:13,107 -What voice? -[mocking] "What voice? What voice?" 503 00:20:13,191 --> 00:20:15,818 The Jessi I knew would never dumb herself down for some guy! 504 00:20:15,902 --> 00:20:19,155 You're just pissed off because I have somebody, and you don't! 505 00:20:19,239 --> 00:20:21,574 And you're just hooking up with some random asshole 506 00:20:21,658 --> 00:20:24,452 'cause you're all sad that your family's a fucked-up mess. 507 00:20:24,535 --> 00:20:25,495 Oh, eat shit. 508 00:20:25,578 --> 00:20:29,624 No, thanks, I'm not part of one of your boyfriend's fake-ass "art" pieces! 509 00:20:29,707 --> 00:20:31,251 Andrew, let's get the fuck out of here. 510 00:20:31,334 --> 00:20:33,127 Here's my e-mail, you know, 511 00:20:33,211 --> 00:20:36,673 if you ever wanna paint me getting pissed on by a computer, 512 00:20:36,756 --> 00:20:38,841 or pissed on by you and a group of your friends. 513 00:20:38,925 --> 00:20:40,134 -You're the artist. -Yeah. 514 00:20:40,218 --> 00:20:41,511 I'll do whatever you want. 515 00:20:41,594 --> 00:20:44,180 Man, today was just so dope! 516 00:20:44,264 --> 00:20:46,307 Yeah, and I can't believe I said the p-word. 517 00:20:46,391 --> 00:20:49,018 Oh, I'm sorry if Lena made you look like kind of a pussy. 518 00:20:49,102 --> 00:20:50,853 [gasps] Whoa, I said it again! 519 00:20:50,937 --> 00:20:53,189 This is incredible. I am really changing. 520 00:20:53,273 --> 00:20:54,440 She was kind of making sense. 521 00:20:54,524 --> 00:20:57,277 You know, being a fake version of myself is definitely corny. 522 00:20:57,360 --> 00:20:59,153 Yeah, but don't be hard on yourself. 523 00:20:59,237 --> 00:21:00,697 Sometimes you have to code switch, 524 00:21:00,780 --> 00:21:02,282 for safety or to get ahead 525 00:21:02,365 --> 00:21:04,867 -in this honky town. -[chuckles] I fuck with the new Missy. 526 00:21:04,951 --> 00:21:05,994 Really? 527 00:21:06,077 --> 00:21:08,997 You know, I just wish I could be myself around my friends more. 528 00:21:09,080 --> 00:21:10,790 You can always be yourself around me. 529 00:21:10,873 --> 00:21:12,625 Aw, thanks, Missy. 530 00:21:12,709 --> 00:21:14,752 Grab him and stick your tongue down his throat! 531 00:21:14,836 --> 00:21:18,047 Let's turn Ground Zero into Pound Zero! 532 00:21:18,131 --> 00:21:20,300 Wow, you are so inappropriate. 533 00:21:20,383 --> 00:21:21,217 That's my job. 534 00:21:21,301 --> 00:21:24,345 And besides, I like Devon being my friend. 535 00:21:24,429 --> 00:21:26,639 But he's the coolest boy in school. 536 00:21:26,723 --> 00:21:30,518 And did you see his hot little nipples in the Wakanda sequence? 537 00:21:30,601 --> 00:21:34,188 Mona, you know I did, but he's a married man. 538 00:21:34,272 --> 00:21:37,317 Hmm. So was Robert Plant when he took my virginity. 539 00:21:37,859 --> 00:21:40,778 Come on, everybody, get on the big, yellow car. 540 00:21:40,862 --> 00:21:42,989 Oh, hey, Steve! We never got off the bus. 541 00:21:43,072 --> 00:21:45,199 Yeah, we actually got off in the bus. 542 00:21:45,283 --> 00:21:47,994 We rubbed fronts until I cheesed into a hole in the seat. 543 00:21:48,077 --> 00:21:51,164 Aw, I'm happy for you, Jay, but I'm sad for me. 544 00:21:51,247 --> 00:21:53,333 I'm sorry. Did you not have a good birthday? 545 00:21:53,416 --> 00:21:56,085 I'm never gonna celebrate my birthday ever again. 546 00:21:56,169 --> 00:21:58,171 You ruined Coach Steve's birthday. 547 00:21:58,254 --> 00:21:59,464 I know that, Caleb. 548 00:21:59,547 --> 00:22:01,758 Also, I got rock candy from the gift shop. 549 00:22:01,841 --> 00:22:03,801 -[Devon] Hey, I love basketball. -[camera clicking] 550 00:22:03,885 --> 00:22:05,136 Those pictures of you are great. 551 00:22:05,219 --> 00:22:06,721 Are you sure? What about this one? 552 00:22:06,804 --> 00:22:09,932 It's kind of fucked up you spent the whole day at the 9/11 Museum 553 00:22:10,016 --> 00:22:11,893 -taking selfies. -What the hell, Devon? 554 00:22:11,976 --> 00:22:14,937 You were the perfect husband all day, and now you ruined it right at the end? 555 00:22:15,021 --> 00:22:17,273 -[Devon scoffs] -Can I help you, Missy? 556 00:22:17,357 --> 00:22:20,109 Do you and your little braids have something to say? 557 00:22:20,193 --> 00:22:23,654 Um, yeah.  As a matter of fact, I do. 558 00:22:23,738 --> 00:22:26,157 You don't get to talk about the way I look! 559 00:22:26,240 --> 00:22:29,202 And you sure as fuck... Yeah, I said the f-word! 560 00:22:29,285 --> 00:22:31,704 ...don't get to tell me how Black I am! 561 00:22:31,788 --> 00:22:35,124 -What? -That's right, you rank-ass bitch! 562 00:22:35,208 --> 00:22:39,670 I'm keepin' it 98, plus a one, and a two! 563 00:22:39,754 --> 00:22:42,548 -[all laughing] -Oh, shit. Now, that's 100. 564 00:22:43,091 --> 00:22:46,302 [Jessi] So, how many of these are you gonna do? 565 00:22:46,386 --> 00:22:48,554 Babe, don't interrupt me while I'm creating. 566 00:22:48,638 --> 00:22:51,682 Would you ask the other Michelangelo how many Mona Lisas he's gonna make? 567 00:22:51,766 --> 00:22:54,477 -I think that was Da Vinci. -I think you're interrupting me again. 568 00:22:54,560 --> 00:22:57,230 Oh, no. Is it possible Nick was right? 569 00:22:57,313 --> 00:22:58,981 [sighs] Is Michael Angelo a bad guy? 570 00:22:59,065 --> 00:23:00,775 I don't wanna get in the middle of this shit, 571 00:23:00,858 --> 00:23:03,653 but I will say Nick's got a dark fuckin' heart 572 00:23:03,736 --> 00:23:05,154 and a mean, shitty soul 573 00:23:05,238 --> 00:23:06,989 and fucked-up opinions about hair. 574 00:23:07,073 --> 00:23:07,907 You're right. 575 00:23:07,990 --> 00:23:09,700 He's an asshole. Thank you. 576 00:23:09,784 --> 00:23:11,828 I don't know, I think maybe Nick has a point. 577 00:23:11,911 --> 00:23:13,579 Oh, shit. She's back? 578 00:23:13,663 --> 00:23:16,499 But she can't break up with Michael Angelo. 579 00:23:16,582 --> 00:23:17,750 Then she'll have nothing. 580 00:23:17,834 --> 00:23:19,961 Come on! Not Kitty, too. 581 00:23:20,044 --> 00:23:21,295 -Shit! -Oh, God. 582 00:23:21,379 --> 00:23:22,213 Kitty's right. 583 00:23:22,296 --> 00:23:25,341 You don't go to school anymore. You don't have friends! 584 00:23:25,425 --> 00:23:28,511 We gotta hold onto Michael Angelo for dear life... 585 00:23:28,594 --> 00:23:30,847 [sighs] I think they're right, Connie. 586 00:23:30,930 --> 00:23:32,014 All right, baby. 587 00:23:32,098 --> 00:23:35,184 Well, there's just one thing I gotta do. 588 00:23:35,268 --> 00:23:37,437 Okay, everybody, come on. Up here, up here. 589 00:23:37,520 --> 00:23:39,147 Hey, Nick. Can we talk? 590 00:23:39,230 --> 00:23:42,358 About what? How hot and cool and mysterious Michael Angelo is? 591 00:23:42,442 --> 00:23:44,402 No, honey, we need to talk about us. 592 00:23:44,485 --> 00:23:47,447 -Fine, let's just do it on the bus. -I'm not getting on the bus, sweetie. 593 00:23:47,530 --> 00:23:49,282 Why, 'cause it smells like BO and jizz? 594 00:23:49,365 --> 00:23:51,993 No, those are my favorite smells. You know that. 595 00:23:52,076 --> 00:23:54,120 No. Nick, I can't do this. 596 00:23:54,203 --> 00:23:55,955 Uh, what do you mean? 597 00:23:56,038 --> 00:23:58,207 I mean I can't be your hormone monstress anymore. 598 00:23:58,291 --> 00:23:59,959 Oh, come on. We had one fight! 599 00:24:00,042 --> 00:24:01,544 Is this about the hair comment? 600 00:24:01,627 --> 00:24:02,879 -Look, I'm sorry. -No. 601 00:24:02,962 --> 00:24:05,548 It's not that. Although, motherfucker-- 602 00:24:06,591 --> 00:24:07,425 Hey. 603 00:24:08,009 --> 00:24:10,511 Listen, we had some great times together, 604 00:24:10,595 --> 00:24:13,931 and I know you're gonna make some other monster really, really happy. 605 00:24:14,015 --> 00:24:15,266 Hold on! 606 00:24:15,641 --> 00:24:17,685 Are you, like, breaking up with me right now? 607 00:24:17,768 --> 00:24:18,811 Is this because of Jessi? 608 00:24:18,895 --> 00:24:20,229 I was with her first. 609 00:24:20,313 --> 00:24:21,606 It's a conflict of interest-- 610 00:24:21,689 --> 00:24:23,107 Fine! You know what? Let's break up. 611 00:24:23,191 --> 00:24:24,817 Look, I think you're a wonderful boy-- 612 00:24:24,901 --> 00:24:25,943 Oh, thank you. 613 00:24:26,027 --> 00:24:28,404 You know what? You don't get to be nice to me now, Connie. 614 00:24:28,488 --> 00:24:30,239 That's not how this works, and FYI, 615 00:24:30,323 --> 00:24:32,200 -we won't be friends after this. -Wait, come on. 616 00:24:32,283 --> 00:24:34,952 Don't contact me on my birthday. I'm not rooting for you. 617 00:24:35,036 --> 00:24:37,038 If anyone asks, I'm gonna say bad stuff about you. 618 00:24:37,121 --> 00:24:39,040 -I can tell you're upset-- -I'm not upset! 619 00:24:39,123 --> 00:24:40,708 Actually, Connie, I'm relieved. 620 00:24:40,791 --> 00:24:43,044 'Cause I don't need you and I don't need anybody. 621 00:24:43,127 --> 00:24:44,086 Okay, fine. 622 00:24:44,587 --> 00:24:45,755 Goodbye, Nick. 623 00:24:45,838 --> 00:24:47,882 Fuck you, Connie. Your hair's dry, use conditioner. 624 00:24:47,965 --> 00:24:50,760 You don't mean that! My hair is fantastic. 625 00:24:52,094 --> 00:24:53,179 [moans] 626 00:24:53,638 --> 00:24:57,600 Everybody, there's a very sweet man on this bus... 627 00:24:57,683 --> 00:24:59,143 Is his name Thomas Donut? 628 00:24:59,227 --> 00:25:01,312 ...who no matter what happens to him... 629 00:25:01,395 --> 00:25:03,481 Something happened to Thomas Donut? 630 00:25:03,564 --> 00:25:04,982 ...always stays positive... 631 00:25:05,066 --> 00:25:06,776 Oh, he means Magic Johnson. 632 00:25:06,859 --> 00:25:08,945 ...and he would never be mean  to anybody... 633 00:25:09,028 --> 00:25:10,279 Alex Baldwin. 634 00:25:10,363 --> 00:25:12,323 ...and it's his birthday today. 635 00:25:12,406 --> 00:25:14,158 It's Alex Baldwin's birthday? 636 00:25:14,242 --> 00:25:15,993 It's you, Steve. 637 00:25:16,077 --> 00:25:17,537 ♪ Happy birthday to-- ♪ 638 00:25:17,620 --> 00:25:20,331 No, no, no! I'm not gonna celebrate my birthday anymore. 639 00:25:20,414 --> 00:25:21,999 But we have to, Steve. 640 00:25:22,083 --> 00:25:24,794 Because if we don't, then the terrorists win. 641 00:25:24,877 --> 00:25:26,337 Whoa! 642 00:25:26,420 --> 00:25:27,964 We can't let that happen! 643 00:25:28,047 --> 00:25:29,298 [Lola] Um, excuse me! 644 00:25:29,382 --> 00:25:31,968 But, like, when you actually think  about it... 645 00:25:32,051 --> 00:25:32,885 Uh-oh. 646 00:25:32,969 --> 00:25:34,637 ...given their stated goals, and the way 647 00:25:34,720 --> 00:25:39,308 in which America's foreign policy has become increasingly isolationist... 648 00:25:39,392 --> 00:25:40,685 -Oh, boy. -...it's fair to say 649 00:25:40,768 --> 00:25:44,897 that the terrorists, like, did, in fact, very much win. 650 00:25:44,981 --> 00:25:46,566 Happy 9/11, everybody! 651 00:25:46,649 --> 00:25:47,525 [chuckles nervously] 652 00:25:47,608 --> 00:25:50,361 ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪ 653 00:25:50,444 --> 00:25:52,989 ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪ 654 00:25:53,072 --> 00:25:56,909 -♪ Happy birthday, Thomas Donut ♪ -♪ Happy birthday, Coach Steve ♪ 655 00:25:56,993 --> 00:25:59,120 ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪ 656 00:25:59,203 --> 00:26:01,247 -[groans] -[Tito buzzes] 657 00:26:01,330 --> 00:26:02,999 -["Bury a Friend" playing] -♪ I wanna end me ♪ 658 00:26:03,082 --> 00:26:06,544 ♪ I wanna, I wanna, I wanna end me ♪ 659 00:26:06,627 --> 00:26:09,338 ♪ I wanna, I wanna, I wanna ♪ 660 00:26:09,422 --> 00:26:13,134 ♪ What do you want from me? Why don't you run from me? ♪ 661 00:26:13,217 --> 00:26:16,679 ♪ What are you wondering?  What do you know? ♪ 662 00:26:17,179 --> 00:26:21,225 ♪ Why aren't you scared of me? Why do you care for me? ♪ 663 00:26:21,309 --> 00:26:24,604 ♪ When we all fall asleep Where do we go? ♪ 664 00:26:25,646 --> 00:26:28,399 -♪ Listen ♪ -♪ Keep you in the dark ♪ 665 00:26:29,108 --> 00:26:32,028 ♪ What had you expected? Me to make you my art ♪ 666 00:26:32,111 --> 00:26:34,322 ♪ And make you a star And get you connected? ♪ 667 00:26:34,405 --> 00:26:38,492 ♪ I'll meet you in the park I'll be calm and collected ♪ 668 00:26:38,576 --> 00:26:41,120 ♪ But we knew right from the start  That you'd fall apart ♪ 669 00:26:41,203 --> 00:26:42,580 ♪ 'Cause I'm too expensive ♪ 670 00:26:42,663 --> 00:26:45,583 ♪ It's probably something  That shouldn't be said out loud ♪ 671 00:26:48,377 --> 00:26:49,795 [kazoo plays] 672 00:26:50,379 --> 00:26:52,298 -[man] Fathouse. -[ticking] 673 00:26:52,381 --> 00:26:55,301 -[man] Chirp. -[man 2 laughs] "Good at Bizness."