1
00:00:10,677 --> 00:00:12,245
Jesus! Tyler!

2
00:00:12,345 --> 00:00:13,463
What the hell, man?

3
00:00:13,563 --> 00:00:17,592
I've been fired for working
with the Shame Wizard!

4
00:00:17,692 --> 00:00:20,345
Well, yeah. That makes perfect sense,
you screwed up.

5
00:00:20,445 --> 00:00:24,683
I know, but I really wanted to be there
when you squinched your first load.

6
00:00:24,783 --> 00:00:26,852
So hold on, wait, wait, wait.

7
00:00:26,952 --> 00:00:29,646
If you're fired, who's gonna be
my new Hormone Monster?

8
00:00:29,746 --> 00:00:31,440
Well, I'm not in charge of that.

9
00:00:31,540 --> 00:00:34,026
Your puberty's just on hold
until they figure it out.

10
00:00:34,126 --> 00:00:36,361
On hold?
- I shouldn't even be here.

11
00:00:36,461 --> 00:00:37,612
Stupid Tyler!

12
00:00:37,712 --> 00:00:39,948
They're gonna be so mad at me.
- Who's gonna be mad?

13
00:00:40,048 --> 00:00:42,826
Give your mom's big naturals
one last honk for me.

14
00:00:42,926 --> 00:00:45,278
Smell her!

15
00:00:45,378 --> 00:00:47,673
What the...?

16
00:00:48,423 --> 00:00:50,718
Whoa.

17
00:00:54,679 --> 00:00:58,504
Okay.

18
00:01:28,713 --> 00:01:29,748
Good morning, students.

19
00:01:29,848 --> 00:01:35,003
I have 87 days until I retire and move in
with my sister in Clearwater, Florida.

20
00:01:35,103 --> 00:01:35,921
[thud]

21
00:01:36,021 --> 00:01:37,839
And we thank you, Principal Baron.

22
00:01:37,939 --> 00:01:38,757
Okay,

23
00:01:38,857 --> 00:01:42,636
a lot of debauchery went down here
during the lunar eclipse.

24
00:01:42,736 --> 00:01:45,388
I mean, there was a goddamn fire in here.

25
00:01:45,488 --> 00:01:48,225
And one of you mongrels
shat right through the basketball hoop.

26
00:01:48,325 --> 00:01:50,560
[kids laughing]
- Don't laugh.

27
00:01:50,660 --> 00:01:52,687
This slam dunk dookie kid is sick!

28
00:01:52,787 --> 00:01:54,856
And by that he means
the kid is medically unwell.

29
00:01:54,956 --> 00:01:57,776
Yes, we are worried
'cause the turd kept its heat.

30
00:01:57,876 --> 00:01:59,611
Three days, it kept warm.
- [kids laughing]

31
00:01:59,711 --> 00:02:00,862
Come on, goddammit.

32
00:02:00,962 --> 00:02:03,490
I'm still seeing a lot
of smiling faces out there.

33
00:02:03,590 --> 00:02:05,117
You think this is fucking funny?

34
00:02:05,217 --> 00:02:08,203
Look, if any of you have information
about who started the fire,

35
00:02:08,303 --> 00:02:10,330
please, rat out your fellow students.

36
00:02:10,430 --> 00:02:14,167
Spill your guts like that sick dookie kid
did out on the basketball court.

37
00:02:14,267 --> 00:02:16,202
[bell rings]

38
00:02:16,302 --> 00:02:19,339
Oh, Andrew, there you are. You gotta
come over to my house after school.

39
00:02:19,439 --> 00:02:20,924
I have something crazy to show you.

40
00:02:21,024 --> 00:02:23,760
Oh my God, you found Diane Lane's
beach house on Google Maps?

41
00:02:23,860 --> 00:02:25,262
What? Who?
- Diane Lane.

42
00:02:25,362 --> 00:02:28,265
Nick, do yourself a favor and see Unfaithful.

43
00:02:28,365 --> 00:02:29,349
Yes, it's sexy,

44
00:02:29,449 --> 00:02:32,144
but it's got a real story
and it is beautifully shot.

45
00:02:32,244 --> 00:02:34,855
You see, her lover has this loft--
- Andrew, just come over.

46
00:02:34,955 --> 00:02:36,940
I'd love to,
but I don't wanna see your sister.

47
00:02:37,040 --> 00:02:39,601
It'll be so weird because of the whole...

48
00:02:39,701 --> 00:02:41,319
Yeah, it'll be fine.

49
00:02:41,419 --> 00:02:43,822
That Shame Wizard guy is gone,
remember?

50
00:02:43,922 --> 00:02:45,949
Yeah, come on, I miss Nick's house.

51
00:02:46,049 --> 00:02:48,118
They have DirecTV
and name brand cookies.

52
00:02:48,218 --> 00:02:49,828
Yeah.
- And your dad's not there.

53
00:02:49,928 --> 00:02:52,706
No, I know. My house is a nightmare.
Okay, Nick, let's do it.

54
00:02:52,806 --> 00:02:53,707
No more shame.

55
00:02:53,807 --> 00:02:57,377
And why does your dad keep a bucket
of power tools in the bathroom?

56
00:02:57,477 --> 00:02:59,504
So, how about that lunar eclipse?

57
00:02:59,604 --> 00:03:00,672
Yeah, pretty crazy.

58
00:03:00,772 --> 00:03:02,674
Something really awoke inside of me.

59
00:03:02,774 --> 00:03:03,925
Eyebrows, eyebrows.

60
00:03:04,025 --> 00:03:05,719
Um, listen, I got to go.
[sighs]

61
00:03:05,819 --> 00:03:07,345
My mom's making me do this thing.

62
00:03:07,445 --> 00:03:08,847
Well, I got a thing, too.

63
00:03:08,947 --> 00:03:11,016
It's a book about female sensuality...

64
00:03:11,116 --> 00:03:14,219
...called Ripples From the Inside Out.

65
00:03:14,319 --> 00:03:15,562
Oh, good for you.

66
00:03:15,662 --> 00:03:17,272
Yeah, it is good for me.

67
00:03:17,372 --> 00:03:20,275
And so, it turns out,
is the faucet of my bathtub.

68
00:03:20,375 --> 00:03:23,144
[sighs] Eyebrows, eyebrows.

69
00:03:23,244 --> 00:03:24,237
Hey, Matthew.

70
00:03:24,337 --> 00:03:26,198
Hello, Jay.
- [chuckles softly]

71
00:03:26,298 --> 00:03:29,075
Epic game of Smooch or Share, huh?
[chuckles softly]

72
00:03:29,175 --> 00:03:29,993
Uh-huh.

73
00:03:30,093 --> 00:03:33,246
Especially when we continued the game
later on when we were in private,

74
00:03:33,346 --> 00:03:35,373
but it was still part of the game
and not real life.

75
00:03:35,473 --> 00:03:37,918
Okay, I see you're dealing with us
making out really well.

76
00:03:38,018 --> 00:03:39,085
Is that what we did?

77
00:03:39,185 --> 00:03:42,547
Okay, I barely remember
or think about it at all all the time.

78
00:03:42,647 --> 00:03:44,549
Relax. It was a one-time thing.

79
00:03:44,649 --> 00:03:45,967
[sighs deeply] Great.

80
00:03:46,067 --> 00:03:47,802
See you at the Manhole in ten years.

81
00:03:47,902 --> 00:03:50,889
Yeah, right!
I'll see you at the Manhole in ten years!

82
00:03:50,989 --> 00:03:51,890
Oh, God.

83
00:03:51,990 --> 00:03:53,892
What? Oh. Wha...? Argh!

84
00:03:53,992 --> 00:03:55,227
Hey, Coach Steve,

85
00:03:55,327 --> 00:03:57,145
we got a few questions for you.

86
00:03:57,245 --> 00:03:58,972
You got questions? For me?

87
00:03:59,072 --> 00:04:01,816
I feel terrible,
I didn't get you anything.

88
00:04:01,916 --> 00:04:03,443
Any idea who started the fire?

89
00:04:03,543 --> 00:04:07,155
'Cause we're looking for this so-called
'Arson Person.'

90
00:04:07,255 --> 00:04:09,241
That's nothing.
That's a nothing nickname.

91
00:04:09,341 --> 00:04:12,202
Okay, then,
how about 'the Pyro Maniac'?

92
00:04:12,302 --> 00:04:13,536
That's already a goddamn word!

93
00:04:13,636 --> 00:04:17,532
You know what's not a word:
'cunther.' So...

94
00:04:17,632 --> 00:04:20,835
So this therapist
is supposed to be very cool.

95
00:04:20,935 --> 00:04:22,045
Just give her a chance.

96
00:04:22,145 --> 00:04:23,838
I don't wanna give her a chance.
- Yeah!

97
00:04:23,938 --> 00:04:26,091
You're not the boss of us, Shannon.

98
00:04:26,191 --> 00:04:28,927
Just 'cause you're taller
and you got a big-ass purse.

99
00:04:29,027 --> 00:04:31,096
I'm not gonna talk about my private life...

100
00:04:31,196 --> 00:04:33,556
...with some random person
I've never met before.

101
00:04:33,656 --> 00:04:36,893
Well, maybe you should've thought
of that before you decided to run away...

102
00:04:36,993 --> 00:04:39,062
...and shoplift and do drugs.

103
00:04:39,162 --> 00:04:41,606
She made a list?
- I could keep going.

104
00:04:41,706 --> 00:04:44,434
This cunther made a goddamn list!

105
00:04:44,534 --> 00:04:46,903
Well, if anyone needs a therapist,
it's you, Mom.

106
00:04:47,003 --> 00:04:49,114
Sweetheart, you don't have a choice.

107
00:04:49,214 --> 00:04:50,657
You're going. End of story.

108
00:04:50,757 --> 00:04:52,617
No. No, no, no.

109
00:04:52,717 --> 00:04:55,412
Hit her! Hit her while she's driving!

110
00:04:55,512 --> 00:04:58,873
Will you please stop it
with the terrible ideas?

111
00:04:58,973 --> 00:05:01,126
Oh, God, I'm so tired of both of you!

112
00:05:01,226 --> 00:05:03,086
Jessi, what the hell are you doing?

113
00:05:03,186 --> 00:05:05,588
Yeah, what you doing, Lady Bird?

114
00:05:05,688 --> 00:05:10,543
Don't leave me alone
with Shitshow Shannon!

115
00:05:10,643 --> 00:05:13,138
Well, if it isn't Andrew Glouberman.
- Hi, sweetie.

116
00:05:13,238 --> 00:05:14,973
Oh, we have missed you.

117
00:05:15,073 --> 00:05:16,099
Oh, yeah.

118
00:05:16,199 --> 00:05:18,018
Yeah, well, I got a job.

119
00:05:18,118 --> 00:05:20,895
I'm working nights at... the museum.

120
00:05:20,995 --> 00:05:23,440
Oh, the museum. That sounds real.
- [screams]...

121
00:05:23,540 --> 00:05:26,109
I mean, hi, Leah.
- Nice to see you again, Andrew.

122
00:05:26,209 --> 00:05:28,153
And to be seen by you,

123
00:05:28,253 --> 00:05:30,739
a pleasure and a blessing.

124
00:05:30,839 --> 00:05:33,616
It's always cool between us.

125
00:05:33,716 --> 00:05:36,077
Okay, well, hang loose, dude.

126
00:05:36,177 --> 00:05:37,412
Very smooth.

127
00:05:37,512 --> 00:05:39,748
Okay, we'll be upstairs.
See y'all at dinner.

128
00:05:39,848 --> 00:05:41,666
Have fun fucking, shitheads.

129
00:05:41,766 --> 00:05:45,370
[chuckles] From the twisted mind
of Judd Birch. I love it.

130
00:05:45,470 --> 00:05:47,213
[Brad sniffs] Damn!

131
00:05:47,313 --> 00:05:49,841
Look at that fine Mediterranean ass.

132
00:05:49,941 --> 00:05:51,092
[stammering] Who are you?

133
00:05:51,192 --> 00:05:53,178
I'm Brad. You're Jay, right?

134
00:05:53,278 --> 00:05:54,796
You look nice, bro.

135
00:05:54,896 --> 00:05:57,849
So fit. Mr. Perfect. You exercise?

136
00:05:57,949 --> 00:06:00,560
I mean, I jump on the trampoline
in my backyard.

137
00:06:00,660 --> 00:06:03,521
Hell yeah, you do. I bet
you have the best body in your grade.

138
00:06:03,621 --> 00:06:05,148
I don't know exact--

139
00:06:05,248 --> 00:06:07,359
Wait, what do you want, Brad?

140
00:06:07,459 --> 00:06:09,027
What do you think I want, bro?

141
00:06:09,127 --> 00:06:11,321
I'm thirsty for that olive pecker.

142
00:06:11,421 --> 00:06:15,408
Listen, as much as I'd love to dump
a full load of tzatziki in you,

143
00:06:15,508 --> 00:06:18,495
I don't know that I should.
I have a girlfriend, Suzette.

144
00:06:18,595 --> 00:06:19,788
Oh, I know that pillow.

145
00:06:19,888 --> 00:06:21,873
So does every cake-boy at GNC.

146
00:06:21,973 --> 00:06:23,792
Besides, I can keep a secret, bro.

147
00:06:23,892 --> 00:06:26,669
My lips stay shut
when I'm not sucking you off.

148
00:06:26,769 --> 00:06:27,670
Oh, wow.

149
00:06:27,770 --> 00:06:29,547
[laughs] I mean, right, okay.

150
00:06:29,647 --> 00:06:32,417
Very cool. Okay.

151
00:06:32,517 --> 00:06:34,803
Are you insane?
I'm not going in there.

152
00:06:34,903 --> 00:06:37,680
Come on, Andrew.
They put my puberty on hold.

153
00:06:37,780 --> 00:06:39,599
I know, that does sound bad.

154
00:06:39,699 --> 00:06:43,520
I need a new Hormone Monster,
and this time I want someone good.

155
00:06:43,620 --> 00:06:45,939
Yeah, but you don't even know
where this portal leads.

156
00:06:46,039 --> 00:06:47,399
It's safe, okay?

157
00:06:47,499 --> 00:06:49,859
I tied a rope to a tennis ball,
threw it in there,

158
00:06:49,959 --> 00:06:51,903
and when I pulled it back,
it was totally fine.

159
00:06:52,003 --> 00:06:54,781
This tennis ball is covered in pubes.

160
00:06:54,881 --> 00:06:56,366
Yeah, I guess that's weird.
- It is.

161
00:06:56,466 --> 00:06:59,411
Like, whose pubes are they, right?
- Just shut up and do it already, pussies.

162
00:06:59,511 --> 00:07:00,787
Jessi?
- What are you doing here?

163
00:07:00,887 --> 00:07:03,123
I came over to get away
from my stupid mom,

164
00:07:03,223 --> 00:07:06,126
but then I overheard you dweebs
talking about your portal,

165
00:07:06,226 --> 00:07:07,419
and I want in.

166
00:07:07,519 --> 00:07:08,503
You want in?

167
00:07:08,603 --> 00:07:10,338
Did you not see the ball of pubes?

168
00:07:10,438 --> 00:07:12,507
Who even cares? Life sucks ass.

169
00:07:12,607 --> 00:07:14,300
Interesting take.
- Fuck it.

170
00:07:14,400 --> 00:07:15,218
No!
- Argh!

171
00:07:15,318 --> 00:07:17,303
Oh my God, I can't believe--
- Come on, Andrew.

172
00:07:17,403 --> 00:07:18,972
Don't be a pussy!

173
00:07:19,072 --> 00:07:20,056
No, Nick, don't--

174
00:07:20,156 --> 00:07:23,017
Have you both lost your minds?
I'm not going in.

175
00:07:23,117 --> 00:07:25,261
I'm not going to do it. I'm not-- [screams]...

176
00:07:25,361 --> 00:07:27,722
...[screaming, grunts]

177
00:07:27,822 --> 00:07:30,108
Well, my chapstick broke in my pocket,

178
00:07:30,208 --> 00:07:32,360
so these jeans,
yeah, they're ruined.

179
00:07:32,460 --> 00:07:34,812
Whoa.

180
00:07:34,912 --> 00:07:37,357
[Jessi] What is this place?

181
00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:39,859
'Welcome to Human Resources.

182
00:07:39,959 --> 00:07:41,369
We manage people.'

183
00:07:41,469 --> 00:07:42,954
'Presented by Acura'?

184
00:07:43,054 --> 00:07:44,539
What does that even mean?
- Look!

185
00:07:44,639 --> 00:07:46,124
'The Department of Puberty.'

186
00:07:46,224 --> 00:07:49,169
I bet that place is chock-full
of Hormone Monsters.

187
00:07:49,269 --> 00:07:50,086
Let's go.
- Wait.

188
00:07:50,186 --> 00:07:51,588
Are we even supposed to be here?

189
00:07:51,688 --> 00:07:53,006
Just try to blend in.

190
00:07:53,106 --> 00:07:54,007
Be casual.

191
00:07:54,107 --> 00:07:55,550
Yes, be casual.

192
00:07:55,650 --> 00:07:57,969
Okay. Hang cool, everyone.

193
00:07:58,069 --> 00:07:58,970
Cowabunga.

194
00:07:59,070 --> 00:08:01,005
Be Andrew.

195
00:08:01,105 --> 00:08:04,590
[indistinct chattering]...

196
00:08:07,028 --> 00:08:08,313
...[Andrew] Oh my God.

197
00:08:08,413 --> 00:08:11,232
Hey, check it out:
Hormone Division, floor 13.

198
00:08:11,332 --> 00:08:12,150
Come on.

199
00:08:12,250 --> 00:08:13,943
How you doing, Bob?
- There you are.

200
00:08:14,043 --> 00:08:15,695
My mother-in-law's in town.
- Oof.

201
00:08:15,795 --> 00:08:17,780
Yeah. She said something so insulting.

202
00:08:17,880 --> 00:08:19,199
What'd she say?
- She goes,

203
00:08:19,299 --> 00:08:22,577
'You couldn't get a kid a boner
if you jerked him off yourself.'

204
00:08:22,677 --> 00:08:23,536
Jesus.

205
00:08:23,636 --> 00:08:25,246
Listen, she's right, but you know--...

206
00:08:25,346 --> 00:08:27,248
She say it in front of your kids?
- No, in front of me!

207
00:08:27,348 --> 00:08:28,500
That's awful.
- [elevator dings]...

208
00:08:28,600 --> 00:08:30,084
There's my floor.
- Okay, see you later.

209
00:08:30,184 --> 00:08:32,328
HORMONE
DIVISION

210
00:08:32,428 --> 00:08:35,131
Holy shit. It's Maury at work.

211
00:08:35,231 --> 00:08:37,175
Aww. He has a whole life.

212
00:08:37,275 --> 00:08:39,594
Yeah, just got my pilot's license.

213
00:08:39,694 --> 00:08:41,554
You gotta come up with me
sometime, Lorraine.

214
00:08:41,654 --> 00:08:43,765
All you need to do is bring your bikini.

215
00:08:43,865 --> 00:08:46,342
And money to pay for your trip.
- [giggles]

216
00:08:46,442 --> 00:08:48,052
What the...?

217
00:08:48,152 --> 00:08:50,146
Wow, Maury! Was that you flirting?

218
00:08:50,246 --> 00:08:51,856
Blow it out your ass, Gavin.
- [chuckles]

219
00:08:51,956 --> 00:08:53,024
Lorraine already did.

220
00:08:53,124 --> 00:08:55,026
[giggling]
- She laughs at everything.

221
00:08:55,126 --> 00:08:57,237
You wanna chew on a door jamb.
- [giggling]

222
00:08:57,337 --> 00:08:59,155
All right, well,
I gotta get back to work.

223
00:08:59,255 --> 00:09:00,406
My dick don't quit.

224
00:09:00,506 --> 00:09:03,943
I just got two 13-year-olds laid,
on a school night no less.

225
00:09:04,043 --> 00:09:06,120
I want him. That's my guy.

226
00:09:06,220 --> 00:09:08,998
He does seem confident.
New Jersey confident.

227
00:09:09,098 --> 00:09:10,792
I'm gonna find his office and talk to him.

228
00:09:10,892 --> 00:09:12,293
Wait here with-- Where did Jessi go?

229
00:09:12,393 --> 00:09:13,962
Hey, what the hell are you two doing here?

230
00:09:14,062 --> 00:09:15,755
Maury! Look, Nick made us come--

231
00:09:15,855 --> 00:09:17,882
I'm taking you home right now.
Let's go, butt-fucks.

232
00:09:17,982 --> 00:09:20,176
But we lost Jessi, she came here with us.
We can't go.

233
00:09:20,276 --> 00:09:23,555
Shit, you kids are like dogs.
I need to put you on a leash.

234
00:09:23,655 --> 00:09:26,057
[giggling]
- I am enamored with you, Lorraine.

235
00:09:26,157 --> 00:09:27,467
[giggling]...

236
00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:28,768
...[door opens]
- Tyler.

237
00:09:28,868 --> 00:09:31,354
Of course that little shit left a portal open.

238
00:09:31,454 --> 00:09:34,107
That's exactly why I need
a new Hormone Monster.

239
00:09:34,207 --> 00:09:36,234
Maybe you could introduce me
to that guy Gavin?

240
00:09:36,334 --> 00:09:38,236
You want to work with that chode?

241
00:09:38,336 --> 00:09:40,822
It doesn't matter. You don't have
the time to talk to him anyway.

242
00:09:40,922 --> 00:09:42,532
Why not?
- Humans can't stay in this world...

243
00:09:42,632 --> 00:09:43,741
...for longer than an hour.

244
00:09:43,841 --> 00:09:45,076
If you do, it'll be--

245
00:09:45,176 --> 00:09:48,580
Oh, fuck! Our dicks will age rapidly
and fall off...

246
00:09:48,680 --> 00:09:50,206
...like a bunch of rotten nectarines?

247
00:09:50,306 --> 00:09:53,042
Where do you come up with this shit?
- [softly] I don't know.

248
00:09:53,142 --> 00:09:54,586
Look, the point is, if you stay here,

249
00:09:54,686 --> 00:09:56,879
you will be developmentally
stunted forever.

250
00:09:56,979 --> 00:09:59,424
Either physically,
like child weightlifters,

251
00:09:59,524 --> 00:10:02,468
or mentally, like my dear friend's son,
Michael Jackson.

252
00:10:02,568 --> 00:10:03,720
But I want to grow up.

253
00:10:03,820 --> 00:10:06,055
I have big plans to be a regular man.

254
00:10:06,155 --> 00:10:08,016
I'm going to go find Jessi.
Stay here.

255
00:10:08,116 --> 00:10:09,684
Do not leave this office. Capiche?

256
00:10:09,784 --> 00:10:12,061
You got it, Maury.
Capiche to the max!

257
00:10:12,161 --> 00:10:14,647
I'm gonna go talk to Gavin.
- But we don't have time.

258
00:10:14,747 --> 00:10:16,524
I can't be stuck halfway through puberty.

259
00:10:16,624 --> 00:10:18,735
I don't wanna look like this
for the rest of my life.

260
00:10:18,835 --> 00:10:20,903
You mean like the assistant manager
at a bowling alley?

261
00:10:21,003 --> 00:10:22,071
That's what I look like?

262
00:10:22,171 --> 00:10:24,357
Yeah, you really do.
- [door opens, closes]...

263
00:10:24,457 --> 00:10:28,486
...[moaning] Holy shit, man!

264
00:10:28,586 --> 00:10:31,289
See? I told you I could do things
Suzette couldn't.

265
00:10:31,389 --> 00:10:33,666
I'm a dude.
I'm familiar with the equipment.

266
00:10:33,766 --> 00:10:35,668
Yeah...
- What is it, bro?

267
00:10:35,768 --> 00:10:36,669
I don't know.

268
00:10:36,769 --> 00:10:40,173
Is it a weird coincidence
that I made out with Matthew,

269
00:10:40,273 --> 00:10:41,549
and now you show up?

270
00:10:41,649 --> 00:10:43,384
I don't see the connection, man.

271
00:10:43,484 --> 00:10:45,553
I just think it's so funny to suck dick.

272
00:10:45,653 --> 00:10:46,679
Yeah, of course.

273
00:10:46,779 --> 00:10:48,181
It's hilar-- Oh my God, Suzette!

274
00:10:48,281 --> 00:10:49,390
How could you?

275
00:10:49,490 --> 00:10:51,142
And with a couch cushion?

276
00:10:51,242 --> 00:10:52,935
You basically fucked a fart, Jay.

277
00:10:53,035 --> 00:10:55,897
Suzette, I swear to God,
all he did was suck me off.

278
00:10:55,997 --> 00:10:57,723
And mostly as a joke.

279
00:10:57,823 --> 00:11:00,276
It was Logan Paul-level hilarious.

280
00:11:00,376 --> 00:11:03,813
Jay, look at you.
You're literally in a closet.

281
00:11:03,913 --> 00:11:05,406
What the hell are you doing?

282
00:11:05,506 --> 00:11:07,784
I don't know! Everybody wants me!

283
00:11:07,884 --> 00:11:10,453
I'm very confused. And hard again?

284
00:11:10,553 --> 00:11:12,497
[chuckles] Okay. Wow.

285
00:11:12,597 --> 00:11:13,790
Let me get this straight.

286
00:11:13,890 --> 00:11:18,044
While the students were engaging
in all kinds of debaucherous depravity,

287
00:11:18,144 --> 00:11:19,003
you were busy.

288
00:11:19,103 --> 00:11:20,755
Talking to the floating grandpa!

289
00:11:20,855 --> 00:11:22,632
This is the 'Shane Lizard'?

290
00:11:22,732 --> 00:11:23,549
That's right.

291
00:11:23,649 --> 00:11:26,552
And then it says here that
you rolled away on golf balls.

292
00:11:26,652 --> 00:11:28,054
Oh, it's not the first time.

293
00:11:28,154 --> 00:11:31,432
I once made it to LaGuardia on marbles.

294
00:11:31,532 --> 00:11:33,059
Okay, I've heard enough.

295
00:11:33,159 --> 00:11:35,228
Steve, we're gonna have to let you go.

296
00:11:35,328 --> 00:11:37,021
Okay, I'll see you guys tomorrow.

297
00:11:37,121 --> 00:11:38,314
No, we're firing you.

298
00:11:38,414 --> 00:11:39,816
Cool! Out of which cannon?

299
00:11:39,916 --> 00:11:41,442
Steve! You are fired.

300
00:11:41,542 --> 00:11:44,696
Yeah, I'm fired up
to meet Nick Cannon, baby.

301
00:11:44,796 --> 00:11:45,822
ONE HOUR LATER

302
00:11:45,922 --> 00:11:49,033
Okay, I think I finally understand.

303
00:11:49,133 --> 00:11:50,576
Because of what I did,

304
00:11:50,676 --> 00:11:54,497
you never want me to come back
to this school... of fish.

305
00:11:54,597 --> 00:11:55,998
Close enough! I'll take it.

306
00:11:56,098 --> 00:11:58,292
I guess these fish don't like soda!

307
00:11:58,392 --> 00:12:00,857
[laughs] More for me.

308
00:12:05,266 --> 00:12:07,084
[sighs]

309
00:12:07,184 --> 00:12:09,721
Connie, since you took over
as Jessi's number one,

310
00:12:09,821 --> 00:12:12,390
things have gone off the rails.
Okay?

311
00:12:12,490 --> 00:12:14,767
I put together a projection
of what she'll look like...

312
00:12:14,867 --> 00:12:16,894
...if she continues on her current path.

313
00:12:16,994 --> 00:12:18,062
[all gasping]...

314
00:12:18,162 --> 00:12:20,148
Oh, shit.
- Oh, no!

315
00:12:20,248 --> 00:12:23,401
Her neck tat says 'I love codeine'?

316
00:12:23,501 --> 00:12:25,945
We're doomed!
What a waste of genetic potential!

317
00:12:26,045 --> 00:12:27,280
[howling]

318
00:12:27,380 --> 00:12:29,574
It makes me want to throw my shit
against the wall!

319
00:12:29,674 --> 00:12:33,369
Well, I'm sorry. I just wanted to make
my Jess-bear feel good.

320
00:12:33,469 --> 00:12:35,621
Feeling good is not the only thing
that's important.

321
00:12:35,721 --> 00:12:37,582
We were supposed to be
the next Elizabeth Warren!

322
00:12:37,682 --> 00:12:39,792
We need to make a change.
That's why we've been working...

323
00:12:39,892 --> 00:12:41,794
...[door opens]
- ...with an outside consultant.

324
00:12:41,894 --> 00:12:42,837
Oh, no.

325
00:12:42,937 --> 00:12:44,464
[Intellect Sphinx] This is Kitty.

326
00:12:44,564 --> 00:12:46,382
She's from the Depression Division.

327
00:12:46,482 --> 00:12:48,134
Not the Depression Kitty.

328
00:12:48,234 --> 00:12:49,802
Hello, everyone.

329
00:12:49,902 --> 00:12:52,180
It's so nice to be part of the team.

330
00:12:52,280 --> 00:12:53,139
Oh, come on!

331
00:12:53,239 --> 00:12:57,593
Get your velvet Froot Loop out of my face!

332
00:12:57,693 --> 00:12:59,353
[doorknob clicks]
- Uh, sir, you can't go--...

333
00:12:59,453 --> 00:13:01,355
...[shouts] Nick!
[softly] You shouldn't be here.

334
00:13:01,455 --> 00:13:04,692
You'll turn into a child weightlifter
with veiny cock arms.

335
00:13:04,792 --> 00:13:06,194
Hold on, you're Gavin's assistant?

336
00:13:06,294 --> 00:13:08,279
Can you get me a meeting with him?

337
00:13:08,379 --> 00:13:10,239
[laughing] Yeah, right.

338
00:13:10,339 --> 00:13:12,784
A meeting with Gavin?
You're funny, Nick.

339
00:13:12,884 --> 00:13:14,911
You should do comedy.
- You got to get me in there.

340
00:13:15,011 --> 00:13:16,746
You owe me.
- Oh, man.

341
00:13:16,846 --> 00:13:18,498
Okay, I'll slip Gavin your headshot.

342
00:13:18,598 --> 00:13:20,333
[Nick] Did you take that
while I was sleeping?

343
00:13:20,433 --> 00:13:24,545
Are you mad at Ty-Ty for snapping
a picky of Nicky...

344
00:13:24,645 --> 00:13:26,506
...taking a snooze in his Underoos?

345
00:13:26,606 --> 00:13:29,291
Tyler, please just get me the meeting.

346
00:13:29,391 --> 00:13:30,843
Wow, Maury's office.

347
00:13:30,943 --> 00:13:35,047
'San Diego Bartending College,
certificate of attendance.'

348
00:13:35,147 --> 00:13:37,225
Now, what would Maury's password be?

349
00:13:37,325 --> 00:13:38,976
C-U-M, cum.

350
00:13:39,076 --> 00:13:40,645
Yeah, okay, that worked.
[gasps]...

351
00:13:40,745 --> 00:13:41,813
'Andrew Glouberman.

352
00:13:41,913 --> 00:13:43,022
Classic pervert.

353
00:13:43,122 --> 00:13:46,609
Projected profession:
manager at a bowling alley.

354
00:13:46,709 --> 00:13:48,778
First girlfriend: Missy Forman-Greenwald.'

355
00:13:48,878 --> 00:13:50,530
Yes, 'Missy Forman-Greenwald:

356
00:13:50,630 --> 00:13:52,073
burgeoning horny spaz.

357
00:13:52,173 --> 00:13:55,743
Projected profession:
Ambassador to the Moon.' [gasps]...

358
00:13:55,843 --> 00:13:58,913
'Still has a thing for Andrew Glouberman.'

359
00:13:59,013 --> 00:14:03,084
[chuckles] Well, I wonder if they'll have
bowling alleys on the Moon.

360
00:14:03,184 --> 00:14:04,535
[laughs]

361
00:14:04,635 --> 00:14:06,829
Wait, was that...?

362
00:14:06,929 --> 00:14:09,507
Hey, I can't find Jessi-- Oh, shit.

363
00:14:09,607 --> 00:14:10,758
Where the hell are they?

364
00:14:10,858 --> 00:14:12,593
These kids really are like dogs.

365
00:14:12,693 --> 00:14:14,095
[Lorraine giggling]
- Oh, Lorraine.

366
00:14:14,195 --> 00:14:17,139
I'd like to cook you up in a spoon
and mainline you.

367
00:14:17,239 --> 00:14:19,141
It's time for a new approach.

368
00:14:19,241 --> 00:14:22,728
We just want things to be... easier.
Don't we?

369
00:14:22,828 --> 00:14:23,855
Uh-huh.
- Yes.

370
00:14:23,955 --> 00:14:24,772
Yeah.

371
00:14:24,872 --> 00:14:26,232
I think so, too.

372
00:14:26,332 --> 00:14:29,402
I'd like to take over as Jessi's number one.

373
00:14:29,502 --> 00:14:30,778
What? No!

374
00:14:30,878 --> 00:14:34,115
We can't hand Jessi over
to this pouty pussy!

375
00:14:34,215 --> 00:14:36,534
Connie, you had your...
[howling] opportunity.

376
00:14:36,634 --> 00:14:37,994
Let's not be rude.

377
00:14:38,094 --> 00:14:40,738
Some of us just aren't cut out
for this type of work.

378
00:14:40,838 --> 00:14:43,291
Connie, I have a cousin in Body Odor.

379
00:14:43,391 --> 00:14:44,792
He says they're hiring.

380
00:14:44,892 --> 00:14:46,002
Oh, that's it.

381
00:14:46,102 --> 00:14:49,130
I'm gonna piss in your lasagna,
Garfield.

382
00:14:49,230 --> 00:14:50,965
[growling]
- [Jessi] Connie! Stop!

383
00:14:51,065 --> 00:14:52,717
Jessi! You can't be here!

384
00:14:52,817 --> 00:14:54,468
I-- I want to go with Kitty.

385
00:14:54,568 --> 00:14:56,470
What? No!
- [chuckles softly]

386
00:14:56,570 --> 00:14:57,555
Kitty's right.

387
00:14:57,655 --> 00:15:01,934
I am so tired of fighting and feeling bad.

388
00:15:02,034 --> 00:15:03,185
Oh, no!

389
00:15:03,285 --> 00:15:04,604
I can help you.

390
00:15:04,704 --> 00:15:07,023
No, you just make things worse.

391
00:15:07,123 --> 00:15:09,150
I've got it from here, love.

392
00:15:09,250 --> 00:15:10,902
[crying]

393
00:15:11,002 --> 00:15:15,239
Jessi, have you ever laid on your side,
facing away from the television...

394
00:15:15,339 --> 00:15:18,075
...[exhales deeply]
- ...listening to a Friends marathon?

395
00:15:18,175 --> 00:15:22,580
It's raining outside
and you're wearing double socks.

396
00:15:22,680 --> 00:15:24,415
Yeah, let's do that.

397
00:15:24,515 --> 00:15:26,951
There you go, sugar plum.

398
00:15:27,051 --> 00:15:28,044
[farting] Oh!

399
00:15:28,144 --> 00:15:30,004
I'm sorry. I'm just so comfortable.

400
00:15:30,104 --> 00:15:31,464
That's okay.

401
00:15:31,564 --> 00:15:34,875
Let go of everything.
- [Jessi snoring]

402
00:15:34,975 --> 00:15:35,801
Coach Steve?

403
00:15:35,901 --> 00:15:37,595
Jay!
- What are you doing? What is this?

404
00:15:37,695 --> 00:15:39,639
Oh, I got fired. Did you not hear?

405
00:15:39,739 --> 00:15:41,724
No.
- Yeah, I got fired big time.

406
00:15:41,824 --> 00:15:43,809
From the school?
- Yeah, from the school.

407
00:15:43,909 --> 00:15:45,603
Not from Nick Cannon, you know,

408
00:15:45,703 --> 00:15:47,855
so for all intensive porpoises,

409
00:15:47,955 --> 00:15:49,065
I'm pretty bummed.

410
00:15:49,165 --> 00:15:50,733
Fuck, that sucks.

411
00:15:50,833 --> 00:15:52,526
Yeah, it really does, man.

412
00:15:52,626 --> 00:15:54,111
[exhales] I need some advice.

413
00:15:54,211 --> 00:15:56,405
Well, hit me, kiddo! Don't hit me!

414
00:15:56,505 --> 00:15:57,823
Well, last night

415
00:15:57,923 --> 00:16:00,242
I got a blowjob from a couch cushion.

416
00:16:00,342 --> 00:16:01,619
So far, of course.

417
00:16:01,719 --> 00:16:03,329
And now I feel weird about it, because,

418
00:16:03,429 --> 00:16:05,164
well, the cushion is a dude.

419
00:16:05,264 --> 00:16:06,248
Cool!
- It is?

420
00:16:06,348 --> 00:16:07,875
I don't know. Did you like it?

421
00:16:07,975 --> 00:16:09,293
Yeah, I guess I did.

422
00:16:09,393 --> 00:16:11,963
He, like, said my name
in, like, a really cool way.

423
00:16:12,063 --> 00:16:13,122
How'd he do it?

424
00:16:13,222 --> 00:16:14,799
'Jay'
- I get it.

425
00:16:14,899 --> 00:16:17,134
I mean, for someone to know your name?
Woof.

426
00:16:17,234 --> 00:16:19,595
Yeah.
- Well, you know what I always say...

427
00:16:19,695 --> 00:16:20,763
Let's go Mets!

428
00:16:20,863 --> 00:16:21,764
That's it?

429
00:16:21,864 --> 00:16:23,057
It's just that simple?

430
00:16:23,157 --> 00:16:25,351
Even if it's not,
I can't offer you more.

431
00:16:25,451 --> 00:16:27,269
Thanks, Steve.
- Thank you, Jay.

432
00:16:27,369 --> 00:16:29,179
Thanks for being my friend.

433
00:16:29,279 --> 00:16:31,941
It's gonna be weird not to be
Coach Steve anymore.

434
00:16:32,041 --> 00:16:33,893
I guess now, I'm just...

435
00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:35,686
Coach.

436
00:16:35,786 --> 00:16:37,655
Gavin, this is Nick--

437
00:16:37,755 --> 00:16:39,532
Yeah, I know who the fuck he is.

438
00:16:39,632 --> 00:16:41,158
Nick. I've seen your cock.

439
00:16:41,258 --> 00:16:42,910
You have?
- And there's potential there.

440
00:16:43,010 --> 00:16:45,579
I'm gonna make it so big and thick,
it's gonna be a problem.

441
00:16:45,679 --> 00:16:47,623
I don't think he wants a problem cock.

442
00:16:47,723 --> 00:16:49,667
Don't speak unless you have
something to say.

443
00:16:49,767 --> 00:16:52,503
Nick, you know the kid who basted
Mary Kay Letourneau?

444
00:16:52,603 --> 00:16:53,421
Mine.

445
00:16:53,521 --> 00:16:55,506
I think Nick might be a little young
to remember--...

446
00:16:55,606 --> 00:16:56,966
Tyler!
- [thud]

447
00:16:57,066 --> 00:16:58,551
Nick, what do you want, huh?

448
00:16:58,651 --> 00:17:01,512
A thick neck? A nice high ass?
- Huh?

449
00:17:01,612 --> 00:17:03,923
You want to pistol whip a dumb nun?

450
00:17:04,023 --> 00:17:07,059
I guess I'm more focused
on just cuming for the first time.

451
00:17:07,159 --> 00:17:08,269
Jesus Christ!

452
00:17:08,369 --> 00:17:09,562
You haven't cum yet?
- No.

453
00:17:09,662 --> 00:17:11,522
Oh, man.
When I'm done with you...

454
00:17:11,622 --> 00:17:13,899
You know when a car crashes
into a fire hydrant?

455
00:17:13,999 --> 00:17:16,777
No, no, no.  You know when
they power wash a sidewalk?

456
00:17:16,877 --> 00:17:19,092
No, no, no!  You ever
get mad at your mom...

457
00:17:19,192 --> 00:17:19,947
...on Thanksgiving,

458
00:17:20,047 --> 00:17:22,199
and smash a jar of mayo against the wall?

459
00:17:22,299 --> 00:17:23,617
Goodness, not Diane!

460
00:17:23,717 --> 00:17:26,620
Tyler! I'm gonna pull that horn
out of your fucking head...

461
00:17:26,720 --> 00:17:28,539
...and finger fuck the hole.

462
00:17:28,639 --> 00:17:31,000
All right, um, this has been amazing.

463
00:17:31,100 --> 00:17:33,035
And so relaxing...

464
00:17:33,135 --> 00:17:34,253
Now, to make it official,

465
00:17:34,353 --> 00:17:37,381
I'm going to superglue your dick
to your stomach so you piss up your nose.

466
00:17:37,481 --> 00:17:40,551
[laughing] I'm kidding!

467
00:17:40,651 --> 00:17:41,969
You're so serious, Nick.

468
00:17:42,069 --> 00:17:44,263
Whoa! Relax!

469
00:17:44,363 --> 00:17:46,423
I think you're scaring him.

470
00:17:46,523 --> 00:17:48,893
Tyler, I move my heel, you die.

471
00:17:48,993 --> 00:17:51,145
All right, sweet lips,
I got your home address.

472
00:17:51,245 --> 00:17:54,264
I'll show up whenever the fuck I want.

473
00:17:54,364 --> 00:17:56,150
Oh my God, it's him.

474
00:17:56,250 --> 00:17:57,818
Stan the man!

475
00:17:57,918 --> 00:18:01,113
How were the bright lights
of Las Vegas, Nevada?

476
00:18:01,213 --> 00:18:03,657
I'm not telling you.
You'll just make me feel shitty.

477
00:18:03,757 --> 00:18:05,117
Hey, Grace!

478
00:18:05,217 --> 00:18:07,119
Are we doing a cake for Linda's birthday?

479
00:18:07,219 --> 00:18:08,788
We did it two hours ago.

480
00:18:08,888 --> 00:18:10,164
Oh, I didn't realize.

481
00:18:10,264 --> 00:18:13,417
Yeah, 'cause I didn't need you telling me
it was gonna go straight to my hips.

482
00:18:13,517 --> 00:18:15,995
I like my ass and you can kiss it.

483
00:18:16,095 --> 00:18:17,413
I wouldn't mind,

484
00:18:17,513 --> 00:18:19,932
for I am in love with you, Grace.

485
00:18:21,350 --> 00:18:22,835
Yeesh.

486
00:18:22,935 --> 00:18:25,221
This feels so nice.

487
00:18:25,321 --> 00:18:28,641
You want to drink some more
soupy ice cream?

488
00:18:28,741 --> 00:18:29,683
Mmm. Okay.

489
00:18:29,783 --> 00:18:31,635
Mmm, yeah.

490
00:18:31,735 --> 00:18:32,686
That's right.

491
00:18:32,786 --> 00:18:34,021
How 'bout another blanket?

492
00:18:34,121 --> 00:18:35,097
I should get up.

493
00:18:35,197 --> 00:18:37,525
It's kind of weird to be in bed
in the middle of the day.

494
00:18:37,625 --> 00:18:39,318
No, it's not.

495
00:18:39,418 --> 00:18:41,770
Oh, you're a little heavy.

496
00:18:41,870 --> 00:18:44,930
I can't really move.

497
00:18:45,374 --> 00:18:46,534
Hello, Andrew.

498
00:18:46,634 --> 00:18:48,369
I thought we were rid of you.

499
00:18:48,469 --> 00:18:50,579
No, you can't get rid of me.

500
00:18:50,679 --> 00:18:52,623
That's why when you saw Leah,

501
00:18:52,723 --> 00:18:54,625
you still felt like a skeevy little--

502
00:18:54,725 --> 00:18:56,877
Creep? Pervert? Masturbator?

503
00:18:56,977 --> 00:18:58,170
Yeah, I get it.

504
00:18:58,270 --> 00:19:00,247
I jerk off quite a lot.

505
00:19:00,347 --> 00:19:02,466
But why do you have to be
such an asshole?

506
00:19:02,566 --> 00:19:03,425
[chuckles softly]

507
00:19:03,525 --> 00:19:05,636
Perhaps I'm too harsh sometimes,

508
00:19:05,736 --> 00:19:08,264
but I only want you to be a better person.

509
00:19:08,364 --> 00:19:09,723
You do?
- Of course.

510
00:19:09,823 --> 00:19:12,309
I don't want you to grow up
to be one of those men...

511
00:19:12,409 --> 00:19:15,563
...who wait six months
for a customized sex doll.

512
00:19:15,663 --> 00:19:18,649
Six months?
That seems like a ridiculously long time.

513
00:19:18,749 --> 00:19:20,568
Yeah, well, they have to get the eyes right.

514
00:19:20,668 --> 00:19:22,403
That's not the point.

515
00:19:22,503 --> 00:19:23,571
Look, I get it.

516
00:19:23,671 --> 00:19:25,489
I want to be a good person too,
I do.

517
00:19:25,589 --> 00:19:26,532
I know you do.

518
00:19:26,632 --> 00:19:28,742
You see, we're not so different,
are we?

519
00:19:28,842 --> 00:19:30,536
C'mere.
- Why, what you gonna do to me?

520
00:19:30,636 --> 00:19:33,080
I'm gonna give you a hug.
- Oh.

521
00:19:33,180 --> 00:19:35,491
Because you seem like you need a friend.

522
00:19:35,591 --> 00:19:37,459
This is nice, right?
- It really is.

523
00:19:37,559 --> 00:19:38,377
There you are.

524
00:19:38,477 --> 00:19:41,130
Jesus Christ, you're the horniest kid
I've ever met.

525
00:19:41,230 --> 00:19:43,716
No! We were just-- It wasn't--
- It doesn't matter.

526
00:19:43,816 --> 00:19:45,718
We've got ten minutes to get you
out of here.

527
00:19:45,818 --> 00:19:47,711
But I do want the deets.

528
00:19:47,811 --> 00:19:49,013
Goodbye, Andrew.

529
00:19:49,113 --> 00:19:49,972
Goodbye--

530
00:19:50,072 --> 00:19:51,515
I don't think I ever got your name.

531
00:19:51,615 --> 00:19:53,434
You can call me Shane Lizard.

532
00:19:53,534 --> 00:19:54,935
That's what my friends call me.

533
00:19:55,035 --> 00:19:57,513
You're friends with Coach Steve?
- Isn't everybody?

534
00:19:57,613 --> 00:19:58,555
No.

535
00:19:58,655 --> 00:20:01,984
[grunting, moaning]

536
00:20:02,084 --> 00:20:03,944
I am drained.

537
00:20:04,044 --> 00:20:05,613
Better than Brad, right?

538
00:20:05,713 --> 00:20:06,614
Well...

539
00:20:06,714 --> 00:20:07,948
It's different.

540
00:20:08,048 --> 00:20:10,075
I kind of like it with both of you.

541
00:20:10,175 --> 00:20:11,035
That's bullshit.

542
00:20:11,135 --> 00:20:13,537
If you say you like boy pillows
and girl pillows,

543
00:20:13,637 --> 00:20:15,372
it means you really just like boy pillows.

544
00:20:15,472 --> 00:20:17,741
No, I like you so much, Suzette.

545
00:20:17,841 --> 00:20:20,044
In fact, I love you?

546
00:20:20,144 --> 00:20:22,379
Yeah, that sounds right.
I love you.

547
00:20:22,479 --> 00:20:24,757
Then prove it. Burn Brad.

548
00:20:24,857 --> 00:20:26,467
What?
- If you love me,

549
00:20:26,567 --> 00:20:29,169
you'll light him on fire
and throw him in the garbage.

550
00:20:29,269 --> 00:20:32,223
But he's a good dude!
And he's part of our couch.

551
00:20:32,323 --> 00:20:35,300
Well, what's it gonna be, Jay?
Him or me?

552
00:20:35,400 --> 00:20:36,518
You can't have both.

553
00:20:36,618 --> 00:20:37,895
Ah, fuck!

554
00:20:37,995 --> 00:20:39,897
So Gavin's pretty great, huh?

555
00:20:39,997 --> 00:20:41,941
I don't know. He's really intense.

556
00:20:42,041 --> 00:20:43,317
Can I tell you a secret?

557
00:20:43,417 --> 00:20:46,111
When you're not around,
Gavin's actually pretty mean to me.

558
00:20:46,211 --> 00:20:47,238
Look what he did.

559
00:20:47,338 --> 00:20:49,198
[Nick] Is that a lit cigarette in your butt?

560
00:20:49,298 --> 00:20:51,408
He calls it his 'ass tray.'

561
00:20:51,508 --> 00:20:52,368
My God.

562
00:20:52,468 --> 00:20:54,662
He's like the Suge Knight
of Hormone Monsters.

563
00:20:54,762 --> 00:20:56,997
Believe it or not,
I think I'd rather have you.

564
00:20:57,097 --> 00:20:58,874
Oh, Nicky, that's so nice,

565
00:20:58,974 --> 00:21:01,252
but I'm pretty sure you don't have a choice.

566
00:21:01,352 --> 00:21:02,670
[Gavin] Tyler! Get in here!

567
00:21:02,770 --> 00:21:04,588
How the fuck do I minimize Safari?

568
00:21:04,688 --> 00:21:06,131
Sorry, Nick. I got to go.

569
00:21:06,231 --> 00:21:07,967
Ow, ee, aye, oh, ewe!

570
00:21:08,067 --> 00:21:09,551
And sometimes Y!

571
00:21:09,651 --> 00:21:11,220
Nick, we're running out of time.

572
00:21:11,320 --> 00:21:14,181
We need to find Jessi now.
- But she could be anywhere.

573
00:21:14,281 --> 00:21:16,258
I think I know someone who could help.

574
00:21:16,358 --> 00:21:17,685
[Maury] Connie, there you are.

575
00:21:17,785 --> 00:21:20,145
Boys, this is Jessi's Hormone Monstress.
- Hello.

576
00:21:20,245 --> 00:21:21,438
Ms. Monstress.
- Hey.

577
00:21:21,538 --> 00:21:23,816
We have to get these kids out.
Do you know where Jessi is?

578
00:21:23,916 --> 00:21:25,192
It's too late, Maury.

579
00:21:25,292 --> 00:21:27,778
They took my boo-boo
to the Depression Ward!

580
00:21:27,878 --> 00:21:30,030
Depression Ward? Jessi's depressed?

581
00:21:30,130 --> 00:21:31,991
I knew it. Looking back, I knew it.

582
00:21:32,091 --> 00:21:34,868
Then why didn't you say anything?
- Oh, honey, it wasn't my place.

583
00:21:34,968 --> 00:21:37,955
We still have time to get her out,
but we need your help, Connie.

584
00:21:38,055 --> 00:21:40,457
Nuh-uh. I'd just make things worse.

585
00:21:40,557 --> 00:21:42,126
We can't leave Jessi here.

586
00:21:42,226 --> 00:21:45,078
What will we do?
- [Rick] Yeah...

587
00:21:45,178 --> 00:21:46,630
What are you gonna do?

588
00:21:46,730 --> 00:21:48,590
Rick! I thought you retired.

589
00:21:48,690 --> 00:21:50,551
Yeah, but this place is great.

590
00:21:50,651 --> 00:21:54,013
I get my big coffee, I do my Sudoku,
eat some cake,

591
00:21:54,113 --> 00:21:56,015
can't miss Linda's birthday, baby!

592
00:21:56,115 --> 00:21:57,933
[Nick] Okay.
- Constance, do you remember...

593
00:21:58,033 --> 00:21:59,768
...your horny swearsies?
- Rick, honey.

594
00:21:59,868 --> 00:22:03,188
I can never understand you.
- That's why they have subtitles.

595
00:22:03,288 --> 00:22:05,941
I think he's talking about
the Jizz-ocratic Oath.

596
00:22:06,041 --> 00:22:09,695
'I do solemnly swear to counsel,
develop,

597
00:22:09,795 --> 00:22:11,071
and make horny...

598
00:22:11,171 --> 00:22:14,199
...the adolescents of the tri-state area...

599
00:22:14,299 --> 00:22:15,784
...now and forever.'

600
00:22:15,884 --> 00:22:17,745
The keyword is 'always.'

601
00:22:17,845 --> 00:22:20,122
I think he means 'forever.'
- Rick, you're right!

602
00:22:20,222 --> 00:22:21,749
I sworesie!

603
00:22:21,849 --> 00:22:23,951
Now let's go help my Jessi!

604
00:22:24,051 --> 00:22:26,495
Watch this.

605
00:22:26,595 --> 00:22:28,380
Look at that,
that's awesome, baby.

606
00:22:28,480 --> 00:22:31,467
[Nick] Jessi!
- Come on, baby, stop hiding!

607
00:22:31,567 --> 00:22:34,053
[Andrew] Where are you?
- I can't see you but I can smell you.

608
00:22:34,153 --> 00:22:36,964
Oh, God, there are a billion rooms in here!

609
00:22:37,064 --> 00:22:38,807
[Connie] Jessi-bear!
- [Andrew] Where are you?

610
00:22:38,907 --> 00:22:40,017
What?

611
00:22:40,117 --> 00:22:42,144
Nick? Andrew?
- Shh.

612
00:22:42,244 --> 00:22:45,064
You belong in here, with me.

613
00:22:45,164 --> 00:22:46,357
[Jessi] Let me out!

614
00:22:46,457 --> 00:22:47,483
Wait, did you hear that?

615
00:22:47,583 --> 00:22:49,818
Someone help! I need help!

616
00:22:49,918 --> 00:22:51,653
I'm in here--
- [Andrew] It's her.

617
00:22:51,753 --> 00:22:53,864
There's no doorknob.
How do we open this thing?

618
00:22:53,964 --> 00:22:55,491
Maury, you still got that laser dick?

619
00:22:55,591 --> 00:22:57,576
You kidding me? Of course I do.
Let me see.

620
00:22:57,676 --> 00:22:59,828
Got the can opener dick,
my Cool Ranch dick,

621
00:22:59,928 --> 00:23:01,997
my dick that looks like U2's The Edge,

622
00:23:02,097 --> 00:23:03,999
my dick with a dick,
and here it is.

623
00:23:04,099 --> 00:23:05,450
I got an idea.

624
00:23:05,550 --> 00:23:07,002
Dance, pussy, dance!

625
00:23:07,102 --> 00:23:08,587
Oj! Little red dot!

626
00:23:08,687 --> 00:23:11,006
Gimme! Little red dot!

627
00:23:11,106 --> 00:23:12,958
Oh, where'd you--?
No, stop!

628
00:23:13,058 --> 00:23:15,252
[bellowing]...

629
00:23:15,352 --> 00:23:16,753
...[grunts]...

630
00:23:16,853 --> 00:23:18,680
Get back here.
- [Connie] Keep fighting, baby!

631
00:23:18,780 --> 00:23:20,132
Let go of me!

632
00:23:20,232 --> 00:23:22,434
Let her go, you kitty bitch!

633
00:23:22,534 --> 00:23:24,011
Let go!

634
00:23:24,111 --> 00:23:25,804
[yowling]

635
00:23:25,904 --> 00:23:27,898
Yeah! The men saved her!

636
00:23:27,998 --> 00:23:29,266
Ugh.

637
00:23:29,366 --> 00:23:31,476
[all screaming[

638
00:23:31,576 --> 00:23:33,570
Oh, yes, we made it!

639
00:23:33,670 --> 00:23:35,948
Goddammit, pubes everywhere.

640
00:23:36,048 --> 00:23:37,658
Am I the only one with pubes on them?

641
00:23:37,758 --> 00:23:39,159
You guys came looking for me.

642
00:23:39,259 --> 00:23:41,161
Of course we did, Jessi,
you're our friend.

643
00:23:41,261 --> 00:23:43,038
Look, we didn't realize you were depressed.

644
00:23:43,138 --> 00:23:45,040
And that's on us. But also on you.

645
00:23:45,140 --> 00:23:47,042
Honey, you should have said something.
- Andrew.

646
00:23:47,142 --> 00:23:48,669
No, it's fine.

647
00:23:48,769 --> 00:23:50,462
I do need to figure some shit out.

648
00:23:50,562 --> 00:23:53,382
Interrupting, but do I have
any pubes on my back?

649
00:23:53,482 --> 00:23:56,501
Can one of you give me ride
to train station?

650
00:23:56,601 --> 00:23:58,712
[Jessi] Mom, I'm sorry.

651
00:23:58,812 --> 00:24:00,222
You were right.
- Really?

652
00:24:00,322 --> 00:24:02,182
Wow. What am I right about?

653
00:24:02,282 --> 00:24:05,185
I do need help.
I want to talk to that therapist.

654
00:24:05,285 --> 00:24:07,771
Oh, Jessi, I'm so glad to hear that.

655
00:24:07,871 --> 00:24:10,482
[sighs] You're not a shitshow, Mom.
- Thank you.

656
00:24:10,582 --> 00:24:12,776
You're not too short-neck bitch either.
- Okay.

657
00:24:12,876 --> 00:24:15,737
And also, like, who knows if you
and Cantor Dina scissor each other.

658
00:24:15,837 --> 00:24:17,448
What's scissoring?
- You don't know?

659
00:24:17,548 --> 00:24:20,742
Scissoring, it's like what lesbians do
to, like, get their vaginas to meet.

660
00:24:20,842 --> 00:24:23,120
It was a word I wasn't familiar with--
- Like two scissors--

661
00:24:23,220 --> 00:24:26,531
You know what, sweetie,
let's save this for therapy.

662
00:24:26,631 --> 00:24:29,284
[sighs deeply] Okay, you can do this, Jay.

663
00:24:29,384 --> 00:24:30,294
[Suzette moaning]...

664
00:24:30,394 --> 00:24:32,245
What the fuck?
- Jay!

665
00:24:32,345 --> 00:24:34,631
I couldn't help it.
She was irresistible.

666
00:24:34,731 --> 00:24:37,050
She's still heavy with your musk, bro.

667
00:24:37,150 --> 00:24:40,512
And if you want Brad,
then I want him, too.

668
00:24:40,612 --> 00:24:41,680
Why don't you join us?

669
00:24:41,780 --> 00:24:43,765
We want to suck the honey
out of your baklava.

670
00:24:43,865 --> 00:24:47,594
If everybody wants me,
then they can have me!

671
00:24:47,694 --> 00:24:48,979
[Jay] Whoo!
- [Suzette moaning]...

672
00:24:49,079 --> 00:24:50,022
...[Brad] Oh, bro!

673
00:24:50,122 --> 00:24:51,598
Jay!
- [Brad] Yes, bro.

674
00:24:51,698 --> 00:24:53,558
[barking]

675
00:24:53,658 --> 00:24:55,694
Proud!

676
00:24:55,794 --> 00:24:57,854
I'm proud of Jay.

677
00:24:57,954 --> 00:25:01,942
LUNA LANES
BOWLING

678
00:25:02,042 --> 00:25:04,620
Well, hello, Ambassador
Forman-Greenwald.

679
00:25:04,720 --> 00:25:05,954
Well, well, well!

680
00:25:06,054 --> 00:25:07,998
Bowling Alley Manager Glouberman.

681
00:25:08,098 --> 00:25:10,459
I'm so glad you found out
I was still into you...

682
00:25:10,559 --> 00:25:12,377
...and completely over Nathan Fillion.

683
00:25:12,477 --> 00:25:15,839
Sir, if you need me, I'll be flinging shit
out of the window by hand,

684
00:25:15,939 --> 00:25:17,966
because that's the way we do it
here on the Moon.

685
00:25:18,066 --> 00:25:19,635
You're goddamn right, you loser.

686
00:25:19,735 --> 00:25:21,386
So, what do you think, Andrew?

687
00:25:21,486 --> 00:25:22,846
Shall we hump a lot?

688
00:25:22,946 --> 00:25:25,682
All right, my friend.
Let's grip it and rip it.

689
00:25:25,782 --> 00:25:27,768
No, no, no,
I don't want to do this now.

690
00:25:27,868 --> 00:25:30,437
But you found out Missy's still into you.
Pump your stump.

691
00:25:30,537 --> 00:25:32,397
Actually, I don't think I'm going to jerk off...

692
00:25:32,497 --> 00:25:34,358
...inches from my best friend's face tonight.

693
00:25:34,458 --> 00:25:35,400
I am better than that.

694
00:25:35,500 --> 00:25:37,736
You gonna go to the bathroom?
- In the middle of the night.

695
00:25:37,836 --> 00:25:39,729
Good call.
- I'm gonna run the water.

696
00:25:39,829 --> 00:25:42,232
Goodnight, sweet perv.

697
00:25:42,332 --> 00:25:45,817
Goodnight.

698
00:25:47,212 --> 00:25:49,289
Who's there? Tyler?

699
00:25:49,389 --> 00:25:52,826
Oh, shit. Gavin?

700
00:25:52,926 --> 00:25:56,171
Hello, my tasty little tortellini.

701
00:25:56,271 --> 00:25:58,006
Connie? What are you doing here?

702
00:25:58,106 --> 00:26:00,676
I'm your new Hormone Monster.

703
00:26:00,776 --> 00:26:03,595
What? That's not possible,
I'm a boy.

704
00:26:03,695 --> 00:26:04,680
Not for long.

705
00:26:04,780 --> 00:26:07,766
I'm here to make you a man.
- I'm listening.

706
00:26:07,866 --> 00:26:10,269
Baby, you are in very good hands.

707
00:26:10,369 --> 00:26:11,395
I am?

708
00:26:11,495 --> 00:26:13,847
Yeah. Your own.

709
00:26:13,947 --> 00:26:15,974
Oh my God, this is happening!

710
00:26:16,074 --> 00:26:18,777
Not how I Imagined it
or even wanted it at all, but...

711
00:26:18,877 --> 00:26:20,779
Oh, this feels really good.

712
00:26:20,879 --> 00:26:22,614
That's right, sweet lips.

713
00:26:22,714 --> 00:26:25,951
You're gonna be president of cum-edy!

714
00:26:26,051 --> 00:26:28,051
[groaning]

715
00:27:12,130 --> 00:27:15,467
SDH created by: Arvind Vishwakarma