1 00:00:09,613 --> 00:00:11,365 [bell rings] 2 00:00:11,449 --> 00:00:14,452 Ahh. Smell all that floor cleanser. 3 00:00:14,535 --> 00:00:16,287 It is the first day of school. 4 00:00:16,370 --> 00:00:19,206 Eighth grade! Look at us, growing up. 5 00:00:19,290 --> 00:00:20,624 Not like Bart Simpson. 6 00:00:20,708 --> 00:00:23,836 That yellow schmuck's been in fourth grade for, like, 30 years. 7 00:00:23,919 --> 00:00:26,922 Also, is his hair, like, his skin? 8 00:00:27,006 --> 00:00:29,133 -Yeah, he should get that looked at. -I mean, draw hair. 9 00:00:29,216 --> 00:00:31,135 [fanfare plays] 10 00:00:31,218 --> 00:00:33,345 That's right, we're back. 11 00:00:33,429 --> 00:00:36,932 And in a pointless twist, we've got a new masked principal. 12 00:00:37,016 --> 00:00:38,976 You have to guess who it is by the end of the year, 13 00:00:39,060 --> 00:00:41,187 or we lose all our funding! Here's a clue. 14 00:00:41,270 --> 00:00:44,899 I may be a gopher, but I love the water. 15 00:00:44,982 --> 00:00:49,111 Uh-uh-uh. Before you guess, think about who'd be willing to actually do this. 16 00:00:49,195 --> 00:00:50,654 I think it's Paula Abdul. 17 00:00:50,738 --> 00:00:54,241 In other news, I don't know what you did last summer, so let's find out! 18 00:00:54,325 --> 00:00:58,204 For our honeymoon, my parents sent us to Rye Playland. 19 00:00:58,287 --> 00:00:59,288 It was so dope! 20 00:00:59,371 --> 00:01:03,084 I ate a ton of cotton candy before noon and then had a major meltdown. 21 00:01:03,167 --> 00:01:07,755 Uh, so Samira and I are a couple now, and we have "sleepovers"! [laughs] 22 00:01:07,880 --> 00:01:09,632 Her parents watch John Wick every night, 23 00:01:09,715 --> 00:01:12,051 so they don't hear all the... [moans, slurps] 24 00:01:12,134 --> 00:01:14,720 I think the masked principal is Kathy Lee Gifford. 25 00:01:14,804 --> 00:01:16,347 Whoa, Ali and Samira? 26 00:01:16,430 --> 00:01:17,973 Seems like everyone's coupling up. 27 00:01:18,057 --> 00:01:22,144 Well, we went from being Jay and Lola to the obvious couple nickname... 28 00:01:22,228 --> 00:01:23,062 Lo-Jay. 29 00:01:23,145 --> 00:01:25,564 I'm gonna lick the breakfast out of your molars. 30 00:01:25,648 --> 00:01:28,526 Hope you like Lean Pocket Shrimp Vindaloo. 31 00:01:28,609 --> 00:01:29,610 [slurping] 32 00:01:29,693 --> 00:01:30,986 Jay and Lola? 33 00:01:31,070 --> 00:01:33,405 We're, like, the only ones in our grade who are still single. 34 00:01:33,489 --> 00:01:35,699 Oh, look, even Lump has a girlfriend. 35 00:01:35,783 --> 00:01:37,326 Actually, I have two. 36 00:01:37,409 --> 00:01:41,956 I've been beating them off with a stick ever since I got this flavor saver. 37 00:01:42,039 --> 00:01:45,084 Oh, we will find out soon  what your flavor is. 38 00:01:45,167 --> 00:01:47,628 Mm, yes, soon we will slaughter this boy. 39 00:01:47,711 --> 00:01:51,674 And consume his flesh like we were at a human steak bistro. 40 00:01:51,757 --> 00:01:54,677 Aw, this sucks. All the girls in our grade are taken. 41 00:01:54,760 --> 00:01:56,971 Not all of them. What about that new girl? 42 00:01:57,555 --> 00:01:59,056 [Andrew] Ooh! New girl? 43 00:01:59,140 --> 00:02:00,516 [Nick chuckles] Whoa! 44 00:02:00,599 --> 00:02:02,268 [gasps] Oh, my God, is that Missy? 45 00:02:02,351 --> 00:02:05,271 Mmm! And you can see her yummy tummy. 46 00:02:05,354 --> 00:02:06,647 Andy likey. 47 00:02:06,730 --> 00:02:08,983 God, I bet her belly button smells insane. 48 00:02:09,066 --> 00:02:10,484 Hey, Missy. Love the new look! 49 00:02:10,568 --> 00:02:11,902 Yeah, it's fucking fantastic. 50 00:02:11,986 --> 00:02:15,156 Well, fellas, this actually is not for you. 51 00:02:15,239 --> 00:02:18,159 So avert your male gaze and keep your comments to yourself. 52 00:02:18,242 --> 00:02:20,619 And do not touch my hair with your eyes. 53 00:02:20,703 --> 00:02:24,748 Okay, well, how about him touching the inside of your mouth with his penis? 54 00:02:24,832 --> 00:02:28,043 Well, it's official. There's no one left in our grade to go out with. 55 00:02:28,127 --> 00:02:31,380 Okay, seventh-graders, you're leaving elementary school behind. 56 00:02:31,463 --> 00:02:33,674 -What's that now? -Just like I'm leaving behind 57 00:02:33,757 --> 00:02:35,801 a famous controversy. 58 00:02:35,885 --> 00:02:37,261 Are you Suge Knight? 59 00:02:37,386 --> 00:02:40,014 Ooh, Andrew, I'm having a light-bulb moment. 60 00:02:40,097 --> 00:02:43,642 Ooohh. Ay-yay-yai! I'm also having an idea. 61 00:02:43,726 --> 00:02:47,146 [gasps] What about going out with seventh-grade girls? 62 00:02:47,229 --> 00:02:48,898 Whoa, you're a genius! 63 00:02:48,981 --> 00:02:51,901 Nick, what about seventh-grade girls? 64 00:02:51,984 --> 00:02:53,569 -Yes! They're young. -They're nubile. 65 00:02:53,652 --> 00:02:55,321 -[Nick] They're gettable. -They're perfect! 66 00:02:55,404 --> 00:02:58,949 That's what I love about these seventh-grade girls, man. 67 00:02:59,033 --> 00:03:02,077 I get older, they stay twelve. 68 00:03:02,161 --> 00:03:03,412 [salaciously] Twelve years old. 69 00:03:03,495 --> 00:03:04,830 Oof. When you say it like that... 70 00:03:04,914 --> 00:03:06,248 What if I say it like this? 71 00:03:06,332 --> 00:03:08,375 [excitedly] Twelve years old. 72 00:03:08,459 --> 00:03:09,543 That's significantly worse. 73 00:03:09,627 --> 00:03:12,713 How about this? [child's voice] Twelve years old, daddy. 74 00:03:12,796 --> 00:03:14,882 -Waa! Waa! -Okay, I gotta get to class. 75 00:03:14,965 --> 00:03:16,967 ["Changes" by Charles Bradley playing] 76 00:03:17,259 --> 00:03:22,806 ♪ I'm going through changes ♪ 77 00:03:26,727 --> 00:03:32,650 ♪ I'm going through changes ♪ 78 00:03:32,983 --> 00:03:35,236 ♪ Oh, in my life ♪ 79 00:03:36,570 --> 00:03:40,074 ♪ Oh, ooh, ooh! ♪ 80 00:03:49,875 --> 00:03:50,709 Hey. 81 00:03:50,793 --> 00:03:54,088 Oh! Look at my grown-up city girl in her little blazer 82 00:03:54,171 --> 00:03:55,297 with her little crest! 83 00:03:55,381 --> 00:03:57,549 -Oh, I could eat you! -Mom, calm down. 84 00:03:57,633 --> 00:04:00,636 How can I? You're going to Darlington-Pierce. 85 00:04:00,719 --> 00:04:04,640 Ooh, I hear that's the school where Lena Dunham fingered her sister. 86 00:04:04,723 --> 00:04:07,101 Look at this. "Preparing young women for excellence." 87 00:04:07,184 --> 00:04:10,938 Okay, can we just lower expectations? I'm actually really nervous. 88 00:04:11,021 --> 00:04:13,565 What?! Why would you be nervous for excellence? 89 00:04:13,649 --> 00:04:15,651 I don't know. It's just a new school, I guess. 90 00:04:15,734 --> 00:04:16,610 I know! 91 00:04:16,694 --> 00:04:19,405 And you're gonna meet so many amazing young women. 92 00:04:19,488 --> 00:04:23,492 And you might get to see Alec Baldwin punch a hot dog vendor. 93 00:04:23,575 --> 00:04:28,163 New York City, the city where Alec Baldwin never sleeps. 94 00:04:28,872 --> 00:04:30,416 -[Nick] Seventh-graders. -[Andrew] Right. 95 00:04:30,499 --> 00:04:32,626 -Guess we're on the prowl now. -Uh-huh. 96 00:04:32,710 --> 00:04:35,087 Just two hunters stalking our prey. 97 00:04:35,170 --> 00:04:36,880 -Wait-- -Two sexy predators. 98 00:04:36,964 --> 00:04:39,133 -Um... -Two sexual predators. 99 00:04:39,216 --> 00:04:41,385 No, no, Andrew.  Here are the words you say: 100 00:04:41,468 --> 00:04:42,970 "We're just a couple of eighth-graders 101 00:04:43,053 --> 00:04:45,222 welcoming the seventh-grade girls to the school." 102 00:04:45,306 --> 00:04:47,891 And we shall select two to french. 103 00:04:47,975 --> 00:04:49,184 And feel up. 104 00:04:49,268 --> 00:04:51,270 And other stuff we're too shy to mention. 105 00:04:51,353 --> 00:04:55,357 Oh, Maury, it sure is good to be horny with you again. 106 00:04:55,441 --> 00:04:56,900 How's a man even to choose? 107 00:04:56,984 --> 00:04:59,194 The same way we choose everything. [hums fanfare] 108 00:04:59,278 --> 00:05:00,112 Oh, Netflix! 109 00:05:00,195 --> 00:05:02,990 [Maury] Let's see what girls are suggested for us. 110 00:05:03,073 --> 00:05:04,658 We know everyone can see us. 111 00:05:04,742 --> 00:05:06,035 And that's part of the thrill. 112 00:05:06,118 --> 00:05:08,037 Eh, nope. What's new and popular? 113 00:05:08,120 --> 00:05:10,331 I'm a normal seventh-grade girl. 114 00:05:10,414 --> 00:05:11,915 And I'm not an undercover cop. 115 00:05:11,999 --> 00:05:15,586 So you can tell me if any of the kids in your class are selling Quaaludes. 116 00:05:15,669 --> 00:05:18,130 Oh-ho, I am gonna rat out all the dealers. 117 00:05:18,213 --> 00:05:19,214 Oh, look over there! 118 00:05:19,298 --> 00:05:20,674 She's my best friend. 119 00:05:20,758 --> 00:05:22,509 And I'm a little shorter than her. 120 00:05:22,593 --> 00:05:23,427 And together... 121 00:05:23,510 --> 00:05:26,680 [both] ...we're making sustained  eye contact with you guys. 122 00:05:26,764 --> 00:05:27,931 -Yeah, we are. -Hell, yeah. 123 00:05:28,015 --> 00:05:33,437 ♪ Cafeteria Girls Life is their tray-hey-hey! ♪ 124 00:05:33,520 --> 00:05:35,397 I really like the one who's smaller than me. 125 00:05:35,481 --> 00:05:36,565 Perfect, I'll take whatever. 126 00:05:36,648 --> 00:05:37,691 -Hey, gals. -Hey. 127 00:05:37,775 --> 00:05:38,609 Hey, 'sup? 'Sup? 128 00:05:38,692 --> 00:05:40,861 Obviously this is your first time in the caf, right? 129 00:05:40,944 --> 00:05:42,988 Yeah, like first or second, I would say. 130 00:05:43,072 --> 00:05:44,823 -Well, the trash cans are by the door. -Whoa. 131 00:05:44,907 --> 00:05:48,744 And, um, a little tip. If you tell the lunch lady you're diabetic, 132 00:05:48,827 --> 00:05:50,412 she'll give you a tablespoon of raisins. 133 00:05:50,496 --> 00:05:52,122 Shut up. Oh, my God, I love raisins. 134 00:05:52,206 --> 00:05:54,333 My sick grandmother looks like a raisin. 135 00:05:54,416 --> 00:05:55,667 -She's dying, so... -Really? 136 00:05:55,751 --> 00:05:59,213 You know, I was just reading that raisins are dried grapes. 137 00:05:59,296 --> 00:06:00,339 This is Andrew. 138 00:06:00,422 --> 00:06:02,591 Andrew Kent. Yeah. 139 00:06:02,674 --> 00:06:05,761 I'm in the eighth grade, and my name is Andrew Kent. 140 00:06:05,844 --> 00:06:08,222 -That's a strong choice. -But it worked. They think I'm rich. 141 00:06:08,305 --> 00:06:09,640 -Well, I'm Izzy. -Hi. 142 00:06:09,723 --> 00:06:10,724 -And this is Misha. -Hey. 143 00:06:10,808 --> 00:06:11,725 -Hello. -So... 144 00:06:11,809 --> 00:06:13,352 Um, since we're talking raisins, 145 00:06:13,435 --> 00:06:15,479 you'll probably read A Raisin in the Sun this year. 146 00:06:15,562 --> 00:06:17,398 I could possibly give you my notes. 147 00:06:17,481 --> 00:06:20,234 Um, that's awesome, and I could read them. 148 00:06:20,317 --> 00:06:23,821 I'd give you my notes, but I've drawn some very upsetting things 149 00:06:23,904 --> 00:06:24,905 -in the margins. -Andrew! 150 00:06:24,988 --> 00:06:28,242 Imagine two things that could never have sex with each other in real life. 151 00:06:28,325 --> 00:06:29,159 My mom and dad. 152 00:06:29,243 --> 00:06:33,122 -It's a tiger and a desk. -[both] Oh, my God! 153 00:06:33,205 --> 00:06:35,666 Look at those little seventh-grade gold diggers 154 00:06:35,749 --> 00:06:38,460 trying to get that eighth-grade moolah. 155 00:06:38,544 --> 00:06:39,670 Who cares if they're younger? 156 00:06:39,753 --> 00:06:41,547 You're six months younger than me. It's no big deal. 157 00:06:41,630 --> 00:06:44,508 Jay, I was hoping this would never come up, 158 00:06:44,591 --> 00:06:47,219 but I'm actually, spoiler alert, 159 00:06:47,302 --> 00:06:49,555 -six months older than you! -What? 160 00:06:49,638 --> 00:06:53,976 I was held back in kindergarten because I did something so funny! 161 00:06:54,059 --> 00:06:55,394 -Are you serious? -Yeah. 162 00:06:55,477 --> 00:06:58,522 That's awesome, actually. What did you do? 163 00:06:58,605 --> 00:07:00,732 -Like, eat all the fish in the fish tank? -No! 164 00:07:00,816 --> 00:07:03,861 Wait! Did you accidentally bring your mom's dildo in for show and tell? 165 00:07:03,944 --> 00:07:06,196 -These sound like things you did! -Babe-- 166 00:07:06,280 --> 00:07:09,199 You probably think I'm as old as Father Time! 167 00:07:09,283 --> 00:07:12,494 Are you kidding? You're like a hot, sexy cougar. 168 00:07:12,578 --> 00:07:14,705 I don't know. I guess I really do think 169 00:07:14,788 --> 00:07:17,040 girls should be younger than their boyfriends. 170 00:07:17,124 --> 00:07:20,544 Oh, wait, did you jack off to the long-fingernails guy 171 00:07:20,627 --> 00:07:22,129 in the Guinness Book of World Records? 172 00:07:22,212 --> 00:07:24,423 Jay, I'm not gonna tell you. 173 00:07:24,506 --> 00:07:26,717 But it was hilarious. 174 00:07:27,342 --> 00:07:31,555 Oh, my God, look at everyone's bags. Those cost, like, $5,000! 175 00:07:31,638 --> 00:07:32,931 It's cool, baby, 176 00:07:33,015 --> 00:07:35,934 I went to Canal Street and got you a Tucci bag. 177 00:07:36,018 --> 00:07:38,437 It's like Gucci, but instead it's Stanley Tucci. 178 00:07:38,520 --> 00:07:40,105 I feel like people will know. 179 00:07:40,189 --> 00:07:42,858 Welcome to eighth grade, you girlbosses. 180 00:07:42,941 --> 00:07:45,986 So, what did you badasses get into this summer? Dish! 181 00:07:46,069 --> 00:07:47,362 Ooh, your teacher's cool! 182 00:07:47,446 --> 00:07:49,907 Yeah, she's got a "Pod Save America" sticker on her laptop. 183 00:07:49,990 --> 00:07:51,909 India Jessica Parker, hi. 184 00:07:51,992 --> 00:07:54,453 I honestly kept it pretty chill this summer. 185 00:07:54,536 --> 00:07:57,206 I did some light Alzheimer's research at the CDC, 186 00:07:57,289 --> 00:07:58,749 -but, like, barely. -Whoa. 187 00:07:58,832 --> 00:08:00,959 Greer Conway-Kleenex, hello. 188 00:08:01,043 --> 00:08:05,130 My foundation rescued 20 women who were going to be turned into glue. 189 00:08:05,214 --> 00:08:07,257 I also won the New York City Marathon 190 00:08:07,341 --> 00:08:09,426 competing against the adults, not the kids. 191 00:08:09,510 --> 00:08:12,012 Jesus, these girls are so impressive. 192 00:08:12,095 --> 00:08:14,097 So are you! You put in a tampon! 193 00:08:14,181 --> 00:08:16,141 We have a new young leader in our class. 194 00:08:16,225 --> 00:08:17,351 -Jessi. -Huh? 195 00:08:17,434 --> 00:08:19,686 Why don't you tell us what you accomplished this summer? 196 00:08:19,770 --> 00:08:20,604 Oh, boy. 197 00:08:20,687 --> 00:08:22,814 Hi. Um, Jessi Glaser. 198 00:08:22,898 --> 00:08:25,275 This summer I went to camp. Um... 199 00:08:25,359 --> 00:08:27,402 They don't look impressed. Tell 'em about the tampon. 200 00:08:27,486 --> 00:08:29,446 -...in Somalia. -What? 201 00:08:29,530 --> 00:08:31,114 It was a refugee camp. 202 00:08:31,198 --> 00:08:32,783 And I was there teaching gymnastics. 203 00:08:32,866 --> 00:08:34,826 Um, I do the splits. 204 00:08:34,910 --> 00:08:37,955 Wait. So, they're doing gymnastics at a refugee camp? 205 00:08:38,038 --> 00:08:40,332 That is a good question, and I thank you. 206 00:08:40,415 --> 00:08:42,125 Okay, this has been my time. 207 00:08:42,209 --> 00:08:43,502 Why'd you lie, Jessi? 208 00:08:43,585 --> 00:08:44,795 You can't do the splits. 209 00:08:44,878 --> 00:08:47,089 Your tampon would shoot out like a Nerf dart. 210 00:08:47,172 --> 00:08:48,006 Oh, God. 211 00:08:48,090 --> 00:08:51,426 -[bell rings] -All right, this is the main hall. 212 00:08:51,510 --> 00:08:52,844 -[Izzy] Wow. -Don't use that water fountain. 213 00:08:52,928 --> 00:08:56,598 -Lump deep throats the nozzle. -[slurps] I like the taste of rust. 214 00:08:56,682 --> 00:08:59,893 -[Misha chuckles] -[laughs] Okay. Um, hey, Andrew, 215 00:08:59,977 --> 00:09:01,770 can you help me open my locker? 216 00:09:01,853 --> 00:09:04,064 Just 'cause we had cubbies last year, so... 217 00:09:04,147 --> 00:09:05,983 Oh, sure, which one is this? 218 00:09:06,066 --> 00:09:07,150 Oh, locker 243. 219 00:09:07,234 --> 00:09:09,152 -Two-four-three, yeah. -She's a little tricky. 220 00:09:09,236 --> 00:09:13,156 -Wow. -You just gotta find her special spot. Ow! 221 00:09:13,240 --> 00:09:15,534 -Oh! I hit the pointy bone! -[Izzy] My God, are you okay? 222 00:09:15,617 --> 00:09:17,995 Just leave me alone, 'cause if I speak right now, I'm gonna yell at you. 223 00:09:18,078 --> 00:09:20,914 -[groans] I'm gonna barf! -Andrew, you're doing so well. 224 00:09:20,998 --> 00:09:23,709 -Do you guys have plans after school? -Um... 225 00:09:23,792 --> 00:09:26,253 I was thinking maybe we could, like, go get some coffee, or... 226 00:09:26,336 --> 00:09:28,547 [chuckles] Yeah! I mean, that sounds great, 227 00:09:28,630 --> 00:09:30,257 but we're not allowed to have coffee. 228 00:09:30,340 --> 00:09:32,801 Oh, well,  we'll get you a decaf, sweetheart. 229 00:09:32,884 --> 00:09:34,344 -Okay. -That means a decaffeinated. 230 00:09:34,428 --> 00:09:37,097 Yeah, we'll go to Starbucks, get a freezing-cold scone, 231 00:09:37,180 --> 00:09:39,141 maybe a round of Horizon milks, on us, 232 00:09:39,224 --> 00:09:41,268 and get to know each other  a little better. 233 00:09:41,351 --> 00:09:44,313 I know the code for the bathroom. I've used it before. 234 00:09:44,396 --> 00:09:45,480 If you know what I mean. 235 00:09:45,564 --> 00:09:46,607 Sounds like you pooped. 236 00:09:46,690 --> 00:09:48,984 Ah, this one's got a little head on her shoulders. 237 00:09:49,067 --> 00:09:50,277 -It's a date. -Or whatever. 238 00:09:50,360 --> 00:09:52,904 All right, ladies, see you after school. 239 00:09:52,988 --> 00:09:54,364 'Sup? I mean, bye. 240 00:09:54,448 --> 00:09:56,283 -[gasps] -[chuckles] Oh, my God. 241 00:09:56,366 --> 00:09:58,285 -Stop, stop, stop! -Eighth-grade freaking boys! 242 00:09:58,368 --> 00:09:59,578 -Shut up! -You shut up! 243 00:09:59,661 --> 00:10:02,331 -[squeals] -You cannot spaz out like you usually do. 244 00:10:02,414 --> 00:10:05,208 Hey, I'm not gonna spaz out if you promise not to sing. 245 00:10:05,292 --> 00:10:07,669 ♪ Promises are made to be broken! ♪ 246 00:10:10,422 --> 00:10:12,966 Okay, homeroom was rough, but I can do math. 247 00:10:13,050 --> 00:10:14,009 Math is my thing. 248 00:10:14,092 --> 00:10:15,927 But math is not my thing. 249 00:10:16,011 --> 00:10:17,721 My thing is different. 250 00:10:17,846 --> 00:10:18,680 What is your thing? 251 00:10:18,764 --> 00:10:20,682 -My thing is Blue Man Group! -Really? 252 00:10:20,766 --> 00:10:23,894 Yeah, they're lean and blue and sexy like Gumby. 253 00:10:23,977 --> 00:10:26,396 But it's okay, I love you, baby. I can stay for math. 254 00:10:26,480 --> 00:10:27,856 It's fine. I don't need you here. 255 00:10:27,939 --> 00:10:28,774 -Okay, bye! -If you wanna. 256 00:10:28,857 --> 00:10:30,067 And she's gone, okay. Alone. 257 00:10:30,150 --> 00:10:31,985 Okay, now can anyone tell me 258 00:10:32,069 --> 00:10:35,072 how inverse variables might lay out here on the parabola? 259 00:10:35,155 --> 00:10:37,616 -Oh, my God, they're so far ahead. -[Tito buzzing] 260 00:10:37,741 --> 00:10:39,576 This class is way too hard. 261 00:10:39,660 --> 00:10:41,036 -I know, right? -[Tito] Yeah. 262 00:10:41,119 --> 00:10:42,079 Oh, hello. 263 00:10:42,162 --> 00:10:44,331 Or maybe it's just that you're not very smart? 264 00:10:44,414 --> 00:10:46,333 Ugh! That's kinda what I've been worrying about. 265 00:10:46,416 --> 00:10:47,626 And I don't mean to pile it on, 266 00:10:47,709 --> 00:10:50,003 but have you noticed how shiny Greer's hair is? 267 00:10:50,087 --> 00:10:51,254 -[teacher] Jessi? -I have. 268 00:10:51,338 --> 00:10:53,006 -Jessi! -Hi! Yes! Present! 269 00:10:53,090 --> 00:10:55,467 So, are you familiar with Richter's theorem? 270 00:10:55,550 --> 00:10:57,636 Don't say no! They'll see how behind you are. 271 00:10:57,719 --> 00:11:00,013 [chuckles] Oh, I am intimately familiar. 272 00:11:00,097 --> 00:11:02,557 Great. Then why don't you come on up to the smartboard 273 00:11:02,641 --> 00:11:04,142 and solve this problem for us? 274 00:11:04,226 --> 00:11:06,812 Um, I'd rather tell it to you in private later. 275 00:11:06,895 --> 00:11:10,399 Okay, well, I'd rather you showed the whole class right now. 276 00:11:10,482 --> 00:11:13,318 -[students laughing] -Okay, here I go. 277 00:11:13,402 --> 00:11:16,988 You don't know Richter's theorem or how to use a smartboard. 278 00:11:17,072 --> 00:11:20,075 You're basically the Coach Steve of this school. 279 00:11:20,158 --> 00:11:24,079 Um, Mr. Doheny, I think the refugee gymnast girl is crying. 280 00:11:24,162 --> 00:11:26,873 -[Jessi sobs] I'm not crying. -If you don't know the answer, it's okay. 281 00:11:26,957 --> 00:11:30,001 I just wanna say for the record, I put in a tampon this summer. 282 00:11:30,085 --> 00:11:33,630 I know it's not, like, PC to say, but I am enjoying dating younger women. 283 00:11:33,714 --> 00:11:35,716 God, they make me feel twelve and a half again. 284 00:11:35,799 --> 00:11:37,676 I got up this morning, and I did sit-ups. 285 00:11:37,759 --> 00:11:39,386 I can't remember the last time I did that. 286 00:11:39,469 --> 00:11:41,346 -What's, uh, with the jacket? -You like it? 287 00:11:41,430 --> 00:11:42,931 -Actually, no. -The man at Goodwill said 288 00:11:43,014 --> 00:11:44,474 the color's called "boy fudge." Eh? 289 00:11:44,558 --> 00:11:46,852 He's "Professor Boyfriend" now. 290 00:11:46,935 --> 00:11:49,855 Let's just say, I grade on a curve. 291 00:11:50,147 --> 00:11:51,732 -That's the butt. -Oh, here they come! 292 00:11:52,774 --> 00:11:54,317 -Hey, guys. -Ahoy, boys. 293 00:11:54,401 --> 00:11:56,737 -Izzy, be cool. -Okay. I am. 294 00:11:56,820 --> 00:11:59,698 Ladies, I scored us this tall, sticky table. 295 00:11:59,781 --> 00:12:02,242 -There's coffee cake all over the chairs. -[Misha] Ew. 296 00:12:02,325 --> 00:12:04,911 -Oh, my God. Misha likes sticky. -Shut up. 297 00:12:04,995 --> 00:12:08,540 Uh, a cup of water and six Splendas for "Lo-Jay." 298 00:12:08,623 --> 00:12:09,750 What the fuck is this? 299 00:12:09,833 --> 00:12:11,585 I asked for light ice! 300 00:12:11,668 --> 00:12:14,421 -Ma'am, this is a free drink. -Are you joking me right now? 301 00:12:14,504 --> 00:12:17,048 Don't call me "ma'am." I'm not an old lady! 302 00:12:17,132 --> 00:12:19,509 -I wanna talk to your manager! -I am the manager. 303 00:12:19,593 --> 00:12:21,386 Well, then I wanna talk to the guy below you 304 00:12:21,470 --> 00:12:24,514 so we can commiserate about what a fucking cunt you are! 305 00:12:24,598 --> 00:12:26,016 All right. Hey, Gary, come over here. 306 00:12:26,099 --> 00:12:27,309 Would you look at this. 307 00:12:27,392 --> 00:12:29,811 Nick and Andrew and their seventh-grade snacks. 308 00:12:29,895 --> 00:12:31,730 -Yum, yum! -Jay! 309 00:12:31,813 --> 00:12:32,898 Relax, babe, 310 00:12:32,981 --> 00:12:36,401 why would I go out for Munchkins when I got a doughnut machine at home? 311 00:12:36,485 --> 00:12:39,029 Oh, my God, time to kiss the doughnuts! 312 00:12:39,112 --> 00:12:41,782 America runs on Skumpy. 313 00:12:41,865 --> 00:12:43,700 Holy snots, they're making out. 314 00:12:43,784 --> 00:12:45,160 Yeah, they are. [laughs] 315 00:12:45,243 --> 00:12:47,287 Yeah, that's what couples do in eighth grade, 316 00:12:47,370 --> 00:12:49,873 or when, you know, eighth-graders are with seventh-graders. 317 00:12:49,956 --> 00:12:51,875 As long as there's an eighth-grader present, 318 00:12:51,958 --> 00:12:54,044 -frenching is on the menu. -And this is pressure. 319 00:12:54,127 --> 00:12:56,296 I'm totally down to French kiss, Spanish fly, 320 00:12:56,379 --> 00:12:57,881 -Dutch oven, fart in your mouth. -Misha! 321 00:12:57,964 --> 00:12:59,716 -♪ Misha, slow your roll! ♪ -What? 322 00:12:59,800 --> 00:13:03,094 Well, then, perhaps we should all go to my house tomorrow after school. 323 00:13:03,178 --> 00:13:05,055 Hmm. Yes, for "office hours." 324 00:13:05,138 --> 00:13:08,225 Jesus, Professor Boyfriend, I wanna fuck you. 325 00:13:08,308 --> 00:13:11,520 No, Andrew, for a classic eighth-grade make-out party. 326 00:13:11,603 --> 00:13:14,648 We're in, and we're totally gonna win this thing, ya turds! 327 00:13:14,731 --> 00:13:16,149 Oh, my God, you wish! 328 00:13:16,233 --> 00:13:17,651 I can't wait. I'm so scared. 329 00:13:17,734 --> 00:13:19,319 We love hanging out with older kids. 330 00:13:19,402 --> 00:13:20,237 Older? 331 00:13:20,320 --> 00:13:23,156 Sweetheart, I will hold you down and spit in your mouth 332 00:13:23,240 --> 00:13:24,991 like I did to that kid in kindergarten! 333 00:13:25,075 --> 00:13:27,744 [panting] Oh, yeah? You'll spit in my pretty little mouth? 334 00:13:27,828 --> 00:13:29,079 I really like Misha. 335 00:13:29,162 --> 00:13:31,957 Wait, babe, was spitting in that kid's mouth what got you held back? 336 00:13:32,040 --> 00:13:36,002 -No, Jay, it was way funnier than that! -Ugh! 337 00:13:36,086 --> 00:13:38,755 A big pile of napkins for Steve! 338 00:13:38,839 --> 00:13:40,298 And these are decaf, right? 339 00:13:40,382 --> 00:13:42,843 'Cause I don't wanna stay up all night eating napkins. 340 00:13:44,177 --> 00:13:47,514 Oh, man, is Greer flying her dad's private jet? 341 00:13:47,597 --> 00:13:50,308 Ugh, my dad doesn't even have a private recumbent bike. 342 00:13:50,392 --> 00:13:51,977 He shares it with a guy named Ian. 343 00:13:52,060 --> 00:13:53,478 I just can't stop comparing and-- 344 00:13:53,562 --> 00:13:56,231 Despairing, I know! We should stop. 345 00:13:56,314 --> 00:13:58,817 But then we'd have to get into that homework you don't understand. 346 00:13:58,900 --> 00:13:59,901 Yeah. Maybe I'll just look 347 00:13:59,985 --> 00:14:01,236 -at one or two more. -Good call. 348 00:14:01,319 --> 00:14:04,072 Hey, guys, we're here at Starbucks with our seventh-grade honeys! 349 00:14:04,155 --> 00:14:06,408 Are you fucking kidding? "Seventh-grade honeys"? 350 00:14:06,491 --> 00:14:08,827 Looks like everyone is moving on and doing well without you. 351 00:14:08,910 --> 00:14:11,079 Jay and Lola are dating now? 352 00:14:11,162 --> 00:14:12,122 What's up, jerks? 353 00:14:12,205 --> 00:14:15,542 I'm going to an exclusive eighth-grade orgy 354 00:14:15,625 --> 00:14:16,918 with my old lady tomorrow. 355 00:14:17,002 --> 00:14:18,712 Oh, my God, don't call me old! 356 00:14:18,795 --> 00:14:20,380 And tag me in that. 357 00:14:20,463 --> 00:14:22,924 [sighs] I have nothing and nobody. 358 00:14:23,049 --> 00:14:25,927 -That's not true. You've got me. -Right, right. 359 00:14:26,011 --> 00:14:27,679 And a stress zit on your upper lip. 360 00:14:27,762 --> 00:14:30,348 Oh, shit, is everyone gonna think I have herpes now? 361 00:14:30,432 --> 00:14:31,725 Oh, my God, you might. 362 00:14:31,808 --> 00:14:34,477 And I sucked your blood. You gave me herpes. 363 00:14:34,561 --> 00:14:37,022 -What? -Now I have to call my old partners. 364 00:14:37,772 --> 00:14:39,608 Now, Nicky, you're gonna make sure 365 00:14:39,691 --> 00:14:42,652 she achieves pleasure before you do, right? 366 00:14:42,736 --> 00:14:43,570 You got it, Elliot. 367 00:14:43,653 --> 00:14:46,239 One full orgasm before you even kiss her. 368 00:14:46,323 --> 00:14:47,449 But is that even possible? 369 00:14:47,532 --> 00:14:50,952 Of course! Your father once gave me an orgasm through a window. 370 00:14:51,036 --> 00:14:52,996 I used a hair dryer and a CB radio. 371 00:14:53,079 --> 00:14:53,914 Holy shit. 372 00:14:53,997 --> 00:14:55,415 Kill the boy and fuck the parents. 373 00:14:55,498 --> 00:14:56,833 I know, but shush. 374 00:14:56,917 --> 00:14:59,085 So, tell us about this girl. 375 00:14:59,169 --> 00:15:00,086 Do you like her? 376 00:15:00,170 --> 00:15:01,087 Do you, Nicky? 377 00:15:01,171 --> 00:15:03,757 Do you love her so much you hate everyone else? 378 00:15:03,840 --> 00:15:05,175 Yeah! I mean, no. 379 00:15:05,258 --> 00:15:07,594 But yeah, Misha's... you know… 380 00:15:07,677 --> 00:15:10,388 -What is Misha again? -Shit, I don't know, short? 381 00:15:10,472 --> 00:15:13,224 But the other one sings real nice. Make my titties pop out. 382 00:15:13,308 --> 00:15:14,434 -Boop, boop. -[doorbell rings] 383 00:15:14,517 --> 00:15:17,520 -Elliot, I think we should go upstairs. -[CB static hisses] 384 00:15:17,604 --> 00:15:19,731 -[dryer blowing] -Reading you loud and clear, big mama. 385 00:15:19,814 --> 00:15:20,690 [Diane laughs] 386 00:15:21,358 --> 00:15:22,192 Hello, ladies. 387 00:15:22,275 --> 00:15:24,444 Welcome to Tongue Town. [laughs] 388 00:15:24,527 --> 00:15:26,071 Population, four. 389 00:15:26,154 --> 00:15:29,324 Oh, yeah? Well, we just moved from Titty City. 390 00:15:29,407 --> 00:15:31,076 We slid here on our own discharge. 391 00:15:31,159 --> 00:15:32,077 How did they get here? 392 00:15:32,160 --> 00:15:33,203 -Meesh! -What? 393 00:15:33,286 --> 00:15:34,871 Nick, you have a beautiful home. 394 00:15:34,955 --> 00:15:35,830 Oh, thanks so much. 395 00:15:35,914 --> 00:15:37,666 Okay, enough pleasantries. 396 00:15:37,749 --> 00:15:42,212 Why don't you follow my fat ass over to the sectional? 397 00:15:42,295 --> 00:15:43,296 Oh, my God. 398 00:15:43,380 --> 00:15:46,841 ♪ This is really happening, Lord ♪ 399 00:15:46,925 --> 00:15:48,343 -Stop. Shh! -Stop! 400 00:15:48,426 --> 00:15:50,845 They should sit close enough so the boys can high-five. 401 00:15:50,929 --> 00:15:53,598 Yeah, but back to back so they don't make eye contact 402 00:15:53,682 --> 00:15:55,308 and accidentally switch souls. 403 00:15:55,392 --> 00:15:59,187 -So Leo DiCaprio and Lukas Haas rules? -Oh, classic Pussy Posse. 404 00:15:59,270 --> 00:16:00,522 Rest in pussy, boys. 405 00:16:00,605 --> 00:16:01,731 Rest in pussy. 406 00:16:01,815 --> 00:16:05,527 I keep reading the same paragraph, and it makes less and less sense. 407 00:16:05,610 --> 00:16:07,404 -Can I point something out? -Please. 408 00:16:07,487 --> 00:16:09,823 -Everything's kinda crumbling around you. -Uh-huh. 409 00:16:09,906 --> 00:16:12,409 And you're lying to everyone, and so you're going to have to remember 410 00:16:12,492 --> 00:16:13,368 -all those lies. -Yeah. 411 00:16:13,451 --> 00:16:15,453 -That doesn't feel good, right? -[knock on door] 412 00:16:15,537 --> 00:16:16,746 Go away, Mom, I'm studying! 413 00:16:16,830 --> 00:16:18,289 [purrs] 414 00:16:18,373 --> 00:16:20,917 Hello, Jessi. 415 00:16:21,001 --> 00:16:21,918 It's been too long. 416 00:16:22,002 --> 00:16:23,169 Oh, shit. 417 00:16:23,253 --> 00:16:25,046 Kitty Beaumont Bouchet, is that you? 418 00:16:25,130 --> 00:16:27,841 Tito Taylor Thomas, as I live and breathe! 419 00:16:27,924 --> 00:16:30,301 -[both chuckle] -You guys know each other? 420 00:16:30,385 --> 00:16:32,887 Oh, we've been working together for ages. 421 00:16:32,971 --> 00:16:33,930 Remember Van Gogh? 422 00:16:34,014 --> 00:16:35,473 [in Dutch accent] I feel crazy! 423 00:16:35,557 --> 00:16:38,810 [laughing] Oh, my God. I still have his earlobe in my locket! 424 00:16:38,893 --> 00:16:42,063 Can you two please stop? I'm trying to study. 425 00:16:42,147 --> 00:16:44,733 Aw, you know what helps me study? 426 00:16:44,816 --> 00:16:45,942 Sleeping. 427 00:16:46,026 --> 00:16:47,986 -Yeah, I do feel pretty exhausted. -[purrs] 428 00:16:48,069 --> 00:16:49,904 Or even better, you could stare at the ceiling 429 00:16:49,988 --> 00:16:52,323 and replay all the embarrassing things that happened at school. 430 00:16:52,407 --> 00:16:54,826 -I'm already there. -It is so nice 431 00:16:54,909 --> 00:16:56,661 to be working together again. 432 00:16:56,745 --> 00:16:58,872 It doesn't even feel like work. We're just, you know... 433 00:16:58,955 --> 00:17:01,499 [both] Emotionally crippling  a young woman. Jinx! 434 00:17:01,583 --> 00:17:03,585 -[both laugh] -[Jessi groans] 435 00:17:04,127 --> 00:17:05,962 -[Andrew clears throat] -[laughs, clears throat] 436 00:17:06,046 --> 00:17:08,757 I was laughing before that you're blazing in that sweater 437 00:17:08,840 --> 00:17:11,051 whilst I'm sweating through this blazer. 438 00:17:11,134 --> 00:17:13,678 I'm filled with all sorts of delightful observations. 439 00:17:13,762 --> 00:17:16,931 [chuckles] Yeah. ♪ Your breath smells like tuna fish ♪ 440 00:17:17,015 --> 00:17:19,851 For your information, he just drank the water out of the can. 441 00:17:19,934 --> 00:17:22,062 That's why he's got a big cut on his tongue. 442 00:17:22,145 --> 00:17:23,813 -[squishing] -[Nick mumbles] Uh... 443 00:17:23,897 --> 00:17:26,024 Misha, what are you doing with your fingers? 444 00:17:26,107 --> 00:17:26,941 Yeah, you like that? 445 00:17:27,025 --> 00:17:28,610 -No, you do not! -I don't know if I do. 446 00:17:28,693 --> 00:17:30,862 -I can feel your cavities, you like that? -[Nick groans] 447 00:17:30,945 --> 00:17:33,656 Hey, sorry! Andrew, do you have to go to the bathroom? 448 00:17:33,740 --> 00:17:37,994 Indeed! Yes! Why don't you follow my fat ass to the powder room? 449 00:17:38,078 --> 00:17:39,162 Ladies, we'll be right back. 450 00:17:39,245 --> 00:17:40,330 Okay, better hurry up. 451 00:17:40,413 --> 00:17:42,248 The corner of this couch is looking pretty good. 452 00:17:42,332 --> 00:17:44,709 Oh, happy birthday, Mr. Sofa. 453 00:17:45,251 --> 00:17:48,963 Hey. So I'm finding Misha a little terrifying. 454 00:17:49,047 --> 00:17:51,966 Really? 'Cause I wanna be the corner  of that couch right now. 455 00:17:52,050 --> 00:17:53,426 And Izzy's kind of annoying. 456 00:17:53,510 --> 00:17:55,804 Really? I like how she sings everything. 457 00:17:55,887 --> 00:17:57,472 Ah! Should we... 458 00:17:57,931 --> 00:17:59,808 I mean, switch? 459 00:17:59,891 --> 00:18:00,850 -Fuck, yes! -Yes! 460 00:18:00,934 --> 00:18:03,520 The little one's gonna suck every drop  of tuna water out of you. 461 00:18:03,603 --> 00:18:05,563 And the tall one's gonna write a song about Nick. 462 00:18:05,647 --> 00:18:07,482 Yeah, but she's not gonna sing it. She's not a singer. 463 00:18:07,565 --> 00:18:09,234 -It's true, the voice isn't there. -Yeah. 464 00:18:09,317 --> 00:18:10,902 But her talent lies with songwriting. 465 00:18:10,985 --> 00:18:12,403 I'm okay with switching if you are. 466 00:18:12,487 --> 00:18:13,488 I think it's a great idea. 467 00:18:13,571 --> 00:18:16,241 If we're both in agreement, then I think that covers everybody. 468 00:18:16,324 --> 00:18:17,367 The motion passes! 469 00:18:17,450 --> 00:18:19,327 -And I do for real have to go. -Okay. 470 00:18:19,953 --> 00:18:22,997 What do you think, is an old baby-food jar full of olive oil 471 00:18:23,081 --> 00:18:24,541 a good gift for a make-out party? 472 00:18:24,624 --> 00:18:27,085 Honestly, yes, but I'm so not into this. 473 00:18:27,168 --> 00:18:28,670 Babe, it's gonna be fun. 474 00:18:28,753 --> 00:18:30,755 You know I want everybody to watch 475 00:18:30,839 --> 00:18:33,341 while I tongue your throat clit with my mouth dick. 476 00:18:33,424 --> 00:18:36,594 First of all, I want that on a T-shirt yesterday. 477 00:18:36,678 --> 00:18:39,305 But I just don't feel like passing the so-called day 478 00:18:39,389 --> 00:18:41,349 with those seventh-grade skanks. 479 00:18:41,432 --> 00:18:46,354 How many times do I have to tell you, it's hot that you're old! 480 00:18:46,437 --> 00:18:47,605 Stop calling me old! 481 00:18:47,689 --> 00:18:48,815 Stop being sad! 482 00:18:48,898 --> 00:18:50,316 Stop telling me how to feel! 483 00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:51,818 -Babe! Fuck! -[glass shatters] 484 00:18:51,901 --> 00:18:55,238 Why does being a hot cougar woman make you so sad? 485 00:18:55,321 --> 00:18:58,074 Because I'm older than I normally should be. 486 00:18:58,158 --> 00:19:01,911 And even though I was held back for a really funny reason, 487 00:19:01,995 --> 00:19:04,330 one that would, like, redefine comedy, 488 00:19:04,414 --> 00:19:07,500 it feels, like, bad to be the oldest in our grade! 489 00:19:07,584 --> 00:19:08,877 Oh, wow. 490 00:19:08,960 --> 00:19:11,421 I guess I had no idea you had so many feelings. 491 00:19:11,504 --> 00:19:12,714 -Yeah. -That must suck. 492 00:19:12,797 --> 00:19:13,756 Exactly. So it's like-- 493 00:19:13,840 --> 00:19:16,718 Babe, just the sound of your voice makes me horny. 494 00:19:16,801 --> 00:19:18,970 You know exactly what to say. 495 00:19:19,053 --> 00:19:21,723 Will you please tell me why you got held back? 496 00:19:21,806 --> 00:19:25,143 Yes, the time has come for ultimate hilarity. 497 00:19:25,226 --> 00:19:28,605 Okay. Oh, my God. [snorts, inhales] 498 00:19:28,730 --> 00:19:30,648 So, like, one day, at recess... 499 00:19:30,732 --> 00:19:34,027 Oh, my God, I am, like, not gonna be able to get through this. 500 00:19:34,110 --> 00:19:35,445 [laughs] 501 00:19:35,528 --> 00:19:38,615 I intentionally tripped a kid on the playground. 502 00:19:38,698 --> 00:19:40,074 Think fast, Isaac! 503 00:19:40,158 --> 00:19:41,993 And a metal spike pierced his skull 504 00:19:42,076 --> 00:19:45,163 -and went, like, deep into his brain. -[gasping] 505 00:19:45,246 --> 00:19:47,957 Jesus, babe... 506 00:19:48,041 --> 00:19:52,212 [laughing] That is so fucking hilarious! 507 00:19:52,295 --> 00:19:53,213 What an idiot! 508 00:19:53,296 --> 00:19:55,298 [laughing] I know! 509 00:19:55,381 --> 00:19:59,385 When it happened, I was like, a real record-scratch moment. 510 00:19:59,469 --> 00:20:02,472 Yeah, I bet it was. Did he fucking die? 511 00:20:02,555 --> 00:20:04,933 Honestly, if I tell you, it won't be as funny. 512 00:20:05,016 --> 00:20:07,101 Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't ruin it. 513 00:20:07,185 --> 00:20:08,853 Don't ruin this. Come here. 514 00:20:08,937 --> 00:20:09,979 [moaning] 515 00:20:10,063 --> 00:20:11,940 [hairdryer whirring] 516 00:20:12,023 --> 00:20:15,360 Breaker, breaker, one nine. We've got a southbound climax 517 00:20:15,443 --> 00:20:20,156 -right on the center divider. -[Diane] Oh, Elliot! Ten-four, good buddy! 518 00:20:20,240 --> 00:20:21,824 Just made my wife cum, over. 519 00:20:21,908 --> 00:20:24,494 [man] Copy that, Elliot. I just made it to Flagstaff. Over and out. 520 00:20:25,078 --> 00:20:26,579 Hello, Misha. Make room. 521 00:20:26,663 --> 00:20:28,373 Did you meesh me? 522 00:20:28,456 --> 00:20:30,375 -What? -Oh, look where we find ourselves. 523 00:20:30,458 --> 00:20:31,668 This feels better, doesn't it? 524 00:20:31,751 --> 00:20:33,962 What are you doing? I'm supposed to be with Andrew. 525 00:20:34,045 --> 00:20:35,421 Oh, no, no, no. It's cool. 526 00:20:35,505 --> 00:20:38,591 We realized that I should be with you, and Andrew should be with Misha. 527 00:20:38,675 --> 00:20:40,677 You see, we hated it the other way. 528 00:20:40,760 --> 00:20:42,178 Oh, you-- you-- you hated it? 529 00:20:42,262 --> 00:20:43,554 Yep, that's why we switched. 530 00:20:43,638 --> 00:20:44,764 What about what we think? 531 00:20:44,847 --> 00:20:47,809 Oh, well, I hate to do this 'cause, like, it's just kind of gauche, 532 00:20:47,892 --> 00:20:49,352 but it is our show, so... 533 00:20:49,435 --> 00:20:50,353 [chuckles] Your show? 534 00:20:50,436 --> 00:20:52,105 -Yeah, Big Mouth. -Okay. 535 00:20:52,188 --> 00:20:54,023 You guys are literally on our show. 536 00:20:54,107 --> 00:20:56,276 -What? -Uh, Cafeteria Girls. 537 00:20:56,359 --> 00:20:58,027 -♪ Cafeteria Girls ♪ -[audience cheering] 538 00:20:58,111 --> 00:21:01,698 -♪ Kissing's off the menu ♪ -[audience applauding] 539 00:21:01,781 --> 00:21:02,782 Who's cheering? 540 00:21:02,865 --> 00:21:03,783 And you know what? 541 00:21:03,866 --> 00:21:06,119 We might just be seventh-graders, Andrew Kent, 542 00:21:06,202 --> 00:21:08,413 but you, Andrew, can't make out with us. 543 00:21:08,496 --> 00:21:11,249 Well, joke's on you, sweetheart, 'cause that was a fake name. 544 00:21:11,332 --> 00:21:13,084 -I fucking lied to you. -[audience booing] 545 00:21:13,167 --> 00:21:15,128 -Now who's booing us? -Yeah, what's going on? 546 00:21:15,211 --> 00:21:16,504 Turn the lights on, Bobby! 547 00:21:16,587 --> 00:21:18,798 -[gasps] They don't have a ceiling. -That's right, bitch! 548 00:21:18,881 --> 00:21:21,634 Our show's shot in front of a live studio audience! 549 00:21:21,718 --> 00:21:23,636 -It is? -But this is my living room. 550 00:21:23,720 --> 00:21:24,595 Go get 'em, Meesh! 551 00:21:24,679 --> 00:21:26,180 [man] Orange County loves you! 552 00:21:26,264 --> 00:21:29,559 And surprise, you guys are totally gross, and everybody knows it. 553 00:21:29,642 --> 00:21:32,687 Yeah, I used to want to yum-yum on Nick's pelvic thumb-- 554 00:21:32,770 --> 00:21:34,272 -I know, fuck gremlin. -Fuck gremlin? 555 00:21:34,355 --> 00:21:37,442 But now I wanna tear out his spine and shove it up my ass. 556 00:21:37,525 --> 00:21:39,861 -[audience laughs] -I guess she's their hormone monster? 557 00:21:39,944 --> 00:21:41,154 I'm a handful! 558 00:21:41,237 --> 00:21:43,281 And yeah, we're younger, but we're learning. 559 00:21:43,364 --> 00:21:45,408 -And you know what we learned this week? -Uh... 560 00:21:45,491 --> 00:21:49,704 [both] We wanna go out with nice guys, not sloppy Joes! 561 00:21:49,787 --> 00:21:51,414 -[audience cheers] -[Nick and Andrew groan] 562 00:21:51,497 --> 00:21:53,708 My fuck blazer is ruined! 563 00:21:53,791 --> 00:21:55,209 Where did they get sloppy Joes? 564 00:21:55,293 --> 00:21:56,919 From Lunch Lady Eve, of course. 565 00:21:57,003 --> 00:22:00,131 They drawed a bow on top of my head. So... 566 00:22:00,214 --> 00:22:01,132 [man] Eve, I love you! 567 00:22:01,215 --> 00:22:02,425 I love you too! Who said that? 568 00:22:02,508 --> 00:22:03,384 Now let's go home 569 00:22:03,468 --> 00:22:06,512 and see how much of your grandma's cane we can fit up your pussy! 570 00:22:06,596 --> 00:22:08,514 -[audience laughs] -School's out, dorks! 571 00:22:09,182 --> 00:22:10,183 [Jessi sighs] 572 00:22:10,266 --> 00:22:13,311 I don't think you could handle another day at school. 573 00:22:13,394 --> 00:22:15,730 I know. But I have to try, right? 574 00:22:15,813 --> 00:22:18,024 -Do you? -Don't go in there. It's too hard! 575 00:22:18,107 --> 00:22:19,108 [Jessi exhales] 576 00:22:20,360 --> 00:22:22,403 That's the new girl, Jessi, right? 577 00:22:22,487 --> 00:22:24,322 There's no way she's gonna last. 578 00:22:24,405 --> 00:22:26,074 Jessi, what is this supposed to be? 579 00:22:26,157 --> 00:22:27,450 Um, my homework. 580 00:22:27,533 --> 00:22:30,828 Oh, really? Because it looks like you took a dump on a piece of paper 581 00:22:30,912 --> 00:22:32,121 -and turned it in. -What? 582 00:22:32,205 --> 00:22:35,208 -That's not gonna fly here. -No, I tried really hard! 583 00:22:35,291 --> 00:22:37,001 Miss Glaser, they're here for you. 584 00:22:37,085 --> 00:22:38,711 -Who's here for me? -[horn honks] 585 00:22:38,795 --> 00:22:40,838 It's the Dummy Truck for losers, Jessi. 586 00:22:40,922 --> 00:22:42,673 It's here to take you away to Dipshit Town. 587 00:22:42,757 --> 00:22:44,008 -No. -You can't lie your way 588 00:22:44,092 --> 00:22:45,426 out of this one, moron. 589 00:22:45,510 --> 00:22:46,761 [gasps, groans] 590 00:22:46,844 --> 00:22:49,305 -Fart! Whoo! -Did you just say "fart"? 591 00:22:49,389 --> 00:22:51,057 I'm really dumb! 592 00:22:51,140 --> 00:22:52,642 I don't wanna go to Dipshit Town! 593 00:22:52,725 --> 00:22:54,852 Sorry, my dude, those are the breaks! 594 00:22:54,936 --> 00:22:56,187 -Are these the brakes? -[revving] 595 00:22:56,270 --> 00:22:59,482 -Where are the brakes? -[screams] 596 00:23:00,775 --> 00:23:04,362 Okay, yeah, I'm definitely not going in there. 597 00:23:04,445 --> 00:23:07,698 Of course you're not. It's not a safe place for a dummy loser. 598 00:23:07,782 --> 00:23:09,742 Wanna walk down to Union Square 599 00:23:09,826 --> 00:23:12,578 and watch them break down a farmers market? 600 00:23:12,662 --> 00:23:13,830 No. [sighs] 601 00:23:13,913 --> 00:23:17,041 -But I will. -Good girl. [purrs] 602 00:23:17,625 --> 00:23:20,420 We literally just broke up with our eighth-grade boyfriends. 603 00:23:20,503 --> 00:23:21,337 They're... 604 00:23:21,421 --> 00:23:25,091 [both] ...so immature, it's crazy! 605 00:23:25,174 --> 00:23:26,008 [audience laughs] 606 00:23:26,092 --> 00:23:29,387 Oh, you're gonna shuck this boy's nuts out of his sack 607 00:23:29,470 --> 00:23:30,847 and eat it with cocktail sauce. 608 00:23:30,930 --> 00:23:33,808 Welcome to the yacht club, baby! [cackles] 609 00:23:33,891 --> 00:23:38,646 ♪ Cafeteria Girls A second helping of friendship ♪ 610 00:23:38,729 --> 00:23:39,814 I'm a handful! 611 00:23:40,273 --> 00:23:43,443 Wow, I'm beginning to think we're not the center of the universe. 612 00:23:43,526 --> 00:23:47,029 I guess we have to start treating girls like they're the stars of their own show. 613 00:23:47,113 --> 00:23:48,239 Yeah, but, you know, like, 614 00:23:48,322 --> 00:23:50,324 what's the target audience for Cafeteria Girls? 615 00:23:50,408 --> 00:23:51,242 I know! 616 00:23:51,325 --> 00:23:54,370 I mean, the main characters are kids, but the show is so filthy. 617 00:23:54,454 --> 00:23:56,372 It's too much. And I like dirty stuff. 618 00:23:56,456 --> 00:23:58,332 That fuck gremlin is really unpleasant. 619 00:23:58,416 --> 00:23:59,417 It's uncalled for. 620 00:23:59,500 --> 00:24:01,836 -You don't need to be gross to be funny. -You said it, Maury. 621 00:24:01,919 --> 00:24:04,422 All right, I'm gonna go have sex with poop, then eat it. 622 00:24:04,505 --> 00:24:05,465 -Sure. -Then shit it out 623 00:24:05,548 --> 00:24:07,633 -and then fuck my own ass with it. -Okay, God bless. 624 00:24:08,217 --> 00:24:13,514 Oh, should we unroll a chocolate croissant and just eat the chocolate? 625 00:24:13,598 --> 00:24:15,683 Yes. That is a perfect idea. 626 00:24:15,766 --> 00:24:17,101 Oh, skipping school. 627 00:24:17,185 --> 00:24:18,060 -What? -Bad girl. 628 00:24:18,144 --> 00:24:19,770 -No, I, um... -Relax. 629 00:24:19,854 --> 00:24:22,148 -I'm just-- -Relax, I'm skipping too. 630 00:24:22,231 --> 00:24:24,942 You learn more in the real world than you ever could in a classroom. 631 00:24:25,026 --> 00:24:26,569 Totally, yeah. That's true. 632 00:24:26,652 --> 00:24:27,862 I'm Michael Angelo, by the way. 633 00:24:27,945 --> 00:24:29,614 Like the artist, not the ninja frog. 634 00:24:29,697 --> 00:24:30,823 -You mean turtle? -[chuckles] 635 00:24:30,907 --> 00:24:33,201 Yeah. I like you. Would you let me sketch you? 636 00:24:33,284 --> 00:24:34,410 [sighs] Okay. 637 00:24:34,494 --> 00:24:35,495 Cowabung-hole! 638 00:24:35,578 --> 00:24:37,955 -No, I hate water! -[Tito] I can't swim! 639 00:24:38,039 --> 00:24:41,667 I'm riding a wave of my own discharge! 640 00:24:41,751 --> 00:24:42,585 You're back! 641 00:24:42,668 --> 00:24:44,879 Of course, this boy is hot! 642 00:24:44,962 --> 00:24:45,963 Talk to him! 643 00:24:46,047 --> 00:24:48,466 Hi! Hello, I'm Jessi. 644 00:24:48,549 --> 00:24:49,759 Why did I curtsy? 645 00:24:49,842 --> 00:24:52,178 'Cause you're getting an eyeline on that dick. 646 00:24:52,261 --> 00:24:53,763 -Wanna have a seat? -Yes, please! 647 00:24:53,846 --> 00:24:55,348 Right on his fucking face! 648 00:24:55,431 --> 00:24:57,808 Okay, where should I put my backpack? 649 00:24:57,892 --> 00:24:59,393 On my lap? On my head? 650 00:24:59,477 --> 00:25:01,812 [chuckles] Just kidding. Fuck. 651 00:25:01,896 --> 00:25:03,481 Whatever you do is perfect. 652 00:25:03,564 --> 00:25:05,024 Oooh! 653 00:25:05,107 --> 00:25:09,111 Breaker, breaker, one nine, I just came again. 654 00:25:09,195 --> 00:25:11,781 [man] Copy that, Connie, I just made it to San Diego. 655 00:25:11,864 --> 00:25:13,741 First time seeing the ocean. 656 00:25:13,824 --> 00:25:15,243 Boy, it is beautiful. 657 00:25:15,326 --> 00:25:16,536 [upbeat music playing] 658 00:25:16,619 --> 00:25:22,291 ♪ Cafeteria Girls Life is their tray-hey-hey! ♪ 659 00:25:22,375 --> 00:25:25,378 ♪ They're saving you a seat at the table ♪ 660 00:25:25,461 --> 00:25:28,589 ♪ It's all fish sticks, friends and fun ♪ 661 00:25:28,673 --> 00:25:32,009 ♪ And they're doling out laughs By the ladle ♪ 662 00:25:32,093 --> 00:25:35,596 ♪ They got your midday blues on the run ♪ 663 00:25:36,222 --> 00:25:39,308 ♪ Lunch Lady Eve will be wearing a dress ♪ 664 00:25:39,392 --> 00:25:43,396 ♪ And the fuck gremlin Will be bringing the sex ♪ 665 00:25:43,479 --> 00:25:45,314 -[gremlin] I'm a handful. -[audience laughs] 666 00:25:45,398 --> 00:25:51,612 ♪ Cafeteria Girls Life is their tray-hey-hey! ♪ 667 00:25:51,696 --> 00:25:53,698 [audience cheering] 668 00:25:57,577 --> 00:26:00,663 ♪ Ooooh ♪ 669 00:26:04,375 --> 00:26:06,294 -[man] Fathouse. -[ticking] 670 00:26:06,377 --> 00:26:08,796 [man laughs] "Good at Bizness." 671 00:26:08,879 --> 00:26:10,798 -[man] Chirp. -[kazoo plays]