1
00:00:40,665 --> 00:00:42,367
[bell rings]
- [Steve] All right, guys.

2
00:00:42,467 --> 00:00:45,287
Today we're focusing on sexual education,

3
00:00:45,387 --> 00:00:47,956
which I am now qualified to teach

4
00:00:48,056 --> 00:00:49,332
PEENAS AND SWEETIES...

5
00:00:49,432 --> 00:00:51,710
...because I recently
made thick in the warm.

6
00:00:51,810 --> 00:00:54,171
Any questions?
- Nick Birch, row three.

7
00:00:54,271 --> 00:00:56,214
When you say thick in the warm,

8
00:00:56,314 --> 00:00:58,633
what do you mean by that?
- I had the same question.

9
00:00:58,733 --> 00:01:01,970
I'm talking about
emptying my guts into a lady.

10
00:01:02,070 --> 00:01:03,638
Who could be anyone's mom.

11
00:01:03,738 --> 00:01:04,806
Oh, I see.

12
00:01:04,906 --> 00:01:09,394
So the lady is the warm,
and then Coach Steve, he makes the thick?

13
00:01:09,494 --> 00:01:10,604
Oof!
- Argh!

14
00:01:10,704 --> 00:01:12,397
I hope you at least wore a condom.

15
00:01:12,497 --> 00:01:15,609
A yogurt balloon? No.
Those things taste terrible.

16
00:01:15,709 --> 00:01:17,486
Aren't you worried about getting
the woman pregnant?

17
00:01:17,586 --> 00:01:18,945
Or like getting an STD?

18
00:01:19,045 --> 00:01:22,115
I didn't even think of that.
I was so busy gooping.

19
00:01:22,215 --> 00:01:24,785
Maybe you should go to a doctor
or a Planned Parenthood.

20
00:01:24,885 --> 00:01:26,244
What's Planned Parenthood?

21
00:01:26,344 --> 00:01:27,829
It's an abortion factory.

22
00:01:27,929 --> 00:01:29,831
Jay, you don't know
what you're talking about.

23
00:01:29,931 --> 00:01:31,792
You've never even been
to a Planned Parenthood.

24
00:01:31,892 --> 00:01:35,003
Oh, for your information,
I've been in the car and number of times...

25
00:01:35,103 --> 00:01:37,047
...when my dad has dropped off
his receptionist there,

26
00:01:37,147 --> 00:01:38,757
and he calls it an abortion factory.

27
00:01:38,857 --> 00:01:40,258
Yeah, we seen his law commercials.

28
00:01:40,358 --> 00:01:43,095
Don't forget his Twitter feed.
Pretty outspoken on Twitter.

29
00:01:43,195 --> 00:01:45,639
I'm sorry,
but they do a lot more than abortions.

30
00:01:45,739 --> 00:01:47,015
Yeah, they save lives.

31
00:01:47,115 --> 00:01:48,934
By killing babies?
- Jay, please stop.

32
00:01:49,034 --> 00:01:50,393
Watch YouTube, guys.

33
00:01:50,493 --> 00:01:52,145
Just watch YouTube.

34
00:01:52,245 --> 00:01:54,439
Gentlemen, I think Jesse is referring
to cancer screenings.

35
00:01:54,539 --> 00:01:56,149
I don't understand.

36
00:01:56,249 --> 00:01:58,401
Is there some sort of
skit that we can watch...

37
00:01:58,501 --> 00:02:02,114
...that'd be entertaining and informative,
but also not too preachy?

38
00:02:02,214 --> 00:02:03,824
Ooh! That is a fine line we're trying to walk.

39
00:02:03,924 --> 00:02:06,735
Well, we're gonna do our best.
- All right.

40
00:02:06,835 --> 00:02:08,912
[female voice] The year is 2126.

41
00:02:09,012 --> 00:02:12,040
The evil Lord Bilzerian has declared
women's healthcare 'gay'

42
00:02:12,140 --> 00:02:14,459
and outlawed all Planned Parenthoods.

43
00:02:14,559 --> 00:02:17,712
Luckily, an elite medical team
travels the galaxy,

44
00:02:17,812 --> 00:02:19,422
helping women in need,

45
00:02:19,522 --> 00:02:23,176
led by Captain Missy Foreman-Greenwald.
They are...

46
00:02:23,276 --> 00:02:27,016
The Vagilantes!

47
00:02:28,815 --> 00:02:31,059
Captain, we're getting
an urgent transmission.

48
00:02:31,159 --> 00:02:33,937
A female on Texania is due
for a pap smear.

49
00:02:34,037 --> 00:02:35,438
Chewbacca sound!

50
00:02:35,538 --> 00:02:38,099
Affirmative. Initiate hyper speed.

51
00:02:38,199 --> 00:02:39,943
[swooshes]

52
00:02:40,043 --> 00:02:43,071
Texania. That's Bilzerian territory.

53
00:02:43,171 --> 00:02:45,198
Don't worry, Missy. I'll protect you.

54
00:02:45,298 --> 00:02:46,950
Well, I'll protect her too.

55
00:02:47,050 --> 00:02:50,036
General Fillion and Janitor Glouberman,
though I'm flattered,

56
00:02:50,136 --> 00:02:52,122
I'm fully capable of protecting myself.

57
00:02:52,222 --> 00:02:53,540
Excuse me, am I a janitor?

58
00:02:53,640 --> 00:02:55,950
Every person on this team
is equally important.

59
00:02:56,050 --> 00:02:58,870
Even the person who through our feces
out of the window by hand.

60
00:02:58,970 --> 00:03:01,414
What? Why do I have to do it that way?

61
00:03:01,514 --> 00:03:03,800
Fuck you, Glouberman,
and go wash your hands.

62
00:03:03,900 --> 00:03:05,719
No matter how much you wash your hands,

63
00:03:05,819 --> 00:03:07,762
a trace amount of feces will always remain.

64
00:03:07,862 --> 00:03:10,006
[grunts]

65
00:03:10,106 --> 00:03:12,592
Captain, our sensors have detected
a Bilzerian patrol in the area.

66
00:03:12,692 --> 00:03:13,852
DON'T MESS-ANIA
WITH TEXANIA

67
00:03:13,952 --> 00:03:15,437
The patient is ready.

68
00:03:15,537 --> 00:03:17,856
Brace yourself, people!
Initiating shrink down.

69
00:03:17,956 --> 00:03:21,109
I wish there was a way to shrink
my burning desire to be with you, Missy.

70
00:03:21,209 --> 00:03:23,320
Well, I wish we could shrink the feces.

71
00:03:23,420 --> 00:03:25,447
I mean we obviously have the technology.

72
00:03:25,547 --> 00:03:29,317
[Missy] Prepare for pelvic exam!

73
00:03:29,417 --> 00:03:34,447
[Fillion] You know,  I'll never get used to
this part of the job.

74
00:03:34,547 --> 00:03:37,325
Extending the swab, captain.

75
00:03:37,425 --> 00:03:40,161
Okay, now scan the sample
for abnormal cells.

76
00:03:40,261 --> 00:03:42,255
Captain, another ship
has entered the vagina.

77
00:03:42,355 --> 00:03:45,133
What sort of space ship
would enter a vagina without consent?

78
00:03:45,233 --> 00:03:47,552
The Bilzerians.
- Yeah, the Bilzerians.

79
00:03:47,652 --> 00:03:48,929
I was totally gonna say that.

80
00:03:49,029 --> 00:03:50,430
You heard me say it first though.
Right, Missy?

81
00:03:50,530 --> 00:03:54,259
Oh, boys. Please.

82
00:03:54,359 --> 00:03:58,939
Attention! Your ship is in violation
of Bilzerian Space Law 69,

83
00:03:59,039 --> 00:04:01,483
but only on the guy.
Surrender immediately.

84
00:04:01,583 --> 00:04:05,228
Not on my watch, friend.

85
00:04:05,328 --> 00:04:08,114
We'll lose them in the fallopian tubes.
I guarantee it.

86
00:04:08,214 --> 00:04:09,366
It's gonna be a tight squeeze.

87
00:04:09,466 --> 00:04:12,118
[Fillion] Oh Missy,
if anyone can do it, you can.

88
00:04:12,218 --> 00:04:13,662
[Andrew] Kiss butt much, Fillion?

89
00:04:13,762 --> 00:04:14,996
[Fillion] Well, I'd rather kiss butt...

90
00:04:15,096 --> 00:04:16,616
...than take what comes
out of a butt by hand...

91
00:04:16,716 --> 00:04:17,582
...and fling it out the window.

92
00:04:17,682 --> 00:04:19,918
You know, you're 50 years old.

93
00:04:20,018 --> 00:04:23,872
Missy, I need you to know
I am only in my mid-forties.

94
00:04:23,972 --> 00:04:25,924
[Missy] Oh, sweet mother Gaia.

95
00:04:26,024 --> 00:04:29,261
Look at all of these beautiful ova.

96
00:04:29,361 --> 00:04:32,097
When the average woman is born,
she has 300,000 eggs.

97
00:04:32,197 --> 00:04:34,015
Gracious me! Do you see what I see?

98
00:04:34,115 --> 00:04:35,717
An ovarian cyst!

99
00:04:35,817 --> 00:04:38,311
Oh, fuck. I mean, Chewbacca sound!

100
00:04:38,411 --> 00:04:40,146
We have to remove in case it ruptures.

101
00:04:40,246 --> 00:04:41,356
I'm going out there.

102
00:04:41,456 --> 00:04:43,149
No, Missy. It's too dangerous.

103
00:04:43,249 --> 00:04:46,569
For once, I agree with Mr. Shit.
- Do you see how mean he is to me?

104
00:04:46,669 --> 00:04:47,904
Guys, I have to do it.

105
00:04:48,004 --> 00:04:52,150
This woman's reproductive health
might be at stake.

106
00:04:52,250 --> 00:04:53,610
Approaching cyst.

107
00:04:53,710 --> 00:04:56,345
It looks cyst-y.

108
00:04:57,588 --> 00:04:58,999
[Fillion] Missy, we've got a problem.

109
00:04:59,099 --> 00:05:02,002
[Andrew] Is it that you're 46 and she's 13?

110
00:05:02,102 --> 00:05:03,336
Stop right there.

111
00:05:03,436 --> 00:05:05,005
We've got you surrounded.

112
00:05:05,105 --> 00:05:07,757
Any last requests, science lesbo?

113
00:05:07,857 --> 00:05:10,543
Actually, yes. Just one.

114
00:05:10,643 --> 00:05:13,596
I ask you to look around...

115
00:05:13,696 --> 00:05:16,933
...at the majesty
of the female reproductive system,

116
00:05:17,033 --> 00:05:19,144
because it is this very system...

117
00:05:19,244 --> 00:05:22,522
...that brings each and every one of us
into the world.

118
00:05:22,622 --> 00:05:24,274
Even you, Bilzerians.

119
00:05:24,374 --> 00:05:26,100
You are of us.

120
00:05:26,200 --> 00:05:27,277
You know, she's right.

121
00:05:27,377 --> 00:05:31,022
The female reproductive system
is how you make...

122
00:05:31,122 --> 00:05:32,907
...boys.
- Go now, Missy,

123
00:05:33,007 --> 00:05:36,661
and I will see to it that we protect
these beautiful factories...

124
00:05:36,761 --> 00:05:38,038
...for male excellence.

125
00:05:38,138 --> 00:05:40,373
Come on, boys!
- Dudes!

126
00:05:40,473 --> 00:05:44,419
Okay, not exactly the point I was making,
but I'll take it!

127
00:05:44,519 --> 00:05:46,120
Vagina wipe!

128
00:05:46,220 --> 00:05:49,466
Missy, we've analyzed the cells,
and our patient is gonna be okay.

129
00:05:49,566 --> 00:05:51,718
What an exciting adventure this has been.

130
00:05:51,818 --> 00:05:54,137
Yes, it really makes you think
about what's important.

131
00:05:54,237 --> 00:05:56,931
Andrew, I'm sorry that you're a shit flinger.

132
00:05:57,031 --> 00:05:59,601
And I'm sorry
that all your shows got canceled.

133
00:05:59,701 --> 00:06:00,560
[laughing]

134
00:06:00,660 --> 00:06:03,313
Touche. Perhaps we're more alike
than we care to admit.

135
00:06:03,413 --> 00:06:06,066
Andrew, would you be willing
to dance the merengue with me...

136
00:06:06,166 --> 00:06:08,893
...while we both make
searing eye contact with Missy?

137
00:06:08,993 --> 00:06:12,223
Si, Senor. A thousand times si.

138
00:06:12,872 --> 00:06:14,866
Chewbacca sound!

139
00:06:14,966 --> 00:06:16,117
Wo wo wo!

140
00:06:16,217 --> 00:06:18,286
You said it, baby. Vroom!

141
00:06:18,386 --> 00:06:19,329
Argh!

142
00:06:19,429 --> 00:06:20,538
Okay, fine.

143
00:06:20,638 --> 00:06:23,875
Maybe Planned Parenthood does
a couple cancer screenings.

144
00:06:23,975 --> 00:06:27,045
But it's mostly abortions.
- Common misconception, Jay.

145
00:06:27,145 --> 00:06:29,839
Abortions make up
only a tiny percentage of what they do.

146
00:06:29,939 --> 00:06:31,549
Yeah, they also do breast exams.

147
00:06:31,649 --> 00:06:33,968
Which I've already offered to do for free...

148
00:06:34,068 --> 00:06:35,553
...for all the girls in the class.

149
00:06:35,653 --> 00:06:38,390
In fact, I'll pay you in Bitcoin.

150
00:06:38,490 --> 00:06:39,933
Kid's a financial genius.

151
00:06:40,033 --> 00:06:42,852
Why aren't you offering girls money
to touch their tits?

152
00:06:42,952 --> 00:06:44,646
Because it's prostitution.

153
00:06:44,746 --> 00:06:47,357
Not if you do it so good,
she falls in love with you.

154
00:06:47,457 --> 00:06:48,650
You know that's possible, right?

155
00:06:48,750 --> 00:06:50,902
Also, Planned Parenthood
offers birth control...

156
00:06:51,002 --> 00:06:53,196
...to literally millions of people.

157
00:06:53,296 --> 00:06:54,656
[Steve] Bird control?
- What?

158
00:06:54,756 --> 00:06:55,615
Good luck.

159
00:06:55,715 --> 00:06:58,368
Everybody says
that pigeons are the rats of the sky,

160
00:06:58,468 --> 00:06:59,828
but let me tell you something,

161
00:06:59,928 --> 00:07:03,415
they're the Einsteins
of the diaper barge where I live.

162
00:07:03,515 --> 00:07:06,209
I think the person who had sex with you
may have committed a crime.

163
00:07:06,309 --> 00:07:09,504
[softly] Yeah.
- Steve, we're talking about contraception.

164
00:07:09,604 --> 00:07:13,842
Again, if you had some sort of skit
that referenced a TV show,

165
00:07:13,942 --> 00:07:16,511
I might have a shot at understanding.

166
00:07:16,611 --> 00:07:18,263
Okay, you broken Roomba.

167
00:07:18,363 --> 00:07:23,760
I wish I had wheels,
running into walls and what-not.

168
00:07:23,860 --> 00:07:25,770
Babies... they're like tuna melts.

169
00:07:25,870 --> 00:07:29,015
They sound good,
but do you really want one right now?

170
00:07:29,115 --> 00:07:30,859
I don't want a baby or a tuna melt.

171
00:07:30,959 --> 00:07:31,818
LEAH
16 YEARS OLD

172
00:07:31,918 --> 00:07:32,777
The tuna's all hot,

173
00:07:32,877 --> 00:07:35,405
and a baby's,
like, a lot of responsibility.

174
00:07:35,505 --> 00:07:38,733
That's why tonight,
we're going to help Leah find...

175
00:07:38,833 --> 00:07:40,777
...the perfect contraception.

176
00:07:40,877 --> 00:07:42,495
MISS
CONCEPTION

177
00:07:42,595 --> 00:07:44,581
Leah, let's meet your choices, girl.

178
00:07:44,681 --> 00:07:46,040
I'm so excited.

179
00:07:46,140 --> 00:07:50,730
Okay, easy, Anne Hathaway.
[laughs] Calm down.

180
00:07:52,138 --> 00:07:52,964
Hi, Leah.

181
00:07:53,064 --> 00:07:54,624
CONDOM
INVENTED 1642...

182
00:07:54,724 --> 00:07:56,217
What's up?
- Oh, wow!

183
00:07:56,317 --> 00:07:57,177
Nice to meet you.

184
00:07:57,277 --> 00:07:58,887
Did we just hug?
I couldn't feel anything.

185
00:07:58,987 --> 00:08:00,180
Yeah, we definitely hugged.

186
00:08:00,280 --> 00:08:03,925
Just kidding. I felt it a tiny bit.
It was okay.

187
00:08:04,025 --> 00:08:05,310
Hi Leah, I'm the pill.

188
00:08:05,410 --> 00:08:06,269
THE PILL
INVENTED 1957

189
00:08:06,369 --> 00:08:08,521
Let's get right to it.
I need to know that you're serious.

190
00:08:08,621 --> 00:08:09,439
I think I am.

191
00:08:09,539 --> 00:08:12,692
No, you have to make
a commitment to me every day.

192
00:08:12,792 --> 00:08:15,236
What if I forget?
Then every day for the rest of your life,

193
00:08:15,336 --> 00:08:17,855
you're going to have a tuna melt.
- Ugh!

194
00:08:17,955 --> 00:08:18,823
THE IMPLANT
INVENTED 1998

195
00:08:18,923 --> 00:08:21,618
Hey, girl, I'm surgically implanted
in your arm for up to three years.

196
00:08:21,718 --> 00:08:24,704
With me, you just set it and forget it,
and let the dude just slam it home.

197
00:08:24,804 --> 00:08:27,165
Slam it home?
Is that what sex is like?

198
00:08:27,265 --> 00:08:29,242
Through college at least.

199
00:08:29,342 --> 00:08:30,168
[coughing]

200
00:08:30,268 --> 00:08:31,702
DIAPHRAGM
INVENTED 1883

201
00:08:31,802 --> 00:08:34,172
We both know you're not going to pick me.

202
00:08:34,272 --> 00:08:36,758
I'm just here for the buffet.
- Okay.

203
00:08:36,858 --> 00:08:40,711
Your mother and I were really good friends.

204
00:08:40,811 --> 00:08:41,846
I'm an IUD.

205
00:08:41,946 --> 00:08:43,139
IUD INVENTED 1800s

206
00:08:43,239 --> 00:08:45,725
I'm incredibly effective,
but it's going to hurt going in.

207
00:08:45,825 --> 00:08:51,264
But perhaps you like a little pain.
- Your lips are freezing.

208
00:08:51,364 --> 00:08:51,645
PULL OUT METHOD

209
00:08:51,745 --> 00:08:52,598
INVENTED LIKE TWO
YEARS AFTER SEX STARTED

210
00:08:52,698 --> 00:08:54,225
Hey, what's up?

211
00:08:54,325 --> 00:08:56,194
I'm the Pull Out Method.
- Hi.

212
00:08:56,294 --> 00:08:58,863
Oh, whoa! Were we about to kiss, babe?

213
00:08:58,963 --> 00:09:01,032
Um, excuse me, his hand is on my boob.

214
00:09:01,132 --> 00:09:03,701
Hey, get off of her!
Go to the mansion and get some wine.

215
00:09:03,801 --> 00:09:07,071
Don't threaten me with a good time.

216
00:09:07,171 --> 00:09:10,542
The cocktail party was a really great way
to get to know my options a little better...

217
00:09:10,642 --> 00:09:12,994
...while eating coconut shrimp.

218
00:09:13,094 --> 00:09:17,006
Honey, can you get me a doggy bag
for the mango salsa?

219
00:09:17,106 --> 00:09:20,468
Seven of them are sugar pills,
but I would take them just to keep track.

220
00:09:20,568 --> 00:09:21,678
Sounds complicated.

221
00:09:21,778 --> 00:09:23,763
Wait, so do I get my period
during those days?

222
00:09:23,863 --> 00:09:25,515
Yeah, it's kind of a bummer, but--

223
00:09:25,615 --> 00:09:27,600
I'm sorry, can I just steal you for a sec?

224
00:09:27,700 --> 00:09:28,810
Oh. Let me just...

225
00:09:28,910 --> 00:09:29,978
I hate talking shit,

226
00:09:30,078 --> 00:09:33,314
but none of these other choices
prevent STDs.

227
00:09:33,414 --> 00:09:35,733
Oh!
- Babe, babe, baby...

228
00:09:35,833 --> 00:09:38,778
I just want to be close to you
with nothing in between us.

229
00:09:38,878 --> 00:09:40,822
Is that so wrong?
- I guess not?

230
00:09:40,922 --> 00:09:45,743
Also, with these other methods,
you don't get that sweet belly blam.

231
00:09:45,843 --> 00:09:49,583
Oh!

232
00:09:51,924 --> 00:09:54,410
Well, Leah, it's time.

233
00:09:54,510 --> 00:09:57,755
This is the hardest choice
I have ever had to make.

234
00:09:57,855 --> 00:10:02,302
You are all so special,
but I have to go with my heart and pick...

235
00:10:02,402 --> 00:10:05,972
...[clock ticking]

236
00:10:16,532 --> 00:10:17,817
The Pull Out Method!

237
00:10:17,917 --> 00:10:18,851
Yes!

238
00:10:18,951 --> 00:10:21,070
I cannot wait to come inside you.

239
00:10:21,170 --> 00:10:22,614
[The Implant] Oh, man.
- Don't trust him.

240
00:10:22,714 --> 00:10:24,032
[kissing, moaning]

241
00:10:24,132 --> 00:10:24,991
Oh yeah.

242
00:10:25,091 --> 00:10:26,367
There it is, ladies and gentlemen.

243
00:10:26,467 --> 00:10:28,703
Another teenager
making a terrible life choice.

244
00:10:28,803 --> 00:10:30,997
Cut! Nope. Turn the lights on.

245
00:10:31,097 --> 00:10:33,499
You are not picking the Pull Out Method.

246
00:10:33,599 --> 00:10:34,959
Mom, we love each other!

247
00:10:35,059 --> 00:10:37,211
Whoa! Your mom is hot.
- I know this guy.

248
00:10:37,311 --> 00:10:39,255
He gave me chlamydia.

249
00:10:39,355 --> 00:10:41,007
You are beautiful.

250
00:10:41,107 --> 00:10:42,884
Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

251
00:10:42,984 --> 00:10:45,053
You're going on the pill,
and you're using condoms.

252
00:10:45,153 --> 00:10:46,304
Yes.
- Come to me, baby.

253
00:10:46,404 --> 00:10:48,222
And that is final.
- Double up.

254
00:10:48,322 --> 00:10:50,058
Diane, is that you?

255
00:10:50,158 --> 00:10:52,727
I haven't seen you since senior prom.

256
00:10:52,827 --> 00:10:55,688
Yeah.
- Michael Villareal? Hello.

257
00:10:55,788 --> 00:10:57,940
He was a catch.
- How are you doing?

258
00:10:58,040 --> 00:11:00,443
I'm dying, Diane.
- Oh, uh...

259
00:11:00,543 --> 00:11:01,694
Bone cancer.

260
00:11:01,794 --> 00:11:03,279
Sorry to hear that. Leah, let's go.

261
00:11:03,379 --> 00:11:05,022
It spread to my feet.

262
00:11:05,122 --> 00:11:06,491
Honestly, it's just at this point...

263
00:11:06,591 --> 00:11:07,408
THE IMPLANT
INVENTED 1998...

264
00:11:07,508 --> 00:11:09,702
...and it's hard enough
to be open in today's world,

265
00:11:09,802 --> 00:11:11,663
and I offered to be fully implanted,

266
00:11:11,763 --> 00:11:14,457
and I think that is a rare find
to just meet at contraceptive,

267
00:11:14,557 --> 00:11:15,958
that's like, 'I will implant today...

268
00:11:16,058 --> 00:11:18,795
...and I can guarantee you that
I'll be there for you for three years,'

269
00:11:18,895 --> 00:11:20,129
but obviously if that's not enough,

270
00:11:20,229 --> 00:11:22,215
maybe she's not the person
that I should be protecting.

271
00:11:22,315 --> 00:11:24,967
Like maybe I should be protecting myself,
'cause obviously I'm hurt now.

272
00:11:25,067 --> 00:11:29,630
Like maybe I should just put
a fucking condom over my own self.

273
00:11:29,730 --> 00:11:32,934
Well, in the end,
I think she made a wise choice.

274
00:11:33,034 --> 00:11:36,929
Coming up next,
the finale of Spatula in Paradise.

275
00:11:37,029 --> 00:11:38,940
You're both such amazing spatulas,

276
00:11:39,040 --> 00:11:41,859
so this is one of the hardest decisions
I've ever had to make,

277
00:11:41,959 --> 00:11:44,687
but I'm going to choose...

278
00:11:44,787 --> 00:11:46,656
...the metal one.
- They're both metal.

279
00:11:46,756 --> 00:11:48,616
The one I did pancakes with.

280
00:11:48,716 --> 00:11:52,370
Wow! I never realized women had to make
so many birth control choices.

281
00:11:52,470 --> 00:11:54,497
Well, men need
to take responsibility too, though.

282
00:11:54,597 --> 00:11:55,957
Beautifully said, Jesse.

283
00:11:56,057 --> 00:11:57,792
Dad, what are you doing here?

284
00:11:57,892 --> 00:12:00,128
Nickie, I knew
you would've been so embarrassed

285
00:12:00,228 --> 00:12:02,588
If I didn't come and tell
your entire sex ed class...

286
00:12:02,688 --> 00:12:05,174
...about my decision to get a vasectomy.
- A vasectomy?

287
00:12:05,274 --> 00:12:08,344
Your mother and I are making
a commitment to pleasure.

288
00:12:08,444 --> 00:12:10,221
What does that mean?
- Please don't ask him that.

289
00:12:10,321 --> 00:12:11,723
Okay everybody, from now on,

290
00:12:11,823 --> 00:12:14,058
my erotic ministrations
with Nickie's mother...

291
00:12:14,158 --> 00:12:17,395
...will be purely an expression
of lust and gratitude.

292
00:12:17,495 --> 00:12:19,105
We're done here.
- No more babies.

293
00:12:19,205 --> 00:12:21,399
Just knee buckling orgasms.
- Dad...

294
00:12:21,499 --> 00:12:23,609
To say I'm eager to please
is an understatement.

295
00:12:23,709 --> 00:12:26,946
Wow, Dr. Birch. You're a real partner
in family planning with your wife.

296
00:12:27,046 --> 00:12:30,616
Well, Mrs. Birch's birth control
was robbing her of her natural moisture.

297
00:12:30,716 --> 00:12:32,744
Ooh! What, are we talking about,
your mom's N.M. ?

298
00:12:32,844 --> 00:12:34,162
Jay...
- Natural Moisture.

299
00:12:34,262 --> 00:12:37,165
Dad, get out of here
and just go get your vasectomy already.

300
00:12:37,265 --> 00:12:38,332
Okay?
- You got it, Nickie,

301
00:12:38,432 --> 00:12:40,042
but you're coming on the journey...

302
00:12:40,142 --> 00:12:41,627
...[softly]...with me.
- Oh dear Lord.

303
00:12:41,727 --> 00:12:43,337
ELLIOT'S
VASECTOMY...

304
00:12:43,437 --> 00:12:45,757
...[Elliot] It all started in Brooklyn,
my hometown.

305
00:12:45,857 --> 00:12:50,011
Land of the Dodgers, Coney Island,
and Nathan's Famous dogs.

306
00:12:50,111 --> 00:12:51,804
These were dogs
that had their own headshots.

307
00:12:51,904 --> 00:12:52,797
TO Elliot, I <3 You

308
00:12:52,897 --> 00:12:55,099
The year was 1955.

309
00:12:55,199 --> 00:12:56,559
Hold on. 1955?

310
00:12:56,659 --> 00:12:58,352
No. You weren't even born yet, dad.

311
00:12:58,452 --> 00:13:00,354
Not to mention, Nathan sells hot dogs.

312
00:13:00,454 --> 00:13:02,482
They were hot, Nickie. Red hot.

313
00:13:02,582 --> 00:13:05,318
The biggest stars in the country.
- So the dogs were movie stars.

314
00:13:05,418 --> 00:13:06,527
It's my vasectomy.

315
00:13:06,627 --> 00:13:08,446
I'll tell the story how I want.

316
00:13:08,546 --> 00:13:10,031
The first year of my residency,

317
00:13:10,131 --> 00:13:12,742
I was working nights
at a 1950s themed diner,

318
00:13:12,842 --> 00:13:14,160
which back then was just a diner,

319
00:13:14,260 --> 00:13:18,539
when in walked the most beautiful girl
I'd ever seen: Your mother.

320
00:13:18,639 --> 00:13:21,542
Hi, I'm Diane Keaton.
- [Nick] That's not mom's maiden name.

321
00:13:21,642 --> 00:13:23,753
I'm an independent woman
who's sexually liberated.

322
00:13:23,853 --> 00:13:25,004
That's why I'm wearing pants.

323
00:13:25,104 --> 00:13:27,298
[Elliot] She was a woman
who knew what she wanted.

324
00:13:27,398 --> 00:13:29,759
Pants, and also your old man,

325
00:13:29,859 --> 00:13:33,012
who was a young man then in 1955.

326
00:13:33,112 --> 00:13:34,169
I was smitten, Nickie.

327
00:13:34,269 --> 00:13:36,432
And one night, your
mother called me over...

328
00:13:36,532 --> 00:13:38,017
...because a lobster was attacking her.

329
00:13:38,117 --> 00:13:40,603
I came as soon
as my analyst told me you called.

330
00:13:40,703 --> 00:13:42,104
[Nick] I'm sorry,
is that a Woody Allen thing?

331
00:13:42,204 --> 00:13:45,107
I've never seen any of his movies,
'cause mom says he's a monster.

332
00:13:45,207 --> 00:13:46,692
[Elliot] And I saved your mother...

333
00:13:46,792 --> 00:13:49,695
...by giving the lobster a tennis racket.
- [Nick] Okay, I'm gonna stop you.

334
00:13:49,795 --> 00:13:51,572
I thought this was the story
of your vasectomy.

335
00:13:51,672 --> 00:13:53,533
It's about our family. Anyway...

336
00:13:53,633 --> 00:13:56,994
Elliot, we've done oral to each other
a number of times,

337
00:13:57,094 --> 00:13:58,830
but now I want to have sex with you.

338
00:13:58,930 --> 00:14:00,373
You mean, make love.

339
00:14:00,473 --> 00:14:01,666
Argh! Sure.

340
00:14:01,766 --> 00:14:04,794
[Nick] So what is this,
the night that you guys conceived Judd?

341
00:14:04,894 --> 00:14:07,380
[Elliot] Not that night, Nickie,
because it was during the day.

342
00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:09,632
Your mother rolled a condom on slowly.

343
00:14:09,732 --> 00:14:14,554
My penis was as hard as it is for me
to watch you kids grow up so fast.

344
00:14:14,654 --> 00:14:16,806
[Nick] Dad, this is unforgivable.

345
00:14:16,906 --> 00:14:19,058
[Elliot] Flash forward to the 1970s.

346
00:14:19,158 --> 00:14:21,102
The year was 1955.

347
00:14:21,202 --> 00:14:24,981
Your mother and I, now married,
were ready to start a family.

348
00:14:25,081 --> 00:14:28,851
Diane, I long to be with child.

349
00:14:28,951 --> 00:14:30,820
Well, then you can't use
those condoms that you love.

350
00:14:30,920 --> 00:14:33,489
[Elliot] Now that was the night
we conceived Judd.

351
00:14:33,589 --> 00:14:36,033
[Nick] Dad, are you on a bunch
of painkillers for your surgery?

352
00:14:36,133 --> 00:14:38,911
I am. It's the Randy Quaid cocktail.

353
00:14:39,011 --> 00:14:42,748
[Elliot]  A few years later,
flash forward to 1955.

354
00:14:42,848 --> 00:14:45,251
It was the 80s, and greet was good.

355
00:14:45,351 --> 00:14:47,128
Look, I'm the movie Baby Boom.

356
00:14:47,228 --> 00:14:49,714
I've got career on the brain,
but also these three kids.

357
00:14:49,814 --> 00:14:50,798
So now I'm on the pill.

358
00:14:50,898 --> 00:14:52,592
Folks, what's the deal with baths?

359
00:14:52,692 --> 00:14:54,218
Why do I never wanna take one?

360
00:14:54,318 --> 00:14:56,846
But then once I'm out,
and I come down in my pajammies,

361
00:14:56,946 --> 00:14:57,805
I'm so happy.

362
00:14:57,905 --> 00:15:00,224
Anyway, that's my time.
You've been a great family.

363
00:15:00,324 --> 00:15:01,142
Good night.

364
00:15:01,242 --> 00:15:02,435
Argh!

365
00:15:02,535 --> 00:15:04,353
[Elliot] Our family was complete,

366
00:15:04,453 --> 00:15:07,732
and now it's my turn to take over
our reproductive destiny,

367
00:15:07,832 --> 00:15:09,400
by getting a vasectomy.

368
00:15:09,500 --> 00:15:12,987
Nickie, my final child,
hold my soft moist hand...

369
00:15:13,087 --> 00:15:15,656
...while this crustacean slices open
my scrotum.

370
00:15:15,756 --> 00:15:16,574
Oof!

371
00:15:16,674 --> 00:15:18,576
I love you, Nikki
- I love you too, dad.

372
00:15:18,676 --> 00:15:20,745
[muffled shouting]

373
00:15:20,845 --> 00:15:23,948
THE END
(BUT JUST THIS PART)

374
00:15:24,048 --> 00:15:26,667
Barbara, did you touch
my box of peach pits?

375
00:15:26,767 --> 00:15:29,754
I'm looking for the one I was sucking
on the toilet last week.  It's not here.

376
00:15:29,854 --> 00:15:32,256
You're asking me if I took your toilet pit?

377
00:15:32,356 --> 00:15:34,675
Yeah, I like to suck
the fiber out of the ridges.

378
00:15:34,775 --> 00:15:37,011
This one was perfect.
It was a sucker's dream.

379
00:15:37,111 --> 00:15:38,971
No, Marty. I did not.

380
00:15:39,071 --> 00:15:41,974
Fine. Andrew! Did you lay
your grubby hands on my pits?

381
00:15:42,074 --> 00:15:43,601
[growls]...

382
00:15:43,701 --> 00:15:45,353
...[man on radio] You're
listening to the radio,

383
00:15:45,453 --> 00:15:49,106
which means you're either in a rental car
or the community room in nursing home.

384
00:15:49,206 --> 00:15:51,442
Up next,
another song we've chosen for you.

385
00:15:51,542 --> 00:15:53,569
Deee-Lite's 1990 classic,

386
00:15:53,669 --> 00:15:56,304
'Groove Is in the Heart.'

387
00:15:58,457 --> 00:16:00,497
DEEE-LITE
LIVE...

388
00:16:01,085 --> 00:16:06,695
...♪ Dig ♪...

389
00:16:10,094 --> 00:16:12,663
...♪ The chills that you
spill up my back ♪...

390
00:16:12,763 --> 00:16:15,299
...♪ Keep me filled with satisfaction
When we're done ♪...

391
00:16:15,399 --> 00:16:17,793
...♪ Satisfaction of what's to come ♪...

392
00:16:17,893 --> 00:16:22,313
...♪ No, I couldn't ask for another ♪...

393
00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:37,855
...♪ Groove is in the heart ♪...

394
00:16:37,955 --> 00:16:41,817
...♪ Groove is in the heart ♪...

395
00:16:41,917 --> 00:16:44,912
...♪ Groove is in the heart ♪...

396
00:16:45,012 --> 00:16:48,412
...♪ Astronomical ♪...

397
00:16:56,932 --> 00:16:59,635
...♪ Watch out ♪
- ♪ The depth of hula groove ♪...

398
00:16:59,735 --> 00:17:01,629
...♪ Move us to the nth hoop ♪...

399
00:17:01,729 --> 00:17:05,341
...♪ We're going through to
Horten hears a who ♪...

400
00:17:05,441 --> 00:17:06,809
...♪ I couldn't ask for another ♪

401
00:17:06,909 --> 00:17:10,309
PREGNANT

402
00:17:10,320 --> 00:17:12,806
PLANNED PARENTHOOD...

403
00:17:12,906 --> 00:17:15,517
...♪ DJ Soul was on a roll ♪...

404
00:17:15,617 --> 00:17:17,728
...♪ I been told he can't be sold ♪...

405
00:17:17,828 --> 00:17:21,490
...♪ Not vicious or malicious
Just de-lovely and delicious ♪...

406
00:17:21,590 --> 00:17:24,140
...♪ I couldn't ask for another ♪...

407
00:17:24,334 --> 00:17:25,327
...[crash]
- ♪ Sing it ♪...

408
00:17:25,427 --> 00:17:28,989
...♪ Groove is in the heart ♪...

409
00:17:29,089 --> 00:17:33,169
...♪ Groove is in the heart ♪...

410
00:17:33,269 --> 00:17:37,373
...♪ Groove is in the heart ♪...

411
00:17:37,473 --> 00:17:40,350
...♪ Groove is in the heart ♪...

412
00:17:49,902 --> 00:17:51,729
I do.
- [woman] One, two--

413
00:17:51,829 --> 00:17:55,994
I do.

414
00:17:59,953 --> 00:18:04,628
♪ Blow them all along ♪

415
00:18:06,210 --> 00:18:07,912
Well, what are we gonna name him?

416
00:18:08,012 --> 00:18:10,623
How about... Andrew?

417
00:18:10,723 --> 00:18:12,750
Andrew.

418
00:18:12,850 --> 00:18:15,086
[high-pitched voice] Andrew!

419
00:18:15,186 --> 00:18:17,079
[normal voice] Yeah, that works.

420
00:18:17,179 --> 00:18:20,424
Mom, I threw one of Dad's peach pits
at an aggressive squirrel,

421
00:18:20,524 --> 00:18:22,176
and I think he knows.
- [Marty] I heard that!

422
00:18:22,276 --> 00:18:23,427
Help me!
- [Marty] Andrew!

423
00:18:23,527 --> 00:18:24,345
Aw!

424
00:18:24,445 --> 00:18:28,065
♪ I couldn't ask for another ♪

425
00:18:31,068 --> 00:18:33,771
Busted!
Planned Parenthood does do abortions.

426
00:18:33,871 --> 00:18:37,399
Yeah, because women have the right
to choose what happens to their bodies.

427
00:18:37,499 --> 00:18:40,194
Oh, shit. I'm gonna get
some Twitter comments about this.

428
00:18:40,294 --> 00:18:42,822
They're gonna be mean and threatening,
and weirdly personal.

429
00:18:42,922 --> 00:18:44,198
You okay, Andrew?

430
00:18:44,298 --> 00:18:47,660
These things, they're just skits, right?
- Most of them are,

431
00:18:47,760 --> 00:18:50,079
but that one seems like it really happened.

432
00:18:50,179 --> 00:18:51,580
It does, doesn't it?
- Ha-ha!

433
00:18:51,680 --> 00:18:53,415
Andrew's older brother is an abortion.

434
00:18:53,515 --> 00:18:55,459
Your brothers make you eat cum crackers.

435
00:18:55,559 --> 00:18:57,503
My mom says that's how I get my nutrients!

436
00:18:57,603 --> 00:19:00,589
Sex is... so complicated.

437
00:19:00,689 --> 00:19:03,425
I know.
And we haven't even talked about STDs.

438
00:19:03,525 --> 00:19:06,637
STDs?
- Oh, no! I think this one's gonna be scary.

439
00:19:06,737 --> 00:19:08,130
BLUE WAFFLE

440
00:19:08,230 --> 00:19:10,780
Be careful, black and white Andrew!

441
00:19:12,568 --> 00:19:14,145
Andrew!
- Lola...

442
00:19:14,245 --> 00:19:15,646
...how do you know where I live?

443
00:19:15,746 --> 00:19:18,232
I googled it, you chinless turd.

444
00:19:18,332 --> 00:19:21,569
Because I needed to tell you
that you gave me Blue Waffle.

445
00:19:21,669 --> 00:19:23,028
Blue Waffle? What's that?

446
00:19:23,128 --> 00:19:24,104
Don't lie!

447
00:19:24,204 --> 00:19:27,783
It's an STD that makes your vagenitals
look like this.

448
00:19:27,883 --> 00:19:29,410
[screaming]

449
00:19:29,510 --> 00:19:30,995
Is that you?

450
00:19:31,095 --> 00:19:32,329
No, but it will be.

451
00:19:32,429 --> 00:19:35,082
Right now, I'm just, like, super itchy.

452
00:19:35,182 --> 00:19:36,584
But we didn't even have sex.

453
00:19:36,684 --> 00:19:40,245
Our tongues did, dummy.
We Frenched!

454
00:19:40,345 --> 00:19:41,463
Oh God. We did.

455
00:19:41,563 --> 00:19:44,133
Wait, what happens
when guys get Blue Waffle?

456
00:19:44,233 --> 00:19:47,720
Your dick busts open
and it turns into a bumpy blue waffle,

457
00:19:47,820 --> 00:19:50,681
and you can't even put ice cream on it
'cause it's too hot.

458
00:19:50,781 --> 00:19:52,850
It's hot?
- No duh, Andrew.

459
00:19:52,950 --> 00:19:55,928
It's pulsing with, like, dick fever.

460
00:19:56,028 --> 00:19:58,063
You can't tell anybody about it,

461
00:19:58,163 --> 00:20:01,150
'cause no one will ever speak to you
or touch you ever again.

462
00:20:01,250 --> 00:20:03,360
Lola, isn't there anything I can do?

463
00:20:03,460 --> 00:20:05,946
You might as well
go to a Doubletree Hotel buffet...

464
00:20:06,046 --> 00:20:08,407
...and stick your dick in a waffle maker,

465
00:20:08,507 --> 00:20:13,947
'cause your life is over,
you blue-dicked buffoon!

466
00:20:14,254 --> 00:20:16,957
Okay, symptoms.
After contracting Blue Waffle,

467
00:20:17,057 --> 00:20:20,461
your penis will swell until it sprouts?

468
00:20:20,561 --> 00:20:22,755
Oh my God, Andrew.
It's worse than I thought.

469
00:20:22,855 --> 00:20:25,082
I know.
- [sniffs]

470
00:20:25,182 --> 00:20:26,926
Andrew, what's happening?

471
00:20:27,026 --> 00:20:28,802
Help me.
- I don't know how!

472
00:20:28,902 --> 00:20:29,720
[knocking on door]...

473
00:20:29,820 --> 00:20:31,722
...[Marty] Andrew!
What's all the screaming about?

474
00:20:31,822 --> 00:20:33,215
I'm fine.

475
00:20:33,315 --> 00:20:35,726
Actually, I'm starting to feel better.
[retching]...

476
00:20:35,826 --> 00:20:37,519
...[door opens]
- What's going on with you, Andrew?

477
00:20:37,619 --> 00:20:40,439
Mom, Dad, I have Blue Waffle.

478
00:20:40,539 --> 00:20:43,183
You weren't supposed to say anything!

479
00:20:43,283 --> 00:20:46,895
Andrew, what have you done to us?

480
00:20:46,995 --> 00:20:50,249
I'm never going to get this off the walls!

481
00:20:51,083 --> 00:20:53,494
This stops here.

482
00:20:53,594 --> 00:20:56,229
Run, sweetheart, run.

483
00:20:56,672 --> 00:20:57,665
[gunshot]

484
00:20:57,765 --> 00:20:59,583
Maury! Shit!

485
00:20:59,683 --> 00:21:01,710
[gunshots]

486
00:21:01,810 --> 00:21:03,671
I need help. Anybody?

487
00:21:03,771 --> 00:21:06,298
I need help!
- [Missy] Hey Andrew! Over here!

488
00:21:06,398 --> 00:21:07,800
How about some hanky-panky?

489
00:21:07,900 --> 00:21:08,968
Hubba-hubba style.
- What?

490
00:21:09,068 --> 00:21:12,304
Let's climb all over each other
while we listen to the Mets.

491
00:21:12,404 --> 00:21:14,431
Missy, that sounds amazing,

492
00:21:14,531 --> 00:21:16,642
but I can't!

493
00:21:16,742 --> 00:21:19,270
What's wrong?
Don't you want to canoodle?

494
00:21:19,370 --> 00:21:22,639
Put your finger in my hoodle?
Come on, you sexy doodle.

495
00:21:22,739 --> 00:21:23,941
Missy, no! Don't!

496
00:21:24,041 --> 00:21:26,068
Gah-waska! What's wrong with me?

497
00:21:26,168 --> 00:21:28,988
I'm so sorry, Missy.
I just gave you Blue Waffle!

498
00:21:29,088 --> 00:21:31,073
Is this supposed to be happening--
- [gunshot]

499
00:21:31,173 --> 00:21:33,723
Oh, fuck! Her fucking nose is in my hands!

500
00:21:34,293 --> 00:21:36,328
[thuds]
- I shot your kid girlfriend...

501
00:21:36,428 --> 00:21:39,748
...because you're ruined my walls
with your sex disease.

502
00:21:39,848 --> 00:21:42,701
[gunshot]...

503
00:21:42,801 --> 00:21:45,379
Nick! Let me in!
- Hey, buddy.

504
00:21:45,479 --> 00:21:47,172
Ah! I'm so glad to see you.

505
00:21:47,272 --> 00:21:48,924
You, too.
You're my best friend, Andrew.

506
00:21:49,024 --> 00:21:50,968
Come on in. Leah made us a Dorito cake.

507
00:21:51,068 --> 00:21:52,386
Hey, Andrew.

508
00:21:52,486 --> 00:21:55,973
I've decided it's cool
that you're a disgusting pervert.

509
00:21:56,073 --> 00:21:57,683
Oh, that's a huge relief,

510
00:21:57,783 --> 00:21:59,977
'cause I just found out
I have a pervert's disease.

511
00:22:00,077 --> 00:22:01,395
Blue Waffle?
- Yeah, you know it.

512
00:22:01,495 --> 00:22:04,806
That's fine. Just relax.
Duke's hanging out, too.

513
00:22:04,906 --> 00:22:06,233
Get out.
- What?

514
00:22:06,333 --> 00:22:09,393
Get out!

515
00:22:10,162 --> 00:22:12,031
What happened?

516
00:22:12,131 --> 00:22:15,234
Oh my God!
Nick! Leah! Someone! Help!

517
00:22:15,334 --> 00:22:17,036
We are helping best friend.

518
00:22:17,136 --> 00:22:19,163
Yeah, before you infect anyone else,

519
00:22:19,263 --> 00:22:22,333
we're gonna chop your rotten dick off.

520
00:22:22,433 --> 00:22:24,918
That's what I was hoping
you weren't gonna do!

521
00:22:25,018 --> 00:22:28,080
Don't worry.
I'll do it nice and slow.

522
00:22:28,180 --> 00:22:30,624
[screaming]

523
00:22:30,724 --> 00:22:34,011
What's the matter, Judd?
Feeling a little blue?

524
00:22:34,111 --> 00:22:37,222
Andrew, I was cool. Did you hear that?
- Yes, it was funny. Come on, keep moving.

525
00:22:37,322 --> 00:22:40,976
Andrew, your STD is killing everyone!
- Argh!

526
00:22:41,076 --> 00:22:44,388
Eat a dick, Nick!

527
00:22:44,488 --> 00:22:47,378
Suck on my diarrhea, Leah!

528
00:22:47,657 --> 00:22:49,026
Like, gross!

529
00:22:49,126 --> 00:22:51,987
Maury, I owe you my life.
How did you do that, by the way?

530
00:22:52,087 --> 00:22:53,614
How did you spray that much diarrhea?

531
00:22:53,714 --> 00:22:54,531
Maury!

532
00:22:54,631 --> 00:22:57,861
[Andrew panting]

533
00:22:58,543 --> 00:23:01,530
Whoa! What the--...

534
00:23:01,630 --> 00:23:02,790
'Planned Parenthood?'

535
00:23:02,890 --> 00:23:07,077
Yeah, are you crazy?
That place is just for girls.

536
00:23:07,177 --> 00:23:09,713
Everyone, listen! I have Blue Waffle.

537
00:23:09,813 --> 00:23:11,131
Can you please help me?

538
00:23:11,231 --> 00:23:13,008
Honey, I'm sorry. I can't.

539
00:23:13,108 --> 00:23:14,635
Is it because I didn't sign in?

540
00:23:14,735 --> 00:23:18,055
No, it's because Blue Waffle is not real.

541
00:23:18,155 --> 00:23:20,891
Wait, what?
- Then what's going on with my body?

542
00:23:20,991 --> 00:23:24,561
Is the violent diarrhea because I brush
my teeth with raw chicken?

543
00:23:24,661 --> 00:23:27,231
Blue Waffle is an urban legend.

544
00:23:27,331 --> 00:23:28,482
It's a complete hoax.

545
00:23:28,582 --> 00:23:30,017
Oh, thank God.

546
00:23:30,117 --> 00:23:31,777
STDs are fake.

547
00:23:31,877 --> 00:23:34,988
Well, no. STDs are real,
but they are treatable.

548
00:23:35,088 --> 00:23:38,700
And I wish people would come in
and get tested before they start googling...

549
00:23:38,800 --> 00:23:40,077
...and driving themselves crazy.

550
00:23:40,177 --> 00:23:44,081
Food for thought, but one more time:
Blue Waffle is not real, right?

551
00:23:44,181 --> 00:23:46,417
One more time, it is not real.

552
00:23:46,517 --> 00:23:47,826
But, Andrew?
- What?

553
00:23:47,926 --> 00:23:53,111
Slender Man is.
- [Andrew screaming]

554
00:23:53,640 --> 00:23:55,467
Andrew, that was upsetting.

555
00:23:55,567 --> 00:23:59,138
Yeah, especially the whole nightmare
scenario of you making out with Lola.

556
00:23:59,238 --> 00:24:01,014
Yeah, that's crazy.

557
00:24:01,114 --> 00:24:03,308
That's, you know, magical realism.

558
00:24:03,408 --> 00:24:05,519
Whoa, whoa, whoa!  Stop the clock!

559
00:24:05,619 --> 00:24:08,147
I think I understand
Planned Parenthood now.

560
00:24:08,247 --> 00:24:09,064
Really? You do?

561
00:24:09,164 --> 00:24:12,651
Yeah! They do medicine
for your bathing suit parts.

562
00:24:12,751 --> 00:24:14,278
Yeah, basically.

563
00:24:14,378 --> 00:24:17,030
Steve, you actually learned something.

564
00:24:17,130 --> 00:24:18,949
I did? I did.

565
00:24:19,049 --> 00:24:23,162
Oh, thank you, everybody.
And thank you all for watching.

566
00:24:23,262 --> 00:24:25,164
What an incredible week!

567
00:24:25,264 --> 00:24:29,626
You know, it's always been a dream
of mine to host whatever this is.

568
00:24:29,726 --> 00:24:32,713
I want to thank Deee-Lite
for 'Groove is in the Heart,'

569
00:24:32,813 --> 00:24:35,799
Bootsy Collins, Nathan Fillion,
you're a real sport.

570
00:24:35,899 --> 00:24:37,301
I love you!
- The whole cast.

571
00:24:37,401 --> 00:24:41,338
The cue card guy for drawing
my dialogue in pictures.

572
00:24:41,438 --> 00:24:44,558
Lorne, the pull out method, Slender Man.

573
00:24:44,658 --> 00:24:45,550
I love you, dude.

574
00:24:45,650 --> 00:24:48,395
I can't forget the Liberal League
for their awesome agenda.

575
00:24:48,495 --> 00:24:49,438
You guys rocked it.

576
00:24:49,538 --> 00:24:52,316
You convinced us to do an episode
on Planned Parenthood,

577
00:24:52,416 --> 00:24:56,195
even though so many people
are gonna be furious at us for doing it.

578
00:24:56,295 --> 00:25:00,866
And don't forget,
Blue Waffle is absolutely real!

579
00:25:00,966 --> 00:25:03,285
No, it's not!
- I love you! Goodnight!

580
00:25:03,385 --> 00:25:05,621
Stick around for Showtime at the Apollo...

581
00:25:05,721 --> 00:25:10,091
...or a Cindy Crawford
melon skin cream infomercial.

582
00:25:51,299 --> 00:25:54,189
SDH Created by: Arvind Vishwakarma