20 YEARS AGO
STAR CINEMA TRUMAN SHOW
Oh, I think we're early.
Yeah, the movie phone guy said,
'You've selected The Truman Show, 9:00 p.m.'
I love that guy. - Hey, since we have a second,
I was wondering if you would like to smoke some marijuana.
You know, I would.
I am pressing one for the chronic.
Ho, ho-ho! You're the movie phone guy calling the movie phone guy.
Yes. - Sounds like you've already smoked.
Maybe just a little bit.
[inhales, coughs]
Sorry, weed is just really bad at this point in time.
Am I high, or is Jim Carrey not funny in this movie?
[both chuckling]
Wow, imagine finding out everything in your life was fake,
and you were just a character on some TV show.
That would be rough.
You're real, right, Shannon? - I'm real, Greg.
That's good, 'cause I think I maybe love you.
I think I maybe love you, too.
Jesus, Greg! - What?
How many goddamn times do I have to ask you...
...not to forget your Eggo waffles in the toaster!
Oh, please, Shannon.
I left those in there three days ago.
Maybe you would've noticed if you ever came up for air...
...from Cantor Dina's ass!
Just pick one of your dad's CDs to drown out their squabbling.
Phish? Grateful Dead? Widespread Panic?
What is this crap? - They're jam bands, sweetie.
They were created by Big Nitrus to sell canisters in parking lots.
Whoa! Is this-- - Ganja?
The Devil's Lettuce? - What?
Sticky Icky? Daddy Boom-balatti? - That's not--...
Turtle. - Turtle?
Hot Snookum. - Really?
Goat Cheese Omelette. - I got it.
Snoop's Bunion! - Stop!
[bell rings]
TODAY'S LUNCH: GOAT CHEESE OMELET
Andrew! Where do you think you're going?
Uh... home? - Oh my God! What the hell?
My dad wants me to help him throw out old Newsweek 's.
You're not going anywhere without giving me a kiss goodbye.
Now that you're my boyfriend,
there are like, rules.
Wait, I'm your boyfriend? Since when?
Hello? Since we Frenched twice already.
And her tongue was slick and meaty, like a fresh trout.
I do like a nice flakey fish. - Who doesn't?
[coughs] When did you start smoking?
Around when you started dating this chick. I don't think the two are connected.
I could quit anytime.
Um, maybe we could go someplace a little more private to kiss,
like I don't know, that abandoned Wendy's down the street?
No, I want to do it right here with everyone watching,
you clump of shower drain hair.
[Shame Wizard laughing]
This young woman truly appreciates that you're a human refuse.
You should be treated as such.
That's some twisted shit, dude.
Indeed. Do you care for a drink? - I'm good. The smokes are plenty.
But you're way more fun when you drink.
Really? Is that what people are saying?
Come on, Maurice. Just a quick nip.
Nip? [chuckles] All right.
Gachi-machi. Andrew, let's do it.
Let's French this blonde meatball.
Yeah.
Oh, wow. - Andrew and Lola?
This is how I felt when I saw my pediatrician at Lids.
I couldn't believe it was happening right in front of me.
Who cares? My boy's getting it. - Ooh!
Take it, Andrew! Get it and then take it.
Oh, no. That's not good. They're brother-sister.
No, they aren't. - Then why are they kissing?
Well, they're-- Because they're not brother and sister.
What? - Wait, what?
That was like, stupid romantic.
Now hold my book bag. I need to go piss.
I had two Barq's root beer at lunch. - Okay.
Meet me outside. You're walking me home!
[grunts] - So, bud, how's it going?
Oh, things are going well.
Lola... You know Lola, right?
I do indeed.
She says that I'm her boyfriend.
Oh, wow, that's really-- - It's terrible, Nick!
Good, yeah. It's really a nightmare to watch.
Yeah, it's not that great to live either. - I can only imagine.
I have to break up with her, or kill her. Or fake my own death.
Maybe join the army.
There's not a war on, is there? Like, other than the three wars.
No. Break up with her. - You really should,
because right now, you are Lola's boyfriend.
Stop it. - I'm standing here...
...with Lola's... - Stop it. Please stop saying that.
...boyfriend. - I have a name!
Okay, bye, LBW. - LBW?
What's the W for? - Lola's Boyfriend...
Wow. [laughs]
Wow, indeed.
Dude, Andrew and Lola is like...
...woof. - Yeah, totally. Woof to the max.
Uh... should we just make a left here now?
Why? - I just don't have to talk to Gena.
It's still so awkward. - Yeah, I know.
Everything is super weird right now. - I know.
You know, we're going through changes. - Exactly.
It just feels almost as if we could try drugs for the first time,
and it wouldn't even be a big deal. - What?
What? - Did you just say we should try drugs?
I didn't say that. - I think you just--...
I feel weird that you're saying it. - I'm super confused.
Look what I found in my dad's stash. - Gummy Bears?
It's weed. They're edibles.
Edibles? Jesse... - Yes?
Are you suggesting... - Maybe?
I mean, are we those kids? - [scoffs]
Look, Barack Obama smoked weed.
He was our best president, and his wife is perfect.
God, don't you miss them?
Every day. Their daughters, that dog...
Right. - Hold on, are you peer pressuring me?
No, of course not!
If you want to have a little dick and do little dick boys' stuff...
No! I want to be a big dick boy. - All right.
Hmm. I think I can kind of taste the weed.
You know, I don't mind it,
'cause I got a big dick! - What?
Biddy-bee! Big dick boy! - Argh!
Smoke chronic, big dick! - What voice is that?
Biddy-bee smoke weed-ee-weed. - This might've been a mistake.
Like, welcome to my condo, Andrew.
What a lovely home. Is your TV fake?
Yeah, my mom staged the place to be sold,
so like everything is, like, not as it seems.
Oh, I love this condominium.
It simply reeks of shame.
I think it's all the Aerosmith Glade plugins.
[hissing, shouting]
This whole thing is giving me a fucking migraine.
I have something for that.
KLO-LOLA-PIN 20 mg...
Okay. - Look!
That's when my mom took me and Devin to see Mow Mow,
the barren koala. - Wait, what?
[Lola] It was on a baseball field. It was awesome.
Huh. It looks like you're cut out of the frame.
I know. My mom is so funny.
This one time,
she always joke said she wishes I was Devin.
Yeah, my dad always jokes that I was somehow responsible...
...for Charlie Sheen leaving Two and a Half Men.
Oh my God. We're like the same.
Ha-ha. Yeah! I need to end this before it goes any further, right?
Yeah, good call.
So, Lola, I was thinking that maybe we should--
That maybe we should rub fronts?
Oi va-voy.
Hold on. Does he wanna dry hump?
Oh, God. - You can't pass up the opportunity...
...to grind your dick against a rough denim pant.
But wasn't I about to break up with her? - Yeah, right.
Let's stay focused. - Need a little pick-me-up, friend?
LOLAINE
Wait, is that coke? No, get that shit out of here,
Unless you're gonna throw it out,
then I'll just... [sniffs] stick it up my nose for safe-keeping.
[sniffs]
Hey, Humpty Dumpty, last one to rub my front is a rotten egg,
you, rotten egg. - Oh, God.
That actually sounds kind of nice.
Spread 'em, so we can Lego our legs.
Yeah! Lego her Eggo, you rotten egg!
Okay, easy. Okay...
...[Maury] Hmm! Yummy! - [Shadow Wizard evil laughter]
I don't think I feel anything.
Yeah, me neither.
I will say your elbows are hilarious. - Yeah, elbows.
I guess they're the knees of the arms, you know what I mean?
If the elbows are the knees of the arms,
then are the knuckles the knees of the finger?
Finger-knees. - Finger...
Are we high? - I don't know.
I mean, I do feel very good right now,
and I can see why my dad is addicted to this.
Am I allowed to laugh at that, too? - Yes, it's really funny.
Oh my God. - We are so funny right now.
Whoa, whoa!
Look at my finger-knees move. - Whoa!
I'm literally not doing this.
It's so crazy. - My fingers are moving, and...
...[Nick] Whoa! - [Jesse] Whoa!
That's crazy. - [Nick] So crazy.
[Jesse] Wait, did you hear me say that?
Because I did not say it out loud.
[Nick] Yeah, I can totally hear you.
Jesse, are we speaking telepathically?
[Jesse] Yeah, we are. This is nuts!
I'm saying things back with my mind!
Me too, but my mouth isn't moving at all.
No, mine's not moving either!
This is the craziest thing humanity has ever seen.
[both panting]
This feels real good, but it's real wrong, right?
We gotta get the fuck out of here.
But, Maurice, the party's just getting started.
Lola, I can't help but think-- Oh my God.
Okay, but after this, no more.
Of course!
It's actually very freeing to know that this is the last time.
[both moaning]...
...[sniffing]...
...[groans] - Aah!
[hissing]...
...[moans, grunts]
A little more. A little bit more.
[exhales deeply]
Oh my God, Andrew.
Is there supposed to be that much?
But in the same token, I'm very flattered.
I'm so sorry. I normally don't--...
...[groaning] A bit of an after-shock. Sorry.
We should totally cuddle...
...after I get a string cheese from the garage.
[Shame Wizard laughs]
Poor Andrew. You can't very well break up with her now.
Oh, shit. I can't?
You're not the sort of boy who rubs fronts with the world's saddest girl...
...and leaves right after, are you?
No, I guess I'm not.
Let's go for a string cheese. You lost a lot of protein, brother.
Finger-knees!
I went on a vacation to the finger-knees!
You were the right person to get high with.
Stop laughing at me. - [laughing]
Stop it!
Um... Okay? - I'm hungry and my teeth are too hard.
Okay, no worries.
Peace and love. We're all good. Wait, look! Across the street.
It's Missy's house. She'll feed us, man.
Yeah, Missy's good. She's peace and love.
She's totally peace and love. Everything's fine.
Missy peace and love. - Just keep it together, dude.
[door bell rings]
Jesse? Nick? Could it be? A drop by playdate?
What a nice surprise!
Hello, friends of Missy.
I am Embarrassing Robot Dad.
What? - Dad!
That's too funny! Oh my God, this is already going great.
What's this guy's fucking deal? Is he fucking with us?
Nick, chill out. - Fuck this guy. He fucking knows.
Whoa!
I've never noticed how cool your house is before, Missy.
Uh, yeah.
Monica, what is this hypnotic music that's like giving me life right now?
I don't like it. - It's Northern African tribal music,
and Nick, you'll find this funny,
the band's actually called Steely Sudan.
Ha-ha, yeah. Oh, ha-ha.
Is that how I laugh? I forget.
I think I need to get some food into my system.
Oh, good! We were just about to do an Ezekiel bread rising.
And we have room temp carrot juice, so hope your appetite's up.
Oh my God, that is exactly what I was craving.
I guess my real question is,
can you hear the beat? - What?
Can anyone hear the beat? - Oh my God!
Can you hear the beat?
I saw your penis. - Gena?
Tiny penis. - What?
I saw your penis. Tiny penis! - [Nick] Oh my God.
Bonjour, little dick boy.
Life is meaningless, and you are all alone.
What? - [man 1] Alone.
I am? - [man 1] Forever.
Alone.
[Jesse] Can you... - [Missy] Stop saying that!
Can you, Missy, hear the beat? - I can hear it!
If I can just get everyone's attention, I'd love to make a toast.
You have a really cool house, but it's freaking me out,
and I need to be alone right fucking now.
Oh! Thank God. What?
Alone Zone? Oh no.
Thank you for lending me these pants?
It's like I basically own you now.
Hey, man, we gotta get out of here. I feel like I've been awake for a month.
Lola, this has been wonderful,
but I actually have to get home for dinner.
Well, I have dinner plans too, Mr. Popular.
I'm dying solo on a margarita fettuccine Lean Cuisine I thawed in the sink,
because my microwave is broken.
So you're just gonna leave her here all alone...
...while you waltz off in her pants,
because you defiled yours?
Oh God, he's right.
Lola, do you want to come over to my house for dinner?
What? Are you joking me?
Who would want that?
No, but like, I definitely will.
Hello? Is anybody here?
I'm here.
What? Who are you? - I'm you...
...in the future.
Wait, what's future me doing in the Alone Zone?
You live here. - What?
So come on in or shake your booty,
'cause this is your fabulous life.
Whoa! This place is baller.
What do I do in the future?
You're a TV personality, Nick. Star, of course...
Whoa! - ...and you have your own show on Nitflax.
It's a cartoon about how you rocked as a kid.
Do I like it? - You don't mind it,
although you'd like to do more dramatic roles.
How come? - I don't know.
It's a pure ego thing.
So I'm happy, right?
Nick, you make more money than you could ever use,
and you feel alone every single day.
So do I have a wife or kids?
[chuckles] No way, Nick. Those things have needs,
and you're allergic to that.
You'll always have the company of your best friend and robot Butler,
Andrew 3000.
I cleaned your bidet, Mr. Star.
If I am unneeded I will go to my jack off cubby and jack off.
See you later, simulated best friend.
Correction: Only friend.
Goodbye, Nick.
Nick...
Nick! Earth to Nick!
Dude, are you all right?
You farted, and then you said we were at war.
Oh, yeah. I just gotta...
I think I'm just gonna get the fuck out of here.
What? - Nick, come back!
We were having so much fun! - Oh, no.
That little dude is going tweakie-deekie!
What's wrong with Nick? - Don't tell her! She's a snitch!
Okay, Missy, you seriously have to promise not to say anything...
Of course. - ...to anyone.
I'd be proud to be your confidant.
[deep exhales]
Nick and I ate some weed gummies, and got so high,
and now he's freaking out, and I don't know what to do.
Ozari! You guys did marijuana?
Don't you know what that will do to your developing brains?
You're probably never gonna be able to remember anything again.
Do you know who I am right now? God, I'm freaking out.
Am I getting a contact high? Are we going to jail?
[groans] I cannot deal with this nerd.
I'm gonna lie down and watch the Great British Bake Off.
They're so nice to each other.
Missy, can you please just help me find Nick?
Fine. But then you're going straight to rehab.
Okay, yeah, right.
I'm gonna find a way to snitch you out. - What?
[panting] - Is that... Oh, shit.
Nick. Hey!
I was just trying out that new Uber bicycle app,
and Lola is one of their drivers.
Oh my God. He's lying.
He blammo'd in his pants...
...and now we're both literally starving.
Me, too. We're all starving...
...for human connection. - What?
Andrew, listen to me. You gotta hold onto Lola.
If you don't, you're gonna meet your future self...
...and he's gonna remind you of Bill Maher. - What?
[dog barking] - [panting]...
...[dog] Nick! - What? Who said that? Who's there?
[dog] Over here, man. Behind the gate.
Hey, Nick.
You're Jay's Pitbull Featuring Ludacris, and you can talk.
You don't look so good. Everything okay?
No, I'm worried that I'm gonna die alone.
Hey, Brother. I get it.
There was this beagle who lived next door at the Goldbergs.
We really hit it off.
She was super funny, kind eyes.
That's really nice.
So I wanted to, you know, jack hammer her so hard,
Oh.
My back paws sliding across the kitchen floor.
Sure. - But she wasn't in heat,
so I kind of bailed on her. - Oh really?
And then Jay's brother pegged her in the eye with a slingshot.
And... she died. - Oh my God.
Yeah, man. Real connection is rare...
...like a white shit.
Whoa! You are such a wise dog.
Thanks, man.
I like you, too. - Nick, what the hell?
We should hang out more. - Featuring Ludacris will shred your balls.
Just ask my neighbor, Darren. His sack looks like a park basketball net.
[laughs] What an idiot. - There you are!
We've been looking all over for you. - What are you guys doing here?
Nick and Jesse got high on marijuana drug candy,
and Nick is freaking out and Jesse feels super guilty.
[Jesse] Missy! - I'm also disappointed...
'cause I thought there was stopping by for an impromptu playdate,
but they weren't. - Told you not to say anything!
Oh shit, you guys are stoned?
Oh! I haven't smoked pot since the third grade.
It was fucking with my libido. I couldn't get hard...
...enough. - Ugh!
Ugh! I think I need some food.
Hey, isn't there that off-brand ice cream place right around the corner?
Ooh, Basket Roberts!
If you guys take me to ice cream, I will give blowjobs to everyone.
All right, let's do this. - Jay!
What? A blowjob's a blowjob. Don't be gay.
[door opens]
You're late!
I had to throw out those Newsweek 's myself!
Andrew, who's this?
Mom, Dad, set an extra place.
This is my friend, Lola.
I'm your girlfriend, you putz!
You be respectful, you putz!
He is a putz, isn't he? - Um, yeah.
Andrew, why are you wearing Lola's sweatpants?
Um... because it's the new thing. - I don't like new things!
I stopped liking new things at Who Wants to be a Millionaire.
Oh my God. I totally want to be a millionaire.
No kidding! Me, too!
Andrew, me and your dad are total twinsies.
This is unbelievable. Who are you?
It's crazy, 'cause me and my dad are like basically mortal enemies.
You know who my mortal enemy is?
Ashton Kutcher! - Jesus Christ.
He thought he could replace Charlie Sheen.
Please! Where's that show now?
Off the air!
And this one couldn't be happier about it.
I had nothing to do with it!
Oh, please! You love Kutcher.
Walk me through how I did that.
All I'm saying is that sorbet is bullshit, okay?
Missy, is that Gena?
Yes? - It's not some weird bird statue, right?
Wow, you're really high. - Should I go talk to her?
A hundred percent no. - Okay, wish me luck.
Hey, Gena. - Hey, Nick. What are you doing here?
I thought I wanted ice cream, but now I see you...
...and I think I think I want to say, like, I'm sorry?
I'm listening. - We had this great connection,
and then I was like, 'Do you like me?
And if not, can't be friends. I'm Nick.'
That's actually a really good impression of yourself.
Thanks. I've been working on it a lot. - [giggling]
Nick seems okay now.
I'm glad he decided to be okay as soon as he saw Gena.
[growls] Take two boobs and call me in the morning.
I don't know if the Surgeon General would agree with that.
Hey, Gena? Do you ever, like...
Do you ever feel like, really alone?
Uh... Sure, Nick.
Yeah, sometimes. Are you okay?
Why am I even asking? I mean, you have DeVon, so...
Actually, I don't. - What?
We broke up.
You did? - Yeah.
'Cause I think he still likes Devin.
It's a call back to my voice. - Yeah, it was.
You're so funny, and you have such kind eyes.
You're like a white shit.
Excuse me? - Oh, nothing.
Can we please just be friends again?
Yeah, I'd like that. - Great.
So anyway, I think I'm almost for sure having a heart attack right now...
...and I'm going to sprint to the hospital. - Bye!
Yeah, I'll have two scoops of that white shit he was talking about.
[chuckles] It's good.
It's a family recipe. Cream of onion.
It's saltless, 'cause I hate salt.
I think it's an overrated spice. - Ew, me too.
It tastes like the sea, and it's in everything!
[sighs]
Hi there, my little Drew-Drew-train.
It's me, Mo-la.
Oh! What the fuck is happening? - Remember when we, like,
rubbed fronts earlier today, baby?
Oh, no...
Wake up, Maurice. - [snoring]
Andrew wants another kiss,
and he can't do that without his beloved Hormone Monster.
[Shadow Wizard grunts] - [gasps]
What the hell is going on?
I believe Andrew's in love.
How about to make your own soup for Mo-la?
A little cream of undies? It's a family recipe.
Jesus, Andrew. Look at us.
We're both in Lola's sweatpants.
I'm drugged up, you're about to fuck your dad.
We've hit rock bottom, brother. - He's right.
This here, this right here...
This has to end now.
Lola, I need to talk to you outside. - Uh-oh!
You wanna get your little butt grabbed again?
No offense, but your son's a total perv.
[door opens] - Tell me about it!
I don't know what she sees in him.
EMERGENCY ROOM...
Oh! Oh my God. - Oh! I know you.
I held you when you were a baby.
I'm sorry sir, but I don't think that's true.
[screams]
Oh, Judd. Jesus!
What are you doing here? What happened your hand?
I was training a battalion of raccoons,
and I pushed them a little too hard. What are you doing here, numb-nuts?
I ate a weed gummy with Jesse, and I think I'm having a heart attack.
You're not having a heart attack. You're just stoned.
No one's ever died from pot. - Thank God.
Come on, you little pecker. I'll take you home.
What do I tell Mom and Dad? - Jack shit.
We just gotta sober you up. - How?
It's simple. I drive you home at 100 miles an hour.
Does it have to be that fast? - Yes.
You can't wear seat belt. - [squeaks, growls]...
...[engine starts]
Asshole!
Jesse! - Where were you? it's after nine.
We were at Missy's house.
We had to wait for the Ezekiel bread to rise.
It's an ancient grain. - Uh-huh. Look at me.
Your eyes are very red. Are you feeling okay?
Yeah. I'm just kinda tired. - You're stoned.
[giggles] What? No way. - Don't lie to me.
I know what stoned looks like. Come here.
See how my pupils are dilating with the light,
but yours aren't? You're high.
Oh, shit. My gummies. - What?
I... I'm missing some of my edibles.
At first I thought maybe I forgot I ate them, but--...
Jesus-- - I took them, okay?
It's not a big deal. - Wow, Greg.
Who could've possibly given her the impression that it's not a big deal?
I'm sorry, Shannon-- - No, that's it!
I didn't mean-- - You're done.
It was an accident. - You're moving out tonight.
No! - Jesse, go to your room.
It's not dad's fault.
He didn't do anything. I'm the one who got a high.
No, honey. Your mother's right.
This one's on me. - Dad...
I'll get my stuff.
Oh, no!
Lola, we've had a very special day together,
but I think perhaps we'd be better off as friends?
Wait, hold on. What?
Are you breaking up with me?
Don't think of it that way.
I thought we were genuinely, like, a good couple.
No Lola, don't cry.
But you're weak and boring,
and, like, a nobody!
What does it mean that even you don't want to be with me?
Let's not ask ourselves these hard questions,
but I really do hope we can be friends. - [growls]
Okay, Lola. You're hurting me.
You sleezeball! I rubbed fronts with you,
and then you just, like, dump me like a dump truck.
Oh, God, you're so strong.
I thought you were a good guy like Dr. Phil,
but you're a bad guy like Dr. Oz!
Dr. Oz is a-- - [bones snapping]
What did Dr. Oz do that was bad? I never heard.
Give me back my vanity sweats.
I can't. I think you broke my wrist.
Fine! I'll do it myself, Andrew.
They're caught on the shoes.
[grunts]
Please. Please just take them. Take the shoes!
I can't believe you stole my sweats on top of everything else!
Oh!
We're free. It's finally over.
[groaning] My wrist is broken!
Andrew! Where'd you put the large scissors?
We are so glad you're okay, Nickie.
You're lucky Judd was around when you sneezed into that wasp's nest.
What a good big brother.
I'm mesmerized by you, Judd. - Nope.
I get it. Not everyone's a cuddle-bug like me.
Sleep tight, Nickie. - Sleep tight, Nick-Nick.
Hey, Judd? - Yeah?
Thanks for taking care of me.
I thought I was alone, but then then you were there.
No big deal. You're never alone, buddy.
Like I said, I was training a battalion of raccoons...
...so that you'd never be alone again. - What?
Hey guys... He's the garbage!
[evil laughter]...
...[raccoons growling]...
...[Nick] Judd?
Judd!
[screaming]...
...[car door opens]...
...[Shadow Wizard] Was it worth it, Jesse? - [gasps]...
Just to get hella faded? - No.
Your sweet sad father thought he was going to win your mother back.
Do you think that'd happen now? - No.
Yes...
It appears those good old days are gone forever.
Oh! They look so happy.
[Shame Wizard] They do. What a shame.
[Jesse] I came along...
I never should have been born.
Oh! Now that's interesting.
[crying] This whole thing is my fault.
Oh, yes.
Also, you should have been more aggressive...
...volunteering for Hillary Clinton.
If you made a few more phone calls...
Who knows. - [sighs]
It's true.
It's so true.
SDH Created by: Arvind Vishwakarma